#take care of yourself its the best way of standing up to patriarchy and beauty standards
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honestly it frustrates me so much that exercising and eating well and getting enough sleep truly are one of the best things you can do for your mental health, but most of us has such a damaged and skewed relationship with those things because of the things we've been hearing since childhood.
when we're told to work out its usually not in a "move your body in ways that feels good and is enjoyable" but in a "work out so you can fit into this unnatainable beauty standard that will change in a few years anyway". when we're told to eat healthy were not being taught how to balance our diet so that we have energy and enjoy food. instead we're told to count calories and cut down on sugar and carbs.
we're not being taught to love ourselves and take care of ourselves. we're being taught self hate and self sabotage instead.
and that makes me so mad.
#disordered eating mention#and obviously im not talking about those poeple who tell you to go on a run to cure your depression or anything#but yeah going outside and moving your body and eating well and sleeping enough and hanging out with people you love#are one of the best ways of taking care of yourself#take it from me a psych student with adhd and depression who needs daily walks and regular yoga workouts to function#and meds. cant forget the meds#mental health#mental health talk#take care of yourself its the best way of standing up to patriarchy and beauty standards
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Powerful Ch. 1
Yakuza! Shouta Aizawa x Fem! Reader
*Mafia AU* Quirkless as well
Warnings: Arranged (sort of) marriage, brief mention of champagne, mentions of violence (nothing too specific). In later chapters:Â Probably smut
Word Count: 3.4 k
Authorâs Note: ALRIGHTY here we go. I just had a fixation on Mafia AUs and, of course, itâs Shouta. What else did you expect? Iâm a sucker for arranged relationships. Also heâs a little ooc in here, more confident, more âI want it I got itâ. Hey, heâs the most powerful man in Japan, might as well have him act like it right? Anywho, I have no clue how many chapters thisâll end up being. Letâs just say this is ongoing for now.
Chapter 2Â - Chapter 3Â - Chapter 4
Enjoy~
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25 years old and you havenât been married off yet. This was strategic on your fatherâs part. As a rather low-ranking clan heâd purposely saved you, his eldest daughter, for marrying into a higher ranked clan. Youâd bring immense honor to the family name. If only youâd known what you were getting into, maybe you could have been better prepared for your world to flip on its head.
The black velvet gown you wear is tailored perfectly to your form, accentuating every curve and dip on your body. The skirt fanned out around you gracefully and a short train trailed behind you as you stepped through the grand doors of the massive mansion. Tonight is the annual celebratory ball, held to celebrate successful unions and achievements. This one was particularly special, you just didnât quite know it yet.
Since the event wasnât mandatory, you were told to go in alone as a representative of your clan, while Mother and Father attended to more important matters. Before you even stepped in you fixed your posture and schooled your expression, keeping your form humbled. Heavens know what could happen should you irk the wrong clan.
Inside you were met with an onslaught of mixed everything, mixed drinks and colors and styles. Some wore traditional Japanese kimono, others more modern versions of the garment and others, like you, wearing more extravagant european or western style clothing. Though a rather interesting mix, nothing quite clashed which you were slightly grateful for, since there was no possible way you could make it through the night without a headache if there was an unpleasant mix of visuals.
You strode through and instantly met several lower clan heads that you respectfully bowed to and engaged in pleasant small talk with, moving from person to person, couple to couple and paying respects to all of them. You kept a small smile, a pleasant facade as you waltzed over the hardwood flooring. It took almost two hours of endless conversation before you managed to catch a break in the madness, snatching a small flute of champagne from a waiter and leaning up against a wall for a breath.Â
You still hadnât noticed the pair of dark eyes that studied you from the moment you arrived.
____
You struck him as intriguing at first. From the moment you walked over the threshold his eyes drank you in, studying you, observing and judging just as he had with many other women before you. No one here knows it, but the man is looking for a bride. Someone who could stand by his side,improve and uphold his image, help him wield the power that is the Yakuza. Yes, rank is important, but Shouta is too picky to care about rank. He is looking for a specific type of woman, one that can hold untold depths of power without crumbling under the pressure or getting swept up in the rush of it all.
A woman, he decides, like you.
You held yourself with grace, pride and humility. You seemed to understand your position, your probable low rank, while also not undermining your importance nor worth. A woman like you is hard to come by in this world, most just as power hungry and ruthless and greedy as their husbands, all while putting up a cotton candy sweet mask and using it to disguise their conniving ways.Â
But in truth, thatâs what it took to live this kind of life, isnât it?
It was clear you knew that, while still managing to feel genuine in everything you did, even with an action as simple as sipping champagne. At the same time he canât deny you are quite beautiful, soft lips and softer eyes, fingers gently grasping your glass with unmatched elegance and an unwavering strength in your posture. Youâd bowed before many this evening, and yet you stood taller than even the highest ranking clan heads without challenging a single one of them. Bamboo in this forest of tall, unyielding trees. Capable of wielding so much power.
For a split second his mind wandered to other things, filthy moments shared in the privacy of his chambers, shared breaths and shimmering sweaty skin. He wondered what you would be like underneath him, if you would be a brat or willingly submit yourself to him. He hopes it to be the latter, but wouldnât completely deny the chance to tame someone difficult. How would you look pinned under his weight, completely helpless to his hands that have killed and tortured? Would you claw at his shoulders or grip the sheets instead? What would you sound like? Your image plagued his mind even if only for a moment.
Heâd studied many women over the few hours since the event started, none of them giving him a good enough first impression for him to continue watching further than a minute. There was no question in his mind now. Youâd be returning home with him tonight.
____
You had just finished your drink and set the empty glass on a passing waiterâs tray when suddenly the ballroom fell extremely silent. All heads turned, eyes focused on the man that began his descent from the balcony overlooking the floor. Heâs gorgeous, long black hair pulled into a low bun and exposing the light scruff on his chin and impossibly sharp jaw, a deep scar curved under his right eye. The full black satin suit is fitted to his form, strong shoulders and rolling muscle evident even under the thick materials. Ink peeked over the collar, a hint at what was definitely intricate sleeves and detailed artwork. His steps were measured, calculated and purposeful as he made his way down and across the floor, the entire room bowing down at his presence.Â
You know who he is, as does every person here. Top rung of the ladder, Oyabun of the most powerful clan in Japan, his name widely known through the entire organization and yet almost never spoken. Shouta Aizawa, a name both respected and feared, holding unknown power and strength. His reputation is enough to make anyone feel small in his presence, known for his cold demeanor and the violence heâd committed, many losing their fingers, loved ones, and their own lives for misdeeds against him. Heâd done most of that himself, marking him as a very dangerous man to be involved with, and an ally everyone wanted backing them.
You bowed down respectfully just as everyone else did, waiting patiently for a release, whether it was from the man himself or a collective understanding that it was alright to rise once again. The former was the first to come to fruition, though you didnât expect him to be so close to you as he said it. Your eyes met with sharp onyx as you fixed yourself upright. It made you freeze in place, not quite tense, not quite relaxed, your expression hopefully not showing the utter shock you were feeling.
âWhat is your name?â You blinked only once before your mind caught up, and you willed your voice steady as you responded. What had you done to piss him off? What punishment awaited you for what you didnât know youâd done? Despite fearing what may come, you donât dare speak out of turn, even to beg for your life. His next words were addressed to the entire ballroom, you included, his smooth, deep voice booming out and yet somehow not loud at all.
âAny transgression against this woman is a transgression against me. As my future wife she is untouchable, and will remain that way until I explicitly state otherwise.â A collective hushed gasp sounded through the massive hall, your own eyes growing wide and your heart damn near stopping as your brain dissected the information. He just made you his fiance, with no warning, no hesitation, and full confidence. You are now engaged to the most powerful man in Japan, and you have exactly zero say in the matter. Really though, you never expected to be able to voice any opinions considering the patriarchy of the organization, so that bit of shock was quickly overlooked.
âItâs time to retire, little one.â His hand was held out to you, waiting for your own. You blinked, deciding it was best that you saved your shock for later you focused on the here and now and what to do in this moment. Taking a breath, you schooled your face into a pleasant smile and placed your hand in his waiting palm, allowing him to tuck you into his side as you both walked out the front doors and climbed into a black limouzine.
You didnât allow yourself to relax, sitting silently next to the man as trees and telephone poles whizzed by the vehicle. It was tense, to say the least, his hand possessively sat on your knee as his eyes remained fixed in front of him and yours did the same. Neither of you talked, you slightly out of fear, of respect, and slightly out of sheer shock, your mind just barely able to keep itself together. He remained silent for a purpose. He would talk when you were alone, or when he felt like talking. Which isnât right now.
You let your mind whirl a bit, worrying about what this meant for you. Worrying about how this powerful man would treat you, how he acted behind closed doors and if he even cared about you or what you might have to say. Itâs nerve-wracking, suddenly bound to a power such as him, not knowing what could happen next, not knowing what to do next. There was nothing that could have prepared you for this.
The car slowed as it pulled up to the gate of the enormous estate, shaking you out of your thoughts, and once it opened the drive to the main house took nearly five minutes on its own. Itâs a modern home, several stories tall with the top clearly penthouse-style with a full glass wall that overlooks the landscape, the rest of the huge inner home hidden behind crisp walls.
At a full stop, a man opens the door for you, the Oyabun having already exited and held a hand out for you to grab once again, strong muscles pulling you up with ease and leading you through the building and into an elevator. The silence is stifling as you wait for the machine to come to a stop, the soft chime indicating youâve landed.Â
Now youâre completely alone with him.
He leads you in and stops in the center of the large main room, stepping away and turning his scrutinizing gaze onto you. You do your best not to tense in front of him, not to show fear, partially for his comfort though youâre sure heâs used to it. His shoes clack softly, rhythmically on the polished wood floor as he begins to circle you, like a predator eyeing its prey, eyes burning paths up and down your form. You barely keep from squirming under his intense gaze, managing to keep still from sheer willpower. He stops suddenly behind you and you feel his warmth as he leans in close before a hand presses into your mid back and another gently grasps your shoulder, gently making you straighten even more, stand even taller.
Once heâs satisfied with your posture he rounds you and tilts your chin just a tad higher with a hooked finger. Heâs silent as he shapes you, adjusting your body to his liking. You let him tenderly push and tug, grab and knead and trail those deadly fingers over you until he stops before you, studying you once again.Â
âYouâre my fiance now. You will hold yourself as such, radiate power as I do and command the attention of a room with only a glance.â The reminder of just what was happening made your breath stutter a little, and his hand came up to grasp your chin, making you look up into his dark eyes.
âYou will learn, little one, to be the powerful woman I see.â He was so close, the heat from his body rolling over your skin and his breaths fanning over your face. Then he was walking away, motioning for you to follow as he led you to his chambers and bathroom to get cleaned up. Youâd be sleeping with him from now on, he said, handing you a robe to change into after youâve bathed and guiding you into the bathroom before closing the door and leaving you alone with your thoughts as you set to cleaning yourself.
Given you donât screw things up, you are going to be the most powerful woman in Japan, solely because of a sudden arranged marriage dropped seemingly from out of nowhere. But the longer you think about it, it isnât really out of nowhere is it? The Oyabun is 30 now, and until tonight hadnât named a wife, nor any love interests, and therefore no possible heirs. If the man were to die for any reason, those chances only increasing the older he gets, the power vacuum his absence would create would be absolute madness. Youâre part of a strategy, just as before. Just as always.
Yet there was no denying heâd struck something inside you. Of all the women in that hall he approached you, a woman he didnât know from a low ranked clan, for reasons you could only barely begin to guess. Heâd called you powerful earlier, the sincerity in his voice making your mind spin. Did he really see you as powerful? And the name heâd used for you felt far too tender on the tongue of such a dangerous man, though you understood the nod toward your previous rank.Â
Father and Mother must be either confused, shocked, or overflowing with joy right about now. Confused as to why you havenât returned, shocked, happy, or both at the news had they learned it. With your mind processing everything, your body finally begins to feel fatigued.Â
You shut off the water before drying yourself, patting your hair in the towel before pulling on the fluffy robe. It was clearly meant for him, the fuzzy black garment large around the shoulders and sleeves engulfing your hands, the garment nearly touching the floor where itâs meant to hang several inches from it on his frame. Despite swimming in the robe, you couldnât help but feel a bit vulnerable. Youâre bare beneath it, not having planned to not return home. Still, itâs late, and the Oyabun needs to shower as well. With a steadying breath, you step out into the room.
Heâs standing near the bed, the top half of his clothing discarded and bare skin exposed, along with the heavy tattooing and scars along his body. Dragon scales decorated his skin, along with delicate swirls heavily resembling smoke and clouds that followed the curves of his corded muscles. He is undoubtedly a beautiful man. You donât realize youâre staring until a miniscule smirk tugs at the corner of his mouth.
âEnjoying the view, little one?â You blink away your daze and shift your eyes to the side, feeling the slight burn in your face at being caught. Instead of answering the cheeky question you choose to change the subject.
âIâm finished with my shower, Oyabun.â He hums, a low sound you can feel in your chest.
âI can see that, little one. And you call me Shouta.â You take a quiet, sharp inhale and nod.
âYes, of course...Shouta.â His name feels heavy on your tongue, a name that people didnât normally dare speak. Heâs silent as he gathers his things and moves toward the bathroom, stopping momentarily by your side. Youâre confused a moment before his calloused fingers gently grip your jaw and turn your head, his lips pressing softly against your temple for a split second before heâs disappearing into the bathroom.Â
You stand in shock, the tender touch unexpected. Shaking your head, you decide itâs best to lay down. Hopefully youâd fall asleep by the time he finishes bathing, but you doubted it. Youâre proven right when, in the midst of mulling over your own thoughts, he emerges in nothing but sweatpants, dark hair still damp as it fell around his shoulders. You managed to avert your eyes before he could catch you staring for a second time tonight, and it wasnât long before he slipped under the blankets next to you.
There wasnât a single word shared between you as he flicked off the lights with a remote and settled into the plush mattress. There was no movement from the man as you lay with your back to him. You arenât entirely sure if the lack of movement unsettles you more than if he were to be shuffling around. It felt like hours had passed in the darkness, your eyes had adjusted and you couldnât sleep despite how exhausted you felt.Â
Your mind raced with questions. What happens now? What happens with your clan and parents? Would you have clothes soon? How would he treat you? How were you supposed to act around him? When is the wedding? Is the engagement already official? What if you disappoint him and fuck everything over? The entire situation makes you anxious, for more than something as trivial as your own safety. You shift onto your back and listen to Shoutaâs soft snores, signaling his sleep. As silently and gently as you can, you slip out of bed.
You have no clue what you were going to do or where you were going to do it, but you had to get away from him if only for a moment, to let yourself breathe and think. Almost mindlessly, you find yourself staring out of the glass wall and out into the night. This far out, you can see the stars in the night sky clear and bright, and it was a sight you missed having lived in the city most of your life. Right here you have room to think, space to spread your thoughts and calm your mind to keep from jumbling everything in your brain and stressing over it more.Â
From what you can tell there is a very small chance Shouta would treat you maliciously, so for now you donât have to worry about that. Considering his power and status, you wonât be without clothing for long. The thought was silly in the first place, but stress tended to make you question even the most ridiculous. As for how youâre meant to act, well that would have to be tested. Heâd already told you how to appear to the public, so that shouldnât be too hard, but being alone with the man was driving you insane.
Soft footsteps broke you from your thoughts. You spin around, suddenly very much on guard, before Shoutaâs voice broke through the darkness, his figure slowly approaching.Â
âWhat are you doing up, little one?â You bite your lip and turn to gaze outside again, hugging your arms tight.
âJust thinking. I apologize for waking you, Oya-⊠Shouta.â His warmth hit you before his skin did, chest pressed into your back and large rough hands gripping your shoulders firm but gentle. His breath is hot on your ear and neck, sending a shiver down your spine. Such an intimate action from him only hours after heâd made you his fiance was quite the shock in and of itself, only enhanced by the fact that this man is known for his cold nature.
âThinking about what?â His hands smoothed down your arms, following them around your waist and encompassing your hands in his, tugging you into him further. Unnatural as it may seem, it feels good, his warmth. In the arms of such a dangerous and powerful man you should feel small and scared, but you donât. You arenât entirely sure what it is you feel. Truthfully, you donât have the energy to answer his question properly.
âAbout a lot of things. Too many things.â Right now, the only thing you want to do is melt into the manâs arms. His presence is suddenly comforting, instead of worrying, and you feel safe in his embrace. You sigh and lean into him, fatigue finally beginning to tug at your body and mind. Strong arms scoop you up like nothing, and suddenly youâre being placed down on the bed before he climbs in and pulls you onto him. An arm circles your waist while the other cradles your head, a tender kiss placed at your hairline.
âSleep, little one.â His fingers thread through your hair, massaging your scalp lightly. Itâs a soothing action, especially after nearly giving yourself a headache from stress. It isnât long before youâre nodding off, relaxing into his body and letting his steady heartbeat lull you to sleep.
#shouta aizawa#shouta aizawa x reader#shouta aizawa bnha#shouta aizawa mha#aizawa shouta#aizawa shouta x reader#aizawa shouta bnha#aizawa shouta mha#aizawa fanfiction#aizawa#mafia au bnha#mafia au mha#shouta aizawa x fem reader#aizawa shouta x fem reader
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Well I'm here. I wanted to tell you what a sucker I'm for some good fluff Tommy Shelby fluff..
I had this idea at the back of my mind where the Tommy married the reader as a formality because Polly had been constantly nagging him to get Charles a mother.(Like after Grace dies). Now he makes it clear that he cannot give her "love" and she should not expect it but she should be a dutiful wife (I know, patriarchy) and take care of Charlie. Reader decides to give the marriage a try.. and thinks it's not always love that builds marriage. As long as Tommy keeps her safe, it's fine.. It's only when the reader gets pregnant with Tommy's kid, the way her body starts changing, Tommy's heart starts changing as well and he starts falling in love with her as her pregnancy progresses..
I'm sorry if this is too much. đđ„ș
A/N: Iâm so in love with this one, I really, really hope you like it!đ„ș thank you for requesting this amazing pieceâš honestly this one gave me so much life that I could wrote a whole series out of it!
Another Day
Thomas Shelby x Fem!Reader
Word count: 1,834
When Grace died, Thomas knew that a part of himself went with her. Part of his heart and his capacity of loving followed the woman who owned that same heart into the abyss of death. And he was fine with it, the only reasonable thing to do was to let his heart rest next to his beloved wife, that was alright with him.
Everyday that went by Thomas felt as his life were slowly drowning into a whirlwind of inconsolable sorrow. Nevertheless, he was trying his best for Charlie and he was darned proud of how such a sweet boy he happened to become. So mannered and so caring that sometimes he almost failed to believe he was his son, this was his only spiral of joy. Every time Ada would come around with Karl, Charlie wouldnât help, but ask about his mommy and why him and daddy were always alone. And he was right, Thomas and Charlie were always going to be alone in a way, that thought was so dreadful and achingly painful that one morning he did what he had to do. Polly spent the last few weeks begging him to meet the daughter of this friends of hers, single and behaved, What more could you ask for? Polly would always end up saying. A question he would have promptly answer with Grace.
The first time he laid eyes on you, he couldnât help but think how pretty you were. He was a man with pride, but he also had eyes and he would never say something that he doesnât mean so he said it âYou are a very beautiful womanâ in a tone so cold and unemotional that made you laugh, clearly he was forced into this meeting as well. Marriage was the last thing in your list: Travel and study the art of painting that was your dream and see it being crushed by the economical need of your family almost crushed you a well. Being the respectful and obedient wife of Thomas Shelby was never part of your plan, but you werenât selfish enough to say no and let your family sink in debt. And while Polly was taking your momâs arm and pulling her aways from you two for some intimacy, you look at time a stare that he didnât give back and said âNext time be more convincing.â
The wedding came soon enough, everyone on your side of the family was happy, excited and hopeful for the future that this union would bring. The Shelbyâs on the other side, they werenât allowed to celebrate as this wasnât a marriage of love, but need. A small wedding, no reception. You never really thought about marriage, but somehow it made you sad how so careless this man was. How cruel he was to care so little about something that for you could have a meaning.
On the night of your wedding Thomas didnât talking much, if anything at all. Some candles were lit on the side of the bed, they smelled nice you remember, but nothing could ease up the tension in that room. You in your night gown standing in front of him as he close the door behind him while he enters the room. His eyes locked in yours but itâs hard to tell whether he wants this or itâs just a duty. A step after another he finally was in front of you, so close that he could easily hear your heart racing on your chest. His hand slowly reached your cheek and he smiled a small imperceptible smile âLove is a tricky thing. From this night on I will respect you, protect you, but love...â he eyes were now somewhere else, they were still looking at you, but you could tell they were elsewhere. That was enough for you, or so you thought.
Time passed and the only thing that made those miserable day bearable was Charlie. You saw in him a lot of Thomas, but there was also a side of him that you didnât quite get, probably from his mom. Grace a woman that was still an important presence in the house, in their life. Charlie would sometimes stare at the paint of him, Thomas and Grace and would point and her, asking where she is. You would then proceed to sit next to his and point at his chest close to where his heart his âShe is here. Sheâs in here everyday, even if you donât see herâ you would say smiling at him. She was beautiful, so beautiful and so much loved that you would pity yourself, a resentment that caused you to be sickened by yourself, at some point in time you realised that you started to compete with the death and that feeling brought so much shame that you decided it was time to get back at your art. So you did, painting and looking after Charlie. When the Sun would disappear in order for the Moon to gloriously take its place, Thomas would come home, sometimes even later than that. He would kiss Charlie on the forehead, then he would smile at you. After all expectations, Thomas had no problem in engaging in a conversation with you, however he never talked to you as his wife, more like a newfound acquaintance and that again was alright with you.
Then one day you found out you were pregnant. You had all the signs, morning sickness, late period, body changing, but a part of you didnât want it to be true. You were so afraid of bring to Earth a creature that was not made out of love that you took quite enough time to tell Thomas, the enough time it took you to start showing and made it impossible for you to hide it longer. Your heart was racing as fast as the horses that Thomas so much loved, when one night he grabbed you by your hand and pulled you closer to him, not a moment of love, but a need. And while a hand slowly caressed your arms, the other was finding his way under your night gown but stopped as soon as he felt your stomach. Surprised as it was he went from looking at your body to staring at your face, while you were nervously biting your lips âIâm pregnantâ you said in a whisper. His hand fell down as soon as those words left your mouth and he quickly stepped back. He didnât want another child, not like this, but he was not going to say it. In fact he didnât say anything and went to bed.
Weeks after that Thomas didnât touch you, or talked to you. He even barely looked at you. He felt as if he was betraying Grace, as this baby could bring an end to the connection he had with her. He wasnât ready for any of that, but neither were you and so the hostility between you two grew. Charlie however was super excited to have a little brother or sister. Seeing his son so excited about the news made him think that maybe that was such a bad news, after all thatâs what he wanted for the both of them, not being alone.
And the baby was growing, strong as ever. Polly and Ada started to come visit more and you liked that, that made you feel less alone.
âDonât worry he will come along somedayâ Polly would always say to you and you would always smile repeating yourself that you didnât need his love, that this was a marriage without love, but now with this baby inside you, you couldnât help but thinking if he was ever going to love your baby.
Thomas was now at home more often âI do not have so many employees for nothing now eh?â He would say every time you would wake up in the morning and see him already on his feet preparing Charlie for the day. The truth was that Thomas knew you had trouble sleeping since the baby, he woke up sometimes during the night to see you walking around the room while moaning in pain. He knew how stressful it could be to not having enough sleep, carrying a baby and providing for another one, so he decided to stick around for a while. Seeing your daily routine, how you would play with Charlie, sit in front of the painting of hi late mom, telling him those kind word and seeing you meticulously give time to your own passion, that did something to him. Perhaps it was just time what he needed, perhaps love was something that he could feel again, because now every time he looked at you, he felt alive again.
âWhat now? Are you going to do the laundry as well?â You jokingly said while you were having breakfast.
He looked and you and chuckled âNo, I pay other people to do that. But you are more than welcome to do it yourself, itâs money that I can saveâ and as he saw you rolling your eyes in response he smiled âI got you somethingâ he said talking a little bag under the table and placing it in front of you.
You almost gasped in surprise, Thomas Shelby caring to waste a bit of his time to buy you something? Not even your birthday made him turn around like that. You were almost scolding yourself out loud for how much you were smiling at that gesture. You carefully opening the bag to reveal a pair of white baby shoes, the most precious thing he could ever get you. Thomas looked at you with the same big smile that was on your lips and he hold your hand, he didnât say much after, but your hand on his meant something for the both of you.
You gave birth to the most beautiful and precious baby girl. Polly and Ada were at tears when they first saw her and you could tell to have seen even Arthur shredding some tears and being scolded by John. You even shredded some tears. The love that you thought you couldnât get and that you were never going to experience, it was all there in this tiny little girl. Charlie was absolutely in love with her, so much that it was hard to convince him that he was to big to sleep in the crib with her. You were looking at your baby girl, sleeping peacefully and there it was, the most beautiful piece of art you ever made. While this thought slid through your mind, Thomas wrapped his arms around your waste in a hug from behind, resting his chin on your shoulder and he smiled looking at his daughter âSo darned beautifulâ he whispered while looking at her, he was completely astonished and happy, so darned happy. âYou both areâ he then said holding you a bit tighter than before and this time, you believed him.
#thomas shelby imagine#thomas shelby headcanon#thomas shelby fanfic#thomas shelby scenario#thomas shelby x reader#thomas shelby x y/n#thomas shelby x oc#peaky blinders fic#peaky blinders fanfic#peaky blinders fandom#peaky blinders fluff#peaky blinder imagine#peaky blinders#cillian murphy#thomas x reader#tommy shelby#tommy shelby x oc#tommy shelby x you#tommy shelby x y/n#tommy shelby x reader#tommy shelby fluff#tommy shelby fanfic#tommy shelby imagine
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You Owe Me 20 Bucks - Steve Rogers
Synopsis;
Steve just simply wants to protect you, you find it extremely annoying how his plans to protect you get in the way of you doing your job as an Avenger, and Bucky and Sam have a running bet.
Warnings: A lil bit of language. Arguing. Mentions of violence. Mentions of betting. Wack ass stuff man. Fluff.
Words: 2,030
Pairings: Steve Rogers x ReaderÂ
_______________
You walked into the meeting room, ready to be briefed by Fury for the next mission. This would be your first assignment in 2 months since your injury. Ever since you had woken up, everyone had babied you, especially a certain super soldier, which ticked you off to no end.
You took your place in-between Wanda and Bucky and prepared yourself for the droning voice of Fury and the nagging of Steve. âHey, you good?â
You inwardly groaned at Buckyâs question. It was nice that the team cared so much but it was a bitch to deal with all their incessant babying and over protectiveness. âIâm fine, Buck, really.â
As if he could sense your irritation, he retreated and opted to leave you be. You signed in relief and sunk back into your chair. Just as you had gotten comfortable, Fury entered, followed by Maria then Mr. Patriarchy himself. âAvengers.â Fury simply greeted to grab everyoneâs attention.
And so, the briefing had commenced and passed by, the only thing left on the check list was to discuss who will be part taking in the mission. âA team of 6 will be going in, the others will stay behind and only move out when needed. Stark, Barnes, Barton, Maximoff, Y/L/N, you 5 will be joining Rogers at the base.â
Before any body got the chance to voice their readiness, Steve had spoken up. âY/L/N isnât ready.â
You saw red as he had easily diminished your ability to be out in the field. âLike fuck Iâm not ready.â You quickly stood from your seat so fast, the chair had scrapped against the floor before falling over harshly.
âIf I say youâre not ready then youâre not ready.â Steve crossed his arms over his chest, standing his ground. Thing is, you were stubborn, every Avenger and agent knew that about you.
You walked towards in quick, long strides and stared him down, inches from his face. âItâs my body, I know when itâs damn ready.â You stepped back and looked towards Fury. âSo, when we due to head out?â
âIn an hour.â
âGreat, see you guys at the jet.â You quickly turned on your heel and headed towards your room, ignoring the calls of your peers.
âI guess thatâs all. Dismissed.â Fury disbanded the meeting, sending the remaining Avengers to prepare for their mission or go back to lazing around, ready to be called out as back up. Steve sighed heavily through his nose as her closed his eyes and pinched the bridge between his pointer finger and thumb.
As Bucky passed his best friend, he patted his shoulder and flashed him a tight-lipped smile, sympathising with his friend. This is gonne be one long mission.
_______________
The time came for the team to meet at the jet. You stepped on to the platform and headed over to the jet to meet with the others. Just as you placed one foot on to the flying metal contraption, the blonde of the 40âs due spoke. âI said youâre not ready.â
You rolled your eyes and chose to ignore his complaints. Ensuring your gear that youâre decked out in is securely strapped on, you made haste towards a free seat at the back off the jet, unfortunately getting blocked off by Stevesâ broad and muscular form. You huffed and quickly side stepped him, proceeding to sit.
âNo matter how much you nag, theyâre still gonna tag along, dude. May as well give up before youâre driven mad.â Clint commented, eliciting a soft giggle from Wanda and a snicker from Tony, both trying desperately to cover their amusement up in any way available to them.
âHe has a point. Maybe instead of butting heads, you could help her through this mission.â Bucky spoke directly to his friend.
âOr they could actually listen and not go.â Steve narrowed his eyes towards your ignorant and slouched form, folding his arms across his chest. Tony rolled his eyes before making his way through the jet to pilot it.
âOkay losers, can we all quieten down now. Daddyâs got a jet to fly.â And with that, Tony had the jet off the platform and heading to your destination. Steve huffed and sat opposite you next to Bucky. He stared you down whilst you continuously ignored him through the whole flight.
_______________
âWhat the hell, Steve?! I had it handled!â You yelled at your fellow Avenger as you all boarded the jet, ready to head back to the compound.
âDidnât look like it!â Steve had replied, matching your volume.
You scoffed and threw your arms up into the arm in exasperation. âYou have a seriously fucked up hero complex, you know that?!â
The yelling match continued between you both throughout most of the flight. By this point, the others within the small confides of the jet had pounding migraines and are in need of about 20 Advils each.
As soon as the jet landed back within the grounds of the compound, you both stormed out of the jet, heading to your separate rooms, both slamming them shut as loudly as possible, hoping the other would hear and convey how pissed you were.
âAh, young love.â Tony quipped as his suit disassembled from around his form.
_______________
It had been a full week of you ignoring Steve. He had tried previously throughout the week, but you blanked him, simply as if he hadnât existed. He knew he seriously messed up the second enemy after enemy headed towards you. He knew you could have easily defended yourself and have taken them out even easier but, you were right. He does have a fucked up hero complex.
But mostly, he always felt the need to protect you. Falling in love with a completely independent and able Avenger is a tough gig. Apparently.
Steve had had enough and decided he was going to talk to you, whether you wanted to or not. He marched with determination straight to your room and knocked brashly. He heard you groan from the opposite side of the door before the light patter of your feet pad along the floor. You swung the door open widely with a look of annoyance across your face, but it had quickly faltered as you tried to close the door just as hastily. He jammed his foot between the door and its frame.
âLeave me alone Steve.â He could easily detect the irritation and impatience within your voice. He pushed the rest of the way into your room and you groaned loudly once again. âYou clearly donât understand English, should I try Spanish? German? Ukrainian? Mandarin?â
âOkay, I get it, youâre pissed and you donât want to see me. Well tough shit.â He stepped closer to you as you stood your ground. âWe need to talk whether you like it or not.â
âOh yeah? And what do we need to talk about exactly?â
Steve inhaled deeply before continuing. âAbout how youâre acting. You canât act like a stroppy teenager whenever someone gives you a helping hand during a mission.â
You scoff, unbelieving of what he is saying. âThat wasnât a âhelping handâ, that was undermining myself as an abled agent and my abilities to handle the enemy. That wasnât a âhelping handâ, that was throwing me to the side while you did all the work.â Your shoulders heaved up and down as your breathing became heavier the more anger filled you.
âJesus Christ Y/N, I was trying to help! I led the mission that day and itâs my responsibility if any of you screw up. All I did was ensure none of you did.â Stevesâ voice raised to match yours.
âNO! You ensured I didnât screw up because âIâM NOT READY!ââ At some point you had started to pace around the room in an attempt to calm you.
Steve ran his hand down his face as he groaned loudly. He closed his eyes and took a deep breath in, willing himself to calm himself down also. âI just care about you Y/N/N. Please, why canât you just understand that.â
âWell, you should go care about someone else. I didnât see you hounding Starksâ ass about being careful.â
âJesus H Christ, Iâm in love with you, alright?!â Steve had exclaimed loudly in exasperation. You froze on the spot and slowly turned, shock evident across your face.
âWha-what?â You stuttered out in a quiet whisper. Steve registered what had just slipped passed his lips and opened and closed his mouth, attempting to come up with some form of excuse for what he had said. âWhat did you just say Steve?â You spoke, your voice raised, pronunciation clear.
Steve sighed and looked down before tilting his head in the slightest to gaze into your eyes as he spoke sheepishly. âI said Iâm in love with you, I love you.â He searched your face for the slightest inkling of reciprocation in the mix of a million emotions displayed across it. It had been a good minute or so of silence as you comprehended what he had just told you. He began to feel self-conscious and paranoia presented itself within him deeply. âPlease say something.â He pleaded, his voice quiet.
This seemed to have snapped you out of whatever trance had engulfed you and you swallowed thickly as you looked up at him with wide eyes. You willed yourself to be brave as if you were back out in the field. You charged forward and crashed your lips to his, the move bolder than what you were used to doing.
You grasp on to him tightly, afraid he would pull away, although, you knew that was not going to be the case for he instantaneously reciprocated the intimate action with as much gusto and desperation. His larger hands came to hold on to your hips, knuckles turning white from how tightly his hands balled up your shirt.
Sooner than you had liked, you both parted and laid your foreheads against the others as you panted, desperate for any intake of oxygen. âI love you too, Steve.â You whispered breathlessly, looking up into his beautiful, blue orbs. They had even seemed to have an extra shine in this moment as you gazed deeply into them.
He smiled a huffed out a small chuckle, his thumb rubbing up and down against your side in a soothing and loving manner. âGod, you drive me crazy.â
You both continued to stand there for what felt like hours when in actuality, was only a minute or so. Suddenly, a loud knock at the door echoed throughout the room before opening and revealing Sam and Bucky on the other side. âHey, you guys comin-oh, damn, our bad. Weâll uh, leave you to it.â And with that, Sam quickly turned and shoved Bucky out along with him as he closed the door behind them.
âI think you owe me 20 bucks.â You heard Buckyâs voice through the door which had muffled the sound slightly.
âMan, I was sure theyâd go another week before one of âem confessed.â You heard Sam whine as you presumed while he fished out the bills from his pocket to hand over to his apparent betting partner.
Their interaction had caused both you and Steve let out a small bout of laugh before turning your attention back towards one another. âI guess we should head down for food, huh?â Steve suggested whilst he had a boyish grin etched upon his face.
All you could do was mirror his smile and release a near inaudible âyesâ as you nod and step back, taking his larger hand into one of your own. He quickly pulled you towards him to lay a final pure, sweet, gentle kiss upon your plump lips. âLetâs go.â
He led you out of your room and towards the elevator, ready to join the others for food. As you stood in the elevator, you felt Stevesâ gaze on you. You turned you head and sent him a wolfish smirk. âBet you 20 bucks that they told everyone.â
Steve threw his head back in laughter as he wrapped his arm around your shoulders and brought you closer into his side. âYouâre on.â
_______________
Those pants are nice, yeah, just the pants, definitely just the pants Iâm admiring, nothing else... *definitely is looking square at his ass* ...yeah man, nice pants...
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I did a Steve fic, noice
Iâve been super sucky with fics recently but I mean, college stuff, losing family, this, plus messing my knee up badly yesterday after accidently yeeting myself down some stairs, it be like thatÂ
I really hope you enjoy this
As always, constructive criticism and requests are welcomed and greatly appreciated :D
#steve rogers#steve rogers x#steve rogers x reader#x reader#x female reader#x fem reader#x fem!reader#the avengers#avengers x#avengers x reader#fluff#marvel fluff#marvel#marvel fic#marvel fanfiction#marvel fandom#captain america#captain america x#captain america x reader
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The Rolling Stone Interview: Taylor Swift
By:Â Brian Hiatt for The Rolling Stone Magazine Date: September 18th 2019
In her most in-depth and introspective interview in years, Swift tells all about the rocky road to 'Lover' and much, much more.
Taylor Swift bursts into her momâs Nashville kitchen, smiling, looking remarkably like Taylor Swift. (That red-lip, classic thing? Check.) âI need someone to help dye my hair pink,â she says, and moments later, her ends match her sparkly nail polish, sneakers, and the stripes on her button-down. Itâs all in keeping with the pastel aesthetic of her new album, Lover; black-leather combat-Taylor from her previous album cycle has handed back the phone. Around the black-granite kitchen island, all is calm and normal, as Swiftâs mom, dad, and younger brother pass through. Her momâs two dogs, one very small, one very large, pounce upon visitors with slurping glee. It could be any 29-year-oldâs weekend visit with her parents, if not for the madness looming a few feet down the hall.
In an airy terrace, 113 giddy, weepy, shaky, still-in-disbelief fans are waiting for the start of one of Swiftâs secret sessions, sacred rituals in Swift-dom. Sheâs about to play them her seventh album, as-yet unreleased on this Sunday afternoon in early August, and offer copious commentary. Also, she made cookies. Just before the session, Swift sits down in her momâs study (where she âoperates the Google,â per her daughter) to chat for a few minutes. The black-walled room is decorated with black-and-white classic-rock photos, including shots of Bruce Springsteen and, unsurprisingly, James Taylor; there are also more recent shots of Swift posing with Kris Kristofferson and playing with Def Leppard, her momâs favorite band.
In a corner is an acoustic guitar Swift played as a teenager. She almost certainly wrote some well-known songs on it, but canât recall which ones. âIt would be kind of weird to finish a song and be like, âAnd this moment, I shall remember,â'â she says, laughing. ââThis guitar hath been anointed with my sacred tuneage!'â
The secret session itself is, as the name suggests, deeply off-the-record; it can be confirmed that she drank some white wine, since her glass pops up in some Instagram pictures. She stays until 5 a.m., chatting and taking photos with every one of the fans. Five hours later, we continue our talk at length in Swiftâs Nashville condo, in almost exactly the same spot where we did one of our interviews for her 2012 Rolling Stone cover story. Sheâs hardly changed its whimsical decor in the past seven years (one of the few additions is a pool table replacing the couch where we sat last time), so itâs an old-Taylor time capsule. Thereâs still a huge bunny made of moss in one corner, and a human-size birdcage in the living room, though the view from the latter is now of generic new condo buildings instead of just distant green hills. Swift is barefoot now, in pale-blue jeans and a blue button-down tied at the waist; her hair is pulled back, her makeup minimal.
How to sum up the past three years of Taylor Swift? In July 2016, after Swift expressed discontent with Kanye Westâs âFamous,â Kim Kardashian did her best to destroy her, unleashing clandestine recordings of a phone conversation between Swift and West. In the piecemeal audio, Swift can be heard agreeing to the line ââŠme and Taylor might still have sex.â We donât hear her learning about the next lyric, the one she says bothered her â âI made that bitch famousâ â and as sheâll explain, thereâs more to her side of the story. The backlash was, well, swift, and overwhelming. It still hasnât altogether subsided. Later that year, Swift chose not to make an endorsement in the 2016 election, which definitely didnât help. In the face of it all, she made Reputation â fierce, witty, almost-industrial pop offset by love songs of crystalline beauty â and had a wildly successful stadium tour. Somewhere in there, she met her current boyfriend, Joe Alwyn, and judging by certain songs on Lover, the relationship is serious indeed.
Lover is Swiftâs most adult album, a rebalancing of sound and persona that opens doors to the next decade of her career; itâs also a welcome return to the sonic diversity of 2012âs Red, with tracks ranging from the St. Vincent-assisted ĂŒber-bop âCruel Summerâ to the unbearably poignant country-fied âSoon Youâll Get Betterâ (with the Dixie Chicks) and the âShake It Offâ-worthy pep of âPaper Rings.â
She wants to talk about the music, of course, but she is also ready to explain the past three years of her life, in depth, for the first time. The conversation is often not a light one. Sheâs built up more armor in the past few years, but still has the opposite of a poker face â you can see every micro-emotion wash over her as she ponders a question, her nose wrinkling in semi-ironic offense at the term âold-school pop stars,â her preposterously blue eyes glistening as she turns to darker subjects. In her worst moments, she says, âYou feel like youâre being completely pulled into a riptide. So what are you going to do? Splash a lot? Or hold your breath and hope you somehow resurface? And thatâs what I did. And it took three years. Sitting here doing an interview â the fact that weâve done an interview before is the only reason Iâm not in a full body sweat.â
When we talked seven years ago, everything was going so well for you, and you were very worried that something would go wrong. Yeah, I kind of knew it would. I felt like I was walking along the sidewalk, knowing eventually the pavement was going to crumble and I was gonna fall through. You canât keep winning and have people like it. People love ânewâ so much â they raise you up the flagpole, and youâre waving at the top of the flagpole for a while. And then theyâre like, âWait, this new flag is what we actually love.â They decide something youâre doing is incorrect, that youâre not standing for what you should stand for. Youâre a bad example. Then if you keep making music and you survive, and you keep connecting with people, eventually they raise you a little bit up the flagpole again, and then they take you back down, and back up again. And it happens to women more than it happens to men in music.
It also happened to you a few times on a smaller scale, didnât it? Iâve had several upheavals in my career. When I was 18, they were like, âShe doesnât really write those songs.â So my third album I wrote by myself as a reaction to that. Then they decided I was a serial dater â a boy-crazy man-eater â when I was 22. And so I didnât date anyone for, like, two years. And then they decided in 2016 that absolutely everything about me was wrong. If I did something good, it was for the wrong reasons. If I did something brave, I didnât do it correctly. If I stood up for myself, I was throwing a tantrum. And so I found myself in this endless mockery echo chamber. Itâs just like â I have a brother whoâs two and a half years younger, and we spent the first half of our lives trying to kill each other and the second half as best friends. You know that game kids play? Iâd be like, âMom, can I have some water?â And Austin would be like, âMom, can I have some water?â And Iâm like, âHeâs copying me.â And heâd be like, âHeâs copying me.â Always in a really obnoxious voice that sounds all twisted. Thatâs what it felt like in 2016. So I decided to just say nothing. It wasnât really a decision. It was completely involuntary.
But you also had good things happen in your life at the same time â thatâs part of Reputation. The moments of my true story on that album are songs like âDelicate,â âNew Yearâs Day,â âCall It What You Want,â âDress.â The one-two punch, bait-and-switch of Reputation is that it was actually a love story. It was a love story in amongst chaos. All the weaponized sort of metallic battle anthems were what was going on outside. That was the battle raging on that I could see from the windows, and then there was what was happening inside my world â my newly quiet, cozy world that was happening on my own terms for the first time.â.â.â.âItâs weird, because in some of the worst times of my career, and reputation, dare I say, I had some of the most beautiful times â in my quiet life that I chose to have. And I had some of the most incredible memories with the friends I now knew cared about me, even if everyone hated me. The bad stuff was really significant and damaging. But the good stuff will endure. The good lessons â you realize that you canât just show your life to people.
Meaning? I used to be like a golden retriever, just walking up to everybody, like, wagging my tail. âSure, yeah, of course! What do you want to know? What do you need?â Now, I guess, I have to be a little bit more like a fox.
Do your regrets on that extend to the way the âgirl squadâ thing was perceived? Yeah, I never would have imagined that people would have thought, âThis is a clique that wouldnât have accepted me if I wanted to be in it.â Holy shit, that hit me like a ton of bricks. I was like, âOh, this did not go the way that I thought it was going to go.â I thought it was going to be we can still stick together, just like men are allowed to do. The patriarchy allows men to have bro packs. If youâre a male artist, thereâs an understanding that you have respect for your counterparts.
Whereas women are expected to be feuding with each other? Itâs assumed that we hate each other. Even if weâre smiling and photographed together with our arms around each other, itâs assumed thereâs a knife in our pocket.
How much of a danger was there of falling into that thought pattern yourself? The messaging is dangerous, yes. Nobody is immune, because weâre a product of what society and peer groups and now the internet tells us, unless we learn differently from experience.
You once sang about a star who âtook the money and your dignity, and got the hell out.â In 2016, you wrote in your journal, âThis summer is the apocalypse.â How close did you come to quitting altogether? I definitely thought about that a lot. I thought about how words are my only way of making sense of the world and expressing myself â and now any words I say or write are being twisted against me. People love a hate frenzy. Itâs like piranhas. People had so much fun hating me, and they didnât really need very many reasons to do it. I felt like the situation was pretty hopeless. I wrote a lot of really aggressively bitter poems constantly. I wrote a lot of think pieces that I knew Iâd never publish, about what itâs like to feel like youâre in a shame spiral. And I couldnât figure out how to learn from it. Because I wasnât sure exactly what I did that was so wrong. That was really hard for me, because I cannot stand it when people canât take criticism. So I try to self-examine, and even though thatâs really hard and hurts a lot sometimes, I really try to understand where people are coming from when they donât like me. And I completely get why people wouldnât like me. Because, you know, Iâve had my insecurities say those things â and things 1,000 times worse.
But some of your former critics have become your friends, right? Some of my best friendships came from people publicly criticizing me and then it opening up a conversation. Hayley Kiyoko was doing an interview and she made an example about how I get away with singing about straight relationships and people donât give me shit the way they give her shit for singing about girls â and itâs totally valid. Like, Ella â Lorde â the first thing she ever said about me publicly was a criticism of my image or whatever. But I canât really respond to someone saying, âYou, as a human being, are fake.â And if they say youâre playing the victim, that completely undermines your ability to ever verbalize how you feel unless itâs positive. So, OK, should I just smile all the time and never say anything hurts me? Because thatâs really fake. Or should I be real about how Iâm feeling and have valid, legitimate responses to things that happened to me in my life? But wait, would that be playing the victim?
How do you escape that mental trap? Since I was 15 years old, if people criticized me for something, I changed it. So you realize you might be this amalgamation of criticisms that were hurled at you, and not an actual person whoâs made any of these choices themselves. And so I decided I needed to live a quiet life, because a quiet personal life invites no discussion, dissection, and debate. I didnât realize I was inviting people to feel they had the right to sort of play my life like a video game.
âThe old Taylor canât come to the phone right now. Why? Because sheâs dead!â was funny â but how seriously should we take it? Thereâs a part of me that definitely is always going to be different. I needed to grow up in many ways. I needed to make boundaries, to figure out what was mine and what was the publicâs. That old version of me that shares unfailingly and unblinkingly with a world that is probably not fit to be shared with? I think thatâs gone. But it was definitely just, like, a fun moment in the studio with me and Jack [Antonoff] where I wanted to play on the idea of a phone call â because thatâs how all of this started, a stupid phone call I shouldnât have picked up.
It would have been much easier if thatâs what youâd just said. It would have been so, so great if I would have just said that [laughs].
Some of the Lover iconography does suggest old Taylorâs return, though. I donât think Iâve ever leaned into the old version of myself more creatively than I have on this album, where itâs very, very autobiographical. But also moments of extreme catchiness and moments of extreme personal confession.
Did you do anything wrong from your perspective in dealing with that phone call? Is there anything you regret? The world didnât understand the context and the events that led up to it. Because nothing ever just happens like that without some lead-up. Some events took place to cause me to be pissed off when he called me a bitch. That was not just a singular event. Basically, I got really sick of the dynamic between he and I. And that wasnât just based on what happened on that phone call and with that song â it was kind of a chain reaction of things.
I started to feel like we reconnected, which felt great for me â because all I ever wanted my whole career after that thing happened in 2009 was for him to respect me. When someone doesnât respect you so loudly and says you literally donât deserve to be here â I just so badly wanted that respect from him, and I hate that about myself, that I was like, âThis guy whoâs antagonizing me, I just want his approval.â But thatâs where I was. And so weâd go to dinner and stuff. And I was so happy, because he would say really nice things about my music. It just felt like I was healing some childhood rejection or something from when I was 19. But the 2015 VMAs come around. Heâs getting the Vanguard Award. He called me up beforehand â I didnât illegally record it, so I canât play it for you. But he called me up, maybe a week or so before the event, and we had maybe over an hourlong conversation, and heâs like, âI really, really would like for you to present this Vanguard Award to me, this would mean so much to me,â and went into all the reasons why it means so much, because he can be so sweet. He can be the sweetest. And I was so stoked that he asked me that. And so I wrote this speech up, and then we get to the VMAs and I make this speech and he screams, âMTV got Taylor Swift up here to present me this award for ratings!â [His exact words: âYou know how many times they announced Taylor was going to give me the award âcause it got them more ratings?â] And Iâm standing in the audience with my arm around his wife, and this chill ran through my body. I realized he is so two-faced. That he wants to be nice to me behind the scenes, but then he wants to look cool, get up in front of everyone and talk shit. And I was so upset. He wanted me to come talk to him after the event in his dressing room. I wouldnât go. So then he sent this big, big thing of flowers the next day to apologize. And I was like, âYou know what? I really donât want us to be on bad terms again. So whatever, Iâm just going to move past this.â So when he gets on the phone with me, and I was so touched that he would be respectful and, like, tell me about this one line in the song.
The line being â.â.â.âme and Taylor might still have sexâ? [Nods] And I was like, âOK, good. Weâre back on good terms.â And then when I heard the song, I was like, âIâm done with this. If you want to be on bad terms, letâs be on bad terms, but just be real about it.â And then he literally did the same thing to Drake. He gravely affected the trajectory of Drakeâs family and their lives. Itâs the same thing. Getting close to you, earning your trust, detonating you. I really donât want to talk about it anymore because I get worked up, and I donât want to just talk about negative shit all day, but itâs the same thing. Go watch Drake talk about what happened. [West denied any involvement in Pusha-Tâs revelation of Drakeâs child and apologized for sending ânegative energyâ toward Drake.]
When did you get to the place thatâs described on the opening track of Lover, âI Forgot That You Existedâ? It was sometime on the Reputation tour, which was the most transformative emotional experience of my career. That tour put me in the healthiest, most balanced place Iâve ever been. After that tour, bad stuff can happen to me, but it doesnât level me anymore. The stuff that happened a couple of months ago with Scott [Borchetta] would have leveled me three years ago and silenced me. I would have been too afraid to speak up. Something about that tour made me disengage from some part of public perception I used to hang my entire identity on, which I now know is incredibly unhealthy.
What was the actual revelation? Itâs almost like I feel more clear about the fact that my job is to be an entertainer. Itâs not like this massive thing that sometimes my brain makes it into, and sometimes the media makes it into, where weâre all on this battlefield and everyoneâs gonna die except one person, who wins. Itâs like, âNo, do you know what? Katy is going to be legendary. Gaga is going to be legendary. BeyoncĂ© is going to be legendary. Rihanna is going to be legendary. Because the work that they made completely overshadows the myopia of this 24-hour news cycle of clickbait.â And somehow I realized that on tour, as I was looking at peopleâs faces. Weâre just entertaining people, and itâs supposed to be fun.
Itâs interesting to look at these albums as a trilogy. 1989 was really a reset button. Oh, in every way. Iâve been very vocal about the fact that that decision was mine and mine alone, and it was definitely met with a lot of resistance. Internally.
After realizing that things were not all smiles with your former label boss, Scott Borchetta, itâs hard not to wonder how much additional conflict there was over things like that. A lot of the best things I ever did creatively were things that I had to really fight â and I mean aggressively fight â to have happen. But, you know, Iâm not like him, making crazy, petty accusations about the past.â.â.â.âWhen you have a business relationship with someone for 15 years, there are going to be a lot of ups and a lot of downs. But I truly, legitimately thought he looked at me as the daughter he never had. And so even though we had a lot of really bad times and creative differences, I was going to hang my hat on the good stuff. I wanted to be friends with him. I thought I knew what betrayal felt like, but this stuff that happened with him was a redefinition of betrayal for me, just because it felt like it was family. To go from feeling like youâre being looked at as a daughter to this grotesque feeling of âOh, I was actually his prized calf that he was fattening up to sell to the slaughterhouse that would pay the most.â
He accused you of declining the Parkland march and Manchester benefit show. Unbelievable. Hereâs the thing: Everyone in my team knew if Scooter Braun brings us something, do not bring it to me. The fact that those two are in business together after the things he said about Scooter Braun â itâs really hard to shock me. And this was utterly shocking. These are two very rich, very powerful men, using $300 million of other peopleâs money to purchase, like, the most feminine body of work. And then theyâre standing in a wood-panel bar doing a tacky photo shoot, raising a glass of scotch to themselves. Because they pulled one over on me and got this done so sneakily that I didnât even see it coming. And I couldnât say anything about it.
In some ways, on a musical level, Lover feels like the most indie-ish of your albums. Thatâs amazing, thank you. Itâs definitely a quirky record. With this album, I felt like I sort of gave myself permission to revisit older themes that I used to write about, maybe look at them with fresh eyes. And to revisit older instruments â older in terms of when I used to use them. Because when I was making 1989, I was so obsessed with it being this concept of Eighties big pop, whether it was Eighties in its production or Eighties in its nature, just having these big choruses â being unapologetically big. And then Reputation, there was a reason why I had it all in lowercase. I felt like it wasnât unapologetically commercial. Itâs weird, because that is the album that took the most amount of explanation, and yet itâs the one I didnât talk about. In the Reputation secret sessions I kind of had to explain to my fans, âI know weâre doing a new thing here that Iâd never done before.â Iâd never played with characters before. For a lot of pop stars, thatâs a really fun trick, where theyâre like, âThis is my alter ego.â I had never played with that before. Itâs really fun. And it was just so fun to play with on tour â the darkness and the bombast and the bitterness and the love and the ups and the downs of an emotional-turmoil record.
âDaylightâ is a beautiful song. It feels like it could have been the title track. It almost was. I thought it might be a little bit too sentimental.
And I guess maybe too on-the-nose. Right, yeah, way too on-the-nose. Thatâs what I thought, because I was kind of in my head referring to the album as Daylight for a while. But Lover, to me, was a more interesting title, more of an accurate theme in my head, and more elastic as a concept. Thatâs why âYou Need to Calm Downâ can make sense within the theme of the album â one of the things it addresses is how certain people are not allowed to live their lives without discrimination just based on who they love.
For the more organic songs on this album, like âLoverâ and âPaper Rings,â you said you were imagining a wedding band playing them. How often does that kind of visualization shape a songâs production style? Sometimes Iâll have a strange sort of fantasy of where the songs would be played. And so for songs like âPaper Ringsâ or âLoverâ I was imagining a wedding-reception band, but in the Seventies, so they couldnât play instruments that wouldnât have been invented yet. I have all these visuals. For Reputation, it was nighttime cityscape. I didnât really want any â or very minimal â traditional acoustic instruments. I imagined old warehouse buildings that had been deserted and factory spaces and all this industrial kind of imagery. So I wanted the production to have nothing wooden. Thereâs no wood floors on that album. Lover is, like, completely just a barn wood floor and some ripped curtains flowing in the breeze, and fields of flowers and, you know, velvet.
How did you come to use high school metaphors to touch on politics with âMiss Americana & the Heartbreak Princeâ? There are so many influences that go into that particular song. I wrote it a couple of months after midterm elections, and I wanted to take the idea of politics and pick a metaphorical place for that to exist. And so I was thinking about a traditional American high school, where thereâs all these kinds of social events that could make someone feel completely alienated. And I think a lot of people in our political landscape are just feeling like we need to huddle up under the bleachers and figure out a plan to make things better.
I feel like your Fall Out Boy fandom mightâve slipped out in that title. I love Fall Out Boy so much. Their songwriting really influenced me, lyrically, maybe more than anyone else. They take a phrase and they twist it. âLoaded God complex/Cock it and pull itâ? When I heard that, I was like, âIâm dreaming.â
You sing about âAmerican stories burning before me.â Do you mean the illusions of what America is? Itâs about the illusions of what I thought America was before our political landscape took this turn, and that naivete that we used to have about it. And itâs also the idea of people who live in America, who just want to live their lives, make a living, have a family, love who they love, and watching those people lose their rights, or watching those people feel not at home in their home. I have that line âI see the high-fives between the bad guysâ because not only are some really racist, horrific undertones now becoming overtones in our political climate, but the people who are representing those concepts and that way of looking at the world are celebrating loudly, and itâs horrific.
Youâre in this weird place of being a blond, blue-eyed pop star in this era â to the point where until you endorsed some Democratic candidates, right-wingers, and worse, assumed you were on their side. I donât think they do anymore. Yeah, that was jarring, and I didnât hear about that until after it had happened. Because at this point, I, for a very long time, I didnât have the internet on my phone, and my team and my family were really worried about me because I was not in a good place. And there was a lot of stuff that they just dealt with without telling me about it. Which is the only time thatâs ever happened in my career. Iâm always in the pilot seat, trying to fly the plane that is my career in exactly the direction I want to take it. But there was a time when I just had to throw my hands up and say, âGuys, I canât. I canât do this. I need you to just take over for me and Iâm just going to disappear.â
Are you referring to when a white-supremacist site suggested you were on their team? I didnât even see that, but, like, if that happened, thatâs just disgusting. Thereâs literally nothing worse than white supremacy. Itâs repulsive. There should be no place for it. Really, I keep trying to learn as much as I can about politics, and itâs become something Iâm now obsessed with, whereas before, I was living in this sort of political ambivalence, because the person I voted for had always won. We were in such an amazing time when Obama was president because foreign nations respected us. We were so excited to have this dignified person in the White House. My first election was voting for him when he made it into office, and then voting to re-elect him. I think a lot of people are like me, where they just didnât really know that this could happen. But Iâm just focused on the 2020 election. Iâm really focused on it. Iâm really focused on how I can help and not hinder. Because I also donât want it to backfire again, because I do feel that the celebrity involvement with Hillaryâs campaign was used against her in a lot of ways.
You took a lot of heat for not getting involved. Does any part of you regret that you just didnât say âfuck itâ and gotten more specific when you said to vote that November? Totally. Yeah, I regret a lot of things all the time. Itâs like a daily ritual.
Were you just convinced that it would backfire? Thatâs literally what it was. Yeah. Itâs a very powerful thing when you legitimately feel like numbers have proven that pretty much everyone hates you. Like, quantifiably. Thatâs not me being dramatic. And you know that.
There were a lot of people in those stadiums. Itâs true. But that was two years later.â.â.â.âI do think, as a party, we need to be more of a team. With Republicans, if youâre wearing that red hat, youâre one of them. And if weâre going to do anything to change whatâs happening, we need to stick together. We need to stop dissecting why someoneâs on our side or if theyâre on our side in the right way or if they phrased it correctly. We need to not have the right kind of Democrat and the wrong kind of Democrat. We need to just be like, âYouâre a Democrat? Sick. Get in the car. Weâre going to the mall.â
Hereâs a hard question for you: As a superfan, what did you think of the Game of Thrones finale? Oh, my God. Iâve spent a lot of time thinking about this. So, clinically our brain responds to our favorite show ending the same way we feel when a breakup occurs. I read that. Thereâs no good way for it to end. No matter what would have happened in that finale, people still would have been really upset because of the fact that itâs over.
I was glad to see you confirm that your line about a âlist of namesâ was a reference to Arya. I like to be influenced by movies and shows and books and stuff. I love to write about a character dynamic. And not all of my life is going to be as kind of complex as these intricate webs of characters on TV shows and movies.
There was a time when it was. Thatâs amazing.
But is the idea that as your own life becomes less dramatic, youâll need to pull ideas from other places? I donât feel like that yet. I think I might feel like that possibly when I have a family. If I have a family. [Pauses] I donât know why I said that! But thatâs what Iâve heard from other artists, that they were very protective of their personal life, so they had to draw inspiration from other things. But again, I donât know why I said that. Because I donât know how my life is going to go or what Iâm going to do. But right now, I feel like itâs easier for me to write than it ever was.
You donât talk about your relationship, but youâll sing about it in wildly revealing detail. Whatâs the difference for you? Singing about something helps you to express it in a way that feels more accurate. You cannot, no matter what, put words in a quote and have it move someone the same way as if you heard those words with the perfect sonic representation of that feeling...âThere is that weird conflict in being a confessional songwriter and then also having my life, you know, 10 years ago, be catapulted into this strange pop-culture thing.
Iâve heard you say that people got too interested in which song was about who, which I can understand â at the same time, to be fair, it was a game you played into, wasnât it? I realized very early on that no matter what, that was going to happen to me regardless. So when you realize the rules of the game youâre playing and how it will affect you, you got to look at the board and make your strategy. But at the same time, writing songs has never been a strategic element of my career. But Iâm not scared anymore to say that other things in my career, like how to market an album, are strictly strategic. And Iâm sick of women not being able to say that they have strategic business minds â because male artists are allowed to. And so Iâm sick and tired of having to pretend like I donât mastermind my own business. But, itâs a different part of my brain than I use to write.
Youâve been masterminding your business since you were a teenager. Yeah, but Iâve also tried very hard â and this is one thing I regret â to convince people that I wasnât the one holding the puppet strings of my marketing existence, or the fact that I sit in a conference room several times a week and come up with these ideas. I felt for a very long time that people donât want to think of a woman in music who isnât just a happy, talented accident. Weâre all forced to kind of be like, âAw, shucks, this happened again! Weâre still doing well! Aw, thatâs so great.â Alex Morgan celebrating scoring a goal at the World Cup and getting shit for it is a perfect example of why weâre not allowed to flaunt or celebrate, or reveal that, like, âOh, yeah, it was me. I came up with this stuff.â I think itâs really unfair. People love new female artists so much because theyâre able to explain that womanâs success. Thereâs an easy trajectory. Look at the Game of Thrones finale. I specifically really related to Daenerysâ storyline because for me it portrayed that it is a lot easier for a woman to attain power than to maintain it.
I mean, she did murder... Itâs a total metaphor! Like, obviously I didnât want Daenerys to become that kind of character, but in taking away what I chose to take away from it, I thought maybe theyâre trying to portray her climbing the ladder to the top was a lot easier than maintaining it, because for me, the times when I felt like I was going insane was when I was trying to maintain my career in the same way that I ascended. Itâs easier to get power than to keep it. Itâs easier to get acclaim than to keep it. Itâs easier to get attention than to keep it.
Well, I guess we should be glad you didnât have a dragon in 2016... [Fiercely] I told you I donât like that she did that! But, I mean, watching the show, though, maybe this is a reflection on how we treat women in power, how we are totally going to conspire against them and tear at them until they feel this â this insane shift, where you wonder, like, âWhat changed?â And Iâve had that happen, like, 60 times in my career where Iâm like, âOK, you liked me last year, what changed? I guess Iâll change so I can keep entertaining you guys.â
You once said that your mom could never punish you when you were little because youâd punish yourself. This idea of changing in the face of criticism and needing approval â thatâs all part of wanting to be good, right? Whatever that means. But that seems to be a real driving force in your life. Yeah, thatâs definitely very perceptive of you. And the question posed to me is, if you kept trying to do good things, but everyone saw those things in a cynical way and assumed them to be done with bad motivation and bad intent, would you still do good things, even though nothing that you did was looked at as good? And the answer is, yes. Criticism thatâs constructive is helpful to my character growth. Baseless criticism is stuff Iâve got to toss out now.
That sounds healthy. Is this therapy talking or is this just experience? No, Iâve never been to therapy. I talk to my mom a lot, because my mom is the one whoâs seen everything. God, it takes so long to download somebody on the last 29 years of my life, and my mom has seen it all. She knows exactly where Iâm coming from. And we talk endlessly. There were times when I used to have really, really, really bad days where we would just be on the phone for hours and hours and hours. Iâd write something that I wanted to say, and instead of posting it, Iâd just read it to her.
I somehow connect all this to the lyric in âDaylight,â the idea of âso many lines that Iâve crossed unforgivenâ â itâs a different kind of confession. I am really glad you liked that line, because thatâs something that does bother me, looking back at life and realizing that no matter what, you screw things up. Sometimes there are people that were in your life and theyâre not anymore â and thereâs nothing you can do about it. You canât fix it, you canât change it. I told the fans last night that sometimes on my bad days, I feel like my life is a pile of crap accumulated of only the bad headlines or the bad things that have happened, or the mistakes Iâve made or clichĂ©s or rumors or things that people think about me or have thought for the last 15 years. And that was part of the âLook What You Made Me Doâ music video, where I had a pile of literal old selves fighting each other.
But, yeah, that line is indicative of my anxiety about how in life you canât get everything right. A lot of times you make the wrong call, make the wrong decision. Say the wrong thing. Hurt people, even if you didnât mean to. You donât really know how to fix all of that. When itâs, like, 29 yearsâ worth.
To be Mr. âRolling Stoneâ for a second, thereâs a Springsteen lyric, âAinât no one leaving this world, buddy/Without their shirttail dirty or hands a little bloody.â Thatâs really good! No one gets through it unscathed. No one gets through in one piece. I think thatâs a hard thing for a lot of people to grasp. I know it was hard for me, because I kind of grew up thinking, âIf Iâm nice, and if I try to do the right thing, you know, maybe I can just, like, ace this whole thing.â And it turns out I canât.
Itâs interesting to look at âI Did Something Badâ in this context. You pointing that out is really interesting because itâs something Iâve had to reconcile within myself in the last couple of years â that sort of âgoodâ complex. Because from the time I was a kid Iâd try to be kind, be a good person. Try really hard. But you get walked all over sometimes. And how do you respond to being walked all over? You canât just sit there and eat your salad and let it happen. âI Did Something Badâ was about doing something that was so against what I would usually do. Katy [Perry] and I were talking about our signs.â.â.â.â[Laughs] Of course we were.
Thatâs the greatest sentence ever. [Laughs] I hate you. We were talking about our signs because we had this really, really long talk when we were reconnecting and stuff. And I remember in the long talk, she was like, âIf we had one glass of white wine right now, weâd both be crying.â Because we were drinking tea. Weâve had some really good conversations.
We were talking about how weâve had miscommunications with people in the past, not even specifically with each other. Sheâs like, âIâm a Scorpio. Scorpios just strike when they feel threatened.â And I was like, âWell, Iâm an archer. We literally stand back, assess the situation, process how we feel about it, raise a bow, pull it back, and fire.â So itâs completely different ways of processing pain, confusion, misconception. And oftentimes Iâve had this delay in feeling something that hurts me and then saying that it hurts me. Do you know what I mean? And so I can understand how people in my life would have been like, âWhoa, I didnât know that was how you felt.â Because it takes me a second.
If you watch the video of the 2009 VMAs, I literally freeze. I literally stand there. And that is how I handle any discomfort, any pain. I stand there, I freeze. And then five minutes later, I know how I feel. But in the moment, Iâm probably overreacting and I should be nice. Then I process it, and in five minutes, if itâs gone, itâs past, and Iâm like, âI was overreacting, everythingâs fine. I can get through this. Iâm glad I didnât say anything harsh in the moment.â But when itâs actually something bad that happened, and I feel really, really hurt or upset about it, I only know after the fact. Because Iâve tried so hard to squash it: âThis probably isnât what you think.â Thatâs something I had to work on.
You could end up gaslighting yourself. Yeah, for sure. âCause so many situations where if I would have said the first thing that came to my mind, people would have been like, âWhoa!â And maybe I would have been wrong or combative. So a couple of years ago I started working on actually just responding to my emotions in a quicker fashion. And itâs really helped with stuff. Itâs helped so much because sometimes you get in arguments. But conflict in the moment is so much better than combat after the fact.
Well, thanks. I do feel like I just did a therapy session. As someone whoâs never been to therapy, I can safely say that was the best therapy session.
#uhhhh#just by copying and editing text I see it's gonna be good =)#can't wait...#taylor swift#interview#by taylor#lover era#Rolling Stone magazine#Brian Hiatt
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Here is a monster match for the wonderful @rofax!Â
âAquarius Sun/Virgo Moon/Taurus Rising. Little bit of an astrology nerd. I like to learn about it. I also think itâs totally made up and makes no logical/scientific sense, but is also right basically 100% of the time. Idk how much you know about astrology but basically I am an eccentric bitch who wants to save the world, is emotionally precise and perfectionist, and seems to really like material things and food! WAHOO. People say my sense of humor is the best thing about me and/or I make them laugh the most, big old bleeding heart, especially for animals. Easily overstimulated ): Anxiety and ADHD are a bitch lol. No self esteem to speak of. I am an atrocity before god. Speaking of: very quiet convert to and practitioner of old (would now be considered) pagan faith. Multiple gods, ancestor worship, local spirits, etc.â
You have been matched with a Huldrekall, the shy, beautiful male counterpart of the alluring Huldra. Contrary to popular belief brought to you by the patriarchy, the Huldrekall are not, in fact, shriveled and disgusting to look at, itâs just that straight men donât like feeling sexually threatened, not even by forest spirits that they donât ever see. Like the females, the Huldrekall are almost intangibly beautiful, with soft, glossy hair and large, innocent eyes, and have mossy, hollowed out backs. While they might easily cover up their backs with clothing, the tails are a bit less easy to hide, as the Huldrekall and Huldras use them for balance, and thus must shift them about while moving.
Like other forest spirits, the Huldra and Huldrekall can be found among the trees at a reasonable distance from human society. Oh, they do sometimes come out of their hiding places, put on a dress, and mingle, in the guise of a mysterious visitor or a passing traveler, but their home will always be back in the forest, no matter how many broken hearts they might leave behind. Besides the occasional affair, the Huldra and Huldrekall have a symbiotic relationship with coal burners, as they are willing to watch over the kilns at night in exchange for human food and the occasional piece of clothing. The coal burners donât get the privilege of seeing their helpers, though, but sleep easy knowing their equipment is being cared for.
Shockingly, the Huldra and Huldrekall seem to respond well to things like good manners, polite exchanges, and positive interactions, almost like they are people with thoughts and opinions of their own. Though, when crossed, the Huldra and Huldrekall are terrifying when they want to be, merciless, cold, just as a human who has been horribly slighted might act. You think that their kind are, well, people, though thatâs not what the fear-mongering, power-hungry humans would have anyone believe. Despite the lower, working-class people out in the country knowing better, the city folk are quick to think that what is unknown must be evil.
You met your Huldrekall while you were out gathering herbs and flowers, deep within the forest. He was laying out in the sun on a large tree root, back towards the sky, face nestled in his arms. It takes you exactly three seconds to realize what youâre looking at before you manage to step on a stray stick, the noise snapping loud enough to make your hair stand on end. Your Huldrekall sits up like a shot, his wide, sparkling eyes a light, dusty magenta, and he looks at you, fear dancing across his face, but something else, too. Curiosity? Fascination? You canât tell before he scampers his tall but lithe body up the tree and through the leaves, hiding from you in the greenery, yet still clearly present as you try to go about your day.
Your Huldrekall follows you as you try to focus on the herbs you need, clinging to the bark of the trees like a child might hang on their mother. At first, you try ignoring him, thinking that heâs only keeping an eye on you because of fear, but there doesnât seem to be a single essence of tenseness in his body as he slides down from one branch to another. While you focus solely on pretending to not notice his movements, he slowly, tentatively approaches, you can feel his unabashed stare burning through your back. Still, you donât turn around, nor give him any hint that you know that he is there, because a part of you is just as interested in him as he seemingly is in you, and you donât want to scare him off.
While you can hear him stiffen every time you accidentally make a move too sudden for his comfort, you donât realize how close to you he really is until you risk a glance over your shoulder. Heâs right there, balanced carefully on a low hanging branch, watching you work with fascinated eyes. He also doesnât run when he catches you looking at him, either, which you suppose is a step in the right direction, he only flinches back ever so slightly. But heâs still there.
You have to go back home eventually, even though you would like for a moment so magical as this to continue on. As you walk back to the forestâs edge, your friend disappears along the way, slinking back through the trees. You donât even know that heâs gone until you turn around to look for him, finding nothing more than the grass and leaves, and you feel⊠well, disappointed, you suppose, but unsurprised. Still, your work will have you back in the forest to forage again soon enough, and a part of you hopes that you will see him when that time comes.
He finds you when it does come, in the dusty rose of the early twilight sky, looking for the petal of a particular flower that only blooms during the first light of dawn. Your Huldrekall approaches with more openness this time around, no longer poised and ready flee. There are times when he is⊠very close, looking over your shoulder, cheek almost touching yours, becoming more and more difficult to ignore. Almost as though heâs suddenly decided to demand attention, yet is still too shy to put anything to words.
Youâre on your knees, fingers digging through the ground in search of certain roots. Heâs mirroring you, sitting across the thicket, hands carefully to the side as he watches you work. Absentmindedly, you begin speaking, not really sure what to do with yourself or the strange silence. âThis is used for joint pain, you grind it up into a paste, then rub it in the inflamed areas.â
âReally?â He asks, the first thing he ever says to you. His voice is smooth, soft, like a sip of cool water on a hot day, and a little tingle runs down your spine.
âY-yes,â you manage to gain your footing again, âit can ease stomach pains too if chewed and swallowed in low quantities.â
Heâs a quick learner, youâll give him that. It probably helps that his curiosity seems insatiable, and once he starts talking, he shows no signs of stopping. The chatting isnât unwelcome, though, and you find him to be a good conversationalist, despite his immediate lack of knowledge of anything outside the forest. Well, he actually has much information when it comes to the ancient magic of the trees themselves, even showing you how to gently tease a bit of energy from the bark if needed. Prayers must be said before and after, as the spirits of the forest donât take kindly to pillaging.
Your Huldrekall is remarkably bright, too, able to pick up your tips and tricks with little to no trouble, able to remember just about everything that comes out of your mouth. All the little remedies and medicines you make donât seem to matter much to him or his kind, though, because of their little magic tricks that seem to do the same, just in a different manner of execution. Still, though, heâs interested in âhuman way of things,â as he calls it, copying your work as you forage and search for different plants. One day, though, you go home and find a little bouquet of plants tied together with a vine, a collection that you donât remember assembling.
Youâve started making a pretty penny selling roots and herbs from the deeper center of the forest since your kind doesnât like going very far passed the outlying trees. Thanks to your magical guide, though, youâre able to venture out much deeper than you might risk by yourself, without having to worry about finding your way back. You could blindfold your Huldrekall, shake him about, and drag him through the trees and vines for miles, and heâd still be able to lead you back to the village where you live. Itâs rather convenient, you suppose, but you donât let anyone know just how easy it is for you, people pay you more if you act like you almost died by some giant, carnivorous flower mere hours before.
The gifts keep appearing. No longer in your basket, sometimes you find a pretty stone or dried blossom in your pockets, now, too, and though you try to figure out how he managed to slip them there without noticing, you canât. You keep everything in a little box, pressing any flowers carefully between books of medicine, and polishing the stones if you get the chance. After letting the gifts pile up a bit, you decide to return the favor, getting a little knick-knack that youâve kept lying around your home. You donât really have anything you can slip it in since your Huldrekall is⊠well, naked, so you cut out the third party and give him the gift point-blank.
Heâs enthralled by it, and by the seeming lack of shyness on your part. Even though itâs just a little cheap object youâve managed to pick up sometime in your past, he acts like it might be worth its weight in gold. While you donât really know what he does with it, you suppose that he must have a nest of some kind, but after that day, you begin to see more of his kind out of the corner of your eye. Up in the trees, hiding between leaves, watching with careful, weary eyes. Like him, though, they warm up to you eventually, some taking longer than others.
You fell asleep, perhaps by accident, one evening. Last night and the night before had been late ones, so your brain is clouded and your movements sluggish. In your head, you only meant to lay among the flowers for a few moments, just to restore a bit of your strength, but after you open your eyes, the sun is in an entirely different position in the sky. Your Huldrekall is nearby, sitting atop a log, his vulnerable back facing you as he plays lookout. He looks back when he hears you stirring, offering a reassuring, sweet smile. You lay your head back down and continue resting, feeling the warmth of safety emanating from him.
Sometime after that, he started to gently tug at your hand when you leave the forest, a little, reassuring squeeze, one that you donât find unwelcome. Once, he follows you through the town, wearing fairly clean clothes from god knows where, and spends the night at your home. People look and people talk, but no oneâs whispers bother you or your business, and they sure as hell donât bother your Huldrekall. His spirit is free and magnetic, those same people who would demonize you for fraternizing outside your species soon become enthralled in his stories and words. Maybe you are a little jealous of all the attention he gets, but he makes it clear that he only has eyes for you.Â
The old gods in the forest are long forgotten by man, but not by your Huldrekall or his kind. They do a sort of worship that must have existed since the dawn of time, dancing and singing towards the moon whenever it is full. You get invited soon after your acceptance by his people, and even though you are nothing more than a quiet, interested viewer at first, that is quick to change. Eventually, you end up holding hands with other Huldra, aiming your face towards the sky and singing a hymn made with a language so old that the words themselves hold power.
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(via Antiauthoritarianism: Illustration via Juxtaposition.)
If the above vid is not the perfect illustration of concept I donât know what is. This is the most recent YouTube upload by Royalty Soaps, what used to be a one-woman soapmaking business that has grown over several years into something else. The backstory here seems to be that at some point, the eldest yet still teenaged daughter in some freakishly large Quiverfull-type family consisting of a mother, a father and a dozen(ish) Irish twins* started making soap and with the help and support of that family has become very successful and has now delegated some of her substantial duties to others.
As described in this vid, this womanâs business recently experienced an unexpected and frightening setback and she relied heavily on her family to correct the situation and save the day, which they did in spades.  They also had the time, energy, material resources and desire to throw her an Insta-worthy backyard 25th birthday party in the midst of this family project.  The party was beautiful and the familial love and care given and received there, as documented in this vidâŠwell watch it for yourself and see what you think.  For me, the experience of watching this was somewhat complicated.  I enjoyed it, was moved by it but it made me deeply uncomfortable and thinkyâŠand hungry for salad, cake and sun tea.
What was so deeply disturbing to me about this footage was the backdrop against which it was shot and Iâm not referring to her (albeit somewhat disturbing) home state of Texas, or a photo prop. Â The backdrop here, as it is most everywhere, is the social context of capitalism and patriarchy and what that means is that, in order for this situation and this footage to exist, this woman has had to comply, comply, comply in order to reap what must be conditional rewards of love; affection; physical presence and caretaking; emotional care and concern; and finally, material things that, under the current system, really only money can buy. Â Doesnât it? Â In her case, she has had to buy into the religious, political and social traditions of her family including the patriarchal authority of her parents, the heterosexual and mommy mandates and more in order to have what she has. Â Of course, the traditions of her family mirror the traditions of her culture more or less exactly.
Luckily for her there does not seem to be any obvious conflict between her own values, conscience etc. and that of her family (or culture) but what if there was? Â What would happen to her if she woke up one day with, say, environmental concerns implicating overpopulation and natalism, or economic concerns implicating capitalism and the money system and the ethics of making and selling soap (or doing anything) for profit? Â What if, God forbid, this Quiverfull (or whatever) daughter woke up one day with feminist concerns which implicate all of that plus the destablization of the patriarchal authority of her father/parents, her husband, her church and the State?
Letâs talk about anitauthoritarianism for a bit. Â Antiauthoritarians, as far as I understand, do not normally stand around trying to sip lemonade through twigs, pissing in the wind or paddling swamped canoes sideways upstream; antiauthoritarians accept some authority in other words, like natural authority/natural law including the laws of physics. Â As described in this article from the Mad In America blog, antiauthoritarians just flatly reject illegitimate authority, or authority that appears to be illegitimate to them:
Anti-authoritarians question whether an authority is a legitimate one before taking that authority seriously. Evaluating the legitimacy of authorities includes assessing whether or not authorities actually know what they are talking about, are honest, and care about those people who are respecting their authority. And when anti-authoritarians assess an authority to be illegitimate, they challenge and resist that authorityâsometimes aggressively and sometimes passive-aggressively, sometimes wisely and sometimes not.
People who do not or cannot accept what they see as illegitimate authority commonly become socially and financially disenfranchised leading to isolation and chronic poverty, homelessness and physical injury and disease. Â Contributing to their disenfranchisement, they are also often diagnosed, by capitalistic patriarchal medical authority no less, as being mentally ill. Â Which is exactly what authoritarian medical providers would tend to think of â and do to â anti-authoritarians innit.
In the case of the founder of Royalty Soaps, she seems to be doing quite well for herself, as far as we know is happy, healthy, and (therefore implicitly) socially, mentally, emotionally, intellectually and materially well-supported. Â But what did it take for her to get there? Â Under the current system of capitalism and patriarchy, since she is not particularly disenfranchised I think we can infer at least that either she is an authoritarian or that she is an antiauthoritarian who has decided that capitalistic and patriarchal authority is legitimate. Â Canât we? Â I suspect that she is an authoritarian but even if she isnât, in either case, she has been willing and able to take direction and correction from (for example) a serial impregnator (her father), a domesticated/patriarchal woman (her mother), an entitled male child (her young husband) and others with such dubious credentials and she seems to be fine with this. Â To be fair, her parents and family do seem to be nice people.
Funnily enough, in this vid we also see her taking direction and correction directly from the capitalistic patriarchal State by way of the townâs Fire Marshall who evicted her noncompliant workspace from her property, but if she ever wakes up with antiauthoritarian tendencies and an anticapitalist or pro-feminist bent the Fire Marshall â or even the State â will be the least of her problems.
The concept of antiauthoritarianism under conditions of capitalism and patriarchy has given me much food for thought and insights into my own life and struggles as a feminist woman in a capitalist patriarchy: I am pretty obviously an antiauthoritarian myself and have been unable to consistently take direction and correction from patriarchal authority which I have deemed illegitimate on its face. Â Of course, under a more or less global social system founded on patriarchy ALL social authority is rather inherently patriarchal isnât it. Â That explains a lot.
I simply cannot take impregnators and oppressors of women or their authority seriously, I cannot take patriarchal handmaidens and/or domesticated women and their authority seriously. Â If some fucking porn addicted greasy manager/patriarchal enforcer/capitalist/prick says or implies that I have to do thus and so or else I will become homeless and raped (disenfranchised in other words) I have always had a serious problem with that.** Â I donât know why more people donât, except that they are either authoritarians, or antiauthoritarians who think the authority of porn addicted greasy pricks is rooted in something legitimate. Â Some people probably do think that, yes. Â But I donât. Â And âauthoritarianâ is not that great of a thing to be.
au·thor·i·tar·i·an adjective favoring or enforcing strict obedience to authority, especially that of the government, at the expense of personal freedom.
âthe transition from an authoritarian to a democratic regimeâ
synonyms: Â autocratic, dictatorial, totalitarian, despotic, tyrannical, autarchic, draconian, absolute, arbitrary, oppressive, repressive, illiberal, undemocratic, antidemocratic
noun an authoritarian person. synonyms: Â autocrat, despot, dictator, tyrant, absolutist.
*The youngest sibling, a toddler girl, was born with Downâs Syndrome and has leukemia for which the parents are subjecting her to chemo and radiation treatment. On that basis alone some people would start to seriously question the values and customs of this family and this culture but this woman doesnât. Â Not yet anyway.
**I donât have any problem avoiding homelessness by, say, not playing with fire, not living on a flood plain if I can help it (learned that one the hard way) or not disassembling my home with a screwdriver and selling the pieces for scrap. Â That means something. Â And the sicker I get, not-doing things â as opposed to doing things â is about the best I can do anyway.
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Drunj!Der Yells About Outlander
Thoughts on Ep. 402
It shouldnât be surprising when I say this post is going to be less jokey than last week. If thatâs not your jam, I recommend you stop reading now and maybe just sing âEveryone is Garbageâ to the tune of Everything is Awesome while you instead go watch the entirety of Underground, or the Rosa Parks episode of Doctor Who.
I have to say, the producers on this show have said a lot of dumb shit in the past. From âFrankâs a good guy!â when heâs portrayed as being objectively awful on screen to âWe donât shy away from the horrors of the past because weâre so daring like that!â as a justification of their need to rape or assault everyone with a pulse. But one of the dumbest things in recent memory was at NYCC when Ron tried to claim that Outlander isnât a political show.
Bullshit. Everything is political.
Using America the Beautiful to underscore how America didnât, and still doesnât, live up to the ideals we sing about in our romanticized versions of our history was political. Albeit in an overly heavy-handed way. Choosing to do an episode about slavery that focuses solely on white people and not the enslaved, who are just there as props for the white peopleâs moral dilemmas, is political. Choosing to show a lynching on screen in a time when Black people are still being killed in horrifying numbers at the hands of white people who are supposed to serve and protect, in a time when Black people have the police called on them while simply having a cookout in a public park, in a time when a white man can shoot an unarmed Black boy and walk away with no consequences, is political.
How we portray Black bodies on screen matters. And in this instance, a *very* white show chose to frame enslaved people as the props against which they highlight the guilt of the white protagonists.
I really do wish they included someone checking to see if Claire, who had a man killed right in front of her, was ok. But instead she just does the emotional labor of assuaging Jamieâs guilt over Bonnetâs attack. Because doing emotional labor is just what women do. *flips off the patriarchy and also the producers*
Young Ianâs awe at River Run, how itâs befitting a king, just highlights how he has no context for what the symbol of a big white plantation house means for so many people. That image is so laden with white supremacy it should immediately trigger a bad taste in any decent personâs mouth. Go ahead and @ me.
Jocasta Cameron is straight garbage, but Maria Doyle Kennedy is fucking amazing. A++ casting, show.
Not sure if the parallel of Jocasta telling Claire to call her Auntie and Claire telling Phaedre and Mary to call her Claire was intentional or not. Will have more to say about that in a second...
Honest question, if the dog who plays Rollo is so poorly trained that they have to cut him out of most scenes, why didnât they get a different dog? Slash, I thought theyâd been training this one since it was a puppy?
âSome River Run hospitality.â *feels nauseous*
I SO hope they donât do the Jocasta and Ulysses having an affair storyline from the books. Please, show, donât do it.
Show!Jocasta is so much more overtly garbage than book!Jocasta. This is a woman who had to flee her country after the Rising because of how horrible the English were to the Scots. Yet she doesnât bat an eye at the concept of keeping human beings as property. Even with Jamie, she isnât thinking of him as his own person, but rather someone she can make do her bidding and use for her own purposes. She should fucking know better, but the promise of benefiting from white supremacy is apparently more beneficial than actually having morals. Fuck you, Jocasta.
Claireâs palpable discomfort with being led around by an enslaved man juxtaposed with Jamie thinking nothing of it as he reminisces about his mother is just the start of me side-eyeing Jamie a lot this episode.
Donât worry, Iâm an equal opportunity side-eyeâer. Claireâs gonna get her share of it too. Starting with her asking Phaedre and Mary to call her Claire.
Claire. You know all about chattel slavery. You know itâs wrong. You know how enslaved people are treated. Why the fuck would you ask Phaedre and Mary to put themselves in a position to potentially face serious consequences for not being âproperly deferentialâ to a white person just to make yourself feel better about being complicit in their enslavement. Sheâs prioritizing making herself feel better at the expense of the potential well-being of Phaedre and Mary. JFC, Claire, do not endanger the marginalized people you claim to care about in the name of wokeness.
The skunk bit with Young Ian and John Quincy Myers is a tad off-putting tbh. I love that Ian wants to learn about Native Americans and looks to find similarities with them rather than think of them as âsavages,â but like theyâre having this convo while completely ignoring the fact that an enslaved boy is filling the tub and like immediately just start talking about banging Native American women. It just feels like they were stretching for some levity when the characters in this episode donât deserve any.
Jamie: âUncle Hector and you have achieved a great amount here, Auntie.â Me:
Jocasta:Â âI purchase them in lots, in order to keep those with children together.â Me:
âOver the years, I found my slaves to be more productive when treated with benevolence. You see, I donât actually see them as people. I only treat them nicely so my property can reach its maximum potential output. I am a garbage human and the myth of the benevolent slave owner is just bullshit that white people tell themselves to absolve themselves of the fact that they benefit from white supremacy.â
That Jocasta can refer to the people she enslaves as both too expensive to be livestock and friends in almost the same breath is peak caucasity. Seriously, show!Jocasta is an irredeemably shit person.
Also Jamie being like oh well done, Auntie, you are so nice to these people makes me want to punch him in his dumbass face. Show!Jamie has been on my last nerve for a while tbh.
Like bro, you literally lived in a cave for fucking years because the English were out to fuck Scots up. You were in prison for fucking years. You served on an English estate, where you were raped, for fucking years. And now you see people who were ripped from their homes and families and brought across the sea against their will (hey remember your nephew, Ian?) and youâre like oh Auntie, youâre such a nice white lady. Go fuck yourself, Jamie.
Jocasta playing the woman card with Jamie to justify her needing him to get involved with the enslaved labor on her plantation is something Colum would be proud of.
And Jocasta being like hey, âClaire, youâve been homeless for a hot minute, shower me in praise for how nice my slave-run house is as I âgraciouslyâ let you stay hereâ is such a power move in the worst possible way. Colum and Dougal raise a glass from whatever afterworld they ended up in.
Claire, girl, why couch your opposition to slavery in the Quaker influence. Own your opinions on this. Take a fucking stand. There are things in life worth standing up for. This is fucking one of them.
Oh Jenny. I love that she wrote to Jocasta about Claire. But also last season still turned me the hell off from show!Jenny so really I donât like that lady.
Fuck each and every one of these yuppie white men.
Aw, woke-ish!Ian. Yes, it was their land, but letâs please not think of the Native American women as sexual conquests like you were earlier. KThxBai.
Ok for real, after living at Leoch and scheming through Paris and then being fucked over by Bonnet, Jamie sure doesn't learn much about people being sneaky. How does he not see where Jocasta was going when she so readily positioned him in a position of authority on the plantation.
Jamie, bro, buying into the benevolent slave owner narrative is not a good look. And by not a good look, I mean you are a garbage person. I get that thatâs the point, but still.
Ok so the book frames Campbell as a friend to the Frasers, and the show is trying to frame him as someone genuinely trying to look out for the Frasersâ best interest. But he has also resigned himself to the reality of his current situation with no desire to try to make things better since it would mean making a personal sacrifice. To which I say, fuck you very much, you coward.
Hi, Iâm Der, and Iâm of the opinion that if you are in a place of privilege and see bigotry and oppression taking place, itâs your duty to stand the fuck up and try to make a change.Â
âIf we take the Tryon option, we donât need to feel bad about slavery and can just bask in our white privilege on stolen Native American land and not have to deal with the consequences of accepting free land from the English, yâknow, the people we hate, for almost a decade.â Cool, Jamie. Cool cool cool. Remember last episode when you were almost woke?Â
Claire acting naive about whatâs going to happen to Rufus should seem out of character. She went back into the past knowing full well how things were there. She knew that if she went back, sheâd be in a time where this was the reality. Yes, she thought sheâd be in Scotland, but thatâs just another sign of her fucking privilege. She was like oh, Iâll just be in Edinburgh and not have to consider slavery. Joe Abernathy did not deserve the shaft he got in season three and he does not deserve fucking peak-white-privilege-the-past-is-fine-because-it-doesnât-really-affect-me Claire as his friend.
Scrub Nurse!Ian is literally the only positive part of this episode.
This entire scene of a room of white guys being like âwe need to uphold the law!â makes me want to kick the shit out of each and every fucker who has ever owned a confederate battle flag t-shirt or a bumper sticker.Â
Also fuck each and every person who voted for the authoritarian narcissist who currently occupies the white house in 2016 or any of his fucking lackeys in the midterms. All these fuckers are straight garbage. And all the fuckers defending the authoritarian tendencies of the current administration can go fuck themselves. Go ahead and @ me.
âDonât worry, my husband is heir to this estate.â Oh donât fucking delude yourself, Claire. Rufus is going to die. And you are complicit in his death. Fucking own it.
*insert obligatory Joe Abernathy deserved better rant here*
I donât like giving partial credit, but at least the show let fucking Rufus tell his own story. Just for a little bit though.
Ok Iâm calling fucking bullshit that Ulysses, a man who (I donât care what his relationship with Jocasta has been) has been enslaved for years, fucking calls Claire out and tells her she should have let Rufus die. Way to fucking try to absolve Claire by having a Black, enslaved man try to make her upcoming actions ok.
Donât act naive, Claire. You know how this was going to end. Rufus was always going to die. You are complicit. There is no escaping that. Fucking own your part. Fucking own your privilege. And also fuck the show for centering this so much on the fucking white people.
Rufus didn't get to be an active participant in his own death. Claire should *not* have been absolved of her decision to kill him by having him ask her to do it. But by not even telling him what she's doing, she's just another white person making decisions for him without his consent. She also should have known to kill him without Jamie telling her to. *gestures at the Graham Menzies part of the books* She knows what's about to happen. She should accept that by choosing to be in the southern colonies, she's going to be complicit in slavery. She made her bed when she decided to go back into the past and now she should have to lay in it.Â
Sure she may not have known that sheâd end up in the colonies, but she still knew sheâd be going back to a time when sheâd end up being part of something that is morally abhorrent. But apparently getting that ginger dick was worth it.
Itâs cute they do a parallel of her helping Rufus to die with her helping Geordie to die. But I canât help but think this is as much for her as for him.
Every white person in this episode is trash. As they fucking should be.
Fuck everyone who defends the continued existence of confederate memorial statues tbh.
I know thatâs out of left field, but yeah, fuck those people.
The fact that this shit is bringing up very real feelings about todayâs political climate makes me fucking angry at the fuckers around today and also the fucking production crew for trying to cater to the meemaws by saying the show isnât political.
Fuck Jamie for being like yeah, I can just pray this shit away. No. God is a cop out. You did this. YOU. You need to own this. Donât you dare hide behind your faith. You will not be absolved.
Fuck this show for showing a fucking lynching and them immediately cutting to Claireâs face to make the lynching about her white guilt. Fuck them.Â
If Jamie and Claire really don't want to be complicit in the atrocities of colonial America, they should move to a city where they could join in the work of starting to dismantle the things they claim to be morally opposed to. Instead they embrace their privilege of getting to ignore slavery by leaving River Run next week and go out to colonize Native American lands.
And just think. After all of this. After witnessing a lynching. In a couple episodes, Jamieâs gonna voluntarily send a guy into slavery!Â
Fuck.
Please all go read Ta-Nehisi Coatesâ Between the World and Me. KThxBai.
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The Rise
EXPECT IT!Â
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DEETS:Â Â
Today is the day we investigate.Â
âThen one day you realized you would still be fighting duels,Â
That you donât just wake up changed,Â
Your fight for change is in all the work,Â
In every micro adjustment you make,
Every time you learn a new chord progression,Â
Itâs in the days your pinky slowly becomes more mobile,Â
In accepting each setback after each triumph,Â
And taking refuge,Â
And feeling a sense of solace,Â
That it is all practice,Â
Practice in not betraying yourself,Â
Practice in being soft,Â
Practice in injuring the patriarchy,Â
Practice in holding up up one more stair for the womxn who will come after,Â
Gazing up at the infinite spiral, hoping for a better chance for the next generations,Â
A view from the summit,Â
Thatâs why you practice,Â
Thatâs why you fight,Â
Thatâs a reason to rock.âÂ
What a wild time to be alive. This shelter in place has been stressful and devastating for so many, and while there is suffering I am grateful for the pause. I have been practicing more guitar and yoga, and doing shadow work. Shadow work refers to a type of psychology that examines the shadow, part of ourselves we may try to hide or deny. Hi ego, hey shame, welcome back pride, you never really left though right, I accept you selfishness, oh judgement my old friend.Â
Stuff like that, I donât want to look at it, but thatâs a gift of time, like the universe saying, âoh I see you have a lot to work on, well you gon work on it now!âÂ
And I feel personal work, shadow work, inner work are important for activism and helping others, so you can meet community from a place of deep awareness. This is important.Â
Itâs strange similar to the guitar battles, this quarantine, this time is making me face my self. Like IâM REALLY FACING MYSELF! And this is hard, but it is strangely enjoyable. Iâm thankful for the privilege to be able to look at myself as a complex, imperfect human being. I feel like I am going through a dark night of the soul over here, but maybe thats what Iâm always doing.Â
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I am thinking of my upcoming guitar battle, the 3rd one, the last one. And to go forward I want to take a moment to go back to what I post 2 years ago in May 2018:Â
Over the course of about 5 years I ran into 3 guys that I had different experiences with, but all of them left me very changed and usually for the better.
I was lovely lonely and wanted attention so I reluctantly ran towards guys who wouldnât and couldnât give me affection. But this wasnât all true.
I wanted what was unavailable because I didnât want to face myself. And the problem with attention is that you cannot have enough. I ran to the wrong people to run away from myself.
After many tears, waking up at 6 am, doing things I wasnât proud of, manic, and out of breath what I remembered was guitar. I think what we seek out and what we envy says a lot about us.
And what I noticed about all these dudes was how much fun they seemed to be having playing guitar. So I try to listen to my envy now, my difficult parts, the hyena. Walk with your hyena. Â I want do what I admire others for doing.
So instead of running to guys with guitar, I will try to be a girl with a guitar running to myself. But is that really such a good idea?
Looking at this is so fun, because even though I am still doing lots of work on myself and on guitar. This is the time to do it, and I am learning again and again how to run to myself in the most authentic and true way for me.
 I still do things I am not proud of, but things do knock me down like they used to, trespasses make me laugh, Iâm walking with my hyena, accepting the hard parts of myself and Iâm having fun playing guitar! I know the more I learn the more fun Iâll have.Â
One of my dear friends was married recently, and although the wedding that was planned couldnât happen, like the rebels we are my group of friends created a small event for the married couple! This was really special to me because my band mate and I got to play some music for them and create a special song just for them. When I think back to a few years ago maybe I could have done a play or something I donât know! But now I can make and play music, I can give a special gift to my friend who has been in life for 16 years! Even if I am not that good yet, it truly warms my heart that I can give in that way, especially to the important people in my life.Â
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The joy I have been able to experience because of playing guitar only happened because I let hard things happen so I am thankful for the hard things too even as I work on them.Â
Some area of darkness I have been focusing on are self-sabotage and self- betrayal. In my first guitar battle and before 2019 I was really focused on undoing societal messaging, undoing the toxic norms I was internalizing from capitalism and the patriarchy. In this revolution, in 2019 and 2020 I got more feedback from 2nd guitar battle and beyond.Â
Now I am digging into what I like to think of as a 2nd ring of conditioning, parental experiences, and how they play out in my life. Thereâs some generational healing especially around addiction. I have a lot more empathy now for those struggling with addiction. Addiction is the kind of god that makes your knees tremble, the human-ness in me has reverence for something that can take your soul so completely.Â
One of my good friends shared a poem with my a few years ago by Portia Nelson that reminds me how the process of moving through self-betrayal or bad habits, doesnât happen fast, it doesnât happen easily and will just look like small changes over time that can add up to a hard won new behavior.Â
I love this poem so much. I cry every time I read it. The chapters acknowledge the process, and shows the change in how we take responsibility for and ultimately give love to ourselves. Iâm at like Chapter 3 now, and looking forward to 4.Â
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One of my other wonderful and lovely friends said to me some words, that I am like a detective investigating and I was like wow I relate to that so much. All this work I like to look at, as if I am solving a big mystery. The only big mystery is reconnecting to myself when I really think about it, and a lot is life work, like all our lives just letting it all be a fun mystery party.Â
As I investigate and self-examine I have been reading and going back to old things to give me some perspective and its been awesome! I started reading, âUntamedâ by Glennon Doyle and did not know how badly I needed this nor, how much felt like revisiting old truths with even more verve even more vigor. I had some reservations at first, but after hearing some recommendations from multiple people I had to dive in. Glennon as the title implies weaves a memoir of how she was caged and how she got free. So much of the book resonates with ideals that I love like womxn being wild, be dark, insatiable, untamable. It covers these usual things like how the patriarchial society teaches women to look outside themselves for validations, to not have wants, to be desirable rather than to desire. How it hurts guys too,how it cages everyone no matter your gender. So theres all of that usual stuff and other great reminders that feel really relevant as I shift through shadows. Here are some echoes and snippets from the book that made me feel full:Â
donât avoid pain, pain is magic, maybe you donât have to seek it out, but if you try to resist it, try to stop it youâre gonna stop yourself, your gonna stop your spirit.Â
not in rebelling and not in obedience
know and let it stand, know what you want, do what you want, donât ask permission, donât explain.Â
a woman full of herself is what we needÂ
One line that reminded me a lot of the guitar battles for me was , âthe moral arch of our lives bends towards meaning, especially if we bend it with all our god damn mightâ. The guitar battles are my way of bending with all my might, and Iâm so glad I did and so glad that no matter what Iâll continue.Â
This book also reminds me of another book I have been reviewing, âSucculent Womenâ by Sark, which talks about so many different great ways to heal and be a woman that really living. It mentions how when we block our darkness we also block our joy and I couldnât agree more. Sometimes pain is to big to feel, but I think if you have the opportunity and the space for it exploring the darkness is always a fruitful venture.Â
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The most revolutionary world to me is one where womxn are living in a way that is most true and beautiful (as the author of Untamed notes) a world with no war, where people are fed and have healthcare, have homes, have clean water, that honors softness, honors feeling and empathy for surely in that kind of world many womxn would rejoice and capitalism and the patriarchy could not exist.Â
I want the music I make to be a dream plan for womxn that know life can be more beautiful more just, more caring, more true.Â
Investigating the darkness feels good and feels right and my guitar battles are also my way of doing that. One day these battles will be over, but whether I beat my rivals or not isnât the main point. Iâm discovering things about myself, so in the best way I can, I practice so Iâm able to dream, plan and imagine through music a world of joy for womxn, because I believe that would be the most joyous world ever.Â
I rewatched a film that is dear to my heart that I saw as a kid. NausicaĂ€ of the Valley of the Wind a Hayao Miyazaki film, which takes place fear in the future after the conflicts of humans have left the earthâs ecosystem completely devastated. Most of the earth has become a toxic jungle and small villages try to survive, and in the Valley of the Wind lives Nausciaa who loves plants and animals, and is a scientists. Seeing how things are today wearing masks, like they do in the film, conflicts raging so sporadically its hard to know which side is which, the film doesnât feel to far off from life today.Â
I bring this up because Nausicaa is a great example of a female protagonist who leads with her softness and sweetness. She loves deeply and is thrown into a rage when her father is killed needlessly by a neighboring kingdom hellbent on destroying the toxic jungle. I appreciate Nausicaa because she is strong and intelligent and seemingly fearless, but what I admire the most is that she cares. Â
I work a lot to protect myself and sometimes hide my softness (although I could never really forget it!). I guess for a while as I have been growing up (and I still have so much growing up to do man!) I started to think maybe I shouldnât be soft anymore, or vulnerable.Â
However its something I really like about all my friends, that I like about Nausicaa and now always want to say I like about myself. I am soft! I am a tender heart here me roar!
I hope as it is May day all the work from shadows, from investigations can help us all imagine and create and take with our hands, as labour and the oppressed of the earth have done so often the justice we all so duly deserve. Â
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UPDATES
I have been practicing a lot of basics like scales and chord progressions which is good for me since I am always trying to go to fast. Since we have more time I have been getting a lot more hours of practice in which is really all I want just to practice forever muwhahahaha! Really trying to slow down even though I can barely play as it is and already want to move on to sweep picking. I am slowing down like a snail working on different signature for a project. No plans. No expectations. Enjoying making something that I canât wait to share, mostly with the ladies :) .Â
I love when you call me names by Joan Armatrading *my new favÂ
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The Rolling Stone Interview: Taylor Swift
In her most in-depth and introspective interview in years, Swift tells all about the rocky road to 'Lover' and much, much more
By BRIAN HIATT
Taylor Swift bursts into her momâs Nashville kitchen, smiling, looking remarkably like Taylor Swift. (That red-lip, classic thing? Check.) âI need someone to help dye my hair pink,â she says, and moments later, her ends match her sparkly nail polish, sneakers, and the stripes on her button-down. Itâs all in keeping with the pastel aesthetic of her new album, Lover; black-leather combat-Taylor from her previous album cycle has handed back the phone. Around the black-granite kitchen island, all is calm and normal, as Swiftâs mom, dad, and younger brother pass through. Her momâs two dogs, one very small, one very large, pounce upon visitors with slurping glee. It could be any 29-year-oldâs weekend visit with her parents, if not for the madness looming a few feet down the hall.
In an airy terrace, 113 giddy, weepy, shaky, still-in-disbelief fans are waiting for the start of one of Swiftâs secret sessions, sacred rituals in Swift-dom. Sheâs about to play them her seventh album, as-yet unreleased on this Sunday afternoon in early August, and offer copious commentary. Also, she made cookies. Just before the session, Swift sits down in her momâs study (where she âoperates the Google,â per her daughter) to chat for a few minutes. The black-walled room is decorated with black-and-white classic-rock photos, including shots of Bruce Springsteen and, unsurprisingly, James Taylor; there are also more recent shots of Swift posing with Kris Kristofferson and playing with Def Leppard, her momâs favorite band.
In a corner is an acoustic guitar Swift played as a teenager. She almost certainly wrote some well-known songs on it, but canât recall which ones. âIt would be kind of weird to finish a song and be like, âAnd this moment, I shall remember,â'â she says, laughing. ââThis guitar hath been anointed with my sacred tuneage!'â
The secret session itself is, as the name suggests, deeply off-the-record; it can be confirmed that she drank some white wine, since her glass pops up in some Instagram pictures. She stays until 5 a.m., chatting and taking photos with every one of the fans. Five hours later, we continue our talk at length in Swiftâs Nashville condo, in almost exactly the same spot where we did one of our interviews for her 2012 Rolling Stone cover story. Sheâs hardly changed its whimsical decor in the past seven years (one of the few additions is a pool table replacing the couch where we sat last time), so itâs an old-Taylor time capsule. Thereâs still a huge bunny made of moss in one corner, and a human-size birdcage in the living room, though the view from the latter is now of generic new condo buildings instead of just distant green hills. Swift is barefoot now, in pale-blue jeans and a blue button-down tied at the waist; her hair is pulled back, her makeup minimal.
How to sum up the past three years of Taylor Swift? In July 2016, after Swift expressed discontent with Kanye Westâs âFamous,â Kim Kardashian did her best to destroy her, unleashing clandestine recordings of a phone conversation between Swift and West. In the piecemeal audio, Swift can be heard agreeing to the line ïżœïżœâŠme and Taylor might still have sex.â We donât hear her learning about the next lyric, the one she says bothered her â âI made that bitch famousâ â and as sheâll explain, thereâs more to her side of the story. The backlash was, well, swift, and overwhelming. It still hasnât altogether subsided. Later that year, Swift chose not to make an endorsement in the 2016 election, which definitely didnât help. In the face of it all, she made Reputation â fierce, witty, almost-industrial pop offset by love songs of crystalline beauty â and had a wildly successful stadium tour. Somewhere in there, she met her current boyfriend, Joe Alwyn, and judging by certain songs on Lover, the relationship is serious indeed.
Lover is Swiftâs most adult album, a rebalancing of sound and persona that opens doors to the next decade of her career; itâs also a welcome return to the sonic diversity of 2012âs Red, with tracks ranging from the St. Vincent-assisted ĂŒber-bop âCruel Summerâ to the unbearably poignant country-fied âSoon Youâll Get Betterâ (with the Dixie Chicks) and the âShake It Offâ-worthy pep of âPaper Rings.â
She wants to talk about the music, of course, but she is also ready to explain the past three years of her life, in depth, for the first time. The conversation is often not a light one. Sheâs built up more armor in the past few years, but still has the opposite of a poker face â you can see every micro-emotion wash over her as she ponders a question, her nose wrinkling in semi-ironic offense at the term âold-school pop stars,â her preposterously blue eyes glistening as she turns to darker subjects. In her worst moments, she says, âYou feel like youâre being completely pulled into a riptide. So what are you going to do? Splash a lot? Or hold your breath and hope you somehow resurface? And thatâs what I did. And it took three years. Sitting here doing an interview â the fact that weâve done an interview before is the only reason Iâm not in a full body sweat.â
When we talked seven years ago, everything was going so well for you, and you were very worried that something would go wrong.
Yeah, I kind of knew it would. I felt like I was walking along the sidewalk, knowing eventually the pavement was going to crumble and I was gonna fall through. You canât keep winning and have people like it. People love ânewâ so much â they raise you up the flagpole, and youâre waving at the top of the flagpole for a while. And then theyâre like, âWait, this new flag is what we actually love.â They decide something youâre doing is incorrect, that youâre not standing for what you should stand for. Youâre a bad example. Then if you keep making music and you survive, and you keep connecting with people, eventually they raise you a little bit up the flagpole again, and then they take you back down, and back up again. And it happens to women more than it happens to men in music.
It also happened to you a few times on a smaller scale, didnât it?
Iâve had several upheavals in my career. When I was 18, they were like, âShe doesnât really write those songs.â So my third album I wrote by myself as a reaction to that. Then they decided I was a serial dater â a boy-crazy man-eater â when I was 22. And so I didnât date anyone for, like, two years. And then they decided in 2016 that absolutely everything about me was wrong. If I did something good, it was for the wrong reasons. If I did something brave, I didnât do it correctly. If I stood up for myself, I was throwing a tantrum. And so I found myself in this endless mockery echo chamber. Itâs just like â I have a brother whoâs two and a half years younger, and we spent the first half of our lives trying to kill each other and the second half as best friends. You know that game kids play? Iâd be like, âMom, can I have some water?â And Austin would be like, âMom, can I have some water?â And Iâm like, âHeâs copying me.â And heâd be like, âHeâs copying me.â Always in a really obnoxious voice that sounds all twisted. Thatâs what it felt like in 2016. So I decided to just say nothing. It wasnât really a decision. It was completely involuntary.
But you also had good things happen in your life at the same time â thatâs part of Reputation.
The moments of my true story on that album are songs like âDelicate,â âNew Yearâs Day,â âCall It What You Want,â âDress.â The one-two punch, bait-and-switch of Reputation is that it was actually a love story. It was a love story in amongst chaos. All the weaponized sort of metallic battle anthems were what was going on outside. That was the battle raging on that I could see from the windows, and then there was what was happening inside my world â my newly quiet, cozy world that was happening on my own terms for the first time. . . . Itâs weird, because in some of the worst times of my career, and reputation, dare I say, I had some of the most beautiful times â in my quiet life that I chose to have. And I had some of the most incredible memories with the friends I now knew cared about me, even if everyone hated me. The bad stuff was really significant and damaging. But the good stuff will endure. The good lessons â you realize that you canât just show your life to people.
Meaning?
I used to be like a golden retriever, just walking up to everybody, like, wagging my tail. âSure, yeah, of course! What do you want to know? What do you need?â Now, I guess, I have to be a little bit more like a fox.
Do your regrets on that extend to the way the âgirl squadâ thing was perceived?
Yeah, I never would have imagined that people would have thought, âThis is a clique that wouldnât have accepted me if I wanted to be in it.â Holy shit, that hit me like a ton of bricks. I was like, âOh, this did not go the way that I thought it was going to go.â I thought it was going to be we can still stick together, just like men are allowed to do. The patriarchy allows men to have bro packs. If youâre a male artist, thereâs an understanding that you have respect for your counterparts.
Whereas women are expected to be feuding with each other?
Itâs assumed that we hate each other. Even if weâre smiling and photographed together with our arms around each other, itâs assumed thereâs a knife in our pocket.
How much of a danger was there of falling into that thought pattern yourself?
The messaging is dangerous, yes. Nobody is immune, because weâre a product of what society and peer groups and now the internet tells us, unless we learn differently from experience.
You once sang about a star who âtook the money and your dignity, and got the hell out.â In 2016, you wrote in your journal, âThis summer is the apocalypse.â How close did you come to quitting altogether?
I definitely thought about that a lot. I thought about how words are my only way of making sense of the world and expressing myself â and now any words I say or write are being twisted against me. People love a hate frenzy. Itâs like piranhas. People had so much fun hating me, and they didnât really need very many reasons to do it. I felt like the situation was pretty hopeless. I wrote a lot of really aggressively bitter poems constantly. I wrote a lot of think pieces that I knew Iâd never publish, about what itâs like to feel like youâre in a shame spiral. And I couldnât figure out how to learn from it. Because I wasnât sure exactly what I did that was so wrong. That was really hard for me, because I cannot stand it when people canât take criticism. So I try to self-examine, and even though thatâs really hard and hurts a lot sometimes, I really try to understand where people are coming from when they donât like me. And I completely get why people wouldnât like me. Because, you know, Iâve had my insecurities say those things â and things 1,000 times worse.
But some of your former critics have become your friends, right?
Some of my best friendships came from people publicly criticizing me and then it opening up a conversation. Haley Kiyoko was doing an interview and she made an example about how I get away with singing about straight relationships and people donât give me shit the way they give her shit for singing about girls â and itâs totally valid. Like, Ella â Lorde â the first thing she ever said about me publicly was a criticism of my image or whatever. But I canât really respond to someone saying, âYou, as a human being, are fake.â And if they say youâre playing the victim, that completely undermines your ability to ever verbalize how you feel unless itâs positive. So, OK, should I just smile all the time and never say anything hurts me? Because thatâs really fake. Or should I be real about how Iâm feeling and have valid, legitimate responses to things that happened to me in my life? But wait, would that be playing the victim?
How do you escape that mental trap?
Since I was 15 years old, if people criticized me for something, I changed it. So you realize you might be this amalgamation of criticisms that were hurled at you, and not an actual person whoâs made any of these choices themselves. And so I decided I needed to live a quiet life, because a quiet personal life invites no discussion, dissection, and debate. I didnât realize I was inviting people to feel they had the right to sort of play my life like a video game.
âThe old Taylor canât come to the phone right now. Why? Because sheâs dead!â was funny â but how seriously should we take it?
Thereâs a part of me that definitely is always going to be different. I needed to grow up in many ways. I needed to make boundaries, to figure out what was mine and what was the publicâs. That old version of me that shares unfailingly and unblinkingly with a world that is probably not fit to be shared with? I think thatâs gone. But it was definitely just, like, a fun moment in the studio with me and Jack [Antonoff] where I wanted to play on the idea of a phone call â because thatâs how all of this started, a stupid phone call I shouldnât have picked up.
It would have been much easier if thatâs what youâd just said.
It would have been so, so great if I would have just said that [laughs].
Some of the Lover iconography does suggest old Taylorâs return, though.
I donât think Iâve ever leaned into the old version of myself more creatively than I have on this album, where itâs very, very autobiographical. But also moments of extreme catchiness and moments of extreme personal confession.
Did you do anything wrong from your perspective in dealing with that phone call? Is there anything you regret?
The world didnât understand the context and the events that led up to it. Because nothing ever just happens like that without some lead-up. Some events took place to cause me to be pissed off when he called me a bitch. That was not just a singular event. Basically, I got really sick of the dynamic between he and I. And that wasnât just based on what happened on that phone call and with that song â it was kind of a chain reaction of things.
I started to feel like we reconnected, which felt great for me â because all I ever wanted my whole career after that thing happened in 2009 was for him to respect me. When someone doesnât respect you so loudly and says you literally donât deserve to be here â I just so badly wanted that respect from him, and I hate that about myself, that I was like, âThis guy whoâs antagonizing me, I just want his approval.â But thatâs where I was. And so weâd go to dinner and stuff. And I was so happy, because he would say really nice things about my music. It just felt like I was healing some childhood rejection or something from when I was 19. But the 2015 VMAs come around. Heâs getting the Vanguard Award. He called me up beforehand â I didnât illegally record it, so I canât play it for you. But he called me up, maybe a week or so before the event, and we had maybe over an hourlong conversation, and heâs like, âI really, really would like for you to present this Vanguard Award to me, this would mean so much to me,â and went into all the reasons why it means so much, because he can be so sweet. He can be the sweetest. And I was so stoked that he asked me that. And so I wrote this speech up, and then we get to the VMAs and I make this speech and he screams, âMTV got Taylor Swift up here to present me this award for ratings!â [His exact words: âYou know how many times they announced Taylor was going to give me the award âcause it got them more ratings?â] And Iâm standing in the audience with my arm around his wife, and this chill ran through my body. I realized he is so two-faced. That he wants to be nice to me behind the scenes, but then he wants to look cool, get up in front of everyone and talk shit. And I was so upset. He wanted me to come talk to him after the event in his dressing room. I wouldnât go. So then he sent this big, big thing of flowers the next day to apologize. And I was like, âYou know what? I really donât want us to be on bad terms again. So whatever, Iâm just going to move past this.â So when he gets on the phone with me, and I was so touched that he would be respectful and, like, tell me about this one line in the song.
The line being â. . . me and Taylor might still have sexâ?
[Nods] And I was like, âOK, good. Weâre back on good terms.â And then when I heard the song, I was like, âIâm done with this. If you want to be on bad terms, letâs be on bad terms, but just be real about it.â And then he literally did the same thing to Drake. He gravely affected the trajectory of Drakeâs family and their lives. Itâs the same thing. Getting close to you, earning your trust, detonating you. I really donât want to talk about it anymore because I get worked up, and I donât want to just talk about negative shit all day, but itâs the same thing. Go watch Drake talk about what happened. [West denied any involvement in Pusha-Tâs revelation of Drakeâs child and apologized for sending ânegative energyâ toward Drake.]
When did you get to the place thatâs described on the opening track of Lover, âI Forgot That You Existedâ?
It was sometime on the Reputation tour, which was the most transformative emotional experience of my career. That tour put me in the healthiest, most balanced place Iâve ever been. After that tour, bad stuff can happen to me, but it doesnât level me anymore. The stuff that happened a couple of months ago with Scott [Borchetta] would have leveled me three years ago and silenced me. I would have been too afraid to speak up. Something about that tour made me disengage from some part of public perception I used to hang my entire identity on, which I now know is incredibly unhealthy.
What was the actual revelation?
Itâs almost like I feel more clear about the fact that my job is to be an entertainer. Itâs not like this massive thing that sometimes my brain makes it into, and sometimes the media makes it into, where weâre all on this battlefield and everyoneâs gonna die except one person, who wins. Itâs like, âNo, do you know what? Katy is going to be legendary. Gaga is going to be legendary. BeyoncĂ© is going to be legendary. Rihanna is going to be legendary. Because the work that they made completely overshadows the myopia of this 24-hour news cycle of clickbait.â And somehow I realized that on tour, as I was looking at peopleâs faces. Weâre just entertaining people, and itâs supposed to be fun.
Itâs interesting to look at these albums as a trilogy. 1989 was really a reset button.
Oh, in every way. Iâve been very vocal about the fact that that decision was mine and mine alone, and it was definitely met with a lot of resistance. Internally.
After realizing that things were not all smiles with your former label boss, Scott Borchetta, itâs hard not to wonder how much additional conflict there was over things like that.
A lot of the best things I ever did creatively were things that I had to really fight â and I mean aggressively fight â to have happen. But, you know, Iâm not like him, making crazy, petty accusations about the past. . . . When you have a business relationship with someone for 15 years, there are going to be a lot of ups and a lot of downs. But I truly, legitimately thought he looked at me as the daughter he never had. And so even though we had a lot of really bad times and creative differences, I was going to hang my hat on the good stuff. I wanted to be friends with him. I thought I knew what betrayal felt like, but this stuff that happened with him was a redefinition of betrayal for me, just because it felt like it was family. To go from feeling like youâre being looked at as a daughter to this grotesque feeling of âOh, I was actually his prized calf that he was fattening up to sell to the slaughterhouse that would pay the most.â
He accused you of declining the Parkland march and Manchester benefit show.
Unbelievable. Hereâs the thing: Everyone in my team knew if Scooter Braun brings us something, do not bring it to me. The fact that those two are in business together after the things he said about Scooter Braun â itâs really hard to shock me. And this was utterly shocking. These are two very rich, very powerful men, using $300 million of other peopleâs money to purchase, like, the most feminine body of work. And then theyâre standing in a wood-panel bar doing a tacky photo shoot, raising a glass of scotch to themselves. Because they pulled one over on me and got this done so sneakily that I didnât even see it coming. And I couldnât say anything about it.
In some ways, on a musical level, Lover feels like the most indie-ish of your albums.
Thatâs amazing, thank you. Itâs definitely a quirky record. With this album, I felt like I sort of gave myself permission to revisit older themes that I used to write about, maybe look at them with fresh eyes. And to revisit older instruments â older in terms of when I used to use them. Because when I was making 1989, I was so obsessed with it being this concept of Eighties big pop, whether it was Eighties in its production or Eighties in its nature, just having these big choruses â being unapologetically big. And then Reputation, there was a reason why I had it all in lowercase. I felt like it wasnât unapologetically commercial. Itâs weird, because that is the album that took the most amount of explanation, and yet itâs the one I didnât talk about. In the Reputation secret sessions I kind of had to explain to my fans, âI know weâre doing a new thing here that Iâd never done before.â Iâd never played with characters before. For a lot of pop stars, thatâs a really fun trick, where theyâre like, âThis is my alter ego.â I had never played with that before. Itâs really fun. And it was just so fun to play with on tour â the darkness and the bombast and the bitterness and the love and the ups and the downs of an emotional-turmoil record.
RS1332Taylor SwiftPhotograph by by Erik Madigan Heck for Rolling Stone
Photograph by by Erik Madigan Heck for Rolling Stone.
Dress by Louis Vuitton. Earrings by Jessica McCormack
âDaylightâ is a beautiful song. It feels like it could have been the title track.
It almost was. I thought it might be a little bit too sentimental.
And I guess maybe too on-the-nose.
Right, yeah, way too on-the-nose. Thatâs what I thought, because I was kind of in my head referring to the album as Daylight for a while. But Lover, to me, was a more interesting title, more of an accurate theme in my head, and more elastic as a concept. Thatâs why âYou Need to Calm Downâ can make sense within the theme of the album â one of the things it addresses is how certain people are not allowed to live their lives without discrimination just based on who they love.
For the more organic songs on this album, like âLoverâ and âPaper Rings,â you said you were imagining a wedding band playing them. How often does that kind of visualization shape a songâs production style?
Sometimes Iâll have a strange sort of fantasy of where the songs would be played. And so for songs like âPaper Ringsâ or âLoverâ I was imagining a wedding-reception band, but in the Seventies, so they couldnât play instruments that wouldnât have been invented yet. I have all these visuals. For Reputation, it was nighttime cityscape. I didnât really want any â or very minimal â traditional acoustic instruments. I imagined old warehouse buildings that had been deserted and factory spaces and all this industrial kind of imagery. So I wanted the production to have nothing wooden. Thereâs no wood floors on that album. Lover is, like, completely just a barn wood floor and some ripped curtains flowing in the breeze, and fields of flowers and, you know, velvet.
How did you come to use high school metaphors to touch on politics with âMiss Americana & the Heartbreak Princeâ?
There are so many influences that go into that particular song. I wrote it a couple of months after midterm elections, and I wanted to take the idea of politics and pick a metaphorical place for that to exist. And so I was thinking about a traditional American high school, where thereâs all these kinds of social events that could make someone feel completely alienated. And I think a lot of people in our political landscape are just feeling like we need to huddle up under the bleachers and figure out a plan to make things better.
I feel like your Fall Out Boy fandom mightâve slipped out in that title.
I love Fall Out Boy so much. Their songwriting really influenced me, lyrically, maybe more than anyone else. They take a phrase and they twist it. âLoaded God complex/Cock it and pull itâ? When I heard that, I was like, âIâm dreaming.â
You sing about âAmerican stories burning before me.â Do you mean the illusions of what America is?
Itâs about the illusions of what I thought America was before our political landscape took this turn, and that naivete that we used to have about it. And itâs also the idea of people who live in America, who just want to live their lives, make a living, have a family, love who they love, and watching those people lose their rights, or watching those people feel not at home in their home. I have that line âI see the high-fives between the bad guysâ because not only are some really racist, horrific undertones now becoming overtones in our political climate, but the people who are representing those concepts and that way of looking at the world are celebrating loudly, and itâs horrific.
Youâre in this weird place of being a blond, blue-eyed pop star in this era â to the point where until you endorsed some Democratic candidates, right-wingers, and worse, assumed you were on their side.
I donât think they do anymore. Yeah, that was jarring, and I didnât hear about that until after it had happened. Because at this point, I, for a very long time, I didnât have the internet on my phone, and my team and my family were really worried about me because I was not in a good place. And there was a lot of stuff that they just dealt with without telling me about it. Which is the only time thatâs ever happened in my career. Iâm always in the pilot seat, trying to fly the plane that is my career in exactly the direction I want to take it. But there was a time when I just had to throw my hands up and say, âGuys, I canât. I canât do this. I need you to just take over for me and Iâm just going to disappear.â
Are you referring to when a white-supremacist site suggested you were on their team?
I didnât even see that, but, like, if that happened, thatâs just disgusting. Thereâs literally nothing worse than white supremacy. Itâs repulsive. There should be no place for it. Really, I keep trying to learn as much as I can about politics, and itâs become something Iâm now obsessed with, whereas before, I was living in this sort of political ambivalence, because the person I voted for had always won. We were in such an amazing time when Obama was president because foreign nations respected us. We were so excited to have this dignified person in the White House. My first election was voting for him when he made it into office, and then voting to re-elect him. I think a lot of people are like me, where they just didnât really know that this could happen. But Iâm just focused on the 2020 election. Iâm really focused on it. Iâm really focused on how I can help and not hinder. Because I also donât want it to backfire again, because I do feel that the celebrity involvement with Hillaryâs campaign was used against her in a lot of ways.
You took a lot of heat for not getting involved. Does any part of you regret that you just didnât say âfuck itâ and gotten more specific when you said to vote that November?
Totally. Yeah, I regret a lot of things all the time. Itâs like a daily ritual.
Were you just convinced that it would backfire?
Thatâs literally what it was. Yeah. Itâs a very powerful thing when you legitimately feel like numbers have proven that pretty much everyone hates you. Like, quantifiably. Thatâs not me being dramatic. And you know that.
There were a lot of people in those stadiums.
Itâs true. But that was two years later. . . . I do think, as a party, we need to be more of a team. With Republicans, if youâre wearing that red hat, youâre one of them. And if weâre going to do anything to change whatâs happening, we need to stick together. We need to stop dissecting why someoneâs on our side or if theyâre on our side in the right way or if they phrased it correctly. We need to not have the right kind of Democrat and the wrong kind of Democrat. We need to just be like, âYouâre a Democrat? Sick. Get in the car. Weâre going to the mall.â
Hereâs a hard question for you: As a superfan, what did you think of the Game of Thrones finale?
Oh, my God. Iâve spent a lot of time thinking about this. So, clinically our brain responds to our favorite show ending the same way we feel when a breakup occurs. I read that. Thereâs no good way for it to end. No matter what would have happened in that finale, people still would have been really upset because of the fact that itâs over.
I was glad to see you confirm that your line about a âlist of namesâ was a reference to Arya.
I like to be influenced by movies and shows and books and stuff. I love to write about a character dynamic. And not all of my life is going to be as kind of complex as these intricate webs of characters on TV shows and movies.
There was a time when it was.
Thatâs amazing.
But is the idea that as your own life becomes less dramatic, youâll need to pull ideas from other places?
I donât feel like that yet. I think I might feel like that possibly when I have a family. If I have a family. [Pauses] I donât know why I said that! But thatâs what Iâve heard from other artists, that they were very protective of their personal life, so they had to draw inspiration from other things. But again, I donât know why I said that. Because I donât know how my life is going to go or what Iâm going to do. But right now, I feel like itâs easier for me to write than it ever was.
You donât talk about your relationship, but youâll sing about it in wildly revealing detail. Whatâs the difference for you?
Singing about something helps you to express it in a way that feels more accurate. You cannot, no matter what, put words in a quote and have it move someone the same way as if you heard those words with the perfect sonic representation of that feeling. . . . There is that weird conflict in being a confessional songwriter and then also having my life, you know, 10 years ago, be catapulted into this strange pop-culture thing.
Iâve heard you say that people got too interested in which song was about who, which I can understand â at the same time, to be fair, it was a game you played into, wasnât it?
I realized very early on that no matter what, that was going to happen to me regardless. So when you realize the rules of the game youâre playing and how it will affect you, you got to look at the board and make your strategy. But at the same time, writing songs has never been a strategic element of my career. But Iâm not scared anymore to say that other things in my career, like how to market an album, are strictly strategic. And Iâm sick of women not being able to say that they have strategic business minds â because male artists are allowed to. And so Iâm sick and tired of having to pretend like I donât mastermind my own business. But, itâs a different part of my brain than I use to write.
Youâve been masterminding your business since you were a teenager.
Yeah, but Iâve also tried very hard â and this is one thing I regret â to convince people that I wasnât the one holding the puppet strings of my marketing existence, or the fact that I sit in a conference room several times a week and come up with these ideas. I felt for a very long time that people donât want to think of a woman in music who isnât just a happy, talented accident. Weâre all forced to kind of be like, âAw, shucks, this happened again! Weâre still doing well! Aw, thatâs so great.â Alex Morgan celebrating scoring a goal at the World Cup and getting shit for it is a perfect example of why weâre not allowed to flaunt or celebrate, or reveal that, like, âOh, yeah, it was me. I came up with this stuff.â I think itâs really unfair. People love new female artists so much because theyâre able to explain that womanâs success. Thereâs an easy trajectory. Look at the Game of Thrones finale. I specifically really related to Daenerysâ storyline because for me it portrayed that it is a lot easier for a woman to attain power than to maintain it.
I mean, she did murder . . .
Itâs a total metaphor! Like, obviously I didnât want Daenerys to become that kind of character, but in taking away what I chose to take away from it, I thought maybe theyâre trying to portray her climbing the ladder to the top was a lot easier than maintaining it, because for me, the times when I felt like I was going insane was when I was trying to maintain my career in the same way that I ascended. Itâs easier to get power than to keep it. Itâs easier to get acclaim than to keep it. Itâs easier to get attention than to keep it.
Well, I guess we should be glad you didnât have a dragon in 2016. . . .
[Fiercely] I told you I donât like that she did that! But, I mean, watching the show, though, maybe this is a reflection on how we treat women in power, how we are totally going to conspire against them and tear at them until they feel this â this insane shift, where you wonder, like, âWhat changed?â And Iâve had that happen, like, 60 times in my career where Iâm like, âOK, you liked me last year, what changed? I guess Iâll change so I can keep entertaining you guys.â
You once said that your mom could never punish you when you were little because youâd punish yourself. This idea of changing in the face of criticism and needing approval â thatâs all part of wanting to be good, right? Whatever that means. But that seems to be a real driving force in your life.
Yeah, thatâs definitely very perceptive of you. And the question posed to me is, if you kept trying to do good things, but everyone saw those things in a cynical way and assumed them to be done with bad motivation and bad intent, would you still do good things, even though nothing that you did was looked at as good? And the answer is, yes. Criticism thatâs constructive is helpful to my character growth. Baseless criticism is stuff Iâve got to toss out now.
That sounds healthy. Is this therapy talking or is this just experience?
No, Iâve never been to therapy. I talk to my mom a lot, because my mom is the one whoâs seen everything. God, it takes so long to download somebody on the last 29 years of my life, and my mom has seen it all. She knows exactly where Iâm coming from. And we talk endlessly. There were times when I used to have really, really, really bad days where we would just be on the phone for hours and hours and hours. Iâd write something that I wanted to say, and instead of posting it, Iâd just read it to her.
I somehow connect all this to the lyric in âDaylight,â the idea of âso many lines that Iâve crossed unforgivenâ â itâs a different kind of confession.
I am really glad you liked that line, because thatâs something that does bother me, looking back at life and realizing that no matter what, you screw things up. Sometimes there are people that were in your life and theyâre not anymore â and thereâs nothing you can do about it. You canât fix it, you canât change it. I told the fans last night that sometimes on my bad days, I feel like my life is a pile of crap accumulated of only the bad headlines or the bad things that have happened, or the mistakes Iâve made or clichĂ©s or rumors or things that people think about me or have thought for the last 15 years. And that was part of the âLook What You Made Me Doâ music video, where I had a pile of literal old selves fighting each other.
But, yeah, that line is indicative of my anxiety about how in life you canât get everything right. A lot of times you make the wrong call, make the wrong decision. Say the wrong thing. Hurt people, even if you didnât mean to. You donât really know how to fix all of that. When itâs, like, 29 yearsâ worth.
To be Mr. âRolling Stoneâ for a second, thereâs a Springsteen lyric, âAinât no one leaving this world, buddy/Without their shirttail dirty or hands a little bloody.â
Thatâs really good! No one gets through it unscathed. No one gets through in one piece. I think thatâs a hard thing for a lot of people to grasp. I know it was hard for me, because I kind of grew up thinking, âIf Iâm nice, and if I try to do the right thing, you know, maybe I can just, like, ace this whole thing.â And it turns out I canât.
Itâs interesting to look at âI Did Something Badâ in this context.
You pointing that out is really interesting because itâs something Iâve had to reconcile within myself in the last couple of years â that sort of âgoodâ complex. Because from the time I was a kid Iâd try to be kind, be a good person. Try really hard. But you get walked all over sometimes. And how do you respond to being walked all over? You canât just sit there and eat your salad and let it happen. âI Did Something Badâ was about doing something that was so against what I would usually do. Katy [Perry] and I were talking about our signs. . . . [Laughs] Of course we were.
Thatâs the greatest sentence ever.
[Laughs] I hate you. We were talking about our signs because we had this really, really long talk when we were reconnecting and stuff. And I remember in the long talk, she was like, âIf we had one glass of white wine right now, weâd both be crying.â Because we were drinking tea. Weâve had some really good conversations.
We were talking about how weâve had miscommunications with people in the past, not even specifically with each other. Sheâs like, âIâm a Scorpio. Scorpios just strike when they feel threatened.â And I was like, âWell, Iâm an archer. We literally stand back, assess the situation, process how we feel about it, raise a bow, pull it back, and fire.â So itâs completely different ways of processing pain, confusion, misconception. And oftentimes Iâve had this delay in feeling something that hurts me and then saying that it hurts me. Do you know what I mean? And so I can understand how people in my life would have been like, âWhoa, I didnât know that was how you felt.â Because it takes me a second.
If you watch the video of the 2009 VMAs, I literally freeze. I literally stand there. And that is how I handle any discomfort, any pain. I stand there, I freeze. And then five minutes later, I know how I feel. But in the moment, Iâm probably overreacting and I should be nice. Then I process it, and in five minutes, if itâs gone, itâs past, and Iâm like, âI was overreacting, everythingâs fine. I can get through this. Iâm glad I didnât say anything harsh in the moment.â But when itâs actually something bad that happened, and I feel really, really hurt or upset about it, I only know after the fact. Because Iâve tried so hard to squash it: âThis probably isnât what you think.â Thatâs something I had to work on
You could end up gaslighting yourself.
Yeah, for sure. âCause so many situations where if I would have said the first thing that came to my mind, people would have been like, âWhoa!â And maybe I would have been wrong or combative. So a couple of years ago I started working on actually just responding to my emotions in a quicker fashion. And itâs really helped with stuff. Itâs helped so much because sometimes you get in arguments. But conflict in the moment is so much better than combat after the fact.
Well, thanks.
I do feel like I just did a therapy session. As someone whoâs never been to therapy, I can safely say that was the best therapy session.
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Fools, Fellas, Feminism and Oprah: An Interview with Stephanie Graham
Fella #3, Stephanie Graham
I got to meet Stephanie Graham at the BING Reading Room for the Chicago on My Mind afterparty, thanks to connector extraordinare, Sabina Ott. We swung it out and I felt great in her presence. Graham says âOprah is a girlfriend and I want to be that to my subjectsâ, which feels 100% true spending even five minutes with her. It makes for some extraordinary artworkâfrom the loving, hilarious, and incredibly absorbing interviews in So This One Guy, to #NEWGLOBALMATRIARCHY, her project with Maya Mackrandilal slaying sexism for all.
Enjoy this irresistible interview!
First of all, I am crazy about your work from a lot of perspectives. I really enjoy the performance strategies, the inclusion of many voicesâeven when they are all your own. Letâs start with Fellas Project, a series of re-enactments and photographs staging relationship events. I would love to hear more about your choice to use yourself as all the characters! As well, Iâd love to hear what youâve uncovered in the process.
YAY! That makes me so happy to hear you enjoy the work! Thanks for interviewing me too! I'm really honored!! Shout out to Sabina Ott for connecting us! I'm very thankful!
So the FELLA Project was a personal project I wanted to create after I felt like I was just getting into these ridiculous situations with guys I was dating, and I was over it! I was over them, and I was over myself for putting myself in these situations with FOOLS. I mean complete FOOLS! I don't know if they are Fools or just the situations but anyway. Since these were my stories, I wanted to participate in them. I don't think it would have worked the other way.  Dudes would be like "ooh are you going to do a photo on me?" I'm like umâŠthis is not a celebratory thing boo boo this is real life LOL.
Others have wanted me to photograph them as their past relationships, I thought that was interesting, but then it also felt gimmicky like I was running a Groupon and that's not the goal of the work. Â FELLAS is a project of how I saw the situation.
FELLAS was also a project where I learned that I was being seen as a performance artist and I didn't like that because I always saw performance art as black leotards and being weird but now I see that its not ALWAYS black leotards and I'm getting better at accepting the medium for myself now.
Laura, So This One Guy Project
So This One Guy explores similar themes, but from the perspective of diverse, dating women. I love the inclusion of your laughter and feedback in the interviews, it has an intimacy. These have a conversational, but storytelling quality and reveal a lot about gender dynamics. How do you think your various strategies uncovered new narratives? What was your process of interviewee selection?
Thank you! I love hearing peoplesâ experiences it's my favorite thing to listen to a great story. I'm also very nosy so I like to ask questions to find out how someone got to a certain point. I'm trying to be Oprah in my interview strategy, Oprah is a girlfriend I want to be that to my subjects. Also sometimes feminism stuff can be so structured, I can be mad feminist but homeboy still needs to pay the bill WTF!Â
My process for finding interviewees was anyone who felt comfortable sharing a story where they can have a good sense of humor. I never know the stories the ladies are going to share, unless they have several stories and just need help picking one, and then I look at the following:
1. Is this funny;
2. Will the dude bother my subject after this story is out there;
3. Does this show the woman in a good light?
#3 is interesting for me, and something I think about. I remember interviewing a woman that was a jerk about her situation; she used the man she was speaking about for free meals and jewelry! It was intriguing because that's not my life I've never dated someone to take me out to get jewelry but I'm not trying to have comments making fun of my subjects or putting them down, and that was what would have happened to her. Maybe I will change that in the future because dating has all sorts of levels but for now. I just want the ladies to be chill, look fly and tell a story that we can all chuckle at and find it relatable.
I'm always experimenting with different ways to get the stories because this is a project that I want to keep going but I want it to be visually interesting for the viewer.
I have learned that internet dating is a no go! I have tried it I know many finds success but damn...lots of the stories comes from dudes found on a website or app.
#NEWGLOBALMATRIARCHY Maya Mackrandilal, Stephanie Graham Photo: Doug McGoldrick
I am beyond excited you will be sharing #NEWGLOBALMATRIARCHY at our Revolution at Point Zero Feminist Social Practice Symposium April 21! As someone who grew up around goddess-worshiping feminists, I particularly love the strategies of performance of myth and radical rethinking of culture and our collective future. How did this project evolve, and what are your plans for new interventions?
Thanks! I'm excited also the line up you have is awesome its going to be a beautiful day! I'm curious which goddesses you grew up worshiping that's amazing!
Maya and I met at the HATCH Projects Residency at the Chicago Artists Coalition. Maya had been working on this project called "Bedtime Stories of White Supremacy" where she plays the Goddess Lakshmi and tells stories of slaying white supremacy with another performance collective FemMelanin. Â I loved it, and Maya approached me about working together once. I said to her hmmm what if Lakshmi had a friend...Â
So here comes Oya. If you look at the way media displays female friendships there is some sort of hierarchy where there is always one friend that is higher than the other, I always give the example of Oprah and Gayle, both successful but we all know Oprah is the big dog right? With Oya and Lakshmi, both of these goddesses can end the world on their own neither is bigger than the other they are seen and treat each other as equals.Â
So together Oya and Lakshmi has come into Chicago creating mini-protests and letting the world know that we are not here for the patriarchal bullshit!! They are ruining everything, so we are here to fix it all, per usual everything is better when a woman takes care of it.
I think #NEWGLOBALMATRIARCHY is fun and approachable which is good because I like to create things that have an easy access point because once you've decided to go to the party the next step is talking to the people and the viewer gets to decide how deep they want to get in the work. Some people like to just take a protest button and post themselves wearing it, others want to go deeper and share their own experiences of and radical dreams and I'm here for all of that.Â
Maya and I recently contributed an essay to Jessica Caprnigro's "Feminist Advice From the City of Broad Shoulders." That was a fantastic opportunity and challenge for me because I've never contributed an essay before so now not only am I performance artist( got dammit!) I'm an essayist. Maya on the other hand writes all the time and is an excellent writer.
Maya is currently living and working in Los Angeles which is great for expansion, we are brainstorming whatâs next.
I am crazy for this quote from #NEWGLOBALMATRIARCHY: âWhat does it mean to be a strong woman with friends in a culture that can only imagine female sexual competition for the ever-elusive âgood manâ?â How do you two construct new mythologies and futures for women?
Well, I would hope at its most basic form it shows âsee women can get along and love each other and slay the world all at the same damn time, we recognize each others strengths see each other as equals and get the job doneâ!
I get tired of the nit pick that women can bring or hearing women maybe having issue with another woman co worker or someone in management and its like okay.. if everyone would stop and work together everyone would have a lot less anxiety and a lot more could get done. Oya and Lakshmi both understand each other in a sense that they are both equally the bomb. You donât want to mess with either goddess on there own but once you found out they are best girlfriendsâŠlook out world!!!! The Patriarchy should be afraidâŠ.
Sort of reminds me of a friend of mine that was shocked to find out a girl he once dated was one of my friends. He was like âoh i didnât know yâall were friendsâ well now you know buddy so WATCH OUT!!
Iâm really interested in hearing how you see your mythical and fantasy-based work like #NEWGLOBALMATRIARCHY in conversation with the womanist tradition of artists like Walker and Morrison, and current artists like Cauleen Smith, Wagechi Mutu, Krista Franklin, and other artists who use Afrosurreal or AfroFuturist strategies to construct representations of women.
Oh man these are some heavy hitters that you have named here. It would be an honor to be grouped with any of these women Iâm fans of them all, I think I am still discovering where my voice would lie with these women but what I do know is that I like to make work that has an easy entry point because art can be hard to get into, I want to make that easier because I think art should be enjoyed and talked about with everyone so it takes all kinds and all access points, and I think if you imagining with me that you are a goddess and it makes you slay your day and stand up to racism and patriarchal foolishness dope, if hearing a woman talk about a date makes you thinkâŠyou know what EFF MY SITUATION or whatever that's good with me. I think my work is playful and humorous but still deals with real shit so its digestible...hmmm gee could I be the Key and Peele of the art world oh shit I donât know if i like thatâŠIâm new to the game so Iâm still working on that.
Golden Kids, exhibition still. Photo: David Crewe
Some artists who come to mind I think share some your ideas include Ryan Trecartin, Nikki S. Lee, and Howardina Pindell--who are some of your inspirations?
Wow, thanks for the afternoon of learning of these artists, the only one out of this bunch that I heard of was Nikki S. Lee. Â I love Carrie Mae Weems, Mickalene Thomas, Renee Cox and of course Cindy Sherman, Gary Wineogrand, Kerry James Marshall but most of all I really really love Anthony Gioceloa.Â
Where can we see your work in the upcoming months?
I'm really working on organizing and making my studio great because I want to start having people over for conversations about my work, so after your symposium and Open Engagement are concluded I'm participating in the Petty Biennial curated by La Keisha Leek and Sadie Woods. I'm exploring a new idea for that show though and that idea is investigating and celebrating the culture around a leather coat company called Pelle Pelle! Iâm really excited about the show and it opens May 19th.
#stephanie graham#newglobalmatriarchy#Fellas Project#Petty Biennial#Feminist Social Practice Symposium#so this one guy#interview#melissa hilliard potter
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What is Feminism? An outside male perspective
First I think I need to acknowledge that feminism means vastly different things to different people. There are quite incompatible, warring factions within the movement, and what I dub amateur feminism or feminism of the masses, is another story altogether. I am talking about the feminism of the vast majority of self-described feminists who never came in direct contact with professional gender studies or feminist theory and wish for nothing but equality.
What I think all feminists have in common is the perspective that our world is male-dominated, that there is a relative lack of positive female role models even within the west - which is true if your viewpoint is that you need your role models to share such superficial criteria as sex, sexuality, and gender with yourself - and that our society values males more than it does females.
 I should introduce myself. I go by Kershmaru, which is an old Gamertag I came up with. It consists of a nonsensical first syllable and an ending for Japanese first names. So I am Japanophile. Sue me.
I do value my privacy and privacy rights in general (you donât have to fear that I expose private conversations between us, or even write about them in an anonymous format without your express permission), but that is not the reason I go by a pseudonym. I may or may not announce my real name after some time. There is a reason for my anonymity: Part of my philosophy is that the source shouldnât matter and that every post, every argument, and every article should be able to stand on their own, on their own merit.
I am 27, single, male, white, an atheist and from Austria, for those of you who care about such things. Personally, I think that my writing tells you more about myself than those more or less random metrics. In fact, I think the only thing I mentioned which tells you anything worth knowing about my worldview is that I am an atheist.
 Why write about feminism at all? Firstly, because there is a growing divide between feminists and social justice advocates on one side and anti-feminists and anti-SJWs on the other.  There is very little civilized dialogue between the two sides, and in all honesty, I believe such dialogue would be enriching for both sides.
Secondly, despite its vast influence over politics and media, some strains of feminism seem to have developed an âus vs. the worldâ mentality. I think those people would benefit from an outside perspective. The aim of this blog isnât to explain your own ideology to you; it is only a subjective viewpoint and an outside perspective.
 I am neither a feminist nor an anti, despite the fact that I am sure I will be accused of being both, if nothing else because of the forums I plan to post this on (minds.com and tumbler).
 I am an advocate for equality as far as it is reasonable.
Some of you might have read this far only to stop after reading about reasonable inequality. For those who didnât, hear me out: There are currently disparities in rights that are unfair but without an alternative.
The most striking of these rights is the right to bodily autonomy and reproductive rights. (I am well aware that in some states in America, the religious right fights against the right to choose, and I am squarely on board with the feminists on this one. Women need to remain the sole decision makers regarding their own bodies)
To clarify my views on abortion, I regard it as a necessary evil. There are cases in which it entirely is a medical necessity (i.e., Pregnancy within the fallopian tubes, which cannot be brought to term and if unchecked will cause massive internal bleeding and the death of the mother), but for a variety of reasons - I can go more into detail if you want me to - I also am in favor of all other cases except late-term abortion. There needs to be some time for a prospective mother to decide what she wants to do, and she shouldnât have to make rash decisions. But there should be a time limit after which the rights of the fetus are protected. Such a limit is necessarily arbitrary, but as I said before, a necessity to give the mother time to think. Would I be in favor of fewer abortions? Absolutely. But the way we can arrive there is only by providing easy access to contraceptives, not through clumsy attempts at social engineering through abstinence-only education. It would also help if there were more resources for nascent mothers, like easy access to childcare, legally protected maternity leave (which of course makes women less attractive on the job market) and easy access to adoption services.
 My personal views aside, the status quo in wide parts of the western world is that women have the unilateral power to make decisions on whether or not they will become parents, even after the fact. Men cannot legally interfere with this decision.
If the woman decides thusly, the men become fathers, with all the legally binding obligations that entail. (An exception is a policy in Sweden of which I am not sure whether it has been implemented which would allow men to opt out of paternity, but only by relinquishing all legal rights. That is not equal to the female power to chose; in my opinion a useless policy)
If the woman doesnât want to be a parent, the man also never gets the chance to.
 This situation is intrinsically unfair. But the alternative, making women into incubators against their will is so dystopian that I will not even consider advocating for it. (on a side note, if artificial wombs were already available, I would likely be in favor of protecting the fetus and bringing it to term in such a device if one of the parents - in this case, the father - wishes it, at least if the conception was consensual in the first place. But because such devices donât yet exist and will likely have to navigate a maze of âethicalâ obstacles, this point though interesting is mute)
There you have it: A right, in favor of women no less, which is intrinsically unfair and unequal but needs to stay this way.
 But enough distractions. Time to get to the meat of it. Feminism.
To some a necessary struggle against oppressive structures, to others a totalitarian system based on religious dogma aiming to police, form, and control every aspect of culture, politics and interpersonal relationships.
Firstly, I agree that there are inequalities in men and women, even within the western world.
I also believe that there are differences between men and women based in biology. Are these differences reinforced by cultural norms and traditional gender roles? I think they are.
As you can see, I neither fully subscribe to an entirely biologic-deterministic nor to a socially constructed worldview. Both lack - to me as a layman regarding gender studies - merit (I also will avoid using overly technical or predefined language in this blog due to the emotional baggage and presuppositions associated with such terms. Here, where I was forced to use it nevertheless is the best place to inform you of my rationale for this decision).
What are these differences? Most of them, like muscle strength, are irrelevant regarding the modern work environment. The obvious exception here are positions that demand high fitness and muscle strength, like construction, firefighting or some military jobs. I am of the opinion that such positions should absolutely be open to women who pass the requirements, though I will admit that men aiming for these posts hold an unfair biological and physiological advantage. Two mutually dependent differences arenât irrelevant: Risk aversion and resource management (meant are personal resources like stress)
Men are less risk-averse than women (as can be seen in factors such as gender differences in gambling behavior https://www.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/pmc/articles/PMC4736715/ )
This primes them for high risk, high reward positions which are highly valued by our society (politicians, CEOs)
To clarify, I donât believe that women arenât qualified for these positions. Quite the opposite, I think those who make it there in a meritocratic system are qualified. I also find them to be outliers.
Can the frequency of such outliers be increased by shifting cultural norms and by nurture? I believe it can be. But should it at all costs? I am not a father, and I may well never be. But the way I would raise my children, regardless of gender, would be to try to instill in them the same primal curiosity, the same drive to see the beauty in our universe I feel, and to reinforce in them whatever interests they have. I wouldnât project my insecurities and wishes on them.
The other thing I mentioned, resource management, is in favor of women. Women manage their own stress better, this meta-study on burnout suggests http://www.sciencedirect.com/science/article/pii/S0001879110000771 and have a higher life expectancy.
There are fields in which women are yet underrepresented which cannot be explained by the two metrics of risk aversion and resource management, for example, science and engineering. This may be partially due to biologic differences, but I do believe we will see more women drift to these professions organically over time. After all, curiosity isnât a male trait. At least I didnât see any evidence for it.
I believe in a meritocratic and free system. It may take some time until the gender balance approaches the distribution of genders as dictated by biology, but I donât see the problem in that. In most circles, no one doubts that women can be as capable as men in a given position, and that, rather than gender parity, is to me the sign of achieved equality.
 Which brings me to my main gripe with feminism. Regardless of their exact strain of feminism, a lot of feminists believe in particular policy implementations that go against meritocracy, such as diversity quotas.
 The belief that those measures are necessary is founded partially in what presents itself to me as a persecution complex: That the world is still in the fangs of patriarchy. There is an interesting philosophical debate to be had on the topic who or rather what is in control of our world and society, but that goes beyond the scope of this blog. I may write an article on it on minds.
 I am not saying sexism is dead, or that unconscious bias doesnât exist. What I am saying is that bias isnât the sole explanation for societal ills and injustices. Consider this if you will: A biased opinion against people with the descriptor d. A person with d may be discriminated against by d-cist people and learn that this bias exists. They will now be conditioned to look out for this prejudice, and it will color their perception of reality. If they encounter repeated injustice, perceived or real, they are more likely to attribute it to d and d-cist opinions.
This in itself can pose a problem, if they set out to cure d-cist attitudes. An overreach can antagonize and prejudice people who didnât hold d-cist positions to start with. Overestimating the scope of a problem or applying the wrong solution can be as destructive as doing nothing at all. It can not only promote d-cist attitudes in reaction to the overreach but can lead to its own set of social problems and injustices. For example, if you insist on thinking in these categories, a person with d might be promoted due to a diversity quota over a socio-economically disadvantaged person without d, who might even have better qualifications and a more significant need for the position.
The belief that d-cist attitudes are rampant in society at large can also lead Dâs to self-segregate and take on a hostile attitude towards people outside their community or society at large. This can lead to other problems, like shifting attitudes towards Dâs, actual d-cism and mutual hostility.
D can, in this context stand for any arbitrary attribute, from gender, sex, sexuality, race to wearing glasses. (if you think that the last example is ludicrous or ridiculous, remember that Pol Potâs Khmer Rouge murdered people wearing eyeglasses on the suspicion that they were intellectuals. Say what you want about the treatment of women in history and today, but I cannot think of an ideology or system, extant or extinct that promoted female genocide.)
 Herein, as alluded to before, lies my biggest problem with feminism (And the biggest problem of many others): Both its dogmatic, overly simplistic assertions about the nature of our world, and the political solution widely championed by feminists.
 It needs to be said that I respect everybody's right to an opinion. We all would like the world to be different in subtle ways. Some of these problems and complaints seem petty to outsiders (manspreading), but if you feel like there is a problem, you absolutely have a right to speak out. Issues come into play when you try to control culture or media because then you infringe upon others right of expression. I am well aware most feminists, particularly but not exclusively the aforementioned amateur feminists only want perceived equality in specific circumstances that are near and dear to them, such as political representation, positive role models, unbiased education. Again, nothing wrong about that. But most of the proposals I have seen to bring such changes in short time are flawed. And the used rhetoric can be downright abusive. What possible use have âteach boys not to rapeâ seminars and workshops? Literally everybody knows rape is an unforgivable crime and one of the most damaging, traumatic events to the victims. There is nothing to learn here. The only ones who could learn from such a seminar are those who would never rape in the first place. What right do you have to indoctrinate children to look at each other and themselves as sexual deviants, these barely restrained predatory monsters? But I digress. Do you know that some definitions of rape only encompass penetration, but not forcefull envelopment? That is right, according to some definitions - which have been used for studies and statistics - , if a woman forces herself onto a man that isnât rape. Not to mention that the current culture makes it very hard for male victims to speak out, especially against female perpetrators. Feminists may interject here that they are addressing these cultural norms, but the truth is that male advocacy or menâs rights is a derogatory term often named in a breath with pick up artists or similar lowlifes. Disparate incarceration and suicide rates, as well as a gendered and biased justice system, are a joke to some feminists. Worse yet, if the issue is brought up some see it as a twisted form of justice, recompense for millennia of oppression.
 There is no doubt that women were denied their fair shake by society. Heck, they still are outside the western world. But there can also be no doubt that things are different now. Claiming otherwise is delusional. We may not yet be a society reflecting the real interests and qualifications of the individuals therein, but the main ingredient missing, in my opinion, is time. Time for genuine bigots to be retired from their place of power. Time for girls to speak out about their âboyishâ hobbies and interests and potentially make them into a career. But it is also necessary to acknowledge the progress we already made and to think more critically about complaints concerning sexism or other forms of bigotry in the western world.
 I really donât know exactly how to structure the following because every subpoint would be deserving of its own blog post, and they may get them, in time. In The meantime, here is a more or less unstructured rant about some common feminist complaints about western society. It is by no means a full list, and I would caution you against using what I have written to extrapolate my stance on other issues. Making assumptions without sufficient information is a profoundly human trait; albeit one we need to work hard to overcome. Feel free to disagree and tell me why it is you disagree. I am more than willing to change my position if you present me with a good argument.
 What about sexualized media? First off, I know that this is an unfair argument because a good part of feminists see female sexuality as liberating and liberated. Personally, I have no problem with any form of sexuality or sexual imagery for the purpose of advertising or marketing. To put it in plain English: Sex sells. Using sexuality in marketing isnât oppressive or objectifying, it is a good business practice. I agree that it can become ridiculous at times, especially if there is absolutely no connection to the good or service being advertised. It is a cheap tactic to draw eyes, but an effective one.
What about the male gaze in movies? I would argue that the same is true here. And I would also say that not only men sexualize women. Humans, in general, are very good at sexualizing each other, regardless of their sexuality. Envy and critique replace lust as the motivating factor, but women also look at legs and breasts and men at abs.
What about the elephant in the room: the pay gap? It would be more honest to speak about a earnings gap. It is true, men and woman earn disparate incomes, but they also work in different professions. If you compare apples to oranges, of course, there will be a disparity. If you compare people within comparable positions, the earnings gap shrinks. If you control for hours worked, qualifications and other factors it shrinks again. It doesnât disappear altogether, but that is where the risky behavior and assertiveness comes into play. Women can and should be more self-aware and aware what they are worth, and ask for financial recompense. That is what men do.
(It should be mentioned that there is a gap in payment amongst male and female CEOs, which of course cannot be ascribed to divergent qualifications. But the pay amongst CEOs, in general, is highly variable and depends on the worth of the company. Once a woman is in charge of Amazon, Microsoft or a comparable Company we will see this gap shrink)
On a side note, there are legal protections against pay discrimination in many countries in the western world, including the US. Of course, legal protection doesnât mean that it cannot happen. Despite my above explanations, I do not doubt that there still is gender-based discrimination in isolated cases. If you think you are being discriminated against, be very careful. You might well have a case, but if you try to litigate and the court doesnât find in your favor, you might well be out of a job. That being said, you have a right to take up your legal arms and fight in court. As somebody opposed to discrimination, I wish you the best. Nobody should suffer any form of discrimination, least of all due to a trait of their person they have absolutely no control over.
The lionâs share of the earnings gap is due to individual choice. Men work more dangerous and dirtier jobs than women and are compensated for that. You want parity amongst CEOs? What about equality amongst miners or sewer workers? Some careers are simply higher paid than others. A lot of male-dominated fields fall into that category. If a woman wants to enter these fields and she has all the necessary qualifications, she is free to do so, and I would encourage her. As I would encourage everybody to pursue the career they want.
Should some of the traditional female professions be better compensated? Well, talking about dangerous jobs, I think that teachers should be paid much more but also be held to a higher standard.
What about cyberbullying? Well according to the data, http://soc101group2.providence.wikispaces.net/Gender+Distinctions+in+Cyber+Bullying women are more likely to be the perpetrators. That, of course, may change over time and depends on whether or not you count gossip as âbullying.â Also all studies I could find depended on self-reporting, so take them with a grain of salt since that is amongst the least reliable study designs. It should also be said that one amongst the most recent studies I could find (from 2016, conducted amongst US highschoolers), on statista.com showed contrary trends. It might just be that the interviewed girls didnât count gossiping as cyberbullying; and I am not certain gossip should count. I welcome your thoughts on the matter.
What about âbossy?â When a man is a boss, he isnât considered âbossy.â Neither is a female boss. The male equivalent to âbossyâ isnât âbossâ it is âdickâ speaking of whichâŠ
What about sexualized slurs you might ask? What about them? How often have you called somebody a dick or a prick and not even thought of it as a sexual slur? This does of course not mean that sexual slurs should be societally acceptable. My point is that those against women already arenât, while those against men clearly are. Here we come to another aspect of my philosophy, this time concerning free speech: everybody should be allowed a chance to speak freely and out themselves as an ass, the right to free speech doesnât mean freedom from social condemnation.
 I cannot possibly go into detail on all I touched on without writing a veritable book. This is as good as any a place to take a break. I will be back next week with some thoughts on the Weinstein scandal and rape culture. In the meantime, as alluded to before, I am here to talk. Comment with your thoughts, questions, and of course, criticism. I will do my best to explain myself and my positions. Tell me where you disagree and agree with me and if need be, enlighten me if I made some factual errors or overly simplifying generalizations.
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