#tara lewis angst

[heartralvez]

my magnum opus

[starchaser45]

After the believers kidnapping

Emily: I know this is a difficult time but I need to make a psyche evaluation so you guys can be back on the field , so how are you guys doing

Penelope: I'm so scared I thought we were gonna die and I'm still not over running someone over and I can't stay a long time without contacting Spencer cause I think he's dead*deep breath* I'm just not doing okay

Emily: okay understandable take as much time as you want off its okay, and you Spence

Spencer: auh you know I'm fine like you know been there done that you get me

Tara*who was only in there because Emily knew this was gonna happen*: no Reid we don't get you

Spencer: you know once you've been kidnapped by a religious nut you've been kidnapped but all of them and that's like my third time second and a half I don't know if liberty ranch count *awkward laugh*

Emily*sigh*: I knew this was gonna happen

Tara: Spencer are you okay

Spencer: psychological, physically, mentally what are we talking about because all no BUT I'm ready to work 👉

Emily*looking at Tara*: keeping the sabbatical

Tara: for sure, pen sweetheart whenever you need us you call us or you'll end up like him

Penelope*scared nodding*

[0o-junebug-o0]

It's A Beautiful Thing

summary: Emily struggles to come to terms with her sexuality and goes to Tara for help after a disastrous hookup

genre: hurt/comfort

cw: internalized homophobia, comp het (compulsory heterosexuality), implied/referenced sexual assault (NOTHING HAPPENS it's just assumed that it did), religious trauma, religious guilt, mentions of pregnancy, mentions of abortion, using sex as a coping mechanism, unhealthy relationships to sex, Jemily mentions, coming out, unrequited love (or at least it's believed to be)

wordcount: 1.9k

Emily sits on the corner of the bed and sighs as she pulls her pants back on. Her whole body feels wrong and she wants to leave. She looks over at the door to the ensuite bathroom and listens to the sound of the shower running. She shouldn’t leave while he’s still in the shower. That would be cruel. It’s not like he was bad or did anything she didn’t want, it just didn’t feel right. 

She picks her bra off the floor and looks around for the first time as she clasps it behind her back. The whole room is painfully male. She hates it. And she hates that she hates it. 

Emily closes her eyes and runs her fingers through her hair to detangle it as best as possible. Her chest feels tight and she leans forward, burying her face in her hands and tucking her head between her knees. The sound of the shower feels like it’s drilling into her skull and the smell of sex that surrounds her makes her feel sick.

She presses her hand over her mouth and chokes on a small sob. She needs to leave, she needs to get out of here. She lifts her head and takes a deep breath before picking up her shirt and pulling it over her head. She then grabs her purse from where she’d discarded it in the corner of the room and pulls out her phone. 

An idea strikes her and she slips her phone into her pocket before knocking on the bathroom door. “Jackson?” Emily calls out, keeping her voice steady with practiced ease despite feeling like she’s about to implode.

The water shuts off. “Yeah?” he calls back.

Emily squeezes her eyes shut for a moment before speaking. “I’m so sorry. I have to go. I just got a call from work.”

“Yeah, yeah, you should go,” Jackson says sounding surprisingly okay at the thought of her leaving. “Go kick some ass.”

Emily opens her eyes and pinches the bridge of her nose. “I will. I’ll call you,” she lies.

“Yeah! Yeah! Just lock the door on the way out, you can do it from the inside.” There’s silence for a moment before the shower turns back on. Almost immediately, Emily rushes out of the room and out of Jackson’s apartment, making sure to lock the door.

She takes the stairs instead of the elevator, unable to stand the thought of standing still for a moment longer than necessary. After five floors she makes it to the basement level parking lot and she thanks her past self for not drinking because her car is here and that means she can leave now. 

Emily unlocks her car and throws her purse into the passenger seat not caring that it immediately slides to the floor. She climbs inside and closes the door behind her before slamming the heels of her palms against the steering wheel. 

“Fuck!” she cries, curling her hands into her hair. She feels like she’s about to explode. Everything is so wrong and she doesn’t know how to fix it. Sex with Jackson was supposed to fix it but that just made it worse and now she feels gross and dirty through no fault of his. A strangled scream tears its way up her throat. Why does she have to be like this? Why can’t she just be normal? Why can’t she just have sex with men and enjoy it?

Tears pool in her eyes and Emily angrily swipes them away. She needs to leave, to get far away from this stupid apartment complex. She starts the car and it takes nearly all of her self-control not to tear out of the parking lot. She’s already distracted, adding speeding on top of that would be a recipe for disaster. She needs to talk to someone. She wants to talk to JJ but she won’t understand and Will and the boys will be there and she just can’t. 

Emily parks along the edge of the road and pulls out her phone, opening her texts with Tara. She stares at the screen for a moment before typing, “Can I come over?” and hitting send. Emily closes her eyes and tries to calm herself while she waits for Tara’s reply. Her hands squeeze a white-knuckled grip on her steering wheel and each breath rattles in her chest. 

Her phone buzzes in her hand and she looks down.

“Come on over.”

Emily shuts her phone off and drops it into the cup holder between the seats. She wipes away the tears that had managed to fall and, checking to see if the road is clear, does a U-turn and drives toward Tara’s house. 

The turmoil Emily is experiencing makes the drive feel simultaneously seconds and hours long. She turns onto Tara’s street and parks along the curb in front of her house. She leaves her purse in the car, only grabbing her phone and keys, before climbing out and walking up the steps to Tara’s front door, locking her car behind her.

The closer she gets to the door the more panicked and ashamed she feels and by the time she knocks, she’s barely holding it together. The door swings open and Tara takes in her appearance with wide eyes and clear concern. Emily opens her mouth to speak but all that comes out is a choked sob. Tara pulls her into a hug and Emily nearly collapses in her arms. 

They stand there for a while, Emily sobbing into Tara’s shoulder, as they stand on the threshold of her house. Eventually, Emily’s crying subsides and Tara leads her inside with a hand around her waist, closing the door behind them. Tara guides Emily into the living room and onto the couch, keeping her arm around her. 

Emily leans forward to rest her head in her hands and Tara pulls her hand away to brush Emily’s hair to the side and tug on the collar of her shirt. “Emily,” Tara says softly. “Did someone—”

Emily shakes her head, recognizing the voice Tara uses when speaking to victims and realizing that there must be a hickey on her neck. That combined with the state she’s in: it’s only natural Tara assumed something had happened. “No. It was–it was consensual. It just–“ Her voice breaks.

Tara doesn’t speak, waiting silently for Emily to continue. 

“It just felt wrong,” Emily whispers. She keeps her head bowed, too ashamed to look up at her friend. “How did you do it?” 

“I’m afraid I don’t understand what you mean,” Tara says kindly. 

Emily uncovers her face and sits back against the couch, chewing on one of her nails. The tightness in her chest is still there and she doesn’t know how to say it. She doesn’t know how to ask the question she so desperately needs to ask without sounding offensive.

“You can speak your mind, Emily,” Tara says. 

Emily chuckles. Thank God for profilers.

She pinches the bridge of her nose with her free hand. “How did you let yourself be with a woman?” she whispers. 

Tara is silent for a moment. “I don’t know how to answer that question.”

Emily sighs. “I think I’m gay.” She opens her eyes and looks over to Tara to gauge her reaction. She knows she’ll be fine with it, she has a girlfriend for Christ’s sake. But this is the first time Emily’s ever said those words out loud and she’s terrified. 

Tara nods and smiles softly at her but doesn’t speak and Emily knows she can tell that she hasn’t finished saying everything she needs to.

“I’ve tried so hard not to be,” Emily admits. “I’ve had boyfriends, I’ve had sex with men.” She lets out a pained laugh. “I’ve even gotten knocked up. Did you know that, Tara? When I was fifteen and living in Italy, I dated a boy I didn’t like because I wanted to fit in and stop thinking about a girl. And we had sex that I wanted but didn’t like and he got me pregnant. My friend helped me get an abortion. All that because I didn’t want to acknowledge the fact that I liked a girl. And–and I’m doing the same thing now! I went to a bar and went home with this guy to have sex that I wanted but didn’t like, all because I want to stop thinking about a girl. Like maybe if I let enough men fuck me I’ll stop liking women. I–I know that’s not how that works and I know being gay isn’t something that needs to be fixed but I feel like I need to be.”

“Emily,” Tara says gently. “There is nothing wrong with you.”

Emily sighs. “I know that, Tara.”

“I know you know that, but I think you need to hear it. There is nothing wrong with you for liking women. I know it’s hard and it will take time but you are going to have to accept the fact that you’re gay. You can’t keep doing what you’ve been doing. It’s not healthy. And it’s not fair to yourself or to the men you’ve having sex with.”

Emily nods, leaning forward to rest her elbows on her knees. “I know it’s not. It’s just my whole life I’ve been thinking that maybe this guy, maybe this time it won’t feel wrong. Maybe this time I won’t feel gross and–and—“

She shakes her head, unsure of how to finish. 

“I know there won’t ever be a ‘this guy’ or a ‘this time’. It won’t ever feel right with a man. But that scares me, Tara. I don’t know why it scares me but it does.”

“Because it’s a scary thing. Realizing and accepting a part of yourself you tried to push away is scary and it’s hard. Especially if you’ve spent a good portion of your life hearing that that part of you was wrong like I suspect you have.”

Emily nods. “Catholic guilt,” she whispers.

“Catholic guilt,” Tara echos. “I don’t know if you still believe in God, Emily, but in case you need to hear it: you wouldn’t be gay if it wasn’t God’s intention. He made you exactly the way you’re supposed to be.”

A violent sob forces itself from Emily’s chest and she can feel her whole body shaking with the force of her crying as Tara pulls her against her chest. Emily doesn’t know if she believes in a God anymore either but knowing He doesn’t hate her fills her with relief.

Emily doesn’t know how long she and Tara stay like that, holding each other close as Tara runs her hands through her hair. But eventually, Emily’s sobs subside into sniffles. 

“It’s JJ, isn’t it?” Tara asks softly.

Emily stiffens and sits up. Tara’s hand falls into her lap. 

“What?”

“The woman you’re trying not to think about. It’s JJ, isn’t it?”

Emily opens and closes her mouth before slowly nodding. 

Tara looks across the room to a photo of her and her girlfriend. “It’s a beautiful thing, loving a woman. Don’t you think?” 

Tara looks back over to Emily, who is still looking at the photo. 

Eventually, Emily nods.

__________________

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[phantompoguefangirl]

GREEN LIGHT-SPENCER REID

'Love compels cruelty To those who do not understand love.'

'I learn a great deal by merely observing you, and letting you talk as long as you please, and taking note of what you do not say.'

'In my end is my beginning.'

T.S. Eliot

A/N: Based on the episodes Green Light and Red light and basically that whole section of Season 12. Fluff and ANGST. This is also on my wattpad SerpentBeauty1710 and will be on my AO3, MayaGillespieReid

**********************************

Y/N POV:

Nothing could have prepared me for any of this.

Not for the way my soul left my body when the words "Spencer is in jail in Mexico" came out of Emily's horrified mouth.

Not for the anxiety being stuck home waiting for answers when half the team went down to get him.

Not for the relief and yet underlying tornado of emotions when the beautiful, kind and innocent boy wonder, the love of my life, my sweet Spencer...walked into the BAU in handcuffs.

The frustration when my short legs and rapidly expanding belly wouldn't let me get to him faster. The pain when he couldn't hug me back, then the love and desperation I felt him return by nuzzling his face into my neck as best he could while his bound hands caressed my bump. The soft but urgent warmth of his lips as I reached up to kiss him. The brief touch of his forehead to mine and the whispered reassurances right before Emily led him back to the elevator.

The way I broke down sobbing when the judge denied bail.

And the agony of waiting, of knowing he was so close to home and not being able to hold him or keep him safe. And on top of that, the stress of not knowing if he would get out in time, if at all...

The team did their best to support me through it and took turns helping with Diana when they could, along with the caregiver Spencer and I had hired for her. We had decided to move into a house with a mother in law suite for Diana when Spencer brought her to live with us in DC. We'd agreed Diana would do better with her own space and it ended up being a really good thing we moved. The team helped me finish settling in. Garcia was all over decorating, Emily JJ  and Tara helped me organize everything, Derek and our new agent Luke handled any repairs and/or replacements that needed done and Rossi brought his delicious food regularly. Hotch had very recently gone into in witsec with Jack, but I knew he'd be here helping too if he could.

I smiled appreciatively at the thought of our friends as I struggled to roll out of bed and padded to the kitchen for breakfast. I was grabbing a croissant from the container when I felt a small pinch in my neck and everything went dark.

The next thing I knew, I was waking up in what seemed to be a trunk. I was going to kick a tail light out or or scream or something but my hands and feet were tied up and there was duct tape over my mouth. It was cold, much more so probably due to the fact that I was only in a tank top and pajama shorts.

I didn't recognize my captors' voices but I tried to listen to the youngish girl and older man when they spoke. They mostly talked in low tones so it was difficult, but I heard them whisper Diana's name and something about the caregiver which caused my heart and stomach to constrict in terror. I wanted to scream at them to tell me where my mother in law was, but I knew it would probably do no good and I still had the tape on my mouth anyway.

What felt like days(but was probably only hours) passed and the only respite I had was when the man moved me to a different trunk and removed the tape before holding the phone to my ear. I recognized the phone number on the screen.

"Spencer?" I whimpered, shifting umcomfortably as the man held on to the ropes around me.

"Y/N, are you okay?!" He cried out desperately.

"Yeah we're okay, I think," I answered softly. "But Spencer, they have Mom. I don't know where, she's not with me but-"

The man shoved the tape back over my mouth and closed the trunk. I thought I heard Diana's scared voice right before he took the phone away, which was odd. I did hear a gunshot right outside a second later though, followed by a loud explosion, before the vehicle I was in roared to life and was suddenly in motion.

I tried to mentally document all of my surroundings, while simultaneously looking around for something to cut my bindings with, in order to keep myself from panicking. However, every so often the tightening feeling would return and I felt like I couldn't breathe.

Spencer's soft voice in my mind reassured me and reminded me how amazing our team is, which helped to soothe me a little. That led me to distract myself with thoughts of my wonderful husband. Of every little thing about him that I was so in love with. Things like his ridiculously cute laugh, our shared fascination with books and learning, the way he loved so deeply with his entire heart, his gentle kindness, his relentless determination, etc. One of my favorite things was the expression on his face whenever he concentrated hard on anything or whenever he was deep in thought. The way his brow furrowed while he rested his chin on his folded hand, every so often running his thumb or knuckle across his bottom lip or sometimes against his chin. I'd never seen him do this so intensely until the day he figured out this special puzzle box I'd had made for him.

*FLASHBACK*

It took me a bit to think of a good way to tell him the news. I didn't want to just say the words or show him the test or something simple. I wanted it to be as special as he was to me. It was a conversation we'd had about Sherlock Holmes that finally gave me the idea. I created a little scavenger hunt for him, the last clue of which was a puzzle box for him to solve. He loved puzzles and riddles. The answer to open the box was a phrase that he would have to guess.

He figured out the clues to the hunt much faster than expected, but the puzzle box actually took him quite a while to figure out. He got so determined to crack it that he brought it to work, unbeknownst to me. I was shocked when I walked into the round table room(I'd stopped in the break room for some tea which we were sadly out of) and found him studying it, eyebrows furrowed very deeply, head on hand and thumb brushing against his lip while Garcia and Hotch were briefing us on a case. I tried not to stare at him, because let's be honest it was unbelievably hot when he looked like that, and silently hoped he would not crack the code till later. Of course I had no such luck. He was a genius after all.

"I'm pregnant? What? I'm not-" Spencer suddenly said out loud, causing us all to stop and look at him. He was silenced by the box unlocking as he finished turning the small knobs to the correct letters. He saw what was inside and his eyes grew to the size of bowling balls as he picked it up. His face snapped up to look at me and he jumped out of his seat at the same time. "YOU'RE PREGNANT?!"

Everyone gaped at us. I froze, having not even made it into a chair yet.

"I...um...yeah," I managed to get out after a moment.

Spencer's mouth dropped open and his eyes somehow softened while staying wide. His floppy brown curls made him look even more like a puppy as he reached for me and squeaked out the word "Really?"

My heart melted, every emotion flooding to the surface, as I stepped closer to him.

"Yeah really. We're gonna have a baby, Spence," I said softly, smiling tentatively.

A gasp escaped Spencer's lips as he pulled me into his arms and spun me around while everyone cheered. He set me down and kissed me passionately through happy tears before the team engulfed us in hugs.

"Congratulations, you two," Hotch said, revealing a rare, genuine smile.

"Tanta Felicità!" Rossi exclaimed in Italian as he kissed our cheeks.

"You guys! This is amazing!" JJ said, "You're gonna be great parents!"

Tara echoed this enthusiastically, affectionately wrapping her arms around us for a brief moment before backing up.

"Wow, I was totally kidding when I asked if you wanted little baby geniuses some day. I'm so glad I was right though. This is wonderful news!" Emily quipped, grinning.

"BABY GENIUS THERE IS GOING TO BE A BABY GENIUS OH MY GOD I'M SO HAPPY FOR YOU RIGHT NOW OH MY GOD!" Penelope all but screeched as she embraced us tightly, continuing to ramble. "Auntie Penelope is gonna spoil the heck out of this little one just like I do with Henry and Michael! I hope it's a girl but as long as he or she is healthy that's all that really matters."

"Way to go, Pretty Boy. I didn't know you had it in you!" Morgan joked once Garcia was done, clapping Spencer on the shoulder as we all giggled. "But I couldn't be happier for you both."

"Thanks man," Spencer chuckled, as he looked down at the object in his hands and teared up some more.

"What is it?" Morgan asked. Nobody had seemed to notice the object before but now they all zeroed in on it.

"A onesie?" JJ asked.

"It says 'Daddy's little Genius'...Daddy... I'm gonna be a dad...," Spencer murmured, smiling in that adorable way he does when he's emotional.

A chorus of awwwws filled the room followed by them scruffing Spencer's hair or clapping him on the shoulders again. I also received more hugs and a couple kisses on the head from Morgan and Rossi.

Hotch let us celebrate for a second, and celebrated with us, before drawing our attention back to the case at hand. Of course, Penelope told us we were having a real celebration when we got back and would not take no for an answer. And that's exactly what we did.

I hadn't meant for everyone to find out like that, but it ended up being the happiest moment in my life so far.

The memory faded as the tightening intensified. It felt like a weight pressing on me, like I wasn't going to be able to relax until I knew that Diana was safe. If anything happened to her, I wasn't sure what the hell I would do. She'd been doing so much better and she'd been absolutely over the moon upon learning she was going to be a grandmother. She'd nearly screamed out joyfully when we told her the news. She'd insisted that Spencer and I take turns reading to the baby every day and when Spencer was away, she took his place, picking up wherever he left off while I rested. Diana was genuinely wonderful and I was not violent by nature but I would go absolutely feral on anyone who hurt her, even in my current condition.

I tried to keep distracting myself with thoughts of Spencer and eventually began to doze off.

SPENCER POV:

I realized who the girl was as soon as she left the visiting room with my mother. I contacted the team as soon as possible to let them know, unable to keep from panicking.

Convincing them to believe me and the wait for news was excruciating but that was nothing compared to what I felt when Emily visited to update me on everything.

As soon as she walked in the room, I could see that something was very wrong, aside from Lindsey taking my mom. I think subconsciously I already knew what it was when I first saw Lindsey, but I couldn't bear to let myself even consider it.

"We found your caregiver dead in a house just a few houses down from yours. Ballistics came back and turns out Lindsey used her father's gun. We don't know whether it was to prove a point or something else, but the reasons are unimportant." Emily began, urging me to sit. I politely refused and she continued, "The point is that you were right, Reid. You were right and I didn't believe you. I'm so sorry."

"She's a daddy's girl. She can't help but use his gun," I mused out loud, going over the memories of her case in my mind.

"Good. That's good. That helps," Emily said, but there was something about her voice that alerted me.

I sat there across the table, shaking at this point, but I made myself look at her. "There's something else you're not telling me, isn't there?"

Emily looked down, hesitating for a second before answering.

"It's Y/N," she finally said, holding back tears,"Lindsey took her too."

My heart stopped. I heard Emily shout my name but couldn't focus on her at all. I couldn't think. I couldn't even pull oxygen into my lungs.

This was not happening.

This could not be happening.

Not my wife... not our baby...

I felt a hand on my arm. I shoved it off of me.

"You have to find them, Emily. Promise me you'll find my mom and Y/N." I begged, desperately.

"I promise you, Reid. We will find them," Emily assured me. "Right now you just have to find a way to isolate yourself."

I stormed toward the door and had the guard take me back to my cell.

I ended up having to make it look like Shaw stabbed me with a shiv to get put in solitary confinement. I couldn't handle anything else happening and I had to least try and stay safe on the off chance I got to get out and search for my wife and mom. Not that I had any hope that I would get out at this point in time, but I trusted my team with everything and I knew they would not rest till they found my family.

Sometime later, I found myself being brought out of isolation without any warning and I was terrified that Shaw had conjured up his own way to get to me. The guard left me in a room alone and I tried to remain calm, bracing myself for what was to come.

I was not prepared for my best friend to walk through the door.

"We're taking you home," JJ choked out as her eyes watered.

I let out a breath I didn't know I had been holding as I pulled her into a tight hug. After a minute, she led me out the door and took me back to the BAU.

The sense of ease at seeing my work family again, especially the radiant embodiment of sunshine that was Penelope Garcia, was brief. It was soon overshadowed by unbridled rage when we discovered that Cat Adams was the true mastermind behind all of this.

She had Lindsey frame me for murder.

She had me put in prison.

She risked my sobriety by drugging me.

She had Lindsey kidnap my family.

Now, she was demanding to speak to me by using them as leverage.

Of course she wanted to play a game just like we did before when I arrested her, using my watch as the timer. She was angry that I'd outsmarted her so she wanted to break me. I was not about to let her have even a sliver of satisfaction.

She almost succeeded, however, when she revealed she was pregnant with my child.

Almost.

Apparently she'd told Lindsey to pretend to be Y/N after she dosed me with drugs so she could collect a sample from me down in Mexico. I knew it should not be possible, but I had been drugged and my memories of that day were still very hazy so I couldn't be sure.

"That's right, Y/N's not the only one carrying a baby protegé," Cat said in almost a sing song voice as I rushed out of the room. "I was thinking, if it's a boy, Spencie Junior. Or if it's a girl, Y/N. You know, since she played a part in her own conception."

JJ was waiting outside with Cat's file, hesitantly holding it up. I barely heard the words she said as I read it, then threw it against the wall once I saw the confirmation of pregnancy.

"Sorry," I said gently, upon noticing I had scared JJ. I ran my fingers through my hair. "I just...just need a minute."

JJ just nodded in understanding.

Some time later, the team discovered that Cat was lying about the child being mine and we eventually got her to call her cohort for proof of life.

My heart swelled when I heard the love of my life's voice on the other end of the phone.

"Yeah we're okay, I think," she answered softly. Dread filled me at her next words. "But Spencer they have Mom. I don't know where, she's not with me but-

She'd conferenced in the call for my mom too and their voices made me hopeful for a second before both calls were cut off with explosions.

I forced the metal table out of my way before shoving Cat against the wall by her throat.

"I'm gonna kill you," I hissed, enraged once more. "I'm gonna kill you."

I kept repeating that until JJ pried me off of Cat, reminding me over and over that she was pregnant.

I stormed out again with JJ hot on my heels. I didn't have time to break down before the team told us that there was a call in about an amber alert Emily put out for Lindsey. Two vehicles at the scene were blown up but the only victim inside was male.

I felt bad for the man who was killed, but this meant there was hope again.

JJ and I talked some things through and pieced together what Cat really wanted me to say. While I told Cat what she wanted to hear, the team discovered the prison guard who had actually been the one to impregnate Cat and found two properties he owned.

I won the game by telling Cat that I could have done several different things to get out of the situation with Shaw and his men but I chose the one that would cause the most pain. In the process, Lindsey overheard us on Emily's tablet which had been connected to the visiting room cameras, realizing Cat betrayed her and therefore giving up.

As I was heading out, Cat piped up again. "How are you going to be a father now that you've proven you enjoyed hurting those men in prison? I mean, because once you've crossed that line, you can never go back."

In a split second I was on my knees in front of her, yanking my watch off of her wrist.

"Watch me," I retorted before walking out.

The team found my mom first and they let me see her briefly, then they took her to the hospital to make sure she was okay. We went to a secondary location we'd discovered which was where they were holding Y/N. I wasn't technically supposed to go because I was not reinstated yet but I couldn't think clearly enough to obey that rule when my girl and my unborn child were in danger.

Luckily, JJ was a parent and knew me too well so she had my back. Rossi also understood and had a helicopter standing by. We managed to make it there in time for the team to breech the house and I rushed in along side them without thinking.

That's when my whole life changed.

Y/N P.O.V.

My captors brought me to a house and left me in a room on the floor. I was alone for awhile and attempted to move to relieve the tight cramping sensation, which had gotten so much worse. I tried to conceal my pain from the man who was walking around the house setting stuff up and attaching rectangle shaped objects to the walls.

I was horrified when I saw that they were C4 charges. The resulting panic ran concurrent with another very intense tightening sensation, followed by what felt like a toilet flushing inside me and then a few minutes later, warm liquid spilled out between my legs.

All at once, the realization hit. The pains I'd been feeling all day were contractions and the liquid was my water breaking.

I was in labor. I had been kidnapped, was about to be blown up and I was in fucking labor.

I wasn't even due for another few weeks so this shouldn't be happening yet. I mean, I knew from the books Spencer and I read that babies rarely came on their actual due dates, but I was still incredibly frightened.

I wept quietly. Three or four more excruciating contractions ripped through me much more quickly before I was distracted by the doors being busted open.

I almost didn't even notice Tara knocking out the unsub or the others disarming the bombs because all I could focus on was the beautiful face of my sweet Spencer as he rushed over to me.

He hijacked Luke's pocket knife from his belt, swiftly slicing through the ropes before wrapping his arms around me.

"Spence," I sobbed hysterically into his shoulder.

"I'm here, love. It's okay," he murmured into my hair, kissing the side of my head.

"How are you here?" I asked, almost unable to conceive that he was really in front of me.

"I'll explain later. Right now we have to get you out of here," He answered, reaching to help me up.

"Wait, is Mom-" I started to say, but he was way ahead of me.

"Mom is fine, Emily and Luke got her back." he responded, relief in his voice.

"Oh, thank God. I-oh!" I grimaced, grabbing my belly.

"What's wrong?" Spencer asked, his face instantly distressed.

"The baby is coming," I managed to say through gritted teeth. "Like, right now."

"What?!"He nearly shouted. He located and motioned to the paramedics that had followed him in. "She's in labor. We need to get her to the hospital immediately!"

The EMTs rushed over to us.

"Ma'am how far apart are your contractions?" one of the paramedics asked as he opened his bag, applied a blood pressure cuff to my arm and took my vitals. Another EMT started setting up a stretcher for me.

I gripped my husband's bicep for dear life as I felt another contraction after a little bit. He winced in pain but he supported me through it.

"I don't know, but close enough to know we ain't making it to the hospital," I groaned, leaning against him once it passed.

"Damn it, you're right. That last one was 2 minutes and 48 seconds from the one you had when I got here. How are you in active labor so quickly? The books said the first child usually takes the longest and it could be hours if not days before the baby is born," Spencer rambled anxiously.

"Um, pretty sure I've been having contractions since they took us," I told him,"How long has it been since then?"

He gaped at me,"It's about 1:30am. It's been approximately 17 hours. God, I'm so sorry, Y/N. This is not how this was supposed to happen. It's 3 weeks early and you're under too much stress-"

"It's okay, Spence. We're okay," I reassured him, grabbing my belly as another pain shot through me. "Oohh nope we're not!"

Spencer looked so freaked out which was sort of scaring me.

The EMT seemed to notice and stopped what he was doing,"Hey, it's going to be okay, guys. Her vitals and everything look good and babies are delivered a few weeks premature all the time and are in perfect health. We'll take good care of you all, I promise."

It seemed to work. Spencer relaxed a little bit and switched into doctor mode, holding my hands.

"You're alright, just remember the birthing classes. Breathe with me like this, okay?" He instructed in a gentle voice, demonstrating what the lamaze teacher taught us. I did what he said as best as I could.

The team, who was still standing there awkwardly, left when Spencer and the paramedic started to remove my short bottoms and slid a large pad thing underneath me. JJ said they would meet us at the hospital since they needed to check on Diana anyway. At some point in the process Spencer slipped behind me, sitting with his legs on either side of me and his arms under mine, probably without thinking about it. We sat like this a lot in the classes and also at home because he'd read that sitting like this while carefully lifting my belly provided some much needed relief from it weighing down on me.

"Looks like you're fully dialated. It's time for you to push," the paramedic said, after he checked me. "Uh, what are you doing?"

"I need," I grunted, shifting back against Spencer, who as quick to assist,"I need to be up..."

"What?" the medic asked, confused.

"Statistically, it's much more beneficial and effective to give birth in an upright position such as squatting or kneeling on all fours," Spencer prattled off facts as he lifted me so I was sitting up against his chest. He kept his arms underneath mine and entwined our fingers so I could squeeze his hands whenever I needed to."In fact, up until the 1700's, women were even known to give birth standing up. It allows the pelvic bones to open up for the child to pass through more easily and gravity helps the process move faster."

The medic gave him the look everyone gives him when he spouts facts and I supressed a giggle.

"Are you a doctor?" he asked my husband, incredulously.

"I have 3 phD's so technically yes-oh owww,"Spencer's sentence was interrupted by me squeezing the life out of his hands as another one hit.

The medic gave him a 'wow' look and then focused on me again,"Okay, anyway I'm gonna have you push through this contraction. Are you ready?"

I nodded and inhaled deeply, pushing on his cue. He counted down and told me to stop. I exhaled harshly and rested for a second before I was told to do it again. We repeated this a few times, Spencer lovingly encouraging me through it. The medic also reassured me that I was doing great, even though I was exhausted and didn't feel like I was doing well.

Sooner than expected, a tiny wail filled the room, changing everything and stirring an indescribable feeling inside me.

"It's a girl!" The paramedic announced, cleaning her, wrapping her in the blue towel things they use and placing her in my arms.

"Oh my gosh" I gasped as I stroked her small head, in hysterical tears at this point. "Hello my little love...oh Spence, look at her..."

Spencer, gaping at her in awe, managed to speak, "H-hi princess, I'm your dad...wow you're so beautiful...you look just like your mommy."

He wasn't wrong. She had his round, hazel eyes, but most of her facial features and her hair color were the same as mine. I smiled warmly down at her through my tears.

I was going to throw back a smart remark but it was forgotten as more tightening and the need to push again overtook me. "Something else is coming out what the-?"

"It's probably the placenta needing to be delivered," Spencer said, without taking his eyes off of our daughter.

"I don't think so," The medic said, reaching his hands out as I instinctively pushed some more.

Just when I thought I could not exert myself anymore, whatever it was came out and the medic grinned, holding it up. "Does that look like a placenta to you, Doctor?"

Our eyes just about popped out of our heads at the sight of the tiny wriggling form.

Another baby??!!

"I-No but- that's impossible," Spencer stuttered, in shock. I mirrored his expression completely.

"You didn't know?" The medic looked confused as he grabbed another towel thing.

"No, the ultrasounds only showed one baby," I said, in disbelief.

"This is a surprise then!" the medic chuckled. "Well congratulations Mom and Dad, it's a boy!"

He placed the baby in my other arm and reminded Spencer, who was still completely astounded, to cut the umbilical cords.

"We have twins?" Spencer whispered increduously, staring at the two small bundles wiggling against my chest.

"We have twins," I repeated, gazing back and forth between my babies and my husband, dumbfounded, "I can't believe it."

The second baby looked exactly like his father. The same brown curls, the same nose, lips, eyes, everything. He was perfect. Both our children were. I'd never felt so much love and joy in my life and I could tell Spencer hadn't either.

"Hi, sweet boy, we were not expecting you, but we are so happy that you're here," I cooed at my son.

"Yes we are. We love you so much, little buddy," Spencer agreed, resting his head on my shoulder as he brushed the boy's cheek lightly with his thumb.

I turned my head to face him and he pressed his lips to mine, murmuring. "I love you and I'm so proud of you."

"I love you too," I murmured back, feeling the warm wetness on my cheeks return as I pressed my forehead to his.

"Congratulations, again. They're adorable," The medic said, warmly as he cleaned everything up.

"Thank you," We answered simultaneously, smiling widely.

When the EMT was done, Spencer moved out from behind me and took the babies so the medics could lift me onto the stretcher. They put a warm blanket over me and then Spencer handed me one of the babies, still wanting to hold one.

Once we got to the hospital, Spencer went with the nurses who took the babies to get checked out. I was taken by other nurses who set me up in a room and made sure I was okay. While he was gone I asked one of my nurses to bring Diana and our friends up to my room.

Diana was a little confused for a minute when she saw me, but luckily her son walked in with a rolling bassinet at just the right moment, parking it next to my bed.

"Spencer's here," I told her softly.

She looked up at him and after a second she rushed into his arms and he embraced her happily, crying.

"Hi, Mom," he murmured.

She pulled back and took his face into her hands. "Don't you ever leave me again."

"I won't," He told her, pulling her back in for a hug. "I love you."

She said it back and after a bit, he was the one to pull back.

"Mom, I have a surprise for you. For all of you, actually," He said, looking at our friends. He smiled as he handed me one baby and then picked up the other and turned to face the group.

Everyone gasped or looked at us wide eyed.

There was a chorus of attempted quiet reactions from the team while Diana moed closer to us, some recognition beginning to spark in her eyes. I could see Garcia using every ounce of her strength not to freak out and accidentally scare her.

"Am I a grandma?" She asked, tentativel.

"Yeah, you are," Spencer answered, warmly.

Diana looked back and forth between us, confused. "But I thought there was only one?"

Spencer chuckled, gesturing to the blue bundle in his arms. "Yeah, we thought so too, until this little guy showed up unannounced."

"He's shocking people just like his father already," She grinned, earning a light laugh from all of us. "Well, do they have names yet?"

"Well, we have a girl name since we knew we were having a daughter, but we are still trying to figure out a boy name since he was a surprise," I answered.

"What's the girl's name?" she asked, sitting on the bed next to me. Spencer sat on my other side.

"Say hello to Amelia Diana Reid," We told her happily as I shifted the pink blanket away from our daughter's face so she could see better.

She gasped again and looked back and forth between Spencer and I in shock once more before smiling and gently hugging us. Awwww's filled the room at the scene.

"The middle name obviously needs no explanation, but the meaning behind the first name is something we want to share. Neither of us had good fathers and I don't have a good mother. So Amelia is the closest thing we could think of as a kind of combination of Aaron and Emily, our work mom and dad,"I explained, smiling adoringly at Emily.

She came over and embraced us carefully. "Thank you. I wish Hotch were here. I think you two are the only ones beside Jack that can get him to smile, and this would definitely turn that stoic frown upside down."

We giggled and so did several of our team members.

I helped Diana hold Amelia for a little bit, and then our son in turn until she started to be less lucid and wanted to rest. Emily had arranged for her to sleep and be cared for in a room close by ours so she could be near us. JJ took her to that room with a nurse and the others left our room for a little while so I could feed the twins. We were burping and changing them when everyone came back.

As soon as she was able to, Penelope pretty much exploded, accidentally interrupting Spencer as he was trying to tell me something. "Oh my gosh TWINS? Two baby geniuses for the price of one! This is the best news ever and I am going to buy tons of stuff for baby boy since you're gonna need double the baby supplies and you only have girl stuff right now and I am going to love them and hug them and be there for them and teach them lots of cool things and-"

"Garcia, breathe," Rossi said, patting her on the back as we all giggled. He turned to us, "Congratulations, both of you."

"Oh they're so precious, guys!"JJ cooed, coming over for a closer look. She was very careful as she hugged us,"You know, anything you need, I'm here for you. Okay?"

"Yeah same, we got you," Luke agreed.

"Well done, Dr. and Mrs, Reid," Tara said in admiration.

"Thanks everyone," we responded happily.

"You did good, mama. The babies are beautiful," Morgan said, leaning down and kissing me on the head as he touched Amelia's hand with his pinky finger. He smiled over at Spencer, "You too, kid. Gideon would be proud of you, you know."

The look on Spencer's face brought me to tears. I'd only been on the team a short time before Gideon left, but I did get to briefly experience the kind, caring, brilliant man he was, who loved Spencer like his own son and knew him better than he knew himself. He even knew the second Spencer and I met that we were falling for each other because he would pair us up a lot and whenever we were together or he caught us looking at one another, he got a look on his face like he was seeing something we were not. He later told Spencer this in his letter and told him to hold on to me and to not let the job get in the way of us. He said to find solace in each other and remind each other of the good things in the world when we were bogged down by all the bad things we saw at work.

This was what finally gave Spencer the courage to ask me out and thank God for that because I was going out of my mind over him by that point and I was so close to just giving up entirely.

Suffice it to say, that man meant the whole world to Spencer and by extention, to me as well. His loss had been beyond devastating for us and I had since been looking for a way to honor his memory....

I looked at my husband, "Hey love, what were you saying before Garcia's outburst?"

"Hmm?" He mumbled, having been pulled out of whatever thought process he was in, "Oh, I was saying I have an idea for our son's name..."

"Oh? What is it?" I asked, curiously.

"I noticed that the medic who delivered the twins had a nametag that said Elliot and I really liked it because it makes me think of the author T.S. Eliot, but also because it reminds me of my friend Elle who used to work with us and who I miss very much. So I was thinking we could name him Elliot, if you're okay with it, of course," He whispered, rambling a bit excitedly.

I knew who Elle was. He and some of the others had talked about her a lot and she seemed like a good person who had just been through a lot. She was like an older sister to Spencer and the name was really cute and meaningful so I was sold.

"I love it...and I have a suggestion for his middle name," I told him, eagerly.

"What?" he asked.

"Gideon," I whispered back, tentatively.

He stared at me for a second with his huge puppy eyes, looking like he was about to cry. He nodded fervently, his eyes moving to his tiny carbon copy sleeping in his arms. He'd barely taken his eyes off the twins since they'd been born and watching him become so  enamored by them made me fall even more in love with him.

"Hey guys, we came up with a name for our son," He said out loud, grabbing everyone's attention as he lifted one of the baby's hands, waving it. "I'd like you all to meet Elliot Gideon Reid."

Tara and Luke only partially connected the dots, since they only knew stories of Gideon and Morgan had just mentioned him.

The rest of the team, however, got both names immediately and there was not a dry eye amongst them. More hugs happened and then everyone took their turns holding the twins and talking with us for awhile until they saw us having trouble staying awake. They handed the babies back and quietly made their way out, one by one.

We put the twins in their bassinet and Spencer curled up next to me while we stared at them.

"Welcome to the world, Amelia and Elliot," we whispered. "We love you."

***********************************

EPILOGUE(Spencer POV):

I was reinstated to the FBI, after some substantial time off to be with my wife and new babies, with mandatory sabbaticals every so often. I did my best to balance work and home, actually electing to stay behind with Garcia sometimes so I could be close to home. A few years later, we had another set of twins, this time both showing up on the sonograms. They were a boy and girl again, and we named them Lilliana Jennifer Reid and Theodore Morgan Reid(Lilly and Theo for short).

Then, another year and a half later, we got pregnant with our last child, a complete surprise since we were told we could not have any more. We named her Davina Penelope Reid, Davina being the closest female name to David(for Rossi).

After that, we were done and our family was complete. Of course, the team adored them and spoiled them rotten. We also realized not long after Amelia and Elliot were born that my mom would be much better cared for in a facility, which was very difficult for me to come to terms with. Fortunately, we found an amazing facility nearby. She's actually thriving there and she loves her grandbabies so much. We bring them to visit her or bring her home sometimes. She often reads to them or teaches them about literature and history the way she taught me.

Life is good. And I am thankful for every day with my gorgeous wife, my five wonderful children, my awesome friends and of course, my mother.

***********************************************

[chosenimagines]

Criminal Minds Masterlist

Criminal Minds

Crossover

Criminal Minds X Swat

One Shots

Dr. Spencer Reid

Books, books and more books

Home

Assassins and sickness

No hero

Gifts

Despair (OC Lola)

Seizure (OC Lola)

Our strength lays within words (Big bro AU with OC Josie)

Trash talk (OC Lola)

Requests

By @insomnaticwilmon

Beach day, Baby!

By @snoopitude

Jokes (Spencer Reid)

By @ameliajonezzz

The Morcia-Dynamic 2.0 (David Rossi)

By @reidsbookclub

Enemies’ Date (Spencer Reid)

By @cance1medaddy

Baby me?! (Spencer Reid) Smut 18+

By 🍵✨- anon

 Spencer Reid 16+

By @doctorspenceryeet

Disappointment (Spencer Reid)

Not alone (Spencer Reid)

By @imjustheretoreads-blog

To the rescue (Spencer Reid)

By @hyialover

Happens in Vegas stays in Vegas? (Spencer Reid)

Random posts

Love for Derek

FTOTD TBBT & Criminal Minds/Castle

Warming up to Rossi

Headcanons

Jeid Headcanon/Jeid AU

Reblogs

Incorrect Quotes Garcia while BAU chases unsub

[reyswiftwalker]

[spencerreidswhore187]

Checkmate (Part Two)

By @spencerreidswhore187 for @sackofpissandshit

Part One | Part Two | Part Three | Part Four | Part Five

Summary: Spencer finds out that reader is not who he thought they were. (Lots of angst)

Pairing: Spencer Reid x Unsub (g!n) Reader

Word Count: 1.4K

TW: Death, seizures, hemlock poisoning, hospitals and a brief mention of suicide.

A/N: Hi! Thank you to everyone who liked, commented, reblogged and followed Checkmate (Part one), it means the world to me. Sorry it’s taken a couple of days to upload - I’ve been working so many shifts ugh - anyway, I wrote this on the bus and did not proof read, I hope you enjoy.

You’d always mocked Romeo for being so rash but, as you stood hyperventilating over Spencer’s body, your first instinct was to drink the rest of the poison from the tiny vial in your pocket.

You were in shock. You needed to snap out of it. He’d not ingested enough to kill him instantly; you had a only few minutes to save him.

You collapsed onto your knees and checked Spencer’s pulse - it was weak. But still there. He’s alive, you reminded yourself. Alive. Alive. Alive.

If you were thinking rationally, you’d have left the building. Maybe tip somebody off so that they could find Spencer. If you were thinking rationally, you’d have recalled that Ben would kill you if you saved Spencer’s life. But none of that mattered, not when the only person you cared about was seizing in front of you.

You forced yourself off your feet and attempted to wipe away the tears streaming down your cheeks. What have I done, you chided yourself.

Running to the bedside table, you grabbed the landline telephone and dialled ‘911’.

The automated voice startled you, “Ambulance, fire or police?”

“Ambulance,” you whispered into the receiver.

Your malicious, manipulative, mastermind facade had dropped. You were hardly recognisable as the person you were moments ago. You didn’t know what you’d do if Spencer, your spence, was not okay.

“Hello?” A deep male voice echoed through the receiver.

“I-Help me. Help please,” you begged frantically.

“What’s your name?”

“Y/N. Um…Y/N Reid.” You couldn’t breathe. You’d placed a pillow under Spencer’s head and you’d pulled him towards your lap. His body wouldn’t stop shaking.

“Okay, Y/N. Listen to my voice and take a deep breathe…that’s it. I need you to calm down and tell me what’s happening,” the first responder asked.

“My…my boyfriend he’s been poisoned. And he’s seizing. Oh my god, please help, he won’t…he won’t stop seizing,” you choked back a sob.

“Can you tell me where you are? Help is on the way.”

“[your address]. I-hurry. Please hurry. He’s an agent. An FBI agent.” It hurt to remind yourself of his job, that he’d lied to you. But that didn’t matter, not now.

You heard a phone dialling in the background.

“Y/N, can you tell me your boyfriend’s name.”

“Spencer Reid. D-Dr Spencer Reid from the Behaviour Analysis Unit in um Quantico.”

“An ambulance is almost with you. Y/N, he’s going to be okay. Is he still seizing?”

You whispered, “no.”

“Can you check his pulse for me?”

You did what he asked, it was painfully slow.

“Do you know what substance he ingested?”

“It was-”

There was a sharp knock at the door followed by heavy footsteps running up the stairs.

You hung up the phone as the paramedics rushed to Spencer’s collapsed form.

Everything was a blur. You were barely aware of what was happening.

You watched their lips move as they shouted questions at you that you barely heard. You watched them start chest compressions on Spencer. You frantically chewed at your nails as they placed him on a stretcher and carried him out of your house.

You remembered when you’d bought it. Spencer had held your hand as you explored the empty rooms. He’d hugged you from behind, wrapping his arm around your waist and pressing a kiss to his favourite spot - where your neck me your shoulder. As both of you examined the rooms he rambled random facts about windows and the wall fixings. You loved it when he rambled. You would stare in awe as he counted off numerous statistics.

You’d eaten Chinese take out on the living room floor after you’d bought it. The furniture hadn’t arrived yet. You stayed up all night talking, kissing among other things. You were both so happy then. You’d thought you had escaped Ben, escaped that lifestyle after years of doing whatever he told you.

That blissful dream ended thirteen months ago.

You followed the two paramedics to the ambulance, about to follow them in when you felt a cold hand on your shoulder that instantly snapped you back to reality.

You turned to face the tall blonde woman behind you. You recognised her from a picture on Spencer’s phone. JJ, you thought her name was. Her children were Spencer’s godsons. Or maybe he’d lied about that too.

Luke Alvez, who Spencer had briefly introduced you to in a coffee shop several weeks ago, placed handcuffs around your wrists as JJ read your rights, “Y/N L/N you are under arrest for the twenty four counts of first degree murder as well as the attempted murder of FBI agent Dr Spencer Reid.”

As the world collapsed around you, you watched the ambulance drive away - sirens flashing through the melancholy city.

——————————————————————————

It was Penelope who’d gotten the call. She’d dropped her pink octopus mug when she was told that “Dr Spencer Reid had been poisoned and was on his way to the hospital.”

The rest of the team had been waiting anxiously at the round table. Spencer had insisted on going after you alone, Emily and JJ had protested but Rossi and Tara had agreed with Reid. You were dangerous. Deadly, even. They needed the element of surprise and that was something they’d only achieve if he followed his usual routine and went home to you alone.

It broke Penelope’s heart to see him like that. Spencer had looked exhausted and so broken. She wanted to give him a hug but she observes the way he flinched away anytime someone tried to touch him or offer comfort.

Penelope ran out of her office to the others.

It was Rossi who spoke first, “Garcia what’s wrong?” He asked, observing her dishevelled state as Penelope stood shaking in the doorway, “what happened?”

JJ spoke next, “is Reid okay?”

“I-no. No he’s not.” The room was so silent you could hear a pin drop.

“Penelope…” said Emily.

“A 911 call just came through from his house. He’s been poisoned, an ambulance is on it’s way. Reid…Spencer,” She inhaled sharply, “is unconscious.”

“Then who made the-”

Luke finally spoke up, “Y/N. It was Y/N.”

“But why would they call for help after trying to kill him?” Asked Tara.

No one spoke for what felt like minutes.

Emily finally answered, “it’s doesn’t matter. We need to get to that house now. Lewis, Rossi, you’re with me. JJ, you go with Alvez.”

“What about me?” Penelope questioned weakly, “I can’t…I can’t just stay here and do nothing, waiting for a call.”

“Go to the hospital, we’ll meet you there as soon as possible.”

Penelope nodded, relieved.

As they left the room, Luke hugged Penelope, “he’ll be okay, Garcia. I promise. They wont get away with this.”

——————————————————————————

When he awoke, the first thing he smelt was jello. He loved jello.

“Can I have some of that…please,” Spencer implored.

It was quickly followed by a squeal as Penelope through her arms around him.

“Spencer, you’re okay! Thank god you’re okay. I was so scared. We all were.”

Slowly he began to notice the beeping machines around them and the dull throbbing in the back of his head. He winced.

“Do you want me to get the doctor? I should tell her that you’re awake and-”

Spencer interrupted her rambling, “what happened?”

“You were given a near lethal dose of hemlock.”

Shit. He cursed to himself, remembering something he had read.

“Conium maculatum, colloquially known as hemlock, poison hemlock or wild hemlock, is a highly poisonous biennial herbaceous flowering plant…how did I…”

“Y/N,” Garcia whispered, staring at the hospital room floor.

The memories all came flooding back to him then. The truth of who you really were, the things - the illegal things - you had done. He Spencer recalled all the lies. It hurt more than his body did.

He fought tears. He would not cry over you, Spencer refused.

“Did you find them?”

He was surprised to hear answer “yes.”

“What? But if poisoning me was their escape plan, how did you find them so quickly? How long have I been unconscious?”

None of this made sense.

“Y/N, well, they made the call Spencer. They stayed with you the whole time. JJ and Luke arrested them when they were following you into the ambulance. They’ve been in an interrogation room for three days, Rossi and Tara are with them…you’ve been unconscious for three day.”

Spencer was going to be sick.

Emily, JJ and Alvez rushed into the room.

“You’re alive,” they gushed, “you’re okay!”

Spencer wasn’t listening. He didn’t care.

He stared at Emily who almost immediately understood what he was about to ask.

“No, Reid. Absolutely not.”

“I need to see them. I need you to take me to Y/N.”

A/N: Thank you for reading! Part three will be uploaded in the coming days ◡̈

————————————————————————————————————————

If you would like to be added to the tag list comment or message me.

Taglist: @sackofpissandshit @ara-a-bird @princess-ofthe-pages @catsinaspacesuit

[ddaz3d-and-cc0nfused]

i am surprisingly flying through my to-do list of works so here i am again asking you guys to pick the agenda of drafted fics!!

i'm really laying out all of my cards here, so please don't get overwhelmed by all the options, they'll get posted sometime soon! the percentage by votes is how i label them from least to most demanded!!

if there are ones that aren't collecting a lot of votes, they'll just make it to the next round of polls!

have fun and happy voting!!

[amberscriminalmind]

"i know what i signed up for when i decided to join the fbi, if i was scared, i-i would have made the decision to leave when emily faked her death to escape doyle!" 💔

pairing : bau team x bau!fem reader

summary : set in season 15, SSA savannah o'keefe is killed by a child held hostage by their latest unsub. what follows is sure to devastate the entire team.

warnings : death, blood, tears, angst, swearing, depressing - the usual criminal minds warnings

a/n : as mentioned in the description, this is set in season 15 so, for the next chapter, i'm going to do a part two to this except, it'll be savannah's actress, tiahni who is being killed off/ saying her final goodbye to the show so, enjoy this chapter

savannah knew she needed to be careful, everyone in the FBI knew how careful you needed to be with unsubs or even the victims that the unsubs had held hostage. however, it seemed as if it hadn't crossed her mind at how desperate the child who was currently being held hostage was to escape. 

"...o'keefe, are you okay? do you need any assistance?" supervisory special agent dr spencer reid, savannah's boyfriend, questions

spencer's head looking over his shoulder since his back was away from savannah. savannah stood in front of the unsub, the poor child was being used as a body shield by the unsub.

"ahh..no, i..i should be fine reid but, do see if you can get a clear shot and see if maybe prentiss and alvez can too!" the agent turned to smile at her brown-haired, nevadian boy genius boyfriend, feeling a surge of confidence that she could take down the unsub whilst also making sure the child stayed alive

except when it came to the planning of her takedown, agent savannah o'keefe wasn't as careful as she thought she was. 

supervisory special agent savannah o'keefe was quite confident in her profiling skills and her fieldwork. she was utterly outstanding in her marksmanship and was highly skilled, which was why she and dr spencer reid, made an excellent team since they were both skilled in the field and as profilers. not only were they dating each other, but they were also both child prodigies from las vegas, nevada and childhood best friends who joined the FBI academy together at the ripe young age of 22.

a special request from senior supervisory special agent jason gideon who at the time was the unit chief of the behavioural analysis unit. and this was because they were still too young to join the unit since the official age to join the FBI was at least 23 but younger than 37. however, sometimes, due to being human, agent o'keefe would sometimes get blindsided which would cause her to miss her usual quick snap-of-the-finger reaction time. this time, her small misjudgement, and not being able to realise the unsub's intentions had huge consequences because agent o'keefe was not quick enough. 

the unsub had a realisation of what was about to happen to her, now out of her psychosis she knew the people in her house were FBI agents. she then noticed one of them, unlike the rest, wasn't wearing their bulletproof vest, in a bid to be unsuspicious to the unsub. then, all of a sudden, the unsub brought her gun up ready to shoot the unsuspecting agent whose back was facing the unsub. communicating with her fellow agents luke alvez, emily prentiss, jennifer jareau and dr spencer reid.

all of a sudden, a loud bang was heard and everything fell into slow motion. the kid who had somehow managed to grab the other gun that had been seized by the unsub attempted to shoot them. in an attempt to save savannah, however, with spencer's loud warning to his girlfriend, it ended up alerting both the unsub and the child. which was what caused the huge consequence that ended with savannah getting shot just below her chest.

the little boy, 8-year-old jasper had fired the gun, completely fearful and eyes closed. only hoping his aim was at the right person, his abductor. after another shot was fired, the person loudly falling to the floor, clutching the leg that had been shot, that was when the little boy opened his eyes as they widen, tears welling in his eyes as he realised it was he had shot in the chest and who spencer had shot in the leg.

jasper had accidentally shot savannah, the agent who had been trying to save him and talk down the unsub. spencer had shot marianna cunningham, the unsub who had been holding the boy hostage and moments from shooting savannah. spencer shooting marianna in the leg so as to not kill her but make it easier to arrest her and subdue her.

a gasp of air then came out of savannah's mouth from the reverberation of the gunshot wound through her chest. the little boy wept having no clue who it was he had shot in his desperation of wanting to be rescue and found alive. the second savannah began to fell to the floor, spencer chucked his gun to the floor after shooting marianna. luke, jj and emily holstering their own as they also rushed over to their fellow agent. only hoping they could save her life whilst a police officer had come to take little jasper to safety.

"savannah!" spencer yelled, his gun aimlessly falling to the floor as he dropped to his knees, grabbing his girlfriend as she bled and softly adjusted her to his lap before she could even properly fall to the ground 

jj, emily and luke follow after spencer. all of them seprately calling out for medical assistance. the little boy finally taken by the police officer.

"agent is down, i repeat we have an agent that is injured. agent o'keefe. unsub is injured and has been removed. the child taken by the unsub has been found and removed safely. we need a medic!" luke and jj scream into their wires as emily and spencer try everything possible to stop savannah losing blood from her gunshot wound

savannah was fading pretty quickly as she struggled to catch her breath, her own blood starting to choke her as spencer didn't know what to do.

"what did you do, sav? what...what even happened? you turned away for just a second to talk to me...what..." spencer panicked, he wasn't thinking straight as he frantically tried to stop the bleeding

savannah trying her hardest to keep her eyes open. emily also starting to panic as she watched the all so familiar scene play out in front of her.

"...i...i didn't do my job correctly apparently, spence..." the dying girl responded, a small and cracked sounding laugh ecohed from the girl

she tried her best to stay positive, sarcastic and sassy. and maybe a pinch of stubbornness as spencer and emily continued in trying to help her.

"...don't you do this to me, sav. not right now! what did you do, what even happened? we were right there with you, tell us, we want to help you!" spencer grumbled out in distress, trying his best to remember protocol

he hated crying at the best of times but, whilst at work was the worst time to be vulnerable. angrily wiping away a falling tear with his shoulder, spencer and emily continued to press on savannah's gunshot wound.

"oh, spence, i'm sorry, i was really just trying to be funny..." savannah trailed off after getting a death stare from spencer

"...but, if you really want to know what i was doing, i...i was trying to silently communicate with you without being too suspicious. i was clearly way over my head since it was clear the unsub took notice of my deception and tried to take me down for it. but...the little boy jasper...he...he must have been so scared and desperate to get out and he must of been trying to aim at marianna but..." taking a big breath in, which was getting harder for savannah, she continued

"...instead of aiming for marianna, with his eyes closed, he had no idea where i was from where marianna was standing. he must have confused the two of us. he hadn't meant to shoot me, spence, you know that. we all know that, you could tell he hadn't meant to shoot me. he was scared, spence, so scared that he just closed his eyes, turned his head away and pulled the trigger, only hoping it was in the right direction..." savannah was once again out of breath as spencer whimpered in fear, emily clenching her jaw

emily then speaking up, "he...he must have become frightened when you raised your voice spence when you noticed that marianna was about to shoot savannah...he never meant to shoot savannah at all..." emily almost gasped as she watched at the way spencer's face changed

"it...it was my fault...i did this...i'm the reason why jasper shot you..."

"...no, spence, we're not going to have this conversation! it was not your fault at all. i had taken off my bulletproof vest and unfortunately, the way jasper aimed the gun, no matter if i had the vest on or not, the place where he shot me, this still would have happened..." savannah refused to let spencer put the blame on him as spencer finally noticed that savannah did in fact not have her bulletproof vest on

"...savannah, why did you take your bulletproof vest off?" spencer whimpered, emily also coming to the sudden realisation no one else had picked up on

spencer and emily still trying their hardest to keep savannah from bleeding out to death in their lap. savannah smiling sheepishly at her boyfriend and best friend.

"i...i didn't want a distressed reaction from marianna after coming out of her psychotic break. if she saw the FBI logo, i knew how she'd react. she isn't intellectually challenged like we originally profiled her to be, she is a highly skilled and intelligent schizophrenic, just like your mom, spence..." hearing that last sentence, 'just like your mom' really hit a chord for spencer, he really hadn't recognised his own schizophrenic mother's symptoms in their unsub

"...it was clear that she had knowledge that law enforcement was coming for her, even in her psychotic break. and it was why i did what i did, i didn't want this exact sitation to happen so, in order to make her surrender calmly after coming out of her psychotic break, i made the decision to take off my bulletproof vest. just to see if i could talk her down myself and have her give us jasper without the excess use of anymore force or harm..." savannah shook her head, even that hurt her as she winced in pain, emily and spencer hiding their tears as they shook their heads and scoffed

"...you do realise how stupid that sounds right, o'keefe, especially for someone as skilled as you?" luke alvez then tearfully spoke up as savannah smiled 

"yeah, you think i didn't know that, mr smartarse!" savannah weakly clapped back as she went to start laughing only to start coughing up the blood that was starting to block her airways as the agents started to panic

emily and jj screaming for the medics again. why were they taking so long, there were supposed to be waiting just outside of the bloody building

"please don't laugh sav, it...it'll only make your pain worse..." spencer squeaked out as savannah nodded her head, trying her best to keep as calm as she could  

except, it didn't last for very long when they heard a bright but confused voice reverberate around the room. they then remembered who else in their team could have potentially had eyes and ears in this case since there was only one person who had the skills to hack into the unsub's live feed... penelope garcia, their technical analyst who had been there the entire time. 

"don't make who laugh, what will make what pain worse?" garcia's voice sounded with worry but her usual cheeriness as the agents all shared worried looks with each other 

emily gulped but spoke up, "garcia...how...how long have you been watching through this live feed?" emily's voice was steady but fearful as she awaited penelope's response

penelope shouldn't have to watch via video call the brutal death of one of her very best friends by the underage kid who had accidentally misfired. only hoping that he was shooting his abductor, not the people who were trying to save him 

"after it was confirmed that the little boy was saved and that marianna had been injured on the scene, why? is everyone okay, did all of my crime fighters make it out alright and alive?" penelope questioned, just praying on whatever god she still believed in that all of her furry crime-fighter friends survived another case and unsub takedown 

"umm...how...how many gunshots did you say you heard, penelope?" luke then questioned as he turned around to look at spencer and savannah, closing his eyes briefly before turning back, his face returning to emotionless and stoic 

"one...why? is there something i haven't been told, alvez?" penelope's voice raised slightly, her jokingly disappointed voice making an appearance as luke visibly gulped, slyly nodding his head when penelope saw the ever-so sly nod and her facial expressions immediately changed 

"umm... maybe there..." 

"...penelope, there were two gunshots heard. one hit and injured marianna, delivered by spence and the other...the other one hit savannah, delivered by jasper. the little boy that was marianna's last victim that we managed to save without any fatal injuries. he...the little boy wasn't trying to shoot her, he...he was...he had his eyes closed and his head turning away only hoping that he was aiming for marianna but instead he misfired and shot savannah..." emily shakily explained as penelope felt like she was choking as she spoke up 

"...is...is savannah okay? like is...is she still alive, emily?" penelope dared to ask, her voice fearful but filled with some of her selfish hope that once again, savannah would remain indestructible just like she always was to penelope and the rest of the team 

"pen...she...savannah hadn't gone in with her bulletproof vest, she was struck just underneath her chest. spencer has her bleeding out in his lap, we...we're not sure where our medics are and we...we aren't really confident in savannah having a good enough chance for survival if the medics don't show up in the next three or five minutes. please, pen, contact or wire us through to tara, dave and matthew, we need as much help as we can get!" emily, who wasn't mentioned earlier but is now the unit chief of the bau, was panicking as spencer, her and luke desperately tried to get savannah's blood loss under control 

whilst those three were doing that, jj was running around like a headless chicken trying to contact and find those goddamn medics and see if she could see them coming. 

"pen...penelope, are...are you still there?" savannah's voice was the quietest and weakest it had ever sounded, so quiet however everyone could still hear it, penelope included as their hearts shattered 

"yes baby cakes, i'm still here, i'm not leaving," penelope spoke up sweetly as tara and matthew barged into the abandoned school gym marianna had been keeping her victims in 

emily then reported back to penelope that tara and matthew had arrived and rossi was helping jj figure out where those damned medics were. 

"spence...spence?" savannah whimpered out, trying to lift her head up as spencer's tear-filled eyes made contact with her dying ones 

"yes, love?" spencer whimpered out, his breath shaky as savannah took in a sharp breath before continuing 

"where...where's dave and...and jj?" she whimpered, every other agent besides jj and dave was now either wired or physically with her in her final dying moments and it scared her 

savannah didn't want to die without all of her BAU family with her, meaning that if she could have derek morgan, aaron hotchner, jason gideon, elle greenaway, kate callahan and alex blake with her as well. that would have been even better because that to the young agent equated to her dying alone and that, dying alone, was the agent's biggest fear. 

"they...they're trying to find the medics sweetheart, they'll be back soon just, please...please hold on a little bit longer," spencer sniffled as he held his girlfriend closer to his chest, not bothered by the blood from his girlfriend that covered his cream-coloured button-up shirt 

"i...i'm so sorry spence...i...i shouldn't have tried to be the hero. i shouldn't have taken my bulletproof vest off...i...i just wanted jasper to be safe..." savannah trailed off, her voice terrified and regretful as it continued to sound weak and quiet 

"...oh...sav...don't apologise sweetheart. you...you didn't think this was going to happen..." spencer's mind and his 187 iq were completely slashed due to the trauma and his mind splitting off in different directions

his emotions becoming the thing that controlled him as savannah smiled. holding in a laugh that would cause her to cough up more blood.

"...no, i didn't think i'd be getting shot at or dying today at all, spence. i mean, i know it wasn't...wasn't on my 2019 bingo card to die but, look at where we are i guess.." savannah weakly sighed as she then turned her head to spit out some blood that caught in her throat, spencer choking back a sob 

"no...no, it...it wasn't...i'm sorry sav..." the boy wonder swallowing himself up as he cradles savannah closer to his chest, bringing his knees up to support the back of her head and using his hand as another support 

"...where are these bloody medics?!" luke screamed as she sat directly opposite spencer and savannah as jj and rossi shrugged their shoulders simultaneously 

no one knew where these bloody medics were. surely they hadn't gone too far considering they were given specific rules. rules by police and the fbi to follow their strict orders. to stay in close proximity to the school gym just in case marianna escalated at any point.

"luke...luke, s...stop, please," savannah croaked out, reaching her hand over to her fellow agent who had become one of her closest male friends besides spencer, derek and matthew 

"what...what? no..no, sav, please...let the medics help you! they...they can't be too far away now!" it was a complete and utter delusion of spencer to say that out loud but he wasn't going to give up on his person

the person who had constantly stayed by his side during every single life event. significant or not from childhood to the both of them joining the FBI together. spencer was not going to allow the love of his life, his favourite person in this universe, to leave tonight. not on the watch of himself or the rest of the team.

"i...i said no, spencer! luke, stop it! i order you to bring jj and dave here right now. tell...tell them to stop trying to get the medics here! if...if i'm going to die, i don't want any of my team to be gone. if...if i am going to die, which, i...i will be tonight, i...i want to die with all of us together one last time, please..." savannah spluttered out as spencer's tears became uncontrollable, nudging his teary cheeks closer to savannah's face, making her smile under the wetness of the tears that cooled the girl down 

"i don't fucking care, savannah, you are not going to die! i...i am so sorry, i didn't give you the help you clearly needed. i...i shouldn't have ignored you even though you said you had it under control...i should have fucking known the second it became too quiet and that you didn't have your vest on that i should have become more aware and turned around and reacted quicker than i did..."

"...i should have made you mad over me helping you take down marianna and have you still alive than having you bleed out to death on my lap. i mean...what would you rather me be doing? watching you die in my lap or watch yourself yell at me because you always and continuously show everyone how invincible you are and how incredible you are at handling every single unsub on your own...i mean, i know what i'd prefer, do you?" spencer was going mad, he was hyperventilating and panicking, his tears falling like raging waterfalls now as he realised he was no longer going to have his person alive any longer 

he wasn't going to have his number one support person, the girl that he loved more than he loved anyone in the entire world die. the girl that he wanted to get married to and have kids with and continue to take down even more unsubs as his chest suddenly constricted in pain all at the same time. 

"spencer...spence, please calm down babe, everything is okay. i'd of course rather be doing anything else but this...but, there was clearly a reason why i wasn't paying much attention and lost all of my reaction time...there is a reason why jasper frantically and accidentally shot me in the mistake of marianna. i don't know what reason since it's a pretty messed up reason and i know hardly any of us here believe in this crap...sorry em...but i...i do believe it was a sign telling me that it's my time to go and let my boyfriend and the rest of my glorious and smart team grow up and transform into something even better..." 

"...i...i don't want something better..." spencer choked out as his lips trembled, still holding his girlfriend tight and the rest of the team nodded their heads in agreement, penelope included through the live feed

this team didn't want better they wanted savannah and they wanted her alive. they didn't want the thought of having to introduce a new team member who would probably never live up to the expectation and skill level that was their savannah o'keefe. 

this made savannah smile with a hint of sadness, "i'm sorry but...i think this was the sign to tell me that i should have left the BAU and i should have left ages ago. emily, grab my gun and credentials since i'll no longer need them anymore..." savannah finished off what spencer interrupted as he continued to shake his head and cry softly 

savannah was the behavioural analysis unit's best profiler and field agent that had ever seen, even when she first joined when she and spencer were 22. her smile was radiant, it lit up every room or scenario she walked into and it was the best consolation for families of the victims of the unsubs they fought almost every week. she was easily the glue that kept the team together during the difficult times and it was obvious she was very loved by everyone.

she was also the most gorgeously made girl as well, her blonde hair so long it was often mislabeled as a wig (derek getting a lot of heat for his comment about that), her blue eyes the prettiest and deepest blue ever seen and the most enchanting. her nose the cutest button nose anyone had ever seen and her entire face filled up with small golden blonde freckles that always sparkled in the sunshine. it was also well known how intelligent she was, just like her boyfriend and fellow genius dr spencer reid. she was just the best person anyone could meet and the one that was the most reliable in the whole entire bau. 

this was why, at any time, she was placed in a high-risk, dangerous situation, the team hoped and prayed to a god that sometimes even they struggled to believe in for the hope that once again, savannah would remain indestructible and walk out of the school shooting or bomb siege as if nothing bad had happened. however, this time, clearly, savannah was very much not invincible or indestructible. sure, she was smart, unbelievably gorgeous and the best FBI agent the BAU had ever had. but, that meant nothing to a schizophrenic 30 year old lady who was kidnapping kids under the age of ten after she lost her own child whilst experiencing schizophrenic breaks.

the cause of the crimes being committed. in the eyes of marianna williamson, supervisory special agent savannah o'keefe was nothing but a threat to her that was going to cause harm to her and then take away whom, in her schizophrenic break, thought was her son and that was something she couldn't allow again. that was until jasper raised an undeclared second gun and accidentally shot the FBI agent, with his misfire thinking it was marianna that he had shot. when it came to the girl's final goodbyes to her boyfriend and their team, it was extremely hard to watch the girl that was usually so untouchable finally start to deteriorate and not have the opportunity to save her. 

for spencer, knowing that they would never watch their favourite geeky shows together or read their geeky books together or have the ability to talk smack about the other FBI divisions or go on undercover missions together. or to have the chance in being the best tag team ever again made his insides twist as his chest constricted in pain again. for the rest of the team, jj, luke, emily, tara, penelope, matthew and dave, knowing that they'd never get to watch their resident badass kick down the doors and talk the unsubs down again or play endless games of drunk never have i ever or drunk truth or dare on the jet home from a tough case. or just the simple family things they all did as a team made them wish they did those drinking games and simple family things a whole lot more often.

all the things they suddenly regretted and wished they could have done with savannah were now all surfacing and the physical pain it gave them was undeniable, and it made them feel sick to their stomachs that they'll never get to do those things they wish they got to do with her ever again. tears sprung to their eyes that, after this, they would be returning back to penelope and quantico with all but their full team alive, breaking their promise to penelope that they'd all come back alive. like the promise, they made to each other that they'd come home safe. 

"...luke promise me something...okay?" savannah's voice deteriorates with every word and breath, trying her hardest to say all her goodbyes, everyone listening in so they didn't miss one single thing their girl has to say before it's too late 

"anything, what do i need to promise, sav?" luke questions as he makes direct eye contact with the girl as she faintly smiles 

"please...please re...remind spencer how much i love him and that...i...i'm sorry that i broke my promise of us coming back home alive together..." savannah's entire body rattled as the bloody cough left her mouth and she continued, spencer's cries shaking the both of them as he holds her 

"...he...he needs to know that this was never my intention but that i...i don't regret what i did and the things i said to him before we came here. i really did want to step down from the team for a little bit and get married and then have a couple of kids and lay low until they were old enough for me to slowly start to come back. i'm just...i'm so sorry that spencer's never going to fulfil that life with the girl of his dreams which is how i know he saw me...i'm just sorry that he's lost another person in his life that he's loved," savannah grimaced as she felt her entire body become weaker as spencer bit his lip, trying to hold back another sob 

"but please...please promise spencer something..." savannah squeaked out again, luke nodding his head as everyone watched, struggling with their own emotions as well 

"what is it, bubs?" luke spoke up, his bottom lip trembling as he tried hold back tears and savannah smiled at the use of the team's universal nickname for her 

"i...i want you guys to promise spencer that, even though he can't have his true dream life with me, he can still have it with another girl that he falls in love with. i...i want him to get married to another girl, i want him to have kids with her, i...i want him to be happy. i want to be able to look down on him and see him laugh to the point where he's crying and i want him to cry so much that he doesn't have any more to cry but ends up laughing afterwards so it doesn't look like he's a wuss *tearful giggles* even though we all know he actually is, okay? i...i just want him to be happy after i'm gone, i don't want to die and then watch him let his life go to shit just because i'm gone, okay? can...could you promise that for me, luke?" savannah begged weakly as luke nodded his head, the rest of her team also nodding their heads promising to their best friend that they would make sure that their boy wonder doesn't end up wasting his life away 

"i promise bubs," luke whispered as savannah smiled before moving over to her boyfriend for one last verbal goodbye since she knew that the others didn't need a goodbye said to them, they all knew how much she meant to them and how much they meant to her

savannah suddenly panicked for a second because she couldn't see the camera or hear where penelope was in the same way she could with the rest of her team, "pen...penelope, where are you?" taking a breath before responding, penelope composed herself 

"i'm right here dollface, i'm still here, i haven't left you," penelope assured the dying girl who just squeaked back in response before directing herself towards her boyfriend, saying her final farewell to him

 "spencer, spence, spencaroo, my precious boy wonder. you've been my best friend my entire life and i thought i was going to marry you and have our future children someday. but i thought my life couldn't have been any better because i knew that with you by my side, i was invincible and i was able to do everything and anything i put my mind to..." it was quickly getting increasingly more difficult for savannah to talk but she didn't give up just yet

"...i cannot thank you enough for...for the happiness and life you brought to me every single day throughout our beautiful friendship and our relationship. have...having you as my boyfriend has been nothing but the best part of my life and i wish i could spend the rest of my days with you but, i can't and i am so beyond sorry that due to my own stupidity that i'm just another person in your life that you've gotten close with and had a precious relationship with only for me to just have it taken away from you again like all the other ones..." for once, spencer didn't feel like he was being abandoned, even though savannah was the one person he really didn't want to lose

"...i am so sorry that i won't be able to marry you or...or have beautiful kid wonders with you... i...i'm sorry that i'll never get to cuddle or kiss you again. i'm sorry that i'll never get to call you spence or spencaroo ever again...i'm sorry that i'll never get to make you breakfast and coffee in bed ever again. i'm...i'm also sorry that i had to do the one thing i promised you i'd never do. i am so sorry that i'm leaving you all...all alone after i promised you i never would...i'm so sorry spencer reid..." savannah was struggling, everyone could tell she was struggling but also that she was trying to hold on for just that little bit longer just in case the medics did end up arriving and got the agent to a hospital 

savannah's speech was slurring, she was choking on blood more frequently but trying to hide it by attempting to keep the coughing at a minimum and she was fighting her hardest to keep her eyes open for longer. and spencer was beside himself as he sobbed, his brain in a complete and utter mental breakdown, malfunctioning in overstimulation of emotions. his knowledge of statistics of what to do completely gone out of the window so he had nothing that could possibly provide him with any comfort. 

"why aren't you scared to die, sav? please...please don't die, sav! don't leave me!" spencer wept as he tried to hold savannah's dying, heavy body closer as savannah weakly and unattractively giggled

then, her mouth opened and she uttered her last words with the last part of whatever remaining strength she had left as everyone watched, tears leaving their eyes, penelope the only other team member weeping apart from spencer. 

"i know what i signed up for when i decided to join the FBI...if i was scared, i...i would have made the intelligent decision to leave when emily faked her death to escape doyle!" savannah croaked out, wanting to make her team laugh just one more time before her death 

her entire body all of a sudden relaxed in spencer's grip as her eyes closed, her mouth upturned into a small smile as her final breath came and went just as quickly as spencer had the time to comprehend savannah's last words. her last coherent sentence with that last burst of strength that she had accumulated out of god knows where. 

and straight away, everyone gulped and tears streamed down their faces as they remained silent and calm, spencer in frantic panic mode. everything he knew normally had suddenly gone flying out of the door, he was trying everything and anything he could to try and get savannah to wake up. shaking her, hitting her, yelling at her, spencer was trying every little thing he could, breaking FBI protocol. he was trying everything he could to force savannah to wake up. however, nothing was working because savannah's heart had stopped beating, her lungs stopped producing oxygen to her brain...savannah had just stopped entirely. 

"sav...sav, come on now! savannah! wake up!!" spencer screamed, his voice becoming louder and more distressed as he continued to shake the body of his deceased girlfriend to no avail as his sobs became louder and louder 

no one could watch this go on any longer so, luke took control, unable to stomach spencer's grievous screams and wails anymore. so, without a word or point of eye contact with matthew simmons, the two agents decided that matthew was going to pick up savannah and move her away to cover her up so the medics, who had only just now decided to show up could hand her to the coroner's office. luke then went over to calm down the distraught boy wonder who just wished that for once, his bloody girlfriend had hesitated to take off her bulletproof vest so that she didn't have to die from a stupid and easily avoidable gunshot wound to the chest. 

"spencer...spence...reid! stop it...just stop!" luke called out before he could get the screaming, thrashing and sobbing agent, his best friend to calm down and just stop

"luke...she...she's gone!" spencer wailed as he tried to pull out of luke's strong grip and the older agent nodded his head as he held the more experienced younger agent closer 

"i...i know spence, i know. i know she's gone and it hurts, it hurts like hell but, what sav said before she died is absolutely correct. she knew, just like we all did, what she was signing up for when she joined the FBI...when you both joined the FBI together and if she was scared, she would have already left. and now more than ever, we can't stop just because she's gone. we have to keep going because they're will always be another child or another innocent life that needs to be saved and another unsub that needs to be caught," luke tried his hardest to soothe the younger agent and calm him down but, there was no easier way of the comfort to console him 

spencer then became mad but he didn't say anything even though luke could sense that spencer wanted to question why on earth savannah did it but, he refrained from saying such a sentence because he could never totally question something his girlfriend did. especially if it was a matter of life and death and children were involved somehow. but, he just wished that savannah had paid more attention or at least kept her bulletproof vest on so that even if she was in this situation, she could have survived, even with the medics taking the sweet old jolly time as though they too weren't racing against the clock of life and death themselves. 

🚨

24 hours later and the BAU was still in sarasota, florida. the team were still needing to question marianna cunningham after she had been seen by the medics and formally arrested by the sarasota police and also question the little boy, jasper collins.

a visit to the medical examiner was also needed so they could check out the coroner's report of savannah to then add it into the report on it back home in quantico, virginia. it had also been a whole day since spencer had his girlfriend die in his arms, her blood still unwashed from his cream button-up shirt and grey coloured dress pants that he had worn the previous day.

the poor boy couldn't even fall asleep that night because he knew that the exact moment his eyelashes touched each other for even a blink, he'd go back to that moment. the moment he saw savannah being shot, the crimson liquid leaving her chest as he caught her, lowering the both of them down to the ground all over again.

whilst the rest of the team were finishing up marianna cunningham and jasper collins' case, spencer sat in the sarasota police departments bullpen in silence. even though he knew he was the smartest in that room after a regular case, because this case ended with him losing the love of his life, he wouldn't be the smartest nor the greatest deal of help. especially after having to witness the death of his girlfriend right in front of him.

all he would do if he even looked at the photo of his girlfriend, which had now been sticky taped next to the photos of the other victims of marianna's crimes, on the whiteboard. he would break down and cry hysterically and inconsolably. although it did get joked about a lot, this moment had truly shattered spencer's 187 IQ and the rest of his encyclopedic knowledge. he felt the most useless he had ever felt now that savannah was dead and it felt like he was all alone again.

on her way out of the rooms that had marianna and jasper detained, emily walked past spencer to check in on him. sliding down the wall, the raven-haired girl joined him, her legs folding over themselves as she slowly moved her hand closer to spencer's, when she saw no hesitation or signal for her to stop, she continued and linked her fingers with his. 

"...you're still thinking about sav, aren't you spence?" emily's voice was soft, understanding but filled with her own grief for her friend as spencer's lip trembled and he nodded his head, his eyes darting all around the sarasota bullpen 

"emily...i...i'm so tired but i know that if i go to sleep or even just close my eyes for a second, i... i'll watch sav...her...get shot again as i catch her, her blood covering my shirt and pants as i lower the both of us to the ground. how...how do i move on from her...how do i move on from this, em? i...i'm so lost and not a single statistic or smart remark that i'd normally have can save me...what do i do?" spencer's voice was quiet as tears that he thought had been cried all night last night trailed down his cheeks and he simply refused to close his eyes to stop them

emily takes in a big breath before she squeezes spencer's hand, "she knows that spence, but she also knows that you'd hate yourself even more, for the rest of your life, if you wasted your life away. savannah wants you to be happy and to someday leave the bau. she even made luke promise you that you would have kids, get married and have that grandiose house. just, with a different girl that's got you so head over heels and tied down to the point where even after three years of marriage, you still stutter your words and trip over your own feet because you're still so in love with her," emily spoke softly as she caressed spencer's trembling hands because she knew that everything she had just said, spencer wanted with savannah and now, he had to find with someone else? 

"she's allowing you to move on because she knows how miserable you'll be if you don't allow it for yourself," emily continues, a small smile on her face as spencer finally looks at her and nods his head timidly 

emily then got them both standing and she pulled him into a hug before whispering something into his ear. 

"sav loved and still loves you so much, spence. she may not have said it verbally but, she made the entire team promise her that we would make sure you find another girl. she even made luke promise her that he'd tell you that she does love you and how sorry she is that we couldn't all come back home alive," emily and spencer pulled out of the hug as she gave her friend one more comforting look and spencer nodded his head, speaking up softly 

"i know what i signed up for when i decided to join the fbi, if i was scared...if i was scared, i would have made the intelligent decision to leave when emily faked her death to escape doyle!" he tearfully whispered, choking up on his words as he and emily giggled softly at the choice of words their fellow agent and girlfriend had picked for her last words reminding them that they'd never forget how comedic the young agent could be, even in what was a scary and heartbreaking moment 

fin

so many of my sad criminal minds fics are so similar to one another but, i just love them all the same for some demented reason lol.

©⠀amberscriminalmind's original work. do not translate or steal any of my fics. 2025

[scorpsik]

FIC; Spectre

After Bailey's death, Emily finds other ghosts haunting her nightmares.

Read here on Ao3: SPECTRE

[spritehouse]

Criminal Minds Grief Fic Challenge!

This is my first challenge, so let me know if I need to clarify anything, but here we go!

This challenge is centered around one or multiple characters grieving a loved one. Characters can include canon characters, OCs, Reader/Self-inserts, etc. as long as it exists in the Criminal Minds universe.

Rules/guidelines after the cut!

Rules/Guidelines:

Fics can include any characters, including canon characters, reader/self-insert, OCs, etc as long as it exists in the Criminal Minds universe. They can include any ships (romantic, platonic, familial) or none

Stories can be any genre or trope and can include as much or as little angst/fluff as you want. Please remember to include all necessary Trigger/Content Warnings.

Tag me in your fics on here, or add them to ShortMC's Criminal Minds Grief Challenge on ao3 (barring any complications with the setup)

Work can be pre-existing or new as long as it fits the guidelines

I don't have a set deadline/end for this yet; I just want to see what people write! (If/When I make a challenge masterlist, I'll try to keep it updated)

No prompts, I can barely come up with my own ideas, go crazy!

[spencermyangel]

Tara finding out about Spencer's dad sexually abusing him. Maybe she's the first person he ever admitted it too.

CW - CSA

“Michael Woodworth,” Emily said as she placed a photo of a blond man on the board. He was smiling, but it didn’t reach his eyes “This is our unsub. He’s the son of our victim. He moved to South Carolina when he turned 18, changed his name, and has made countless accusations of sexual abuse against his father, but was never taken seriously.” 

“Why would he come back to kill him though?” JJ questioned.

Emily sighed, “his father’s been trying to get back in his life. And in Michael’s son’s life.” 

Realization fell over everyone in the room.

“Well, let’s go pick him up,” Rossi said.

Tara got up with everyone else and was about to follow them out of the room when she noticed that Spencer hadn’t moved from his seat. He was staring blankly at the photo of Michael. 

“Hey, are you okay?” she gently asked, trying not to startle him. 

Ever since prison she had been sure to check up on Reid and, given her expertise, she was often the one who would help Spencer when he shut down, or was panicking. 

Spencer blinked before looking up at her, “yeah. Yeah, I'm fine,” he said, his voice unconvincing. He sounded shooken up. 

Tara sat next to him, as he avoided looking at her. 

“You know you can tell me if you’re not feeling well, if you’re having a hard time.” 

Tara wasn’t sure what would have triggered it, but she had gotten good at picking up on when Spencer was spiralling as they had gotten pretty close, with her helping him. 

Spencer shook his head, “I can’t tell you. Not this.” 

“What is it?” Tara watched him with worried eyes, “you can tell me anything, Spencer. I wouldn't ever judge you.” 

Spencer let out a humourless laugh and shook his head, “I don’t blame him. I understand why he did it.” 

Tara nodded, “I’m sure we all do.”

“No,” Spencer shook his head and finally looked at her, “not like me. I… I used to think, if I stopped him then he could never hurt anyone ever again. But I couldn’t do it.”

“What? Who?” Tara whispered, starting to put some pieces together. Someone had hurt Spencer? Like that? Had he been living with this on his own, forever?

Spencer dropped his head down and stared at the table as tears filled his eyes, “my father, ever since I was four years old, right up until he left,” he whispered, shame in his voice. 

“Spencer,” Tara reached her hand out and placed it on his, gently rubbing it, “I’m so sorry, you didn’t deserve that.” 

Spencer shrugged, “I still wonder if he ever hurt anyone else, if he is hurting anyone else. So, yeah, I understand why Michael did what he did,” Spencer lifted his head up and met Tara’s eyes, “don’t worry, I’m not going to go after him.”

“I know,” Tara assured him. 

Spencer nodded, “But I would be lying if I hadn’t thought about how it would be easier if he were dead, then I could be sure he wasn’t hurting anyone.” 

“I understand, Spencer.” 

“Thank you,” Spencer let out a deep sigh, “You know, you're the first person I’ve ever told about this. I’ve never even admitted aloud.” 

Tara’s heart broke at the thought of Spencer, sweet Spencer, living with this since he was four years old. Never telling anyone, never having anyone to help him. 

“If you ever need to talk, Spencer, I’m here,” Tara told him. 

“I know,” he whispered, “Thank you.” he looked at Tara with sincere and grateful eyes.

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[babiebomsmasterlist]

For all of your Criminal Minds needs

Headcanons

Spencer Reid x reader with ADHD

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Spencer comforting you after you lose your friends

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Reader insert fics

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[boredandelusive]

23.

More time has passed than I thought, but since I'm on spring break from college, I can at least upload this part and the next before I go back. Shit has been hectic, and though I'm not sure when the next chapter will be that I upload besides the second half of her performance, I think it's a start. Enjoy these fluffy moments... Link to the playlist here.

♞

Even if she didn't want to see his face in the crowd, she still had a performance to get through and her unresolved feelings will not impede that. Taking her seat as the first violinist, the oboe played a note, signaling the rest of the band to tune to that note. As the note rang through the building, anyone in the crowd immediately went silent to not interrupt the performance.

"Hana-Bi" was the first song to play, and the piano began the tune with the orchestra following behind. A visual in the background followed streaks of light. As the piano stopped playing, the musical dynamics never faltered, even as the tune expressed an emotion that couldn't be said.

As the piano had a solo with the first seatings in the instrumental arrangements, the cello and double bass quieted down. Kiara and Milton were the only two who played at this moment, the piano following the violin. Even as her nerves grew, her fingers remained unchanging, and when her solo was over, the sound of the other instruments plucking their strings with the piano gave a feeling of walking on clouds.

When the piano played solo for a bit, the rest of the orchestra followed behind with the climax of the song. The difference in playing speed to sound like the song went too fast was purposeful, yet the other instruments caught up in time for the resolution of the song. When the first song finished, there was an immediate shift to "Doves and the Boy/The Girl Who Fell from the Sky."

Trumpet and Cornet began the song to sound like angels playing over a crowd. The rest of the instruments followed suit, the percussion both leading and following. As the piano brought in the next movement, double reed instruments had a supporting part before the violins began the next movement in the heartfelt song. The sound of the cymbals crashing with the rest of the orchestra following into the music went in tandem with the visual of a floating castle caught in the cloud.

Cellos led the sound before the strings ushered the climax, yet each instrument played could be heard as the support to another. Even if the song's end led to an upbeat march, the feeling wouldn't be forgotten. "A Street Brawl/The Chase/Floating with the Crystal" was the next selection to play as the snare led the band in tempo.

The orchestra's sound grew fuller as the song moved to a faster tempo, resembling a march. This was not the end, however, as the next movement had more action from the brass instruments. The song's final climax led to fast-fingered trills within the violins as the brass instruments led the piece.

What brought the song to a close was the violins, bringing the sound to a relaxing tone as if whisking through a forest to a side of paradise. "Memories of Gondoa" had a lighthearted sound from the flutes and violins playing together. Because the song is shorter than the others, "The Crisis/Disheartened Pazu" followed with an urgent tone in the beginning.

The oboe brought the tone of worry into the music, with the first violins leading the music. Because there was a false sense of relief, the song's end gave a quiet hand into "Robot Soldier/Resurrection-Rescue." A more demanding and action-packed song followed, giving way to the strings and snare leading the audience to a climax of a march-like ending.

"Gran'ma Dola" started with an immediate tone, like someone snuck around, but still had the power to it. The straightforward piece left a feeling of no discussion, but when the orchestra quieted for the oboe/bassoon solo, the rest of the instruments came with a forceful tone. The violin used a feeling of compassion before the song's tempo sped up to give the audience an edge.

"The Castle of Time" was led with violin and the other strings coming in after the solo. The leading tone within the song was picked up by the flutes leading the next section before giving the melody to the violins. A climb to the height of the song felt like discovering something new before the resolve faded to the next song.

"Innocent" began with the piano playing a solo while the rest of the orchestra quieted down. Once the rest of the string instruments followed the cues, the tone of the song would bring tears to anyone who listened. What followed the cello/piano moved to a part with Kiara, specifically making her lead the trio section in the song. Even though this song had an entire orchestra to follow, the four of the group only played.

"The Eternal Tree of Life" transitioned the end from piano to vibraphone with flutes following the percussion before the rest of the accompaniment followed. The song was short, even if the feeling lasted forever. This song concluded the "Castle in the Sky" suite, leaving the audience room to clap as one section of the performance finished.

"The Legend of Ashitaka" was one of the few songs that weren't in a set like the previous songs. Timpani began the tune, followed only by the low strings, before clarinets came in to alleviate the warning in the song. As the orchestra built its sound, three seconds of silence passed before the strings led to the music.

The rising and fall of each note swayed the music of trees in a light wind before the French horns, cornet, and piano ushered in the next movement. The experience brought joy to Kiara's face, washing away any final feeling of regret. Even as the music quieted down to let the oboe's part show out, the cornet followed and brought the climax of the song to an astounding volume that echoes from the walls.

From one instrument to another, the call and response from one section to another with cymbals crashing led to a beautiful resolve. The next song, "On a Clear Day/A Town with an Ocean View" began with an exploring feeling as if arriving somewhere beautiful and quiet.

When the rest of the orchestra joined in, the fluttering sounds of the flutes mimicking birds paved to a sound unmatched. The sight of a child on a broomstick flying into town showed on the screen before showing her coming into town for the first time. The second half of the music began with a volume suddenly diminished to half the value.

While the piano and flute responded to the brass's call, the music connected once again to give a fluttering feeling to the audience's call. Kiara's small solo in the song only played with the bassoon responding and the second violins being the background. The climax of the song led to a galloping point in the song before the feeling switched to that of a waltz.

The song leaves on a high note, transitioning to "Madness" without time to clap for the previous song. A sense of urgency returns in the music, led by the piano with the supporting parts in the rest of the orchestra. Even with the frantic notes being played with precision and accuracy, the flutes were not silenced with their runs.

Tempo never slowed down as the eerie feeling only remained without a breath of relief. A call from the piano to the strings only increased any feelings of rush, yet there was still no sense of relief found. Sharp notes from the violins mimic the footsteps of people rushing away from an imaginary situation. The song comes to a brash end, leaving the audience on a cliffhanger.

As the audience claps from the previous song, "One Summer's Day" began with the piano and the strings leading the song. Even as the smooth tone never changed in the music, there wasn't a moment that grew to fill the room, leaving the audience to lean forward to hear the music better. Only toward the end did an adventurous tone arise from the sound.

"Princess Mononoke" followed immediately after as the piano-led yet another song. Where Kiara's accompanied solo to the other instruments, leaning into the touch of her strings. The rest of the sound followed her lead, inviting the cello and double basses to support the sound. Though her part in the song came to an end, she passed the melody onto the flutes, but their part was quick to return it.

Winding up the music to the climax, the notes flying from the fingers of the violin and flute players were nothing to ignore. As the piano closed out the song, the curtains drew to a close. "We will now have a thirty-minute intermission," a voice announced overhead. Even though the show was only halfway through, the past hour felt magical.

Behind the curtains, Kiara stood from her seat and placed her violin down. Regrouping with the others, she met Milton, Katie-Marie, and Maralyn. "That was amazing!" Maralyn cheered, and Kiara and Katie-Marie laughed out of their anxiety. "I mean, hearing the songs in practice is one thing, but connecting it with the acoustics of the room made it sound heavenly."

"I forget you're a music major," Milton says as the group moves to the wings of the stage. "I was so scared I would mess up and everyone would hear the parts I messed up back in practice," he says as he flexes his fingers. "But then it was like muscle memory."

"I'm surprised the flutist was okay with you taking some of her solos in the songs she was supposed to play in," Katie-Marie pointed out, yet Kiara shook her head. "Also, was that your older sister in the crowd?"

"Yeah, how'd you know?" She asks next, yet when Katie-Marie pointed to the person behind her, she watched as Mia approached the group. "We'll give you some time," she says as the others move away from the sisters.

"Kiara, that was amazing! I told you there is nothing to worry about," Mia says as she grabs Kiara's hands and held them close.

"There was nothing to worry about. What is Spencer doing here? I didn't tell him about my performance." even though the two weren't an item anymore, she still had anxiety about him being in the Opera House. "And I didn't think you knew him well enough to tell him about tonight."

"That's because I didn't tell him about tonight. You might've forgotten if you told some girls in the BAU, but I know Garcia enough to tell you she would've been the one to tell the others. For now, focus on your performance, and don't worry about Spencer. I'm sure he's only here to apologize."

"You act like this is something to sweep under the rug, Mia. I'm not sure I'm ready to talk to him again," no matter how much Kiara convinced herself that she would do fine without him, it was obvious she couldn't let go so easily. Seeing his face after the things he'd said last time without apologizing once and then showing up at a performance she didn't mention...?

"Will you relax? Most guys who break off the relationship don't come crawling back asking for a second chance, especially not someone you were gushing to me for hours on end. When your performance is over, will you at least give him a chance? You might not like it, but you need to listen to the man first before you push him away?" Mia knew how her sister would get, not only because she was stubborn, but convincing herself to not listen to her heart took time.

"I might, but there had better be a good reason for him saying everything he did and showing up after that," even if Kiara didn't realize it now, she was still willing to give Spencer one chance, and that was all he would need. "Intermission ends in five minutes. I need to get back to the stage and grab my second instrument."

Mia watched as Kiara moved away and toward the stage again. "At least listen to what he says! Don't judge him without hearing everything first!" Even if Kiara didn't say anything in response, a sister's intuition told her she would be okay, even if it didn't seem like it now.

[meowiemari]

I really love this whole situation with dom drop and how it works. I only ever known about BSDM like about what it is but never the parts you hav to be careful for. I love How Stella handle the situation with Spencer and how Spencer explained. This is wonderful writing.

Sticks and Stones - Chapter 6 [Spencer Reid x fem! Reader]

Taglist is open, and now has an option to be tagged in this series - you can find the form here.

A/N - here is chapter 6! Lyrics are from Carefully by Demi Lovato, which you can listen to here.

/// indicates change of perspective. Starts in Spencer's POV.

This fic is a slow burn. Strangers to friends to very eventual lovers. Smut to come in later chapters but you will have to bear with it!

CW: mentions of dom drop and brief mentions of BDSM world, angst, angry Spencer, a few swears.

Previous Chapter | Next Chapter

WC: 3K

—————————————————————

Chapter 6 - Carefully

Intoxicating,

My insecurities don’t take vacations.

So, babe, if you think you can handle me,

Please handle me carefully.

I found Dahlia in the round table room with Penelope, Tara and Rossi. She wasn’t crying anymore, she was staring numbly at the wall.

“She hasn’t said anything, just keeps staring at the wall.” Rossi whispered to me as I arrived with Stella in tow.

“What the fuck did JJ say to her?” I hissed at Emily.

“I don’t really know.” Emily shrugged. “I’ve sent her home to cool off.”

I sighed loudly, still clenching my jaw to the point it was aching.

I stepped into the room and was awash with emotions but none of them were good.

My body flooded with anger, at whom I wasn’t sure. But I knew it was going to find its way out as soon as I opened my mouth.

“Can you not keep it together for an hour while I go home and change?”

My words made her snap her gaze away from the wall and her eyes landed on me.

“W-what?” her lip quivered.

“Do I seriously have to babysit you every second of the day?”

“Reid!” Garcia scalded me but I ignored her.

“Seriously, I haven’t had a minute's peace since she arrived here. Your asshole boyfriend isn’t worth crying over sweetheart.”

“Spencer!” Stella grabbed me by my shoulder a little roughly. “Stop it!”

“I-I don’t understand.” Y/N started crying and Garcia put her arm around the fragile woman.

“Understand this, you are a pain in-“

“Spencer!” Stella cut me off. “With me, now.” She grabbed my arm and tugged me with her while the others watched in confusion as she dragged me out of the room.

“Spencer, you know what this is right?” She spoke once we were out of earshot of everyone.

“This is work Stella, that’s what it is.” I folded my arms.

“No Spencer, this is a Dom drop. Do you remember when we first started this? You explained it to me. The signs, what to look out for.”

“So there’s also a thing called Dom drop that you should be aware of.”

“There’s a lot to this.” Stella laughed a little. “Ok shoot Doc.”

“It’s a sensation of restlessness, depression, guilt and anger and can last a few hours after a scene. I might become despondent and try to push you away. I might even become hyper aggressive. I need you to know in case that ever happens.” I explained to her.

“Ok.” She nodded. “So what do I need to do if you experience this?”

“Well there are a few things…”

“This isn’t that. I’m just pissed off.” I shook my head in denial.

“Spencer Reid,” she put her hands on my shoulders. “You are experiencing Dom drop and I am here for you. If you need to talk or anything I am here.”

She moved behind me, her hands still on my shoulders and she started massaging them.

“It’s ok Spence, play is over. You can let go. You can relax.”

“Can I?” I grumbled, closing my eyes and trying to focus on the feel of her hands on my shoulders.

“Yes, you can. You did nothing wrong. It was just a scene, you are nothing like him.”

I always thought Stella had the ability to read my mind. This felt like proof.

“You need to come down, Pony. Come back to reality. Come back to me.”

What had I done? How could I yell at Y/N like that? She was already terrified and I’d just made everything ten times worse.

“What was that?”

When I opened my eyes Tara was in front of me, eyebrows raised.

“What was that?” she repeated as Stella let go of my shoulders, but stayed close.

“I don’t know.” I admitted. “I don’t know. God, I need to apologize to her.” I rushed away from the two women and back towards the round table room.

Rossi was crouched beside her, trying to calm her while Garcia had her arm around her.

“Dahlia,” I approached with caution. But the damage was done.

She whimpered, shuffling behind Garcia to shield me from her.

“Dahlia, I am so sorry. I don’t know what came over me.”

“I’m going to talk for her.” Garcia growled at me. She had never spoken to me like that before. “You crossed a line, Reid, a huge line. She trusted you to take care of her and you ruined that. She doesn’t want to talk to you. She doesn’t want to see you.”

I looked at Y/N over Garcia’s shoulder but she wouldn’t make eye contact with me. I didn’t blame her.

“We found Hawthorne.” Rossi spoke up now.

“What?” I gasped a little.

“He’s in custody. We found him while you were...doing whatever it is that you were doing at home.” Rossi looked disappointed in me.

“I was showering and grabbing a change of clothes.” my words didn’t sound convincing.

“Funny seeing as you were wearing that when you left.” Garcia scoffed. “And you smell worse than you did a few hours ago.”

“Y/N is going home.” Rossi spoke again before I had a chance to defend myself. “I suggest you do the same too, kid. Sleep off whatever this is.”

“Y/N, please,” I ignored him. “Please let me explain.”

She whimpered again. She was afraid of me. She was afraid of me the same way she was afraid of Brett. It tore apart my chest. The way she was cowering away from me was like a knife cutting me open, exposing my insides to the world. But I had no one to blame but myself.

I knew if I tried to force my apology on her I would only make her more frightened so I retreated, knowing in the long run it was for the best.

I stepped aside, clearing a space for Rossi and Garcia to lead her from the room, like two mismatched bodyguards.

As she passed she made the briefest of eye contact with me, long enough so I could see what my words had done to her. She didn’t trust easily, that much was evident. But she’d trusted me, and I’d thrown it back in her face.

I’d only ever wanted to make her smile. But somehow I had done the complete opposite. And I wondered if that would ever stop hurting.

///

It went to show how little I had really gotten to know Doctor Reid when he spoke to me like that. I shouldn’t have been surprised. I certainly shouldn’t have been as upset as I was about it.

I’d spent less than a week with him and somehow managed to fool myself that I knew him.

I would wonder how someone could hide the real version of themselves so well if I hadn’t just found out I’d spent eleven years of my life with a serial killer.

Nothing surprised me now. So I wasn’t shocked by Doctor Reid’s outburst. I was upset, I scared, I was confused; but not surprised.

Maybe this was just the way things were going to be now, people were going to constantly let me down.

That’s just great. That’s just what I need.

It felt like I’d been away from my house for years. Nothing had changed, it was all as I’d left it. But everything was different.

I feel like a stranger in these walls. It was as though I’d never stepped foot in this house in my life until this second.

Nothing was different than it had been a few days ago, only everything was different. And it would never be the same again.

I didn’t even turn on the lights, didn’t make it past the living room.

The events of the last few days came crumbling down on me. My fiancé was a serial killer. My fiancé had been killing women for five years and I’d been none the wiser.

How? How could that be possible? Had I really buried my head so far in the sand I hadn’t seen the signs?

My legs gave out under the weight of it all and I collapsed on the floor, tears streaming down my face.

And I started to scream. There was so much pent up inside of me and it seemed the only way to let it out.

So I screamed and I cried. Then I cried and I screamed. And even when my tear ducts felt dry and my throat was raw I cried and I screamed some more.

///

“We need to talk about what happened.” I was halfway to my bedroom when Stella stopped me with her words.

I sighed loudly.

“Not now Stella. I need to sleep off this god awful day. I don’t have any talk in me.”

“Fine,” she huffed. “You don’t want to talk fine. But you are damn sure going to listen.”

She took hold of me by my wrist and pulled me to the couch which didn’t take a lot of effort on her part because I was too exhausted to fight.

“You are a good person Spencer Reid, one of the best in fact.” She took hold of my hands. “You are nothing like that man, nothing do you hear me? You are kind and you are sweet. You always take care of me, a cruel man wouldn’t do that. You always make sure I’m ok above all else. I know this is scary for you because you’ve never experienced a drop before but we both knew it was always a possibility. It was a momentary state Spencer, it does not define you as a person.”

“She trusted me,” I snatched my hands out of hers. “She trusted me, she opened up to me and I completely fucking shattered that in the space of five minutes.”

Stella squeezed my knee, giving me a sympathetic smile.

“It was out of your control, Spence.”

“That’s the worst part.” I shook my head sadly.

Just then my phone started to ring and I considered just ignoring it because I was exhausted. But I knew I couldn’t.

With a large sigh I put the device to my ear.

“Reid.” I held my breath. There couldn’t be another case already, surely? “What? No, I’m glad you called. I’ll head right over.”

I was already up and heading to the door before I hung up the phone.

“What’s going on?” Stella was frowning at me. “You don’t have to go back to Quantico do you?”

“No, not Quantico.” I grabbed my bag. “I’ll explain later, ok?”

She gave me a look as though she was going to press it but she didn’t.

“Just be careful, yeah?”

I smiled softly at her and nodded.

“I always am.”

***

The house seemed quiet by the time I arrived and all the lights were off.

I know she wouldn’t want to see me, I was the last person she would want to see, but I had to make sure she was ok.

I knocked quietly on the door hoping not to startle her. But there was no answer. I tried one more time but again she didn’t answer.

So I tried the handle. To my surprise the door was unlocked. I suppose after spending years locked in she wasn’t in a hurry to repeat that.

“Y/N?” I called out into the dark as I entered, hand on the butt of my gun ready to draw it, just in case. “Y/N? It’s me, Spencer.”

I heard a sniffling followed by, “go a-away I don’t want you h-here.”

I followed the voice and found her sitting in the corner of the room with her back against the wall and her knees pulled up to her chest.

The moonlight seeped in through the open curtains and I could see the tear stains on her cheeks.

“Dahlia?” I removed my hand from my holstered weapon.

“Please g-go away. You are the last p-person I want to see.” She wouldn’t make eye contact with me. We’d gone back to square one.

“I’m not going anywhere.”

“Why are you h-here?” She tried to sound angry but she only sounded broken.

“Your neighbours called the police, they heard screaming. Emily heard about it and called me. She thought it would be better for me to come than the cops.”

“I don’t want you here.”

I noticed then she was picking at the stitches on her wrist.

I dropped to the floor next to her and took hold of her elbow, guiding her arm away from her fidgeting fingers.

She flinched a little at my touch and it shattered me.

“You’ll hurt yourself.”

“So?” She sniffed. “P-please leave.”

She shuffled away from me, the fear evident in her eyes.

She was scared of me. It killed me, but I knew it was my own fault.

“I am so, so sorry for what I said to you and how I acted Dahlia. The last thing I ever wanted to do was scare you.”

“I t-trusted you. You knew what h-he did to me.”

I wanted to reach for her, to hold her but I didn’t want to scare her more.

“Y/N, I’m not that man, I swear.” I was desperate not to cry, but the guilt was consuming me. “I hate that you’re scared of me now.”

“L-leave then. I’ll feel b-better if you leave.”

“I can’t in good conscience leave you like this.”

She still refused to look at me. I knew I was going to have to be straight with her.

“Look Dahlia, this is by no means a good excuse for the way I acted but you need to know why I reacted like that.” I sighed. “I suppose the simplest way to put it is I’m into BDSM. Stella, the woman who was with me, is my submissive and she has been for years. Just before I came back to Quantico we had done a scene. And for the first time I was experiencing what is known as a Dom drop. It’s when your mind can’t quite accept a scene is over and you get stuck in this dominant state. The man that yelled at you was someone I usually leave in the bedroom. I didn’t have a chance to properly adjust afterwards. Like I say, it’s not an excuse, it’s just what happened.”

Finally she turned to look at me.

Her face was a picture of confusion which I anticipated. People found it hard to understand the lifestyle.

“I don’t understand.”

I nodded, knowing I needed to elaborate.

“During a scene the body is releasing dopamine which is giving this high and as soon as the scene is over there is this sudden drop in hormones. During a scene our bodies tap into our sugar content, which leads to lower sugar levels which can make us feel irritable. Also the release of oxytocin can be accompanied by vasopressin which induces feelings of possession and territoriality. Does that make sense? I was in an altered state. It wasn’t me. I mean it was me, but it wasn’t me.” I was rambling, my words coming out faster than I was sure she could process them.

“Regardless of chemicals, you hurt me Spencer. You scared me. I t-trusted you.”

“I know I did Dahlia, and I am so, so sorry.”

“Why do you keep calling me that?” she chewed her lip with a frown.

And I could have lied to her, but I didn’t.

“During the Victorian era, Dahlia flowers symbolised a lasting bond or a lifelong commitment between two people. In the present day they are a symbol to commemorate something new. Meeting you was something my mind wanted to mark and I don’t know what it is but as soon as I laid eyes on you I knew I was bound to you. In what way I’m not sure. But Dahlia just seemed fitting.” I probably sounded crazy, but I wasn’t going to lie to her. I would never lie to her.

“You’re a very interesting man Spencer.” she replied, making me chuckle a little.

“Does that mean I’m forgiven?”

She mused on this for a moment, I’m not sure if she was trying to make me stew or not. Either way it was working.

“I’m not sure forgiven is the right word. But I do appreciate your honesty. You know, you remind me of the Seeker from the book.” Then she gave me the slightest hint of a smile.

And I knew more than ever that I was most certainly bound to this woman.

///

Spencer stayed with me for several hours, sitting on the floor in the dark side by side.

We mostly discussed Wizard's First Rule now I was finished reading it and he was telling me about the rest of the books in the series.

I hung off his every word. I meant it when I said he was interesting although fascinating would have been a better linguistic choice. He spoke with passion no matter the subject and it enthralled me.

By the time he stood from the floor and helped me up, the sun was starting to rise.

“Take my number.” He fished his card out of his satchel and handed it to me. “In case you ever need anything. Even if it’s just for the next book.”

I nodded slightly, taking the card although I wasn’t sure I would ever use it.

“What do you think you’ll do now?” He asked me as I walked him to the door.

“I honestly don’t know. I have a lot of things to process before I can even start thinking about rebuilding my life.” I opened the door for him, it was still a new experience being able to open my own front door.

“Well if you ever need help processing…” he trailed off as he stepped out onto the porch.

“Thanks.” I nodded.

We held each other's gaze for several long seconds. There seemed to be so much unsaid between us in those moments.

Some many words passed subconsciously between us, all the things we were both too afraid to say out loud.

But I knew he understood me. And I understood him.

After a little while he gave me a thoughtful smile.

“Well, goodbye Dahlia.”

“Goodbye Seeker.”

—————————————————————

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Caught in Your Focus

sum: Emily Prentiss, one of the most famous photographers comes to Iverson University, home to the NCAA’s pride and joy, Y/n Y/l/n. What was supposed to be a 2 month long documentary turned into a scandalous affair.

(not proof read)

WARNING: jealous!emily, photographer!emily, D1 volleyball Player!reader, cheating, cannon!jemily, athlete injury, slight angst, age gap, a tad of smut (ik im feeding you guys finally)

The smack of volleyball’s hitting the court never got old, after hearing it for almost all of her life it felt like home. The court was her therapy, her escape from reality. Her whole life that’s all that she wanted to do, be a volleyball Player, and that’s what she got and more. She was considered one of the best Libero’s in the nation and still people expected more from her.

But, she couldn’t cared about that now, not when the best photographer in the world is infront of her. On her knees for that matter.

“Em, faster” y/n groaned, gripping onto the sink in the bathroom. Her knees seemed to buckle as Emily lapped at her like it was the last thing she’s taste. The photographer slapped her thigh, “what did I say, baby?” She half groaned, only burning her face deeper in y/n.

A knock was heard from the door and one of y/n’s teamates voices called out, “N/n? It’s almost game time, we have to warm up!” Nicole yelled, y/n could barely speak without moaning so she prayed that her voice wouldn’t betray her.

“I’ll- be right out!” She squeaked out, as she put her hands on Emily’s shoulder’s bringing her closer, chasing her high. “nuh-uh, sweet girl, you’ll get your reward later,” she smirked, rising to her feet and fluffing out her curls. Y/n whined, pulling up her sweat pants. She looked as if she’s already played the game.

“Fine..” she grumbled, hugging Emily from behind. “Y’know, if JJ finds out, we’ll both be in trouble” Y/n chuckled, looking at the sparkling rock on Emily’s finger. The guilt ate away at her, but she needed Emily so bad that at this point she didn’t care who got hurt. “Hey…she’s not gonna find out,” Emily cooed, turning around to hug the younger woman, “If she does then, we’ll figure it out. Don’t worry your pretty head about it, focus on your game.” She assured, pecking her forehead sweetly, and giving her a few more kisses on her face careful not to leave a stain. It would be quite the story to tell if y/n had a lipstick stain on the semi-final championship game. “Now go, before your team wonders where you are”

Y/n nodded, reluctantly leaving, she never loved anything more than her sport, but if she ever needed to she’d quit in a second to be with Emily. This woman had affected her life in so many ways that it made her head spin, what made the whole affair scandalous is that Emily was married, to Jennifer Jareau no less. Y’know, she’s only one of the biggest movie stars on earth.

Emily stood in her bathroom fixing her makeup and clothes, she held her letterman jacket close to her. It had the University colors on it with y/n’s last name and jersey number on the back. It looked good on her, she knew that her marriage had been in shambles so y/n had been her way out. She had no plans of falling back in love with someone but the bright woman had changed them. “Prentiss! The game is starting in 30, we need you!” One of her colleague’s, Tara Lewis, called from outside the door. “Coming!” She replied, opening the door with a smile, Tara had filled her in on what type of shots they’d be needing, and told her about the magazine spread that she needed to shoot with y/n. Emily mentally took notes as her and Tara’s team was already assembling equipment and trying hard not to get hit with rogue volleyballs.

————

The game was heated, with Iverson up by 5. If they managed to take another point they’d move into the next set. Y/n kept getting dig after dig and was beggining to get tired. It wasn’t until the Outside Hitter had hit the ball over. It was so fast that Diana, the Leftback DS couldn’t get to it in time and shanked it. Y/n ran as fast as she could, her lungs screaming for air. She manage to pass it in, which made the crowd burst into a rapturous applause. But that was cut short when, y/n slipped and fell over some tables, her ankle twisting.

She wanted to get back up, she really did. But the pain shot through her and she screamed in pain. Her teammates didn’t notice that she wasn’t back and made the point cheering in Victory until they realized why the audience had gotten to quiet.

They all gasped, seeing the medics rush over to Y/n, her hands on her face as she wished every camera and person would just go away. They propped up her ankle and people began to murmur and worriedly converse amoungst themselves.

“Hey, y/n, come on, breathe, you’ll be just fine” Coach Oaklyn said, consulting with the medics and worriedly asking if it’ll be fine if she continue playing.

Emily was in the crowd, she watched the whole thing happen and she couldn’t help but felt her heart drop, leaving JJ in the stands calling out to her, she raced down the stairs and onto the court pushing past the security. They yelled at her to freeze but she didn’t listen. The press is sure gonna have a field day, she didn’t even care that they were broadcasting live.

****

“It looks as if Y/n Y/l/n has been injured, medics are consulting with Coach Oaklyn to see if she’s still fit to play, we all are keeping her in our prayers.” One of the announcers, Tom, said into the microphone.

“Yes, everyone is wondering if the all-star athlete, y/n y/l/n is okay. Right now, we are all praying that she is safe.” The other announcer, Beca agreed, some commotion began to happen and people began cursing as someone ran through the Stadium. “Folks, we are sorry for the Fruity language, but it seems as though world renowned photographer, Emily Prentiss is running through the Stadium like her life depends on it.” Beca continued, looking at the scene, Tom tried to understand what was happening and it wasn’t until she pushed through security that they realized. “Oh, looks like we have a photographer gone rogue, Prentiss has just pushed through security and headed straight for…y/l/n!” He smiled, impressed with her determination.

“Tom, to me it kinda seems like they’re more than just friends, but she just pushed passes those muscular guys like it was nothing!”

****

“Hey, she’s fine!” Oaklyn screamed at the security, as Emily went beside y/n, “Are you okay?” Emily panicked, holding her face, “Em…it hurts, I- can’t-” she gasped, unable to catch her breath the loud voices and screaming seemed to Echo and get 10x louder than they were. She covered her ears and whined, “It’s okay, sweet girl, I’m here, you’ll be alright.” Emily comforted, holding her close, the medic informed all of them that y/n to make it to the bench for them to wrap it.

“No, no, please, I can’t- It’s too hard“ she begged, looking at her coach for support on it. But Emily refused to let her give up on herself. “Y/n, look at me, I know it hurts so bad, but you have to fight, there’s a reason they call you the best, are you really gonna let those stupid girls beat you at your game?” She stated sternly, y/n shook her head ‘no’. “That’s what I thought, c’mon, let’s get up” Emily gave her a hand and assisted her to the bench. She had a grade one sprain that was pretty bad but not so much where she had to sit out for too long. She would surely have quite a few bruises, and her arm was a little cut up from getting caught into table,

“Y/n, if you play this, you might not be able to play for the rest of the season” Oaklyn tried reasoning with y/n, only to be met with a hand. “Then let this be my last game”

She walked onto the court with a limp and got onto position, Oaklyn sighed, giving Emily a shrug of defeat, y/n could be really stubborn when she wanted to be.

———

The game ended with Iverson winning, rightfully so. Y/n collapse onto a seat and whimpered, her ankle killing her. The medics gave her another check up and said that not much more damage had been done and told her that around 5 weeks of rest.

Y/n sighed, it wasn’t that much time, plus the March tournament wasn’t for another 3 months due to Basketball. As they all left, y/n saw Emily and Jennifer talking they seemed happy. It made the younger woman a little jealous at the fact Jennifer could make Emily laugh like that, even if they were married. Emily was y/n’s.

“Hey, y/n, you okay?” Nicole asked, placing a hand on y/n’s thigh, it broke her out of all her thoughts and she shifted her focus. “Yeah, I’m just scared, y’know. There was so many things that could’ve gone wrong, Thank the Lord that it was only a small sprain” she chuckled, Nicole laughed with her, “Well, if you ever need anything you know I’m always here for you”

ahem.

Both women looked up to see Emily with her arms crossed, her face was clearly jealous. “Well, I need to take this one home now, have a good evening, Nicole” The older woman said hurriedly, grabbing her arm and helping her out. Once in the parking lot, y/n huffed, feeling the comfort of Emily’s jeep. The silence gave you peace, but Emily not so much. You knew her by now, and she was pissed for what ever reason.

”I saw you talking to JJ, you two seemed quite happy” Y/n said, no idea what she was trying to say. “Yeah, because we’re getting a divorce” she deadpanned, never once looking over at y/n. “Oh…I’m sorry” Y/n frowned, lowering her gaze to her lap.

Emily and JJ were once happy, but that isn’t the case anymore, not after Will LaMontagne entered her life. They’d been seeing eachother on the side for months, what was the point of marriage then?

“It’s okay, really, it was a mutual agreement.” She said, placing a hand in her thigh, “She found out, about you, I mean” Emily smiled, the car stopping slowly as she pulled into y/n’s drive way.

“Was she mad..?” Y/n murmured, looking up with a slight sniffle. “No, baby, she was happy, actually, she said that she always knew that from the moment she met you…I guess we weren’t so sneaky”

The silence wasn’t awkward, it was awfully comfortable, it scared the volleyball player. Her whole life the screeching and screaming on courts and audiences was the norm, she didn’t have too much silence in her life. It was her last year playing at the collegiate level, she didn’t know what to do after this, she was pursuing a Career in arts so maybe something like that. She’d never been on a path she was really sure on. Volleyball was her life and now that it was almost over, she was lost. “We’ll figure it out. together.”

——————

Anyways, this was in my drafts a for a long while 🥲

There was a part two but I’ll have to hunt for that

@mxmmyprentiss