#symbolizing her fully realizing that she's still part of her family and how she's the one who brought them together

[deejayponethree]

I still need to do color palettes but for now. Horse moment

[fillingthescrapbook]

Let's Talk About: A Change of Plan

Not episode-related but… is anyone else seeing the yellow oval shape on the bottom right corner of their screen when they watch anything on Dropout's website?

That out of the way--

Brennan making Evan a long-backer was not on my bingo card… but it makes sense. Regardless of how Erika, Danielle, and Aabria feel about it. Evan's energy from the very beginning was giving plank-body.

And since we're on the subject of Evan-- I am definitely vibing more with this aggressive and allowed-to-be-angry side of Evan more than the poor little meow meow we used to get before. Like, sure, I get that he wasn't sad all the time during the first season, but the energy was there. He was a sad boy. And I am learning now that I really really do not like sad boys.

Last episode, I mentioned Erika as being exceptionally great at shrinking. I did say that Lou and Danielle were doing amazing jobs as well (although not with those words exactly), but this week's MVP is Danielle Radford. Those lines of improvised dialogue that were a mile-a-minute long were simply incredible. Impeccable. And that's not to mention how she had Sam react to Evan freaking out about the discovery of how he died. "Together. Alone. Not us." Indeed.

Oh and that small reveal about Sam's family life? I want to hug Sam (to)B(decided).

And then we get to Cocaine Sam. And having her be the one to greet Boudy-boots. Amazing. Exceptional. No notes. (Also: Cocaine has to be an integral part of the Never Stop system mechanics now, right?)

Now, I'm not gonna go through everything that happened one by one. I never do. But here are the things that really stood out to me this episode, and why Misfits and Magic Season 2 is winning me over from my…lack of enthusiasm for the first season.

Number one: The breaking of wands. Erika's was sort of an accident. As explained in the Adventuring Academy, Erika saw that a tiny score was made on her wand. To allow it to break more easily. This discovery helped inform her decision to break it "accidentally" in the previous episode. The other players then realized that all their wands had been scored. And that a mechanic has been put in place for when said wands were broken. A mechanic that has now been fully explained in this episode.

I love this mechanic. I love that it--whether intentional or not--is a symbol for breaking Misfits and Magic off from "the franchise." Because the wands have become so intrinsically linked to said franchise. Although, I must admit--from a sentimental point of view--it hurts to see them break the wand. Although, at the same time, I guess that's why it's so powerful. It's their link to the magical world. It's one of the first things that showed them their potential. Much like the franchise was for many of us. And it's become very important for us to break off that connection to see that there's more magic to explore. That we are not limited to the wands. And the brooms. And the familiars.

And oof. The familiars. Aabria caught me off guard with that reveal. Like the road we were walking on were paved with figurative bones but the confirmation still took me aback. Because funny season, ha ha! We killed a player's character. We killed a major NPC. And we're killing familiars. Funny!

That's not a dig at Aabria. I love what she did. One of the most affecting episodes of television I've seen in recent memory is from How I Met Your Mother. It had a visual gag of a countdown. And the whole episode was filled with mishaps that were propelled by humor and love. And then when the countdown reaches 1--it punches you in the gut. And you were warned. But you still didn't expect it. And it feels so bad--but it's done so well. That's what Aabria did.

And that brings me to my second reason why Misfits and Magic is beginning to win me over.

Aabria is handing us character progression that is steeped in gray morality. Characters who rubbed us the wrong way are learning to be better people, while still being their snotty selves. Characters we liked have found themselves getting lost not because they're inherently evil but because of inaction, because of self-preservation coupled with their avoidance to step out of their comfort zone. There's grace in the way Aabria shows the players how their friends have fallen. And I think it's beautiful.

So, yeah, I am coming around to Misfits and Magic. Will it beat both Burrow's End or A Court of Fey and Flowers as a better Aabria season? I don't know. ACoFaF is one of my favorite Dimension 20 seasons ever and Burrow's End is also pretty high up. So probably not. But will I look back on Season 1 more kindly now? Definitely yes.

Last two things I wanted to mention:

First, the sudden volume drop when Evan stopped yelling-- I can't imagine what the poor sound guy who got the full burst of Brennan's highest vocal had gone through. Thankfully, Sam Reich takes care of the Dropout crew well.

And last, when K responds with "maybe the Tumblr users are gonna help?" to Evan's diatribe? Oh, K. Most of us are already struggling with one thing or another and are paralyzed by bigger things. If we had wonky magic to deal with on top of that? Oh ho ho, K. Oh ho ho.

[antennaed-shidou]

White Rose (Aiku)

❀ Oliver Aiku x f! reader

❀ Warning: not proofread, curse words (?)

❀ Flower Series number 3 The Violet

❀ Extras: Work count 3.3k+ Roses are red Violets are blue and this is a long waited part 3 of the Flower Series. Kinda rushed at the end sorry.

In Which {Y/n} meets Aiku on her walks

A white rose is seen as a symbol of purity, innocence, love, and peace. All of the above for {Y/n}, she has never been in any relationship, never even held someone else's hand besides her mom. Which means she always slept in a different bed than someone else. {Y/n} loved her family and only her family and she was happy with that. Not having a relationship was better for her, isn’t like she could have one anyway. 

{Y/n} was walking through the streets of her hometown most of the time she would walk with her mom but this time she was walking by herself. Walking along she took another turn they didn't take. When she was a while down the street she could see why they never went this path.

Aiku was sitting on his porch when he saw a beautiful woman passing by. He had never seen her and thought he would get to know her. He walked off his porch and walked toward her. “Hey, pretty,” Aiku walked up beside her, “Are you lost?”

The woman stopped and looked at him, “I’m fine, just taking a new path today without my mother.” The voice that came out of her mouth was like an angel ascending from heaven to kiss you. He was stunned, never had he heard a voice so angelic right in front of him at that.

“Need someone to walk with you?” Aiku asked as she started to walk off.

She was quick for a while, still walking and he was following behind. She finally spoke up and Aiku just listened to her speak, “I guess you can, just don’t let my mom see you.”

The man caught up with her now side to side. They walked for a while being quiet, just side by side. Aiku got annoyed with the no-talking and decided to start a conversation. “Why do you go for walks with your mother?”

Her angelic voice made him listen even if she just blabbered on, “For exercise, and to see the sights. Sometimes we go different paths but never too far off from home.”

“Why are you walking without her today?” He asked to keep the conversation going with her. 

She thought for a moment not knowing how to say it to someone she just met, she decided to explain fully and Aiku didn’t have a problem with her. “Well my mom has been feeling sick lately, we also went for walks as it was beneficial to her health, but the other reasons were true. Anyway, she told me to go on a walk by myself but to not go too far from the house.” {Y/n} stopped walking as she realized how far she was walking, “Oh, no!”

{Y/n} has never been far from home, she had never walked down this path before, and she realized she was walking with a man as well. Something she has never done before. She was talking with a man at the moment, something her mother would never allow, she had to stay pure and innocent. Right now she wasn’t, at least that’s what her mother would say.

She is being rebellious, one thing she was never. It felt nice. For her to disobey her mother without her knowing, it felt good. “Sorry for that, guy?” She looked at him getting a good look, his eyes were two different colors, his hair two shades and he was tall and looked strong. “I’m sorry I never got your name?”

He held his hand out for her to grab, she put her hand in his and kissed it before talking, “I’m Aiku Oliver. It’s been a pleasure to accompany you.”

She was flustered, “I’m {L/n} {Y/n}. It’s been a pleasure to walk with you thus far.” She slightly bowed his head to him. She took her hand back and the two continued walking together. “Why did you come to talk to me?” She asked, staring at another conversation.

Aiku had his intention and he didn’t want to say anything to her, she seemed so innocent and pure that he couldn’t tell her any of it. The real reason he was talking with her was because, for the plain reason, she was gorgeous and he needed someone new to talk to, all the other women were starting to get boring. 

He had to say something, so why not make up a white lie, “I thought you looked lonely and needed someone to talk to on your walk.” 

She chuckled at his response, “Lying is a sin, did you know that.” She had caught him in a lie, but she didn’t know that {Y/n} was just messing around with him to get a reaction. His reaction proved to him many things and a liar was one of them at that moment.

“Well, I’m not lying. I could never lie to a pretty angel like you,” He was sweating and tried to avert the conversation.

“Wait!” She stopped walking and looked at Aiku.

“What is it?” 

“What time is it?” 

He pulled out his phone showing her the time, 1:15 PM. 

“I need to get home,” She was pacing back and forth not knowing what way to go. She was lost as she had never gone this far down the path. 

Aiku assured her, “I’ll walk you back up, don’t worry.” He pushed her [h/c] hair out her face, tucking it behind her ear. This was new to her, but it didn’t feel weird. A man touching her didn’t feel weird, something if her mother was here she would have the man killed. 

Aiku walks {Y/n} out of his street onto the main empty road and she knows the way from here. “I hope to see you again, Aiku” She bowed her head a little, he held his hand out for her to grab and she did.

“I hope it's soon, {Y/n},” He kissed her hand just like last time. 

Aiku watched her walk away from him, he watched until he couldn’t see her anymore and she was only a spec in his vision. He turned away back to his house cheering all the way. He finally got the chance with another gorgeous woman he had never seen. How is she not already with someone he wondered, she seemed to be in her 20s and someone like her shouldn’t be single. 

{Y/n} knocked on the door before walking in. “I’m home,” She yelled through the house. A weak voice called out to her telling her to come to the bedroom.

Her mother was lying on the bed with plenty of blankets along with a nurse that was with her. The nurse left the room and shut the door behind her. {Y/n} sat by her mother's bed, the old woman took her daughter's hand in her, “How was the first walk by yourself dear?” 

She smiled and nodded her head, “Yes it was a nice walk. Though I missed you.” That last part was a lie, the only time she thought of her mother was when she remembered what time it was and when she first met Aiku. She wasn’t going to say anything about him.

“You were out longer than usual, sweety. Did you get lost?” Her mother shifted her tone of voice to worry for her daughter.

{Y/n} nodded, “Yes, but I found my way back…”

“You should go on longer walks like when you were little. I’ve been such a hindrance with this old age.”

The female was surprised by her mother's words, nonetheless, this was good news to {Y/n}. She could spend more time with Aiku and didn’t have to worry about her mother being mad when she got back. “Thank you, mother,” She had a smirk that went unnoticed by her. 

The nurse came back into the room with food for the mother to eat. {Y/n} left the room, but before she left she kissed her mother on the cheek. She went back to her room and took out her phone, there was nothing to do with it since most of it was blocked as her mom didn’t want her to see the bad side. 

{Y/n} only had a phone for the sole reason of texting her mother and maybe watching some videos if she was bored. She gave up on her phone and went to the computer in the study room. The computer was a shared computer with the whole house, everyone had their accounts but it was interlinked with each other. 

She got on her account and started to browse the internet, or well what she had access to. She was on it till it was time for her to eat. A maid grabbed her out of the study room and walked with her to the dining room. Food was already on the table, it was all the same food from yesterday. {Y/n} sat down in her chair and ate her food. 

Her mother was already asleep and won't be joining her. That’s how it’s been since she has gotten sick. Sleeping early and waking up late, not being able to go on many walks or long walks, being taken care of by a nurse. She is dying and soon {Y/n} will have to know it all. 

--------

It had been three days and {Y/n} would walk down Aiku’s road and he would accompany her. He knew very little about her and it was the same the other way around. They still talked every day nonetheless if it was something stupid they would still talk about it, though most of the time {Y/n} would be clueless about it. 

“You mean to tell me you have never seen this video?” Aiku showed her a funny cat video and she had no clue what it was about and why it was funny.

“No, I don’t have access to the World Wide Web,” She plainly said like it was no big deal. 

To Aiku it was a bigger deal, “So you have never heard of YouTube or anything? That’s just crazy. You have some crazy restriction, how do you do it?”

“My mom doesn't allow me.”

Aiku was shocked to hear her say, Mom, his mouth agape as he stopped walking, making her stop. “How old are you again?” He asked, thinking she was at least in her 20s, but now he had his doubts.

“I’m 24 years old.” Again it was no big deal to her, she had no idea there was another life to live. 

“You’re a year older than me, and you still abide by your mother's rules?” Aiku couldn’t believe anything. All the other women he had been with had been on their own and were separate from their mothers. {Y/n} was special, she was innocent and was living with her mother, something Aiku didn’t see often.

“Yes, she is the woman who gave birth to me. I live by her rules, her standards, her ways, and talk to the people she wants me to… Well, I did all that until I met you, Aiku.” She smiled at him and grabbed his hand in hers holding them in front, “You made me realize so many things in life, Aiku.”

The male was stunned and didn’t know what to say to her. Sure he liked her but he didn’t know if it would go past that. To him, it did seem that her mother was controlling, but he wouldn't question her on it. He doesn't know what's going on with her. 

“Anyway, I should get home,” She left in a hurry and Aiku tried to catch up but she wouldn’t let him. She practically ran home trying to get away from him fast. She had no idea why she said those things to him, and she regretted saying anything. 

Meanwhile, Aiku stood at the end of the alleyway where he was left. He was mad at himself for not saying anything to her. If he did then she might not have run off. He knew what she meant and by the sound of it she was being treated like shit. 

A month went by and {Y/n} hadn't been down Aiku road, but he would still wait out for her just in case she walked by. Even today she didn’t turn down this path, Akiu could see her walk by his road but never did she even look down to think of walking by. 

{Y/n} mother was slowly feeling better and would soon occasionally go on walks with her daughter again. She wasn’t too happy about it but at least she would never have the thought to go down his road again. She wished she could take those stupid words back, but she couldn’t. 

It was time for {Y/n} to go on her daily walk. It was springtime so that meant flowers would be growing again and her walks would be a pleasant sight. She was about to walk past Aiku road, but she kept telling herself no until she passed the road. She didn’t know Aiku was right there at the walkaway. 

“Get away from me!” She whispered quietly at him. “I don’t want to see you!”

“Don’t lie to me, don’t lie to yourself.” Aiku grabbed her hand and held it. “Don’t lie, {Y/n}. Lying in a sin,” She chuckled at his words. “You are as innocent as a white flower, and as beautiful as one, hell your beauty extends beyond the white flower. I have never felt this way with anyone else, only you. You {Y/n} make me feel seen, make me feel special, make me feel heard. I don’t care what anyone says about you, I don’t care what they say about us. Who cares what your mother had to say? You should live your life. Live it beyond the expectations of a white flower.”

A smile could be seen on her face and it made him feel happy, but the smile faded when she heard someone aggressively walking their way. She moved her hands away from his and they fell to her side. Aiku was confused when he saw an older lady walking where they were. He wondered why she reacted the way she did. He looked at her then back at the older lady who got closer and closer.

“Get away from her you freak!!” The older lady proclaimed when she was a few meters away. 

“Don’t say anything, Aiku,” {Y/n} whispered to him.

It then hit him. He didn’t expect her mother to look like that. The older lady wasn’t all too bad looking, she had some features that passed down to her daughter. 

“Don’t touch my daughter you freak!” The mother was going to grab {Y/n} arm away but she didn’t let her touch anything.

“Mom, it’s not what it looks like!” She argued back.

“Yes, it is! He is talking and touching you when you know that it is forbidden!”

Aiku was about to speak but {Y/n} spoke louder, “I don’t care, Mom! If I want to talk to someone I will. This is my life and you can’t control me!” 

“Don’t say shit like that, {Y/n}! I am your mother. You listen to me and him!” She pointed up at the sky when she said ‘him’.

Aiku was confused as to what was going on but he wasn’t going to say anything as it wasn’t his turn to talk. He stood behind her close but not to close as {Y/n} mother wasn’t pointing it out. 

“You can’t tell me how to live my life anymore!” She yelled, stomping her foot down and walking closer to her mom, “I am not a little girl anymore, I haven’t been for years. I don’t have to listen to ‘him’ anymore,” She held up air quotes, “Ark isn’t my God and he never was, I believed in him because of you!”

“Don’t say that,” She yelled out loud the whole neighborhood could practically hear it. “He made you this way, he gave you your flower and you shall stand to the standards of it, a White rose, the symbol of…”

She was cut off by her daughter, “I don’t care about that, they are pretty flowers, but they aren’t who I will build myself around. Look at grandma, she was fine.”

“She was until she died!”

Aiku was baffled and had no idea if he should say anything or should keep quiet about the whole thing, but for sure wasn’t going away. 

The two kept on arguing and fighting, but the mother only got weaker and weaker as time went on. She kept coughing and her voice became slow and quiet at times. {Y/n} on the other hand was the one winning the argument even if it was due to her advantage to yell louder. Suddenly the mom collapsed to the ground on her knees. 

“Please, Ark forgive my daughter, she doesn't know what she is doing,” She talked in one breath looking up to the sky with her hands together. “Please, please, she is still innocent.”

“I don’t care about him, Mom! I don’t believe in him and I never will!” {Y/n} backed away from her mom, she hated it when she prayed to this God. “Mother, he is not going to listen to you. He didn’t even kill grandma, you did!” She admitted something she was never told. 

“Oh, please, Ark make me forget, make my sweet daughter forget. She is as simple as a white rose. Please restore her,” The mom cried as she looked down to the ground and then back up to the skies with her hand on her knees.

Aiku took {Y/n}’s hand, he got close to her ear and whispered, “We should leave while she isn’t looking.”

The female nodded and went with Aiku in an alleyway to the side. “What was that about?” He asked curious as to what they were both arguing about. 

She sighed knowing that he would have to know another way since he had been with her for a while now. “To start with my grandma, she was the rebel of the family. Her flower was a tulip which is love, and she loved alright. My grandma went around… but she had never gotten pregnant. Then she did, with a man she hated, when my mom was born she killed the man and left him in a field. My grandma gave my mom a bunch of books to read about the history of the family. My grandma didn’t care about any of it. My mom got into the family past and then learned the prairies on her own and how to raise a child like we are supposed to.”

“Then my mom got pregnant with me a few years later. My father was the love of her life so they got married. My grandma didn’t approve of anything and later killed my father. A week later my flowers started to bloom, a white rose in the purest of form. She knew I was gonna be a girl and she was right.”

“My grandma died a few weeks ago and then my mother got horribly sick. And that’s all. My family history goes deep but that is what I know from my close family.”

Aiku was confused but he tried to gather as many things as he could. He had no idea such a simple-looking family would have a deep history.

A few years later Aiku and {Y/n} have three kids and get married when the third one arrives. They finally have been disrupted from the family history. All the kids had a flower field that they grew themselves. {Y/n} mother had been arrested due to all the crimes catching up with her. 

They were living happily and still had some fake white roses around the house along with some other flower decreations. The kids thought of the flower field idea when {Y/n} told them everything about her childhood. Two of the kids were 10 and the youngest was 7. Aiku had stopped working and {Y/n} was earning money through the inheritances of the family.

a/n: This took so long for what, for what

[transhawks]

I remember that Hori referred to Hawks (and Ochako) being a 'light of hope' in 2021. It's also interesting that it was Hawks who commented on Ofa and how it connects people's hearts. Do you have any thoughts on this?

I think that arc was very dark for Hawks specifically and the anime's rendition of it is very dark. However these chapters... in 323-325 it is a bit different. It's where I think Hori was honest and where I do think Hawks and especially Ochako are at their brightest, narratively. So, uh, to go back to my writing for Graduation Day, I remember debating whether to analyze this scene because I thought it was relevant. I eventually decided that six thousand words is enough and to spare y'all, but let's get into it because I think it confirms my thesis that vulnerability is needed for connection in BNHA.

Ochako's first panels in 324 have her saying, admitting actually, that she cannot reassure people. She acknowledges they're all scared and worried.

This was the best thing she could have done.

The deification of heroes was something that led to the system they have now. Somewhere in the glitz and hero rankings people forgot these are regular people.

We see this repeatedly as an issue of identities - why Toshinori seems a shell of himself outside of All Might, most of Enji's issues boil down to him not knowing how to be Enji versus Endeavor and screwing his family up for it, and Hawks is...well, everything about Hawks is about being a Hero rather than a person, which is why Horikoshi had him kill someone literally named "humanity".

Ochako doesn't allow this to go on. She makes it clear they're all scared, they're all people who want safety, comfort, and want to be clean from mud and dirt, same as any other. It's why she's one of the Savior Kids; she's geared to try and humanize the other side. It's why she's paired with Toga. See below, as she thinks of Toga while giving a speech.

Essentially she reached the people in that crowd by reminding them who Deku is - a kid with way too much on his shoulders, a person just like them. Not a symbol, not a quirk, like AFO is treating him as. A boy. Or "regular high school kid" - yeah, I should have put this in Graduation Day, lol.

Symbols aren't meant to be fragile or have to come out from the rain. Deku does because he's a person.

So what about Hawks?

This isn't the last time Keigo is going make metaphors about One for All. Remember the line so many people read in bad faith about him comparing Endeavor "linking" people together too? He was talking about connection, pure and simple, realizing that much of his own motivations and Inasa's are connected through Endeavor, or their perceptions of him.

Truly, it's just him remarking that seeing society as holistic, as a whole rather than a part, is the key to solving their issue.

I think the emphasis on showing your soul, ugliness and cracks and all is one of the keys to reaching the villains. Something that doesn't position them as moral superiors, which is where Keigo failed drastically with Jin. He didn't give him a good choice at all. He also wasn't willing to be fully vulnerable with him. But I also think there's another dimension to this. More and more I think Horikoshi is actually criticizing individualism and the idea of "the great man". In his depicting of bystander system that has become an issue from society delegating acts of kindness and heroism to an actual career, I think he's critiquing the idea that one person can shoulder that burden.

It shouldn't be a person but a village, so to speak. It says a lot that the characters we know as villains are both seeking connection but also saying, in the depths of despair, that their individual will can change the world.

I still interpret this scene as Dabi deep in denial. Uh oh, he actually FELT something, time to double down and reiterate he doesn't give an actual fuck when truth is he DOES, he just doesn't want to. Otherwise he has to FEEL.

Anyway, the emphasis on the single person and single convinction is another one of those clues I think Horikoshi is leaving us about the "Great Man theory".

The great man theory is a 19th-century approach to the study of history according to which history can be largely explained by the impact of great men, or heroes: highly influential and unique individuals who, due to their natural attributes, such as superior intellect, heroic courage, extraordinary leadership abilities or divine inspiration, have a decisive historical effect.

I remember balking when I read this. Maybe it's because here in the West, there's little uhh agreement over Napoleon being heroic. Maybe it's because my history teachers were unsual but I've never really seen anyone seriously consider Napoleon heroic. There always seemed to be agreement he was a power-mad tyrant who took advantage of the Revolution to enact a military coup and then actual progress made by the Jacobins. So the fact chapter 3 of BNHA has Mic quoting him as a great hero was always weird. At the time of my first read through, I wrote it off as maybe Japan doesn't take this approach to Napoleon and the Revolution. One person's tyrant is another's hero, you know? But more and more I think Horikoshi has been debunking Great Man Theory with his manga. First off the premise of Great Man is usual that the Great Man is born, that his Greatness is congenital. That there's a natural aptitude for greatness, like superior intellect, etc. BNHA is absolutely refuting that, has from the first page. In fact the characters who get into the trap of believing they are born "anything" are shown to be trapped or not in a good way (see Redestro, or see Tomura and Keigo believing they are born to destroy/have dirty wings respectively). So much of who Deku has become is supposed to change this idea of biological predisposition to greatness.

Even Dabi, who has struggled against the circumstances of his birth, falls into the trap of believing some people are born with everything and are born to everything, essentially internalizing the worst of his father's own beliefs.

The story isn't kind to people who give us this rhetoric - that depending on others is wrong, or weakness. It's why Deku had his arc, after all.

Which brings us to my second point - the story isn't the triumph of individuals against evil. It's about people coming together. That's why Ochako and Keigo had their moments of realization in 323-325.

It's not about one person. It's about people.

Lastly, and this is conjecture, but there's a curiosity to the Great Man theory from a cultural standpoint. Now each culture has its Great Man to some extent. I've spoken about how All For One is likely trying to emulate Oda Nobunaga with his Demon Lord talk. But the emphasis on individual actions over collective ones, the commercialization of heroism, and the idea of competition breeding innovations/results are distinctively Western Capitalist ones. And in...a clumsy way, I think Horikoshi has been hinting at this being part of his own criticism.

Did you ever notice how the Japanese anime has them say "Hero/Hiro"? It's an imported word. Japanese has other words that mean hero, like yusha or eiyu, which have different meanings that all relate to the English hero as either a brave person (yusha) or a person of greatness/importance (eiyu). Why then use hiro, a foreign word as the title for this career?

Because the hero system is canonically imported. And so perhaps are the ideals it brought with it.

[yellowcry]

A new birtday song (or cake)

Mirabel never really liked sweet food

@encantober-official prompt — Cheese

Between all the things Julieta could expect, her youngest asking not to make a birthday cake was the strangest thing she could expect.

"Corazon," She sighed, taking her arm. Even if the things got better in the last few years, Mirabel still struggled with her self-esteem, often confirming that she didn't deserve something nice. "You deserve all cakes in the world."

"It's not like this." Mirabel swallowed, clutching her pretty embroidered skirt. "I really don't want. You know, I never was a big fun of sugar."

Yes, when most kids were stealing candies and beg for another slice, Mirabel weren't filled with much enthusiasm about it. This had always confused people outside of the family when little Mirabel kept refusing for anything what other kids would beg for, not getting more responsible than giving others (mainly Luisa) her own.

But leaving her girl without a birthday cake? This didn't sit right with Julieta at all. But Mirabel shook her head at every word. Her voice trembling. "I.. I always felt I have to force myself to eat even one bite. I know Isabela and Antonio would want cake so much." She gulped, staring away. These two were the biggest sweet-tooths in her generation. Even if Antonío could be justified with his age.

Julieta had to admit, the idea of Mirabel being unhappy and willingly refusing the birthday dish was something surreal. Cakes had their importance as she symbol of celebration. But she knew Mirabel preferred saltiness. Her love for cheese wasn't a secret to anyone in the village. 

"But, Corazon, you deserve something special on your day."

It was true. Loved Mirabel cakes or not, she couldn't sit there without a treat at the same day she was brought into this world. Julieta needed for her daughter to know how appreciated she is. Especially if her birthday was always filled with bitter feeling that clung to her throat

"Can I get... an arepa instead?"

Julieta startled. Not from suggestion, of course. She would never mind cooking whatever Mirabel wanted. But arepas were a casual food. Something she could eat on a daily life. This didn't seem exactly right. 

So Julieta got to thinking. She needed something she didn't cook often and arepas just wouldn't go. Maybe something with cheese, aside from arepas Mirabel loved food with it in general. 

She wasn't going to give Mirabel cake or a pie she didn't want even if Julieta felt so bad about it. This was about her daughter. And as Juli had realized after the family started to communicate, sometimes she was a bit overboard even if she had a good reason. But now, she knew she had to respect her child's wish even if she thought it wasn't right. Part of her still doubted it wasn't caused by self-hatred. But if Mirabel wanted something else, she would have to fulfil that wish.

Julieta decided to stop on Pan de Queso. She didn't make them far too often, usually stopping on way simpler arepas. Still with soft cheesy mass. But special for her laughter's birthday.

It tasted good. Cheesy mass melted on Julieta's tongue. The tower on rolls was getting smaller and smaller in a rapid pace.

And Mirabel looked so delightful. Not fully, she never loved her birthday ever since... that day. But she enjoyed her cake-replacement. "This is wonderful." She fixed her glasses, while rolling her eyes at Camilo.  The boy shoved a entire pan into his mouth.

Julieta let out a heartful smile, because if her daughter like it, then it was all that mattered. Maybe not what was usual. But then, they were the Madrigals. Mirabel could be ordinary (by family's standards) but she was still the most special little girl. And Julieta will forever treasure her.

[star--nymph]

look man you can do whatever you want with Inquisitions narrative all you want but the fact that it leans perfectly into the dehumanization of worship and becoming a symbol is perfect for Eurydice, who has been an object all her life

the constant unpredictability of her father, calling her his 'jewel' one second and his 'empty thing' the next, either a object of pride or abuse, but either way always an object, a thing, a mistake, a piece of a beautiful, broken piece of property 

the rejection by the clan that refused to see her parents for her they were and therefore refused to see her as a full child or person--just a strange bird at best, a troublemaker, creepy, cold, cruel, damaged, dangerous, a shadow to gawk at and level suspicious glares at, because Lycus and Ismene speak of the trouble with that one, that one causes them such headaches, that one's eyes are off, that one must be as dull as she looks, it's a shame to her parent's names, but at least that one is beautiful. At least she's nice to look at occasionally.

being placed in the position of the First despite the discontent in the clan, robotically going through the motions for duty's sake because duty is all she has, loyalty to the clan, to her family, to her Keeper, that if she performs right, there will be a nod of approval, she will be liked, left alone to her own devices, maybe even understood, but it never comes. She is a good student but a poor First--they whisper to each other that they hope a mage is born among them soon, or they must go to another clan for a new one. Can't have that one be the Keeper. Deshanna is mad and blinded by her own affection. She can't see what that is.

she leaves, for duty, she gets a taste of personhood for a few months, she wanders the world and feels an identity being grown past daughter, sister, mage, first, jewel, thing--

and then conclave explodes and the shemlings capture her, the imprison, they worship her, and they crown her

and she's only a fully realized person to a few of them--and even then there's a habit of them still trying to dehumanization her for the sake of the Inquisition as an agenda--Sera talks about the little people and how Eury can't forget about them, but she has issues seeing Eurydice past her position as "elfy" or "Inky. Vivienne, Mother Giselle, and Varric struggle between Eurydice the Inquisitor and Eurydice the Person; they both recognize that her personhood doesn't matter here, as much as it should. Eurydice as a person can't survive against the persona of the Inquisitor and as much they both want to tell her to save herself, in order for the Inquisition to prosper, she can't BE an individual, she has to be a commodity that keeps the world captivated. Something akin to a holy relic. 

Cassandra and on a lesser note, Leliana, are almost desperate for Eurydice to be a prophet despite her denying that every breath she takes. Them looking at her, an elf with God's of her own, having to live with the possibility that the Maker choose her doesn't work with what they know, what they want, but they'll make it work. It's why Cassandra asks Eurydice "Is there no room in your pantheon for one more god" because yes Cassandra IS tossing aside Eurydice's own beliefs because in the chantry's eyes, the elven pantheon doesn't matter but also it's not even about that for Cassandra. It's about HER comfort, HER faith, her need for Eurydice to take on the role as a Herald in a specific way to justify her faith

and Solas? Solas watches on and I think stays, at least in part, because he knows what he just sacrificed in Eurydice's name. She may not have died at the Conclave, but he killed her in a way. It may have been what was done to him all those years ago, when the rebels made him into the Dread Wolf and had his own name forgotten to time and dreams. Gods aren't people. They are beyond such things.

and Eurydice lives with it, stripped down every second of every day when they call her: Inquisitor, Herald, Your Worship, Lady Lavellan, The Banshee, Witch, The First, Jewel, Thing. What is she if not a doll, one posed this way and that for the will of an society that is just waiting to chop off her ears and portray her as human?

and when someone uses her name and sees Eurydice as a thinking, breathing person, her first instinct is to think she must have tricked them

because if everyone else only saw her as a thing, then it must be true, right?

[deadboyswalking]

Why The Overhaul Arc Matters

Strap the FUCK in I just realized the actual narrative significance of the Overhaul arc.

Eri-Tomura Parallel

At a surface level, Eri and Tomura have obvious parallels, right?

Visually, they look very similar with light hair and red eyes. Quirk-wise, they both have incredibly powerful, devastating Quirks that caused a fatal accident with their real families.

Eri hated herself because of the poison that Chisaki put in her head. Tomura hates himself for the same reason but with AFO.

They both were groomed to feel fully responsible for their traumatizing childhood accidents and for their only self-worth to be related to being useful towards their manipulative abuser and his goals.

Their parallels have been discussed at length by many people, so I'm not going to go into it except to say: no, they aren't literally blood related like some people argue. I also don't think AFO gave either of them their Quirks. Did AFO give Decay? Analysis Thread

Overhaul-AFO Parallel

That leads me to my next point: Overhaul and All For One are the same character.

As leaders, they prey on vulnerable people and buy their unquestioned loyalty (the Shie Hassaikai, Dr. Garaki, Machia, etc)

They will use these people for their purposes and then discard them at will, without any emotions or ethics to consider.

Their relationship toward their charge is NOT exactly parental. There is zero affection or even pretended affection towards Eri or Tomura and, in fact, others are doing their actual day-to-day care (various Hassaikai members, Kurogiri).

They speak in the same way to and about their charges. "You're a cursed human." "Another death on your hands." "Symbol of Fear" "You have within you the impulse to destroy that even you can't control." A huge part of their abuse is based in manipulating their charges to despise themselves and think they're inherently evil, so said charges give up on being a regular human. Further literary parallel: Claude Frollo in The Hunchback of Notre Dame.

Deku's Connection

AND FINALLY, my point: the Overhaul-Eri situation is directly responsible for Deku's current empathy toward Tomura and drive to save him. When Deku saw AFO take over Tomura and use his body for his own purposes during the war, especially with what he saw in the vestige realm, I think the parallel with Eri clicked.

Tomura is what would've happened to Eri if she hadn't been rescued. I fully think that if Eri had survived to adulthood without being rescued, Overhaul would have groomed her to live entirely for his benefit with full live-or-die loyalty for him (like the rest of the Shie Hassaikai, but stronger due to manipulation from childhood onwards). She would have grown to hate society for not saving her AND for being against Overhaul's goals. I honestly think she would've been even scarier than Tomura since Tomura at least had Kurogiri (who has been show to genuinely care for him on some level) rather than random gangsters as his primary caregiver.

Don't you see? It's all connected to Deku's endgame: pulling Tomura away from AFO and saving someone else who has been damned because of their Quirk and abuser. Of course, saving Tomura, a grown man who has committed A LOT of violence, is going to be much harder than saving a wholly innocent little girl, but the SEED was planted during the Overhaul arc.

I believe this is also WHY Deku chooses to see the Tenko that still lives inside Tomura.

Final Thoughts

This might be super obvious but I'd been scratching my head for MONTHS about how the Overhaul arc is significant to the narrative since the Quirk bullets storyline went nowhere and I'm not a fan of the "Eri rewinds the villains or the whole world!" take. I was so quick to discard the Overhaul arc as unimportant when the bullets didn't impact the story much, but I just completely missed the big picture.

I SAW the Eri-Tomura and Overhaul-AFO parallels but I couldn't quite figure out how the pieces went together beyond the surface parallel of two similarly abused children and two abusers. Understanding this connection also fixes what I had considered to be a huge logical plot hole in the story: why did Deku have a sudden 11th-hour change of heart and shift his focus from defeating Tomura to saving him?

Overhaul-Eri to AFO-Tomura is a direct link for Deku's endgame and the total themes of the story, I just couldn't see it before.

[bluegekk0]

How was the King's Soul's Charm broken? Did they break it appart after they divorced? And did Ghost know, that FPK was still alive in the White Palace? Or did they just slap him out of anger and resentment which caused FPK to actually awaken?

Yeah, I think the charm was symbolic of their union and was split in half after they separated. Since it generates soul, I imagine that was the main reason why FPK kept his fragment the entire time. It took him a while to get over the divorce, he felt guilty about it and even considered getting back with WL occasionally, but in moments of clarity he realized what he felt wasn't love, he didn't really miss her that much, and he actually really liked the freedom (not having to constantly dance to her expectations took a lot of stress away from him), so it was just his constant self-doubt speaking. Though despite that, I like to think that the reason why he kept it wasn't purely practical. They separated on good terms, and even though she hurt him a lot and he didn't truly love her, he was still open to the idea of staying on friendly terms. So there was a bit of a sentimental value there as well, but it was still mostly for soul related reasons.

WL was definitely more sentimental about it, she did love him even though she was often unintentionally cruel to him, so it she held onto it for that reason, until she gave it to Ghost. She moved on from the relationship throughout all the years, so at that point it was easier for her to give it away. She still thinks of FPK very fondly, but in all the years of being alone with her own thoughts she realized how selfish she was, how much pain and stress she caused him, and that he deserved better than her. So by the time they reunited, she fully accepted that they would not get back together, and that it was better that way.

This is going slightly offtopic but I'd still like to bring it up here while I'm on the topic of WL. I don't think she's very close friends with FPK these days. There is no hostility between them, they do get along and make an effort to stay in touch. But they both have their own lives now, FPK has his family and WL had her gardens to take care of, so they don't cross paths very often. Plus any conversations between are quite awkward, it's clear that FPK still finds her intimidating and she she still struggles with keeping her self-absorbed tendencies in check and showing more empathy (though she's definitely trying her best). Part of her still loves him, but instead of trying to claim him back for herself, she expresses that love by wishing him the best in his new relationship. And even despite her dislike towards Grimm, she has to admit that FPK seems much happier with him than he ever was with her. Plus, of course, she now knows about FPK's sexuality, so it's not like she even has a chance. But despite all that, she doesn't hold a grudge towards anyone but herself, she deeply regrets treating FPK the way she did, so the best she can do is support him in his new life, and try to become a better person.

---

As for Ghost, I don't think they really paid attention to whether or not FPK was alive. They were only after the charm fragment, nothing else. Maybe they noticed some blood when they struck him, which would suggest that he's still alive, but they left as soon as they got what they were looking for. I don't think they even cared about him enough to feel anger towards him. In their eyes he wasnothing, they didn't consider him their father, he was nothing more than the animals and beasts that got in their way and met their blade. He was on the throne, he held onto the fragment, so they smacked him to make him drop it. He wasn't worthy of any more of their time, they had more important things to do.

[reccyls]

quick summary of gilbert's proposal event route:

Gilbert just vanished for a day, sending MC and Roderich into a panic, searching the entire castle and even the city for him. When he reappears, MC worriedly asks him where he's been, but Gilbert deflects the question, saying it doesn't really matter. MC is still worried, but internally decides that for now it's okay, since Gilbert appears to be well and it doesn't look like anything happened.

When she wakes up the next day, she's greeted with the sight of a black wedding dress on a mannequin, Gilbert standing right next to her, as he cheerfully proclaims that they're going to get married. While the MC does want to get married someday, she feels uneasy about the situation in a way she can't quite place yet.

Cut to Akatsuki, here in Obsidian for business. Gilbert is asking for MC's hand in marriage from him (though it's less asking, more just declaring), and Akatsuki immediately threatens to kill Gilbert. But basically, Akatsuki says that now isn't an appropriate time for them to be married yet. They don't know each other enough, they can't fully trust each other. And for that reason he won't give his blessing. Why is Gilbert rushing this anyway? The two of them have plenty of time. As Akatsuki speaks, MC realizes what exactly is making her so uneasy about everything.

That night, she goes to see Valter, Gilbert's personal physician. She asks him about Gilbert's disappearance the previous day, but Valter says that he can't talk to her about it. But that reaction is enough for the MC to work out that Gilbert hid away for the day because his health had worsened and he didn't want her to know.

(From here on out it's the premium end from Gilbert's POV as I have not finished the Sweet end yet)

Gilbert catches her as she leaves Valter, scolding her for going to see another man at night. However, MC then talks about how she knows that Gilbert had disappeared because he had gotten sick, and specifically also hid that from her. She says that this is why she doesn't want to get married to him yet; he doesn't fully trust her yet. She knows that she isn't a doctor, that she can't really do anything to help when he gets sick. All she can do is do things like rub his back or be there with him. But in her opinion, that is what true family is: people who will support each other and be there for each other no matter what, and who can trust each other to look after them in their worst moments.

Gilbert thinks that at one point, he thought like that too. During his childhood he had his older brother Albert, and his mother. When he was bedridden and whenever his already poor health took a turn for the worse, at least one of them would be there with him to hold his hand. But Albert and his mother are gone now. There is nobody left for him.

Until the MC is here, offering to be that for him. And Gilbert comes to a realization: he is afraid of her. He is afraid to put that trust in her, and to have her betray him the same way Albert and his mother did: by leaving him or being taken from him. That's why he wanted to rush the marriage: in order to bind her to him and ensure that she would always stay by his side.

MC says that of course she wants to marry Gilbert some day, to officially become part of his family. But they can't do that now, when Gilbert still has these hangups. She understands that Gilbert has lived his whole life in Obsidian palace, where showing any sign of weakness was to invite an opportunity for assassination, and so he doesn't feel safe being weak around anyone anymore. But she is willing to wait for him and with him, for as long as it takes until he can trust her fully with his weakness.

Which is when Gilbert suggests an engagement instead of a marriage, which MC happily agrees to. She does ask for some time before the ceremony in order to prepare a gift for him as well, which turns out to be a necktie embroidered with roses. Gilbert says that ties have a symbolic meaning of binding, and teasingly asks her if it means that she wants to bind him to her. And she says that's exactly what she means. She is binding herself to him as well, her way of saying that she won't leave and she won't die. So he doesn't have to worry about either of those happening.

She also calls him "Gil" at long last, surprising him since she never said it once. Gilber thinks that before, only his family called him that. But up until that point there was nobody left in the world who would call him Gil anymore. So hearing MC call him Gil, the special nickname that he associates with his beloved family... he didn't think that he could ever be so happy.

[timecma]

i'm curious - when and why did xanthous become your favorite character?

for me it was chapter 8 of atom lol

Oh boy, alright this is where I really start to show my age haha. The Land of Stories: The Wishing Spell came out when I was in middle school. One of my friends recommended it to me and I decided to read it because escapism was my only way to cope (😭). Well, when I got to the chapter where it showed the Fairy Council, I immediately was hooked on Xanthous. Solely for the fact that he was the only guy there. It kind of stood out to me because I was also the only guy in a friend group full of girls. Obviously it was because I was gay but that was back when I was still in denial and didn’t understand myself fully.

Well, I hyperfixated on this guy since it just reflected my own kind of situation. Literally like 2012-2013. Back then. Boy howdy, you wouldn’t even believe how I felt when I realized this guy was gay too. Anyway, as the books kept coming out, I kept requesting them from the library, and boom. Xanthous kept showing up. In book 2 he was there. In book 3 he was there. In 4 too for a bit, and then 5 rolled around and we got Conner’s off-brand, straight-coded, adrenaline junkie version (Blaze), and he came back for a bit in book 6. It was crazy. He had been my favorite character since The Wishing Spell. I thought he was going to die in book 6, but he made it out. When I tell you my heart was beating out of my chest you better believe it.

But, then. Then. A Tale of Magic came out. I was in college by then, going through the motions while having thought The Land of Stories was done until the sequel. When I tell you the amount of excitement I got when I saw my favorite character was getting an origin story sent me through the roof, I mean it. By then, Xanthous was a household name. My sister also loves the series and we had collaborated on a piece for the Book Hugger’s Guide—and it got in! (I tell this to everyone since they all get confused, but the name on it is hers because she’s older than me and if you were of a certain age when submitting it then you didn’t have to get parental permission, so she submitted it and you could only get one name on it so here we are. But you might recognize a bit of the anime/manga style that I’ve now expanded upon and improved. That was a reeeeeally long time ago anyway haha. I also did one for the A Tale of Sorcery Zoom Webinar and got it in there too, and I asked my sister if she wanted to help on it a bit, but all she really did was add some sparkles to what I had already done. Nonetheless, she still contributed a bit like she had the first time around. She doesn’t do much with the series anymore these days—but she and I were always kind of a team when it came to art back then.)

Also when I say that Xanthous is a household name, I mean that literally. Anyone who knows me irl knows Xanthous—especially because he now physically exists in my life. When I tell you this man has been the Netflix, Hulu, and Amazon Prime password star I mean it. Literally. It’s always his name prefaced or followed by some random string of numbers and symbols. It’ll always have Xanthous in there somewhere. My whole entire family knows about this guy—that’s how much of my favorite character he is.

When I realized Xanthous was gay and basically had a version of the childhood I did…my world was flipped upside-down. Suddenly I knew wayyy too much about this man. Suddenly his experiences were my own and I felt kind of weird about it, not going to lie. I think it’s cool though how Chris Colfer actually came out and said he was gay and gave him a boyfriend (we also love Elrik in this house). A part of me always kind of…knew? That he was gay?? Like I could sense it with my gaydar through the books and their pages. You can smell it on this guy. You won’t believe how funny it was when I saw he had that crisis in the antique store scene in A Tale of Sorcery. Ah, that brought back memories for me personally. Except I wasn’t in an antique store, I was sitting down with friends at a get together and someone clocked me as gay and I panicked.

Anyway, Xanthous has been my favorite character for many, many, many years. I’ve got old art of him too, but I’m definitely not going to show it because it’s also art I made back when I was in the closet and trying to not let anyone realize I was a boy who liked to kiss boys lol. It’s a bit embarrassing haha.

But yeah! Xanthous’s character has always been a source of…comfort for me. I think he’s super neat and his character has such a wide arc of growth it’s insane. He’s also more complex than the others—not adhering to a specific style of character between the prequel and the main series. He feels more real. More human. More like how I do kind of haha. At first I liked him because I liked the idea that he was kind of like me.

And then he REALLY became kind of like me.

And the rest is history 😁

[stories-and-chaos]

Tarnished pt 9

[Helluva Boss AU where Blitzø’s childhood theft from Stolas’ palace is discovered and major consequences ensue for everyone involved.]

[Part 9/?? Word count: 2632

Cw: trafficking, implied noncon, prostitution]

—————

Roughly a year and a half after her adoption, Loona had mostly gotten used to living in the Pride Ring. She felt comfortable enough to verbally spar with Blitzø and she wasn’t as jumpy when he gave her hugs. She hadn’t told him about Dina though.

She had told Octavia however. Blitzø, once he realized how interested she was in magick, had brought her along to Stolas’ estate for some lessons. The demon prince was starting to teach his daughter and was thrilled to have another pupil. Having an enthusiastic pupil was even better.

Loona and the young owl girl got along famously. Via had heard about the Hellhound from Blitzø beforehand and had been looking forward to meeting the older girl. They had similar tastes in style, music, and general attitude to the trappings of royalty. Loona also had plenty of experience defending another so she could act as Via’s bodyguard if needed.

Via, for her part, had someone female to spend time with other than her mother or the household staff. Oh there were other Goetia her age, but she’d never been close to any of them. She was getting along better with Loona, despite the difference in age and status.

She was naturally curious why her new friend was so driven to learn magick. Octavia had her familial obligation to learn but Loona didn’t. For a while, the hellhound just said she enjoyed learning it. Eventually she trusted Via enough to tell her the full reason.

Via had been distressed and outraged at the treatment her friend had received. When she found out about Dina, she nearly tracked down her father to have him correct the situation, angry tears streaking down her face.

Loona hurriedly stopped her. “Via, I don’t even know where she is! And I don’t want to tell Blitzø about this. If you get your dad, he’ll tell Blitzø.”

Sniffling, Via asked, “Why not? Dad and Blitzy will both help you.” She was still young enough to trust the adults in her life with a lot of things; she hadn’t experienced anything like what Loona had to make her so wary.

“It-It’s complicated V. Please don’t tell your dad?” Loona’s desperate tone got through to the Goetian princess.

“Okay, Lu. But only if you promise to get help if you need it.” The hellhound agreed, reluctantly. From then on the girls practiced in earnest. Loona needed more power for the tracking spell and practice was the best way to get it.

After months of practice, Loona started to see a symbol as she fell asleep. She couldn’t make it out fully but she got the impression of interlocking curved lines in light gold. At first she thought she was imagining things; it only appeared as she was falling asleep after all. But then she started seeing it as she cast spells, like an afterimage from her phone. Am I going crazy?

She didn’t mention it to anyone. She still preferred to keep things close to her chest as much as possible. But she didn’t count on Stolas being observant.

The owl demon noticed Loona shaking her head and rubbing her eyes after every bit of magick during lessons. She’d never done so before but it was becoming more frequent over the past month. He had a suspicion of what was happening, but he’d have to get the stoic girl to talk with him.

His chance came when Stella pulled their daughter away from their lesson to attend some sort of garden party. Octavia rarely went to any of these get-togethers; she despised the stuffiness. After many rounds of discussion, she agreed to attend at most one a month. This one was a bit of a surprise however. Evidently there was a last minute addition to the guest list and whoever it was, Stella was adamant that her daughter meet them.

So before they even opened up the grimoire, Stella whisked Via away to get ready. That left Loona with Stolas in his study. Blitzø was using the time to harangue the mechanic he’d hired to fix his van; the engine was still being a bitch.

“Well then. I suppose that puts covering anything new on hold.” Stolas set his grimoire aside. “Might I have a word with you instead, Loona?” From what he and Blitzø could gather, she was justifiably uneasy with males in authority positions. Up until now, he’d never interacted with her one on one; there had always been his daughter or a member of I.M.P. around as well. But this was best discussed privately.

Loona’s ears laid back, betraying her nerves. Stolas had been unfailingly polite to her thus far. But she’d never been alone with him. “Uhhhh, I guess?” His glowing red eyes, all four of them, examined her from across his desk.

“You’re seeing something strange when you use magick lately. Correct?” She just about jumped out of her skin and her hackles raised. How the fuck had he known that? He looked satisfied and continued. “You started seeing it when you fell asleep. It’s some sort of design, complicated, with a faint glow?” She nodded, eyes wide. “Don’t worry, you’re not going mad and I haven’t read your mind. What you’re seeing is your sigil.”

“My…sigil?” She glanced at the cover of the grimoire, where Stolas’ sigil was embossed. “But I don’t have a sigil, only royal demons…”

Stolas made a humming trill as he laced his hands together. “Oh every demon has a sigil, just like everyone has a name. But most never know theirs; it takes a considerable amount of power for it to be revealed. I started seeing mine when I was a little older than Via. I already knew what it was, of course.” He gave an elegant shrug. “Goetian children have theirs revealed when we’re in the egg. Mine was placed on my grimoire before I even acquired it.” He gestured at the book in question as he watched Loona’s reaction.

The hellhound let out a breath she didn’t know she was holding. It wasn’t her imagination and she wasn’t going crazy. “You said it takes a lot of power to see yours right? That means… I am getting better at this?”

He gave a hooting laugh, but it wasn’t a mocking kind. “Oh my yes! ‘Better’ would be an understatement; you’ll rival some of the Goetia at this rate. You have a rare talent for this Loona. What’s more, you have the drive to improve upon that talent.” She blushed deeply and hunched her shoulders at the unexpected praise. He could see the hint of an embarrassed smile however.

“Now, you’ll be glad to know that you won’t be seeing it every time you use a spell forever. It will continue to become clearer as you practice, until it’s revealed fully. At that point, it’s etched into your mind. You’ll never forget what it looks like and you will only see it when you call it up. But!” Loona sat up in surprise. “The only way to get to that point is continued practice. Shall we?”

A few weeks later Loona was able to see her sigil fully for the first time. She had opened a portal to Earth so the imp trio could carry out their next hit. As she closed it, the afterimage she had been seeing became more distinct. As if drawn by a dozen hands, the lines of the symbol filled in rapidly. The last line connected and the entirety flared in her mind before it faded.

Stolas was right; even though she’d only seen it for a second, Loona knew every stroke of her sigil. A series of crescent moons created most of the design centered inside a double ring. Her name was in the border in serif letters. Once she got over her amazement, one thought became all important.

“I can find Dina now.”

————

Loona was sure she had enough power to track her sister in a densely populated city. The issue now was getting there. She knew how to drive at this point and she could probably get Blitzø to let her use the van on a day off.

The van was a disaster on wheels though. At this point everyone but Blitzø agreed it was cursed and not worth the effort to keep fixing. He insisted it just needed a really good tune up and kept trying. Loona was fairly sure it would break down if she tried to drive it to Pentagram City and back.

She knew Pentagram City was her first destination; she’d already tried the tracking spell. One use had confirmed a lot of things. That Dina was alive, somewhere in the Pride Ring, and in the direction of the Pentagram. There was a chance she was in an area on the other side, but Loona didn’t think it was likely. Those demons worked for an Overlord and they were all based in the major Sinner city.

Loona was planning to hire a cab when Via swooped in with her own solution. “You can accompany me on a shopping trip there. Mum keeps telling me to visit the fashion houses. I’ll get dropped off with you as my guard and we activate the spell in the city.” Loona wasn’t one for physical affection but she couldn’t help hugging the younger girl then.

Octavia arranged for them to be chauffeured in her family’s limousine. One the way there, Loona reviewed the spell with her friend to keep her nerves at bay. She had one strand of Dina’s fur taped to a piece of cardstock, carefully tucked into her bag. The spell consumed whatever was used to identify the target. It would then be active for 24 hours. Hopefully they’d locate her sister today. But if not, she didn’t want to waste any strands. The rest were in their envelope in her room.

The cardstock also had her sigil drawn in ink. From what she’d learned with Stolas, adding her sigil to a spell gave it more power. Considering they would have to sift through hundreds of thousands of souls, Loona wanted every advantage she could get.

Stolas had made sure to warn her about using it. Depending on the spell, it could drain her to dangerous levels, especially if she couldn’t stop whatever magick she set in motion. And if anyone managed to learn hers, they could use it to bind her. He reassured her it was unlikely. Information on demon binding was sparse and mostly in the hands of the Goetia, the Sins, or the Morningstars. It was how humans could summon hellborn to the mortal realm, so caution was still called for.

Since Loona had put it on a flammable card attached to the identifying fur, the whole thing should burn together once the tracking was activated. And if not, that’s what lighters were for.

The driver let them out into a plaza bordered by high end boutiques on all sides. Clothes, shoes, jewelry, and a bewildering array of accessories all had shops here. Each one seemed to specialize in an article of fashion; Loona spotted one that only had vermillion gloves on display.

Octavia had been here plenty of times. This was one of Stella’s favorite destinations after all. She went to the least prissy store she knew of and browsed through the black dresses. Dresses, not gowns. It would take an eternity to try on even one of the gowns her mother would approve of. She selected a handful to try on and of course asked her attending hellhound to assist her in the dressing room.

Via tried on her selections while Loona worked her magick, literally. This spell was finicky so Via actually finished before her friend did. She waited patiently until the center of the card erupted in a smokeless blue flame. “Okay, I’ve got it,” Loona said. The whole card hadn’t burned, the outer ring and a few lines of her sigil were still visible. She pocketed the card to burn outside.

Via actually did like two of the dresses she’d tried on; she paid for them and instructed the demon at the register to have them ready for her driver to pick up. That was one perk about being royalty; she didn’t have to carry her own bags if she didn’t want to.

Loona took the lead once outside. The only visible evidence of her spell was a faint blue tint to her white pupils. From her perspective, there was a blue thread from her core into the city. It didn’t follow the streets. It passed right through objects and demons to make a straight line from her.

That meant the two girls often ended up backtracking and examining the street map on their phones. But as they got closer, that blue thread thickened until it was a cord about as wide as the hellhound’s finger. “We’re getting real close V.”

“Oh good. I think my talons are ready to fall off.” They’d been walking most of the day. Even with a break for a quick lunch, this was more than the Goetia was used to. Her friend, on the other claw, seemed tireless. Whether that was part of being a hellhound or the anxiety of the search Via couldn’t tell. “How far do-“ her question was interrupted by her bumping into Loona’s outstretched arm. “Loona? What’s wrong?”

Loona was growling, a deep rumble that shook Via’s bones. “I’m not bringing you in there,” she said, pointing with her chin. The street before them had red bulbs in the streetlights. The neon signs flickering on advertised more forms of sexual activity than the teen had imagined.

Via squawked and covered her eyes with her hands. “Oh, oooh no no no.” She’d been upset for Loona and her sister this whole time. But being here, on the edge of the Red Light District, the reality of the situation was driven home.

Demons, both Sinners and hellborn, started exiting various establishments. Some were heading out into the city, a few stationed themselves at entrances to draw clients in. Loona’s nose twitched and her ears swiveled. All her focus turned to a hellhound that emerged from a door halfway down the street. Via could see the hound had similar lupine traits to Loona, despite being at least a head shorter and slimmer.

The hound stopped a few paces away from the door and went through the same process of detection. She locked eyes with Loona. Before Loona could do anything, the other dashed back inside. “Dina, wait!” she called out, starting to run after the other girl.

“Loona!” Via grabbed onto the arm blocking her way. “Lu, we can’t just run in there! We found her, right? Now we can make a plan!”

Loona shook in place. But she let Octavia pull her to a more savory area of the city. The young owl demon called their ride and did her best to push the hellhound inside. She tried not to think about the tracking thread shrinking back down as they headed back to the palace. Instead she tried to figure out her next step.

She was so off balance that she didn’t realize where Via was hauling her. So when the other girl flung open the doors to her father’s chambers, Loona was just as surprised as the two demons making out on the lounge.

“Via! Whatever prompted this owlette?”

“Hey! You gotta knock Puffball! And you too Loonie!”

“V- V wait-“

“We need to help Loona’s sister, now,” Via declared with more authority than anyone present had ever heard from her before.

Loona buried her face in her hands. Fuck fuck fuuuuuuuuck. Stolas and Blitzø, both only half dressed, stared at their daughters before yelling, “WHAT?!”

<<First <Prev Next>

[snow-system-wol]

Now that S'ria is finally starting to work through things for himself... Perhaps he can be of help to others as well? (~1.8k)

(Cw: vague references to SA, implied.)

Ao3

S'ria had left Gaius a linkpearl with a private connection to his own – not to be frivolously contacted, but to reach out to S'ria if Allie was struggling in a way that Gaius could not figure out how to help her through. S'ria was not so arrogant as to believe himself perfect, but he at least felt his experience might be worth something.

--

It was not a surprise for S'ria when the line was eventually contacted. A simple, to the point, message asking for S'ria to come at his next free moment.

--

And that was how S'ria found himself sitting across a table from Gaius, a man that was once a symbol of all S'ria hated. Now he was offering S'ria a cup of tea and looking for all the world like a tired father, nothing more.

S'ria awkwardly cringed and shook his head. “Er, no offense intended, but I'd prefer to serve myself.” He got up and walked over to where the kettle still sat on the stovetop. “It's not you, just too many past incidents and attempts.”

To his credit, Gaius did not look particularly bothered.

(Though S'ria had somewhat lied, when he claimed it wasn't about Gaius – it was hard to fully overlook their past, even if he'd be paranoid regardless. Of course it'd matter who Gaius was.)

Still, S'ria was not here on a casual social visit with a prior legatus, and got onto topic once he sat down with his tea. “What's been happening?”

Gauis put his own cup down, staring down into it. “What has not been? Night terrors, spells of panic or becoming completely vacant… I'd hoped to have figured out how to help by now, but clearly I haven't gotten far.”

“Ah…” S'ria sighed, trying to think through it. “What have you tried?”

Gaius blinked, sounding far more awkward than S'ria had ever heard him. “Er, I try to speak to her, reassuringly?”

S'ria found himself about to question whether Gaius had known anything about how to help the soldiers with shellshock under his command, but quickly realized – Gaius would not have been trying to treat them like family, it was not comparable in the slightest.

There was a mild fuzziness in his head, the feeling of Menphina being just as present as he was – but he would not mind if she felt the need to borrow his voice during what would follow.

“Okay, that's an alright start. You haven't been suddenly touching her during any of these incidents, right?”

Gaius shook his head, to S'ria's relief. 

“Okay, good. It would be fine to ask her if she wants anything like a hug or holding your hand – let her know you'd be okay with it.”

G'raha always asked. S'ria liked that – and he only had his experiences to fully draw from, and snippets of interactions with others.

To be having this conversation with Gaius was downright uncanny, though.

“She's nearly a woman grown. Would she not think I'm infantilizing her?”

S'ria shrugged. “That's the risk you need to take. There's nothing childish about needing comfort, though.” He tapped his fingers on the table thoughtfully. “If there's… something that feels nice to her, like a heavy rock, or jewelry with a nice texture… you could work with her to find something like that, hand it to her when she's not feeling good.”

A part of S'ria worried that Gaius would laugh at the suggestion, but he was clearly taking this conversation very seriously. Good – S'ria knew that being called here, pride be damned, meant that Gaius cared for his daughter… but it was reassuring for it to be confirmed. 

“That would help her? It doesn't sound difficult to try.”

“Might help her. It helps some people, I can't promise you a perfect solution.” He paused, unsure where their boundaries laid. “It would be best to speak with her about these things, let her explain the nightmares or what's scaring her, and help her work through it like that.”

Gaius’s expression closed off – perhaps he had crossed some sort of line? 

“She won't talk to me about it – hasn't said a word during those.” He paused, a pained look on his face. “Maybe she'd talk to you?”

Oh.

S'ria could not think of a reason why she'd rather talk to a stranger involved in killing her family than her father, but… “I can give it a go. Where can I find her?”

---

Their home was quite small, modest – Allie may have been able to hear their conversation from her bedroom, if she had been trying. S'ria mentally shrugged – nothing particularly untoward had been said, outside of some bitterness seeping through on Gaius's part. 

S'ria knocked on the door, patiently waiting for her approval before entering. 

“Oh – it's you. He said you'd visit.”

“Yes. Is it alright that I'm here?”

She went to sit on her bed, bouncing her legs against the frame. It struck S'ria just how small she looked, even if she was unlikely to gain any more height as an adult. “It is. I know he's worried, and that he wants you to try to… help me.” Something about her own phrasing made her shudder and S'ria cringed.

“Hey, I'm not going to hurt you, yeah? Your father would kill me if I did.”

She nodded weakly. “I know that.”

“Is there…” S'ria cleared his throat. “I'm sorry to ask, but is there a reason why you don't talk through your fears with him?”

Allie went through several emotions at once, too fast for S'ria to read. She eventually settled on something S'ria could only describe as a mix of fear and relief. 

“Could… you tell him to leave? The house is too small for this.”

Oh. She truly did not want to speak of this with Gaius… or even within a certain radius of him.

S'ria awkwardly slipped back out to the main room, very aware that he was about to kick Gaius from his own home. “It seems like she's willing to speak privately with me, but… it would be more comfortable if you were guaranteed out of hearing range. If you have any errands to run?”

Gaius tensed, clearly hesitant to leave the two of them alone. S'ria felt a wave of relief and reassurance as Gaius nodded and began putting his boots on – it was an overwhelming thing at times, to be trusted to be strong and to be harmless.

Once the front door was closed, he returned to Allie. She immediately gestured for him to sit in the chair by her desk, a comfortable distance away. She stared at her hands for a long time, and S'ria patiently waited for the several minutes that may have passed. Eventually she slightly raised her head, words coming out cautiously. 

“I don't know if he'd think of me the same, if I explained.”

“Why would you think that?”

Allie shrugged. “Accepting pain without complaint is a show of strength, but letting yourself be hurt without fighting back… that feels like cowardice.”

She stood up and turned her back to S'ria, pulling her shirt up as if to remove it. S'ria stuttered nervously, but, blessedly, she did not follow through with that motion. That gave S'ria the focus to actually look. The scars on the exposed part of her back were… hard to miss. Distinctive – some looking like lashes, and others long-healed welts that brought to mind a brand. 

She hastily dropped her shirt back into place once S'ria had time to look and sat down again. “He's never seen these, I've made sure of it. My brothers had it worse, but..”

Menphina settled more heavily into front. She attempted to continue with S'ria's voice, but if it drifted to hers, so be it.

“Allie, I do not believe he would blame you for that. I'm sure he'd be angry, but it would not be at you.”

Allie pulled her legs up to her chest. “It's not just that.”

Menphina tilted her head, but otherwise quietly waited.

“You won't tell him about this, will you?”

“Absolutely not, not unless you ask me to.”

Allie nodded. “Good.” She busied herself with the motions of trying to clean under her nails. “There were… other things, things I didn't try to stop. Sometimes I even went to him willingly, when I wanted his focus away from my brothers, I… it was the best for everyone.”

Menphina, despite the vagueness, did not need to ask for clarification to understand. She had... suspected, though she'd hoped that was just their paranoia.

Allie blinked conspicuously, turning her head away from Menphina. “I never tried refusing, and if Father knew…”

Menphina made her voice as soft as possible. “If he knew, then... what?”

“Varro was a horrible man, and what I've done is awful.”

Menphina leaned forward, lowering herself to try to meet Allie’s eyes. “No, it is not. Doing something you feel that you must is not your fault, it is coercion. If Gaius does not understand that, then borrow his linkpearl and contact me – I will be sure to explain why he is wrong.”

Allie looked up, eyes wide. “Ah, you –”.

Menphina lifted her hands placatingly. “I do not mean that I would do him any harm, merely that he would be getting a very long lecture.”

(It was almost funny to S'ria – the idea of them, with all of their history and trauma that remained unavoidably linked to Gaius, lecturing him about consent.)

Allie smiled weakly at Menphina. “It's kind of you to say that.” She paused. “Why are you being so nonjudgmental?”

She returned the smile, hesitating only briefly. “I may have some personal past experience.” She fought the urge to start nervously playing with her hands. “...Please, I ask that you do not pry.”

It was not for her to tell, even to say that much was a liberty – one she would not even have taken aside from the fact that S'ria was awake to stop her if he wished.

She shook her head and quickly moved on. “I am entirely serious, about everything I said. Should you talk your memories through with him, I'd hope he'd handle it correctly – but should that not be the case, I shall stand up for you.”

Allie gazed at her quizzically, eyebrows drawn together, and Menphina worried briefly that she'd ask despite the request.

To Menphina's relief, she simply nodded. “I think it would be easiest if I got it over with, while I'm feeling more confident right now.”

Menphina nodded, standing up. “I can go find him and let him know we are done talking, if you would like?”

“Wait! ”

Menphina froze, stopping in place. “Yes?”

Allie bit her lip, looking away for a moment. “When I talk to him…could you stay? ”

Menphina's heart ached for this girl, and the trust being shown nearly brought tears to her eyes. “Of course.”

Allied relaxed, slowly climbing off her bed and approaching Menphina. “Er, may I…?”

At Menphina's little nod, Allie briefly hugged her, gently bonking her forehead against her sternum. Menphina wondered if it was anything like Miqo’te habits, the way people lovingly bump their heads against those they care for.

Gods, she was even younger than the twins, and Menphina already felt so protective of them at their age.

Menphina stepped away once Allie let go, putting a reassuring smile on. “I shall return soon – it will be alright.”

[kapisonozaki]

meakashi thoughts, part one, slide eleven (+ a bit of watanagashi for context)

The old toy in this sense would probably be Satoshi, and if this interpretation makes sense, then it also reveals more about Shion’s immaturity in comparing love to getting toys. She says “My boring life suddenly became bright again,” which emphasizes how much she’s starting to move on. But if we start to think about what this really means, a deeper meaning is involved. When she starts to look forward to hanging out with Keiichi, it also means that she’s moving away from Satoshi. But in this case, Satoshi can also symbolize the truth to Shion. If she can look past the truth of what happened to Satoshi, then her life can become bright, it can become happy. By moving on from the truth and creating her own happiness, only then can she truly be satisfied. However, we see later on what happens when Shion clings on to the Satoshi in her heart, or her idea of what the truth is. It drives her insane, falling to the curse of Oyashiro and eventually not even realizing what the truth really is. Actually, that’s not accurate. The truth was right in front of her all along, but because she assumed the truth to be one that would make her miserable, and yet one that she HAD to learn, she lost her way. Mion tells Shion all about Keiichi later, which causes Shion to drift away, thinking about Satoshi. BUt when she cuts back, Mion is grim all of a sudden. She tells Shion how she wanted a doll, but she couldn’t bring herself to ask her uncle for one, again showing how Mion at this point in the story is still unable to love herself, due to the Sonozaki household distorting her sense of love and self-worth. She believes that unless she is Mion, she doesn’t deserve anything, let alone anything from her own family, which still holds true even when she is Mion, which shows to go how far the trauma has affected her.  And when Keiichi got what Mion described as “the cutest doll,” the thought never once crossed him to give it to Mion. In fact, he shames Mion for it (albeit unintentionally) calling her unfit for the doll and that she should just be a guy in the next life. Knowing Mion, this is definitely more hurtful than it seems. It’s much more than just calling someone a tomboy when the person in question is Mion. Her entire life, she was abused whenever she wasn’t the ideal older sister “Mion.” She could only find “love” by pretending to be someone she wasn’t, and now switching personas is almost second nature, unless it’s switching back to her feminine, younger, and original personality “Shion.” Of course, it’s because this personality was the one that got her abused whenever she was using it, and the one that she knew she should have been strangled to death for. Under her “Shion” personality, she was taught that she was fortunate to even be allowed to breathe. And yet, she was willing to show Keiichi this vulnerability. Unfortunately, Keiichi COULDN’T have realized how important this was to Mion. However, Shion notices this and tells Mion that if she starts showing Keiichi the side of her that she wants him to see, despite how painful it may be, he’ll start seeing her for who she truly was. After that night, Shion starts despairing over Satoshi even more, and it’s becoming increasingly clear that she’s starting to project her own feelings and internalizations onto this idea of Satoshi even more now that he’s been gone for a year. Shion says that no one’s criticizing Mion for liking Keiichi, and while this is a fair reaction to have considering that she did feel like she was being persecuted for liking Satoshi, it also shows how she doesn’t fully trust Mion yet. It shows how she still doesn’t believe that the Sonozaki have forgiven her relationship with Satoshi.

[idk-my-aesthetic]

Spy x fam 76 spoilers!

There was so much incredible about this arc, and I want to talk about more of it, but I want to start with Nightfall

I’ll say it again I wasn’t a huge nightfall fan before this arc. I lowkey thought it’d be cute for her to develop a bit of a crush on Yor in a comedic way but besides that didn’t think too much of her

This freaking arc tho??? Oh my g-d???

1) this is just a general statement about the series as a whole but sxf truely is like. Both a love story and a spy thriller. You can’t take away the themes about love (both romantic and platonic) and family without completely compromising the story. It’s just one of the best stories I’ve ever seen with the way the creator weaves in drama and action and the SYMBOLISM. The PARALLELS. Im losing my fucking mind so-

1.1) listen. Listen. I know it sounds like I’m saying nonsense but I cannot express how IMPRESSIVE the story telling here is. Doing this so well is HARD. There’s a reason so many action movies have garbage tacked on romance plots. It takes a lot of different skills to make a good action drama vs a romantic or emotional drama. And this series just does such a good job at having an engaging world, stakes that feel genuinely scary and grounded, and characters that manage to both work as narrative tools while still feeling like real actual multidimensional people.

And that ability to have such incredibly multidimensional characters that still push the narrative is what brings me to Nightfall

2) this was the first time (at least in my opinion) nightfall became more of her own person and not just a token romantic rival to progress Loid and Yors romance. She’s starting to feel more like a real person.

One of the things about her that absolutely jumps out to me is her similarities to Yor. Her willingness to self sacrifice for the people she loves, her sheer power, and most importantly the way she views love

Yor and Fiona both view love as a strength. At the moment Twilight views it as a weakness. He also assumes that’s how the others around him view his attachments, as a form of weakness. Including Nightfall, he assumes she’s going to think him weak and she’s too flustered to correct him

I think there’s two possibilities with what will happen with Nightfall and Twilight.

A) Nightfall is going to help Twilight realize it’s okay to be in love with Yor and to love Anya (because I do think he will begin to view her as a weakness as well). It’s probably going to break her heart but we can already see how much she’s willing to sacrifice for him

(In an ideal world she’d go through a lot of character development, fall in love with Yor as well and then they’d be a throuple, but I am realistic enough to understand that’ll probably never happen and go write my own fic or smthn lol)

B) nightfall becomes a representation of the parts of himself that Loid will eventually sacrifice/turn away from in favor of his family. This is honestly what I was expecting to happen before this arc, especially cus it would be easy to do a mirroring thing with Yor and Yuri. (For the record I don’t think it would be a thing of like fully rejecting their old lives for either Loid or Yor but I also can only predict so much lol).

3) I really really hope nightfall continues to evolve. Yuri as well. As much as it is important to have rival or threat characters like them in this type of stories I feel like their characters have so much potential. But at the same time that’s one of the huge struggles with writing! It’s incredibly difficult to balance the narrative role of a character while still making them feel real. I think they’ve done and incredible job so far and I am curious where they’re going to go with it

[spectershaped]

Alrighty, I’m getting closer to the end of the Umineko part 7 manga adaptation (which I’m reading cuz a friend told me it made some things clearer)

OK now it’s become a little clearer, among other things, that Yasuda is what we’d call a system nowadays... it’s kind of super intriguing how “killer has a split personality” would be a deeply disappointing and fairly insulting cliche if the story itself hadn’t put in the work to blur the line between “having a persona that embodies the qualities you aspire to have” and “having headmates as a way of navigating a rather lonely and fraught life”

Genji also really shines quite a bit in part 7 honestly, even if he did kind of instigate this whole business. Having him be wary of Kinzo’s uhhh incestuous fixations and try to get Yasuda out of that whole business at least to some extent showcases a nice side of him that’s not just dutiful in a way that paradoxically feels like an abdication of responsibility, but rather as someone who is keenly aware of and distasteful towards his boss’s (more so than usual) repugnant aspects. Also the moment where he chides one of the ‘nons not for losing their keys but for blaming someone else before even seeing if their own nose is clean is just very charming

Yasuda’s motivations for the whole shebang are still a bit unclear to me because the motives of “the Shannon self is upset at Battler for not even remembering his promise he made so lackadaisically” and “the Beato self ends up fully embracing her role as the witch of Kinzo’s epitaph riddle after discovering Yasuda’s parentage and surrendering to fate” don’t quite seem to touch each other - which I think is what the two Beatos in part 6 were meant to symbolize? And also Beato is embracing that constructed persona but displaying a vastly different disposition when she meets the family in the Ange+Eva timeline? Maybe part 8 is gonna make that a little clearer, but it did bum me out a bit that I felt like I was supposed to understand Beato’s heart alongside Willard but didn’t quite get it :c

(In a way, it’s so funny when you zoom out and realize Yasuda is in this bananas love triangle where they love three different people who are cousins to each other and one of Yasuda’s crushes is basically displaced from an alter/persona into a different one)

[foolishboydreaming]

Falling

I like M because I know myself

I don't like people

at least not easily

I usually find flaws in people, or issues, or even weird aspects of people

that doesn't mean i don't like people as friends or family or acquaintces

like I can feel attraction to certain people (usually people who don't fit a specific beauty standard)

but thats a physical attraction, not an emotional one

a person's imperfections or personality quirks either become beautiful to me or prevent me from falling in love with people

I liked B for the person that I thought she was, as I can see now, the person that she played into being for me (or even for herself attempting to be like me)

I loved B because she attempted to be that person for me, but I now know she did that because she was afraid of losing me. But she miscalculated because I loved her for who she was, for being someone who was not confident, but not willing to change for other people, for knowing who they were and what they wanted

I now know that this person was probably just what I saw of B as she was leaving her ex relationship before me, the person she became was a geninuely good person, but it wasn't her even if she thought it was herself. She absorbed those part of me that she wanted to reflect, the parts of me that I enjoy and love.

It played into a narcissist part of myself, especially because she realized I didn't want her to be an extension of myself but a balance of myself, so she tried to be her own person but whether insecurity, depression or just not able to she couldn't

not for me and never for herself

so she began copying and absorbing other people and their images and way of being

and it grew me to dislike her, because I could see the illusion fade away and realize the manipulation that had been done, to me and to the people around her

I didn't start feeling distant from her because she no longer tried to be like me, but because I realized she stopped being like herself, something I had realized our last year of college and pushed her to be

to stop taking my lead, to stop being a version of me, but to take what lessons I did teach her and to come to her own conclusions of them

so that I could learn from her growth into a fully realized person and grow myself

and she was so scared of learning what she was alone without a reflection she ran and found comfort in my friends

and you know the rest

with D, she was her own individual and was definitely a lovely, smart and good person

but she is still trapped in the cage of conformity, she still has a chain around her of expectations of what it means to be a women to a man, of is expected of her, of the image of a woman who is quiet, petite, a status symbol and a object to whom love is only shown through items and simplistic childish atheistic of love

she valued the idea of love more than being in love

she felt that love, desire, attraction, interest, competition, companionship, and friendship were separate things

that love and desire were compatible but separate

it was that catholic guilt of viewing sex as an inherently different version of love than say actual love

she had the mindset of a child in love instead of a women, and that childness kinda expanded to everything because she is very sheltered and because I think the world always treated her like a child cause of how she was and looks

this is where the whole savior, caretaker, daddy shit played a role which at first is okay but its not the role or the place I want to be in with someone, especially someone older than me

I also realized that I think I liked D because at the time, her grief was something I recognized in myself, a grief of loss and a pain that I carried of being alone, lost and unsure of who they are without this important figure in their lives

for her it was her father, and for me B

however, her grief was a comfort for her, a way to retain some level of security or connection to her father

I don't judge it because I can't speak to it, I don't know what its like losing a parent, especially someone who was an actual full parent

but it felt like she was scared of growing too fast that doing so meant losing the connection to her grief, that being too happy meant losing that closeness

according to her I taught her to actually speak her opinions, to use her voice, and to go out more instead of being comfortable letting others choose and speak for her

but I don't want to teach my partner those lessons, I want to teach my daughter these things

her grief was a comfort, my grief that that relationship felt like it pushed out of me was a source of pain, something I wanted to rid myself of

to overcome and be better for it

it brought out the parts of me that are sad, depressed, insecure and ashamed

and I hate those parts of myself

so while I think D is a good person and someone who will be an amazing individual one day

Its not the person that will bring the best out of me and will burn me someday

she broke up with me because she saw I wanted to grow further, to overcome myself and the systems around me

I've also met strong and independent women, but while at first I did like them, usually I came to see that strength as a mask for insecurities, or because they had to prove something to everyone

thats not a bad thing, but I seek strength not of confidence or independence or ego or confidence

I just seek someone who is willing to see the world and be themselves

because thats what I have tried to be my whole life

and it is something I have forgotten in my grief

its not ego and its not confidence, its just the strength to admit when you are wrong, and the strength to stand with a spine when you know you are right

when the world tells you that you are suppose to be one thing or act one way and to tell it you prefer to be yourself

not to spite the world

but because to change the world, you must first fight it and beat the person the world has imposed on you

I don't want a copy I don't want a reflection I don't want someone who is my lesser or an equal in all ways I want someone who is equal to me not because of the same strengths we share, but because we source our strength from the same places and expressed them in ways unique to us I see that in M because she is beyond anything, beyond beauty, beyond strong, beyond caring, beyond real

she is she, nothing less nothing more

she is M and that is all I would ever want her to be I remember talking to my therapists about this and thinking they would be giving me a stern talking to because I've been doing some of that exploring while checking out of my relationship with D and they've told me I put too much emphasis on the wants and the needs of those I care for, but its just that I care for them, but do I love them, and even more so do I love myself when I do these things for them but when I was telling them about M, when I kinda said what I already did, they told me it was the first time I had ever talked not just about someone else but also about what that person brought out of me that I talked just as much about them as I did about myself and the ways I was myself again

that I am proud to be loud, to be passionate, to laugh, and to proudly be awkward

and that I do those things not for her, not for anyone other than for myself because it is who I am when I am happy and who I am when I want to face the world

M is not my reflection, she not my mirror, she not the other side of the same coin, she isn't some copy or some extension, she not a simulacrum of myself or anyone, she isn't' my equal, she isn't my lesser, she isn't my greater

somewhere on her path of life, her logic, her emotion, her background, something somewhere aligns with me and can trace a similarity

but thats all, the same view, the same lenses of perception, but different perspective

a balance not of chilling or diminishing one for the other, but a balancing that expands both