#sure hope la forza wins so i have to write it

[vera-dauriac]

Beloved, sometime forgotten La forza duet, I shall never forget you.

[unibrowzz]

My 2020 reviews

All the cool kids were doing these so now I finally dragged my ass into doing them too lmao. 

Albania- Fall from the Sky

A song I swear cursed this whole contest from the moment it won Festivali i Këngës. Like with the shitshow this song caused I just knew the whole year was fucked. With half the fandom whining they didn’t get their first club song of the year to the other half smugly shoving it as their winner despite no other songs being around to compare it to, the whole fiasco just left me knowing that 2020 would end in tears, just hopefully not my own. As for the song, it’s lame. It’s a standard ballad with OBSCENE amounts of autotune, which is weird because the girl can actually sing pretty decently without it, so why they decided to make her sound like a damn computer is beyond me. And WHY did they translate it, haven't the past few years proven that Albania's better off leaving their songs in Albanian? 

Armenia- Chains on You

A bootleg Ariana Grande song, and a really shit one at that. The kind of song only people who think being young, gay and mean counts as having a personality would say is good.

Australia- Don’t Break Me

One of the few decent Australian entries (but that REALLY isn’t saying much coming from me, I barely care they’re in the contest by this point) but marred by a horribly untidy performance and lacklustre lyrics. At least it’s not fucking pop-opera, that’s all I can say. I’d rather listen to the sound of my face being dragged down the runway at Heathrow airport than be subjected to another Zero Gravity.

Austria- Alive

One of those pseudo-jazz dance songs, á la Olly Murs or Bruno Mars (I swear there’s a song like this in every recent contest). I mean, it’s good, but it’s just kinda meh since I’m kinda getting tired of this genre rearing its fedora-wearing head every time a new lineup rolls in.

Azerbaijan- Cleopatra

One of the “better” trashy entries this year, comprised of about five different musical genres, six ancient cultures being appropriated and absolutely zero class. Probably sounds at least 50% better when you’re absolutely steaming drunk and face down on the floor in the middle of a gay bar.

Belarus- Da Vidna

Somehow, this song sounds both very unique and original yet trite and average at the same time. I couldn’t decide whether listening to it was a new experience or if I’d heard it a million times before.

Belgium- Release Me

A song which just drones on till it ends. I would say it’s ripping off the song that won last year, but it forgot that having a chorus stops your song from being three minutes of snooze.

Bulgaria- Tears Getting Sober

A typical breathy mumble-girl song, AKA a genre I can’t fucking stand. Really don’t see the hype with this one, the melody is pretty but the vocals are out for lunch and it’s otherwise completely and utterly boring.

Croatia- Divlji Vjetre

One of the token big dramatic ballads you listen to once, enjoy, then forget about until Darius in the Discord server plays it one night whilst you’re hitting up the radio bot with requests. You’ll find that “nice, but forgettable” is a common theme for this year.

Cyprus- Running

Ironically Cyprus didn’t send a crappy Fuego knockoff for 2020, and I say ironically because a crappy Fuego knockoff would’ve actually stood out this year, and I say crappy because honestly Fuego wasn’t even all that great to begin with. "Running” itself is just one of those edgy tortured soul pop songs which, let’s be honest, would have been paired with an impressive performance which would’ve overshadowed how bland it is. Kind of like “You’re the Only One”. Or even Fuego for that matter.

Czech Republic- Kemama

Standard Afro-pop, a genre we don't often see at the contest so I'll let it pass. I feel like this is the kind of song that’s infinitely better live, and that it would’ve been one of those songs that suddenly became a frontrunner after the semi finals, but I guess we’ll never know eh?

Denmark- Yes 

The quintessential mid-10s Eurovision song. It's got guitars, happy people, Scandinavian origins… it’s just a typical radio guitar song, nothing special.

Estonia- What Love Is

I mean it's better than La Forza. Granted, the sound of someone pissing directly onto a microphone installed in the bowl of a toilet would sound better than La Forza but still. Going back to this song, it’s just... a standard Eastern-ballad with some very desperate lyrics. It feels kind of outdated, if I’m honest. Like something about this just reeks of 2011.

Finland- Looking Back

Yet another dreary, forgettable ballad. It comes to something when the best song they COULD have sent was a party song which sounded like it was from the mid 90s. At least that song was memorable. That said, this one at least has some decent lyrics. Bravo for that I guess.

France- Mon Alliée

France decides to say “fuck it” to being an underground fan-favourite and takes a leaf out of the UKs book by sending the same rent-a-Swede schlock they’ve been sending since 2015. I’m just confused as to why anyone in their right mind would choose to follow the UKs example but you do you France.

Germany- Violent Thing

A rehash of Sweden's entry from two years ago, but this time sung by Justin Bieber circa 2008. Kind of alright if you can stomach the singer's whiny voice, but otherwise pretty dull and kinda forgettable.

Greece- Superg!rl

Hello fellow kidz, we are hearing you like the girl power? The super heroes? The t3xt $p3ech? We made you song, please give us the votes *dabs*

Georgia- Take me as I Am

I mean… this sure is a choice. This feels like one of those songs that everyone memes on because the lyrics are kinda janky and the singer’s voice (and accent) take a bit of getting used to, but other than that it’s just one of those NQ songs for hipster fans to declare as their unironic winner at a later date. All in all this just feels like the male equivalent of one of those mid-10s fat acceptance women’s songs, only a lot shoutier and this time he has more flaws than not being skinny.

Iceland- Think About Things 

A bootleg George Ezra song, performed by a load of disinterested tumblr users in their pyjamas. Because if there’s one thing that sells me on a song, it’s being given the evils by a bunch of nerds who look like they’ll send me death threats for not agreeing with their Pokémon headcanons. To be fair, the song is kind of groovy since it sounds so 70s, but the performance is very off-putting to people who aren’t in the Eurovision loop. And also people who are, because I sure as Hell don’t see the appeal in this myself and this whole performance just feels like Save Your Kisses for Me without the charm. I feel like this would’ve come second or third, definitely with a lot of televotes but either the jury would’ve dragged it down or it wouldn’t have scored enough televotes to win.

Ireland- Story of my Life

A song that’s at LEAST ten years out of date by this point, think like an early Katy Perry, Jessie J or Avril Lavigne song. I’ll forgive it because even though it sounds like it should’ve been entered in 2013 (at the latest), it at least evokes some nostalgic memories of shitty school discos and holiday parks.

Israel- Feker Libi

The female equivalent of the Czech song. Unsurprisingly, people went wild for it when it was released. I guess only women are allowed to sing Afro-pop at this contest. Like with the Czech song, I’ll forgive it since Afro-pop is a cool genre anyway, and even though this is just another club song I can at least see myself dancing to it.

Italy- Fai Rumore

Well, at least my wish of “Italy sends a typical power ballad devoid of anything the mainstream fandom likes” finally came true. It was pretty refreshing to have a year where people weren’t shoving Italy’s entry up my nose left right and centre. In terms of my actual thoughts I can’t deny that the guy has a tremendous voice, but for some reason the song just doesn’t… click with me. I guess I like my male Italian singers a little more gruff and raspy, if you know what I mean. They gotta sound like they smoke at LEAST five packets of cigarettes a day for me to take notice.

Malta- All of my Love

Listen I am 100% rooting for Destiny Chukunyere to win this contest some day but man was this song a disappointment. It feels so… un-special and generic, like it gets the job done and that’s it. It’s not the stand-up-and-belt-it-out soul anthem I’d hoped for, it’s just… there.

Moldova- Prison

All I remember about this song is that it vaguely reminds me of that one Meccano song about the gypsy who makes a deal with the moon or something. And I’ve TRIED to remember more about what it sounds like, trust me.

Latvia- Still Breathing

The one horrible weird song you get every year which overuses strobe effects to the point it comes with an epilepsy warning. Would be bearable if it wasn't for the singer’s insistence that this is actually some feminist masterpiece when it's really just a self-empowerment club song about the singer fingerbanging herself over the fact she writes music.

Lithuania- On Fire

One of the songs everyone thought was going to win at one point, even though it seems like a surefire non-qualifier to me. It’s one of those weird entries, but not the kind of over the top, batshit insane, you’d-have-to-be-drunk-to-enjoy-it weird, the kind of subdued surreal weird. Like this is weed instead of LSD or cocaine weird. Granted my mom, who I consider to be a "typical" Eurofan, actually really liked this song when she saw it in the recaps, so who knows maybe this would have done well with televoters after all.

Netherlands- Grow

I appreciate this song for how artsy and clever it is with its structure, since it starts off acapella and the instrumental builds up with the song until it stops suddenly, symbolising a person’s growth from a child into an adult, and ending suddenly with their death (Geddit? The song’s called “Grow”). But it feels like the kind of song that would be lost on a Eurovision audience. The juries would have taken note, for sure, but the televote… let’s be honest, they’d have been too busy drunk voting for Russia to care about anything else.

North Macedonia- You

Well, it's better than the miserable dirge they sent last year, but given how I'd rather pleasure myself with a steak knife than listen to that song, that really isn't saying much. Going back to “You”, it really just feels like a diet version of Switzerland’s entry from last year, combined with Sweden’s song from 2018. What I’m saying is it’s your average “I’m a man in a club and I want to dance with and probably fuck this hot girl I just met” song, which I a new genre I just made up. You’re welcome.

Norway- Attention 

One of those songs you appreciate because it sounds nice and the singer has a good voice, but instantly forget because it’s really not all that interesting. If I sound like I'm repeating myself, welcome to Eurovision 2020.

Poland- Empires

“Rise Like a Phoenix” but sung by a wannabe Adele and not a mascara-wearing Jesus in a dress. Like a lot of other songs on this list, it’s just average across the board, likeable when it’s on, but instantly forgettable as soon as the next song comes on.

Portugal: Medo de Sentir

Pretty, but also similar to their ill-fated 2018 entry, only with a bit more energy and less pink hair. What I’m saying is this would have been another NQ unless the crowd who enjoy subtle ambience music come in to save it like they did with Slovenia's entry last year.

Romania- Alcohol You

See Bulgaria, because this is practically the same song. It’s just as dreary, just as badly sung (if not worse because holy shit this girl sounds like she’s being suffocated), and I suppose you COULD excuse that by saying she’s drunk or hungover… but I don’t want to listen to someone ungracefully mumble into a microphone for three minutes.

Russia- Uno

A classic big camp party song, the kind of song people who haven’t watched Eurovision since 2003 think wins on the regular. I can see why people would like it (especially in this boring year lmao, I applaud Russia for taking the opportunity to loosen their corset and just send a complete mess instead of their usual clinical vote grabs), but it’s just not something I enjoy. It's the song that plays into the misconception that Eurovision is just a clown show for drunk people, like this is just here to be that one flash-in-the-pan meme song that only entertains people who don’t really care about Eurovision until the day before it airs. Kind of like the old ladies they sent in 2012 (remember them?).

San Marino- Freaky!

San Marino, in true Sammarinese fashion, have yet again sent a decade-ambiguous song which sounds like it was either released in 1978 or 2003. I feel like this would have been one of those songs which could have surprised us if it had a really wacky, creative performance (think like Moldova in 2018), but this is San Marino so you know that would never happen.

Serbia- Hasta la Vista

Insert unoriginal joke about a decade wanting their shitty trend back right here. Okay maybe that’s a bit harsh, especially considering how this song is actually, yanno, unique in comparison to the rest of this year. But it still feels weirdly dated, in a way where I can’t decide whether it sounds like it belongs in 1998 or 2018. I suppose girl power ages a song regardless of when it was released.

Slovenia- Voda

Yet another standard Balkan-European power ballad which you appreciate because it’s well sung, but forget the moment it ends because it’s kinda boring. … Does anyone else have a bit of deja vu?

Spain- Universo

For some reason I feel like this song is shilling itself out to someone but I have no idea who. Aside from the horny people voting solely because the singer is moderately attractive even with that wretched Jedward haircut.

Sweden- Move

Imagine soul but… boring.

Switzerland- Répondez Moi

Imagine Arcade but… in French.

United Kingdom- My last Breath

Not the best the UK could have done, but it’s at least a modern offering unlike the residual dregs of the mid-90s that we sent throughout the 2010s. It’s definitely a bit too generic to have done any better than maybe 15th, but hey at least the cancellation means we won’t have to see it not do as well as the BBC thinks it’s entitled to do, prompting a billion clickbait articles about how Brexit somehow affected our performance.

Ukraine- Solovey

At long last we come to something you probably weren't expecting: a song I actually really like. Which is weird because I usually don't care for or don't like whatever Ukraine vomits into the contest, so I was pleasantly surprised to find a song I liked from them in such a weak year. This song isn’t for everyone, it’s white noise singing which is a very acquired taste, but this is honestly the only 2020 song I find myself coming back to over and over. And it’s in Ukrainian too, so you don’t have to put up with their usual mangled English offerings.

[while-my-tardis-gently-weeps]

Eurovision 2018 - Initial Impressions

So, with the pre-parties getting into full swing, I thought I’d note down my impressions of each of the songs, as well as general comments on each semi-final.

SEMI-FINAL 1

Azerbaijan: Aisel – X My Heart 5/10 Luna moon me unimpressed. Given that this is Azerbaijan that we’re talking about, it’d probably qualify anyway, even with the 1st semi being such a bloodbath, but god I hope not. This is as generic-Eurovision as it gets, complete with the cringe-worthy, nonsensical lyrics. 

Iceland: Ari Olafsson – Our Choice 1/10 To be fair, Ari’s got a good voice, but the only thing that will save this song is to make him sing in Icelandic so that most people don’t understand what on Earth he’s saying. If I thought “luna moon me up” from Azerbaijan was bad, then this song just made that sound positively Shakespearean! Watching it for the first time, this gave me a serious case of the creeps and made me want to run for the hills. It’s almost as if Iceland gave up after last year and just went. “not voting for me despite me sending quality songs, will you? Well then here’s the blandest thing imaginable, see how you like that!” It’s just as well Iceland got the dreaded #2, it’s not like it’s got a chance anyway. Better luck next year.

Albania: Eugent Bushpepa – Mall 8/10 Rock entry, and in Albanian no less! I really like this since the get go. He’s got an excellent voice and seem to work well live too, so I definitely look forward to seeing his performance in Lisbon! 

Belgium: Sennek – A Matter Of Time 10/10 Aaaand Belgium delivers a quality entry that’s slightly out of the left field again! I knew I could trust you, Belgium. So far, this has been my #1 overall. I had high hopes for it ever since Laura was announced and I listened to the two songs she posted on her youtube channel, and A Matter of Time definitely met those expectations and more. She’s a good singer with an unique voice, and the song is dark and atmospheric but sleek and stylish at the same time. With the right staging, she’ll be ready to slay. 

Czech Republic: Mikolas Josef – Lie To Me 7.5/10 This is quite modern for Eurovision and a total earworm. I’m a bit undecided about it to be honest, but I enjoy it for the most part. I suppose it will really hinge on his delivery on stage, but for now it doesn’t strike me as the cold, soulless, off-a-production line kind of pop that usually turns me off. 

Lithuania: Ieva Zasimauskaite – When We’re Old 8/10 I’m feeling a bit devastated by this running order, which probably just destroyed any chance of my girl Ieva qualifying to the final. This is a lovely little song that soothes the soul like a warm cup of cinnamon-spiced tea in the winter. There’s a quite kind of magic to her voice as well that sells the genuine emotion behind the song so well. Her live vocals need a bit improvement, imo, but judging from her recent performance at Riga she’s definitely working on that and getting better. Sandwiched between two high energy fan favorites in an already tough semi though, I’m worried that her song will end up being the bathroom break instead of the slow but charming respite.

Israel: Netta – Toy 9/10 If someone looked up the word “grower” in my personal dictionary, they will see a picture of Netta next to it, along with a link to the MV for Toy. I have to admit, I hated this song on first listen and was completely baffled by how Eurovision fans got behind this, and so quickly too. I was convinced that this was a hot mess that would drop faster than a lead balloon. Well, here I am, placing this in my top five and happily eating my words. This song is catchy as hell and has a way of getting under your skin and into your mind and never letting go, and that’s exactly what happened to me. It’s so clever in how it carries the central message of women empowerment as well, demonstrating with style how a song like that don’t have to involve power ballads and grand-standing divas, and that one can just have fun with it in the mean time. 

Belarus: Alekseev – Forever 7/10 This song, for me, is a tale of two songs. I love the final studio version of the song as well as the MV, but what I’ve seen of his live vocals so far leave me less than impressed and I shudder at the horrendously overdone staging, with the LED suit and everything going on in the background. If Eurovision were based on studio versions alone, this would have been in my top ten, but as it stands right now unless they change the staging and Alekseev shows improvement in his live vocals, I’m of the mind that this song will get left behind, especially since it has Israel and Estonia as neighbors in the running order.

EDIT: I found a much more recent live performance in Yekaterinburg while I’m still working on the rest of the post, and his live vocals show much improvement, which made me a lot more confident about Belarus’ prospects. I’m still a bit worried about it being stuck between two big favorites though.

Estonia: Elina Nechayeva – La Forza 9/10 This is glorious. As a (very) casual fan of opera and a huge fan of stellar vocals, this ticks all of my box in just the right way. If I were to have a complaint about this song though, it’s the fact that the song lack a true climax and a direction it’s building to. Elina commands the stage with that hell of a voice though that you’d hardly notice. This is definitely not the usual Eurovision fare and that, particularly with the genre being what it is, might work against it, but I’m hoping that the jury and the voters at home will be sufficiently wow’d by her vocals that the fact that this is a pop opera piece and not something they might normally listen to cease to matter.

Bulgaria: Equinox – Bones 5.5/10 I don’t know if it’s because I had too high an expectation for Bulgaria after the last two excellent years, but this song just falls completely fat for me, and repeat listens doesn’t seem to improve my regard (or lack thereof) for it one bit. If anything, I’m turned off by it more and more, what with the hype still surrounding Bulgaria and its entry. Let’s hope the staging change my mind. 

Macedonia: Eye Cue – Lost and Found 4/10 I don’t know, people seem to like this but for me this is one of the forgettable ones that have me going “how did this one go again?” before the song even finishes playing. It’s fine enough, but it makes my attention wander. 

Croatia: Franka – Crazy 6.5/10 It’s fine, I suppose, but it’s nothing impressive. I’m sorry, but everything about it screams safe and middle of the road for me. 

Austria: Cesar Sampson – Nobody But You 7/10 This feels like a pleasant-but-safe entry much like last year’s, and all but screams middle of the road, just like last year. But with how Nathan Trent charmed his way into my favorites list during pre-party season, I think it’s way too early to count Austria out yet. With his effortless vocals and the right amount of charm, Cesar might still lift his song into contention for the finals yet. 

Greece: Yianna Terzi – Oneiro Mou 9/10 Epic ethno-ballad for the win! I certainly wouldn’t say no to #Athens2019 even if this isn’t my overall favorite. This is beautiful, atmospheric, and has the chance of being truly spectacular with the right staging. I’ve only seen the studio version, so I can’t comment on her live vocals, but I’m definitely keeping my fingers crossed for this one and hoping that she delivers on what the studio version promises. 

Finland: Saara Aalto – Monsters 9/10 This has the potential to blow up into a huge banger. The song is powerful and just the right kind of anthemic for Eurovision fans to get behind. I really hope Finland ups their game with the staging and styling though because the national finals one rather came out on the wrong side of left field and something like that just won’t cut it for the big leagues. All the best to Saara and Finland!

Armenia: Sevak Khanagyan – Qami 9/10 Armenia took the plunge this year too in sending a song entirely in Armenian, and Sevak,  being such a stellar vocalist, is definitely the guy to take that risk with. He’s one of the strongest male vocalists this year and that definitely shows in how he delivers this song and its artistry and ethnic charm. I’m definitely looking forward to seeing this live and I hope he kills it in the semi and carry the song to a high finish in the final. 

Switzerland: Zibbs – Stones 7.5/10 This is quite a bop with an excellent beat, but I’m not sure this song will cut it in this semi, unfortunately enough.

Ireland: Ryan O’Shaughnessy – Together 4/10 I guess this is better than last year’s...? That isn’t saying much though. The only thing going for it seem to be the gay romance going on in the MV, but even that feels like a cynical ploy to score points with fans. The female supporting vocals also make it feel like the very definition of incongruous, with the mixed message they’re sending out.

Cyprus: Eleni Foureira – Fuego 3/10 This irritates me to no end, and the fact that people I’ve come across seem to like it only exacerbate things for me. Objectively I guess it’s inoffensive in that generic Eurovision way, but there’s just something about this song that just rubs me the wrong way. 

SEMI-FINAL 2

Norway: Alexander Rybak – That’s How You Write A Song 6/10 I have to admit, I had quite the soft spot for him because his victory in 2009 was what introduced me to Eurovision. That said, where do I even begin with this song? This is the furthest thing from his excellent Fairytale, and more closely resembles a kindergarten sing-along. There were quite a few songs I preferred over this one in the Norwegian national finals too, and I’m not sure if I’ve gotten over their losses yet. When it comes to Rybak himself though, you can’t deny that this man has charm in spades and total command of the stage, and he definitely knows how to work his audience. With a better song we might have been able to have #Oslo2019, but alas...

Romania: The Humans – Goodbye 7/10 This is quite a pleasant song, if a bit dated. I really enjoy the instrumental backing as well, with the strings and everything. When it comes to this year’s rock selections though, this isn’t exactly the best (or even the best in this semi).  

Serbia: Sanja Ilic & Balkanika – Nova Deca 5/10 In any other year, the ethnic element and use of traditional instruments would have captured people’s attention and help them forgive a lot of the song’s faults, but with more nations taking risks as a response to Portugal’s win, I don’t think that strategy works nearly as well, if at all, this year. And they’re not even the best Balkan song in this semi, unfortunately. 

San Marino: Jessika feat Jenifer Brening – Who We Are 2/10 Sorry, I prefer the Norwegian “Who We Are” that sadly got left behind in nationals. She’s got a nice voice, I’d give her that, but the song sounds like two different songs thrown together, and not in a good way. The dancing robots are the only things going for it, really. 

Denmark: Rasmussen – Higher Ground 8/10 I always wonder if I’m being too soft on the Nordic entries because of personal biases, but I’d like to think I’m fair even with my soft spot for them. This song, when it comes down to it, isn’t that spectacular and the lyrics can be iffy at times, but nonetheless I find myself enjoying it. Part of that is probably the viking aesthetics. the atmospheric staging, as well as the general musical theatre aura to the whole package. 

Russia: Julia Samoylova – I Won’t Break 3/10 This is another one that makes me go, “I know they’re going to qualify for simply being Russia but please, please find a way to stop that from happening!” Granted, this is worlds above last year’s aborted entry, but then again it doesn’t take much effort to achieve that particular feat. I don’t know if it’s her diction, her vocal techniques, or a mixture of both, but her vocals is grating. 

Moldova: DoReDos – My Lucky Day 6/10 This is one of the songs that I think might become a grower for me. I almost discounted it entirely at first, because the first performances and videos I’ve seen of it were nothing short of disastrous, with the low quality making the whole thing seem cobbled together with tape and some loose strings. With the official music video out and the performance in Riga showcasing them live though, I’m slowly warming up to it, though this still feels rather like Hey-Mamma-lite to me. 

Netherlands: Waylon – Outlaw In ‘Em ???/10 Okay, I don’t know what I think about this song. Or rather, I do, but my thoughts don’t condense into a neat score that I can put on it. Objectively speaking, this is a spectacular song with a genuine spirit to it. Emotionally speaking though, what makes it great also makes it unlistenable for me because I loathe country music as a genre. So, my rational self will be cheering if, or rather, when this advances to the final with a respectable position, but the other parts of me will be lamenting the fact that I have to sit through this again for the final. So, I guess it’s best of luck to Netherlands, see you in the finals, but I wish you came with a mute button...?

Australia: Jessica Mauboy – We Got Love 7/10 It’s a good song, and even without having seen her live I already get the feeling that she probably has great energy on stage. The song itself is fun, but ultimately safe and inoffensive. It will most likely qualify, but I think it needs something more to go further in the finals. Maybe if there’s a killing part like Dami Im’s song in 2016...

EDIT: I promised myself I’d finish this post before watching the London Pre-Party, but that didn’t exactly happen. So, yeah, she absolutely killed it with her stellar vocals, infectious energy, and charm. If she keeps her momentum, then Australia’s more than good to go. 

Georgia: Iriao – For You 7/10 In any other year, I’d appreciate this a lot more, but alas, 2018 isn’t like any other year. I commend them for their choice to keep this in Georgian, and the vocals on this song are quite impressive as well. But, the fact is, with so many other songs with ethnic elements to compare it to, it doesn’t stand out as much as it should because the simple truth is that whatever this song does well, there’s another song that does it even better. 

Poland: Gromee feat Lukas Meijer – Light Me Up 7/10 This is a great song to rock to at a beach party or on a long road trip. But, the thing is, I’m not exactly partial to beach parties. Or road trips. Or anything else summer-y really. So while this is certainly easy to listen to and enjoyable while it’s on, it’s not exactly something that incites passion in me.  

Malta: Christabelle – Taboo 8/10 This song definitely has a kick to it, and I mean it in the best way possible. I love the song both for the song itself and the message of mental health awareness that it conveys, and I definitely appreciates that it manages to carry its message without being preachy. The staging seems to be coming along quite well already judging from the national finals (despite technical difficulties), and I’m definitely keeping my eyes on this one to see how it evolves on the big stage.

Hungary: AWS – Viszlat Nyar 9/10 The story of my journey with this song is a bit like a mixture of my experience with the Netherlands’ and Israel’s entries. I appreciated this song from the very beginning on an objective level, but personally I’m not much of a fan of heavy metal so I was having a hard time really enjoying it despite my eagerness for it to advance to the finals and do very well. Unlike Waylon and his country piece though, heavy metal is a lot less offensive to my personal tastes, so I was able to appreciate it more and more on a personal level as well with repeated listens, to the point that I now consider it one of my favorites of the year, both objectively and subjectively-speaking. I’m a bit worried that the juries will penalize it for its genre, but hopefully it will win over enough televotes, especially those from the younger generations, that it will go through anyway. 

Latvia: Laura Rizzotto – Funny Girl 7.5/10 I like this song for its quirky yet catchy nature, but what really captivated me about it was the aesthetics of its MV. I do think they will benefit from a staging that is in line with the MV, with a theatrical, film noir feel to it. 

Sweden: Benjamin Ingrosso – Dance You Off 5/10 I could have probably been able to tell this was the Swedish entry going in blind. This is all the well-produced slickness that we’ve come to expect from Sweden, but without the energy, soul, and the extra je nais sais quois that put Heroes or Euphoria in a different league. But hey, at least this isn’t nearly as robotic and worthy of trigger warnings as last year’s, which can only be an improvement. And, as a side note: enough with the brown-haired, reasonably attractive young white men, Sweden! I know you can do something different. ...Right?

Montenegro: Vanja Radovanovic – Inje 8.5/10 It’s going to be tough going right after Sweden. But, this song is so different that hopefully that won’t matter too much. This is one of the (many) ethnic entries this year that actually stood out to me. There’s something hauntingly Balkan about this song, and Vanja Radovanovic delivers it expertly. I also like how the song builds itself up to the rising chorus. Anyway, I’m not entirely confident about its chances, but I sure hope to see this one in the finals. 

Slovenia: Lea Sirk – Hvala, Ne! 6.5/10 I have to admit, this one is a bit of a guilty pleasure. The song isn’t anything too special and can definitely be said to be repetitive, but still, I find myself digging the beat despite myself. 

Ukraine: Melovin – Under the Ladder 8/10 I didn’t rate this song at all when I first heard it, but having seen his performance at the national finals, I’m beginning to warm up to it more and more. I’m still kind of trying to figure the song out, but whatever it is there’s something about it that kinds of grab you. 

ALREADY QUALIFIED

Portugal: Claudia Pascoal – O Jardim 8/10 This is quite magical and atmospheric, capable of evoking one’s imagination with the song alone. With the right staging, this will become something truly captivating. 

France: Madame Monsieur – Mercy 9.5/10 France does it again and makes it into my top three for the second year in a roll. The song is unassuming at first, but then builds into something beautiful, tender, and clever. The use of double entendre to convey the central message lends the song a sense of universality despite it being sung entirely in French, which will definitely make a difference in Lisbon because they don’t need the fancy LED or special staging elements to help non-Francophones in the audience to understand what the song is trying to say. 

Germany: Michael Schulte – You Let Me Walk Alone 8/10 Huh, Germany actually managed to surprise me. It’s a nice and comfortable ballad, and I mean it in the best possible sense. What makes all the difference this year with Michael Schulte’s “You Let Me Walk Alone” is how heartfelt and genuine this song is, and that, I hope, is what will make a difference and propel it to the left side of the scoreboard. Not to throw any shades, but I very much prefer this to any paint-by-numbers “pseudo-ethnic” pieces that might arise solely as a response to Salvador Sobral’s win. 

Italy: Ermal Meta & Fabrizio Moro – Non Mi Avete Fatto Niente 10/10 This is easily my top three, but I’m a bit hesitant to put my support behind without seeing the staging, because we all know how last year’s Italian-language song with a deep message turned out. The fact that they said they’re going to display the lyrics during the performance give me hope, because one of my favorite things about the music video was the way they showed the lyrics in a variety of different languages. But either way, this is poetic and powerful, and something of pure quality like all of Italy’s entries lately. 

Spain: Amaia & Alfred – Tu Cancion 7/10 This comes as a surprise to no one, but this year’s Spanish entry is worlds better than last year’s. At first glance, it’s just the run of the mill saccharine love song, but once you pay attention to it there something genuine about it that grabs your attention despite that. This is not really something I usually rate, but I’d be lying if I say I didn’t enjoy it a lot. 

United Kingdom: SuRie – Storm 5/10 Definitely not my favorite in You Decide by a long stretch, but I can’t exactly argue the point that she gave the best performance of the night. She’s a great singer and performer, but the song itself is rather...lacking. So, let’s hope the BBC still knows what it’s doing in terms of staging because this song definitely needs it if the UK has an hope of not finishing bottom five. Then again, SuRie might surprise us yet. She already made a more than respectable performance out of this song once already, after all. 

Who I want to qualify:

SEMI-FINAL 1: Belgium, Israel, Albania, Czech Republic, Greece, Armenia, Finland, Estonia, Balarus, Lithuania

SEMI-FINAL 2: Denmark, Moldova, Australia, Malta, Latvia, Ukraine, Netherlands, Hungary, Georgia, Montenegro

Who I think will qualify:

SEMI-FINAL 1: Belgium, Israel, Albania, Czech Republic, Greece, Armenia, Finland, Estonia, Bulgaria, Azerbaijan

SEMI-FINAL 2: Norway, Sweden, Australia, Russia, Netherlands, Hungary, Moldova, Ukraine, Malta, Poland

[nearmidnightannex]

Eurovision 2018! commentary as it happened

Reposting from something done elsewhere. It is very very long, what with the competition lasting, you know, FOUR HOURS, so there is a keep-reading tag below.

No idea who the performers were, but I really liked that second number leading into the beginning and the parade of nations.

Interesting that Ross and Shangela felt the need to explicitly state that they will not be talking over the performers. I'm guessing that they had comments about that in previous years. (Also, totally forgot that Celine Dion got her start with Eurovision. And also somewhat confused, what with her being, you know, Canadian. Then, there are random Americans here this year, and I think Norway’s performer last year was actually from Australia, so.)

I do not remember the Ukranian boy band hosts from last year doing the instructions in English and French. I'm guessing in part because as they stated they were very new to English, so handling both would have been a bit much.

And here we go!

Melovin, Ukraine, "Under the ladder". Had a few problems wandering off key at the start, but then the number went insane and he was fine. Seriously, that ending was kind of nuts for a song that really wasn't all that intense. Didn't like it that much, meself, but we shall see.

Amaia y Alfred, Spain, "Tu Cancion". Surrounded by a sea of phone screens on one side, and a stage of things that aren't phone screens but might as well be on the other. It's actually the sort of very sweet ballad that wouldn't tolerate Eurovision-standard overproduction, so the lack of LED screen probably doesn't hurt them at all. No sense of whether or not it will do well, but the audience (and Ross and Shangela) seem to love them. (Cat Valente on Twitter: "Oof, Spain's only special stage effect was heterosexuality.")

Lea Sirk, Slovenia, "Hvala, ne!". A song and performance with attiTUDE, at the least. And about ninety million more flashing laser lights and spotlights than any song needs; I'm not epileptic, but I literally could not watch the chorus because it hurt. I can't imagine how difficult it was to be in the room.

Ieva Zasimauskaitė, Lithuania, "When we're old". A very very small and sweet ballad. If we didn't have the example of last year's winner, I wouldn't think a song this small would have any chance of making it through. Given that there's no projection screen on stage with her, I'm guessing that the images of couples we see next to her can't be seen in the auditorium, so they're aimed squarely at the juries and viewers, all of whom are watching on television elsewhere. And that staged ending, however hokey, was really sweet.

Cesar Sampson, Austria, "Nobody but you". I like the sound of the song, although I think it may have a shade too much repetition. His pants are ... weird. (People, if I, the fashion-impaired, am wondering why his spandex pants have a crotch at his knees, something is decided ODD.)

Elina Nechayeva, Estonia, "La Forza". Oh, Opera. Or at least operatic. And she gets around the LED screen restriction by wearing her own. Man, that skirt is MAGNIFICENT. It also provides all the motion, which is good, because she can't possibly be able to move without screwing up the screen. (Um ... were those sperm cells zipping around on her dress for a hot minute there?) I do wonder how much the auditorium can see, though; the main seating/standing level is all below stage level, and the balconies are all very far away.

Alexander Rybak, Norway, "That's how you write a song". A previous winner performing again. And again, effects that the audience can't see because they're composited into the camera. And it was fun, I guess, and I suppose that's how you write a song, but ... eh. Whatever.

There is a LOT more direct outreach to the auditorium audience this year than there has been in the past. The Slovenian grrrl group asking them to sing along, the Austrian guy saying  "How are you, Lisbon" in a song that really didn't tolerate it, Norway throwing his jacket into the audience ... I wonder how much this is a reflection of them compensating for the LED effects they don't have.

Claudia Pascoal, Portugal, defending champeeen, "O Jardim". Apparently, Portugal has decided that "small and quirky" is their niche, and they're going to OWN that. That said, the song built a little, in a way that last year's song never did, if only a very little.

And now a bit of business, both literal and figurative, in which the entire world sprints for the bathroom. Plumbing system managers around the world are thinking, "What the ... must be a break in Eurovision."

SuRie, Great Britain, "Storm". A very energetic performance, in which some rando grabbed the mic from her to get political. It was handled expeditiously, to put it mildly. She was able to get the audience back with her pretty quickly. Intrusions aside, the song was ... OK, I guess.

Sanja Ilić & Balkanika, Serbia, "Nova Deca". Cant understand a word, of course, but I like the sound and staging. Also the studmuffinly lead singer who set sail on a shorter version of the SS Kaftanic.

Michael Schulte, Germany, "You let me walk alone". It's a very nice, low-ish key song. Again, very simple staging accompanying effects ... although, judging from the reflections on the stage floor, unless the floor itself was part of the effects, the audience actually could see those. I wonder if management changed its mind about the LED screen ... or if he somehow brought his own with him. (EDIT: judging from later acts, the latter.)

Eugent Bushpepa, Albania, "Mall". Very dynamic. I mostly liked the sound of it, although I could have done with less of the falsetto blasts. Back of his jacket was ... odd. And ... that's it. That's all I got.

Madame Monsieur, France, "Mercy". So ... being able to kinda sorta just a little understand parts of the song are throwing me. Not least because it took me a couple rounds to catch up with the concept of "My name is Mercy", and not "My name is Thank you." Not helped by the fact that they were actually playing on that confusion deliberately. That aside, the song was ... very very French.

Mikolas Josef, Czech Republic, "Lie to me".  It's a fun song -- why is he wearing a backpack? -- but good lord, there's a lot of just standing more or less in place this Eurovision. (Well, OK, until the end of the song, for him. Bopping about with dancers and the occasional backflip off stairs is not “just standing in place”, no.) Also, it would have been helpful to have established the context that the other dancers were standing in light boxes bseside him; it looked on screen like they were somewhere else entirely at first. It's one hell of a dynamic performance, I'll give it that.

Rasmussen, Denmark, "Higher ground". Selected to perform the song because he looks like a viking. Which cannot be denied, really. Also, putting him in all black makes him look simultaneously undead and slightly terrifying. (Cat Valente on Twitter: "The lead singer for #Denmark looks like undead bearded Jared Leto when he hasn't had lunch yet.") The choice to stage with a bunch of long-haired burly trenchcoat-clad guys sorta kinda marching around is ... interesting. The song is sort of monotone; the performance is making a LOT more of it than it is, which is saying something. (And again, the appeal to the audience: "Come on, walk with us!" Which explains the marching.) Not quite sure what the snow effects have to do with anything. (The stagehands and crew for Eurovision must be both very good and feel very put-upon by the end.)

Jessica Malboy, Eurofied Australia, "We got love". It's dynamic, and it's ... fine. Although this is as close to typically Eurvision staging as we've had in a while. She did go badly off on her big glory note near the end, but she had a fair amount of song left to recover with.

And another break for business, and for business. The bit with the Serbian ... whatever he was, was very cute. The bit with Cesar Sampson was also very cute; hope he didn't hurt anything. And the bit with the Portuguese pod was also very cute. Cuteness abounded.

A very brief "in memoriam" bit to the first Eurovision winner, who passed away earlier this year.

Saara Aalto, Finland, "Monsters". Weirdly, I mostly like this song a lot. I think parts of it needed ... something, but I have no idea what. It just felt a bit off in places. (Not helped by the fact that nerves pulled her off key a bit here and there.) But that aside, it was energetic and interestingly staged. No sense of how well it might do.

Equinox, Bulgaria, "Bones". A motley of a group, with random Americans, according to Ross. Staged -- and presented -- as a really stark music video, sort of. Everyone in black. (My, this is a grim Eurovision this year.) That said, the blond woman singer does look as though she apported in from some completely different futuristic video. The song was ... fine, I guess. Can't quite see it going anywhere, though.

DoReDoS, Moldova, "My Lucky Day". Clever staging -- VERY clever staging, fifties doorway farce translated to music. Not that fifties doorway farce would have involved quite so much groping. It was really a lot of fun. It's so relentlessly out of anything even vaguely popular that I have no sense of how well it will do, but if there's any justice, that should be at least a top five finish.

"It's a very good chicken, sir."

Benjamin Ingrosso, Sweden, "Dance you off". And apparently some performers did indeed find their own projection stage solutions. Song is ... fine. (Saying that a lot this year, but that's all I got. It's not awful, it's not outstanding, it's FINE. If he were on the US version of The Voice, he would probably win.)

AWS, Hungary, "Viszlát Nyár". Um ... well. It's ... dynamic. Yes. It is ... that. Also apparently a fire hazard. And the lead screamer was barefoot. And the electric guitarist/bassist (couldn't tell which) decided to use Eurovision's audience as a mosh pit. (I bet the lead screamer can't talk after concerts, if he tries do to whole sets like that.)

Netta, Israel, "Toy". I really do love this song. Even the first few seconds have graduated from "intensely annoying" to "kind of growing on me". (They also sound MUCH better without autotune.) Not quite sure that the HEY light board thing really translated. Other than that, the staging is kind of lunatic, in initially small-scale Eurovision tradition. Oh, hey, sparkle shooters! And then the lighting went utterly insane! And then fire! And smoke! Ah, Eurovision!

Waylon, Netherlands, "Outlaw in 'em". A country song. Huh. I wouldn't expect that to do well at Eurovision -- an American-style country song being, you know, not even vaguely Euro-anything -- but as CW songs go, that was fun. Although you can tell that this was European, because he would have been Strongly Discouraged From That Staging here. The black guys having angry violent fits around the white singer was ... yeah. THAT. (Probably deliberately, given that the lead singer had lived in the US for a while, but still.)

Ryan O'Shaughnessy, Ireland, "Together". Low-key, lovely mid-tempo ballad. And I think he’s also been to Eurovision before, so he was able to keep his falsetto strong and on-key until near the very end. A nice all-male romance portrayed by the dancers on the stage and bridge. (Weirdly, given that the song itself is very clearly about the breakup and not the romance. Reportedly, the semifinal performance was censored in China, and the Eurovision broadcasting team promptly yanked China’s license to broadcast the grand final and blocked them.)

Eleni Foureira, Cyprus, "Fuego". It's fun, but still not seeing how this song is one of the favorites. To repeat myself: It was FINE. Lots of fire effects at the end, which, given the titlte, were rather required.

Ermal Meta e Fabrizio Moro, Italy, "Non Mi Avete Fatto Niente". Lyrics in many languages pretty clearly composited directly to camera -- they must have been in a complete panic when they discovered that they wouldn't have a big LED stage to work with. The song had sort of a nice build that they played with. Beyond that ... it was (say it with me!) FINE.

Honestly, I'm kind of clueless about what to expect. The staging was very low key. Very few of the numbers stood out. At a guess, my picks, vaguely in order, would be:

Israel Finland Moldova Austria Serbia Estonia Ukraine Ireland Cyprus Czech Republic Lithuania Slovenia Spain Portugal Netherlands Norway Sweden Italy Eurofied Australia (Yes, that's right, outside the top ten for the first time) Albania Denmark Bulgaria Hungary France United Kingdom (may do better with sympathy vote for rando invading the stage) Germany

I think the top three that I listed will actually be the top three, but beyond that ... I have no clue. And, to be scruplously accurate, I don't expect Israel to win, although I think they should. I think the geopolitical moment that we're in, which kept Russia out of the final for the first time ever, will also keep Israel from winning.

And now, the interval acts! The first couple singers are really nice. Can't understand a word, but the songs are still lovely.

The skit about the journey to Portugal's win was ... interesting.

And Salvador Sobral himself returns to the stage (sans last year's manbunnage) to sing another "I won't do Eurovision style" song at Eurovision. Which, to be fair, is a very nice sounding lament ... which his movements on stage do not at all match -- I wonder if he usually performs with a guitar or something and just has no idea what to do with himself. Or maybe I'm missing a lot because I don't speak Portuguese. Either way, he just looks odd up there.  ... oh. And now the song acquires tempo as he plays the piano like a drum. (In all seriousness, this is the most Eurovision-style performance I've seen from him; adding in a certain dynamism along with a certain amount of "What is he DOING?") And then he performed his Eurovision-winning song with a person who I guess is his idol. And the audience sort of sang along. (I wish I liked that song more, and I did like it better than last year’s Eurovision performance. Because that was a Moment.)

Interesting that Ross and Shangela, when they picked their top five, had almost NOTHING in common. They both had Israel and Germany in their top five, but nothing else.

And now: the jury vote! And judging from the early vote, the juries are going to be all over the place; Israel, for example, has been in second on one ballot, third on another, out of the top ten on the third and fourth jury ballots, first on the fifth; Cyrprus has a first and a few random other points; France has one first place (...the hell?), and not a single top ten vote anywhere else, and so on. But apparently the pre-competition love for Cyprus was justified; they're doing very well. But countries are bouncing all over the rankings in ways that they haven't the past two years. (Barring a massive televote result, it does seem clear that Eurofied Australia will indeed finish outside the top ten this year.) Unfortunately, Moldova is getting hammered in the jury vote, so they won't finish in the top five. SO UNFAIR!

Halfway through the jury vote, a pause for whatever reason, in which they cover the Eurovision young musicians orchestra very briefly. Israel very narrowly leads Austria and Cyprus. A pattern is emerging, slowly, that if Austria, Germany, Cyprus, Israel or Sweden isn't shown in a particular national jury's top ten, they will usually be the first place vote. Usually. But not always. (Hungary gave their 12 points to Denmark. And again: the hell?)

The green room for Eurovision is MASSIVE. For some reason, I thought all the pods were somewhere front of house. Also, Cesar should forego mentioning his Twitter password methods on international television.

Russia's jury got booed in the auditorium during the jury vote. (I do not have the slightest idea what Shangela was talking about when she said there was a hush in the auditorium.) This may go some to explaining their first-ever shut out from the Grand Final.

Unlike the past two years, at the end of the jury vote, it was utterly unclear which country would win. Last year, Portugal would have needed an unprecedented collapse in the televote to lose (it won the televote, so it didn’t matter); this year, it could easily go to either Austria or Sweden having a roughly equal shot, and Israel, Germany, and even Cyprus (which dropped back to fifth) having a not-unreasonable chance.

And now, the public televote results! Sweden, shockingly, finishes well down the public vote, so now their chances depend on Austria and Israel getting hammered. (Which does not happen.) And the public televote is ... weird. Seriously, how did Hungary do so well? And Austria does not win the televote, or even do particularly well! Serbia does well in the televote! But does not do well enough to matter! Ditto Norway! Moldova did very well in the televote, indicating that some people out there had decent taste!

Weirdly enough, as soon as they announced the fifth highest score, it became apparent that either Israel or Cyprus was going to win, because Austria getting hammered in the televote meant that they couldn't maintain first place. Italy, somehow, miraculously, managed a top three televote result, but finishing third meant that they couldn't win, because they got hammered in the jury vote.

Second place in the televote goes to ... Cyprus!

ISRAEL WINS! ISRAEL WINS! WOO-HOO! 

I only got one of top three (and two of the top six) right (and Germany kind of epically wrong), and it was (sort of) the winner! Woot! And other nonsense noises! (Cat Valente on Twitter: "YES YES YES WEIRD #EUROVISION RETURNS TRIUMPHANT TAKE THAT BLACK SUITS AND EARNEST BALLADS ALIEN CHICKEN MUSIC FOREVER!")

Next year's Eurovision will be in either Tel Aviv or Jerusalem, belike. That should be ... interesting. (I'm guessing probably Tel Aviv ... although one of the announcers did just say Jerusalem. Well. That may be ... fraught.)

While I am glad that Netta won -- I really did think it was the best song and performance -- part of me was secretly wanting Austria to win so that next year we could have Conchita and Cesar co-hosting. But I am really happy about this result.

One of the things I both love and hate about this type of competition. "Hey, Netta, you have just won the biggest competition of your life! Now, get it all together and perform for us! RIGHT NOW! No, you can't take the trophy with you ... Oh, all right, take the trophy. LOOSE THE CONFETTI!"