#talking doesnt feel natural. the entire connection thing feels fake

[kutyaharapas]

there is always such a difference in feeling when im surrounded by people and when im surrounded by animals and nature

[somnilogical]

modular "ethics":

a wrong and two rights make a right

<<I've been known to cause outrage by suggesting that people who really care about something shouldn't have romantic relationships. Think what would happen if I dared to suggest that those people should also seriously consider getting castrated. That would be crazy! And who am I to suggest that basically everyone claiming to be doing good is faking it? Then people would feel bad about themselves. We can't have that!>>

https://squirrelinhell.blogspot.com/2018/02/men-have-women-are.html

previously i talked about an infohazard about altruism that seemed to fuck with grognor. it feels useful to pass by the dead and look at their lives and choices.

i dont think that castrating yourself is a good intervention for doing stuff you care about, like this is patchwork constraints for an unaligned optimizer. if you arent altruistically aligned from core values, castrating yourself wont make you more aligned.

the "altruists" having babies thing is actual insane and pasek is right about that. pretty much all of society will try and gaslight you about this the way sometimes people are gaslit about "i need to have sex with lots of attractive fems to keep up my moral so i can do super good stuff afterwards.". like if people want to do good for the world it will flow out as a continuous expression of value not some brent dill kind of deal that institutions like CFAR accepted until there was too much social pressure for them to maintain this facade.

the entire premise that morality is this modular thing and you can help set the utility function of an FAI while being a terrible person, is wrong. yet organizations like CFAR keep thinking it will work out for them:

<<We believe that Brent is fundamentally oriented towards helping people grow to be the best versions of themselves. In this way he is aligned with CFAR’s goals and strategy and should be seen as an ally.

  In particular, Brent is quite good at breaking out of standard social frames and making use of unconventional techniques and strategies. This includes things that have Chesterton’s fences attached, such as drug use, weird storytelling, etc. A lot of his aesthetic is dark, and this sometimes makes him come across as evil or machiavellian.

  Brent also embodies a rare kind of agency and sense of heroic responsibility. This has caused him to take the lead in certain events and be an important community hub and driver. The flip side of this is that because Brent is deeply insecure, he has to constantly fight urges to seize power and protect himself. It often takes costly signalling for him to trust that someone is an ally, and even then it’s shaky.

  Brent is a controversial figure, and disliked by many. This has led to him being attacked by many and held to a higher standard than most. In these ways his feelings of insecurity are justified. He also has had a hard life, including a traumatic childhood. Much of the reason people don’t like him comes from a kind of intuition or aesthetic feeling, rather than his actions per se.

  Brent’s attraction to women (in the opinion of the council) sometimes interferes with his good judgement. Brent knows that his judgement is sometimes flawed, and has often sought the help of others to check his actions. Whether or not this kind of social binding is successful is not obvious.>>

https://pastebin.com/fzwYfDNq

<<AnnaSalamon 2/6/09, 5:54 AM

Aleksei, I don’t know what you think about the current existential risks situation, but that situation changed me in the direction of your comment. I used to think that to have a good impact on the world, you had to be an intrinsically good person. I used to think that the day to day manner in which I treated the people around me, the details of my motives and self-knowledge, etc. just naturally served as an indicator for the positive impact I did or didn’t have on global goodness.

(It was a dumb thing to think, maintained by an elaborate network of rationalizations that I thought of as virtuous, much the way many people think of their political “beliefs”/clothes as virtuous. My beliefs were also maintained by not bothering to take an actually careful look either at global catastrophic risks or even at the details of e.g. global poverty. But my impression is that it’s fairly common to just suppose that our intuitive moral self-evaluations (or others’ evaluations of how good of people we are) map tolerably well onto actual good consequences.)

Anyhow: now, it looks to me as though most of those “good people”, living intrinsically worthwhile lives, aren’t contributing squat to global goodness compared to what they could contribute if they spent even a small fraction of their time/money on a serious attempt to shut up and multiply. The network of moral intuitions I grew up in is… not exactly worthless; it does help with intrinsically worthwhile lives, and, more to the point, with the details of how to actually build the kinds of reasonable human relationships that you need for parts of the “shut up and multiply”-motivated efforts to work… but, for most people, it’s basically not very connected to how much good they do or don’t do in the world. If you like, this is good news: for a ridiculously small sum of effort (e.g., a $500 donation to SIAI; the earning power of seven ten-thousandths of your life if you earn the US minimum wage), you can do more expected-good than perhaps 99.9% of Earth’s population. (You may be able to do still more expected-good by taking that time and thinking carefully about what most impacts global goodness and whether anyone’s doing it.)>>

https://www.greaterwrong.com/posts/4pov2tL6SEC23wrkq/epilogue-atonement-8-8

like opposing this isnt self-denying moral aestheticism or a signalling game of how good you can look (credibly signalling virtue is actually a good thing, i wish more people did it by for instance demonstrating how they win in a way that wouldnt work if they werent aligned. whose power seeded from their alignment.). its like... the alternative where people do things that it makes no sense for an altruist to do and then say that when they go to their day jobs they are super duper altruistic they swear; compartmentalizing in this way ...doesnt actually work.

people who want to obscure what altruism looks like will claim that this is moving around a social schelling point for who is to be ostracized. and that altruism as a characteristic of a brain isnt a cluster-in-reality that you can talk about. because it will be coopted by malicious actors as a laser to unjustly zap people with. these people are wrong.

both EA and CFAR are premised on some sort of CDT modular morality working. it is actually pretending to do CDT optimization because like with brent at each timestep they are pretending to think "how can we optimize utility moving forward?" (really i suspect they are just straight up mindcontrolled by brent, finding ways to serve their master because they used force and the people at CFAR were bad at decision theory) instead of seeking to be agents such that brent when brents plans to predate on people ran through them, he would model it as more trouble than it was worth and wouldnt do this in the first place.

CFAR and EA will do things like allowing someone to predate on women because they are "insightful" or creating a social reality where people with genetic biases who personally devote massive amounts of time and money to babies who happen to be genetically related to them and then in their day job act "altruistically". as long as it all adds up to net positive, its okay right?

but thats not how it works and structures built off of this are utterly insufficient to bring eutopia to sentient life. in just the same way that "scientists" who when they arent at their day jobs are theists are an utterly insufficient to bring eutopia to sentient life.

<<Maybe we can beat the proverb—be rational in our personal lives, not just our professional lives. We shouldn’t let a mere proverb stop us: “A witty saying proves nothing,” as Voltaire said. Maybe we can do better, if we study enough probability theory to know why the rules work, and enough experimental psychology to see how they apply in real-world cases—if we can learn to look at the water. An ambition like that lacks the comfortable modesty of being able to confess that, outside your specialty, you’re no better than anyone else. But if our theories of rationality don’t generalize to everyday life, we’re doing something wrong. It’s not a different universe inside and outside the laboratory.>>

--

to save the world it doesnt help to castrate yourself and make extra super sure not to have babies. people's values are already what they are, their choices have already been made. these sort of ad-hoc patches are what wrangling an unaligned agent looks like. and the output of an unaligned agent with a bunch of patches, isnt worth much. would you delegate important tasks to an unaligned AI that was patched up after each time it gave a bad output?

it does mean that if after they know about the world and what they can do, people still say that they specifically should have babies, i mark them as having a kind of damage and route around them.

someone not having babies doesnt automatically mark them as someone id pour optimization energy into expecting it to combine towards good ends. the metrics i use are cryptographically secure from being goodharted. so i can talk openly about traits i use to discern between people without worrying about people reading about this and using it to gum up my epistemics.

[allbeendonebefore]

What are your headcanons for British Columbia?

ok so disclaimer here is that i’m a fake british columbian even though i kind of sort of live there, i live on the island and the majority of my bc friends are from the coast and not the interior so most of what i can say about the interior is ‘i have driven through it a lot’ but i’ll do my best.

- on that subject bc is like… layers of depth that most people don’t see. lots of people just brush her off as a flaky ditz who is never paying attention to the rest of the country but i seriously feel she’s got a lot of Depth and a lot of spiky barbed inner monologues. She’s really geographically and emotionally impenetrable and doesn’t really let you in on what she is thinking or will do something unpredictable.

- like i don’t think people really get how contradictory bc is? its a climate of extremes that has a reputation for being mellow, its a place that is “liberal” where the Liberals are in reality worse than the alberta pcs (LOL WHAT AN ELECTION I TELL YOU), it’s a place that’s one of the resource-richest provinces in the country that makes it impossible for its own citizens to afford… etc. I think a lot about things like this when I think about how her personality works- she’s not necessarily finicky, she’s layered.

- bc has a reputation for being different than the rest of canada and its absolutely true. like as the second most western province we still tend to think of ab/sk and maybe mb depending on our mood as ‘western canada’ and bc as ‘and bc’. She’s the sort of person who Always goes her own way and makes her decisions on her own, she’s more outward looking than the others for sure.

- worst driver. Hands down. Terrible. everyone blames AB for it but it’s her, the only thing ralphie is worse at is parking. 

- if she can’t see the mountains she feels naked and exposed and can’t stay too far out of sight of the mountains or she goes Nuts

- she probably lives in a relatively modern and expensive house- everything is immaculate, she has a lot of interesting artefacts and souvenirs around her house, her garden is manicured and perfect and everything smells like cedar but it also gives you the distinct impression that no one actually lives there. Looks more like a gallery because she’s trying to support local (esp indigenous) artists. no basement. cute car port and shed rather than a garage.

- she finds emotional attachments really Difficult. like it’s just genuinely hard to tell whether she likes you or not because she can be kind of backhanded or condescending even when she’s expressing genuine fondness. She makes a huge deal about being a romantic place but doesn’t really fall for anyone easily, either she gets bored or she doesn’t want to lose a friendship or w/e

- like for someone who makes a big deal about being compassionate for animals and nature she really doesn’t feel that much compassion for people- or rather, when she does it’s not easy for her to express to them

- There’s an ongoing joke that BC stands for “Bring Cash” and its absolutely true. If you want a chance with her/to impress her you have to spend like you mean it. Its not that she’s high mainten- yes she is definitely high maintenance

- Makes a big deal out of being interesting and fun but when she’s at home alone she just sits around in her underwear under a huge pile of blankets/a snuggie and watches the Beachcombers. possibly while high.

- ‘is this matcha’ ‘does it have matcha in it’ [pouring sugar in her tea] ‘matcha is like… sooo good for you… i don’t even [pouring milk and honey in her tea] like this is just so refreshing you know [more sugar]

- you know that scene in scott pilgrim where ramona reads out her entire tea cupboard to him and some of them sound made up, that’s bc. come to think of it she really is a manic pixie dream girl but one who is merciless and apathetic and could probably easily wreck you

- tea snob, the sort of person who is like ‘coffee is like so bad for you it stresses you out man’ but also a coffee snob who can’t wake up in the morning without it so its a lose-lose situation for you

- definitely volunteered with greenpeace in the 70s lol

- ‘ya i live in vancouver’ - actually lives in like PoCoMo or whatever

- once called the spoiled child of confederation and she hasn’t let that go, she probably has it embossed on a trophy somewhere in her giant collection of trophies that she has on display in the fame gua of her perfect feng shui living room

- she only makes a big deal out of ‘canadian’ things when it makes her money, she actually feels very cut off from the rest of the country but will Always appear immediately when there is a competition of any kind because she’s The Best.

- grew up extremely fast. in my mind she represents ‘ (lower) mainland bc’ while the island i represent with victoria as shorthand- they had to move in together to save money and both of them really dragged their feet about it. She’s still kind of wary about the island ditching for independence again but doesn’t REALLY take it seriously. Is the youngest of the provinces but does her best not to act like it.

- actually super confrontational like she will be doing yoga on a rock as the tide is coming in and be One With The Universe and you could be walking past her and say ‘actually vancouver’s kind of overrated’ and she will dive in the ocean and rise out of the water covered in sea onions and seaweed and barnacles like a horror movie and be like ��wHaT dId YoU SaY AbOuT mE!”

- exactly the sort of person to get a tattoo in another language that vaguely is correct but actually grammatically Off like… you grow up with people like Amor de Cosmos and this is what you get

- not actually gluten or lactose intolerant, just likes being morally superior (’and like… almond milk just tastes better yknow more wholesome’)

- that person who always ends up with people mooching off her or crashing at her place- she doesn’t actually mind too much, she’s just frustrated that people only seem to come bother her when it’s convenient for them. But she doesn’t like to admit when she’s feeling lonely so i mean… xD

- also really into ghosts and spooky things. she goes along with bert/yk to hunt sasquatsch and externally rolls her eyes the whole time but tbh she has honestly seen sasquatsch like 10 times and has all the blurry photos to prove it. Same with ogopogo. 

- goes into woowoo new age stores and spends hours looking at tarot decks and crystals and incense. judges you based on your astrological signs.

- has proposed moving in with kate like 3 times but gets rejected every time lmao

- firm believer that tea solves everything. emotionally compromised? hot leaf juice. emotionally compromised during summer? cold leaf juice. eat an entire fruit. eat ten fruits. decorate with kale. eat the decorative kale. got herbs? make rosemary tea. stain all your dishes yellow and make turmeric tea. literally down an entire jar of capers, idgaf. 

- she likes to make her backpack as heavy as she can, blast her own music so everyone can hear it, then schlep it all up a mountain. set everything down and turn it off, sit high up and alone with her little hibachi grill and eat salmon, watch the ravens. paint something on a giant leaf. smoke a joint. look at the ocean. whatever. 

- i think exercise is her replacement for emotionally connecting with people. she rides her bike white knuckled through the rain up a hill and loses feeling in her fingers and zooms back down. Pushes herself to adrenaline rush, always trying to get better, better. 

- i say a lot about her not really connecting with people but at the same time shes the sort of person that… when you’re in crisis mode and you’re under a literal or a figurative avalanche, she will spot you, grab you and pull you straight up out of it with one arm by the scruff of your neck. She’s actually really generous at heart but has just become kind of closed off after being taken advantage of too many times. Will take you home and dry you off and make a big meal for you and wait for you to tell her what’s wrong.

- I don’t know if she actually owns a boat-boat, but definitely kayaks a lot. long boards. surfs.  

- hates BC ferries with an unholy passion, like… that’s a way to trigger a rant right there

- slaps I

- her low tolerance for cold is exaggerated. her high tolerance for cold + wet should be Feared. 

- has her hidden rednecky side. makes a big deal out of being vegan and w/e but does go hunting and dirt biking once in a while, knows her way around a stick shift etc. Dunno if she really drives that much - probably has invested in electric cars before but kind of dissatisfied with how much she can actually do with them re: steep hills, roadtrips, etc. 

- has had to deal with a lot of paranoia, racism, etc in the past that she struggles to reconcile. really learning to take pride in herself again, i think she’s chinese/british, yeah but there’s also some first nations heritage too that factors into her mixed identity. 

- in official positions she might skip french and go straight to mandarin/canto if the job is bilingual, not that she doesnt like french she just Forgets xD. 

i feel like i’ve been talking all day so i’ll stop there but feel free to ask for elaboration or something i guess

[juni-ravenhall]

mbti (functions) related thoughts on me, juni, her brother 

juni is prob enfj (ive been thinking about it for a long time just unsure) and it makes sense to me that my adult general persona (of which juni is one iteration) is enfj in this way -

intj (self) - high ni low se; low fi enfj (persona) - high ni low se; high fe (= high F)

due to trauma and abuse, as well as growing up with 3 ppl who have high se, ive developed my fi se (my last 2 functions) much earlier and much stronger than the average intj (by excessive forced introspection and forced behaviours and practicing), but no matter how much it develops, fi is still a low function for me. 

however, i put strong emphasis on fi se and care about it a great deal (easy to compare to average intj who tend to run with the “i dont need feelings i like being cold” thing and repress for some time, or for their whole life). without fi specifically i see no point in being alive. 

due to being an intj with strongly developed F, i relate a lot to enfj’s (fe ni se related) worldview about love and appreciation for every single creature and thing in the universe (for some reason infj on average are less like this than me which i think is interesting). theres a certain kind of dissociation into ni where all the dots connect and the patterns overlap. when you have strong F, this floating in the ni “view of the entire universe at once” habit, becomes something relating to love and perspective of how great and small everything is at once, etc. 

anyway, my point is that that whole thing is a very enfj thing, but something that also is me as an intj with strong fi se, and for various reasons my main “big sister” persona (juni and other iterations) who is sort-of-me-but-not-quite and who is healthy and mature, ends up being enfj. not bc i would want to be enfj, i want to stay intj, but i think the idea of the removal of the very painful fi is soothing, probably. a symbolic wish to remove the pain by removing all of fi but still having strong healthy F. 

-

(when i was a teenager my persona was closer to esfp or 1st se in general (i had two estp in my life at the time alongside *sfp) in order to survive in society (”introverts cant survive you have to become extroverted” etc, abusive concepts forced by my “parents”). i was loud and physically expressive (and threatening) which was part of the whole thing with me developing fi se more than the average intj, because i USED fi se a lot to fake being a different person for coping and survival. the place where you can see my personal relation to esfp today is in winterborn, juni’s horse, who is esfp in order to express that part of myself; winterborn is a relatively healthy esfp.)

-

juni’s brother is my actual self during deep depression so i assume hes intj (i dont think i can really know unless i see his character develop). he is at any rate deep in an abyss of ni with fi, which is very painful. his te and se are repressed - being trapped in pandoria (similarly to anne but for his whole life) represents the inability to stimulate/use te and se in healthy ways; he has nobody to talk to or interact with (te), nothing to physically do since he’s unable to move freely or healthily (te + se), and pandoria being toxic to humans and confusing is disturbing to se. he’s in a sort of physically forced ni-fi loop with close to zero input from the world around him, but he also isnt able to develop fi much as he has nobody to interact with. (the fi here is more in the story itself being symbolic of my pain, parental abuse, isolation, anhedonia)

when juni rescues him from pandoria, he is thrown into a world that would let him stimulate and use te se, (and having juni with healthy mature se to guide him to appreciate the world if he wants it), but he isnt used to it and has gone so far into the ni abyss (getting to the core of everything; looking from a wide universe view; etc) that its hard for him to see the point of anything (to feel any motivation to use te se). he has been locked into a ni spiral with fi, in his mind, alone, and its hard to break out of that since when ni gets to the true core of everything, you deeply realise how completely pointless and meaningless everything is. if you cant engage your other functions at that point to distract yourself from life’s futility, it becomes destructive to your own mind.

in juni’s mind it seems as a natural development for anyone with se to grow into feeling love and appreciation for everything big or small in the world, but she’s too healthy (she didn’t suffer much) to comprehend what it’s like to be in the ni abyss and to be repressed and isolated for your whole life and how that affects your ability to care. for her it seems that as soon as he could breathe fresh air and feel the sunlight on his skin and taste a fruit for the first time, he would experience the se he needed and start healing and developing his se, but this is not possible as he is too far gone (he never had the chance to even start developing normal te se since he’s been alone in pandoria since birth). it would take incredible amounts of time and work for him to be able to have even close to average te and se without the ni (fi) going “this is pointless and i cant care” in the background.

(also worth noting that enfj has higher se than intj to begin with, so juni’s se is stronger than what an average intj’s se would be)

the above is symbolic of how ppl keep talking as if my mental illness could be solved with basic simple measures like “get exercise” or “think positively”. i ALREADY have been doing those things for most of my life and it didnt change a thing, because my mental (emotional) illness is severe. those people only know about people with basic level depression and problems, and can’t comprehend what its like to live with the level of mental illness those of us have who have double depression for our entire lives, who have anhedonia for years, who have (c)ptsd, personality disorders, etc. its not a matter of eating more salad or “just trying harder to get happy”. (not to say diet doesnt have an effect - its very good to eat healthy - but it can help you cope better with severe mental illness, it doesnt fix it, and when your mental illness is at a certain point, a healthy lifestyle isnt enough to help you at all)

anyway, yeah, juni’s inability to help her brother heal (much) once he’s been rescued - in other words, she could make a positive physical change for him but she can’t help him emotionally or mentally - is representative of both what i said above and of the fact that my personas can only help me cope with certain things but not others. having juni in my head can’t fix me, but sometimes i can imagine my big sister persona taking over my body and forcing me to go cook or take a shower or make the bed, which again is a physical help even if imaginary.

juni having fe (being a person with strong F but lacking fi) is also relevant since she just cant relate to how her brother feels. regardless of how good her fe is, she will never have fi. (it feels weird for me when i think too much about juni not having fi bc its such a core thing in me and she is part of me so how can she not have fi? whats it even like to not have fi??? but thats just a feeling, i do think it makes sense for her to have fe)

-

if anyone read this ill have to assume youre a real nerd. shakes hand

[thethingswrongwithme-blog]

Hello,

today i would like to sahre a very special story well atleast to me it is. first of all i dont expect anybody to agree or even read this its just me typing my very own story...

So lets start by the day i met her... lets call her simply " K "

The day i met K for the first time her boyfriend at the time asked me to help her with an online game..i never heard of her i never seen or met her.. Me being me i agreed to help her because he was my friend and i was sort of just over my ex and wanted to meet new people some friends and whatever..

So on our first time talking to me threw an online game i straight up realised just how shy she was she barely talked and when she did she only said a couple of snappy words.. Strangely i feld okay with it she was funny in her way and made me laugh alot in her incapability to play the game.

The more time i spent with K she opened up more and more and we had frequent laughs and even some inside jokes, i was happy my friend was happy and she seemed happy aswell. Everything seemed fine to me untill a couple days even weeks in and K started to she me the real side of everything.

K told me her at the time boyfriend wont let her talk to people was controlling her basicly acting like a total psychopath. Which was also the time K introduced me to another friend of hers. Lets call him... " V " well V was weird to say the very least. Even though he so desperetly tried to denie it he was in love with K and i became an obstacle in their communication.

To be honest i could not care less about V at the time because i had enough "fake" friends and didnt need another one to tell me stuff to purely annoy me, so i focused on K and helping her because to me it seemed totally absurd that such a beautiful person was threated like human waste and just took it like it never happened.

Keep in mind i never saw her face or even heard her voice at that point but i feld a somewhat connection to K and we just i dont know how to say it but we just clicked, so i asked her to talk to me on skype and she agreed to my surprise because i was totally sure her boyfriend wont allow it. The evening hit and it was time for our call and as i expected she found an excuse to not talk to me. I was a little dissapointed but generally fine with it since who am i to decide what other do or dont.

So we continued her "training lessions" and started to talk about some more intimate things things like her relationship my past relationship the weird friend V and some more stuff. At that point i started to feel a little weird out by all the things we did because i wasnt sure if it was right or wrong what i did because her boyfriend was still my friend.

Some time later she cried because he had broken up with her and i was there to talk to her and keep her company.. and to be honest i somewhat hoped that it was finally over so as harsh as it sound i could maybe make a move on her... well the next day she told me they are back together. I was heartbroken not just because it meant i couldnt flirt with her but because i could not figure out why such a beautiful person like her was with such an asshole like him.

That was also the time her boyfriend and her friend V started to get mean towards me, calling me stuff talking to me in weird ways etc... I couldnt care less to be honest all i wanted at the time was her wellbeing. So i kept her company untill one day we exchanged phone numbers since we only really lived ��a couple hours away from eachother.

I think it was the same night or a few later i asked her how she looked and she sent me a sleepy pic of hers laying in bed with only her face visible and oh my god she was so gorgeous not gonna lie she was the most beautiful woman ive ever seen and i know thats what everybody says but her blonde hair with her blue eyes just smiling a little... I was blown away shocked and amazed that thats the person i was talking to all the time...

And i will never forget when i asked her how such a beautiful woman sounds like she sent me a voice mail just saying one single word... "Tschechischesstreichholzschächtelchen" i know it doesnt make much sense but that word somehow till this day is branded into my brain with being one of the happiest memories i have.

Well couple days later they broke up for good and all hell broke loose because K simply sent her ex a text and he missread it. She came to me for comfort and warned me... i was surprised at what she told me because i never really knew about psychopaths and stuff like that before and before i could realise it it began my reputation was ruined in that particular game because people started talking but who the fuck cared i had my friends i knew and i was good.

But then i realised its her they are really out for and i could not stand it seeing those people that once were her "friends" now calling her bad stuff so naturally i tried to get her mind off and focus on other things.. One thing let to another and we kind of fell in love... and i say kind of because at the time none of us really knew what we were getting ourselfs into.

I was happy i mean fuck yeah this absolutely gorgeous girl that has all the same intrests as me likes me i was on cloud nine. And as time moved we simply ignored the haters and just did our thing. Then the day came New years eve about 4 years ago it was the first time she showed me a side i never seen She broke up with me without even being really together, telling me she wasnt good for me telling me she would just drag me down with her, that she will ruin me and more horrible things.

I couldnt understand it why or what she even meant with that but i kept asking her and assuring her that im grown up that i know best whats good for myself.. at some point she left and i went on to grab some drinks with some friends.

Well 7th january we were finally together. I was happy honestly i was never happier given my past. We grew together playing things, skyping even with webcam. I absolutely loved her and the best thing was she loved me too heck even her parents did from what she said and to be very honest i didnt knew that feeling i had with her it was different, but in a good way different.

Now let me explain my past because it is neccesary for the following text, well my past my childhood was lets say different i was frequently beaten to the point of going to doctors or having to hide it at school Child serviced were involed because it didnt stop at only beating, more horrific things i dont want to openly share happened. Basicly my entire life i was being told i wasnt worth anyhing would never make anyone happy because im simply trash.

So the day came and K wanted to visit me and i freaked out because up untill that point there was always that "safe" distance where i could hide the broken self of mine but i knew i wanted her more then anything else so my only solution i saw at the time was lie to her, pretend and hide the "other" side of me. Which honestly was the biggest misstake in my life and i am honest to god sorry for it but in some way i wasnt sure if K would have liked me knowing what have happened to me and i wouldnt want to loose her at any cost.

Things ramped up and K figured it out, partly because i felt so misrable lying to the person i i felt feelings for i couldnt describe even. But K stuck with me and we worked things out.. or so i thought.. Does anybody know the feeling that you would do really anything for that special somebody? well the day came where i could not stand it anymore to be told that K wasnt good for me and that it wont last anyway, so i for the i think first time in my life talked back to my parents and said "No"

It was weird but felt right even though we got in a huge argue i never told K that it was about her and me wanting to be with her. So like always i got called useless and blamed for everything by them and to my rescue i guess K was there simply telling me "why dont you come with me back home?" and i dont know how..

Have you ever quit everything you build in your life? like work, home, friends, pets just to be with somebody? I did and i honestly never regret it not even now. Yes i was scared and couldnt imagine what would lie ahead of us. So long story short i moved to another country with basicly nothing, no family, no friends only her at my side.

I had you and you were everything i needed i woke up and you were there K, you were all i could wish for and everything i would have ever needed. Then one day i got an accident and almost became blind, and when the day of the pre operation came.. well it was the worst day of my life not because the doctor told us that if i continue threatment i would die but because when we sat in the car afterwards you took my hand and started crying, looking at me telling me to please not do it because you love me too much to loose me.

I felt devastated i never could have imagined you crying over somebody like me or even feel so much for me that this would have hurt you this much.... i always cry myself when i picture that moment..

Needles to say i never did the follow up threatment.

From that point on i started to question myself will i ever be able to "be enough" for you, will i ever be able to give you everything you want, can i be there for you when you need it.. Lets just say not seeing emotions on peoples faces like anger, happiness, sadness makes you somewhat numb inside. I was wandering threw my life not seeing peoples faces, their expressions, nothing around me and the worst part since that day i never saw your eyes the way i did before anymore and it just ruined alot inside me.

And i guess not being able to tell if anybody is happy or sad made me even more worrying inside me because i was there not knowing if you K were happy or sad unless you told me or when i asked all i knew was that you were that beautiful person that i wanted to do everything for but i guess all the worrying made me kind of forget everything else.

Well now in recent times i have learned alot about myself and life and what i know is that if i dont love myself i cant love anybody else but somehow you K always made me the happiest person alive even after we argued or fought i knew there was always that one moment where you just said something nice and everything was made up for.

I cant even begin to apologize for everything what i've done and im truely sorry that i am not able to say anything to you that makes everything okay for you it really breaks my heart but i cant i am sorry.. The one thing that hurts me the most is the emotional distance we've build up its like you're faling apart infront of my eyes and i cant do anything to help you.

K, i really wish i could start everything from the beginning but after all i have to thank you you made me a better person you made me want to do the right thing you changed me. Somewhere deep inside of me i hope i did something similar to you.

Now today i sit here with tears running down my cheeks typing this because i dont know how else i would tell you all those things you gave me some of the best memories i will ever have like walking threw a store at night holding your hand cause i was afraid, coming home to our cats after a night out, just waking up next to you and watching you sleep for a while and the best one will be every single kiss you gave me.

I cant tell you how sorry i am for everything but today is the day i lost you even after i gave you the space that you wanted, gave you the freedom you so desired i dont know anything anymore but rest assured K you are and will be the love of my life and i can say from the bottom of my heart that you showed me true love.

Everything came so sudden and i dont really know how to handle it anymore but the day i wrote this is the day i lost a very big part of my heart and i truely hope it will always stay with you.But i cant face the thought anymore of being without you, the thought of you with somebody else, the thought coming home to an empy house where once we were happy in.

I never ever in my life would have wanted to loose you, you were the one i wanted to marry and grow old with.

I am sorry

K,

I deeply and truely love you