#talking to a friend who has had multiple bad experiences dating trans women

[rebellum]

How the FUCK do I respond to someone saying "i know Mrs. Doubtfire wasn't a trans woman, but I just want to meet a trans woman who is like Mrs. Doubtfire"

[anxiolycious]

I never really intended to use this blog for anything but gathering posts I liked, mostly gender terms. But I've been taking the time to think about transandrophobia since reading about the concept more, and I didn't realize it was something I needed to hear about so badly. Something I had a lot of trauma around.

I'm mobile only and don't know how to put this under a cut, so TW for misgendering, transphobia, fetishization, religious abuse, and sexual assault.

And lately it's been on my mind, so I wanna talk about how a cis woman chased and assaulted me for being an intersex trans man. Because I think white, perisex, cis women have been let off the hook for too much goddamn violence, and I had other cis women tell me I couldn't be raped by a woman as a man, and I need to tell this story.

When I was in my late teens-early 20s, a 20 year old woman started hanging out with our friendgroup. It didn't take her long to start making comments about me. About how she's "totally date me, except" she "isn't into [my genitals]." She made this comment a lot. Constantly, in fact.

And then she decided to spend months impersonating an important figure in my religion in order to violate my boundaries, coerce me, use me for personal gain, and then assault me multiple times. She wanted to chase me so bad, despite her repeatedly stated disgust over my genitals, that she pretended to be a spiritual figure in my fucking religion and fooled my psychotic ass into believing her for months. Just so she could assault me.

People will talk about women feeling safer to be around, the "sisterhood" feeling that women have with each other, how much ~nicer~ women are, and that hasn't been my experience, and I think it's made me take the men in my life for granted.

When I came out as a dyke, it was boys who were kind and helped me when I was being harassed by mean girls. It was always girls sexually harassing me, never boys. As I got older in high school, my friends were of all genders, and I had boyfriends, and those experiences were good.

But cis women over and over have been predatory to me. "Fake" hitting on me, groping me, making sexual comments about my body, all of that gross chaser shit has come from cis women and it was because I was an intersex trans masc. Don't you dare tell me it wasn't.

Chasers include cis women and this is a fact that needs to be talked about more.

Also this isn't a discourse post or blog, so attempts to argue with me will just be blocked and ignored.

[radkindoffeminist]

It annoys me so much that people will refuse to see how sometimes stuff feeds into a wider rhetoric and annoys me even further that when you question if something feeds into wider rhetoric that you’re dismissed as being like someone who believes in a crazy conspiracy or just told that not everything has to being about whatever issue. It’s just one show or film or plot or joke or comment and therefore is relatively harmless, right?

Like that post I shared the other day which said that asking a GNC person if they’re trans is just a question and not forcing them to be trans. But they don’t realise that they’re one person feeding into the wider rhetoric that GNC women are men and vice versa. When does it stop becoming people innocently asking one person a question (and btw a question GNC people have probably asked themselves before) and start becoming social pressure?

When I first started to think I was bisexual, I identified at so in the online spaces I was in. Multiple people questioned how I could possibly know I was bisexual if I had never even kissed before and thought that it was weird that I ‘just knew’ based on how I felt. I didn’t think so much about it when the first person asked me but by the tenth or so it had me seriously questioning myself and I ended up going back in the closet for another five years. You could argue that anyone who asked was just curious and asking a genuine question, but every person who asked made me question myself more. Every time that was their reaction to me saying I was bi, it pushed me back in the closest. When you ask gay and bi people how they ‘just know if they haven’t tried’ or ask GNC people if they’ve considered if they’re trans, you’re assuming they haven’t asked themselves that and that no one else has ever asked them that question before. Why would you assume that? Why ever ask a question that, more than likely, is just adding to the social pressure that they face?

What about a film like Licorice Pizza? It tells the story of a teenage boy falling in love with a 20-something woman and pursuing her until they eventually fall for each other. My friend thought it was a sweet romcom showing how people with age gaps can bond over shared interest. For me personally and as someone who dated a 21 year old when I was 15? I can’t see it as anything more than a film feeding into the rhetoric that paedophilia isn’t that bad when it’s the younger person pursuing the older person because it’s really only the grooming and lying which is the problem and not like the inherent power imbalances caused by teens not having as much life experiences, being at different developmental stages, and the financial differences. It took me so long to start dealing with the fact that I was traumatised and abused because in my first relationship and other ‘friendships’ I had, I had pursued them so I felt like it was my responsibility and that I did that to myself, but I know that the adults I was talking to should have known better than to keep talking to a fucking child and cut me off. Teenagers will always pursue adults, but adults have the responsibility to turn around and say no. We shouldn’t be blaming paedophilia on teens (especially teen girls) being to mature and irresistible for men to say no to.

And a final example: the way abortion is portrayed in the media, particularly medical dramas. I am convinced that this is why so many women see abortion as something which is only for the most desperate women and hence why so many refuse to seriously consider it as an option/automatically dismiss it. In every medical drama I’ve watched abortions are only seen as being for women who were raped, abused, or in a particularly poor (financial) situation, with only a small handful of exceptions to this rule. Women turn their noses up at the idea of having abortions, even when they are suffering from it or the baby won’t survive. Like Grey’s has four separate stories (one from the spin off) I can recall off the top of my head about women who were medically advised to have an abortion but refused because they would rather have the baby -two of these were because the baby wasn’t going to survive more than a few minutes; two because the women had cancer and couldn’t receive treatment while pregnant so accepted dying for the baby. Look at the wider media and what sort of stories about abortion access do you see post Roe vs Wade being overturned? I believe most the ones I’ve heard about are teenagers and/or rape victims.

Sometimes, something is just a joke or comment or whatever. But often when we say it’s feeding into wider rhetoric, we mean it. It’s never just one person or show or film company saying and doing these things, it’s many. They’re not all innocent and ignorant and we’re allowed to call out patterns when we see it. We’re not crazy conspirators for recognising that misogyny and homophobia and paedophilia exist in media, even if subtly.

[softtransbf]

Mister Nice Guy, part 1

Summary: You’re new to the BAU and get along well with everyone, almost. You can’t figure out why the infuriatingly handsome Dr. Spencer Reid seems to hate you so much.

Word Count: 2222

Reader: Trans man, he/him pronouns, no physical description.

Warnings: Alcohol, brief description of a case and therefore murder. Nothing graphic.

(Part two)

~~~~~~~~~~

It was your first day at the BAU, and you were so excited. It took all of your willpower not to skip from the elevator to your new boss' office. You definitely caught a sideways glance from an incredibly handsome man with very expressive eyebrows, but you didn't let it concern you; you'd worked too damn hard for too damn long to let anyone bring you down today. You got to the door and knocked sharply. 

"Agent L/N, please, come in," came a voice from inside the room. You took a deep breath and walked through the door.

You'd heard stories about Aaron Hotchner and the BAU- everyone had. Most people only heard the good parts- the heroic tales, the happy endings. But you liked to be prepared, to know the truth of what you were going after, so you'd also paid attention to the quieter whispers. The imposing boss who never smiles, the weird and maybe-pseudo-sexual relationship between the exuberant tech analyst and one of the profilers, the betting pool on whether or not the two female profilers were secretly gay for each other, true crime writer extraordinaire and profiling legend David Rossi leaving retirement to mostly be snarky, and the young agent with multiple doctorates who is smarter than seems humanly possible. You would never admit it, but you were particularly eager to meet the genius. He guest lectured once in your friend's linguistics class your last semester before graduating, and xe wouldn't shut up about him for an entire week. When you told xem that your transfer was approved, xe begged for "a full rundown on what he's like up close and personal" after your first case. But first, you needed to meet with SSA Hotchner.

"Please, take a seat." He gestured to the chairs in front of his desk. 

"Thank you. It's a pleasure to meet you, sir." You thanked your lucky star that your voice didn't shake.

"It's a pleasure to have you. I heard nothing but the best about you from your previous supervisor. Officially, all the paperwork has gone through for your transfer, but I would like to ask a couple of questions before we get started." 

"Of course, sir. What would you like to know?" One corner of his mouth ticked up slightly for a fraction of a second, and you counted that as a major victory.

"First and foremost, why are you interested in the BAU?" You relaxed slightly; you'd prepared for this question.

"Human behavior is nothing short of fascinating. Everyone is shaped by a unique set of experiences, but at the end of the day, we all behave in documented patterns. Everything matters, because it shapes who we are, but also nothing does, because we all end up in one of a finite number of 'shapes', so to speak. No one is the same, but we all exhibit set behavioral patterns. No matter what someone's gone through, at the end of the day, they are still understandable and predictable. I find that absolutely fascinating, and the work that the BAU does with that is incredible. I want to be a part of it, and I have the skill and drive to do so. After all, the BAU essentially wrote the handbook for Crisis Negotiation."

"That is a very interesting perspective, agent." His face was neutral, but you detected approval in his tone. "I only had one other matter to bring up- I see two different first names in your paperwork, and two of your references refer to you with different pronouns. Which name do you prefer, and what are your pronouns?"

You were floored; you'd never had a supervisor so casually look past paperwork outing you. "Y/N, sir, and he/him/his."

"Wonderful. Well, Y/N, welcome to the BAU. Let's go meet the team, shall we?" You nodded and followed him out his door into the meeting room, where the rest of the team was assembled.

"Everyone, this is Special Agent Y/N L/N. He has just transferred from Crisis Negotiation."

"Oh! New guy! Hi hi hi! I'm Penelope Garcia, just call me Penelope, and I do all the tech-y, research-y stuff." She made her way across the room to you as she spoke, talking with her hands.

"Pleasure to meet you, Penelope! I love the look you're rocking, by the way. Those shoes in particular are magnificent." You knew you were being the gay sterotype that you'd spent your career trying to avoid, but shoes that good could not go uncomplimented.

"Oh my goodness, thank you!" she said to you before stage-whispering to the rest of the team, "I like him! Let's keep him." The team laughed, and you blushed. It seemed that Hotchner had wordlessly passed on the duties of making the introductions to her, because she pointed to the agent closest to her, handsome-guy-with-the-eyebrows from earlier, and continued on. 

"Okay, so, this is Derek Morgan, Emily Prentiss, Jenifer Jareau, but we all call her JJ, David Rossi, and Dr Spencer Reid." They all nodded, smiled, and/or waved slightly when they were introduced, with the exception of Dr Reid, who looked almost like he was looking at a puzzle. You chalked the feeling in your gut it gave you to first-day nerves.

"It's a pleasure to meet you all, and I look forward to getting to know you all better as time goes on." You were addressing everyone, but something about the way Dr. Reid was staring at you made it difficult to look away from him for too long.

"Wonderful! Now, as much as I wish we could all chit-chat and get to know Y/N better, we do have a case. Last night, a body was found in San Francisco's Golden Gate Park."

The case was interesting, twin injustice collectors, one more mission oriented, the other interested almost entirely on experimenting with different forms of torture on the victims. The former, over the weeks between kills, had started dating one of the local detectives, neither of them knowing of the other's involvement in the case. You were there when that information came to light at the killer's arrest, and you were able to diffuse the situation, ensuring that no one was harmed.

On the flight back, Prentiss insisted on the whole team going out for drinks to welcome you to the team. Hotchner declined, because he needed to get back to Jack, and Rossi said he had "plans with Tony Bennett", but everyone else agreed, mostly enthusiastically. It took significant persuasion from JJ to get Reid to agree to go out with you all. For the whole case, he was abrupt and distant with you, despite your best efforts. You knew it was silly, but you really wanted your coworkers to like you, so you decided you were going to do your absolute best to get him to like you by the end of the night.

-

"Hey, doc, first round's on me. What'll it be?" You'd noticed during the case that he shrugged off all of your attempts to start a conversation, but you figured that even he wouldn't ignore you under these circumstances.

"Uh, white wine would be great, thanks."

"White wine? At a dive bar? Does this bar even have white wine?" You'd intended to be charming, but, seriously, white wine? Who was this guy?

He opened his mouth, clearly indignant, but he was interrupted by Morgan chuckling from behind you both.

"That's why we go to this dump, newbie. It's the only bar in the area that serves white wine, which is all Pretty Boy here drinks." He winked at you and playfully elbowed Reid in the ribs.

You threw your hands up in mock surrender and chuckled. "Okay, okay, white wine for the good doctor it is. What's your poison? I'm sure word's gotten around that the first round is on me."

"You know, I might have heard something about that, and I most definitely wouldn't say no to a dirty martini." He winked at you, and your chuckle turned into full-on laughter.

You got the bartender's attention and ordered their drinks and a Jack and Coke for yourself. "It's a damn shame you're straight, Derek. Truly a crime against queer men everywhere, although I'm not so proud I can't admit that I'm a bit glad you're not competition."

"Wait wait wait, how do you know I don't like a little meat on the side?"

"So, sidestepping the fact that not all men have penises and some women do, you are so hetero that it's almost painful. Look around; men of all shapes and sizes outnumber women 2 to 1 at least. But you've spent the whole night making eyes at those women over there." You pointed to a table on the other side of the room. "Plus, I may or may not have received a very detailed string of texts from Penelope that essentially amounted to a crash course on all of y'all. I get a feeling that she might like me a little bit."

"My bad on the meat comment- I'll definitely fix that. And speaking of Penelope being a font of information, she's been uncharacteristically tight-lipped about you. What's your big secret, new guy?"

You raised an eyebrow and sipped your drink. "All you need to know is that Hotch, who strikes me as even more protective of this team than he lets on, which is really saying something, knows, and he cares less than any brass I've ever met. And I know for a fact that if Penelope thought it was concerning, she'd have at least voiced some suspicions about me, if not told you outright. I'm not ashamed of it, it's just none of y'alls business. Anyway, the blonde from the table you were eyeing earlier is coming over to see if we've been flirting this whole time so she knows whether to flirt with you or gush about how she's always wanted a Gay Best Friend oh my god. If I'm still here, it'll be both, and I'm allergic to that particular brand of cishet nonsense. Have fun, good-lookin'." You chuckled and patted him on the shoulder as you left, and out of the corner of your eye, you saw Reid roll his eyes, down his drink, and walk in the other direction. What is his deal? Whatever. I'm not about to let him wet blanket all over tonight. You took out your phone and sent out a couple of quick texts.

[To: Penelope]: Thank you for not outing me. It means the world to me. Let's get brunch sometime?

[To: Nerd <3]: you sure Reid seemed pleasant when he lectured? that has Not been my experience with him so far. you were right about him being Cute cute, though, damn. a Gay could get lost in those big brown eyes, and in different circumstances I'd climb him like a tree. shame he's Like That lmao

Looking up from your phone, you saw Emily and JJ nearby, so you went over to join them. 

"Oh em gee Y/N you're gay? I had, like, no idea! We should, like, totally get brunch and then go shopping! This is gonna be so much fun; I've always wanted a gay best friend!" You rolled your eyes and laughed at Emily's terrible Valley Girl accent. "Unfortunately, I did not spend my time in the closet learning anything about clothes. I only dress halfway decently for work because my friend dragged me to the mall and updated my wardrobe when I applied for this position. It's all xir doing."

"Well, xe has excellent taste." You mentally filed away JJ's effortless use of neopronouns.

"I'll be sure to let xem know! I'm so down for brunch, though." You checked your phone. "Looks like Garcia is too!"

"Damn, you work fast. You'll fit right in here," Emily laughed.

"Honestly, I'm a little bit blown away by how awesome and welcoming you all are. Well, mostly. Is Spencer like this with every new person, or did I somehow do something to offend him?" Emily and JJ shared a look you couldn't quite read before JJ answered.

"Spencer…" she hesitated, "He's going through something right now. I'm sure he'll figure it out soon, and things will smooth out." 

So you waited. Weeks passed, and you fit in well with the team. You ended up getting close to Derek and Penelope in particular, and you kept trying to make nice with Spencer. Weeks of cold shoulder and as few words as possible to you while being his normal, verbose self with everyone else. So, three weeks into your new job, on a night out with Derek and Penelope you made a decision.

"Look. It's been weeks, and the guy still won't say more than 5 words to me. I'm done trying to… I don't know what I was even trying to do," you slurred, you’d probably had one drink too many. "Make a friend, maybe? I don't even know. But I'm done. He wants to give taciturn bordering on rude? Then that's what he'll receive. Let's see how Pretty Boy likes a taste of his own medicine. No more Mister Nice Guy." You wouldn't remember the look they shared until much later.

And so, your silent war with Spencer truly began.

[nerdyqueerandjewish]

I want to ask a question and I hope it doesn’t get taken the wrong way. So please forgive me if I offend you, but can you tell me what made you decide/learn you are trans? Like where did it all begin? I’m just curious because I, someone who is not trans, would like to kind of understand a little more as to what people feel with this sort of thing. You can be as specific or as general as you like obviously. It’s whatever you’re comfortable with. Thanks.

Sure! I feel people tend to assume that trans people “always knew” they were a different gender from a young age, and I didn’t feel that way at all so I like talking about it to challenge those stereotypes.

Tw- gender dysphoria / body talk / dated language, including slurs

Growing up I actually enjoyed being a girl for the most part. I like things that people considered feminine and I even felt sorry for the boys and thinking that I was glad I wasn’t one because they seemed so restricted in how they expressed themselves (didn’t realize at the time that i was actually grateful I didn’t need to deal with the expectations of toxic masculinity). I think as I got older I sort of knew I was “different” because I was bisexual, but I didn’t think about it in a gender way that much. Even though as a teenager I knew trans people existed in an abstract sense, the idea of me being trans wasn’t really on my radar. I do remember sometimes I would just really want facial hair. Like, I thought if I could just be a “bearded lady”, that would be great. I didn’t really think beyond that, I would say it sometimes to friends, like “UGH I’m just so jealous of so-and-so’s beard I know that’s so weird lol (but I guess I’m just weird and quirky like that)!” And in hindsight I’m like Oh that was dysphoria! I was feeling weird about gender but didn’t know what was going on.

When I was in college I got out of my small town bubble and actually was around other out lgbtq+ people, and I think that really allowed me to explore my gender expression more. I said before, I enjoy femininity, and that’s true, but a lot of the looking like what society expected a girl or woman to look like felt like a costume to me. It was enjoyable in the way that dressing in drag can be fun - but it didn’t feel like an authentic expression of myself. Not that like, questioning the sexist expectations society places on women makes people trans, but it felt like, it wasn’t just make-up and woman’s clothes - having a smooth, peach fuzz face felt like drag on me. I had boobs and I thought they looked nice but i felt like they were not an actual part of me and they got to a point where they actively bothered me / made me uncomfortable. My costume wasn’t a bad costume, but having it be my everyday reality was exhausting, and transitioning was a way for me to have a life where I didn’t feel like I was playing dress up all the time.

I identified as genderqueer and nonbinary for a long time because I didn’t know if I was a man or not. I defiantly didn’t identify with the idea of “wanting to be a man” or “wanting to be masculine.” My community was primarily queer women, and a lot of the trans men I knew were butch in the way they presented before they came out so I felt like being a trans man required a certain level of masculine gender presentation. Eventually I just kind of gave up finding a right word for me though and started more thinking like “what would I want to do if nobody was around? If no social pressure existed? Would I want to start testosterone? Would I want to have top surgery?” And the answer to those things ended up being yes. Reading about the trans scene in the 80s - 90s was also really helpful to me because things were a bit less focused on identity labels and more focused on being and doing what is best for yourself personally. Riki Ann Wilkins is an activist and in one of her books she has a quote that’s something like “I’m not invested in identifying as transsexual. I’m invested in being myself and feeling at home in myself, and society has certain words to label and communicate that idea.” And that really helped me start to focus on caring for myself and what I needed instead of trying to find the “right” answer to what I was. It was also reading her books that I found out that there was a subculture of transgender men (identifying as transfags) who rejected a lot of the masculinity that people saw inherent to male-ness and being a trans man and embraced gender nonconformity and their attraction to men. A lot of them also vocal about not wanting bottom surgery. Which, I know these things might not sound out there now, but it was actually pretty radical because adherence to gender roles, heterosexuality, and desire to “”fully”” transition was a requirement to get access to things like hormones and other parts of medical and legal transition. Anyway, I read about their existence and I was like holy shit !!! I can be a man in a gay way ?? And (related to the Rikki Ann Wilkins quote) being trans / being a trans man doesn’t need to be The Perfect Identity Label? It can just communicate some information relevant to my experience ?? Cool I guess I’m a trans man. I still consider myself nonbinary too, because I feel like that also communicates things about my experience with gender. I also feel comfortable using the term genderqueer to describe myself, but I feel like that term isn’t as used as frequently anymore.

I know that was probably long but there were multiple starts and beginnings of things. Gender feelings probably started around me being 15 years old, but I didn’t know they were gender feelings until I was around 19, and I didn’t really get settled in my own identity until I was around 25. So. It’s been a Time lol.

Also I just wanted to add - although I’m sure you get this and it’s just hard to know how to phrase things - there really isn’t a “decision” to be trans / have these feelings or experiences , it’s just what it is. But we do make decisions about what words to use to describe ourselves and decisions about social and medical aspects of transitioning. Some trans folks experience things so strongly that decisions are ones where they needed to pick a certain option. The option of not coming out or not taking certain steps in transitions are just not viable alternatives for them. I personally feel like I could have decided to not do certain things and survived, but my quality of would have been significantly worse and I wouldn’t be honoring my actual Self.

Also I know my experience revolved a lot around my experience relationship to my body, and following that, I know that’s not everyone’s experience. Totally cool to be a trans person who doesn’t experience dysphoria or be someone who really vibes with the newer wave of how we talk about identity, it’s just not me and I can’t speak on that experience 😎

[rittz]

thoughts about being trans, idk where else to put them so here u go

it’s not like i don’t have trans guy friends to talk to about this, it’s just usually in the form of jokes or passing comments rather than an actually serious conversation. also, the transmasc people that i’m closest to identify more with the label “nonbinary” than i do-- it’s not like they couldn’t understand or relate to things i’m saying, but i’m just assuming that they probably don’t feel the exact same way i do

anyway, as a trans person we get often asked “so why do you feel like a [gender]?”, and the answer is usually some variation of “i just feel like it”. this is the most accurate but also vaguest possible answer, so i kinda wanted to break down my personal answer to that question?

basically, i identify as a man because i identify with men. in a general and also personal sense. gender stereotypes are something that trans people by necessity both embrace and reject. i relate to gender stereotypes about men more than those of women-- i’m less outwardly emotional, i like being handy, i don’t like kids, i have questionable personal hygiene, etc-- but obviously these things alone don’t make someone a man. however... you can’t deny that there is some general truth about behavioral differences between men and women (bc of society, not biology). men and women both experience different problems in the world, and each have trouble understanding the experiences and problems of the other. generally, i can relate to the experiences and problems of men more than those of women, even if it seems like i shouldn’t (for example, i am not afraid of walking alone at night, even though i am very tiny).

i, from a young age, have had a constant yearning for more male friends. i would occasionally choose to play video games as a male character. i was upset that i couldn’t be in boy scouts. i have been jealous of my younger brothers being treated by my parents the ways i wished i was treated. when i imagined myself older, i pictured myself less like my mom and more like my dad. when i’m around men, i want them to treat me like one of them. i want to be seen as a man.

and i think that’s what being trans really boils down to. wanting to be seen as someone other than how everyone sees you. wanting what you see on the outside to match how you feel on the inside. this obviously extends to nonbinary individuals, who face their own struggle when it comes to presentation. but at the end of the day, i think that presentation is equally important to gender identity as internal feelings. i mean, i think we’re all familiar with the research proving that transitioning makes trans people happier. surgery is an invasive, expensive, painful process that i DON’T think is necessary for every trans person, and HRT isn’t always easy to get. but changing a name, getting a new haircut, dressing differently, binding, etc. counts as transitioning. you don’t have to hate your body to be trans, but wanting to alter it in order to better connect your internal identity with your presentation, i think is necessary in order to consider yourself to be trans. 

i will admit i am confused by “GNC trans men” i see on tumblr and insta, who use he/him pronouns but exclusively present femininely. i’m not talking about trans guys who don’t yet pass, i mean trans guys who don’t want to. i don’t harbor any ill will, i’m just confused. if i understand being trans to mean “wanting what you see on the outside to match how you feel on the inside”, you can see how. doesn’t that make you feel dysphoric? don’t you want people who see you to read you as male? how is your life different from when you didn’t identify as male but presented the same way? this isn’t me trying to gatekeep on who’s “trans enough”, and especially when it comes to nonbinary identities it’s arbitrary to harp on presentation like this. but like, what’s going on here?

taking a turn here that will come back around, an extremely key component to why i identify as and with men is my sexuality. i have always idolized, envied, and evoked various queer icons from media and real life. the hunky, grunting, macho, hetero version of “man” never appealed to me the way that the fashionable, artsy, flirty, homo version of “man” did. drag queens, my mom’s hairdresser, glam rock stars, i could go on. associating my more feminine qualities with GAY stereotypes instead of FEMALE stereotypes suddenly made more sense, and made me feel less dysphoric. it’s also something that took me a long time to realize, because i had surrounded myself with queers who were mostly attracted to women. transmascs and butch lesbians historically have a lot in common, but personally, i didn’t relate as much to lesbians as i did to drag queens. in dating and loving men, i developed my understanding of them. but my attraction to men was why it had taken me so long to realize i felt more like a man-- i thought i was just some weird straight girl.

now, am i calling these “GNC gay trans men” with long pink hair and poofy skirts and conventionally attractive bisexual boyfriends “weird straight girls”? ...well, not to their faces. but i have to admit that i’m thinking it. these people would never go to a predominantly-male gay bar, these people would never be harassed on the street. i’m not saying i know someone’s identity better than they do, but i don’t agree with the liberal utopian ideal of “let everyone do whatever they want as long as they aren’t hurting anyone” when taken to mean that we can’t question other people’s choices. “why do you feel like a man?” is a question that, coming from another trans person, isn’t inherently transphobic. it’s not “forcing” someone to “prove” their “transness”, no one “owes” me an explanation of their identity. i’m just confused. i don’t disapprove of the way these people live their lives, i just want to know why.

a straight girl being feminine is different from a gay man being feminine, because it has less to do with personality and more to do with society’s historic view of gay men as closer to female than male because of the loving and fucking men aspect. an AMAB gay man wearing makeup and a crop top probably just wants to look good, but he is also signaling to other men that he’s gay via gender non-conformance. by being AFAB and female-passing, wearing makeup and a crop top is not GNC. in fact it’s pretty GC, and gay men will not recognize you as a gay man.

it’s easy to say “gender is fake so do whatever you want”, but like, we have to acknowledge reality. time is a social construct too, but we still use days of the week when talking to each other. strangers will treat you differently depending on what gender they interpret you as. different people will be willing to date you or not. you have to choose which public bathroom to go in. if being misgendered doesn’t bother these people, then who cares? but if it DOES, which it usually does, wouldn’t you want to take steps to prevent being misgendered in the future? if your desire to present femininely is stronger then your desire to be seen as male, then like... why call yourself a male at all? ultimately nothing these people do will really affect me in any way. it just makes me wonder if these people will eventually go on to present as male, or if they will later ID as nonbinary or even cis. i encourage people trying out different labels and exploring their identity, so it’s not like i think these people SHOULDN’T identify as trans guys. it’s more like, i wish they were able to articulate WHY they identify as trans more than “because i said so”. not wanting to be a woman doesn’t automatically make you a man, it just makes you not a woman.

maybe i’m particularly cynical because of the MULTIPLE times that people with larger online followings who identify and present this way have later turned out to be lying, manipulative people. hopefully it goes without saying that i do NOT think that everyone who identifies and presents this way is a toxic liar. the reason i bring it up is because some people genuinely can’t understand the possibility or purpose of misleadingly claiming a marginalized identity, but it can and does happen. an analogy could be made here about white people claiming indigenous heritage. we all WANT to believe what people say about themselves, and asking for “proof” is a social no-no. but we shouldn’t just... automatically trust everything someone says about themselves, right? and as bad as i WANT to live in a world where gender doesn’t matter and everyone default uses neutral pronouns and there are no divisions in clothing stores and bathrooms, we don’t live in that world (yet). when you are AFAB, /extremely/ femininely presenting, and have little to no plans of transitioning, saying “i am a man” will not make other people see you as one. and if you don’t want to be seen as a man, then maybe you aren’t one.

[vocaotome]

Interactive Queer Fantasy Novel Review - Moonrise

A couple months ago I was invited to try out Moonrise, a text based urban fantasy interactive novel by Natalie Cannon. Although I usually stick to visual novels, since I had played and enjoyed other choice of games before, I decided to give Moonrise a try and write a review for it.

While the game had an interesting premise with smooth, enjoyable prose and witty modern humor, my overall experience has been a rather mixed bag, probably because I don’t appear to fall into the specific audience for the game. I’ll give a vague outline of the plot and share my impressions while trying to not give too much away. In order to prevent constantly switching between “the player”/“you”/“us” etc, when referring to the character we are playing I’m going to use “Heather” (a name from the list of choices available, you can also type in whatever you wish) and “she”.

Full review under the cut, or on wordpress if you prefer it instead.

Gameplay

The basic gameplay of Moonrise is the same as most games on the choice of games platform, all text with no graphics and only stat based choices. The game offers the option to choose between she/her and they/them pronouns at the very start, but as per the basic game premise (supernatural celebration of queer femininity), player cannot identify as male in this game so no he/his pronouns. Choosing between cis/trans/other/not saying is also available, though I felt that there was an assumption that the player is not cis or at least is someone who is pretty invested in using specific pronouns (early game it's mentioned that "you" talked to Alice about your pronouns).

While the game description claims that the main character may be asexual and there are dialogue choices which allow you to refuse romantic advances saying you are asexual, I felt that the narration didn’t really reflect that since there were many parts in the common scenes (regardless of route or picked choices) where you express strong attraction towards beautiful women. The 3 love interests were pretty likable and varied in their backstories and personality, although I wish all of them got equal amount of screentime (your roommate inevitably gets more scenes than the otherworldly goddess you meet in the last chapter). You can date just a single person or multiple people at once.

The players also get to choose between being “Fierce” (20% initial boost to Bloodthirst, Uncanny, Defense attributes) or “Civilized” (20% boost to Empathy, Responsibility, Snark attributes). The choices throughout the game either raise these attributes further or improve your relationship with the love interests.

For those who are concerned about homophobia, Moonrise very briefly mentions the existence of homophobic people but for the most part all the characters treat LGBTQA+ people as very normal (example: Heather finds Alice's puppy love for a girl in her class very cute), so no need to worry on that account.

 Plot

The pace of the game is pretty fast right from the start, we begin with “Heather” directly being thrown into a situation where the player has just transformed into a wolf. Another werewolf called “Alice” soon finds us while Heather is confusedly struggling between canine instincts and human reason. I really liked the part where "you" still are convinced that you are a 100% pure wolf and are completely operating under that impression, lol. All the wolf related terms also are rather endearing, time to refer to all my close friends as my packmates <3

At first I was a little bit wary of Alice, who is revealed (within 5 minutes of playing) to be the one to have turned Heather into a werewolf, but she grew on me very quickly, especially with her youthful admiration of Heather and the open vulnerability she shows to us. I’m also grateful to her for helping Heather turn back human, the idea of getting stuck as a wolf forever (which Alice mentioned happening to some people) sounded pretty disturbing. (I did giggle at how Heather was like “bleh, wolves have it better, no student loans”)

Alice returns together with Heather to Heather’s home which she shares with her best friend and roommate Rosario, the first LI we run into. I liked Rosario’s character and sense of humor a lot (random: I bust a lung laughing when the narration mentioned them lightly smelling of weed), though I wish the narration used less jargon when explaining Rosario’s lifestyle as an adventurous and dynamic queer person (this issue popped up a couple of times later in the game too, though not frequently enough to be a deal breaker). The below paragraph made me stare for a solid minute before I managed to comprehend everything.

Rosario is super relieved to see Heather safe and quickly warms up to Alice, and in order to develop a relationship with Rosario (also if you’re interested in building up your empathy stat, very useful for diplomatic options) we must be friendly towards Alice and let her stay in our home. To be honest it's hard to be an asshole to Alice, she’s a cutie. I liked it when Alice was described during this scene to have corkscrew hair and dark skin, yay for varied designs!

Anyway, around this time we learn that Heather is a doctor-in-training working for their residency. I laughed at the part where after picking a choice, the prose apologized to me for doubting that I'd call work to inform my circumstances.This is the point where the free part ends.

Regardless of whether we go to our job, meet our coworkers and interact with patients, or go all SCREW U to your job and hang around in a park (irresponsible, imo, you’ve been missing for a day because of this whole wolf business), you run into the second LI, Chika, a seemingly cold and quiet young doctor who works in the same place as Heather and is actually also a werewolf.

She also seems to have harbored a strong crush on Heather for quite a while, even during routes where I've acted very distant towards her so far she pretty much immediately confesses and we get the option to kiss her. Personally I prefer more buildup in romantic relationships in my stories, but I guess this isn’t surprising considering that we have already spent about 2 chapters on the prologue and this is a short game consisting of only 8 chapters.

The next few chapters are a mix of slice of life situations where Alice, Rosario and Heather blossom into a pretty cute makeshift family, with optional scenes of bonding in wolf form with Alice. Alice also gives us a lot of information about the vampire and werewolf lore of this world, and informs Heather about the 2 opposing factions of the supernatural society: the masquerade, who prefer to keep the human and supernatural worlds separate and operate as an organization under strict rules of secrecy, and the rogues, who prefer a wild and free approach in life and wish to go public about the existence of supernatural creatures.

Not gonna lie, the masquerade sounds amazing on paper, being their part apparently means getting your university tuition paid and guaranteed jobs after graduation, that sounds like a dream lol. However they are a bit to stuck up for Alice’s tastes, especially because of her foster parent who is someone high up in the Masquerade and pretty unpleasant. Rogues sound rather bad at this point since Alice mentions being “hunted” early game and they are supposed to be the ones “after” her.

In Chapter 6 we run into Cassandra, a vampire and the foster parent mentioned above, who pretty much kidnaps us to her place. Over the course of a very tense and threatening conversation, she gives us plenty of reasons to NOT consider signing up for the masquerade, though I think that was the opposite of her intention. The game's description of Cassandra's attitude towards young people like they were "particularly ugly vase that begs to be shattered" sounds so accurate to how some old people act lol. We have to escape Cassandra by choosing either diplomacy or violence, and choosing the wrong option that you don’t have enough attributes for can get you killed.

(Random: Cassandra being portrayed positively in some future scenes after claiming to eat her servants is unnerving. I hope that was a joke ;;;;)

If chapter 6 was the one familiarizing us with the masquerade, chapter 7 is the equivalent part for rogues. We meet up with Chika who is relieved to see Heather safe (even out of her route she acts way too familiar when it comes to physical distance with Heather, her cold queen settings vanish when it involves the person she likes, lol), and reveals herself as the leader of the rogues. We get a bunch of information about the rogues’ motivations and plans, and the misunderstanding that they want to harm Alice is cleared up.  (It’s also possible to get some more explanation earlier in the game if you acted all wolf-y right from the start and went on a solo wandering trip which Chika joins)

After the conversation Chika springs a sudden offer for a date on Heather, which made me giggle during the walkthroughs where I rejected her hard. It was extra funny because we had been talking about serious stuff™ right until that point. It is possible to go on a date with her and have a sexual encounter afterwards. All dates in this game can end in sex, but it is optional.

There is a scene with Rosario where we hang out and have some heart-to-heart talk soon after the encounter with Chika, and this can end up being a date depending on our choices, regardless of whether we are already dating Chika or not. I think there is a malfunctioning romance flag here because Rosario talks as if I’m dating Chika even if I have refrained from ALL romantic choices with Chika.

At the start of chapter 8 we are forced to choose between the masquerade and the rogues, though considering the way the representatives from these groups (Cassandra and Chika) have treated us until this point, choosing the masquerade seems like madness.

~~~~~~~

If we choose the Masquerade, Alice and Heather visit Cassandra again to join the society. We meet people other than Cassandra who thankfully are pleasant enough, and suddenly a masquerade member came to seek Cassandra’s help and we ended up being asked to help perform some ritual to teleport somewhere and rescue/steal Dracula's brides??? What? I was very confused during this part because the story flow suddenly became very fast and I was having difficulty keeping up.

During this mission there is a possible dead end (ironic, the people who we went to rescue end up accidentally killing Heather), but as long as things go smoothly, we encounter Ishara, the last LI who a special werewolf from some other far away place (planet? dimension?) and treated like a goddess by the supernatural community because of her special powers and JAW DROPPING BEAUTY. She likes the way Heather treats her casually unlike everyone else, and there is another sudden date offer.

After the rescuing of Dracula brides, we get a slice of life-ish scene with them, Cassandra, Ishara and Rosario in a coffee shop. This is where we finally get some backstory on Cassandra and learn about some of her positive points, being a lesbian Robin Hood of sorts isn’t something I expected from her XD

Although I don’t think it’s possible to keep your relationship with Chika intact in this path, you can talk with your other 2 love interests about the nature of your relationship (open/closed, romantic/queerplatonic). There was one playthrough when I somehow found Ishara sitting on Heather’s lap and kissing Rosario, wild.

Before the final fight, there is a brief scene where Chika meets up with Heather and is quite heartbroken over her choosing the masquerade. Soon after that the day comes where we face off against the Rogues who have decided on a kill or get killed approach.

~~~~~~~~

If we choose the Rogues instead, there is no falling out with Chika (she’s ecstatic to have Heather join them) and we visit the Rogues’ hangout instead. After some socialization we embark on a journey to find Alice’s biological dad who is a powerful but loner werewolf and a possible valuable ally for our fight against the masquerade. This course of option made a lot more sense to me than the Dracula bride thing in the masquerade route.

We manage to locate the man and he joins our cause (I laughed at Alice and his naked reunion, the side effect of transforming between wolf and human forms), not only because he’s annoyed by the masquerade’s way of doing things but also because he suspects them being involved in the death of Alice’s mother and Alice becoming a werewolf (werewolf genes aren’t hereditary). In the Masquerade route Cassandra claims to not have done it, so I’m curious what exactly happened.

We also run into Ishara while on this mission (I’m curious how she is here instead of wherever she was during the other route, how exactly did the butterfly effect work?), and similar to the Masquerade route, get the chances to flirt with her and go on a date. It was interesting how Ishara sex scene has a little more detail than others, and extra text about being trans if your character is trans too (If you are cis she just mentions it during the date).

After the mission there is a party where we can do a lot of socializing, and similar to the masquerade route, confirm with your love interest(s) about the nature of your relationship. Then once again it is the time for the final fight, only this time it’s the Masquerade attacking us.

~~~~~~

I must admit that I was somewhat disappointed with how brief the final fight was. The few paragraphs leading up to the fight are pretty much the same in the Masquerade and the Rogues version, then we simply get to choose between persuading for peace, fighting to kill or to defend. Every one of these choices only have one paragraph explaining the result. During my first playthrough this caught me by surprise as I was expecting to actually read a tear jerking speech about living together in peace, not just a super concise summary. The epilogue is also basically just that, a sentence each about the final fate of the characters who stayed with you until the end.

 Final thoughts

Writing: The prose is where the game shines. The usage of uncommon (but not unknown) vocabulary in the more metaphorical imagery was lovely.

However, there are places where some unfamiliar LGBT terms or custom pronouns caught me off guard and made me pause to look stuff up. Personally I believe using too many technical terms in stories makes dialogue sound a bit forced and disrupts narration, but thankfully such instances weren’t very common in moonrise.

The humor was great, me frequently laughing over random things while describing the plot should be proof enough of that. The worldbuilding was done with a lot of care and the flow of plot was pretty logical for the most part, but towards the end I couldn't comprehend the logic behind some events and even after multiple playthroughs I haven't found any explanations for a couple of things, like the real mystery surrounding Alice's mother's death.

Characterization: Characterization was good but varying in quantity- Rosario and Alice were pretty well rounded character development wise and I loved their cute family-like interactions. I was all AWWW when Heather called the place with them her home ;v;

Compared to that Chika felt more of an enigma, but her date and the optional running off into the woods scene still gave her some chances to develop (though it mostly confirmed that she was a good person wishing for freedom and we didn’t really learn much about her personal emotions aside from liking Heather). Poor Ishara got even less chances, so all I managed to grasp was her loneliness. All three of the romance interests shared the issue of overly rapid romantic developments though, though in varying extents (repeat: poor Ishara).

Some side characters like Cassandra got detailed backstories, but it’s hard to grow to like her after experiencing ends where we got killed at her hand over something small. Because this story is only available in the masquerade path and there is no foreshadowing about her positive qualities before the route split, a lot of people might simply never play this path.

Player customization: I also wish the game description didn’t imply that the player character can be customized a lot. Considering how it was implied that the player had an abusive family and is trying to become a doctor because she wants to do and be “better’, imo the already present backstory is too defined for story to be immersive. I personally don’t seek to self insert so it’s not a problem for me (I PREFER this to a blank slate), but it may be for others who came into the game with wrong expectations.

One more thing I would like to see implemented in future versions is choosing if I was polyromantic/polysexual or not at the start of the game. Regardless of whether the player has locked into a romance route or not, "you" still keep thirsting after the beautiful possible LIs that cross your path. I found that rather distracting during my first playthrough since I was playing the game while planning to develop a monogamist cis lesbian character and I felt a disconnect whenever it happened.

Ending: Lastly, the ending. I don’t mind the short epilogues, but the description of the “final fight” was simply so short that it felt anticlimactic, so I will just hope that the ending will be more extended with detailed scenes in a later version.

In summary? Good prose, interesting worldbuilding but too-short romance and rushed ending. Worth a read if you like modern fiction with fantasy supernatural elements involving lots of queer characters and aren’t overly critical in your evaluation of the flow and logic in a story. The game is really cheap though, the amount of content you get is definitely worth $1.99, so if the game sounds like your cup of tea go ahead and try it out!

P/S: A short guide on maxing out the relationship points: being nice to the LI is a given, go on dates with them, and pick the following choices which might not seem obvious (I might be missing some choices that seem obvious to me but actually aren’t orz):

Chika: Ask Naoki to move but politely, Hold her hand (during date), Ask to come up for “coffee” (sex/literal coffee), Don’t choose the masquerade (duh)

Rosario: Embrace her, We let her (Alice) live here, Yes, spar without hurting

Ishara: Compliment, Flirt Back

[dorianthey]

debunking jk rowling’s “research” one statement at a time:

note: I will not be looking at JK Rowling’s anecdotes. I’ll only be pointing out flaws in data and retelling of events.

Image: “For people who don’t know: last December I tweeted my support for Maya Forstater, a tax specialist who’d lost her job for what were deemed ‘transphobic’ tweets. She took her case to an employment tribunal, asking the judge to rule on whether a philosophical belief that sex is determined by biology is protected in law. Judge Tayler ruled that it wasn’t.”

- Judge Tayler was asked to rule on whether a philosophical belief that gender is determined by biology is protected in law, not sex. This is why he ruled against Maya Forstater.

- Maya Forstater was a visiting fellow, meaning her placement wasn’t permanent and her contract was renewed on a year-by-year basis. The company she was working for, the Centre for Global Development (CGD), took issue with her insistence, both on Twitter and in real life, that she refer to transwomen as men and they believed she was fostering a hostile work enviroment. At the end of her contract, the CGD chose not to renew it. Judge Tayler made it clear that Maya Forstater retained her right to freedom of speech but that there were no grounds for her to demand that the CGD renew her contract.

Image: “Months later, I compounded my accidental ‘like’ crime by following Magdalen Berns on Twitter. Magdalen was an immensely brave young feminist and lesbian who was dying of an aggressive brain tumour. I followed her because I wanted to contact her directly, which I succeeded in doing. However, as Magdalen was a great believer in the importance of biological sex, and didn’t believe lesbians should be called bigots for not dating trans women with penises, dots were joined in the heads of twitter trans activists, and the level of social media abuse increased.”

- Magdalen Berns wasn’t just a “brave young feminist” who also held strong views on “the importance of biological sex”, that was her whole thing. Her YouTube channel and Twitter were built around attacking transpeople under the guise of feminism. She even called Blaire White a “he”. That’s how far gone she was. She wasn’t your average “gender critical” feminist.

- Fun fact: Magdalen Berns also believed that the trans rights movement in the UK was the product of lobbying by Jewish billionaires, so take that as you will.

Image: “The fourth is where things start to get truly personal. I’m concerned about the huge explosion in young women wishing to transition and also about the increasing numbers who seem to be detransitioning (returning to their original sex), because they regret taking steps that have, in some cases, altered their bodies irrevocably, and taken away their fertility. Some say they decided to transition after realising they were same-sex attracted, and that transitioning was partly driven by homophobia, either in society or in their families.”

- Detransitioners are a miniscule amount of the population. Only 8% of people who identified as trans detransitioned (trans people only make up close to 1% of people so its actually 0.08% of the total population) and only 0.3% do so after surgery.

Image: “Most people probably aren’t aware – I certainly wasn’t, until I started researching this issue properly – that ten years ago, the majority of people wanting to transition to the opposite sex were male. That ratio has now reversed. The UK has experienced a 4400% increase in girls being referred for transitioning treatment. Autistic girls are hugely overrepresented in their numbers.”

- A 4400% increase? It’s almost as if once trans people have access to gender clinics, they’re going to try and transition. Of course there’s been 4400% increase. It was unbelieveably difficult to get referred for trasitioning treatment before. The numbers were next to none. Now that its accessable, people are taking advantage of their resources.

Image: “The same phenomenon has been seen in the US. In 2018,  American physician and researcher Lisa Littman set out to explore it. In an interview, she said: ‘Parents online were describing a very unusual pattern of transgender-identification where multiple friends and even entire friend groups became transgender-identified at the same time. I would have been remiss had I not considered social contagion and peer influences as potential factors.’”

- Woah, it turns out “entire friend groups” were trans??? It’s almost as if people become friends with people who have similar lived experiences to them. You know how so many LGB kid think they’re the only one who isn’t straight in their friendship group, but then it turns out that the majority of their friends were LGB? It’s the same thing.

- Littman’s paper has been widely discredited for poor data. For one, it doesn’t actually survey trans youth, its surveys parents. On top of that, it surveys parents from biased websites with such charming titles as “4thwavenow”, “transgendertrend” and  “youthtranscriticalprofessionals”. Its bad data, plain and simple. She goes on to talk about how Littman was “subjected to a tsunami of abuse and a concerted campaign to discredit both her and her work”. Yeah, that’s because her work was bad. It should be discredited.

Image: “The argument of many current trans activists is that if you don’t let a gender dysphoric teenager transition, they will kill themselves. In an article explaining why he resigned from the Tavistock (an NHS gender clinic in England) psychiatrist Marcus Evans stated that claims that children will kill themselves if not permitted to transition do not ‘align substantially with any robust data or studies in this area. Nor do they align with the cases I have encountered over decades as a psychotherapist.’”

- I like how she doesn’t refer to a study, she just refers to claims a disgraced psychiatrist made.

- Of course, this is just blatantly wrong. Here’s a link to 51 peer reviewed papers that show that gender transition has a positive effect on the wellbeing of trans youth and 4 with mixed or null results: https://whatweknow.inequality.cornell.edu/topics/lgbt-equality/what-does-the-scholarly-research-say-about-the-well-being-of-transgender-people/

- Some studies literally show that parents affirming their child’s gender identity can reduce the chance that they’ll make a suicide attempt in a year from 57% to 4% (http://transpulseproject.ca/wp-content/uploads/2012/10/Impacts-of-Strong-Parental-Support-for-Trans-Youth-vFINAL.pdf). Affirmation and support is so important for keeping trans youth here.

Image: “I want to be very clear here: I know transition will be a solution for some gender dysphoric people, although I’m also aware through extensive research that studies have consistently shown that between 60-90% of gender dysphoric teens will grow out of their dysphoria. Again and again I’ve been told to ‘just meet some trans...”

- The “extensive research” she is referring to is a study that lumped together gender non-conforming (GNC) youth and transgender youth. Wow, cis GNC people exist? Science, you sexy beast, you’ve done it again. Trans people only make up about 1% of the population. Most GNC youth are just going to be GNC, not trans. It all pans out.

- The big study this all stems from also considered all the people who did not respond to the follow-up call (30% of participants) as “desisters”. It’s not good science.

- Something else that I need to say is that not all people who are referred with gender dysphoria in their youth transition then. That’s why puberty blockers exist, so kids can have more time to think about their gender before getting bad dysphoria when they start puberty. Blockers are completely reversible too, by the way. Things start moving again once you stop taking them.

The rest of her piece is largely anecdotal and I will not be “critiquing” her past dealing with abuse and assault. While I can understand people cussing her out on Twitter, I draw the line firmly before trivialising the trauma this woman deals with and thus, I will no longer comment. That being said, keep in mind that not everyone who comments on her anecodotes is attacking her or dismissing her issues.

Here it is. Do what you will :)

[childfreeparentingadventures]

Pregnancy Books Are Full of Shit

When I got pregnant I did what anyone would logically do— I went out and got a bunch of books. I wasn’t all that concerned about not having anyone I could ask personally, I mean, what could be better than published resources written by experts?

And as kindling for a cozy winter fire they were perfect.

Now maybe I’m in the minority here, but I wasn’t looking for advice or anecdotal stories, I was looking for simple medical facts: What to expect during labor, good and bad things to look out for during pregnancy, what foods were dangerous, etc. You know, simple need-to-know things. And sure, that was in there, but it was buried under a mountain of infuriating nonsense.

I was under no illusions that my queer ass would be catered to in any of these books, but the sheer level of heteronormativity made it downright impossible to take anything to heart. There was so fucking much unnecessary gendering and ironclad gender roles it was just plain exclusionary. Some of the books were oh-so-woke and inclusive by jamming a single chapter about lesbian couples somewhere near the appendix and one had a whopping whole paragraph about trans men carrying pregnancies, but those existed as afterthoughts separate from the rest of the rhetoric. It sounded more like I was reading a 1950s women’s magazine than the healthcare book it was supposed to be. One of them even suggested I take my mind off prelabor by baking a cake.

SO INTO THE FIREPLACE THAT FUCKER WENT.

Listen, just because I’m carrying this pregnancy doesn’t mean I use female pronouns. It doesn’t mean I’m going to be the primary parent. It doesn’t mean my partner is an afterthought in this process. It doesn’t mean I want to treat myself to a spa day or a shopping trip with the girls. It doesn’t mean my friends are even girls at all. It DEFINITELY doesn’t mean I want to celebrate the beautiful femininity of my pregnant body. And as I’ve mentioned earlier, it doesn’t mean I need to resign myself to accepting my body will be permanently changed. AND ABOVE ALL, IT DOESN’T MEAN MY MOTHER HAS ANYTHING TO DO WITH MY BODY.

Because as it turns out pregnancy books are disturbingly obsessed with your mother.

Creepily so.

The very first one I opened (which came highly recommended from my healthcare providers and a lot of reviews) started on the very first page by saying how this is the perfect time to talk to your mother, strength your bond, have mother-daughter rites of passage and bonding times, etc, etc, etc.

Newsflash- there are A LOT of mothers that are toxic and abusive and just shitty as fuck and this is the very last time in your life you should be anywhere near them.

There are pregnant individuals with two dads or a single dad or a mother who has passed away. There are pregnant people with mothers who are unstable, unavailable, or not in the picture for any number of reasons and there are pregnant individuals with mothers that SHOULDN’T be in the picture and obsessing over their involvement is downright harmful.

Of all the books I read all of them were wholly and almost Freudianly obsessed with your relationship with your mother, but not one single one even mentioned extending that bonding to your parents. Nope. Dads or other important parental figures just don’t count, I guess.

Am I a little extra triggered by this? Well, yeah. A LOT of my issues around being pregnant stemmed from the trauma my own biological mother inflicted on me and the possible genetic fallout. I got through it, but you know what didn’t fucking help? Being treated like a bad relationship with my mother doomed me to failure. One book even went so far as to state that a bad relationship with my mother put me at higher risk for psychological trauma.

Fuck right the fuck off.

Still, I slogged through it because I needed the bits of medical facts hidden between overly emotional, superfluous paragraphs on how I should be feeling. I diligently read that as a first time parent my labor would probably take around 12 hours, that I would have plenty of time at the onset of my labor to go back to sleep, watch a movie, get my things together, etc. That there are multiple, distinct stages of labor. That the contractions would slowly build in intensity and frequency and to not even go to the hospital or call the midwife until my contractions were consistently one minute in length, four minutes apart, for a full hour or I would be turned away. I was working more than 40 hours a week until the day I went into labor (past my due date, might I add) and was assured I’d have plenty of time to calmly collect my things, contact my partner, and drive myself home.

That was all one big lie, too.

I didn’t slowly ease into labor. I didn’t have stages or time to relax or even send the texts I had planned on. My contractions never even stabilized for an hour at any point. No. My very first contraction came out of nowhere and was already at full length and full strength. I went from casually going about my evening to holding my newborn in four hours. The midwives barely even made it in time and only then because my partner convinced them to come immediately.

It’s an experience I came out of in one piece…ish….and one I’m never going to go through again, but I feel like not talking about how utterly shit and toxic and wrong the entire thing is only lets the problem propagate. There seems to be this cult among parents where sweeping all the traumatic shit under the rug to blather on about how blessed  and all worth it being a parent is and downright lying to drag other people down into their own hell. It’s dated and disgusting and I don’t have fucking time or tolerance for that. Share your stories- your REAL stories- and tell the truth. I wish somebody would have had the guts to do the same for me.

[thinking-upside-down]

Storytime: The Time I Dated A Homo-/Trans-phobic Guy

1.11.19 I’ve been wanting to make this post for a while as a warning and recreational thing. I just want you to know that I am not prejudiced towards right-wing religious individuals, this post is only talking about a bad experience I had with an emotionally abusive, conservative Christian person. I met this guy, who we will call David, in October of 2017, and we became friends. Then he disappeared, and I learned that he had been sent to a mental health facility. We were reunited after a month and started dating two weeks afterward. It was really great for about three months. We had this joke where he had once tried to type “GTA5″, but autocorrect changed it to “GAY5,” so we often joked about it. One day we decided to search it on Google Images, and that was the first time I heard him call gayness disgusting. At the time, I had had feelings for girls before, but I thought it was more of a strong want to befriend them. My sister had recently come out to me as bisexual, and I refused to let him bully her. I also had trans and gay friends in my classes (David and I met in the same school but he had been expelled at this point). Interruption: My sister and I were reading an article last month about fifteen habits of immature people, and he fit thirteen of these. He acted like the most mature person in the world, but the moment someone was unhappy and he didn’t understand, he’d be different. Back to the story. One day, we fought for three hours about LGBTQ+ rights. David didn’t understand; he kept asking why I was such a sinner, why I would choose to go with my LGBTQ+ friends to Hell than go to Heaven and enjoy a happy afterlife with him. He told me that they would all burn for eternity, and he made me say that I wouldn’t ever be gay. Well. Here we are. I am panromantic. He quoted multiple bible verses to try and convince me how wrong LGBTQ+ actions were (heyyyy, has anybody heard Leviticus 18:22 so many times that they have it memorized?). I was not out yet. Eventually, I gave up. Another time, he wanted to talk about our future kids. I physically cringed typing that just now, and I definitely did then too, before I knew I was a boy. He didn’t understand why I didn’t want biological kids and why I supported abortions. He then tried to convince me why abortions were immoral with PragerU videos. Yeah. Actual PragerU. For those of you who don’t know, it stands for Prager University, which is not a university and makes short videos from right-wing Christian/Jewish perspectives. It has videos that explain why fossil fuels are better than cleaner energy sources, how morals can’t exist without Christianity, and how the gender wage gap does not exist. There are a couple ideas that aren’t bad from PragerU, but the speakers all seem judgemental, and it immediately makes me feel not okay with it. My VERY GAY friend who knew him repeatedly told my other friends how awful David was, and I actually defended him a lot. My friends trusted my judgment, but they didn’t want to meet him. No one did. None of my family members or friends liked him. Eventually, it got to the point where we weren’t happy together. He constantly blamed my leftist beliefs and friends’ influence for not agreeing with him. There was one time when I stayed up until midnight crying because he didn’t think women were equal to men and that I had to be put in my place. eXcEpT for someone who is ftm (female to male transgender), being told to “be more feminine” is one of the worst things you can ever hear, and it caused massive depressive episodes and hopelessness for me when I heard it. I’m not feeling good anymore, I’m going to finish this up. We broke up in June 2018, and I stopped talking to him in December. I never told him I was panromantic, ace, agnostic, or trans. But when I was explaining why I was leaving, I was filled with so much clarity and self-love that I didn’t care about him anymore, and I have had freedom since. Unfortunately, my best friend, who is trying to avoid him too, has been listening to David rant about my leaving since then. But it has gotten better. David tried to continue our friendship, but he doesn’t have any way to contact me anymore. I am free, and since then, I have come out to four more people, cut my hair, and started using my real name and pronouns with friends. Losing him has had a massive effect on my transition, and I want to tell you all that by cutting those people out of your life, you can live more authentic to who you really are. It might be hard, and you don’t have to do it right away, but it will get better and easier for you. There is an answer; good luck finding yours. - Thinking_Upside_Down

[thatmathlesbian]

I think when a lot of women say they want to be a guy dating another guy they mean like, they want to be full human people together: they want that place in a narrative. They want to be seen and treated that way and to see and treat themselves that way. And they just aren’t seeing being a woman as having dignity. Now that is a problem but I wouldn’t say it is just coming from within these women. The notion in the first place of women as lesser and less interesting, less human, less complex, less intense, less meaningful… is coming from multiple places in culture and society and people in their lives I would say.

It’s a bad cope for sure especially when: the women doing it don’t notice or accept that’s why they are doing it, and, 2, more than one thing can be going on and they can be doing it for this reason AND be participating in a culture of fetishizing gayness and m/m couples in a dehumanizing way. It sometimes also feels like “paying the dehumanization we feel and experience forward” which is not good. But it does usually give me a start to trying to reason with a woman or girl doing this. I have had friends get into it and time and again I have to get to the root of her insecurity with what it is to be female in this world AND get her to fully see gay men as real, human people whose sexuality is not “nastier (allegedly complimentary)” or “more sexual” than women’s or het couples to get her to completely move on and treat writing and relating m/m as a normal author writing characters different from herself thing and not a fetish, personal sexual interest thing.

tbh this has nothing to do with misogyny

women, especially cishet women for this point, need to understand that being in a mlm relationship is not all sunshine and rainbows as some media shows. it's really similar to how straight women will be like i will become a lesbian as soon as a guy breaks their heart. being in a queer relationship brings hardships and straight women will never get it because they will never go through it. so no, i cannot excuse them that it's due to misogyny because mlm experience other shit that they don't go through

it's really going back to the whole women not treating mlm as human beings and the whole gay best friend thing. they see one cute mlm couple on tv and suddenly they want to be mlm? (obviously not talking about trans people here btw) queer people have been consuming straight media for decades and finally we get something for ourselves and they have to make it about them

and a lot of people talking about this completely ignore how queer women are an issue too. yes, lesbians too.

i get it we don't really get wholesome wlw rep but that doesnt make it okay to obsess over mlm. look at any mlm ship fandom, it's mostly women.

i saw this one tiktok of this gay guy who was talking about how mlm knows when a mlm ship is being queer baited and when not and how most of the popular non canon "queerbaited" mlm ships arent actually. people just dont know how to see a close friendship between two men

it's literal fetishisation of mlm. if a man were to say he wants to be a girl loving a girl everyone would understand the issue immediately, but when it's women doing it everyone runs to defend them

i am not mlm, i am a genderfluid lesbian. i am just forwarding stuff many many many other mlm have said before me but everyone chooses to ignore

just listen to the people that are saying you are offending their group

[oochaycheesstuff]

An Interview with Samantha Baker

Samantha Baker was born and raised in the suburbs of Chicago in 1968. She was the second oldest of four children - two sisters and a brother. In her family home, she lived with her mom, dad, and siblings. She experienced the classic stuff a teen went through in the 80s: embarrassment, disgust, first love, as well as boys being very forward and not being able to take a hint. Today, Baker lives her life as a loving mother, wife, and health teacher at her local high school. We sat down with her recently to catch up with her and see where she is now in 2021, as well as have her speak on some of her experiences growing up as a teenage girl in the 80s when it came to boys and how she feels about those experiences now.

Hello, Ms. Baker. Thank you for taking time out of your schedule and doing this interview with me.

SB: It’s no problem at all. Thank you for having me.

So, it has been almost 40 years since you graduated high school. That’s a pretty significant anniversary. Is there any time during your high school years that sticks out to you the most or that you remember the most fondly?

SB: A time during high school that I remember the most? Hmm… the number one thing that comes to mind is my sixteenth birthday. My sixteenth birthday was something I had been looking forward to since I was twelve years old. I had it all planned out: a big party with tons of people, a boyfriend, a brand new black Trans Am waiting for me in the driveway. That birthday is one I will never be able to forget, which is funny because all of my family actually forgot it was my birthday on the day of my birthday. I couldn’t believe it. I spent that entire day waiting for any of them to acknowledge me and wish me well, sing to me, anything! But I didn’t get a single thing! It was right around the time my older sister was getting married and everyone was so focused on her that they completely forgot about me. In fact, the only surprises I got that day were my grandparents asking me invasive questions and their Chinese exchange student that I didn’t know about popping up in my room. It completely freaked me out! There was a school dance that night at the school gym and they actually made me bring him along with me. During that time I had a huge crush on this senior named Jake Ryan. He was the main thing that I wanted, but he was already dating this other popular girl, Caroline, who was gorgeous, and blonde, and perfect. I thought I didn’t stand a chance. Well anyway, fast forward to the school dance, I’m watching Jake and Caroline slow dancing. I felt horrible. But then all of a sudden he looks at me, looks away, and then looks back again. It completely took me by surprise and I had to turn away. When I turned around this nerdy kid was right in my face and started making moves on me. It terrified me. He grabbed me and started dancing with me… well… more like dancing around me. He kept touching me and speaking really creepily in my ear. I was not having a good time.

Oh God, that does not sound pleasant at all.

SB: It was embarrassing! When he was too preoccupied with his dancing and wasn’t paying attention to me, I ran out of the gym as fast as I could. Once I got into the hallway, I remember sliding down the wall and crying. I was pretty dramatic back then, but I mean, what teenager isn’t? I saw the guy I had a huge crush on dancing with his girlfriend that I felt completely inferior to and this nerdy kid wouldn’t leave me alone. Anyway, I cleaned myself up and made my way back into the gym to where my friends were and this kid came up to me again! My friends kinda messed with him to the point where he started looking away and rambling, which I took as a time to escape from him… again. I made my way to the auto shop so I could be by myself and he somehow found me AGAIN! He was really relentless.

That sounds like a nightmare. Did you ever figure out a way that made him leave you alone?

SB: Kind of. I was sitting in this car that was missing it’s entire back half when he found me. For whatever reason, which I’m still not sure the reason behind, I unlocked the door for him and let him sit next to me. He makes a comment on how great the night is and I explain to him that it’s my birthday, and eventually find myself going on a rant about how the day did not live up to my expectations whatsoever. I think he started to feel bad and decided to cheer me up by telling me a secret of his. He told me that he had never actually been able to get a girl. Shocking isn’t it? Anyway, he made a comment I can’t quite remember but whatever it was it made me burst out laughing. I guess I made him feel bad and apologized. I guess he took that as a sign to make another move on me. He started to climb on top of me, bumping the car horn, and I had to yell at him and push him off of me. He sat back down and looked upset. I told him not to worry about it, and he took that as a sign AGAIN to get on top of me, which resulted in me reacting the same way as before. I pushed him off and scolded him again. Somehow we were able to get to having a normal conversation about my own nonexistent love life and I told him how I was saving myself for someone in particular, Jake. To my surprise he told me that Jake had asked him about me! I’m sure you can imagine how excited I was about that. He kind of hypes me up and convinces me to find Jake and talk to him. I don’t know how I was able to turn my night around with this kid but somehow it ended up working in my favor. I’ve been going on and on about this night, so to make a long story a bit shorter, I’ll just say that on my sixteenth birthday my family forgot my birthday, but I ended up knowing my crush might like me back and ended up giving my underwear to the creepy kid so that he could prove a point to his friends. And that’s all I’ll say about that.

Woah. That’s a big turn around from where the night started with you two. When telling that story, you mentioned multiple times how the kid kept making advances towards you when you repeatedly would reject him. That is something that a lot of people, especially young girls and women, experience many times throughout life. What do you think is the reason behind why he wouldn’t stop making those advances on you when you repeatedly showed no interest?

SB: Obviously I cannot speak for him specifically, but I think there were a few factors that played into why he and other boys and men that act this way do what they do. I believe that the movies and shows kids are exposed to play a major part in what they deem right or wrong. You know, this was the ‘80s. There were so many movies being made at that time that had so many questionable and distasteful messages that downplayed or completely disregarded how unacceptable behavior like that is. I turned sixteen in 1984, which is the same year movies like Revenge Of The Nerds came out. At the time, movies were being created that didn’t reprimand the behavior of men and boys that behaved in the manner of the characters in those movies. The characters were always seen as the hero of the movie, despite them doing horrible things. I think because of that, a lot of boys and men believed that it was acceptable to act like that, when it’s most certainly not okay.

Being in a high school setting in today’s world must be very different to how it used to be when you were in high school. More people are being vocal about social issues and movements like #MeToo are making themselves more prevalent. Do you actively talk about those topics in your classes and if so, how are the topics handled?

SB: We absolutely talk about current events in my classes. Being a health teacher, it would be irresponsible to not cover issues like sexual assault and harassment along with the rest of my curriculum. Typically in my classes I will bring up a topic one day, ask my students what they know about the topic, sometimes watch a clip from a show or movie that touches on the subject and always have a discussion afterwards. I might show clips from movies like Animal House (1978), for example, that show acts that are inexcusable and should never be done. It allows for there to be a visual example of the issue at hand and makes it easier to ease into the topic for my students. I will sometimes also show clips from shows like I May Destroy You (2020), to show how different victims might handle or cope with these situations. I try to allow my kids to have access to all the information they need when it comes to serious and sensitive topics such as this.

You mentioned Revenge Of The Nerds and Animal House, two movies that are now looked down upon for some of their questionable plot lines and scenes. Nowadays these movies would be what some might consider “canceled”. What are your thoughts on Cancel Culture and do you also discuss it with your students?

SB: Cancel Culture is a big topic these days. As someone who grew up when the movies mentioned were coming out, there were a lot of things that society was okay with then that are now seen as offensive or insensitive. I think Cancel Culture is a difficult subject, especially when it comes to things that were created or stated during a time when certain topics and actions were deemed acceptable. I believe we should acknowledge the bad and harmful elements of the past and use them as examples of what not to do in the future. There are certain things I have said or acted on that I now know are not correct, and I feel that we should treat the media the same. No one’s perfect, that’s a fact, but it’s important to speak on issues that can cause other people emotional and/or physical pain. These issues should not be taken lightly.

[radkindoffeminist]

I'm super clueless about radical feminism (meh about liberal feminism too, I just live my life tbh) but the recent events has led me to wanting to read the Handmaid's Tale. You see, in the school I attend, a lot of people have been talking about it (because abortion debates - the male teachers are hot on it) which led me to want to check it out. I have anxiety, so the plan was to go to the library with my best friend and get a copy of the book.

However, she discouraged me from getting the book, which led to a heated argument because once I'm interested in something, I NEED to know about it. Essentially, she told me a lot about TERFs and how they promoted an 'unhealthy feminism' that targets cis/trans woman and hurts good men — but it was spoken in such a condescending, 'wow, you really know nothing, do you?' tone that it left a bitter taste in my mouth, you know, trauma and all.

For now, I've blocked her and decided I was going to go at it alone, so do you know any reliable websites for an e-book? I had a bad experience with sketchy websites before, so I'm being cautious here. I want to be able to participate in the debates but I need to read up first.

PS: She did show some receipts, which seemed to prove her right though, perhaps you can enlighten me in regards to the men part, but also generally.

I mean, radical feminists hate all men. I honestly don’t believe that there are any truly good men out there and if they are then they’re few and far between. If they’re not rapists, they don’t see anything wrong with rapists and victim blame. If they’re not abusers, then they’re using weaponised incompetence. If they’re not raging misogynists, then they’re refusing to recognise that they are privileged because they’re men and that this has affected multiple aspects of their lives. We’re not quiet about the fact that we hate all men. All of them. Even the ‘good’ ones, especially as they’re often just putting on a show and they’re actually misogynistic. Like, I remember there being one dude on TikTok who was good at recognising misogyny and did a lot for Native American people and then it came out that he was dating and sleeping with multiple women while they were lead to believe that they were in an exclusive relationship. There was another who put up basic feminist arguments which people thought were amazing and then it came out that he was lovebombing underage/just legal women (despite having multiple posts about how creepy and paedophilic it was when men did that) and that he was stealing posts almost word for word from feminists on Twitter and Insta and not giving them any credit (which was basically the reason I blocked him in the first place -every take he had was something I’d already seen somewhere on Radblr but everyone acted like it was groundbreaking somehow). And these are the ones who are supposed to be feminist allies! And people expect me to trust the average man?

Anyway, I don’t know any links to it myself though I imagine that someone else will have one somewhere. I know it got hated because the author has apparently said some transphobic shit and because it focuses on the oppression of women on the basis of our sex and therefore it’s inherently TERFy, because even in these times where women are having their sex-based rights stripped from them, we’re not allowed to recognise that our sex is oppressed. Also, seen lots of people call it out for focusing on white women using the historic oppression of black women (guessing that’s linked to the sex slavery part especially) which I personally think is just ignorant to the fact that there are so many women of all races and classes who are forced or coerced into having children and reproductive control/abusive is massive so even if we haven’t all experienced it in the same way due to the intersections of different oppression, it doesn’t make our sex-based oppression any less valid.

[solitarykairos]

On Preferences and Transphobia

What I did: I wrote a small post about how while preferences aren’t inherently transphobic, it is transphobic to refuse to date someone purely because they are transgender.

What happened: a bunch of gross TERF blogs reblogged the post and added some lovely transphobic comments.

Why? I don’t know. Maybe they were just feeling salty today.

I blocked the TERFs (because first and foremost, I have to take care of my mental health and I would rather not engage in that kind of discourse right now) and deleted their comments on the original post. One of the TERFs left a long list of things that they were salty about on my post. Ironically, the comment was longer than the original post. Funny how that works.

So here’s some thoughts on that list, kids:

1. You’re correct, sexual orientations are not preferences. I could have worded that better, and I apologize. While preferences was not the correct word, what I meant was simply that some people have certain genitals that they would prefer not to interact with. As a lesbian, you would likely not want to have sex with someone who had a penis.

And, small caveat, if you did, that’s totally fine, too! Because sexuality is a fluid thing, and there are women who don’t have vaginas. There are *gasp* trans women! I know that sounds terrifying to you, but honey, trans women are women. It doesn’t matter what they have in their pants, they’re women, and if you sleep with a trans woman or date a trans woman, you’re still a lesbian, don’t you worry. You’re still valid, because, again, trans women are women. So off the bat, get used to the fact that in the year of our lord twentygayteen, we support all women.

2. Yes, gay men are attracted to the same sex. They are also attracted to the same gender, because sex and gender are different things. In my original post, I stated an example. Let me explain that a little further, because I don’t think you understood it. Let’s say there’s a gay man, and let’s call him Andy. Let’s say I told Andy I was AFAB, or assigned female at birth, and had not had any trans affirming surgeries. I would be absolutely okay if Andy told me he didn’t want to sleep with me. He knows the specific details of my situation. He took the time to ask and be fully informed before declining. We go our separate ways, and stay close friends because hey, Andy’s awesome. And, yes, this is a true story! Sometimes, in the real world, people are adults and respect other people enough to be affirming of their identities. And Andy is a feminist, but he’s no TERF.

However, let’s say that this gay man tells everyone that he would never date anyone who is transgender. Blanket statement. Boo, Andy. I know, in the original post, you took offense to my talk of genitalia. I’m sorry that bothered you so much, but in the real world with real adults, you have to talk about that kind of stuff, because it’s important to know your partner well if you’re planning to sleep with them. So Andy decides he’s never going to date anyone who’s trans. Andy doesn’t understand that there’s a wide range of genitalia in the trans community. There are trans men who’ve had every surgery imaginable, and have fully transitioned to the point where you couldn’t tell (and don’t come up in here saying that you can “always tell”, because I, a trans person who is well acquainted with all sorts of genitalia and all sorts of transgender surgeries and such, slept with a transgender man a couple weeks ago and I did. not. know. until after the fact.)

Later in your reply, you called this incel logic, which, ew. Can we not compare a young trans person’s logic to the logic of a group of generally homophobic rape-apologizers? But I digress. I’m not saying that a gay man should absolutely have to sleep with every trans person he comes across or he’s transphobic. I’m saying that, if this gay man says that he won’t sleep with anyone who’s trans JUST BECAUSE they are trans? That’s transphobic. You don’t know what genitals someone has, and assuming that every single trans man has a vagina is a bad game. I’m absolutely not saying that anyone should force themselves to have sex with someone they don’t want to have sex with, because they shouldn’t. I’m saying that trans women are women, trans men are men, and you need all the information of the situation before automatically assuming that because they’re transgender, you won’t be attracted to them.

Here’s another example, just in case that one was also a little too hard for you to understand. I have another gay male friend, we’ll call him Stanley. Stanley likes to sleep around, and he’s good at it. Stanley recently slept with a trans man, and he didn’t like it as much because the trans man had not had surgery. I asked him if he would continue to sleep with trans men after the experience, and he said yes, but he would have a conversation with them beforehand about sex, genitalia, and STI protection, because that would help him decide better whether he and his partner would have a good, safe, enjoyable time. Stanley, a gay man, knows that trans men are men. Stanley also knows that genitalia come in many shapes, sizes, and variations, and understands that while he’s not attracted to vaginas, not. every. trans. man. has. a. vagina. And therefore, Stanley knows that he shouldn’t exclude trans men as an entire group.

3. This may be a revolutionary thought, but if you’re a gay man and you date a woman, you might not be gay. If you’re a lesbian and you date a man, you might not be a lesbian. And, because trans women are women and trans men are, in fact, men, guess what?

I’ll let you draw your own conclusions.

4. Sure. You can call me obsessed with genitals. That’s fine. As a trans person, I am obsessed with genitals. Wanna know why? Because I care about the people that I choose to have sex with. I care about informing them what they’re getting. I care about them informing me what I’m getting. If we don’t talk about genitals, if we don’t talk about sex, if we don’t talk about STIs and safe practices and contraception, someone’s going to end up getting hurt. And nope. Again, not incel logic. I’m not saying that anyone has to give me a chance in bed because I’m trans. I’m saying that if a person says that they won’t have sex with anyone who’s trans, that is a transphobic comment. Because, as we’ve already gone over multiple times, not every trans person has the same genitalia, or the genitalia you expect us to have.

Also, for the other TERF who commented that I’m probably a virgin-first of all, there’s nothing wrong with being a virgin, dude. Get off your old fashioned horse drawn carriage and stop shaming people who haven’t had sex. Secondly, I’ve done and continue to do sex work, so of all people, I’m pretty sure I know what I’m talking about when it comes to sex and genitalia.

5. Pump the brakes, buddy. If I were a less nice person, this is where I’d get mean. I am not a woman. I am a transmasculine person. My pronouns are not ““new””, they’re the pronouns that fit me the best. On that note, I’m not heterosexual either. I’m bisexual. I like men and women.

And you wanna talk about gay men and conversion therapy? You wanna talk about how you somehow think that, because I’m not a gay man or a lesbian woman, because I exist somewhere else on the queer spectrum, that I haven’t faced discrimination? Not that being gay should ever be a fucking discrimination marathon, but I’ve fucking been in shitty situations because of my queerness. When I came out to my parents, they told me not to come home again. I was homeless for a period of time this summer and was blessed enough to sleep on a friend’s couch. I’ve been yelled at, I’ve had people ask me what went wrong in my childhood, I’ve had letters written to the president of my university asking why I’m leading a group that makes being queer seem like an okay thing.

The last line of your post really tells me what I need to know, though. “shut the fuck up bc nobody asked you”. You’re right. You’re right, nobody asked me. Nobody asked Marsha P. Johnson. Nobody asked Harvey Milk. Nobody asked any of the other countless people who’ve given their entire lives over to make sure that people like us have the ability to walk the streets without fear. Nobody asked them, and yet? They spoke up anyways.

If you think that I’m going to shut my mouth and live in shame because people like you don’t like the fact that I, a transgender person, can live openly and with pride now, you’ve got another thing coming.

You’re right, nobody asked me. That’s exactly why I’m still talking.

[misterbitches]

@flootweed ​

ATOTS

That's super fucking romantic? Like tragic but in a nice way. i love that shit. i'm a monogamous slut for romance pghiosuag even tho we have to learn to live alone too but it's just like the NOTION is nice?!??! awwww i told my mom that SOPHIE's gf was like "she died taking a picture of the moon" and how it was like idk. the gf was just processing it and she thought it was romantic and my mom was like "wow.....depressing" bc think she thought it was stupid millenial shit i was like no mother doent u see she died in the BEAUTY LMAO but then i told her jessica walter's husband died the year before and then she died and she was like "aw...kind of romantic" LMAOOOO i guess two people have to die. why did i tell this story? i am so sorry. the show ended today right (ep 10?) i didn't realize it was that short. so i hope it was a happy ending? (tell me) i understand why you love the atmos! it's like, not really been done. there's this BL that i hear isn't too great but it does take place in a rural part of thailand and there's way less budget. a lot of ppl seem to like it. ep 6 LW / LW in gen gotta be honest, rushed through it. i knew spoilers from jump cause BL spoilers are just absolutely nothing and sometimes ur just like i need to know. i do not understand the ~silently lookin 4 u~ trope it always backfires and is also DUMB. so happy about tiffy. a girl who likes girls but ends up with a man bc of mommy and also the man is ok....it's me. she's gorgeous and actually [h*lf] gay so it's great. god ok i feel so old again. lmaooo but i was like obsessed with lady gaga for that reason (dont ask...also how i got kinda popular on tumblr way back in the day) and shes just absolutely fucking beautiful and bad ass. (which kind of doesnt helpcos they r all skinnty but that's FINEEEE) right? i mean like i guess cos we knew abt it? i can see why he was so pissed off, too? i mean i'm so fucking like...sensitive to being told what to do so i was angry for him from jump. i guess i was also looking at it different wholetime cos i knew the spoilers? i'm assuming u did too lmao. so we knew hed be pissed and leave. and frankly that's what sib gets. just for you my friend i will watch it and update. i think MANY times in shows in gen but it is something you notice a lot in BL bc they are just absolute novices most times. in this case, gene's actor mostly well (and i like him as a person just cos he was on that thai 3 girls in a car show and used to date on eof them lmao) can act so i will look over that scene to see how sib's actor plays off him. but the pausing in between sentences or for so long even decent actors or actors doing better. kao is not bad, not great so they will talk slowly because dramatic acting but the problem is most times it's too long. even if the person is an adept actor it won't always work and YES THEN THAT MEANS THE EDITOR COMES IN AND SNIP SNIP SNIP! it's too long. and sometimes it just does not work even if you can act. but it is GLARING when they cant or are average (someoe said this about tharntype and my god lmao tharn..is...so...slow...in...talking...the actor idk his name it's one of em, the other one with the nose (type) is....different not better but he certainly does not talk as slow. they arent bad but they are not good so.) also sometimes they are forgetting their lines. some ppl find this charming. clearly we do not lmao. what is their relation? what is going on there? i don't have a problem with stepbrothers as long as they didn't grow up with that sibling bond. many times blended families really have to watch out for that kind of fraternizing but it's always when theyre older and teenagers bc they didnt grow up w/ each other....i mean they have chemistry so i'm whatever. but. hennYYWAYYYS.actually it's bc im an idiot i didn't read it as Mhok (singular) and aey's father. Yes and his sister who i think i may hate? im like bitch okkkkkk but. his name is lhong. and he is a psycho. i mean so is type. so. oooh it could be that he stole! but also i'm pretty sure cos hes gay lol or did they

not make that explicit? the thing is i had to skip through most of that scene too because the drama was WAY too much for me. too much. lmao. the sister thing i got and it made sense and iliked that. oh yea he is gay and they know. that's a big one.

WBL

haven’t watched color rush! did you like it? i have seen wyel, parts of mr heart, and ofc to my star :) 

ohhhhhh ok. i get you. yea he definitely wasn’t being ooc cos i think that....what u said. and also like....ugh i cant even think rn. i like sam lin a lot so i like gao shi de but i gotta say. lmao. hm. first of all. yes it is creepy what he did. it’s fucking weird. and sad that his whole life revolves around him. it’s not as fucking weird as LW but still like when he did the door thing. i was like UMMMMMMMMM cos i really didnt want it to be constructed. and when it was i was like imma suspend my disbelief. but if anyone dared...

and so what he did in s2 i think he just couldnt realize that he was loved back which is why it’s good he WAS ALONE for 5 yrs imo. but he gave shu yi 0 choice and for that i am pretty sure i would be even angrier. i do think though that the father’s role is pretty important but i can see how the show is like....letting that go? bc as fucking weird as GSD is, he was still like...20? i guess and shu yi’s dad is like. crazy? i am also like he really had to fucking start a company to get noticed like are u joking? is it also that easy? and also why? lmao i just. ugh. i think that probs bothered me the most...priorities.

i like the show! well idk if i love it but sure. i think it’s decent lmao. i understand what you’re saying. for here it bothers me less but i certainly don’t think it was OOC. immature and stupid but like...that’s.....what they are. i also don’t have a problm with the timing from a technical point.

however, when i started the show? i had NO clue what concept of time it was. and that was very annoying. tehy redeemed it bc of the comedy aspects (the first time shu yi sees shi de is so fucking good, i really loved the shot and editing; it’s hilarious and silly) and i started to go with the flow of the show through that. but the fucking concept of time in the show in general esp with repetitive outfits (i understand that they are more likely to wear multiple outfits as well, it’s just that you have to split it up or it i sconfusing visually and looks like the same scene twice or just a full day of shooting which it could be but then something should change in the clothes. this is just an ex~~*~*) and partof that is they have this already controlled narrative i guess. 

i have to admit as well...i skipped episode 1. and most of 2. i was like i rly dont want to see someone slap a pereson even if they were like. not together. it’s just not cute also not in front of ppl. and then when they were yelling and bla bla i was like listen ladies lets calm down. too much angst in a boring way. what they have now is good. also they should probably like estrange the father but i doubt they will. 

i cannot make up my mind totally now bc i see what ur saying i guess i just don’t feel that way as much but i guess i have to think about it more, too. i do think he was contorlling in getting him or like when he didnt want shu yi to find out whwatshisface liked him. i guess for me it would be if he is still that way in the rship. but even tho he’s at fault for what happened, i’m also like but his dad? but also like...did he try? why did he just stop contacting? but then i guess he emailed everyday? DO U C MY QUANDARY.

alsoi have to say i do not care abt their backdoor being opened lmao like wow business? no thanks

LMAO. did they cry a lot in UWMA? i only know the teamwin parts. which one is fluke the really pale one who died? idk what it is about that kid but i just cant watch him. it’s not his fault it’s mine.

DUDE i still dont understand the husband and wife thing and ive looked into it multiple times. ive kinda just classified it as one of those things that make me uncomfortable but arent problematic lol. it you have any insight about it id love to hear it tho !!

it’s stupid. that’s what it is (husband and wife.) it’s just something they say like many gay couples may use pejoratives in conjunction with them, the f word etc. or even imply something about being a top and a bottom. whatever. but these arent gay spaces or gay storylines. sure gay men may direct them but since BL operates and relies on patriarchy without a doubt and also stereotypes poorly kathoeys or won’t cast trans women in anything substantial and use them as jokes (and see this is one of those things where it’s like...ud never see this in the US tho like our concept of third gender or kathoeys but life stillBOOOOO.) so it’s just useless when they put it into the scripts because it’s for people to consume and lots of girls are. obviously. so the idea that if you are being penetrated and u r the wife and this is used like literally anywhere but not from gay or whatever men is gross. are cis women’s vaginas sieves to them? are trans women not women? do we have to categorize people by PHALLIC OBJECTS IN OUR BODIES SPECIFICALLY A WOMAN? it dont make no sense. plus really most ppl just experiment, there’s more ways than one to have sex, we have lives so most times it’s not just full penetration for hours anyway. it’s just so gross. like oh that’s really funny lol ur the wife cos his dick goes in ur butt XD i get it, same. i say “i’m wife’ whenever there’s a penis in me. fucking kill me. it’s not a big deal but it’s just dumb and gross. if they use it they could try and subvert it too like i like how my engineer has  a whole absurdly stupid episode about it. but in TT the dad says “if ur the wife i wont accept it” and i was like u know what gals? im good. goodbye.

pgojaihousgajigko THAT’S SOOOOOOO OOWIEOFUGHOIJ WEIRD. FANDOM IS REALLY WEIRD. i have read rpf and written it once upon a time but dont do it anymore  uch. i mean it’s weird. no doubt about that. invasive, weird, strange. but very unreal anyway. it is. plus i dont like celebs or fame and think of it as a gross capitalist scheme so i had to stop (also so weird?) but i know very many people like lean in. lean in. LEAN IN. this youtuber i watch did a video on like insanely popular ships (like that 1d one) and their insane fandoms and i just couldnt. it’s so embarrassing? and then they’re so bold????? about it? 

yea it would be cool (more queer men or visibly we should say or like out whatever.) but it doesnt necessarily mean that will be good or beneficial i guess? i mean like. i dont know. so much about the genre is about wish fulfilment for young girls. its literally selling some fantasies because the other thing is for BL (i read a paper on this...) esp for girls in more conservative societies they cna maybe replace themselves in the character? but they may not feel a threat as a woman or like their life will fall apart if they engage in sexual things with anyone really. and that’s where i’m like....for a lot of these are they just writing a story and just replacing two men? bc they also seem to think it owrks like that. and in a way that’s what it is bc of the writing and how they use certain terms. you can tell the piece is about pushing a product and less about the real affects of a story. i think ITSAY is a great example of a really intelligent great piece of work that contains multitudes. and the girl was amazing. it just depends on the goal. and for most of the ppl the goal isnt...to do anything. so i dont know. idk how to talk abt representation anymore. it both is and isnt.

 i really liked tingting from my engineer a lot (idk if u have seen) she’s so fun and unapologetic. i love how much she drinks and if someone tells her to be ladylike she says no. and i appreciate that in the show when girls were rude to her she said nothing about the girls but said “NO IM NOT LUCKY TO HAVE ALL MALE FRIENDS?” i really want to see her more in the next season. obviously tiffy is goat. super excited to see how their rship develops.

[transfeminformative]

hiii i am a young cis lesbian starting to date a closeted trans girl who i reallyyy like.... what do i say to people who are telling me i'm not really a lesbian for liking her when she doesn't "look like a girl"? this understandably upsets her a lot and i've been trying to find a way to shut it down quickly so she doesn't feel so insecure

Well, there’s a lot of contextual nuance to this sort of thing. 

Here’s how to approach the situation if the person is a stranger or someone offering unsolicited comments in public:

I think it would be best to discuss with your girlfriend what responses and actions she’s comfortable with in different situations. This way, you can both know how you’re going to try to respond to harassment and both of you have an agreed-upon response. I think that when random people say that stuff like “she doesn't look like a girl” it’s ok to say “well, she IS a girl!” because that’s definitive and doesn’t leave the matter open for discussion. But if you go in the direction of “but she looks like a girl to ME!” then that presents the matter as having multiple interpretations and they might be more convinced to pursue the matter further. Though, again, your girlfriend might have specific ideas of how she would like you to handle it. It’s good to talk it over with her, because ultimately she’s the one being directly targeted and harassment can be traumatic for her. 

People who harass you or your girlfriend because she is transgender generally can’t be convinced of her womanhood or made to change their mind through discussion or argument. Trying to argue with them might be dangerous for you and your girlfriend because there’s no telling when people might escalate their transmisogynistic harassment to outright violence. 

When you’re facing this kind of harassment, depending on the situation it may even be best simply to not address what they’ve said, rather to tell them to be respectful, to shut up, to leave her and you alone; whatever makes sense for the situation. Generally, you’re gonna have to judge what the best safety procedures are in each different situation. Above all, focus on de-escalation of the situation and try and get both of you out of the dangerous situation ASAP. There have been times where I’ve had to leave an event, change my plans, take an alternate route, find a totally unoccupied public restroom, etc. because of harassment, or the risk of harassment. 

Here’s how to approach the situation if the person is a classmate, family, or someone you know: 

When it comes to people you are personally acquainted with disrespecting you and your girlfriend, it’s a hard path to walk. People grow up with a lot of very bad views on trans women ingrained in their minds that they already have assumed as truth any time they see or hear about a trans girl. 

Again, I would advise privately talking with your girlfriend and figuring out what kind of things are ok to say about her when other people ask about her and talk about her. Different people will have different comfort levels, and the reality is if you say the wrong thing to the wrong person you could hurt her feelings. I’m not saying that’s guaranteed or anything, but it’s a type of consideration that, in a way, everyone should make for their partner. 

Your friends, family, and classmates may not have heard of or even met a trans girl before, so you might have to do a lot of explaining. 

I think one of the most fundamental ideas to get across to cis people, is that the only way they can behave towards you and your girlfriend without being deeply hurtful is to consistently refer to her as a girl, use her correct pronouns, and accept that you are a lesbian without interrogating you about it. 

In my opinion this is basically what cis people have to learn first, before they even understand that yes, she is truly a girl, and yes, you are truly a lesbian. They may not even realize that the things that they are saying are deeply hurtful, so that is something they have to learn. 

Additionally, I think it’s good to point out to people that it’s hurtful to your gf to publicly debate her gender, its hurtful to you to publicly debate your sexual orientation, and it’s always, always hurtful to say that someone “doesn’t look like a girl.”

After all, everyone deserves to have their gender respected regardless of what they wear or what they look like. Butch women are still women, trans women are still women, gay men are still men, trans men are still men. Heck, if you wear a spacesuit and absolutely none of your body shape is visible whatsoever, your gender remains the same and your pronouns remain the same. 

Well, that’s my two cents. Sorry it took so long for me to respond.Uh, I guess here at the end I’ll clarify that... this is all just my personal opinion, based on my personal experience as a lesbian trans woman, and if anyone else has something else to add, feel free to do so. 

If anyone wants to respond anonymously, or needs any advice about transfeminine topics, my askbox is open.