#tbfh i miss simpler times

[kaoarika]

Ugh. I’m tired. 

This might sound a little bit of an unpopular onion, but, I’m tired of weeding out or the idea of weeding out... nifty... creators or ppl that crossed that dark side. I, of course, do not approve what they are doing, nor do I support it (and I also believe the bubble might explode rather sooner than later giving the last few months’ thing of cry*pt0′s value dropping and speculation of an economic crisis/inflation in the upcoming months and year) but I’m getting quite freaking tired about, well, everything about it.

From both the positive side (like, wtf, my local newspaper has been normalizing the talk about it in a positive? trendy? light in the past few weeks) and the negative (which is where I stand, because objectively I do see it as a big pyramid/mlm scheme where rich ppl are the ones getting MORE freaking rich, as many, MANY others do, and I do feel quite sad and empty when I see ppl falling into it as if it’s an easy way to make money). It’s all becoming stomachache revolving to me.

Like... I’m kinda lucky that in the circle of ppl I’m friends with + I follow and the like, a great majority of it (ENG speaking folks) hate it with all their guts, and obviously don’t support it. On the other hand, I think other part of these same folks (which are from the side of the world -i.e. non-ENG speaking folks, or those whose their ENG is pretty limited- where the talk about the negatives about this whole thing hasn’t exploded as it did in the west, yet) are seemingly blissfully ignorant about what it is besides probably hearing buzzwords around and being told “wonderful” things about it whole (and/or thinking they are just another collectible as other physical or digital stuff). Do I feel these blissful ignorant folks are the next ones that would fall into this shitty rabbithole? Of course I do, even though I think there is ppl wanting to educate them as nicely as they can, all I see is MUCH MORE ppl screaming at each other with little success on that regards. And that... kinda tears me apart? because you don’t know how well ppl will react once they get explained the problematic issues that the nifty things involve in general more than “oh, this looks kinda cool? my fave artist has one of these/making them? how do I collect this? can I make money out of it?” that every single news outlet seem to paint these as.

Am I going to get strongly disappointed to see them fall into this? Of freaking course I do! But... there’s also a part of me that cannot trash them so easily JUST because of this? I also don’t want to get my torches and burn everything down just like that. I’m EXTREMELY tired of this “all or nothing” mentality, too.I mean, sure, it’s all a bad thing... but... it’s... I just feel... empty. Disappointed. And thinking about all of this is making me feel terribly bad, because I am somehow expecting it to happen (we are already living in a fucking dystopia, the pandemic hasn’t ended and things both locally and globally are looking as a freaking wasteland and probably will ruin us all... this whole thing that cry*t0 leeches are selling is certainly NOT helping, but there’s LOTS of bad things going on RIGHT NOW...), and I am not sure how well I would take it all. Thinking in the possibility some of my fave artists/celebs falling into this or endorsing it wants to make me CRY (I even got a nightmare related to it and was quite angry and sad about it?! because I believe it’s HIGHLY possible to happen?!). I agree this is ridiculous, but what else do you want me to tell you????

Scrolling through twitter accounts that are in the negative side of this whole is, certainly some kind of delight (because I DO want to see this whole thing CRASH AND BURN, and it’s SO CLOSE... yet SO FAR, at the same time)... but it’s doomscrolling through these is also becoming quite depressing to me, because you find out things you... simply cannot believe, yet totally do, because these cr*yp*t0 leeches are capable of IT. Heck, I just found out there are some snakes trying to sell the whole idea to kids fr them to make their own nifty things??? And they are coming from legit good sources that are enabling THIS. (I’m also inclining in the side that thinks that they “might” -yet TOTALLY ARE- exploiting other individuals who are really struggling with financial AND mental health issues like it’s none of their business and, sure, that is turning ALL RIGHT 😒). Like, SERIOUSLY? I’m baffled about how this has been turning on... I just... ._.

I just... I’m so fucking tired of all of this. 

I have enough with knowing and finding out even MORE of how my own country is falling apart in its own feet due to many, MANY things going on including one of the VERY bad fed gvnments I have seen in my 31 years of life  (I FUCKING HATE IT HERE), besides what our northern neighbors are ALSO going through... internationally... and...

...I’m... I’m trying to hold on being kind and on the little hope that this all might end one day... but at the cost of WHAT?!

I’m sorry that I don’t feel like the kind of person that would weed out any more creators falling into this stupid mlm scheme. I have gone through the luck that I don’t have seen much of it in my own circle. I do have... what, blocked total cr*yp*t0 leeches? insisting and talking like they are economics experts attempting to convince everyone and their grandmas that what their “tech” is the future, becoming too invasive in others ppl business, like (and spam bots, because, of fucking course, there are spam bots, too). I have seen other ppl doubling down and disowning their other creative ventures and basically murmuring to myself “good fucking riddance” because, what else you can do about that?

I don’t want to normalize it, either! But part of me is also going “at this rate, many are going to fall into it” and then, WHAT? I want to stop feeling terribad, with a knot in my stomach, or worrying about potential situations... I’m just extremely, extremely TIRED. 

[armillary-spheres-lover]

SP/so vs SO/sx

Not sure how much this can be generalized since it's only my personal experience. When I was a pre-teen my best friend used to be a so/sx 6w7, while I am 9w1 sp/so. Sp dom vs Sp blind... some stuff went down and it’s fascinating to analyze such differences to me (I feel like I'm fascinated by sp blinds in general wtf).

She was the V immature of the pair, throwing herself in any possible weird experience she could have just for the sake of it. She would always cause so much drama it was legit concerning and I always was on the sidelines, not participating and sometimes suggesting her to stop, but did she listen to me? Never, and also, in some ways, I think I did in fact understand her desire to feel alive and feel stuff and do dumb stuff, possibly in that I am sx-blind and I won't fucking allow myself to do that, while she totally did. I guess, I don't usually pay any mind to my sx-blindness but the only time that it kind of felt like I was missing on something was when I would spend time with her? And also now that I'm actually studying the instictual variants I guess I'm starting to realize it (but also not really there's a shit ton of work to do). She would always act as if she was the protagonist of some weird 19th romantic novel but, make it dumber (we were 11-12 after all, how smart could we be?).

I deeply, deeply understand her need and wish to be like a novel protagonist. I do think of myself in that way quite often. But while she did it by acting and getting actively involved in stuff, I’ve always done the same by hyper-interpreting my simpler, more boring experiences (9 basic bitch here, feeling attached to something while being withdrawn and out of touch with your body results in amazing fantasy sky castles). She was never satisfied by this.

If she wanted intensity, she would create it by idk, doing some dumb stuff she would for sure later regret. While she went on to feel so alive, I would stay in the back overthinking my more boring life. An example would be that while she actually acted so that everyone around us hated her and shunned her, I would simply feel and think I was being shunned as well, but in practice I would never do something that would elicit a strong reaction out of others. I basically fantasized about it. As you can tell her being a Social Dominant I guess she got the sx juice she wanted through social stuff (her reputation, going against the social system (social 6s often do that)).

In so many ways, if I were to simplify it, she was a mixture of Dorian Gray and Heathcliff and I was Des Esseintes. She was an edgier version of Dorian Gray, wanting to experience everything but make it dark and painful and tormented (a là Heathcliff), not once holding herself back. Des Esseintes, on the other hand, would also feel like a misfit and a tormented soul but he did so by staying inside his house and hyper-interpreting his experiences to an insane degree, until he basically starts to hallucinate. He barely goes outside of his home and when he does everything seems weird, scary, magical in its own way, and while a bit creepy that’s also part of being sx-blind I think? You secretly want that way of feeling alive via the dark things in life (not sure if my fixes have a part in this as idk other 9s may not relate to this maybe) but also you want to go about it safely (sp) and by not exposing yourself (9), so it becomes like wearing a pair of glasses that adds a layer of poetry and beauty and suffering to an otherwise normal, boring and inane reality (again, 9 fantasy shit). But that’s about it. It’s a magical pair of glasses that at times I feel like I can remove and put on at will when I’m bored and I feel like I want more out of life. Outsourcing sx if you will w/o ever acting on this shit. I relate to Des Esseintes even though he was possibly a sp 4 but whatever I guess...

My old friend, being sp-blind, of course did not feel the same need for “safety” and had nothing to hold her back, really... the 6w7 sp blind brings a lot of energy and a way to never be able to fucking stand still, so yeah... it was so fascinating to see her act that differently from me, but also empathizing with her desire to get MORE out of life and dive into the darker aspects of it. I guess that’s why I sticked with her even when I thought she was being unreasonable and annoyingly melodramatic. Most people would shun her and don’t get her ways and while I can’t say that I got her, I would at least sympathise with her wish to experience more and be dramatic, even if I couldn’t quite elaborate it at the time and I superficially thought she was being too immature (this is so funny, we were fucking 10 and we were already doing instictual stuff with me acting like the adult one idk. Also w1 may play a part in this shit. Me being sp dom felt like I was supposed to check on her but also I didn't really do it because it was fun to tag along with her dumb stuff). But while she had the courage(?) to act on such a wish, I did not - I never had it, and instead compensated by having an hyperactive mental landscape...

There was a Wilde’s quote that went like, “the artist always represents what they themselves cannot live and experience”, or whatever, and I’ve always related to it way too deeply, lmao. I would represent, think, imagine, write the stories, and instead she would actively live them. Also Wilde was a so/sx so I guess that means something

While I may be bitter, because even as a sx-blind I at times feel....... like I want to live and get involved in stuff more? also I guess 9s have a way to dissociate with their life quite easily so that doesn't help (a sx-blind 7 would probably feel like they're getting involved more). Plus possibly having a 5fix makes it worse? it kind of sucks tbfh. Like it feels I've been dissociated since I was 4 yo and never got back to actual earth wtf. 95x sp/so may be the most fucking boring thing on earth + it may bring a neurotic need to keep your little bubble untouched by real life and finding security in that bubble, to the point that you're actually missing out. Idk. I may *do* stuff to make me feel like I'm going around with people more but it doesn't really affect me that deeply so yeah... fuck all of this. It's not even the same as being stuck in your comfort zone? I guess it is but again I may at times challenge myself in some small ways and have new experiences but it's like nothing really reaches me idk.

Again, I usually prefer to go about stuff safely (aka not disrupting my little bubble too much), and in this way, I’ve always had way less regrets than her - so in this, I’m actually fine with my way of playing it safe. I like letting myself wear that pair of glasses when I feel like it and call it a day. I’ve always been content with very little...

Though honestly I’ve not been hanging out with her in years (at least 8 years, wow) and while I do hear from her I can’t say I can get to see how much she’s changed, lol

It was weird, you’d expect that with such a melodramatic friend the break up would be at least as dramatic, instead it has been quite the opposite - we simply slowly stopped reaching out to each other once we had nothing much in common anymore, and something else going on with our lives, lmao...

Also I mistyped her as a 4w3 in the past but it's so funny I got that little about the enneagram and IVs and somehow got her IV right at first try wtf I guess she's just that obvious