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shaaaaaaar Ā· 2 years ago
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hi it is 1 am and i am here to complain
iā€™m really fucking tired of people treating me like iā€™m soft or fragile or innocent/naive, that kinda stuff. itā€™s been a thing for most of my life no matter how much i try to prove its not really true, and its so frustrating. because iā€™m easily startled and i have anxiety, iā€™m some fragile boy meant to be protected and whose too soft for stuff.
most people donā€™t actually mean any harm with it. the concern is good willed and comes from a place of kindness, but ends up feeling condescending. iā€™ll be shielded from anything mildly scary and i wonā€™t be told specifically why but itā€™s pretty easy to deduce that itā€™s because the tone is horror or itā€™s mildly violent or whatever. the sensitivity is appreciated, but it often is either over exaggerating things iā€™ve said i donā€™t like (for example i donā€™t particularly like gore but thatā€™ll be overblown to like. someone avoiding telling me about shit like yandere sim. because people die. exclusively me.) or shit iā€™m fine with but thereā€™s a darker tone so ā€œhe wouldnā€™t like itā€. a lot of the time it doesnā€™t feel like thereā€™s consideration for me specifically and instead an assumption of me not liking darker-toned stuff.
a lot of the time people treating me softly comes off as patronizing. something that really sticks out to me is i was asked recently to hold onto something while a person left for a moment and got told that the thing i was told to hold was there to protect ME. the legal adult. an inanimate object. another one is iā€™ll be told for HYPOTHETICALS iā€™m not allowed to have sharp objects because ā€œi donā€™t trust you to not accidentally cut yourselfā€. iā€™ll be told i can have blunt objects, but nothing sharp. iā€™m always characterized by being weak-willed or the anxious one andā€¦ it gets very tiring. especially when none of this treatment is given to anyone else, only me. it gets noticeable.
another part of it is i tend to be less harsh on people. i try not to be too judgemental and harsh on people, maybe to a fault (iā€™ve got more shit to work on than that). so when i run into assholes, iā€™m treated like the innocent ā€œtoo sweet for this worldā€ guy because imā€¦ not a dickwad to people? i had a friend group once who all became friends bc they made a groupchat to complain about basically an entire community of people. i had nothing to add with complaints (even if i did wanna rant to the extent they did, i barely knew the people they talked about), i was just willing to listen and found it morbidly interesting. hindsight 20/20 i shouldā€™ve figured these guys were assholes (and christ they were assholes) but that isnā€™t the important part. in that friend group i was ALWAYS treated like the little innocent bean and if i knew something mildly fucked up it was a shocker. which got exhausting.
at the end of the day its because i have anxiety problems. thatā€™s the smoking gun. anxiety has always been a part of my life and mine is considerably worse than a lot of peopleā€™s nervousness. with my friends iā€™m the guy who has ā€œmore anxiety problemsā€ and i donā€™t like being boiled down to that sure but i agree that i have a lot. but frankly, being treated like iā€™m weak actually makes me feel more anxious. because it leaves me feeling pathetic and humiliated. being treated like i need to be protected only serves to make me feel either defenseless or disrespected. iā€™m well aware that iā€™m not a weak person. iā€™ve been aware of this for a long time.
yes, i am a more sensitive person. sometimes iā€™m pretty fragile. i get nervous very easily and treating me more gently isnā€™t exactly bad because the gentility is mindfulness of my sensitivity. thereā€™s a line, though. because at some point it stops being sensitive and becomes being patronizing. it stops being mindful of my anxiety and becomes making me all about my anxiety. cradling someone with anxiety, or at least cradling me, isnā€™t the solution to anything. it makes things worse and only serves to solidify the notion that iā€™m weak. to be blunt, being sensitive, being anxious, hell, being fragile, doesnā€™t mean being weak. it doesnā€™t mean i need to be protected and my world needs to be baby-proofed. i mean hell, i spend a lot of my time trying to push myself outside of my comfort zone because whatā€™s the point of baby-proofing? nothing will change.
ironically i have no clue how to go about actually telling people this (despite the fact iā€™ve had the intention to find some opportunity for months now) and somehow iā€™ve ended up on tumblr at 1 am rambling about it. which isnā€™t solving anything. i really do need to go about that because itā€™s important
ok itā€™s 2 am now so iā€™m leaving bye
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