#survived today with 4 hours of half sleep

[martyryo]

paitn

[fading-event-608]

Listen, I know it is tiring to see suffering on your dash, but you can't give up. Not today, not tomorrow, not in a week. In less than a month it will be a one year since October 7th and you can't be silent then either.

I'm again asking you to donate to Falastin's campaign to get her family out of Gaza, once again with a drawing of an olive tree I've been doing for several weeks. It is growing but very slowly and we've got 4 donations in the last 24 hours - we are thankful for those, truly, but her family needs more. For food, for water, for medicine, for tents - half of them are sleeping on the street, - and for evacuation when the border opens.

Again, this is very urgent - so urgent that I can't find the right words to express it.

Please continue sharing fundraiser posts, ignore and block zionists, keep donating - keep in mind the conversion rates.

I also offer commissions for donations greater than 10$ and you can dm me for any questions.

Vetted by 90-ghost, number 282 on The Vetted Gaza Evacuation List, number 957 on the Butterfly Effect Project, Falastin's account,

[plussizefantasia]

Gentle Hands

Flufftober Day 4: Playing with Their Hair

Thorin Oakenshield x f!reader

Word Count: 1.9k

AN: This is a long one, you guys. I don't know what it is about Throin that just makes me not be able to stop writing. I'm not 100% happy with the ending but I needed to get it posted today. As always, please reblog if you enjoyed the story!

divider credit: @royallaesthetics

Being the queen of Erebor had its ups and downs. The long and arduous meetings were a pain, especially as you were often the only woman present. Sometimes Dis would be kind enough to join you as she knew how much you detested the stuffy dwarf lords who looked down at you, but she had other duties that required her attention and could not always be there to be a buffer.

You wouldn’t trade your crown for the world though, because the crown came with Thorin. Your One, the absolute love of your life, your other half, your soulmate. Sometimes he was the only thing that kept you going, that gave you strength to deal with the pig-headed dwarf lords from the Blue Mountains. He was your reason, and you were his. You battled with him side by side to get him where he is today. You journeyed with him to reclaim the mountain, you stayed by his side even when he was overtaken by the dragon sickness, and you sat vigil at his bedside when the rest of the kingdom feared he wouldn’t survive the wounds inflicted upon him by the white orc. 

You take care of each other. You have since the first time you met and you don’t plan on stopping anytime soon. When the two of you got married and you took the title of Queen you both quickly realized that there was very little time left in the day for both of you to spend together. The time apart hurt you both and a decision had to be made. 

Several long discussions later had led you two to the routine you had today. Your days ended about an hour before he did. In that hour you would make sure that dinner was served for the two of you in your chambers and ensure that everything was ready for the both of you when it was time to get ready for sleep.

The two of you would share dinner together, in private, and speak about your days. Yu would tell each other the good and the bad and be there for one another throughout the highs and the lows. By doing this you kept the bond between the two of you strong and made sure that each other was the best they could be. 

That night, Thorin had walked in right as the last maid had finished placing the last tray of food at your table. She bowed to her King as she left the room and shut the large wooden door behind her. You stood and walked towards your lover looping your arms around his neck and leaning into him. He did the same, placing his hands upon your waist he pulled you into him and the two of you rested your foreheads together. 

You stayed like this for a moment before pulling apart. As you pulled away you could feel the brush of Thorin’s lips on your face and the soft caress of his facial hair that followed. 

“You look ravishing tonight ghivashel.” He spoke aloud, holding out one hand to you. When you took it, he spun you gently getting a full view of the dark blue dress that adorned your body. It was not one of the fanciest dresses that you had but it hugged you in all the right places. And Thorin loved the color on you, it complemented his family colors and he thought you looked exquisite every time he saw you in it. 

“You look wonderful as well amralime” You responded, leading your love to the table which was full of food. That was something that you had to get used to when you became Queen, the amount of things at your disposal. 

You had not been royalty in the Blue Mountains where you and Throin had met for the first time. You were the daughter of Blue Mountain’s most knowledgeable and well-liked historians, also a good friend of Balin's which is what had garnered your family an invitation to the youngest prince’s naming ceremony all those years ago. Now you lived a life of luxury, one that Thorin had assured you that you deserved, but one that was difficult to get used to nonetheless. Every dinner was a feast where the table in your chambers would be stacked high with meat, bread, and cheese. There was always a cask of wine around and some sort of dessert severed in excess. You and Throin were never able to eat it all and it made you feel the tiniest bit guilty every time you saw what was sent back to the kitchens. 

On the table rested a tray full of braised lamb, some roasted potatoes, a basket full of rolls, some sort of stew in a still steaming pot, a jar of honey and a ball of some kind of herb spread, and a tray of Thorin’s favorite dessert, honey cakes. There was no way that the two of you would be able to finish all the food on the table but you sat and began to eat regardless.

“How was your day ghivashel?” Asked Thorin once you both had had a chance to eat some. 

“Tiring as always my love, but I did manage to have a breakthrough with some of the Lords that Dain has sent over to negotiate. They are certainly not happy with me, but I believe we have an understanding now.”

Thorin smiled at this, he had no doubt when he asked you to marry him that you would make a wonderful Queen and he has yet to be proven wrong. He admires you greatly, you were not bred to be royalty as he was, but you seem to have taken to it like a fish to water. 

“I knew you could do it, darling, you are the strongest woman I know.”

“Do not let Dis hear you say that she would have your beard.” The two of you laughed and you soaked in the loveliness of the evening.

You both continued to talk through your days, offering advice when needed and celebrating the other's accomplishments with joy. 

“You look tired ghivashel, shall we get ready for bed?” Thorin asked you, placing his hand on your elbow and looking into your eyes. You sighed and nodded pushing yourself up from the table and into your husband’s arms. 

He guided you towards the bath chambers and helped you ease out of your dress. There was a hint of lust in his eyes but you both knew that nothing would come out of it. Thorin wanted you anytime he saw you, it was very unlikely for there not to be a small amount of lust in his eyes whenever they were on you. You were the same way, you could easily recognize how handsome your husband was. He was broad and built, corded muscles would tightly beneath his skin. And his hair, Mahal his hair was one of your favorite things about him. The deep color complemented his complexion and the grays that kissed his temples and flowed through the rest of his locks made it shine. Silver was one of your favorite types of metals and to see it woven in amongst your husband's mane made it all the more attractive.

Thorin placed his hand in the emerald bath, to test the temperature of the water. When he was sure that it would not burn you he helped you lower yourself into the tub and submerge yourself in the waters. You have recently begun to have the maids add rose water to your baths as well, knowing how soft the extracts made your skin feel and how much you loved the smell in your hair. 

Thorin rolled up the sleeves of his white undershirt and lathered the hair soap in his hands. This was his favorite part of the night when he got to take care of you. He cherished you and would give you the world if he could. Washing your hair for you was the best way he knew to show his love. He knew you loved the way his hands carded through your hair. He could tell by the way your shoulders would fall and you would let his hands hold the weight of your head. 

As he delicately washes your hair for you, you begin to wash the rest of your body. Using scented soaps imported from Rivendell you clean your body from the dirt of the day. When Throin finishes rinsing out your hair, and you are done washing up, he leaves your side to go grab your dressing gown and help you into it. 

You place a kiss on his cheek as you pass him on the way out of the bath. He is getting ready to get into it and clean himself for the night. When you return to the larger open room of your chambers you sit at your vanity and begin to prepare yourself for sleep. You know that Throin doesn’t usually take too long in the bath, the two of you have timed this out pretty well so that he usually ends at the same time you do. 

When he finally emerges from the bath, he is dressed in his black sleep shirt and a soft pair of trousers. His raven locks are still wet, they are not dripping onto the floor as he’s already gone through them with a cloth. You know that he is as eager as you are for the last step of your nightly routine. He rounds to his side of the bed and takes a seat on top of the covers. His back is facing you and he begins to settle himself. You grab the brush and the hair oil that he loves and lift yourself up onto the bed as well. 

Thorin washes your hair for you, and you re-braid his for him. It is the way for you two to reassure each other that the love you have is strong. The dwarven tradition of braiding your One’shair is one that you and he both enjoy. 

You drip the oil onto the roots of his hair and with your fingers rake it down and through his tresses. You will admit that you do more playing with your husband’s hari than is strictly necessary but if the way Thorin is practically purring, you don’t think he minds.

Once you feel that his hair is free of tangles and sufficiently oiled you begin to take the sections into your hands that hold the braids. One of his braids is a marriage braid and it is the one you take the most time with. The others denote his status as king, his family line, and his victories in battle. After all the years of marriage, these braids are second nature to you and you’re pretty sure you could do it in your sleep if you wanted.

Your love for Thorin is felt by the way your hands move. You never pull his hair and your movements are always slow and gentle. You take care of him, more than just doing his hair, you hold his heart in your gentle hands as well.

When you finish you place a kiss on your husband's temple and hand the brush you used over to him to place back on his side of the room. He does so without complaint. You slip under the covers and get comfortable while Thorin blows out the candles in the room. When he joins you he pulls your body closer to his and the two of you just lay together. Getting comfort from the other without needing words.

[lxvsiick]

O U R

PART 12 | SUNGHO FIRST WIN!! (written)

A/N: guys it’s been so long since i’ve been on less than 5 hours of sleep and 2 hours of sleep is making me crash out 😵‍💫 ,, bouta pull a y/n and down 4 cups of coffee ,, might have to hibernate once i finish my classes today

୧⋆｡🕯. -ʚɞ

Taesan trudged down the hall, swinging a bag of Subway in his hands. Out of nowhere, Sungho had begged him to bring lunch, practically promising his firstborn in exchange for a burger and fries. He sighed, wondering why he always gave in so easily. At least he’d get to sit down after this, or so he hoped.

Pushing open the door to the art room, the smell of paint and ink immediately hit his nose. The room was well-lit, with tables scattered around, various projects in different stages of completion. His eyes quickly found Sungho, who was lounging at a nearby table with someone else.

Then he saw her.

The girl who had dropped a massive book on his head at the library. His heart skipped a beat as he hesitated in the doorway, the bag of food feeling heavier in his hands.

Sungho spotted him first, grinning wide. “Oh, you’re here! Thanks, man. Just set the food down for a sec.” He nodded toward the table in front of him, where she was seated, working on a sketch.

Trying to keep his cool, Taesan awkwardly stepped forward and placed the bag of food down. He couldn’t help but glance at her, who looked up and smiled politely. He wasn’t ready for that—his stomach did an unexpected flip.

“By the way,” Sungho said, gesturing between them, “you two should meet.” He gave a lazy shrug, leaving the introductions vague. “I’ll let you ask each other’s names. I’ll be in the office eating.” A teasing grin on his lips, he grabbed his bag of food and slipped out, leaving them alone.

For a moment, neither of them spoke. Taesan stood there, suddenly feeling very out of place in a room full of unfinished art and half-sketched projects. He shoved his hands in his pockets and looked up at her, trying to muster something to say.

“Uh… h-hey,” he managed, giving her a small, nervous smile. “I guess we haven’t officially met.”

She smiled back, just as awkwardly. “Yeah, I guess not. I’m Kim Y/n.”

“Oh, uh, I’m Han Taesan or Han Dongmin. B-but you can just call me Taesan.” he stammered, trying to keep his voice steady. “But you can call me yours” is what you really wanted to say, right? SHUT UP BRAIN! Why did his name suddenly feel weird in his mouth? He rubbed the back of his neck, glancing at the art project in front of her, desperate for something to focus on that wasn’t her face. If he focused on her face, he wasn't so sure he would remember anything else.

The silence that followed was heavy and awkward, stretching longer than it should have. Taesan shifted on his feet, his heart pounding, when she suddenly broke the silence.

“Hey, um…” she started, gesturing to a large book sitting on the table next to her. “I wanted to apologize again for, uh, dropping that massive art book on your head the other day.” Her tone was sincere, but there was a hint of a nervous smile tugging at her lips.

“Oh, that…” Taesan gave a nervous laugh. “Yeah, that’s okay. No permanent damage or anything.” He was trying to joke, but it came out stiffer than he intended. He mentally kicked himself for being so awkward.

She laughed softly, the tension breaking just a little. “Well, that’s good. I was afraid I might’ve knocked you out or something. That book weighs a ton.”

“Yeah, it did feel like getting hit by a brick,” he said, finally relaxing a bit. “But, you know, I’ve survived worse.”

They shared a brief smile, the awkwardness still lingering but not as intense now. He wasn’t sure if he should keep the conversation going or let it fizzle out, but Y/n seemed a little more at ease, which helped him breathe a bit easier.

“So uh… art major?” Taesan asked, gesturing to the work she was doing.

She nodded. “Yeah. What major are you?”

“I’m a music composition major.” Taesan answers, nervously fidgeting with his rings.

“Oh, that’s cool.” The beating of his heart was making Taesan dizzy. He still couldn’t believe Sungho knew her this whole time. Park Sungho, you bastard.

“S-so are you a junior like Sungho hyung?” Taesan rambled out. Placing her pencil down, Y/n shakes her head.

“No, I’m a sophomore.” Taesan widens his eyes. She was in the same year as him? 

“O-oh we’re the same year then.” Taesan says. “Wow, you’re a sophomore and you’re on the same level as Sungho hyung.” Y/n lets out a small, embarrassed laugh.

Just as the conversation was starting to feel a little less awkward, the door to the office swung open, and Sungho reemerged, wiping his hands on a napkin. “Alright, I’m good to go. You ready?”

Taesan turned to face him, caught off guard by how fast the time had passed. “Yeah, sure,” he replied, giving Y/n a quick glance.

“Well, I’ll see you tomorrow, Y/n,” Sungho said as he started to head toward the door. As he passed Taesan, he gave him a teasing smirk to which Taesan squinted at.

Taesan gave her a small wave. “Yeah, see you around,” he mumbled.

“Bye,” she said, smiling at them both as they made their way out.

As they left the art room, Taesan couldn’t help but feel the strange mixture of relief and regret. He’d survived the awkward encounter, but somehow, he wished it hadn’t ended so soon. Turning to Sungho, Taesan gives him a light punch on the arm.

“You knew her this whole time, hyung?” Taesan says, his eyes squinted at the older boy. Sungho shrugs with an innocent face.

“You never asked.”

୧⋆｡🕯. -ʚɞ

PART 11 | PART 13

MASTERLIST

TAGLIST [OPEN]: comment a 🐝 to be added

@tkooooop @ktzuki @dalliesque @cherrytaesan @crispy-kirby @onedoorland @chnhnyu @nujeskz @txjuns @prettiann @imuziawi @lynnimini @woorcve @swanyvess

© ALL RIGHTS RESERVED, lxvsiick, 2024

[6rookie-writer0110]

I don't want to walk alone anymore

Tara Carpenter x Male Reader

Request- Tara Carpenter x male!reader where y/n was stranded on an island for 4 years when he was 12 years old. He had to survive by himself and his parents died. On the island there were mercenaries and y/n had to kill to survive. He came home when he was 16 years old, he came home with scars on his body caused when he was tortured. As well as a bow he used during the island. In the beginning, Tara always kept quiet and never spoke to y/n unless it was necessary.

•

In the third week of college their professor asked them to do a project in pairs and because they sat next to each other they were paired.

You couldn't sleep last night and you barely sleep. You sat up on your bed and sighed, then you look at the time.

“It will be a long day” You mumbled.

You have to get ready for class and you take a shower first. After a while of getting ready, you noticed that you have time to get breakfast. You head to a small cafe shop and you are standing in line, thinking about what to buy.

“You are three dollars short,” the worker said.

“Crap, I thought I had enough” She sighed.

You recognized the vote and it's Tara from your class.

“I will pay for it,” You said.

She turns around and she recognized you.

“Oh, hey Y/n. You don't have to pay for it” Tara said.

“I don't mind and you don't have to pay me back,” You said.

“Thank you,” Tara said.

You ordered your coffee and muffin, you paid for everything. You walk out of the cafe shop and you walk to class while drinking your coffee. You sit in class and start to read the chapter and wait for the professor to arrive. Ten minutes later, Tara arrived to class. She sits next to you and you don't say a word. You don't talk to anyone in class and she always sits next to you.

“Hello everyone. I'm going to pair everyone into groups and the grade will be fifty percent toward your final grade. And everyone has to write five pages on the topic. There are no expectations of working alone and the due is three weeks. Tara Carpenter and Y/n will be working together...” The professor said.

Tara looks at you and you don't say a word to her. Class is over and everyone starts to leave and you start to put your books away. Then Tara stands in front of you and you stare at her.

“We should get lunch so we can go over what to do,” Tara said.

“You pick the place,” You said.

You and Tara leave the classroom together. She takes you to a small Italian place and you paid for the food.

“So... I was thinking we write half then we get together and compare notes,” Tara said.

“We should pick the part we would write first,” You said.

“I noticed you don't talk a lot and I never saw you at parties,” Tara said.

“I don't do well at parties,” You said.

You and Tara share food, you mostly listen to her talk. You walk her back to her dorm room and you meet her friends. She noticed you didn't say much, you said bye then walked away.

“Y/n, wait,” Tara said.

“Yes?” You asked.

“Let me get your phone number so we can stay in touch,” Tara said.

“Sure,” You said.

Tara saved your phone number and you did the same. You walk away and head to your dorm room, you changed clothes and start to study. Unexpectedly you get a text from Tara...

Tara- Y/n?

You- yes?

Tara- just making sure you didn't give me a fake phone number

You- I have no reason to lie

Tara- you are something.

You- ok

She didn't text back because she was busy and you didn't text back either. You got tired of studying for long hours and you barely ate, you start to get ready for bed. But it wasn't a peaceful sleep, you have another nightmare. You jumped out of your sleep and you are breathing hard.

----

During class, you and Tara don't talk to each other. Even outside of class, you and Tara barely text each other. But today, you met Tara at the library and start to work on the project.

“Y/n, I'm having a game night at a friend’s place... Maybe you want to come?” Tara said.

“No, thank you. Look, you can write this part but change a few words,” You said.

You give her the book and show her.

“What other part you would write?” Tara asked.

“Why the Roman Empire Collapsed, but I would go into further details,” You said.

“Okay,” Tara said.

You and Tara continued to work together and help each other. You don't talk about yourself and she noticed. After a while, you walk her back to the dorm room. Her dorm room is across campus and it's nighttime.

“Y/n, you don't have to walk me to my dorm room if you don't want to,” Tara said.

“I don't mind. Plus, I heard on the news ghost face is back and I like to walk” You said.

“Thank you,” Tara said.

She is hoping that Ghostface won't hurt you. She goes into her dorm room and you walk to your dorm room.

---

Tara went to meet a friend Mindy.

“I noticed you talking to Y/n,” Mindy said.

“So?” Tara said.

“You don't know, who he is? Tara come on” Mindy said.

“What are you talking about?” Tara asked.

Mindy went on her phone and googled your family. Mindy starts to show Tara, what happened to you many years ago.

“He was on a boat with his parents, but his parents died and nobody knows how exactly they passed away. He was stranded on an Island when he was twelve but he was found until he was sixteen years old. He did interviews but he wouldn't talk about it so much” Mindy said.

“I had no idea, this happened to him,” Tara said.

“Last year, I had a class with him and he didn't speak to anyone. And he doesn't speak about his past or show off. He just goes to class and back to his dorm room. Once I asked him for a pen and gave it to me and that's it” Mindy said.

“He is my partner and we have to write five pages and other stuff. He is nice to me and he only texts me if I have questions on the project” Tara said.

“I'm not surprised. I have never seen another side of him” Mindy said.

“Me too,” Tara said.

✯ ✯ ✯ ✯

You are at Tara’s dorm room studying together.

“Y/n are you free tonight?” Tara asked.

“Yes,” You said.

“Maybe, you would like to come to a party with me?” Tara asked.

“I’m not much of a people person,” You said.

“I know. But maybe, change your routine for a night and you won't be alone, I will be there” Tara said.

“But, other people will be there,” You said.

“Maybe, think about it? I will send you a text later and let me if you will come” Tara smiled.

“Sure,” You said.

You go to know Tara more. You listen to her talk about her favorite movies, but you didn't know any of the movies she was talking about.

“Next time, we will watch the movies together,” Tara said.

“I guess,” You said unsure.

“I know you will like it” Tara smiled.

Later, you leave and Tara is getting ready for the party. She sent you a text and you start to think about what to write back...

Tara- do you want to come to the party with me?

You- ok...? I will go?

Tara - lol. I will take that. I will pick you up in ten minutes.

What I have done, you thought to yourself. You took a quick shower and started to get dressed. Twenty minutes later, you hear a knock at the door and she is smiling at you.

“Ready to go, Y/n?” Tara asked.

“I guess,” You said.

You leave with Tara. She can sense that you are feeling nervous about the party. You and Tara take the train and is packed, and some people have costumes on. Tara noticed Ghostface and she starts to breathe hard and she doesn't want Ghostface to hurt you.

“Tara? Are you okay?” You asked.

She takes out her inhaler and used it.

“I’m... I'm fine, Y/n” Tara said.

She looks around but doesn't see Ghostface anymore.

Once at the party, Tara introduced you to her friends and you don't say anything. You are starting to feel awkward, you walked away and went to get something to drink. You sit on the couch and watch everyone have fun and talk to each other. You don't try to make a friend and you just drink your soda.

Tara noticed you not talking to anyone. She was going to walk toward you but a friend started to speak with her. You get up and head to the door and Tara goes after you.

“Not having fun?” Tara asked.

“No. I feel out of place, but I will wait for you so I can walk you back to your dorm room” You said.

“Y/n, that's so sweet. I don't want to make you wait for me” Tara said.

“I don’t mind. Have fun and I will come later also I saw a pizza shop open” You said.

“You know what, I'm going with you then we can do something else,” Tara said.

“Are you sure? I'm not a fun person” You said.

“Stop doubting yourself and yes I'm sure,” Tara said.

You and Tara left together and walked toward the pizza shop

----

You and Tara have been working hard on the project. You went to her dorm room to study together but you and Tara started to get tired. You end up falling asleep on her bed and she fell asleep next to you. You are having a nightmare, it feels real to you and you're breathing hard. In the dream, you are being chased and you just killed someone.

Tara starts to wake up and she sees that you are having a nightmare. You are mumbling something that she couldn't understand. She starts to shake your arm to wake you up.

“Y/n, wake up. It's only a dream, wake up” Tara said.

You wake up but grabbed her neck, thinking she is the enemy. You feel her fingernails dig deep into your forearm

“Y/n!” Tara yelled.

You snapped out and you noticed what you did. You let go of her and you start to apologize.

“Tara, I am so sorry. I didn't mean to hurt you, I am so sorry” You repeated over and over.

You get out of bed, you rushed to put your books away.

“Y/n, wait,” Tara said.

You run out of her dorm room before she got a chance to say something. You are still breathing hard and you went straight to your bedroom. You grabbed the water bottle from the mini fridge, you drink it fast. Your shirt got wet and you are breathing hard.

The next day, you sent a text saying sorry. Everyone on campus is feeling scared because Ghostface killed two people. Ghost face, threaten to kill you and she didn't want that to happen. She starts to keep her distance from you.

Today in class, Tara doesn't sit next to you. For the project, she doesn't answer your texts, and you already finished your part of the project. After class, you follow her

“Tara... Tara we can talk?” You asked.

“Leave me alone!” Tara yelled.

You didn't say anything back and you watched her walk away. Tara is hoping that you don't hate her for yelling at you. You are starting to feel bad for what you did to her.

Tara did keep avoiding you. You are keeping your distance from her and you don't say anything to her when you are in class or in the hallway. But Ghostface has killed more people again and Tara is feeling scared but doesn't show it around her friends.

✯ ✯ ✯ ✯

Tara is walking back to her dorm room from Mindy’s dorm room. She noticed Ghostface walk by fast then she stopped. The lights down the hall went out and Tara is feeling scared. Tara ran towards the exit but Ghostface jumped out of the shadow and grabbed her from behind. Tara screamed then she headbutts Ghostface in the face.

Now Ghostface starts to chase Tara. Ghost Face tackled her to the ground, almost being stabbed in the face. She managed to stop the attack with all her force, she screams for help.

“Fuck you!” Tara yelled.

You left a place where you can practice archery. While walking back to your dorm room, you see Ghostface trying to kill Tara. You rapidly get your bow out and then grabbed the arrow. You hit Ghostface in the shoulder then he falls off Tara. Then Ghostface struggled to get up, you start to walk closer to them.

“Y/n,” Tara said.

The second arrow hit Ghostface in the leg and Ghostface is screaming in pain. Tara is breathing hard and she is having an asthma attack. You had to make a choice go after Ghostface or save Tara. You run towards Tara, then you search through her jacket and take out the inhaler. You put it in her mouth and pressed down then you move it away.

“Ghostface is gone,” You said and you keep looking around.

You help her stand up

“Thank you, Y/n,” Tara said.

“I’m taking you to the hospital,” You said.

“No!” Tara yelled.

“I’m not going to leave you alone,” You said.

“Fine. I will stay with you” Tara said.

“Fine,” You said.

Tara follows you to your dorm room then you locked the door. You and Tara sit together on the bed.

“Why are you out late?” Tara asked.

“I was at a place where I can do archery. Why are you out late?” You said.

“I was with a friend until Ghostface attacked me. I had to keep my distance from you because I didn't want Ghostface to hurt you. I'm sorry, Y/n I didn't want to drag you into my problem” Tara said.

“I understand, what you had to do to survive. What happened that night, I had a nightmare I didn't mean to hurt you. It felt real to me” You said.

“I believe you, Y/n. We both did things we are not proud of, I killed before” Tara said.

“You had to do it to survive, Tara. Same way, when I was on the island, I had to kill so I can live for the next day. We have both been through traumatic moments but we are still here” You said.

“Yeah, but my mine won't leave me alone,” Tara said.

“Are we comparing?” You asked.

“I guess. Our lives will never be the same” Tara said.

“It won't,” You said.

She stares into your eyes, then you felt her lips on yours. You start to kiss her back and she gently put her hand on your neck and she doesn't stop kissing you back.

----

Months later... You and Tara have been dating in secret. Tara doesn't want her sister to find out. You and Tara have been opening up to each other, you told her what really happen on the island and you had to kill people. But Tara didn't judge you or made you feel about your past, and Tara told you everything about Ghostface. You still don't show a lot of emotions and you are somewhat affectionate with your girlfriend.

“Y/n, you shouldn't be ashamed of your scars,” Tara said.

You took off your shirt and you have scars all over your body.

“I feel insecure,” You said.

She put her hand on your chest.

“Babe, don't feel insecure. We both have scars that we wish would go away. But like what you said, we had to survive. I still find you attractive with the scars” Tara said.

You were about to kiss her but someone knocked on the door.

“Tara, open it's me, Sam,” Sam said.

Tara starts to panic.

“Hide!” Tara whispered.

“Where?” You asked.

You were about to go to the bathroom but she said no. But she made you hide under the bed but you forgot your shirt on the bed. Tara opened the door and Sam walked in.

“What’s up?” Tara said.

“I came to check up on you. Is this your shirt?” Sam said.

Sam grabbed the shirt off the bed.

“Yeah, it's my new shirt,” Tara said.

“Well, it's an ugly shirt. Let's go out and eat” Sam said.

“Oh okay, yeah” Tara stuttered.

Sam goes to the bathroom and Tara looks under the bed.

“Sorry, babe. But I will make it up to you, I promise” Tara whispered.

“It’s okay. I will hold that against you and my shirt isn't ugly, my girlfriend bought me that shirt” You whispered

“I have a cute boyfriend. I will text you later” Tara whispered

Sam comes out of the bathroom.

“What are you doing?” Sam asked.

“I-I dropped my phone under the bed, but I got it. Let's go out to eat” Tara said.

“Yeah. But I'm not in the mood for pizza” Sam said.

They leave the room and you heard the door close. You wait a few minutes then get out of under the bed. You put your shirt on and you head back to your dorm room.

[raineandsky]

The Villain's Housekeeper

(part 1) (part 2) (part 3) (part 4) (part 5) (part 6) (part 7) (part 8) (part 9) (part 10) (part 11)

tw death mention

The courtesy the villain has decided to show the hero has been incredibly weird. A relief, of course, but weird.

They avoid the hero most days now. The time they used to spend watching the hero break their back for them is now spent as far away from the hero as humanly possible. The hero kind of understands, though—since their damning little slip up in the bedroom last week, the villain’s demanded they stop doing the chores until their arm is better. There isn’t much to watch anymore.

And when the villain disappears out the front door for the night, it’s always with the same instruction now: “get a decent night’s sleep, don’t lie on your arm, and for the love of god don’t make it worse.”

No chores to be done in their absence. No rules. Just… rest. Get better. It’s a breath of fresh air.

Anyway, the lack of random work to do gives them more time to snoop. Okay, so it’s not no rules, but one very easily breakable rule. A rule they couldn’t care less about breaking—snapping clean in half, if they can. The agency taught them how to pry and leave no trace. This is the easiest, most rewarding part of their stay here. It's more of a routine than anything now, trekking through their notes.

The villain’s office is a mess, to put it lightly. It makes it just that little bit harder to restore when they’re done, but it doesn’t matter too much—they get information. A list of missing villains, heroes on hit lists, plans. Plans to infiltrate and extort and seduce and kill. God, everything the agency’s ever wanted is in here. The hero commits it all to memory, and by the time the villain gets home they’re already asleep on the sofa downstairs.

The villain always comes back in the early hours of the morning, and today is no different. The only difference is that the front door batters against the opposite wall and the villain staggers rather loudly into the kitchen.

The hero is up in an instant, sleep torn from them abruptly. They trail after the villain, glancing instinctively to the floor for blood, but the tile is clean. The villain sinks into a kitchen chair like it’s the last thing they’re ever going to do.

“[Villain]...?” the hero says into the silence. The villain barely responds, their gaze burning into the table as they lean their face against their palms, their elbows propped up on the table.

“We’re dying,” the villain says flatly. “We’re dropping like flies, and [Supervillain] is still trying to send us all to our deaths to save herself.”

It’s not hard to feign surprise; this wasn’t mentioned in any of the paperwork the hero’s seen. They pull a chair out and settle opposite them. “What do you mean?”

“What do I—” The villain’s tone is scathing for a moment, but they bite back the end of their sentence with a sigh. “Heroes are killing us. I’ve found more than one person face-down in some back alley. People I know—allies. Friends.”

The hero’s throat closes up for a long, long moment. “I– I’m sorry,” they say testily, but they come out as more of a choke. The villain doesn’t seem to hear them anyway.

“Every so often [Supervillain] sends a new batch of villains into the thick of it, to try and take down some of the heroes wiping us out. Those who do survive are few and far between, usually screwed up beyond repair. And [Supervillain]— she’s—”

The villain sucks in a shuddery breath. The hero waits patiently.

“[Supervillain]’s chosen her next round of sacrifices,” the villain says with a breath of a humourless laugh, and a knot twists in the hero’s stomach. The villain fixes them with an empty stare, and the hero shoves down the urge to glance away. “I’m one of them. I’m— I’m being sent to die.”

Perfect, some part of the hero’s mind murmurs. A safe haven, all to yourself.

But despite everything, the villain’s been kind to them. Even though they humiliated them and forced their hand, the hero’s not in the claws of the superhero yet because of them. And they’re going to die. The villain’s going to leave one day, and they won’t come back. The hero’s brain almost can’t wrap around it.

“She— I’ll be setting off… for good next Thursday.” The villain’s face morphs into hopelessness.

It’s Tuesday now. Nine days.

The villain clears their throat, though it doesn’t seem to dislodge the anxious rasp residing there. “I, uh— I’m sorry,” they say unexpectedly. “For being a villain, for making you dance for my entertainment to stay alive, for— god, for everything. I’m sorry, [Hero].”

The hero can only blink at them for a moment. Sorry? “That’s, uh… it’s okay,” the hero says dumbly after a moment.

“No, it’s not. The least I can do is fix what I can before I… y’know.” The villain’s eyes lock onto the hero’s so intensely that they can’t find it in themself to look away this time. “I’m so sorry.”

You saved my life. You let me stay here. You let me hide from your enemy. You let me hide from mine. You ignored the benefits of turning me out for what? Companionship? Necessity? Something else entirely?

The hero can’t say that to their nemesis. The villain already sounds insane saying all this. They don’t need to feed into the absurdity of the evening. So they simply force a smile, of sorts, onto their face, and say, “I forgive you.”

(next part)

[aching-tummies]

True Stomach Ache

Members of my household (myself included) have been pretty busy lately. Due to that, we've been surviving on leftovers. We tend to batch-cook maybe two or three times a week or order a massive amount of take-out the one night in order to have it in the fridge to re-heat when it's time for a meal. Honestly, not my favorite strategy. Leftovers are already kind of lackluster…but 4-6 day old 'what was once curry' should be considered lethal. Personally, my rule of thumb is 3 days--if it's been in the fridge for 3 days then I don't want to eat it anymore. Unfortunately, that's the kind of thing that's been going into my poor tum for the last three days or so. I haven't had the time to cook and fast-food and stuff in my area is becoming increasingly overpriced and decreasing in quality. I don't want to spend the equivalent of 1.5 hours of pay on something that tastes like the cardboard and plastic it was shipped to the store in so I've opted not to eat out. With eating out not an option, I've been subjecting myself to the mystery leftovers in our fridge alongside other members of my household. They get mad at me when I don't help liquidate the leftovers anyway and I didn't want to be stressed and yelled at so I drank the proverbial Kool-aid (in this case, curry). My stomach really isn't happy about it. I guess last night and this morning, my tummy decided to get even.

Last night we had yet another dinner of 4 day old curry. Thank heavens for the fact that we have enough washrooms in the house for everyone because everyone suffered for the curry last night. Due to the curry's repeated exits, I ended up going to bed ravenous--'dinner' having been rejected by my stomach. I was too tired to bother trying to find something to fill my stomach so I opted to go to sleep hungry--thinking that at the very least I could treat myself to some hunger-kink in the morning.

Hopes of indulging in hunger-kink were dashed when I woke up due to a nasty twinge in my lower belly. It felt like a cross between period cramps and the urge to use the washroom. My intestines were empty though, thanks to the curry liquidating my guts a half dozen times last night. So…my stomach and intestines were empty, but they were all cramping up like they needed to go. I ended up writhing on my bed for a few hours, trying anything to quell the ache in my intestines. I tried rubbing it for a bit, which didn't help. I tried laying a weighted sack over it in hopes it'd squash the ache. The 'sack' is really just one of those microwavable heating packs filled with either grains or plastic beads or whatever. Even without heating it up, sometimes just the weight of it is pretty comforting when I've got stomach issues.

It's been a long time since I've truly felt like I experienced a true 'stomach ache'--like…this wasn't what I'd normally describe as indigestion or period cramps or being overfull or hungry--there was seemingly no cause and no explanation for my stomach to ache like it was this morning. I had initially planned to try sugarless bears take 2 today…but my guts were already being put through the wringer so I decided to save them for another time.

As always, if you want to treat this like an RP-starter, feel free. Honestly, with how often my stomach's been acting up I've been really thirsty for tum-content lately. I'm definitely not gonna doxx myself of whatever but at times I wish I could just meet up with someone into this stuff and let my stomach be their problem (or I guess, toy?) for a few hours.

[pbandjesse]

One of my favorite things about camping is that time does not matter. It is 6pm and we just brushed our teeth and put on jammies because the sun went down and we're freezing. But I'm in a great mood. Today was a really good day.

I slept alright. Getting to sleep was tricky still. Staying asleep was hard as well. Last night we were able to feel baby kicking consistently on the outside and that was really cool. James came upstairs and was able to feel her as well and it was just really exciting.

When I woke up this morning James came and laid in bed with me. We discussed what the timeline of the day would be. We would get up and James said we could have breakfast or get lunch on our way out of town. I decided on lunch.

I would get up and take a very cold shower. I washed my hair and by the time I was done that the water was warm enough to be comfortable. I hate that it takes so long and I still want to investigate that with a plumber. But I powered through even if it sucked.

I got dressed and felt pretty good. I love this jumpsuit and it has been in heavy rotation this pregnancy for sure. It's just so comfortable and I feel so good in it. I also wore my new butterfly hair clip and was feeling really good.

We spent some time finishing packing. We would of course forget things. James misunderstood my packing of the trunk and took things out and then when I was explaining I wanted to bring the trunk they would get it from the basement but in the confusion they didn't grab their sleeping bag or our camp chair which was sitting with the trunk. Oops.

Thankfully I brought 4 smaller blankets we can share and we have the car blanket to use as a sheet. I also remembered pillows. Which were almost forgotten.

We spent some time figuring out how to download shows (couldn't do it on the computer but could on my tablet!) and hanging out with sweetp. And we were out of the house around 11.

First stop was the grocery store to get our provisions. I had written up a simple menu of hotdogs and s'mores for dinner tonight, and eggs on English muffins with potatoes for breakfast. James decided tomorrow we will have quesadillas for dinner. And we'll have lunch out in the world all the days of our little trip. I wanted us to be as light as possible but the car was still really full.

We made me realize we will for sure need a box/shell for the roof of the car once we have baby. It brought up memories of when we went camping when I was a kid and we had our mini van and shell. I want our child to have lots of good camping memories too.

I enjoyed walking around the grocery store with James. But we weren't there long. We got tied up with the new exit system they have where you have to scan your receipt to leave the store. Which made us forget our cart because we were so focused on the scanning. The cashier laughed at us but waved us away. We were just in a silly mood.

We stopped at Wawa for lunch and gas. I got a small hoagie and James got a hotdog. The whole thing did not take long. We had about a 3 hour drive. And it was a beautiful day for it.

Going over the bay bridge always seems to make people really scared but I think it's fine. I enjoyed listening to podcasts with James. Laughing. Eating candy. Watching the world go by. I did not love that we were basically driving into the sun the entire time. Made my face very hot. But we survived.

We made a stop about half way through to use the bathroom. But mostly it was just straight through to pocomoke.

We arrived around 240 to the camp store. We were not in the correct end of the park though. We needed to go to the other side of the river, about 20 minutes away. But because the offices are closed for the season and this is the last week for camping we could only check in at the one place.

I was slightly nervous about service. I don't want to be on my phone the whole time but I had a telehealth appointment at 340. So I needed it to work for then. Thankfully after we got to our site my service returned but it was a spotty few minutes getting here.

We are staying in a mini cabin. Which basically means no bathroom. It's not a far walk but I am still nervous about the middle of the night. We stayed at this campsite before, for thanksgiving a few years ago. And I remember having to walk in the cold and dark to use the bathroom then too. There are no other people. So I can make a straight shot and not have to worry about walking through other people's camp sites. Hopefully it won't be to bad tonight.

When we got here we brought out stuff inside. Which is when I realized we didn't have James's sleeping bag. I made do and tried to make the bed cozy. There is heat but it is mostly just cutting the cold, it's not actually warm in here. Which is fine. We can bundle.

James would take their bike to go pick up fire wood while I took a walk around our camping loop to wait for my appointment and look at the water. I found some really neat pinecones. This forest is a Cyprus swamp. It's very neat. And I have seen so many interesting pinecones and small plants. Even the way the broke. saplings by the waters edge have worn down to drift wood is so interesting. I am already having a lot of fun.

James came back while I was still walking. They texted me to check if I was okay. And I let them know where I was. We talked and walked while they collected kindling.

Finally the office called me to check me in. But it would be another half hour until my actual appointment. My doctor is really nice and since it was a video she was like where are you??? And was very surprised when I told her we're camping. It was a good chat though and I feel good about my health on that end. Though it is funny that all my symptoms can be with baby or arthritis related and can be exasperated by eachother. Can't win but at least I'm not getting worse.

James was building a fire while I was on my call. And when I was done they were finishing getting it going. The sun was setting fast and by the time it had we were having hotdogs. I had to put my omni-heat jacket on under my flannel because the temperature dropped so quickly. But I was still having fun just being with James.

I was playing animal crossing in my tablet while James cooked. We had s'mores. And decided it was cold and dark enough to get cozy.

So we cleaned up and put things away. James took the fire down and pulled out usable wood to have for tomorrow. I went to sue the bathroom and was very very shivery trying to get changed but I did it and am warm enough now.

I'm sitting in a chair in the backroom of this two room cabin. But I'm going to go get in bed with James now. We'll probably watch some of our shows and go to bed fairly early.

Tomorrow we are hoping to bike. It's been forever since I've biked and my center of gravity is all strange so wish me luck there. I hope you are all having a lovely evening. I love you all. Goodnight!!

[androgynousblackbox]

10 Things I Hate About You. 4 [Appleradio, Radioapple]

I hate that you keep secrets from me

On the morning Alastor was surprised when he find the king seated at the table. That alone was perfectly normal and part of his everday for what was closer to be half a year. It wasn't, however, the look of apprehension that Lucifer threw his way as soon he saw him. He didn't seemed like he managed to get a lot of sleep last night.

As if realizing that is exactly what he did, Lucifer cleared his throat and lifted the newspaper in front of his face after a grumbled out greeting.

Alastor accomodated as usual. He had his own newspaper, but it was easier to see the big bold letter in the first page when that was literally in front of his face already.

"Ah, extermination is today? It always takes me by surprise somehow" commented casually, like how most people would talk about the weather.

Lucifer lowered his cover and send him a stare that could have lasted a long time, or came packed with a lot more than what a few seconds required. It was certainly more than whatever Alastor had been getting since he came there and for a moment he didn't know how to react at it.

"You are not getting out today, do you?" blurted out the man. It didn't sound so much a question as a sound one made when they couldn't contain themselves any longer. Lucifer bite down his lower lip as he sat upright. "Please, tell me that you are staying inside."

Alastor frowned slightly as he let his smile stretch further.

"Sir," started out slowly. "I am surprised. I thought I was free to come and go whenever I want to."

"You can." Lucifer swallowed up, pulling back in his chair. He didn't even looked at the servants putting the food in front of him. Alastor felt a crumb of satisfaction to not see the little imp that used to linger more time than was ever needed at Lucifer's side, trying to make conversation and not getting discouraged even as he only got monosyllabic responses if that. The fact their feeble attempts were entirely ineffective made no difference as far Alastor cared about. An annoyance was an annoyance and it was easy to take care of it, so why not? The interrogation he was kinda expecting never came. It was truly like nothing had happened. "But not today."

Oh, now he cared about anything he did. Now he felt like saying something outside of the dettached light comments of usual. Alastor squinted his eyes. He was already aware of their difference in power, he couldn't ignore it even if he wanted to, but surely the man didn't thought he would be a fucking idiot too. How did he think he managed to survive for so long? How did he thought he even fulfilled his stupid condition? How small and weak he saw him as?

"Your Majesty, the concern is fully unnecessary" said with a tight smile, before he forced himself to iron it out. "Exterminations have a schedule established. We have a huge clock tower at the center of the city to mark when they start and when they end. My surprise only came from the day because I didn't even think about it, not about the time. Only idiots go out to try their luck past the hour."

"Even so, I would feel better if you just stayed inside the rest of the day," insisted Lucifer.

"I think you are overstimating how big of an event exterminations are, your Majesty." Alastor left his hand over the table. The little plate containing his mug clanked against each other with the force of his gesture. "All the rings had plenty of time to adapt quite well to them. Business do not stop working during this day. I have my own broadcast to do as well."

"Can't you just skip it?"

He could, actually. It would be the easiest thing ever. As the sole owner of the whole studio, he could do whatever the hell he wanted to in term of schedule or content and nobody ever could argue with him. The power that Lucifer had on the rest of Hell was the same he had over his radio station and he was a tyrant ruler. Precisely because of that, the mere suggestion that Lucifer could try to interfere with it irritated him on a level that had him pressing his jaw together.

"No," replied dry, barely separating his mouth. "I won't be doing that. I am a professional and my listeners count on it."

Lucifer sighed. The shake of his head was brief and small, but it made Alastor to feel a fist crawling up the back of his throat, wanting to shake something.

"Can't I just bring your studio here? We can have one of the guest room be that for you."

"And miss the opportunity to enjoy some fresh hellish air? Now why I would do that?" His smiled now was fully tight, so constricted that he was revealing his dark gums.

Lucifer blinked, taken aback.

"You like that air?" said before he shook his head again. "Not the point. Listen, it would be for just today."

Alastor let out a sudden scratchy laugh. He could not believe the absolute audacity. Is this what it did to someone live in a palace, constantly assured that there was nothing that could hurt them? It was like talking to an alien or a newbie that had just arrived to the Hell Alastor was already so familiarized, but worse, because he should know better than that now.

"Today is nothing different than any other day!" replied, lifting both his arms. "Do you think people killing each other is anything new for any of us? Ask ten sinners in the streets and garantee at least nine of them would like to kill me already, with the tenth being the one to actually try it! At least the exorcists have the decency to announce themselves before stricking! I am not about to run away and hide just because you fail to realize what is the reality of people outside of this palace!"

He didn't mean to elevate his voice, but before he knew it was already out and the words hanged in the air as Lucifer just stared at him. Their breakfast was getting cold. A stretched out second passed as they both stared at each other.

Alastor more than willing to storm off from the table if it came for that. Lucifer just in shock. When was the last time since anyone had yelled at him? Since anyone had told him no? The thought could have made Alastor to feel elated at any other time, when he wasn't boiling for an excuse to spill over.

Finally, with an audible sigh, Lucifer's shoulders slumped over his chair. He looked so very tired, even more than when Alastor first saw him.

"Is there anything I can say to convince you?"

The obvious defeat behind his words made Alastor to deflate somewhat. There was no point if there was not going to be more strugle. But he remained firm anyway, just in case.

"No. And frankly, sir, I would appreciate if you didn't try to ask that again. This is not my first Extermination and I don't plan it to be my last one."

Lucifer filled his chest and exhaled as he looked down, to his sugar cookies, sugar cubes and tea, like they were creatures that took a crap right in front of him.

"Fine," said, throwing his head back. "Can I just…" Alastor's tensed up, paralyzed, waiting and prepared for another argument he was more than willing to pull his teeth for. "Can I just ask you to please come back safe?"

Alastor first instinct was to roll his eyes, so that is what he did. He could concede, maybe, that the possibility of his newly acquired husband dying in the streets by angelic justice could be an unplesant thought to have, regardless of how distant they were to one another. An unpleasant thought that was still very much unwarranted considering who he was talking to, but an understandable one nonetheless.

"Like I said, I am not planning to make it my last," affirmed. He shrugged as he reached over for the stripes of bacon, almost as an excuse to not look at the devil. "I will be back like I have been everyday. Your Majesty is worrying over nothing."

"Yeah." Lucifer nodded, grabbing his tea and taking a sip. He swallowed the liquid like it was made of honey entirely, instead of having one single spoonful. "You are not the first to tell me that."

"There you have it. Maybe there is a good reason for it," finished with a satisfied grin, returning to his meal.

The rest of the time they spend it in silence, but Alastor was okay with it. Lucifer seemed back where he felt most comfortable, inside of his mind, and had no further comments to make or pleas for his case. The true concern was when he was done and announced he was heading out to the studio.

He expected Lucifer to insist one more time. He didn't. When Alastor went up to the main doors, he expected to find them closed or that his key didn't work. Both did as always. He took a few steps outside until his feet reached the street and turned back. No barrier or spells was pushing him to return. Lucifer probably knew plenty of ways to force someone to comply with his word and it would cost him nothing to do so.

And yet he didn't. It was like the first time he managed to sleep an entire night at the palace, at last convinced that he was not beign spied or monitored in. Or when he saw that nobody actually kept tabs on him after killing a little servant with an obvious crush on the king. A plesant surprise he truly wasn't expecting.

"Huh" commented to himself. "Well, isn't that neat."

He made his way to the station whistling a happy tune. Above all other buildings, clearly visible for anyone to see, the clock tower marked another minute closer to Extermination.

--

It was indeed like any other day. Some souls trying to finish themselves off, and failing, before the exorcists had any chance in succeding not witshtanding. Alastor had a few comments about it and how there was always a few newer souls that couldn't stand the thought of their demise. Idiots who probably didn't take their first death well in the first place and now were letting themselves become slave of their fear for a second, more permanent one. What there to not laugh about there? Oh, and when they realized that their feeble attempts to claims their lives were useless? That they would only respawn a few minutes later, the grains of sand still marking their doom? The hope that left their faces was absolutely priceless, worth a good guffaw or two. Their naivite was the only thing that made going through that yearly ordeal worth it.

As for entirety of Hell, it was business like usual. Cannibal butcher shops announcing that by tomorrow they were going to be offering a discount for freshly cut meat. Collectors of weapons were sharpening their stealth skills to go grab whatever they could and get the best deals they could from it. The cleaning services that were parading themselves around to clean up their entries or driethroughs, for a more than slightly elevated price. How many vehicles were going to be left with dead drivers? Someone needed to take those huge pieces of metal off the streets and give them a new use. Their wallets were going to need new hands to give them a new purpose. Their shoes, if they weren't destroyed somehow, could be lazily cleaned up and put on sale again.

Apartments were going to be empty. Places of job that were full before. Cubicles. Classrooms, bedrooms. A new space for another to take in. Almost everything was going to be on sale the next day. There was that to looking forward to at least!

Souls who survived genocide were grateful because their miserable existence could keep going and, what better way to make that known that spending whatever money they had in the useless things they didn't need? Money grubby hungry souls who also survived needed their fill just the same as everyone else. They were going to need maybe a few hours to adapt to all the abscences, but no worries, because they always found their rythm back in no time.

Hell was going to keep chewing and spitting out those who were too weak to keep themselves alive. That was never going to change no matter how much Heaven interfered. As long there were sinners, sin would keep existing. The idiots who didn't planned any of their moves ahead, the delusional ones who saw someone far more capable than they ever were, the ignorants who find out at the last second how wrong they were. None of them were never going to make it in their violent, proud ring anyway. Good riddance.

Then new souls would come and they would all learn their places or to carve their own. Until the next years those were eliminated too and they receiving more. So on and so forth, until the end of times. Wasn't that just wonderful?

Alastor kept talking and chatting with the microphone well past the two hours he usually used. After debating with himself silently, he finally decided he was not going to wait until the absolute last moment just to teach a lesson to some arrogant king who probably needed it anyway. He had been placated enough laughing about how stupid were the new security measures that people believed in, some of those more expensive than the houses in which they were being installed at. He could spare some grace. Especially if it was for the sake of enjoying his lunch, a bear he had hunt and delivered to the station. Enough to last him at least two days, some for dinner even.

Coming back to the palace with his package on his tentacles felt weird somehow. It wasn't until he was cutting and putting the respective parts inside of containers that Alastor finally identified what was different. The whole place felt eerily silent and still. Unlike the other days, despite him making time inside of the kitchen, no small imps was coming over to start working on anything. All the dishes were cleaned up. No stove was turned on.

Unless the clock on the wall was broken, someone should be there already. If not for him, to make something for the king. Where was everyone anyway? As he made his way to the hallway, he saw an imp watering a plants in the balcony. It was the first servant he saw since his arrival so he went directly to him, dissolving and reappiring next to the small creature. A surprised yelp accompanied the imp jumping in place. The small creature struggled to catch the watering can so it wouldn't fall and finally hugged it against his chest, splashing himself with the water. Driplets were reaching to the floor as Alastor followed them with an arched eyebrow.

"Y-your Majesty!" said the imp, finally seeing it was him and straighten up. Alastor didn't know how or when or if Lucifer actually broke for staff the news of their surprised marriage, or they just put it together by themselves. One day soon after his moving there, they just started calling him by the title that would correspond to the spouse of king. He couldn't say that he found it displeasing exactly. "Wh-what can I do for you, sir?"

"Where is the king?" asked Alastor, going for calm first. He could have easily asked too where was everyone. "It's lunch time."

"O-oh, your Majesty won't be having lunch" said the imp, lowering the can. "He said he didn't want to be disturbed."

"He said that?" Alastor lifted an eyebrow.

He couldn't be having a temper tantrum because he didn't got his way, did he? Although Alastor couldn't really know that for sure. Maybe the man was that petty and this was the first time he was seeing it by himself. If that was the case, then Lucifer was in for a treat. Nobody was going to go for those childish tricks against him and win. Even if there was nothing concrete to win in the first place.

"Yes, sir. But you can still have lunch like always, your Majesty. I can call the chef to make you anything if you want, sir."

"Where is he?" asked Alastor again, extending his sharp grin.

The little imp swallowed.

"I uh, I think the balcony of the third floor, sir."

"Your think does not work for me here. I want you to confirm where the king is and then take everything necessary so both we can eat together, as couples are ought to do." Alastor inclined himself, still towering over the servant, staring him down until the creature hugged the watering can again, this time for comfort. "That is an order from me and I won't take kindly to being disobeyed. I will be waiting in the kitchen for the rest to arrive. Go."

The imp nodded vigoriously, but seemed frozen in place. A quick flashing of Alastor's demonic form was enough to send him running, gratefully. Alastor turned on his heels back to the where he came from. Tantrum or not, Lucifer was going to have to get over himself already. It was part of their mutual implicit agreement that they would put the effort of sharing those meals, so that is what they were going to do, whether he liked it or not. He had rejected having his fill in Cannibal Town for the sake of honouring their arrengement before. The least Lucifer could do was respond in kind and not let his ego get in the way.

When he arrived at the kitchen, a small group of imps were already there. Alastor told them to prepare whatever is that they were going to have for Lucifer anyway. In the meantime he was going to make his own with the insides of the bear. He could see through his shadow that the imprs exchanged a look between them and then to him. But whatever protest they were planning on giving remained unsaid and finally got to work.

After the pasta was made and the cart full, Alastor gave a butler the sign to take them where Lucifer was. As the little servant had said, Lucifer was on the balcony of the third floor. Alastor saw the door cyrstal doors closed and the curtains moving against it. He went ahead the imps, that seemed hesitant to enter, and opened them up by himself.

"Your Majesty! What a wonderful idea to come here to enjoy our food! You are so very right that a lovely view such as this one should be appreciated!" said loudly, coming inside. Lucifer jolted quickly from the reclinable chair he was at and turned around. He looked so sincerely dumbfounded that Alastor almost let it give him some pause. Instead, he made a gesture for the other imps bringing a table and the other chairs with him. As Alastor walked with them, he noticed that a bottle sitting on the floor neat where Lucifer was at. For a second he thought it was some type of alcohol, until he saw the label and his stomach bubbled up. Chocolate syrup? Oh, that was disgusting. "I hope you didn't ruin your apettite with that, your Highness" said, finally taking seat on his own chair and putting his arms over the table as he was served. "Before it gets cold, your Majesty" added with a little lilt, cracking his neck to a side.

Lucifer stared at the imps who rushed to put everything together. The plate of admitidly delicious good put there. The radio demon that returned his look with a squinting of the eyes, daring him to refuse. At last, accepting there was no other alternative, that nobody was going to move from there, Lucifer let out a sigh and stand up from his place to plop dow in front of Alastor. The moment he did, a butler served him a glass of his favorite juice and bowed. All the servants then went power walking back to the hallway, closing the door behind them.

"You truly have them terrorized," commented Lucifer after a beat of silence, rubbing his face with one hand. "I told them I didn't want anything. You didn't have to do this."

"Nonsense," dismissed Alastor immediately, taking out a napking to put around his neck. "There are very few rules I follow in this place, sir. One of them, I assumed, is that we would spend these times together. I have respected that, so now I hope for you to do the same, regardless of whatever happened this morning."

"That wasn't a rule," said Lucifer, but his voice truly didn't carry the spirit of someone he wanted to argue. He looked down at this plate with less than hungry eyes. "And I don't care about this morning either. You were right. You have lived in Hell all this time and survived may Extermination days on your own. You have a whole life outside of here and I can't really ask you to stop all of it just because. More than I already did, that is" said with a little scoff, gesturing to Alastor's gloved hand.

He had forgotten to take it off, more fixated on the weird atmosphere in the palace. Alastor took it off easily and save it the piece on its usual pocket. He made a little wave with his fingers to stretched them out.

"What is the issue then? Rule or not, it was part of our routine. I do not appreciate sudden changes without at least a good motive."

Lucifer took the fork next to his plate and started revolving the pasta, from one side to another. The devil did not lifted his head as he spoke again.

"I didn't feel like eating."

"But you did felt in the mood for straight chocolate syrup?" Alastor couldn't avoid showing off his dissaproval for that choice of drink. "If it was scotch I could at least respect that."

"It would be the same for me." Lucifer shrugged, still revolving the pasta. "I can't get drunk unless I really put some effort into it. The chocolate syrup at least tastes good."

"Debateable" Alastor huffed as he gave his first bite to his own meal. After a second, seeing as Lucifer was not adding another word, he added. "If you truly don't want to eat, at least stop playing with the food, your Majesty. Last I checked you were not a cat."

Lucifer sighed and stopped moving his fork around. It seemed he debated between making it all go away with magic or just ignored it altogether. In the end, as if resigning himself to the whims of his own body, he took the first bite. That was better now. Alastor hummed somewhat.

It was only when he took his first drink of whine that Alastr realized that this was the closest they have been since he came to the palace. The small garden table that the imps have brought to them didn't leave a lot of space to put much distance between them. Lucifer didn't himself didn't seem to notice or care, his mind already occupied by something else that had nothing to do with that, so Alastor didn't let the thought bothered him either. He had been the one to put them in that situation, after all.

"Can I ask you something?" asked Lucifer suddenly.

Alastor looked up. "Of course."

"When you first came to Hell," started out the devil. He was again revolving the pasta, but this time he lifted his fork full to hang in the air half way through, "what did you think about the Extermination?"

"Mmm, I had just arrived at the end of another one so I saw first hand what was left behind. I didn't fully understand what it was until a while later, though. When I did, I thought that just made sense."

Lucifer stopped from taking the utensil into his mouth and let it fall to the plate again.

"Made sense?" repeated, incredulous.

"Sure. We are the collective of the literal worst of what humanity has to offer, sir. If Heaven does exist, then of course that they would be offended by our continous existence where we can keep indulging in our sins in an even bigger scale that we did while we were alive. If they defend good, whatever versio of that they believe in, then it's only the most logical thing that they would want to destroy evil."

Lucifer left his mouth open for a second, then two, and finally closed it, staring at their table. He drank his glass of juice on its entirety before he could manage to form any words.

"D-do you think that is fair then?" questioned.

"I said it made sense. I didn't say it was fair" clarified Alastor calmly, taking a sip of his glass. "Not all sins or sinners are created the same, sir."

"Yeah, I know." Lucifer scratched the back of his neck, looking at him in a new fascinating way that Alastor had not experienced from the king before. With a glimmer of relief that was as fragile as a bubble, too good to be hold too close. "You aren't angry about it then?"

"Angry?" Alastor chuckled, as if that was some naive idea. "Not at all. I had plenty of time to just learn to accept it as another part of living in Hell, your Majesty. Do I tink that Heaven should probably mind their own business? Of course, as anyone with half a mind would. But why would I waste my time by being mad about it when there is nothing to be done? Now that would be just silly."

Lucifer opened up his mouth again to reply when the sound of bell rippling through the air came first. He turned arond to the balcony and when following him, only then Alastor realized why Lucifer probably had chosen that place to stay in. From that point they could see beyond the garden of the palace, beyond the top of the building, up to the clock tower. Three bells announced the next Extermination as the last portion of sand reached the bottom.

Near the pointy tip, a tear broke the red sky with golden edges. An avalanche of grey and black passed through, so quickly that at a distance it was impossible to discern any solitary shape. Through them all, the reflection on their metalic weapons shined red. He had never seen the entrance of the exorcists from such an angle before. The alone novelty was almost enough to distract him from the small glow that happened just in front of his table. As he gave his attention back to Lucifer, he saw the reason why.

Golden shackles had appeared on both of his wrist. The shiny magical material sparkled and emmitted a faint glow. Lucifer gave a nervous chuckle as he scratched the back of his head.

"Well, I guess there is no point hiding from it now" said. Despite the light tone of his voice, he seemed reticent about meeting with Alastor's gaze. He lifted his hand, as if that was necessary to fully see it. Alastor could see the slight tremble of his hands before he let them fall again to his lap. "This uh… this kinda happens everytime. It's was… part of the deal. I don't intervene as long they spare the hellborn."

Alastor left his hand over the table, seeing the way that magic was still glowing against the fabric of Lucifer's vest. He knew that hellborn were not included in the extermination and he had assumed that would also make sense. What was the point of punishing someone simply for existing in a place where they didn't asked to be born in? It never occured to him that there could be any other concrete reason. That Heaven would need an incentive to not do something so neeedlessly cruel and harsh.

It somehow, up until then, didn't ocurred to him either that the man who would know intimately about that, who would hold any kind of responsability in the whole affair, would be the same one he had been living with in the five months. He looked over to the tower again, but at that point the last exorcists were out and the portal was being closed in again. Where they were at they couldn't hear it, but no doubt the streets were being filled with the sounds of screams, struggle and death. Did Lucifer heard them? He was shrinking on his seat as if that were the case.

"Sorry" said Lucifer, clearing his throat. "I don't think I can eat anymore."

Alastor liked to believe that he could read people well enough. Lucifer until now had been an book shut close with concrete, never letting him see more of what he wanted to show. But it seemed that the existence of that day had turned him into an open book, one where Alastor could read parragraphs of a long story in a quick glance.

He saw that Lucifer wouldn't have the Exterminations to happen at all if he could help it. He saw the shame attached to that notion, one that he could also see was even more evident because of his presence there. The whole reason why Lucifer had gone there instead of facing him at the dinning room.

In a flash he saw line after line of Lucifer trying to keep him inside, not simply out of a modest desire to attempt to keep him alive, but also because if he did end up dead out there, he would take it as his own fault. The why Lucifer looked so exhausted for his negative. The reason of his unrest before they ever exchanged a word.

The king had never been so naked in front of his eyes and Alastor wasn't sure of what to do about that. Anything he tried to say to disuade him of any guilt was going to be too small and inconsequential. Just like Alastor, Lucifer had plenty of time to adapt to what the Exterminations meant, both for Hell and himself. The word of one sinner was never going to be enough to cover all that history.

"Do you mind if I continue?" asked, because that seemed the least he could do.

"Oh, no, please, don't stop on my account." Lucifer pursed his lips and gave him a tiny smile that was supposed to be reassuring. But ended up too short to have any lasting impact, as if it weighted too heavy in his face.

"With your permission." Alastor nodded as he kept eating. He was about to finish when he saw Lucifer lift a hand as if to ask a question, but lowering it again. "Yes, your Majesty?"

"N-no, no, it's okay. It's nothing. I just heard what it would have sound like in my head and I was like, noooo, nope, nope, that is a dick move."

"Well, now I am awfully curious," said Alastor, amused. "It can't be worse than what I say to people to their face in a daily basis," added when Lucifer shook his head. "I assure you that I can take it, your Majesty."

Lucifer closed his eyes for a moment and removed himself on his seat. When he opened them up again to find Alastor's, his face was that of someone that would rather do and be anywhere else than there.

"Did you… ever lost anyone during an Extermination?"

Well, that was certainly unexpected. And much less funny that what Alastor was counting for.

"No" said. Just that one word and the shoulders of Lucifer lumped towards the ground, as if cut by the string that kept them up before. "Those that I consider relevant for me have always know to kept themselves safe, sir. I have no reason to fear for them."

"Consider relevant" repeated Lucifer and chuckled. "That is one way to describe your friends."

Alastor shrugged, not bothering to clarify that friends were rare to come by in Hell. One didn't simply had friends. People gathered allies and constructed carefully made lines of relationships for their own ends. Their marriage merely being the most recent example of that. But he wasn't about the one to tell that to Lucifer.

"Like I said, I never had strong opinions about this day. If they cease to be or continue on, I have no investment on either" said finally as a matter of fact, taking another sip of wine.

Lucifer went for another bite of his food, but that had to have been enough for him because he made the whole plate dissapear with a single snap. He still didn't moved from his seat, letting Alastor to finish as he observed the garden extending under them. After a couple of seconds, however, apparently doing just that with no other distraction at hand was too much to bare and the the king snapped a little notebook in place. Lucifer opened it up in a random page to start doodling on it. It took him a bit to realize that the dark silhuette of Alastor that was in a corner of the page was not a drawing he made, but rather the shadow of the man. With a playful grin, Lucifer draw a halo around the shadow and then some fluffy looking wings coming out its back.

"You have been satisfied now," declared Lucifer.

The shadow smiled on the page and made a pose as if praying with its hand clasped together. Lucifer also laughed as he draw it now with bunny ears and multiple arms around its torse, lifting the book as if to avoid Alastor to see it. Alastor cleared his throat.

"Your Majesty, I hope you are aware of that everything my shadow touches and sees is something I perceive as well" clarified. "It's an extension of my own magic, not a separate entity."

"Oh" Lucifer's flushed face stared at him before a chuckle came through. "I didn't know that."

"I didn't explain it before, so you couldn't know." Alastor shrugged once more.

Lucifer passed to another page of his notebook, but his shadow had other plans. In front of the eyes of the king, the dark figure ran through the pages to make them flip from one side to another, or slipping betweem them to darken the whole page. It was on one of those pages that the shadow suddenly oepned up the whole book and circled something curious. Something that looked to be a duckie, but with Alastor's hair style, ears on the head. That alone was curious for the radio dmeon, but then the way that Lucifer's breath got caught on his throat and looked mortified definitely picked his interest.

"Well, well," said, crossing his legs as he supported his chin on the back of his hand. "What do we have there?"

"Nothing" replied Lucifer quickly, too quickly, closing the whole thing and hold it against his chest. His cheeks coloured themselves on that fine gold that Alastor had only seen the day they met, while Lucifer was confesing he forgot about the condition. "It's just… a drawing I made when I was bored, that is all."

"It's not a bad one," commented Alastor, "although if you truly want to capture my essence, you forgot my monocle. I didn't see my antlers either."

Lucifer blushed more intensively than before.

"My shadow saw a lot of duckies in there," continued commenting Alastor, absolutely not about to let his entertainment died down now that he finally found it. "I know that artists tend to gravitate towards certain themes, but I will admit my surprise. Why ducks?"

"You don't…" Lucifer swallowed up, gripping his notebook as if someone could threaten to take it away. "It's nothing. Just an easy thing to make. It relaxes me."

"Your Majesty, with all due respect, I do not believe that is the whole story," Alastor chuckled as his shadow made the sillhouete of that duckie over the table, quacking from one of the table to another, like a dark target for shooting practice. Lucifer followed their movement and something in his face instantly soften up. "If you do ever want to finish that sketch, wouldn't be a lot easier to have your model in front? Although what do I know, right? I am not an artist like you, sir," added with a grin, knowing full well the struggle that was painted all across Lucifer face.

He also knew what side was going to win when he ate the last piece of his meal and could send the plate back to the kitchen.

"Would you mind?" said Lucifer, lifting his eyes with a hesitant sense of hope. An already cracked one, as if already assuming the negative was the more likely outcome. "I was… maybe thinking into doing one for you. If you wanted."

"One what?" asked Alastor, somehow suspecting that it wasn't about a drawing anymore he was talking about.

Lucifer had said that it was easier to explain if he went to his office with him and it was. Just like it was easy to see for Alastor that office had an extremely liberal usage of that word attached to it. There was a desk, yes, that looked like it could have belonged on the office of someone serious. But instead of important papers, books or materials of that manner, it had a bunch of duckies around paints and brushes inside of mugs. The same ones with designs of yellow ducks everywhere because of course they were.

For the time Alastor was inside of a space that he wasn't allowed into before, and all he could think about was that was definitely not how he could have ever imagined it to look like. Lucifer stood in the middle of his room, playing with his fingers as he let him take all in.

"It's weird, isn't it?" were the first words he said when Alastor was still not able to form any.

As he struggled to think anything, Alastor turned to a side when he thought he recognized something. The shelf on his side had a bunch of duckies accomodated in two different rows. They were all the same essential shape and size, but had different outsides, hair and colors to stand out.

The one that had caught the curiosity of Alastor had been one with a rubber flamme around the head, with two darker faces smiling. That was clearly supposed to represent the embodiment of Lust. He could vaguely recognize Greed and Sloth, but the others he had to assume they were the other sins. Then there were others he couldn't recognize at all.

"I… I like to make those for friends and family" explained Lucifer. Alastor haven't even noticed when he was standing close to him. Lucifer chuckled with a shrug. "They usually like it."

"When you offered to make me one, that is what you were talking about?"

Lucifer nodded.

"Again, if you want to" insisted, like it was some kind of imposition that Alastor could have a huge opposition to.

But truth be told, he found no reason to reject the offer, in the same way he saw no problem with creating that routine to eat three meals of the day with Lucifer. It cost him absolutely nothing of value and he would have to be an idiot to not see that, as small of an act it was for Alastor, it had an actual meaning for Lucifer.

That alone was more than enough motivation to accept, even if he didn't have the words of Rosie floating around in his head about getting involved in the same interests as Lucifer. If that is what it took to Lucifer finally opened up a little and talk to him, so Alastor finally could learn who he was dealing with, then Alastor could do it.

"With one condition," said, lifting one red tipped finger. Lucifer perked up at his words, ready to accept. "You have to tell me why ducks. Out of every creature that has ever existed in creation, there has to be a reason."

It was like his words had opened up a door at the bottom of the ocean. Lucifer told him the reason why. All thousands of reasons why that were mixed in with his own personal judgement all poured all over Alastor without any filter or control on. He had never seen the king more animated by anything in all the months they had known each other, more willing to keep talking without needing any prompting. The contrast between the distant king at the head of the table who avoided his question and this new person, who couldn't wait to dump all his information on him, were the true dychotomy of Heaven and Hell in one person. The extermination haven't happened in the universe where this Lucifer came from.

After a very long time, in which Alastor also realized he haven't had the chance to say a single word of his own, Lucifer suddenly stopped himself. He closed his mouth and took a step back as if his words had been a touch that was now too close for comfort.

"Sorry, I-I don't know what got into me," tried to laugh it off the king. "I must have been boring you this entire time."

"Not at all" said Alastor and he too was surprised when he realized that it was true.

He wasn't going to retain not even a 40% of everything Lucifer had said about ducks or the history of duckies, but the metamorphosis that had happened in front of his eyes was fascinating all the same. The only thing he could think off that could cause an approximate level of enthusiasm on himself was his own love for the medium of radio. Even then, he couldn't imagine himself getting lost in a rambling in quite the same way. But there was an honest passion there and, regardless of the subject matter, he was curious about seeing more of it.

"Okay, buddy" scoffed Lucifer with a half grin and a shrug, not believing him but appreciating the words all the same.

He made a gesture towards a chair on the corner, where an easel for paintings and other instruments that would be related remained in another table. Nearby some wooden puppets, with their details still left to do, were hanging from the wall and smiled as Alastor sat down.

"Isn't modeling a kind of labor too, your Majesty?" asked, crossing his arms. His ear twitched at the sound of Lucifer's pencil over the paper, drawing from another chair. "Surely you don't expect me to offer my good looks for free."

"Sure. What do you want?" asked Lucifer.

From the corner of his eyes Alastor saw him sticking out his tongue to the corner of his mouth. He quickly threw a glance over him and immediately went down to his drawing, not realizing or not caring for the watchful eyes of his shadow peeking over his shoulder. Lucifer's hand worked remarkably quick, making both light and harder lines with the same confidence. The king was on his element.

"One date could suffice" said.

The moment the two words came out of his mouth, Lucifer's hand pressed too hard on the paper. The tip of the pencil broke off and fell to the floor. Alastor now fully turned to him. That wasn't at all the kind of reaction that he was expecting.

"Your Majesty?"

Lucifer blinked hard and lifted his gaze. If his skin wasn't already so pale, going by his expression alone some would say that he was going paler.

"Sorry, I zoned out. What did you say?"

"I was asking for a date in exchange for my services" said, lifting his hand to the back of the seat he was in, making sure it was the hand with his wedding band. "I suppose that we should be having one of those sooner or later."

"Oh. Right. Sure, that makes sense." Lucifer took a breath and retained it for a second before letting it go. He closed his notebook and put it aside. Tapping on his knees with his fingers, Alastor felt unusally patient as he waited for Lucifer to speak up. Today had been discovery after discovery about the man he was married. What difference did it made add one more to the pile? His restraint was compensated when Lucifer raised himself from his chair and brought it closer to Alastor's. "I… I guess I should have tell you this before, but I honestly didn't think you wanted to do any of that."

"I changed my mind" replied Alastor with a shrug. He could have said that he had no clue of what Lucifer wanted, expected or even was willing to take from Alastor or their relationship because the man haven't given him not even a trace of a hint. To have one date just seemed like the bare minimum to start finding out.

"Yeah, I was afraid of that." Lucifer sighed again, rubbing one hand against his temple. "Listen, I… it's not that is a bad idea or anything, it's just that I can't."

Alastor lifted his hand, palm up, in a silent request to ask what the hell was he talking about.

"What is that supposed to mean? Do you have other husband that you can't risk seeing me with? Because if not, your Majesty, you will be hard pressed to convince me there is a good reason at all why a date is impossible."

"No, nothing like it. It's… it's me. I can't." Lucifer let his arms hung in front of him. "Why do you think you have never see me outside of the palace? No public appareances, no events, nothing? I can't get out of the palace as easily as you can. I get like… I don't know how to explain it, I guess they are like heart attacks? I get all anxious and I can't breath and I teleport back to home before I can decide to do anything else about it. The houses of the other rings are different because I know them all, but if it's anywhere else outside of the palace I won't be able to. I-I-I am really sorry," added Lucifer, closing his eyes briefly with a display of shame that bothered Alastor almost more than his words did.

There he was, the embodiment of pride himself. The king of all of Hell. The most powerful being he had ever met, openly admiting in front of him that he couldn't do something as simple as getting out of his own home. That he became practically useless the moment he tried to. This man could kill him as easily as a blink and yet, had the audacity of carrying on such a quality with him instead of shreading it off.

Worst than all, he didn't even thought that could be a relevant piece of information that Alastor would like to know before deciding to spend five months into their marriage.

"I am sorry" said Lucifer in the resulting silence. "I should have known that was never going to be ideal for you too. If you want I can sign the papers right now."

That made Alastor's neck to crack on the speed it took to look at him again. Fuck that. He had spend way too much time and effort already to let it all crumble into nothing. He hadn't even made a single deal yet because this guy didn't leave him any possibility. To let this… inconvience to ruin it all was out of the question. No matter how useless this king was, he was still a king with a lot of power to offer and Alastor would be damned twice before letting his opportunity slip between his fingers like that.

"Don't be ridiculous" said with a sneer. He made a dismissive hand wave. "We don't need to go anywhere to have a date. We could have it at the garden of the palace no problem. There is plenty of space there for us to do whatever we want."

Lucifer stared at him.

"Seriously?" questioned with a slight frown.

"Does it look like I am joking" replied Alastor, glaring back. "I won't deny that I would liked to know this beforehand. You are entirely right to apologize for that. But now that I know, the only thing left to do is to find ways to make it work regardless. Lucky for us both, you have a big enough area that can offer enough options. We don't need to be restricted to the same place if we don't want to."

Lucifer stayed in silence for a long time, considering.

"Are you sure?" asked finally.

"That depends" said Alastor, squinting his eyes. "Is there any other little secret you didn't thought to tell me before that I really should know about?"

"Uh, I can't think of anything else." Lucifer's eyes explored the ceiling, searching on the crevices of his memory. In the end, he shook his head. "No, nothing. That was the big one."

"Then I can work with that." Alastor let out a sigh. He returned his gaze to the man, who now looked so small on top of his chair like he didn't know what else to do. "I will be the one cooking," added in a tone that did not admit argument.

Lucifer at least was wise enough to know not to offer any.

[heyhabibi]

Grateful rant

Todays my first real day off since my birthday in September, and I was just talking about it with one of my friends over coffee, and I haven’t really realized how hectic my life was till now.

Imma rant real quick

I have two jobs outside of being a grad student, a grad student professor, being in 3 clubs, and doing research.

I wake up Sunday -Thursdays at 4 am, to get to work at 530, I’m usually off at 2 sometimes I’m there till 3, (I manage a coffee shop)

My other job I fit in when I can but I work it four hours Monday, Wednesdays from home.

Tuesdays and Thursdays I have class from 6pm-10pm

Fridays i wake up at 5 am to go commute two hours to go teach 2 classes, attend a class, attend a club meeting, and attend a research advisory meeting

By the time my Fridays are over I either stay at one of my friends houses or if I’m lucky I book a hotel (if I don’t tell my friends I’m coming out) but since we teach at the same uni we see each other and they end up coming to my hotel to go out or just to hang out, which isn’t too bad.

Saturday I wake up at 7 am, that’s sleeping in for me. I really pack that day full until 6-8 pm where I end up driving 2 hours home to other spend time with my family or just go to bed

All this and I train and run for marathons, try dating, go to therapy, and try spending time with friends and family

Sometimes a week goes by and I have no fathom to what’s happened

But this week, this week I woke up Thursday, gave myself a half day, didn’t have class, or grading, or a deadline. Hit the gym, played 6 hours of video games, slept till 10 am on Friday, did essentially the same thing on Friday, slept till 8 am on Saturday, and now I’m typing all this in the bathtub while I deep condition my hair.

Y’all I’ve been so tired. But seeing what my family in Palestine goes through, what my friends in Syria are celebrating, how my friends in Lebanon are surviving, I have nothing but gratitude for my hectic life .

This life is perfect

[wisewomanonce]

"From Darkness to Light: A Journey of Healing and Hope"

Mental health—a phrase we all know so well in today’s world. Depression. Anxiety. OCD. Anger. Words that flow so easily, yet hide such heavy truths. But when I was younger, those words didn’t exist in my world. Where I’m from, seeing a therapist was for people with “real problems.” Worry and sadness were just parts of life—nothing to fix, nothing to ask for help with.

Growing up, I don’t remember anyone asking me how I felt, how I was carrying the weight of unspoken grief or unseen pain. As a child, I cared deeply—too deeply, perhaps—for many things. I devoured books, studied parenting long before I ever had children, hoping to anticipate every stage of motherhood. I thought I had everything figured out.

By the time I had my first teenager, I had six other children: ages 14, 12, 10, 8, 4, 2, and a newborn. I thought I had prepared for everything. But when my oldest daughter’s life veered far from the path I had laid out for her, fear, worry, and grief overwhelmed me. I had done everything “right”—I thought I had controlled the outcome. But when things unraveled, the realization that I had no control, no answers, shattered me. It was a dark, heavy season.

My young marriage began to crack, and the people around me were just as broken as I was. I retreated from the few friendships that were still healthy. Embarrassment and shame kept me isolated. I didn’t understand how I—someone so full of hope, someone who thought she was doing everything right—had ended up here. My entire identity was wrapped up in being a good mother. It was who I was. It was all I knew. But my teenagers were pushing against the very control I thought would protect them.

I didn’t handle this season well. Instead of leaning on God, I turned to things that only numbed the pain. I smoked half a pack of cigarettes a day, drank alcohol to quiet my racing mind. I tried to escape the life I had built, a life I no longer recognized. I clung to control like it was my lifeline, trying to manage every detail, searching desperately for some stability. Years went by, but nothing got better. The sober moments only made the heaviness feel worse.

My mind became consumed with the thought of how to fix everything—how to get my kids back on the path I envisioned for them. The harder I tried to control, the more they rebelled. Eventually, I couldn’t fight anymore. I wanted to give up. Nothing worked, and hopelessness began to take root.

I worked non-stop—sometimes two jobs, 70 hours a week—while raising seven kids. I was exhausted. Mentally, physically, emotionally drained. My mind raced in a constant state of panic. For years, this was my life.

I knew my children needed me, so taking my life didn’t feel like an option. But as time wore on, the enemy whispered lies—maybe they’d be better off without me. Maybe letting go would finally bring me peace.

The darkness became unbearable. I believed the lie. I tried to take my life. By God’s grace, I survived. That moment was the turning point. I sought help. I found a therapist. I was diagnosed with major depressive disorder, generalized anxiety disorder, panic disorder, social anxiety, and insomnia. I was prescribed a cocktail of medications to help me sleep, wake up, focus, and pretend to be “happy.”

For seven long years, I fought a battle I didn’t even know I was fighting. I thought it was just the normal struggle of life—seven kids, a full-time job, a marriage. Of course, life was hard. But even after starting medication, the intrusive thoughts never stopped. I would stop taking the pills to see if they’d go away. They never did.

Then one day, my daughter invited me to a prophetic church conference. “Come expecting miracles,” she said. Desperate for a breakthrough, I prayed, “God, where are You? Fix my brain. Heal my mind. Heal me.” And He did.

From that day forward, I was healed. No more medications. The diagnoses that once defined me—gone.

I share this testimony because I know what it’s like to fight the battles no one sees. Mental health struggles may look different for each of us, but the enemy’s tactics are the same.

In John 10:10, Jesus reminds us: “The thief comes only to steal and kill and destroy; I have come that they may have life, and have it to the full.”

When I lost the only identity I had ever known and isolated myself from the church—without leadership, without discipleship—the enemy nearly succeeded in destroying me. He stole my joy, killed my hope, and destroyed my peace. And don’t think he hasn’t tried to take my identity again or make me worry over things God has already claimed victory over, because he has.

But now, I know who I am. I know where my help comes from. I stand firm in my true identity in Christ. My circumstances haven’t drastically changed—I’m still raising kids (now eight, including three teenagers), and I still don’t have control over much. But I’ve learned to trust God with everything.

If you’re struggling, know this: there are ways to fight back. There is scripture, there is therapy, there is practical help. You are not alone. And there is hope.

[meetinginsamarra]

Rest

for today’s prompt “Rest” by @notjustamumj

@lisbeth-kk @calaisreno @raina-at

You’ve all been so fast with filling today’s prompt! I reblogged them all around noon and had not written a single word for this. So much for increasing pressure... To be fair, I’ve completed chapter 4 of my casefic WIP and have already written for 2 hours this day. And nearly another one for this ficlet.

----

Rest

Sherlock as good as stumbled out of the train. He had gotten several hours of distance between himself and Tarek Saleh’s henchman in Istanbul after taking the first available train that left from Pendik station this night.

He was exhausted, bone-tired and his body was aching everywhere. The broken ankle throbbed with the fires of hell and yelled at him every time it had to support Sherlock’s body weight.

Still, he felt lucky that he had escaped the weapon dealer at all. Sherlock had successfully avoided to get shot, to break his neck, to get shot again and to get crushed by heavy rubbish bags.

People on the train had looked at him suspiciously. He had stood out like a sore thumb, crammed into the farthest possible corner of the non-subdivided passenger compartment. He knew that he looked like rubbish and smelled like he had taken a bath in it.

Which he literally had. His escape by getting literally dumped into the hopper of a bin lorry had been a close call, Saleh’s goons had already come very close to the skip where Sherlock had hidden.

Apparently, the stench of rotten food had soaked too deep into his skin and hair to be scrubbed away by the quick wash he had gotten in the dumpsite’s maintanance building. He had discarded his soiled clothes and stole one of the grey boiler suits but he still reeked.

His battered face and wild hair did nothing to make him presentable and he had no cap to hide the disaster. Also, his broken finger was set with an – in lack of a better word – interesting construction made of ice lolly sticks and duct tape.

Sherlock desperately needed to get access to his emergency funds, get medical supplies for his wounds, get new clothes, get practically everything else he needed to carry on hunting down Moriarty’s web.

But first of all, he needed to sleep. In the half delirious state he was in, he was prone to making mistakes and mistakes meant certain death.

Sherlock hobbled out of the Antalya’s busy train station and caught a bus that would bring him to the coast where all the tourist hotels were located. It would be quiet there this time of the year and Sherlock planned on breaking into one of the uncharitable concrete blocks that housed dozens of holiday flats.

Getting access without getting caught was tedious but he managed by using the last dregs of strength he could muster.

The flat was cold and dark with the shutters firmly closed. It smelled damp and dusty but to Sherlock it seemed like heaven. He sighed with relief when he discovered that the water had not been turned off. The shower was cold but refreshing nonetheless and he used the small rest of a forgotten bottle of shower gel to clean himself. He tore down the curtains in the living room area, using one as a towel and wrapping himself firmly in the other one. It would be enough to keep him warm and then, finally, he could let himself fall onto the bare mattress of the king-size bed.

Tomorrow, he would think about tomorrow. He had survived today, yet another day to keep John safe. But now he would rest.

---

This could be placed at the end of chapter 13 in my Whumptober fic “Learn My Scars” when Sherlock tells John about what had happened to him in Istanbul.

[capriciouscaprine]

GOOD morning!!! (numbersss)

feeling a bit wiped after two days in a row of not enough sleep; gonna try to come home and go straight to bed tonight (plzzz)

this morning's breakfast was my usual coffee and a larger than usual yogurt with berries and granola, so we're calling that 250

I actually have packed another yogurt bowl for my 2nd breakfast at my internship!! (it's 4+ hours after I've had regular breakfast, and lunch is another 4+ hours after that) this is my first time doing that; I just haven't felt secure in knowing when I was eating and having the wherewithal to plan ahead, but I'm happy that I'll have something filling and nutritionally well-rounded; I'll be having that with a coffee, so a tidy 250 again

after action report from yesterday's honestly somewhat manic eating: I need to be prepared with a warm, filling, high-protein, comforting meal before I work on budgeting or planning my meals before I go shopping on my limited budget; clearly, it kicks off feelings of deprivation, and the obvious maladaptive self-soothing behavior that follows is eating snack after snack to reassure myself that there is plenty of everything

I'm not gonna focus on it to talk about my previous experiences that led to this pattern bc I'll probably end up back in that cycle when I'm not prepared for it, but it's enough to say I went through some even tougher times before, and I survived them and now I'm here!!

also, being stressed also brings out that manic feeling of wanting a snack; honestly just going to my classes makes me feel that way?? (I've never been diagnosed with mania in any form so don't have any actual experience with it, so please excuse my using it as an honest descriptor for how I have felt on those rare occasions); again, I clearly need to build in opportunities to sate those feelings, bc fighting them seems to make me feel overstimulated instead (all the warning lights going off in my brain and I have to fight off doing the things that would satisfy them like having a sweet or crunchy snack?? nope, that drives me even more nuts)

being prepared for these things would also be good for my wallet, since I can pre-budget for a specific meal in terms of both c's and $'s

ultimately, the constant snacks WEREN'T satisfying, bc what needed satisfying was feeling uncertain/insecure/unsafe; a solid meal that I could savor would have helped more, in part bc I could have taken that time to slow down and address the actual underlying feelings instead of seeking, finding, unwrapping, consuming, and repeating

ultimately, it wasn't too terrible a day to have consumed more c's on: I did a lot of walking around at work, plus hefted grain and concrete bags, and just in general used my muscles a lot, so hopefully a decent amount got used up; if today weren't going to be a long day at my internship, I'd see about jumping on the treadmill to use a few more, but as it is I'll see about doing that tomorrow after work

oh! I had one of those moments where someone was about to throw themself onto an unpleasant task just bc I looked too tiny to manage it!!

I had to grab more concrete from the store, and the way they were stocked honestly sucked, but I managed to roll the two 60 pound bags I needed down off the self and set them into my cart, and as I was dusting myself off, a man in a clean, professional outfit (not a suit but like what contractors wear, the tucked in embroidered company shirt and relaxed workman's khakis type) had come down the aisle and stopped and asked if I was alright and if I needed any help!

this man could not more clearly have wanted to avoid being covered in concrete dust, but he also seemed to not be able to help himself in asking if the person lifting bags that were approximately half of themself (I'm almost there!!!) could use a hand

even my mom has been sort of pausing to watch me after she asks my to something physically intensive (she has some health problems so it's safer for her to not do those things, even though she still wants to); she's a very 'women are strong and can do anything on their own!!!' person, which is cool when you choose that for yourself, but as a mom that meant she expected me (eldest 'daughter', even tho I'm nonbinary) to do everything, which meant spending more time working than getting to goof off and be a kid as early as the end of elementary school

losing muscle mass and becoming less physically capable is actually super freeing for me; no, I don't need to renovate my house all by myself or manage a full garden or whatever, I can focus on my career and use the money I make there to pay for a professional to do it for me; I don't have to handle everything by myself without complaint, I can ask for and even expect people to offer to help; sure, there are drawbacks (cat litter...), but I know I can rebuild those muscles later; for now, I am excited by the possibility of not being able to lift heavy things and even openly struggling with them, especially in front of someone who has encouraged the idea that smaller = healthier

[null-whump]

HELLO everyone I did not edit this AT ALL and I am in SEVERE PAIN but by GOD I finished it and here it is for you to read!! and enjoy!! and comment on!!!!! and maybe the next update won't take so fucking long!!! great!!!!!!

(it was also supposed to be longer than this but I know that if I put it off anymore it'll be two months before I post anything at all)

Ace and Hunter Masterlist

Warnings: Forced domesticity, collaring/muzzling, mentions of past torture, abuse, brief strangulation/choking, restraints

-----------------------------------

Tick. Tick. Tick. Tick.

Why did people say ‘tick-tock’ for a clock sound? All Ace could hear was the same tick, tick, tick, tick, tick, over and over and over and over. Maybe some clocks were different than others. Maybe Hunter’s clock was just boring.

Your clock. You picked that one out, remember?

Ace clenched his jaw.

Remember? You said you wanted an old clock that you could wind up that would chime on the hour, so you went to an antique shop and found that one. Remember? Remember how you picked it because you thought Hunter would like the little wooden bird carving on the top?

Tick. Tick. Tick.

“This is stupid,” Ace muttered.

The sound of his own voice startled him. It had been so silent in the house, all day, while he waited for Hunter to get home from work. It didn’t help that he was chained to the floor in the living room, just out of reach of any furniture. He had been there since eight in the fucking morning. He had tried to keep his mind occupied. Ace had learned the first time that Hunter left him chained down that trying to pull the chains free was useless and would only make his hands hurt. He also learned that pacing in the very little room that he could made the cuffs chafe at his ankles. He didn’t stop though, because day after day after day of mind-numbing boredom made him prefer any distraction.

Distraction from the manacles around his legs, distraction from the injuries burning and itching under the bandages, distraction from the collar digging into his throat –

Tick. Tick. Tick. Tick. Tick.

That stupid fucking clock. Ace glared at it. 4:56, it told him, unfazed. That meant Hunter would be home soon. Then he would unchain Ace from the living room and chain him back up in the kitchen where he would make dinner and then if he was lucky, Ace would get half a meal from the scraps Hunter served him from his plate. Then Ace would clean up dinner and Hunter would do whatever the fuck Hunter did until he decided to put Ace back in the basement for the night. At least he had a blanket now. And a pillow – and Hunter had started leaving the chains off two weeks ago.

Ace nearly laughed. He had been sleeping in a basement for nearly two months. But hey, at least he had a fucking blanket.

The clock whirred and began chiming for 5 o’clock. Ace sighed. At least he knew that Hunter wouldn’t take out his knives today. He always gave Ace at least two days of rest between ‘sessions’, and yesterday Hunter had been…more enthusiastic than usual. Ace shuddered at the memory, the bandaged wounds on his arms flaring up. He could probably count on three days, maybe four. As long as he didn’t fuck up a rule or something.

Ace heard the door swing open and scrambled to his knees. The burst of adrenaline that accompanied the sound of Hunter’s footsteps made his heart race, no matter how many times he heard it. Ace placed his hands on his knees and took a deep steadying breath as Hunter entered the room.

‘Just say it, you’ve said it dozens of times, it doesn’t mean anything it’s just words it doesn’t make you weak it’s just a part of surviving –’

“Welcome home, sir.”

Hunter reached down and ruffled his hand through Ace’s hair. “How was your day, raindrop?”

‘The same as it always is, fucker.’

“It was fine, sir.”

“Really?” Hunter smiled. “You weren’t bored, then?”

‘You fucking know I was.’

“…A little, sir.”

Hunter made a ‘hmm’ sound in the back of his throat. He hooked his finger under Ace’s collar and tugged on it, pulling Ace to his feet.

“How would you like me to start leaving you unchained while I’m away?”

Ace’s heart skipped a beat. “I – I would like that, sir.”

Hunter leaned down until his face was inches away from Ace, who struggled to keep from flinching back. “Really? You wouldn’t take the opportunity to try to run away, then?”

Ace’s mouth was dry. “N-no, sir.”

A blatant lie, of course. And yet, Ace dared to hope that Hunter would believe it. He had been so good lately, so carefully, painfully obedient, all for the tiniest chance that Hunter would give him enough freedom to escape. He only needed a little bit, a tiny bit of leeway, just enough to contact someone – Fay, the police – anyone, really, and this nightmare would be over.

Hunter tilted his head. “Just how stupid do you think I am, Ace? Do you really think I can’t tell when you’re lying to me?”

“I – I wasn’t –”

Hunter’s hand was around Ace’s throat faster than he could blink, and the rest of his sentence was cut off as he was forced to struggle for air.

“Why don’t you think very carefully about your next words,” Hunter said softly. “I’m giving you every opportunity to do the right thing, Ace. Don’t be an idiot.”

His grip loosened minimally, enough for Ace to take in a thin breath of air. Enough for him to speak. Ace’s head spun. What was worse? To lie, when Hunter would never believe him, or to tell the truth and face whatever punishment Hunter decided to dole out?

“I…” Ace faltered, barely able to get any sound past the fear clogging his throat. He steeled his nerves and made his decision. “I – I lied,” he choked out. “I’m…I’m sorry, sir.” His stomach twisted with the knowledge that he was giving Hunter exactly what he wanted, but he was almost too afraid to care.

Hunter let go of Ace’s throat, and he nearly fell forward, gasping in relief.

“Rule number one,” Hunter said, and Ace shivered at the unsettling calmness of his voice.

“…Don’t lie to you, sir.”

Hunter considered him for a moment. “I’m going to show you exactly how useless it would be to try to run, but first…” he lowered the bag slung over his shoulder and reached into it. “I had a feeling I would need this today.”

He pulled out his hand, and with it, a black cloth contraption that flashed with metal clasps. Ace’s pulse skyrocketed, because he knew immediately what it was. Hunter smirked at the panic evident on Ace’s face.

“W-wait – please, I’ll be quiet, don’t –”

Hunter silenced him with a slap across his face, hard enough to make Ace’s eyes water. “Quit complaining, unless you want it to stay on longer.”

Ace flinched and shut his mouth. He forced himself to stay still, aside from his trembling, while Hunter secured the muzzle around his face. It wasn’t that the muzzle was even the worst punishment Hunter could dole out, and Ace knew, logically, that he should be grateful he wasn’t getting something worse. It was the awful, unavoidable humiliation of wearing that thing on his face, and Hunter’s insufferably smug face looking down at him like he was a fucking dog, that made Ace want to shrivel up and die.

But he had stopped fighting it, because he knew better now. He knew what happened when he fought Hunter, just like he knew what happened when he tried to take the collar off, and he knew what happened when he wasn’t waiting to greet Hunter properly when he returned home each evening. Ace was smarter now, that’s all. He wasn’t fucking afraid.

Hunter undid the restraints around Ace’s ankles and pulled him to his feet.

“Do you think, raindrop, that I would let you wander around the house freely, with no limitations in place?” Hunter asked. As he spoke, he curled one arm around Ace’s shoulders in a too-tight embrace and guided him across the room.

Ace didn’t think Hunter wanted him to respond, and he didn’t want to risk angering him by shaking his head (an act that could too easily be seen as defiance), so he kept still and allowed himself to be pulled to the window, which had curtains pulled across it. Hunter pushed them aside, while keeping Ace well to the side. Not taking any chances on someone seeing him from the street, Ace realized.

“See this?” Hunter drew Ace’s attention to the window, tapping his finger against the glass.

Ace looked, and his heart sank as he felt another little piece of hope for an escape whither away. Inside the window frame had been reinforced with sets of crossing metal bars – inconspicuous enough that they wouldn’t stand out while leaving no room for a person to fit through.

Hunter leaned down so that his mouth was next to Ace’s ear. “All the windows in the house are like this,” he said softly, and his breath on Ace’s skin made his stomach turn. “Every door locks from the outside, and last I checked, I have the only key.” He tightened his grip on Ace’s arm until Ace was sure it would bruise. “Am I forgetting anything, raindrop? Any other way you could sneak your way out of here?”

Even without the question being posed, Ace’s mind was racing to think of something, anything that Hunter had missed, but he was coming up hopelessly short. The house wasn’t very large, and there were only so many ways in or out.

Hunter chuckled lightly. “Didn’t think so.” He finally released Ace’s shoulders and pulled the curtain back in front of the window, cutting off the sunlight. “Now, I’m hungry.”

Tears stung Ace’s eyes and he almost tripped with the loss of Hunter’s support. He stood trembling, trying to regain his wits, for just a moment too long – a cuff to the back of his head from Hunter forced him to stumble forward and shake himself out of his daze.

Dinner was a silent affair. Hunter was gracious enough to remove the muzzle and spare Ace a few scraps of his dinner, and Ace chose to stay quiet in hopes of the muzzle staying off.

His good behavior was rewarded when Hunter stashed the muzzle in a kitchen drawer instead of putting it back on Ace. Then Hunter turned to him with a smile that promised nothing good, and Ace found himself wondering if maybe he’d prefer the muzzle after all.

“Unfortunately, the security cameras I bought are on backorder,” he began. “Luckily for you, I trust my security measures enough to leave you to roam around free while I’m away.” 

Ace tried to ignore the sick feeling that was twisting in his stomach.

“Until they arrive, I’ll expect you to tell me how you spent your day when I return home every night.” Hunter placed a hand on the back of Ace’s neck and began guiding him toward the living room. “Of course, you’ll have limits on where you can go and what you can do, and you’ll be punished if you disobey. I’ll tell you before I leave each morning if you’ll be allowed to eat, and how much, and so on.”

They had reached the couch, and Hunter sat down, pulling Ace down beside him. Ace tensed but managed to force himself not to resist when Hunter gently pulled Ace’s head down to rest in his lap. He shut his eyes and tried to ignore Hunter’s fingers combing through his hair.

“How about we practice?” Hunter said. His hand stroked through Ace’s hair. “Tell me about your day.”

--------------------------

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@whumpshaped @whatwasmyprevioususername @yesthisiswhump @darkwarfy @towhumpornottowhump @villainsvictim @2day4u-2morrow4me @there-will-always-be-blood @onlyhappywhenitpains @wherethehurtis

[library--fairy]

A year has passed, can you believe it?

On June 4, 2023, my brother had a cardiac arrest and survived. The hospital was about an hour and a half drive away from where I live. So imagine, a year ago today, I was racing down the highway with Jon to get to my brother as quickly as possible, not knowing if he would ever wake up, when half way there we got a flat tire. We had to circle back and borrow my mom's truck and we raced back out again. My brother woke up a day later, and he was so precious, and funny, and most importantly, alive.

It's been a year now and I have learned to grow around the grief of almost losing him... but gosh, June was so hard. I dropped everything to stay with him for a month to be a full time caretaker (I had 400 hours of sick leave so if that says anything about me taking care of myself, well, you would be right.) And during that time, taking care of him, I started to realize how little I left for myself. He started to hold me accountable for that too. My favorite was always the middle of the night medication when I brought him some fruit, we'd eat it together, and then I would help him back into bed. Every night, he told me that he was already starting to feel better, and it really showed day by day. It felt really nice to be responsible and trusted.

A lot of things were hard last summer but there were also plenty of bright moments, like trying to be quiet when he was sleeping while playing games with the lovely people who checked up on us, or hugging him when he had nightmares (like he used to do for me when we were young). And when his fiance returned home, and it was time for me to go back home, across the bridge, past the place where we got the flat tire, and unfortunately get back to work, I knew he was doing well. Seeing someone heal right in front of your eyes is one of the most magical things you can ever behold, and even better if you get to be part of it.

A few months later there was some Family Drama TM, can you believe it? After all that, you'd think it wouldn't be that way. But that's the ebb and flow of things. There's a lot from last year that was the absolute worst ever, but it also opened my eyes about the way I was living. I'm grateful to have come out of that time a little stronger and surrounded by the most precious, funny, loving people.

[moonstonehailstorm]

Just get up. Don't sleep again, get up and start the day. Get out of bed and go. It's that easy... But I can't. And I can't be late again. Why is it so hard?

One hour. One hour is enough. More than enough. What took me three hours yesterday to go out of the house? I wasn't even sleepy... Was I? I can't remember. Did I sleep just 5 hours? 4? I know my sleeping habits are awful. It took me three hours to get out of my house. I wish I could call sick...

Is this happening too often? Am I losing or gaining something? I'm aware I can't deal with a lot of stuff right now.

You can do this because you've done it before. You can't escape people and this is what you chose. It's your fault: you chose this. Maybe this time was your biggest mistake. Oh, you know the red flags where there... Oh, are you gonna complain about life decisions again? For how long you've been stuck in the same stupid cycle...?

Maybe that's it. Maybe that's why making art and music is painful. It helps but it's painful. It's a window to another life that won't be, and never was.

Are you really starting this again??? Shut up...

I've been dragging this feeling for two days. Three, maybe. Today, I'm forcing myself to go out.

I must hurry up. I have one hour. One hour is more than enough. Today I have a long day ahead. It's going to be stressful, I know that already. The only thing I have to do is arrive on time. I can do it because I' ve done it before... Then, why is it so hard? It almost feels like being paralyzed.

Three days dragging whatever the hell this is. I'm tired. And I hate this. I want to scream. I'm trying to catch a shadow that's constantly behind me, or maybe it's in front of me, but it's too dark to see it. I'm so desperate to find what's evading me...

Half an hour has passed. Time works strange. It's never in your favor when you need it the most. Three days that feel like an eternity against one hour that can't be stopped at least for a little.

Buckle up, it's gonna be a long day.

Don't complain. Stop complaining and making everyone miserable around you. You're a dark halo of awful energy expanding with every word you spit out. You are here to help others, not to be helped. You're not going to start again, you're in this situation over and over again because you're the worst making decisions. You're going to be prevented from doing what you want to do for the rest of your life, because that's how this works. Never doing what you love, always surviving. Only surviving. You decided this path from day one. Your whole life's been about surviving, and that's all. You are here to help others, so shut up and keep going. You are tiring and annoying. You've been told that being with you is like living with an instructions manual. That's how annoying and complicated you are. No one wants to read the instructions EVER. Everyone hates them for a reason, who wants to find out how something works? You yourself don't even know that. You're trying to find where to turn off this when you well know I'm you as well...

Three days by now. 45 minutes. I just need to get up and get going. Why is it so hard...?