#sweats/// look i got carried away too. [/puts a small text block on display] in a sense

[the-l-spacer]

Summary: Lloyd Allen is sick and alone at his house. This is unacceptable.

Written for Day 7 of Shaperaverse week, for the prompt ‘Family, Home’ - and is a continuation of the theatre kids au in chapter 1! I had a blast writing for this event. Thank you for reading!!

- 

Lloyd Allen is sick. Like, sick sick. Not the sort where he gets a runny nose and maybe a hoarse throat that clears up in a day.

No, this is the everything-at-once, Chernobyl-nuclear-fucking-meltdown-anthropomorphised kind of sick. He’s hot (and not in the good way that, as Kelis once put it, brings all the boys to the yard). His throat feels like someone attempted to make him swallow hot control rods (to continue the Chernobyl metaphor). About every facial orifice is leaking steadily. Looking at himself in the mirror is an experience akin to staring at the Elephant’s Foot.

To put it sparingly, he feels like shit.

And, he laments, lying on his side on the living room couch, today is the absolute worst day to fall sick.

Through half open eyes, he gazes at the clock hung on the wall, — an old-fashioned thing circled with Roman numerals, because everything about his dad is old fashioned, a trait that passed from father to son — ticking steadily to 10am, when rehearsal is slated to start.

He briefly considers pushing himself off the couch, wrapping himself in a warm coat, and going anyways. After all, they’re just starting to rehearse Janissary in earnest, having almost memorized the scripts and choreography and blocking, and it physically pains him to be absent just when the real work is about to begin.

On the other hand, he can’t have the entire cast be bedridden because of him.

Mulling over his choices, he doesn’t remember when exactly he blacked out, only to be woken up again by the vibrating of his phone on the floor next to him.

Groaning, he reaches out his hand to answer it, and the very action feels like moving through slow, thick honey. He manages, but by the time he brings the phone to his face, the call ends.

The too-bright display tells him he missed a call from Asha.

A slight smile crosses his face. Of course she’d be the first to call him.

He dials back, and she picks up right away. “Lloyd?” Her voice is high and hurried. “Thank goodness you picked up. Me and the others are so worried. Are you all right?”

Try to sound like nothing’s wrong. “I’m fi-achOO!”

Well, so much for that.

“Oh Lloyd, you’re sick?”

“That- that much is obvious, Asha.” He forces the words out through a stuck throat, and is too busy cringing as sneeze-gunk runs down his face (gross) to regret his curt tone.

She sucks in a breath. “Sorry, sorry, god I’m such an asshole. Is it a fever?”

He wants to tell her that the asshole is him, that she shouldn’t waste her breath on someone as ungrateful as he, but all he manages is a short, “Yeah.”

“And from the sound of it, a sore throat and a stuffy nose as well. Do you have a glass of water somewhere nearby? Do you feel well enough to see the doctor?”

“No, and… no.”

“Lloyd- “

“Sorry.”

“- stop- stop hating yourself for one second. I was going to say I can come over right now, if you want me to.”

That’s enough to snap him awake. “NO!” He pauses, wiping his nose. “No. Continue rehearsing, take over for me. I want everyone’s lines fully memorized by next week.”

Now it’s Asha’s turn to be the naysayer of the conversation. He listens, with some grim satisfaction, as she splutters on the phone. “M-me? You want me to be- bu-“

“I’m sick, remember?” He coughs once, for emphasis. “You have to do what I say.”

“Alright, alright. I’ll do my best, and I’ll let the others know you can’t make it. In the meantime, you’re sure you’re okay?”

“Yyyyes?”

“And you’re sure you’re getting enough water? Did you take a panadol? I could get some soup delivered to you-“

The rest of the conversation passes in a blurry haze. He vaguely remembers telling Asha to very much not waste precious rehearsal time by ordering food for him, and was it a fever-induced hallucination, or did he tell David to take over as narrator? Did he comfort the fraught third year until he no longer could, Asha finally stepping in to tell him to rest?

Well that he can certainly do. As Asha says something about sleeping in a cold place, he is already drifting off on the couch. He watches the (decidedly not cold) living room’s ceiling fan turn lazy circles, he murmurs a half-conscious ‘I love you’ to Asha, and he finally surrenders to unconsciousness.

- 

Knock knock.

Knock knock knock.

“Lloyd? Are you there?”

What….

Lloyd stirs, and immediately regrets doing so. His hair sticks to the nape of his neck, and a layer of awful post-nap sweat coats his skin. Yet, despite the warm, stuffy air, he’s shivering, curling into himself, trying to figure out if the knocks on the door are figments of his fevered imagination.

“I think he’s still asleep.” The voices he hears are muffled, but definitely there. Is that David?

“Nothing else for it, we gotta pick the lock. I can use my hairpin.”

“Jill, NO!” His ears pick up Asha’s shrill soprano.

Michael’s telltale drawl comes next. “Doesn’t Lloyd keep a key outside the house somewhere? Was it the doormat, or the flowerpot…”

Lloyd’s eyes drift closed once again, until…

“LLOYD!!!” Two blurs bound toward him, but are quickly yanked back.

“Don’t crowd him! He’s way too warm as is.”

Lloyd rasps, “Asha... ? And Jill and Michael a.. And David? What are you all doing here?”

He feels himself being lifted, bridal style, and pressed against a sturdy chest, can feel the vibrations as Michael speaks. “We’re here’ta take care of our favourite stage manager, of course!”

“But.. you.. Rehearsals?”

“Done and dusted,” David says, hovering behind Michael as he carries Lloyd into the bedroom, depositing him gently on his soft mattress. “It went… not terribly, if that’s what you’re wondering.”

“Pfft, Davey here’s bein’ waaay too modest. As you predicted, he makes a pre-tty awesome narrator.”

David opens his mouth to protest, but Michael shushes him. “Go, set up the Switch so our boy Lloyd has somethin’ to entertain himself with once he’s feelin’ better.”

The obliging theatre techie in David wins out over his self-deprecating side, and he obediently trots off, leaving Michael in the room with a rather overwhelmed Lloyd.

“Don’t lie,” Lloyd begins, “was he really…”

“Yes.” Michael fishes out a thermometer from his backpack and takes Lloyd’s temperature. “Woof, 38 degrees. You’re burnin’ up. Aaanyways, David’s a little nervous, sure, I’ll let Asha fill you in on all the specific details, but he’s got potential. A loootta potential.”

Lloyd lets out a breath. “Good.”

“Now less talkin’, more tryna’ get better soon, yeah?”

“Yeah.” Lloyd gives a small nod.

The other boy pats his arm, and leaves Lloyd, giving room for Jill to breeze in, pushing cups of honey lemon and hot herbal tea and instructing him to drink, opening the windows to let the cool spring air in, and twining small flowers around his shelves and bedposts, before finally pulling his rolling study chair over to his bedside.

“Asha’s in overdrive,” she says conspiratorially, “been freaking out ever since the call. She tried to hide it, obviously, but we could tell. She’s, like, super worried about you, so real talk. Are you okay?”

The chamomile tea warms his throat as he drinks, and he finds his voice flowing freer than before. “I’m all right, really. Some irresponsible delinquent in my lit class came in with a flu, which no doubt passed on to me.”

“But you’ve never been sick before, at least, you haven’t been like the entire time we’ve known you!”

“When my immune system is down, it’s down, I suppose.”

Jill’s face pulls in a sympathetic pout. “Oof, that’s rough. Least it’s not anything serious. If it was something serious, you’d tell us, right?”

Lloyd must have paused too long, because Jill leans forward with sudden seriousness, necklaces adorned with tiny silver trinkets dangling in front of his face. “We care about you. I know Michael and I like to give you grief, but we really do. We’ve been friends for years now, and if something happened, it’d be like I lost my- my brother or something!”

His face heats. “Jill… I... of course. Of course I’d tell you. I care for you all greatly as well, even if I don’t show it.” His hand finds Jill’s. “Thank you, for saying that.”

She gives his hand a squeeze. “Just saying what we’re all thinking. I’m gonna go play Smash with Michael and David. You,” she stands up, tapping his shoulder lightly, “rest.”

“I will.”

She leaves Lloyd, a little confused at the interaction, though all that falls away when Asha enters the room, a bowl of hot ginseng chicken broth in hand.

“I’m sorry for being so curt on the phone, just now,” he blurts out.

Asha waves his apology off. “Water under the bridge. Eat up.”

Time passes, Lloyd savouring spoonfuls of soup as Asha sponges him with cold water, giving him a play-by-play of their rehearsal. The details remain hazy in his mind, though Lloyd does chuckle when his friend tells him of David forgetting he was so far downstage that he almost missed his cue and fell right off the raised platform, saved only when Michael yanked him backwards.

“That.. certainly explains why his shirt is hanging off of him a little looser than before.” Lloyd remarks.

Asha sweeps the finished bowl of soup from his grasp, replacing it with a glass of water and a Panadol. “Interesting that even with a fever, you notice how David’s shirt fits on him.”

It’s lucky that Lloyd only has the glass raised to his lips, else he would have done a spit-take. “Wh- what?!?? Who said anything about me staring at David’s shirt?! It’s just a- a casual observation, anyone would notice it!”

Asha grins. “Naturally, naturally.”

“What does that mean?!”

“Nothing!” She says breezily.

Lloyd stares at Asha, currently sending a text on her phone to someone. From the living room outside, he hears Jill snort.

Ordinarily, he would press, but as is, his information-overloaded brain begins to shut down once again.

“Sure,” he says finally.

Asha looks at him with surprise. “That it? You’re letting me off that easy?”

“ ‘m tired,” he simply says, sinking lower into his sheets. “I’ll ask again if I remember.”

Asha busies herself switching on the AC, drawing the curtains so they don’t let in the late afternoon sun. “Sleep, and properly this time, okay? We’ll be waiting outside for you once you wake up.”

“M’kay.” His eyes are already half-closed, watching Asha hover in the doorway.

“I love you, Lloyd.”

I really did say that on the phone, huh. 

Nothing else for it, then. “Love you too.”

- 

When Lloyd wakes, his senses come alive one at a time. He feels better than he did in the morning, the medicine doing its work so he’s no longer covered in a cold sweat. His nose is no longer stuffy, and the room’s cool air is permeated with the faint scent of chrysanthemum.

He sits up. It’s properly dark, now, and he can hear faint voices outside.

Gingerly, Lloyd pads out of his room, peeks around the entrance to the living room, and sees his friends, crammed together on the couch, whisper-screaming as Princess Peach beat the shit out of Link on the TV screen.

It’s hard to tell who it was who notices him standing in the shadows first, but it’s David who says, “Guys, Lloyd’s up!”, followed by a responding chorus of cheers from his friends.

His friends.

Is it his fever, or is the warmth he feels rushing through him as they make room on the couch coming from someplace else entirely?

Is him resting his head on David’s shoulder a result of fatigue, or… something else?

And is David tilting his head so it rests on his in turn coming from the same place too?

Later, they sit at the kitchen table, eating soupy noodles ordered in by Michael, and Lloyd wonders if it's the hunger from his previously light meals, or if the food, eaten as he sits surrounded by his friends, is the best he’s ever had?

Is it the thinking of his sickness-muddled mind, or is his house, filled with inane chatter and loud, boisterous laughter, so unlike the cold, quiet days spent with his father, more like a home to him than it ever was before?

And is it his imagination, or is this small group of theatre nerds truly his family? Family he never had, family that disappeared when his mother left?

Even after his father does return, frowning at the mess and noise, and his friends sheepishly clear the takeout boxes and unplug the switch and wash the dirty plates and cups, finally bidding him forlorn goodbyes and get-well-soons, the thoughts don’t go away.

Lloyd pops another pill and heads back to bed, sending a short ‘thank you’ in the main cast and crew group chat, switching off his phone as he sees the wall of responding texts and stickers flooding in.

He settles his sheets back around him, catches sight of evidence that the afternoon and evening truly happened - flowers adding a splash of colour to the space, a scribbled ‘gws’ post-it from David on his bedside table.

Lloyd Allen goes back to sleep with a small smile. After all, the sooner he gets better, the sooner he can return to the theatre. The sooner he can see his family. The sooner he can come home.

[verai-marcel]

The Light That You Shine (RDR2 Fanfic, John Marston x F!Reader, Chapter 2 of 6, 18+)

Tags, Warnings, & Notes in Chapter 1.

AO3 Link is here.

Chapter 2 - Love Blooms

Word Count: 2333

You lugged the last bucket of fresh flowers off the delivery truck, placing it with the others at the back of the shop. Wiping the sweat off your forehead with the back of your gardening glove, you walked back to the truck to say goodbye to the driver. 

"See you tonight, Uncle George! Thanks for the help!" 

"No problem, sweetpea. Maddie is making lasagna tonight to celebrate."

You squealed with delight and waved goodbye as he drove back to the nursery that he and your aunt owned. As you walked back to the shop, you reminisced on the road that life had taken you. 

You grew up with plants, knew how to take care of just about anything that grew from the land. When you were in ninth grade, you decided that you wanted to open up a flower shop, and while your parents wanted you to go to college, you were stubborn. Reading about starting your own business and working your summers at the nursery, you finally convinced them to let you follow your dream. 

But on the day you graduated from high school, when you should have been walking across a stage to accept your diploma, you were instead in an ER waiting room, being told, in no uncertain terms, that your parents did not survive the car crash.

Two years later, the pain was still fresh. But they had taught you to live your life by moving forward and doing your best, to love the world, and to see the good in everything, even when things were down. 

So you moved on with your life, determined to not let your sadness get you down. After all, you knew that they'd want to see you thrive.

But some nights were worse than others.

Your parents had willed you everything, and with those funds, you rented a live-work unit with a small shop downstairs and a studio apartment above it. You were planning to put your all into your business, marketing on social media and researching floral trends to stay up to date so that you could stay ahead. 

You stayed so busy preparing to open your shop, in fact, that you didn't have time to be sad. No time to think meant no time to be depressed. 

It helped that Aunt Madeline, or Aunt Maddie as you usually called her, and Uncle George immediately came over after the accident and helped you sort everything out, from supporting you emotionally to aiding you in figuring out the estate sale and everything else in between. If not for them, you would have been in a far worse place, mentally, financially, and physically. You had been living with them two towns over until yesterday, when you finally finished moving everything over to your new place. It had taken a week of steadily packing and moving and unpacking your things, but you were done with that part. 

Now for the exciting task. 

You looked around the empty shop, seeing in your mind's eye where your displays were going to go, what colors you were going to make the walls, where your work table would be set up, everything. 

Stretching your arms above your head, you put your headphones on and got to work. 

***

John loved the open road. Driving between towns where there was almost nothing but farmland and blue skies, he felt free. Glancing at his mirror, he saw Arthur following him on his Indian Scout, a content look on his face.

He must be enjoyin’ himself, he thought as he revved his engine and took the highway exit. It had been a long time since he had passed through this small town. He wondered if one of his favorite fast food places was still around.

Arthur followed, giving him a ‘what the hell’ look as he pulled up next to him at the stop light.

“Felt like lookin’, s’all!” John yelled.

“You wanted a damn burger, more like!”

“You don’t have to come!”

“I ain’t missin’ Buffalo Joe’s!”

The light turned green and they sped off.

***

You were in the middle of washing your store windows when two men came walking up to you, looking confused.

“Can I help you with something?” you asked kindly, though their tough exteriors put you slightly on guard. Can’t judge by how they look, you reminded yourself.

One of the men had on a cowboy hat and five o’clock shadow, with eyes the color of an atoll island. He looked at the other man, with his leather jacket and torn jeans, looking like he stepped out of an 80s music video. His shoulder length dark brown hair looked thick and luxurious, and his warm grey eyes looked around before they came to rest on you.

“Uh, excuse me, miss, but was there a burger place called Buffalo Joe’s around here?”

You blinked. His voice was like electricity running through your body; you hadn’t expected that reaction and had to pause a moment before replying. “Sorry, that place closed a year ago,” you said. “It was here though.”

The man cursed.

“John!” the other man mumbled angrily.

John looked back at you, his eyes softening. “I’m sorry, just…”

“Miss the place?” you offered with a smile.

“Yeah,” he said.

“Well, the owners opened up a new restaurant two blocks down the road called Triple Patty’s. Same burgers, but dressed up a bit.”

He lit up at the news, and his smile immediately charmed you. Despite his rough get-up, he suddenly looked younger and more innocent. “Thanks for the tip.” He turned to his friend. “C’mon Arthur, you can buy me a burger.”

Arthur snorted. “You ain’t pretty enough for chicken nuggets, let alone a burger.”

You laughed at John’s offended expression. “Have fun, you two.”

John waved at you, shooting you a cheeky grin as he left with Arthur, and you found your eyes following the shape of his back as he walked away.

***

“Hey. Earth to John.”

“Huh? What do you want?”

“You been spacing out since we got here, you still thinkin’ about Dutch?”

“What? No. Can’t do nothin’ about him.”

“Then… oh. I see. I see what’s goin’ on here.”

John put down his burger and glared at Arthur. “And what exactly is goin’ on?”

“The girl.”

He picked his burger up and took a couple more bites before speaking again. “What about her?”

“You wanna talk to her again."

John's shrug was anything but nonchalant. "She was cute. Who wouldn't want to talk to her?" 

Arthur's chuckle was equal parts teasing and sympathetic. "Go talk to her. I'll meet you back at the club."

John blinked, surprised. Then he narrowed his eyes. "What's the catch?" 

"Can't I do anything nice for you without arousin' suspicion?" 

"No," John answered flatly. He finished his burger, glaring at Arthur. 

Arthur laughed. "Go on, get goin' before you miss her."

John gave him one final glare before he took off without a look back.

Arthur waved down a waitress and paid the bill. As he left the restaurant and walked back to his motorcycle, he looked in the direction that John was headed.

“Good luck, kid.” 

***

You were carrying a large box when you heard a voice from outside the shop. You set the box down on the back counter and turned around. 

John waved, a sheepish grin on his face. 

Coming back to the entrance, you opened the door. "Hi!" you said cheerfully. "Did you want a different restaurant?"

"Ah, no, that place was great! I just wanted to thank you again…" He trailed off as his eyes took in the disaster zone that was your shop in progress. "You, uh, need a hand with anything?" 

"Oh, no, I got this," you immediately replied, not wanting to trouble a complete stranger with some of the hard labor that you had planned. 

"Please," he said, stepping closer. His earnest expression tugged at your heart, and you found yourself unable to tell him no again. 

"Well, if you insist, then could you help me carry a couple of boxes from my car?"

***

Somehow three hours passed before you knew it, and as John helped you move the last display case into place, you noticed the sun was setting. 

"Oh my god, I didn't realize how late it was!" You turned to him, about to ask him something when you caught him stretching, his arms pulling at the tight shirt, showing his muscles bulging. A bead of sweat glided down his neck, and you suddenly had a strong urge to lick it. Then he turned to you, and you discovered that his eyes were a unique mix of grey and hazel; caught in the beauty of them, you were stunned to silence.

“What?”

You quickly pulled yourself back to reality. "Uh, I really appreciate all your help today. Can I buy you dinner?"

"I was about to ask you the same thing," he said with a wry grin. "You beat me to it."

You laughed, utterly charmed by him. "So I win?”

“I guess so.” He came closer to you. Your heart started to beat faster as you realized that he really was a very attractive man. “How about I buy you dinner first, then you can buy me one. Don’t feel right getting two meals in a row.”

You grinned. What a sly fox, getting you to agree to two dates at the same time.

Wait, was he asking you out on a date?

You froze. You hadn’t had much time to date, not since your life had changed so drastically two years ago. And even in high school, your ‘dates’ were just going to the movies with a boy and then going home right afterwards. You looked at John, his poise full of self-assuredness, as if he walked through life knowing his place in the world, and wondered for a split second what it would be like to get close to a man like this.

You were so deep in your own mind that you hadn’t noticed when he had taken a few more steps closer to you. Now he was within arm’s reach of you. He called your name out softly, his eyes focused on you.

“I, uh, yes. Two dates. I mean dinners. Two dinners. Sounds good to me,” you stammered.

He smiled knowingly at you; he had heard your faux pas and had commited your words to memory. “Great, glad to hear it.”

***

You gave John one of your newly printed business cards, too excited about the fact that you had business cards to worry about how silly of an act it was. But he took the card and drew a heart on the back of it as he wrote down your personal phone number. After adding your number to his phone and texting you so you had his number as well, the two of you planned for a dinner date the next night, and he took off. As you watched him ride away, you wondered if you were wise in following your gut rather than your logic. 

Locking up your shop, you got in your car and drove to your aunt & uncle’s house, looking forward to Aunt Maddie’s lasagna for dinner.

***

You spent the next day working on the orders that had already been placed, mostly by friends and relatives who wanted to support your business. You were grateful for their support and worked diligently, mulling over your designs again and again, agonizing over every choice. It was their orders that you were going to use to start your social media accounts to advertise, so you wanted to make sure they were absolutely perfect.

You were so wrapped up in your work that you didn’t notice how fast time had flown.

“Hey,” John said casually as he walked through the double glass doors.

You poked your head up past the half wall that separated your work area at the back of the shop from the retail area. You saw him looking quite cleaned up, dressed in a dark green button up short sleeve shirt, which he wore open over a plain white shirt, with faded blue jeans.

And you promptly panicked.

“Oh my god, I forgot the time, I’m so sorry!” You started to clean up your tools, but when you looked back at the bouquet you were working on, you started wondering if you should’ve added that tiger lily or not.

“Are you in the middle of work?” he asked, coming closer. He looked at your bouquet and tilted his head.

“What do you think?” you asked.

“Looks a little too orange,” he said bluntly.

You looked back at the bouquet. He was right. You took out the tiger lily, setting it aside. 

“You didn’t have to change it,” he said as you turned the bouquet on its lazy susan, observing it from all angles.

“No, you were right, it seemed a little too warm. Needs some cooler colors to balance it.” You grabbed some bellflowers and added them around the edges instead. “Perfect.” Turning to him, you smiled, happy with your work. “Thanks!”

John smiled and looked down at his feet. “You’re welcome,” he mumbled. He looked up again. “Shall we go, my lady?”

You laughed. “Wow, a gentleman.” You looked down at yourself; you were wearing a dumpy black T-shirt with a pair of bright purple denim shorts, all under your florist apron.

“Um, can you give me some time to shower and get dressed?”

John leaned in and sniffed your neck. “You smell like flowers. And you look good.” He pulled back, unaware of the effect his action and his comments were having on your heart. “But if you want to, I’ll wait.”

You looked at the clock that you had hung on the back wall. You looked back at John, who was looking at you like he wouldn’t care if you were wearing a potato sack, he would have still said the same thing. 

“Nah, fuck it, let’s go.”

-------------------

Chapter 3

[lady-charinette]

Dinner for Two Chapter 7

A/N: Finally found inspiration to continue! Main account on FanFiction.Net (ScarletRedfox)

Enjoy!

Meowting

Previously on “Dinner for Two”…

He rubbed his arm and smiled behind the curtain of his hair, “Thank you,” Marinette beamed and took out of her notebook to look over the final draft, “By the way, how was your break?”

 Marinette remembered the conversation she had with Chat Noir and all the little things she had learned about him today and smiled warmly, “It was…purrty nice,”

 Nathaniel rose an eyebrow at her odd word choice but didn’t question it further, immediately getting back to work instead.

 It was finished.

 They were done!

 Marinette jumped up from her swiveling chair, tripping over an innocently laying piece of stray fabric on the floor, taking with her pencils and scrunched up paper balls of dismissed clothing drafts.

 It woke up Nathaniel too, who was hunched over his work table, a piece of paper sticking to the side of his cheek and his hair a mess, or more so than usually.

He immediately scrambled to get up, removing the piece of paper from his face and rushing toward Marinette, who rubbed her knee from colliding with the floor, “Owww….I just woke up too,” she whined, sighing at her own clumsiness.

 Nathaniel smiled, grabbing her arm and helping her stand, before kneeling down to collect the scattered pencils and papers, nearly bumping heads with Marinette, who did the same, “At least we got the dress finished,” he smiled, thinking back on the incident they had last night.

 Shipment companies didn’t open for business until eight o’clock, thankfully Nathaniel had a friend from school working there, who had a favor to return and was willing to get up at four in the morning to get the dress to the model’s address, which was quite a few blocks away.

Once they organized everything, Marinette grinned up at Nathaniel, “We’re done!” she threw her arms up in the air with a big grin.

Nathaniel’s eyes livened up, usually shy expression lightening up in happiness, “We’re done!” he echoed her cheer, both adults throwing their arms around one another in joy and laughing at their successful job done.

They were only seconds into the impromptu hug, seconds it took Nathaniel to become acutely aware of Marinette’s smaller body pressed to his own, nearly perfectly, like two puzzle pieces, her softer curves fitting into his harder edges.

His mind was swimming and he felt lightly lightheaded, “Keep it cool, Nathaniel. It’s just a hug, you’ve hugged girls before. Granted, they were relatives or colleagues from work, but they were women nonetheless. You’ve got this,” he heard Marinette squealing in delight and she hugged him tighter, “You don’t got this, you don’t got this, plan B! Plan B! PLAN B!” standing frozen there with Marinette in his arms, cheering obliviously to his mental panic attack, he tried to think of something to do or say.

“I-It’s really great tt-that we managed it right?” he grinned nervously, thankful for the cover her hair gave to hide his face in.

 Bad idea.

 She smelled of baked goods, of the light, subtle perfume she wore, of Marinette.

 He was getting lightheaded again.

 Marinette brought him back to reality with her angelic voice, “We sure did Nath! We should celebrate!” finally, or not, Marinette slowly broke away, beaming up at him in happiness.

 Nathaniel quickly grinned back, scratching at the back of his neck, pulling tightly on the small hairs at the nape of his neck to reel in his chaotic emotions, “R-right!” he squeaked out, punching his chest as if to clear his throat.

 Marinette smiled, resting her hands on his shoulders, “But I really couldn’t have done it without you Nath, without your continuous support and professional help, I never would have gotten all these projects finished in time, so thank you for always being there for me,” she leaned up on her tip toes, how cute, and her soft lips pressed against his cheek in a short, sweet kiss.

 Nathaniel’s brain short circuited.

 “Reboot! Reboot! Reboot!” he still felt her hands on his shoulders, the warmth they emanated, and they squeezed him, “RESPAWN! RESPAWN! RESPAW-“

 “Hey you guys! Are we interrupting?” Nathaniel’s whole body froze and Marinette’s hands fell away from his shoulders, his mind slowly clinging onto the last shred of his sanity to bring him back to the present.

“Not at all! Glad you guys made it!” Marinette beamed at them.

Wait, he knew that voice…

 He turned around and saw none other than Rose and Juleka, Rose as always on Juleka’s arm, the two women smiling at them, particularly eyeing him with a strange expression on their faces.

 He was sure his face was the same color as his hair. Marinette rushed toward them and grasped their hands, “We finished the dress! We sent it for delivery in the morning, the model should have already gotten them and tried it on! Oh, isn’t that great?!” while Rose and Juleka genuinely were excited, since it was their project too, their eyes discreetly traveled to the flustered man in the back, who looked like he would faint from either lack of air or a heart attack if the redness of his face and his wide blown eyes were any indication.

 The fact that they had been hugging before Rose had spoken up gave them a clue as to why their long- time friend looked like he would fall into cardiac arrest and Marinette’s giddy state.

 Juleka shared a look with Rose until the dark-haired woman wrapped an arm around her superior and friend and led her toward the small kitchenette at the back, “Why don’t we celebrate with a glass of coffee? I bet you guys must have worked until late in the night, you will need the boost,” Marinette smiled appreciatively at her friend, telling her all about the frustration and panic she felt for not making it to the due date or messing up the design or finishing touches.

 Rose sneaked up on Nathaniel and rested a hand on his shoulder, causing him to look down at her, a hue of redness still on his cheeks. Rose’s blue eyes looked up into his own lighter blue ones, “Cheer up! Don’t give up,” she smiled encouragingly up at her friend since school, patting his shoulder one more time before she moved to join the others in the kitchenette.

 Nathaniel sighed, shoulders slumped in defeat, “Maybe Rose is right, maybe I shouldn’t give up, not until I at least before I try to act,” he frowned, noticing his lack of efforts in pursuing Marinette, “If only I can be like SuperNathan and be more brave…” he shook his head, running a hand through his hair before grabbing his empty mug from his work desk and following the scent of coffee from the kitchen.

 Nathaniel packed his bag, spotting his half full coffee canister on his desk before grabbing it and making a beeline for the door, “Shoot, I’ll be late,” he checked his watch, annoyed at himself.

 He still had twenty minutes, he should be fine with a power walk.

 Suddenly, Marinette’s voice caused him to freeze on the spot, and he wondered if that effect would ever go away someday, “Wait! I need to go too!” he watched her frantically grab for the sketchbook at her desk before racing towards him. They both hastily waved to Juleka and Rose before exiting the studio.

 Nathaniel rose an eyebrow, “Wait, you have lectures today?” he didn’t remember her having any lectures to attend today, not that he kept track of her schedule or anything…

 Marinette smiled, “I decided to go to your lecture!” she looked a bit unsure but hopeful when she looked up at him, “If that’s okay, professor?”

 The way she addressed him as ‘professor’ made his heart skip a beat and he was sweating underneath his dress shirt as he tugged at his collar, “Breathe, keep it cool, it’s Marinette, you know her, you know her, it’s alright,”

 It took him a second to realize he still didn’t answer her, “O-oh, yes, well, only if you want to of course,” he coughed into his hand. “Way to go, ‘professor’,” he frowned at himself.

 Marinette noted the frown on his face, “Um, are you sure? I don’t want to intrude or disturb your lecture,” was he angry because she would distract him? Or would his students think he would favor her because they were friends? She definitely didn’t want to make him look bad in front of his students.

 Nathaniel violently shook his head, nearly colliding with a lamp post during their brisk walk on the pavement, “What? No, no, no of course not, feel free to come to my lectures whenever you like! We always have free seats!”

 It wasn’t even an expression, art lectures always had free seats, not many people could be found with the talent to enroll and survive art universities, not to mention those who are good enough to make a living from creating art alone without having to get a job on the side. Still, Nathaniel counted himself under lucky stars for having not only talented, but motivated students in his courses, perhaps it was his own passion in his lectures that transferred over to them or simply the effort he put into making topics like art history interesting to keep them invested in the cause.

 Fifteen minutes.

 Nathaniel’s pace quickened and Marinette easily kept up, not wanting to arrive late either, “I can’t remember the last time I was in one of your lectures, I bet you are just as good as I remember you from last time,” she grinned innocently up at him and Nathaniel had the inkling feeling like he would need to carry a defibrillator with him at all times from now on if he wanted any chances of surviving his next heart attacks he knew would come the longer he spent time with Marinette.

 It sounded funny, even to his own ears, but she was his…cause for heart attacks? Disturbance? Health problem?

 Nathaniel scrunched his nose, that didn’t sound romantic or positive at all.

 Discreetly, making sure to hide the display from Marinette’s view, Nathaniel quickly typed in his Notes.

 “Search romantic terms for ‘heart attack cause’, ‘disease’”

 “Oh someone texting you?” Nathaniel nearly dropped his phone from the nervous sweat that began accumulating in his hand the second he heard Marinette’s voice speak.

 He pocketed his phone and quickly cleared his throat, “Ah, just wrote something down. I remembered one of my colleagues said something to me about tomorrow’s lectures…”

The only positive thing, if one could call it that, Nathaniel could name from his years of bullying in elementary all the way to his senior years of high school would be it made him a better liar. There had often been situations where white lies were the key to getting out of uncomfortable situations, so it made him an expert in that department.

 He still wasn’t sure whether or not he was proud of that fact.

 Still, he couldn’t deny it didn’t help sometimes. He looked down at Marinette, smiling, “I’m not sure if today’s topic will really peak your interest…” he scratched the back of his neck, feeling like a shy, insecure teenager all over again.

 He knew Marinette thought him to be a good professor, but he was always afraid of screwing up whenever her eyes were on him, a fact unknown to her, simply because he didn’t want to give her any sort of guilty feelings for his own insecurities.

 The dark-haired woman winked at him reassuringly and Nathaniel felt one part of his brain turn to mush, the technical part, the part he would need soon to think rationally, “Whatever it is, I’m sure it will be completely fine, I know you have a knack for making even the most boring things interesting. I bet you could talk about rocks all day and by the end of it, we would be talking about all the great statues the Greeks and Romans had made in the past and their significance in their culture and religion,” she giggled, playfully bumping her shoulder against his and Nathaniel’s heart quickened its pace.

 “Definitely need that defibrillator…and maybe a pack of calming pills or two,” he looked at the soft, encouraging smile on Marinette and took a deep breath, “…make that three,”

 He seriously questioned how he would survive the day.

Adrien banged on the door to the men’s bathroom irritably, his foot tapping against the floor, “Plagg! What in the world is taking you so long? You’ve been in there for a solid hour!”

 A disgruntled voice from the other side answered weakly, “I think the camembert I ate earlier was bad…”

 Adrien’s eye twitched, “But camembert is supposed to be bad!” the model threw his arms up in the air in frustration, “You know what? That’s it! I will contact my nutritionist and get you an appointment, he will set you straight,” Adrien took out his own, scrolling through his contacts list as he ignored Plagg’s drawled out whines.

 “Nooo Adrien, camembert is the only thing in my life, besides Tikki, that I can’t live withouuuutt. Don’t take my preciousness away from meeeee!” Adrien rolled his eyes at his friend’s dramatics, stepping away from the door the moment the man started grumbling again and not to whine at him.

 After a few short messages, the appointment was done and Adrien shouted from a few feet away toward the bathroom door, “It’s done! Your appointment starts at six on Monday!”

 “Nooooooo!” Plagg’s whines faded into the background when Adrien sneaked back into the kitchen.

 It was almost opening time, a few customers could always come a bit early to order something, he didn’t want to risk the chance of being spotted.

 He ran into Miss Cesaire, or Marlena as she insisted he called her, on his way back to the VA room. She smiled up at him and he bowed to her with a charming, genuine smile, “Good morning to you Miss Cesaire,”

 The older woman laughed and patted his shoulder kindly, looking up at him in amusement when he straightened, “Good morning to you too Adrien,” she looked behind him, raising an eyebrow, “Where did that grumpy man go? I have his cheese delivery all set for the day,”

 Adrien scratched the back of his neck, “Uh…he had some…technical problems to take care of first,” he grinned sheepishly, and Miss Cesaire got the hint when he motioned toward the general direction of the men’s bathroom.

 She rolled her eyes, “That man, I told him too much cheese is not good for his metabolism.” She briefly moved toward the stove to hand Adrien a packed box with a sweet smile, “This is for you sweetie, I know you’re all cooped up in that smelly old room, all you eat is dry food so I made a little something that I’m sure your nutritionist won’t mind you eat,” she winked at him with a motherly smile.

 Adrien’s heart warmed at the thoughtful gesture and enveloped the older woman in a brief, one armed hug, “Thank you Miss Cesair-“

 She waved her finger at him disapprovingly, “Ah, ah, ah, Marlena to you dear,” she grinned and pinched his cheek, “Ah, look at you! I bet the girls can barely keep their hands off you, can they?” she laughed, knowing his modelling career full well, she did use to cook for his father after all.

 Adrien shrugged, “Sometimes,” he perked up when he heard the door to the bathroom open, “Ugh, finally. I’d hate to go in now that, that bottomless pit has been in there, but unless I want to dry out the plants, I have no choice,” he delicately set his packed lunch on the clear metal surface before bowing again to Miss Cesaire, “Thank you again for the meal, Marlena,” he grinned boyishly and sped off in the direction towards the men’s bathroom.

 She giggled when she heard Plagg’s shout of irritation, before the man himself grumpily walked into the kitchen area, looking a bit pale, a bit worn out.

 Marlena fixed him with a smug look, “The cheese?”

 Plagg groaned, “The cheese,” despite his state, he spotted the packed lunch sitting on the cooking surface and his hands made a grab toward it, “Food-“

 Marlena slapped his fingers away, “That’s for Adrien!” she admonished with a frown, the younger man frowning in displeasure.

 Plagg hissed, “The kid has a nutritionist who takes care of him. Why don’t you cook me lunch?” he whined and Marlena rolled her eyes.

 “Because you’re an adult man who can cook something for himself,” she turned around and headed towards the fridge.

 Plagg groaned again, “But Adrien is an adult too!”

 Marlena shouted back, “But a sweet one!”

 Plagg scoffed, “…Witch,”

 “What was that?”

 Plagg coughed violently into his hand, “I-ITCH! I HAVE AN ITCH!” he scratched his back violently for emphasis and Marlena, while approaching him from wherever she went, gave him an odd, suspicious look.

 She held out a wrapped, rectangular box to him, which looked quite tall, “Here, this will keep you from killing us with your atomic litter box,”

 Plagg resisted the urge to stick his tongue out at her as he accepted the gift, “…Chee-“

 “No! Something much better,” she patted his messy black hair like a kid, “You will be begging me to make it again and never look at camembert,” she grinned playfully.

 Plagg huffed, “Doubt it,” he nodded toward the lunch, “But thanks anyway, Marlena, you may be a spitfire but you’re an angel of a spitfire,”

 The mother of three wasn’t sure if she was supposed to feel flattered or insulted by the poor attempt of a compliment from Plagg, but nevertheless she knew whatever form of praise from that man was genuine praise.

 “And you’re a lazy blob of cheese which doesn’t need to age any more to stink as much,” she smirked at his flabbergasted expression, and giggled when his mouth tried to form words but no sounds came out.

 Their banter was short lived by the arrival of Adrien, who rose an eyebrow at the silent exchange between the two, grabbing his lunch box from where he left it, “Plagg didn’t insult you again did he Marlena?”

 The chef smiled, “No, but I think I did,” she laughed on her way toward her team of chefs already waiting for her at the back, smiling when she heard Plagg spluttering to make a comeback but ultimately failing as Adrien led him away before the restaurant officially opened.

 Their trip back to the room was peaceful enough, until Adrien asked, “So, what did she say that made you look like the cat got your tongue?”

 Plagg’s expression morphed into annoyed fury, “That…that…witch!”

 It was funny, despite Plagg sometimes being rude and knowing to possess a repertoire of colorful words, he always, always used very mild terms for Marlena if she ever annoyed or angered him, the worst of which was the term ‘witch’. Farther than that he would not allow himself to go, which was more than alright with Adrien, who would either lock his cheese stash away or kick him out if that were to happen.

 Adrien chuckled, “Did she complain about your cheese breath?”

 Plagg fixed him with an annoyed look as they opened the door to their room, “I’ll take it back, you’re the witch,” Adrien laughed after closing and locking the door behind them, both going to their respective chairs and setting about to opening their food.

 It was still early, but neither Plagg nor Adrien had had the time to eat, so this was their…brunch.

 Adrien smiled at his lunch, a carefully put together meal of separated fruits, richly filled sandwiches and a small milk container with a separate plastic bowl filled with cereal next to it.

 It was a school lunch box.

 He suddenly felt like a kid again, at least the times his mother used to make him such lunchboxes and it warmed and pained his heart at the same time.

 Plagg unusually stilled on the opposite side and Adrien looked over to see what the cause of it was.

 He was as still as a statue, eyes glued to the unwrapped container sitting on his desk next to the keyboard, and curiosity got the better of Adrien as he rolled his chair over to see what was in his lunch box.

 It was divided into three parts.

 The first container had an assortment of fruits, all fresh no doubt as he knew Marlena.

 The second one had cooked vegetables with a delicious smelling sauce covering them.

 The third had an arsenal of colorful-looking pills filling the space of the box, a note stuck to the top reading, “Vitamins – eat or die”

 Adrien burst out laughing, twirling around in his swiveling chair as Plagg remained unmoving on his seat until he roared, “THAT WITCH!!”

 Needless to say, today would be a good day.

Today was a good day.

 Miraculously, they didn’t come late to the lecture, Nathaniel even had spare five minutes to prepare.

 His lecture room was filled with his regulars already, a few faces he sometimes saw here and there. The only really “new” face was Marinette’s, who, while a student herself, looked a bit out of place among his own students, not in a bad way necessarily, but different.

 Maybe it was because none of his other students had the power to give him heart attacks just by looking or smiling his way.

 She was smiling at him.

 Nathaniel swallowed and smiled back wobbly.

 She waved discreetly, and his legs nearly gave out from under him.

 “Control yourself, damn it. You’re a grown man, a professor, you have students to teach!” gathering his fragile courage, Nathaniel collected the stack of papers he had printed out the last day and handed them out to his students, trying to not get distracted by the excited look on Marinette’s face.

 “Good morning, everyone,”

 His greetings were returned, some more motivated than others and Nathaniel had to chuckle at hearing a few tired drawls among them, “Yeah, you’re not the only ones tired,” he stifled a yawn and most of his students chuckled.

 He rolled his shoulders and started up the projector, grabbing the remote to show the appropriate slides, he felt his courage returning again as he focused on the things he knew best; art. The carefully crafted courage he got from working as a professor for a few years did wonders to his daily interactions, he even managed to socialize normally with his other colleagues, despite his past social introversion.

 While he explained the details of modern art and comparing artist’s inspirations with past art like from the times of Greeks and Romans, as well as Egyptian art, his gaze caught Marinette’s, who, much to his amazement, seemed to absorb everything like a sponge and even take notes, despite not having to.

 His heart skipped a beat and he didn’t even notice he cut his own words off.

 A student of his, Alix, raised her arm, a confused look on her face, “Uh…what did you want to say professor?”

 Nathaniel blinked at her stupidly, “Huh?”

 The pink haired woman pointed at the slide, “You were saying something about the Greek statues influencing Greek culture and being implemented into other nations’ cultures through famous artists like…?”

 Nathaniel’s eyes flew open before he straightened his posture and pressed the button for the slide to continue, showing an array of pictures of old but famous artistic legends, “Uh, right, yes, thank you Alix!” he scratched the back of his head sheepishly, “Yes…artists, what I was saying…”

 His students laughed, not to chide him or scorn him, but out of amusement at his antics and Nathaniel learned long ago how to differentiate between being laughed at or when somebody laughed with you.

 He chuckled at himself, shaking his head, “I guess that extra cup of coffee didn’t sit well with me, perhaps I should switch to tea again,” he pressed the button again, the image showing a teapot, stylized with Greek influenced figures, “Oops, sorry, nothing to tea here,”

 He didn’t empathize the pun, but his students were smart, figuring out the joke and laughing genuinely at his attempt at a joke. Among the giggles and chuckles, he recognized one especially.

 It was Marinette’s.

 His cheeks darkened when he noticed she was giggling too, giving him a ‘thumbs up’ and an encouraging, friendly wink.

 Nathaniel tugged at the collar of his shirt and opened the first button to let the air cool him.

 Today would be an eventful day.

Marinette was so excited to be sitting among Nathaniel’s students, only a few recognized her, the regulars, and she tried her best not to talk while Nathaniel was explaining up front, but she couldn’t resist when Alix turned to her with a smirk and a whispered, “So, you and the professor?”

 Marinette occasionally watched Alix skate about the campus, they were acquaintances and to her knowledge, understood each-other fairly well when they talked on occasion. She also knew Alix loved to sometimes tease Nathaniel, in a purely sisterly-brotherly type of way, and she knew the question wasn’t meant to be taken too seriously.

 Still, Marinette wasn’t taking any chances, as she whispered back, “No, I just visited as a friend,” she smiled when Alix shot her a understanding, soft smile, showing she meant no ill intentions with her joking question and Marinette giggled and discreetly slipped her macaron into her hand when Nathaniel wasn’t looking, earning an appreciative glance from the pink haired woman in return.

 Being a student in Nathaniel’s lecture was like admiring art. You could see or learn things you didn’t before, despite still looking at the same picture, just with a bit more background info than before. It was amazing how much artistic knowledge Nathaniel had so much to answer even difficult questions in a heartbeat without looking at his notes once.

 Marinette knew enough professors to know years of dedication and genuine interest in the taught subject were needed to achieve such a feat and she had a broader spectrum of respect for Nathaniel’s professor side shining through the longer the lecture went.

 Marinette, in-between jotting down notes and listening to Nathaniel attentively, briefly wondered what sort of professor Chat Noir was.

 Was he the joking type to throw in puns? What subject did he teach again? Did she ask him that? She didn’t think she did. She quickly scribbled a small reminder at the corner of her page, marking it as ‘Chat’s corner’ to ask him later. Could he be the split professor? The one that had a joking, easygoing personality outside of work but was actually pretty strict during lectures? Marinette could hardly imagine Chat Noir to be very strict, but then again, all she knew was him in the stuffed toy suit.

 Marinette had to stifle a giggle with her hand at the thought, wishing he would reveal his other job to his students and that she was present when they bombarded him with questions about why in the world their high esteemed professor was playing a stuffed cat in his free time.

 More silent giggles erupted from Marinette and she desperately tried to stifle them when Nathaniel moved onto the next slide.

 Instead, she turned the next page and scribbled down into what she dubbed was her “Chat’s corner” from now on.

 Ask him about his students & subject he teaches.

 Another corner.

 His interest in subject & why he chose it.

 Soon, in tandem with her new notes on Nathaniel’s lecture, her pages’ corners were filled with “Chats corner’s”, enough to last them an entire hour worth of conversation once she went to dine again at the restaurant.

After the lecture, with Marinette waiting outside while Nathaniel talked to a group of his students for their next assignment, she absentmindedly looked at cat memes on her phone until somebody bumped into her shoulder.

 “Oh, purrdone me,” a deep voice apologized, and Marinette looked up from her phone to apologize instinctively back, despite having done nothing wrong.

 A man a head taller than her, a professor judging from the stacks of paperwork in his arms, his slightly tanned arms, arms that didn’t look like they skipped any visits to the gym, and dark leather bag at his side, his messy dark bangs were falling into stark blue eyes, mirth dancing in the blue depths at her stunned silence-

 Wait what?

Was that a-

 “-pun…”

 She couldn’t believe it.

 A cat pun no less!

 And the guy looked so smug!

 Could it…could it be…was he?

 “Miss?” he leaned down to be at eye level with her, “Cat got your tongue?” he grinned, flashing pearly whites which contrasted with his slightly tan skin tone, probably from sunbathing.

 Her brain short-circuited.

 Now the man looked slightly concerned, “Hey, miss did I-“

 Marinette finally snapped to attention, “I-I’m sorry!” she squeaked out, “I, uh, I’m sorry I thought you were a good friend of mine for a second, I-“ she smiled sheepishly until he chuckled.

 “Oh really? Maybe I am,” he winked and for a crazy second, Marinette imagined cat ears atop his head.

 Stop it!

 Marinette shook her head, “Uh, I’m sorry, I think I mistook your for…for someone?” now that she was beginning to think, Chat Noir surely wouldn’t indicate directly that it was him, since they were in a place filled with people, people he surely didn’t want to know of his identity.

 He would be discreet, maybe even act a little clueless.

 But he made cat puns and had that stupid smirk, the same smirk she imagined on Chat Noir, and he even almost fit her imaginary description to a ‘T’…

 Marinette smirked, looking at smugly at the man, “Well, my pawult, I suppose I didn’t get enough sleep, maybe a little cat nap will do,” she giggled mentally, eager to see his reaction, Chat Noir’s reaction.

 The man grinned again, obviously amused, she couldn’t believe Chat would be that amused by her use of puns, then again he did always sound excited when she used them occasionally, “Ahh, a lady of culture I see.” He briefly looked at the mass of people surrounding them, before tucking his papers beneath his arm and holding out his free hand, “I’m Erik, by the way,” he smiled down at her charmingly.

 Marinette smiled, shaking hands with him. “So, Erik was his real name?” she had expected more of a name with ‘A’ or something similar, but who was she to judge.

 She smiled kindly back up at him, “I’m Marinette, nice to meet you,”

 He grinned like a Cheshire cat, “Don’t you mean meowt you?” she giggled.

 “Right, meowt,” she smiled, feeling immensely glad to have finally found Chat Noir, the real him, in such a short time. She had only been wondering yesterday about meeting him at campus and now she actually was!

 Chat Noir- Erik- looked around again and smiled, “What do you say we go out for a cup of coffee, Marinette?” he flashed that smile again and she had to admit, it did remind her of a trickster cat a bit.

 Marinette smiled and nodded, “Sure thing, kitty,”

SUSPENSE! Hope you enjoyed it everyone! Thank you for reading! :)

[rollercoasterwrite]

THE SELFISHNESS OF OUR HEARTS - A YEAR IN THE LIFE | CHAPTER 6 - WHO WAITS FOR LOVE?

This a follow-up story to the Selfishness of Our Hearts - entirely available here

Chapter 1  Chapter 2 Chapter 3 Chapter 4 Chapter 5 Pairing : JongyuUuuuuUUUU Summary : What happened the past two years [Part 4] Genre : Romance, angst and heartbreak.

Word Count : 8 500 words ~

Jinki had been sitting in the same spot for the last fifteen minutes, just looking outside the window. The beautiful yet unusual scenery before him had him captivated, taking his mind off everything it always carried around. Gusts of wind were blowing the swirling snow all around, bringing some light to the darkness of the sky and leaving the streets empty of any human soul. They were probably all peering out of their windows, just like he was, mesmerized, distracted from their everyday life. This weather was a rare occurrence, something unheard of since ages. It was almost surreal, like a wild figment of mother nature’s imagination bestowed upon them. Jinki was grateful for such a view a few weeks into the new year. Everything was getting hidden under piles and piles of snow flakes, hiding every patch of unevenness the ground usually displayed. Outside, everything seemed perfect.

An ache in his neck brought him back to his body, his hand automatically reaching behind it to soothe the stiffness. He wasn’t even his thirties yet, but sometimes he felt like he was already an old man. Sometimes, it felt like he had lived many lives before this one and he was carrying the weight of them in his muscles and his psyche. He had wished many times for a do-over, but he hadn’t yet figured out where the restart button on life was. So he just lived with that burden, every passing day making him want to find a way out of his head. There was a limit to what writing and sleeping could do for him. And it was made even worse when he couldn’t count on these crutches. He had spent the last month restless with thoughts and emotions, unable to figure his way out of the mess he had created. He had wanted to put them all on paper to create his own path to clarity, but every time he had tried to sit down and write, he had been overwhelmed by a sense of fear and dread so strong not even a word had been able to come out of his head. He knew what was blocking him. He was scared of finding out where his mind and feelings would bring him. There was comfort to be found in not knowing, in leaving everything on pause.

He was back to square zero, right where he had left himself a little before he had moved out of the family house. He was once again hiding and reflecting, unable to move. The only thing that was clear to him was that he wasn’t going to flee far away. He was staying right there, close to the only source of happiness he had, just in case. He wasn’t naive enough to think that only because he had hit the brakes that the one he loved hadn’t continued driving down his own path, maybe even finding someone else to share it with along the way.

He was brought back to the broadcast he had listened to two nights ago. He felt a pang in his heart as he remembered how happy Jonghyun had sounded with his special co-host for the night. What made it even worse was that he knew that other guy; Jonghyun had talked about him several times before when he’d shared about his days spent on campus. They seemed to have developed a great friendship and now there was nothing to stop that friendship to grow even more.

Maybe it’s for the best… he thought as he finally moved from the windowsill he had been sitting on. He took out his phone from his pocket and went searching for the little effort he had made to keep in touch. A bitter taste filled his mouth when his eyes stopped again on his unanswered text. I hope you are doing good. Happy holidays. He knew he was wrong for sending such a generic message after what he had done, but he had just wanted to show that he still cared. Part of him had hoped that he would get an answer, even the simplest thing like a Thank you, but there had been nothing. The year had thus ended and started without any communication between them. He couldn’t lie to himself; he was miserable.

A knock on his door had him put his phone down. He was almost happy for the distraction, but part of him wanted to be left alone a while longer. Nonetheless, he walked towards the door and turned the knob. The always joyful face of his father appeared as he pulled it open. Jinki couldn’t help but smile back at him. Despite everything going on, there still was a blessing in his life. He could count on the comforting presence of his father to make things a little better.

‘’ Care to join me for supper? ‘��� the older man asked.

‘’ Of course, dad. I’m sorry I didn’t come down, I hadn’t realized what time it was, ‘’ Jinki explained, embarrassed. He always came down to eat with his father, whether it was for breakfast, lunch or supper. He appreciated every little one of these moments. He always came out of them feeling a little more at peace, even though that feeling lasted only just for a little while.

‘’ Don’t worry about it. I too got a little too distracted by the snow, ‘’ the gray-haired man admitted.

A frown graced Jinki’s face for a split second before he shook his head, laughing. He would never understand how his father always seemed to know what he was up to. ‘’ It’s quite the sight, ‘’ he noted as they made their way down the stairs leading near the dining room. Jinki felt his stomach rumble as a whiff of the food nearby reached his nostrils. One thing he had retrieved ever since he had gone back to stay in the family house was his appetite. It hadn’t been an overnight thing, but he had gradually made an effort to eat more consistently. His father’s shocked and worried expression when he had first set foot in the house had been enough motivation for him. He had realized at that moment how frail he had gotten.

‘’ Yes, we have to cherish these rare wonders the world sometimes offers us, ‘’ his father wisely put as he took seat in front of his plate filled with food.

Jinki did just the same, smiling as he nodded in agreement. ‘’ I don’t think mom and I are the only ones who have a way with words. You always say things that leave me thinking. ‘’

‘’ Well, I think your mom had a lot to do with that. After spending so many years together, there was bound to be things that we transferred to one another, ‘’ the older man remarked before digging his fork into his meal and enjoying a first bite.

Jinki smiled again, but this time, a wave of sadness filled him. A day didn’t pass without him missing his mom. She had been such a light in his life and no one else would ever be this bright in his life again.

‘’ I wish she was still with us, ‘’ he voiced despite himself. He looked down to his plate, moving the food around with his utensil, but not yet bringing it to his lips.

‘’ I think about that every day, but life doesn’t always go how we’d like it to. We can only have control over so much, ‘’ the other observed as his gaze settled on the dark expression of the younger copy of himself.

‘’ Do we actually have control over anything? ‘’ Jinki couldn’t help but question, eyes still on his food.

‘’ You always have control over something, ‘’ the older man answered. ‘’ You can always choose to live your truth, Jinki. ‘’

Jinki lifted his head at those words, brows furrowed. ‘’ What do you mean? ‘’ he inquired as he locked eyes with his father.

His father gave him a small smile. ‘’ As much as I enjoy having you here, I know you didn’t just decide to come live with your old man again just for the sake of it. You are hiding from something, aren’t you? ‘’

Jinki felt himself tense up. ‘’ I’m not hiding… I’m just… I’m just trying to figure things out… ‘’

‘’ And have you? ‘’ his father kept on.

‘’ Not really… I mean… it’s complicated, ‘’ he indicated as he grew more uneasy by the second.

‘’ Too complicated for me to understand? ‘’ the other verified.

Jinki’s eyes darted sideways, unable to bear the scrutiny he was being put under. His right hand let go of his spoon and joined the left one on his jeans to wipe the sweat off his palms. ‘’ It’s not that you can’t understand… it’s just that… you’ll hate me if I tell you. ‘’

His father’s shoulders shook with sudden laughter. ‘’ Jinki, you are my son. My flesh and blood. I could never hate you, ‘’ the old man reassured.

‘’ You can’t say that when you don’t even know what I did, ‘’ the younger one immediately countered.

‘’ I know you, Jinki. You are a good person so whatever bad thing you think you did is probably not even that bad, ‘’ the gray-haired man argued.

‘’ But it is, dad. I can barely live with myself. I thought being on my own would help me be more at peace, but I’m not. ‘’ He had hoped he would never have to expose his father to his sin, but he wasn’t sure he could keep holding on to his secret anymore. His father deserved to know what kind of son he really had.

‘’ On your own? ‘’ the other echoed. ‘’ Were you still seeing Taemin up until now? ‘’ he then inquired.

The question almost had him snorting. ‘’ No, dad. It’s not Taemin… ‘’ The brunette took a deep breath, using that pause as a buffer for what he was about to say. ‘’ I was seeing someone else… someone that you know… ‘’ he hinted, peeling off the first layer.

The older man cocked an eyebrow. ‘’ Another one of your exes? ‘’

‘’ No, dad… I… ‘’ Another deep breath. ‘’ I was seeing… Jonghyun… ‘’ he finally uttered as his whole body turned cold and rigid.

The silence that followed his words made him want to run outside and bury himself under a mountain of snow. He didn’t even dare look at his father in that moment, knowing how disgusted he must be with him.  

‘’ Is that why Kibum didn’t fly in for the holidays? ‘’ his father suddenly wondered as he put down his own utensil.

‘’ Probably… ‘’ Jinki muttered, puzzled by his father’s initial reaction.

‘’ Aaaah… I understand now why you two have been so distant with me for the last few months, ‘’ the older man calmly noted.

Jinki was even more puzzled now. ‘’ Dad, did you even hear what I just said? ‘’ he reminded, eyes back on the one facing him.  

His father sank back into his chair, letting out a long sigh. ‘’ Yes, I did, Jinki. It is a very unfortunate situation, but like I said before, I know you. You are a good person and I know you would’ve never purposely tried to hurt your brother or anyone for that matter, ‘’ he pointed out. ‘’ One of the things we have very little control over are the matters of the heart, ‘’ he went on, giving his son the most understanding look that he could.

Jinki shied away from it. ‘’ It doesn’t matter what my heart felt… what it still feels… I… ‘’ His head dropped forward, ashamed. ‘’ I hurt Kibum, I stole his happiness from him. ‘’

‘’ Yes, he must be heartbroken and it honestly breaks my heart too, but things happen for a reason. I believe that what is meant to happen will happen even if it’s very difficult for all the parties involved, ‘’ his father reasoned.

Jinki knew his father to be an honest man, but he couldn’t help but wonder if he was just trying to lessen the pain of that horrible confession both for him and for himself.

‘’ You would never be able to say that if you had seen Kibum, ‘’ Jinki stated. ‘’ It feels like I ruined him… ‘’

‘’ You’re right. I have not seen Kibum. But I’m seeing you right now and it looks like you’re ruining yourself, ‘’ his father said, tone heavy with sadness.

Jinki felt his bottom lip quiver. Before he could even regain control over himself, the tears started falling.

‘’ I’m sorry… ‘’ He uttered shakily as shame filled him. He buried his face in his hands, hoping he could just disappear into thin air.

He heard the sound of a chair being pulled back before footsteps clicked on the wooden floor, getting louder and louder with every step. Soon, he was sheltered by his father’s arms, his warm embrace making him feel a little less naked and vulnerable.

‘’ Don’t be sorry… I just want you to be happy, ‘’ his father shared with a heavy heart.

‘’ But... How can I be? This is horrible... ‘’ Jinki pointed out through strangled sobs.

His father pulled back and set his hands on his son's shoulders. ‘’ That's what I thought too when your mother died. I thought I could never find happiness through that ordeal. But I remembered the blessings I still had... ‘’ He squeezed the other's shoulders. ‘’ I still had two sons who needed me and that I needed too if I was ever going to get through this. So I did everything in my power to cultivate that happiness, to make sure you two felt loved. In the end, her not being there had a good side. It made me be a better father to you two. I don't think I would've been so understanding and present had she been there... ‘’

Jinki lifted his head as his sobs turned more quiet. ‘’ I get what you're saying but the situations are not the same. You weren't the cause of her death. ‘’

‘’ And you were not the cause of Gunho's, ‘’ his father immediately threw back. ‘’ Nonetheless, you still hold yourself responsible for that tragedy and you've gone on doing that for every little bad thing that has happened afterwards, ‘’ his father went on as he leaned against the table to look at his son. He caught the surprise on the latter’s face and smiled. ‘’ Bad things sometimes just happen, son. So when are you going to hold on to your blessings? ‘’

Jinki just stared back at his father, speechless. The man had once again given him a lot to think about. 

__________________________________________________________________________________________

Jonghyun had been standing in the same spot for the last five minutes, just looking outside the window. He had been trapped on campus all day, studying and attending two classes, barely having a minute to breathe. All the while, the snow hadn’t stopped and he was now staring at the snowflakes falling to join the ones who had already piled up on the streets. Jonghyun stared in awe at all the whiteness that had gathered on the ground, at the magical scenery that made everything seem so pure, so perfect. In that moment, his mind felt light like a feather, the thoughts it usually carried fading into the background. A smile cracked his lips as his gaze caught students throwing snowballs at each other, laughing, seeming carefree. Jonghyun would’ve done the same if he had had any time, but he still had to study for an exam he had the next day in the early afternoon. The semester was an intensive one since he had chosen to take classes during the winter break. He would’ve usually waited for the spring semester to start like most students, but he knew that if he had too much free time on his hands he’d go crazy.

This time around, Jonghyun had decided that Jinki’s departure wouldn’t turn him into a shell of himself. He wasn’t going to destroy what he had going on just because the other had decided to turn his back on their relationship again. He was going to prove to himself that he could figure things out on his own, that he didn’t need anyone to push him forward in life. That was the only silver lining he had managed to see through this whole mess. His pride was thus the only thing that helped him get out of the bed he had occupied alone for more than a month now. He had been tempted several times to go against it and call Jinki, even more so after he had received his text message, but he had promised himself that he wouldn’t beg anymore. If Jinki wanted to be with him, he would have to make the first step and run a whole mile afterwards to be able to get his forgiveness this time.

‘’ Jonghyun, ‘’ a familiar voice suddenly screamed from afar, immediately bringing him back to the present moment and stealing his gaze from the outside world. He turned his head and caught the bright smile of his study mate and occasional broadcast co-planner who was running towards him.

‘’ Yah! Why don’t you answer your damn phone? I was looking everywhere for you, ‘’ his friend loudly reproached as he finally stopped in front of him.

Jonghyun rolled his eyes at the other’s dramatic entrance. ‘’ Is there an emergency? ‘’

The one named Jaehyeon huffed before crossing his arms over his chest. ‘’ Yeah, there is. You need to take a break. ‘’

Jonghyun laughed. ‘’ Unfortunately, I still have to study for an exam. ‘’

Jaehyeon echoed his laughter. ‘’ As if you’re not going to ace this exam, anyways. ‘’

‘’ Well, I’m not confident enough to gamble with my results so I’m still going to study, ‘’ Jonghyun replied with a shrug.

‘’ Oh come on, an hour off won’t hurt. You’ve been going non-stop, like have you even celebrated during the holidays? ‘’ his friend bantered, laughing some more.

Jonghyun just smiled, knowing better than to tell his friend the truth. He had in fact not celebrated during the holidays because he had had no one to celebrate with. Minho was the only person he could’ve had a good time with, but he had chosen to lie to him just so the failure that was his relationship wouldn’t be exposed. He knew that if his best friend knew what was going on, he would urge him to break things off. It was actually good advice, but Jonghyun wasn’t yet ready to consider that option. Instead, he had created this story where him and Jinki had spent the whole vacation in a chalet just to make sure he wouldn’t have to face his best friend. And now with all he had to do for school, he had another perfect excuse to make himself elusive. He knew at some point he’d have to stop playing this lying game, but he would keep on as long as he could. This behaviour clearly wasn’t going to make him best friend of the year, but right now, he felt like there was no other way.

‘’ Like seriously, I came all this way, even though I’m on break like every normal student, because that’s the only place one can see you anymore, ‘’ Jaehyeon remarked, his brows furrowing in concern.

Jonghyun snorted. ‘’ You’re talking like you haven’t seen me in ages. You were on my radio show two days ago. ‘’

‘’ Exactly, I was on your radio show, Jjong. Still something related to school. I mean it was really fun and all, but you know, there is something called life and it can be found outside these four walls, ‘’ Jaehyeon laid out, voice dripping with derision.

‘’ Meh, not interested, ‘’ Jonghyun dismissed before he started walking, heading towards the library.

‘’ Oh, come on, Jjong, ‘’ Jaehyeon protested as he caught up with him.

‘’ You won’t change my mind, Jae, ‘’ Jonghyun stated categorically.

‘’ Um… well you kinda have to… ‘’ Jaehyeon said, suddenly embarrassed.

‘’ Oh really, now? Why is that? ‘’ Jonghyun inquired with fake interest as he picked up speed.

The taller one sped up too, determined to get his friend on board. ‘’ Because we are going on a date, ‘’ he answered matter-of-factly to hide his fear.

Jonghyun froze in place, unaware his sudden halt had almost made Jaehyeon trip over his own feet.

‘’ What did you say? ‘’ he slowly uttered after being in utter shock for a few seconds.

A nervous laugh left his friend. ‘’ Look, I know I should’ve told you before, but I tried to call you and text you several times today and you never answered so I’m sorry I have to drop this on you, but we only have like 20 minutes left before we have to meet them so can you please just come with me? ‘’

Jonghyun cocked an eyebrow, confusion trampling his terror. ‘’ Who are we meeting? ‘’

Jaehyeon tittered. ‘’ Two girls I met yesterday. ‘’

Jonghyun felt his shoulders sink in relief from knowing that his friend was just being his same old self.

‘’ Good for you, but that has nothing to do with me, ‘’ he squarely noted.

‘’ Yes, it does! ‘’ Jaehyeon exclaimed, tone tinged with panic. ‘’ Let me fill you in real quick, ‘’ he went on, not minding Jonghyun’s annoyed expression. ‘’ I saw this really beautiful brunette and her friend walking in my direction so you know, I just used the old trick of ‘accidentally bumping into her’. So then, I introduced myself and we got to talk for a while and it turned out that they go to our uni! ‘’ the brunette revealed with barely contained excitement.

Jonghyun just gave him a blank look, unimpressed.

‘’ So yeah, during the conversation, her friend mentioned that my voice sounded familiar and then she asked if I had been on your radio show the night before and when I said yes she literally shrieked before sharing that she was your biggest fan and had always wanted to meet you, ‘’ Jaehyeon went on even more energetically as if it would transfer some of his excitement to the one facing him.

Jonghyun’s brows furrowed over his eyes. ‘’ Okay, so let me get this right… You set up a double date without asking me first just so you could score with that other girl? ‘’ he laid out, feeling his body tense up with the onset of anger.  

Jaehyeon gave him a sheepish smile. ‘’ Yeah, kinda… ‘’

Jonghyun had never been the violent type, but in that moment, he felt like he could commit murder. ‘’ I can’t believe you… ‘’ he growled.

The taller one gave him an apologetic smile. ‘’ Look, you don’t have to stay long… ‘’

Jonghyun glared at him, but his anger rapidly dropped. ‘’ I’ll do this for you because you’ve been a great friend to me, ‘’ he complied before taking a step closer towards the other. ‘’ But don’t you ever do this to me again, ‘’ he finished in a chilling tone.

Jaehyeon nervously swallowed. ‘’ Got it. ‘’

‘’ Good. Now, where are we meeting them? ‘’ Jonghyun asked curiously as if he hadn’t just threatened his friend.

‘’ Ah, it’s the café where most students of our uni go to study or chill, ‘’ Jaehyeon indicated. ‘’ You would know if you actually socialized with people here. ‘’

Jonghyun rolled his eyes at the obvious jab. He really didn’t care about making a bunch of insignificant friends just for the sake of showing that he wasn’t alone. ‘’ Okay, just let me put these in my locker first, ‘’ he said as he pointed to his books.

The trip there and the trip back to the entrance gave the brunette time to brace himself for the encounter that was about to come. I just have to make some small talk and then it’s back to the library. That simple statement helped him relax a little more.

‘’ And you know… maybe you can use that opportunity to get some too… ‘’ Jaehyeon said with a chuckle as they stepped outside.

Jonghyun would’ve laughed if that didn’t remind him of how lonely he actually was. His hand had helped him get by all this while, but sometimes, the frustration was so great he felt like he was going to burst. Nonetheless, he wasn’t desperate to the point of seeking comfort in the arms of a woman. Or in anyone else’s for that matter.

‘’ I’m good, thank you, ‘’ he curtly answered. He felt Jaehyeon’s gaze on him, but ignored it.

They walked in silence for the next ten minutes, shivering in turn as the cold wind hit their bodies.

‘’ Okay, it’s right there, ‘’ Jaehyeon finally indicated as he pointed forward.

‘’ Thank god, ‘’ Jonghyun expressed, relieved. The scenery had been beautiful to look at from the inside, but being outside wasn’t enjoyable at all.

‘’ Here we go, ‘’ Jaehyeon uttered before he pushed the door open.

Jonghyun felt his heart rate pick up as they stepped inside. He gave a quick look around. The place had a nice and vintage vibe to it, with its dimmed lights, square wooden tables and cushioned chairs. He looked over at the baristas working and felt a little tinge of nostalgia in his core. But he didn’t have time to linger on it as Jaehyeon suddenly grabbed his arm.

‘’ Okay, I just spotted them. ‘’

Without giving any more indication, Jaehyeon started walking, forcing Jonghyun to follow right behind.

‘’ Hey ladies, ‘’ his friend warmly said as they stopped in front of their table.

The two young women gazed up at them, instantly smiling wide. Jonghyun could’ve guessed which one was a listener of his show. He could practically see hearts in her eyes as she took in his presence. He was almost sorry for her, knowing that he would inevitably have to disappoint.

‘’ Come on, sit, ‘’ she urged as she and her friend removed their bags from the empty seats besides them.

They did just that once they were done removing their coats and scarves.

‘’ So I guess I should make the introductions, ‘’ Jaehyeon said with a smile. ‘’ Jonghyun, this is Seoyeon, ‘’ he started as he fondly looked at the girl to his left.

Jonghyun gave a quick bow. ‘’ Nice to meet you, ‘’ he said to the model-looking brunette. Why am I not surprised…

‘’ And this is… ‘’ Jaehyeon froze as he looked at the petite blonde. ‘’ Sorry, can you remind me your name? ‘’ he asked, embarrassed.

Jonghyun glared once more at his friend for his lack of care.

‘’ I’m Minjee, ‘’ the blonde eagerly filled in before she bowed her head towards him.

Jonghyun reciprocated. ‘’ Nice to meet you too. ‘’

‘’ She talks about you all the time, ‘’ her friend exposed with a little laugh.

Minjee shot her friend a deadly glare, missing the uneasy expression on Jonghyun’s face. ‘’ I don’t… I just talk about the show a lot, because you address some very interesting subjects, ‘’ she explained as her gaze went down to the table.

Jonghyun fondly smiled at her embarrassed stance. ‘’ What was your favorite show? ‘’

Minjee looked up in surprise. ‘’ Oh… that’s a great question… ‘’ she pondered out loud.

‘’ The last one was pretty awesome in my opinion, ‘’ Jaehyeon threw in with confidence.

Jonghyun kept himself from rolling his eyes. ‘’ Yeah, it was nice talking about lighter stuff for once, ‘’ he admitted.

‘’ Yeah, but I actually love when you’re sharing your thoughts on serious topics, ‘’ Minjee shared. ‘’ I still can’t stop thinking of that one show where you talked about mental health. I think it helped a lot of people be okay with their own issues, ‘’ she went on passionately.

Jonghyun smiled again as his body filled with warmth. He was happy to know his work had some kind of impact. ‘’ I’m glad you enjoy my show. It means a lot, ‘’ he voiced, beyond grateful.

‘’ I’m not really into listening to radio shows, but I might give yours a chance. I think it’s admirable that you’d touch on such subjects, ‘’ Seoyeon indicated as she gave him an intent look.

‘’ Why don’t we order some drinks, huh? ‘’ Jaehyeon abruptly interjected.

Jonghyun gave his friend a quick look as he tried to keep himself from laughing. Clearly, Jaehyeon didn’t like that all the attention was on him.

‘’ Yes, we should before they kick us out, ‘’ Jonghyun agreed as he grabbed a menu.

A few minutes later, they all fell back into conversation, their hot drinks set before them. Fortunately for Jaehyeon, the discussions took another turn and soon enough, things looked like they were going to go his way. Seoyeon was leaning into him a bit more and laughing at his every word at this point. On his side, Jonghyun tried to take genuine interest in Minjee. He learned that she was in the Visual Arts program and that she liked playing the violin amongst other things. Jonghyun couldn’t help but think that if he had been into women, he probably would’ve been attracted to her. Unfortunately, all he could offer was his friendship.

‘’ So what are you going to talk about tomorrow on the show? ‘’ Minjee asked after she had done sharing her favorite pieces of classical music.

‘’ Hmm… I don’t know yet, actually, ‘’ Jonghyun admitted with a chuckle. ‘’ Do you have any requests? ‘’

Minjee’s eyes widened. ‘’ Um… No, I… I’ll be interested in whatever you have to say, ‘’ she indicated as a light blush crept up her cheeks.

Jonghyun gave her a sweet smile. ‘’ Well, I hope I don’t disappoint, because I was thinking of freestyling again and maybe taking some calls for a change, ‘’ he informed.

‘’ You could never disappoint, ‘’ she instantly countered. ‘’ I think taking calls might be really interesting. People will be happy to have a chance to talk to you, even if just for a little while, ‘’ she went on, ecstatic.

‘’ I guess so, ‘’ Jonghyun softly acknowledged before taking another sip of his coffee. That quick break in conversation suddenly reminded him that he still had to study for his upcoming exam. He gave a quick look over at Jaehyeon and Seoyeon who were still in their own little world. He subtly tried to get their attention by clearing his throat, but that didn’t work. So he used the rough, but effective option: a kick under the table.

Jaehyeon winced in pain before finally turning his head towards him. ‘’ What? ‘’ he angrily uttered.

Jonghyun briefly shot daggers at him. ‘’ I’m sorry, but I have to leave now, ‘’ he then told all three. He instantly felt Minjee’s disappointment, but tried not to be fazed by it.

‘’ Aaaw, really? ‘’ the long-haired brunette expressed with a pout.

Jonghyun knew that her disappointment wasn’t for his departure, but because he would be leaving her friend unattended. ‘’ Yes, I have to study for an exam… ‘’ he shared apologetically.

‘’ Maybe Minjee could walk you back to the school, ‘’ Jaehyeon conveniently proposed.

Jonghyun just stared at his friend in disbelief. ‘’ There’s no need to… ‘’ he turned down as lightly as he could.

‘’ It’s fine, we should be heading back home anyways… I heard more snow is going to come down tonight, ‘’ Seoyeon pointed out.

Minjee just nodded, clearly still crushed by the abrupt ending to their moment.

‘’ But… ‘’ Jaehyeon started, but he quickly shut his mouth as he locked eyes with his friend again.

Jonghyun was the first to push his chair back and get up. A few seconds later, they had all put on their outdoor clothing and were making their way to the front to pay.

‘’ I’ve got this, ‘’ Jaehyeon indicated as he grinned at Seoyeon.

Jonghyun kept himself from rolling his eyes once again, but was instantly grateful that his forced outing wasn’t going to cost him a thing. Soon after the bill was taken care of, they all stepped out into the cold. They naturally fell into pairs, Jaehyeon and Seoyeon being only a few steps away from them. Jonghyun caught when the brunette took his friend’s phone to put in her number, making him nervously look back at the blonde facing him.

‘’ Don’t worry, I won’t do the same, ‘’ Minjee immediately reassured as they locked eyes.

Jonghyun cocked an eyebrow, confused. ‘’ Eh? ‘’

Minjee gave him a small smile. ‘’ You already have a girlfriend, don’t you? ‘’

Jonghyun’s eyes widened for a split second, before he gathered himself. ‘’ Um… yeah… ‘’ he answered.

‘’ What gave it away? ‘’ he then inquired, curious.

‘’ I don’t know… I could feel you being guarded… ‘’ she shared as she looked down to the snow. ‘’ And plus, why wouldn’t you be already taken? ‘’ she added with a little laugh.

‘’ I’m sorry, ‘’ he instantly apologized. He knew none of this was his fault, but he still felt bad.

‘’ Don’t be. I’m just really grateful and happy to have met you, ‘’ Minjee said as she looked up to him again.

‘’ Same here, ‘’ Jonghyun echoed with a wide smile.

Minjee smiled back before walking over to her friend. Jonghyun waved goodbye to both of them as Jaehyeon found his way back besides him. The latter waved too before they started walking the other way.

‘’ Well, I think one more date should be enough to seal the deal, ‘’ Jaehyeon noted mischievously.  

Jonghyun looked at his friend with disgust. ‘’ Is that all you care about? ‘’

‘’ Of course not! ‘’ Jaehyeon practically yelled as he took offense. ‘’ She’s really cool and all, but sex is important too don’t you think? ‘’

I wouldn’t know… ‘’ Whatever, ‘’ Jonghyun sighed. ‘’ Where’s my thank you? ‘’

‘’ Thank you, Jjong. I really appreciate what you did for me tonight, ‘’ Jaehyeon instantly said. ‘’ Although… I wish you would’ve gotten her number too… ‘’ he observed with a pout.

Jonghyun snorted. ‘’ Who says I didn’t? ‘’

‘’ From what I saw, you weren’t in chase mode, you were in polite mode, ‘’ the taller one shared. ‘’ Not your type, huh? ‘’

Jonghyun’s lips stretched in a brief smile. ‘’ Not exactly… ‘’

‘’ So what’s your type then? ‘’ Jaehyeon asked with a newfound enthusiasm.

Jonghyun looked down to the fresh snow, concentrating on his every step for a while. He wanted to keep the silence going on forever, but he could feel his friend’s intent gaze on him.

He suddenly stopped dead in his tracks, making his friend do the same. ‘’ Men, ‘’ he simply answered before he started walking again.

‘’ Wha-what? ‘’ Jaehyeon stuttered in shock.

‘’ I’m attracted to men, Jae, ‘’ Jonghyun reiterated, feeling like a weight had just been lifted off his shoulders. He was used to keeping that secret from most people he knew, but he had started feeling uneasy keeping that information from someone he had come to spend so much time with. Someone that he genuinely appreciated despite some of his irritating behaviors.

A long silence followed his words and that was enough to make him anticipate the worse. Jaehyeon never fell silent.

‘’ Look, I understand if you can’t be around me anymore… I get it, ‘’ Jonghyun voiced to give his friend an easier way out.

It was now Jaehyeon’s turn to stop walking. Jonghyun looked at him, scared. ‘’ I don’t care, Jjong. It’s cool if you’re gay… I mean it’s fine, ‘’ he let out nervously.

‘’ You sure? ‘’ Jonghyun verified, doubtful.  

‘’ I mean… I wasn’t expecting that at all, but that doesn’t change the fact that you’re a great friend, so yeah, I’m sure, ‘’ Jaehyeon expressed more confidently. He then looked straight into Jonghyun’s eyes and smiled.

The latter smiled back, relieved. ‘’ Thanks, Jae. ‘’

‘’ You know me, I’m the best friend one could ever ask for, ‘’ Jaehyeon instantly boasted.

Minho’s image came into Jonghyun’s mind, but he quickly pushed it away. ‘’ Okay, don’t get too full of yourself now… ‘’ he advised, chuckling.

‘’ It’s just the truth… ‘’ Jaehyeon pointed out as they instinctively started walking again. ‘’ So, do you have a boyfriend then? ‘’ he naturally asked.

Jonghyun felt his heart skip a beat. I should’ve known… ‘’ Um… it’s complicated… ‘’

‘’ Oooh, complicated… I like that! Tell me more, ‘’ Jaehyeon kept on, mind in full inquisitive mode.

‘’ I think that’s enough sharing for tonight, ‘’ Jonghyun replied, feeling his hands getting sweaty inside his pockets.

‘’ Oh come on… you can’t leave me hanging like that, ‘’ the other whined.

‘’ Yes, I can, ‘’ Jonghyun threw back categorically.  

‘’ So I’m just never going to know what’s going on? ‘’ Jaehyeon exclaimed, frustrated.

‘’ Probably, yeah, ‘’ Jonghyun curtly answered.

I don’t even know what’s going on.

 _______________________________________________________________________________________

Jinki looked up to the clock that was in his room.

7:57. Only 3 more minutes…

He felt his palms get sweaty as he then stared at his screen. His eyes stayed fixed on the banner of the radio show, Jonghyun’s smiling face making his heart race. He had decided to heed his father’s advice. He was going to hold on to his blessings. At first, he hadn’t known how he was going to go about it, but fortunately Jonghyun had provided him with the solution. He still wasn’t sure it was the best idea, but he had at least more chances of getting an answer. There was nothing keeping him from going back to their apartment, but he didn’t want to force his return on the other; he had taken enough decisions for them both already.

8:00.

Jinki gave a quick look to his left to make sure his father’s cellphone was still besides him. He had had enough sense to realize that using his own would’ve ruined his plan immediately. He then quickly put his earphones in. The soft and familiar sound of Jonghyun’s voice made him feel warm all over. He closed his eyes to better focus on it, making everything else disappear. By the time the jingle started playing, Jinki felt his nerves take over again. He knew he had to make up for so much, but a big part of him was scared he wouldn’t even have a chance to.

‘’ Okay, so as I had announced on my website, I’m taking calls tonight. You can ask me any question, about anything, but please make sure it’s respectful. ‘’

Jinki felt his chest squeeze. In about a few seconds, he would be one of them.

‘’ Ah, I’m glad so many of you in the chat room think it’s a great idea, ‘’ Jonghyun warmly voiced.

The brunette held his breath as the other went on to say that the line was now open. He picked up the phone, but didn’t press the call button right away. He knew it would be best to just get it over with, but fear had him paralyzed.

Jonghyun’s voice caught his attention again. ‘’ Hello! Who am I speaking to? ‘’

‘’ Hi! My name is Joonwoo. I listen to your show every time. Thanks for letting us call you, ‘’ the young sounding man enthusiastically expressed.

‘’ Hi, Joonwoo. It’s my pleasure. Thank you so much for your support. What is your question? ‘’

‘’ Um… well… These days, I feel like I don’t know if I’m on the right path. Do you have any tips to deal with uncertainty? ‘’

Jinki felt his heart skip a beat at the sound of Jonghyun’s laugh.

‘’ Aish, I knew you guys would hit me with the big life questions… ‘’ the latter then said. ‘’ First of all, I want to say that I think it’s normal to deal with that kind of feeling at some point in our lives. I think it can be pretty healthy actually, because to me, if you are never feeling uncertain, you never have the opportunity to re-evaluate what you are doing and change. Our minds and bodies are smart and they give us signals all the time and we should listen to them as best as we can. If you are not sure you are on the right path then maybe you aren’t or maybe you are, but something about the way you are going about it isn’t right yet. So I think the first step would just be to analyze when that feeling of uncertainty shows up, like is it every hour of the day or is it just when you partake in this or that activity. It might help you identify the cause. Also pay attention to the things that excite you, that you naturally want to do. Usually, everything feels right in those moments so that might help you know what you need to incorporate more into your life. And if you’re completely confused about everything, I’d say try something new. Sometimes, it’s no use doing more of the same. Maybe you haven’t encountered your path yet so go find it out there. ‘’

As the last words left the other, Jinki felt like he had just fallen even more in love with him. That was great advice.

‘’ Wow, thank you so much. That really helps, JjongD, ‘’ the caller said.

‘’ I really hope it does. ‘’

There was a brief pause before Jonghyun started talking again.

‘’ Oh wow, there are so many callers… I might have to make my answers shorter if I want to be able to talk to you all, ‘’ he indicated with another laugh.

Jinki felt his heart sink. Shit. He quickly unlocked the phone, pressed the call button and put it on speakerphone. He heard ringing before an automated message said ‘’ Please hold, your call will be answered as soon as possible. ‘’ His leg started shaking. I really hope so…

In the meantime, he kept on listening to distract himself and to get more wisdom from the one he loved. He was surprised that there were so many questions about mental health being asked, but he was glad that Jonghyun’s show was providing young people a space to be able to discuss that topic.  

‘’ Hello! Who am I speaking to? ‘’ he asked again for the trillionth time.

‘’ Hi! This is Minjee! I don’t know if you remember me… ‘’ a young woman answered.

‘’ Of course I do! I’m so glad you called. What’s your question? ‘’ Jonghyun inquired joyfully.

‘’ Maybe it’s going to sound silly, but… what’s the thing you are the most grateful for? ‘’ she asked.

Jinki felt his heart rate speed up.

‘’ Hmm… that’s a great question, actually. I’ll be honest with you, my mind usually goes down the negative route so a lot of times it’s really hard for me to see it, but I seriously have a lot to be grateful for. I think above anything else, I would have to say that it’s the people who have been and are there for me… I’ve had the chance to always have someone be my backbone and help me get through life… ‘’ Jonghyun took a deep breath. ‘’ And I think that without that, things could’ve gone very wrong for me… ‘’

‘’ I’m glad you are well surrounded, JjongD. You deserve it, ‘’ the young woman replied.

‘’ Sometimes I feel like I don’t, but thank you for saying that. ‘’

Jinki felt a pang in his heart. You deserve everything, Jjong…

The call was followed by a song break, giving him time to stress out again. Maybe he won’t even have time to take my call… Maybe he’ll just hang up if he hears my voice… Shit, this was such a bad idea… Maybe I should hang u-

‘’ Hello! Who am I speaking to? ‘’ Jonghyun said once again.

Jinki froze. There was an echo to his voice. He gazed down to his phone.

‘’ Hello? ‘’

There was no doubt about it now. Jinki quickly took his earphones out and picked up the phone with his sweaty hand. He knew he had to speak up or he would definitely lose his chance.

‘’ Yes… hi… ‘’ he uttered feebly.

There was a pause, a fear-spiking pause.

‘’ Do you… do you have a question for me…? ‘’ he finally heard on the other end.

Jinki felt slightly relieved. ‘’ Yeah so… I thought you might be able to answer this one… ‘’ He cleared his throat, feeling his chest constrict. ‘’ Do you believe in second chances? Or actually, third chances…? ‘’ he awkwardly got out before chewing on his bottom lip.

There was another pause, an endless one.

‘’ It depends on what the person has done… I think people can be forgiven for their mistakes, but there is a point of no return that can be reached if there is a lack of trust and respect… ‘’  

Jinki could only nod to himself, his throat clenched shut.

‘’ Thank you for your call, ‘’ Jonghyun said before hanging up.

Jinki slowly lowered the phone away from his ear before he hung up too. The chewing had stopped and he could now feel his lip trembling. His body knew before his mind could catch up and when it did, he burst out crying like he had never let himself before. Everything was pouring out of him and by the time his sobbing quieted, he felt like an empty shell.

He gave a quick look to the screen and saw that the show had ended 10 minutes ago. He suddenly felt ridiculous for thinking that his plan was going to change anything. He felt ridiculous for thinking that he could get another chance. He slowly got up from his chair and started walking straight to his bed, hoping to erase all of this with some sleep. But a buzzing sound had him look back to his desk. He ran to his phone on instinct and picked it up.

‘’ Hello? ‘’ he said, heart racing.

‘’ What the fuck, Jinki? ‘’

The racing pace became a thrumming one inside his chest as his ear was met again with the sound of the other’s voice. He was sure his heart would burst at any point now.

‘’ Jjong… ‘’

A long and heavy silence filled the distance between them.

‘’ I don’t… I don’t even know what to say to you right now… ‘’

Jinki could hear in his voice that he was tense. He’s still trying to spare my feelings…

‘’ If you need to yell at me, yell at me, ‘’ he replied.

His words were followed by a sigh. ‘’ I’m not going to yell at you through the phone. I just wanted to know why’d you do something so stupid… ‘’

‘’ Because I’m stupid… ‘’ He closed his eyes, shameful. ‘’ On so many levels… ‘’ He added in a whisper.

Another sigh came through. ‘’ What I told you on the broadcast… I meant it. ‘’

Jinki felt his throat tighten again. ‘’ I know. ‘’

‘’ I haven’t been waiting around for you like a little puppy. I’ve been living my life, ‘’ Jonghyun calmly indicated.

‘’ As you should… ‘’ Jinki acknowledged, not without sorrow.

‘’ If you are coming back, I’m not going to be so welcoming like last time, ‘’ the younger one went on confidently.

‘’ I get it… I’m not coming back if you don’t want me to… ‘’

Jonghyun snorted. ‘’ It’s your apartment, isn’t it? ‘’

Jinki felt another pang in his heart. ‘’ No, it’s our home, ‘’ he rectified.

A long, dead silence followed, making the older one feel even worse.

‘’ Why did you call? ‘’ Jonghyun finally said at the other end.

‘’ You didn’t answer my last text so that’s the only way I figured out to be able to talk to you… ‘’ Jinki answered, uneasy.

‘’ Of course I didn’t answer that text… it was stupid, insulting even, ‘’ Jonghyun retorted. ‘’ How could you wish me happy holidays when you knew damn well that wouldn’t be the case? ‘’ he went on, voice raspy with anger.

Jinki swallowed hard. ‘’ I… I guess I thought you’d have spent some nice time with Minho…. ‘’

‘’ I didn’t see Minho, ‘’ Jonghyun sharply informed.

A frown creased the other one’s brow. ‘’ Why? ‘’

‘’ Because I would’ve had to tell him what was going on and if I had done that, he would’ve told me something that I am not yet ready to hear, ‘’ Jonghyun explained, his last words almost coming out in a whisper.

Jinki felt his heart rate pick up. ‘’ Which is? ‘’

Jonghyun sighed again. ‘’ To break things off with you… ‘’

The other’s heart fluttered this time. ‘’ But you don’t want to… ‘’ he slowly voiced.

‘’ No… not yet, anyways, ‘’ the younger one indicated.

‘’ So what does this mean? ‘’ Jinki inquired, unable to stop himself from being hopeful.

‘’ It means that we… are not over… ‘’ Jonghyun started carefully. ‘’ But, I’m not ready to see you yet, ‘’ he finished, more assured.

Jinki felt his chest tighten. The hope had suddenly vanished. ‘’ Okay… ‘’ he said, crushed.

‘’ Okay then… I’m going to hang up now… ‘’ Jonghyun awkwardly announced.

‘’ Wait! ‘’ Jinki exclaimed as fear spiked inside him.

‘’ Yes? ‘’

‘’ I… ‘’ Jinki took a deep breath, centering himself on what mattered. ‘’ I love you, Jjong, ‘’ he expressed with all the love and care he could convey at that moment.

Another long silence followed, making the fear grow inside him once more.

‘’ Goodnight, Jinki, ‘’ was all Jonghyun said before hanging up.

The abrupt ending to their conversation was the final trigger to make Jinki lose all his composure. The tears welled up in his eyes as he dropped his phone on the floor. He tried to wipe them off immediately to erase any trace of weakness, but they spilled forth like an endless flow. After a few more seconds, he stopped fighting and accepted the reality that he was in.

He doesn’t love me anymore.

_______________________________________________________________________________________

AFF Link~

[itsmyrayeraye-blog]

Here's a Quick Way to Solve Low Ranking

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[payspersonal]

Distracted//Min Yoongi

➤ Pairing - Yoongi x Reader

➤ Summary -  Yoongi starts remembering little memories from the past 5 years of spending time with you while you sleep in his room after falling asleep crying into his chest.

➤ Word Count - 1.8k

➤ Genre - Fluff (I’m trying this for once)

➤ Warning(s)/Heads-up - This is not as sad as the prologue and chapter one but there are sad scenes.

➤ Author’s Note - . I just want to say that I’m not good at texting people, so when they text, the texts will be displayed in bolded italic words as I am too lazy to download a fake texts app. This chapter is told in Yoongi’s perspective in Second Person’s POV. I’m sorry that this is short. This is all I could come up with for Chapter 2m since I’ve been busy today.

➤  Parts - Prologue - CH 1 - CH 2

After hearing your sobs quiet down, Yoongi had thought you stopped crying. Slowly unfisting your hands from his shirt, he moved your hair out of your face, seeing your eyes shut, snoring softly into his shirt.

Instantly, his heartstrings tugged. It was like he was seeing you for the first time all over again, yet it was him you were holding onto.

Five years ago, Jimin had been texted by his childhood best-friend, asking if they could go to the amusement park together, as they had not seen each other in awhile, due to Jimin practicing after their debut.

Texting her, he had asked if his band members came along, which she said yes too, wanting to get to know her best friend’s new bandmates.

Yoongi took quick, unnoticed glances at her every time she looked away, studying her unspoken beauty. He pondered to himself how could you look so amazing and beautiful in such a simple t-shirt and jean outfit.

After the day of fun, Jimin’s best friend had started getting tired. Already falling asleep on Jimin’s shoulder, he had picked her up, fisting her hands, taking his shirt into her hands as she held onto him as he held her.

Yoongi looked over discretely Jimin’s shoulder, looking at her face, feeling his heart start to quicken, it pounding in his chest as his eyes were trained on your sleeping, angelic face. looking ahead of him as they crowded into the van to go to her apartment then to the dorms.

He sighed, gathering you in his arms and picked you up, carrying you into his room. He gently laid you down and sat next to you as he pulled the comforter over your small figure, moving some of your hair that fell in front of your face when he laid you down.

Placing his hand on your right cheek, he raked his thumb gently over your soft cheek, “I’m sorry for all the pain I’ve caused you.”, he admitted, whispering while looking down at your puffy, red eyes and red cheeks. 

He was the cause of your pain, adding onto your past pain, the one you had spoken to him a handful of times, yet was silent about it the rest of the time.

He could remember vividly he found you sobbing in your apartment when you had asked him to help you move boxes to your new apartment, and since the boys were busy with their schedules, he was the only one available to help you move boxes into your car.

Going to knock on the apartment door that you were moving out of, before he could knock, the door slowly opened, opening enough to let him walk in easily.

Moving past the stacks of boxes here and there, he started to move around to find you and start moving the boxes before it got dark.

Passing a few doors, he heard muffled sobs. Growing naturally curious, he followed the sound of the sobbing, opening a bedroom door to find you sitting on a windowsill, your knees pulled close to your chest, your elbows resting on your knees, and your head in your hands as you cried, your hair falling on either side of your face, covering your facial features from Yoongi’s view. 

“Y/N?”, Yoongi spoke, curiosity and worry laced in his voice, watching as you sniffled, immediately wiping the tears with the back of your hands, trying to get rid of them as much as possible, but to no avail, they kept falling without your consent.

“Y-Ya?”,  you hiccuped, still trying to get rid of the damned tears.

He slowly walked over to you, carefully. Once standing right next to you, he gathered you in his arms, sitting down on the mattress of the bed close by.

When Yoongi had picked you up and transferred you onto his lap, it was like a gate had hit you in the face. Everything broke loose, the tears, your heart, and your soul. You had never accepted what had happened to you, because you always kept yourself from realizing the truth, anything to keep the depressed and truthful feelings away.

You told yourself it was always a dream, but your skin said otherwise, so did your family.

You never wanted to accept the truth, because to you, it all made no sense. None of it did.

Yoongi rubbed your back caringly and slowly, his other arm draped over legs as he let you soak his t-shirt with your tears. He wouldn’t pressure you into telling him what was wrong. He knew the only thing you needed right now was to be held and comforted, not to be bombarded with questions.

You spent your night being held by Yoongi, even when you fell asleep. He only left when he needed to take off his shoes and jacket, then crawling back into the comfortable bed and bringing you into his chest, caressing some of your soft hair, soon falling asleep himself, his heart pounding as he had you close to him.

He sighed, remembering that, the first time he held you in his arms. He remembered how fast his heart sped up when he first put his arms around your back and under your knees. He remembered how comforting your body felt against his. He remembered when he fell asleep next to you, that it was like your body molded into his, like two pieces of a puzzle put together.

Another memory popped in his head when you had accidentally confessed to Yoongi through text when you thought you were talking to Jimin.

Yoongi heard his phone vibrate thinking it was one of the guys telling him not to forget to eat or drink since he was at the studio that night to work on the next comeback.

Groaning, he went over to his phone, unlocking it and opened it to see a text from you, saying “Seriously Jimin, stop picking on me. You’re just jealous I think he’s cuter than you.”

He smiled lightly to himself, then chuckled, finding it amusing how you thought you were texting Jimin, yet texted him. In his chest, he felt a stab of jealousy. Why were you not telling him, also, about who you liked? Didn’t you trust him? Other than Jimin, you said he was your best friend, the second person you trusted in the band the most. 

“Who’s cute?”, he felt his thumbs moving over the screen, the jealousy getting the best of him. Before he knew what he was doing, the text was sent, showing the message was read the next few seconds.

“Yoongi, idiot. The latest selca he posted is so adorable!”, with that, you attached a picture. (Prepare yourselves. I’m using my fave pic of him)

“Ugh! He keeps making having a crush on him harder and harder. I just want to kiss his face!”, you exclaimed through text. Seeing that text, he started to blush, making his pale skin blush bright red, making his heart pound in his chest loudly in his ears.

“Y/N...”, he hesitantly texted back.

“Ya, I know I know. I’ve been talking about him a lot lately, and I’m sorry, but I can’t help that your hyung keeps playing with my emotions like this.”, you texted back.

He coughed to himself, feeling like he was choking on nothing when he saw your text.

“Y/N... It’s Yoongi that you are texting...”, he typed slowly, then sending the message. He was the “Read” notification but saw nothing being typed back. He started to get worried. Did you block him?

“I’m so sorry! I meant to text Jimin! Please delete everything I said!”, you begged through the texts. He frowned, he knew you must’ve been embarrassed, but he felt the exact same towards you. He didn’t want to delete the texts because he thought you were so cute fangirling, only since it was about him and not another man.

“Y/N, I like you too. Don’t ignore me, please.”, he texted back, anxiously waiting for a response.

“Alright... But if you like me, and I like you....”, he smiled at the text, knowing what you were trying to bravely hint to him.

“I’ll pick you up this Saturday. Be ready at 7 p.pm. and I’ll pick you up at your apartment.”, he replied back, smiling and put down his phone as he got back to writing lyrics.

He remembered how beautiful you were on the date, wearing a simple black dress that wasn’t too tight but accentuated your curves, black heels, your hair styled to fit your face, and minimum makeup.

You looked so beautiful in such a simple outfit for a date. He wished he could have taken a picture and would have set it as his home screen on his phone if he could have.

To him, you were always beautiful, never has he thought you were ugly, even when you were sick and your hair was in a messy bun and were in baggy sweats and one of his shirts that you had stolen from him. 

You were always beautiful to him.. Ugly was not a word to describe you and if anyone had called you such a word, or any word close to it, he swore he would pummel them. You were his baby and he was your protector.

He laid down next to you on his bed, getting slightly comfortable next to you as he turned on his side to look at your face. 

It’s been two weeks since he has been this close to you, other than when he had pulled you into his lap earlier, but he felt more peaceful this time if that could happen, seeing your face as you slept.

It might have sounded weird, but he loved watching you sleep. You looked so beautiful and peaceful while you slept, especially when you smiled in your sleep from dreaming.

He wished he could have stayed here for hours, but he knew you’d leave soon after you got up, which would probably be hours from now, seeing how you had dark circles under your eyes, which usually weren’t there.

He lightly moved his hand, placing it on your head, smoothing down your hair again, still admiring your face.

Removing his hand. he wrapped it around your waist and pulling you closer to him. Once you were in his chest, he felt you cuddle closer. He then moved his unoccupied arm to put under your body, hugging you close to him, inhaling the kiwi shampoo that made your hair smell amazing when you were dating. He knew you used it because he said it smelled amazing the day after a shower when you were cuddling and watching a movie.

Closing his eyes, he relished in the warmth and comfort your body gave off as he held you close. He sighed contently to himself then yawned.

He’d been sleep deprived for days, not being able to cope while you weren’t around, you being the thing he needed to have to fall asleep comfortably while he slept.

Now being with you, around you again, he felt drowsiness finally effect him, making him start to slip into sleep, dreaming of the happy memories he had with you.

[rosietales-blog1]

Miss Me

(This fic was heavily inspired by Sam Hunt’s “Make You Miss Me”. I make no apologies. I have an endless love for the pain of the relationship between Ravager, Rose Wilson and Red Devil, Eddie Bloomberg.)

The first strains of a familiar song came over the mall speakers, and Rose’s lip curled despite herself. Admittedly she’d enjoyed the tune when it first came out, danced to it, worked out to it… but now she was sick of listening to the bloody thing. It wasn’t bad memories, not at all. That would attribute more emotional health to the youngest, and only surviving, Wilson child than she was generally considered to hold. She headed over to examine a display, eye darting about, unconsciously cataloguing and sizing up the exits and the crowds.

Still he watched her. Always from a distance, afraid to step back into her life. He’d seen the damage his loss had done, seen how quickly she’d fallen back into old routines in his absence. To be perfectly honest, he hurt for her, even as the disappointment settled into the pit of his stomach. As he watched she tucked a strand of hair behind her ear, his own hand clenching with the wish to echo her movement, noting how careful she was to keep the scarred remains of her missing eye covered. She’d gotten better at hiding it, if he hadn’t known what to look for, he might not even have noticed that she was blind on one side.

She fingered the leather on a pair of boots, testing the strength of the heel, snorting as it snapped under the slightest pressure of her hand before tossing it aside, ignoring the protest of the young man working the shop floor. He reached out to catch hold of her arm, to stop her from leaving. Whirling around before he made contact, Rose drew herself up to her full 5’3, not exactly an impressive height, but she had the kind of glare that exuded threat, made her seem bigger. Stuttering the boy backed up, and she gave him a nasty little smile before heading up the main concourse.

Watching he shook his head, dropping down to the main floor to get lost in the crowds. He stopped at the shop where the distressed young man was being led off the floor to deal with his shock in private. At least she hadn’t hurt the kid… Still, her silent observer couldn’t help but pick up the broken heel and tucking it into the pocket of his hooded black sweatshirt, running a thumb over it again and again as he lowered his face to get lost in the flow of human traffic once more.

Finally, she caught sight of her target. From casual, if somewhat unpleasant, mall-goer she became something else. The deadly killer settled over her like changing a shirt. The people around her seemed to notice the change, pulling away from her slightly. That was good, allowed her to ease the small, palm-sized dagger out of her sleeve and into her hand without it being seen. At the end of the concourse her target turned left, down the maintenance corridor. Tension in every part of her body had her coiled and ready like a cat, the weight of eyes on her being discarded as unimportant as she came nearer to where she lost sight of the person she was here to kill.

He hesitated, tempted to melt into the folks heading towards the food court. Something about the line of her spine let him know she knew he was there… maybe not him, in fact, he could guarantee it wasn’t him she thought was there… but she knew she was being watched. She was too good of a hunter not to know when she was being followed that closely. He held himself back, let some more distance grow between them, even though it meant he risked losing her entirely. If it fell to that, he knew where she lived. He could always find her there.

She caught up to her target fast, just through the exit near the dumpsters. He was waiting, the grin on his face suggesting he wanted her to follow. She was so tired of these idiots. They were all so cocky, every one of them thinking they could take out the one-eyed daughter of Deathstroke. She let them think it. Overconfidence made them sloppy, made her job that much easier.

“Come, Wilson girl, we shall dance and I shall leave your corpse as a message at the door of your father.” Rose’s opponent crouched, arms positioned in preparation for some fancy hand-to-hand style that she thought she recognized from her time with Grayson. Rose allowed a harsh laugh, laced with years of built up bitterness, to escape her lips.

“You are not the first to try, you won’t be the last. One of these days you fuckers will learn that he doesn’t give two fucks about me.” Then she was in motion, so fast the edges of her limbs blurred as she threw herself into the fight. The surprised recipient of her attack had to back up, losing his dramatic posture as he fended off the flashing glimpses of her dagger. High and then low, left and then right, it was like the dagger was everywhere at once, and he was sweating trying to keep up with it, to keep blocking her strikes, to make a few desperate jabs of his own. How did so many of these idiots know who she was, but not what she was? How did they not know she carried the same serum in her veins as the man they wished to taunt?

The ability that most people didn’t know about went off, a glimpse of the next few seconds of battle as her adrenaline spiked. Suddenly she wasn’t just moving fast, she was practically liquid. Flowing away from every blow he aimed, not even one hitting their mark, and she was through his defences, flush against his body with her dagger in between the fifth and sixth ribs, nicking the lung behind them. She pressed her cheek against his, lips so close to his ear he could feel the heat of her breath.

“You go home and tell the rest of the black pajama sleepover club you work for that the Wilson family doesn’t work together, but if they force me to, I will go find dear old daddy and help him eradicate every last one of you. Got it?” Not impressed by his stoic silence, she twisted the blade until he whimpered, then nodded his head. Rose stepped away, blade disappearing into her sleeve after being cleaned on her pants. “Good. Now you should probably go see a doctor before that lung collapses.”

Watching from a rooftop across the street, the silent observer permits a gentle smile to cross his lips. He had been worried that she’d keep falling… but she hadn’t slaughtered her target. That meant part of his Rose was still in there. She was still salvageable. That was what had always drawn him to the Wilson girl. Everyone said she was a monster, but at her heart, she was a good person. Sweet. Caring. The façade she wore was built up over the years to protect herself from her environment, but she’d let him in once. The real question is, would she risk letting him in again?

As she sauntered away from her target, hips swaying in sultry mockery, he took one last shot, a throwing knife went end over end in a perfect arc towards Rose. She didn’t even turn, simply reached back and plucked it out of the air, tucking it into the back pocket of her jeans in the same fluid motion. The observer on the roof held his breath, but the Wilson girl didn’t even grace the assassin with a response, simply continued on her way out of there.

Rose paused just outside the mall, head tilted in curiousity. She sniffed the air, she could almost catch a familiar whiff of sulfur on the air. She shook her head. How maudlin. It wasn’t him, it was probably just a diesel truck backfiring, they had a remarkably similar scent. But it was enough to send that twinge of memory through her, that wistful longing for what might-have-been. It was enough, she detoured from her usual route back to her current flop, deeper into the city towards a safehouse she hadn’t used in ages. Mostly it was storage now. A place of memories she had put away, but not forgotten.

Curious, her observer followed. This was new, and new behaviour might indicate she was aware of his presence. Deep down he knew he should stop being a coward, he should go to her, apologize for his absence, allow them to maybe find that thread of connection that had shattered when he had gone where she couldn’t follow… It had snapped before that though. He wasn’t being honest. She had left first, asked him to go with her, but he thought if he said no she would stay… He never thought she’d leave without him.

Rose input the code and stepped into the musty saferoom. A thick layer of dust covered everything. In all the years since his death, she’d only been back her once, just after his death, to put away everything that reminded her of him. It had been too painful back then, but today… Today she missed him in a way that was more sweet than bitter. Perhaps it was finally time. Maybe now she could face her loss. Everything she had walked away from, everything that had been ripped from inside her when she had learned the truth.

Crossing the room, she opened the window to let some fresh air in. The breeze raised up an eddy of dust as it knocked a handful of polaroids to the floor. Bending to pick them up, she smiled. It was a soft expression, looking almost alien on the rigid planes of her face. She hadn’t worn a look like that for a very long time. Flipping through the pictures Rose sat down on the couch, raising up another cloud of dust, but not really caring. To be honest it was still cleaner than where she was staying now. The photos were faded with age and exposure, but the memories were fresh as the day they were taken.

She was in the gym with Connor, sweat making their clothes cling to their bodies as they lifted heavier and heavier weights, each trying to outdo the other. “Give up Wilson, we both know I’m gonna win this. I’m Kryptonian.” “You’re HALF-Kryptonian, Superbaby. I’m going to crush you.” He’d won… but just barely. Her laugh had echoed through the Tower, but what had echoed in her was the grudging admiration he’d expressed, one hand on her shoulder. “You almost had me, Rose.”

Her phone went off with some ridiculous text tone, a song she didn’t even know. It was from Jaime, some joking observation about cyborgs vs androids that made her laugh so hard she’d almost cried. Like magic, Bart was beside her, snapping a picture. “The infamous Rose Wilson, peeing her pants over some joke? This is going in the scrapbook for posterity!” She’d swiped at him with a mostly fake growl. “I want that picture, Lightfoot…” “You’ll have to catch me first!” She’d chased him all over the Tower. To prolong the game, he’d always stayed just within arms reach.

She paused at the last picture. Could she face him, even this way? Was she really ready to look into those strange white eyes one more time? Could she handle it? Rose was many things, but a coward was not one of them… except in this. He’d always been her weak spot. Her best friend. They’d never slept together, never even kissed though she had teased him by getting dangerously close… but even then, Rose had been casual about sex. Her feelings for Eddie had never been casual, she hadn’t wanted to cheapen them.

They were sitting on the roof after a battle, she’d tugged a pack of cigarettes out of somewhere, leaning forward to light the tip on the heat of his breath. He closed his eyes, and so did she. It was the closest to physical they ever got, and the odd ritual was… comforting after a hard day. “I don’t belong here, Eddie. I’m not a hero. The rest of them… They’ll never trust me. Hell, you LOOK like a demon and they trust you more, Raven’s FATHER is a demon, and she’s welcomed in. But me? I’m the daughter of Deathstroke. If one individual has caused the Titans more pain, I don’t know who it might be. They’re never going to get past that.” His hand locked with hers, squeezing gently. She enjoyed the strange heat of him, the dark red of his skin against the paleness of hers, inherited more from her Cambodian mother than her one-eyed father. “They just need time, Rose. Please, just give them a little longer.” She’d given in that night, but it hadn’t done much good. The problem hadn’t been the Titans, it had been her.

Dashing a tear from her eye she put the pictures back where they had come from, shaking the old memories from her head. Perhaps it was too soon still. Over on the peg were some of her old clothes. The white belly top with the smiley face, that awful pink sports bra… Eddie’s black vest he had found so cool, the faded black hoodie he had worn when he needed to hide his striking colouring and the horns that sprouted from beneath his hair. She picked up the hoodie, fingers toying with the holes burnt along the edges. He’d always been an emotions kinda guy, and when they heated up… so did he. Literally. She’d thought it was adorable.

Rose tugged the sweater on over her head, flipping up the hood and inhaling deeply. It smelled like him. A hint of Axe body spray, sulphur and a strange male heat that she’d always found appealing. Wrapping her arms around herself she closed her eye, imagining it was his arms, one last time. She moved across the room as if in a daydream, wrapped in his sweater, in the smell of him, in the memories of a friendship past. Laying down on the dusty couch, she closed her eye, and allowed herself a moment to weep for everything that they’d lost.

He could hear her, and it broke his heart. He couldn’t stand to be the source of so much pain. Rose was strong, the strongest of them all. No one else could survive what she had and still have her capacity to feel. His fingers twitched with the urge to reach through the window and brush the hair off her forehead, to tease a smile back on her face like he had so many times when they were younger, more innocent… at least he was. He was so tempted, to reach out to her, to tell her he was here… but afraid too. What if she rejected him? She’d always been good at building walls to protect herself from harm, what if he found himself on the other side of that wall this time? The need within him though, that was hard to resist. He reached for his phone…

Her phone rang, shocking her out of her self-indulgent misery. With his scent all around she half expected it to be him… a wake up call and a reminder to eat breakfast like he’d used to… But he was gone. “Ravager.” She answered crisply, no nonsense, no hint of the emotion that was still damp on her face. She made a few non-committal sounds, and then hung up, grimacing. She’d been given her next target, and she hated that it had brought the ugliness of her world into this place of memories. She headed for the exit, paused, and tucked the photos into the pocket of the sweater. A few keepsakes, that was really all she needed. The safehouse was ruined for her, but she didn’t want to forget.  She kicked a canister by the door, toppling it over and spilling the foul odour of gasoline across the floor. Tucking a cigarette in her mouth, she lit it with a match, discarding the burning stick behind her. The heat of the flame at her back was intense, but she didn’t look back. Her past was gone, and she was just going to have to live with that knowledge. No use being too attached to it, no use mourning what would never be. Best to make a clean break… or at least as clean a break as she could manage right now. Everyone else had been so easy to leave… everyone but the boy who had died.

The fire had shocked him, he hadn’t expected that. Still, he’d caught sight of something he wanted, so he teleported into the flaming safehouse, snagging the vest of the hook before teleporting out again. It was a little charred at the edges, but to be fair that could have been from him as much as the fire Rose had started. He tugged the vest on over his white tank top, feeling a bit more like him. Even better, it smelled slightly of her beneath the smoke and sulphur. He smiled. This was something he could take with him, but he still had things to do before he could go to Rose. He just hoped she’d understand.

When Rose was preparing for a hit, she’d taken to writing letters to Eddie in her head just after he died. It helped her work through things, get everything sorted. It made it feel like he was still there. She hadn’t done it in ages, but for some reason tonight, it seemed natural to pick the habit back up. She was dressing up for this one, undercover work was never her strong suit. Painting her nails with a decided lack of skill, she laughed. They were the same colour as her dead friend’s skin had been.

Dear Eddie, You’d never believe what I’m letting them talk me into. Some fancy dress party with cocktails and high society. I haven’t been to one of these since I was training with Grayson. I wish you were here to tease me about tripping on high heels. I feel ridiculous. Who ever heard of a one-eyed girl in a curve-hugging gown anyway? I’m going to be spotted immediately, and then it’s going to be a bloodbath. I wish you were going with me, to bail me out when things get too hairy. You always managed to keep me from being the mass murdering psychopath my father wanted me to be. I felt like you were watching over me earlier today. Fuck, I miss you so much, you big red idiot. Why did you have to die?

She squeezed her hand shut, imagining him slipping his big, hot fingers between hers. There had always been comfort in the pain of his heat. A familiarity. She was the only one who’d been willing to risk getting burned, just to make him feel like a real person. Just like he’d been when he died. No powers. No horns. No crazy demon eyes. Just a boy, back in his own body, throwing away his life to save the world. All because she hadn’t been there to watch his back. She’d do anything to take that back. To stay when he wouldn’t join her.

That stupid song that always reminded her of Eddie came on the radio, and she lashed out, smashing it with a fist, forcing her to pick electronic bits out of the fancy lace in her gloves. She was Rose Wilson-Worth, and she was not going to let the past mess up her duty. She neatly compartmentalized all her emotions, and then headed out into the night.

Someone needed killing.

[analiecious]

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Semantic Research: Further fortifying the value of this sort of content material creation strategy, as well since the SEO advantages it may translate into, it's essential in order to comprehend Google's recent focus upon something many known as semantic search. Many electronic natives and marketers alike are usually using SEO to its benefit by incorporating every keyword you can possibly imagine into the content they create. Now that a person understand how you can please your customers, how to satisfy search intention, and how to create articles, it's time to move on to Pillar #3 in this SEARCH ENGINE OPTIMIZATION strategy. As mentioned previously, businesses could not make the bigger mistake than thinking that will best SEO techniques only rely on content, because the most recent SEO techniques you need in order to adapt depend on greater than simply content. Right now that you're on top associated with these 6 SEO trends plus have an arsenal of ideas to manage your strategy, a person are well positioned for SEARCH ENGINE OPTIMIZATION and digital marketing in 2018. In order to obtain a featured snippet, content entrepreneurs must structure their articles in order to a number of factors, using SEO well beyond the present competition to reach the number 1 spot on Google. People love to gain access to the internet while they are usually on the go, meaning regional SEO is going to turn out to be much more popular. SEO means search engine optimization. Google, the world's most utilized internet search engine, is every single eager to keep webmasters, SEARCH ENGINE OPTIMIZATION experts and businesses on their feet. By giving you an SEO tool that will give you a unique regarding just how much your organic traffic may be worth, along with keeping track of external links and monitoring competitors. The results also emphasize the value of creating brand-new at ease with your SEARCH ENGINE OPTIMIZATION marketing strategy. Fortunately, for SEO-focused keyword study, these two tools are plenty of to generate thousands of possible keywords. Local SEO will keep on as a popular SEO plus digital marketing trend in 2018 for local businesses. With the passing associated with time, search engines such since Google, Yahoo keep on altering their algorithms for SEO. Interpersonal SEO is not a individual branch of SEO also it is not going to soon be replacing traditional SEARCH ENGINE OPTIMIZATION, but social signals have turn out to be increasingly integrated into search motor algorithms. SEO a lot more usually discuss domain trust plus domain authority based on the particular number, type and quality associated with incoming links to a web site. As electronic assistance gets more accurate right now there is a great opportunity each for SEO and content, gaining from a growing market that increases the brand with a consumer in a unique but nevertheless relevant and useful way. Not simply search engine algorithm changes yet also the way in which usually people search keeps changing, therefore, considering the above 10 SEARCH ENGINE OPTIMIZATION trends- digital marketers and company owners could make their web site ready for ranking high within 2018. Whenever you look at huge brand names like Amazon and Walmart, a person see how powerful SEO may be. When you search with regard to nearly every consumer product on Search engines, Amazon and Walmart are even more than likely to appear upon top. In the similar vein, you can't check out an SEO blog at the particular moment without seeing a function on Voice Search. RankBrain is more associated with a ranking signal than a good SEO masterpiece, nevertheless, it will have some effects on SEARCH ENGINE OPTIMIZATION, and can be especially helpful if users don't know fully what they're looking for, or even simply can't find the correct words to use. SEARCH ENGINE OPTIMIZATION - Seo: the process associated with making your site better intended for search engines. Google announced last season that RankBrain had become their own 3rd most important ranking aspect, and our SEO predictions recommend it will grow in significance for 2018. Creating and promoting linkable resources is an excellent way in order to increase your SEO through the obtain of backlinks. You can get SEARCH ENGINE OPTIMIZATION results by executing Pillar #1 and Pillar #2 well, yet backlinks are fuel on the particular fire. This way, a person and your SEO can assure that your site is made to be search engine-friendly in the bottom up. However, a great SEO can also help enhance an existing site. Not just is it a great method to get different viewpoints directly into your article and find out there new things, it also assists grow your SEO rankings plus traffic. Use LSI keywords in body (use Seo pressor plugin to get related keywords). All these consequences also lead to better SEO and higher search engine rankings. On-page SEO is the exercise of optimizing individual web webpages to be able to position higher and earn more related traffic in search engines. When you are a local company and want to build upon your local SEO, do that simply by looking for websites that are usually associated with the area a person operate in. You can inquire your local magazine whether these people wish to work together upon online articles and mention your own business in them or perform the role of mentioned upon local websites for example your local community page. To predict how you can surface a business's results within a voice search, SEO experts now need to concentrate upon ranking for the common NL queries around target keywords. Fairly recently, I've seen the resurgence of on-page SEO elements making a difference in lookup engine rankings. A person can also see the off-page SEO power of free equipment through backlinks. If you desire to keep thriving in lookup rankings, you need to end up being aware of all of the particular latest Google algorithm updates plus SEO best practices. Although the fundamentals associated with SEO will stay important (links, onsite SEO, page speed, content material etc. ), how one increases for certain queries will modify. Several thanks for your awesome In-depth Guide, I have learnt several new SEO Strategies, I may begin with improving my website's Dwell Time Beside Creating Visible Content, I am going in order to really appreciate If you can Write an In-depth Guide regarding Creating Embeddable Images”, I require to understand it better. On-page SEO may be the process of customizing websites or blogs in purchase to increase a site's rank in search results. In 2018, your SEO achievement won't depend on how nicely you optimize your website regarding Google. In the same time, SEOs may need to pay more interest to Long Tail Keywords. SEO Smart links enables you to specify a phrase, like 'SEO' and after that link this to a post on the web site. SEO web design for that client's site is also the big influence in the rating of the site as properly as the popularity of the particular site to human browsers. Together with this new accepted company reality, there are many declaring they have the "secrets" in order to achieving Search Engine Optimization (SEO), when in reality it almost all comes down to making certain your blog is properly built, managed and promoted. In that will post, I broke down just about all the steps to do the full SEO website audit plus included a template for customers to download. Whenever these two are fully utilized, one will generate a much better user experience and improve the particular effectiveness of their SEO technique. Rank today has more regarding significant and useful content than SEARCH ENGINE OPTIMIZATION voodoo link crazy linking methods and spending your time upon keyword density and other specialized items. Google, much towards the shock of every SEO pro, is just not obsessed with making our existence more difficult, but instead, is definitely obsessed with providing their customers with the best user knowledge possible. Organized data on websites are definitely used by search engines in order to provide more info to users, plus they will continue to do this. Using schema markup to supply data about events, payment strategies and also review ratings to lookup engines will push local SEARCH ENGINE OPTIMIZATION rankings higher in 2018. As considerably as SEO, he offers this particular post from 2017: 18 SEARCH ENGINE OPTIMIZATION Tactics that Take Only thirty Minutes Each” Tactics here range between getting set up on Search engines My Business to checking your own site speed (with speed getting even more important now compared to when Patel first wrote their post), and from enhancing your own site's URL structures to including internal linking to your advertising mix and much more. Our in-depth guide provides the latest SEO most readily useful practices so you can improve how your content appears in search results, and get more traffic, leads, and sales. In today's rapidly moving world, SEO techniques can modify on the dime—and the most severe part is that you just might not even know this. Hacks which could have gained you a front-page result mainly because recently as 2016 are outdated now, but they may also hurt your website's rankings. It's a really wonderful and knowledgeable blog to enhance your SEO ranking. Take some time plus find out about your Meta titles, description, URL readability plus how to earn featured clips and site links SEO's about the globe are taking click through rate seriously claiming it in order to be one of the best ranking signals. Bing has confirmed that will they track unlinked brand says and use them as the ranking signal — and the patent by Google (along along with observations from many SEO experts) indicates that Google may become doing this as well. I've seen success with producing videos lately and am searching forward to making use of your SEO guidelines to help my videos position on page 1. Plus SEO professionals are absolutely thrilled about this new opportunity since featured snippets provide a possibility for low-ranking pages to reach the particular top of search results along with almost zero effort. SEO stands for research engine optimization. ” It is definitely the procedure for getting visitors from the free, ” natural, ” editorial” or natural” lookup engine results on search motors. This typically involves using advanced SEO tags (e. g., tags) that search motors like google reference when the more visual search engine outcomes page is displayed. Focal points for SEO in 2018 functions suggestions on what to prioritise in 2018, including on-site research, topical, local and mobile SEARCH ENGINE OPTIMIZATION and where SEO capabilities need to sit within organisations. We might construct a blog post that will has the SEO related key phrases in it and we would certainly put the link of the particular website that individuals are trying in order to build the back link in order to within text of that blog page post. My SEARCH ENGINE OPTIMIZATION guide will break search motor optimization down for you. Meta description is not a immediate SEO ranking factor but this helps in ranking indirectly. Once such an interview gets published, it nearly always gets a lot of backlinks and SEO value.