#tagging hometown because I'm petty

[arctic-hands]

Damn. To be in middle school again but with the wisdom, speech skills, and power to advocate for myself that I have now, so that when I'm told I'm just not applying myself in math when I beg for a dyscalculia screening, I can say "bitch I'm excelling at every other class I'm in except gym–which my disabled ass shouldn't even be in in the first place. You've all on multiple occasions said that my writing has brought you to tears, and i can explain a variety of scientific concepts; in particular, anything relating to health and medicine. And do not get me started on my history and social study expertise. Oh, and did i mention I've been reading at a collegiate level since fifth fucking grade? What makes you POSSIBLY think that I randomly chose math to slack off in? Assholes."

[romaniangothic]

oc profile

thank u @vronism for the tag ^^ gonna tag @takeoutnight @ranishoo @spud1234556 @saevus-brutalis @gothgaycowboy

if u did ur v i might as well do mine cus if i don't write down my thoughts ill just forget em 💀

tws for mentions of suicide/overdosing/selfharm/child abuse

General

Name: Axel V. Graves (yes, the V stands for something. no, he won't tell)

Alias(es): grim reaper (unwillingly), ax or axe, smartass/idiot/asshole etc etc (by both johnny and kerry lmao)

Gender: nonbinary trans man (he/they)

Age: 47 as of 2077

Birthdate: 10th june 2030

Place of birth: Night City

Hometown: Night City. he can't stay away from this place

Spoken languages: native in english but also knows enough japanese to hold somewhat of a conversation. some russian he picked from his dad, too

Sexual preference: gay (possibly demisexual? he only realizes it now 💀)

Occupation: petty thief (2046-2053), backstage tech dude? idk (2053-2055) merc but mostly a hitman (2056-2075), guitarist for some indie band (Atlanta, 2075-2077) merc again (2077-2078), idk, maybe he'll go back to doing music stuff. maybe with kerry this time 👨‍❤️‍💋‍👨 (2078-??????)

Appearance

Eye colour: used to have brown eyes but he has mods in them now. he now has all black scleras with yellow irises and slit pupils (basically just freaky cat eyes)

Hair colour: naturally black. he's greying in 2077 but he dyes it so you wouldn't really know

Height: 6'4 / 193 cm

Scars: bunch of sh scars that were mostly covered by either chrome or tattoos. some he either got in brawls or when he was a dumbass teen

Favourite

Colour: mostly darker colors (reds and stuff maybe?)

Hair colour: just his natural one, he never really had others. (definitely doesn't like his white hair but he does think it looks hot on a certain someone)

Song: black holes (solid ground) by the blue stones (not really a favorite song, just the song i associate with him the most. he has a whole playlist actually)

Food: he's not really picky but he does have a thing for sweets (is that technically food? no)

Drink: just inject coffee straight into his veins, that'd be fine

Have They…

Passed university: never even finished middle school

Gotten pregnant: no, and he'd rather keep it that away so he definitely had surgery/mods for it as soon as he could (or whatever they do in the future)

Kissed a boy: too many

Kissed a girl: once or twice when he was a teen

Gotten tattoos: a whole bunch of em (i'm designing them rn and weeping)

Been in love: yep (derogatory)

Stayed up for more than 24 hours: he doesn't believe in sleep

Are They…

A virgin: nope and that's all i'm saying on nsfw stuff 💀. man's a bigger whore than johnny, im sure of it

A cuddler: only sometimes. he's pretty touch averse

A kisser: yeah but mostly on knuckles/cheeks/neck places like that. likes giving more than receiving tbh

Scared easily: can't afford to be in his line of business. there Are certain things that'll get to him tho 👁

Jealous easily: if there's enough communication, no

In love: yes, much to his dismay

Single: yes and no. he complicates things with both kerry and johnny for absolutely no reason 🤧

Random Questions (TW: Self harm/suicide mention)

Have they harmed themselves: yes and he still does. he'd rather not talk about it

Thought of suicide: all his life (he gets better i promise)

Attempted suicide: definitely more than once. first one was probably at 12 or something like that. latest one was around 2077-2078

Wanted to kill someone: yes and has. will do it again most likely

Have/had a job: way too many to count tbh

Have any fears: people he cares about getting hurt because of him. sharp knife-like objects as well

Family

Sibling(s): he was an only child

Parent(s): i never thought about naming them even though they're big parts of the reason axel is the way he is today 💀 his mom that died of a drug overdose when he was pretty young and his piece of shit dad that he killed at 13

Children: absolutely not. he's too scared of becoming like his dad

Significant other: kerry (affectionate) and johnny (derogatory)

Pet(s): Nibbles the cat my beloved (he wanted to call the cat johnny but human johnny didn't appreciate it too much)

[arctic-hands]

Oh my high school would have absolutely believed this. My sophomore year, a very strict dress code went out two weeks before school started, when most kids had already bought their new clothes, with rules saying things like no stripes, plaid, patterns, mixed colors of any kind. All clothes must be solid color with no decoration of any kind. I was "lucky" to have been in summer school that year so I got advanced notice before I did my clothes shopping, and the experience was entirely frustrating (more than usual, seeing as I was a "tomboy"– i.e. trans–and clothes shopping with my grandmother who desperately wanted me to dress in feminine clothing like I did when I was eight), because my grandmother kept holding up clothes that were seemingly innocuous, like a blue shirt with slightly darker blue sleeves, and I had to keep telling her it would get me in trouble, and she didn't believe me and just thought I was being difficult.

Anyway, come to the start of the year where there was a one day "grace period" where it would be pointed out to students why their clothes were in violation but they wouldn't get in trouble the first day, as long as they wear appropriate clothes after. I must emphasize that most of the kids–in a public school with a sixty percent poverty rate–had already bought their clothes and couldn't afford to get new ones, especially within a day.

Come second day, where my high school suspended over two hundred students for dress code violations, some as small as having a tiny embroidered logo on your otherwise plain polo shirt, or having a jeans back pocket that had diagonal stitching going across it. I saw one kid walking out of school with a suspension slip wearing the exact same blue shirt with slightly darker sleeves that my grandmother tried to buy for me. Kids lost their scholarships after being suspended. The news got involved. Parents and suspended students picketed the school for the duration of the suspensions (I wanna say a week, maybe two). It was so bad the state launched an investigation and I think the school was fined (this was fifteen years ago so I don't remember all the details of what was going on with the admin side of things). It was awful and ridiculous.

And the school's rational for all of this? They truly believed, with all of their abundance of critical thinking skills, that drug deals were being conducted based on the pattern of shirts kids were wearing. That plaid meant they were looking for/selling cocaine, that a floral print meant marijuana, that this pattern meant that drug, and so on. They were completely convinced that all of us students were either looking for drugs or selling them, and they were willing to disrupt everyone's education, ruin scholarships (in many, many cases, the only way students in a very poor public school could have gone to college), be fined by the state, and have the administration blasted by not only the Indiana news media but by nearby Ohio too, than stop for a moment to consider that it's very unlikely that ninety-nine percent of the student body were dealing in drugs.

The kicker? The students that were actually known or suspected to be drug dealers started (jokingly, fueled by the irritation we were real feeling) spreading the rumors that the admins were the ones doing drugs themselves, because it was completely outlandish to think a floral print shirt meant any kind of drug use.

The school never apologized for this, even after the state investigation. The rules stayed in place for as long as I was in high school, which meant every year there were always freshmen being suspended because they didn't understand the very strict rules.

the brightly coloured skinny jeans that Teens wore in the late '00s and early '10s were meant to denote where you stood in gang hierarchy. salmon was the highest rank and meant you had killed someone.

I think the funniest part of this is that, if you'd floated this idea at the time, at least some parents would have believed you.

[kaoru-takaida]

LONG Character Survey: Tius Mason

BASICS.

FULL NAME: Tius Mason

NICKNAME: N/A

AGE: 25

BIRTHDAY: 20th Sun of the First Astral Moon (January 20th)

ETHNIC GROUP: Miqo'te (Seeker of the Sun)

NATIONALITY: Eorzean

LANGUAGE(S): Eorzean

SEXUAL ORIENTATION: Bisexual

ROMANTIC ORIENTATION: ?

RELATIONSHIP STATUS: Taken

CLASS: All Rounder

• Specializes in defensive and illusion arts

• Also skilled Paladin, and studying healing arts

HOMETOWN / AREA: NA

CURRENT HOMETOWN/ AREA: Mor Dhona

PROFESSION: Scion

PHYSICAL.

HAIR: White, silver/black

EYES: Blue

NOSE: Sharp

FACE: Pointed

LIPS: Full and plump

COMPLEXION: Natural

BLEMISHES: None

SCARS: Various battle scars and burns

TATTOOS: Regular Miqo markings (blue and bkack)

HEIGHT: 5'9"

WEIGHT: 140 lbs

BUILD: Toned, fit, athletic

FEATURES: Beauty mark left corner of his mouth, and cat feet *new* scar on right cheek,

ALLERGIES: N/A

USUAL HAIRSTYLE: Usually tussled and with a stray bit of hair sticking out and fluffed upward in the back or pulled back in a messy ponytail/bun

USUAL FACE LOOK: No makeup, clean, tired at times

USUAL CLOTHING: Usually short to no sleeves, a few necklaces and something "to show off my nice abs and arms. Because they deserve it. ;3"

PSYCHOLOGY.

FEAR(S): Closed spaces, bugs that crawl, heights, losing loved ones, being weak, captivity

ASPIRATION(S): To support Kaoru and his sister and someday have a family

POSITIVE TRAITS: Energetic, strong willed, straight forward, funny, caring, no nonsense, calculating, stealthy, confident

NEGATIVE TRAITS: Gets jealous easily, blunt, stubborn, acts on emotions, no hesitation to start arguments, cocky at times

ZODIAC: Capricorn

TEMPERAMENT: Hyper comic relief

SOUL TYPE(S): Rogue, Jack of all trades

ANIMALS: White Lion

VICE HABIT(S): Squats, lounging, fishing, sparring

FAITH: The Twelve

GHOSTS?: I guess

AFTERLIFE?: maybe

REINCARNATION?: Probably

ALIENS?: Dude, there are other worlds that we know of. So duh.

POLITICAL ALIGNMENT: What the what?

ECONOMIC PREFERENCE: Um...

SOCIO POLITICAL POSITION: I think you should leave the political questions for Alphinaud...

EDUCATION LEVEL: Basic education, extensive training in illusionary and defensive arts, some training with Arenvald as a Paladin, *new* minimal training in healing arts

FAMILY.

FATHER: Ebinger Mason= adoptive (deceased)

MOTHER: Nanci Heartilind= adoptive (deceased)

SIBLINGS: A'mandi Heartilind (alive)

EXTENDED FAMILY: Scions of the Seventh Dawn

NAME MEANING(S): NA

HISTORICAL CONNECTION?:  N/A

FAVORITES.

BOOK:

MOVIE PLAY:

5 SONGS:

• "Deeper" by Valerie Broussard, Lindsey Sterling

• "Darkside" by Alan Walker

• "Silver Lining" by Hurts

• "Alligator Sky" Owl City

• "Lights" by BTS

DEITY: Azeyma, Nymeia

HOLIDAY: Little Lady's Day

MONTH: January/ First Astral Moon

SEASON: Spring

PLACE: Costa Del Sol

WEATHER: Bright and sunny, warm with cool breeze, clear

SOUND: Waves crashing in the beach, gentle wind, chocobo carriage

SCENT(S): Spice, ocean smells

TASTE(S): Sea salt ice cream, dango, cafe de Leche

FEEL(S): Cotton, soft leather sofa, warm cuddles, cat paw pads

ANIMAL(S): chocobo

NUMBER: 3

COLORS: Light blue, grey, white, black

EXTRA.

TALENTS: Athletic, fast learner, has many tricks up his sleeve, can detect lies without fail, master of illusionary defense

BAD AT: Controlling his feelings, cleaning, minding his own business

TURN ONS: Smart, can enjoy little things and let loose, laughs at his jokes, nice, compassionate, selfless

TURN OFFS: Selfishness, ignorance, pettiness, laziness

HOBBIES: Training, fishing, exploring, playing

TROPES: Sexy comic relief

AESTHETIC TAGS: Pastel blues with white or black, outdoor fitness, ocean skies

FC INFO.

MAIN  FC(S): Nada

ALT FC(S): Nope

OLDER FC(S): Nunka

YOUNGER  FC(S): <sigh>

VOICE CLAIM(S): Bryce Papenbrook voices him?

GENDERBENT FC(S): Pffft.

MUN QUESTIONS.

Q1: IF YOU COULD WRITE YOUR CHARACTER YOUR WAY IN THEIR OWN MOVIE, WHAT WOULD IT BE CALLED, WHAT STYLE WOULD IT BE FILMED IN, AND WHAT WOULD IT BE ABOUT?:

• I guess Tius would fit perfectly in an action comedy. With a but of mystery.

Q2: WHAT WOULD THEIR SOUNDTRACK / SCORE SOUND LIKE?:

• Tius would definitely be into epic trailer music covers.

Q3: WHY DID YOU START WRITING THIS CHARACTER?:

• I wanted to create a character like Chat Noir from Miraculous Ladybug but for my own.

Q4: WHAT FIRST ATTRACTED YOU TO THIS CHARACTER?:

• At first I had planned on making a fanfic featuring him and another person as the main characters, but he eventually was put on the back burner til I needed a romantic interest for Kaoru in the main narrative. He's essentially a catboi who is the culmination of what I find attractive in FFXIV paired with the voice and attitude of Chat Noir from Miraculous Ladybug.

Q5: DESCRIBE THE BIGGEST THING YOU DISLIKE ABOUT YOUR MUSE:

• That I don't really have much of a feel for him 100% yet. He's still in the creation process and has been developing as I go, much like my main Kaoru has.

Q6: WHAT DO YOU HAVE IN COMMON WITH YOUR MUSE?:

• I guess the sarcasm. And the humor. The jokes he uses generally are all my own comedic tastes. So I guess I'm secretly a funny person.

Q7: HOW DOES YOUR MUSE FEEL ABOUT YOU?:

• I think Tius and I would be great friends.

Q8: WHAT CHARACTERS DOES YOUR MUSE HAVE INTERESTING INTERACTIONS WITH?

- Kaoru Takaida: His loving girlfriend

- Hope Gallant: His girlfriend's best friend (@louderthanthedj)

- Alphinaud Leveilleur: Always had a rivalry with for Kaoru's attention which they eventually worked out

- G'raha Tia as The Crystal Exarch: Immediately suspected his feelings for Kaoru and saw past the lies he spun, still a sore topic

- Thancred Waters: Thancred was always a mentor to Tius and teaches him everything he wants to learn

Q9: WHAT GIVES YOU INSPIRATION TO WRITE YOUR MUSE?

• I basically wanted Kaoru to have a romantic interest in her adventures with @louderthanthedj and he became such a great character

Q10: HOW LONG DID THIS TAKE YOU TO COMPLETE?:

A couple of days since I work a crap ton and my internet is poopy.

[arctic-hands]

Picture it: sophomore American history. The year is two thousand and eight. The teacher is known for passing out jolly ranchers, one per student per day, when a kid does a good job. One day, she wants us to list every state in the country. Kids start listing them off in unison, mostly alphabetically, but falter around the I states (this is in Indiana, mind). Except one triumphant voice lingers as every other voice trails off in doubt and consternation. This voice flawlessly recites every state in these United States* as the class and teacher stare in awe, and at the very end the resounding voice makes mention of Puerto Rico and Guam as territories. The teacher wordlessly hands over two jolly ranchers.

A new day. List the presidents. Nobody knows beyond Washington, Lincoln, FDR, JFK, Clinton, George W. Bush–the incumbent finishing up his final term in a few months. Except. One voice–just as triumphant–recites every president, in order, even making mention of Grover Cleveland's non-consecutive second term. Everyone–teacher and student alike–stares again, this time almost in horror. The voice, embarrassed and blushing at the stares this time, finishes the forty-three chronologically, and this time as the teacher hands over another two jolly ranchers she overcomes her shock to ask "How did you know that??"

At which the body that contains the voice shrugs sheepishly, pops a blue raspberry in their mouth, and makes a vague "I 'unno" sound–unwilling to admit that the Fifty Nifty song they sang with their class in a third grade recital had permanently seared itself into their brain, as did the Nickelodeon presidents song that aired during the Oh Four election between Bush and Kerry

*I realized after while at dinner that evening when I told my parents about it that I had completely skipped Pennsylvania and Rhode Island, but the listing was so smooth and confident that no one noticed. I never made that mistake again regardless

[arctic-hands]

My high school DID suspend hundreds of students the second day of school over ridiculous dress code violations. The new dress code rules only went out two weeks before school started, so everyone had already bought their clothes, and at the time sixty percent of the school was below poverty lines so we couldn't afford to buy new clothes on a whim. We weren't allowed to wear stripes or floral patterns or plaid or any kind of non-solid color shirt, for the stupidest reason: our school board was convinced that students were using different pattern shirts to coordinate drug deals. (Meanwhile, the kids who were the actual drug dealers were like "what the fuck? No we aren't".)

I saw a kid who was wearing a solid blue shirt with sightly darker blue sleeves with a suspension form. A girl was suspended for having diagonal stitching over her jeans back pockets. Kids who got nice polo shirts were suspended for having the little logo on the chest. I managed to avoid getting suspensions because I was in summer school that year and got the dress code notification early, and even then while shopping for clothes my grandmother would hold up something innoccuous and get snippy when I told her it was a dress code violation.

Even the teachers thought it was over the top and tried their best not to report anyone, but the admins were going room-to-room with their hands full of suspension papers.

Anyway it was a huge mess, the news got involved, students who were suspended lost their scholarships, there were protests by the suspended students and their parents that nearly turned into a riot, and the school (I don't remember if it was just the high school or the whole town school system) was heavily penalized and fined because of the ridiculousness and bad press.

(I don't know if it's still up on YouTube, but the most notable news station that covered it was WHIO from Dayton, Ohio. It was Richmond (Indiana) High School and I want to say it was in twenty ten.)

If I was a mom and my teenage daughter got dress coded at school.... I would pick THE messiest fight with her principal. If a grown man said that my teenage daughter's clothes were distracting? I would be so fucking pissed. That man would never breathe near my child again

[arctic-hands]

The galling thing about being forced to drop out by the school itself was that even with all the school I missed being out sick, I was a damn good test taker, and in the No Child Left Behind Years that meant I was funding the school, but for some reason that was lesser priority than the attendance record

[arctic-hands]

I can neither read the words "amino acids" nor watch "All Good Things..." without remembering being in my eighth grade science class during an open book trivia competition, and the final question was "what are the building blocks of life?" at which point I smiled, closed my science book while everyone else was frantically rifling thru theirs, calmly raised my hand, and confidently said "amino acids", which gave me enough points to win, and the whole class (all whom refused to partner with me for the game, leaving me to compete alone) to scream about how I cheated somehow by not having to search the book for it, all of which made the cheesequake blizzard my teacher bought me as my prize all the more sweeter 😋

[arctic-hands]

I think I knew Indiana–even my liberal enclave of a hometown–was a completely lost cause way back in like two thousand and six, when I did an eighth grade report trying to bring attention to the Darfur genocide, which at that point was three years into it's seventeen year ordeal (officially. It's starting back up after the civil war in Khartoum), and had already killed thousands, and left tens of thousands in refugee and IDP camps. Things I spoke about, pictures I showed, stories from refugees that I spread to them. I was thirteen.

And when I when I made mention of how some Darfuri rebels had attacked Sudanese government installations at the start of the conflict, one boy interrupted me and said "So they attacked the government. They deserve it then." Which led to almost the entire class nodding and chiming in with the same as I stood by the PowerPoint projector in shock.

Like was I a perfect, perfectly "woke" teenager? Fuck no. I did and said things as a teenager and even as a younger adult that make me want to turn my skin inside out in shame. But did I at thirteen years old also still have a few ounces of compassion in me, enough to know that an entire population of people shouldn't been genocided because of the actions of a few, however right or wrong those actions may have been? Yes.

I couldn't get out of that shithole state fast enough

[arctic-hands]

I'm just remembering a jackass classmate I had at my first-thru-eighth grade knockoff of a Montessori school. The one who in eighth grade demanded--red in the face--why I didn't drop out already after being out sick again for two weeks, as if my health and education were any of his business

Anyway, he was always going on about what proud Sicilians he and his family were, but then in seventh grade geography we were looking at a map of Europe and he threw a fit demanding to know why Sicily wasn't labeled, and I had to be the one to break it to him that Sicily was part of the country of Italy and had been for over a century by that point. He was close to tears.

Also he had been looking at Corsica

[arctic-hands]

Actually that anecdote in my notes needs to be mentioned here given the rampant book and history banning sweeping America.

If I hadn't independently read a book about the Holocaust at age nine, I would have believed my dumbass fourth grade teacher when she tried teaching the class that hitler died in World War One, that World War Two was solely about Pearl Harbor, and no mention of the Holocaust at all. That's what my classmates and I would have learned and internalized because we had been conditioned to believe what our teachers said unquestioningly. God only knows what we would have done with that (lack of) information. At the very least, we would have all been proven to be fools in high school, and we very well could have ended up Holocaust deniers.

But because I, on my own at nine years old, read a book about the Holocaust–something no doubt the book banners/burners believe to be "too inappropriate" for (white, gentile) nine-year-olds to read–I was able to challenge that unquestionable "lesson", and was able to back it up when my teacher tried to say I was completely wrong and just being difficult.

Was my teacher just an incompetent who had no business being in education? Had she been taught the exact same thing but lacked the capacity to question critically, and didn't belong in education? Or was she intentionally twisting a lesson to further her own agenda, and had no business being in education? She certainly had the capacity to be cruel. She zeroed in on me immediately after that, and sent me home crying many, many times. Even other kids were commenting how she had it in for me, specifically.

Conservativism in these days believes and teaches that children should not question authority. Conservatism these days believes that books about history, social sciences, the world at large are inappropriate for children to learn. Surely anyone can see how this will lead to incompetent teaching at best and active, malicious, twisting of the historical truth and truth of the community and world.

It's a cliché, but books really are a ticket to new ways of thinking, of broadening your mind, and of accepting those whose stories differ from yours. And that's why books are so dangerous to conservatives, because if I hadn't read a book about the Holocaust at age nine, I would have believed that authority without question

This isn't an attempt at a flex I swear and I recognize people can have different learning experience and still be intelligent even if they don't/can't read, but given my abysmal education growing up I have to wonder what would have happened to my brain if I wasn't such a voracious reader as a kid

[arctic-hands]

Shout out to JJ, a kid in my eighth grade class whom I shared a class with since first grade, who after I returned from another stint of being sick (about two weeks this time) got in my face and angrily demanded why I hadn't just dropped out already. Like, red in the face angry. It was bizarre.

[arctic-hands]

Shout-out to my bitchy high school nurse whose only offered solution to my complaints about my stomachaches was to hand me a peppermint, but then couldn't conceive that student with Crohn's disease would have frequent stomachaches and told me she wasn't giving me any more because I was just faking it for the candy

[arctic-hands]

Every time I remember a childhood memory I feel the irresistible urge to call out my entire hometown

So thank you, everyone who participated in the very long-running gag in middle school of standing right by my left year and screaming as loud as you can, thank you for making me partially deaf in that ear for a while in eighth grade

[arctic-hands]

I grew up attending a knock-off Montessori from first to eighth grade that billed itself as an advanced and alternative method school that would allow kids grow at their own pace (ha! says the disabled kid) but in freshman world history both I and a girl from said knock-off Montessori didn't know the answer to something and my teacher flat out asked if we were from that school and gleefully said in front of the entire class that every student he's had from my school was at least a year behind everyone else, so you can understand why I'm flustered about my education

Regular public school has a bad reputation but goddamn did Discovery fuck us all over

[arctic-hands]

One of the few good teachers I had in high school was my German teacher, Frau Burgess. She was kind and funny, and she had this old Cold War Era map of East-West Germany and the divided Europe as a whole that I was constantly fascinated with, and I learned enough from her that by junior year I was writing in my diary and even dreaming in German, which she glowed at when I told her (auf Deutsch, naturally)

Anyway, she was retiring at the end of my junior year, and she was packing things up early before the year ended. And I think she sensed I was at my limit and was about to drop out, and a few weeks before the year ended and about a week before I shut down into a year long depressive spell and just stopped attending school, she told me to see her after school. And I went to her class after school and she gave me an English to German dictionary, AND gave me those maps I adored! She told me to keep practicing after she left, and gave me a hug.

Anyway I feel bad because that depressive spell and life getting in the way for years meant that I lost almost all my German skills. I really did try to keep it up, and I played DuoLingo in German for a few good years with a definitely good streak going on. But but eventually I had to focus on more important things, and I've lost almost everything, and now it's more important I learn French, so I don't see myself relearning German anytime soon. I do still have that dictionary and maps, but in the years I've had them I've never had a place to hang them up, another thing I feel bad about.