#tbh i know i've said this a million times but. even if i'm struggling to draw or whatever

[pekoeboo]

ugh. some thoughts.

really been trying to find the joy in drawing/writing again and honestly it's been such a challenge. friends have told me it's most likely depression that's making it hard to feel motivated and tbh they're probably right.

hoping to get back into being creative in the way I Want to be at some point tho. I miss it. there's still so much with my stories and characters that I haven't been able to share or explain and I wish I knew how without it feeling like this daunting, impossible task.

I don't know when I'll get around to actually sharing art again (or writing, if ever). was hoping that I'd manage to get some of my mental and physical issues in check recently for just long enough to get back into the swing of being creative, but that hasn't seemed to work. everything feels bad, both artistically and physically. I'm struggling to keep up with the frantic pace at which my brain comes up with story concepts and intriguing character interactions, even tho everything in me wishes I could turn it into tangible artistic expression so I can get it out of my head and share it. it used to be easy. I don't know why it's not now.

I'm just . tired, I guess.

[helloalycia]

𝐁𝐄𝐋𝐈𝐄𝐕𝐄 𝐌𝐄 [𝐓𝐖𝐎] — 𝐒𝐊𝐘𝐄 𝐑𝐈𝐋𝐄𝐘

one / masterlist / wattpad

summary: as Skye's paranoia gets even worse, you're left to help her through it.

warning/s: same as last time tbh.

authors note: here’s the second and final part! hope you enjoy it :)

Skye and I didn't argue often, so I was pondering ours the whole night, trying to figure out how I could have acted differently. I just wanted her to be okay and to feel safe. And yes, maybe I didn't believe her, but only because she truly was overworked and it only made sense that she was sleep-deprived and imagining things.

But the last thing I wanted was for us to grow distant because of all of it.

The next morning, I sent her a text message asking how she was, but she didn't reply. I only worried I'd made things even worse, so in the afternoon, I grabbed my things and went to the dance studio where I knew she was rehearsing. I was hoping that giving her the morning to have some space might make our chat a little easier, but I couldn't be sure.

Thankfully, I'd timed it perfectly as I found her on her break, refilling her water bottle at one of the dispensers.

"Skye, hey," I said, stopping behind her.

She glanced up before her expression hardened a little. "Hi."

I frowned, glancing around and seeing we were alone, before saying, "I texted you, but you didn't reply... I've been worried."

"Well, I'm fine," she said with a sigh, looking back to the water dispenser and capping her bottle.

"Skye, I'm really sorry," I apologised, trying to meet her gaze. "I didn't mean to discredit your feelings yesterday."

She winced. "Forget it. I don't wanna talk about it. I just wanna focus on rehearsals."

"Skye–"

"Please," she said softly, frowning to herself. "I just– maybe you were right. Maybe I'm seeing things."

I wasn't expecting that, raising my brows slightly. "What makes you say that?"

She shook her head, running a hand through her hair. "I don't know. Everything is a lot. I don't know."

She didn't seem sure and my heart ached for her.

"I just wanna focus on rehearsals," she said decisively, before meeting my gaze with sad eyes. "We're okay."

I had a million things I wanted to say, along the lines of her taking care of herself and us figuring this out together, but she looked tired and the last thing I wanted was to stress her out further. So, all I could do was nod.

"I'll hang around," I said slowly, in a way that gave her an opening to tell me otherwise, but she didn't. "I might grab a coffee later. Do you want anything for when you're done with rehearsals?"

She shook her head, chewing on her lip.

"Alright, well–"

"No, wait," she changed her mind, making me quirk a brow. "Can you get me an iced hot chocolate?"

I tried not to smile. "That's a thing?"

With a disapproving look, she answered, "I'm trying to cut down on my caffeine intake. But I want something cold."

"Suit yourself," I conceded. "One iced hot chocolate coming up."

She relaxed slightly, taking my hand and squeezing it. "Thanks."

I offered her a small smile and she stepped forward, leaning her head on my shoulder in a half hug, before letting go and returning to rehearsals.

For the next hour or so, I worked in one of the empty studios, sorting through some social content for the next six months, before heading out to get mine and Skye's drinks, knowing I'd be back by the time she was done.

Holding a cup holder with two drinks in it, I found Skye's dressing room and struggled to open the door with my hands full.

"It's me," I called to her as I attempted to grab the handle without spilling the drinks. When I finally got it open, I continued, "You know, I'm pretty sure an iced hot chocolate is just a chocolate milkshake, but–"

My eyes widened as I looked up, seeing a strange man standing in Skye's dressing room, pinning her against the wall with his hand pressed to her mouth to stop her from making a noise. He immediately looked to me with surprise, a deer caught in headlights, and he was wearing no shirt, revealing his giant tattoo of Skye's face on his chest.

Skye's squeals for help beneath the man's hand pulled me from me my reverie, her eyes wide and full of tears as they pleaded for help. Before the man could make a move, I yelled for security at the top of my lungs, knowing someone would be around to hear it, and instinctively threw both iced drinks at him.

He shouted at the impact, letting go of Skye and giving me the chance to move forward and grab her hand, pulling her away from him and out the door. Acting on pure fear and concern for Skye, I slammed the door shut and held it closed until Skye's security team ran to us to help.

"There's a crazy guy in there!" I shouted at them, letting go of the door, and they seemed to get the hint as they let themselves in to deal with the man.

I spun around to find Skye and felt my heart racing as I saw her sat on the floor against the wall, knees tucked to her chest and head hidden between them. Ignoring the commotion as other members of Skye's team arrived on the scene, I knelt before her and placed my hands on her shoulders, leaning my head close to hers so she could hear me.

"Skye, are you hurt?" I asked, trying to hide how horrified I was.

She didn't reply, but I could feel and hear her breathing become ragged as she tried to catch her breath. Realising she was shocked, I leaned my head against hers and rubbed her arms gently.

"It's okay, darling, they're sorting it, just breathe," I said as steadily as I could. "Come on, just like this."

I took her hand, unwrapping it from her knees, and placed it to my chest which made her look up. My heart broke as I saw the panic in her watery gaze, but I focused on making sure she was okay right now. My hand rested on her chest and I took some breaths slowly to show her.

"You feel that? Just breathe," I encouraged gently, eyes focused on hers as we breathed in sync.

It seemed to work as I felt her breathing regulate, though I could still feel her heart beating like crazy.

"It's okay," I repeated, hand moving to her knee.

Suddenly, the door to her dressing room burst open as two of her security team dragged out the stalker. The man was shouting as they did, eyes searching the hall until they settled on Skye like a predator with its prey.

"Tell them to stop, Skye!" he yelled at her, struggling against the security team, but he was nothing compared to their strength. "Tell them I'm your friend! You said we were friends! Tell them!"

I blocked his view of her as I moved over slightly, trying to calm Skye's breathing as it became unsteady yet again.

"Ignore him, just look at me," I said calmly, blocking her view too and forcing her to meet my gaze. "It's just me and you, Skye. Nobody else."

She was trembling and the stalker was still shouting at her, begging for her attention, only making her panic more. I covered her ears and she closed her eyes, trying to block him out.

"Get him out of here!" I yelled at the security team behind me, growing impatient as Skye only seemed to get worse, shutting in on herself.

Finally, the stalker was dragged out of the hall and away from us, and Skye's mother showed up just in time. She must have pieced everything together as she exchanged worried glances with me before shouting orders to everyone who was simply standing and watching like it was a TV show.

Meanwhile, I returned my attention to Skye, resting my forehead to hers and uncovering her ears but still holding the sides of her face, thumb stroking her skin soothingly.

"It's okay," I repeated quietly, so only she could hear, and she swallowed thickly as she nodded, taking in my words.

Deep down though, I knew it wasn't okay. And the guilt was eating me alive because I didn't believe her and I was wrong, and now look what had happened?

—

Shortly after that whole commotion happened and Skye could finally breathe again, she insisted on showering, wanting to scrub herself clean of rehearsals and the stalker's touch on her.

So, I found myself sat on the sinks in the communal bathroom as she showered in one of the cubicles. I couldn't blame her for not wanting to return to her dressing room, at least not so soon, nor could I blame her for not wanting to be left alone.

The sound of the water splashing against the tiles was the only thing to be heard, but it did nothing to drown out the guilt that was spreading in my chest. I couldn't stop imagining the worst, thinking about what more could have happened if I hadn't arrived to Skye in time. She'd tried to tell me that she didn't feel safe and I hadn't believed her. Why didn't I believe her?

Her mum was currently berating her security team, trying to understand how this stalker got past them and how nobody had caught him. I already knew she was probably debating firing the whole team and replacing them with someone better.

The sound of the shower being turned off made me stop overthinking, instead straightening up as I looked at the cubicle Skye was in.

"Can you pass me my towel?" her voice came from the other side, soft and timid, and my guilt only deepened.

"Yeah," I said quickly, grabbing her towel from beside me and going to the door, passing it her over the top.

She accepted it and I moved back to give her some space, watching her step out a moment later. Everything about her looked so small, the colour still drained from her face, eyes still holding a shock that wouldn't go away. I didn't even know what to say to make her feel better, because how could I say anything that would help her forget about the fact she was assaulted twice by the same crazy fan and nobody did anything to prevent it?

"I got you some fresh clothes," I said instead, aware it wasn't perfect.

I motioned to the pile of clothes next to the sink.

"Thanks," she muttered, eyes not meeting mine as she moved towards them.

Giving her some privacy but knowing she'd made it clear she didn't want to be left alone, I turned around and stared at the all whilst she got dressed.

After I no longer heard the shuffling of her movements, I turned around and saw her sat on the edge of the sink, legs hanging over the side. She was looking down at her lap, preoccupied. I joined her, leaning against the sinks beside her and looking over at her.

"He's gone?" she asked quietly.

I nodded, assuring her, "He is. The police have arrested him. Your mum is sorting everything out with security. You're safe."

At this, her tense shoulders relaxed slightly and she nodded. I swallowed thickly, eyes running over her side profile guiltily.

"Skye, I'm so fucking sorry for not believing you," I finally said what I'd been thinking this whole time. "I should have."

Other than the slight frown on her lips, she didn't react to my apology, and I didn't expect her to. What could she say?

"Are you hurt?" I asked worriedly, resting a hand on the small of her back. "Did he... did he hurt you?"

She shook her head slowly, putting me at ease slightly, though I couldn't imagine how terrifying the whole experience still must've been for her.

"I want to go home," she said, just above a whisper. Her eyes finally met mine, tired and frightened.

I leaned into her side slightly. "Alright. I'll go and arrange a car for you."

"Please, come with me," she added, the implication of her fear of being alone present yet again.

I nodded, wrapping my arm around her fully and pulling her into my side. "Of course."

The thought of not being able to watch over her was awful, so even if she hadn't asked, I would've offered anyway. After everything, I needed her to be safe.

—

It was heavily insinuated that I would be staying at Skye's place for the unforeseeable, and I didn't mind one bit.

Despite the few words she spoke, it was clear she wasn't okay. Over the next few days, we stayed exclusively at home, with her taking a short break from tour-related things. She was jumpy, constantly, afraid of her own shadow even though she wouldn't admit it. And if I dared bring it up, she'd assure me she was fine.

I had to swallow down my guilt and worry for her, despite noticing how she wouldn't go into any room in her apartment without me there with her. I couldn't blame her, the fear of her crazed stalker still in the back of her mind.

Though this behaviour made sense and I was glad she was taking some time for herself, her mother wasn't in the same boat. Elizabeth would call her, at first to check in but then to hint when she would be back at the studio for rehearsals. At that point, Skye ignored her calls and so Elizabeth deemed it necessary to bother me instead, to which I may have ignored some of her calls and cut other answered calls shorter.

It was easy to stick up for Skye and tell Elizabeth that it wasn't appropriate for her to return to work just yet, but of course all Elizabeth cared for was the tour. This, on top of the fact that my own manager was getting on my back about my workload and mithering me about if there was even going to be a tour at this point, was a lot. But I tried to keep it all away from Skye as long as I could.

Eventually, of course, Elizabeth had had enough and decided to stop by the apartment unannounced. Skye was sat at her piano, playing some chords and writing some things in her songbook, and I was reading my book on the couch when there was knock on the door. Skye tensed up momentarily, not expecting company and still on edge, so I quickly got up and rested a hand on her shoulder.

"It's alright, I'll check who it is," I assured her, squeezing her shoulder comfortingly.

She nodded, relaxing slightly, her own hand touching mine briefly before I went to answer the door. That was when I came face to face with Elizabeth, to my surprise.

"Elizabeth," I breathed out, eyebrows raised. "What are you–?"

"Where is she?" she cut me off, impatient.

Knowing she was definitely about to make everything worse, I gave her a knowing look. "Now isn't the best time–"

"It never is," she noted with a hint of irritation, before pushing past me to let herself in. "Skye?"

I blinked, not expecting that, and closed the door behind her before rejoining her as she looked down at Skye at the piano.

"So you do remember you're a musician," her mum commented with narrowed eyes. "Nice to know."

Skye looked up at her, expression unreadable. "Hi, mum."

"You've been ignoring my calls," Elizabeth told her.

Skye shrugged slightly, looking down to the piano keys. "I didn't feel like talking," she answered truthfully.

I sighed and went to take a seat at the kitchen island, watching the conversation from there.

Elizabeth quirked a brow, unimpressed, before speaking. "Your tour starts in a week."

Skye tensed her jaw slightly. "I know."

"And?" Elizabeth prompted impatiently, waving a hand.

Shrinking in on herself a little, Skye didn't answer, so I chimed in, trying not to sound so defensive.

"Elizabeth, she's been through a lot," I reminded her as calmly as I could muster. "Give her a break."

Momentarily, her mum's expression softened. "I know that. And it was horrible, but the world hasn't just stopped."

"That's not fair," I said with a twitching frown, trying not to start an argument.

"It's fine," Skye said to me softly, before her mother could reply with an insult, no doubt. After releasing a breath, she looked up to her mum. "I'll be back for rehearsals tomorrow."

Losing my irritation, I stood up and looked to her. "Skye."

Ignoring me, her mum nodded with satisfaction. "Good. I knew you'd do the right thing."

A scoff flew from my lips as I watched her kiss the top of Skye's head.

"Rest up," she told Skye. "You'll need it."

Skye nodded, expression vacant.

I clenched my jaw slightly, eyes falling back to Elizabeth. "That it?"

Her mum resisted the urge to roll her eyes as she met mine. "Yes. Is that okay with you? I wasn't aware she had a second mother."

I narrowed my eyes, but chose not to let her antagonise me further, especially not in front of Skye. Instead, I went to the front door and held it open for her, hoping she'd get the hint. She did, but I followed after her, closing but not clicking the door behind me.

"This isn't fair," I whispered aggressively to her. "She's not okay, Elizabeth. She hasn't been okay all week."

"The world can't stop because of this," Elizabeth whispered back, just as harshly and definitively. "Everything is set. Tickets have been sold. She has to be okay."

I was certain I was at boiling point as she spoke about the damn tour yet again, completely dismissing her daughter's wellbeing.

"She can't even go into her bedroom alone and you want to throw her back into work!" I whisper-shouted, voice rising.

"I am her manager for a reason, Y/N," Elizabeth snapped back. "She needs this, especially after this past year."

"You're also her mother," I reminded her bitterly.

She met my sneer with her own. "And you're just the girlfriend, so stick to that, yes?"

I bit my tongue, refraining from saying something I'd regret, mostly for Skye's sake. Instead, I settled for a different approach. "Don't you think that after everything, we should probably listen to Skye this time? We were both wrong about the stalker. We ignored her, blamed it on stress, and look what happened?"

Her mum frowned, looking away. "It was unfortunate."

My expression faded into one of regret as I held her stare. "It was more than that."

Shrugging it off, Elizabeth replied, "Skye said she's fine."

"She's saying that because she has to. You haven't seen her this past week."

"I know my daughter. And my daughter knows the business. She can't afford more time off," she said decisively. "End of discussion."

She was so easily dismissive that it frustrated me to no ends, but she'd always been like this and it was one of the reasons we'd never gotten along. And as I watched her walk away, I silently fumed, taking a deep breath and making sure I was alright before returning to the apartment. As soon as I stepped inside, I jumped when Skye was stood there.

Forcing a small smile, I said, "Hey. Sorry, your mum was just sharing your schedule."

Skye frowned, eyes reading mine. "I heard, like, quiet shouting." I pressed my lips together, attempting to think of an explanation, but she continued, "I appreciate you sticking up for me, Y/N, but it's okay. I had to return to everything at some point." 

I shook my head, concerned. "Not if you're not ready."

She rolled her eyes. "I'm not a child."

"I know," I said gently, "but you are human. And anybody who went through what you did wouldn't be ready so soon."

"Well, I am," she reassured me, before going to sit on the couch.

I sighed before following after her, sitting next to her. I thought she'd push me away, but she looked right at me with a knowing expression.

"I know things aren't good for you with your boss," she said knowingly. "Everyone's on your back, aren't they?"

I cursed inwardly, assuming I'd done a better job at hiding my work calls from her. "It's not your concern, Skye."

"It is," she disagreed, tilting her head. "Because they're worried I'm gonna delay the tour. And you can't do your job when you're here babysitting me."

"Hey," I said disapprovingly, holding her hand. "It's not babysitting. I want to be here for you."

She sighed softly, brown eyes dimmed. "Because I'm scared to be alone."

I furrowed my brows, eyes fluttering over her face. "So what? I'll follow you everywhere if it means you'll feel safe, Skye. There's nothing wrong with that."

She didn't seem to agree, judging from the slight curve of her frown and the reluctance to meet my eyes.

"I don't care about any of that," I said, leaning into her, fingers intertwining with hers. "I care about you."

Her thumb stroked mine distractedly, before she looked up to me. "You feel guilty because you didn't believe me."

I was ready to retort whatever she said, but this stopped me in my tracks. Annoyingly enough, she'd got it spot on. Of course I still felt guilty. It was my fault.

"I do," I agreed, finally speaking after a moment's hesitation. "But that's not the only reason I'm here right now. A part of it, yes, but the other part is I love you and I want to help you."

She pursed her lips, searching my expression, before taking both my hands and holding them. "I'm returning back to work tomorrow, Y/N. And so are you. Things have to go back to normal."

"It's not fair–"

"It's the job," she cut me off, before exhaling tiredly, squeezing my hands in hers. "It'll be okay."

I frowned, very much disagreeing, but she offered me a small smile before laying her head on my chest, and so I had no choice but to respect her decision.

—

Last-minute prep for the tour kept everyone busy, including Skye and I, and mentions of what happened didn't come up. Despite Elizabeth thinking everything was fine and dandy again, I still kept as close an eye on Skye as I could, knowing she wasn't a hundred percent.

Even though Skye gave me her word that she was doing a lot better, the fact that she rarely left my side when she could was indicator enough. And once her tour officially begun, it was a similar routine of getting ready, sound check, performing and then back to the hotel or tour bus to do it all over again.

As she always did, she threw herself right back into it, and though I wanted her to get the rest she deserved, it was nice to see her a little more at ease when she interacted with her real fans, the ones that reminded her why she was doing the tour in the first place.

About a week into her tour, after a show, we were both back at the hotel. I was sat on the couch, doing some work bits on my phone, as Skye was sat on the bed in her robe, having just had a shower to freshen up.

"Hey, Y/N," she called softly, "can I talk to you?"

I looked up from my phone, seeing her move to sit at the edge of her bed and watching me hopefully.

"Sure," I spoke, moving to sit beside her as she patted the spot with her hand. "What's up?"

She exhaled contently, hands wrapping in on themselves on her lap. "I had an idea."

I watched her curiously. "Okay..."

"Even though I'm on the road, I want to talk to someone," she continued. "About... everything."

I nodded encouragingly, surprised she was bringing the incident up on her own accord.

"I can't keep putting it all on you," she said, eyes meeting mine, "and you can't always help." As I opened my mouth to say something, she quickly added, "And that's okay, it is. But..."

"You want professional help," I finished for her, to which she nodded slowly.

"I found a therapist," she explained. "She's remote and she can work around my tour schedule. And she can help me get over this hump, stop me from feeling so paranoid, you know?"

I nodded, beginning to smile. "That sounds great, Skye. I think it could really help."

She mirrored my smile. "I think so too. I want you to stop worrying and know that I can get help. I will."

"I'll try," I admitted, wrapping an arm around her shoulder and pulling her close. "It'll certainly be easier for me knowing you're talking to someone about it all. I'm proud of you, Skye."

She leaned into me, relaxing, and I kissed the top of her head, feeling my concern ease into relief at the thought of her getting the help she needed.

"There's something else," she said after a moment, wrapped up in each other.

"Yeah?"

Her hesitation is what made me look down, noticing the nervous look on her face. Catching my confused glance, she pulled away and straightened up, clearing her throat.

"So," she started, eyes flickering from mine to her lap. "You basically come over to my place all the time anyway, so this seems silly. But I like having you there and I thought, well... do you want to move in with me? Like, permanently?"

I raised my brows, surprised, and then my heart grew warm in my chest as I noticed the nervousness in her expression.

A smile tugged at my lips as I rested my hand on her fumbling ones. "I'd actually love that, Skye."

She finally looked up. "Really?"

I couldn't help but laugh. "Really."

Her lips curved into a smile. "Good. Most of your stuff is there anyway, but when the tour ends, maybe we can move the rest of it in."

The thought of moving in permanently made my smile widen. "Sounds good. I'm surprised you're not sick of me yet."

She laughed wholeheartedly, the room lighting up in an instant. "I could never be sick of you."

I rolled my eyes playfully and she lifted her hand to caress my cheek, pulling me close.

"I love you," she said softly, with a tender smile and twinkling eyes, before kissing me.

As I kissed her back, I knew things would get better. We were already halfway there.

[anghraine]

On a less cheerful note, I was thinking with some frustration that I've reached 2024 and somehow I'm still not okay, even though there are so many good things about my life and so many people in it to help me, why am I like this-

And then I was remembering a conversation I had earlier with another early modernist about how her conservative Southern Baptist upbringing led her to feminism and academia, and how I didn't say "I get it" because I didn't want to make it about my Mormon-raised-with-some-Catholic-influence personal issues when I've had basically nothing to do with Southern Baptist anything.

And then I was thinking about discovering lesbians were a real thing via visiting a church bookstore at around... age 12 and seeing pamphlets for conversion therapy. I don't remember clearly what they said, just that they were from Evergreen whatsit and I was scared for years after.

And gradually, I figured out the weird way that people talked about my bio dad's sister was because she's also a lesbian, but her conservative Catholic family found it easier to pretend not to know. This led to a weird conversation a few years ago with my grandmother (bio dad's mother) where she was asking why I never have any men in my life. I mumbled something about just not really being interested, and she was like ... oh, you're like your aunt :)

me: Um—well—yes.

my grandmother: Just so devoted to your career :) There was this wonderful man I thought she really loved, but she just didn't have space in her life for marriage.

me: *blink*

And I was also thinking about, basically, a million other things from growing up in rural US towns when I did. At the time, much of it felt too individually small to justifiably get worked up about, but much of it still rattles around my mind. Some things were bigger than I even realized, in fairness—say, the Evergreen pamphlets represented something much bigger and worse than I really comprehended at that age. I was pretty much on my way out by the time I fully got it (and Evergreen is more or less gone now, I think—while I'm still here and still queer, hah). Some of the gender shit + homophobia of that time seems almost comically trivial in this era of senators ranting about the corrupting filth of LGBT+ people, or alternately it's so dated that even said senators wouldn't bother.

Anyway, it's kind of wild how I just ... don't think about a lot of this a lot of the time, and actively wonder how certain things got so fucked up in my head even though my life has been easy in many ways. And then I'll have this early modern British lit/feminism conversation and not think about it much at the time (we ended up having a perfectly nice conversation about the Pacific Northwest and the deficiencies of Shakespeare scholarship) and have a mostly good day and then somehow end up staring blankly at the wall at quarter to midnight thinking about how scared I was as a teenager.

I do not like being angry tbh. I'm irritable, sure, but rarely actually angry because I find it so unpleasant, even in the fairly slow and cold way that I generally get angry.

But I've been trying to organize my thoughts and I think I might be angry about this. I was more familiar with "gay" as a slur than as a descriptor into my 20s because, see, the church preferred to talk about people struggling with same-sex or same-gender attraction as part of these earthly trials, not gay people. Describing people as gay might be too validating or something, at least then.

And part of the reason this stuff can be so difficult to navigate in the present is that very "at least then." Because things could get far better than has ever actually happened, and it wouldn't make anything better for who I was at 15. I'm the one carrying that around. Not uniquely, since tons of us came out of that environment and others of similar kinds, but—

Okay, ethically, I believe that people always have the choice to simply do better than they did in the past and this should be encouraged. But that doesn't un-do anything for me.

It's fine and good to say, look, certain things are much better than they were in 2000 (or whenever). And that's true, some things are, and I'm not at all sorry about that. But sometimes it seems like those of us who are still around are supposed to just forget the things that shaped us when we were reaching adulthood, like it doesn't matter any more because that was another time and we're in our 30s or older. Like we shouldn't still be affected by our own pasts, even when the main actors are still around and completely unrepentant, or were hateful until the day they died.

I am angry about it, in my way, I suppose.

[bloodgulchblog]

s2e2 here we goooooo. i have not found a better way to do this, so i'm doing it the same way.

once again, spoilers and uncharitable opinions and unfunny jokes.

So anyway, to do my minimal diligence in telling you what's going on, Kwan Ha shows up again at the end of episode 1 (she's the one Soren's kid has been sneaking off to and talking about monsters with).

Anyway.

Episode 2 already off to a bad start.

Halsey is somewhere talking to a girl named Julia, asking her about what she sees when she leaves this place (Julia doesn't say much) and about a man in charge.

Chips on the table: this is a Spartan-III and the man is Ackerson. I'm putting my bet down here.

Also, she gets a nose bleed and passes out so that's normal.

Then we have Kai talking to Riz and about her injury, and Riz insisting she's fine. Kai even suggests Riz put her pellet back to reduce the pain and Riz says:

Kai and John talk about how they kinda miss Halsey because at least she trusted them vs Ackerson.

I've mostly been distracted by this frame, though, because it has some Spartan names we haven't seen in it:

So we know there are at least 5 teams and they're using some old canon Spartan-II names.

Also, we've had it stated directly that it's been 6 months since the end of season 1. Which is a very short amount of time to have had multiple planets glassed, those campaigns each generally took months to fight out in the main canon.

What's important here, though, is that Cobalt team (mean jocks from earlier) are being put on standby while Chief knows they are still out on a mission and haven't come back yet, so he's getting upset.

We don't get any conclusion to this yet because it's time to jump.

Kwan is back, like I said.

I'm glad Kwan is back tbh because -- let's be clear, the show's bad and I felt like Kwan's subplot went fucking nowhere and didn't contribute much, which seems to have been a pretty common opinion. But if the show ejected the asian woman character just because that subplot was received poorly, it would've been much worse than having a weak subplot in the first place.

Kwan, as a survivor of Madrigal, is supposed to be in indentured servitude on the Rubble but she's gone on the run and is being tracked down by a guy with a scanner reacting to this fucking spike they put in her ear.

There's a chase scene, and she manages to rip out her ear tag and ditch her tail for a bit down in this trash compactor type zone, then she manages to space one of them and kills the other by stabbing him in the fucking head with her tag???

I think the implication we're supposed to pick up from the dialogue is that Kwan was accepted onto the station by Soren, but now that Soren's gone her indenture belongs to other (worse) pirates.

Meanwhile, this man (Louis) is suggesting that Riz take it easy and Riz, who has been beating a table with a sledge hammer, is taking that super well.

And there's physiotherapy.

Louis is a Spartan washout. He talks to Riz about how there can be more to life than being a Spartan, but Riz struggles with that and is clearly worried about being perceived as weak from the injury she got at the end of S1. She says some hard shit that she immediately walks back because Louis is an old friend and you can tell they care about each other. It's a million times better than the shit they did with Chief and Soren back in S1 and thank god.

Meanwhile, back at the hall of justice...

Chief is having a conflict with Ackerson about not clearing Silver team to go do missions because he thinks Chief's account of events at Sanctuary (the Covenant were already there before the glassing began, and they retreated from the fight with him) is suspect.

Ackerson tells him that the marine (Perez) doesn't corroborate his story and TV Chief shows character growth from last season by not manscreaming about it. Very proud of him.

I am kind of starting to enjoy Ackerson's nefarious shitweasel bit, it's more entertaining than a lot of what Halo TV makes me watch.

Laera (Soren's wife, I should use her name) confronts the crew of the ship that left when Soren got bagged. (I just don't care about Soren's subplot so I didn't bother to cap it, sorry.)

Meanwhile Kwan has an argument with Kessler (Soren's son) in the hidey hole they've been using as a hangout spot about the reality of the situation.

Did I mention Kwan has better hair this season? She does.

Anyway, then Silver Team is doing a training exercise. Riz is struggling. Also, they have her running SO FAST so you know that she's supposed to be the show's version of Kelly.

Also, we actually get some endearing Spartan interactions which are the only thing on this show that I truly like. (Vannak teases Riz about losing and brags about how he never loses, Kai and Riz are like ugh at him.)

Anyway, I'm out of images again. See you soon.

[materassassino]

fic writer questions

I wasn't strictly tagged by @liesmyth but I was told to do it, so that counts, in my book!

how many works do you have on AO3?

Precisely 120. I've not anoned or orphaned anything so that's the exact number I've ever posted, as well. (although I guess if it's just fics it's 118, because two of those are artworks, and even then it's probably 117 because I'm listed as a co-author for a fic I just had the idea for, and I will never touch that to change it because it was written by my friend Socks who passed away.)

what's your total ao3 word count?

921,788. We'll break a million at some point, I imagine. I'm a slow writer.

what are your top 5 fics by kudos?

Ever Decreasing Circles [Star Wars]: 2478 (makes sense, it's my only real multichapter)

Not Going Anywhere [Voltron]: 1832 (I have no excuse for this, the brief Klance lunacy at the beginning was a shameful moment)

Smile with the Rising Sun [DC Comics]: 1354 (this genuinely surprised me, I guess the people yearn for JayRoy Christmas fic?)

Fledging [Star Wars]: 1191 (this one makes sense, the people yearn for happy Skywalkers)

Kick the Beam [Dragon Age 2]: 1037

do you respond to comments? why or why not?

I do genuinely try to respond to all of them, I love getting comments most out of everything. If I didn't respond, it's because I forgor.

what's the fic you've written with the angstiest ending?

I don't really do unhappy endings, it's just not my style, but I think it's either Schwanengesang [Hetalia], a human AU where Gilbert freezes to death on the Russian front, or The Baffled King Composing [The Silmarillion], which superficially ends on a hopeful note but The Reader knows exactly what happens to these very characters, and it's not good, so the characters are blissfully unaware of their own doom.

what's the fic you've written with the happiest ending?

Write What You Know [Star Wars], I think. Not entirely sure. It's a lot more lighthearted, imo, and it ends with a wedding and a fuckton of money, so that seems pretty happy to me, lol.

do you write crossovers?

Not usually. It takes a very specific set of circumstances to make me write them, and that's the two different canons being able to mash together coherently in my head. I've written two, and the issue with those is they're both crossovers with fucking Neil Gaiman shit, which makes me annoyed because Sandman crosses over so fucking well with The Old Guard (When Shall We Threen Meet Again?).

(The other was Rise of the Guardians+American Gods. Don't know why I wrote that, it made sense at the time and does not in hindsight.)

have you ever received hate on a fic?

Only bot hate, unfortunately. I don't really write anything super controversial, I'm mortally vanilla, so I dodge a lot of aggro, tbh. There is an instance of something where I strove for historical accuracy, but even that only sparked an actual mature discussion on Twitter and not any flames. Context helped there, I believe.

do you write smut? if so, what kind?

Yes. I would say I prefer to write m/m, but tbh the most smut I ever wrote was for Shallura (to the point where that was my reputation lmao). I've struggled with it a bit over the last few years but I'm getting back into it. I tend towards like really fucking sappy emotional stuff between people who are in love, like I said, I'm very vanilla and not kinky at all, it doesn't interest me.

have you ever had a fic stolen?

Not that I know of. I don't think I've ever been big enough in any fandom to attract that sort of attention.

have you ever had a fic translated?

Yes! Three of them, two in Chinese for Write What You Know and The Jacket Fic, and one in French for a Free! fic. I like it when people ask first, but I will usually give permission. :>

have you ever co-written a fic before?

Not actively. I'm a co-author for the fic mentioned in the first question, but other than that, nothing. I'd like to, though, I feel like the accountability would be useful to me, lol.

what's your all-time favorite ship?

This is not a question that's possible to answer. I hyperfixate and then move on while maintaining a general fondness for the old ship once I've switched fandoms. So it's more of a current OTP thing going on than One Ship to Rule Them All. Also there's things I've shipped really strongly and never written anything for. At the moment the big OTP is JoeNicky, before that it was DinLuke, before that it was Wangxian and so on and so forth. A comprehensive list would be tedious.

And the HMS Terror, of course.

what's a wip that you want to finish but don't think you ever will?

I'd like to finish my handful of DinLuke WIPs, but I don't exactly foresee that happening now. I've pretty much moved on (although to be fair once you've been into Star Wars it does become a cornerstone of your personality, a bit like Tolkien). I will try extremely hard to finish the Battle of Yavin Anniversary Gala one, at least.

There's also a Glorestor fic I've had jangling around in my head since 2014, in two different iterations, but when that will ever be actually witten is anybody's guess, lol.

what are your writing strengths?

I'm never good at self-analysis, tbh. I think my prose is pretty good in general, and I'm good at character voice and staying in character. I've been told I'm good at developing well-rounded and enjoyable OCs with very little actual information on the page, so I'll call that a strength because it doesn't detract from the canon characters.

what are your writing weaknesses?

Action: writing punchy, effective scenes that are actually exciting to read is really freaking hard, especially with any form of combat. There are only so many ways to describe a swordfight. Environmental description: people who take three paragraphs to describe a room are fucking insane, I'm sorry, I can use my imagination perfectly well, thanks. Smut: I'm ace so I always feel like a goddamn imposter, despite the fact that I've also never been a freaking Jedi, or I've never been to Renaissance Rome, and yet I'm perfectly fine writing that.

what are your thoughts on writing dialogue in other languages in a fic?

Depends on the context. I am guilty of huge blocks of text in other languages (conlang or not) but I do try and always include interactable footnotes for those. Like idk, learn Italian ya wimps, lmao. I've put whole speeches in Mando'a in Ever Decreasing Circles, and bits and pieces of other languages in Old Guard fic. That said I will always, ALWAYS transliterate if it's a language that doesn't use the Latin alphabet. Never leave that shit unreadable for people. I can't read Mandarin, I can't read Cyrillic, if you put that in the text all I am reading is Charlie Brown adult noises, it's like hitting a brick wall (as much as my transliteration requests constantly annoy the people who help me translate those languages, sorry guys!). Also, unless it's a single word, never use Google translate ever. Always find someone who actually knows those languages and get them to do a quick translation for you. The global nature of fandom shouldn't make it that hard, it's not really an excuse for using Google translate. It'll stop your bilingual readers' eyes from bleeding.

(I did always swear to myself I would never put random endearments in other languages if the characters were speaking English in general... but I've failed miserably at that by now, lmao.)

what was the first fandom you wrote for?

Naruto, in like 2007/2008. I never transferred those fics over to Ao3, they're too old and terrible.

what's a fandom/ship you haven't written for yet but want to?

When I was in the Mo Dao Zu Shi fandom I really wanted to write some Wangxian, but I was far too intimidated by the fandom. A lot of people on Twitter talked about how white people shouldn't be writing any fic for it and I internalised that heavily to the point where I just... didn't. Looking back it was a little silly of me, no one is the sole arbiter of what should and shouldn't be written and what counts is doing research and being respectful, but it's too late now. I have written a little bit of SangCheng now and that's enough for me.

As for the future, who knows? I do not control the hyperfixation.

what's your favourite fic you've written?

Even in Another Time [The Old Guard] and Toccata [Hetalia] (yeah, sue me, I'm still proud of it 12 years later, it still reads well).

Now I get to tag people~

@dangerouscommiesubversive, @wingsofbadass (sorry I make you translate so much stuff), @veradragonjedi, @non-un-topo, @raedear, @maered613 and @ctrldao3.

[septembersghost]

This is the hardest week or so that I've ever had as a longtime swiftie. I saw people say this can't be worse than 2016 but it is for me because back then we were on her side and knew she was being wronged, we could defend her, but this time it's us being hurt and we can't. it's marginalized fans being upset and other fans talking over and ignoring us. I've never felt this bad and I love her and her music so much but I don't know how I'll ever look at her the same after this, and I'm not holding her accountable for that guy's actions, but that she'd be okay with it is complicity and giving him more of a platform, mouthing "ily" (barf) onstage to someone who's views are disgusting? I'm sad. I'm sorry it's been really hard for you. 😞

i'm so sorry. i'm at the point where i don't have words to express it because it's just exhausting and is crushing my heart. and i know i shouldn't even look at comments for my own mental health, but i've read a lot of things in the sub, and it's...killing me to see fans feeling this way, especially bipocs/jewish/muslim/disabled (is there a marginalized group he hasn't targeted? :/) fans, that they are not only asking these questions about her, but that they are feeling unsafe and unheard in the fandom. this post was shared with me, and it's a difficult read but it articulates a lot about the impact here, as do many of the comments.

my emotions have ranged all over the place this past week, but where i am now is this deep sense of sadness because i don't know what to do or where to go from here. she is intimately tied to her music, in an unusual way (i'd argue she's more connected to hers in ways fans know about than many other artists), which makes it difficult to separate. and yet her music is also ours and has accompanied countless fans through their lives, sometimes for many years (like i've said, fifteen in my case!), and that matters too and is extremely hard to disconnect from - music is such a profound and precious thing, it's not only sentimentality, it's in the very wiring of our brains, it's in our core memories. knowing fans are grappling with pain from that and trying to reconcile it...it hurts me so much. and there's a realization that overall, anyone struggling is still in a minority, so it doesn't make that much difference - thousands of people being upset feels wrong and terrible to me, no one should be experiencing that, and yet that's such a tiny fraction out of millions, which i think is another part of why the ones raising their voices feel a bit lost. i'm also frankly sick of seeing pushback about how fans hurting right now shouldn't be allowed to speak, because some intense double standards are at play (praise her and never criticize her is not a fair or healthy environment tbh). every fan i've seen upset is very clear about why, they're not holding her responsible for his actions, they're not confusing their reaction with real activism or social justice, they are raising concerns, and they're grieving a safe place that brought them joy and comfort before. you can't underestimate what art means to people and how valuable that safe space is, to feel like it's been shattered is a deep loss.

kelly (@butimnotseventeen) wrote a post about why this isn't comparable to 2016, and i think part of the conflict here is that, previously, it was always us with her, against the many who've torn her down and hated her unfairly. in this instance...that's not the situation. this is fans hurt and disappointed, and not being able to defend her, and it's also fans against other fans, which i think has made the anger worse. feeling attacked and shut out in a space you've cultivated and that makes you happy is terrible.

idk if we've reached the moment yet where we have to decide what we're going to do moving forward, or that moment likely will come at different times for everyone who's currently struggling. this is not something that's going to be addressed, and i think everyone needs to face the reality of that. we cannot demand anything from her personal life, and everyone knows that. if he apologizes, it will be because his hand was forced, and it won't change anything. if/when they break up, this still happened. anyone who leaves the fandom permanently is a drop in the bucket compared to how vast the fanbase is, so ultimately it's like...the decision you make should be centered on you and your well-being only. allow it to be about you, and your heart, because there's unfortunately no larger impact to be had here. is her music still meaningful to you, does it still make you happy? you're allowed to hold onto it. do you still love her and are you able to recognize she is flawed and contradictory and a wealthy white celebrity who lives in a world of privilege and never has to confront certain realities, can you reconcile that with caring about and enjoying her? because it's not wrong or hypocritical if you do. it's complicated. and if you want to step away for a while, or permanently, you're allowed that too. it truly is whatever is best for you.

selfishly, i miss coming on here and reblogging posts about her (and the beautiful things creators make) and being happy and excited, i miss coming on here and not feeling a sense of unease, and while i am in groups he targeted, and fundamentally am disgusted as a woman and human being, i cannot imagine what it's been like for bipoc fans. i've intentionally prioritized those of you who are hurt because you're important and you've been impacted in a way that taylor, who is not here seeing this, will never understand. she will never know how vulnerable fans feel. she will never have to read your pained and disappointed messages and try to counsel people through this. it makes me ache that any of us are struggling or experiencing that disconnect. i'm personally more affected by caring about other fans right now than i am by her, though i am worried about her to a degree too. we desperately need to hold onto empathy whenever we can.

her music has been such a light and carried me through so much. there's almost an irony to the fact that at any other time when i was hurt, i'd immediately turn to her music for comfort, and at the moment that's exactly where i can't go. it's very heavy and hard to say when that will fade. i just...i want you to know i've heard you and i love you and i'm sorry. i'm sorry you're hurt and sad. i wish i could do more. i wish i could predict the future and somehow tell you this will get better. i wish nobody felt this way at all. you matter and your safety and happiness matter. you can decide what brings that to you, and i hope you can keep finding it.

[writemywaytoyourheart]

I need to write this out because I am a MESS right now :’-)

Chip, you’ve got to be one of the MOST underrated authors here because I binged “Aim for the Heart” in three days and I have never cried so much over a literal fanfic before 😭😭 it’s just so beautifully crafted and no words can describe the story between MC and Jungkook being two sides of the same coin trying to heal their broken selves from their past and falling in love with each other. THE SYMBOLISM TOO I CANNOT— the flowers, the shoe laces, colour symbolism, drawings— it just ALL came back and nothing was ever put in the story as filler IM SOBBING 💕

The way they both came into each others lives and so deeply and fundamentally changed each other- MC showing Jungkook that it’s okay to love and be weak and that it’s not something to be ashamed of; she gave him a sense of purpose other than solely killing to support his mother. She let him see the good the world is capable of 🥲🥲

On the other side, Jungkook helped her see how beautiful she was this whole time, (the metaphor with the Japanese bowls!!!) and that she’s more than her past (which could also be said for him too I’m still crying 😭) + there is beauty in things that are broken and the way he just loves her is so AUGHHHH 🧎🏻‍♀️🧎🏻‍♀️🧎🏻‍♀️ if that’s isn’t true love then idk what is because I don’t ever want anything other than that

There are also so many parallels between Jungkook and Taehyung and Mina and MC. The situation being that one of them pressured the other to do something they didn’t want to do. I’m MC’s case, she wanted to leave the dirty business behind but ended up hurt and dragged into it against her will. In Jungkook’s situation, it’s flipped, where Taehyung wanted to protect him and instead, became a vicious killer, allowing himself into that role by his decision alone.

As for Mina, lemme just say this 💀

There’s honestly so much more I can say about just how amazing this story is 😭 at first I found it hard to get behind MC’s overall demeanour because she made me cringe a big ngl, but I ended up really loving her and how she is meant to represent a sense of childhood innocence because she allows herself to be comfortable as she is, this expressed through her fashion, room decor, eating habits + love for sweets, and Barbie movies— something which Jungkook struggles with within himself and his mental and physical scars (like when he hates the feeling of water running down his back due to his childhood abuse).

Btw I always wondered at the end whether MC could have just looked back in her photo gallery to see the selfie she took with Jungkook when she had lost her memories tho? Lol 😩

Thank you for bringing this into the world 🥲😌😭 I need to find a happy fic to read now because I’m still SHAKEN.

It took me longer than I wanted it to to answer this ask 😔

Tbh, I feel so comfortable writing for characters and getting certain messages across to readers through their words, but when it comes to me writing stuff that comes directly from me, I always feel lacking.

I never feel satisfied with how I've answered an ask whether it be a response to a small heartfelt greeting from a nonnie or long meaningful paragraphs.

I'm always afraid that someone is going to feel like I didn't answer them with as much love and gratefulness as I'm trying so hard to fill it with, that I'm not genuine. Even when I had so few followers and a single ask every once in a blue moon, I was so so so so excited and grateful every time and I'd read it over and over again before getting the courage to answer it. It still happens to this day lol.

I hope you know how much this ask means to me. Again, it took me far longer than I thought to answer it, but I just couldn't come up with the words to show how much it truly means to me. I still can't.

AFTH has such a special place in my heart, and when people love it, it feels like my heart explodes into a million pieces in the best way possible.

There have been so many many nights and days where I had panic attacks because I realized how I could've made it better with a simple word change, how people will think I dragged it on just to mess with people, how people would think it's cringe or a waste of their time to read. How someone might like it in the beginning and then decide they couldn't care less about the characters and leave. That hurts the most in a way.

I love my characters so so much, it's so comforting to see you love them all even if it took time to warm up to some 💝 but you're right Mina can go take a long walk.

I still feel like it's lacking in so many ways I wish I could go back in time and fix.

But it's asks like this that calm my heart more than anything else can. Even with my thousands of mistakes and regrets, the fact that you could love it so much... It hurts in a good way.

As much as I hate to admit it, I know that it's very connected with how I feel about myself. The fear of failure is so strong whenever I post.

I didn't know for so long why I was so afraid, but i finally admitted it to myself. I trust y'all enough to put a part of my diary here T-T

There are so many authors, hundreds of millions of trillions of books in this world. Why would someone pick up mine? How would it even get seen even if it turned out perfect?

I feel like being an author is like being an artist. Either you make it, or you don't. And a lot of it has nothing to do with skill and everything to do with luck. And yet I doubt I have either of those.

I'm scared to put myself out there, because I'm scared of the confirmation that no one wants me.

This ask though. It helped to push those thoughts back onto the back burner. You understood so much of what I was trying so hard to convey in that story. And it touched you. And that's what I wanted so desperately.

Thank you so much for loving aim for the heart, for even giving it a chance at first. I know it's long. Btw you binged over 1200 pages in three days. That's a big ass book lol so you are impressive I must say 😭 yall are truly a different breed. I finally found my people 😂 the fact that you GOT so many of my little details in there is so AGHHH

Anyway, enough of my blubbering. Again I'm not even satisfied with this. But oh well. As long as you know how much this meant to me and how many times I read this over and over again bc it was such a beautiful and comforting ask.

I hope I can continue to give you works that make you feel like this 💕💕💕

ILY 💖

-chip

p.s. you are right, I'll have to go back and see but I don't think I put in there why she didn't see the pictures, I had intended to but forgot lol, nice catch 😉 let's just say she has a different phone 🤪

[free--therapy]

It's anon!

Umm I've been thinking about whether certain thoughts are normal or common when someone's dealing with anxiety or even just overthinking in general?

First of all, you know how I've mentioned that some of the topics I worry about are...well....weird or not as normal. Recently, I've again started worrying about the content I watched so many years ago. I thought I was totally over this by the end of 2021 because after that, I never let this topic bother me at all. But suddenly almost two years later in again worrying about it.

The thoughts could be anything like "Why did you watch it? What does it mean?" "What does it say about you?" "Are you looking at that sort of stuff in a weird way in real life too?" Etc. There are SO many other thoughts I have related to this topic too....it's like a million different "what ifs" have suddenly popped up out of nowhere.

Anyway, what I wanted to say is, as this topic is a bit weird so I haven't been able to really share anything about my worries related to it to anyone else, not even my sister. Which makes me feel lonely sometimes. And you know how the more we don't share it, the more it feels like it's real or as if it's really the truth? That's what's been bothering me a lot recently.

You see, about my elder sister, she knows that I've been struggling a bit with anxiety the last few months but I've only told her that "I've been overthinking and feeling anxious and not feeling good the last few weeks especially sinc October started" but I don't share with her any details at all about what it is that I'm exactly worrying about. This is because, first of all, I've been overthinking about a lot of different topics and some of those topics are weird to share with others too.

So while she knows that I've been overthinking, she doesn't know how bad it actually is because I never show it openly at all. So she probably thinks it's a minor thing and since she's not the anxious type at all, she doesn't really know how much it takes over my every day or how it really affects my mood.

My elder sister is a practical sort of person so she seldom lets overthinking affect her anymore than normal. She can let it go easily. So while I know she loves me but today when I just joked about how I was feeling really worse (I wasn't joking but couldn't say it in any other way tbh) she just said, "You know you're overthinking so why are you letting it bother you? It's your fault that you let it get this further. You could've stopped right when it first started. You should train your mind to think differently." And I know she meant it nicely but hearing her say "It's your fault" made me feel so bad, I had a whole breakdown after that in my room. I know it's my fault for letting my mind affect me this way but I can't help being sad if it affects me so much mentally right? She says I could try to be happier instead of focusing on the negative so much and I know she means well but it's like.....if it was so easy then I could've never been in this cycle at all right? I felt so lonely when she said that.

Honestly, it's my fault because right from childhood I've been the sort of child in our family who rarely shares her needs and wants. I always just suck it up and comply with my parents and siblings. I try to be the "understanding one" always and never ever share how I really feel about any situation. It's like a facade I've built over a long time that I'm always "chill" with things. But I didn't do that on purpose. Maybe I just never wanted to disappoint them and I didn't want them to feel like I'm a burden by troubling them. I wanted to be loved by them and wanted them to pay attention to me. So I always kept the important things and feelings inside me and only shared other stuff with them. Even now, I don't share what I genuinely think about certain things with them even though I trust them. And it's my fault I did that but I didn't know any better, I was just a child. Even now, I feel like I'm still a child. It's like having to act as the more "understanding one" growing up ended up making me feel more like a child as I grew up.

But now, because of that, now I can't share my feelings even though they feel so heavy right now. Maybe I need someone to hear me out now more than ever but I can't bring myself to lay bare like that you know? I did share my worries about "me overthinking if I'm a bad person" with my sister though but so far that's the only topic of worry I've shared with her. Everything else is just more weird and....just not something I can expect them to understand. And yet when she said today that "it's my fault" I just barely controlled crying right in front of her lol

Sometimes I hate myself for being this way and for worrying about so many things that don't matter. But then, it's at times like these when I need to be all the more kind, loving and compassionate towards myself right? Since it feels so worse right now, I need to say nice things and remind myself that it'll be okay, right?

Which brings me to the other questions I have: So since many of my worries are also kind of weird (or a bit bizarre), if I ever get a therapist/psychiatrist in the future, is it even okay to share every worry with them? I mean, I usually don't talk about my thoughts in detail, especially when it comes to the more weird ones. But that also makes me feel like because of that, I can't really get proper help since I don't go too much into the details.

But is it okay to share all the thoughts (even the weird details) with a therapist? And when I don't want to share some certain details, is it okay to believe that even without sharing those, I can still heal and move on? I don't know, recently, I've started worrying that "Even if I do get professional help, can they even understand what I'm saying?" "What if they judge me for my weird worries?" "Or even worse, what if they misunderstand?" Like for example, if suppose I share that I read those manga with adults doing stuff with children (ugh I hate talking about this in detail) in the past and if I actually wanted to share what kind of thoughts related to it I've been overthinking about then for that, I might have to go into some details about my thoughts right? Would that be okay? Wouldn't that be weird for them?

What if they end up thinking I'm actually a ped*phile or something? That will just trigger me more won't it? What if they completely misunderstand that these thoughts are "my worries" and instead end up thinking that I'm interested in that and end up diagnosing me with something completely different or something? I mean, my worries could be "what if I'm interested in that?" but that's my worry and I'm going to a therapist to help me let go of that worry and see the situation more realistically. But what if instead of doing that, they end up misunderstanding me completely?

I can't help but overthink about this stuff which just triggers me more. I mean, if I think rationally, I can see how they're trained professionals who know how the mind works and how it brings up these awful "what ifs" and they must know, much better than me, to not believe these thoughts or how to deal with those.

I understand that and yet, my anxious self just can't help but overthink about stuff like "What details can you share with them? Which details can you not?" "Can you even share the details about your worries at all?" "Will they even understand?" "What if they just judge me and think somethings wrong with me for having all the weird bizzare worries?"

What do you think? Am I just overthinking about this again? Sometimes I can't distinguish between what's a genuine concern and what's an irrational anxiety triggered thought. So I can't distinguish between which thoughts I should really be rationalising and which thoughts I shouldn't get entangled with at all. I mentioned this in the last ask too.

It's like I had completely forgotten how bad these thoughts and overthinking can actually feel. Since the beginning of 2022, I haven't had any spiral which was "too bad" most were manageable and I was doing great as I've said many times. So I rarely had times where I felt like "this thought/worry won't ever go away" and I rarely had times where I would "genuinely" believe or be "genuinely concerned" about certain thoughts. The last time I felt this way was back in 2021 when I first had these thoughts. So feeling this way again after so long is pretty scary tbh.

One of the biggest concerns I have is worrying what I'll do if I really internalize these thoughts or what I'll do if I really end up believing them. This concern is what leads me to ruminate over the worries related to the past and future instead of rationalising in a healthy way.

I mean, suppose the worry thought about me worrying about me being a ped*phile. What if I end up believing it deep down? What if that ends up bothering my actual life and relationships? Etc. These thoughts lead to more detailed thoughts about the topic and it keeps getting worse, one detail after another. That's what I mean. It's kinda similar to people who worry about "losing control" over themselves due to anxiety.

The idea that "if I don't do something about this thought, I might end up believing it" or "if I don't completely get rid of it or if I don't rationalise it completely, then it might start affecting me and my life really and something worse might happen" or "if I don't do something about this, I might believe this" .....these are the types of thoughts which end up making me feel really concerned and so I end up getting stuck in a cycle of rumination over it, trying to find a "solution" to the thought, which doesn't even exist.

I just keep trying to control the situation or control my thoughts/feelings just in case the worst case scenario comes to pass. So overthinking and considering every single possibility and every "what if", no matter how bizzare it is, and trying to find a solution for every single one "just in case" but then that leads to really triggering worry thought which might seem to affect my sense of self. So this in turn affects me more and leads to more rumination.

And then the idea that despite having so many thoughts that affect me so much and feel so heavy, I may not be able to share all of these (or at least, most of these) with anyone, not even a therapist, because "what if these worry thoughts of mine are too weird and bizzare?" But thinking like that just makes me feel kinda hopeless, like there's no way out or something.

I mean, after all, it's not like I can erase these thoughts from my mind and I want help exactly because I need to find ways to combat them or how to approach these thoughts and not believe them.

Is all these kinds of worries common with people who overthink or have anxiety?

Sorry for asking so many questions again 😭 And thank you for reading!

Hey Anon,

I'm not sure what kind of tone your sister had when she said those things to you, but she's not entirely wrong with what she said. We all are responsible for what goes on in our minds and how we react to things, however, if we weren't given the right tools to figure out how to manage them, then obviously that's what makes it difficult. I used to hate when people used to say those things to me because it felt like it was so easy to them, and now that I made it out to the other side, I can definitely see how natural it has become now that I've learned all the techniques to be able to let thoughts go and not let things that used to bother me so much affect me anymore.

What isn't helpful about people saying those things is that they don't even offer any help or advice to reach that way of thinking! That always bothered me. I know for some people their intent isn't malicious, but when you're the one who is struggling and feeling so incredibly helpless, it may seem so counterintuitive and you end up getting mad at yourself because you haven't reached this point that feels so unattainable.

When it comes to therapy, you only get out of it what you're willing to put in. I wouldn't expect you to unload everything all at once since it takes time to even build up trust with a stranger to tell them things. It's definitely easier though to talk to strangers about your worries than people you know and love. I know it took me a long while to open up to my therapist, but you only have to share what you're comfortable with and then work towards being able to trust them enough to finally talk about those really deep things that are bothering you. You only have to share what you want to, so don't feel like you absolutely need to share everything. I do believe that once you're able to handle some of the smaller issues and worries, you can learn to apply them to everything in your life since a lot of your fears and worries all have a similar formula.

A therapist's job is to help you and not judge or criticize you. If you feel like they are doing so by the types of things they say, then maybe they're not the one for you. I know it's discouraging when you have to start over with someone new and invest more time and energy to build up trust, but if you're really determined to figure out how to handle your worries, it'll all be worth it to you. I was super hungry to get to the bottom of all of my worries and fears and I didn't stop until I was able to tackle them all (and I still apply them to any new ones that may pop up these days). There are also therapists for just about anything, so I don't think what you've been burdened with will be anything new to them. There are people with weird sexual addictions and fetishes that seek therapists too, and those kinds of therapists have likely heard it all. Of course it always seems like we're alone with our worries when pretty much everyone else keeps so much of their shame to themselves. You have to be okay with getting uncomfortable for the sake of recovery. It's worth it, Anon!

Also, you're already jumping to conclusions with all these assumptions you're making to not see the therapist, even though I can tell you actually want to get help. Don't let yourself keep yourself from getting the help you know you want and need. You are worthy and well deserving of it and not even your thoughts should keep you from believing that ❤

[livebloggingmydescentintomadness]

hi I usually love ur takes n some of them have literally meant a lot to me when I was struggling to find myself n somewhat still am but not this time. there's absolutely no need to even try to defend the rich texan man jus cus disappointment isn't a new thing for u guys who've been in the fandom for years. horrible behaviour w/ fans need not be normalised under any circumstances n there's just no need to say 'oh the rich white man mustn't have heard the question or the crying he's not like that.' No. Just no. The solution of going in w/ no expectations may be rational but that's not what happened right. We fully expected to be disappointed wrt destiel n I personally expected a full jomophobe panel tbh but not this shit w/ the grieving fan & girl!jack. if ppl are calling him out on being shitty I absolutely don't see the need to call it an overexaggeration on our part. Sorry it got too long. Sorry if I've hurt you in any way, not my intention. I love you and your patience.

okay so i got a lot of asks yesterday, the day Jensen Said The Thing About Jack, far more than i can possibly answer. and while the majority were positive support (and thank you so much to everyone who sent support, i see you and i love you), but i got several hostile, antagonistic asks, and there was a particular reoccurring theme in them that i did not have the cognitive energy to address yesterday.

however, i have now had time to have a good old fashioned shower argument session, so i'm going to write this out, and i'm choosing this ask because it was at least less hostile than others.

here's the thing. basically everyone who was hostile to me used the exact same words: "why are you defending the rich white middle-aged texan man."

they said those words over and over. rich white middle-aged texan man. rich white middle-aged texan man.

now, if you don't know, i happen to be a white person who has lived in texas my entire life, and is closer to middle-aged than i'd prefer. just so we're all starting on the same page here.

while it's a dangerous thing to do on tumblr, i would like to try and deconstruct some of the logic here.

it appears as though the argument to this statement is simply, "this person has multiple axes of privilege, therefore he is wrong by default and everyone agreeing with him is wrong by default." it appears as though the argument is, "a debate on morality and correct vs incorrect is won or lost based on the amount of privilege held by those having the debate".

because, let me make it perfectly clear: i never said that jensen did absolutely nothing wrong. i never "poor baby"d him. i said that he was probably stressed out and anxious and he probably didn't mean it to come out the way it sounded, but i completely understood why people felt grossed out and upset by what he said. i said that i would like for someone to sit him down and explain to him why what he said was gross so he could do better, because i think that he's a sincere person would do better once he knows better. i did not pull the "stop being so mean to my poor little meow meow" routine. i discussed the subject at length, with what i think is a proper degree of nuance.

but every time i wrote 500 words of nuance, somebody else told me "stop defending the rich white middle aged texan man."

and i don't want to get into a whole essay here, but like..... do you people understand that each one of those things are not, in of themselves, bad?

yes, jensen is "rich", but is not wealthy. if you don't know the difference between 10 million and 10 billion, please do some math. he's a c list celebrity, not elon musk. yes, jensen is white. so am i. so is misha. so are lots of quite decent people. yes, jensen is middle aged. are we really gonna get ageist here and act like not being 20 is a character flaw? all of you will be middle aged someday.

yes, jensen is from texas. do you know why texas is shitty? because of gerrymandering and voter suppression, not because the people who live here suck worse than anywhere else. i see people make posts going "lmao he's literally from texas" like it's hilarious. donald trump was born in new york. what's your fucking point?

and yes, jensen is a man. is radfem rhetoric really so pervasive that i need to say that being a man is not bad? i mean like, it's one thing to vent and joke about men as a class, it's another thing entirely to act as though being a man makes you a bad person. men are not bad. men are fucking great. i love men.

and the thing is, i say all of this, but of course you know it already. because two days ago you knew that jensen was a rich white middle-aged texan man, and you still called him "king" and parasocialized like fucking crazy. when you thought he was gonna go out on stage and say "dean wants cas to fuck him in the ass" you LOVED him, you wanted to suck his dick. you didn't care that he was a rich white middle-aged texan.

but, when he didn't say the things you were demanding he say, you turned on him. he wasn't your king anymore. and then he fumbled a lame joke that was, at worst, casually sexist. (i will no longer entertain anyone saying he sexualized a child. if you cannot understand that alex calvert is in his thirties i do not know what to say to you anymore.) and it's completely fair to say "i don't like that joke, it was casually sexist and made me feel gross." that is completely fair.

BUT. with that, you have to admit that you're not upset about jensen being a rich white middle-aged texan man, you're upset about what he said. and, again, that's fair, as long as you're not twisting it into shit it wasn't. anyone who's upset and grossed out by the "a few more glances" comment, i sympathize with you. i'm not excusing the fact that he said it.

so... we're back to the fact that when i was discussing this, i was trying to discuss the morality of what he said, and whether those of us having the discussion were correct or incorrect in what he meant by what he said. and over and over, people responded with the "rich white middle aged texan man".

which, if you've made it this far, brings me to my ultimate point: i don't know how to tell you this, tumblr, but morality and correctness is not determined by privilege.

the most marginalized person in the room is not inherently the most moral person in the room, or the kindest. being gay or Black or disabled or poor doesn't make you a good person. being kind makes you a good person. and i guess this might be controversial on here, but sometimes privileged people are kind, and sometimes marginalized people are unkind assholes.

i was not defending jensen because he's white or a man, but because i think he's kind, and i think the people trashing him were both unkind and incorrect. i am not going to become so fucking brainrotted that i say "kill him" because the him in question is a white man who said one mildly upsetting thing, and i'm not gonna just go along with people who do.

i do not fucking like the way my dash turned so swiftly from kissing jensen's ass when they thought he was gonna say something gay to literally calling for him to be murdered because he said one dumb thing. the way people acted was unkind and cruel and undeserved, and i don't care how marginalized you are, if you are unkind and cruel for sport, i don't like you. you make fandom a terrible place.

i will defend anyone that i think is a kind, genuine person, and i will call out anyone who i think is an unkind asshole. i don't care if you're gay or trans or a person of color, if you're an unkind asshole, i'm not going to stand by you. your oppression is not an excuse for being a shitty ass person.

and before i end this post that DID turn into an essay despite my best efforts, there's one more thing i'd like to bring up that i found... interesting.

as soon as the dash starting going to hell over The Comment, i immediately saw people saying things like "well what do you expect from a straight man." and those people were the SAME people who have spent months making jokes about jensen being "[gunshots]" and gleefully partaking in my cockles masterlist. in other words, these people have spent nigh a year joking around and agreeing that jensen is a queer man.

but the moment he displeased them, he became a straight man again. as if being queer is only reserved for good people (you do know that queer men can be sexist, right?) and straight = bad. as though they were punishing a queer man by calling him straight.

and ultimately, i think my point is that you don't say "(straight) rich white middle-aged texan man" because you think those really are inherently bad things, because you were a fan of jensen five minutes ago. i think you say that so you have an excuse to be mean. just fucking nasty and unkind and violent and disgusting, really.

as long as he's all those things, there's no problem with saying that he should be shot in the head, right? because of course, it would be Wrong and Terrible to say that a poor disabled native lesbian should be shot in the head because she said something that upset you, right? and the difference would be because, uh... because being marginalized inherently makes you Good and being privileged inherently makes you Bad? so as long as the person in question was born under certain circumstances, it's totally cool and funny to make jokes wishing violent death upon them.

and, before anyone comes to tell me i'm a hypocrite, then, for saying rude things about jared, i'm going to explain, if i must, that the reason i hate jared is because he's not only a self-centered bigot, but because he thinks being cruel for sport is funny. do you get my point?

lastly, before i press post, i'm going to say this one more time: jensen absolutely did not hear that girl crying from backstage. i have been in a convention audience and not been able to clearly hear what a questioner said, because they are not mic'd as well as the person onstage. that is not an excuse, that's just a fact. some event coordinator told jensen to round up misha for the next thing on the schedule, jensen did not know what was currently going on, and he came out teasing in a way that would have been perfectly fine if the question was light-hearted, which they usually are. someone asking a question involving how to cope with the death of their abusive father is simply not what is typically happening at convention panels. he didn't. fucking. know.

at this point, i think that you guys actually just enjoy tearing people down and manipulating something into an excuse to be cruel. you view real, actual human people with feelings as toys to be played with, and when they don't dance the way you like, you throw a tantrum. and if that's what you want out of fandom, stop making any pretense of valuing kindness.

[hawkinsschoolcounselor]

https://youtu.be/PqzVNKurum4

This is a new interview with Finn, Charlie and Eduardo. It seems they’re already talking about Vol2. I assume Finn can’t really spoil the whole thing or be too specific but he does talk about the Will thing. He says Mike is oblivious and then he says a bit more. I gotta say it doesn’t sound very promising to me tbh. It sounds like unrequited. I hate this so much. However, maybe that’s just my perspective of what he said since I’m already feeling negative idk. I’d like some other opinions.

I'm only seeing this for the first time today, though I've seen other people's takes on it.

You can see Finn struggling to answer without giving anything away, but he does describe Will's feelings as "beautiful." He's also speaking in uncertainties, despite knowing how things turn out.

"I don't think he knows" is probably valid at this point in the season. Mike probably has no clue by episode 7.

"There's a mu...probably a mutual understanding." He was about to say something, then corrected himself. Now he may just have been correcting his phrasing, turning it from a statement to a conjecture by using "probably" or he may have been about to say something else. Will getting rejected isn't a mutual understanding, even if he swallows that bitter pill and forces a smile on his face. At worst, I'd expect it to be an agreement for them to see where it goes for them. No promises except to explore it together.

"There's an acceptance." Keep in mind this is all from the interviewer asking for Mike's reaction to it. If he's answering the question as asked, then he's saying Mike accepts Will's feelings. Not necessarily returns, but accepts. No denials or refusals. No pushback.

I almost feel like Charlie stepped in to pivot the question a bit.

"There's an amazing scene this season with you and Will." I can't imagine Charlie is talking about anything we've seen so far. The scene in the bedroom was sweet, but short, and I wouldn't call it amazing. It could be that scene, though, because Charlie may have been on hand to see it as he said he did. I'd hope that's not the high point of their dynamic this season, though.

In the end, I don't see any reason to be dismayed by this interview. Like I've said a million times, they're not going to give anything away in an interview. Still, it's nice that at least we're not playing coy about Will's feelings anymore.

[kinnoth]

hiiiii!! ❤️ for the ask: 😈💌💔🤡🤯✅🛒

😈 Has there been a point in a story where you did something just to be playfully mean to your readers?

tbh i ....don't really think about my readers at all.... when i'm writing something. i do a ton of things to be mean to the canon; frequently i just straight up lift motifs and dialogue out of canon with the deliberate intention of recontextualising it in a sort of "fuck you, you made a thing, i made it better".

i think the most "haha cheeky :P" thing i've ever done to my readers is start a million fics and never finish them. bc i'm literally the worst.

💌 How do you feel about comments and feedback?

love comments and feedback, hate people who show up 2/3 of the way through class to throw bottles at the lecturer bc they didn't do the reading and now they're mad that they're confused. like damn, why are you here?? maybe this isn't for you??? get off my ceiling fan????

💔 Is there a fic of yours that broke your heart?

oooomg i also never published this so nobody but my wife knows it exists at all, but fucking, bloodborn marriage AU. it's all natural consequences, and everybody ends up in the worst possible scenario.

for publicly available fic "indirect" is a good sad time

🤡 What's a line, scene, or exchange you've written that made you laugh?

ok, i know i'm not funny, i've never claimed to be funny, and i think i'm too literal and suspicious of absurdity to ever learn how to be funny

that said, i wrote this to make myself laugh so i still think it's funny

🤯 What's a genre you struggle with as a writer (ex. romance, action, etc.)?

i can't do mystery? or horror which is just, mystery but spooky. i'm not good at plot and i'm doubly not good at disseminating information in a deliberate way and keeping answers to myself once i've already figured something out. it's the reason why i'm terrible at writing fic longer than 5k words and why all the fics i have written over 5k words have been the genre of "emotional intrigue".

✅ What's something that appears in your fics over and over and over again, even if you don't mean to?

the frankest answer to this is gay dudes. i never intended to be this fujoshi ass pornographer but it happened anyway. i think it's cos i grew up on media that universally wrote women in a kind of secondary, supportive, but ultimately uninteresting way (classic mainstream misogyny & 00s anime style) and so naturally i was like "the main dude and his dude friend are the best characters, let's go see what other people have to say about them", and thus i found fanfic, which was incredibly "THEY CAN DO WHAT?!??"

i'm getting better about it though. i've even written some women who i personally find interesting. but it was a weirdly difficult road to get here.

🛒 What are some common things you incorporate in your fics? Themes, feels, scenes, imagery, etc.

answered here!

[noa-ciharu]

Ok dear. I am a hopeless romantic mixed in with a heavy dose of cynicism brought on by hard-cold reality. BOOM.

But I am very curious about what it means to be aromantic? More importantly, what is your experience of being aromantic--especially as you consume works like TB?

p.s. sort of off topic: Have you read Saezuru Tori wa Habatakanai? I suspect you will enjoy it.

First thing first: #mood (and RIP it must be exhausting energy vise). Also yeah I did, but when I was an idiot teen of 15-16 so I don't remember anything. Looks 👌 and complex so I'll give it a try.

So text book definition of aromantisism is "not experiencing romantic attraction towards others" but what you already most likely than not though about "wait but what's romantic attraction then", that's a million dollars question. It has to be described abstractly so it can fit vast majority of folks with different experiences and stances and romantic orientations. So this sums it up:

Intent part is most important in my opinion: if actions is meant with romantic/platonic/sexual/emotional intent then it's exactly aiming to form that kind of bond. There's a whole place of Queer platonic relationships which fall out of relationships hierarchies but I won't be going into that here (but it is 👌); I'd like it but it's a pipe dream since people here are conservative af (East Europe).

So in my personal experience, it is isolating. Not because of not feeling romantical attraction (I've never felt it, not even a crush) but because of amatonormativity and society's expectations. People don't believe me when I say I have no desire to form romantical bonds. My own mother doesn't. Also I very very slowly form platonic ones as well since I always form intellectual bonds (except when I meet empaths, I mean real ones, with them I surprisingly fit in well) and people well... to be blunt, non stereotypical ones willing to discuss things out of tunel vision are far and in between (also most of them try to fit me in a box as well, which just can't do, since I dont fit into a stereotype). Few times I've been called selfish and a monster without emotions by people irl (but the fact that their words did hurt proves devoid of emotions part wrong; I just rarely show them). Do I want a romantic relationship? I'd say in theory maybe but I don't deal well with intense emotions; but in practice it's full no: that relationship would never be satisfactory on my part as I'd be pushed to do things I dont like (as well as sexual ones, I'm ace too) but it'd be too for other person because they'll feel like they're being denied their "right to be romantic and sexual". And why would I put myself and other person in such dilemmas only because it's a "right thing to do".

Few times girls in class teased me about some boys and I felt something which I thought might be crush - flashnews it was anxiety and stress! Not butterflies in stomach, also it stopped the same instant teasing stopped so it was all about them, not said boy. Once I entered a relationship, lasted 5 days because I realized i didn't want to pretend i like someone that way. Didn't want to alter and change myself into something unrecognizable and fake as well as push over my boundaries for someone who i'd never have common language with and would never care about truly. Call it ego-centric and it is, but I'm honest to myself at least. Part of me cringes when I see romance irl, especially pda or amatonormative behavior. Tbh I've struggled for some time about being "normal and fitting into crowd" even if such concept is pure absurdity and indefinable (due to aromantisism and being generally disinterested in other people). So it's a slap to the face in a way, especially since society thinks those who prefer to stay single are inferior in a way and there's something wrong with them (which is not true, but you know...)

So what about media then? I like romance in it on conditions: 1) not stereotypical and cheesy (I enjoy casual shojo from time to time tho) 2) is complex and has other themes beside romance 3) something just clicks (I suppose this is how romance feels irl, thus nothing ever "clicked" into place for me). Although i rarely ship things (why I love Clamp so much is because their love doesn't try to fit in amatonormative's definition of love and bond is always unique). Sometimes if I get so into a ship i can feel a 1% of what might be called romantic attraction, towards noone in particular, just butterflies in the stomach kinda thing. But then again, as a writer, I do experience same things when writing other emotions... maybe it's due to empathy, idk rly.

Since you've mentioned Tokyo Babylon, I'm going to drop an unpopular opinion: as an aro, I was (after shock and disbelief) satisfied with the ending and deconstruction of "love will fix everything!!!" trope. Words can't describe how much I hate that mentality. Of course, Seishirou's certain actions in that ending strem from cruelty and apathetic amoral stances on human life, not aromantisism in any way.

Let's note here that when someone says they dont feel romantic attraction it doesn't mean love altogether (platonic, caring, family, pets, things in life, hobbies ect.) but in a way it feels like you have to compensate for lack of quote quote "something as important as love". There are loveless aros after all. So yea, I don't face oppression and aggressive threats as trans, gay/lesbian, bi, nb folks, but aro and aces have it bad too as well as demis and rest of aspec ("how can you know?", "why you dont like me?, "when will you get bf, what about kids??", " that's fake", "go to therapy", "you monster", "you have to get married one day", " you're just trying to be morally above and shame on people", "dont try to be special", ect.)

In the end, love means different things to different people and I've never experienced anything towards irl person to label it as "ah this might be (romantic) attraction". Some people might pity me but I'm completely fine with being aro, what I'm not fine with is how society responds to aro and aspec people.

[toomanyfandoms02]

Biggest Fan // Spencer Reid x Reader

Blurb request by @aberrant-annie ! This was cute tbh.

Summary - Y/n meets her favorite Doctor, and they hit it off.

Prompt - "I'm your biggest fan!"

Y/n's mother had always called her an 'unusual specimen.'

She found it weird that she was so 'outgoing' and 'popular' (by her standards). While also being a complete nerd who was interested heavily in Criminal Justice and Chemistry. She had articles upon articles posted in her room about her favorite theories and subjects. That was the only thing that she was teased about, even a little bit, which was mostly by her family. Her mother, and everyone else, had gotten quite use to this once the girl was out of highschool.

Y/n had actually recently graduated from Hampton University with a full ride just last year. But she was still struggling greatly with finding a full time job with it.

She thought back to all of the interning jobs with the police force and even a very small section of the FBI, but nothing really came of it.

That's when she saw the flyers for the FBI seminar being held at her college.

The flyer was ripped from the utility pole outside of her apartment.

*The FBIs very own BAU (Behavioral Analysis Unit) is coming to Hampton University June 20th from 1 pm to 3:30 pm. Agents will be coming in to talk about solved cases and answer any questions you have! Agents David Rossi, Emily Prentiss, and Aaron Hotchner. Along with Dr. Spencer Reid and their Technical analyst Penelope Garcia.*

Her eyes bulged as she read the paper, Spencer Reid was going to be there?! At her old college?! **Talking about Crime?!**

She will absolutely be there.

-

Here she was, standing in front of the building she had spent grueling hours studying in. Making friends, meeting the man the poor girl had her longest relationship with in, and then dumping his sorry ass. A building full of memories.

And was *hopefully* about to make another meaningful memory.

She clutched the small notebook in her hands while the colorful sundress she sported swished with her movements. She peered around the entrance, remembering all the times she had walked in here, not a care in the world. *Except for exams*.

She made her way to the auditorium and looked down at her watch.

*12:15*

Whoops, she was a little early. White sneakers echoed as she walked to the front row, planting herself in the front row. Y/n sat sideways, propping her feet up on the seat beside her and pulling out a book.

*The Dissapearing Spoon: And Other True Tales of Madness, Love, and the History of the World from the Periodic Table of the Elements*

When she saw it at Barnes and Noble, she read the spine of the book and immediatly bought it when her eyes read periodic table. It was a slight fascination of hers.

She read for a while, finding it so intriguing that she effortlessly flipped through the pages. After about 10 or so minutes of reading, her ears perked up at the sound of a door opening and closing. Assuming that it was another person interested in the seminar, her eyes remained glued to the book. Just to make sure she wasn't too caught up in the book, she checked her phone for the time.

*12:25* Her guess was pretty accurate.

That's when she heard a slight giggle from behind her. She jumped from the seat a bit, slinging her legs over so that she wasn't laying across two chairs. Her hand grabbed my chest over her heart.

"Holy shit!" She looked over to see a familiar face, not one she had expected would be sneaking behind her and laughing. "Dr. Reid?" Her breath calmed. His smile faltered slightly.

"You know who I am?" She nodded profusely. Of course she knew who he was, he was part of the articles on her wall at home. She found his articles particularly interesting.

~~He was the whole reason she came to the seminar.~~

"Yes! I love your writings, I'm probably your biggest fan!" Her cheeks flushed at the comment, so she did what she always did when something slightly embarrassing happened.

*She rambled.*

"I love your article on the method to applying microfluidic electrochemical technologies to single-electron transfer redox-neutral reactions. I thought it was so cool that you went back to Caltech to mentor those students and ended up finding out that placing the components near one another in a microfluid platform worked! I could never even think like that, you are fascinating."

Spencer had never met someone who knew so much about him, let alone someone who was genuinly interested in what he did. Outside of his official career.

Y/n's face was slowly getting more read as she kept talking.

"I'm so sorry, I'm probably totally overwhelming you." She said with a nervous laugh.

"No no!" His hands flew up in surrender. "I'm just kind of fascinated that you know all of this stuff." His hand flew to his mouth in regret immediatly. "That sounded very sexist, that's not how I meant it. You just look a little young to know about it." Now it was his turn for a red face.

"*I'm* a little young to know about this stuff?" She scoffed lightly with a chuckle. "Says the one who graduated high school at 12."

"Touché." He nodded.

"What were you laughing at anyway, you snuck up on me like a ghost."

"Your lock screen." He pointed to her phone, the screen of course displayed a Chemistry joke.

*What do you do with a sick chemist?*

*If you can't helium, and you can't curium, then you might as well barium.*

"Do you have a job that deals with Chemistry?"

"Uh, not yet. I just graduated last year, from here actually." Her hands gestured around the room. "I majored in Criminal Justice and minored in Psychology and Chemistry. So I'm not *that* young." She joked. "I've been trying to land a job but it's proving to be pretty hard." She gave a slightly sad smile.

"That's incredible! Do you mind if I ask how old you are?" He was invested in this interesting girl now, he wanted to soak up everything about her and her pretty eyes and gorgeous smile.

"I'm 26."

*Perfect.* He thought.

"Also," his eyes glanced at his watch. "How long have you been sitting here?"

"Around 15 ish minutes now. I like to be punctual" She shrugged.

"Is it still punctual if you're 10 minutes early?" Dr. Reid teased with a smile. This made a smile creep onto her face and her eyes rolled.

"I just wanted a good seat to listen to my favorite Doctor." She replied nonchalantly. It took her off guard how flirtatious and confident she was being all of the sudden, not that either of them minded it.

"That is a valid reason." He nodded at her and pointed his thumb behind him. "I actually have to get going, we ar going over the cases a last time before we present them to the crowd."

"Not that you need it with that Eidetic memory of your Dr. Reid." She grinned. He chuckled back with a big smile, she knew a lot about him, it was flattering.

"Trust, me it's not my choice to go over it a million times." She waved aslt him as he turned to the exit door. Right before he got to the door he whipped around, looking at her again. "You can call me Spencer by the way." Y/n threw up the 'OK' symbol with her hands and his her face behind her book as he stumbled into the door.

*What a girl. How am I going to do this whole presentation in front of her?*

But he did fine. In Y/n's eyes he did *perfect*.

Towards the end of the seminar, the group was giving out their business cards. They went row by row, take one pass it on. But Spencer's was delivered personally. She flipped it over to see a number on the back. He looked at her as she flipped the number side to him, tapping on it and winking.

Y/n watched as the woman she now knew as Emily Prentiss nudged his shoulder and waved at you.

*She hoped to get to know all these people very well.*

[harry-sussex]

You're lovely, and I enjoy seeing your blog on my dashboard. I'm sorry this has been such a difficult thing to process. It's always really difficult to rework an image of someone you once thought you knew. However I'd like to just put it out there - sometimes (I think the large majority of the time) news is presented in the most sensationalist way, such that nowadays I make a point of de-sensationalizing any news I read in my head. In the case of the whole Harry's memoir thing- I can sympathize with Harry as a person possibly just wanting to take back some control of the narrative for himself. Not just in the most recent events with family (that I tend to think are less horrifying than the fandom/Twitter sussex squad discusses it anyway), but in all aspects of his life. I do not at all think he's going to put his family on blast. I can easily imagine Meghan reigning that dialogue in; she has the tendency to think before she speaks that he seems to lack. And he loves his family. Similar to The Interview promos, I imagine the publishing house knew to increase the interest by implying it to be a tell all memoir. I think he's just done a lot of growing up that he didn't know he had to do over a short period of time, esp re: implicit bias/racism in the setting of media's blatant attack on someone he loves, and is disappointed by the institution's and his family's response to it. I think he's emerged a more introspective and aware human, albeit a disillusioned one. Yes it breaks my heart to think that Meghan won't get a break from the tabloids any time soon. If I were him I'd counsel him to write it & sit on it for a few yrs. But I don't want to give the media the power to destroy Meghan in my mind, and I pray she & Harry won't either. I think she'll be okay. She's a strong one, and I think he's able to draw that same link for himself and be thoughtful about what he does. No one likes being misunderstood/misinterpreted, and I wouldn't be surprised if Harry's especially triggered by that given his history with the press. Maybe this idea emerged from therapy, idk. I can empathize with that, even if I wouldn't do it myself. I hope and pray Meghan gets the support she needs from him and her loved ones in the meantime. I'm honestly not going to read it. I think the less attention I give the BRF the better off they are, unless they're doing something immoral/illegal (see: Woking pizza alibi). And I think at the end of the day, people will unfairly judge other people, especially public figures that have tragic pasts and are publically fighting with the media. A lot of it is going to be noise and I'm not going to give my energy into figuring it out. I like to think I've got a good sense of who they are as people - flawed but ultimately well meaning and earnest. I'm a huge admirer of Meghan and think Harry got really lucky with this one and I'm proud of him for choosing her in more ways than one. I believe Harry and Meghan are lovely people, and I 100% believe their interview. I believe that there are people in the palace with a lot of unchecked power who deliberately uncovered her and Archie from BRF protection for reasons of believed superiority over Meg & Arch. And they're figuring out how to deal with that as a couple and a family. And it's none of my business past that imo. I pray for them and hope it'll eventually end in peace for them all. Just wanted to add another perspective, and hopefully some levity. xx M

Hi, dear. First thing’s first, I really appreciate that this is off anon lol. I love it when people own their opinions, and it says a lot that you did. So thank you for that.

Second of all, I really appreciate the nuance and perspective that is in this message. I agree that the news is sensationalist, and my initial reaction was based off of that. I did watch the promotional clips of the interview and I believe it did sour my expectations going into it when I watched it nearly a week after it aired. I did my best to stay away from Tumblr because I didn’t want that to hinder my view, but it was impossible to separate the promotions that presented the information one way from what it actually was, and thank you for bringing that up with respect to the memoir because I hadn’t considered it. I will say that my knee jerk reaction is pretty on par with the way I still feel about it 24 hours later, especially since I got the news directly, not from Tumblr or Twitter or anywhere else, but you’re right that it could have soured my view from the very start.

I appreciate that he wants to take back some of the narrative but I think that ship has sailed, tbh. He did that with the interview and now I just think it feels like information overload. At some point, people are going to get tired of hearing the wealthy, privileged, powerful Prince complain about his life while more than 4 million people have died due to a global pandemic in less than 2 years. Not to say that he doesn’t struggle - in the words of Roxane Gay, there is no oppression Olympics (and that can be extended to struggle Olympics) - but people view it that way and will get tired of it, if they haven’t already.

I also agree that Harry’s past with the press has tarnished the way he has handled the media and the public post-exit, when he’s finally in a position to strike back without being somewhat obliged to them as part of the circumstances of his birth. I understand and sympathize with him but I just don’t think the public does, and the public matters much, much more than the perspective of one single American fan, to whom he’s never been obliged, and I simply do not think the public will afford him that same understanding, sympathy, and leniency. The public and the media are critical to his humanitarian work - his mother never realized that towards the end of her life, and I truly don’t think she would have been the martyr/saint she is perceived to be now if she had lived, because she did not know how to meet the media in the middle and eventually that started to piss people off. He’s starting to piss people off now and if it doesn’t bother him personally (which it definitely does), I don’t want it to affect his causes. The Invictus Games, Sentebale, Walking with the Wounded, WellChild, Mayhew, Smartworks, Archewell, etc. deserve better than to suffer the wrath of the media and an apathetic public because their patrons simply will not shut up lol.

I guess my point is that they will be unfairly judged (regardless, but especially due to the way they’re handling things), and I think it would suit them better in the long run if they adopted a different strategy. I really sympathize with the fact that he feels frustrated with the narrative that has been manufactured but I really, really think the narrative will only get worse and worse as he continues to go on and on about how badly his life sucks, basically. Again, I don’t deny that he struggles - we all do, some more than others, especially when there are mental health issues - but the public, to me, simply does not care. My own therapist has told me to simply stop caring about the things that I discuss with him. Not to say that they’re not relevant, important, or worthy of discussion - they absolutely are - but his point is that you cannot change people and you are wasting your energy and struggling yourself because you want to change them so, so, so badly that you’re neglecting your own self care in the process. I hate that I do it to myself and I also hate that he appears to be doing it to himself. I’m sure a lot of this conversation has been brought up in his own therapy, and I’m no professional, but I’m doing my best to heed the advice of my own therapist - which is the opposite of what Harry is doing - and it’s done wonders for me, when I actually can do it.

If there’s anything I know from this whole thing, it’s that Harry is absolutely punching above his weight, love him as I may, and that he adores, adores, adores his wife. He has chosen her from the very second she came into his life and I couldn’t want anything more for him or from her. I’m not going to lie, I would have been in this thing for any wife that Harry chose, because I was here long before Meghan specifically came into his life. However, I am glad every day that he chose her, that he loves her, that he wants to protect her, that she loves him back, that he lives the life with her that he’s wanted as long as I (and I’m sure he) can remember. I love her because he loves her, and I would have no matter what, because at the end of the day, it’s his happiness and comfort that matters to me, that has mattered to me since I discovered him and how wonderful he can be more than 7 years ago. What more could I ask of Meghan? What more, as his fan to the end (annoy me as he may), could I want for him? Who could say anything about her in that regard? If there’s anything that has come of this mess, to me, it’s that Harry loves, loves, loves his wife. I will always be happy for him and I will always be proud of him for choosing her, even if I don’t always agree with the way he goes about it.

I’m looking forward to peace, too. I cannot wait for things to just die out, for them to work things out as a couple and as a family, and for everyone to move on. The family will still do their thing and the Sussexes can do theirs, but I cannot deal with this back and forth, tit for tat, petty nonsense anymore. They’re wonderful and flawed, like the rest of them (except Andrew), and I just hope that they can all come to some kind of agreement or terms that lets this die down. It’s exhausting for everyone - themselves included. If I’m this tired, I can only imagine how tired they all are.

Thanks for stopping by, and sorry for the essay (essays, these past 24 hours lol). I really appreciate your kindness in this message, your presence in my notifications (I do see them!), your nuanced perspective and like I said before, I really, really appreciate that you own it!

[punkscowardschampions]

Savannah & Jac

Savannah: 🙌 forced family time is cancelled 🙌 hallelujah Savannah: what are we doing? Jac: Celebrating that, obviously 😘 Jac: What excuse did you use and/or what's the sitch? Savannah: Give me a guest list because honestly does not need to turn into a downer as soon as Savannah: it was a great excuse though, taking a mental health moment Savannah: school has me INCREDIBLY stressed Jac: It should be ILLEGAL how hard they make us work, though, preach 👏 Jac: Is totally doesn't get it because she isn't in the top sets like us Jac: it 👏 is 👏 SO 👏 much 👏 more 👏 work 👏 Savannah: if her mother wasn't a teaching assistant, she'd be languishing in the bottom set Savannah: even she knows it Savannah: IMAGINE if she worked at ours Jac: Seriously, ugh, she's stressing me out rn actually Jac: some of us are trying to keep good skin over here, babe, please 😬😖 Jac: She would die, it'd be bad enough having your mum be a teacher, but a teaching assistant like... 🙈 I can't Savannah: you were GLOWING when I left you Savannah: what's she done now? Jac: ❤❤❤ Jac: this is why you CANNOT okay Jac: if we are partying, we need to have such a pamper sesh first, NO ONE but you can 👀 me like this, I swear Jac: it's so typical her Jac: like I love you but the drama, and she always makes it herself Jac: she's 💔 about that boy, the one that's friends with Xav? LIKE I'M SORRY, you didn't even LIKE him before but now he's NOT available to you, hmm 🤔 interesting 💅 Savannah: Baby girl I have got you, my auntie just got this shit imported that's like next level skincare Savannah: you'll look as beautiful to everyone else as you do to me Savannah: 🚫🚫 Is Savannah: I don't know what boy she means so he's obviously not all that important, my god Jac: 🙌 Come through Auntie!!! Jac: you are THE sweetest angel, like how did I even survive before you ??? Jac: 🙄 Serious! Jac: She's definitely mad I'm over it but like, we all have shit on our 🧠 and it's frankly way more important than this non-drama boy drama Jac: you weren't out there looking for sympathy and you're actually struggling, like, why can't she be more like you, and everyone else too, tbh 😘😘 Savannah: I'm religious about this one serum, you will be about ready to die seeing yourself afterwards Savannah: & so will everyone else we invite to this party Savannah: it's no wonder you're over it, she can't let a single thing go! The leggings incident being case in point, it happened such a long time ago Savannah: but she still has to be in my face about it Savannah: Like, sometimes depressed people are slightly thoughtless Savannah: let me live Jac: I'm SO here for this Jac: you wanna come over here? Jude is out and I can easily get rid of the others too Jac: FACTS Jac: you think she'd be more understanding Jac: someone who claims to have social anxiety, remember that too? Jac: WHERE THOUGH??? 😂 Jac: I'm so much quieter than her, like, it's such an excuse with her for when she embarrasses herself or doesn't want to do something Savannah: YES to everything! Savannah: & remember when she had too many shots at Laura's 15th Savannah: Say you think I'm faking it if that's what you think Savannah: I can't cry constantly, I don't look cute doing it Jac: You ALWAYS look cute and that's like all her issue Jac: it's really blatant Jac: babe, the insecurity, it's so sad 😥 Savannah: The last thing I want is for Ty to think that I'm upset because of him when he's the sweetest and the most understanding boo ever but that's clearly what she wants Savannah: he'd be so upset if he saw me cry Jac: ❤❤ such a good boy Jac: her jealousy is so out of control Jac: I wanna help her but how is lashing out at us, her ONLY friends, helpful? Jac: why should we, sometimes, honestly Savannah: every time I've suggested a work out, she shoots me down Savannah: I can't be any more helpful, it's really beneficial & you refuse to try Jac: it's pure laziness Jac: like you said, she'd be bottom everything if her mum didn't like DO her work for her Jac: 🙄 over it, like, lowkey don't even wanna invite her rn Savannah: we could have it at mine, you know what my family get like when there's too many people Savannah: it's not personal Isabelle, it's my mum's crazy acting up Jac: See if she's gonna pop off on your mum too, like Jac: Ugh, I dunno Jac: do we give her a chance to redeem herself? Savannah: The divorce hit hard, as well you know Is, that's why my auntie lives here Savannah: Ooh what kind of chance? Jac: She doesn't get anything about real life Jac: be lucky if her mammy and daddy let her come anyway 😏 Jac: I'm thinking, okay, don't judge me for this 🙊🙊🙊 Savannah: never Savannah: you're perfect Jac: love ❤❤ Jac: So, she's made her bed by acting all salty about this boy, yeah? So, for all this nonsense, I think she needs to invite Shane and let me have him Jac: because she can't POSSIBLY be into him really if she's still hung up on this other boy? Like, that's not fair Savannah: she would string him along but we're not letting her Savannah: There's no way Shane deserves that Savannah: he doesn't deserve you either because WHO could but if you want him Jac: and actually me and him have way better chats and so much more in common Savannah: he's told Ty endless amounts about how much he likes you, bear with, I'll show you Jac: He's really cute, right? Jac: 🤭 oh my god, babe Savannah: [a million screenshots that you don't deserve to have, get off your man's phone hoe] Jac: 1000% saving them Jac: she'll act so pressed but he wants me anyway, what are you gonna do? FORCE him? 🙄 girl, STOP 🛑 Savannah: ^^ 👏 Savannah: remember when she kept walking away from Aaron & he told her to stop & like TOUCHED her arm, she acted like he grabbed her or something Savannah: double standard there Jac: OMG yes Jac: like, I swear she wants to RUIN these boy's lives, who hurt her? 🤔 it's not cute, cannot deal with girls like that 🙅 Savannah: Let the boy speak Savannah: my dad left & I'm not taking it out on my boyfriend Jac: ^^ the immaturity Jac: we're out here trying to grow and heal and be the best versions of ourselves we can be Jac: and she just... 😑 I can't Savannah: she needs Jesus & we're closer to Buddhists 👌💅 Jac: Literally Jac: IMAGINE if I was still stuck with just her and Amelia Anderson, please Jac: actually saved me 🙏🙌😇❤ Savannah: Honey, NO I will not think about it Savannah: I swear you're my soulmate Jac: It's SO true Jac: no one else is on our level, I swear Jac: you just get it Savannah: who was I & what was I doing before I knew you? Savannah: it hurts my heart to even think about past me Jac: Me too 🥺 Jac: but no one is ever gonna fuck with you again, I swear Jac: least of all Is, that's that 👋 Savannah: now I am crying Savannah: I love you Jac: I love you too Jac: we're totally taking my dad's best 📷 and having a MOMENT Jac: the world has gotta see how good we look after our skincare vibes Savannah: everything I ordered during my midnight madness has arrived & there's a dress I'm giving to you Savannah: Shane will die Jac: You are the MOST generous, best best friend ever, I can't even Savannah: how do you want your make up because we can do barely there since you'll be 🌟✨ Savannah: or you can make a statement that you're ready to go all in for him and bring that effort Jac: What do you think? Savannah: You never have to go hard with your 😇 face Savannah: there's no flaws to hide Jac: 😚😚😚 okay then Jac: that's the mood Jac: like I'm not crazy 💕 on him, or anything but he's sweet, we could be cute Jac: not as cute as you and Ty, of course 😘 Savannah: You'll feel it when you feel it Savannah: if you forced it you'd be like Is Jac: 😱😱 NEVER Savannah: she's trying to start a conversation with me Savannah: I don't want this Jac: Oh my GOD Jac: and when does she ever Jac: bet she wants to bitch about me Savannah: Yeah totally Savannah: Who does she think I am? You're my everything Jac: You can see if she does though, play along Savannah: She's started unprompted! Savannah: 'What's Jac's problem with me? Why's she being like this' Savannah: Let me say hello Jac: Wow, like, where's the 'how are you?' but I'm the rude one 🤷 Savannah: Are you okay JJ? Savannah: this is so unnecessarily mean girl of her Jac: Like, I'm so unsurprised but Jac: what's my problem, why is it MY problem suddenly Savannah: ^^ Savannah: [screenshots screenshots screenshots lol] Savannah: she's the one with all the issues, look Jac: 🙄🙄 how much of this did you just say to my face, babe? Jac: if you can't then maybe you should keep it to yourself Savannah: I feel sad Jac: 😿 Jac: we can't let her ruin our night with whatever negativity she's trying to bring rn Savannah: if she's not bringing your boy to you I don't want her around me Savannah: she has to Jac: Like, seriously, do we even invite you? Jac: Ty knows Shane Jac: I was being a good friend and essentially asking for her blessing but why when it just gets thrown in my face like this Savannah: She doesn't deserve to be your friend Jac: It does feel that way 😟 Jac: just so glad I have you Savannah: It can be the 4 of us, you'll feel so much better Jac: I think so Jac: just not in that party mood now Savannah: I'm gonna pamper you & then Shane will too, that's the mood now Jac: 😍🙏 Jac: thank you so much Jac: that's what I need rn, forget her Savannah: She can cry all she wants, I'm not interested Savannah: we're gonna have the best time Jac: We always do Jac: especially when she's not there draining our energy Savannah: Come over whenever Savannah: Ty's got basketball & then he'll be standing in front of the mirror forever post shower taking selfies Savannah: if I wasn't so secure I'd be worried about the time he spends photographing his muscles Jac: his ❤ and 👀 are on 🔒 Jac: bless him Savannah: I can't imagine being with anyone else Savannah: if he leaves me I'll be joining my mum as a wreck who stays in bed constantly Jac: He never will Jac: he's not INSANE Savannah: am I too much? I feel like I have that gene Jac: Oh please Jac: he's rightly obsessed with you Jac: you're so gonna be together forever and get married and have all the cute babies Savannah: They would be the cutest Savannah: I hate not being from a big, close family like yours Savannah: I'm gonna make one Jac: Hey, you're my sister Jac: soulsisters, right, no matter what Savannah: Yes! Savannah: We're gonna be together forever too Savannah: & our babies will grow up as best friends Jac: That will be the best Jac: I wish we'd known each other from being babies too Jac: you were so sweet omg 🥺 Savannah: Shoutout to your dad for taking the perfect amount of pictures of how perfect you've always been Savannah: 👼🏻 Jac: Some of them are so cringe though 😒😂 Jac: thanks so much, dad 👌 Savannah: my dad's head has been ✂ out of all of ours Savannah: what could be more cringe? Savannah: my mum can literally never stop herself Jac: do you have any you managed to save? Savannah: I have some she didn't know were in my room Jac: that's good Jac: you could do something with them Jac: or, failing that ✂ her head out Savannah: Will you help me? Savannah: you're like the most artistic person I've ever met Jac: Of course I will Jac: we could make a frame out of 🌷 🌹 🌺 🌸 🌼 🌻 Savannah: OH Savannah: I love that Jac: Right? Kind of everything Jac: we could get one of those fake garlands to hang all our polaroids on too Savannah: 🥰 Savannah: this is why you're in top set for everything Jac: Awh, I just like beautiful things Jac: that's why we're best friends Savannah: you're SUCH a beautiful thing Savannah: I hope you know Jac: Thanks to you Jac: NEVER gonna let you forget ❤ Savannah: Do you need a lift? My auntie is asking because she loves you too Jac: 😭😭 family of 😇s Jac: yes please 😘 Savannah: 10 minutes, baby

[thatblondeperson]

I think the things that people forget to point out are:

Regardless of where she's been in her arc, Chloe has almost always treated Sabrina like crap and I think that gets overlooked way too often. Yes they've had good moments, but that doesn't excuse how Sabrina is completely under Chloe's shoe at all times.

Astruc has likely stopped answering people on twitter and blocking some of them because tbh, if I was a writer and I was getting harbored about one character 24/7, sometimes in harassing tones, I'd be over it to. Even if someone asked me a simple question at some point, one which I've already answered a million times. Like I don't always love the way he handles shit, but the way fans interact with creators these days is way too intense sometimes. Creators owe you specifically, nothing.

There's a simple solution if you are that unhealthily pissed off about a character you're unhealthily attached to, maybe cut back on the show a bit. I can't tell you how many people I've had to block in the tags just to filter out the unhinged rage over the tiniest things. My favorite are the people who say that Marinette and/or Adrien shouldn't even be in the show, or that they hate how heavily the show focuses on their romance and they're hoping they calm down with it. I don't know how to tell these people that maybe they should stop watching.

But I'm derailing here.

Chloe fans constantly note how this "shift" in Chloe's character was completely out of the blue, but as OP demonstrates, when you look at the arc so far from beginning to our current point, it's really not that out of the blue. Chloe has struggled constantly with establishing a solid moral compass. Even when she does do good, that doesn't mean she stops doing harm in other areas. Like it or not, she's self-sabotaged pretty often in the show. She was always going to be tempted by her bad habits, and until she made some severe changes in her civillian life, with her classmates, her father, her one constant friend, anything she did as Queen Bee wasn't going to stick.

People constantly note that Adrien and Marinette both have a lot of growing up to do, but the same can be said fof Chloe. Her compassion for others right now is conditional. A lot of those conditions are rooted in others doing whatever she wants or giving her whatever she wants. She's spoiled rotten, used to pushing others around, and not used to being told no. Ladybug noticed a danger in her holding the miraculous and took if away, and that set off the downward spiral we're seeing in Chloe now, which based on who she is fundamentally as a character, makes a LOT of sense.

I am fully tired of post after post on reddit with people going "so I asked Astruc about Chloe getting a redemption arc and he was really rude". Just stop. Stop. Creators are not here to cater to your every whim. I agree that Astruc should either not be so engaging with fans, or he needs to find a calmer way to engage, but it is also not ok to constantly harass creators day and night just because you think it's the worst shit ever. It's not good for them, it's not good for you, it's just ridiculous. Utterly ridiculous.

Queen Bee’s Damnation Arc

I’ve never seen the Miraculous Ladybug fandom quite this agitated before, and that’s saying something ‘cause I’ve been active in this fandom for over six years at this point and I’ve seen all sorts of controversies. But the Chloé discourse goes above and beyond: anti-Chloé folks are attacking pro-Chloé folks, pro-Chloé folks are attacking the show’s creators…it’s a mess.

So I’m gonna make a post breaking down Chloé’s character arc! That couldn’t possibly go wrong, right?

A couple notes here before I get started. I’m a screenwriter, and that’s the perspective I’m approaching this from. I’m not going to take a stance on what Chloé’s arc should be—I’m just breaking down what it currently is. And my goal here is to debunk the misconception that Chloé’s character development was erased at the end of season 3.

SPOILERS are present, up through Penalteam.

Here’s what’s happened so far in Chloé’s arc.

In Season 1, we learned Chloé’s status quo. She’s a jerk to basically everyone, she pushes around her father ANDRÉ to get her way, and she treats SABRINA like a servant. But at the same time, she admires LADYBUG and wants to be a hero like her, and she’s also friends with ADRIEN. So from her perspective, she has four potential allies at this point.

In Despair Bear, Chloé is challenged by ADRIEN, who suggests that if she keeps treating people terribly, he’ll have to stop being her friend. Chloé clearly doesn’t want to lose Adrien, so she actually makes an effort, even though she backslides at the end of the episode.

In Style Queen, we meet Chloé’s mother AUDREY, a fifth potential ally for Chloé. AUDREY mistreats both Chloé and ANDRÉ, and here the reason Chloé treats people horribly is because of an attempt to get into AUDREY’s good graces.

In Queen Wasp, Chloé gets a Miraculous, and she unsurprisingly abuses its power for her personal benefit, which HAWKMOTH capitalizes on. She’s taken down by LADYBUG, who takes back the Miraculous, showing Chloé that she can’t be a hero if she only uses her powers for personal gain.

In Malediktator, Queen Bee is given a second chance by LADYBUG, and this time she doesn’t exclusively serve her own interest—her selfish instincts are outweighed by her desire to be a hero.

In Miraculer, we see that Queen Bee is quite competent as a hero, almost winning a one-on-one fight with Mayura. Despite this, LADYBUG says she can’t ever give Chloé’s Miraculous back to her, because HAWKMOTH knows her identity. Chloé doesn’t believe this; she’s confident LADYBUG will give her the Miraculous again.

In Hearthunter, Chloé is manipulated by HAWKMOTH into losing that confidence, and she starts to see LADYBUG as keeping her away from her goal of being a hero. From this point onwards, HAWKMOTH is considered her ally, and LADYBUG��isn’t.

In Sole Crusher, Chloé thinks her goal of being a hero is now out of reach, and so her selfish instincts are no longer being overpowered, and she’s once again being horrible to people. With help from Zoé, ANDRÉ stops letting Chloé push him around as much as she used to.

In Queen Banana, Chloé gets in a fight with ADRIEN and cuts him off, bringing her down to one fewer ally—now, her only allies are SABRINA, AUDREY, and SHADOWMOTH. Additionally, because Vesperia now wields the Bee Miraculous, Chloé’s even further from her goal of being a hero. Now, she doesn’t just have to be a better person—she has to be better than Vesperia.

In Optigami, Chloé laughs at a joke made at AUDREY’s expense, and AUDREY cuts her off, once again bringing her down to one fewer ally.

In Penalteam, Chloé cuts off both of her remaining allies—namely, SHADOWMOTH and SABRINA. For a few moments, she has no allies left, until LILA decides to start taking advantage of that, asserting herself as the one person Chloé can still potentially trust.

Let’s break that down.

I’ve capitalized specific names in the synopsis because Chloé’s arc is defined by her allies. In season 1, she has four allies—André, Sabrina, Ladybug, and Adrien. Season 2 adds Audrey, and at the end of season 3 she switches out Ladybug for Hawkmoth. Then in season 4, she loses each of her allies one by one—first André, then Adrien, then Audrey, then Shadowmoth, and finally Sabrina.

So even from this alone, we can see that Chloé hasn’t reverted to her status quo of season 1. In season 1, she was comfortable, and in season 4, she’s spiraling, cutting ties left and right, and digging herself deeper and deeper into a hole. This is a very different status quo, because it’s not stable. Things can change dramatically at any moment, and almost certainly will.

And most importantly…Chloé’s character development as Queen Bee hasn’t been undone. Even when she was a hero, she still had her selfish and hostile instincts—she was just suppressing them in order to achieve her goal of being a hero. Once that goal seemed out of reach, she had no reason to suppress those instincts anymore. But that doesn’t mean those behaviors went away and came back—they were always there; she was just able to temporarily hold them down.

So why was Chloé written this way?

There’s one thing that I never see people recognizing in the Chloé discourse—Chloé’s character arc isn’t over. There are more seasons of the show planned, and those seasons will definitely have Chloé in them. Thomas Astruc’s goal in writing Chloé was never to write the specific section of her arc that we’ve seen so far—it was to write her entire arc. Obviously, I can’t know what that arc is going to end up being, but there are some things we can more clearly understand.

When figuring out a character’s role in a plot, there are three essential elements to consider—a goal is what a character wants, motivations are why they want it, and methods are how they go about trying to achieve it. Let’s break this down for Chloé:

Goal: Chloé wants to be popular, specifically by being a hero.

Motivations: Chloé grew up in an environment where her mother abused both her and her father, and she never learned how to be a good person, so she has very few allies. She sees how much people look up to Ladybug, and she wants that for herself.

Methods: Chloé’s willing to suppress her toxic instincts if it gets her towards her goal, but she never actually tries to unlearn those instincts.

Chloé’s methods of suppressing her toxic instincts weren’t sufficient to achieve her goal of being a hero, and so she abandoned those methods in favor of the new method of siding with Hawkmoth. When that didn’t work out either, she abandoned that approach and currently sees her goal as unachievable.

Of course, it’s clear what she actually does have to do in order to achieve her goal—she has to put in the effort to actually learn how to not be a terrible person. And there’s a clear metric for that: she has to give Ladybug a reason to give the Miraculous to her rather than to Vesperia. Until Chloé unlearns her toxic attitudes, Ladybug will always choose Vesperia over Queen Bee—and that’s where Vesperia fits into Chloé’s arc, and I suspect this is why Vesperia was added to the story in the first place.

There’s no way to know whether Chloé ever actually will manage to get to that point; there are lots of directions her arc can take from here. But this is what her arc’s about—when someone doesn’t know how to care about other people, it’s impossible for them to be a hero. That’s the moral, and that’s why she was written this way.