#tanggap ko na 100% now

[sunajax]

babe ko happy valentine’s day

babe thank you because you always there for me, loving me unconditional and i love you.,

babe i know we argued sometimes but i the end of the day we always settled it,

i love you babe, you are my only one., i vow to love you,. and no matter what challenge might carry

us apart.. we always find our way back to each other,. pangarap ko babe ko (future wife ko), sexylove ko

mahal na mahal kita babe ko.,. happy valentine’s day..

finally!! tiwala lang babe magkakasama rin tayo.. dito na tayo mag celebrate sa wall ko.,. wait kita babe ko..ayyyyiiiie exited na ko babe ko na makasama ka,. magagawa din natin ang hindi na natin magawa.,.

pero pag legal na po tayo bothside i think babe baka naman tau na ang magsawa.,. thank you po sa lahat

lahat babe ko.,. suportahan na lang po natin ang isat-isa babe ko para mas lalo pa po natin mapagtibay

ang relasyon natin.,. nag papasalamat ako kay god kase ikaw yung special gift nia sa akin.,. babe ko

pasensya na minsan nagliligalig din ako babe ko, na mimiss lang po talaga kita,. salamat babe ko kase kahit tupakin ako andito ka paden sa tabi ko, hindi mo ko magawang iwanan, hindi ka nagbabago,..

para sayo babe ko di kita ipagpapalit sa iba kase mahal na mahal po kita.,.

sana pag na basa mo to.👋kahit busy ka😂👊 basahin mo padin to kahit paulit ulit hangang sa maumay kana sa ka kornehan ko😄😄babe ko..

haha d mo pa nasisimulan ako na yung kinikilig.. kahit araw araw ko man gawi to.ok lang mapasaya lng kita.,. pasenya na babe sa kadramahan ko kung baga. 😑 sasabihin mo nanaman dami kong alam😒😒. e sa gusto ko e. 😂 hmm paano ba to wag kang kiligin hah mainis ka nalang haha oa e. 😅 miss na miss na kita 😕 gusto kita ult makasama.ksi nga diba alam mo na. oh sya uumpisahan ko na pwede na tong ipadala sa mmk✉ 😂. sa kasweetan kong to pati kilikili mo namamawis na. 😂 oh sya. ehem.mahal kita kaya iintindihin kita ☺. kahit sobrang hirap na di tau legal bothside..

kahit nakakapagod na minsan. pero alam mo ba kahit na ganun 😏😪. hindi ko inisip na sumuko 😒. hindi ko inisip palitan ka. kasi nga mahal kita! 😂. alam mo ba yun? nakakainis at nakakatanga man isipin pero hinding hindi kita iiwan. kahit nagmumukha pa mang akong tanga sa ibang tao 😂.kahit ilang beses mo pa akong pinapaiyak tuwing nag aaway tayo (oops sory babe nadulas ako). titiisin ko ☺💔🙈. ayoko kasing mawala ka eh. wag ka sanang mainis kung masyado akong selfish 😅. gusto ko kasi akin ka lang. ayoko ng kaagaw. wag mo akong ipagpapalit sa iba ha?😂 i love you so much more babe 😍💘

i hope u appreciate my simple gift for you.🎁 wag kang kiligin jan simple lng yan haha tumigil ka!.😁 tapos😆 wedding na 👰⛪🙊🙉🙈😻😹 chos! *nangarap* yung sabi mong kapit lang ha👫 uo naman alangan bumitaw pa ako hahaha di na kita bibitawan. haha joke. kakapit ako as long as i can. as long as i love you

☺😊 be patient lang ha. kasi ako sobra sobra sobrang haba ng pasensya ko kahit na sarap mo ng batukan.😡hindi man ako kagwapohan atleast totoo ako sayo😊😄 sorry kasi minsan malandi ako 😠👊 kasi palagi mo nalang akong pinagseselosan😶😈😈 wag mo akong iwan kotong ka talaga sakin😛😂👊 hahah hah ha d joke lng babe😂😂✌ syempre hindi ko magagawa sayo yun😚😘 mamahal kita eh babe.😍👑 salamat sa pag iintindi sa ugali ko. 😅 thankyou din sa pag checheer up sakin tuwing down na down ako  at sasamahan mo pa ng pang aasar e. 😑 haha alam mo, syempre d mo pa alam ksi sasbihin ko pa lng . eto na 😁 even though we have our fights, we get pissed at each other and sometimes we just go off. but one things is for sure i never give up on you. 😗 💪ugh shit! english. ako na nosebleed 😨😧😂 haha mahal na mahal kita alam mo yun diba sabihin mong hindi... makakatikim ka talaga ng kotong 😂💪👊 tas kakagatin kita sa braso mo😁😁 tas may pahabol pang kurot sabay kiss😘😘😄😄 kasi pagktapos ko gawin yun babawi ka 😝😝😝😜 mababaliktad ang lahat ikaw na ang galit 😞😂 ikaw na ang mangbubugbog hahhha pero ang lakas mo talaga maki pagaway sakin💪👊😂 kagabi lang😱 kaya hindi ako napapagud sayo kasi ako kumukuha ng lakas babe😍👑

you are the reason why i became stronger. but still, you are my weakness. i promise not to go away if u promise to stay. 🔒 stay with me please just hold on. 🙏😔 bat kasi sobrang ganda mo. 😑 hahahaaa😁😁😚! yan naman talaga yung kanina mo pa hinihintay na sabihin ko wag kang ngumiti jan ngayon lang yan. ganda mo kasi. 😍 haha naalala ko tuwing nagmamayday ka pacute ka ng pa cute 😂

*kalog*nakakagigil lang e.😘😊. tuwang tuwa kana niyan? 😂 yang pang aasar mo na wagas at sagad alam ko naman na yun yung way mo para maging sweet. 😑 pero over na a👊 kiss nalang sa pisnge dapat 😂 oh baka d kana fucos sa pag-aaral niyan kakagatin nman kita😂 😍 a may bukas pa para makapagchat pa tayo. taposin mo to ha. 😙😘😚 ngayon lang ult ako magpopost ng ganitong long sweet message. 😀😁 i love you, i’m inlove with you 😍 and all your little things. hahaha english again!! mahihimatay kana niyan! 😅miss ko na yng kalog mo sakin e *mapagasar* uwi kana nga dito sa bahay para naman maakap ulit kita.,.hnd na ako magagalit! ang hirap lang kapag maganda ang gf mo daming nag hi/hello 👊 dami mang humahaliparot sau deretsyo lang ang tingin! 😡👀 at sakin lang ah! kung hindi naku! mananapak talaga ako. 💪😂 hahah😁😁👊! yung mga promises ha pakitupad pls! 😊 yung mga bilin ko ha. wag kalimotan matanda na ako pero hnd ulyanin alalahanin 😘. at kahit na minsan wla kang pasimtabe. nababalewala ako. ok lng matatag to. 😊 change for the better! but don’t change the whole you. stay sweet,carring, and masungit 😑😊. babe! akin ka lng puedi? haha sorry madamot ako e. 😊 ohh siya taposin ko na ng maisara mo na yang nakabuka😨😷 mong bunganga.😁😂🙈 ill always be here for you. to support you. i’ll always love you no matter how the world tries to separate us. 👊 i’ve never loved anyone the way i love you. your my other half. my love. my girlfriend. my happy ever after. you’re everything i have ever hope and wished for. thank god that you found me and i found you.  😍😍😍😍😘😘😘😘😚👉i love you babe muah😍😘

akala ko dati wala nang tatanggap sakin kase ganito ko pero hindi pala meron pa palang ikaw 👸❤ na mamahalin ako kung ano ako at tanggap ako thankyou. i just want you to say i love you with pure honesty is morethan enough ❤❤❤💕💓💑 muaahhhh 💋💋💋 trust makes us stronger together 💑👫👪❤ gusto ko lang ipagmalaki sa lahat ng makakabasa yung girlfriend kong walang katulad. una sa lahat at hindi sa huli happy valentine’s day charot hahahaha i love you babe😊😍😘 hindi ko alam pano i eexplain sayo kung gano kita kamahal because words aren’t enough to explain how much i do. uy kiligin ka jusme kahit araw araw ko man ginawa to at hindi ko inakalang ma’s mahaba pa to sa pagmamahal ko sayo. hahaha ang corny neto pero wala eh tinamaan ako sayo mahal kitang maligalig ka kaya ayan gusto ko malaman mo kung gano kita kamahal gusto kita mapangiti at mapasaya kahit hindi ako ganto, kahit anong klase ng kakornihan hahamakin ko para sayo (haneeep😂) sobrang thankful ako na pinakilala ka ni god sken. alam mo na rin naman yun walang nag akala na aabot tayo sa ganto imagine dati ang sinasabi nila hindi tayo tatagal pero now yung mga nagsabi nun nakailang jowa na but we’re still together. 😨😍😍 siguro isip isip ng mga yun wow sila pa din? hahaha. oo tayo pa din ❤ at hindi ko hahayaan na masayang yung kung ano mang meron tayo 😊 (walang papalag👊) ang dami na kaya nating pinagdaanan, ilang beses na din tayo muntik na tuluyang maghiwalay, sa huli tayo pa din talaga 😊❤ (hays inlove na inlove ka kasi sken pero its a tie ganun din naman ako sayo😊) alam kong napakaselosa mo, alam ko din na kung minsan napipikon kna sa ugali ko, alam ko na minsan sumosobra na pagiging insensitive ko at nasasaktan na kita pero hindi mo ako iniwan 😊 nagtiis ka. pinakisamahan mo ako ng maayos kahit madalas ang sarap ko ng sapakin. (di mo ko masapak kasi boss ka pero big boss ako. bwahaha) hindi mo ako binitawan kahit nung time na alam kong pwede mo akong iwan, sumosobra na ko pero ikaw natitiis mo. pag may topak ako damay ka pero napapakamot ka na lang ng ulo sabay tanong ng “anong gusto mo gawin ko abnuy ka” at syempre dahil abnormal ako papakantahin kita. papasayawin or pagtitripan tapos ikaw okay lang sayo. okay lang sayo kasi ang gusto mo lang naman ay ang makitang masaya ako. 💯😊😍 ang lakas makahaba ng hair nung feeling na alam ko at some point napagod ka pero kahit ganun nag stay ka 😍💋 every relationship has bumps but the ones that prosper are able to do so because they dont give up. ang dami nating away bago umabot ng isangbuwan. ilang beses ka nasaktan, ilang beses ako nasaktan, ilang beses tayong nagkasakitan, ilang beses tayong nahirapan pero ganun naman talaga diba? true love ain’t easy and easy ain’t true love 💘✔💯 ngayon mag-isang buwan na tayo next month tapos ngayon papakasalan na kita joke lang po 😊💋❤ hindi perfect yung relationship naten but i dont want a perfect relationship cause all i really need is a relationship with you. hindi ko kailangan ng perpekto ikaw lang ang kailangan ko. diba palagi kong sinasabi sayo na sayo lang ako hanggang bukas pati sa mga susunod na bukas. kahit gwapo ako (joke) papanindigan ko yan 😊 kung meron man akong hindi gagawin hindi kita bibigyan ng dahilan para iwan ako dahil hindi ko kayang mawala ka sken 😊 sorry kung masyado akong oa, at seloso ang ganda mo kasi kaya takot na takot akong mawala ka haha but i fell in love with you not for how you look, just for who you are 😍😊😘 so there’s this girl, and the way she laughs makes me smile, and the way she talks gives me butterflies, and everything about her makes me happy, and that is you, you are my one and only 😊 ang pagkamamahal ko sayo parang pabebe boy.. walang makakapigil 👊✋💯😛 kahit bigyan mo ko ng isang daang dahilan para iwan ka may isang dahilan para mag stay sayo at yun ay dahil mahal na mahal kita. hindi ko sasabihing mamamatay ako pag nawala ka gasgas na yun haha, pero seryoso pag nawala ka mawawalan ng saysay ang buhay ko. at pag inagaw ka hindi ako magpapakamatay dahil makakapatay ako (hahaha matakot na kayo mga bes 🐍🐍🐍) joke lang, masyad

first of all pota?!?!?! did u make this or what HAHAHA second of all ofc sayo lang ako yieeee pota gatekeeping HAHAHA,, geh nga give me 100 reasons why you love me HAHAHA tangina jae what is this AHAHHA the fact that i read it but pota i had a hard time kasi there was so much tagalog gago AHHAHA

[angelixzane]

Core Memories

I regret not saying this nung Eulogy nya,feeling ko di ko matatapos sasabihin ko. Lately,madalas ka pumapasok sa isip ko. Miss na kita.

For so long akala ko ready nako. Na when this time comes, I'll just accept it. Move on with my life. Papasok padin sa trabaho, business as usual. I planned everything in my mind cause that's how I deal with heartbreaks in the past. Akala ko since prinepare ko na sarili ko, It won't hurt as much so I can move on easily. Akala ko lang pala yun. When I saw you THAT day, sabi ko may pag asa pa… I can't move. I was afraid. Nakatingin lang ako sa phone while I watch my sibs call out your name. I'm praying na it was just a bad dream and nabuhayan ako when Ken said na huminga ka ulit kaya dinala kana sa ospital. You would always tell me a pagod kana, ayaw mo na. The last conversation we had was when you said na " eh napapagod nako. Nanghihina nako" and sabi ko sayo " anong pagod? di pwede. Pahinga ka lang, sumasakit lang tyan mo e…iiwan mo nako? Wag ganun, Pa" Alam ko naman, nung nagka covid kayo,naramdaman ko naman kaya I decided to spend most of my time sa bahay natin pag dumadalaw kami. If only I knew na last chance ko na makita ka, di na sana VC ginawa ko the day before you passed away.

My best memory of you was yung di mo ako kinakalimutan every time na aalis ka. Whenever I was sick nung bata ako, si mama bbigyan ako ng royal and skyflakes, ikaw, lalabas ka and bibilhan moko ng Hershey's or Toblerone kasi favorite ko yun. Ipapatago mo sa ilalalim ng unan para di makita ni mama na binili mo. Nung first na nalaman mo may spicy chicken na sa Jabee and di ako kasama mo, inuwian mo ako kahit alam ko na kulang budget mo. Susunduin moko sa school to buy me new shoes kahit sabi ni Mama pwde pa gawan ng way yung sapatos ko. When kuya gave me his phone nung grade 6 ako, kahit walang pera, you gave me 100 pesos para ma try ko magtxt sa classmates ko. Malaking bagay na yun that time. You even bought me my cheerleading outfit nung highschool. You always introduce me sa mga kakilala mo like this. "o eto panganay kong babae, magaling yan" Lagi mo akong dala kahit saan. We would walk around escolta then magkukwento ka ng memories mo sa lugar na yun while walking. Ikaw kasama ko nung nag enroll ako nung college. You were very excited nung nalaman mo na pwede akong magbarko. (im sorry pa, I failed you) lagi mo akong tinutulungan sa projects ko lalo na pag need ng magd drawing. When I was heart broken, you asked me "okay ka lang?" then magkukuwento ka ng mga misadventures mo para mawala sa isip ko. Your hugs always gives me comfort. Sino na hu hug sakin ngayon? Sino na magsasabi na " ang laki laki na ng aking baby" kahit kasal nako? You were so happy when I got married. I love coffee kasi lagi niyo akong tinitimplahan ng kape ni mama pagkagising ko para di mainit ulo ko buong araw. Most of the time, may food nako sa tabi ko pag gigising ako lalo na if alam mong favorite ko yung pagkain. Lahat ng memories natin nag flashback sakin buong week. How can I ever forget that? Ang cute nyo ni Ix. Mahal na mahal mo si Ix. Pag isa samin nasa ospital, if kaya mo pupuntahan mo kami to bring us food. You stood as Ix's father figure. Lods ka nya e. Di ko nga sya makuha last year kasi gusto ka lang nya samahan. Lagi syang excited na makasma ka and I'm so thankful na very patient ka sakanya. Ikaw madalas ka kwentuhan nya e. Lahat ng partners naming magkakapatid, spoiled na spoiled sayo. Mas kampi kapa nga sakanila kesa samin e. hehe Thank you for loving us.

Thank you for everything papa. Til now diko padin tanggap na binigla mo kami. I wasn't able to tell you how much I love you for the last time. Ni dipa ako tapos na ipakita ko sayo how happy I am that you are my father and Ixian's lolo…boy. Natatakot ako na baka one of these days,diko na maalala boses mo. Please visit us. Guide us. Diko to alam pano tatapusin pero sana, Papa masaya kana. Sana nakakagala kana and nakikipag usap sa mga taong matagal mo ng nami miss. Pa, wag mo ko kalimutan hanggang next life mo a. Kami na bahala. Tulungan mo kaming mag move on kasi sure akong mahirap to malampasan.

Happy father's day, Papa. You're the best father for us.

[creativegago]

Beauty and Disgrace (Poetry Collection)

Deleted wattpad post under the pseudonym: goldiiblox

🦋 angela's note: To the friends that I wrote these poems to in the past, thank you for the memories. I wish you well, even if we all fell apart. And on second thought, I really think these poems are so strange. What was on my mind while I was writing these and making rose lollipops out of paper? There are also two poems I did not include here because.. I just don’t want to remember them anymore. I don’t like the ideas.

Synopsis:

A 'collection' of poetry that I wrote for two weeks sometime in January to give to my friends whom are special to me on Valentine's Day.

"For writers always have their heads up somewhere. When we think of somewhere, we look up at the sky. Maybe we're thinking where, or asking it for an answer."

Kamusta? (A written introduction for the website)

Ang Simula

Ang mga tulang inyong mababasa ay isinulat ng isang dalagang maraming tanong sa mundo. Ito ay mga tulang isinulat ko para sabihin ang mga nararamdaman ko. Nagkakaroon tayo ng mga kaibigan, kahit pilit natin itong iwasan ay darating sila sa mundo natin upang patunayang hindi tayo nag-iisa. Hindi ibig sabihing mahina ka kapag may katulong ka, ipinapahiwatig lang nito na malulungkot ka lamang kung mananatili kang naglalakbay na mag-isa sa mundo.

May nakapagsabi sa akin, na pakaunti nang pakaunti ang oras na nabubuhay ang isang tao. Palala ng palala ang mundo, tila may isang malubhang karamdamang walang lunas. Masakit man at hindi katanggap-tanggap, ngunit tayo ang dahilan ng paghihirap na kanyang dinaranas.

Naisip ko na, bakit nga ba minahal natin ang isa't-isa? Kung ikaw lang naman sa atin ang nasasaktan ng malubha? Isang tanong na binulong ko sa langit, na parehong nilulunod ang paningin ng mga bituing na kailanma'y hindi ko masusungkit.

Patawad, mundo. Mahal na mahal kita. Patawad dahil hindi ko alam kung mahal ka pa rin ba ng iba.

Ang mga tulang ito ay hindi man ang pinakamahusay sa lahat, ngunit kailangan pa bang alamin kung ito ay binuhos ko mula sa aking pusong maraming linalaman?

Magkikita tayong muli pagkatapos ng labing-isang tula.

(Paalala para sa mga banyaga: Labing-isa, maghintay ka bago mo maintindihan ang iyong binabasa.)

Pag-uulit

Siya ang gabi, at ikaw ang buwan.

Dumating ang araw

Iyak

Sa isang lugar na kung saan

Mga tanong na hindi nasagot

Hardin

Isang inang nagaabang nag pag-asa

Ang anak, naghahanap ng pagmamahal

Namatay na ang hardin

Pag-aalangan

May mga bagay akong kinatatakutan

Ang mga bisyong hindi ko matakasan

Hiling ko sana'y hindi na ako matakot.

Nakakalito

Pag-ibig sadyang nakakalito

Sapagkat napakatulin ng iyong pagtakbo.

Pag-asa Para sa Mga Bulaklak

Pakiusap, sana diligan mo naman sila.

Hinawakan ng iyong daliri

Sumpa

Hangin, tubig, lupa at apoy

Biniyayaan sila ng misteryo

Ang lupa at apoy

Panaghoy

Nakatutulog ako tuwing may bagyo.

Nagagalit ako tuwing nakakaramdam

Diyamante

Madalas hinahanap ng mga babae

Naadik sa kanya ang isang perlas,

Buti pa ang mga bato

Tamlumpu’t Isang Pahina

Sinabi nilang mahusay ako.

Ano nga bang meron sa hinaharap?

Ako ay dapat nakasulat sa ika-tatlumpu't isang pahina.

Paalam! (A written post to section the Filipino poems and the English poems)

Sa nakaraang pahina ay nagtapos ang parada ng mga tula. Masaya na ang aking kalooban dahil nailagay ko na rin sila sa lugar na kanilang dapat paglagyan. Sa ngayon ako muna'y mamamaalam, dahil ako naman ay magsusulat sa ibang wika ng isang liham na mayaman din sa tula.

Hindi naman ako kagalingan, ngunit wala na akong ibang pinaghuhugutan. Ang pag-ibig ay hindi ko man nailarawan sa mga tula, naipahiwatig ko naman ang aking naintindihan dito. At dahil sa pakikinig ko sa kwento ng iba't ibang tao, marami na din akong natutunang aral galing sa kanila.

Huwag tayong mawawalan ng pag-asa. Hindi natin kailangang pilitin masagot ang lahat ng ating itinanong, dahil may mga katotohanang magdadala pa sa iyo sa mga mas mapanlinlang pang kasinungalingan.

Hearts (An Overheard Conversation)

"Can I touch your heart?"

"Well, no, you cannot."

"Why so?"

"You have to open me up first, an you will never know how painful it is."

"Oh. I apologize for being rude."

"You know, people like you are rare. People with genuine care are rare."

"How could you say that?"

"People who came were crows who opened me up and touched my heart. Some even have nails too sharp that it left a scar."

"What's worse is that they spoke no words while tearing me open. I reckon the times I feel nothing, my cries for mercy withered away, and I heard my own silence."

"I feel really sorry. I shouldn't have asked. It's my mistake. I sincerely apologize."

"It's natural for you to feel sorry, but don't be. After all, you won't like the hideous sight I've been keeping inside me."

"I should stay away from my ignorance. A treasure chest doesn't always contain luxury."    

The Chase

"Perhaps hopeless isn't a place."

Embroidery

They were series of dreams

Define

The fish swam in the sea

Fear crept in its veins

Flight

Sometimes, it's good to be free.

Oh no, there is an approaching storm

Promise

I sat at the back, feeling discouraged.

L O V E

I haven't found it yet but still searching.

Is it really love?

Is it love when we only think of bliss?

I see the paper.

Questions From a Mutual

Is the flower pretty?

I love you dearly

Hesitant

Silence is asking for a dance.

Aurora spoke in eloquence.

"I miss silence"

The existence of silence, my heart beating

Tsunami

If pain is never permanent

Asking

Troubled lots of times

The clouds are speaking the truth.

Strangers

Timid was my perfect profile.

We are two celestial bodies embracing.

Gradient

Why are we distant?

Cashmere skies, reflected your dreamy eyes.

Abundance

I woke up from my bed of roses.

On The Shelf

"Hey moon, please forget to fall down."

Tearing worlds apart, crossing the black hole

Just In Case

This world, a chaotic place.

Now just in case,

Alive?

Sometimes, it's good to be alive.

I wrote during the midnight,

The Good Side

Wasteland became a home.

Dreams have fallen

How Could I?

Should Valentine's last long?

The chase is pointed at me

But they didn't.

Pieces of You

No, I can't fly without wings.

You thought you fell on clouds,

Question: Are you the lost fallen angel?

Delete

Delete the sea in your mind

You sat, barely listening

Tired?

A house built from cards.

There are at least three questions

Saints

Here they are, dancing.

Their lips spoke a prayer.

Evocative

Honestly, I feel tired

Who knows when I'm writing this?

Haven

When I was a star, I loved being warm.

100 Letters

The crack of dusk

Feels like slowly spreading ink.

The rising sun

Is she blinding someone?

I wanted everything to be perfect.

There's a list of wishes

But they feel like I'm becoming more

Hopeless.

Voiceless at 9 o’ clock

Moments, rooms, voices

The house is filled with voices.

It has such clear windows.

But once destroyed by hopeless

All these shows

Are gone by morning.

Perhaps even late in the evening,

Where wild hearts are sleeping.

Voiceless, hopeless is screaming.

Swimming Pools

Things hit rock bottom.

It feels heaven to be in love

Why does it feel hell to break in half?

The swimming pools are calming underneath.

Morning

Parties are fun, do you want to lose your mind?

I tainted my mind with lust.

The throne is made of gold,

Torn in Two

I believed that in this world,

My hopes are as high as a tower.

The cards have cut a slit in my chest.

Misinterpretation

Even if I don't want you to expect much,

Hello, this is me.

I'm a stranger.

Play

She loved the mystery of love.

Why is love serious with their games?

Nemesis granted me a pill.

I wished to be in love.

And now I'm aware that I'm included in this mystery.

Solitude

Pardon, I know you're getting tired.

Sunny, happy, and care-free

We both need rest.

February

Could be as sweet as honey

February, could be a common name

Be safe in playing with the cards.

They are dangerous, all the time.

Wishing Wells

Wishing wells are one of our old spells.

Possibly, we fail.

It's for you to be happy.

H a l f w a y

A variety of poems.

I.

Bubbles float in the virtual world.

I couldn't care less.

My mind, a deep chasm.

Our hearts, disconnecting

But our dreams, slowly forming.

II.

Crimson filled the cloudy afternoon.

The sun cries with vivid tears.

They chose to escape this disaster,

The stars became blind.

Now I see, that the night is gone.

III.

Obsessed with perfection

Obsessed with the passion

Is this the place where they belong?

Or is this another illusion?

IV.

Wistful, I pride for my ocean.

Why do I feel like I'm inside a whirlpool?

I wonder what is going on.

V.

Instead, why am I receiving worlds?

VI.

We are finally on the first lap.

How can I say things

You're halfway.

Can you offer time to stay?

His Story

I | Sculpture

It is a sculpture of a heart

II | Squares

It is a Polaroid

III | Barrier

It is a wall

IV | Puzzle

False discoveries.

V | Things That Grow

Thus, he expanded mulch.

VI | Location

He planted the roots of a musical note.

He called it his true sanity.

VII | Evening

It was dark.

VIII | Oblivion

It was cold.

IX | Creature

His creature, now a monster.

X | Unsolved

A domino of film is played.

Warmth.

XI | Idle

His eyes closed contently.

XII | His Epilogue

Without anyone knowing

Blue

You are deep.

You may not be the heart's color,

But you are here, a peaceful harbor.

Red

I spotted you walking with an old friend named Rose.

Why do I see nothing but violence

I heard you sing with passion.

Even more alive.

Yellow

I see you in between.

You shine so bright.

Avalon

Now, this is a childhood tale.

It might be a sequence.

Avalon, better left as an enigma.

Exit - I end here. Goodbye, friend old.

[parakayeja]

Nilalaman nung letter ko kay Diane nung December 19, 2020

Hi baby!! this is it pancit! Hahaha the long wait is over! sawakas mameemeet na din kita formally, nakakatuwa kasi hindi lang ikaw pati parents mo mameemeet ko din ne, okay nga yun para makilala nila magiging son in law nila in the future Hahaha feeler, mabait po ako tito tita.

Hindi ko rin maaalis syempre yung kaba and worry. Normal lang siguro sa unang pag kikita na inaalala mo magiging first impression, kung yung expectation mo ba eh mameemeet ko, magustuhan mo kaya ako pati parents mo Hahaha mga ganung bagay pero alam ko namang tanggap mo ako ne hindi lang talaga maiiwasan isipin mga ganun. I'm sure sobrang mahihiya ako pero pipilitin kong hindi ipakita na nahihiya ako sainyo para hindi karin siguro mailang hindi kasi ako makapag salita talaga pag nahihiya Hahaha lalo na tatlo kayo mag isa lang ako ne! daya wala akong backup, pakapalan nalang ng mukha sis! Hahaha lahat naman gagawin ko for you ne. Basta ako wala naman ako expectation sayo or what kasi kilala naman kita kung gano ka kamurit Hahaha just be you lang okay na ako dun. Wala naman siguro mag babago after natin magkita ne kung meron man is mas maiinlove pa ako sayo pero sure naman yun Hihihi landeeee HAHAHA

I know OA yung gifts pero minsan lang yan kaya sulitin ko na Christmas din naman ne. Sana magamit mo mga yan para maalala mo naman ako pag nakikita mo yang mga yan Hahaha drama. I’m new to this kind of stuff talaga baby kaya pag pasensyahan mo nalang mga yan, kaya special na special ka ikaw palang babaeng binigyan ko ng mga ganyan ikaw narin pala ang huli yiiieee Hahaha nasasad nga ako kasi wala ako gift kay papa mo nakakahiya talaga hindi ko talaga alam bibigay sakanya sorry na po tito bawi nalang po ako Huhuhu balak ko is couple rosary sila ni tita pero wala naman ako mahanap sa SM kakasad bawi nalang po ako Huhuhu remember nung last time na nag SM ako? dun ko binili lahat yan baka mahalata mo kaya sabi ko sayo di ba mag gogrocery ako tas gusto mo sumama Hahaha sabi ko ano ba naman yan baka hindi pa ko makabili nito ah buti nalang nakatulog ka ne Hahaha tas yung halaman pala ni mama mo is tawag dun sa maliliit ay Alembong, yung may kulay red na leaves ay Poinsetta, yung pink is Tillandsia Creation take note pala ���Namumulaklak daw pala uli. 6mos tinatagal ng bulaklak” , “Bro, medj mahirap ilipat yung tillandsia. Nasa coco peat lang kasi siya. baka mabigla pag napunta sa lupa. Aerial plant ata kasi siya kaya nasa coco peat” yan sabi ni Ate Jona at Kuya JC baby, di ba bumili rin ako ng paso eh pinapalipat ko kaya nya nasabi yan. Nga pala nakalagay rin pala dito sa paper bag nato yung request mo, favorite shirt ko yan ne medj maluwang na sakin yan sis Hahaha ganyan talaga kulay nyan medj cream lagi ko yan sinusuot pag lumalabas Hahaha ingatan mo yan ah isuot mo!

Hayyy super excited na ako ne!! ready-ing ready na!! lets ggggg!!! Hahaha this is one step of many baby to achieve our goals, excited na ako sa mga firsts natin pwede mo narin ipartial check sa bucket list mo yung may “ipakilala (shet first time ko magpapakilala??? huhu)” Hahaha soon baby marami tayo machecheck sa bucket list mo. I’m sure lahat yan ay magagawa natin kaya stay strong lang tayo! wala ngang titibag diba? Lately sunod sunod mga challenges natin but we’re able to surpass all of that kaya thank you ulit at naging okay tayo dapat pati pa sa mga darating pa ay malampasan natin ah. I know we’re new and still learning but it feels like ang tagal nanatin parang ang dami nanatin kasing pinag daanan and yun yung nag patatag saatin, keep believing on us kasi ako naniniwala talaga ako na forever nato! Gusto ko ikaw na, ikaw laging kasama, masaya man or malungkot, I’m 100% sure na! Just keep motivating and inspiring din each other kasi ako you’re one of the reasons talaga kung bakit ako nag wowork hard, for you, for us, for our future. I never been so proud sa isang relationship but sayo, saatin, sa relationship nato, proud na proud ako! gusto ko nga ipalandakan na ikaw baby ko!!! akin kalang! at sayo lang din ako. You will be always my favorite, marami pa tayong gagawin! Kaya jan kalang! Walang aalis! Simula palang ito, tara na!! Hahaha as always, I’m here for you baby, alam mo naman gaano kita kamahal, mahal na mahal, sobra, and gusto ko paramdam sayo for the rest of our lives. Super thankful and blessed ako to have you, sobra mo akong pinapasaya sobra! Super happy baby mo sayo, sana napapasaya rin kita, maging murit kalang walang mag babago, wag mo baguhin tawa mo! Kaltok ka sakin sige Hahaha joke lang baby. I will never get tired na gisingin ka twing umaga kasi gustong gusto ko ginagawa yun. I’m always looking forward pag mag uusap tayo twing gabi, hindi na ata maalis yung hindi tayo mag uusap sa isang araw ne dapat lang! I really like our late night talks, mga kulitan, kamuritan, kalandian Hahaha I’m very happy and contended sayo baby, I appreciate what we have right now and excited na ako to our future. I love you so much my baby, I’ll keep loving you, everyday, for the rest of my life.

[allychfiles]

Hi gabby.. kamusta ka? Namimiss na kita .. sana namimiss mo din ako.. kahit man lang maalala mo kahit konti lang ung mga pinagsamahan natin ng ilang taon.. nagtataka pa din talaga ko.. pano mo nagawang kalimutan agad lahat? Ng ganon kabilis gabby.. paturo naman oh .. hindi ako galit sayo gabby or anything ha.. wala lang random thoughts.

Naligo ko sa ulan kanina sa rooftop namin.. ewan ang soothing pero ang sakit. I always wanted to do that with you. Hindi ko alam.. pagumuulan ikaw naaalala ko.. kahit dati pa naman .. gusto kong makipaglaro sayo sa ulanan .. makipaghabulan.. makipagkulitan. There’s something na naaassociate ko ung ulan sayo. I love sleeping beside you lalo na pagumuulan jan sa inyo. Sobrang comfy. I really miss your presence gabby.

As the picture said.. di naman talaga mapipilit na piliin mo ko... kasi ano nga naman ba ko sayo diba gabby? Ung sinayangan mo ng ilang taon mo sa buhay. Ung nagpaasa sayo.. nanakit sayo and eventually nagpasuko sayo. Bakit mo nga naman ako pipiliin kung sakin ka nasaktan ng sobra no? Im really sorry. Hindi pa din pala ko tapos sisihin ung sarili ko.. haha kasi naman ang gaga ko. sorry talaga. Whenever i think of what happen to us lagi lang naman sarili ko ung sinisisi ko.. camille said na hindi ko naman dapat sisihin sarili ko kasi parehas tayong may mali.. binasa nya buong convo so she knows both sides. Pero as always.. sinasabi ko wala ka namang ginawang mali eh.. ang mali mo lang talaga siguro is ung mahalin ako. Sana nasave kita sa pain na nacacause ko no? Yun naman talaga ung puno’t dulo neto.. masyado kong inisip na masasaktan kita so i decided for the things tha happen and in the end nasaktan ka pa din. Nakakatawa kasi your so special kaya ayaw kitang mawala at masaktan kaya dinidistance konung sarili ko. Kasi akala ko pag bestfriend mo ko hindi na kita masasaktan kesa kung girlfriend mo ko. Turns out i hurt you in anyway i do. Im really sorry.

I just wished you had enough courage back then to fight for me when im scared to fight for us. I really wished na hinarap mo mga magulang ko for the both of us even alam mong against ako. Sana gabby ikaw ung lumaban kasi alam mong di ko kaya nung time na yon.

Regrets. Too much regrets. Im sorry gabby..

Sabi ko sayo nagmomoveon na ko and im happy with what you have right now.. i really do naman . Swear to God. Pero di ko din kasi maalis sakin maging malungkot kasi ang daming sayang satin. Nakakabitter palang everyday naaalala ko ung past natin. Ung mga nagawa at hindi natin nagawa. Mga plano natin.. mga masaya at malungkot na memories natin. What really hurts the most is naaalala ko every damn day ung future na binubuo ko sa isip ko with you.

Kanina magisa ko sa rooftop. Habang umuulan . Ang drama ba? Hindi naman dapat maging madrama un eh. Nagcacrave ako maligo sa ulan.. and then i did it. Nung nauna na maligo si zaab naiwan ako magisa sa taas . Then dun nagsimula lahat lahat ulit ng isipin . Ganun naman lagi.. sanay na din naman ako. Nakakalungkot lang ng sobra kasi sarili kong memories ung kalaban ko. Ang hirap kalabanin ng sarili mong utak at puso. Putanginang sobra. Habang nasa taas ako sabi ko Lord bigay mo na ung para sakin.. pagod na din naman akong masaktan. Deserve ko din naman sigurong maging masaya. Sabi ko kung ikaw talaga ang para sakin ibalik ka na lang and ilalaban ko na din naman. Yet sabi ko kung para ka sakin.. anong mangyayari dun sa meron kayo nung girlfriend mo ngayon.. Masasaktan ka nanaman kasi mahal na mahal mo na diba? Sabi ko baka sana wag na lang kung masasaktan ka ulit. Kung sakanya ka talaga sasaya edi sige na Lord ituloy mo na sakanila. Dun pumasok ung thought na tangina ahaha kaya ko isacrifice ung sarili kong happiness para lang sumaya ka gabby. Tangina ganun ka talaga kaimportante sakin . Tangina di ko inexpect ung sarili kong ganon. Pota tapos friendship lang di mo mabigay. Hahaha

I may be ok but im still hurt gabby. With all the things we’ve been through simple lang ung hiningi ko eh. Kaso ang hirap din palang makuha nun sayo. Siguro nga ganun na lang talaga yun. Some people tend to leave your life abruptly. Walang paapaalam. Walang closure. Walang looking back to all the things and relationships we’ve been before. Ang unfair. Sobrang unfair.

Ganon mo ba ko kaayaw? Like im literally asking this question everyday . Maybe for my entire fucking life. Im not being oa or dramatic. Eto lang talaga ung nararamdaman ko. And im sorry if im ranting all these stuffs here .. well diary ko naman talaga to. And i dont know if your still reading this since the day i gave you my account. But 100% eto lang naman talaga ung mga saloobin ko.

Yes tanggap ko lahat ng reasons mo. Tanggap ko lahat lahat. Naiintindihan ko . Pero di mawawala sakin masaktan kasi. Sana naiintindihan mo din ung point ko. Sana naiintindihan mo din ung nararamdaman ko kasi in the first place sa lahat ng taong nakakakilala sakin Ikaw yong kilala ako inside out. Kilala mo ko pagdating sa lahat lahat. Sa emotions ko. Sa mga iniisip ko. Sa lahat ng pwedeng kaputanginahang merong sa buhay ko gabby. Ikaw lahat may alam non so sana naiintindihan mo din sana kung san ko hinuhugot lahat nung sakit .. lahat nung hinnanakit ko.

Im hoping for me to get better. Sana soon tatawanan ko na lang tong mga andito no? Sana . Nakakapagod na din kasi masaktan araw araw. Can’t wait for that to happen.

Ang galing no? Nakakapangjoke time tong nararamdaman ko. Hahaha . Masama loob ko sayo .. nasasaktan ako tuwing naaalala ka .. honestly nasasaktan ako sayo yet sasabihin ko nanaman na im still here waiting. Waiting kahit wala naman na atang iintayin haha kahit kaibigan ata wala ring aasahan . Nakakagago no? Ang gago nung puso ko sobra. Sabi nga kita mapipiliit na piliin ako. Lalo na nasaktan kita and ayaw mo natalaga sakin. Pero bakit ako laging ikaw ung pipiliin kahit masakit na ? Ang gago lang pota.

But i really am still waiting gabby. Sana lang alam mo.

I miss you.

💔

[tatemae-lemoi]

20191208

Encourager. That’s what I am. I always uplift others. Telling them to be the better version of themselves. Telling them they’re always worth it. No matter what, they’re always worth it. God loves them, and everyone that God loves is worth it. Little do people know, that the encourager me seldom encourages me. Bad habit. I have this bad habit of disqualifying myself. I’m not good enough, not worthy, etc. I do fight it. I know it’s just my anxiety. I know God loves me and He sees me differently.

But after that fateful day, that one day, I have this problem of redeeming myself. I’m having a difficult time boosting my self-esteem. “You deserve better.” Bullsh*t. I know I deserve better. I know it in my heart. I know I deserve more and better than you’ve given. I may be saying this because I’m in the “anger” phase, but that’s really... I don’t know... I can’t accept it...

Why? Why can’t you just say “I’ll do my best to be better for you”? Why? I know why. Because I’m not good enough. I’m not deserving enough. In your eyes, I’m not worthy enough. This is not me disqualifying, belittling myself. But this is what I felt from you. The moment you’ve taken me for granted, I’ve felt it all in my heart. As Taylor Swift says, “gave up on me like I was a bad drug... give you so much, but it wasn’t enough...” I know you have always been independent. I am too. Strong, independent woman nga ako eh. But I realized that you never really considered me as your partner, let alone a partner you want to spend your life with. You said we did try naman, so many times. Pero did you really?!? I’m not enough. I’m not worthy. I’m not deserving. I’m not someone you could be proud of. To you, I’m not really worth fighting for. You have priorities. Let’s say you have 100 priorities. Tanggap ko na hindi ako yung pangfirst, second, third. Tanggap ko kung wala ako sa top 10. Pero you know what I felt. Na kahit sa pang100 wala ako. Because I was never a priority. Kasi nga hindi ako good enough. I’m not enough. I’m not worthy. I’m not deserving. Paulit-ulit. This is what I feel. And it’s hard. F*ck, it’s so excruciating! You didn’t only break my heart. You broke my trust and the way I see myself. Everyday I feel that I will never be good enough, especially for someone. But don’t try to comfort me with your words. Don’t try to say that it wasn’t my fault. Don’t try to say that this is just all in my head. It’s too late now. And your words, your words would mean nothing. Because you broke my trust, I don’t know if I’ll ever be able to believe in you again. Oo, hindi mo ako niloko. Yung totoo, wala ka naman kasalanan. Pero sinungaling ka. Lahat ng sinabi mo sa umpisa, hanggang umpisa lang. You sad it was out of love, kaya you chose to let me go. Maybe you did love me. Pero you only did nung panahong convenient sa’yo. Oo, meron kang commitment, but not for me. Nung panahong mahirap na, kahit andito ako para sa’yo, hindi mo ako nakikita, mas pinili mong hindi ako tignan.

I’m not enough. I’m not worthy. I’m not deserving. Alam ko masakit tong mga nisasabi ko. Alam ko nasaktan ka rin. Pero hindi mo maiintindihan yung sakit ko. Kasi ako yung iniwan mo. Ako yung hindi mo pinili. Pakiramdam ko tinapon mo ako. I’m not even expecting you to understand kung bakit ganito yung nararamdaman ko, kung bakit nagagalit ako. Pagod na ako. Pero alam mo kung anong sobrang sakit? Na hanggang ngayon iniintindi ko, iniintindi kita. Na pilit kong nijajustify sa sarili ko, na ako yung mali sa buhay mo. That pursuing me was the worst decision you ever made in your entire life. Kaya nga di ka nakacommit eh. Nisasaksak ko sa utak ko na hindi ka masama, kasi hindi naman talaga eh! Alam ko na mabuti kang tao. Naramdaman ko naman. Huwag mong sisihin yung sarili mo kasi walang masama na pinili mo yung gusto mo talagang gawin, yung gusto mong maging. Hanggang ngayon mas pinipili kong tignan yung kabaitan mo, kahit sobrang sakit na ng nararamdaman ko. Hanggan ngayon mas pinipili kong patawarin ka, kahit nagagalit pako. Hindi nga ako nagkekwento sa ibang tao dahil ayokong mapasama ka, kasi di ka naman talaga masama. Kahit sa ate ko, sa kuya ko, sa mama ko, sabi ko huwag ka nilang pagisipan ng masama. Lahat ng sakit na nararamdaman ko, kinikimkin ko lang. Hindi ako umiiyak sa iba kahit na gustong-gusto ko na sana may umintindi din sakin. Hindi ako makaiyak sa mama ko kasi baka sa’yo bumalik. Gustong-gusto kitang tulungan, na dalhin din yung hirap mo, na ishare mo saken yung burdens mo. Gustong-gusto kita icomfort at yakapin tuwing nakikita kita. You don’t know how much I care about you. I gave so much just so I could keep you. Pero I lost myself in the process. Para lang di ka mawala, pero nawala ka pa rin. Lalo lang ako nakakagulo diba? I was never able to cheer you up, kahit konti. So please don’t comfort me. Ipakita mo na lang sakin, na yung nisasabi mong magulong buhay mo, that your life is a mess na umayos. Kasi yun yung nipapaniwalaan kong purpose kung bat moko tinanggal. Na yun yung dahilan kung bat moko binitawan. Para umayos yung buhay mo. Para mas maging masaya ka. Para mas maging madali para sa’yo. Kasi kung magulo pa din yung buhay mo, lalo mo lang akong sasaktan. Ipakita mo saken na masaya ka, accomplished ka at fulfilled. Dahil totoo yung sinabi kong gusto kong maging successful ka at masaya, kahit hindi ako parte nun. I thanked you before kasi niparamdam mo saking kaya ko palang magmahal. Pero ngayon, narealise ko, maybe it’s just for a while. Ngayon, pakiramdam ko, hindi ko na talaga kaya. Hindi ko na kayang maniwala. Hindi ko na kayang magtiwala. Before, you told me that the guy who said na mahirap akong mahalin was a jerk. Pero naniniwala na ako sa guy na yun. No one will ever fight for me. No one can ever love me. No one will ever see my worth. No one will ever go beyond borders for me. No one will ever look at me like I’m the greatest girl in their life. No one will be afraid to lose me. No one will ever try to understand me, yung nararamdam ko, san ako nanggagaling, walang makakaintindi ng mga breakdowns ko. Walang makakatiyaga saken. I will always be the one being taken for granted. No one can ever appreciate me and the love I could give. No one can. No one would dare. No one. Not even you. At the end of the day, even though hindi mo sinabi, you made me believe that I’m just a girl. Just a girl na mahirap, sobrang hirap na mahalin. And I believe it’s because of that difficulty, that you chose to let go of me.

I’m not enough for you. I’m not deserving of you. I’m not worthy to you. But don’t worry. I will always have this happy facade. I’m an expert in faking it till I make it. Hindi ko ititigil ang mundo ko para magmukmok lang. I know I have my family, a few trusted friends, and God on my side. Someday, makikita ko din yung silver lining kung bat kinailangan kong sobrang masaktan. Someday, masasabi ko din, ng totoo, na okay na ako. Someday, I can confidently say na I’m worth more than you made me feel. Someday, I would not feel so little. Someday, mapapatawad din kita ng buong-buo. Yung di ko pipilitin sarili ko.

Someday, mapapatawad ko din yung sarili ko. Someday, I will stop blaming myself. Ngayon, nagpupumiglas at nagpupumilit pa din ako, nagiisip na baka pwede pa, of a second chance. Pero someday, titigil din ako.

Someday, di na ako maiingit sa mga couples na masaya, wishing it was us. Someday, I will stop dreaming about you. Someday, I’ll stop remembering our memories, our monthsaries, our days, our anniversary. Someday, I’ll stop looking at our pictures. Someday, titigil din akong habulin ka. Titigil din akong umasa. Titigil din akong mahalin ka. Someday, titigl din akong iyakan ka. Someday, you won’t be this special.

Someday, both of us would be healed. Someday, you will love again. Someday, I’ll be genuinely happy for the love you found. Someday, kapag wala na talaga, matatanggap ko din, na hindi ako yung para sa’yo, at hindi ikaw yung para saken. Someday I’ll stop writing about you. Someday...

[kemerutsstuff]

Hoy ikaw! Bago pa maglaho ng tuluyan ang feelings ko para sayo, sasabihin ko na ulit ito. Miss na kita, miss na miss ko na yung dating tayo, yung dating ikaw na may pake sakin, yung sinasabi mong mahal mo ako. Miss ko na lahat yun sayo. I miss you more than I loved you, that’s what I’m feeling right now. Ngayon di na rin ako sure sa feelings ko sayo, mahal pa siguro kita, siguro, siguro, siguro.

Narealize ko kasi na dapat mas mahalin ko ang sarili ko kesa sayo kaya yun na ang ginagawa ko. Pero kahit ganto ang nararamdaman ko ngayon, pag ikaw bumalik ulit, I would still choose you in a heartbeat. You see, that is COMMITMENT right there. Kahit di na ako kinikilig at the thought of you, kahit may milyon akong rason para di na ulit kita mahalin at piliin pa, kahit alam kong iiwan mo ulit ako kung kelan mo gusto, isang balik mo lang sakin, hahanap ulit ako ng dahilan para ibalik yung pagmamahal na nawawala na kasi nga ako yung tipo ng tao na pipiliin at pipiliin ka parin kahit anong mangyari.

Tanga man para sa iba pero ganun talaga ang love eh, susugal ka kahit may chance na matalo ka ng paulit ulit. Pero lagi mo ding tatandaan, tao din ako, napapagod at nasasaktan. Dumating na din ako sa punto na napagod na din ako, na sobra na yung sakit na naramdaman ko sayo, sa pilit na paghahabol ko kahit alam kong mas bumibilis ang takbo mo sa tuwing ginagawa ko yun. Kaya naisipan ko na ring tumigil, dapat nga hindi ko na ito isusulat eh pero napanood ko yung 100 Tula Para Kay Stella at natutunan ko dun na “Always Take Chances” so ayun inaapply ko lang ulit ngayon kahit alam kong wala na itong mapupuntahan. Kasi alam ko masaya ka na sa buhay mo, busyng busy ka na ngayon at alam kong madaming “nanliligaw” sayo katulad ng sabi mo. Ang gwapo mo ehnoh, hiyang hiya si Nam Joo Hyuk at Song Joong Ki oppa sayo!

Pero ganun talaga, narealize ko na kung ayaw mo, edi ayaw mo. Bakit ko pa ipipilit sarili ko sayo diba? Basta ang akin lang, don’t ever say that I didn’t fight for you ‘coz I did all the time. Minahal kita muks, sobra pa sa sobra, kahit na sobra akong nasasaktan tuwing iniisip ko yung sinabi mong ayaw mong magaya tayo sa magulang ko na naghiwalay, tapos magagawa mo rin pala akong iwan pagdating ng araw. Pero okay lang, tanggap ko na, pasensya na ang inisip ko eh papanindigan mo yun hindi ko naisip na sinabi mo nga lang pala yun sakin.

— Kahit alam kong walang mapupuntahan to ginawa ko parin, atlis pagdating ng araw masasabi kong wala akong pagsisisihan kasi nga ginawa ko naman na lahat ng makakaya ko para satin. Eh ikaw? May ginawa ka ba para satin? I don’t think so. Wala ka namang ibang ginawa kundi sumuko eh, wala kang ibang ginawa kundi iwan at sukuan ako, tayo.

Hindi ko sinasabing magsisisi ka na iniwan ako balang araw kasi baka nga naman hindi pero sana someday, magpakalalaki ka na, panindigan mo naman kung anong sinimulan mo. Hindi yung bigla bigla ka nalang mang iiwan sa ere dahil lang sa wala ka ng maramdaman. At hindi yung dahil lang feel mong makipaglandian sa ibang babae kaya susukuan mo na yung taong nagmamahal sayo ng sobra. Sige, dun ka na sa mga manliligaw mo, kacallmate mo at sa iba pang kalandian mong babae kung meron pa. Lol

Mabasa mo sana, pero okay lang din kung hindi. 😂

[thgindlocnmad]

20191230

I’m sorry. I usually vent out on paper only or in this private blog where I’m the only one who has access. But having another episode of anxiety attack convinced me that I should let you know about this. I mean, to hell with my pride and dignity, right?

I tried. I really tried, to be brave. I tried to be brave enough to face you on our outing even if it meant being with you but not in the same way as before.

Alam mo naman diba. I told you. I don’t really want to go. But you asked me to do it for our friend. Pero ako rin naman, gusto kong magpunta para kay paPa. But I did message him. I asked if magagalit sha if in any circumstances, hindi ako makapunta. Pero nakiusap sha na pumunta ako. What can I say, I wanted to be there in that moment too. I wanted to help him. We’ve planned for this months ago. So I did go. Pero masakit. The whole time I was there my heart was aching. And I don’t know what you’ve told Ms. Bhon or anyone, but it didn’t help na niaasar nya ako. It didn’t help na she’s still labeling us as “together”. It also didn’t help na nafifeel ko ako yung may kasalanan. Pero wala naman akong choice. Ayokong maging epal. Ayokong maging KJ. Ayokong maruin yung niaanticipate na moment. Bawal akong malungkot. Kailangan kong magpaka - “genki”. I still don’t get it, you see. The moment I stepped in to your car, there were turbulent kinds of emotions that I felt. And it didn’t help that you had to give me a gift. From that moment on, di na naman tumigil yung utak ko kakaisip.

Sir EJ, what you did was very confusing. I know I asked this before, but I will ask again. Bakit mo kailangang palitan? Bakit mo ako bibigyan ng isa pang bagay para maalala kita? Gets ko naman, na maybe your intentions were good. But still, why? Hindi ko maintindihan, anong gusto mong iparamdam saken? Anong message yung gusto mo ihatid across?  Diba, I told you what your previous jacket meant to me. Na nararamdaman ko yung security, yung hug, I can feel you pag suot ko yun. Nakalimutan mo na ba yun? Or ayun ba yung gusto mong maramdaman ko ulit? Hindi ko maintindihan. Ayaw mo ba akong makamove-on sa’yo?

Also, there were some things that you said na hindi ko na mashadong narinig. Nung nisauli ko, werein you said na “ibibigay ko na lang ulit kapag....” Hindi ko narinig yung kasunod. Kasi ewan, nagwalkout na ako diba. Di ko na kasi mapigilan. Ayoko ng makita mo akong umiiyak. Sir EJ, masakit. Sobrang sakit. Kung hindi man obvious, sobra sobrang sakit, I can literally and physically feel the pain on my chest. Niatake nga ako nung gabing yun. Kaya siguro nung nagiimpake ako, naisip kong dalhin yung inhaler ko. Kasi niatake talaga ako. Ganun kasakit. Yung burst of emotions ko, ganun kaextreme. Hika and literal sakit ng dibdib extreme!

Oo na. Pathetic nako kung pathetic. Kasi it’s been over a month pero ganito pa rin ako, niiiyakan ka. Eh anong magagawa ko, masakit pa rin eh. Kung may switch lang naman toh, matagal ko na ni-off eh.

To be honest, past few weeks, I’ve been angry. Sobrang galit ko sa’yo. Sobrang galit ko din sa sarili ko. I was writing numerous journal entries just to cope up with my anger. But at the end of the day, ang nagreresonate lang saken is you giving up on me.

After that fateful day, that one day, I have this problem of redeeming myself. I’m having a difficult time boosting my self-esteem. Days after our break-up, nibeblame ko lang sarili ko for what happened.

“You deserve better.” ? I know I deserve better. I know it in my heart. I know I deserve more and better than you’ve given. I may be saying this because I’m in the “anger” phase, but that’s really… I don’t know… I can’t accept it…

Why? Why can’t you just say “I’ll do my best to be better for you”? Why?

I know why. Because I’m not good enough. I’m not deserving enough. In your eyes, I’m not worthy enough.

This is not me disqualifying, belittling myself. But this is what I felt from you. The moment you’ve taken me for granted, I’ve felt it all in my heart.

You have priorities. Let’s say you have 100 priorities. Tanggap ko na hindi ako yung pangfirst, second, third. Tanggap ko kung wala ako sa top 10. Pero you know what I felt. Na kahit sa pang100 wala ako. Because I was never a priority. Kasi nga hindi ako good enough. I’m not enough. I’m not worthy. I’m not deserving. Paulit-ulit.

This is what I feel. And it’s hard. F*ck, it’s so excruciating! You didn’t only break my heart. You broke my trust and the way I see myself. Everyday I feel that I will never be good enough, especially for someone.

Alam ko masakit tong mga nisasabi ko. Alam ko nasaktan ka rin. Pero hindi mo maiintindihan yung sakit ko. Kasi ako yung iniwan mo. Ako yung hindi mo pinili. Pakiramdam ko tinapon mo ako. I’m not even expecting you to understand kung bakit ganito yung nararamdaman ko, kung bakit nagagalit ako. Pagod na ako. Pero alam mo kung anong sobrang sakit? Na hanggang ngayon iniintindi ko, iniintindi kita. Na pilit kong nijajustify sa sarili ko, na ako yung mali sa buhay mo. That pursuing me was the worst decision you ever made in your entire life. Kaya nga di ka nakacommit eh. Nisasaksak ko sa utak ko na hindi ka masama, kasi hindi naman talaga eh! Alam ko na mabuti kang tao. Naramdaman ko naman. Huwag mong sisihin yung sarili mo kasi walang masama na pinili mo yung gusto mo talagang gawin, yung gusto mong maging. Hanggang ngayon mas pinipili kong tignan yung kabaitan mo, kahit sobrang sakit na ng nararamdaman ko. Hanggan ngayon mas pinipili kong patawarin ka, kahit nagagalit pako. Hindi nga ako nagkekwento sa ibang tao dahil ayokong mapasama ka, kasi di ka naman talaga masama. Kahit sa ate ko, sa kuya ko, sa mama ko, sabi ko huwag ka nilang pagisipan ng masama. Lahat ng sakit na nararamdaman ko, kinikimkin ko lang. Hindi ako umiiyak sa iba kahit na gustong-gusto ko na sana may umintindi din sakin. Hindi ako makaiyak sa mama ko kasi baka sa’yo bumalik.

Gustong-gusto kitang tulungan, na dalhin din yung hirap mo, na ishare mo saken yung burdens mo. Gustong-gusto kita icomfort at yakapin tuwing nakikita kita. You don’t know how much I care about you. I gave so much just so I could keep you. Pero I lost myself in the process. Para lang di ka mawala, pero nawala ka pa rin. Lalo lang ako nakakagulo diba? I was never able to cheer you up, kahit konti. So please, stop confusing me. Ipakita mo na lang sakin, na yung nisasabi mong magulong buhay mo, that your life is a mess na umayos. Kasi yun yung nipapaniwalaan kong purpose kung bat moko tinanggal. Na yun yung dahilan kung bat moko binitawan. Para umayos yung buhay mo. Para mas maging masaya ka. Para mas maging madali para sa’yo. Kasi kung magulo pa din yung buhay mo, lalo mo lang akong sasaktan. Ipakita mo saken na masaya ka, accomplished ka at fulfilled. Dahil totoo yung sinabi kong gusto kong maging successful ka at masaya, kahit hindi ako parte nun. I thanked you before kasi niparamdam mo saking kaya ko palang magmahal. Pero ngayon, narealise ko, maybe it’s just for a while. Ngayon, pakiramdam ko, hindi ko na talaga kaya. Hindi ko na kayang maniwala. Hindi ko na kayang magtiwala. Before, you told me that the guy who said na mahirap akong mahalin was a jerk. Pero naniniwala na ako sa guy na yun. No one will ever fight for me. No one can ever love me. No one will ever see my worth. No one will ever go beyond borders for me. No one will ever look at me like I’m the greatest girl in their life. No one will be afraid to lose me. No one would want to marry me. No one will ever try to understand me, yung nararamdam ko, san ako nanggagaling, walang makakaintindi ng mga breakdowns ko. Walang makakatiyaga saken. I will always be the one being taken for granted. No one can ever appreciate me and the love I could give. No one can. No one would dare. No one. Not even you. At the end of the day, even though hindi mo sinabi, you made me believe that I’m just a girl. Just a girl na mahirap, sobrang hirap na mahalin. And I believe it’s because of that difficulty, that you chose to let go of me.

I’m not enough for you. I’m not deserving of you. I’m not worthy to you. But don’t worry. I will always have this happy facade. I’m an expert in faking it till I make it. Hindi ko ititigil ang mundo ko para magmukmok lang. I know I have my family, a few trusted friends, and God on my side.

I’m trying my best to forget about you, kahit na alam kong hindi ko yun magagawa totally. Dito pa lang sa bahay, makita ko lang si Pong, maaalala na kita. I even tried na maghanap ng magaadopt sa kanya. Pero hindi ko rin magawang ipamigay sha, kasi sobrang mahal ko din sha. I have many things to remind me of you. So nacoconfuse talaga ako.

Sobrang sakit pa din Sir EJ. Kasi kahit naman wala na tayo, di naman ako tumigil. Hindi naman ako tumigil mahalin ka. Hindi pa nga ako tumitigil ipagpray ka. Sometimes I even find myself browsing through our pictures dun sa gdrive na nishare mo.

You don’t know how much I wanted to hug you yesterday. How much I wanted to ask things like, “kamusta ka na”, “may thesis ka na ba”. “nakakakain ka na ba ng maayos”, “nakakapagbasketball ka na ba ulet”, among other things, especially nung lumipat sila Ms. Jen and naiwan tayong dalawa... Now that I think about it, bakit may ganung eksena, bat need nilang lumipat, ang awkward.

I wanted to accept your gift, really. Pero parang di ko kasi kaya. If I accepted and use it, ano sa tingin mo yung maglalaro sa isipan ko? Kaya sana maintindihan mo kung bakit ko toh nigagawa. Kung bat ako nagsusulat, kung bat ako nagvevent out. Kung bat I thought need mo tong malaman.

I love you. I still do. So much, so bad. Pero alam ko wala na. Alam ko ako na lang nakakaramdam. That’s why I’m doing my best to accept na hindi na. So pakiusap, please don’t make me hope for something if alam mong hindi talaga sha para saken.

P.S. If there’s one thing I was happy about during our outing, aside from the engagement and our bonding together, it was hearing you laugh again, seeing you happy.

I’m hoping that the next time we meet, I can show you a genuine happy face too.

[bloodinyourcoffeestream]

one month of practice teaching

ＴＲＡＮＳＣＲＩＰＴ

BEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEESSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSS WTF I HAVE SO MANY STORIES TO TELL YOU CAN I JUST CALL????????? I'M CRYING EVERY WEEK IS HELL WEEK WHEN YOU'RE A STUDENT-TEACHER

actually i would most likely just break down ya kno if my hair isn't this short i'd consider getting a haircut again, why do my kids have to be so rowdy what the actual fuck???????????????/ i've walked out on two of my classes already which is super Not a good notch on my performance but jesus fuckin christ no one ever said it would be this hard (maybe except that one senior who advised me to shift courses when i was a sophomore)

i'm saying this so often these days but i've never been this Tired in my entire goodamn life!!!!!!!!!!!!!! ya know how yoi outgays itself in every episode?? it's like that for me except each day outstresses the previous one time to die

ya i'm sorry it's just ughughhuhuhuhguhughughuhuhuhguhughuhuhuhughu teaching is fun and all but? i thought i'd stop getting stressed once i get adjusted to the environment but holy fuck it seems everyday that passes reduces my tolerance for my kids' antics

i'm a pretty chill teacher in general i let them have free reign in my time as long as they submit their outputs on time. we start the class late up to 20mins to wait for the latecomers!!!!!!!!!!! they can like eat and play music and even walk around or do stuff for other subjects and even fucking sleep!!!! (they even played 'stupid love' and 'kalimutan mo na yan' and 'titibo-tibo' in my class and i never judged them for it!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!) they can easily gain my permission when they want to excuse their whole class to practice for their mapeh cheerdance!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! i joke around with them!!!! i treat them all like i personally ejected them outta my damn womb & raised them for 16 or so years!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

i'm a pretty chill teacher in lectures too i try to be as jolly as possible!!!!!!!! i try to make discussions interactive!!!!!!!!!!!! i'm generous with recitation chips!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! (u can get chips just by sweeping the floor and erasing the board!!!!!!!!!!!!) i spend all night designing lesson-related games so that my kids wouldn't get bored!!!!!!! i give them plenty of time before the deadline!!!!!!!!!!!!! (like we spend a whole week for each output!!!) i go around the room during hands-on activities to make sure they're all doing their work properly!!!!!!!!! i even lent them my drafting stuff & provided them with bond paper bc i know how broke they are!!!!!!!!! you should come & sit in one of my classes they'll be the best thing you'll ever witness. i swear. i'm the best B-)

so holy mother of fuck why can't they give me the 1 ounce of respect i deserve? i'm so kind to them is it so hard to be kind back???? why are they all after my blood??????//

being strict's not my thing because strict teachers get less respect and u know it!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! sinasaway ko sila + nagtataray ako minsan pero sandaling-sandali lang then back to bibo hotdog na aaaaaaaaaaaaaaaahhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh

i'm so sorry for this rant i know i'm not supposed to be complaining to you i just. can't bring myself to tell my co-teachers bc they just tell me to be strict. and i can't for the life of me be strict. i literally forget which kids were noisy and rowdy after a maximum of 10 seconds!!!!!!!!!!! i easily forget which classes i'm supposed to be angry with and treat them well again the next day!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! uhuhhuhuhuhuhuhuuuhhuhughughghuhuhuhuhuhhghugh kahihiyan ako

which is why i walked out of two of my classes; i feel like i've done everything to deserve their respect and it turns out i still don't. and idk what to do with them anymore honestly

i'm so stressed na bimb. minura ko na yung lower sections na hawak ko legit if my advisor/cooperating teacher(CT) finds out i'll get a bad rating for sure (and if i get a bad rating, laude is cancelledt) (super bigat na batas sa high school teachers na bawal magmura). i told them verbatim; guys kayo di ko kayo ginagago kaya pwede ba ako huwag niyo ring gaguhin? (which sounds light but not when coming from a hs teacher ok? some of them audibly gasped wow high schoolers are so soft) but even that didn't seem to have an effect on my raucous kids hanunah

anyway i just feel so weak now?? i forgive too easily specially especially after they've apologized or stopped being dicks + they make me smile so easily bc they're mostly so sweet & funny??????? why don’t i have the ability to stay mad & hold grudges & be strict hahahahhuhuhuhuhuhuhuhuhuhuetangina

some 'anonymous feedback' i got was that, para raw akong baliw, one minute galit then the other bati-bati na ulit, tas parang be-babyhin ko pa yung mga sinita ko. inexplain ko nalang na di ko kayang magalit then my CT said kailangan kong maging consistent - kung galit, galit talaga, or else magmumukha talaga akong baliw. or di na ako susundin kasi parang joke lang ako magalit

b i h

iyak na c acoe

i'm sorry this is so long i feel like we haven't talked in years!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! i'm writing this in the faculty room actually haha i feel like i'd stop functioning if i don't type these out, my head is such a wreck rn bc i keep getting bad feedback about my teaching strategy, sorry for all the exclamation points :(((((((

yung CT ko pa, he's always insisting that my lower-sectioners are just a bunch of assholes, KSPs, and lazy fucks, but they're not!!!!!!!! they're actually really sweet, they can be competitive when motivated properly, and they have so much potential???? their grades might be mostly seven-liners – (yung isa kong anak aNG SAYA-SAYA NIYA NUNG BINIGYAN KO SIYA NG 79 LIKE ?????) (pinaulit ko yung gawa niya btw tinuro ko ulit sa kanya kung alin yung mga mali niya hahahahaha then naging 103/100 pa yun) (may +5 kasi pag nagpasa before the deadline so ayun) – but they're the ones who are maparaan/madiskarte; i know they're the ones who's most likely to succeed in real life. they're also the ones who greet me on the corridors & off-campus with those cheerful "hi ma'am"s!!! ma'am buhatin ko na gamit mo!! ma'am ako na magwawalis!! idk if i’m a fool but i only see kindness & initiative in their actions?? these pabibos are gonna go far, i believe in them so much, i really go

the top-sectioners my CT puts on such a high pedestal are mostly GCs and self-entitled, always have their noses in the air & think they're better than everyone including me. always competing with their "Friends", crab mentality, always memorizing my material even if i always tell them to Understand instead of memorize bc they'll never learn shit that way????

i'm so dismayed bc there's a very specific mould that determines whether you're a 'good teacher' or not. and that mould is so, so different from what my shape is. that mould goes against my beliefs and principles; that mould is nearly everything i've been wanting to fight against when i decided to be a teacher and holy shit it looks like i have to fit in that stupid, ugly mould if i want to graduate. nevermind cum laude; i'd never graduate unless i fit in that bullshit mould

shet bes magpapakain ako sa sistema makakuha lang ng diploma

ily so much baks thanks for listening to my stupid rants. i don't know who to turn to, everyone else is like 'ganun talaga' or some other bs i wanna jump off a cliff, pls i'd rather disappear than magpalamon sa sistema. tangina ng sistema

why do i have to be so stubborn why am i like this?????

bes

ang sama pala maging weird

tanggap ko na nga sarili ko eh minamahal ko na nga yung pagiging weird ko pero hindi pala pwede; not in this profession; shet bes i need to become normal 2 survive. no fun allowed

now i just want to go home & send u thing whole novel can u believe i've been here since 5:30am!!!!!!! every!!! single!!!! weekday!!!!!! it's 5pm now but i can't go home yet bc i have to check tons of student outputs and write 5 semi-detailed lesson plans so that i can actually rest at home. someone take me out, the footbridge in sandigan is really tempting sometimes you know? the one that crosses over the underpass and u can see all the trucks passing underneath the bridge, plus theres a bunch of electric cables too. and when you're standing on that spot on the footbridge, the view of the sky is super pretty too. (you know what, maybe i'll take a photo when i pass by later. if it's there's still daylight out, that is.) it's so tempting sometimes,, sadly i'll never hear jung hoseok's contagious laughter if i pull any shit

do u think i should drop out now and just. i dunno work as a farmer in pangasinan or somewhere farther, like in visayas or maybe even cambodia where so much myths and folklore thrive, at least that sounds a lot less mentally taxing. i have backpain now anyway; i won't have to complain about that when i'm actually farming

i can't even listen to all the older songs i like bc they make me nostalgic about the past sjhkjhkjdhfkshdk i've told you how much i hate this nostalgia already, it hasn't stopped yet, gods help me!! i keep saying, "sana thesis na lang, thesis na lang ulit" and it's not even funny anymore

i'm so sorry for telling you all this :((( i'm sure you're stressed with school too, i hope i'm not adding to that. don't worry about me, okay? i'm probably not as stressed as i seem anyway, i tend to overact a lot then be perfectly fine after drying my tear ducts and then an 8-hour sleep and like a hot meal that isn't just reheated for the 5th time. i'm so sorry for making you read all this, this is like 5 whole pages i'm sorry :'((((

there's another lower-sectioner i wanna tell you about but this is getting ridiculously long, ask me about patricia sometime ok? it's kind of long-ish hahahaha

but u know what the worst thing is??? I BOUGHT TWO PUDDINGS FROM THE BAKERY YESTERDAY & ONE OF THEM FELL ON THE PAVEMENT JUST LIKE THAT. IF THE GOD'S AREN'T BULLYING ME IDK WHAT THIS IS

[invisiblejanelle]

Eyes on you. Heart still for you.

Hello AG. Matagal tagal na rin simula nung huling sulat ko dito. :) Puro bitterness kasi noong mga nakaraan kaya ayoko ng isulat dito. Maiinis lang ako pag nabasa ko in the future. Sumulat ako kasi namiss kita. Haha. Galing nu? Nasabi ko uli yan. Na namiss kita. Paano? Kahapon? Nakita kita kahapon sa RP meeting. Nagngitian pa nga tayo diba? Hmm. Siguro kapag nagsmile ako sa'yo, parang casual na lang or normal na lang. Oo, ganun talaga. Nagagawa ko nang ngitian ka na parang wala na lang. Pero syempre, AG naman.. 1 year yun eh! Hindi yun madaling makalimutan. Ikaw ang pinakamatagal. Hindi man tayo laging magkasama non within 1 year pero yung attachment.. attached na talaga. So ayun nga. Nagstart kahapon. Then ngayon. Aba'y pagkakita namin ni Alberta, sinabi agad sa'ken na nakita ka. Hahaha. Ay sino ba namang hindi makakaramdam ng tuwa?! Oo, alam ko namang dahil sa sirkito din yon ng Ate mo. Edi ayos diba? Sige, ayoko ng pagwanderin ang isip ko sa hindi dapat. Lahat ng pagdalo mo, sa meeting man o sa C.A, lahat yun ay may dahilan pero hindi na 'ko diba? Oo, i'm wishin' na sana ako pa rin. Legit. Pero anong magagawa ko? Kahit legit ang feelings.. pwede ring mawala eventually. Lalo na kung walang nagsusupply to keep it alive. Wala na tayong text, chat, call. Tanggap ko na yun. Kaso nakakalungkot na hindi na tayo nagbabatian kagaya dati.. Yung tropa lang. Hehe. Kaso syempre, dahil nga sa nakaraan, paano naman magiging ganon agad? Feeling ko nga, to be honest, ako yung pinakalugi. Ako yung pinaka-kawawa. Kung alam mo lang. Alam mo rin na hindi ka worth it sa drama na naranasan ko dahil sa'yo pero mababago pa ba 'yun? Nangyari na eh. Masaya na ko na nakikita kita from afar. Masaya na kong hahanapin ka ng mata ko pag di kita nakikita. Parang crush lang nu? But it's not only a mere crush. You know I like you, we know that. And I felt it too. Nagdoubt lang ako kasi walang actions.. til now. Sa totoo lang, iniisip ko pa rin yung mga sinabi mo. Yea, paminsan minsan. Hindi na kasing dalas ng dati. Iniisip ko na.. totoo pa rin kaya yun sa'yo? Gagawin mo pa rin kaya? O talagang wala ka ng planong balikan ako? Or worse, from the start, everything was a joke. Naalala mo nun nung sinabi mo na simula nung naging ako na, dun bumalik uli yung pagkagusto mo na mag-asawa? Hindi na ba sya legit ngayon? Nag-expire na ba yun? Hay. Puro questions na lang ako. Hmm. Siguro naghihintay pa ko AG. Ang kaibahan na lang ngayon, hindi na sa'yo umiikot ang mundo ko. Natauhan na ko na kahit maging miserable ang buhay ko habang iniintay ka, wala lang mangyayaring maganda. Oo, may intay pa. Pero iniintay ko na lang din na mabalitaan na may iba ka ng pinopormahan o binabakuran. Sana lang sa huli hindi ako makaramdam ng galit sa'yo. Kanina pala, andun ka nung dumating ang 3 itlog. Haha. Sila alberta. Kung ako pa rin, malamang magseselos ka. Pero so what? Diba wala nang tayo. Ay nagkaron ba? :) Pero kung meron pa nga, hwag ka mag-alala. Sabi nga sayo, 100 mang lalaki ang nasa harap ko, ikaw pa rin pipiliin ko. At kung wala na, okay lang. Atleast nagiging normal na buhay ko. Hindi na ko ganoon natatakot kung makita mo kong may kausap na brother. Pero sa side ko? Hahahaha. Nakita kita may kasamang sister. Pero di naman kayo natuloy na umalis. I'm watching you! Alam mo pano ko maginarte. Pero so what again? Wala nang tayo. Nakakaselos. Pero ano magagawa ko. Sabi nga sayo eh, inaantay ko na lang na malamang may iba ka na. Para talagang totally titigil na ko. AG, mahirap lokohin sarili. Gusto pa kita. Nagiintay pa ko, mga 50%. Pero mas iniintay ko na si JH. Siya ang bahala na magbalik sa'yo sa akin kung ikaw nga ang ibibigay nya sa'ken. At kung hindi ikaw, tiyak sinuman yun, deserve na deserve nya ko. I may be stuck in between, but I'm happy now. Masaya na kong makita ka at balikan ang masasaya din nating convo. :)

[chickabebeaj]

Naloko...

Sobrang sakit maloko. Tagos na tagos yung pain talaga. Kasi minahal at pinagkatiwalaan mo yun taong yun. Napakadaling magtiwala, pero kung anong ikinadali neto, eh ganun naman kahirap ibalik yun. Kahit man magtiwala ulit, hindi na maibabalik yung dati, kasi nasira na. Hindi na 100% yun completely. Kasi kaakibat neto yung pagdududa, hinala na maslalong makaka inflict ng pain. Mas lalong mag cacause ng away. Hindi ko lang talaga matanggap na nangyare eto sakin. Ng hindi lang isang beses, kundi dalawa. First sa nauna kong naging bf and now sakanya. Ang unfair talaga ng life. Hindi ko toh deserve. Walang taong deserve maloko! Hindi ko lubos maisip, kung bakit may mga taong nakukuhang saktan ang ibang tao na walang ibang ginawa kundi ang mahalin sila. Minahal ko siya ng buong buo at buong tapang kong binigay yung puso, trust, at pagkatao ko sakanya tapos sa huli eto yung matatanggap ko. Kahit man sinabi niya saking mahal niya ako, nag sinungaling pa din siya. Nagawa niya akong lokohin at hindi ko talaga inaasahan yun kasi sa lahat ng pwedeng magsinungaling at manloko sa'kin siya pa. Siya na pinagkatiwalaan ko ng sobra sobra. Talagang hindi sumagi sa isip ko na magagawa niya sa'kin yun pero wala eh. Nagawa na niya, at sobrang tagal na pala. Nabulag ako sa mga matatamis, mga mabubulaklak niyang salita at pangako. Sa sobrang sakit gusto ko nalang sumuko. Pero naalala ko may mga pangarap pa ako sa buhay at gusto kong tuparin at makamit ang lahat ng yon. I want to make God proud. I want to make my parents/family proud. My best friend proud. My friends proud. Kasi sila yung mga taong mahal ako at tanggap ako kung ano ako. Pagsubok lang eto sa'kin ni God at alam kong may purpose ang lahat ng eto. Kaya kung may problema kayo katulad ng sitwasyon ko or kung kahit ano mang problema. Mag pray ka lang kay God kasi he will help you all the way.

[queen-x07]

PAGTANGGAP

Yung unti unti mo ng natatanggap na hindi na siya babalik sa iyo. Unti unting nawawala ang nararamdaman ng puso mo para sa kanya. Hindi nan dahil ayaw mo na sa kanya, kundi hindi kayo tinadhana para sa isa't isa. Ano nga ba ang pag ibig after break up? MAHAL MO PA. Pero kailangan mo lang tanggapin na HINDI NA KAYO BABALIK SA DATI. Yung civil nalang kayo. Yung nag uusap kayo bilang magkaibigan. Minsan uusap pag bored siya. Pero wag mong hahayaan mastuck ka sa kalagayan mo na yon. Dahil kailangan kayanin mo. Kahit pang sabihin niyang special ka pa din sa kanya. Know the limit. I mean, special ka nga sa kanya pero wala kayong patutunguhan. Anong magiging ending niyo? Masasaktan ka lang lalo dahil hinayaan mong malugmok ka sa pagmamahal na alam mong hindi para sa inyo. Tanggapin mo na maluwag sa puso mo. Para pag nagmahal ka ng bago, mas mabibigay mo ang puso mo bg 100%. Pag nagmahal ka, alamin mo kung saan ka. Kung saan ka sa parte ng buhay niya. Dahil minsan masakit na nasa huling priority ka. Kase hindi mo alam kung importante ka o ano. Kaya pag nagmahal ka, give your 100% effort and love. Do small sacrifices. Like talking to her after your work, tell her how much you love her, how you still fall for her everyday, and give her the smile you always wanted to see. But you know what? We all know, you give your 100%. So, now. Thank you. Thank you for making me more braver to face reality, stronger to stand in every struggle that life will give me. I'm sorry if I've hurt you a lot of times. I'm okay. I'll be okay. Tanggap ko na. Buong puso ko ng tinatanggap at hindi nako umaasang babalik tayo sa dati. Focus nako sa studies ko. No more heartbreaks. No more pain. Just #GAPANGPHARMA lang. 😂 Nakakangiti nako ng hindi ikaw ang dahilan. Nakakatawa na din akong malakas. Hindi na sila fake. Totoong totoo na sila. Salamat at nakita ko kung gaano ka na ka okay. Sana maging masaya ka sa kanya. Hanggang sa muling pagkikita ng mga tadhana na'tin. Hindi man pag iibigan, kundi pagkakaibigan. Paalam, Physical Therapist. Goodluck sa next chapter ng buhay mo.

[allychfiles]

Hi gabby, this past few days sobrang gulo ngmga naramdaman ko. Siguro kasi nagsisink in na talaga sakin ngayon na wala ka na talaga sa buhay ko. Nung last kasi nagusap tayo talagang binusy ko ung sarili ko para less thinking,less pain. But eto may quarantine.. all that i do is think think and think. Kung mababasa mo man to im sure nabasa mo hng mga ahead na posts. Im sorry. Im very emotional and im very sad and hurt at the same time. Duting this past fee days nageevaluate din ako ng sarili ko. Ano ba talagang nararamdaman ko? Ano bang plano ko? Ano bang mas importante? At ano ba ung mas ikakabuti mo.

Well first thing is talagang masakit sakin . Sobra. Its the First time for me to be broken hearted like this. Though ganto din naman dati pag nagaaway tayo. Like nung ikaw na ung di kumausap sakin nung mga last december to evaluate your feelings also. Ganun. Pero iba kasi ung sakit neto. Ung alam kong mahirap ibalik . Mahirap ayusin. Unang pumasok sa isip ko? Kausapin ka ulit. Magmakaawa kung pwede. Kaso naawa na din ako sa sarili ko gabby. Hindi ko naimagine eversince na magmamakaawa ako sa isang tao to stay with me. Akala ko hindi mo nabasa ung last chat ko sayo kaso nagreply ka ng “i cant” and “im sorry” . Sobrang sakit non and sobrang nakababa ng self esteem ko. Kasi tangina nagmamakaawa na ko para lang balikan ako ng isang tao. Syet. Never ko inexpect na magagawa ko yon. But still. Your more important than my pride, than My ego.

Then sabi ko sa sarili ko, kung kausapin kita after quarantine? For proper closure. Kasi yan din sinasabi nina camille sakin. Kaso ayaw kitang i give up gabby. Closure diba para yon sa talagang wala na? Yes you may have given up on me but ako hindi. I still treasured you . I still want you back.

Sabi ko sige i’ll give you time to heal. And to heal my self too. Kasi gusto ko pag magtry ako ulit na bumalik sa buhay mo im ok na. Na im here for you. As your bestfriend. I know na masya ka naman na sa relationship mo so i wont cause you trouble pa. And i want to reassure you na i wont get in the middle between you and your gf. Infact gusto ko nga sya maging friend eh. Dibaaa? Usapan natin yon dati na ung mga jowa natin kaibiganin din dibaaa? Support wach other . And Alam ko naman na di mo na din naman ako mahal like before for us to be in a relationship pa eh so nilalaban ko na lang ay pagiging bestfriends natin.

I learned it the hard way gabby. Ung tinuturo mo na ang magkaibigan kahit di lagi naguusap magkaibigan pa din right? Sabi mo gusto mo ung tipong kahit isang taon di nagkikita or naguusap pag bumalik close pa din. Thats what i want also gabby. And im sorry i just understand it ngayon lang. di na sana umabot sa point na ganito. But also siguro ok na din to no? Heal time. Para pag ok na ko. Pede na tayo ulit bestfriends. Katulad nung ginawa mo dati? Sana lang tanggapin mo din ako ulit gaya nung ginawa ko dati.

So im waiting gabby. Sana makaya ko? Sooo ung email na masesend sayo May 5 pa. Exact day kung kelan tayo first na nagkita. After that gabby, babalik ako. Ilalaban ko ulit. Ok na ko nun. Sana lang ok lang din sayo. I will fight for my bestfriend. Kasi ganun ka kaimportante sakin. Hindi na to usapang romantic feelings. Pure friendship gabby. Gusto ko andun ako for you lagi. Anytime you needed your bestfriend I’ll be there. Mapaproblema, celebrations, sana hanggang wedding and till forever diba? Sana. Yun na lang hinohope ko.

Actually nagtatalo talaga sa isip ko yan eh. Baka pag nagintay ako ng 1 year or so mawala na talgang chance. Eh what if ngayon na diba? Kaso parang this time ayaw na ayaw mo pa sakin. Based on your posts alam kong ayaw mo pa sakin na dahil alam mong nagtitingin ako ng profile mo pinamumukha mo sakin na di mo ko kailangan , na di mo na gustong bumalik ako and ayon naisip ko kung ipipilit ko ngayon mukhang walang chance na pagbigyan mo ko. Syempre naisip ko din na you need to reassure din ung gf mo na sya talaga mahal mo. Kasi sino nga naman ung may gusto na ung ex nung bf mo bumabalik diba? Pero di naman ako para mangagaw pa gabby. Di ko na ilalaban yon. Kasi alam kong di ka naman papsok sa relationship hanggat di ka 100% sure sa nararamdaman mo para sakanya. Meaning.. sakin wala na talagang pagmamahal. Sad but I accepted it naman na. You deserve to be happy naman talaga. You deserve someone na naipagmamalaki ka sa socmed. Hindi ung hanggang kwento lang sa mga kaibigan nya. Deserve mo ung may malakas na loob para ipakilala at iharap ka sa pamilya nila. You deserve the happiness na hindi ko nabigay sayo eversince... and yes kahit masakit tanggap ko naman na wala nang chance tayo. I will move on.

Sa pageevaluate ko ng nararamdaman ko gabby... sabi ko oo mahal pa naman kita eh pero mas mahal kita bilang bestfriend. Kaya ayaw kitang mawala. Sana naiintindihan mo ko sa part na to gabby. Kasi eto din naman ung ineexplain ko dati pa. Kaso parang nung nagusap tayo na last sabi mo “may maaasahan pa ba ko sayo?” Naisip ko romantically ba yon? Sana pala sumagot ako ng oo no? Sana di ako naduwag. Pero thats ok. Your happy now. And ako soon sana 🙂 Sana talaga. And im not expecting na din na babalik sa dating dati ung turingan natin. Alam mo un .. narealize ko ung sinabi mong masya nga ung bestfriend na kahit di laging kausap is alam mong andyan para sayo. And that is my goal gabby. I will be a bestfriend to you. Kahit hindi ko alam kung tinuring mo kong bestfriend talaga eh. Pero ikaw gabby.. you will be my one and only bestfriend. Soulmate kita dibaaa .

Sooo ayon hanggat di pa tayo ok .. siguro dito muna kita kakausapin lagi. Parang nasasabi ko na din naman ung mga gusto kong sabihin sayo eh. Infairness achievement ko na ung magpost dito ng di ako umiiyak. Siguro kasi tinanggal ko na lahat ng hatred ko for you. Kasi alam ko namang its my fault. So ako gagawa ng paraan. 🙂 so whatever happens. I will be back gabby . I will be healed and hindi na ko broken and immature. I will be the perfect bestfriend for you. So please accept me. Sana. Im going to do anything naman eh for you to accept me. Sa ayaw mo o sa hindi ahaha 😂

Cant wait to talk to you again ..

I miss you gabby. Sobra sobraaa. ❤️