#tapu irlposting

[tapucocoafgc]

Everyone please stop what you are doing and look at my child

Very anxious but also snuggly void

[tapucocoafgc]

(Cw suicidal thoughts mention)

I've been sitting here since ass o'clock last night, basically when my partner confirmed to me PA sided with Trump and we knew we were completely fucked, trying to articulate the way I feel right now and I really just can't. I thought I'd be angrier but I just fucking feel numb. Between the fact that this even happened to begin with and the straight up celebration that's going on in the main Discord server of the fighting game I love most, if I feel anything other than numbness I just know I'm going to go off. This has been a festering wound with multiple causes for me and last night it finally burst.

I haven't thought seriously about killing myself in years but all through this morning, looking at the end result of this, it flickered back into my head. But I won't. I can't. I've made too much of a life for myself and besides that I know my friends and partner would never forgive me if I up and left. All I can do is try to pick things up and escape when I can. My passport expires in 2028 so that's a desperately needed lifeline at least.

Take care of yourselves and your loved ones and check up on your queer/trans friends in the coming months y'all. We're going to need it

[tapucocoafgc]

Finally got my car fixed, finished the chapter of my story I'd been stuck on writing for ages, started back on the meditation/workout grind, FGs are actually fun again, and my best friend is moving out here in literally 4 days

It's been a rough going the last few weeks, basically ever since we got back from our long weekend trip out to Seattle (which was super fun btw, just realized I never really elaborated on that due to everything going up in flames right after we got back). But maybe

Just maybe

Things are finally starting to look up

[tapucocoafgc]

Boutta spend today avoiding the majority of the internet and eating my feelings

Also reading books but I'd lowkey appreciate if the ones I got that take place in the real world would stop mentioning dictators and martial law because that shit is treading far too close to home for my liking lmfao

[tapucocoafgc]

The amount of times that just eating a fucking meal has solved my moods of "I feel restless and awful and I don't know why" is honestly sort of embarrassing

[tapucocoafgc]

I am the writer ever

[tapucocoafgc]

What is he thinking about

[tapucocoafgc]

Sometimes I forget that despite everything, writing is still one of my favorite hobbies. Just got back to my story for the first time in several weeks today and it felt good to get into the characters' headspaces and expand the world again

It's difficult to get my brain to do the word forming thing but I really do have fun with it when it works. And it's satisfying once it does

I don't really know where I was going with this but I guess the bottom line is, I'm glad I can still feel passionate about something I've essentially been doing my entire life

(and then I remember I am [REDACTED] years old and dear god I'm getting old)

[tapucocoafgc]

The first week of this year feels like it's gone a little too well for me tbh

I'm reluctant to even talk about how good things have been because historically even just thinking "wow, I've been feeling pretty good lately" jinxes the shit out of me, but honestly? I do feel good about the last week???? Chipping away each day at my writing/outline has worked out well and I've felt productive on that front, plus I've been running a lot of good Pokken sets and learning Granblue and feeling confident in both, and it's taken literal months since my surgery but I'm finally settling into a proper exercise routine, and next week I have one last followup appointment and then hopefully I can eat normally again for real

Like aside from stinky people being stinky in my last post in this tag I've felt pretty good. And I want 2024 to be the year it can actually last lmao

[tapucocoafgc]

You ever just

Straight up leave a Discord server over the extreme level of covid denial happening

No? Just me? Got it

[tapucocoafgc]

Heading to a Granblue local with gf later and I'm not even playing in bracket but I'm still nervous af, thanks social anxiety

I blame the fact I haven't had a lot of good experiences trying to integrate myself into new gaming communities. People get real weird about me being a woman and/or pull a complete 180 with how they treat me once they find out I'm spoken for

Granted the covid policy for this particular local is very progressive (2023 booster required for entry) and a lot of people there have player tags that are pretty based so maybe it'll be fine. Doesn't stop the nerves tho

Also unrelated but I wrote the scene I was mentioning on my last writing-related post and it emotionally drained me so bad I had to go take a fucking nap after lol

[tapucocoafgc]

Me updating my story outline and adding an extra cute scene with these two characters: My fucking god! These bitches gay! Good for them. Good for them

[tapucocoafgc]

Had a very good talk with my gf last night that basically boiled down to: you can't care for others until you can care for yourself

And it's so obviously like, I needed to clear brain space to do that anyway, but having another person say it put it really starkly into perspective

[tapucocoafgc]

Just got back from attending a Pokken friend's wedding and it was a super fun weekend, got to hang out with a lot of folks I hadn't seen since 2022. The ceremony was super sweet and I may have cried a little (a lot). Turns out N95s hold a lot of moisture on that little styrofoam bit on the bridge of the nose lol. Everything just reminded me how much I love my friends and want to see them be happy.

It also surprised me just how many old heads of the Pokken community remembered me, like I introduced myself as TapuCocoa and they were like "oh shit, hey, hope you've been good." Lowkey miss when so many chill people were around and active, but oh well, that's what happens when a game gets older I guess.

On a slight negative note, the actual flight experience was one of the worst I've had in a long time. The trip up to the wedding wasn't too bad, but the return trip, which already promised to be trash, ended up being exactly that. We got shuffled off in the opposite direction, then as a result had to make a 5 hour cross country flight from NC back to Cali. And on that flight, for whatever reason, they sat my gf and I six rows apart. In middle seats for our respective rows too, so there was no way we could talk anyone into trading with us. Combine that with delays at the airport and the fact they weirdly singled out my gf's tiny little duffel bag to force her to check it, and the whole thing was just royally awful all around. At the very least, now we are home and don't have to worry about that for the foreseeable future.

All in all, this last month was very busy in terms of travel, but it was still nice to be able to see the people I care about most whether it was my blood family or the family I have made for myself. Amidst everything that's wrong with the world, it's nice to know it's still possible to carve out a place you can call your own.

...ah wait fuck this got sappy out of nowhere, uhhhh hey you kids like memes?

[tapucocoafgc]

Feeling like the personification of anxiety today at having to hop on a plane and go see the people who think randomly verbally abusing me and bitching at me about how much they hate their spouse is peak conversation, but on the bright side I went to take out the trash earlier and it was so cold out I could see my breath and I felt like a dragon

[tapucocoafgc]

Update since my last post: birthday went okay. Had a friend over and we played games and I got to eat some good sushi, plus another friend made me an apple pie and brought it over for us, so that was fun. I've gotten over being mad re: Frostys, and now I just feel kinda bleh. Just about the time I think I've killed my competitive side it comes back with a vengeance and I hate it. I want my ego to stop getting in the way of things but it's hard. Somewhat as a result, I resolved to try cognitive reframing earlier this week, but that's also really hard, as it turns out. It's basically unwinding literal decades of the muscle memory of: insult yourself, you're stupid, you can't do anything right. So that's been rough, but it's also only been a few days so maybe it'll get easier.

I haven't been writing too much due to horrendeous depressive spiral. But I did a little bit this morning which felt good. In addition, I've gotten back on the journaling "grind" so to speak. At this point I'm leaning so hard on the little things to make myself feel better.

I've also been thinking and in light of the fact that the local is fucking dead + we can't really attend majors that much anymore (see: no mask requirement, also CEO? Really, Devcord friends? Why do y'all want to go to an event in fucking Florida we literally cannot go there because reasons), I'm considering trying out... ugh... netplay brackets again. I know Pokken netcode is utter dogshit but god it'd be so easy to just. Get sets with people? Idk. Again, if I could push my ego aside it'd be a simple decision. Play game, get experience, profit. Gonna think on it more in the coming days. There's a tourney on Friday night so I might use that as a test drive if I feel up to it.

This whole thing was rambly af but in light of how fucking depressed my last couple posts have been I wanted to kind of update where my headspace is at rn