#sure that nigga dies not in a revenge way but a ‘i need to be sure he dies or i’m never sleeping again’ anxious way. triple checking if he+

[milimeters-morales]

and oh my god yeah. atsv miles anxiety was bad but 1048 miles anxiety? you will need power tools in that therapy session. ever since his dad was killed and phin sacrificed herself, he hates it when he has to be away from his mom. or just anybody he really cares about. and he hates them “going out of their way” to do things for him because what if suddenly it’s too dangerous and they die or get so hurt their life will never be the same again. he doesn’t wanna be spider-man at times because that’s more time away from his loved ones, and who knows when he’ll see them again (it’s been 10 minutes) ?? he wants to shrink everyone he loves and put them in his pocket and carry them around with him, and he never wants to waste time taking care of himself because what if someone else dies and he’s not there to stop it. and he knows he’s being unhealthy about all this, realistically knows his family and friends aren’t in danger as much as he feels. but he doesn’t know what else to do, and none of the advice Peter gives him sounds useful to his anxiety-ridden mind. That battle with Mr. Negative in Kraven’s illegal dog fighting ring could’ve been way more terrifying and anxiety attack inducing for the player if they let me in the studio (but i guess that’s why they threw me out)

[ebonyslasher]

hii i love your imagines so much, i was wondering if you could write something along the lines of the slashers with like a demon/spirit reader who's been just chilling on earth for the past few centuries or something like that. Thank you for your time😘

Hello! Hope you like this!

Slashes react to demon/spirit reader that's been chilling out for a looooonnnggggg time:

Spirit Type: Familiar

In essence, he's kinda like a spirit. In a way? He isn't sure. It doesn't freak him out that you're one.

Obviously he died many years ago and somehow came back to life. He was able to age normally until he hit his peak and just looked the same every year - never getting older or having any drastic body changes

So same hat basically

Except he's not as chill as you. Revenge and all that good stuff

You can change into an animal form? That's perfect! Camp crystal lake is the best environment for you to be free. He was happy to share his domain with you.

Jason is impressed with how long you've been alive. He's almost touching 100. You were way over that

Wants to see your abilities and how you help magic users. It's like those childhood stories coming true, he's enraptured by your storytelling and visuals

Wishes that he could go with you when you travel to a witch in need- but his soul is tied to Crystal Lake. He isn't sure how far out he can go. Or if his immortality has limitations.

Grateful and relieved. He won't have to worry about you dying of old age. He will have a forever s/o- which makes him ecstatic.

Spirit Type: Fairy

They knew something was different about you when they met you. Your aura could be felt by them, as if it was reaching out and rubbing against them- which was odd.

You also had this soft ethereal appearance. Their eyes felt pulled to you, couldn’t take their eyes off you

Wait, was that a literal glow forming around you? It had been a while since they dropped some acid but...damn

Amazed when you admit to them on who you are. They have so many questions. And they expect you to answer all of them like you're a professor or something

Will want you to play tricks on their victims..not only would it make it easier to kill them while they are off guard, but it's hilarious watching them fall for stupid shit

They've recorded a few of your tricks and watch them when they need a good laugh

You're the best person -faerie?- ever.

Will make up nicknames and puns related to faeries

Asks to see your wings (if you have any). It's cute seeing their faces light up in wonder when they look at you.

If you can change your size to become super little (like tinker bell) it's gonna make their hearts explode. You're adorable

Spirit Type: Orisha

Jesse was in Morocco meeting up with a growing business owner that he was interested in investing in

He was sitting at a table of a local restaurant when he eyed you a few tables down.

You took his breath away. You were beautiful in a way his mind couldn't comprehend. Like it sent his mind into shock

Since the business partners weren't there yet, he wrote a small romantic note on a napkin and approached you with it

You were a bit put off by his mask...but when you read the note- it made you so flustered. You told him thank you and he just nodded and went back to his table. Acting all nonchalant (nigga knows how the play the game).

It made him seem smooth and mysterious...which rarely see, it made you feel some type of way. You went over and gladly played along and gave him your info

When you tell him you're an Orisha, he just thinks cool and keeps it moving

Once he looks up what exactly that it....there's no way. He really can't believe it

Listens to your tales and looks at all the pictures you've taken during different time periods. Holy shit is he intrigued

Travels along with you to wander. He's always been on the go and doing missions. Never took the time to just chill out and take in his surroundings

As y'all wander, he gets to see your abilities. Each time seems like the first time to him, never gets old

Bubba Sawyer

Spirit Type: Succubus/ Incubus

You wandered onto their lands one day. It had a unnerving, demented, and fearful ambiance- which confused you. The landscape looked like a typical hot, humid southern country town.

But, you liked a good mystery so you did some investigating

Saw all the nuances and secretive tactics the family used to unnerve - but not completely turn off naive and stupid travelers. It was like you were watching a live-action murder mystery novel

Sees the murders and cooking of the victims. Now that wasn't something you see everyday...or every century. But the way they cooked that food smelled reallll good. You had to go get a taste.

Introduced yourself formally to the fam. Latched on to bubba because of how sweet he was and that he was immune to your spells. Interesting

Family happily accepts you when they find out you eat people too...they just dont know how different you eat them tho (raw as fuck)

Bubba likes a s/o that can eat na

Not too keen on the seducing aspect of your powers on the victims. Makes him insecure and jealous

Jealous rage = horrifying torture of victims and desecration of their corpses. He's weirdly still wanting to watch you work tho...it's a complex situation.

Loves to be seduced by you even tho he's immune to the spells.Hey, he’s not immune to your pretty self.

There's a lot of non verbal communication between different subsets of demons, so you understand and grunts and gestures. He is forever grateful

Honestly, you fit in so well with Bubba and his family. Y’all make a cute family...lol

[polygamyff]

52. Part 9

I am deep down very angry, I don’t understand what Shawn is doing, I feel like this whole thing is testing my patience, I am trying to be quiet but it’s shit “you��re full of shit” I had to say it “I feel personally, you was setting up my man for failure. Do you think he’s that same old Maurice you once knew? I am asking Shawn; I don’t want to argue but if you are attacking my family then it is my issue. I don’t think I like what I am hearing, so repeat yourself again and make it seem like you actually have sense because who does that? There is a lot of shady friends around and this is the moment you’re either with us or you’re not. And I will ride for Maurice until the wheels fall off, so I want you to tell me what made you think that was right? So, your grown ass couldn’t throw a party for him? You wanted girls there, we know your past. I mean come on” Shawn’ face dropped, he was not expecting it but I am not having it, he was setting him up “either you was using him to cover up your cheating ass or you wanted to ruin him? Which one?” I don’t care what Nalah says “I wouldn’t do that to him” Shawn said “Maurice doesn’t lie to me Shawn, that Maurice you knew is not there anymore. He wants a family, and he wants to be happy. I don’t think you do; I am sick of shady shit happening. This is your moment, take the stage and tell us” I just don’t feel comfortable with what he is saying “ok, so let’s say Nalah calls me and says. Let’s go Atlanta, I know this guy. We all seen his dick, maybe fucked him and his friends but we going to call him to party knowing!!” I shouted pointing at him “knowing I have a family, I am happy and my partner wouldn’t like it. But just because, I mean why not? Knowing I have had dealings with that guy. Is that normal? To you?” I want to know “no” he said in a whisper “I wanted to go for me, ok? Yes, me. He just knows these people; you say his name they do it. I didn’t want him to do anything, just use his name” Shawn threw his arms in the air “to cheat on me then?” Nalah said “drugs! That is it!” he snapped “you took a person that had issues with drugs, to a drug party? Shame, a good friend indeed” I am sick of this fake shit “get out of my house” Nalah said “seriously? I was not cheating, hear me fucking out! You all are deluded, Maurice. I would never do that to you!” he shouted “but you did” Maurice said “you fucking changed him Robyn, you changed him” Shawn pointed at me “sure, he is happy and you are upset about it? Shawn, you don’t have to be with Nalah, do you?” it’s some other issue here.

It’s odd “Maurice I have been around for you before Robyn” now he is attacking Maurice “and you never helped me like she has, I don’t have friends. You really hurt me but I don’t think we on the same page, it’s being forced right now” looking at Maurice’ face, he is so sad “please don’t Maurice, it’s me yes. I wanted to go there, that is the truth. People respect you, so I used your name. I am sorry. Nalah, I think being with you is messing with my mind” placing my hand on Maurice’ lap “just when I find out and I tell you I’m pregnant you do this” Nalah’ voice broke “you’re pregnant?” I said in shock “I am” Nalah sobbed out “I am going” Shawn is going to really run, grabbing Maurice’ hand as I don’t want him to move “let him go” I said in a whisper “why?” Maurice said “just let him go, some men just are not made to be a father” Maurice balled his fist up, Shawn ran out so fast “Nalah, I am sorry” I feel so bad, she is pregnant “I have always wanted this and I thought he was ok, he chased me and wanted me” getting up from the couch “Nalah, you have waited for this moment” wrapping my arms around her “I have been so stressed and scared I would lose it, I told him and he has been so different with me” I do feel so bad about this now “the guy beat a girl so much she lost his child, I told you Nalah! Now you are pregnant with his child!” Maurice shouted “stop” I pointed at Maurice “some men aren’t made to be fathers; he seems very scared to ever be in a relationship” Nalah is really crying her heart out.

I feel upset for Nalah “I am going to kill him, he got you pregnant! Are you fucking kidding me, I am sorry Robyn you want me to be all calm, but I can’t, I can’t! why the fuck did you not use protection Nalah!?” I can’t believe she is pregnant “because I want to be a mother, it’s my turn” holding Nalah’ hand “you don’t need him, if he doesn’t want to know the child then fuck him. I will take care of you” that is what I wanted to hear from his mouth “really?” Nalah said “he will be back but yeah, but I am going to kill him. I know him, he will go missing now but he won’t lay a finger on you, you’re just dumb” he had to add that “out of every nigga, but anyways. Congratulations on the bundle of joy” Maurice sat back down “we will be here for you, if that is what Shawn wants. Maybe he is scared. I suppose we need to just hear him out, Maurice. Stop, just let’s do this like adults, please. A child is involved now but I am happy, Reign will have a cousin to play with now” I grinned “I am very happy, I mean I was going to get a sperm donor next, I don’t really care for a man but I did like Shawn, I just think he is mentally not stable, I don’t know why. He can be so odd at times, he malfunctioned when he heard baby, but my heart. I am so happy” I am so happy “aww Nalah!! Yes” hugging her again “thank you all, Robyn thank you for dragging it out of him, something wasn’t right and honestly, I tried but there won’t be an us” I don’t blame her “dad is going to get him, we too close family. He done for; I don’t care. Robyn is saying no but dad will get him, I am angry yo. Robyn won’t let me be angry” rolling my eyes “because we have other things to discuss Maurice, we just need to talk please” he can be angry after we speak on what we came here for.

Maurice is staring off into thin air “sorry, I feel so stupid crying. I am ok now” Nalah sat across from me and next to Maurice “my friend huh, out of everyone why him? I am unstable but him? He got issues, just” Maurice sighed out “I will look after you and the baby and I will fuck him up” Nalah laughed “please, I don’t want to be with him. This shows he has issues; I will give him the option to see it but no, I am not going there, Maurice. I know you’re angry but to hear you say you got me, and you will look after me, it warms my heart. Thank you” that is so sweet of him, my pootie being so adorable. I love him for that, smiling at him “yeah, well I have this thing in my mind, I am always like what would Robyn do. And Robyn would want this, she makes me so happy. And I have some other things to tell you. As you know Nalah, I went to Spain. I saw Mami, I had a good time. You saw from the pictures” Nalah chuckled “your Spanish ass family? Yeah I saw, but you looked so happy. But yeah, I saw” Maurice smirked “well I have been feeling a type of way, I felt slightly lost. Like people knew something I didn’t know, this business takeover is happening so quick. Dad is ill, I am just feeling so stressed about things. So, I kind of asked, I asked Mami. She knew something, and you know what, I am hurt. I don’t know if you know anything, but I need to sort my life, my people, my circle out. I need too for my family” I feel like Maurice finds it harder speaking to his sister then me, my poor baby.

Maurice rubbed his hands together “so Mami told me that mom sold me off, she let me go to Spain with dad without a care. She only started to care when she found out that dad had Mami in Spain, mom never cared until she knew I was getting this business. And uhm, Uncle Abel. We never see him? He’s like the uncle we never see or speak of, you know why at all?” he asked “erm, mom said that dad just hates him” here joy goes lying “because Malik is his son, mom slept with Abel because she was angry with dad and got pregnant” watching Nalah’ facial expression “now you’re lying?” she pointed at him “then why doesn’t dad care for him? Tell me this? The reason why I came back because dad fucked up! He didn’t use his brain, or I wouldn’t have come back, why is it we are wiping Malik’ ass as we do? Like we his parents! Mom lied to Robyn, she has fucking money, she knows dad is dying and said she is telling us this story she is going to lie to us about. Malik is not dad’ and that is why dad wouldn’t do anything for him” Nalah looked away in shock “I did wonder why, look when I was little I though I saw uncle and mom kiss but I was young, I didn’t think because mom said I was silly. And I did hear dad say he would kill Malik, but I thought dad was just being dad. No, that is wrong Maurice, you are telling me….” Nalah placed her hands over her face “mom is hiding money, my money. I need to know where that money is” Maurice said “I know where some of it is, she has a home she bought. I been there, it’s in Hawaii. She said dad bought it her, the reason why I know she has money there because when I went there with her, she paid I think thirteen million. I mentioned it to dad, and he said what home, so I just ignored it. And mom, she has a deposit box in Texas. I can’t even take this in Maurice” Maurice is just plotting; his mind is just working on revenge on his mother.

Nalah sighed out “so what is mom doing with Malik? Her own son” Nalah asked “nothing, she has money away but couldn’t pay for him” I said “I wasn’t being nosey but I asked when I went Texas and she fed me lies” Nalah shook her head “she is not bothered, this is what is dangerous. She has money away and is ready to run when Marquis dies, she always wanted money she said so she got an old man with money. She left her family for him” Nalah pulled a face “you mean the family that I went to Hawaii with? That is bullshit, so my mom took me away when I upset about my last boyfriend, and she bought along the women. I thought nothing of it because I have met them before, just they never came to the home when dad was home so again, that is a lie” I think Joy just told me bullshit “Nalah, you need to find out who is mom’ lawyer. I need you to get to mom, you can. I am not having her take my money!” he spat “why would you want to fight trash? Listen to me Maurice” Nalah turned to him “we have done everything by ourselves, we bought ourselves up and I am speaking about me and Malik, I was his mother which I let him down too. I think we let her go, money runs out at the end of the day, if she cares about money so much she will drag us all down, for now unless I find something I can, we just leave it at that. My main concern is Malik, he can’t know, and she will tell him, that boy is so unwanted. What do we do?” Nalah asked Maurice “I was thinking that he lives here with you first, see how he is and then get him his own place. He will work with me, I want us to be close Nalah I feel like not only mom but the whole family going to come at us Nalah, I cut their money. There is so many secrets and I feel in my heart that if we don’t tell Malik then we will wake up, dad is dead, and all his secrets are revealed. I feel it in my heart, but dad loved Mami, I didn’t know he helped Hugo and all them, he was in love with Paula and she loved him, I mean it wasn’t the best of things and he was married but when you love someone and you see they hurting, you save them. She let him go and till this day they still talk. She knows more then this, I think dad has left her something too, more then she is letting on” Maurice is such a romantic at heart, he is so cute.

“He does, he spoke on his Spanish love. He told me once, it was funny to hear, and I honestly am scared. I feel like dad is protecting us” I hate this feeling, I am in this with them “what we need to do, hear me out, we need to keep close. For now, Malik stays here when he comes out. We can’t have any weak links, all of us” Maurice looked at me “weak links like Shawn which now she has his baby, give Shawn time. He will contact you and when he calls you then you call me. I will speak to him, he has ran off to have his time, but I am dead inside, not with you Robyn but with that friendship. When I get married that is a new me, a new life. It’s time to rebuild and we need to be strong when we do. When they speak on us and when my daughter or your son or daughter looks back. They will say ok my dad or uncle did bad, but he changed, he changed it all. That bad, that whole men rule shit left, all the bad vibes left. All this bad shit has to stop, the name needs to flourish. As long as I am here and Robyn keeps pumping me with the healthy goodness she makes me have, I will be here, and I will be supporting you all. But I need to know that you won’t turn your back on me” it’s nice to see this, both of them like this because when Malik comes out they are going to be so close “I never turned my back on you, I always got your back like you got mine. I will try and find out more about mom, not too much but me. I want her gone, the more we play they more she will play. She has been around for way too long to just let us do her wrong. She has been waiting for dad to go, and dad is excited like he is getting married. You just let him spoil you please. And let him see little angel” Maurice laughed “wait till he heard about you, he will want to murder Shawn but he is going to be emotional about that. I don’t think you need any man Nalah, I think you can raise a strong independent woman alone. The girl will have auntie Robyn and then you, she got good” Maurice is so cute, he is so adorable that I want to fuck him, my mind is sliding “and if it’s a boy then he got you but you re right, I think we will be ok” I cooed out “this trauma is making you all so close, that is love. We will be ok” I said in agreement, I am sure we will be.

[finderskeepersff]

25. Part 4

Sofia fell asleep so here I am staring at the walls of this hospital room, ain’t no way am I sleeping in this chair just to break my neck but now I am bored. I wonder if you can have sex while she is pregnant, this is something I have to find out. Like will my penis touch the baby, I ain’t bragging I mean maybe I am but I don’t want my penis touching my baby, that’s weird and no. I have so much to figure out and so it’s just amazing that this blessing has come to me, I mean our blessing because I did feel like I wanted to walk away, she was just being rude to me and nobody deserves to be treated that way but I know she does love me, it was just all by assumptions, a lot of assuming that I cheated. I can watch her sleep all day, she does look exhausted while sleeping, is that even a thing, can you look exhausted and still be asleep, it has been a long day. I know Sofia didn’t flirt on purpose, I am all she got besides her friends, her family don’t want to know. My family are a pain but they there and I know they would be happy but I ain’t telling them so I am sad for her in a way of she can’t tell her family, she doesn’t have one. The knock at the door made me look away from Sofia and at the door, who the hell “it’s me, can I come in?” It’s Myles, the hell he doing.

Walking over to Myles and hugging him “I heard my brother, I am happy for you about to be a dad and shit” I laughed nodding my head “yeah, I’m still trying to process it myself but why are you awake so late at night, what’s happening?” It’s unusual, it’s five in the morning, about that anyways “just been thinking a lot, Isabella told me and I was like I see them tomorrow but I knew you would be awake, just got shit on my mind” this is not like him “take a seat” walking back over to the chair “is Sofia ok though? She looks pale” Myles said “yeah she good, she is tired. I think emotionally drained, lot of things happened today well yesterday, we worked it out now. She just needs to rest but talk to me, what is it? Please don’t tell me we got shit in Atlanta, I’m going to flip” Myles shook his head “nah, I just. I’m, you know in shock. I don’t want to tell you, I mean I have too but you have this going on and it’s not your problem but it is. I stayed away not because of the home, I heard this happened and I couldn’t say it. We saw him, a few days ago but Lamar. He got” putting my hand up at him not wanting to hear it, I know what he is going to say and I don’t want to hear it. Getting up from the chair, I don’t want to hear those words out of his mouth “I’m sorry” Myles said, this is wrong information, it’s a game and what he is trying to tell me is bullshit.

The room has been ever so silent for a few miniutes now “how?” I asked “he was driving back home, that was it. They shot at his car” putting my head in my hands, this can’t be happening. I told him to leave, this actually hurts “Myles, where is his body? That nigga ain’t go no family, we was his family, that’s why he didn’t want to leave Brooklyn” this is fucked up, clenching my fist “he wanted to make you proud, you took him on as a friend and brother. All he wanted to do was to make sure Cassius was happy with him, I wanted him to leave too” I feel bad “this my fault, he dead because of me. Why” crouching down on the spot “fuck! Myles, you find out what happened. Why? Zed said he was taking care of shit” I feel so bad “Zed can’t do shit Cassius, he got shot parked outside his crib, it’s on the news. He was going back home, there is no foul play on our side. This is something you couldn’t have stopped, we all go home and it happens. That could be any one of us but we got out when we needed too, I’m just hurt as much as you. He was the stupid little brother to us” shaking my head, I loved him like a brother, this really hurts me “the nigga has nobody, tell Zed. He better be there with his body so he ain’t alone” Placing my hands over my face, I ain’t going to cry but I want too. I failed him, I should have pushed him to come and I didn’t.

Watching the nurse take blood from Sofia, she is still so tired, I wonder what the hell she did to herself, like she truly must have drained herself “how are you feeling Miss Bundy? In yourself?” The nurse asked “tired, I feel worse” the nurse smiled at her “well we will check on your levels again, you are severally Anemic. Looking at your record it’s not something that I can say will be easy now that you’re pregnant. The start of the journey does take it out on you initially, it will get better for you ok?” Sofia nodded her head, she does look drained but I guess hospitals do take it out of you “hopefully these tests results come back ok, it just makes a little worse that you are pregnant so please don’t be upset if you need to stay longer” forget Sofia being upset, I will be upset “what did you do that you’re this bad?” I don’t understand, she needs to make me understand what the hell she been up too “I just didn’t eat, I was going gym and ate some fruit and then had like a salad with some chicken, all the time you was gone” this woman of a mine is a pain “Sofia, you’re so stupid, that is all I can say. You really starved yourself” my poor child “you starved my child, my little alien baby” Sofia rolled her eyes, she starved my baby period.

Sofia fell asleep again, I haven’t even slept a little and she is asleep again. I need sleep, I may need to go back to the hotel to get some sleep because my eyes are burning me. My burner phone started to ring, I mean I am upset nobody told me about Lamar first but they probably didn’t want to deal with my mouth, seeing it’s Zed calling me. Answering the call “Zed, what’s good?” I am going to act all calm “you know?” Zed said “that they killed my little brother, that kid did nothing. He did no harm to anyone, he just followed us. He followed me doing this shit, all I wanted him to do was errands, I told him to move. I didn’t push him enough, I am so angry right now Zed. You tell me what happened, people were supposed to be protected, my family ain’t safe then?” I want answers “I saw him an hour before I found out, we spoke and I said to him it’s late go home son. I said that to him, someone knows what he was doing or watching him. I promise I will get revenge, on god I will Cassius. I am sorry. I can’t get close to the body, they wanting to blame someone. It’s on the news” putting my head down “I can’t, talk soon. I just need time” disconnecting the call, I am tired, I am tired of people dying. Like I have lost people I have known. Lamar was someone that was special to me because he is younger than us, I felt for him. He had nobody, he was adopted. We was his family, he came to my home for Christmas. I am hurt, I didn’t save him and he died on his own.

I am glad Sofia is awake because either she coming out or I need to go and sleep, my head is hurting me “all they do is feed you here” I said side eyeing Sofia “just because you don’t get fed, jealous but thank you” she said to the nurse “I need to talk to you” stretching my body out as I got up from the chair “what is it?” her eyes all wide staring at me “I will tell you” just waiting for the staff to leave “Sofia don’t need feeding anymore” I said to the lady as she walked out “she is eating for two now, I will leave you both alone now” I need feeding, forget Sofia being fed several times “what’s wrong? You seem a little on edge and putting that fake laugh on” clasping my hands together “Lamar is dead” Sofia’ mouth fell open “no, shut up. Seriously? Don’t lie to me” putting my hands behind my back as I turned away from Sofia, just saying he’s dead pains me “I am not, he erm got shot outside his home. I fucked up, I didn’t push him. Sofia, I didn’t make him come with me” facing Sofia “you didn’t force the other two but they came, Cassius don’t blame yourself. I am so sorry that has happened, he seemed so sweet. He had a beautiful smile, kind hearted and would do anything for you” biting on my bottom lip “Cassius” Sofia said “it’s ok to cry you know” I don’t want to cry and that is the point “I fail people, I failed Bryce, I failed you, I failed Lamar and now he dead. I thought of me, I was thinking of me. Every situation I was thinking of me” I am angry at myself “Cassius no! It never has been you, you always gave to others. You are now thinking of yourself, what happened to me, happened because I never said earlier. You asked, I never said. Cassius don’t blame yourself, you can’t save everyone” but I could have and she doesn’t understand that.

“He has nobody Sofia, we are the family he has. I am so heavy hearted about this. I fucked up. I should bought him with me, he dead. I can’t believe it” Sofia and I have been sitting silently for a while now, I am pretty fucked up inside “what do you mean he has nobody?” Sofia asked me “you can talk to me you know” getting up from the chair once again, all I do is pace this room “I need to sleep, I am just being dramatic. Lamar was adopted, he didn’t like the family. He ditched them, we looked after him. I shouldn’t have got him involved but I did. I should have looked after him and I didn’t Sofia, I didn’t pay attention. He was always trying to please others, be apart of something. Every call, anything that goes off he is there. He was the one that got me out of hospital that time, shit is just not right. He died alone and it fucks me up” I am angry at the same time “I am so sorry Cassius, like that is the so sad. I am truly so sad that it happened the way it did. I am sorry” nodding my head silently “when are we going to Brooklyn then? Bury him properly, we need to go” looking at Sofia “I mean once I get out of here I will come but we go there and give him a good send off because there is people that love him” putting my head down “thank you” rubbing my eyes, stopping any tear to fall.

[searchingff-blog]

CHAPTER 7: ROLL IN PEACE

After Zeus had his run in with Cassi is mind started to wander more, and more about who snitched on him. He said he was going to get revenge, but wanted to give it a few months before taking action. Just getting out of jail the heat was still on him, and his parole officer was keeping a close eye on him. Cassi forgot she was in on the plan but he knew she didn't drop the ball on him, so he needed to start figuring out who. That's why he called Hazel, the closest thing he had to a right hand, and one of the two people that were in on the job.

“It's open.” Zeus called out from the couch. He was focused on rolling up a blunt currently.

Hazel walked in and the weed instantly knocked her in the face. Whatever strain he was smoking was potent.

“The way that shit is smelling it's definitely going to pop up in your system.” She walked over into the living section of his studio apartment.

“See, a nigga like me already has clean pee stocked up. I can’t go without smoking, and staying sane at all. Hell I snapped last night.” He shook his head, disappointed at his actions.

After the fact, and when he had time to think, he understood why Cassi was mad. He possibly fucked up her normal, and they were supposed to be friends outside of sleeping together. His temper ignited, because she came in and defended somebody that wasn’t him. Having a woman have your back the way she had Saint’s was something he envied right now, because the last time he had that was with Azure.

“What you mean you snapped?” She questioned, taking a seat on the couch and kicking her heels off.

“Man, Cassi.”

“You still dealing with that thot box? For what?” She screwed up her face in confusion.

Hazel knew about their dealings, and knew Cassi was also in a whole relationship right now. As a woman, and human being she didn't respect her because she had no morals or dignity.

“C’mon, don't lecture me today. I ain't trying to hear it.” He sparked the blunt up.

“Ohh fucking well. She's married and you're sleeping with her willingly. That bad karma is going to come and bite you in the ass. This is why Azure doesn't even want to be friends with you. She thinks bad energy follows you.” Her head shook. Disappoint was written across her face.

Zeus looked at her irritated, but inside he knew she was right.

“But why am I here at 9 am?” She asked, deading the previous conversation.

“I think it's time I put my plan in motion to find the snake.”

“You sure? You getting out of jail is still fresh.”

“I know, but the shit has to get handled. My street cred is getting fucked up, because everybody knew the plan was sealed tight and I ain't did shit about it. Somebody spoke to someone.”

Zeus always figured it was a snake, because the cops knew too much about the job than a witness could have seen.

“Most of the niggas that you used to rock with back then are dead, in jail, or have left the streets alone. I think you should really look into Juan’s people dropping the bomb on you.”

Zeus nodded as the smoke filled up his lungs. He needed to be smart, and consider all options.

“Plus, who do you think ratted you out? There's only a few that could have said something, and you know me and Roman didn't.”

She was going through a rough patch with her husband right now, but she knew for sure he wasn't a snake.

“Right, and Cassi had too much involvement to tell.”

“So my suggestion to you is plant a nice little flower for one of his men to pick. You know their pillow talk could get us some information.”

Hazel’s involvement in the murder was being Zeus’ albi if needed. A rooftop party was going on that night, and he arrived when it started and left when everybody was too drunk to realize he was gone.

“And hopefully make the dude want her to stick around long enough for her to meet Gabriella, the Queen of it all.”

“Baby steps. We want the girl to get information, not killed.”

When Juan died his mother Gabriella went on a witch hunt. She wanted justice for her family, and the ways she went about getting justice resulted in a dead body. The last thing they needed was to be caught. They had to move smart.

“You right, you right.” He slouched down on the couch, and laid his head back. “I know the perfect broad, but while I'm doing that I need you to talk to all the little homies. See what they know.”

Back when Zeus was on top of his game you either wanted to be him, or take him out the picture for good. There was never an in between, so for him to sleep at night even the ones that were on his side he needed to be vetted.

“I can do that. Just don't get trigger happy again, and do something we'll both regret.” She chuckled.

With Juan, all she thought he would do was rough him up some. When she turned on the news that morning, and it said an unknown man was shot in the face twenty times she knew it was Zeus. All she could do at that point was hold up her end of the bargain, and say he was at her party all night.

“I won’t, and keep this away from Azure. I don't need her getting hurt.”

“Trust me I won't. The last thing she would allow is for me to be doing dirty work with you again.”

Azure didn't know for sure that they had something to do with Juan’s death, but she could tell something was up. She is a smart woman, and knew these two better than anybody else.

Hazel was getting her red bottoms dirty again by helping Zeus, but she did the necessary for the ones she loved.

---

After the fight Azure was back on her grind. She had numerous things lined up for XXL, and herself in general. Today she was having Carmen come over to the office for a potential job opportunity. Future, a close friend and artist, needed a main girl in his new video and asked her to hook him up. Azure’s reach as far as women went was endless. She knew all the hottest video vixens, instagram models, and just beautiful women in general in New York. The reason why she thought about Carmen was because her look was unique, and she wanted to see how she did outside of her element. Majority of the time men wanted Azure in their videos, but she wasn’t that type of girl. She had an image, brand, and reputation to keep.

“Send her right up.” Azure said into the phone.

Selena loved how after one interaction she was getting called in for job opportunities. This was going to lead to her getting closer with Azure, and then in turn being brought into her circle. Everything was going as planned, and moving along accordingly.

She knocked on Azure’s door lightly before walking in.

“Hey, mama.” She smiled wide, and walked over to hug her.

“How are you?” Azure hugged her.

“I'm good, you?” Selena took a seat.

“Good, and glad you could make it on such short notice to the office. My friend Future needs a main girl in his video, and I thought about you. Now I know it isn't your usual thing, but..”

“I'll do it.” Selena said quickly.

Being a video girl was beneath her, and on a regular day she would have rejected the offer. However, today the situation was different. This  was going to put Azure in her debt for a favor from her.

“Great, I'll send your information over to him.” She was ecstatic that she was up for the gig.

“But I need you to do something for me.” Selena smiled, and propped her head on her hands.

“What is it? I ain't into all that freaky shit you models are.”  Her eyebrow raised, and she was a little hesitant.

“There's this VIP, all exclusive party I'm going to next month and I want you to go with me.”

“Why me?” Azure knew she had other friends that she's known for a longer time that she could ask.

“Everybody else is so called booked up, and I don't want to go by myself. It won't be as much fun.”

Azure sat there thinking. She didn't want to be involved in anymore mess or drama. Her life these last couple of months had been everything, but positive. She needed new energy to surround herself with.

“Fine.”

“Yes! Then it's a date.” Selena smiled, her plans were falling into place.

“Just send over the date, and stuff to me in a couple weeks.”

Azure had to get back to her life, and her work was how she was going to do that. Everybody took her smile as she was ok, and they quickly forgot that she just went through a divorce. She was healing, but the wound wasn't a scab yet.

----  

Gigi took the pan of lasagna out the oven, and placed it on the counter next to the stove. Montell was on his way over to her house.  She decided to invite him over for dinner with her instead of having him go with her to her mom's house. Her family was unpredictable, and she didn't know what to expect from them. Plus, tonight she could get to know him outside of work on a 1 on 1 basis.

“Girl, you got this. This is the first guy you actually like, so just play it cool. Everything is going to go over fine. You're a bad bitch.” Gigi said to herself in the bathroom mirror.

Montell was off the clock tonight. This interaction was strictly pleasure, because he started to like Giselle. His boss would chew his head off if he knew he was out doing this, so he kept his wire at home. It chewed at his conscious that he was using her the way he was. The more he wanted to keep it professional he couldn't.

He exited the elevator when it reached her Manhattan apartment floor. Knowing what he knew, he knew this apartment was paid for by her father's witness protection money. He reached her door, and knocked.

Gigi gave herself one more look over before she answered the door.

“Hello, welcome to my home.” She smiled wide with her pearly whites showing.

Monty licked his lips when he saw what she had on. His mind undressed her, and his mouth filled up with moisture.

“These are for you Giselle.” He handed her the sunflowers as he walked in, and pecked her on the cheek.

“Thanks, these are beautiful.” She loved that he was the only one who called her by her full name. He told her a queen should be addressed properly.

“Your little spot is tough, and I smell my favorite.  You know you have a lot to live up to now.” He chuckled, taking his jacket off once fully inside of her home.

She walked over to the kitchen, and placed the flowers in water. “I got this.” She laughed softly. “Water, lemonade, wine, or Jack?” If anybody knew what his go to drink was it was her.

“You should already know the answer to that.” He smirked, and took a seat at the table.

Along with pouring him a glass of jack, herself a glass of wine, she made their plates. Placed with the lasagna was homemade garlic bread. Cooking was a hobby of hers to the point she took cooking classes from time to time. The way to a man’s heart was through his stomach.

“I appreciate this forreal.” He smiled at her, and placed a hand on her thigh.

That little show of appreciation made her night. The small things in life warmed her heart up, and seeing that a hot meal from her meant so much spoke volumes.

“Anytime.”

The two of them started eating, and spoke about any and everything. The conversation went from family, politics, hobbies, school, childhood, and sex. She was getting to know Montell, and he was getting to know Giselle.

“So when was your last relationship?” The glass of wine was placed up to her lips after she asked the question.

“It was about two years ago. I've dated around since then, but nothing serious enough to bring up.”

“Why'd it end?”

“Our future's didn't align. She wanted things I wasn't sure I wanted right then and there. I was still a struggling DJ that was on his grind to make it. Being young, and stubborn I wanted what I wanted, and didn't care if that meant losing her.”

Gigi listened, and nodded when he finished. She would have thought the cliche answer, and guessed he cheated on her. The more she got to know him the more he surprised her.

“What about you?” He asked.

“Ummm...right before I graduated. We had been together since I was a freshmen at UCLA, and things were great. I always told him I was moving back home when I finished school, and he claimed he understood that. When it was time for me to go he was nowhere to be found until the day of my flight with my best friend. It hurted, but I'm glad I was on my way out.”

The story was partially true. The reason for the breakup wasn't because she was leaving, but because she told him about the transition. The guy was pissed she didn't tell him at the beginning, because he didn't care about her transition. Honesty was the best policy.

“Lucky me he was stupid enough to let you go.” Monty smiled, getting up to grab the plates.

“Let me do that.” She hopped up.

“Girl, pour me another shot and you another glass and let me handle this.” He looked down at her, and she obliged.

Monty put the dirty dishes in the sink, and she handled their drinks. When they finished in the kitchen the duo moved over to the living room. He made it over to the couch first, and as she made way over he followed her every step. It made her blush.

“What?” She asked as she took a seat next to him.

“I want a kiss.” His eyes peered into hers.

His look drove her hormones insane. Before she could verbally comply he sat up, and pulled her face closer to his by her jaw. Their lips connected, and it was like sparks flew. It started off as a peck right before his tongue slid inside of her mouth. They moved around like snakes, and danced like two skillfully ballroom dancers. She pulled away to catch her breath, and stop herself from fainting.

“Wow, damn.” She threw back his shot of Jack. At that moment she needed it more than he did.

“I want to please you.” His voice was soft, but intense.

All Gigi did was nod her head. He took the glass of wine out of her hand, and placed it on the coffee table. She laid back on the couch, and he pushed her dress up over her small waist. His hand rubbed against her opening as he glared her down. Her body was under his control to the point of her legs spreading without the command.

“Ooohh..” She gasped for air, and the last thing she remembered was his head disappearing between her legs.

This was the first time the new her was experiencing anything sexual. The intense pleasure of his lips on hers, his tongue doing magical things to her clit, sent unknown surges through her body. Multiple times she tried to pull his head away, because she didn't think she could handle it anymore. The arch of her back was perfect, and the entire time she only saw the back of her eyelids. Her sounds of pleasure enticed him, and he didn't plan on stopping anytime soon.

“Baby, I-I, Oh my gawd.”

This unknown feeling of explosive passion brought tears to her eyes as she reached the mountain top. Her legs shook, and he knew he did a job well done but the beast wasn't full. Montell wanted more, and he was going to continue feeding on her sweet juice.

She had no complaints.

-----

Saint’s love life was shit, and he had no idea how it went from great to horrible. He loved Cassi, and wanted to give her the world but he needed to be smart about everything. Something was up between her, and Zeus. He wanted to believe her, and believe that she wouldn't do anything like that to him but taking into account her reputation he needed to look more into the situation. Plus, Zeus got around in the streets. Majority of the time when it involved a female he usually was smashing, or smashed.

Tonight Saint was at a bar, the same place he'd been the past few nights. Going home was like walking into negative energy, and it was bad enough he was feeling down about the situation. Cassi had been blowing up his phone so much he blocked her. It was apology after apology, and it sounded good but it was what he was used to with her. She was going to apologize, and then use sexual advances to make sure he forgave her. It worked in the past, but not this time. His foot was planted firmly, and only the truth was going to save her.

“Jimmy, let me get a dry scotch and keep em coming.” Saint recited to the bartender. It was the same line he used the night before.

With his celebrity status he had to find a bar that was incognito. His coworkers were already becoming suspicious, because he was coming to work looking drained and reeking of liquor. Saint was the high energy, life of the party guy that had jokes for days. They weren't used to seeing him in this light.

The night was moving along, and as it did Saint was becoming more and more drunk. It took him leaving out the bathroom to notice trouble accompanying him at the same location.

Zeus had been at the bar the entire night with one of his homeboys. This was his go to spot when it came to handling street business. The police barely walked through unless they were called for a disturbance.

Saint’s better judgement was clouded by his alcohol level, and as soon as the thought entered his head he was walking towards Zeus’ table. He wasn't the confrontational type, so all he wanted was answers.  

“You fucking Cassi?” He blurted out before his presence was acknowledged.

The young boy with Zeus rose up ready for war, but Zeus sat him down quickly. “Nigga what?” He tried not to laugh in his face.

“We ain't bout to do that, and act dumb in here. You fucking her or not?” He had no time for the games, or Zeus trying to show out for the little audience he had.

“Mane, what your girl say?”

“Obviously some shit I ain't trying to hear.”

Zeus felt bad for the guy, because he could tell he loved her. However, it wasn't his place to be the bearer of bad news.

“I aint thinking about yo girl, or have in a long time.”

“Fuck that supposed to mean?” Saint was taken back by his boldness.

“Fuck it sound like nigga. I been smashed shorty back in the day a few times, and that was it. Since I been out aint nobody over here been on her line. That text I sent was meant for a different Cassi in my phone.” He lied, but told the truth at the same time.  

Not proud of it, but she was one of the girl's Azure never knew about. Cassi repaid him with sex for coming to her side. He was risking it by saying he used to fuck her, but wasn't going to look like a sucker either.

“She aint neva tell me yall dealt with each other in the past.” Saint was shocked that she kept that from him.

“Because she wasn't my girl or nothing. To be honest you come and questioning me about a slide that everybody done had, no disrespect of course.” The liquor had him talking his shit.

“Fuck what you talking just stay away from her.” Saint walked away before Zeus had the opportunity to respond.

It irritated him that she never told him about Zeus. He knew her track record was extensive but Azure was his homegirl, and now he felt obligated to tell her what Zeus pridefully told him. It more not than likely wasn't his place, but seeing how smug he was made Saint want to blow up his spot.

He walked by the bar, and downed his last shot. The bar was now overcrowded with energy he no longer wanted to feel. With the mini bar fully stocked Saint headed to the hotel room.

People tended to forget important details of their past.

[anxiousauthor89]

The Circle Of Saving Lives

The barrel of the gun was right in Trinity’s face. Knowing it was her time she silently said a quick prayer for her daughter and closed her eyes. “Mama don’t look.” She whimpered. Feeling something shove her to the side while Judith let out a scream the gun went off. Using her arms to slide up from the fall on her hip, Trinity sat up to see her mother face down in a pool of blood gasping for air. Dropping the gun Azury screamed in regret. “She pushed you! I was supposed to shoot you, that wasn’t meant for her! The order from Big Daddy was to shoot you I didn’t mean to shoot her!” Trinity wept as she held her mothers head and watched her eyes roll and close as the last breath of air left her body. Kissing her face Trinity held her mothers body and rocked. “Fuck dat baby she should have stayed out the way get me to the car we gotta go.” Obeying orders Azury got behind the wheelchair, pushed hard, and ran for the door. “You got me so fucked up pussy hoe.” Trinity gritted from her teeth. Leaving her mothers body lifeless and limp, and feeling a rage only the devil could create, Trinity picked up the gun, aimed and shot. A single bullet to the back of Azury’s head stopped the push of Shawn’s wheelchair. Her body leaned forward and fell across Shawn’s shoulder. “Baby! Zury!!  Awww no no no nooo!!! Baby come on get up we gotta go man you gotta fuckin push me! Get off me and push!” Shawn pleaded in panic with the corpse bleeding all over him. Walking around to the front of the wheelchair Trinity heard police sirens near by. “Its over Shawn. This is the end.” She said as she looked deep into his terrified face. “Trin come on now....I got money we can leave together all you gotta do is get this dead bitch off my shoulder and push me to the car its half a mill in the back seat, hell it might be more! The perfect amount for us to just start over baby!” He breathed heavily as he could hear the sirens getting closer. “The doors are open baby come on we aint gotta let me go to jail like this! Them niggas gon kill me in there!” Shawn begged as he began to cry. Trinity stared at him, realizing Shawn was right. Jail is not what he deserved. “Fuck!” she mumbled.” You right! Ok, Hold on baby. Let me get the money.” Feeling elated, Shawn smiled. “Yeeeaaaaaa that's my lil bad bitch! Hurry up! Them mufukkas bout to be here!” She quickly ran to his car, and saw the camaflauge duffle bag. She knew the money was there. He had been using that same bag as a stash since she met him. Yanking the bag from the back seat and slamming the door she sprinted back to the hospital. Time was ticking. His time was ticking. The sirens were getting closer. The voices in her head would not be silent. She pleaded with herself. “Don’t do this Trin it would be so fucked up.” But a rage of revenge overtook her as she had to see her mothers body lying there getting cold. This was not fucked up. This was right. And she had to do it even if nobody understood why. She put the bag on her back and walked back to the lobby where Shawn was sitting stuck. “Okay baby good girl! I knew you aint want me in jail! Come on lets go!” He smiled thinking he was free. Shaking her head at him in disgust, Trinity looked over at her mothers body one last time. “I love you mama and I am so so sorry. Thank you for saving me. I know I will see you again.” Before she could give it another second thought, she quickly turned back to Shawn, aimed at his face, and pulled the trigger twice. He died instantly, his head flying back as blood shot out of his mouth staining his gold teeth. Dropping the gun, Trinity ran outside to the curb, spotted her father and daughter in the car and gave him the bag. Seeing her covered in blood and noticing Judith was not there Elijah jumped out. “What is wrong?! Where’s mama?!” He grabbed her searching her eyes for answers. “Daddy, take this bag and my purse with the birth certificate and go. Now! You gotta take care of Myricle now, you and Melodie. What's in this bag is a good head start for you, ok?  You hear me? Be strong daddy! I will explain everything soon but right now I need you to go! Now!” Trinity pleaded. Trying to take in the information Elijah realized his wife wasn't coming home. And neither was Trinity. He hugged her so tight she couldn't breathe. “I got Myricle.” he kissed her cheek and forehead. “I promise.” After he let her go she leaned in the back seat and kissed her daughter. “Papa got you pretty girl. Be good for him.” Seeing the police cars down the street Trinity waved to her daddy and blew him kisses as he drove away. “I love you” she mouthed making a heart shape with her hands. Nodding his head with tears in his eyes he mouthed back “Love you more.” Patting his chest and making the peace sign, he hit the gas, making a left as the police made a right just seconds after he was gone. Trinity walked back to the front door where she had committed her crimes and sat down Indian style with her hands up. The sirens she heard blaring were finally flashing their lights in her face as she surrendered.                                                                                                                                                                                                                                              That was 17 almost 18 years ago. I was just a  newborn baby then. I only know the story because my Papa told it to me before he died. He always wanted to make sure I knew how special I was. I saw my mama twice a week. We had a good relationship. She had people in the jail draw me stuff. And always made sure she was good so her visits with me were never cut short. She loved me so much and told me a hundred times. But that jail changed her. Year after year I could see it. That place made her hard, and cold. I guess because she had to be tough. By the time she was killed in a fight at the prison, she didn’t have that special glow anymore. It was long gone. We had to get her cremated because we didn’t have money to bury her. I never even got to see her body. I know she would be proud of me though. Sometimes I think I can feel her around me. Now I am a mama and its just me and my kids. I got pregnant at 14, and just had one 9 months ago. Auntie Melodie is around but she's so out of her mind from medications, she's like my third baby. I take care of her. Grocery store in the day time and dancing in the club at night. Its not the best but its the best I can do. When I get older I’m going to doctor school. I’m gonna give my babies a life they can only see on TV. Dr. Myricle Sharee Steeples. Sound good don’t it? I’ll be right where I need to be. God saved me and my mama. A few times. My grandma saved my mama. Then my mama saved me and my Papa. Then Papa saved me. So if I become a doctor, that’s a good way of paying it forward like Papa taught me. And my girls Joy and Harmony gon do the same. Hopefully I start school in a year or so, then I can move on and I can finally play my role in the circle of saving lives. 

[lokionthelo]

#TheRaceFactor

I have a friend who has a negative set of eyes when it comes to the African American/Latino Community. He views most of “our people” as lazy, rambunctious, and wild. There have been plenty of times where he’ll hear the way I converse with my friends or he’ll watch how we are with each other and be bothered. It irritates him when I say things like, “yo, my man....” or “my nigga...” Using words like “son” and “iight” are beneath him. One day, he stopped me and said, “hey, you know, you shouldn’t talk like that. It’s not lady-like.” While, he may hold some truth in that, I gave him the eye roll and thought to myself, “yo, get off my back, my nigga.” Every day after that, I was sure to be mindful of how I spoke around him, you know, out of respect, but then I started to notice that he would bring it up on numerous occasions. He would say things like, “You’re too hood.” Whatever that means. So, finally I started to ask questions on why he would say the things he’d say or why he felt the way he did. He expressed to me that it really bothered him to see people in the Black/Latino Community take advantage of the government. People who were okay with living in the projects on the outside but would often complain when you got down to having a real conversation about it. That’s it. No major event happened, nothing spectacular, just that.

He went on to say, “you people speak and act however you want to and that’s not cool.” My people?! I said to him, “(Name), you do realize that, that’s a generalization. Not everyone acts like that or speaks that way and for you to make a comment like that, is unfair and borderline prejudice.” While, it bothered me and really got my blood pressure a little high, I can’t say that I totally disagree with him. I usually don’t get into racial topics or conversations about politics because these issues are extremely sensitive but this encounter with this friend of mine is upsetting enough for me to come out of my shell and write about it. Maybe, I’ll have a better way of communicating on paper than I will vocally. I will probably get some blow back for saying what I’m about to say, but that’s okay. I’m prepared for that.

I disagree with him in that, he does not know the circumstances in which why people are in the situations they are in. Sometimes, things happen. Life happens. One minute, you have a gorgeous three family home in the suburbs and you’re living the best life you could ever imagine and then the next minute, you’re bankrupt; living on a street corner hoping that someone, anyone, would just take the time to stop and notice you. One minute, you’re the CEO of a multi-million-dollar company, and the next, you’re begging for change in a train station. One minute, you’re living a life that may not be all that extravagant. It may be a comfortable life, with a wife and however many kids but the next thing you know, you’re sitting outside Subway praying for someone to spare even a breadcrumb. All this to say, he has no idea what people go through in life and how they ended up where they’re at. It’s not fair to judge them because (to him) it may look like they’re not trying. Maybe they have tried and have been denied and rejected turn after turn and because of that they’ve given up. You. Just. Don’t. Know. I disagree with him in that, people adapt to their surroundings. Most people aren’t going to speak Ebonics to someone who is the CEO of a major company, but neither is anyone going to speak old school proper English to their friends. Your language changes depending on who you’re with or where you are, whether you realize it or not. It just does.

I do agree with him, however, in that in the past few years, “my people” have done things that don’t help how the world views us. We already have a hard-enough time, getting people to see us as more than cattle meant to be slaughtered. We already have a hard-enough time, getting the world to see us as people who have feelings; people who have hearts and people who bleed blood. We already have a hard-enough time, fighting for lives that we can barely protect ourselves. We walk outside in fear of possibly never seeing our loved ones again. We walk around in fear of being mistaken for someone else. Some of us, even walk around in fear of each other. When I was a little girl, I remember the very first racial case that shook the nation. I’m sure it was not the very first one, but it was the first that was publicized in the capacity that it was publicized in. The case of Abner Louima. 21 years ago, a man, a Black man, was beaten, and sodomized by law enforced so much to the point that he needed three surgeries to fix injuries that he had endured. All, because a police officer mistakened him for someone else. I remember Al Sharpton speaking out to the Black Community telling us to “rally together” and “stand for justice”. The problem with that was that there were some that took that to the extreme. Riots broke out and people started “wilding” out, all to make a point. But where was our fearless leader when things got out of hand? *Crickets* Where was he to say, “hey guys, this is not what I meant when I said ‘stand and fight.’” It’s no different than today. Black men and teens get shot every day because someone thinks that their lives aren’t worth living. The belief that we as a people, need to fight and stand up for justice hasn’t changed but neither has the extremist views.

I had a friend who used to always say, “the reality of things is A”. To be honest with you, it used to annoy me when he said that, because I always came from the perspective that truth is relative. But in this case, I think I’ll use his view point and say, the reality of things is violence does not fix everything. In most cases, it worsens it. If we think that violence is the only way we can change the world, then what a sad world we live in. Why do we do things like, drag a White man out of his car in the middle of the day and beat him senseless when he was doing nothing but minding his business at a red light? What did that accomplish? A cycle of violence and hatred. His son or his daughter now sees the Black community as one that has been believed for all these years, all because a group of guys decided it would be a good idea to enact revenge. But revenge on who? That man was innocent. I am not excusing or dismissing the innocent lives of my people that have been lost but I, also, will not say, that the things that we’ve done are okay. I want the people that view me as less than to see me differently. I want the people that view me as “wild” to see me for who I am. I want the racist, the prejudice to see me as human, but if they refuse to do so that’s on them, not me. I can walk away knowing that I have done every (non-violent) thing, I could do to help widen their eyes but if they chose to stay stuck in their ignorance – then so be it.

So, to the extremist, the one who thinks that violence is the answer to everything. To the cop who has admitted to and whose sole belief system is to “kill black people”: I live in fear because of you. Never have I ever been more afraid of leaving my house and never coming back than I do right now. Never have I ever been more afraid of answering my phone and hearing that a friend or my mom was killed because of you. I use fear as a tool that motivates me to live differently but every day I have to tell myself, “you are not one of them.” Never have I ever been more afraid to be Black than I do right now. The pigment on my skin does not change who I am. The coarseness of my hair does not change who I am. I am Black. I am a woman. A daughter, a friend, a sister. I am human. The blood in my veins is just as red as yours. It turns maroon the same way yours does when it pours out my wounds. My heart beats the same way yours does, and I have a life the same way you do. I do not want my last words to be, “Why did you shoot me?” (Kendrec McDale, age 19; died March 24, 2012). I do not want to say, “Please don’t let me die” (Kimani Gray; age 16; died March 9, 2013). Please, don’t let me die in silence, “….” (Jonathan Ferrel; age 24; died September 14, 2013).