#tbh I’ve been thinking about the Akira ‘my room’ thing for a while

[lospassairport]

Thinking about tsc as usual but especially how it kind of makes it implicitly clear that while you Play As Akira and Tokio, you are not Them.

Like when the game calls akira’s room “my room” and the music is called “his room.” Not “Your Room,” HIS room. Or when Tokio seems to address the player directly in his chapters. When the game does stuff like that it’s kind of a little reminder that just because you’re playing the game doesn’t mean you actually have any control, which is also a big idea in tsc anyway.

You’re “controlling” the characters, but neither you nor they actually have any agency in the story. In fact, the times these guys actually DO have any control over their lives (the ends of their respective stories) specifically happen off-screen and outside of Any player control. And this disconnect lets the game pull some fun vagueness and ambiguity in other places too.

Anyway. Fun stuff to keep in mind especially with the other big tsc themes of “Truth” and “Reality” and so on + they take this even further in 25w so like. Yeah

[komatsunana]

My Ai Yazawa Reccomendation List

This is a list that I’ve actually been thinking about for a while now (like... years lmao). Basically just a few of my personal recommendations of series (only manga and webtoons this time around but I have a couple tv shows and anime that I also might rec in a second list if people like this one...) that people like me that are missing Yazawa’s work might enjoy.  The bulk of this list is for NANA, because that is her unfinished work, but I’ve got quite a few recs for her other series.

I don’t love all the series on this list (or even like tbh), but I can see where someone who likes a certain aspect of Yazawa’s work might enjoy the series more than me.   I didn’t include trigger warnings because it’s been a number of years since I read some of these series (and some I never finished) but feel free to ask me and I’ll do my best.

Obligatory recommendation that if you enjoy any of Yazawa’s series, you should give any of her series a try.  I think all of the series that  I’ve read by her are masterpieces in their own right and if you’re missing NANA (or any of her other works) you should definitely read the rest of her work because many of my own favorite aspects of Yazawa’s works are present in all of her work - like female friendship and continuous story lines (rather than episodic).

Feel free to add on with your owns recs... And tell me if you read any of these series!

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If you like the past/future mechanic of NANA with young adult characters and enjoy unveiling the mystery in Kagen no Tsuki  then give Piece by Ashihara Hinako a try.  The MC and her best friend have a good passing resemblance to Nana and Hachi, if Hachi were chubby but they have more than appearance in common with NANA’s leading ladies...  To say any more would be spoilers!  This series also marries some of the messy melodrama of RL with realism like NANA.

Summary: One day, Mizuho, a university student, receives news that her classmate in high school, Origuchi Haruka, passed away. Mizuho doesn't remember being best friends with Origuchi, but apparently, Origuchi told her mother that Mizuho was her best friend. And now, her mother wants Mizuho to help her find the boy Origuchi dated during high school. Mizuho told Origuchi's mother that Origuchi was a very plain girl, and she was never seen with a guy, but her mother told Mizuho that Origuchi got pregnant and had an abortion when she was in high school. Mizuho was shocked, but she still starts asking her other classmates in high school and following the traces Origuchi left behind.

Status: Complete

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If you liked Paradise Kiss for the portrayal of a bunch of odd-balls coming together to do something creative together and inspiring Yukari with their passion OR for Yukari’s struggle with her mother academic expectations then you might enjoy the webtoon Spirit Fingers by Han Kyoung Chal!

Summary:  What do you do if you're going on 18, totally awkward and lacking in self- confidence? You could just sit in your room all day and all night and study and wonder why you never get asked out…OR, if you’re Amy Song you could join up with the Spirit Fingers – the strangest, hippest, coolest (yet most welcoming) art club ever. But as Amy is about to learn, discovering your TRUE colors is about more than just painting.

Status: Complete, still being translated.  Best part is you can start reading the series completely LEGALLY here.  They changed the character’s first names to more western ones and it’s a bit behind the unofficial translations but I still recommend reading it legally.

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If you liked NANA because you liked how the Nanas had the same name and had all these other similarities, meeting under fateful circumstances but also wish they’d date then give Lonely Wolf, Lonely Sheep a try by Fuka Mizutani!

Summary:   Two women with the same name happens to meet each other when they're at the same hospital for the same injury. They want to become closer, but both must overcome their insecurities and self-loathing first.

Status: Complete

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If you like the past/future telling aspect of NANA with a large, fully-fleshed cast of characters who are all living their life check out Cheese in the Trap by Soonkki.  Sul is a very strong, no- nonsense MC but with plenty of charm with great friends.  Like NANA it’s easy to hate some of the more flawed characters but at the end of the day even the antagonists have complex reasons for being the way they are and aren’t just living to be an opposing force.

Summary:  Seol Hong is a hard-working student, who has returned to college after a long break. Jung Yu is a senior at the college known as Mr. Perfect. Seol feels like her life took a turn for the worse since she got involved with Jung. Is Jung intentionally turning Seol's life?

Status:  Ongoing... I think?  You can read the webtoon legally [here] and the translations are being posted weekly still at least.

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Do you like younger looking characters like Mikako and Miwako?  Do you like playboys like George as a male lead but wish he were a bit more earnest?  Did you like how Akira and Midori took their time getting to know and understand each other by the end of the series?  Do you just like how Yazawa emphasizes friendship in her work?  Here’s Lovely Everywhere by Ke Li for you.

Summary: Tong Danwei is a high school freshman with romantic dreams about the boy she is fated to meet. While on the way home from picking up groceries, she runs into a pretty boy, and that’s where our story begins. Will she find love in high school? And more importantly, will any boy be able to overlook the fact that although she is in high school, she still looks like an elementary student?? Follow along on Tong Danwei’s adventure of love and high school angst, with plenty of comedy thrown in to the mix.

Status: Complete  

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If you like the supernatural mystery aspect of Kagen no Tsuki starring younger characters with mysteriously dead-but-not-dead characters, then Route 225 might by a good series to try.  It’s by Shimura Takako & Fujino Chiya (Original Story).  You might know Shimura Takako from her other series like Wandering Son and Sweet Blue Flower, so you know she is great portraying emotional realism like Yazawa.

Summary: 14-year-old Eriko finds herself left in charge of her younger brother Daigo when their parents suddenly disappear one warm summer evening. Trapped in a world that is very much like their own save for the lack of their parents, Eriko and Daigo find themselves desperate for the return of the worrywart mother and apathetic father they never thought they'd miss so badly...

Status: Complete  

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If you liked NANA because you liked reading about a pair of women who are very different and yet are very good friends to the point where their friendship is more important to them than romantic relationships (even if they struggle to properly communicate this to each other) then try the short series Tomodachi no Hanashi by Kawahara Kazune (Story) and Yamakawa Aiji (Art).

Summary:  Eiko is something like a plain Jane and a doormat, while her best friend Moe is a head-turning beauty. Despite their differences, their friendship is as strong as ever.    Guys are always asking Moe out, but her answer is inevitable, "only if you promise to put Eiko before me."

Status: Complete 

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Did you like how Hachi from NANA kept losing her jobs?  And had no luck in love?  Do you prefer to read about young adult characters?  Even though we never talk about how funny Yazawa’s work is... was that something you really liked about her work? Dame na Watashi ni Koishite Kudasai by Nakahara Aya!  Hachi and Shibata aren’t exactly alike but they are both fun to read and get into the mindset of in a similar way.

Summary:   The unemployed Shibata Michiko is betting everything she has on her romance with a younger man—literally. In order to keep him happy, she deprives herself of the things she wants and buys him expensive clothing and accessories. Since she's flat out broke, she needs to find a job before she starves to death and loses her young love interest. However, Michiko discovers that the boy was never interested in her romantically. Depressed at being dumped and after a series of unsuccessful interviews, she bumps into Kurosawa—an intimidating former boss she used to dislike.

Status: Complete, with a spin-off

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If you’re interested in exploring Mikako’s feelings from Gokingo Monogatari when she dropped out of school then Cat Street might interest you.  Both MCs find themselves a group of friends and attend alternative high schools - though while Mikako’s is an art’s school, in Cat Street is more of a free school that seems to specialize in drop-outs and the like.

Summary:  The story centers around Keito Aoyama, a former famous child actress. Due to a childhood incident, she retired from her career early and withdrew from normal society. Now 16, she passes her days in boredom and without purpose. But one day she runs into a stranger who takes her to El Liston--a free school for high school students like herself, who don't have a place where they belong. Though hesitant at first, Keito decides to enter El Liston and subsequently, she begins a new stage in her life. With the help of her only remaining childhood friend, Taiyou, and her new classmates Rei, Momiji, and Kouichi, Keito slowly finds the courage to open up to others and to accept their support. Will Keito return to acting? Will she find true friends? Love?

Status: Complete

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If you want a series like NANA that is about adult women who are good friends and roommates as they balance their life with their career, love-lives, and friendship with each other try Tokyo Alice by Toriko Chiya.  Alternatively, if you were wondering what Hachi might look like if you reversed her obsession with love with her love of shopping... you’ve got Tokyo Alice’s MC (lol)

Summary:   Fu Arisugawa is a little worried there might be something wrong with her. She loves shopping above all else, using her money to buy designer and brand-name items to the exclusion of all else. But while her friends also enjoy shopping, they're all also on the hunt for love in one way or another – something that Fu finds she just isn't all that interested in. When her boss starts showing interest in her, will Fu figure it out? Or is she going to keep going in her shopping wonderland?

Status: Complete, also has a recent drama that you can watch with Prime TV!

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If what interested you most about NANA was it’s portrayal of the music industry of a new band and wanted more of that then try Beck by Sakuishi Harold.  Beck, like NANA, has an anime that while it doesn’t cover the entire series is worth watching or even having the soundtrack on as you read the series.

Summary:  Fourteen-year-old Yukio "Koyuki" Tanaka is a dispirited young boy with no goals in life. However, this all changes when Koyuki saves a strange-looking dog named Beck from being harassed by a group of local kids. The dog's owner, 16-year-old Ryuusuke "Ray" Minami, is an emerging guitarist and the former member of a popular rock band. After Koyuki meets Ray again in a diner, the older boy leads him to his former band's meeting place and dazzles Koyuki with his amazing guitar skills. Slowly becoming interested in the glamour of western rock culture, Koyuki decides to start playing the guitar while helping Ray achieve his dream of leading the ultimate rock band. Together with Ray's younger sister Maho and a few other members, the two boys launch their career into the world of rock by forming a band called BECK. Beck follows the group's struggles and successes as they spread their fame across Japan.

Status: Complete

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If you like how Yazawa writes her female “rival” characters as sympathetic and likable (even if not everything they do is likable) then you might enjoy Koda Momoko’s Heroine Shikkaku.  It’s about a girl who is shocked when she discovers she’s more like the bitchy villainess who bullies the sweet and pure heroine in shojo manga.

Summary:  This could be any girl. Imagine being a heroine of a love story. Hatori also believed that one day she would get married to her childhood friend, Rita. But that's not how the world works! This is a hilarious comedy that honestly paints a painful unrequited love story of this young girl!

Status: Complete

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If you want a short read like NANA, with two very different girls with the same name who tie their futures together then read the one-shot  Watashi to Watashi by Sahara Mizu.  Note that I’m only suggesting you read this specific one-shot, not any of the other one-shots contained in the collection this one is in... Actually I very much insist you don’t read the first one.  I highly recommend reading others’ of Sahara Mizu’s work if you enjoy this one because even if none of them are directly similar to any of Yazawa’s... the emotional complexity is.

Summary:   Two girls with the same name; one beautiful and athletic, the other awkward and shunned. But who’s the lucky one?

Status: Complete 

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If you like a series having 2 characters named Nana in NANA (even if their relationship with each other is... entirely different) and enjoy the format of Nana and Hachi continuing to address each other in inner monologues in the future where they haven’t seen each other for years or you just like messy, realistic relationships try We Were There by Obata Yuuki.

Summary:  The start of high school life. To the girls, that also meant the start of their love lives. For brand new first year student, Takahashi Nanami (Nana for short), it was no different... She happens to end up in the same class as the incredibly popular Yano Motoharu, who rumors say that two thirds of all the girls are guaranteed to fall in love with. But will that hold true for Nana, who says that if she had to choose between like or dislike, she'd say she dislikes him!?

Status: Complete

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What was your favorite thing about Tenshi Nanka Ja Nai?  Was it Akira struggling with his feelings for someone that married into his family?  Was it Midori and Mamirin’s friendship?  Try Omoi, Omoware, Furi, Furare by Sakisaka Io.  (Strobe Edge also by Sakisaka might also work for you).

Summary:  The story centers around Yuna and Akari who have two very different views of love: Yuna is someone who sees love as a dream and Akari is someone who is very realistic about her romance choices. Meanwhile, there are two boys, Kazuomi and Rio, who also have different views of love: Kazuomi's an airhead and doesn't understand the concept of love, while Rio grabs the opportunity when confessed to as long as the girl looks cute.

Status: Complete, being translated

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If you just like Yazawa’s work and want to read works by a close friend of hers...  Yoshizumi Wataru!  You might know her best from Marmalade Boy, but she also worked on quite a few josei works about young adults... Like Cappuccino (if you like moving on from a first serious relationship as we saw with Hachi and Shouji), but also Cherish and Spicy Pink.

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That’s all I got for now... But again... Let me know if you read any of these! Whether or not at my suggestion lol. And add on too! I’ve read or at least tried all of these myself so now I’m the one in need of recs lol.

[thats-what-sidhe-said]

Voltron Actor AU

This fic’s going to be a little meta and a little salty. (A little?) Though TBH, in the saltiest bits I wasn’t thinking of Voltron. (Fuck Blood Ties so much. So, so much.)

Previous part here. This is all super rough. I’m just kind of going with it.

---

It was two weeks later when Sanda, the showrunner, called the entire main cast in for a meeting. "I've just come from a meeting with the network!" she said exuberantly. The cast - Shiro, Keith, Allura, Lance, Pidge and Hunk - looked at each other.

"Are you sure?" Hunk asked carefully. "You don't usually look like that after you've talked to the network."

"I know," Sanda said. "But I've got excellent news. They have agreed to have a gay character on the show."

"Wow, that's great!" Shiro said, and the others agreed.

"I did have to make a few concessions," Sanda admitted.

"A gay character," Keith said warily.

Sanda nodded. "I'm sorry, Keith. Sven and Akira would make a good pairing, but the network's nervous. It'll be Sven. We'll introduce a romance with a new character and reveal his sexuality as a part of the story. Shiro, I assume this won't be a problem?"

"Not at all," Shiro said. "I'm proud to be a part of this. We're breaking new ground."

Keith nodded. He sank back in his chair and swallowed his disappointment. "Yeah, this is good," he said honestly. "It's great, Sanda. Thanks for fighting for us."

"I know how much this means to you," Sanda said. She took a deep breath. "Because of this, we're going to be making some changes in the upcoming season." She chuckled. "To be honest, we weren't expecting them to say yes so soon. But we'll roll with it. Like I said, the network wanted a few concessions. Keith, you're going to get the half-alien prince storyline."

"What?!" Lance yelled. He jumped to his feet. "That's mine! We've been teasing McClain as half-Altean for three seasons!"

"I know," Sanda said. She held his hands out placatingly. "It's not going to be a full swap. The half-Altean story will still happen, but we're pushing it to the following season. Akira will be revealed to be half-Galra, which will set up a great Romeo and Juliet romance between him and Princess Fala." She grinned winningly and took a careful step back.

"What?!" This time it was both Lance and Keith.

"Well, with Sven being confirmed as gay, the network wanted to make it clear that everyone else on the team was straight," Sanda said, the words tumbling quickly from her mouth.

"Oh, that's lovely." Keith folded his arms over his chest and scowled.

"You think Keith can pass for straight?" Lance scoffed.

"Better than you!" Keith snapped.

Lance leaned forward, his hands on the table. "Sanda, come on, my agent's putting me out for romcoms. I need to show my romantic side."

Keith rolled his eyes. "Just come out already."

"Oh, yeah," Lance said sarcastically. "Because I really want to spend two seasons doing off-Broadway zombie musicals."

Keith jumped up and leaned towards Lance. Allura sat between them, so they weren't quite face to face. "The fight choreographer was doing his last show before retirement. I asked for the time off because it was my one chance to work with him. Some of us care about the work, not our ranking on People's Sexiest Genre Stars."

"You're just jealous because you ranked below Wil Wheaton!" Lance snapped.

"All right!" Shiro rose to his feet and placed his hand on Keith's shoulder.

"Lance," Allura said. She rested one manicured hand over his. "I could use some work on my romantic image, too. Perhaps you and I could make some appearances together."

"Oh, yeah?" A small smile emerged out of Lance's scowl.

"Sure. I know of a little sushi place in Pasadena with a beautiful view. We could go, have a nice dinner, get caught by the paparazzi on our way out?"

"You think you could stand an evening with li'l ol' me?" Lance said, slowly sitting back down.

"Maybe more than one," Allura said.

"Two more seasons," Pidge groaned. "Hey, Sanda, wanna write me off the show?"

"Sorry, Pidge," Sanda smiled at her. "We're keeping Katie's big adventure. Hunk, we're going to explore your family a little." Hunk gave him a thumbs' up. "And Lance, we're going to come up with something amazing for McClain."

"I hope so," Lance said, the lines of his scowl reappearing.

"Look, all of you, this is big news and we want to control the story," Sanda said. She looked at Shiro. "Shiro, you're going to be asked a lot about your personal history, especially about your coming out. Your relationship with Keith will probably be a big point of discussion as well, since you're both on the show."

Shiro nodded. "I'll have our publicist talk to Bibobi and we can strategize." He looked at Keith who also nodded.

"Yeah," Keith said. "I'm all in. This is important."

"Good," Sanda said. "We're going to be pretty busy in the writer's room sorting this out, so Mitch will be directing the next episode. Be good to him."

"Always," Shiro said.

---

Keith drove home, his little BMW taking the curves of the hills at faster than the recommended speed. He had a sixth sense for hazards and always made it home safely.

"Do you want to eat anything?" Shiro asked, as they went up the stairs from the garage. They'd had dinner on the set, but that had been several hours ago.

"You cooking?" Keith gave him a tired smile.

"Sure," Shiro said. "I could make cereal, protein shakes, cold pizza-"

"I finished the pizza this morning," Keith said.

"Scratch the pizza then," Shiro said. "We could call for delivery?"

"Cereal's good," Keith said. He yawned and unlocked the front door. He heard the click of toenails on hardwood, approaching at full speed. Shiro took a neat step to the left and Keith took the full force of Kosmo's pounce. Keith's rescue dog was believed to be part Irish wolfhound, part malamute, and part prehistoric wolf. The vet disputed the last part, but Shiro was pretty confident about it. Keith was pinned on the floor, laughing, as he ruffled his dog's fur and Kosmo licked his face. Shiro had and Keith had lived together for most of Kosmo's life, but it had been Keith that found him as a young pup and brought him home and Kosmo hadn't forgotten.

"Come on, boy," Shiro said, slapping his hand against his thigh. "Let's get you some dinner." Kosmo followed Shiro to the kitchen and Keith had the chance to get up brush himself off. Shiro fed Kosmo from a bin of dog food in the pantry while Keith poured them bowls of cereal. They ate on the center island of the kitchen, sitting on barstools. "How are you feeling about the news today?" Shiro asked.

"It's great," Keith said. "It's good for the show, it's good for the LGBTQ community, and it's good for all-ages television."

Shiro hooked his ankle around Keith's, as if they were teenagers drinking milkshakes. "Come on."

Keith lowered his spoon and sighed. "It's selfish. It's just - I've always wanted to play opposite you in a big blockbuster movie. Not some indie pic where one of us dies, either. A real action-adventure with a romantic subplot."

"That'd be amazing," Shiro said. "But this isn't the end. We can still do that."

"Yeah, there's a lot of queer high-budget action movies." Keith sighed.

"Not yet," Shiro admitted. "But there will be. If they won't hire us, we'll start a production company."

"You have not looked at our budget recently, have you?" Keith said dryly.

"Okay, we're not there yet," Shiro said. "We'll get there. We're on the way up and this is going to be a big boost. To you, and to me, and to genre media. If parents can let their kids watch queer people at home, they'll let them see them at the movies."

"There's still the foreign market," Keith reminded him.

"A harder sell, but Deadpool proved you don't need China to be a success," Shiro said. He slid his arm around Keith's waist, pulled Keith against him, back to front, and rested his chin on his shoulder. "I'll get you your blockbuster," he said softly, against his ear. "I will save a hundred million dollars penny by penny, if I have to, but we will have our movie."

Keith rested against him and smiled. "I love you."

"I love you, too," Shiro said, and kissed his temple. "This'll give us a boost, I promise. I already told Coran and he's trading notes with Bibobi. He said he might be able to parlay this into a Vanity Fair profile."

"Vanity Fair? Off this?"

"Sure," Shiro said. "'Hollywood's Queer Power Couple - Breaking the Pink Ceiling Together.'"

"'Power Couple'?" Keith asked. 

"Fake it 'til you make it," Shiro said.

"Pink ceiling sounds like a feminist thing," Keith said.

Shiro grinned, his stubble brushing against Keith's ear. "We'll let Coran write the copy."

"Hey, Shiro?" Keith asked. His words had a little drag at the end, meaning he was reaching the end of his energy.

"Yeah, babe?"

"Can we get a Jackie Chan cameo in our movie?"

"Definitely," Shiro said.

"Get him to choreograph the fights?"

"James might get get jealous if we hire someone else."

"Not if it's Jackie Chan," Keith said.

"Point," Shiro said. He kissed Keith's temple. "I think we should get some sleep."

"Sleep," Keith yawned. "Okay."

They put the dishes in the dishwasher and went up to bed.

---

My AO3.

[alo-piss-trancy]

Hello, you have been identified as An Awesome Writer™! Congrats, you rock! So that all of your readers can shower you with some extra love today, please tell us your favorite five (or as many as you want) stories of yours and why you like them and then send this to another five fic authors you think deserve this title! ❤

Gee, I wonder who this could be from? c; (Thank you so much I love you!)

Okay so I’m doing seven because as you all know from my zillion ships and characters I’ve written for/screamed about, I’m incapable of picking a specific favourite lmao. But it’s still less than half my fics so it’s fine. Also none of these are ranked, I enjoyed them all equally tbh. (Forgive my lack of heart emojis RIP, I’m on desktop for this one)The Troubles Rain Can Bring (Pers/ona 5) : Of course I have to bring this one up, since it’s the one I consider my first legit omo fic (Jade was my first foray, but since it’s unfinished and I picked a dead fandom specifically so I had less chances of getting mean comments, I consider it more of a practice run). This was my first time writing for a very active and current fandom, so it was really intimidating, but I was also really excited to participate in creating for a game I was so passionate about! Also that fic was just a total labour of self-indulgence and love (excuse for fluff with my otp? combining all my fav tropes? Gratuitous Akira Suffering? Including the others for fun towards the end? I was in hog heaven!) While I definitely can find parts where I could improve the writing now, I still love it for all of the effort I put into it, and I got such a lovely response that made me feel really welcome on ao3, the omo tag on tumblr, and in the p/5 fandom! It’s kind of nostalgic for me, even if it was only written like a year and a half ago, haha.All Bottled Up (Dang/anRonpa: THH) : I’m just really proud of this fic, and I had so much fun writing it! I think it’s probably one of the few fics I’ve written that was a completely smooth ride of inspiration and fun from start to finish, without any hitches in the writing process or me getting bogged down with other projects. Seriously I think I hammered the entire thing out in like a week or two lmao. I love Naegiri so much, and the idea was a treat to work with even if it’s some of the most cliché omo scenarios, it was just a nice relaxing bit of indulgence! Also I got to dig into Kirigiri’s character, which I didn’t get to do in my other fic of her (since that one was so short and oddly styled). My favourite bit was probably getting to mess with the drawbacks of her gloves/hand injuries, and of course those fluffy bits with Naegi! Getting Your Feet Wet (Pers/ona 5) : This one, hoo boy. Definitely one of my longest fics, and while at the time when I posted it I kind of hated half the stuff in it (just because I had been nitpicking it for so long lmao), now that time has gone by I can genuinely say I love it and it’s probably one I’m proudest of. Not only was it my first full dive into snut (and I’d like to think it isn’t too shabby), but I got to work with a rarepair that I’ve been intrigued by, with two of my fav npcs from the game! So fun times all around! It was great to imagine how Sae might have changed and opened up since the game’s ending, and what Tae could do to help draw her out of that strict shell while still making her feel secure and comfortable. Also I got to include pet/p.lay which is something I’d been dying to write since I started that account, so bonus points for that! And I got a way better response than I was expecting, so that was nice!A Sinking Ship (Pers/ona 5) : ((Okay I swear I still plan to update the other half of this one someday soon, I literally have the draft halfway done I just haven’t been able to get it finished to the level I want.)) Anyways, I have a soft spot for this one because 1. It’s Makoto, and you all know how much I adore her, 2. I finally got to write some legit palace battling and shenanigans, which I really enjoyed and want to include more of in future projects, 3. I literally put so much detail into this one, from the setting descriptions to the dialogue and going out of my way to include the entire team interacting with her instead of just one or two chars, and I’m giving myself a fat pat on the back for that. And then throwing in actual anxiety and plot issues instead of just making her desperate for the sake of it, which may have been ambitious (hence why it’s kind of on a cliffhanger right now while I finish the comfort half), but I really just wanted her to have one of my best fics possible because Makoto deserves the best (of the worst suffering oops sorry bby). Also did I mention The Shumako Bridal Carry scene? That was absolutely necessary to include okay? Also there’s gonna be quality Shumako bonding in the second chapter so I’m biased to love this in advance. Basically I love this one specifically because it’s my own self-indulgent bullshit, which is kind of every fic I write but this is definitely one of The Most Indulgent. I also consider this one my very best omo fic in terms of the actual omo writing/content, even if it’s long AF, because at least you’re getting desperation and wetting for pretty much the entire thing, even when other stuff’s going on around it. So yeah I guess if you don’t mind a cliffhanger ending (for now) and have a decent knowledge of p/5, this is the one I recommend reading!Conundrums Lead to Collapse (Doc/tor Who - 13th Doc/tor) : I really liked writing this one because of the whump, actually. I rarely have excuses to injure characters for Even Worse Omo Suffering/Comfort, so the fact that I could write based on a canon injury was the perfect excuse! Also I’m just weak for the 13th Doctor so I’m always down for omo of her, but it was also a fun excuse to explore her character. We hadn’t gotten to see her angry or broken down at the time it aired, so I enjoyed getting to play around with how things affect her when she does finally lose the positive attitude and confidence, and bringing a character as powerful (and semi immortal I guess) as The Doctor to the floor was just a fun exercise. Also it’s kind of hard to find whump fics focused on female characters that don’t involve a certain kind of violence (or just female whump in general actually), so I just really enjoyed using all of the fandom tropes I’ve read over the years in those fics to create something for those of us who wanted it the other way around! I would also like to say this one gave me the excuse for Found Family Coddling, everyone comforts and helps her towards the end which is perfect for my fluff-craving heart after all of the angst.Holding More than Cards (Ka/kegurui Compulsive Gambler) : Oh boy, I’ll be honest the reason I love this is purely because it’s pretty much the only fic for this pairing that I’ve found for my tastes and I had to make it myself dang it (They basically had a whole two episodes where Midari creamed herself for Yumeko and they had that scene where they held each other’s faces staring into their eyes, HOW is no one jumping on this ship??? There’s literally 5 fics total on ao3 I’m not joking). I really enjoyed getting to dig into Midari’s characterization for this one, especially since I had such a tiny bit of canon to go off of and had to set it after the anime’s s1 developments. I got to write Yumeko being a dom and dropping her cheerful attitude too, which was really satisfying. Also while this doesn’t have full on snut in it, it was the closest I’d come at the time, so that was an interesting challenge. This was a rare chance to indulge in unhealthy ships too (bc literally every ship in that show is unhealthy on some level lmao) so that was entertaining to try and navigate.Capture the Fly with Nectar Sweet (The Ch/illing Adventures of Sabrin/a) : I just posted this one recently but I’m adding it anyways, because I had an absolute blast working on it. It’s so starkly different from anything I usually write, because you all know I love close friendships and found family and all that quality fluff and caring. But instead this one was me staring at my laptop thinking of how I want to tell this character to go to hell, except that would be pointless because that’s literally where she came from. I really got to stretch my wings outside my comfort zone and dig around in the dark, manipulative side for a while, and it was so much fun to study one of my favourite villains (anti-hero? she’s such a mysterious mess idk how to classify her) and her relationship with Sabrina. I also got to attempt writing desperation from the outsider’s perspective instead of the victim’s, and while I feel like I definitely still have room to improve with that, it was a nice break from the way I usually write my omo fics. I also got to shift around my writing style for this one, using words like ‘betwixt’ (which I love but never get to use lol) and using a bunch of metaphors and similes to showcase how Madam views Sabrina. This is probably the fic that makes it obvious that Language Arts was my favourite subject in school and that I’m Extra when it comes to predator/prey comparisons lmao. (Note: Please read the tags on this one, the Dead Dove: Do Not Eat warning applies here.)

I actually don’t know who else to send this to that I haven’t already, since like half the omo tag has vanished and I’m blanking on usernames, so if any of y'all are reading this post and you write fics: consider this me asking you to do it so I can hear about your fics! :D

[curestardust]

if you want: slice-of-life / realistic portrayal of wlw relationships with no fanservice 

We obviously know why I’m here. If something contains wlw, expect me to appear there sooner or later.

Aoi Hana is a pretty special series. Among all the shoujo ai series whose main draw is the fanservice and the fetishization of girl on girl action, Aoi Hana contains none of that. It’s a quite realistic take on the “genre”.

The way I’d describe this anime would be to say that it’s about “Fumi’s first love”. Our main cast consists of Fumi, a very timid and gentle girl who moves back to her hometown where she meets Akira (Aa-chan) with whom she used to be friends with as kids. Despite the expected premise, Aoi Hana isn’t a love story between these two. Fumi meets a girl called Sugimoto on her first day in her new school. They eventually start dating. The series is basically about Fumi’s personal growth throughout this relationship with multiple characters and their interjecting love interests keeping things even more interesting. I’d also like to mention that while wlw relationships are the focal point of the anime, Fumi is the only lesbian in the bunch. Two other main characters are bisexuals and we aren’t really given anything to figure out Aa-chan’s.

With the complicated relationship “drama” you’d expect Aoi Hana to be pretty spicy but it’s a slice-of-life through and through. The story advances at a very slow pace and focuses quite a bit on side-characters’ relationships, friendships and just general school life.

The technical side perfectly mirrors the anime’s pacing and general atmoshpere. The OST contains a lot of piano and various musical instruments and the OP/ED are both slow and soothing. The animation is very smooth and the art direction is quite interesting with the backgrounds only being drawn as if they were just sketched. The character designs are simple but distinct.

However, there’s a reason I said that this is about “Fumi’s FIRST love” as this is just a small piece of the actual story. The manga was unfinished at the time of this production and thus they decided to leave the ending SOMEWHAT open-ended. Not in a bad way as most of the story threads have been wrapped up but they left room for a potential sequel which I’d love to see so bad!”

Sidenote: compared to my review my score may seem low and that is because I may have appreciated how the series was handled, I’m really not a sucker for SOL and the pacing was way too slow for me personally. [7/10] (x)

Recommend: HELL Yeah! | Yes | Eh??? | Nope | This anime killed my parents

if you want: boobs and asses tbh / okay-ish beach volleyball matches

Harukana Recieve is a sports anime mixed with some slice-of-life. Which sport? Beach volleyball. And as I found out from watching this, that is apparently very different from normal volleyball.

The story starts out with Haruka, who moves in with her cousin Kanata. Now living near the ocean, Haruka obviously takes a trip down to check it out where she meets 2 girls playing beach volleyball. Later it turns out that Kanata has certain connections to the pair. This is the start of how Haruka gets her first taste of the sport which later leads to her pairing up with Kanata. A bit later we meet another pair, the Thomas twins, who get the other 2 to join the beach volleyball club at school.

Honestly, Harukana Recieve was quite boring to me. The slice-of-life between the matches felt really slow. They did give some character bulding moments to our characters, however this being a sports anime I think the same could’ve been achieved during or after some exciting matches. And while the anime tries to give some depth to our cast, for quite some time I could only think of them as the tropes they represent...cause of the fanservice.

I looked at a few pages of the manga and was surprised to see that the characters don’t look like they came out of a hentai which means that making their boobs 3 times the size of what they were in the manga was a conscious choice. The creators most likely thought that the story couldn’t carry the anime and instead they filled the empty spots with a lot of eyecandy. Boob jiggles, close up shots of their asses and of course weirdly small swimsuits, everything a salivating virgin would want and more!

Shortly about beach volleyball from what the anime told me: a team consists of 2 people. A pair can only touch the ball 3 times while it’s in their court before needing to send it over the net. This part was initially what I thought made the matches quite boring to watch as it really doesn’t offer much variety. The tactics were the exact same for a long while. Recieve the ball, second person goes up to the net and passes up the ball to be hit over, first person jumps up and hits ball over. Repeat. However, I took a look at some actual real life beach volleyball matches and I realized the problem. The camera work. In real life, the passing of the ball is incredibly fast paced. You barely have time to think, the ball is just flying all over the place. In the anime however, they often pan on the ball while it’s in the air or even slow down the camera after a hit, making the matches feel much more sluggish than they actually would be. This is made worse by the fact that they barely use any wider shots, mostly just close ups from a lot of weird angles, making it hard to discern how big the court actually is and following the ball’s trajectory is almost impossible, as sometimes the ball looks like it got launched into the stratosphere and then we pan to literally a few meters from the person who hit it.

Obviously, the lack of tactics used in the matches could be attributed to the fact that Haruka is new and she is slowly progressing. Which is realistic, but doesn’t make it any less boring. 

The final 3 episodes more or less consist of one match, which is the most exciting part of the whole thing. It still has the problems I pointed out above but as the 2 pairs are both more or less experienced, the fooling around is finally over and replaced by some actual tactical playing. It helps that the match also carries much more emotional weight than the ones before.

Well this ended up being hella long...if you just wanna look at boobs and asses go ahead tbh. If you want the beach volleyball part just watch the last 3 episodes. If you’re not interestested in either, then... [5/10] (x)

Recommend: HELL Yeah! | Yes | Eh??? | Nope | This anime killed my parents

if you want: beautiful presentation and nature scenes / some insight into diving /  iyashikei (healing slice-of-life anime) / peculiar charm

Amanchu! is a special case for me. I see it mentioned a lot that one of the most exciting points of the anime is that it’s made by the creator of Aria, which I’ve obviously heard of but haven’t seen yet. And while this would work great towards me not comparing it to a prior work of the mangaka, I still made a mistake by having preconceptions about what this anime would be like. 

My vague memory of the plot was that it was going to be about a diving club. Great! Basically another sports anime, which I’m fine with. However that wasn’t quite the case.

In the beginning, we’re introduced to Futaba (Teko) who moves into a new town, away from her dear friends. She is very shy and timid. Then at her new school she happens to meet a peculiar girl named Hikari (Pikari) who quickly befirends her and makes her join the diving club with her. The overarching plot of the anime is Teko’s change from a shy little girl into a much more mature young woman thtough Pikari, the diving club and the sport itself. 

That is, in the first half of the anime and then the last episode. However, there’s a pretty big chunk of Amanchu! where the diving barely gets mentioned in favour of some slice-of-life and character building episodes, some of which focus on the side characters; the other 2 members of the diving club, a twin sister and brother and the club manager who’s their teacher. Unfortunately, most of these episodes fell flat for me as they really aren’t...very interesting characters!

While my lack of enjoyment in most of Amanchu! could be chalked up to me being a bit sick of slice-of-life stuff thus making it hard to get invested in what was happening, there’s something else that can be a huge turn off for people which is the “comedy”. Whenever something that demands a reaction happens the characters’ heads turn into a circle and their faces kinda turn into an emoji (for examples look up ‘Amanchu faces’). All of them have a specific “emoji face”. This looks cute of course but the anime uses it SO OFTEN you sometimes feel like you see their normal faces less than their emoji faces. Characters also have certain “ticks” like Pikari constantly saying “upyo!”, Teko making this high pitched “eeeeeehhh??” and the twin sister kicking her brother in the back at basically every occasion. The “funny sibling abuse” trope I hate anyway but your opinion of these things I just listed could make or break the series. It could either annoy you to hell and back making it basically unbearable to watch or you can find it incredibly charming and entertaining. 

If you’re on of those many people who find it charming then Amanchu! will be a great iyashikei (healing anime) for you. The presentation is absolutely gorgeous with soft linework and a vivid but inintrusive colour palette. The background music consists of some very nice instrumental tracks. Of course, the anme shines especially during the diving and underwater moments while the slice-of-life episodes bring up some less serious but everyday questions. The enjoyment of small moments is a big part of Amanchu!.

This anime wasn’t really for me but I’m still giving it a quite weak 7 as I don’t think it deserves to be listed with some of my 6 rated anime that are objectively much worse. [7/10] (x)

Recommend: HELL Yeah! | Yes | Eh??? | Nope | This anime killed my parents

[alphasobek]

Crime Time (AU?)

I have no idea what I’m doing.. anyway

So for some silly reason I’ve decided to call the AU I presented last night as “Crime Time”

Mostly because It’s what I decided to call the Phantom Thieves in my current (third) playthrough AND because it has to deal with time looping and all that fun stuff.

I mean it’s never a bad idea to call something that is more definitely on the sad/angsty side something silly :L

Anyway I came up with some thoughts about it

[Persona 5 Spoilers Under Cut]

Firstly, some general ideas that I didn’t get to in that mess I called writing before

*** The question of whether Akira would mention any of the looping to Igor or the Twin is one I’ve mulled over a little bit. I don’t think he’d bring it up to Igor because he’s aware at this point WHO igor is.

Of course seeing as how I’ve presented it as Akira having gone through the loop too many times for him to keep count on it’s always possible but it might just be one of those things where even if he TRIED to talk to him about it something would prevent him.

The twins are a different story I think. Especially since you can encounter them outside of the velvet room. The problem with that is that fake-Igor is always aware of what’s happening.. although it’s implied that he can’t see into the place the twins create for their boss fight.

I haven’t thought much on their reaction if they ever were to find out or not tbh. But it’s safe to assume they might already have some suspicious considering Akira would show up to the velvet room with a clear knowledge of the process and a 100% complete compendium - complete with access to an incredibly powerful demon lord in the form of Akira’s Ultimate persona. Not to mention having immediate access to persona they KNOW are locked by confidant requirements (or however they view those).

You’ve also got the bookmark AND the cell key which I would suspect that they would pick up on even if Akira didn’t outright show them.

My general guess is that they would view him with an increased suspicion but perhaps also a sort of off kinship since they too are in a situation that they (eventually) find suspicious. The fact that Akira would immediately seem weary of their master - more-so then he would in his first go through anyway - would be telling the further along there relationship went with Akira.

*** Now in terms of everyone else I find myself leaning back onto the Higurashi method (now It’s been literal years since I even thought about that anime so forgive any mistakes I make in remembering but like.. anyway). That method being that occasionally people WILL remember things.

I mean the PERFECT example of moment that could be used in actual canon is the scene where Ann says something along the lines of “it feels like we’ve known each other forever”

Like come on - I bet each time Akira hears that conversation in this AU it would probably feel like a punch in the gut or otherwise mess with his head for a bit.

But in general it would probably manifest itself into Deja Vu moments. That or moments where characters will remember conversations or events that didn’t happen in the current loop. Of course since Akira isn’t present for all of the others lives he probably believes these moments are fewer then is actually the case.

*** Now the main reason behind the idea was to play off Akira’s need to belong.

Like this is mainly my headcanon type stuff here but bare with me a moment but I’m one of those people that don’t see Akira’s original home life being that great. I don’t really imagine any hardcore abuse or anything but more neglectful. Not to mention he doesn’t take great care of himself and while this is mentioned a few times in game it’s pretty much left at that. Of course you don’t need those kinds of parents to be that way but hey we all toss things from our own lives into these characters.. that’s partially what they’re for even. (it goes a bit deeper but this isn’t really a post about my akira parent’s headcanons so I’ll leave it there for now)

Either way I imagine him as someone who wasn’t used to people caring or anything really of the sort. So the PT group and all his confidants gave him something he never really had before and he has the mightiest need to protect that AND them.

Of course since this is a situation where Akira has gone through so many loops it’s possible to have his mind go to any real level it needs to. And this isn’t just me saving myself from locking in a characters mindset in case anyone actually reads this drivel and wants to add something to it. But I would imagine that depending on the events of the previous loop(s) it would defiantly effect his way of viewing everything. Eventually it would probably always taper out back to (or close to) his original feelings on the matter.

As I mentioned in the first post there were most definitely experimental loops. Loops that occurred after he was pushed to his limits of handling the whole thing. Probably some loops where he simply went mad and became Aketchi 2.0 or worse even. Those would probably only happen once (at least once in a long while) as they would be etched into his memory and I would imagine the loops after he recovered from his madness would be the loops where he was most protective or most ashamed and standoffish. Eventually though enough loops would pass that he would forgive himself or at least push the memories of his misgivings into the back of his mind

*** Also in the vein of experimental loops and the like - there are most certainly loops where he simply didn’t go through with it. It being the game as a whole. Like he simply never showed up to Leblanc and either wandered as far away as he could or (since he HAS to know tokyo like the back of his hand) just lived out the year as best he could.

Also probably a lot more loops then he’d ever care to admit were cut very short as he lost his composure and ended them himself.

Loops where, after becoming so fed up with everything, became “challenge” loops. Where he confined himself to one persona or gave himself other various handicaps just to give him something that wasn’t just the same thing over and over again.

Loops where team mates were confronted long before their time. Loops where he would sit in a booth at Leblanc after Sojiro had left and talked aimlessly to the bug he knew Futuaba was listening through. Loops where he’d find himself confronting Makoto about their principles way of handling things. Loops where he’d sit down with Morgana and, after explaining things Morgana was SURE he couldn’t have known, explaining what the pseudo cat really was.

Enough of these loops that he would have a rack of memories to guide him in his interactions with them.

He would often catch himself mentioning something that he probably shouldn’t know in this loop and having to quickly play damage control as skeptical eyes watched on. His personality let him get away with it most of the time though. He was Joker after all. Their leader.

So I’ve got a few other ideas that I’m thinking of but this is long enough for now. This IS my first time even trying something like this so I’m not really all that sure how it’s going or if it even has legs to stand on. It’s something that’s been stuck in my head enough to know that it wont go away too easily so why not at least try to share it, yeah?

Also - I’m not really sure how to go about it but I’ll be blunt on the matter I guess?

IF anyone IS interested in doing anything with this i obviously don’t own any trademarks or copyrights or anything so like go for it yo. If it inspires anyone though I’d love to talk about it more so please feel free to hit me up!

[katzirra]

Body, listen...

Your TMI fun facts of the day;

So the annoying thing about my brain and body on the sexual reactive front is sometimes body decides it’s gonna do what it wants, even though I am not comprehending, ingesting, nor processing, anything to make it react there.

“Whoops!! You feel that suddenly? No idea where it came from, but have fun with that!!” It’s in that same vein with minding my own business, not remotely thinking about anything, and suddenly my brain will be like “Hey man, you know what would be nice? Going down on a girl.” And I literally scream into the distance. That’s nice for two major reasons anyway; a healthy feeling of control, and man wow, girls are pretty and make pretty faces and sounds~

My personal favorite annoyance is how much I hate the I can’t actually get off, or attempt to, unless I’m in a relationship. I also have to pretty much feel allowed to get off to the idea of my partner too~ What a weird hang up!!

On top of that, if I have any concerns or worries in said relationship? I can’t in good conscious get myself off either. This is especially fun when I feel I’m more into my partner than they are me, which is easily 9/10 tbh?? It becomes like... I don’t know, man. It’s annoying. My ratio of want to get off versus get off is very small. It’s awful.

This essentially means [outside of a relationship] I have little to NO sex drive, and any time I have a spike on my radar of “Hey, I know it’s been a while but, uh, here’s that feeling... I think it’s called... being horny? Don’t quote me on that. But it’s your problem now.” I can’t even do anything about it, because I know I’ll get bored laying there trying to get anywhere, and get frustrated because I don’t meet an end.

It becomes “Go the fuck to bed and avoid it” - like brain can’t adhere to the ‘normal’ shit people do like read or watch stuff, lmao!! But in a relationship it becomes a weird spike event randomy at certain phrases or implied actions that my brain creates a response to, and it’s like “CHILL.” and usually I can’t do anything about it unless purposely provoked or tugged at anyway. Whoop.

Like I’ve actually tried looking into this, if there’s something this is at least CALLED? Or a reason FOR it? All I find is mm, hey I don’t get off with my partner - and it’s like nah dude, the issue is I can only get off when I have one. I’m just. It’s so irritating. The only thing I can think is if this falls on the demisexual scale somehow, because the emotional and such bond to someone - but I don’t know?? But It’s something I periodically look up because?? Why?? Like this?? I just wanna fucking get off some days without worrying about it, geez.

More often than not, I just want to know if this is just part of my attraction focus wheel, or if it’s something I might have mentally blocked out? But it’s not the latter I’m pretty sure, since I have no reason to block sexual ANYTHING out, but I’m just?? Why am I like this? I use to think I was probably asexual, like I had the urges now and then, but it wasn’t like on my list and a bunch of other things - but that’s not the case considering. Like if I have a legitimate emotional and physical attraction I am about it, it’s just that that’s prior to current, never been the situation.

Sexuality and self identification is a wild ride, kids.

Mm. In all honesty, since I’m on the subject anyway, the one person I ever had sex with I just wasn’t even really... there? It’s so strange to me to look back at things and tilt my head realizing how much I was not into K at all...? I was attracted to them aesthetically and some aspects of their personality, but even that I’m just... no, not really. I was used, and I wasn’t respected at all honestly. Nothing actually burns my inner fire more like knowing someone respects me or is proud of me? So a lack of it is just such a bucket of water on EVERYTHING.

Like, it’s so funny when I think of things that make me into someone, or things that are considered ‘turn ons’. There’s basic shit like neck bites and little bites period I love, and light scratching or like just being a little rough handsy period I guess? But then it’s like I THINK ABOUT THAT FUCKING KINK JOKE POST ABOUT “MY KINK IS FEELING APPRECIATED AND LOVED” and someone yelling I’M K*INKSHAMING. Because holy shit though like maybe it’s the leo ego thing with making me feel important?? But literally if I’m into you sexually, it is probably because there’s a mutual respect and I feel safe as well as I find you attractive?? And that’s the hilarious thing is that’s a reason I’m INTO someone?? Make me feel respected and wanted and important to you, and give any kind of little praise and I am le swoon and smitten~ Throw in some physical shit and I am but a WEAK woman completely at your mercy~

But like, that’s the thing. I had rough kisses and laughing during sex, which is what I love... you have to be able to have fun with your partner, I love having fun with a partner. I love a little roughhousing here and there at times - but it’s like... that wasn’t enough. The sex was... bad? Like I enjoy getting a girl off, it feels nice, it sooounds nice, and it looks nice~ I’m good at it, but like... getting me off is a chore if I’m not into it or you, and I know this from first hand experience? - I’m mad at this pun...

But at the time I had explained to them that it was difficult for me, and they insisted they could get me off, and it kinda just turned into me staring at the ceiling, and laughing because the insides of my thighs are way too sensitive and ticklish?? Also they just couldn’t stay on task and I have but the neediest little clit I guess.

But I would up getting bored, lying and just kinda being done lmao. I think I had a better time having phone sex, whoops~ That’s the other thing, is I have a heavy response to sounds and just... man. Played it up and I was just softly and harshly whispers, naaah..

I think the only nice experience sexually with them, was we woke up one morning and I can still feel the temperature of the room and see the colors through the windows and in the room... and just lazily kissing and getting eachother off. Too tired to think or respond really. That was the simplest and nicest thing I can think about the physical side of that weekend.

Like the more I ever reflect on that weekend, which is sadly kind of often because even any time I brush my teeth in my bathroom and catch my reflection? I can literally only think of them coming behind me, hugging me and saying my body was just their liking and... it sucks. Because like, that’s the nicest thing anyone has ever said about this body that I hate? I hate my body. I hate it from my boobs to my baby fat pooch I can’t get rid of, to my thighs I can’t do anything about no matter how much work I do. It’s not that I’m fat that I hate it. Fat is beautiful on people, I just don’t like looking this way for myself. This is not how I want to look. I can work with it and make it pretty, and I look BEAUTIFUL sometimes, but it’s not the body I want to be in.

But that comment haunts me, because I was 20lbs lighter than I am now, and I... that was the nicest thing I’d ever heard. So that memory flashes randomly sometimes and I just sort of freeze before shaking my head, because with it comes the whole weekend. That weekend was a nightmare. It was a mistake. I can’t believe I wasted my time and money. I can’t go back in time and change it but it’s just... fuck, dude.

It wasn’t even a good booty call, how terrible is that?

But it’s like...landing there and being WHISKED OFF~ I went to my first con, I went to an Akira exhibit even and wanted to cry... like I was so happy with the chance to see that stuff in PERSON. The Kaneda jacket, the stills, the large sketches, the POSTERS - it was the coolest thing. And there I was with K, who was cheating on their boyfriend at the time. And I was trying to act okay with this, because they were going to dump him. How much of a naive asshole did I have to be? But I mean, there’s more to this story than this so... mm.

But I went down there because I was asked to. Because we’d been ‘dating’ a month, and they’d last seen me two or three months prior. Apparently it was a booty call. A couple hundred miles away... booty call. I laugh now at times because I mean, at least I learned what I like in a bedroom setting or from kisses, but christ.

Like there were cute parts to the weekend, don’t get me wrong... but... mm. Like it’s so much bad stuff?? Or immature shit? Stuff that rubbed me wrong? I love Flo*ence and the Mac*ine but like I still kinda feel a chill up my spine when I hear one of her songs? I ignore it because nO ONE CAN TAKE MUSIC FROM ME. I WILL BECOME IMMUNE AND NUMB TO THE PAIN IN TIME but I just... K drank so fucking much... and DROVE US TO THE HOTEL YELLING THE LYRICS TO THIS SONG and I just remember feeling worried about what was wrong. All I ever do is what is asked of me, and I came there on their request to see me, I went along with everywhere they wanted to take me - I wound up asleep, feeling sick from nerves, them DRAPED behind me... and eventually wound up sitting on the side of the tub holding their hair as they got sick.

Reasons I don’t like margaritas. Too bitter. And they drank a pitcher alone pretty much. -soft hums-

I... just. It was weird. To feel wanted but not wanted. To have someone wash your hair in the shower and steal kisses in the store when you were mid sentence [which I also find adorable and laugh at and love] and... to find yourself not wanting them to touch you when you slept. Feeling odd being requested to cuddle up to them. I wasn’t... attached the way I thought I was? But I was scared to hurt them after a while because they... I mean... they SOBBED on me for five hours about going home. I spent my last day consoling someone when I should have probably been the sobbing one??

Everything is so estranged when I look back... I struggle in things now a days because everything they said to me and promised me. It’s all the ideal things you want to hear. I never imagined getting married before until it was asked of me if I’d ever thought about it. How pretty I’d be.

Just weird shit man. But this is the person who would tell me a year ago I was upset with them for not picking me, and jumping into another relationship? When I was upset because I was tired of trying to be normal friends and being flirted with because I was uncomfortable?

I was upset with being summoned for petting egos and getting emotional fulfillment from, and yet being brushed off and felt... weird even TALKING. I’m so thankful to Stephanie for making me see shit and giving me firepower to tell them to fuck off, because I just... don’t care anymore? I don’t care about them. I can’t imagine their face really even anymore.

I just don’t care. But I just vividly remember shit because that’s what I have to go off of for one, and for two? It’s so fucking strange to pull back and realize I... didnt’ love these people.

I didn’t love any of them beyond mistaking friendship and lineliness for love. And that makes me feel no better than them. Unconsciously using someone versus being used intentionally is different but in the end it’s the same and I just... I think that’s another part of why I’m really vocal about how I feel for Becca. Because it’s different feeling. It’s not just a need for being with someone or to not feel lonely. It’s not a need for anything.

Yes we fight and yes things aren’t always good with communicating but unlike everyone else she gave me the choice to speak up about things and she wants this to work out, and she doesn’t throw her hands up like it’s too much stress even though sometimes it fucking sure seems like it.

It’s different and that’s probably why I dwell on old things so much is because it makes me feel guilty for a second, but it kind of melts away into a weird sadness. Not melancholy but... it just aches a little for the wasted time and effort and emotions? Wasted energy caring abotu stuff I want to put so far behind me...

I respond different. I think different. I still withdraw out of fear, but that’s a reflex. You get punched so many times, you’re going to back away and be small when someone raises a voice. Mm.

CASUALLY MAKES A POST ABOUT BODY NEEDS TO NOT RANDOMLY BE WET FOR NO REASON, ENDS UP GOING ON ABOUT MY BODY IS A SEXUAL NIGHTMARE FOR ME, TOUCHES ON SO SOME DEEP SEEDED SHIT THAT BOTHERS ME, GOES INTO HOW I FEEL LIKE A BAD PERSON, WRAPS UP WITH MY GIRLFRIEND IS REALLY IMPORTANT AND I’M GAY.

FUCKING, KAT POSTS.