#tara's is also kind of as a fuck you to people who complain about high grade students freaking out about B's

[toastingpencils37]

Deadass going to take this opportunity to rant about some of my OC's and they're education. The majority of what I'm talking about takes place before Jes becomes the EM of Death, loses the majority of her family, & basically becomes a human (or Oni in her case) shield. And before she basically adopts Derek & Kiera into the family.

CW: Mentions & Implications of domestic violence, Child Neglect, Censorship, Homophobia, Sexism, Mentions of Violence & Gore, & Mentions of Culty Shit

The Domestic Violence & Child Neglect is mainly in Jes' & Kiera's parts, but implied in Tara's

Censorship is in Kiera's part

Homophobia is mainly in Kiera's part & Kristie's part

Sexism is in Jes & Kiera's parts

Mentions Violence & Gore is mainly Jes's part, with some implications in Kiera's

And Culty Shit is all in Kiera's

Also, it's a long ass post after the keep reading button. So have fun!

Derek (Jes' adoptive brother by a week): The genius child.

So, being the genius child, he is grades above kids his age, and goes to school with the older kids. However, at the schools he goes to, the kids are all assholes to him (especially while at middle school), especially because he's a "nerd". So, due to this, he lacks social skills at this point, and generally isolates himself

He is shown to get bored often in class, because despite being in higher grade levels, he's still finishing faster than the rest of the kids

At his school, there's a computer lab, but it's always closed for meetings.

Teachers try to avoid giving him digital work because he is known for getting bored and going on sites he shouldn't be on, like online games, to the point where he'll hack into the sites.

Teachers either hate him for being a nuisance or pity him for being alone, but don't ever really help him.

After certain events that lead to him both becoming one of Jes' teammates and her adoptive brother, he does start to gain social skills, due to finally being able to interact with kids his age.

After becoming Jes' brother, is basically told to just do his own thing as long as he makes tech (and hacks the government's bank account) for the resistance

Tara (Jes' biological older sister): The Gifted kid

At her old elementary school, Tara is the kids who always has the top scores of her grade & has her name plastered everywhere.

She's pretty popular, but not in the "oh let's crowd around her table" kind of way. Just the really smart name is everywhere kind of way.

The really good kid that never gets in trouble.

Is in multiple sports and extracurriculars.

Teachers love her

Kids use her for answers, but she doesn't really care right now

Eventually, around age 10 or 11, transfers to a new school for rich smart kids (though some of the kids are just there because their parent's paid for them to be). Tara is there due to her stepmom being a teacher there. This is the turning point in her academic career, where everything starts to go to shit.

Befriends Kristie.

No longer is the top of her grade, is struggling to keep all A's.

Starting to suffer from Gifted Kid Burnout, but can't stop working.

At some point gets a B in the middle of the year, freaks out, especially when she gets reprimanded for it.

Once she comes to this school, it's around the time Hazza'Dur was awakened in Shintaro, and he is in her head (She's the EM of Death at the time). He acts as a personification for intrusive thoughts, making her life even worse, because he'll tell her to do horrible shit when she so much as walks by someone.

Can't tell anyone about Hazza'Dur because her dad forbids it, both because she isn't allowed to reveal that their family is the EM Death line, and people will think she's crazy.

Due to Hazza'Dur & other reasons, her relationship with Kristie & Jes becomes very strained.

At age 15, due to societal changes and coup going on, is presumed dead (by Jes & everyone else) & education ends. Eventually dies some point before present time, probably killed by Jes (without Jes knowing)

Jes: The distracted child

Starts off school at the rich private school due to her stepmom being a teacher there

Is very distracted, gets in trouble often.

While drawing in kindergarden & 1st grade, gets in trouble often due to putting "unnecessary" colors that she associates with certain objects & emotions. Especially gets in trouble when she puts the "wrong" colors for certain emotions.

Teachers hate her, majority of kids like her. There is one TA that actually likes her and says she's a sweet kid who'd pretty smart, but's just unmotivated.

Teachers always pair her with the nerds, then make damn sure to pick on the pair for answers everytime. (Teachers, piece of advice, this shit doesn't work)

Never has straight A's

Lack of motivation, even in subjects she likes, like History & Literature. Can research a shit ton about these topics at home, but when it's assigned in class, she just can't pay attention

Horrible at math.

When she needs help and asks any of her parents, always either gets yelled at or ignored, so she just stops bothering. Instead, she goes to Tara, but she even starts to do this less often when Tara starts to become snappy due to all the stress with school & Hazza'Dur.

Once, gets a B in math, where she usually gets Cs, but when she shows it to her parents, they just tell her to next time get an A like her sister. Jes stops trying in math after that.

Once has a history project that Jes gets really interested in & goes all out. She is with her biological mom for the week. Her mom tells her that if Jes misses something in the shopping run, she'll have to pay for it with her own money. The day before the project's due, Jes has it all completed, but due to her mom having a tantrum, it gets destroyed. After the fact, her mom asks her why she got an F on the assignment, to which Jes doesn't really answer. Causes Jes to lose more motivation in school. TA talks about how Jes was actually interested in this assignment, and how it's strange that she showed up to school with nothing. Suggests looking into her home life, which is ignored by Admin.

There's an occasion where a boy hits her, so she hits back, causing a fight. Later, she gets taken to the principal's office, where she gets reprimanded. Gets lectured about how when boys hit girls it's because they like them. This confuses Jes, making her spiral & panic about how her hitting him made her claim she liked him (which in fact, she doesn't. At all). Is told by principal that that's absurd, to which Jes is relieved because she thinks she declined said feelings. Principal gets pissed at her because a girl should never hit a boy, especially if he likes her. She should put him down nicely. Boy doesn't get in trouble whatsoever

Jes hates said boy, thinks he's a jerk (which he is)

At times "beefs" with other students (it's really just stupid arguments about stupid stuff, like what food's better), but the moment jerkface opens his mouth, a whole ass argument starts. She normally gets in trouble for this, jerk gets no consequences.

Occasions where she is slapped on wrist with ruler. (Because apparently there are actually private schools where teachers are allowed to hit kids)

After death of majority of family & becoming EM of Death, education continues, but is kind of weird because of her new job.

Avoids school to the point where she'd rather go on the battlefield & get stabbed than sit at a desk & work.

Kiera (Jes' adoptive younger sister): Homeschooled child

So Kiera is adopted by a cult, but cultiness aside, the members are supposed to mirror those of "good" Christians who are just hateful bigots.

Is homeschooled, & is taught what is deemed ok for children. This means no lessons about sexuality, history where governments fucked up, and other shit.

Is taught that women should be ladylike, & especially that they shouldn't like cars.

Is taught that women shouldn't wear makeup, because it's "vain".

Taught that the cult knows best (even though the cult literally uses her silk for their sacrifices, and get pissed at her when she takes too long, proceeding to rip her silk out, damaging the area her silk comes from)

Taught that women are the breadmakers & men are the breadwinners

"We don't want to hear about that LGBTQ nonsense"

Technology is very censored, only able to watch certain shows and read certain books. But FSM forbid you read to many, especially "manly" books, because you're a lady.

Is the hated child of the family (Was basically only adopted by them because they needed a pre-adolescent Oni for their silk, and someone had to watch over the kid, so the cult leader gets to deal with her. Plus there's the fact that the leader is both the Police Chief of the big city - that's not Ninjago, it's a different continent - & the murderer of Kiera's biological parents)

Asks too many damn questions for adoptive mom & dad's liking.

Once she gets taken away from the cult (& Jes kills the cult leader), gets a proper education, and is taken under Derek's wing.

Kristie (Tara's friend): The nice popular girl

Is really smart, but isn't pressured to always get all A's by dads. Instead is told to do what she is genuinely interested in.

Is the popular kid, but is very friendly with everyone & isn't a bitch like media likes to do with popular girls

Is in Leadership class.

Most kids don't care that she has 2 dads, but some do, & Kristie is willing to get into arguments with them

Gets expelled due to setting up a walkout about dresscode.

After coup & societal changes, is still able to pursue education normally, just at a different school.

[420themanbehindtheslaughter69]

Found Diary...

This is 100% based on a TikTok I legit just saw by yoongi.xd so full credit to them for the idea :)

R/F/N = Random Female Name R/M/N = Random Male Name

Pairing: Yoongi x Reader

Genre: Fluff, angst(?), lemon(not really)

Au: Non-Idol au, High School au, Gender neutral! Reader, it's 2019, Yoongi is 17

Song: Bubblegum Bitch by Marina and the Diamonds

Word Count

Warnings: swearing,

Pov: alternating

POV - Y/n's First Person

High school... I hate it. I've always hated it. I feared going into high school since I was little. The only reason why I had any bit of motivation is that I got to see my best friend Yoongi.

Min Yoongi. The introvert who can do literally anything. It's crazy. I don't know how we ended up becoming friends, but we did. He's always been a tough cookie and had a hard exterior. Though it didn't take long for me to break into it.

It apparently took less amount of time for this bitch named R/f/n. They met about two months ago, and they're already sucking faces.

Which is what's happening right now.

"Can you guys like not to do that while I'm trying to eat?" I look at Yoongi and R/f/n and they pull away.

"No." R/f/n scoffs trying to pull Yoongi back in for a... I can't even call it a kiss. "No, R/f/n, it's okay. We can continue later, Okay?" R/f/n pouts and nods her head, making me fake a gag.

"Okay, Yoongi-Baby. I should probably get going then. I love you." She stands up giving him another kiss. "I love you too, R/f/n." They wave to each other and she exits the cafeteria.

"Fucking finally. I thought that you'd be stuck there forever." My comment makes Yoongi chuckle. "Yeah, she's really touchy. It's okay though. I like her a lot." He looks down with a shy smile on his face.

"Yeah, I know you like her a lot. And I'm so happy that you've finally found someone that makes you happy." He looks up at me and I smile at him. "What do you mean? You make me happy? You're my friend." The legendary words that make any fool break.

Being friends with him is great and all but I think I would prefer to be more. "You know what I mean, Yoongi. We're friends, not lovers. She makes you happy in a romantic way." I stick my spoon in the pudding of my school lunch and stir it around before deciding that there is no way in Hell am I going to eat it.

"Thank god you're not about to eat that. I probably would've thrown up if you did." Yoongi says chuckling before drinking the chocolate milk in a cardboard box. "It's chunky." He continues after setting the milk down.

I look at the pudding and pull a face of disgust. "Yeah, it's very chunky." I throw the spoon on the tray and look over at the clock on the wall. "We have 10 minutes to get to class... Do you wanna start heading there now?" Yoongi nods and we both stand up and throw our shit away.

As we exit the Cafeteria, this stupid fucking bitch, R/m/n, throws a basketball at me. I hate guys. "Yo Yoongi! You gonna play later? Also sorry..." He stops for a moment and looks at me. "You." He then looks back at Yoongi.

"Nah, I promised Y/n that I'd help them with their homework." R/m/n nods and walks away. I completely forgot that I had asked him to help me.

"Thank fucking god it's Friday. I literally don't wanna have to deal with these fuckers for much longer." Yoongi says wrapping his arm around my shoulder.

~ After School~

"Do you really need help? It seems as if you just wanted to hang out?" Yoongi drops the notebook onto his bed and looking at me. Obviously, I lied. I look away in shame, and he chuckles. "If you wanted to hang out, you could've just asked. We're friends after all."

"But it seems as if we've been so distant." He lets out a long sigh and he rubs his eyes.

"Is this about R/f/n?" Yoongi raises his voice a little bit, making me jump.

"No, it isn't about R/f/n. I mean it kind of is bu-" Yoongi lets out a long irritated sigh.

"Why do you hate her so much? What the fuck did she do to you?" He yells at me.

"I never said I hated her!" Even though I do despise her, I would never admit that, especially to Yoongi. "What the fuck is your problem? Why are you getting so mad at me?" Suddenly, I'm angry. All I wanted was to hang out with Yoongi outside of school after what seems like the first time in months, and he's getting angry with me for no reason? Oh hell no.

"Recently all you've been doing is complaining about the fact that we're never with each other, but you're forgetting that we literally go to the same school and that we have most of the same classes! It's so fucking annoying!" I'm furious now. I stand up and start packing up my stuff with tears in my eyes.

I'm not crying because I'm sad, I'm crying because I'm angry. I run out of his room and get my shoes on at his door. "Y/n... I didn't mean to-" He calmly states as he stands at the top of the stairs.

"No. Fuck you Min Yoongi." I finally walk out of his house wanting nothing more than to lay in my bed. I want nothing more than to be at home, in my own room, with my headphones in, curled up under my blankets. I stomp down the street speedily, I turn around and see Yoongi standing outside his house.

"Yeah... fuck you Min Yoongi," I mutter looking forward again.

~

Lunchtime... It used to be my favourite subject in school because that's when I got to see Yoongi. It's been about a week since our fight. It was such a silly fight as well. I also haven't felt like eating out in public, so I haven't been buying any lunch.

Yoongi seems happy. He's been with the basketball players, their girlfriends, and R/f/n. He's acting as if nothing happened, as if he didn't freak out at me. I only have two other friends other than him, and one of them, Tara, doesn't have the same lunch as me.

"Hello~ Earth to Y/n!" Tommy says, waving his hand in front of my face. Tommy and Tara are twins, and they both happen to my two other friends. Convenient, I know. "You've been staring at Yoongi for the past ten minutes." Tommy continues before taking a big bite of his sandwich.

A sandwich that includes turkey, bologna, provolone cheese, mayo, and tofurkey. For some reason, he likes the smokey flavour of the fake meat mixed with the real meat. "Yeah, I'm aware I've been staring at him." I roll my eyes, playfully making Tommy laugh.

Tommy. Twin brother of Tara. Both are seventeen and from America. He has messy brown hair and greenish-brown eyes that look green in the right lighting, and in another lighting, looks brown. Cheap warm-tones cafeteria lighting makes his eyes the in-between colour of hazel. He has pale skin with natural red cheeks, along with freckles across his nose. He's not unattractive but he's definitely not on most people's level of beauty.

"How are you after the fight?" He says nonchalantly, peeling the crust off of part of the sandwich he's about to bite into.

"I wouldn't necessarily call it a fight. More of a 'he flipped and I didn't wanna deal with it' situation." I pick at my nails anxiously. I don't wanna talk about this. Tara knows that, but I guess she didn't tell Tommy.

"Yeah... Right." He says squinting his eyes at me to show he doesn't fully believe me. "Anyway, you wanna hang out after school? My biological dad sent a new video game if you wanna try it with me." I look at him with wide eyes, making him chuckle a little.

"Fuck yeah! What time?" He stops and thinks for a moment.

"Four-Thirty? I have theatre club after school."

I also have stuff after school to do. Not like a club, I mean I guess you can call it that, but I just go and chill out in the Library, reading a book with a group of other students. It's not a club where you have to sign up to be in, but more of a free-range. It's fun and relaxing, especially since I don't have to talk to anyone there unless the leader really wants us to, which she's an introvert and doesn't want to.

~

Alas, the school day is over. It's two-fifteen, the bell has rung indicating that we can now leave, but I head over to the library. Oh, I'm the first one here. I take a deep breath as I sit in the comfortable cushioned rocking chair in the corner of the Library. This area is very isolated, which is why we sit over here. It's quiet and away from other students who are wanting to come in here and study or something.

Though it's isolated, in the seat I am in, I have the perfect view of the door, which is open from Seven-thirty to two-fifteen, and then after, the Librarian, Mr Kim, who isn't too much older than us, closes the door but it remains unlocked.

It's now two-thirty, most of the kids that usually show up are here reading their books, there are a few new students who just wanted an escape, and-

"Ayo Yoongi pass the ball!" I look over at the door and see a dude, I recognize as R/m/n catching the brownish-red ball from a shorter boy with dark hair, I can obviously notice is Yoongi, especially since R/m/n called his name. I whine slightly as I slump into my chair. I hear the girls who are misogynistic for their boyfriend's validation giggle as they watch the guys.

Please God... don't let them see me.

Luckily they didn't, and I continue reading until I finish the book. Then I packed up my stuff and decided that it was better off that I leave early.

POV- Yoongi's First Person

"Hey, Yoongi~" R/f/b comes strutting over with her friends with a notebook in her hand. That looks like Y/n's notebook... she never let anyone touch it.

"I found Y/n's diary." She smiles mischievously.

"Let's read it!" R/m/n says, and the others agree. "But Yoongi should be the one to read it." R/f/n rolls her eyes before handing it to me.

I don't really wanna have to do this...

"Dear Diary, I will be writing all of my important accomplishments or just important things in general here. So starting with today, we have a new kid. He's really cute, I'm afraid to talk to him though."

"Boring! Skip forward!" One of R/f/n friends say. I nod and skip a few pages. October tenth two-thousand thirteen... that's when Y/n and I met.

"Today is October 10, 2013. Oh, dear Diary, I met a boy. He made my dull heart light up with joy. He's shy and kind of mean, but I think I can become his friend. I'm gonna keep trying."  Oh god... I continue reading every few pages until the most recent...

"Dear Diary... we fell apart. He yelled at me and called me annoying. I had lied to him, saying I needed help with homework, when in reality, I just wanted to be with him. I wanted to be with him outside of school, with no interruptions from his basketball friends who always push me around when he's not there, with no interruptions from his snobby girlfriend to told me to go kill myself and to stay away from him. Just him and I. But when he noticed that I didn't actually need help, he flipped. I don't know what I did wrong... maybe it was because I kept it a secret that his friends are so shitty. At least I still have Tommy and Tara. They're the only ones I need. Oh, who am I kidding? I miss him so much. I love him." My heart stops as I continue reading. I look up at the people around me who just stare at me awkwardly and apologetically.

"Did you guys really do that to them?" I take them not answering as a yes. I look down at my watch to see it only just hit four o'clock. I have to go see y/n...

I put their diary in my bag and swing it over my shoulder before running out of the library. Everything seems to have turned in slow motion. My heart is pounding My friends are yelling after me, but all I want is to see y/n. I want to see their beautiful smile again. They like me... They like me. I was so blind to notice, but now I think about it, it was so obvious. I smile while running as I think about all the moments I have had with Y/n.

I finally arrived at Y/n's house, I'm out of breath and my legs sting. I walk up to the front door...

POV- Y/n's First Person

It's currently Four twenty-five, so I should probably start heading out to Tommy and Tara's house. Just as I open the door, I am greeted by someone I really don't wanna see. Yoongi.

"Y/n..." He lets out a long sigh and a small smile. "I'm so sorry. I fucked up. I don't even know why I freaked out as I did." I just stand there. I don't know what to say to him. I miss him... I miss being with him. I open my mouth to say something, but my mouth is dry and I can't say anything. Yoongi steps closer. My heart pounds out of my chest. His hand makes contact with my hip hand and...

The world around us has stopped. Nothing else is important. Min Yoongi is standing in my doorway kissing me. His single hand on my waist, slides around to my back, pulling me closer. We can't...

I push him away. "Yoongi..." I whisper. I didn't mean for it to come out so quietly, but with how nervous I am I can't help it. I want to kiss him. I've always wanted to... but now that it's actually happening-

"Y/n... I love you. I love you so much. I'm so sorry... please I need you back in my life... I never realized your feelings for me until just recently, and because I finally realized, that made me rethink everything. I never truly liked R/f/n... I never felt the way I do when I'm with you. You make me happy." He pants, pulling me toward my living room couch. I comply and sit next to him.

"Yoongi... I really like you. I always have. But you never liked me, why has that suddenly changed?" I want to cry. I feel so overwhelmed by everything. He shrugs before placing his hand on my cheek.

"Can I kiss you again... please?" I don't even care anymore. I nod and he pulls me towards him. His soft upturned lips make contact with mine. I move his silky hands from my cheek to my waist, and I hold onto his face. Yoongi's tongue tries to enter my mouth, but I allow it. I suck on his tongue as his lips are still pressed to mine.

Knock Knock Knock Knock

We pull away quickly. He laughs at the string of spit connecting us before I stand up and go over to the door.

"Hey, Tommy."

"It's five o'clock... is everything okay?" I look at my phone and my eyes widen. Has it really been thirty minutes since Yoongi got here?

"Yeah everything's fine, I'll be over in a minute though, okay? I might need to even wait until my mom gets home so she can drive me over since it's getting dark." Tommy nods and smiles. He waves and walks away, so I quickly shut the door and walk back over to Yoongi. "My room, now," I say softly and we both run up the stairs and into my room.

It's been a while since he's been in my room. I never told her, but my mom knew I liked Yoongi and as much as she trusted him, she felt afraid that he would do something.

Yoongi tackles me onto my bed after locking my door. His hands are on either side of my head. He dips down and starts leaving small kisses up my neck to my mouth, once he reaches my mouth he just barely touches it. "Yoongi... please..." I whine and he chuckles. I tangle my fingers in his hair.

Oh god, his beautiful dark hair. People wouldn't consider his hair curly, but it has some natural texture to it. So silky and soft. So healthy... every damn thing about Yoongi is perfect. His soft lips trail from my mouth to the soft dimple on my cheek, down my neck. He lingers at my neck for a little while, allowing me to feel how perfect even his lips are. So good at kissing, I guess that watching him and R/f/n make out had to lead me to think otherwise... R/f/n.

"Wait... Yoongi." He pulls away with a hum and looks at me. His dark lust-filled eyes have now turned into precious puppy dog eyes. They're glossed over and widened, as his lips are in a pout. "What about R/f/n?" He chuckles, making me embarrassed for asking.

"I'm done with her. Don't think about her, or Tommy, or R/m/n, or Tara, or Mr. Kim, or Ms. Jung. Think about us." I nod and he leans down to kiss me again, but before he can, someone knocks on my door.

"Y/n, I'm home." My mom says on the other side of the door.

"Okay, hi mom!" I call out, Yoongi flops softly onto the space next to me and wraps his arms around me.

~

"Tommy give me my phone!" I yell as Tommy and I run around my living room. Yoongi and Tara laugh at us, and I finally grabbed my phone from him and stuff it in my pants.

"Do you really think that'll stop me?" He says reaching towards me, but stops when Yoongi lets out a cough. "Sorry, Yoongi. Didn't mean that in a creepy way." He awkwardly apologizes and we sit down on the couch. I drape the blanket over Yoongi and I, as Tommy and Tara fight over who gets to hold the popcorn.

"I thought this was gonna be a calm movie night," Yoongi whispers in my ear with a smile. I let out a soft laugh and look over at the two twins.

"At least Tara isn't threatening to shove her fist up his ass again." Just as I say that, Tara then yells she was gonna shove her fist up Tommy's ass.

"I don't want anything else than to be here with you guys," Yoongi whispers again, placing a kiss on my nose. "I love you."

"I love you more."

[ssaalexblake]

s6 and what Willow did to Tara, and how they swerved from that abusiveness to "magic addiction" honestly soured me on the pairing, and I'm sad cos everyone loves it and it's important to people

It makes me kind of sad, aside from how it also makes me furious, simply because even though it’s really not my favourite f/f relationship in media, little me watched this as it aired originally, it was the first non subtext gay relationship i saw? And Tara deserved to have the writers let her continue to stick up for herself instead of having her go back to Willow just to up the angst factor. 

I mean, it’s not like Willow had dealt with her possessive issues by that point, Tara could have still died in the same manner and not have gotten back together with Willow, preserving the dark willow plot? I’d still buy Willow going dark over it all if say, Tara ended up taking a bullet going to visit Dawn? I mean, i’d not like to add to poor Dawn’s trauma, but at least nothing that happens in that scenario is an insult to anybody’s characterisation. 

(i mean, good solution: Not killing Tara, but that horse has been beaten to death about 80 times over So)

But yeah, I feel like they carried on progressing her arc and it got to the point where the writers knew full well she wasn’t even vaguely sympathetic anymore and had to walk it back Real Fast. Because goodness knows it’d be the end of the world if the audience disliked a female character for her legitimate glaring flaws. Like, i’d prefer to dislike willow as a person and really enjoy the writing than be able to like willow and hate the writing? 

and ha, I have it on on the bg right now, and willow literally just said to Buffy that Tara left because of the magic usage which is... A very abridged part of the tale to say the least. She was not happy with the magic usage, true, none of the scoobies were happy about it and Anya pointed out they were just too scared to say anything, but Tara only started talking about leaving when Willow actively victimized her. 

The argument they had about magic really was just an argument??? Okay, willow Does let her charming personality shine through during it by her little ‘you shutting up would be a good start’ line, but hey! That’s just willow.  Tara is merely angry then (the people on this show are weirdly even tempered, i’d have blown a gasket if somebody spoke to me like that), but it’s when Tara finds out Willow actively invaded her mind that we first hear her talk about leaving, that’s what the second song she sings in once more with feeling is about. She gives Willow one last chance, and to fix the problem she attempts to do it all over again, proving not only does she not consider what she’s doing wrong in any way, but that she doesn’t even care that Tara doesn’t like it and won’t respect her or her agency as a person, just as a Thing Willow needs who should act appropriately. 

She left, Willow, because of How you were using magic. She was only worried and annoyed before you started seeing her as a comfort blanket that should behave how you wanted it to rather than an actual person. After then she recognised you were a danger and got the hell out.  

It’s such a disservice to a great narrative, because it’s the exact same thing the trio are doing??? this season??? losers in high school trying to get and stay on top using any means necessary so they never have to feel that little anymore is something they all have in common. It also has its own parallels to Buffy’s story this season, which isn’t??? a mess?? If they’d just stuck to the tight parallel between them it would have had Willow own her own actions like Buffy does. But no, Willow gets a magical way out. 

I think it mostly annoys me, because it had the makings of a truly brilliant plot, Willow has been willing to break laws and rules since the pilot to help save the day, she may claim to be the great rule follower but she picks and chooses what ones she thinks are useful and ignores the rest. She’s dangerous Because she believes she’s justified and everybody else is wrong and they Never Once address this, and therefore Willow is never taken to task for what she did in general and what she did specifically to Tara. 

And i do genuinely really like s4&5 Willow and Tara, the sweet groundwork before Willow devolves makes it more painful when she does get awful to Tara specifically, and had they not swerved to addiction as the reasoning for it and not failed to hold her accountable i’d probably really like the plot where they fall apart? But they wrote a Great setup on all counts and then fucked it up incredibly by letting Willow get away with everything and now it just Sucks.  

And it stings so much that for Willow to remain innocent and not at fault, not only does it wreck her characterization but Tara’s as well. Willow could have owned her own screw ups and realised how badly she’d been acting and then Tara coming back wouldn’t have been such a kick in the teeth, and she could Still have gone dark willow afterwards because her issue is Power, somebody killed Tara and she had no power to stop it or save her so she reverts back to toxic actions and tries to amass power again. 

i could probably complain for a few more thousand words but i’ll shut up now. oopps. But yeah, i agree. So Sour. And for such a landmark pairing, it makes it even worse. 

[ettadunham]

A Buffy rewatch 5x19 Tough Love

aka you are not immune to… internalized bi erasure?

Welcome to this dailyish (weekly? bi-weekly?) text post series where I will rewatch an episode of Buffy and go on an impromptu rant about it for an hour. Is it about one hyperspecific thing or twenty observations? 10 or 3k words? You don’t know! I don’t know!!! In this house we don’t know things.

And in today’s episode Tara’s not perfect and gets her mind sucked out for it, we kick off the season’s multi-episode finale arc by revealing Dawn to Glory, and we draw some weird parallels between two of our dynamics. Perhaps mostly though, I’ll just talk about Willow’s sexuality, because at some point, we need to properly address that elephant in the room.

Okay, so, let’s just kick this off. If you’ve been in this fandom long enough, you’ve been inevitably exposed to the discourse of Willow’s sexuality. And you might be asking now… what’s the big deal anyway? Isn’t art up to interpretation? Wasn’t that one of my main motivations for this rewatch? Why does it matter that parts of the audience ascribe different labels to Willow?

And well… that’s valid, but it also misses a crucial element of our media, one that I alluded to in my rant about Whedon character deaths. Art doesn’t happen in a vacuum. And the significance of that is only amplified for folks and groups whose experiences aren’t recognized or seen by society in the first place.

To them it will matter whether or not someone recognizes a character by a certain label. Because a refusal to do so feels like an erasure of their own identities. That’s what makes this whole discussion complicated in the first place.

Now, am I the best person to do a deep dive on this? No. Especially not in one of these barely proof-read long rant posts. I’m sure you can find much better sources, so please do that. But it’d feel disingenuous to ignore it too, so I’m just gonna address it to the best of my abilities as well as provide my own in-universe interpretation of what it could mean for the characters.

Great. Now for that pesky discourse.

Personally my go-to analogy to describe it is the classic Shrek onion one.

You see, you peel away a layer of the Willow’s sexuality onion… and it’s still an onion. You peel away all the layers, you chop it up, and sure, it remains an onion, but now everything’s a mess and you’re crying.

The issue is that you kind of need to peel those layers away anyway if you want to truly divorce yourself from the binary thinking that the show itself often engages with. Which is what’s arguably gotten us into this mess in the first place.

Because however you view Willow’s sexuality, you can’t deny that the show is doing a lousy job defining it. Willow does identify as gay/lesbian as of 5x11 and through the end of the series, but the language the show uses makes it impossible to just leave it at that.

In Doppelgangland, when Willow meets her vampire self, she describes her as “kinda gay”. Not gay, but kinda gay. We also see Vampire!Willow making out with Vampire!Xander in The Wish beforehand, so if Vamp!Willow is supposed to tell us something about Willow’s own sexuality, then it’d stand to reason that she’s bi. Right?

Well, apparently not. But then we run into her actual line in 5x11 where she first uses a label, saying “Hello, gay now!”. Notice, it’s gay now. As in Willow just woke up one day and turned gay. The same joke(?) is repeated in Intervention, where one of the characteristics that was programmed into Buffybot about Willow was saying Gay(1999 - ).

Now, that’s not to say that Willow can’t just have a fluid sexuality and identify anyway she fucking wants to, and she doesn’t need to justify her label to anyone. She fell in love with Tara, and that made her reconsider her own identity. Season 7 almost ends up addressing this too in a scene I think, so that’ll be nice to get to.

The issue mostly comes from the show skipping to engage even with the possibility that Willow (or anyone for that matter) might be attracted to more than one gender at the same time. The closest we get to this is with the love triangle setup in New Moon Rising, except I guess in this love triangle Willow also chose a sexual orientation?

It’s like that episode was the quantum superposition of Willow’s Schrödinger’s sexuality, and upon observation, it locked into either one of its two states. That’s why Tara’s been talking about getting a cat in that episode! Guys, we solved it!

Notice also that I’ve yet to really talk about Willow’s sexual history before Tara in regards to this… because for me that’s sort of less part of the point? If Willow was a real person, and you knew that she had this adorable boyfriend before she identified as a lesbian, you wouldn’t go up to her and question how she defines her own sexuality. I mean… I hope so? Don’t be a fucking asshole.

But that’s both the fallacy of the argument and the reason why you should still respect the label Willow identifies with. Because Willow is not real, she’s a fictional character, and therefore arguments can and should be made about how the show portrays her sexuality… And yet, the people who identify with Willow are very much real, and so are their own experiences of people dismissing their own chosen identities.

So, there you go folks. These are my two cents. Willow’s gay, but we need to acknowledge how the show appears to be either completely unaware, or actively dismissive of the existence of bisexuality. This even comes up in the S8 comics, where Buffy’s sexuality after having a relationship with a woman is continuously referred to as essentially “not-gay”. Because I guess in the Buffyverse canon these are your only two options.

Now that we got all that out of the way, we can briefly talk about this episode, I guess.

To keep it on track, I guess we should dissect the argument between Willow and Tara that sort of caused me to whip this whole discussion out here.

Now, this is a fascinating scene, because it pivots a lot, and reveals a lot about the characters and their insecurities. It also appears to be fueled by Willow’s own lack of self-reflection and Tara’s non-confrontational nature.

It starts with Willow complaining to Tara about how Buffy appears to be trying to be more strict with Dawn. Willow is obviously identifying with Dawn in the situation. But Tara says she completely understands Buffy.

This then probably reminds Willow of Buffy earlier telling her that she wouldn’t understand when she was talking to her about Dawn, which causes a mood shift in Willow. It also reminded me of season 3 of Buffy telling Willow the same thing regarding her connection with Faith, so as a Buffy/Tara shipper that association kind of delights me, ngl.

But as Tara pushes further, seeing that something is bothering Willow, she reveals the insecurity behind it. Willow isn’t just responding to Tara having this wisdom through this major, tragic life experience that she can relate to Buffy with; it’s that Tara’s done all of this so much longer than she has. She’s been a witch all her life. She’s been out much longer.

That however then triggers Tara’s own insecurities about Willow rapidly surpassing her in her own magical abilities, and says that that “frightens” her. She tries walking back on her choice of word later, but it’s too late, and Willow locks into that.

Now, this is some riveting stuff. Because with foreknowledge, the easiest interpretation here is that this will relate back to Willow’s abuse of magic in season 6. That deep down Tara already sees what having this much power will do to her girlfriend.

This is arguably even reinforced in the episode with Willow going after Glory. It’s once again foreshadowing, Willow attempting to take revenge for something that’s been done to Tara; but it also betrays a certain arrogance in Willow. She actually believes that she can take on Glory, a supposed God. (Which, honestly? She probably could by season 7.) That’s the kind of power that she wields and how she chooses to use it.

Still, in the argument itself Tara pushes this fear of hers in a slightly different direction, saying that she’s afraid that she wouldn’t be able to fit into Willow’s life, after all these changes. And that’s where the previous discussion fits in.

Perhaps to understand Willow’s response, we should remember how magic has been used as our lesbian metaphor for almost a whole season. Because she almost immediately jumps to the conclusion, that Tara’s afraid that she would… go back to boys? Which is of course a classic, toxic stereotype used against bisexuals, despite the fact that no one here canonically identifies as bi, so add that to the discourse.

More importantly, it’s said by Willow. Now, Tara totally drops the ball here, asking her “Should I be?”, which reinforces the validity of Willow’s assumption that it’s actually something that Tara is thinking. Even someone as perfect and precious as Tara is not immune to propaganda.

In Tara’s defense, she once again tries dancing back on it, and talking it out before Willow storms out, but yeah. While I’d like to think that Tara’s question came more from a place of general insecurity, regardless of the gender of Willow’s next possible love interest, she sure fucked up in that moment.

Still, the fact that it’s Willow jumping to this debate, might just tell us more about Willow herself and how she sees herself.

Let’s go back to Restless for a bit. In that episode, Willow’s fear was ended up being about how she was scared that deep down she was still the same girl that she was in high school. That all these things she developed through college that made her stand out were just a facade, and that she was merely hiding her true identity as the same lonely loser she believed herself to have been back then.

So… and bear with me here… if we take that fear as a core motivation for Willow’s character, we can interpret the way she identifies her sexuality as a means to distance herself from her old identity. From this perspective, it’d perhaps even make sense for her to feel insecure about a supposed attraction to men, because she sees that as a regression to her old identity.

I can not stress it enough that this is merely a possible interpretation though. And one that would really only become satisfying if season 7 - which was already largely about reconciling with these different aspects of her identity for Willow aside the obvious theme of power - ended up tying it all together with Willow re-defining her own sexuality. It didn’t though, so I’m still left with the same conclusions, and this thought experiment of a character analysis.

Anywho, this is getting so very long, and there are still a few things that I wanted to touch upon this episode. Mainly the parallel we’re drawing between Willow / Tara and Buffy & Dawn throughout.

Normally, I love a good parallel storytelling. It’s efficient and makes the whole thing more cohesive. Here however, they manage to drive the parallel home so hard, that it just becomes weird at some point.

Like the fact that we have these two conflicts in the two relationships, arguably anchoring the episode? That’s good stuff. I also like the fact that Willow and Tara’s argument grows out of their discussion about Buffy and Dawn’s situation.

There’s actually a lot of great interaction in the entire episode. I love Dawn opening up to Spike about how she feels responsible for what would happen to Tara, and how she feels like she can’t be good because of all the terrible things happening around her. That’s a brilliant scene. Spike’s “Well, I’m not good and I’m okay”? I actually love him in that moment, not even gonna lie.

Buffy thinking that she actually convinced Willow to not go after Glory reminded me of a scene in Angel the series, where the gang thinks they managed to curve Fred’s impulses to axe murder her old professor. Do you all even know these people you call friends??? But again, I liked that exchange.

And okay, Buffy needed to be reminded what she would do if something happened to Dawn to realize what Willow was planning. Fine.

But then you’ve got the doctor asking Willow if Tara was her “sister” (to which she of course replied “She’s my everything”, and it’s fine, I’m fine), and then in the last scene, Buffy explicitly equating Willow’s need to take care of Tara with her own feelings regarding Dawn.

Again, I understand parallel storytelling. I love it. But when you’re equating a romantic and a familial relationship there’s a point where it becomes weird, and for me, these two moments put it just over that edge. This is of course a deeply subjective perspective, and I recognize that.

And then you also get Buffy trying to take on these new adult responsibilities in the episode. She’s dropping out of college to try and care for Dawn, and is faced with the challenge to become a parental authority figure in her sister’s life. The scene where she explains to Dawn that the reason she’s being tough with her, is because otherwise she could be seen unfit to be her guardian just gutted me.

This episode is just way too much, guys. And we’re only just at the beginning of the big finish of this season.

[cassercole]

i was tagged by @toalltheocsivelovedbefore​ to answer some q’s about my ocs! read if you wanna! 

Which oc most reflects you?

probably amanda wolfe! she’s very bubbly and very kind, but also very protective over her friends/fam. we’re wary of new people, but open to new experiences. we both have a little bit of a tough side, being through some Shit and want more out of life. we’re both averagely smart, don’t really like fighting, loveable sarcastic bbs to our bffs and get super awkward when we’re around the boys that we like!  

Which oc has a storyline so dark it makes you feel guilty?

omg, uhm, maybe andie gallagher’s? just because shameless is kinda fucked up so in turn she is also kinda fucked up lol. but also rachel pierce could fall into that category because of her backstory! 

How do you name your oc’s?

i don’t really have a method! i try to use names that are real common, or some that have fun nicknames but sometimes, if i have a story planned i’ll try to find a name that means what the character represents! most times, i just try and find a letter that hasn’t been used in the show and then find a corresponding name!  

Which oc do you write most for?

leah kane! just because she’s my most active story! 

What do you like making most: posters, aesthetics, gifs, playlists, manips, etc?

uhhhhh all of the above! no, i really do like making playlists, social media/phone edits and gifs/manips! all of them are super fun but i love finding songs that remind me of characters! hopefully ppl listen to em!

Do you have an oc that’s for a super obscure fandom?

uhhh i don’t think so! maybe the magicians? 

What are some fun facts about your oc’s?

leah kane: plays the cello sophia mcbride: can finish a puzzle within two days amanda wolfe: joins a sorority in college rachel pierce: has killed someone/can speak spanish fluently  dakota davis: is double jointed  connor kane: loved laura hale andie gallagher: once outdrank her father nick wells: can only make grilled cheese -- burns everything else     miloh whitman: loves the wedding section of the newspaper 

I dare you to spoil a huge plot point in your current story (only if you want, I’m serious only if you want)

ok, i’m gonna do this for sophia’s story! before high school started, sophia’s grandmother died--who she was super close to and it caused sophia to kind of slip into this depression. when stiles tried to reach out to help her, sophia wasn’t very forthcoming because she was just trying to Deal With It. and this caused stiles to get annoyed/frustrated/angry with her so much so that he started complaining about her, not realizing that one time sophia overheard him. to sophia, stiles made it perfectly clear that they weren’t friends with each other anymore. time went on, sophia went into the art crowd while the boys went into the lacrosse crowd and they rarely crossed paths. and that’s why the three of them stopped being friends. 

What’s your favorite fandom to write oc’s for?

this would have to be teen wolf! it just comes so naturally for me -- it was my first fandom to write FF for so yeah! 

Did someone in your life inspire a certain oc?

rachel was lowkey inspired by one of my best friends! i mean to a degree -- she’s real smart and real practical and just doesn’t take no for an answer (and owns her sexuality duh) but sometimes she isn’t so good socially. 

How do you choose a faceclaims for your oc’s?

honestly, it’s like “oh i love her/him gonna find some reason to use them!” 

Is there a specific song that fits one of your oc’s so well it’s insane?

‘memories’ by folli nreally fits leah so well and then also ‘worst in me’ by julia michaels is a really good one for steah. 

Where do you mainly post your fics?

ff.net!

Do any of your stories have polyamorous relationships?

yes! well, ish. sophia’s story is a lil bit polyamorous bc of what’s happening to her! 

Do you have any queer oc’s?

mhm! connor kane, sophia mcbride, adrian cordero and kat westfall! 

Do you have an poc oc’s?

yep! connor kane, tara kane,  kat westfall, maeve collins, dakota davis, adrian cordero, miloh whitman, and i guess rachel pierce (she’s latina, idk if that counts tho) 

Is there a common trait all your oc’s share?

they tend to all have that sarcastic gene in em lol

Is there an oc you’ve never posted anything for?

yes! for my wynonna earp oc! 

Have you ever had a dream where one of your oc’s was in it?

mmmm not yet but its gonna happen lol

What is something you’ve been dying to tell someone about concerning a fic or an oc?

that there’s a sexy thing coming up for leah and it’s so good i’ve had it written for months now augh can’t wait for it to happen

[theajaheira]

second chances

jfc this fic has such a backstory behind it. i started working on it in late june at midnight when i was Sad™ and then i read it two days later and was like “this is so awful” and forgot about it, and then i opened it up three months after that and was like “oh my god this is really good” and i’ve been writing it on and off ever since and dsljkdsjkldfsjkl i just love it so much??

anyway if you like anya, this is a good fic. if you like jenny, this is a good fic. if you like anya accidentally making friends with ghost jenny, definitely one of the only best fics out there for you.

it’s also on ao3 because it’s really, really, absurdly long.

Anya is thoroughly irritated.

“You know,” she says, “it’s not impossible for you to not touch things when we have customers in the shop.”

“I was just trying to read,” the ghost shoots back, looking somewhat affronted. “And it’s a magic shop. Why would customers be surprised by a book moving on its own? Are you running a novelty magic shop or the real thing?”

“Do not,” Anya says through gritted teeth, “insult this shop, or I swear I’ll exorcise you.”

“I’m pretty sure that won’t work,” says the ghost with a saccharine smile and turns another page. “Besides which, you seem like you could use the company.”

This is true, but Anya will be damned if she’ll let the ghost know it. “I have an overseas business partner,” she says. “He could come back any day now and keep me company in the shop. He’d probably tell you to go away. And you’d listen to him.”

The ghost rolls her eyes. “Sure I would,” she says, voice dripping with sarcasm. She floats through the counter and through Anya, who shivers. “Look,” the ghost says, slightly apologetically, “I didn’t mean to be annoying. I’ve been tense.”

“Tense? You’re dead.” Anya crosses her arms, turning to glower at the ghost, who’s now hovering on her left. “What the hell does a dead person have to be tense about?”

“You’d be surprised,” says the ghost. “Unfinished business and all that.”

The bell on the shop door rings and Buffy comes through. She’s still walking slower than Anya remembers, back from the grave and all that. “Hey,” she says a little tightly. Her eyes aren’t as sparkly as Anya remembers, either.

“Hello, Buffy!” says Anya brightly. She’s heard that cheeriness can improve the mood of others, and sad Buffy means sad everyone else, because everyone else wants Buffy to be happy. Everyone else, of course, mostly means Xander. Everyone else always seems to mean Xander. “Are you here to buy or to look?”

“Neither,” Buffy replies.

“Hi,” says the ghost. Buffy doesn’t see or hear her. Anya hears the ghost’s irritated huff, and then a muttered, “Dead people should recognize dead people. There should be a thing about that.”

“What, is my company not enough for you?” Anya snaps, turning to glare at the ghost.

The ghost looks surprised, and then jerks her head towards a startled Buffy.

“Oh,” says Anya, turning back to Buffy. She hopes she isn’t blushing. It’s a newly human trait she’s acquired, and even after a little over two years, she is neither used to it nor appreciative of it. “Um, there’s a ghost who just showed up and she’s haunting the Magic Box. But she’s not a bad ghost. She’s just exasperating.”

“Right,” says Buffy with a confused frown.

“I could be one hell of a lot more exasperating, so you watch it,” says the ghost from next to Anya. “You could have been stuck with a poltergeist. Sunnydale High had one a few years back, and that was a mess.”

“Fine.” Anya fixes the ghost with an irritable stare. “You’re decent, as ghosts go.”

“Thank you.” The ghost gives her a genuine grin.

Anya rarely makes people smile like that. Surprised, she smiles back.

“Are you sure it’s a ghost?” Buffy asks, sounding somewhat uneasy. “It could be something else.”

“Like a mental breakdown,” the ghost suggests, surprisingly nonchalantly for one who’s suggesting that they’re merely a figment of Anya’s imagination.

“I doubt it,” says Anya. “If I were having a mental breakdown, I think I’d have a more frightening ghost.”

“Fair enough,” says the ghost.

Buffy doesn’t look any less disturbed.

A few hours later they believe her, sure. The ghost carries a stack of books around the room with a very self-suffering expression on her face that only Anya can see, and then Willow and Tara do a ward spell while the ghost stands in the center of the room (she sneezes when Willow and Tara bring out the magic dust), and they conclude that there is definitely a ghost. Anya is a bit bitter that it takes Willow and Tara’s spell to convince everyone. When Buffy or Willow or Xander said there was a ghost, there was always a ghost. No question about it.

The ghost points out that actually, it seems reasonable that Anya would face the amount of questioning that she did when making baseless claims. Anya tells her to be quiet.

Then the Scooby meeting starts up and Anya decides to ignore most of it in favor of talking to the ghost. The ghost evades any actual questions Anya asks her about what her pre-death life was like, except for an insinuation that she once knew Willow.

“She’s grown up,” she says to Anya from where she’s sitting in what would look like an empty chair to the casual observer.

“Is that a good thing?” Anya replies, confused. “You make it sound bad.”

“Ahn, could you not talk to the ghost during the meeting?” Xander says in an almost exasperated fashion.

That annoys Anya. It isn’t her fault they can’t see the ghost. “Wait, this is important,” she says dismissively, and turns back to the ghost.

The ghost sighs and runs a hand through her hair. Anya sometimes wonders what color it was when the ghost was alive. She’s not transparent, but she’s different hues of silver, and it’s impossible to tell what she looked like as a living, breathing human. It seems strange to ask. “She didn’t get enough training. Wasn’t there anyone who could have tried to teach her?”

“I thought Tara did a pretty good job of that,” Anya replies, confused.

“Tara’s a sweet girl, but Willow’s power surpasses hers,” says the ghost, sounding worried. She glances over at Tara. “All Willow’s heard from Tara is how good she is at what she does. And I’m so, so glad for her, because she deserves to hear that and believe it, but—” She stops.

“But?” Anya prompts. The other Scoobies have stopped listening to the conversation. This is what usually happens.

The ghost hesitates. “I’m worried about what happens if she decides she’s good enough to reshape the rules,” she says, and turns back to the table. “So. Research on the demon thing?”

“I don’t know if you can help with this,” says Anya as tactfully as she can. “You aren’t technically a Scooby, you know. No one else can see or hear you.”

“The tact thing kind of,” the ghost waves a hand, “went out the window after the ‘aren’t technically a Scooby’ part. But I’ll give you an A for effort.”

“You’d make a lousy teacher,” says Anya. “You should be grading on the quality of my work.”

The ghost laughs. “Just pass me a book,” she says. “I may not be a Scooby, but I do happen to be somewhat fond of helping save the world.”

“I mean, I don’t know if it’s really the world so much as Sunnydale, but hey, whatever works for you.” Anya finds a book and hands it to the ghost, who picks it up, leans back in the chair, and falls straight through it.

“Fucking hell,” says the ghost from where she’s now sprawled on the floor.

“Read books standing up, remember?” says Anya, looking down at the ghost. “You can’t focus on being material enough to sit and being material enough to read a book at the same time.”

“Someday I will,” the ghost says, sitting up on the floor and turning a page of the book, which is lying open on the ground. “I’m getting better at it, at any rate.”

“Sure,” says Anya.

“Can you pass me that?” Buffy asks, pointing to the book the ghost has gotten started on. The ghost fixes Buffy with a look that reminds Anya somewhat of an irate Giles. She wonders if the ghost is somehow related to him. After all, the ghost is haunting his shop. That could mean something.

“Are you—” Anya begins, intending to inquire as to the ghost’s possible relation to Giles, but Buffy intervenes by clearing her throat loudly. “Oh,” she says awkwardly. “Sorry.” She takes the book away from the ghost, who utters a long-suffering sigh and is pissed off even after Anya finds her another book.

In that vein, the ghost really likes complaining about things. Right now, she’s going off on a tangent about how bad the wifi in the Magic Box is.

“You know, it’s actually important to consider that in this day and age, making an online platform for the Magic Box—”

“I did that,” says Anya, who is counting the money. “Go away.”

“Okay, but see, that’s my point,” says the ghost, and actually comes closer to Anya, who is wondering if there is any way to shove an incorporeal being into a wall or something. “If you don’t have quality wifi in your shop, you don’t have the means to access and edit your platform. Not to mention that this antiquated system of keeping track of ingredients and products is so much slower than having an online database of items.”

“That’s Giles’s system,” says Anya, “and I don’t think he’ll be pleased if I change it.”

“Isn’t he off in England?” pushes the ghost.

“He doesn’t like computers,” Anya replies. “He’d be horrified if he came back and found his system had been replaced with a computerized database. Besides which, it seems like a lot of unnecessary work.”

“I could—”

“No,” says Anya, shutting the cash register and finally looking up at the ghost, “you could not, especially given that you’ve only recently learned how to pick things up. Typing would be ridiculously hard for you and it would take very long and be very annoying to listen to.”    

“I feel so touched by your concern for my time,” the ghost quips.

Anya looks up at her. “You’re dead,” she points out. “You’ve got more time than the rest of us. I just don’t want lots of annoying slow typing in the store. It’s one of the worst sounds.”

To her surprise, the ghost actually laughs. “I get that,” she says. “I hated slow typers when I was alive. But that might have been—” She looks down, wiggles her fingers. “My boyfriend always used to say I had quick hands.”

Anya feels a strange twist of something in her stomach. A few years of being human, yet she still isn’t quite used to feeling sad for other people. What was the word? Empathy? Pity? “Where is he now?” she asks, hoping she doesn’t sound too awkward.

The ghost opens her mouth, a half-smile on her lips, and then she suddenly shuts it. “Not something I really feel like talking about,” she says stiffly.

“No, you just don’t want to talk about it with me,” Anya observes. She doesn’t feel upset, just confused. The ghost doesn’t overshare much anyway, and she’s learned not to take offense when the ghost decides she doesn’t want to talk. This doesn’t mean she doesn’t stop inquiring, however. “Do you know what happened to him, at least?”

The ghost looks kind of tired and sad all of a sudden. “Yeah,” she says. “He’s alive. I think he’s doing okay.”

“Do you think he’ll be able to see you if you two meet up?” Anya asks.

“Hmm?” The ghost suddenly seems a little spacey. Anya wonders if she’s still in love with this boyfriend guy. She wonders when the ghost died, and how, and why. The ghost never seems to talk about it.

“Your boyfriend,” says Anya. “Do you think he’ll be able to see you? I mean, I can see you, and we’re still not sure why it’s only me, but maybe he might too. True love and all that.”

“By that logic, I’m your true love,” says the ghost in amusement, “and while you’re cute, you aren’t exactly my type.”

“Your type?” Anya repeats, not sure whether or not to be insulted.

“I mean, you’re cute, but there’s a little bit of an age difference,” quips the ghost.

“It doesn’t seem to bother Xander,” Anya says huffily, forgetting for a moment that the ghost doesn’t know about Anyanka. Then something else hits her. “Wait, I thought you said you had a boyfriend?” she says, surprised.

“Yeah, well, I go both ways,” the ghost replies casually. “Never got the chance to tell him that. And he’s technically an ex,” she adds with clear sadness.

“I find that death never comes at a convenient time,” Anya informs the ghost in an attempt at comfort. “I’m sure you and he would have worked it out eventually.”

“I like to think that,” says the ghost.

Xander still hasn’t told anyone about the engagement, and he still isn’t letting Anya tell anyone about the engagement, and it’s leaving her with an unpleasant knot in her stomach that doesn’t seem to be going away. When he’s smiling at her, everything seems like it’s going to be okay, but his promises aren’t sounding as promising as the days go by and nothing changes.

She wishes something really, really bad would happen. Then they’d need happy news, and Xander would tell everyone that they were engaged, and they could start planning a wedding that would cheer everyone up. Or something like that. She doesn’t want a wedding in the wake of tragedy, but she really, really wants a wedding, regardless of what it takes to spur Xander into action.

“When you love someone a lot, don’t you try and put them first?” Anya asks the ghost one day. “Like, let’s say you’re scared of doing something, but the person you love really wants it. Wouldn’t you try and do it for them, regardless of how nervous you are?”

The ghost is quiet, and then she replies, “I did.”

“And?” Anya prompts.

The ghost smiles a little tiredly. “I ended up dead,” she says. “But he ended up happy, even if he forgot me.”

Anya takes a moment to digest this, and then, “Yes, but what if it’s something that’s not really that scary and isn’t actually going to lead to your demise?”

“Is it scary for him?” the ghost replies.

“It shouldn’t be,” says Anya sulkily.

“Maybe not for you, but maybe it—”

“Xander isn’t telling anyone that we’re engaged,” Anya blurts out. “He hasn’t said a thing about it to anyone, and he’s not letting me tell anyone, and it’s been months, and he keeps on saying crap about waiting for the right moment, and I just want to tell everyone, but he doesn’t, and it’s not—”

“Anya,” says the ghost, and reaches out to her.

“It’s not fair,” Anya half-sobs. She leans into the ghost’s touch. She can almost feel the pressure of a cool hand on her shoulder. “Am I not good enough for him? Is he ashamed of me?”

“You know what, he’s kind of being an idiot,” says the ghost. “I amend that—he is definitely being an idiot. Have you tried talking to him about it?”

“I have! And—and he just keeps on saying things about how he wants all the steps to be just the right amount, and then we start kissing, and it’s just a mess.” Anya takes a shuddering breath and manages not to cry. It’s an effort. “Was your boyfriend like this?”

The ghost smiles a little wryly. “No,” she says. “He was fairly straightforward when it came to our relationship. It was mostly me that was the problem.” She squeezes Anya’s shoulder. “The thing is, that’s not the case here, okay? Whatever’s going on here is Xander’s responsibility to figure out.”

“And if he doesn’t?” Anya asks, voice wobbling.

“Then you move on,” says the ghost. “Which I know is so hard to do after falling in love. It’s what kept me here in the first place. Love is a pretty damn powerful force, but so are you. You survived without him before, right?”

“I was a monster before him,” says Anya. “I was nothing.” She looks up at the ghost, unsure of how much she wants to divulge.

“I know,” says the ghost.

“You don’t,” Anya dismisses her.

“I do.” The ghost smiles a little tiredly. “I think we both know Cordelia, right? Cordelia Chase? The last girl you granted a wish to?”

Anya’s breath freezes in her throat as she stares at the ghost.

“Anyanka,” says the ghost. There’s no loathing or anger in the way she says the name. “But you’ve changed.”

“Because of Xander,” Anya insists. “Because I fell in love. I was human, and then I was in love. I haven’t been human without knowing Xander, and I,” her voice catches. “I don’t know if I can be.”

The ghost considers this. Then she says, “Whether or not he leaves, I’ll still be here. Will that be good?”

Anya thinks about this. She imagines a life without Xander. She imagines the ghost, who probably came to the shop for a whole other reason, sticking around and helping her and maybe helping a little with running the shop. “It’ll be good,” she says.

She brings the engagement up to Xander at dinnertime and they have another conversation that goes nowhere and she heads back to the Magic Box and just cries for a few hours. The ghost sits with her and doesn’t say anything. There’s something strangely comforting about that, especially since her house with Xander is always full of chatter. Sometimes it’s him, sometimes it’s her, sometimes it’s them arguing. Anya is learning to like silence.

When Xander shows up with the rest of the Scoobies, they have another conversation like that, except this time it’s in front of the ghost (who is tactfully pretending not to listen) and Tara and Dawn (who actually can’t hear them, being that they’re on the other side of the room). And then they start talking about the demon that attacked Buffy at the bank.

Everyone’s talking and Anya is only half paying attention because the ghost has started acting antsy. She’s fidgeting in her chair and playing with the sleeves of her shirt and fussing with her silvery hair. Her nervousness is the most tangible thing about her.

“You okay?” she asks the ghost.

“Fine,” the ghost replies breathlessly. “Excuse me.” She gets up, knocking over a chair. The rest of the Scoobies jump.

“Just the ghost,” says Anya.

“Does the ghost have a name?” Xander asks.

“Yeah, it’s getting a little bit weird to hear her called the ghost all the time,” Dawn adds.

“They do have a point,” says Anya, and turns to the ghost. “So what is your name?”

“I have to go,” says the ghost, and runs down into the basement. Anya watches with bemusement, debating whether or not to hurry after her.

“What’s her name?” Willow asks with interest.

“I don’t know,” says Anya. “She’s been all nervous since the meeting started, and when I asked her name, she ran away.”

“Maybe she’s feeling shy,” Tara contributes, a sympathetic look on her face. Fear spikes in Anya. She doesn’t want the ghost to like Tara better than her. Everyone likes Tara better than her. If Tara could see the ghost, the ghost would probably like Tara better than her.

“Give me a minute,” she says, and hurries into the basement after the ghost.

The ghost is sitting on a crate.

“Are you okay?” Anya asks, and finds that she genuinely wants to know.

Wordlessly, the ghost shakes her head.

“Can I stay?” Anya asks, sitting down on the crate next to the ghost. The ghost stares straight ahead, an almost carefully crafted blank expression on her face. Anya decides to take that as a yes. “I get the sense you aren’t big on sharing,” she comments.

The ghost nods slowly. “Not especially,” she replies.

“Neither am I,” says Anya. “Not the important things.”

“Maybe it just depends on the people,” says the ghost. She turns to Anya. “Jenny,” she says.

“Huh?” says Anya.

“My name.” The ghost kind of smiles. “It’s Jenny.”

“Oh!” Anya smiles back, delighted. “Well, then, nice to meet you, Jenny,” she says.

She sticks out her hand. Jenny takes it. Anya ignores the chill and the strange feeling of there almost being a hand clasped in hers, shaking Jenny’s hand instead.

Jenny is the one to break the handshake, tucking a stray lock of ghostly hair behind her ear. “Well. Wow. I’m sorry for running out like that,” she says. “I’ve been feeling a little tense ever since the meeting started. I’m not sure why.”

“It’s fine,” Anya replies dismissively. “Scooby meetings are always tense. You never know who’s going to—”

Dawn comes running down the basement steps, eyes alight, a big grin on her face. “Anya, Giles is back!” she blurts out. “He’s back!”

“What?” says Anya, feeling a strange mixture of indignation and a surprising delight. “Oh! He can’t take the shop back. He signed papers. I made sure.”

“No, he’s here to see Buffy!” Dawn explains excitedly. “Come on, you and the ghost should come up and say hi!”

Anya glances over at Jenny, who for some reason has become even paler than she would have believed possible of a ghost. “I’m guessing you’re not that into meeting him,” she says, feeling proud of herself for being able to read Jenny well enough to know this.

“No, not really,” says Jenny, and smiles. It looks forced. “I didn’t—you said he was in England.”

“He’s back now, apparently,” Anya replies. “Would you like to meet him?”

“I’m okay,” says Jenny. “I’ll stay down here.”

Anya hurries upstairs. Giles is in the training room, apparently, talking to Buffy or something. She’s tempted to go back down into the basement with Jenny, but Xander pulls her over and suddenly they’re talking demons again.

Giles comes out about five minutes later, and Anya’s heart leaps. She’s missed him. As nice as it is being a shop proprietor, it was even nicer when she had company.

“Giles!” she half-shouts, running over to him and tackling him in a tight hug. He makes a small oof sound, but hugs her back. “We're so glad to see you. We missed you.” She pulls away slightly to look at him. “You can't have the store back,” she informs him seriously.

“I know,” Giles agrees.

“You signed papers,” Anya adds.

“I did,” says Giles. And then he starts to say something else, but Dawn calls, “Anya, where’s the ghost?”

“Ghost?” says Giles, bemused.

Anya steps away from him. “Yeah,” she says conversationally. “The ghost. She’s been haunting the Magic Box for a few weeks and bothering me about getting better wifi because apparently I’m the only one who can see her.”

“Better wifi?” Giles repeats.

“Seems like a pretty petty thing to haunt a magic shop over,” Xander says, sounding amused.

“She’s not—” Anya flares up in defense before she remembers that none of them really know Jenny aside from what she’s told them. “Okay,” she says. “My point is that there’s a ghost in the Magic Box. But she’s a good ghost, so it’s fine.”

“She might be a little shy,” Tara adds.

“Is she—can I see her?” Giles asks curiously.

“She’s not really into meeting you,” Anya explains, thinking of Jenny, pale, sitting on the crate. “I’m not sure why. I think she’s nervous.”

“Of course,” says Giles. He doesn’t sound like he understands, but he also doesn’t sound like he wants to press the subject, which is dropped as everyone goes back to talking about demons.

Giles is pretty preoccupied, and therefore doesn’t seem all that interested in finding out about the ghost that’s haunting his shop. Once Jenny picks up on this, she seems more at ease, and Anya would definitely ask her about it if not for the fact that Jenny still looks nervous every time Giles so much as looks in her direction. Whatever’s going on with her, it seems deeply personal, and Anya’s learned from her years as a human that it isn’t wise to pry.

It’s a little weird to talk to Jenny while Giles is going through inventory, or sweeping the shop, but Anya’s getting used to keeping her voice low. Giles seems to be pretty good at tuning out conversations anyway. Probably all that practice with the Scoobies when they were in high school.

“I was talking to Xander today,” Anya says. Then, considering her words, “Is it boring that I never talk to you about anything but Xander?”

“Not really,” Jenny replies. “It’s better than listening to the sound of Rupert cleaning the place up.”

“Rupert?” Anya repeats.

To her surprise, Giles turns from where he’s been sorting through some of the spellbooks. “Yes?” he says.

Anya looks between Giles (looking at her expectantly) and Jenny (who looks like she’s suddenly made a very big mistake) and frowns slightly. “No, I was just talking to the ghost,” she explains, and for some reason, Jenny goes even more pale. Hastily, Anya amends, “About nothing! I just, um, what’s up?”

“You said my name,” says Giles bemusedly.

“Oh! Yeah—” Anya glances over at Jenny, who seems to be trying to back away from the two of them. “I was wondering if you could see the ghost too. At all. Or hear her, or something.”

“Ah.” Giles still looks a bit confused. “Well, then, my answer continues to be no. My apologies to the ghost.”

“All right,” Anya agrees, and very pointedly motions for Jenny to follow her downstairs into the basement. Jenny doesn’t look very much like she wants to, but Anya glares at her, and she finally seems to give in when Anya’s halfway down the steps.

As soon as they’re down there, Anya turns to Jenny. Screw not prying. “Why are you so nervous around Giles? And why did you call him Rupert? I didn’t even know his name was Rupert.”

“Um,” says Jenny awkwardly. “That’s—I really shouldn’t say.”

“Who told you that you shouldn’t say?” Anya demands in a whisper. “You’re dead. You make the rules.”

Jenny presses her lips together and nods. “Honesty would have served me well when I was living, I guess,” she says. “Even if it would have been painful to speak the truth.” She looks at Anya, eyes oddly bright. “I was in love with him,” she said. “Rupert. I guess everyone just calls him Giles now that I’m gone.”

“I think Mrs. Summers called him Rupert sometimes, but it was more of a friend thing,” says Anya. She hesitates, not sure if she should push the subject, but the question comes out before she can stop it. “Did he love you back?”

Jenny looks down at her hands. “I never had the chance to know,” she says quietly.

Anya looks at Jenny’s face, the tired resignation in her eyes the most solid thing about her, and says, “But you still love him now.” This isn’t a question.

Jenny smiles sadly. “Yes,” she says.

“And you stay because you miss him.”

“Pretty much.”

“Well, then—why can’t he see you?” This is what’s puzzled Anya the most. “Why can’t anyone else see you, for that matter, if you knew them more than you knew me?”

“If I really don’t want someone to see me, they won’t see me,” Jenny explains. “What keeps me here is my desire to stay. It’s a delicate balance.”

Anya frowns. “But if you don’t have a reason to stay, other than watching over Giles, then why wouldn’t you want him to see you?” Her head’s starting to hurt from trying to figure all this out. “You never told me how you got here,” she says finally.

Jenny nods. She looks up again. “The Powers gave me a second chance,” she says. “But it’s something of a weighted one. I’ll be brought back to life for good when I have a reason to be, and it can’t be a selfish reason.” She laughs a little self-deprecatingly. “As it happens,” she says, “wanting to be with Rupert constitutes a selfish reason in their eyes.”

“So if he sees you—”

“We get about two seconds before I go back into the great beyond,” Jenny replies. She doesn’t sound all that happy about it. “I fought hard to be here, and they gave me a few minutes to find some kind of reason to stay, even if it was a small one.”

“And—” Suddenly it all clicks with Anya. “Oh,” she says, feeling suddenly overwhelmed.  

“Yeah.” Jenny twists her hands. “I—saw you at the Magic Box counter, and you looked tired, so I wanted to help you. And it was small, and unselfish, so I’m here in the smallest way I can be.”

“But it’s not enough,” says Anya. She edits her words. “I’m not enough.”

“No,” Jenny says vehemently. “You’re more than enough, Anya. It’s just that my reason has to be something on a long-term basis, not just someone I glance at and casually want to help out a little.” She looks over her shoulder, up the stairs. Anya sees Giles behind the counter. “And he can’t know about any of this,” she says.

“Was that one of the conditions?”

“My least favorite one.” Jenny sits down on one of the cardboard boxes.

Anya hesitates. “I can help,” she says. “If you want. I—don’t know much about saving people. More about hurting them, usually, but maybe that could be a starting place. Just do the opposite of whatever I say. Or something.”

Jenny laughs out loud. “I’ll keep that in mind,” she agrees gamely.

Anya throws herself into research. She can’t tell Giles what she’s up to, but she knows he’s curious, so she brushes him off by saying it’s none of his business and she’s the one who owns the shop anyway, so can’t she look at the books she wants to look at? And it’s weird that she never figured out that Jenny’s in love with Giles, because now that she’s actually looking, she sees the way Jenny’s eyes sparkle with affection when Giles huffs and mutters mutinously about how he should never have hired Anya as an assistant if she isn’t going to be honest with him.

Jenny has a new kind of happy hope in her smile, now, and it makes Anya feel happy too, because she knows that the reason Jenny’s happy is because of her. It’s strange to be the cause of someone’s smile just by being all the way herself.

“Ooh, hey!” Anya calls, and Jenny (who’s been standing next to Giles and watching him do paperwork) looks up with a pleased grin at the sound of her voice. “I found a thing! I—can you come over here?”

“Is this at me or at the ghost?” says Giles somewhat irritably.

“Ghost,” says Anya, and smiles at Jenny.

Jenny grins back. “Sorry, Rupert,” she says, even though he can’t hear her, and hurries over to sit next to Anya. “Whatcha got?”

“There are always hero quests,” Anya explains quietly, making sure Giles can’t hear her. “You know—go out and search for a magical object. Lots of tests and trials and things. If we thought of something really rare and you went to find it, that could work, right? Especially since you’re technically dead already.”

“Hmm.” Jenny frowns. “The thing is, it would have to be something that would help other people, not just myself. I feel like even if we knew where it was located, it might be difficult to pinpoint a magical item that would do that, and if it’s already lost…” She trails off. “It just seems a little bit risky.”

“You’re probably right,” says Anya, and sighs. “I guess you maybe shouldn’t be taking advice on doing good things from an ex-vengeance demon, huh?”

Jenny’s frown dissipates and she reaches forward. Anya feels a ghostly touch, and realizes that Jenny’s tucked a strand of hair gently behind her ear. Almost maternal, which is weird, because Jenny’s way younger than Anya is. Anya wants to ask if Jenny was ever a teacher, but she’s not sure how much she wants to press her. “You’re a good person,” Jenny says, “and you shouldn’t let your past define you. Sure, it shaped you, but that doesn’t mean you have to comply with what you think it’s made you into.”

“You’re pretty optimistic,” says Anya ruefully.

“I died young,” says Jenny, and quirks a smile at her. “My optimism didn’t have enough time to get crushed.”

Anya’s opening her mouth to say something when Giles says, “Anya, perhaps you and the ghost can have a meaningful conversation after business hours are over.”

“Don’t you dare tell me how to run my shop just because you wish you could talk to Je—” Anya just barely manages to catch herself. “The ghost,” she says hastily.

Giles stops. His face changes ever so slightly. “I’m sorry,” he says carefully, “do you—what is this ghost’s name?”

“Um,” says Anya, and fumbles for the first excuse that comes to mind. “I call her—Jellybean. Sometimes. As a nickname. Which is stupid, so, you know, I just call her the ghost in passing.”

There had been a strange, hopeful light in Giles’s eyes, like he’d wanted something but didn’t dare put it into words, and at Anya’s explanation, it abruptly dissipates. “Ah,” he says. His voice now has a hard edge to it, but it’s shaking. “If you’ll—excuse me, please.” He hurries out of the shop, and Anya is stunned to catch a stifled sob as the front door shuts behind him.

Anya stands, and stares, a heavy, awful feeling in her chest, because she never seems to be able to do anything right. This is the sort of thing that Xander gets mad at her over, when she really just didn’t think, and now she’ll turn and that proud, glowing smile on Jenny’s face won’t ever be for her again.

But Jenny’s got a soft look in her eyes, and Anya follows her line of vision out the door. “I—” Her voice breaks. “I think he wanted it to be me.”

“I’m sorry,” says Anya, looking down. “I didn’t mean to—”

Jenny shakes her head. A new smile is spreading over her face, one that’s almost blinding in the hope it contains. “I didn’t know—that he remembered me,” she says. “I never—” She seems almost speechless.

“You’re quite memorable,” says Anya reassuringly, and pats Jenny’s hand. Or tries to. Her hand passes through Jenny’s. But Jenny turns her head and smiles at Anya and that’s really what counts.

Jenny hangs around the Magic Box, mostly, so she’s not there when Anya and Giles are out on patrol. They’re in a graveyard Anya doesn’t usually frequent when Giles suddenly stops, eyes fixed on a tombstone that doesn’t look quite as old as the other ones around it. Anya stops too, and feels her breath catch in her throat. The tombstone reads JENNIFER CALENDAR in large bronze lettering.

“What is it?” she says, even though she already knows. Her voice comes out unusually trembly instead of the casual nonchalance she’s all but perfected.

Giles smiles. There’s a sadness to it. “A story for another day, I think,” he says simply.

It’s more for Jenny than for herself that Anya asks, “Were you in love with her?”

Giles’s smile fades and he looks down, and at first Anya feels this irrational, frustrating anger rising in her, because Jenny’s sweet and smart and probably way out of Giles’s league anyway, but then Giles says, “I think I still am.”

Anya feels herself grin widely. Giles gives her a strange, perturbed look and she quickly schools her expression into something more sympathetic. “I’m sorry for your loss,” she says, trying to make it sound like she is. After all, it’s not like Giles knows that Jenny’s death isn’t going to be a loss at all, not if Anya and Jenny play their cards right. “How—what happened to her?”

Giles hesitates, then, “She was killed by a vampire.”

Suddenly, Anya finds herself wondering more about Jenny than just what her hair color is. Really, Jenny doesn’t much talk about herself at all. And Anya feels weird about bringing it up with Jenny, because she knows how bad she is at sensitivity and she doesn’t just want to flat-out ask how Jenny died and maybe lose her only real friend, so she asks carefully, “But he didn’t turn her or anything? That seems a little weird.”

Giles looks at her strangely, and Anya thinks she sees that little flicker of hope in his eyes again. Maybe that’s why he’s telling her all this in the first place. Smart guy, she thinks. “She was working to resoul Angelus,” he says, “and Angelus found out, and killed her so that we wouldn’t find out about the work she had done.”

“Oh,” says Anya. She feels a new level of respect for Jenny. Resouling rituals aren’t exactly a piece of cake, and most of them have been lost to the ages. Turns out her ghost friend is a much smarter cookie than she’s been letting on, and that’s saying quite a lot. “She sounds kind of amazing.”

“She was,” says Giles. He’s smiling a bit sadly. “I miss her very much.”

He gives her this little sideways look, then, as though he’s hoping Anya will tell him what he wants to hear without him having to ask it. And Anya wants to, so badly, because now she knows how happy it would make both him and Jenny to be together. But she also knows that if Jenny has a selfish reason to stay before she finds her unselfish reason, then Jenny’s gone for good, so Anya says, “I’m really sorry about that, Giles,” and looks down at her hands, hoping hard that she’s not giving anything at all away.

She’s expecting that to be the end of the conversation, but then Giles says, “It’s strange. I was considering going back to England, but—”

Anya looks up. “But?”

“I can’t quite bring myself to leave the Magic Box,” Giles says awkwardly. “A-and I suspect Buffy needs me more than I know.”

Anya wonders if Giles can feel Jenny, even if he can’t see her. She thinks that knowing this might make Jenny really happy, but doesn’t know if it’s her place to tell. “Buffy really does need you,” she says. “The getting-ripped-out-of-heaven thing can’t exactly be a picnic, and Willow and Tara splitting up was super tense on her too, probably, so it’s good that you’re staying here.”

Giles half-smiles. “Yes,” he says vaguely. His eyes are still fixed on Jenny’s grave.

The problem with Jenny hanging around the Magic Box, which Anya figures out the next day, is that Giles hangs around the Magic Box too, so Anya can’t exactly talk to Jenny about Giles still being in love with her when Giles is taking inventory or reorganizing the stock. She does try and communicate with Jenny via significant looks at Giles, but Jenny gives her amusedly quizzical looks in return like she thinks this is some sort of game, which it isn’t. It’s all incredibly frustrating for Anya.

Anya eventually (reluctantly) decides to put aside the Giles stuff, because she really shouldn’t tell Jenny about it anyway, and it’s possible that Jenny might not believe her, so she decides to address an equally pressing matter. “The wedding’s in two weeks,” she tells Jenny, turning to her in the middle of a Scooby meeting, “and I’d like you to be my maid of honor.”

“Is this more ghost stuff?” Xander asks with bemusement before Jenny can answer. “Not that I’m against you having a ghost bridesmaid, Ahn, but I feel like it could be a bit confusing.”

“Tell Xander I can wear a dress like nobody’s business,” says Jenny seriously.

“The ghost says that she can wear a dress like nobody’s business,” Anya informs Xander. “And I agree.”

“Yeah, well, how do we explain that to my non-demon relatives?” Xander replies, as though that’s the end of the discussion.

“You know what, Xander, Jen—” Anya just barely manages to catch herself. “—ybean is very important to me!” she finishes with conviction.

Buffy giggles. “Did you say Jennybean?” she says.

Anya doesn’t dare look at Giles. “I mean Jellybean,” she says. “I’m just a little muddled from all the wedding planning. Jellybean the ghost, who is a wonderful friend and who I want as my maid of honor.”

“You realize you can’t bring this up with my parents,” Xander says. “Can’t Jellybean the ghost just…I don’t know, wear an invisible dress or something?”

“Tell Xander I’m gonna haunt the hell out of his wedding if he doesn’t let you make decisions about what you want,” says Jenny, who suddenly looks very angry for a reason Anya only halfway understands.

“Jellybean says she’s going to—”

“Can you not say Jellybean?” says Xander. “It just makes this conversation weirder.”

Anya hesitates, then, “I’ll figure out a way to make her an invisible dress. Will that work?”

“Fine,” says Xander exasperatedly. “Sure. Just don’t talk to your invisible friend Jellybean in front of my parents and I think we’ll be good.”

Anya bites her lip to keep from saying that it’s not Jellybean, it’s Jenny, and none of you know how many secrets I’m keeping just to keep her alive, and nods instead. The Scoobies go back to talking about the latest demonic threat, and she turns back to Jenny. “I’m tired,” she says, keeping her voice quiet so that only Jenny can hear. “I want you to be my maid of honor. If they knew who you were—”

Jenny blanches. “You know I can’t do that,” she says.

“But if they knew—”

“Any of the kids find out and they’ll be furious at you, Anya,” says Jenny. “They’ll say that it wasn’t your secret to keep. Until they hear directly from me that this is what I wanted—until they can hear things directly from me—please, please don’t tell them.”

“I don’t like compromising,” says Anya. “Or waiting. I don’t like either of those things at all.”

“I know,” says Jenny, and there’s a touch of sad fondness in her smile. “I want to figure this out as much as you do. More, possibly, since it’s my life that’s on the line,” she adds, her voice joking but her words serious.

Anya nods. “You’re very important to me, that’s all,” she says finally. Love and friendship are two things that are still a bit unusual to her as a human. Dispassionate anger was what fueled her as a vengeance demon, and it was what made her one of the best in the business.

Jenny smiles. Then she says, “I’d make myself alive again just for your wedding, if I could, but I’m not sure that counts as a selfless act.”

“Well,” begins Anya uncertainly. And that’s when she gets her idea.

The thing about Anya’s plan is that no one can know every single piece of the puzzle. Jenny can’t know that she’s talking to Giles, Giles can’t know what she’s telling Xander, and Xander definitely, definitely can’t tell anyone what she’s just told him.

“Ms. Calendar is the ghost?” says Xander disbelievingly.

“Yes, but please don’t tell anyone,” Anya says, a begging note in her voice that she might have been embarrassed by were the stakes not so high. “Please, Xander. If she knows that I told anyone it’s her, she’ll get really mad at me.”

“So you’re telling me,” says Xander slowly, “that you’ve been trying to resurrect Ms. Calendar and find some kind of a selfless act all by yourself? No help from the Scoobies?”

He sounds almost surprised, like he didn’t know she was capable of keeping such a big secret, and it angers Anya, but she shoves that anger to the side. Nothing’s more important than making sure Jenny’s okay. “Listen,” she says. “I’m only telling you this so you’ll agree to make her the maid of honor. We’re going to get her a nice dress, and treat her like a guest, and—”

“Ahn, just because I know what’s going on now doesn’t change the fact that you can’t have a ghost as your bridesmaid,” says Xander with an irritating note of placating patience in his voice. “That’s just not something that happens at a Harris wedding.”

“What about all of my demon relatives?” Anya demands. “What about a Jenkins wedding? We’re starting our own family, Xander, and it doesn’t matter what yours thinks of me.”

“Not to you,” says Xander quietly.

Anya breathes out. Places a hand on Xander’s shoulder. Reminds herself that loving Xander is how she started to understand being a human. “I know,” she says. “I know you care. But Jenny’s life is on the line. This isn’t just about our wedding anymore, this is about my friend, and I don’t want her to have to be a lonely ghost who only lets herself talk to me.”

“Anya—”

“She misses Giles so much. And he misses her too. He took me to see her tombstone, you know, and I think he’s starting to guess that it’s her haunting his shop. Either that, or he just really, really wants it to be her. Maybe both.”

“We can’t—”

“We can,” says Anya with conviction. “And we will. I got a second chance, remember? I want to give that second chance to Jenny too.”

Xander sighs. Then he says, “Can we at least put something that isn’t Jellybean the Ghost on her wedding invitation?”

Anya kisses him.

“I’m sorry?”

“If a ghost showed herself to everyone at my wedding, that wouldn’t be a selfish reason on the ghost’s part, right?” Anya repeats. “If she made herself visible to everyone, even when she doesn’t want you to see her.”

“Me specifically, or just people besides you in general?” Giles asks in a strange way.

Anya isn’t sure whether she wants to kick him or grin at him, because his perception is pretty impressive but it’s also distracting from the more important question. “Just people in general,” she says. “If she’s afraid of what people will think of her, and afraid that she might disappear if she lets people see her for who she is, but she makes herself visible for the people at my wedding for my sake, would that count as a selfless act?”

“I—suppose so.” Giles polishes his glasses. “I’m entirely unsure as to why you’re asking me this, Anya. This seems like a fairly straightforward question.”

“Oh, you’ll understand later,” Anya replies easily. She can’t stop grinning. Things are finally, finally falling into place, even if Jenny doesn’t know it yet.  

Except then they hit a hitch, which is that Jenny flat-out refuses to let herself be seen. Anya begs, she pleads, she goes off on a tangent about maid-of-honor duties (because the thing about a selfless act is that you can’t let the person know it’s a selfless act, you have to have them do it themselves), but Jenny just—won’t.

“It’s my life,” she says. There’s a sadness in her voice. “I’m sorry, Anya, but this is too much for you to ask of me.”

Anya knows how it must look to Jenny. Like she’s willing to put Jenny’s life at risk for the wedding. “I love you so much,” she says, trying and trying to give Jenny some kind of hint. “And you won’t do this one thing for me?”

“No, I won’t risk my life to be your maid of honor,” says Jenny somewhat testily. “I think that’s a reasonable decision for me to make.”

Anya really, really hates the part of the selfless act where it has to be of the person’s own volition, because right now she wants to just blurt out what she’s trying to get Jenny to do and watch Jenny’s face light up in comprehension. She doesn’t want to start a fight two days before the wedding. “Just—” She sighs. “I want you there.”

“I know.” Jenny looks sympathetic and understanding, which is exasperating, because once again Anya’s got information that no one else has even considered might exist. It sucks when this time it’s Anya’s true-blue best friend who’s underestimating her. “And I promise I’ll be there. I just can’t let the wedding guests see me.”

Anya swallows hard. This is fine. It really is. There are plenty more opportunities for a selfless act. It’s just that it seemed so poetic, so perfect, to have Jenny come back to life on Anya’s wedding day. Anya had this secret little mental image of Giles and Jenny’s wonderful, passionate reunion, of Jenny and Anya both having a first dance on the same dance floor—Anya dancing with her husband for the first time, Jenny dancing alive for the first time—of Jenny and Anya getting to share a happy day together.

It’ll be okay, though. Anya’s not giving up on Jenny. She smiles, and says, “I’m sorry. I guess the bridal planning’s been getting to me. Of course I shouldn’t expect you to risk your life for my wedding.”

She turns it into a joke, ever so neatly—silly Anya, what was I thinking? She’s gotten ever so good at that lately. Jenny’s face relaxes, but the thing is that she doesn’t join Anya in when it comes to laughing at her mistake, she just says that she knows Anya’s under a lot of pressure and she hopes the wedding will make things better.

Anya loves Jenny so much in that moment. And she is glad that Jenny’s coming to her wedding, even if it’s not going to be the perfect fairytale ending for Jenny. It’s Anya’s perfect fairytale ending, too, and somewhere along the line she forgot about that.

Anya gets swept up in wedding planning and dress fittings and it’s a delightful kind of fun, even if when she’s putting on her gown her maid of honor is watching by the door instead of helping her put it on. Jenny can’t really do much with the helping, especially since Tara thought it was kind of creepy to watch Anya’s dress put itself on, so she’s kind of just relaxing by the door in her bridesmaid’s dress.

There had been a special ritual and everything just to get Jenny’s dress into the afterlife. It involved a lot of burning and praying, and it took nearly three hours, but it was worth it to see Jenny’s smile as she twirled in her new dress—Jenny hadn’t worn anything besides what she was now laughingly calling her “deathday suit” for a very long time. She’d even figured out a way to tie up her hair.

It’s gorgeous. It’s wonderful. It’s a beautiful day, even if it’s raining. Rain on a wedding is pretty, and it makes the indoors seem so much more lovely and cozy. Anya’s bubbling over with happy delight, and she looks a picture in her gown, everyone says so, and,

 and,

  and Xander leaves.

 And it’s only when Anya’s standing by herself in that hallway, the one that had seemed so perfect and beautiful, with a gash on her arm and a horrible, leaden feeling in her chest, that she feels a hand slip into hers.

“Come on,” says Jenny gently. “Come on, sweetie, we have to tell them.”

Anya looks up at her. There’s something different about Jenny that she isn’t completely able to register. Sort of a quiet kind of glow. “I can’t,” she says in a small, broken voice.

“Okay, then I’ll tell them,” says Jenny, sad and playful at the same time, as though trying to lighten the mood while knowing she really can’t. Smart lady. “Come on.” She tugs on Anya’s hand. Anya almost starts crying at that. “Come on, Anya. You’re strong, and you look so beautiful today. Come on.”

Anya shakes her head.

Jenny starts walking, and Anya follows, still in a little bit of a daze. She notices the quiet exclamations as they enter, sees Giles drop the glass of wine he’s holding with a resounding crash. Jenny grits her teeth, and her voice is shaking when she says, “I’m sorry to inform everyone that the wedding won’t be happening today.”

“Jenny?” says Giles. His voice is shaking. Suddenly, Anya realizes what Jenny’s done—is doing, for her—and she forgets for a moment about Xander, because no one has ever done something like this. She’d never have thought Jenny would do something like this.

“Jenny, don’t—” she begins, some part of her afraid that this won’t be enough for the Powers. That she’ll lose Jenny too today, and she can’t.

“Shh.” Jenny squeezes her arm. “Trying out the whole courage thing.” She fixes her eyes on a stunned Willow. “If we could all just pack up the chairs?” she continues. “You know, fold them up and stuff? I really don’t want Anya to have to pay for all the damage done to this place. I think there are still some scorch marks on the floor.”

Jenny’s glowing more now. Golden and bright.

“No,” says Anya. There’s a desperation in her voice. “Jenny, please, please don’t—”

“I’m here for you,” says Jenny quietly, turning to Anya. She tucks Anya’s hair behind her ear in that same comforting way. “Always. And if those Powers think this is a selfish reason to stay, I’ll fight my way back down here so we can have tea and watch movies and cry about Xander, okay? You’re my best friend, and I want to be here for you.”

Anya just straight-up starts crying. It’s not the graceful kind of crying, either. This is tears and snot and it’s actually pretty gross. She falls forward a little into Jenny’s arms, and Jenny hugs her tightly, and that’s when it hits Anya that ghosts don’t generally hug people all that well.

She looks up, still crying. Jenny has hair the color of dark chocolate and eyes to match, and Anya thinks a little vaguely oh, okay, that’s what she looks like before she goes back to crying again.

“Jenny,” Anya hears a voice say again, and now she’s doing her best to pull herself together, because this is the moment that she’s worked so hard for. If she can’t be happy, not in the way she wants, then she at least wants to see the look on Jenny’s face right now, so Anya finally pulls her head up and muffles her sobs with her hand. She steps away from Jenny.

“Anya—” says Jenny with some concern. She hasn’t yet noticed the way Giles is looking at her, like she’s the moon and the stars come down to earth just for him.

And Anya smiles.

D’Hoffryn comes to Anya a few days later, when Jenny and Giles are making cookies in Anya’s apartment and getting into a giggly argument about how much sugar is reasonable for baking. Giles is calling Jenny a heathen for not letting him put in five cups and Jenny’s telling him that that’s no way to speak of the dead and Giles is saying well, she isn’t dead anymore, so he’s perfectly within reason to call her anything he wants, and Anya misses Xander like a hole in her chest but for the first time in her life, she feels like she’s some part of a weird little family.

She hears the knock at the door. “I’ll get it,” she says cheerfully. “You two crazy kids don’t burn the house down or anything.”

Giles looks lighter and happier than Anya’s ever seen him. “Certainly not,” he says, and his hand brushes against Jenny’s on the kitchen counter. Jenny ducks her head and smiles.

It’s D’Hoffryn at the door. “I’m so sorry to hear about Xander,” he begins.

“I’m not in the business anymore,” says Anya firmly, and shuts the door. Vengeance demons don’t have time to finish baking cookies with their friends, and Anya the human wants to make sure Jenny doesn’t skimp on the sugar.