#sure roald
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Madhouse at the End of the Earth by Julian Sancton
#sure roald#there’s no way that ends poorly for you#madhouse at the end of the earth#belgica expedition#roald amundsen#this guy’s insane#i love him#polar explorers#polar exploration#my drawings#polar explorer fanart#i’m not sure if i drew the right kind of penguin#or a big enough iceberg#but i had a lot of fun drawing them#(especially the penguin)#and that’s all that really matters
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historical comedy horror about Roald Amundsen and his doing what other, more colonial explorers of his age failed at. Badly
#is this anything#the terror#Antarctica#british antarctic survey#roald amundsen#it’s funny that he died trying to rescue some other people failing badly. when that plane went down he was probably like whateverrrrrr.#pretty sure he had two serious relationships in his life. Miss North Pole and her twin Miss South Pole#I imagine a series like this is in the tone of Our Flag Means Death. like sorry but yeah
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I love reading Roald Dahl short stories. For being a British military man born in the 1910’s, that man had a better grasp of the misogyny women dealt with than even some modern women today.
Just reread William & Mary Pearl, a short story in which a stodgy, controlling husband dies of cancer but has his brain and one eye preserved after his death. He writes his wife a letter in which he explains what happened, and he signs off with this:
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The story ends with her standing over his living brain and eyeball in their basin, defiantly blowing cigarette smoke into his eye, and planning to take him home so she can make him watch her do all the things he forbade her from doing during their marriage.
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He also has an excellent one in which a woman kills her ungrateful husband by clubbing him over the head with a frozen leg of lamb, calling the police and claiming she came home to find him dead, and as the police sit in her kitchen deliberating what the murder weapon could have been, she feeds them the very leg of lamb she murdered her husband with.
So many of his short stories revolve around men underestimating, undervaluing, or mistreating their wives and then getting their comeuppance in the most satisfying manner possible. And the way he writes about the frustration women feel at being restrained, coddled, devalued, dehumanized….I would love to have been able to have sat with him and really pick his brain to understand how a military man in the early 1900’s came to be so acutely aware of the frustrations of womanhood. Fuck that, actually I want to sit and pick the brains of all the women in his life!
#roald dahl#short stories#kiss kiss#Roald Dahl short stories#did he marry a suffragette or something?#I’ve read a bit about his life and it’s fairly crazy#I should delve more into the history of the women in his life#I’m sure it would be insightful#we’ve been working our way through his kids books with the kiddo#but mommy sneaks off and reads his dark short stories#bilbobawks
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Blogue
got a decent amount of work done today
spent the last day or two trying to switch as many numbers over from old phone -> new phone as i can, which is a fucking struggle and im glad ive got 2 months to sort it out (the contract doesnt end until march) bc i dont think ive had a new number since 2016 and i dread to think how many places that no. is registered (e.g. the allotment man called me on my old number, which is not something id have remembered to change)
submitted my tax return
dropped a glass jar on the floor, got a shard embedded in my foot, had to use tweezers to get it out, felt like a surgeon but it was kind of gross like digging around in there
ana has been watching twin peaks in the living room and i still dont like it at all lol
it's monday once again so im gonna try and call my dr (again) at 8.30. again
#dont ask me how im doing i dont know#twin peaks has that kind of enhanced reality vibe that i dont like but that i dont fully know how to explain#it's like uncanny valley but not re: faces#see also: roald dahl whose works i have always heavily disliked inc. matilda james giant peach charlie choc fact#there's probably other examples i could point to but i cant think of any rn#not sure what the line is bc i absolutely loved harry potter as a youth which is obviously not “real”#but jkr managed to make the whole wizarding thing seem fairly normal and mundane which i think is why it didnt bother me in the same way
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🤦♀️🤣
#I'm sure that's what it was#lmao#no#thousand squats#workout#meathead#leg cramp#roald#roald the penguin#acnh roald#acnh#acnh life#acnh island#acnh islanders#acnh villagers#acnh residents#acnh hype#acnh community#acnh blog#animal crossing#new horizons#animal crossing new horizons#animal crossing: new horizons#nintendo#nintendo switch#nintendo switch games#nintendo acnh#acnh nintendo#switch#switch games
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the attendees when they reached the event:
well that was a
A Willy Wonka pop-up event in Glasgow had attendees calling the police after they paid £35 and the event didn’t deliver what was promised.
Event goers were promised a whimsical adventure all themed around something Willy Wonka might create in his factory.
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Source
The keen-eyed amongst you might have noticed something a little bit…wrong.
Imagnation Lab. Encherining Entertainment. Catgacating. Live perforrmances. Cartchy tunes. Exarserdray lollipops. And my favourite “A pasadise of sweets teats”
But what did the event actually look like? WELL.
Feel like the marketing team got a bit carried away.
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#this is at the bottom of the twilight tunnel image#honestly reading the words at the bottom made me feel like i was having an aneurysm#I'm 98% sure this says 'unexpected twists'#but the longer i look at it the funnier it gets#“twits” like the book by roald dahl#the man who wrote charlie and the chocolate factory#“ukxepcted” jfc the human brain is brilliant if it can look at that and go#yeah that says 'unexpected'
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Matilda....
#mmm. keep making one girl focused aus based upon roald dahl books#anyway. marcy sure does fit the bill huh#GASP#what if i combined all the roald dahl aus into one? just need to find one for sasha now....
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“hey can we please have a normal conversation at dinner tonight.”
“what do you mean?”
“i mean can you please not bring up… y’know…..”
“no, i don’t know. what shouldn’t i bring up??”
“…forget it. i’m sure it’ll be fine.”
[2 hours later]
“—and the really interesting thing isn’t just that Dr. Cook figured out how to give the men of the Belgica antiscorbutics in their diet while they were trapped in the Antarctic, but that he also had the idea of light therapy by effectively prescribing the men who’d endured months of pure darkness to stand in front of a roaring fire. He didn’t just keep the men alive, he kept them from losing their minds entirely. It’s no wonder that Roald Amundsen felt so drawn to him—“
#i’m unwell about this man#belgica#frederick cook#polar exploration#madhouse at the end of the earth#polar#mp
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Albus really said "he didn't read enough fairy tales or use enough imagination as a kid. skill issue"
That time Dumbledore called Voldemort whimsy-less
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#to be fair I'm sure the orphanage nurses *tried* to read Tom Riddle stories but they were overworked#and then he got older and his vibe was off to literally everyone#but still.... skill issue#albus dumbledore#albus and voldemort#not fireandgold#Voldemort would sneer at a Roald Dahl book and that makes him a loser
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Since you’ve talked about Molly and Draco, can you talk about Snape as well? When you said that there was a disconnect with Snape’s character I honestly wasn’t sure if you meant the audience was supposed to like him more or less than they actually do.
This is a complicated one, because Book 1-3 Snape and Book 5-7 Snape are written so differently that I actually want to talk about them as two separate characters.
Book 1-3 Snape… kind of sucks. Maybe he sucks in a way you find funny (which I completely get. A lot of comedy - especially British comedy - revolves around finding the humor in really *mean* people. Snape is *written* to be funny in a dry, acerbic, Roald Dahl kind of way.) But maybe Snape sucks in a way that’s not fun for you, he’s just upsetting and cruel. Either way, he’s petty, unfair, a bully, completely unreasonable, and doesn’t really appear to have any redeeming qualities. Snape protects Harry in Book 1 only because James Potter saved his life and, according to Dumbledore:
“Professor Snape couldn’t bear being in your father’s debt. . . . I do believe he worked so hard to protect you this year because he felt that would make him and your father even. Then he could go back to hating your father’s memory in peace. . . .”
Later on, Snape’s motivation will become “Protect Harry because you couldn’t protect Lily.” But there’s no hint of that here.
I actually think it’s very likely that ‘Snape was in love with Lily’ is a plotline added during Book 4, because 1-3 Snape’s motivation is so completely focused on JAMES. He hates Harry because he looks like James, he hates James because (according to Lupin) he’s “jealous, I think, of James’s talent on the Quidditch field.” Within the context of the series it’s easy to say that Lupin is lying, and with good reason… but in the context of the first three books, I think that’s just meant to be true? Snape, as we know, is a stealth quidditch hooligan the way McGonagall is. Also… James’ characterization shifts around. He’s not a bully in the first three books, he’s Head Boy… and that Head Boy thing doesn’t quite gel with what we hear from Sirius later:
“No one would have made me a prefect, I spent too much time in detention with James. Lupin was the good boy, he got the badge.”
(I know JKR plans things out in advance, but she absolutely does change things on the fly. Arthur Weasley not getting killed by Nagini is an easy example that we definitely know about. And come on - the entire last book is a Deathly Hallows fetch-quest. Was there really no way to slip in a reference to Beedle the Bard - or a super-powerful semi-mythical wand - anywhere in the first six books?)
So, in books 1-3, there's no hint that Snape is a potion prodigy, particularly powerful, or even particularly clever. He wrote a logic puzzle and “knows an awful lot about the Dark Arts.” But that’s it. “Potion Master” isn’t an advanced rank, it’s just the posh British boarding school way of saying “teacher.” (Like headmaster = head teacher.) Early Snape is also a lot more *emotional* than he is later on, when his ability to “Master yourself!... control your anger, discipline your mind!” becomes extremely plot relevant. Like, can you picture 5-7 Snape (or Alan Rickman, who plays a distinctly later-books Snape) doing any of this?
Snape was beside himself. “OUT WITH IT, POTTER!” he bellowed. “WHAT DID YOU DO?” “Professor Snape!” shrieked Madam Pomfrey. “Control yourself!” “See here, Snape, be reasonable,” said Fudge. “This door’s been locked, we just saw —” “THEY HELPED HIM ESCAPE, I KNOW IT!” Snape howled, pointing at Harry and Hermione. His face was twisted; spit was flying from his mouth. “Calm down, man!” Fudge barked. “You’re talking nonsense!” “YOU DON’T KNOW POTTER!” shrieked Snape. “HE DID IT, I KNOW HE DID IT —”
In Movie 3, Snape gets a cool protective moment where he shoves the kids behind him during the werewolf attack. In Book 3, Snape is unconscious during the entire werewolf attack because Harry, Ron and Hermione simultaneously decide he’s too dangerous, and too much of a liability to keep around. Here are are some bangers from Book 3 Snape:
- “Don’t ask me to fathom the way a werewolf’s mind works.” - “KEEP QUIET, YOU STUPID GIRL!” Snape shouted, looking suddenly quite deranged. “DON’T TALK ABOUT WHAT YOU DON’T UNDERSTAND!” - “Up to the castle?... I don’t think we need to go that far. All I have to do is call the dementors once we get out of the Willow. They’ll be very pleased to see you, Black . . . pleased enough to give you a little Kiss, I daresay. . . .” - “I’ll drag the werewolf. Perhaps the dementors will have a Kiss for him too —”
If you sort of squint you can maybe say - okay, maybe this is a PTSD response. Like I’m writing a Snape POV fic right now, you can make it work. But it’s not work the books do for you, and it’s not the characterization choice they make in the films.
BUT. Snape goes through a little bit of a revamp/retcon in Book 4. It’s totally deliberate - he’s Book 1-3 Snape at the beginning, then he basically vanishes from the narrative… the reader kind of forgets about him… until it comes up during Karkaroff’s trial that Dumbledore ABSOLUTELY trusts him, even though he was a Death Eater. So now when Snape turns up at the climax - he’s a figure of intrigue, and it makes sense that he’s one of the two people Dumbledore brings with him to deal with Barty. Honestly, it’s a pretty cool magic trick. We buy it when - instead of hissing and spitting and hopping around like he does when he confronts Fudge at the end of Book 3 - Book 4 Snape deals with Fudge like this:
Snape strode forward… pulling up the left sleeve of his robes as he went. He stuck out his forearm and showed it to Fudge, who recoiled. “There,” said Snape harshly. “There. The Dark Mark. It is not as clear as it was an hour or so ago, when it burned black, but you can still see it. (...) This Mark has been growing clearer all year. Karkaroff’s too. Why do you think Karkaroff fled tonight? We both felt the Mark burn. We both knew he had returned. Karkaroff fears the Dark Lord’s vengeance.”
Calm, collected, focused. This is a character who you’re supposed to take seriously, a character who you are supposed to respect.
I think it’s very interesting that after Book 4, we don’t see Snape *bully* the students during class again. He’s strict, and he’s a hard grader, and Harry still thinks he’s unfair, but like… the narrative framing is on his side now.
“Tell me, Potter,” said Snape softly, “can you read?” Draco Malfoy laughed. “Yes, I can,” said Harry, his fingers clenched tightly around his wand. “Read the third line of the instructions for me, Potter.” Harry squinted at the blackboard(… ) His heart sank. He had not added syrup of hellebore, but had proceeded straight to the fourth line of the instructions after allowing his potion to simmer for seven minutes. “Did you do everything on the third line, Potter?” “No,” said Harry very quietly. “I beg your pardon?” “No,” said Harry, more loudly. “I forgot the hellebore...” “I know you did, Potter, which means that this mess is utterly worthless. Evanesco.” The contents of Harry’s potion vanished; he was left standing foolishly beside an empty cauldron. “Those of you who have managed to read the instructions, fill one flagon with a sample of your potion, label it clearly with your name, and bring it up to my desk for testing.” (...) “That was really unfair,” said Hermione consolingly, sitting down next to Harry (...) “Yeah, well,” said Harry, glowering at his plate, “since when has Snape ever been fair to me?”
Like he isn’t nice, but he also isn’t asking Harry questions he can’t possibly know the answers to, threatening to kill someone’s pet, or calling Hermione ugly. He didn’t even take away house points. And - during the next lesson, we are told that the approach Snape took with Harry actually worked?
Determined not to give Snape an excuse to fail him this lesson, Harry read and reread every line of the instructions on the blackboard at least three times before acting on them. His Strengthening Solution was not precisely the clear turquoise shade of Hermione’s but it was at least blue rather than pink, like Neville’s, and he delivered a flask of it to Snape’s desk at the end of the lesson with a feeling of mingled defiance and relief.
I want to do one more close read, on a excerpt from Book 5:
Harry realized how much Professor McGonagall cared about beating Slytherin when she abstained from giving them homework in the week leading up to the match. (...) Nobody could quite believe their ears until she looked directly at Harry and Ron and said grimly, “I’ve become accustomed to seeing the Quidditch Cup in my study, boys, and I really don’t want to have to hand it over to Professor Snape, so use the extra time to practice, won’t you?” Snape was no less obviously partisan: He had booked the Quidditch pitch for Slytherin practice so often that the Gryffindors had difficulty getting on it to play. He was also turning a deaf ear to the many reports of Slytherin attempts to hex Gryffindor players in the corridors. When Alicia Spinnet turned up in the hospital wing with her eyebrows growing so thick and fast that they obscured her vision and obstructed her mouth, Snape insisted that she must have attempted a Hair-Thickening Charm on herself and refused to listen to the fourteen eyewitnesses who insisted that they had seen the Slytherin Keeper, Miles Bletchley, hit her from behind with a jinx.
This has a very similar structure to the sequence when Snape refuses to punish Draco for enlarging Hermione’s teeth. Slytherins and Gryffindors having an altercation, Gryffindor girl gets caught in the crossfire. BUT a few key things have been changed. One - the section is told in second-hand narration, which makes it less emotional than the teeth-scene. Two - the section begins with comparing Snape to McGonagall: she’s being biased/helping out her students too, so it’s only fair if he does it as well. Three - his insult isn’t “Your face has always looked like that,” it’s “You must have messed up a spell,” which is a lot less personal, and a lot less mean. (If anything, Snape is subtly insulting her for casting a cosmetic charm/being too girly… and being a girly-girl is an inherently suspect characteristic in JKR’s world.) Everything about this passage is set up to create a “Snape the Bully” moment… that kind of excuses Snape.
So, what do we have? There are the people that think Book 1-3 Snape just went too far, and you can soften the narrative framing around him, and you can add in as many tragic backstories as you want, and it doesn’t really matter. THAT is definitely not what JKR wants you to think. She wants to bring you along for the ride, and (as you can tell from the framing) she's started to like Snape a lot.
HOWEVER. I do not think that the fan who likes 5-7 Alan Rickman Snape is… quite seeing the same thing she is. I get the sense that in the text, Snape’s tragic backstory is not meant to *explain* his bad behavior so much as it is meant to *excuse* it. He stays mean and bad-tempered… but he’s allowed to be, both because he is always acting in service to a Good Cause, and because he was abused at home, bullied at school, etc. A big part of why I think JKR likes writing Snape so much (and why she’s so protective of him) is because she finds something cathartic in letting a character be nasty… but for it to be allowed because they’ve suffered, and also because they're in the right. Sadly I think this describes a lot of her current online interactions.
JKR also loves the idea of *pining.* (It is crazy how long the main characters’ pining/longing/will-they-won’t-they thing in the Cormoran Strike books has lasted.) It’s a very safe kind of romance, and (again, sadly) you can tell from her writing that romance is not generally something that feels safe to her. Snape is sometimes characterized by those who dislike the character as an incel-type who wants to possess Lily, and I just don’t think that’s in the text. If anything it’s the other way around. Snape has some unconsummated, medieval courtly love thing going on, where he has decided to live his life in Lily’s service.
I wrote about why I think Draco Malfoy (unintentionally) appeals to fans. With Snape… I actually think a lot of his current (unintentional) appeal comes from the way a softer Snape reframes the narrative into something more complex, and especially the way it reframes Dumbledore. Manipulative/Morally Grey Dumbledore is a *very* popular fan interpretation, and the way you get that is with a sympathetic Severus Snape.
“You disgust me,” said Dumbledore, and Harry had never heard so much contempt in his voice. Snape seemed to shrink a little. (...) “Hide them all, then,” he croaked. “Keep her — them — safe. Please.” “And what will you give me in return, Severus?” “In — in return?” Snape gaped at Dumbledore, and Harry expected him to protest, but after a long moment he said, “Anything.”
The implications here are really far reaching. Because to me, the main question when it comes to Snape is - why does he STAY at Hogwarts? He clearly hates it, why doesn’t he just leave? If you’re talking about 1-3 Snape, it's because he’s eternally holding out for the Defense Against the Dark Arts job, and he’s just kind of a twisted miserable guy who would probably be equally miserable everywhere.
But books 5-7 add the context that he’s brilliant, he’s brave, he’s principled, he’s got a sense of humor. He seems close with the Malfoys. He has *options.* So now the (unintended?) implication is… he doesn’t leave because Dumbledore won’t let him. The fact that he keeps applying for the DADA job becomes dark and borderline suicidal when we learn it’s cursed, and that Snape knows it’s cursed. If he takes it, he’ll leave (or die) at the end of the year. That means, every year, he’s tacitly asking Dumbledore “Can I leave?” And Dumbledore is answering “No.”
That’s such an interesting, juicy character dynamic. Snape is being kept miserable on purpose because… he’s easier to control that way? And if that’s true… then oh boy is it sinister that Dumbledore left Harry with the Dursleys. He knew he was raising Harry “like a pig for slaughter” (as Snape puts it.) And if Harry doesn’t have a support system, if he’s miserable, if Dumbledore can swoop in as his savior… then doesn’t that make him so much easier to control?
#severus snape#severus snape meta#hp#jkr critical#anti jkr#albus dumbledore#hp close read#literary analysis
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In My Hometown
Summary: At a crime scene in Y/N's hometown, they learn the tale of her hometown's three (somewhat, definitely evil) crooks. Boggis, Bunce, and Bean. After solving the case, the BAU team gets to meet some important people in Y/N's life.
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Note: Boggis, Bunce and Bean are from Fantastic Mr. Fox by Roald Dahl - one of my favourites as a kid.
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As Spencer looked over the map of the small Pennsylvania town, he spotted the three large farms on the outskirts. "Y/N, who lives here?" He points to the board. It would be quicker to ask Y/N than to look through a census.
"That's Boggis," she points to one farm. "That's Bunce," she points to another. "And that's Bean," she points to the final farm.
"Weird names," Morgan says as he walks through the door with Emily in tow.
Emily shrugs her shoulder. "Weird town."
"Hey!" Y/N calls, looking over at Emily Prentiss. "I can say it, you can't. This town traumatised me, but hey. Who's hometown didn't?"
Morgan nods at her statement, along with Spencer.
"Who are these three farmers then?" Spencer asks. When they spoke about their childhood on their second date, she never mentioned these three people.
She was able to borrow a book from Spencer, which had been reading about her hometown. She opened the page to Walt Boggis. "This is Walt Boggis. He is a chicken farmer. Probably the most successful in the world. He weighs the same as a young rhinoceros," she starts, watching as JJ's eyes widen as she walks in with Hotch and the small town's police chief. "He eats three chickens a day for breakfast, lunch, supper, and dessert."
"That's twelve a day!" Emily exclaims.
"How do you know this?" Morgan asks.
Y/N shrugs her shoulders. "Everyone knows this," which was echoed by the police chief.
She turned a few pages over. "This is Nate Bunce. He is a duck and goose farmer. He is approximately the size of a pot-bellied pig, and his chin would be underwater in the shallow end of any swimming pool on the planet," she explains, looking down at a picture of the possibly the least scary of the three men. "His food is homemade doughnuts, with smashed-up goose livers injected into them."
She then turned to the final page. "Frank Bean is a turkey and apple farmer. He invented his own species of each," she says.
"Impressive," Derek comments.
"He lives on a liquid diet of strong alcoholic cider, which he makes from his apples," she shuts the book and looks at the team. "He's as skinny as a pencil, as smart as a whip, and possibly the scariest man currently living."
Spencer looked over his girlfriend's shoulder and flipped the book open to see the picture of Frank Bean. "Definitely terrifying, I don't think Morgan could beat him in a fight."
Morgan agreed, having seen the picture in the book of the man.
"Tell 'em about the rhyme you lot sing," the police chief says, with a growing smirk on his face.
Y/N pulls a face. "In my defence, I was taught it by my brother, who learned it from one of his school friends. You get the picture, school kids have been singing this for years?"
When the team understood, Y/N sighed and started singing. "Boggis, Bunce, and Bean. One fat, one short, one lean. These horrible crooks, so different in looks, but nonetheless equally mean."
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As much as Y/N wanted it to, there was nothing to tie the three businessmen/farmers to the murders found in their fields/yards.
But considering how crappily they treat their employees, anyone was a suspect...
By the time 9 o'clock rolled around, Hotch sent everyone back to the hotel to get some sleep and hopefully be well rested in case a new body turned up tomorrow morning.
After Spencer and Y/N let their relationship be known to the team, they have been able to share a room every time they go out of state for a case (something Morgan is grateful for, now that he no longer has to share with the BAU resident genius who had a bad habit for reading until 2/3am...)
However, now that Spencer is rooming with Y/N - he makes sure he is in bed at a reasonable hour.
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After closing the case, Y/N turned around to look at Hotch. "Is it okay if I go visit my parents before the plane arrives?" She asked, looking at the unit chief almost pleadingly (but everyone knew he would say yes; no one could really say no to Y/N).
"Of course, but take those four with you," Hotch counters, pointing at her four other teammates.
Y/N looked from the four to her boss just as she was about to counter-argue (which would be like arguing against a wall; Hotch was a prosecutor). She scrunched up her nose. "Fine," turning to look at her colleagues. "I'm going to see my parents, you four are coming with me."
"Embarrassing pictures of Y/N? Yes, please!" Derek exclaimed, instantly climbing into the passenger seat of the car.
Emily climbed in behind the driver's seat, leaving Y/N and Spencer outside the car. "You okay, Spence?" Other than JJ, Y/N was the only other person to call him 'Spence'.
"Hmm? Yeah, I'm fine," Spencer said, climbing in behind Derek. This would be the first time anyone in the team would be meeting your parents (having only heard your mom talk on the phone), but Spencer - would be meeting his girlfriend's parents for the first time. Sweet, kind Y/N. Who wears her heart on her sleeve and hates upsetting people. Apart from serial killers, she has managed to make two of them burst into tears since she started working with them 3 years ago.
Sweet, kind Y/N who Spencer couldn't help but love. Lovely Y/N who didn't know the extent of Spencer's feelings. After what happened to Maeve, Spencer never thought he would love again, doomed to spend the rest of his life alone, haunted by a ghost he saw a handful of times. But Y/N appeared out of nowhere and practically knocked him off his feet.
Not practically, literally. She had collided with him in a flutter of BAU papers on her first day after a meeting with Hotch.
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Morgan had reached for the GPS, only for his hand to be swatted by Y/N. "You do realise I grew up in this town, right? I know this town like the back of my hand. I'm pretty sure I have it imprinted onto my eyelids."
Derek holds his hands up in defence. "OK, let's go meet the parents!"
As they drove through the little town, Y/N would often point out different spots and what had happened there. Her old elementary school. The old shopping mall building where a food fight had once broken out and the police had to be called after a meatball hit a young boy who had glass in. The slightly run-down theatre where she had her first kiss.
Y/N was so focused on the traffic and telling stories of her childhood her driving went into autopilot, and before they knew it, they had arrived at her childhood home.
"Impressive," JJ comments on her driving.
Y/N got out of the car and looked at the home she grew up in. The roof, where she had gotten stuck stargazing (more than once), her parent's bedroom window had seen a baseball fly through it during a long game in the middle of the street. The patch on the porch where her childhood dog used to sleep for hours on end.
She reached into her pocket and pulled out a set of keys. Y/N found the one she wanted and unlocked the door, motioning her team behind her to please be quiet.
The entryway hadn't changed since she moved. Her mother's cherry red coat was hanging on a peg, and a slightly faded picture from her parent's wedding was sitting on the side table. She heard her mother call her father's name. She chuckled silently as she motioned for the team to come in. "It's me, mom!"
The sound of some kind of crockery hit the floor in the kitchen, and hurried footsteps made their way throughout the house. "Y/N! Oh, my baby girl!"
Y/N's mom wrapped her daughter and held her tightly to her chest. Spencer couldn't help but watch with a little bit of envy, how attentive and loving Y/N's mom is.
"Hi, mom!" Y/N's voice was a little bit muffled in her mother's shoulder. Once she was finally released, the newest member of the BAU turned around to look at her teammates. "Guys, this is my mom. Mom, this is Emily, JJ, Derek and Spencer."
Derek, Emily and JJ were all greeted with similar hugs until Derek spotted one of Y/N's baby pictures hanging on the wall. Leaving Spencer with his girlfriend and her mom.
"You must be Spencer then," her mother says somewhat slyly. Y/N's hushed 'Mom!' was ignored. "My daughter's told me everything about you."
Spencer feels his heart stop for a moment. Everything, everything?
"A literally genius, who can read a book in minutes and recite it back word for word. The resident genius on everything," her mom smiles.
Y/N could see the trio in the living room, who was looking at a picture of her parent's wedding day, so she hurried away to supervise them.
Leaving Spencer alone with his girlfriend's mom. "What do you mean when you say Y/N told you, everything?"
"Born and raised in Vegas, you were forced to grow up too quickly as you looked after your mom and jumped grades rapidly. Graduated high school when you were 12, three PhDs, the youngest person ever to join the BAU," Spencer flushed slightly. "And in love with my daughter."
Spencer looked up at her with wide eyes before he could say anything. "Don't try and lie to me, honey. The eyes never lie." Spencer dips his head to look at his shoes. "Now, come on. I have some more baby pictures to embarrass Y/N with."
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Just as Y/N's mom was going to flip to a new page of Y/N's childhood, the front door opened. "Honey, I'm home," could be heard. This was obviously Y/N's dad.
Round the corner came... the police chief?
"Hi, honey," Y/N's mom greeted with a smile.
"Hi, dad."
Spencer looks between the police chief (who he now knows is Y/N's father) and his girlfriend. The similarities were uncanny - how he didn't pick it up when they first arrived, he'll never know.
"I'm sorry," Derek interrupts. "The chief of police is your father?"
Y/N nods. "He was the police chief when I was 17 and getting a driver's license. And he's still the police chief now."
#spencer reid#spencer reid x reader#spencer reid x you#criminal minds fic#spencer reid x y/n#spencer reid x self insert#criminal minds x reader
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Sure Timothee shamalamadingdong is talented but IMAGINE Matthew Gray Gubler as WILLY WONKA.
Like this man is so Roald Dahl coded oh my gosh.
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#i need this#this needs to happen#matthew gray gubler#mgg#gublernation#gublerland#gublergram#dr spencer reid#spencer reid#willy wonka#wonka#wonka movie#roald dahl#timothée chalamet#timothee chalamet
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The only people who read Lolita as a romance also see Rick as the hero and Tyler Durden as admirable. It's a fundamental flaw in understanding social interactions and narrative function
Having now listened to Lolita as an audiobook I don’t understand how anyone could interpret it as a romance. Yes, it’s written from Humbert’s viewpoint and he’s trying to make himself seem less vile than he is but Vladimir Nabokov is a fantastic writer who makes it very clear how awful Humbert is.
Dolores is in physical pain, she’s angry at Humbert all the time, he constantly watches over her to prevent her from escaping, he considers having children with her so he can continue the abuse against his own offspring, he picks a house close to a school so he want ogle the girls, he does everything in his power to hide what he’s doing to her, and a school psychologist questions him about Dolores’ strange behavior around the topic of sex and relationships just to mention a few things.
He clearly knows he’s hurting Dolores and that she’s always looking for a way to escape while also trying to appease him by initiating sex because as Humbert himself says “she had nowhere else to go” but as soon as she sees a way out she’s gone.
All I can say is if I meet someone who just accepts Humbert’s narrative and truly believes it’s a romance I’ll stay as far away from them as possible while also watching them like a hawk around children. Also, what the fuck Stanley Kubrick? Ew.
#I'm absolutely judging these people#from a distance because they're scary#also I'm 73% sure Roald Dahl was this
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Summaries under the cut
Anne of Green Gables by L. M. Montgomery
Anne Shirley, an eleven-year-old orphan, has arrived in this verdant corner of Prince Edward Island only to discover that the Cuthberts—elderly Matthew and his stern sister, Marilla—want to adopt a boy, not a feisty redheaded girl. But before they can send her back, Anne—who simply must have more scope for her imagination and a real home—wins them over completely.
The Lunar Chronicles by Marissa Meyer
Humans and androids crowd the raucous streets of New Beijing. A deadly plague ravages the population. From space, a ruthless Lunar people watch, waiting to make their move. No one knows that Earth’s fate hinges on one girl. . . . Cinder, a gifted mechanic, is a cyborg.
She’s a second-class citizen with a mysterious past, reviled by her stepmother and blamed for her stepsister’s illness. But when her life becomes intertwined with the handsome Prince Kai’s, she suddenly finds herself at the center of an intergalactic struggle, and a forbidden attraction. Caught between duty and freedom, loyalty and betrayal, she must uncover secrets about her past in order to protect her world’s future.
Charlie and the Chocolate Factory by Roald Dahl
Charlie Bucket's wonderful adventure begins when he finds one of Mr. Willy Wonka's precious Golden Tickets and wins a whole day inside the mysterious chocolate factory. Little does he know the surprises that are in store for him!
Uglies by Scott Westerfeld
Tally is about to turn sixteen, and she can't wait. In just a few weeks she'll have the operation that will turn her from a repellent ugly into a stunning pretty. And as a pretty, she'll be catapulted into a high-tech paradise where her only job is to have fun.
But Tally's new friend Shay isn't sure she wants to become a pretty. When Shay runs away, Tally learns about a whole new side of the pretty world—and it isn't very pretty. The authorities offer Tally a choice: find her friend and turn her in, or never turn pretty at all. Tally's choice will change her world forever....
Number the Stars by Lois Lowry
Ten-year-old Annemarie Johansen and her best friend Ellen Rosen often think of life before the war. It's now 1943 and their life in Copenhagen is filled with school, food shortages, and the Nazi soldiers marching through town. When the Jews of Denmark are "relocated," Ellen moves in with the Johansens and pretends to be one of the family. Soon Annemarie is asked to go on a dangerous mission to save Ellen's life.
The Graveyard Book by Neil Gaiman
Nobody Owens, known to his friends as Bod, is a perfectly normal boy. Well, he would be perfectly normal if he didn't live in a graveyard, being raised and educated by ghosts, with a solitary guardian who belongs to neither the world of the living nor the world of the dead.
There are dangers and adventures for Bod in the graveyard: the strange and terrible menace of the Sleer; a gravestone entrance to a desert that leads to the city of ghouls; friendship with a witch, and so much more.
But it is in the land of the living that real danger lurks, for it is there that the man Jack lives and he has already killed Bod's family.
Bridge to Terabithia by Katherine Paterson
Jess Aarons has been practicing all summer so he can be the fastest runner in the fifth grade. And he almost is, until the new girl in school, Leslie Burke, outpaces him. The two become fast friends and spend most days in the woods behind Leslie's house, where they invent an enchanted land called Terabithia. One morning, Leslie goes to Terabithia without Jess and a tragedy occurs. It will take the love of his family and the strength that Leslie has given him for Jess to be able to deal with his grief.
The BFG by Roald Dahl
Captured by a giant! The BFG is no ordinary bone-crunching giant. He is far too nice and jumbly. It's lucky for Sophie that he is. Had she been carried off in the middle of the night by the Bloodbottler, the Fleshlumpeater, the Bonecruncher, or any of the other giants-rather than the BFG-she would have soon become breakfast.
When Sophie hears that they are flush-bunking off in England to swollomp a few nice little chiddlers, she decides she must stop them once and for all. And the BFG is going to help her!
Graceling by Kristen Cashore
Katsa has been able to kill a man with her bare hands since she was eight—she’s a Graceling, one of the rare people in her land born with an extreme skill. As niece of the king, she should be able to live a life of privilege, but Graced as she is with killing, she is forced to work as the king’s thug.
She never expects to fall in love with beautiful Prince Po.
She never expects to learn the truth behind her Grace—or the terrible secret that lies hidden far away . . . a secret that could destroy all seven kingdoms with words alone.
A Light in the Attic by Shel Silverstein
Here in the attic of Shel Silverstein you will find Backward Bill, Sour Face Ann, the Meehoo with an Exactlywatt, and the Polar Bear in the Frigidaire. You will talk with Broiled Face, and find out what happens when Somebody steals your knees, you get caught by the Quick-Digesting Gink, a Mountain snores, and They Put a Brassiere on the Camel.
#best childhood book#poll#anne of green gables#the lunar chronicles#charlie and the chocolate factory#uglies#number the stars#the graveyard shift#bridge to terabithia#the bfg#graceling#a light in the attic
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thinkin bout like, ed and stede as kids in the 80s. they're like, 10, maybe. let's say ed's 8 and stede's 10. and stede goes to the library to return a bunch of books and check out new ones. so he returns his books and wanders around the library to find new books to read, and ends up in the nonfiction section all the way at the back which is completely empty, except for a pair of feet sticking out from a gap between a couch and the wall. this seems pretty odd to stede, so he walks over and sees a kid hiding inside an oversized hoodie, curled up to be as small as possible. because of the hoodie stede can't see much of them. he hears little sniffles. in his head he hears his dad's voice telling him to mind his own business and not bother strangers. but something's off here. and fuck his dad.
"hello? are you ok?"
the child goes very still and quiet. "don't tell anyone I'm here," they say, barely audibly.
"I won't. it's a public library, you're allowed to be here, you know. at least until six. if you're worried about getting in trouble for being unsupervised, miss lisa says kids are welcome with or without a parent."
"oh..."
the kid pulls their hoodie down to reveal a tearstained face. he wipes his nose and runs his hands through his hair to smooth it out. he looks a little bit younger than stede.
"so... are you okay?" stede asks again.
the kid pulls his legs into his chest. "I'm fine."
stede frowns. the kid is very obviously not fine. "I'm stede."
"...ed."
"so... are you picking up some summer reading?"
the boy shakes his head, and stede feels something squirm in his gut. "summer reading?" really? now ed's gonna think stede is a big loser nerd. which he is.
"some tapes?" stede asks. "they have a lot of cool movies on VHS."
ed shook his head again.
he wasn't being very conversational, and stede didn't exactly know where to go from here. he didn't want to leave ed alone, though. he still looked terrified.
"you wanna... sit on the couch, at least?"
ed seemed to consider it for a moment, and then nodded. he extracted himself from his spot and curled up on the couch instead, fitting as much of himself into the hoodie as he could. it was an old, gray hoodie, with the name and symbol of the local public high school on the top left bit of the chest.
"do you have an older sibling?" stede asked.
ed shook his head. "it's my mama's. from when she was in school."
"I don't have any older siblings either. or younger siblings."
"I'm an only child too."
"do you get lonely?" stede asked without thinking. his face turned beet red immediately after, mortified that he said that out loud. ed was gonna laugh at him for sure. but when stede dared to look back at ed's face, he looked sad and thoughtful.
"maybe..." ed said in a small voice. "my apartment's too small to feel really lonely though. that's why I came here."
"oh..." stede said. he couldn't relate, and he felt rather awkward. ed seemed to feel vaguely awkward as well. "do you like reading?" he blurted out.
ed bit his lower lip. "yeah, but not for school."
"school sucks."
"school sucks so much!"
"do you like roald dahl?"
ed shrugged. "who's that?"
"he's a writer from england. I love his books. my favorite is 'danny the champion of the world.' it's about a boy and his dad who get revenge on an evil beer baron by stealing all his pheasants. they live in a little caravan together and his dad owns a gas station. his mom died when he was three months old but his dad takes care of him and walks him to school and is in on the plot to steal all the pheasants. in fact, his dad teaches him how to poach. that's what it's called. poaching, not stealing. his dad makes fire balloons and kites too and at one point danny has to drive a car and his dad doesn't get mad at him at all."
"that sounds like a good book."
"c'mon, the library has a copy. let's see if it's in."
they went to the YA section and found the book. stede found "tales of a fourth grade nothing" and decided it looked interesting. then they went back to their quiet, empty section of the library, and read their books while sitting shoulder to shoulder on the couch.
when stede finished, he looked up at the clock on the wall. "oh dear. it's 5:45."
ed looked up from his book. "danny the champion of the world" was much longer than "tales of a fourth grade nothing," so he hadn't finished it.
"c'mon. let's go check it out."
"I can't," ed said in a small voice. "I don't have a library card."
"I can check it out then," stede said.
first, they went back to the YA section, so stede could swap "tales of a fourth grade nothing" out for "otherwise known as sheila the great," and then they went back to the front desk, and stede checked out the two books. they walked out the door and towards main street together.
"I should probably go home," stede said. "my dad will have a fit if I'm not home in time for dinner..."
"I should go home too..."
stede stopped walking, and pulled a pen and small notebook out of his pocket, and wrote something down. he tore the page out and handed it to ed. "this is my phone number. it's mine. my grandma got me my own phone line for my 10th birthday. My dad thinks I'm too young to have my own separate line, but my grandma told him..." stede lowered his voice, "to 'stuff it.' so you can call it and it only rings the phone in my room, and none of the others."
"wow..." ed said. "I wish I had my own phone. ours is in the kitchen. it's not very private..."
"well... you can call me and we can arrange to hang out, and then we can talk about private things."
ed's smile grew a thousand times, and it made stede smile too. "okay! I will!"
"I'm only here until the end of summer, though," stede said, hating the way it wiped the smile off of ed's face. "at the end of august my dad's shipping me back to boarding school. there's a phone on the first floor of the dormitories but it's not exactly private either... still... and we can write letters--" stede cut himself off. "sorry, I don't know why I'm saying all of this."
"coz... we're friends?"
"really? and you would wanna write letters?"
ed nodded. "yeah. I think so."
they walked to main street, and then started in opposite directions. they stopped and turned around and looked at each other.
"wanna go to rocky's arcade tomorrow?" ed asked.
"I've never been there."
"it's in the same strip mall as the wal-mart."
stede nodded. "ok, sure. when?"
"two?"
"ok. see you tomorrow!"
"see you tomorrow!"
for a moment they stood, facing each other awkwardly.
"well, bye!" stede said.
"bye!"
they turned and walked their separate ways. they needed to come up with a secret handshake.
when stede got home, he realized he never figured out why ed was crying and hiding in the first place. as he rushed up to his room to comb his hair and put on a polo and khakis for dinner, he wondered if he wanted to know. at seven pm sharp he was sitting in the same spot he always did at the dinner table, keeping his eyes on his plate and letting his father prattle on about the stock market. he wished he could proudly tell his parents he made a friend today and they would be proud and ask him about his friend. but he knew by now that they weren't going to be happy, because nothing he did ever made them happy.
he wondered what ed was eating for dinner. he wondered if ed's dining room table was happier than his. if his parents would enjoy listening to him talk about his new friend. he had a feeling deep down that the image he conjured in his head of a happy mom and a dad who looked suspiciously like quentin blake's drawings of danny's dad and ed at a happy table together was not very aligned with reality. still, he let himself fantasize for a second, about being invited to a sleepover with a happy family, and staying up all night with ed watching television and tapes and playing games and sleeping on the floor in sleeping bags.
he sighed quietly and kept his eyes on his underflavored chicken and broccoli.
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looking for a review of titina (2022) that I'm pretty sure I didn't just make up that said "roald amundsens personality trait is that he ate dogs that one time"
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