#take bites and it's fine but you feel silly and inelegant | Explore Tumblr posts and blogs

blondiest · 1 year ago

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going to make my own version of those "that girl" videos that used to go around on tiktok (which were basically aesthetically-styled disordered eating so far as i could tell tbh) but mine will be me eating stuff like hard-boiled eggs slathered with mustard & enjoying it with a degree of enthusiasm that viewers find off-putting. my "that girl" trait will not be yoga or drinking five gallons of water a day or even having nice hair or clear skin, it will simply be my joie de vivre or however it's spelled

#i used to eat hard boiled eggs w mustard on them all the time in college bc they had them in the vending machines #and they also had packets of mustard #and i forgot my lunch like every day lol #so that became my lunch #it's a humbling experience to eat a wholeass hard boiled egg in public with like. no knife to cut it in half btw. like you just have to #take bites and it's fine but you feel silly and inelegant #it does not help if you are very gender nonconforming at the time but like. aren't trying to be. jfhfhfjgh #<- was really bad at fitting in during college bc i had super short hair and wore men's jeans and sweaters from goodwill #all of which are actually swag things to do btw but like it doesn't feel swag at all if you like. are actually trying to fit in #and are just very bad at it #and genuinely cannot connect the dots on Why Girls Don't Want To Be Your Friend (it CAN'T just be that you're getting read as queer. right?)#(because that would be so messed up if it was because of that.)#[narrator voice: it was because of that]#anyways this is off the rails bc it was supposed to be about eggs and my love of them but #a lot of people say that college is better than high school. and for me it WAS by a lot but it still was really hard in a lot of ways #i felt deeply isolated. i went to an ag school in the middle of a midwest state and studied STEM #in high school i associated with basically only queer art kids (not a huge high school and a lot of us weren't out yet but. y'know.)#and then in college i felt very out of place #and towards the end of college i decided to try and take a stab at looking more traditionally feminine. grew out my hair #got rid of my bangs #it was fine #i definitely noticed that people treated me much nicer once i had long hair and women's clothes that actually fit me #and i was like okay yeah so i guess i just should try to pass as straight then. that seems like it'll be easier #during the pandemic i gave myself bangs again. just a lil bi girl swag yk. and then last august i got my hair cut into a real short bob #and i immediately felt so much more like myself. idk how to explain it. but i was just like not meant to be feminine in that exact way #i'm honestly still pretty feminine presenting overall but #i love the fact that if i wear my hair messy now it looks kinda boyish. and if i style it nicely it looks girly.#i feel like i have options yk. and i still don't think i get read as queer now tbh? though i'm bad at knowing these things #but i don't feel like i'm HIDING anymore #WOW THAT WAS LONG SORRY LMAO

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