#taking shots at me like its patron-- no. you see how that doesnt make sense? because youre crossing definitions of a word

[thesundanceghost]

i need to explain what a simile is to taylor swift

[forkgirl]

look i'm thirst begging for yandere daddy oz, if you have the time/ideas to do it, then i have the time to read whatever you write five times and then cry about it afterwards u-u

𝐇𝐮𝐧𝐝𝐫𝐞𝐝 𝐃𝐨𝐥𝐥𝐚𝐫 𝐁𝐢𝐥𝐥

Farrell!Penguin x Fem!Reader

yes ofc anything for daddy oz, finally had a tiny bit of time to write a random drabble! also i got REALLY sleep deprived halfway so if it doesnt make sense or just starts to suck thats why

warnings: stripper reader, fem reader, tiny bit of nsfw, yandere themes, oz kills someone cause idk why not, oz kind of a douche but its okay coz hes hot

𝐂𝐚𝐬𝐡 𝐜𝐨𝐦𝐞𝐬 𝐪𝐮𝐢𝐜𝐤, 𝐛𝐮𝐭 𝐥𝐨𝐨𝐤𝐬 𝐜𝐚𝐧 𝐤𝐢𝐥𝐥 💋🍒

Gotham City had its ups and downs. Mostly downs, but it really depended on who you were. Born into money, a nepotism child being served everything on a silver platter - or just the average citizen, trying to play the hand they’ve been dealt.

Like many other girls struggling, you turned to the Iceberg Lounge for employment. It was well-paying, an easy to get job that would surely never lose business.

Each day payed well, you were a favourite amongst the crowd, even distracting some employees, giving them a sultry wink leaving them to long for more.

Amongst the men you’d see in your days, only a few really stuck out, your usual clients, some of the frequent patrons you’d catch staring at you during your routine. You’d hear them chatter as you go backstage, just drunken bar talk.

“Hey, dollface,” you heard through the blaring music and chatter. Not sure who it was, you glanced over and ignored it.

“Ay, I’m talkin’ to you!” The man snapped his fingers right at you.

Startled, you looked behind yourself. A larger middle aged man smiled at you, showing off his gold tooth.

“Didn’t mean to scare ya, angel, couldn’t help but tell you how gorgeous ya look.”

You smiled and nodded, about to walk away and go backstage to change your outfit, but he grabbed you by your shoulder.

“Don’t just leave when I’m talking to you, do you know who I am?”

“I’m, uh, I’m afraid not, sir.”

“Oh, princess.”

He looked at you as if disappointed, shocked even, letting out a deep sigh.

“Oswald Cobblepot. Owner of the place.” He winked and flashed a smile, and you were entirely convinced your life flashed right before your eyes.

“I didn’t know, I’m so sorry Mr. Cobblepot, really, I just never heard or seen who owns this pla-“ He hushed you, taking a seat down next to you. Who knew such a gangster coils be so gentlemanly, resting his arms on the crushed velvet sides.

“Not many people know, hah, better to be in the shadows so I can really see what people do here behind closed doors.” He chuckled, taking a sip of whiskey. “Say, think you could give me a private show? I like you a lot, you’re a charmer without even tryin’.”

Before you could even respond, blushing wildly, your manager came over to the two of you.

“Hey! Show’s on in 5, stop flirting with the customers! Ain’t like you’re getting paid extra or whatnot.” He stood between you and Oz, giving you a little shove to the dressing room entrance.

“And you, don’t flirt with my girls while they’re on the job, that’s what after hours are for!” He hissed at Oz, not knowing his position either.

Oz held his hands up, as if surrendering to the man, a smug grin on his face as the manager barked at you again, noticing your longing expression directed towards Oz.

“You’ll have enough time to flirt after your shift is over. Come on, don’t keep ‘em waiting!”

“She can stay with me as long as I want.” Oz grabbed you by the waist, protectively pulling you close to him.

“Excuse me? You think you run the place, or what?”

“‘Fact I do.” Oswald pulled out a gold-plated revolver from his coat, waving it around towards the exit. “What’s your name, kid? Tell me. I wanna know who’s mama I’m gonna be talking to, ordering around girls like that.”

The man was in too much shock to speak, instead tackling Oswald, choking him. Oswald managed to keep a grip on the revolver, shooting the man once in the head as the shot echoed throughout the club.

Oswald smiled at you, lifting himself back up on his feet and kicking the man to the side.

“You okay, sweetheart?”

You nodded, your mouth agape. He stuck two of his fingers inside, grazing your bottom teeth, taking them out to give you a kiss. Reaching inside of his pocket, he pulled out a hundred dollar bill with his number written on it.

“Nothin’ more gorgeous than a hundred dollar bill, baby, nothin’ but you. Buy yourself something pretty, you’re daddy’s now.” he said, before you could even speak.

“I say this is the night you become mine, angel.”

lmk if you guys want a part 2!! i could maybe make one ksjsjsj

[curioscurio]

just saw a post abt coran headcannons and wanted 2 make one :)

yall  think shiro’s space dad but its actually a part time job that he shares with coran

he feed u soup and keeps u worm when ur sick

but when HE’S sick he’ll either work till he’s dying or keep it from everyone. He’ll completely deny he has anything unless it puts the team in danger (ex: lightly poisoned? mamma didn’t raise no pussy. Contagious poison? don’t touch me im sterile) 

sleep is a suggestion to him. Alteans don’t need as much sleep as humans anyway, but coran is constantly awake and ON THE MOVE. basically a cryptid

he’s always around in case any of the paladins have nightmares or insomnia at night or something and makes them sweet root tea or something. :’’-)

eyes and markings glow when super happy or excited (allura too!)

he’s ripped as fuck hes goddamned beefy and when the paladins find out they’re like: ?!?!?!?!

lance: he’s..... thicc

coran has no favorites (lance) but will go the extra mile to make every paladin laugh if they’re feeling down

talks to the lions when repairing them or just hanging around them. he tells them stories and jokes. blue thinks he’s sweet but green nearly falls over laughing bc she thinks he’s so funny. then when he tells a pidge a joke and she doesnt get it he’ll grumble and say smthng like “green would have laughed..”

this guy CAN FLIRT 

seriously, one time they were on a mission and both coran and allura were there for diplomatic reasons and the prince of the alien planet started getting fresh with allura. coran swoops in.gently takes his hands. leads him away from allura looking into his eyes. he’s got the most charming voice and smile ad says something like “ i can see the universe in your eyes” tHE ALIEN IS DEAD HE’S ENDED. 

paladins have memes about him 

“vore me daddy coran” (this is his least favorite)

* pidge goes up to the beefiest alien with the biggest muscles ever* “coran... is that you... how did you get here...”

*lance and keith making out* “you know who’s the best?” “hmm?” “coran” “lance what hte fuck”

they actually love him a lot and when they’re concerned abt him he doesn’t quite get it bc he’s the advisor not a paladin or the princess?? ‘why would you guys worry about me im replacab-” “NO??? FUCK OFF??? YOU’RE THE BEST???”

has TONS of tiny scars on his hands from mechanic work but they’re so fucking smooth and soft like a little baby hand. everytime he takes them off u can hear someone running down the hall “GLOVES OFF” and someone dives to the ground to hold his hand

WANTS TO FIGHT EVERYTHING? 

i mean he’s very diplomacy first and shit but if someones down to fight or threatening the paladins... gloves off. he socks them right in the face and starts a huge fight which he wins. it’s actually a little scary.like he’s all dirty and torn up and wiping blood from his nose with his knuckles and spits on the guy he just pummled. the guy is crying. he turns back to the paladins with a wide grin and and goofy laugh “sore losers am i right ;-)”

allura can beat him in a fair fight and he doesn’t hold back (too much) 

hands shake when anxious and gets real clumsy. ;ike theres a line. normally he has sturdy hands, if he’s nervous or anxious or paranoid they shake like the devil and he trips over stuff and you want to keep him out of the mechanic room (unfortunately thats the first place he’ll go) however he can stitch up your wound faster than lightning, and is very calm in the face of real hardcore danger

Paladin specific headcannons under the cut:

Lance:

would die for coran and vice versa

reminiscence about home planets together

is very gentle with coran, even though coran is usually the rock 

GOD HE GETS SO ANXIOUS ABT HIM SOMETIMES LIKE coran will do something incredibly dangerous like hanging from the rafters upside down (he’s done it so many times) or going days on end without sleep (really it’s for a project) or engineering something with dangerous substances that often can and will blow up in his face ( i s2g i will save u from another explosion)

complains to the paladins about the shit coran makes him go through but also wouldn’t have it any other way

Pidge:

TERRIBLE INFLUENCE ON HIM

both of them will collaborate on a project and then you won’t see them for days.

they live in the Castle Basement where they do experiments and shit. Pidge is worse than Coran about sleep so they have a couch down there that coran will carry pidge to and lay her on if she falls asleep during work.

if pidge is with him, coran makes sure to schedule breaks and snack times so pidge doesnt crash horribly. he brings her food and makes sure they don’t stay cooped up for weeks.

pidge knows this which is why she helps him so often ( that and she really enjoys learning new altean tech and hanging w him) 

will march in and drag coran from a project if she thinks he needs to take a break or a NAP 

Hunk: 

hunk loves to draw and sketch and whittle and stuff in his spare time! coran can barely hold a pencil. hunk teaches him how to draw and paint and coran just loves it so much. “coran what are you painting” “it’s a sworlump” “it looks nice” 

in turn coran teaches hunk how to whittle. hunk has shaky hands so learning this is helping him be more confident with his strokes and dexterity! 

hunk can FIND coran. he’s got a detector. he senses him. if corans sick or smthng or injured but trying to hide it he can sniff it out like a hound dog and is the only one that can actually get him to rest or visit the medbay. usually ends up carrying him there. i love hunk. 

Keith: 

it’s not that he doesn’t worry about coran (he does a lot) he just gets pissed a lot bc he doesnt get why coran can’t see how important he is. 

but also trust coran to know his limits 

wants coran to spot him when he trains bc if he’s training with the other paladins he has to keep a stoic face and perfect form. but since he does it to burn out stress, he gets really messy and emotional and nasty when he does it. like he’ll get so frustrated and cry and tear shit up and halfheartedly swing his bayard until he’s all drained. 

coran doesnt ever judge and makes sure he doesn’t go past his limits or something. can calm him down if he’s super distressed without it feeling patronizing. 

Shiro:

SHIRO HAS A MAJOR CRUSH ON CORAN LMFAOOO

GETS FLUSTERED AROUND HIM ALL THE TIME

coran: *smiles*

shiro: i would die for you

can train comfortably with coran as well as allura! but allura is sometimes too intense for him and he needs someone who is really in control of the whole thing. coran knows how to disable his arm if things get too wack. coran is a really good parter to spar with bc he likes to do funny banter and keeps shiro from getting lost in his head. 

shiro will eat anything coran hands him without hesitation. everyone else is??

turns out shiro has no taste buds but it makes coran happy so

coran once had to carry shiro out of battle bridal style and shiro couldn’t stop blushing for hours 

Allura: 

they’re so mischievous together lmfao

you’d think coran would be the one to be like “no allura you could get hurt!!” but unless it’s a huge life or death situation he’s such an enabler for her and vice versa. “HEY ALLURA I BET YOU CAN’T SHOOT THIS APPLE FROM KETIHS HEAD LL THE WAY FROM THE BRIDGE” “coran you fool i am the strongest one on this ship i can do anything” They’ll both find the most dangerous animal on whatever planet they’re on and ride it. coran used to be against her drinking and stuff but now that theres been a war going on they’ll basically do shots together and talk abt altea. THEY LOVE TO FUCK WITH THE PALADINS 

“oh no!! it seems Lance has caught the.. uh.. Altean stomach worms...”

“oh yes princess... so sad. we will miss you lance.rip in peace”

“princess have you drunken your florppinus potion this month?”

“ ...........OH YES THAT ONE. YES IM ALL READY FOR THE RECKONING. PRAISE THE ALLENIUM”

coran: did you know alteans can breathe pure quintessence?

lance: :O

allura: *holds up a jar of mouthwash* it’s so beautiful

[blatherkatt]

Title: The Calm Is Terrifying When The Storm Is All You Know [Homestuck]

Prologue 2: Regarding Dave Strider

Summary: There were two kinds of trolls who went to Earth: rich shitheads with too much money and free time, and desperate assholes who couldn’t survive on Alternia, even with the best efforts of the young Condesce. Karkat hated the planet almost immediately, but with his home planet too dangerous for mutants, he really didn’t have any choice but to hide out on this weird little diurnal planet. At least he’d be safe. Or so he thought, right before blundering his way into an accidental friendship with the son of an anti-troll terrorist. 

Rating: M

Chapter Warnings: Death mention, Heavily implied abuse, mentions of terrorist activity (courtesy of Bro Strider), Dave’s mental gymnastics hard at work; So Many Pesterlogs, Illustrated  

FIRST | NEXT 

4/13/2009

(Excerpt from a front page newspaper article)

ALTERNIAN EMBASSY UNDER ATTACK

The Alternian embassy in Austin, Texas suffered a bomb strike yesterday. Several casualties have been recorded. […] Several suspects were seen on video, but as of yet none have been arrested. The primary suspect is a man named Derek Strider. Strider was honored as a hero for his actions during the wars between Alternia and Earth. Strider is currently 33 years old, 6’5”, blonde, pale-skinned, frequently seen wearing an orange baseball cap and triangular sunglasses. Police ask anyone with any information on his whereabouts to please call…

08/05/2011

(Post made to a comedy blog maintained anonymously by one Dirk L.)

The Big Bi-Annual Serious Post(tm).  

Alright, guys. Sorry to be doing this again, but it’s the anniversary, and I’m fucking desperate. To everyone who’s new enough to this blog to have never witnessed my twice-yearly floundering tribute to futility, buckle the fuck up because we’re in for a wild ride.

Yeah, I know, “you were so cute as a child,” et cetera et cetera. Do me a favor and save the patronizing comments on this particular baby photo and instead turn your attention to the little boy on the left. His name is Dave. When this photo was taken, he was six years old; he’s currently a few months shy of thirteen. Assuming he’s still alive, anyway.

I haven’t seen him in six years. Six years ago today, our father came in the dead of night and kidnapped him.

It’s pretty clear at this point that the police have given up on finding him. I haven’t. I’d have to be a pretty shitty older brother to do that, but unfortunately, there’s not much I can do on my own.

All I’m asking is that if you have any word on him, if you know him, if you’ve seen him, if you ran into him in a fucking supermarket, anything at all, please, please tell me. It’s a long shot, I know, but, shit, maybe this weird fucking blog I run can do some good, right?

Let’s skip the usual fucking around, though. Like I said, it’s been six years. I assure you, none of you are the first one to think of the hilarious joke of leading me on and relentlessly fucking with me. It’s not funny, and I’m not in the mood.

Thanks.

(Chatlog from Pesterchum)

— ectoBiologist [EB] began pestering timaeusTestified [TT] at 9:15 PM 08/05/2011 —

EB: hey, you’re the guy who runs that weird blog, right?

TT: I run a number of weird blogs. You’ll have to be more specific.

TT: I don’t post my handle on any of them anymore, though, so I’m a bit confused as to how you got it.

EB: got it from my sister! shes been following you for a little while and said you added her recently

EB: she’s gutsygumshoe!

EB: id message you through the actual blog but i mean i dont have a tumblr haha

TT: Ah, okay.

TT: GG’s pretty cool. Knowing she gave you my handle is at least reassuring in the sense that I don’t have to worry so much about who’s getting my contact info.

TT: Why so keen to talk to me, though? It doesn’t sound like you’ve much interest in the contents of the actual blog.

EB: nah its not a sense of humor i feel like i really get

EB: but thats not the point here its actually really important!

EB: see my sis was talking about that post you made today at dinner

EB: she felt really bad for you i guess but she showed it to me and i think i might know dave!

TT: Ah. We’re doing this, okay.

EB: ???

TT: I hope you’ll excuse me not leaping for joy.

TT: There’s been a lot of false alarms over the years. It’s hard to hope.

EB: i mean that might be for the best

EB: im really not sure myself but a lot of weird stuff matches up

EB: the kid in the picture does look a lot like the dave i know and the number of siblings matches up!

TT: Never said that the little girl was my sister.

EB: oh, isn’t she?

EB: that puts a bit of a damper on things if not, because the sister was something he was a lot more sure of.

TT: Um. What?

EB: i should start from the beginning here shouldnt i haha

EB: sorry im a little nervous! and dave isnt online right now because of course he isnt so i cant double check this stuff with him yet ugh

EB: hes like one of my best friends even though weve only met online

EB: the age matches up too! hes twelve right now and turns 13 in a few months

TT: Hm. A bit coincidental, sure, but Dave isn’t exactly a rare name.

EB: he looks a lot like your dave too though!

EB: here look at this

— ectoBiologist sent a file: socool.jpg —

TT: That is the shittiest photo I’ve ever seen.

EB: ugh yeah sorry

EB: he takes them bad on purpose, hes got a really weird sense of humor

EB: thats honestly the best one i have of him right now :(

TT: I can sort of see what you mean by there being a bit of a resemblance, though.

TT: If I squint and tilt my head really hard, I mean.

EB: yeah ok but i mean im still not at the really important part!

EB: see ive known for a while that he lives with his bro

EB: but like a couple weeks ago he told me something really weird!

TT: We’re pretty sure Dave was kidnapped by our father.

TT: I think I’d know if I was living with him.

EB: thats the thing though! his bro isnt actually his brother

EB: hes daves dad

EB: dave isnt sure why the guy makes him call him bro

EB: he told me though that he feels like he does actually have an older brother

EB: cant remember the older brothers name very well, he thinks it starts with a d?

EB: and he remembers having a sister too, and he was like.

EB: absolutely positive her name was rose

EB: wasn’t sure on her age though, he thought she must’ve been pretty close to his age

EB: but i mean if that girl in that photo isn’t your sister then that kinda throws all this right down the drain

TT: She is.

EB: what?

TT: She is my sister. I was…sorry, it was a reflex. I’m so used to people fucking with me over this, I said that to try and throw you off, but

TT: Fuck, my hands are shaking. I hope you’re serious here.

EB: is all that stuff right then??

TT: Her name’s Rose, and she is our sister, and my name does start with a D.

TT: Is there anything else about him that you can tell me that might help identify him?

EB: um

EB: oh! his birthday’s december 3rd!

TT: I

TT: Jesus Christ

EB: :D

EB: ah fuck there he is hold on

EB: asshole finally got online

EB: im gonna show him that post

TT: I

TT: Yeah, you should

TT: Do that.

TT: I’m

TT: Fuck.

EB: oh my god he is rambling up a storm

EB: ive never seen him this excited gosh

EB: do you wanna talk to him? i can give you his handle

TT: Jesus fucking Christ of course I want to talk to him.

TT: Please.

TT: Fuck.

EB: turntechgodhead!

EB: i gave him yours too

EB: you still there dude?

EB: oh i guess you’re probably talking to him now huh haha

— timaeusTestified [TT] began pestering turntechGodhead [TG] at 9:23 PM 08/05/2011 —

TT: Dave?

TG: holy shit

TG: holy shit holy shit i thought i fucking dreamed it all holy shit

TG: im trying to sort all this shit but its all so fucking vague

TG: rose is real though right

TT: She is. You and she are twins.

TG: holy fuck

TG: holy shit im a twin holy fuck

TG: and you too holy shit

TG: i cant fucking remember your name though i dont know whats going on with that

TG: like my brain just decided to pick random details to remember about you all

TG: roses name? sure

TG: the fact that were fucking twins? nope

TG: older brother exists? yeah sure that can stay

TG: his name? hell no

TG: was it dick please tell me its not dick i will throw myself out the fucking window

TT: Dirk, actually.

TG: FUCK

TG: thank fuck im not crazy you guys actually exist jfc

TT: Are you okay?

TG: im the okayest motherfucker this side of the milky way

TG: the fucking siblings i thought i dreamed up actually exists and im talking to one of them

TG: im like if okay took a physical form and that form was the coolest dude who ever fuckin existed

TG: okaying all the fuck over the place

TG: why are you asking thats a weird thing to ask

TT: No, I mean.

TT: Are you…safe, I guess?

TG: uh yeah i guess

TG: this particular motel room doesnt strike me as the cleanest but i mean at least theres no bedbugs this time

TT: You’re in a motel?

TG: yeah weve been moving around a lot lately

TT: I’d imagine so.

TT: According to the news, the old man’s been pretty busy lately.

TG: yyyyyeah

TG: i dont know whats up with that

TG: i mean i know the trolls fuckin invaded us or whatever but i was like a year old when that shit ended

TG: i dunno why he hates them so much

TG: im sure hes got his reasons maybe its all for the best but i kinda want nothing to do with that shit

TT: So you’re not involved in that stuff?

TG: i kinda get the feeling hes building up to dragging me into it but not yet no

TT: Where are you?

TG: didnt get the name of the town but i assume were still in texas

TG: thats where weve been as long as i can remember

TG: excluding the shit i remember from being with you guys

TG: like i guess that might be in texas but the memories dont feel like texas

TG: its a little too you know

TG: not the suns blistering steaming asshole

TG: i mean jesus its fuckin hot here all the time and i swear i have memories of not being miserable from the sun trying to roast us all alive

TT: We’re in upstate New York, actually.

TG: holy shit really

TT: Yeah.

TT: You got really mad once when you found out that there is no literal big apple.

TG: the fuck do you mean once im still pissed

TG: god damn big apple youd expect a place like that to specialize in fuckin aj but no its just a stupid nickname

TG: city of fuckin lies is what it is

TT: Jesus Christ.

TG: sorry except im not

TG: i take my aj fuckin seriously

TT: No, I just

TT: It’s really you, Christ.

TT: This is happening. I’m talking to my baby brother for the first time in six years, and he’s still dorkishly addicted to apple juice.

TG: fuck you aj is the nectar of the gods

TG: shit i gotta go bros back

TT: What? Why?

TG: ill be in touch when i can

TG: bro doesnt want me talking to people online anymore and im not particularly thrilled at the prospect of a strife tonight

TG: see you around

— turntechGodhead [TG] ceased pestering timaeusTestified [TT] at 9:47 PM 08/05/2011 —

TT: Wait, Dave!

TT: Shit.

— timaeusTestified [TT] began pestering ectoBiologist [EB] at 10:15 PM 08/05/2011 —

TT: Thank you.

EB: :B

— timaeusTestified [TT] ceased pestering ectoBiologist [EB] at 10:16 PM 08/05/2011 —

08/06/2011

— tentacleTherapist [TT] began pestering turntechGodhead [TG] at 10:25 AM 08/06/2011 —

TT: Dave, it’s Rose.

— turntechGodhead is offline! —

TT: Thank you, Pesterchum, for confirming the obvious.

TT: I just wanted to make sure you had my contact information as well.

TT: Dirk said he spoke to you yesterday, and I will confess that I am almost afraid to believe him.

TT: It almost hurts to hope, as cliche as that is to say.

TT: But if it’s true, and this really is you, I look forward to at least being able to talk to you again.

— tentacleTherapist [TT] ceased pestering turntechGodhead [TG] at 10:30 AM 08/06/2011 —

— turntechGodhead [TG] began pestering tentacleTherapist [TT] at 10:14 PM 08/06/2011 —

TG: rose holy shit

TG: ok first off lets talk about that fucking username

TG: what the fuck rose

TG: what the actual fuck

TT: Well, there goes any doubt as to your identity I might have had.

TG: the fucks that supposed to mean

TT: I suppose it means that I’ve missed you.

TT: This feels so surreal. Six years with you gone, and here we are, talking.

TT: And you’re the same as ever, somehow.

TG: excuse me im not the one going on the internet as some octopus in a shrink suit

TG: tentacletherapist what the actual fuck

TT: What kind of name is turntechGodhead, then?

TG: a fuckin awesome one is what

TT: Truly, it demonstrates both your nobility and your humility.

TG: you bet your ass it does

TG: the humblest fuckin guy to ever shock the fuckin world with his sick beats

TG: ill rap you under the table and be super not braggy about it

TG: sounds like a fuckin paradox but im just fuckin cool enough to pull it off

TG: be makin people drop like flies with my dope rhymes

TG: everyone be trippin over this sick beat

TG: some guy at the clubs monocle just popped out and socked him in the face

TG: like hey loser why arent you that fuckin awesome and modest

TT: I’m sorry, there’s a man in a suit and a monocle at this hypothetical club?

TG: well it wasnt a club to start with

TG: just some fancy dudes all bein posh and shit

TG: but i walked in and its a fuckin party now

TG: i didnt even have to start rappin i just set foot in the place and it all lights the fuck up

TG: glowsticks are popping into existence to get the rave going and half the posh dudes immediately start fuckin grinding

TG: and im like yo i only wanted to grab one of your weird sandwiches and leave but yall gotta be like this

TG: cant a guy just go somewhere without the party starting on me

TT: How dreadful it must be, to be such a majestic being!

TG: its a curse i must bear

TG: heavy is the crown

TT: I’m sorry to change the subject to something very strange, but I have an odd favor to ask.

TG: yeah shoot

TT: Your friend, John, provided one of your “ironic selfies” to Dirk to try and confirm your identity to him.

TT: Would it be possible to get one with the irony turned down a few notches?

TT: And possibly minus the shades?

TG: woah what why

TT: It’s…

TT: Our mother misses you too, Dave. She’s been devastated ever since we lost you.

TG: oh

TT: I think it would do her some good to at least know what you look like, now.

TT: The only existing pictures of you we have are so old.

TG: yeah

TG: yeah i can do that hold up

— turntechGodhead sent a file: boringasfuckselfie.jpg —

TT: Thank you.

TT: Here’s a recent picture of myself and Dirk, by the by.

TT: Fair trade.

— tentacleTherapist sent a file: EquallyBoring.jpg —

TG: well shit

TG: dirks hair somehow got even more bullshit anime

TG: i thought i was definitely fucking imagining that part but nope

TT: It is pretty bullshit.

TT: He goes through a lot of hair gel.

TG: hahahaha

TG: rose

TG: rose hey rose

TT: I’m still here, Dave. What is it?

TG: rose were twins

TT: We are, yes.

TG: im still fucking losing it over that okay

TG: bro never fuckin talks about you guys and he got mad at me for asking too much years back so i stopped

TG: but i swear ive always had this feeling like i definitely wasnt an only child and i remembered you strongest

TG: dont tell dirk that but i did

TG: its like

TG: i was so sure i musta dreamed you guys up but youre real and i have a twin im a fuckin twin rose

TT: While I can’t completely relate, as our mother never made any secret of your existence and Dirk remembered you quite clearly, I can at least connect to the surrealism of this experience.

TT: I’m almost afraid I’m going to wake up and be left bereft.

TG: fuck i wanna keep talking but bros gonna be home any minute

TT: Do you need to sign off for the night?

TG: yeah

TG: dont wanna get in trouble

TG: i am pretty much directly disobeying him right now

TT: Any idea when you’ll  be able to get online next?

TG: no

TG: ill talk to you whenever im on though

TT: Take care.

TG: you too

TG: miss you like hell

— turntechGodhead [TG] ceased pestering tentacleTherapist [TT] at 11:25 PM 08/06/2011 —

12/03/2011

— turntechGodhead [TG] began pestering tentacleTherapist [TT] at 10:45 PM 12/03/2011 —

— TG sent TT a file: happyfuckignbIRTH.gif —

TT: The sentiment is appreciated, but you’re a day early.

TG: what

TG: but

TG: were twins

TG: its my birthday

TT: Yes, well.

TT: You managed to claw your way into the world thirteen minutes before I did.

TT: And as it just so happens, that thirteen minute period straddled the chiming of midnight.

TT: As such, your birthday is technically the day before mine.

TG: wait im the older twin

TG: holy shit i didnt see that coming

TT: I don’t see how it matters very much.

TG: now listen here you whippersnapper

TT: Hush.

TG: as much as id love to lord it up i really cant talk much

TG: im pretty much just droppin that file and running

TT: Well, before you go.

TT: I’ve no such masterpiece prepared, myself, but.

TT: I hope you’ve had a happy birthday.

TG: eh its been alright i guess

TG: enjoy your early present you lucky motherfucker i gotta go

— turntechGodhead [TG] ceased pestering tentacleTherapist [TT] at 10:47 PM 12/03/2011 —

12/15/2011

— turntechGodhead [TG] began pestering timaeusTestified [TT] at 11:29 PM 12/15/2011 —

TG: dirk

TG: dude are you there it says youre online but im pretty sure its like

TG: after midnight where you are

TT: About half an hour before, actually.

TG: thank fuck

TT: What’s up?

TG: remember how i said back when we first talked that bro wasnt making me tag along with his fuckin

TG: weird bullshit fight the trolls business

TT: Has that changed?

TG: he made me help him yesterday

TG: im still fuckin shaking i dont know what to do

TG: im sure hes got whatever reasons for doing this shit but i cant

TG: he killed some of them dirk

TG: i watched people die yesterday i dont know what to do

TG: i dont wanna fuckin hurt anyone even if they are aliens

TT: We need to get you the fuck out of there.

TT: Is there any way you can get away from him? I can look up bus schedules, or, shit, hit up the blogs and see if anyone can drive you up here.

TG: dude no

TG: im freakin out but i cant fuckin abandon him hes still family

TT: Dave, he kidnapped you. You realize that, right?

TG: what

TT: He has no legal custody over you.

TG: hes my dad though

TT: He’s a man with no legal rights to your care, who is now actively forcing you to participate in acts of incredible violence against an entire group of people.

TT: That’s fucked up, even if they did technically invade us, once.

TG: dude no its

TG: im fine i just needed to talk to someone and rose is offline

TT: She’s asleep.

TT: I’m not budging on this, though.

TT: You need to get the fuck out of there. He’s going to get you killed.

TG: i can protect my fuckin self thanks

TG: i dont wanna kill anyone but that doesnt mean i cant fight fuck you

TT: That’s not what I meant.

— turntechGodhead [TG] ceased pestering timaeusTestified [TT] at 11:57 PM 12/15/2011 —

05/15/2012

— turntechGodhead [TG] began pestering gardenGnostic [GG] at 9:13 PM 05/14/2012 —

TG: hey are you awake

GG: :o

GG: i think i should be asking you that mr night owl!

GG: isnt it like three in the morning where you are?

TG: sleep is for the weak

TG: and for weird girls with medical conditions i guess

GG: hehe

GG: what have you even been up to lately? i havent heard from you in like a week and you talk to me super late!

TG: yeah sorry bros had me busy

TG: doing

TG: stuff

TG: you know what lets not talk about that

TG: as you pointed out it is the asscrack of the morning out here

TG: if im gonna be awake anyway im not spending it talking about that bullshit

GG: has he been running you ragged again? thats awful!

TG: alright fuck well i guess we are talking about it

TG: hes not

TG: putting me at the front of things anymore thank fuck

TG: i think he just gave up on trying to make me do some of the really intense shit at least for now

TG: but hes still expecting me to do shit behind the scenes

TG: cut power

TG: sneak in and unlock doors

TG: shit like that

TG: and hes been watching me like a fuckin hawk i havent been able to get online at all until now so thats why ive been absent

GG: :(

GG: well im glad to hear from you even if it is really late!

TG: yeah

TG: ass o clock or not its nice to fuckin

TG: just talk to someone for a while

TG: dunno why bros gotta be such an asshole i mean i know hes paranoid about us getting caught but its not like the police are gonna have any fuckin idea my shitty pesterchum account is related to the stuff hes doing

TG: like fuck off dude let me talk to my friends

GG: yeah!! >:B

TG: so hey on this latest mission i saw a dude in a fursuit and thought of you

TG: theres no conventions going on right now that im aware of or anything he just decided he was gonna walk around in a fucking animal suit

TG: was the most surreal thing i saw today

TG: and i literally see aliens on a pretty regular fucking basis so thats saying a lot

GG: pfft!

GG: dave i told you i have no interest in fursuits

TG: yeah i know youre too hardcore furry to be able to settle for something like that

TG: you weirdo

GG: says the guy who collects dead things

TG: shut up my dead shit collection is certified off the wall amazing

TG: had an expert in awesome things come by and personally give me the certificate

TG: showed up and went holy shit

TG: thats a rad ass collection of dead shit

TG: heres your certificate let me grovel at your feet

TG: let me bow before its magnificence

GG: lol dave

GG: it is pretty awesome but it is weird too!

GG: the two are not mutually exclusive silly

GG: …dave?

GG: it says you’ve been typing for like twenty minutes now :o

—turntechGodhead [TG] is an idle chum! —

GG: dave??

GG: are you okay?

GG: did you fall asleep?

GG: thats really cute if you did but you need to be careful!

GG: your bros gonna be really mad if he catches you talking to me

GG: …….he didnt catch you did he?

GG: dave?????

— turntechGodhead [TG] ceased pestering gardenGnostic [GG] at 10:25 PM 05/14/2012 —

GG: oh no

— turntechGodhead [TG] is offline! —

GG: D:

06/23/2012

—timaeusTestified [TT] began pestering gallowsCalibrator [GC] at 3:17 PM 06/23/2012 —

— timaeusTestified sent a file: EB1.txt —

— timaeusTestified sent a file: socool.jpg —

— timaeusTestified sent a file: TG/Dirk1.txt —

— timaeusTestified sent a file: TG/Dirk2.txt —

— timaeusTestified sent a file: TG/Dirk3.txt —

— timaeusTestified sent a file: TG/Rose1.txt —

— timaeusTestified sent a file: boringasfuckselfie.jpg —

— timaeusTestified sent a file: EquallyBoring.jpg —

— timaeusTestified sent a file: TG/Rose2.txt —

— timaeusTestified sent a file: TG/Rose3.txt —

— timaeusTestified sent a file: TG/Rose4.txt —

— timaeusTestified sent a file: TG/Rose5.txt —

— timaeusTestified sent a file: TG/Rose6.txt —

— timaeusTestified sent a file: TG/GG1.txt —

TT: There’s everything Rose and I have been able to scrounge up between the two of us, plus gardenGnostic’s last conversation with him.

TT: She was the last person to talk to him.

TT: EB and GG are both going to see if they have any other logs saved with him. I can send them to you, or they can send them directly.

TT: They might have more than me or Rose. They’ve both known Dave since he was ten, apparently.

GC: 4LR1GHT

GC: G1V3 M3 4 B1T TO R34D THROUGH TH3S3

GC: 1M GO1NG TO H4V3 TO H4V3 MY COMPUT3R GUY GO 1NTO YOUR 4CCOUNTS TO V3R1FY TH4T TH3S3 4R3 L3G1T

TT: That’s fine.

TT: I mean, I can’t speak for GG or EB, but I don’t have a problem with it.

TT: Are you going to be able to get at the existing police files on him?

TT: This whole business with the old man meant that we couldn’t get the police to take any of this stuff when it was going on. They just said that there was nothing they could do.

TT: Out of their hands, they said.

TT: And apparently the people whose hands it was in didn’t particularly care about Dave’s involvement.

GC: Y34H, MOST OF TH3 TROLLS UP 4T TH3 TOP WH3N 1T COM3S TO 1NT3RSP3C13S CR1M1N4L PROC33D1NGS DONT R34LLY G3T YOUR W31RD HUM4N F4M1LY UN1TS

GC: OR HOW S3R1OUSLY YOU GUYS T4K3 PROT3CT1NG YOUR YOUNG

GC: 1 M34N 1 DONT R34LLY G3T 1T 31TH3R

GC: 1T DO3SNT M4K3 MUCH S3NS3 TO M3

GC: BUT 4T L34ST 1 K33P 1N M1ND TH4T 1T 1S 4CTU4LLY 4 TH1NG

GC: 1 M34N G33Z

GC: SOM3ON3 H3R3 N33DS TO B3 CULTUR4LLY S3NS1T1V3

GC: 4LL JOK1NG 4SID3

GC: DONT YOU WORRY 1 W1LL F1ND 4 W4Y TO G3T 4T THOS3 F1L3S WH3TH3R TH3 H1GH3R UPS W4NT M3 TO OR NOT >:]

TT: Sounds like the legends are true, then.

GC: L3G3NDS?

TT: Word on the street is that you’re something of a bloodhound.

TT: That you don’t give up on a case you’ve taken, no matter how little you have to work with or how bad it gets.

GC: H3H3H3H3H3H3

TT: That’s why I brought this to you.

TT: Everyone else has given up on Dave, it seems.

TT: You’re the best hope we’ve got of finding him, at this point. Thank you for that, by the way.

GC: 1 M34N

GC: DONT G3T M3 WRONG, YOU BROUGHT M3 1NTO TH1S FOR A SP3C1F1C PURPOS3 4ND 1 1NT3ND TO S33 TH4T PURPOS3 THROUGH

GC: BUT MY PR1M4RY GO4L H3R3 IS TO G3T MY B1G BR34K

GC: TH1S 1S 4 R34LLY GOOD 4NGL3 TO H4V3 ON TH3 STR1D3R C4SE

GC: 4ND 1 4M CR4CK1NG 1T OP3N 4ND M4K1NG MY M4RK

TT: Yeah, I know.

TT: I’m not under any sort of illusions here. You’ve got your own ulterior motives for taking this case, especially considering we’re basically paying you on the combined allowances of two literal children.

TT: That doesn’t change the fact that you’re still the first person outside our family to put serious effort into finding Dave in a long time.

TT: Ulterior motives or not,

TT: That’s a really big deal to us.

TT: So, again: Thank you.

GC: >:]

GC: 4LR1GHT TH4TS 3NOUGH B31NG S4PPY

GC: 1 GOT 4 JOB TO DO

GC: 1 W1LL TRY TO K33P YOU POSTED

— gallowsCallibrator [GC] ceased trolling timaeusTestified [TT] —

[mllemaenad]

Personally... I feel that WEaWH tries to remove itself from TME because it realizes that TME is fucking irredeemable garbage, and tries to make its WLW representation less appalling. So I'm entirely willing to overlook continuity errors for the sake of one relationship between women in the entire series that can go well.

I’m sorry, but I don’t believe that. I’m not going to argue with you on the merits of The Masked Empire, as you’re entitled to like or dislike any media you choose, but I don’t think Bioware is trying to distance itself from the novel. I also don’t think their motive is positive representation, or that they’re seriously suggesting a happy ending. However, even if they were I would call the choice to reunite Celene and Briala without any serious examination of the issues that drove them apart … disquieting.

1) On distancing themselves from the novel.

To begin with the obvious, several of the Dragon Age novels provide not only context for the quests in Inquisition, but also promotional material maintaining audience interest between games.

It’s hardly an accident that Asunder is a prequel to In Hushed Whispers/Champions of the Just, The Masked Empire is a prequel to Wicked Eyes and Wicked Hearts (as well as giving you a roundabout introduction to Solas) and Last Flight provides you with some context on why Weisshaupt is just no help at all during Here Lies the Abyss.

They do kind of want you to buy all their stuff. And if you started with Inquisition and liked what you saw, they want you to run back and buy all the earlier stuff for context. Video game tie-in novels aren’t generally considered high art, so they’d need serious reasons to want to reject the novel as part of their canon. Just in case, I checked The Masked Empire’s Amazon page, and it’s currently got 4.4 stars – so it doesn’t look like something they’d be particularly desperate to ignore. They’d rather you bought it and gave them money.

To move more to the specific, the game references the novel constantly. In addition to devoting a whole main quest to resolving its plot, it also includes cameos from Mihris, Michel and Imshael, which really serve no other purpose than to provide a bit of closure to the people who read the novel and wondered what became of them. This is actually more than it provides for, say, the characters of Asunder: Rhys and Evangeline appear only in a war table mission, Adrian doesn’t appear at all – and who knows where Shale has wandered off to.

It also references the murder of Briala’s parents directly:

Cole: She’s still behind the curtains in the reading room, watching the blood pool on the floor.

Briala pulled the red velvet curtain aside. Her hands shook as she did. There was a pool of red on the floor of the reading room, staining the rich Nevarran carpet. It had spread almost to the curtain.

At the other end of the pool were Briala’s parents.

– The Masked Empire

If they really wanted to distance themselves from The Masked Empire, they wouldn’t put that in there. If they wanted to say that that this didn’t happen, they’d have retconned the story – or at the very least not mentioned it.

In fact, the choice of words is particularly distressing. Cole senses pain. When he says Briala is ‘still behind the curtains’ he’s emphasising that the trauma and anguish are still very much with her, making a reconciliation, particularly a reconciliation that utterly fails to address a thing that they have confirmed happened, even stranger.

 I would say that one motive for their choice to reconcile the two characters is simplicity. I like parts of Inquisition, but honestly it’s over ambitious. They set up a series of continent-wide catastrophes, each one intensely political: the mage rebellion, the Orlesian civil war, the collapse of the Chantry.

Each one probably requires its own game for a satisfactory solution. I realise they were probably going for something similar to the galaxy-wide political collapse in Mass Effect 3, but the Dragon Age games are at a serious disadvantage because they lack continuity of characters.

Mass Effect 3 had its own problems, of course, but for example – I think most people have fun curing the genophage for the krogan. But what they remember is Mordin Solus and ‘There’s a reaper in my way, Wrex!’ When it worked it was able to build on characters who were present across the series.

Inquisition is faced with trying to find resolutions for groups of people that have no direct connection to each other, and whom the protagonist has never seen before (even if they player has). This is hardly the only time their attempt to fix everything in a single quest ends up making no sense.

2) On positive representation

I’m afraid I don’t think what we get in Wicked Eyes and Wicked Hearts is especially positive. I think it’s … kind of infantilising, really, and has a whiff of sexism about it. I mean – again, I’m not asking you to like The Masked Empire. But this:

“It would have been a locked suite in the palace for a few years, nothing more!” Celene kept her voice low, aware that Michel and Felassan had stopped planning and were looking their way. “It would have changed nothing for us.”

“Your hair still stinks of the smoke from the people you burned,” Briala said. “That is a change.”

The dead leaves crackled under Celene’s feet as she stepped forward. “How many wars can our empire survive in such a short time? I wanted my legacy to be the university, the beauty and culture that made us the envy of the world. Instead I may be known as the empress under whom Orlais fell. You have the luxury of mourning Halamshiral’s elves and holding my heart hostage. Sitting on my throne, I see every city in the empire. If I must burn one to save the rest, I will weep, but I will light the torch.”

Briala swallowed. “You’re not weeping, as far as I can tell. Nor are you sitting on your throne. She stepped away, her movements fast and jerky. “With your permission, Your Radiance, I shall go indulge myself in my luxury.”

– The Masked Empire

… is at least an argument between adults, with the details of what they believe laid out. Celene honestly believes that the empire and her legacy are worth 'a few thousand elven lives’: she believes that maintaining the strength of Orlais is worth thousands of lives in sacrifice, as is the vision she has for the country’s future. Briala is facing up to the fact that this is the bargain she’s made: stay with Celene and she might see an elven scholar graduate from the university – but she’ll likely also see elves burn every time there’s a crisis, because elves are the most expendable people in the empire.

Briala wavers throughout the novel, obviously, because there is genuine feeling between herself and Celene. But the discovery that this has all happened before, that this is not the first time Celene has shed elven blood to impress her rivals and gain power, and that her own parents were among the victims, brings her to a decision.

You don’t have to like it, but these women are serious about what they want and believe.

But in Wicked Eyes and Wicked Hearts we get stuff like this:

Sera: Elves-elves-elves, but it’s really a pissing match with an old lover. Don’t know the rest but that explains a lot.

It’s hardly coincidental that they chose Sera to say this. Sera the commoner, who despises the nobility. Sera the Red Jenny, with contacts in every corner of Thedas. True, Sera’s background has led her to reject a lot of elven culture, but her biggest objection is usually to ‘moping’ about the past. This:

Briala thought for a moment. “Celene and Gaspard saw an army, but that would be fighting their fight. With the paths, I could get food to alienages where elves would otherwise starve. They would let me move ahead of an oncoming army and warn the target, or move behind them and attack their supply lines.”

– The Masked Empire

… sounds more like the practical stuff she favours: she’s said getting revenge would be a preferable option, and this is getting food to the poor, terrorising the nobility and giving little people a shot at being part of something bigger. But now we can’t take it seriously, because Sera has reduced it to a lovers’ tiff.

That isn’t meant as a criticism of Sera, to be clear. They do this when they want a mouthpiece. This is the equivalent of having Cole approve of Cullen.

And as for it going well, this is their epilogue slide:

Where once war raged, there is now a shaky peace. Orlais is resurgent, the empress a patron of arts and culture.

Many attribute this recovery to her lady love, though others wonder how long their reunion will truly last.

– Epilogue (Inquisition)

I mean – maybe they’ll forget about this. They have been known to forget their epilogue slides. But it doesn’t read as though the intent was to write a strong and loving partnership. Rather it looks as though they are selling the relationship as tempestuous.

That’s one place where I am very uncomfortable. This is the revolt of an oppressed people, and the politics an empire. And there’s a sense that they’re saying ‘Oh, those women and their emotions! Today they love each other; tomorrow they’ll hate each other; the day after they’ll probably love each other again. You never know, with women.’

I appreciate that Bioware is fairly progressive, for a game company: the character choices, the romance options, the NPCs – they are trying to represent a variety of races, genders and sexualities. But it doesn’t mean they never fuck up. I mean, there’s a bit in Mark of the Assassin where Isabela tells Hawke that Gamlen has been sexually harassing her and two responses blame her (You find something inappropriate?/Break him. And wear pants.).

Given that they are already struggling to resolve a massive plotline in a ridiculous amount of time, I’m not surprised they fell back on this. It’s narrative shorthand, and that can be handy for desperate situations. But it’s still sexist shorthand, and I very much wish they hadn’t done it.

3) Removing The Masked Empire from the equation doesn’t solve the problem

I mean, it makes some of the bigger issues like Briala’s dead parents a little easier to miss, sure, but it doesn’t make the problems go away.

I appreciate that representation is important. I do. But romantic relationships between women are not the only representation issue at stake, here. There’s no single source for the elven people, of course, but it’s easy enough to see that Bioware has borrowed from the experiences of Jewish, Romani and aboriginal peoples living under empires and/or colonialism.

And have we ever established that it is shit to be an elf. The city elf origin story in Origins is an abduction/rape/murder combo. The Dalish clans in Origins and DA2 can be slaughtered. It’s terrifyingly easy to kill off clan Lavellan in war table missions, and even though this is the protagonist’s family the game doesn’t make a thing of it. There’s a whole side quest in DA2 about a serial killer who targets elves, and who keeps getting away with it because no one gives a shit. We are up to our eyeballs in codex entries on the treatment of elves.

And here we have Briala, the leader of a rebellion in Orlais – one of the nations best known for oppressing the fuck out of the elves and trying to destroy their culture.

Even without The Masked Empire this is:

a) providing only the most minimal description of the nature of her rebellion and what she hopes to achieve.

b)allowing her to be dismissed as primarily involved in a lovers’ tiff.

c) pairing her with a woman the game actually says massacred the Halamshiral elves.

d) using the massacre as evidence against her because she was sleeping with Celene, rather than as evidence against the woman who actually committed it.

That’s … all pretty shitty, even at the simplest level. The game doesn’t address any of this. It doesn’t even force the characters to discuss what happened before throwing them back together. It spends as much time tsking at Briala for destabilising Orlais as it does Celene and Gaspard. It loves the idea that they’re all as bad as each other – which allows the player to justify just about any ending.

And this is a thing they do repeatedly: they tsk at the mage rebellion as well. They seem to be very good at describing the sufferings of the elves, the mages, the casteless dwarves … but don’t approve of them actually doing anything about their oppression. At least not anything more forceful than writing a stern letter of complaint (for those lucky literate characters!) to the local lord or revered mother.

And so minimising the problems of Celene and Briala’s relationship, and waving a locket around (which, even out of context, does not seem like a forceful enough declaration of love to startle Briala) does … not strike me as very respectful of peoples who have suffered under empires, and who have had to fight tooth and nail for every sliver of justice.

It’s not that I want to exclude a healthy, positive romance between two women in order to have Awesome Revolutionary Briala. I just don’t understand why we couldn’t have both.

Couldn’t Briala show up with a new girlfriend? Do it properly: give her a codex entry and make her active and important in the quest. Show the two of them both being affectionate and working together for the cause. Make sure that at least some of the possible quest endings leave them alive, together and continuing to better the lot of the elves.

I can understand that you may not like The Masked Empire and may want to exclude it from your personal headcanon. That’s absolutely fine, obviously. But I do not believe that was Bioware’s intent in writing the the Briala-and-Celene reconciliation, and I still have serious issues with it.