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thisfairytalegonebad · 5 years ago

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“Hold My Heart” - for the Tachibana Makoto Birthday Gift Exchange

For the @tachibanamakotobirthdayexchange, this is my gift for you, @lonesome-writer! I included more detailed author’s notes in the AO3 post (here), so you may want to have a look there. Hope you enjoy!

Platonic soulmate AU with platonic Makoto & Haru

Makoto isn’t sure what he expected to wake up to on his eighteenth birthday. It’s not that he hasn’t thought about it, because he has. He’s thought about it a lot, and in the end, he just kind of assumed he’d never get a soulmark. The thought hurt, but he just didn’t think…

He isn’t sure what he expected, but it sure wasn’t this.

The tattoo is gorgeous. On the left side of his chest, about where his heart is, it begins. It runs up to his shoulder and disappears to his back. He doesn’t have to see it to know it covers a big part of his back, if not all of it.

And the design… even the comparatively small section he is able to see makes it impossible not to guess the identity of his soulmate. There’s no logic behind the pattern, no clear image. The tattoo just consists of the most beautiful shades of blue Makoto has ever seen, all blurring into each other and creating such a vivid picture it almost seems to be alive and moving.

It’s water, of course it’s water. What else could it possibly be?

Makoto’s breath hitches and he wraps his arms around himself. He’s suddenly shaking and can’t seem to make it stop.

Here’s the thing. He does want a soulmate. The thought of sharing a bond that deep with someone made him imagine for long hours during the nights how it would feel, and he longed, deeply, achingly, for it to happen.

Yet, he assumed he wouldn’t have a soulmark, he hoped he wouldn’t have a soulmark. Because if he does, he’ll have to tell someone who thinks he is the love of their life that they have it all wrong, that it isn’t possible. He’ll inevitably have to break someone’s heart, and now that person will be Haru.

And that’s just the worst possible outcome, isn’t it? It’s not that he wants to break a stranger’s heart. If he could have his way, he wouldn’t want to break anyone’s heart, including his own. But his soulmate being Haru just makes everything so much worse than it already is. He can’t - doesn’t want to - imagine hurting Haru like that.

Makoto blinks, once, and suddenly there are tears blurring his vision so he rapidly blinks some more to get rid of them. It works, mostly, but only because they roll down his cheeks and drip on his shirt. And then, frustratingly enough, more tears follow and he’s left furiously wiping at his eyes with one hand and pressing the other on his mouth so he doesn’t let any noise slip past.

Fear and sadness is spreading through his body. He doesn’t know what to do. He’ll have to talk to Haru, eventually, but how is he going to go about it? How do you tell your soulmate you can’t be with them?

To his left, his phone starts vibrating, buzzing loudly on his nightstand and nearly giving him a heart attack.

Haru.

Haru never uses his phone, Makoto thinks, numbly, staring at his as it keeps vibrating until it goes to voicemail. Not even ten seconds later, it starts anew.

When it stops for the second time, there’s another, shorter vibration that indicates a new message.

With shaky hands, Makoto fumbles through the lock screen and reads the message.

Haru (7:42): I’m coming over

Haru must’ve woken up and seen his own tattoo, Makoto thinks. If your soulmate is younger than you, you won’t get your soulmark on your own birthday but on the day your soulmate turns eighteen. Back in June, on Haru’s birthday, Makoto was surprised to see he didn’t have a soulmark yet. Haru wasn’t one to socialize and meet new people a lot, so Makoto expected his soulmate to be one of the friends he already had, but most of them had already celebrated their eighteenth birthday by then.

Now, he knows why.

Gripping his phone tightly in his hand, he scrambles to get off the bed, gets tangled in the sheets and nearly trips. He can’t talk to Haru now, not yet. He needs to go, needs to get away before Haru arrives.

The skin on his back tingles as he wrestles on his binder and then a sweater, still sensitive from the fresh soulmark. It sends another jolt of panic through him, because he suddenly wonders what Haru’s tattoo might look like, and then he thinks about how Haru will have to walk around with a mark that binds him to Makoto for the rest of his life even though Makoto will never be his partner.

More out of habit than anything else, he stuffs his phone into his pocket and practically runs out of the door. Only thanks to muscle memory and sheer luck, he manages to get down the stairs without slipping and breaking his neck.

He’s glad it’s a Sunday and the rest of his family is still fast asleep because it means nobody questions him when he storms out of the house as though he were being chased.

For the first time in years, he doesn’t know where to go. Haru’s place has always been safe for him when he just needed to be somewhere else, but of course, he can’t possibly go there now.

So he just wanders, at first through the town, but then he realizes he needs away from people altogether. For a Sunday morning, there’s already a considerable amount of people out and about, and even though he’d usually enjoy the hustle and bustle, it feels entirely too crowded now.

In the end, his feet carry him to a small park with only one or two dog walkers and a pair of runners to be seen in the distance. There’s a pretty little pond in the middle of the park. Makoto and Haru used to come here a lot when they were younger, to feed the ducks and sometimes play with them; they’re awfully friendly because they’re used to humans interacting with them.

Makoto wishes he had brought bread for the ducks, but he didn’t, so he just sits on the bench and watches them for a while as he tries to organize his thoughts.

Of course, he’s done his research on the whole soulmate issue. He’s read all the books he could find on the topic, ever since he’s realized he doesn’t quite fit into the norm. But the thing is, the books don’t mention people like him. There are entire chapters dedicated to how to deal with falling in love with someone who isn’t your soulmate, and how it’s okay to have partners who aren’t your soulmate if you haven’t found them yet, but there’s not a single sentence on people who don’t fall in love and don’t ever want a partner, not even if it’s their soulmate. The books talk about being attracted to people who may or may not be one’s soulmate, but not once in these pages-long explanations does it say that it’s alright not to be attracted to anyone.

A tiny, little part of him always kind of hoped that once he found his soulmate, it would all come crashing down and he’d feel attracted to them and fall in love and everything would be alright. Maybe he’s just a late bloomer, maybe it just takes the right person for him. It was a spark of hope, never quite defeated by what he already knew was true- until now.

Makoto has known Haru for years, long enough to have forgotten life before Haru. If years of friendship and intimacy didn’t let him fall in love with Haru, then the soulmark wouldn’t change that either.

And just like that, the little spark of hope is gone.

In his pocket, his phone vibrates again, twice. He takes a deep breath and pulls it out of his pocket, trying to work up the courage to read the messages.

Haru (8:01): Where are you Haru (8:01): Your parents are worried

Makoto nearly drops the phone when it suddenly starts vibrating with another call. Again, he lets it go to voicemail, even though guilt is slowly eating him up. He can’t avoid Haru forever, he knows that. Eventually, he’ll have to deal with the situation, especially if he doesn’t want his parents - and Haru - to keep worrying. And Haru deserves to know the truth; Makoto owes him that much.

Haru (8:03): Are you okay?

Is he okay? Makoto doesn’t think so. But even though the fear makes it hard to think rationally, there is still a part of his mind that whispers to him that this is Haru. Haru, who never judged him, who understands him without words. Maybe… maybe they can figure this out, together.

He fights against the flash of terror when he unlocks his phone and types out a message. Deletes it, types again. Deletes it one more time, types, and hits the send button before he can chicken out.

Makoto (8:04): I’m in the park where we used to feed the ducks

Makoto doesn’t say he’s okay, because he’s not. But… maybe he will be. Haru won’t hate him, at least, that he is sure of. Haru would never hate him. He just hopes that it won’t hurt him too much; the thought of hurting Haru is practically unbearable.

The phone doesn’t vibrate again, but there’s no doubt that Haru is already on his way. The thought makes Makoto’s heart ache on a whole new level, how much trouble he is causing Haru only to reject him when he arrives.

Haru’s never been big on running, always more at home in the water than on land. So it’s really not surprising that, as he runs up to the bench Makoto is sitting on, that he has to catch his breath for a moment before he manages to say something.

It almost makes Makoto smile, but the guilt that rises up in him again when his eyes lock with Haru’s doesn’t quite let it happen. The exact same shade of blue is also in the tattoo, he thinks, the same blue as Haru’s eyes.

There really is no doubt that Haru’s his soulmate.

“Makoto,” Haru says. He sits down next to him, close enough for their thighs and shoulders to touch. “I love you.”

Makoto closes his eyes. His chest constricts and his eyes sting, tears threatening to fall again.

“Haru…” he tries, but chokes on the word, so he starts anew. “Haru, I’m… I’m so sorry. I’m not in love with you. I… won’t ever be in love with you.”

Haru doesn’t say anything, just stares at him blankly. Where usually Makoto is able to understand him without words, he is entirely unreadable to him now. Somehow, that makes it even worse.

“You deserve so much better. I’m not- you deserve someone who loves you back. A proper soulmate, not me,” Makoto whispers, because it’s true, even though saying it is so very painful. He doesn’t want anyone else to be Haru’s soulmate, not that it’s possible to change soulmates anyway. But if it were an option, even though it might just kill him, he’d let Haru go in a heartbeat if it meant he got to be happy.

Haru blinks at him. “That’s alright. I’m not in love with you either.”

For a moment, Makoto is sure his brain just kind of short-circuits. It takes a second or two to reboot, and then when it does, all he manages is a very eloquent “Huh!?”

Haru, of course, doesn’t elaborate because apparently he’s said all he thinks needed to be said. Unfortunately, Makoto very much does not feel the same way; he needs a lot more things to be said, right now.

“But you said-” Makoto starts, gesturing wildly. “You said you loved me!”

“I do,” Haru replies, cryptic as ever.

Nothing makes sense anymore. Haru loves him, but… doesn’t?

Haru must notice the figurative smoke coming from his brain because he sighs and explains patiently, “Makoto, I’m not in love with you either. But I love you.”

Makoto lets that sink in and considers. It makes sense, actually. In fact, it’s exactly the way he feels about Haru: he’s not in love with him, and he definitely isn’t attracted to him either. But Haru is his best friend, they grew up together and there’s nobody who knows him better than Haru does. The thought of losing him is too much to bear, and he doesn’t ever want to see him hurt.

That’s the same way Makoto has always felt about Haru, so he’s never questioned it. It’s just a given. Water is wet, the sky is blue, he loves Haru. That’s what it means, doesn’t it? He does love Haru, after all.

“But how does it work? Isn’t a soulmate supposed to be the perfect partner? How can we be soulmates and not be together?” he wonders. He can’t quite wrap his head around it. It sounds too good to be true, like all his worrying was for nothing and he gets to spend the rest of his life with Haru just the way he always longed for but without everything he thought he’s supposed to feel but doesn’t.

Haru shrugs again. Clearly, he’s just about done with the conversation. “I don’t care. You’re you, I’m me. I love you, and you love me too, right?”

Makoto nods, cheeks reddening. “Yes! I love you too, Haru!”

“So it’s okay,” Haru concludes.

And it is. It’s okay, but it’s also so much more than okay. Makoto feels happy, almost giddy with relief and the realization that he does love Haru, just not the way everyone says he has to. And that’s alright, because they’re them and it works.

“I love you,” he repeats, just because he can. He can’t believe he ever thought he didn’t. All his fears, they seem so silly now, almost ridiculous.

Haru glances at him from the corner of his eye and gives him a small smile. “I love you too, Makoto.”

Makoto laughs. It feels so good to laugh, he’s so much lighter than before and he feels like nothing can hurt him. It’s nice.

There’s an itch on his left shoulder, and that’s when he remembers the tattoo.

“Haru!” he gasps, “You’ll have to show me your soulmark!”

He’s so curious what it looks like and hopes it’s just as gorgeous as his- although it’s very hard to beat his. His might be the most beautiful soulmark of all, he thinks, but maybe he’s just biased because it represents Haru and he loves Haru.

“Mm,” Haru says and begins to pull off his sweater. He gets it almost over his head before Makoto notices the mistake he’s made and grabs his arm and pulls the shirt back down.

“Not here! When we’re home!”

Bemused, Haru lets go of his shirt. “Okay. We should head back anyway. I woke your parents when I rang the doorbell and they were worried about you.”

“Oh! You’re right!” Makoto has almost forgotten about his parents. He hopes they won’t be mad, although they’re probably really just worried. “Let’s go. Will you stay?”

Haru hums. “Sure.”

It’s nearly impossible to stop smiling. But then again, it’s not like Makoto's trying very hard, anyway.

#tachibanamakotobirthdayexchange2019 #free! iwatobi swim club #thisfairytalegonebad's writing

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