#talking to my supervisor tmw

[ist-das-kunst-oder-kann-das-weg]

Defense tomorrow!

I have a nice little blackboard presentation that is only 20 mins instead of 30, as I noticed today. Also it is basically just the scenic route to the definition of the Alexander polynomial, so the existence of a proof in this presentation is debatable.

But I decided that since this is my last rodeo at uni for the foreseeable future (sounds as if I had a plan - I do not), I will sit back and enjoy the show. Instead of deciding what I will talk about for the last 10 mins, I went bouldering. Tomorrow I will read up on two things that might need to be emergency material, but I will just read a bit directly from my thesis then. I also might have to print it tmw, but my supervisor hasn't answered my email from yesterday. Perhaps it's good that it is only happening at 14.

I hope that tomorrow I wake up well rested, that I will still be as calm as today, that I can answer at least some questions, that I, even if I cannot answer questions, find it still enjoyable to have a try at a "loose conversation about math" (or even outright hilarious like in my worst exam ever), that I don't cry when they tell me my grade and that my nose has stopped bleeding by 2pm.

[gxxsolinemoved]

my schedule for thanksgiving got changed from 5:30 - 10 pm to 5:30 - 1am. basically imma die now lmfao 

[bloodxhands]

..

[hawkenskuudere]

I know it's not something people talk openly about, at least not as much as it should be. But mental illness is a fucking bitch. I have struggled and suffered with depression since I was a child. I remember being in the first grade or so and speaking to a school counselor. They asked me to draw a self portrait and I drew myself crying. (blue glittery tears mind you I was always fabulous) when they asked why I was crying I simply shrugged and said "I don't know. I'm just sad." And that is my earliest memory of it. But it hasn't gone away, hasn't gotten better just easier to manage. Well, most days. Some days it just weighs on me. I've been on antidepressants since high school and while they help me function they aren't a cure all. My anxiety started to develop around the time I was in middle school. And while both of these things make my mind a horrible place to be I can't say I haven't gotten used to them and how my mind works. I should honestly be in therapy to help work on all these issues that get brought up so I can manage it all better but lack of insurance makes that difficult. Anywho, that's besides the point.

I guess the feeling of my downward spiral started a couple days ago. Wednesday morning I woke up from a dream... I have heard that in some cases of bipolar disorder distressing dreams can be a precursor to a low. I do not believe I am bipolar though my mother was. Anywho I often have dreams of angering those I love or being alone and isolated from them. This dream wasn't all that different. My mother passed away when I was 13 and it has left a permanent scar. But this dream was basically about me squatting in the old house we used to live in. I just felt like if I was still living there she would come back. But as dreams often do it wasn't quite the same house. For starters when she got sick I was living in Ohio. My sister's (who I am closest to in my family) lived in washington state or idaho at the time. But in this dream they were close by, neighbors I could see walking around and living life while I was self trapped in this suddenly decaying house waiting for a mother that I subconsciously knew would never return. But I watched them, praying they would notice me and save me and at the same time terrified that they would. I woke as my dream self sobbed in a cold corner on the floor and a deep sadness resonated with me for hours after that. But of course I had to get up for work and had no time to just wallow in my anguish. Work has been hectic. With quarantine we and time we lost half our workers and now there are only 3 of us and our supervisor. So most of the time I don't even get my 2 days off and if I do they are split and hardly seem like enough. Continuing on, I pushed through the rest of the day and managed to put it out of my mind while I went to a party at my sister's. It was nice getting to see both of them. But as I posted before about the girl I gave my number to, I have not received a message and I don't expect to. Rejection is something I do not handle well and though it stings I kind of had the feeling this wouldn't turn out the way I had hoped. Though everyone said how proud they were of me for trying to make a connection I am reminded why I don't. My friend saw an interaction we had the next day and while she seemed to think everything was fine my anxiety riddled mind saw something completely different. It has me fine tuned into any sort of rejection. She was not happy to see me when I approached to pay for my items. And her attempt to reconcile and say she would text me seemed like a last ditch effort to spare my feelings. Anywho, now tonight is finally a night before a day off tmw and my other friend. My best friend really, he is the platonic love of my life and I miss him. We live in different cities and while they aren't too far away our schedules never seem to match up anymore. He said he had a few days in a row off and I told him hopefully Friday would be my day off. I have since confirmed it is and I have not received an answer. Again understandable but it stings. All I can see is a rejection despite my knowing it is anything but. And then earlier I tried making plans with one of my sister's and I thought it could still be salvaged and reaffirm I am indeed wanted by the people I love (I know I am at a certain level but my mind never lets me believe it for long) but she later says she remembered she has to work and wants to hang out after work on Saturday. Now I am sure having a whole day with no pressing matters would seem ideal... But now I just feel alone. I feel like I can just be brushed aside. Set somewhere to be forgotten until I'm relative again.

Rest assured this is merely me getting out the tangled mess of emotions I am right now, I don't need anyone outside of my circle to feel bad or pity me. It's a struggle I deal with and the best way is to just let this out into the void. Anywho let's see if I can sleep. See ya later~

[ist-das-kunst-oder-kann-das-weg]

I am done with my exams! Forever! (Except for the defense of my thesis.)

This whole exam season has been a dumpster fire organization-wise, but also in general I am obvsly so happy it is over.

The exam today was a bit weird. I said I don't want topics 3 or 4. I got topic 4. (I have never gotten topic 1 in amy of my exams, but thrice did I get the last topic - unfair!) I did the presentation in under 5mins. We are supposed to talk for 15 mins. After that you get grilled. And damn, I couldn't answer some very basic definition questions to the point that I asked whether I can even still pass or whether we could also just stop the exam there. But in the end, I somehow still managed to get a 7 (the middle grade).

The co-examinor just got kinda worked up on the fact that my presentation was really good, PhD-level he said (I copied it from the book and learned it by heart, I have little idea of what was going on), and whenever I could answer, it was apparently really really well done (I would have had that in one of the other presentations, which I mostly also had learned by heart, but at least understood), but when I could not answer, there was just nothing. He looked really pained when he told me they had to give me a 7, but well, by now I am kinda used to underachieving, even though people recently haven't been as adamant about it as he was. He went like "You could do a PhD! If you would just fix stuff like that. Do you want to do a PhD?" and I was like "Not anymore" and he was like ":O What? Why? Do you really want to work a regular job at some office for 8hrs every day?" and up until then I thought professors are also working 8hrs a day at some office. Whatever, my point was that the prof just told me "hey I think you can manage a PhD" when I had just made my peace with not doing a PhD but now I am actually thinking a bit about it again, argh.

But I can do that later because first I will sleep some, then tmw I will clean my flat and do the dishes and do some laundry and cut my hair and cook myself something nice. And if the math mood catches me, I might look into my master thesis topic, which will be knot theory! Perhaps it was a good thing my previous supervisor kicked me out lol. But that all comes later.