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anyu-blue · 4 years ago

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Hey I'm rambling about stuff in my own head again. Trigger warnings apply- specifically those dealing with therapy, dysphoria, self harm, relationships, and stuff like that. :T

I don't really understand it... For quite a while there I was fine. Content even to just let things slide. I think it was because I felt secure where I was (with Lon) and blocked out a lot that doing therapy has brought screaming to the front of my mind... But I could be wrong and I feel confused and conflicted again.

At one point (before Lon) I had settled down when my previous therapist basically gave me permission to call myself androgynous. She told me it was okay- if that's what I felt, then I could use it.... I felt very relieved and much less ruffled. There was still a nag in the back of my head, but it was quiet enough I buried it... For the most part...

Getting with Lon brought quite a few forward and I insisted he understand I am/was not a girl. He also seemed content and sweet and more than accepting... Until he wasn't.. looking back.. Lon said a LOT of weird or off things he either never came through with or downright switched on.. especially near the end. EVERYONE in his family and friend group assumed and pushed the 'girl' thing... And that nag got a little louder..I pushed back (gently) reminding Lon with little things here and there that I wasn't... But still 'she' and overwhelming compliments on my feminity buried me under them. In the end... I know it was driving me crazy (literally) and probably Contributed more to the mess than I understood at the time.

But it also wasn't a push even.. just the assumption.. I believe that because right now my hackles are raised so high every time someone says 'she' to or about me I BRISTLE. I want to yell or (depending on who it is) quietly tell whomever is doing it to stop.. tell them they're wrong... Most aren't doing it maliciously, I know.. it's just what they see. I feel pressured or pushed. It's really weird and extremely uncomfortable. It's confusing too because.. I don't know... I can't see how they don't see me as different than 'girl'... Or heaven forbid 'WOMAN.'

*shudders*

My therapist and I are exploring the feelings around when these things are said to me... And she's proposed doing something about my anger and frustration like squeezing Something or something or just outright accepting it... Basically ANYTHING other than telling people my business... But the problem is, I've told her... I want to BREAK things.. I mean I don't... But I feel the urge to. To hit. To yell. To scream. To cry. To crush. To run. But I don't. In some ways I can't.... Squeezing Something when I'm angry hurts me. My grip is incredibly weak (always has been no matter what I've tried) and everything pops painfully. Or it pinches my skin and hurts... So I've developed a reflex to do the opposite of squeeze or hit things (which certainly hasn't helped the weakness issue lol)... And even if I do try to do those things.... It's never enough. I can't go and go and go like I want to. It just makes me madder. More frustrated. It's never satisfying or as releasing as People tell me it should feel. I just want more. And more and more and more. And in the end I'm usually left a sobbing mess that's completely spent, but still so mad and frustrated... Feeling those feelings even more. Sure I'm tired enough to pass out.. but I wake up.. and everything is still there.. usually coupled with depression because it's STILL THERE... And I couldn't get it out. I don't feel better or lighter or more free.. I feel heavier.. sadder... Worse. I used all that energy and nothing came of it.

And I don't understand!! I really don't. Why I'm never satisfied... Why I've always always been so angry... I was told I was an extremely cruel child.. I remember a little too.. I always wanted to act, but was pushed down.. and even when I did, it never felt good or like it was enough.. I swear I could tear an entire house down by myself with nothing but my own two hands and I STILL would want to do more.

...

And I'm feeling all of these things with gender...

Tevs said to me she thinks I 'want to be a boy because our mother always wanted a boy and [I] always wanted her approval.' ... I can't deny that MAYBE it had an influence on me. MAYBE...

But... I don't WANT that witch's approval anymore. I don't care about her distain either. I don't want her ANYWHERE NEAR my life, it's MINE not hers.. and I'm really pissed off no one can seem to take the damn hint I am 110% DONE with her and anything to do with her. She HAS a son to raise now. And a loving husband who had her adopt him. And good friends and whatever else she has in her life. I am OUT of it. And I want to be out of it forever.

.. it feels demeaning when Tevs says that it's all from that to me.. she's done it more than once, and of course I'm upset by it every time.

... I just want to be me... And every time someone looks at me and tells me I am beautiful.. or pretty.. or a wonderful woman... I just want to cry... To go hide.. I feel so ashamed.

...

Here's the thing.. I AM attractive. I AM beautiful, hot, resilient, kind... Just about everything you'd associate a woman with... I was walking to another area in my workplace just tonight and caught a glimpse of myself as I did so in our big windows... The way I walk. My silhouette. Everything about me... Is envious.

I'm not saying these things because I'm vain.. I'm saying them because if I compare my body and gait and everything to the People alongside me- even the guests I see coming in- I can see it as clearly as everyone else who tells me I'm this pretty thing does... I'm not sickeningly skinny and I'm not fat. I'm not super tall nor short. I'm right in the middle with an ass and legs People tell me they'd kill to have... If I were to wear proper bras, I have a chest they'd love too- not too heavy and not unnoticeably small... But I wear ones that squish my chest so it looks like I have less (and that might be why I have such glaring problems with my ribcage sliding out of place all the time. I'm crushing everything XP).. take a guess as to why I started doing that...

I can't hide my hips... Nor my legs... I've got cute feet too. And hands... So dainty and fine- just enough bone and plump in the right places... It's no wonder I am the envy of my poor (adopted) cousin desperate to be a model and a star.. poor girl. She's beautiful in her own right, but her genes have made it so hard for her to fully dive into her confidence... My dad told me we are rivals and have always been... And my heart breaks for her because I'm not even trying... I want her to succeed!! To be the one in the spotlight!! I want to stay in the background so she can shine... But I always get pulled forward and somehow she's in my shadow (despite being taller than me).. and she can't stand to be near me.. even when I am trying my hardest to let her lead or to say things kindly or in her favor.. I can't seem to win... So I don't really have a relationship with her at all.. Though I really wanted to.

When I don't hide.. when I do 'dress up'... There's so many compliments. If I run into ANYONE from school when I do... *Gags* the compliments, disbelief, and shock... I remember EVERY prom... People not knowing who I was... Or being shocked if they did recognize me straight out. All 4 years... And it made the ostracization worse. My class was AFRAID of me. I was this shy/frumpy (also angry) little thing.. but I still remember being stared at changing after gym whenever there wasn't a stall for me to hide in.. I personally at the time thought it was because I was so ugly/fat they couldn't help themselves... Going through everything in therapy.. I realize it was because I was so skinny under all my baggy clothes.. and really pretty under the acne/hood/ugly glasses. I wasn't bullied just because I was smart/loved to learn... I was a threat and didn't even know it. The envy of my peers. And it's so sad.

I did wish to be like them.. so confident. So able to fake it. To do my makeup and wear cute things and to feel right somehow... But I never did. I tried.. but couldn't stand the clothes.. or the comments about my ass... Or all the things they focused on whenever I came close to succeeding. I couldn't seem to get it right. I just wanted to hide whenever I stood out... It never felt right.

It got to the point I was AFRAID to wear dresses and skirts. Terrified. Everything felt wrong with the world when I did. I felt like I was faking Something. Like I was purposefully being awful... Lying..

I wear some now because I was cheered up by the idea of genderqueer people and some men finding comfort in wearing them and in some ways them becoming more acceptable by all genders... Plus they're reeeally comfy sometimes. And it's nice to just be able to throw on a dress with built in pads during the summer heat wave than to worry about all those damn layers XP ... And I recognize that no one is going to question me or think I'm lying when I wear any... They don't see what I have in my head.

I do recognize that some of this stuff has trauma tied to it... And I'm confused because I don't know where the trauma ends and I (my own genuine thoughts) begin... I was not treated kindly at home- even outright being called ugly in a derogatory manner.. granted I now know those comments mostly came from a pedophile disinterested in me and the pedophile's own manipulation of my mother and her family's opinions (gaslighting and twisting to where I really was the horrible child in all ways) AND I know that I am not neurotypical which caused some other unfortunate treatments in and around my home.

I don't know where to go with it... Or why I'm so viscously against being called a girl or a woman. Why it's setting me off so bad right now. I just know that it is... And for some reason every time I'm alone or not really thinking of it... I don't think of myself as one. Not at all. And when I'm reminded.. I'm often startled by it and confused and need to process the information for a second... Despite 'being' one for all of my life... I've continually had the problem I don't expect what I see in the mirror either.. especially since puberty.

If I could show you what I think/feel most of the time... I think this would be the closest I could get- just make the chest straighter/flatter... It bugged me to no end to add that detail in and still does to this day, but I was going off the model (me lol). I don't feel like Anything... But I want to be something.. and that Something is... Not this. Not this...

But where do I go? What do I do?

I'm terrified of surgeries... I don't want massive scars (not that I mind scars- in fact I LOVE them. They're so cool!! But I don't want people to KNOW you know? Not that. Not Something that is such a private matter... I don't want to believe or go after something for it to be wrong too... And I don't feel I can afford any of it anyway 😞 even if I did want to try or actually found the right one... I would be so depressed to never be able to reach my goal.. and I feel I've held myself back due to that fear too...

I know another reason I haven't tried anything or spoken up or anything is because I have this strange desire to pass on my genetic legacy. It is such a powerful urge I am TERRIFIED of losing the ability... People tell me about adoption all the time as a great option, and it IS a great option for the children... Because I would do ANYTHING for my own... But it's this terrible terrible feeling I wouldn't feel I could claim them as my own and it would leave something still empty inside of me and I wouldn't be as loving because of it and that kills me... It sounds terrible too!!

I would do almost anything to have my own child... When it comes to pain tolerance or body changes I know I would have the hardest time than most if I were to get knocked up.. but I have that thought that it would be worth it because they are MINE.

I've thought about egg donation.. because I feel it would make me feel better to know I succeeded in passing on the line to someone better off and worthy of having children... But I feel I have too many genetic issues or would be an undesirable candidate or I'd feel terrible if the child died and then I didn't succeed...

Lol I think of things oddly... And that makes me think I don't deserve to have children or donate too... Never mind the actual process XP boy... Complicated~

So I've never tried... I am also quite poor and know I would struggle to raise a child. Even just one. And if I were to have twins (as I'm the generation that is supposed to)... I have even more worries... And I don't want a child or children to grow up with the struggles I had or worse than I had like they likely would if I just went for it.

...

I knew I felt more sure when I was with Lon because he apparently wanted/wants kids too... And it was in the plan (Maybe. Maybe not. It's possible he was the one messing with my medication alarms and trying, but also possible he just wanted sex... Because he told me before he left that he thought he was infertile for a long time (and there's some pretty strong evidence to suggest he's got weak swimmers lol but I'm not going to divulge what that stuff is) so it may have been a lie all along... But I didn't know and felt assured and safe with that path at the time)...

*sigh*

Idk what to do... I know I'm messed up about it all.. and I know my knee jerks and feelings... But I don't exactly trust myself or my memory or my reasons... I am only human... And I feel so lost.

I know what I envy... Very much.. and what I would choose if I could... But... Life just doesn't work that way... And science is so stunted it likely won't in my lifetime.

*snort*

I feel the worst thing that my dad ever said to me was when I told him and his wife that I wasn't a girl... I don't remember if I told them I was neither or would prefer to be a guy... But I do remember my dad's response... He told me 'go ahead and you do you, but I want you to know that no matter what, you're always going to be my little girl. I just can't think of you any other way, because you are. You're my little girl.'

And I just... It struck me so badly (obviously, I still think about it)... And made my heart so heavy. I... Understand... To the extent I can... And I don't want to... Lose him because I can't accept that... But.. I feel like it's only pushed me to lose myself... To.. just stay. Take the 'easy' route. To 'accept' it (except we can see how well THAT'S going).

*sigh*

I don't know...

The only thing I do know right now is I have this fantasy about... Going away for a while. More or less disappearing for 5 to 10 years... And coming back... How I want to be/see myself... And seeing what everyone would think...

Tevs thinks I only want it because of trauma. Dad thinks I'm always going to be his daughter. Everyone else is so sure I am a woman...

And maybe they're right... (I mean TECHNICALLY lol I can't exactly argue with that 😂)... And I would be trying to let my 'good looks' and all that 'go to waste'...

...

If I could trade someone... 100%... I would. I'm a pretty/beautiful/attractive looking body... (My face is debatable lol but whatever)... I wonder how come am I not happy about it...

#personal #random #ignore me #life in general #trigger warnings apply

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punkscowardschampions · 4 years ago

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Ali & Tommy

Ali: I am SO glad this holiday centres around drinking beyond reason

Tommy: Me too, like, But why are you?

Ali: I wouldn’t even wanna get into it if it weren’t for the fact I couldn’t with her

Ali: Obvious clue is obvious

Tommy: Oh darling, Kitty, what’s she done now?

Ali: It’s not even what she’s done

Ali: It’s her total lack of desire to try

Ali: I know I shouldn’t take it personally and it’s symptomatic of the bigger picture

Ali: But that’s the problem, it’s so hard to watch, to see it so clearly when she has no front to put up

Tommy: Yeah, it always puts a lovely, thick layer of extra dread onto my homecoming

Tommy: the regularly scheduled updates are bad enough & it’s not like I can do more for being back under the same roof

Ali: Oh God, please don’t start, it’s like no one wants to be here, pure depressing, like

Ali: That’s how I ended up feeling, it wasn’t like she wanted to come but you know, anxiety, strangers etc

Ali: Because my suggestions to alleviate those problems were shot STRAIGHT down

Ali: So she just doesn’t want to

Ali: but not just that, I should feel like shit for going and leaving her alone...which put like that, should I? I don’t even know now

Tommy: Honey, fuck that! I’ve had to veto Fi going full Elphaba on all our faces so that diva maybe this close to not, but there’s no stopping me, Will, Gwen or Steph 🥳🥳🥳

Tommy: she’s getting worse, I dunno what any of us are meant to do

Tommy: other than being certain that I’m not gonna let you have an utter shit time

Tommy: That’s what she wants, that way you’ll stay with her forever 💀🥀🕷🕸

Ali: Nice to hear some genuine enthusiasm, which is fecking ridiculous considering this is apparently every fucker’s fave holiday as standard, I swear everyone but Da is in a right mood atm

Ali: Thank God that everyone’s gotta let tourists be tourists for the 💸🤑 or your mates would need some serious babysitting 😏

Ali: Little green men is fully my groupies’ aesthetic so you’re welcome to out yourself any time, like

Ali: I dunno, I mean, she’ll be alright won’t she? It’s a fairly long sesh, I know…

Ali: Hence my life’d be a lot easier if she’d come for a bit but there we go

Tommy: My honoured guests have got it in spades & buckets tbh 🧶🧚‍♀️🍀🎩🌈 dress up is already well underway just can’t let ‘em also start 🚗💣🍺🥃 or they won’t last to see it in

Tommy: cba to stick in it a 🍼 you know

Tommy: how many groupies you got now? Only 👏 while it’s still underground, avant-garde & super niche, naturally

Tommy: What’s she got planned? Other than putting a 💔 hex on you and Carls

Ali: Sensible

Ali: And not in a scrooge debbie downer kinda way

Ali: Found out the tents for yous to sleep in but I’m taking ‘em out first

Ali: 🌄 are calling, obvs

Ali: Naturally 🙄 just don’t click instead that shit is TOO pretentious even for your lot

Ali: She said she was WELL busy, but you know, the usual I imagine 📚💭

Ali: Drew won’t pay her no attention way too busy with the tourists etc 💸🤑

Tommy: 👍 cheers 😸👼 you are

Tommy: 🍀 are calling, is what you mean

Tommy: 🙄 be a waste of a 🙏 I know it’s 1 of her other highly rated activities, like, but still, I don’t need to imagine the two of ‘em getting together rn

Ali: They make NO sense

Ali: Unless his thing is dating a girl like his sister, in place of the standard wanting a mum 2.0, which understandably is not his vibe

Ali: Suspect don’t cover it but we’ll see

Tommy: It’d make more sense if I dumped Will for Fi & suss wouldn’t cover that & that’s a NO from us all

Tommy: Excuse you whore! That’s Meena slander

Ali: You know what I mean though

Ali: Where did this come from, like ��

Tommy: 🤯 over straight boy behaviour since forever

Ali: I usually find them so boringly easy

Ali: not the brag it sounds

Ali: I’d rather get her again… I’d know what to do, before

Ali: It was safety, for her and us

Tommy: Before she would’ve followed you anywhere, you can’t keep her safe if she ain’t even gonna try to meet you halfway at anything

Ali: Like you said, nothing to be done, I suppose

Ali: At least today

Ali: I’m going to mass with her, she’s helping to set up, it’s something

Tommy: & I’ll squeeze in a 1 on 1 for me & her before I leave 🩰👒🎹🎤✨

Ali: Tah

Ali: If only getting people to spend time with her was the issue

Ali: Be fully booked if she wanted

Tommy: But like you said, it’s something & if anyone can talk her out of an unsuitable romance, it’s me 🧚🏼‍♂️

Tommy: don’t have your track record

Tommy: there’s at least a chance she’ll take my advice about doing better than a dealer 🤞 now I’ve got myself the “happy ending” of decent hair & only petty crime

Ali: None of my romances have been unsuitable

Ali: You underestimate how discerning her taste is when it comes to other people’s partners

Ali: He might not be Carly levels of demon but don’t mean you’ll find a nice word to be said, like

Tommy: put your claws away, Kit, talking Ro’s POV, Carls is my angel

Tommy: & I guarantee I’ve heard worse than she can dish from the other bitchy ballerinas who couldn’t get their 💅 in first

Tommy: simply not quaking, sorry

Ali: Just saying, if it were that easy, it’d be done by now

Tommy: just saying, I’ve not taken a turn yet

Ali: If there’s any day for luck…

Ali: It ain’t one where she’s decided to be in the worst mood ❌🍀

Tommy: I’ve only got the weekend, like

Ali: I understand her a bit better than that tah

Ali: as well as the appeal of prohibition

Ali: the more everyone weighs in on her being wrong, the more bolstered she feels in how right she actually is

Ali: one fuckboy mistake she’ll have to learn from

Tommy: & I don’t? PLEASE 🙄 No notes needed for this performance

Ali: She always gets worse when Bea comes back

Ali: I’ll be the one dealing when you all fuck off again

Tommy: I know

Tommy: so let me deal with her this time, Will, Gwen & Fi have all been here enough & they’ve got each other

Ali: Sorry, the moods catching

Tommy: She can run but the house ain’t grown any new hiding places & I remember ‘em all

Ali: She’s still small enough to fit in all the gaps and cracks, you less so

Ali: Anything is worth a shot

Ali: The party will be enough, loads of my mates are coming, yours won’t get bored 🤞

Tommy: True but when she gets in one she ain’t got the strength to get to another quick as I can 🐁🩰

Tommy: yeah, yeah the party don’t stop when I walk out, I know ☹️😏

Tommy: & Carls isn’t just my angel, she’ll save that bit of the day if needs

Ali: Tourists love St Paddy’s

Ali: and no one does it better than da

Tommy: if I were gonna disagree it’d only be to annoy him

Ali: @ the family group chat for that hilarious bants, Tommo

Tommy: 🐻👈

Tommy: 1st time I’ve used those not as a euphemism? Oh definitely

Ali: Please, you’re a couple of 🧚🏼‍♂️🧚🏼‍♂️s

Tommy: Tah, Darling

Tommy: flattery will get you an invite to the next teddy bears picnic

Ali: Bit rude to Carly that you think that’s my type

Ali: no 🧔s here

Tommy: It’s not me trying drive a wedge, she’s invited too

Ali: Thoughtful 😏

Tommy: You shall go to the ball

Ali: Glass shoes is an idea… 🤔

Tommy: One way to keep hold of your drink or stop a fight

Ali: Me and my shoes are keeping well out of any more fights, fuck that

Tommy: What is your outfit plan then?

Ali: I’ve got all the material to construct it now, I think

Ali: See what it comes out like 🤷‍♀️✨

Tommy: Fi don’t believe you can top last year’s

Ali: I love a challenge and a chance to impress, obviously

Tommy: chop chop 😼

Tommy: shameless distraction tactic I’m throwing at you, who?

Ali: Christ knows I’m running out of time with the to-do list never ending, hey ho

Tommy: Same tbh

Tommy: we’d better get back to it 🧹🎃

Ali: Fuck being a middle kid, right? 💔

Tommy: Honestly

Ali: You know what you’re getting Rocky yet, speaking of the little shit

Tommy: Probably that bow with the glowing arrows that stick to windows & shit, he keeps seeing the ad & reckons they’ll fly over the house

Ali: Alright, going for 🥇 sib, fair play 👏

Tommy: Sure you’ll have me beat with whatever you’re planning

Ali: I’ll think of something

Ali: Once this is all out the way

Ali: If ma will let us, we’ll take him camping with his 🏹

Tommy: Once all the 🍬🍫🧁🎂🧃 hits she’ll be glad to be rid

Ali: not the baby though 🙄

Tommy: thank god for daddy’s girl, yeah?

Tommy: you’ll never lose that 👑

Ali: try as you might, yeah yeah 😉

Tommy: 😏

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lavendersoft · 6 years ago

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Until I met you.

-Street fighter!Jimin x Reader

1/?

Synopsis: While on a date for their 2nd anniversary, Jimin loses Yoongi while being attacked in an alleyway by a robber. Yoongi sacrificed himself for his lover and Jimin could never forgive himself for not being able to do the same. The survivor’s guilt ate away at him over the months and it definitely didn’t help that he saw Yoongi’s face everywhere. In mirrors, dreams, large crowds, on trains, and even when he closed his eyes. Although, Jimin found a way to cope. He began a rigorous training schedule. Boxing, self-defense classes, Tae Kwon Do, he even started street fighting and got caught up with bad people. Anything and everything. His hands would bleed, his muscles would ache, his bones would break. Jimin was offered multiple full scholarships to prestigious martial arts schools for his talent, all of which Jimin turned down. He didn’t want to make a career out of this, he just didn’t want to be haunted by his dead fiancé. The only time Yoongi won’t haunt every moment of Jimin’s life was when he’s training, as if Yoongi is saying “I won’t rest, nor will I let you rest, until you’re stronger.” Jimin will never lose anyone that he loves again.

Everything felt like a downward spiral,

until he met you.

Warnings: (There’s a lot- and it’s kinda dark, be warned) PTSD, implied schizophrenia (sorta? take that with a grain of salt), PTSD induced delusions/hallucinations, depression, paranoia, night terrors, character death, major angst, unhealthy coping mechanisms, masochism(?), alcoholism, minor gore, mention of drug abuse, mention of blood, mention of asylums, profanity, Jimin goes through one hell of a mental breakdown.

Author’s notes: super slow burn :/ basically, in which jimin copes with the traumatic incident of his fiancé’s brutal murder by street fighting. this story isn’t yandere but has dark themes.

The air was lifted right out of Jimin’s lungs. Tears were flowing freely, his hands were stained red, he couldn’t even see the golden engagement ring through the thick blood. He couldn’t hear anything over the sound of his own sobs and heartbreak.

“Please... please stay awake. They’re coming, okay? Help’s coming. Just look at me. Look at me, please.”

He’d remembered somewhere that you were supposed to put pressure on wounds this big to stop the bleeding. If only his hands could stop shaking.

Yoongi had stopped responding about two minutes prior to this but Jimin refused to accept his fate. His last words replaying in Jimin’s mind like a mantra.

“Survive. Please, live. I love you.”

Two wallets.

Two fucking wallets with about 150,000 won split between them.

That’s how much his fiancé was murdered for.

Jimin jerks awake in a cold sweat. His bruised fist clamped around his bedsheets, heart rate much higher than it should be. He rises out of the creaking bed to stretch his overly tense muscles.

He can still feel the weight of his deceased boyfriend’s limp body in his arms.

Every day starts like this.

Every morning he’s pulled from the same reoccurring nightmare, then he starts his cold shower.

He can’t even take warm showers anymore, remembering how hot Yoongi insisted on keeping the water temperature when they showered together.

It’s been nine months.

Nine months, two weeks and four days since he lost the love of his life forever.

He hasn’t even taken off the engagement ring. It’s as if it’s glued to his finger now, his hand feels empty without it.

Jimin avoids looking in the mirror at all costs. In fact, he’s gotten rid of most of them in his home. The ones he couldn’t get rid of, he smashed with his bare hands in a fit of rage. The scars on his hands are proof.

How could he look at himself knowing how weak he was?

He scoffs.

Back then... how could I bare to tolerate myself back then? I was so flimsy and weak. Could barely open a fucking jar by myself. Absolutely pathetic.

Jimin’s heart has gotten callous. He is easily provoked and irrational. The takes unnecessary risks and is impulsive.

His therapist said it was “self-sabotage” or something.

Just two weeks ago, Jimin bleached his hair a striking blond, almost white- which burned most of his scalp- just because. And before that, on the nine-month anniversary of his lover’s passing, he went to get a tattoo on a whim. Just because he felt like it. He drinks alcohol for breakfast and has recently taken up smoking. The smell of cigarettes remind him of Yoongi, who also used to smoke.

Jimin liked pain. It was invigorating. He likes feeling things. Feeling has become a rarity, a privilege, a novelty.

Although irritable and easily angered, Jimin is not an unkind person. He gives to charity and volunteers at animal shelters. These things have also made him feel again, because he can feel Yoongi there, the real Yoongi. Yoongi was a huge advocate for human kindness. He used to say it was never justifiable to be a hateful person for no reason at all.

Jimin clings to this principal.

But it’s hard. It’s so hard to act happy when he’s so broken inside. He almost wishes he could just-

“Don’t you dare use me as an excuse to be a miserable person.” Yoongi’s voice rings out from behind him. Jimin screws his eyes shut and covers his ears.

“Go away.”

This person- this being- wasn’t Yoongi, that much he knew. If anything, it was a demon. A poltergeist that feeds off Jimin’s suffering. Yoongi would never do that.

This is why everyone around Jimin thinks he’s the sweetest, loveliest, most endearing man they’ve ever met. If only they knew about the unyielding hellfire that burns his very core.

“Good morning, Mrs. Jeon!” Jimin’s sweet voice cuts through the morning air.

He was on his way to his best friend Jungkook’s house to meet before Tae Kwon Do training. The Jeon family owns a martial arts studio and they’ve been training together for months now.

“Oh, good morning Jimin! How are you today?” The nice woman is always so cheerful, Jimin respects that.

“I’m wonderful, thank you. Have you heard from Jungkook? He’s supposed to meet me here.” Jimin hurry’s to catch up with the woman in front of him and takes her groceries off of her arms to carry.

“Yes, actually. He was running a tad late this morning since his class ended late. He should be here soon. Would you mind bringing those up for me?” She gestured to the apartment right above the studio, where the family lives.

“Not at all.”

When Jungkook finally arrives, he brings with him thirty-two excuses as to why he was late.

“I lost my phone.”

“My car ran out of gas.”

“My girlfriend broke up with me.”

Jimin chuckles as he suits up his training gear.

“Dude, if all of those things are true, you really need to get your life together.”

“You’re one to talk.”

Jimin’s heart stops when the cold, low growl sounds from behind him again.

“You’re far from qualified to be giving life advice.”

Jimin hides his frown when the oblivious Jungkook punches him on the shoulder playfully.

“Haha! Shut up, dude! Let’s go.” He chides, padding off to the ring.

Jimin’s falters a bit behind, throwing a quick but cautious glance at the bloody image of Yoongi that glares back at him.

“Pathetic.”

“Seriously, dude! You’re way too talented at this to not make some money off of it.”

Jungkook’s been trying to get Jimin to take the scholarship he was offered by a scout that visited their studio not too long ago.

“I don’t know, man. This was just supposed to be a hobby remember?”

Jimin knew better. This was much more than a hobby. It was his anchor. It was his stress reliever. It was keeping him sane.

“Come on. We both know better than that. I see the way your face changes to stone when you fight. You have something. Something real. You could make it in the business!”

“You sound like a mafia boss.”

Jimin smiles as he eats the last of his ramen.

“Ya. I’m serious. If not a professional fighter then at least a coach. I mean, I’m doing it because I wanna be a cop but,” Jungkook sips from his energy drink. “Do you really just want to be a dancer?”

Jimin sighs. Yes. That was his dream before everything happened. He still clings to the idea. Before nine months ago, the idea had seemed just within reach. He’d applied for so many dance and art schools, even getting into a couple.

But after everything, he’d given up. He stopped dancing. He hates music. Even if he tried, his skills wouldn’t be anywhere near the place they were.

He’d totally abandoned his dream.

“Yes. I do.” He lies.

Jungkook shrugs, “Well, if anything, it’s made you a better fighter. Your moves are so fluid, it’s amazing.”

“Careful, you’re getting a crush.” Jimin jabs at him with a chopstick.

“Ugh. Please,” the younger rolls his eyes, “like I could ever. Plus, my girlfriend probably wouldn’t like that very much.”

“Oh? I thought you two ‘broke up’, no?”

“Nah. I love her too much.” Jimin finds it cute that Jungkook actually loves his girlfriend. Before, he was a player, only using girls for sex or free food.

“Don’t use girls like toys, Jungkook.” Yoongi would always keep Jungkook in place when he broke another heart.

“Well, this ones on you. Since you lost. Again.” Jimin’s giggle makes Jungkook pout.

“One of these days, I’m gonna beat you, Park Jimin.” Jungkook pouts.

“One of these days.” Jimin reiterates.

Jimin says goodbye to his friend and pushes through the restaurant door. He misses the worried look Jungkook gives him when he turns his back.

The raindrops hit the top of the hood of Jimin’s jacket as he walks down the busy street. He hates being too alone these days. Jungkook really helps keep Jimin grounded, he’s one of the only people that don’t totally annoy him now. He reminds Jimin of all the times Yoongi, Jungkook, Tae, Namjoon, Jin, Hoseok, and himself would hang out as teens and young adults. Just fooling around without any worry. No cares or responsibilities, young love, parties. That was their lives.

Until nine months ago.

The grief of losing one of the group was detrimental. It seemed like no one was recovering properly, except maybe Jungkook. That’s why Jimin cohered himself to Jungkook, he seemed to be the most stable out of them all.

Namjoon and Tae both landed themselves in jail on multiple occasions for a plethora of reasons.

Hoseok checked himself into a mental asylum for a while. Last Jimin heard, he was abusing drugs of some sort.

And Jin moved across the country, said he wanted to start fresh. But really, he was just doing what Jin did best- running away.

None of them kept contact, except for Jungkook.

The entire carefree, wild group of friends had dissipated into nothing.

He feels his eyebrows furrow into a stern look.

They all left.

“They all left you.” His jaw clenches at the familiar, yet slightly inhuman voice. “They never cared about you. And Jungkook will leave you one day, too. No one is forever.”

Jimin’s turns down an alleyway and stops about halfway through, tears gathered in his eyes.

“No one is forever, but at least they keep moving forward. You’re just stuck.”

Yeah, Jimin truly hates being alone.

The not-so-subtle red neon sign flickers with the bright name of the “club.”

The large metal door makes a shallow sound when Jimin’s taps on it three times. A man wearing all black with sunglasses answers, “Passwo- oh, Jimin-ah. Come on in.”

Jimin nods once to the tall bodyguard as he passes him. The man towers over Jimin in height but the energy around the two doesn’t match. The man takes a small, nervous step back when Jimin starts forward.

Jimin hates how skittish everyone is in this little hole in the wall.

The biggest underground fighting ring in Korea was right next door to Jimin’s apartment, who would have thought. How convenient.

Heads bow as he passes. No one makes eye contact. Some mumble respectful greetings while putting honorifics next to his name, no matter what age or status they have.

He’s basically a king here.

But he doesn’t want the throne.

Jimin’s peers into the crowd and sure enough, sights his dead lover. He just wants this damn demon to leave him alone.

Yoongi never bothers him while he’s fighting or training. It’s like he goes dormant or something. That’s why Jimin keeps doing it. Well, that and because he wants to be strong. Stronger than he’s ever been.

And he is. He’s undefeated in this hellhole. He sort of blanks out when he fights anyone that’s not Jungkook. That’s how he earned the appropriate nickname “Demon”, for good reason. He’s heard from others that’s he’s terrifying when he’s in the ring. Although no one but his manager and couple other higher-ups dare to call him that, and he barely even tolerates that.

The last newcomer that called him that learned through a crushed windpipe to not.

He only does this to pay the bills. Everyone here knows that. It pisses some people off. For some, this was their entire life, what they were raised to do. Born to be fighting machines.

So, naturally, some don’t like Jimin. Especially those who he’s fought and won against. But Jimin couldn’t care less about what these people think about him.

“Manager-nim,” Jimin addresses an older man, somewhere in his forties, “I need you to schedule another Gold for me.”

See, the underground business is one built on ranking.

In the underground street fighting business, fights were categorized by prize earning and rank of the fighters. Gold rank fights could only be scheduled by- and usually for- the highest members, the Elites. The grand prize for a win was seven hundred million won. Only the greatest of the greatest won the prize and thus, earning an elite status (if not an elite already).

Jimin’s won it twice.

“Ya, getting pretty greedy now, are we? You just won it a couple months ago, Kid. Where’d that money go?”

“It’s gone.”

The suited man scoffs, “You need a better budgeting plan, Demon.” Jimin fights the urge to uppercut him.

“Can you do it or not?” Jimin’s patience is already wearing thin and he’s been here for a whole five minutes.

“You know, contrary to what you might believe, I’m not a money machine. The money you win when you fight comes from somewhere. Not only that, I’m not the only Elite that gets to decide. We take a vote.”

“Well vote.”

“Aish.” He growls, “You’re something else. People here are gonna start to think I favor you, and that’s dangerous for the both of us.” He pauses to look Jimin in the eyes, “You know, you have all of the qualifications to make the Elite status. Why don't you do the initiation-”

“Let me know when you have an answer.” Jimin’s made his feelings on the subject clear already. He has no intention of making this a permanent thing. This isn't a lifestyle, this isn't his job. It’s just a way to relieve his stress and make some cash.

With that, Jimin takes his leave, disappearing into the same direction from which he came. He’s truly a mysterious phenomenon.

Jungkook: hey do u wanna meet me and Jiyoo tonight for dinner?

Jimin peers down at his phone in confusion.

Jimin: uh third-wheeling really isn’t my thing lol

Jungkook: no, no we have someone we want you to meet. she’s Jiyoo’s sister and she’s just come home from college.

Jimin groans. This isn’t the first time Jungkook’s tried to set him up since Yoongi passed. He appreciates the sentiment but Jimin doesn’t think he’ll ever love someone like that again. It’s too much to ask for.

Jimin: idk man i’m pretty tired from training today. i think i’m gonna pass.

Jungkook: pretty please?

Ugh.

Jimin shoves a pillow over his face in frustration. He’s never been able to tell the kid no. And besides that- Jimin can feel the beady eyes of the shadowy figure in the corner. No, he doesn’t really want to stay here.

Jimin: fine.

—

The restaurant is filled with all sorts of people. From children to the elderly. Jimin gazes from person to person trying to decipher what kind of person they are. He tries to hinder the negative thoughts from entering his mind about them.

Jungkook’s always late. Always. When Jungkook says “5:30” he really means “6:00.” You’d think after almost a decade of knowing the kid, Jimin would learn.

He fidgets with the sleeves of his sweater. Why was he so nervous all of a sudden? Was it because these blind dates never end well? He thinks back to the last blind date Jungkook had set him up with.

Jimin shudders.

He can still hear the innocent girl’s cries as she fled his apartment, heartbroken.

He’s pulled from his thoughts as an arm slings around his shoulder, “Hey, man.”

Jungkook’s bright smile beams at him.

“Hey. Hi, Jiyoo.” He greets the couple as they take their seats.

“Hey, Jiminie.” Jungkook’s girlfriend was super cute, he’ll give her that.

“So..?” He’s confused time see that they came alone.

“Oh, she’s coming. My little sister is always a little late.”

Later than you both?

Jimin stops himself from the bitterness that threatens to erupt again. Not tonight. He’s going to try to be on his best behavior for his friend’s sake.

He’ll save all those pent up emotions for the fight he has scheduled tomorrow.

He vaguely registers the figure that makes its way into his peripheral vision, although he pays it no mind at first.

“Oh, Y/n! It’s good to see you again.” Jungkook seems a bit overly excited. What’s all the fuss about? It’s not like-

Oh.

Okay, so she’s, like, really pretty. So what?

“Hi, Jungkook. Nice to see you. Jiyoo!” The girl walks over to embrace her sister tightly, “Oh my God, it feels like it’s been forever.”

After they take their greetings, the woman sits down across from Jimin.

“Hello, you must be Jimin. Jungkook’s told me so much about you. I’m Y/n.”

Okay, so she has the voice of an angel, big deal.

“Um, hi- yeah, I’m Jimin.” He reaches out to take the hand she offers.

“So, Y/n’s a dancer,” Jungkook starts when the food is placed in front of them, “and she’s really good.”

“Not that good.” She blushes.

“Don’t be modest, Y/n. She’s going to a really prestigious dance school on a full scholarship!” Her sister beams.

“Oh? Which one?” Jimin presses. It’s not like he’s interested or anything. Definitely not.

“Global. Global Dance Studio.” She answers.

“Ah. I heard they were good.” Jimin knows more than he let on. That was literally his dream school.

“Yeah, but strict. The training is brutal.” She emphasizes. He knows, he had to go through the same treatment. He hates that he feels a pang of jealousy and resentment towards this person he’s just met.

“I’ve heard.” He finishes as he takes the first bite of his food.

The rest of the hour-long dinner was pretty boring, with Jiyoo and Jungkook mostly taking ahold of the conversation. Although, Jimin will admit that he couldn’t stop glancing back at the beautiful girl across from him.

And he won’t pretend that he didn’t notice her treating him the same.

He was charming and kind, as usual, but he remained on the quiet side of the conversation. Jimin knew that Jungkook could tell he wasn’t being quite as flirty as he usually is with setups like this, from the way that the younger kept trying to tie Jimin in the chit chat.

Jimin stays subtle for the rest of the date.

When the group says their goodbyes, his eyes linger on hers for longer than the rest.

“It was nice to meet you, Y/n.”

“Likewise.” She grins and Jimin feels his heart stop.

And then he leaves. Really, really fast.

That’s not good.

—

#Until I Met You #bts fanfiction #bts #park jimin #min yoongi #yoonmin #jeon jungkook #park jimin fanfic #park jimin fanfiction #jimin x reader #bts x reader #bts fanfic #jimin #yoongi #jungkook #street fighter! jimin

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thetourguidebarbie · 6 years ago

Note

You’ve got to be kidding me + Klaroline :)

Inspired by a tweet I saw posted somewhere about group projects.

---

“You’ve got to be kidding me,” Caroline whispered, staring down at her phone, feeling rage build quickly inside of her as she read the tinder messages over for the fourth time.

[klaus]: hello, sweetheart.

[klaus]: any plans tonight?

What an ass.

They’d been thrown together for their philosophy project early on in the semester, courtesy of Professor Saltzman, resident life-ruiner. Klaus had studiously avoided her attempts to get him to talk to her after class, to the extent of being absent for the past few weeks. He’d also refused to answer any of her texts asking when they would meet up, and managed to fall completely off the grid whenever she tried to track him down through his friends or facebook. It was infuriating, the lengths to which he was going to avoid her. Sure, the philosophy project was stupid, but they still had to do it, and not all of them had a trust fund to fall back on. She had student loans that weren’t paying off themselves, and even if she hadn’t, he was being a jerk.

And now he’d had the nerve–the audacity–to message her on tinder, a place she usually went to escape stress rather than to have her blood pressure rocket up to dangerous levels. Did he even know that she was his partner? Her picture didn’t look any different from her in real life, or at least not enough to excuse him forgetting her face. Ugh. Infuriating. Did he seriously think he could just message her as though she’d be up for a one-night-stand with someone she knew for a fact was a slacker?

Caroline Forbes did not date slackers, nor did she have one-night-stands with slackers.

Caroline Forbes dated men who had their shit together. Ideally.

She glared at her phone screen, which still had Klaus’s messages open. He could have at least sent her a quick text to agree to the topic she’d chosen. If he wanted to spend his time with girls he messaged on tinder, she was happy to oblige. It was clear that he wasn’t going to work on their project voluntarily, so she might as well take drastic measures.

[caroline]: just homework, but i’d be willing to have a distraction ;)

[klaus]: excellent. do you want to get a drink? I know a good pub by campus.

[caroline]: How about we just skip to you coming to my place? I’m short on time and we both know where this is going to go…

This was, of course, a lie. He did not know that he was going to come over and they were going to do some research on Descartes.

[klaus]: well i can’t say I’m not flattered, love. Address?

Caroline typed out her apartment number and hit send before busying herself getting ready for company. Klaus might be a flaky jerk, but that didn’t mean he deserved a couch with cookie crumbs all over it. She also changed into more stranger-appropriate clothing and put on some mascara, not because Klaus was cute, but because it would give her confidence. Obviously.

He knocked just after she’d finished hauling her books out of her room into her kitchen and opening her laptop. He gave her a dimpled smile when she opened the door for him, and she stood aside to let him in, gesturing to the kitchen. “This way.”

“Bossy,” he murmured quietly, though he obligingly followed, and she pointed to the chair next to her books.

“Do you want a drink? I have water, milk, juice, and a few beers. Actually, scratch that, I’d rather we were both sober for this.”

“No thank you,” he said slowly, clearly catching onto this not being a normal one night stand (or even a one night stand at all, if she had anything to say about it).

“Suit yourself,” she said with forced cheer, sitting down next to him and grabbing a highlighter. “So, I know you never answered my texts, but I think that using Discourse on the Method is too cliche. Everyone who got assigned Descartes is going to be doing it. I think we should compare and contrast Principles of Philosophy with Aristotle’s writings.”

He stared at her for a moment, clearly trying to figure out what she was talking about. Watching realization slowly dawn on him over a few seconds was immensely satisfying. “You’re my partner for the philosophy project,” he said, having the decency to look at least a little sheepish.

“Yes, I am. I know that a philosophy project probably wasn’t your plans for tonight, but honestly I kind of don’t care. This is due in two weeks, and I’m not doing the whole thing myself. You can have a sexcapade marathon with tinder hookups after we’re done, but right now I need you to read one of the books and take notes. Would you rather do Aristotle or Descartes?”

“I thought you just said we had to agree on a topic,” Klaus said, looking slightly amused.

“I made an executive decision, since you didn’t text me back,” Caroline said, giving him a clearly false smile. “I already did you the huge favor of outlining the main points, too. All you need to do is find stuff to back it up, write it up, and send it to me. Super easy. Shouldn’t take you more than a few hours, tops.”

He gave her an assessing look, clearly realizing he’d misjudged her. She’d had extensive experience with men thinking the way she talked and the interests she had meant she was stupid, and it was depressing that she was used to it by now, and that he’d bought into it. Hopefully he’d shape up now that he realized she wasn’t going to let him half-ass the whole thing at the last minute.

“All right. Shall I do it this weekend and get back to you, then?” he asked, making a move to get up.

She reached out and grabbed his sleeve, tugging him back down. He let her, sinking into her kitchen chair. “Nice try, buddy. I want to make sure this gets done, so until I can see that you’ve made progress, you’re not leaving.”

He seemed to be debating saying something. She had a feeling he was itching to point out that he could just leave if he wanted, but instead he nodded, grabbing the highlighter she was holding out for him to take. “I suppose that I have time if it means you’ll stop incessantly texting me about it for the rest of the semester.”

“Oh, trust me, you have been enough of a jerk about this that I fully intend on never texting you again once we’re done,” Caroline said, her voice saccharine. “So, want to rethink that drink? We might be here awhile.”

They ended up ordering a pizza around midnight, taking a break to eat. She found that Klaus was funny, if a bit arrogant, and he listened when she talked, gently teasing her about things she was interested in, but taking her returning jabs in stride. It wasn’t an unpleasant evening, and she could reluctantly admit in the privacy of her own head that it had almost even been fun. They got most of the project done, and he left around two, promising that he’d send her the rest of his part of the essay the next afternoon.

When he did finally email it to her (on time, even!), he followed up with a text a few seconds later.

[klaus]: I just emailed you my part of the project, love. I apologize for the delay.

[caroline]: thanks!

[klaus]: I know that you have every reason to be cross with me, but I was hoping that you might consider taking me up on that drink?

[caroline]: A drink?

[klaus]: Yes. I enjoyed your company, and I was hoping for a date. A real one.

[klaus]: I fancy you, Caroline.

Caroline frowned at her phone, considering her options. On the one hand, he’d avoided the project for weeks and had made her life immeasurably more stressful because of it. He was clearly kind of a jerk. A hot jerk, but still a jerk. Did she really want to get mixed up with him?

She guessed maybe something casual wouldn’t hurt. What was the worst that could happen? She’d have trouble tracking him down to break up with him?

[caroline]: Fine. Against my better judgment, you get one date.

[caroline]: I should warn you though, I don’t date slackers.

As she found out when she brought him home for some non-academic activities a few days later, he took her warning very seriously.

#klaroline #klaroline drabbles #klaroline drabble #klaroline fanfiction #mydrabbles #anon #ask #answer

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dgalerab · 5 years ago

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Ain’s April Advisory

yes i know it’s february but i seem to have already started my descent into “becoming an actively worse person for a month and then some because it’s just really infuriating that bad things can happen and no one does anything to fix it bc some things just don’t have solutions even if it’s very easy to convince yourself that if people maybe just did x for you then grief and depression would be better somehow??? idk” madness so here’s a general faq of “hey, ain, are you okay?”

(tw for mentions of suicide, death and depression under the cut)

anyway i’ve hated april for a long, long time. i have very bad allergies that hit, without fail, on april 1st every year. i get SADs in reverse so that when the entire northern hemisphere is rejoicing in how they finally aren’t suffering from SAD, then i literally am just entering it. and then people try to cheer me up with how the flowers are nice, which is very great because they are actively trying to kill me

so after all that my childhood friend also committed suicide in april. we were friends literally since i can remember, were best friends until we were 13 and then fell out of touch, but then he agreed to be my best man at my wedding, and that was the last conversation we ever had. if you ever want to lose someone who should have been your best friend for life but wasn’t at the time of his death because life is complicated, i cannot recommend the experience. 0/10, many regrets

and thus at this point, fuck the entire month

so, the faq:

this is a bummer but i don’t want to see your posts about it

fair and valid. i tag things related to this “ain’s april ainguish,” please feel free to blacklist it, i probably would too bc honestly don’t we carry enough enough of our own grief to constantly be bombarded with that of others? the internet is very overwhelming, please take care of yourself

i do see your posts about it but idk how to reach out

yeah. people who’ve followed me long enough probably know that i am deeply disconcerted and sometimes angered by genuine, direct concern beyond, like, “woof that blows”

actually now that i think about it if you send me an ask saying “woof that blows” about my dead friend i would be very entertained and extremely pleased

ain what the fuck

yeah it’s a character flaw, one i still haven’t found the solution to other than “silently carry the resentment within my heart while trying to talk myself into valuing the intention over the result, probably until i meltdown at someone just doing their best. oops”

rest assured

okay so then what do you want/need?

well:

hyperfixations: talk to me about them. literally anything. i am not subtle about what they are at the moment but i also appreciate things from older hyperfixations but please note that it’s very hard for me to switch gears so if you just ask general thoughts about something older, i will not always have something to add and bc i am in and out of depression for the whole month, i may just let your ask sit there for weeks and then feel super bad about it

art and fic also! are super cool! don’t feel shy about it at all, the fact that people put in effort for me or bc they love my fics/assorted works is like! so! great! (this is not to guilt anyone into doing things for me, i just want to encourage anyone who might want to that trust me, i will love it) and especially when i’m just angry and upset about how life is harsh and unfair, it really cheers me up

if i don’t respond to something you’ve created for me within a week or so, tumblr has goofed and i have not seen it. please message it to me

also, not to sound like an ungrateful asshole, but if you are planning something for me this month and you tell me you are planning an unspecified thing, but then you run out of time and can’t do it, please just tell me that and what i was going to be instead of just awkwardly never mentioning it again. yes, numerous close friends of mine have done this. no my brain does not handle it gracefully

humor: my friend was the one that taught me you can’t spell funeral without fun. he wanted fireworks at his funeral. he did not get them. instead, when picking the song planned for his funeral, the files got mixed up and a peppy pop cover of it played instead and no one could stop laughing. his ghost was rightfully blamed. there is no joke too cheap or insensitive for that absolute dickhead. if you ever wanted to make morbid jokes about someone’s dead friend, this is the time babey

but my birthday is in april

great news! april has an even number of days so you can be neatly filed into “close enough to march” or “close enough to may,” and though i may physically wish you a happy birthday in the hell month, my soul will be astral projecting into a better month. rejoice, for you have been saved. also please, please just let me hate this month in peace, it is the one thing i genuinely, seriously just despise without any nuance or self-reflection

anyway that’s been my summary of “hey ain why are you such a massive drag about a whole month of the year and what should i do about it”

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iwillgiveyoumyhappiness · 5 years ago

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Song Tag

Song game!

Tagged by @bae-minseung

Thanks for tagging me, luv!

Rule: You can only repeat one artist and song only one time, so we can all kind of spread new 🎶to the people we tag. Try to listen to at least one of the song’s people rec here.

1. Song you 💛ed the first time you listened to and never got tired of?

Universe by Minhyun

When ‘Universe’ came out on April 3rd of 2019, I already knew it was going to become one of my favorite songs ever. How did I know that? I can’t really say. The first note tickled my ear and made me feel fuzzy inside, but also a little sad. I don’t know if there’s anyone else out there that likes standing in the rain and feeling it trickle down your cheeks, but it felt like that—only better. It felt like the cold water was warm, and instead of it being clear, it was dye and it was coloring me beautifully. That song felt like first love to me. Thrilling and beautiful, but also a little heart-wrenching and sorrowful. I think that’s why I love it so much, and still love it to this day. I can always go back to that song to fill me with the color that I lack. In the words of Minhyun: “You have to be happy, my universe”.

2. One song you 😭 every time you listen or makes you emotional?

The Last by Agust D

‘The Last’ is such a painfully honest song, and I admire that honesty. Since BTS debuted in 2013, I remember looking at Min Yoongi through the eyes of a relatively thoughtless nine-year-old and thinking, “What kind of person are you? Who are you?” I thought it was a funny question, at the time. I knew who he was. He was Min Yoongi—Suga from BTS. He was a cool Korean guy I saw on the internet. Though, as time went by and I got older, I realize it.

“You’re me.”

“You’re older than me, and we’re different people.”

“But that doesn’t matter.”

“You’re me in another body.”

When I came to that realization, I cried for hours without making any noise. Not because I didn’t want to, but because I couldn’t. Up until that point, I was someone who locked her door and screamed until she felt better, but at that time, I realized that it felt better to scream in my head, because then I could do it whenever I needed to. I could be in a room full of people, and I could still be screaming. For whatever reason, I felt comforted by that. I always used to scream and throw tantrums so that people would hear me. So they would know what I was thinking, and what I did or didn’t like. I needed to be heard; I desired it. But after coming to my ‘realization’, I didn’t need to scream to be heard anymore, because there was already someone out there that understood me.

I’m incredibly blessed that ‘The Last’ came out around that time that I developed my ‘Yoongi-ness’, for lack of better term that doesn’t sound too over-dramatic. I’ve never been depressed—I’ve just been really sad or couldn’t feel anything at all, but I’ve felt less really-sad (or at least more comfortable with my really sad), because I knew that I could come back to this song and feel like someone understood.

And that made me happy. That’s one reason why I’m so happy now.

He understood me without hearing a word I said, knowing my face, or knowing my name. Without knowing of my existence, I felt treasured and that’s why ‘The Last’ is always the song that can make me emotional/cry.

3. One song that always makes you happy/😁?

Get Cool by Stray Kids

I have no reason for this whatsoever. I think it’s just the way they sing it or the meaning behind the lyrics, but I always feel cheered up when I listen to this song. Like nothing can bring me down and I can just be unashamed about how freakin’ happy I am.

4. One song you would dedicate to your best friend and/or family?

P.O.P (Piece of Peace) by J-hope

I think this one is pretty self explanatory. If I care for someone, I want to be their strength and their light. I want to make their dreams brighter and their nightmares disappear. I want to be a safe place for them. Therefore! Piece of Peace.

5. One song with production (the sounds, the beat, the mood) you 😍?

Manitto by Villain

This song!! This song always makes me feel like I’m in an MV, ‘cause no matter where you are, it somehow fits every. Single. Situation. It makes me feel like a suave criminal that walks by people on the street and everyone’s just like, “Daaaaaamn, is that a snack? ‘Cause all of a sudden, I’m hungry”. I always feel 50% more confident once I listen to this song. I’m not someone who swings their hips when they walk, but Manitto has that effect on me. It unlocks my inner zest. I fell in love with this song the first time I heard it and it’s been stuck in my ear eternally ever since. The vibe, the mood, the production—all of it is outstanding and totally underrated. Plus, Villain is probably one of my biggest vocal inspirations. I don’t necessarily follow his style (mostly because I don’t think I’m capable of his abilities), but I admire him so much because he’s always had his own voice color that is just incomparable.

6. One song with perfect, amazing, outstanding lyrics?

My New World by CIX

Oh my goshhhhhhh, where to start with this one? There’s nothing I don’t love about this song, particularly the lyrics. Everything from Yonghee’s falsetto to Seunghun’s power to BX’s and Hyunsuk’s shared rap part to Jinyoung’s “heyyyy~” (only those that have listened to it will understand)—it always hits me in a strong, powerful way. It’s a song all about carrying your light along with your darkness, and that’s always a lesson I’m try to teach myself every single day. I think one of my favorite lines is: “Take the bumpy road”, because it reminds me of something I told myself once. I was sitting on my bed at 4:30 in the morning, watching the sunrise. I was in a really nostalgic mood and I was alone in the house, so I just sighed, laid down and started crying for no reason, telling myself, “It’s hard to be a good person”. I think ‘My New World’ has become a source of strength for me, because it makes me feel like I’m more capable of going through the struggles of trying to be the best version of myself.

7. One song that you would recommend to anyone?

go, just go by eli

I think if you listen to it, you’ll find out what I mean without me even having to say much. I remember putting this on my friend’s ‘Calm Down and Chill’ playlist and then that same day, he called me and said, “What the heck is this?” and I was like, “...what?”. He explained to me that he meant the song, but I didn’t understand why he was so adamant about it until he said, “You can’t put stuff like that on my playlists. It’s too beautiful and it makes me cry”. I think that’s pretty powerful.

8. One song you don’t understand why you like so much but you do anyway?

BLACKWHITE by CORBYN

Corbyn (ex member of 24k) is a little-known self-producing soloist under 28Laboratory and BLACKWHITE is my favorite song by him. I love the classy-old-film vibe it has, despite it being a hip-hop song with hard rap. I’m not sure why I like, but I think it has something to do with how clever and almost punny the lyrics are. Not to mention, I always gets chills whenever he says, “Y’all don’t amaze me”. Another thing that probably helps in adding to my love for this track is that his producing feels familiar to me since he produced a lot of my favorite 24k songs, like Super Fly and Bonnie N’ Clyde.

9. One song that you think people in general wouldn’t like, but you do?

TOP Gang by MCND

I will openly admit that this is a genera plenty people aren’t that into—hip-hop with rap-heavy vocals and a raw production quality—but I happen to love this song. Not only does it impress me that all the members are so young (Win has been my baby since Under19), but also because the members took part in the writing and producing of the song. Castle J helped in producing it, and he wrote the lyrics for it, along with Win and BIC. They really have so much talent and they put so much effort into it, and I find the way they structured their rhyming to be very addictive. I find myself going back to listen to it because it puts me in that “I can do anything” kind of mood.

10. One song people normally like and you don’t like or hate?

Cheerleader by OMI

...I don’t have much to say about this one, I just don’t like it. I’m not a very social person, but I remember the year that this was REALLY popular was probably my busiest year yet, so I was out all the time, and it was playing EVERYWHERE. Going to the pool with my friends? It’s playing. Dinner with my family? It’s playing. Literally just shopping for some new underwear? (TMI, I know) Yup, that’s right. It’s playing. I just couldn’t stand it by the end of the year. 😂

11. One song you would call a masterpiece?

Saturn by Sleeping At Last

‘Saturn’ is the one song I come back to over and over again. It makes me happy, it makes me cry, it makes me thoughtful and pensive. It’s everything that I would consider a ‘masterpiece’. The beginning part with the violins and the piano always reminds me of my sister and I, because that’s always been out thing. I play piano, she plays violin. For both of us, music is our first love. My sister’s lost her first love because life is busy and she’s always working and stressed, but I’m fighting tooth and nail to hold onto it and never let go, because to me, music is everything. It brings me to the stars, which are too far away for me to physically touch. It can make me feel when I’m numb, it can make me happy when all I’ve done is cry, and it makes me realize over and over again that life is literally the best thing ever. We’d have nothing without life, and music makes that apparent to me—especially this song.

12. One song you recently (30 days max) discovered and really liked it?

I’m not okay by Deadfish

I like songs that give me an atmosphere, and this song definitely does just that. It feels like brutal honesty cutting into my skin while I’m drowning in my backyard pool, and the chlorine is seeping into my wounds and it just hurts, but in such a nice way. It feels like the loneliness gets a little bit less lonely by the end of the song, and it definitely lessens your sense of self-pity, because you realize other people feel the same as you, if not worse.

13. One song you listen to to get pumped like you wanna tear down the government or something?

HIT by Seventeen

Hit fills me with a sense of excitement and hype unlike any other. Basically, everything about it—the beat, rhythm, lyrics, bass-drop, synth, the fanchant—gets me absolutely hyped up. I can’t sit still whenever I’m listening to it, and I always (ALWAYS) sing along. If I’m sitting, I’m doing this weird shoulder and waist dance. If I’m standing, I’m jumping up and down higher than a volleyball player. It’s even worse when I’m in the mood for dancing, ‘cause then I attempt the choreography, but only in the comfort of solitude, ‘cause oh my gosh, there’s some embarrassing moments. This one definitely is heightened by the fact that I’m going to a Seventeen concert in less than a week.

Thanks again for tagging me, luv! I had a lot of fun doing it, as you know I always like to share my music with anyone that’ll listen. Anyway! I’ll tag my peeps now.

@shizziebo (You always have interesting opinions, Cheya. Love to know what’s going on in that head.)

@lostmyshame (I’m curious what you’d say. You intrigue me. 👍)

@aesthetic-06-24 (I got a random sense from you; don’t know why.)

@itslilliansnow (I know you’ve been busy recently, so don’t worry too much about getting to this.)

#tag game #tag #song #song tag

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doctorguilty · 6 years ago

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[[MORE]]

I feel super disconnected from everyone and everything around me like I feel like a ghost?? Stuck in my body so I'm physically here but no one can like see me? Like I've been feeling like that for a while but it's gotten a little worse, I've been falling into that "nobody loves/likes/cares about me" mindset again too

Maybe it's a symptom of being overworked, which I still have some time I need to wait out before the work stuff starts to stabilize but I don't know it still might be brain stuff and like seasonal depression.. I didn't really get an all that good spring or summer tbh like other than July and August I was finally at a high again and then a breakup hit me out of the blue and I crashed like I guess when I think about it all in the time frame it was it's. Really been unrelenting like mentally and emotionally like I didn't even get to be at my Best during the Best seasons it was more like falling down the stairs into fall and winter, with a fleeting intermission ....

I just want a break like nice things are happening but my mind and body are like, in different places and neither caught up........ I made plans to go partying on Friday which always cheers me up but I'm like dreading it???? Like I don't want to???? But like, pushes myself ,,, you KNOW this is good for you .. but that's just how depression is like, avoiding things that usually make you happy,.

Like I can feel my walls going up and the urge to isolate myself more is there, I've already been like unable to socialize most people which like I said I feel bad about like that's no one's fault obviously but still

Ugh I'm just!!!! A mess! If I can justtttt off these night shifts and get morning shifts I know for a fact that will be the most beneficial thing to my psyche and I can work my way back in place from there aaaa! Holds out!

#seth speaks #d0 n0t r3bl0g

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unclejuho · 6 years ago

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sf9 in london event + concert experience ☽༓･*˚⁺‧͙

this is my 5k essay on what happened 190512 // enjoy reading!!!

so i got to the venue at 11pm the night before bc i was so stressed by the other concerts (ppl at la started lining up at 6pm??) i really wanted to be near the front since im coming all way from the netherlands anyways i better go big or go home!!!! so like i waited there for an hour amongst other fans who were still waiting from a diff concert and when they left other fantasy arrived so we started queueing up. i rlly have to thank sf9 uk casue they were so nice to me and they kept letting me use their hotel next door to let me go to the bathroom and change ♥️

i ended up getting nr1 (or nr21 ig isbdhs) so!!!! we did it LMAO succesfully got a good spot even though my feet and butt were dead by the time anything even happened,, its so hard to wait for 16+ hours to go to a concert but its sf9 so who cares about health 🤡 we didnt get knifed and a lot of ppl came up to ask who the fuck we were waiting for hdbshsh it was so funny

so i started handing out my juho stuff ofc and ppl seemed to like it!!! so im glad haha eventually even i didnt have any anymore so i was happy ppl liked it!

skip to like 1pm which is when the members arrived at the venue, i was a lil late noticing cus i was waiting for those signed narcissus albums but i ran to the front anyways n saw youngbin chani tae leave the van (like what they posted in the travel preview) so that was!!!!! jdbdbsb they were so unbothered it was so cute so i went to get my albums and came back to line (i got all hwiyoung pcs oshshah)

also there were so many other fans handing out fanmades it was so sweet the entire atmosphere was fantastic bc everyone was nice to eachother, rlly everyone i talked to was super sweet!!! also so many fansites with slogans or fans so i went broke once more but it was all worth it theyre so pretty...

at like 4.30 was the special event which lmao i rlly was so tired and i got sooo nervous i had my already signed fanfare from mwave bc if ure gonna sign any album it should be fanfare (looking at ALL the ppl that gave them narcissus) sooo us 20 were led upstairs to some sort of bar area and they had a long table w water bottles so we had to wait a lil while the staff checked our signed items if they were ok and then we had to form a line to wait (they were late) i met another dutchie so that was nice hdhshsh

finally the members walk out and im shaking bc baek ju is the first to enter the room!!! he was wearing that leopard sweater and i didnt even hate his mullet seeing it upclose...

jae was wearing that stupid unbottoned shirt skbssbsb and he came in giving ALL the fanservice like him and inseong were here for the entire thing osbdbsb the other members just sat down and sociaized with eachother like yb kept being adorable and pulling faces at the table it was everything and i couldnt see rowoon bc ppl were standing in front of him but i was!!!! shaking already bc whos idea was it to start off this event with fucking rowoon lmao is like immediate heart attack! ju was last which was oof...

so i had like ideas of what i wanted to talk abt w each members but lmao??? i didnt talk abt any of it to any member my mind was so shook...

first up was rowoon and he just hdhshsh???? the eye contact of this man and just seeing him upclose was so intense tf he rlly was.. so gorgeous n bc of his hair up his eyes looked even bigger n shimmered and the pics rlly dont do him justice... so the first thing i said was wow so handsome bc why not.. i was gagged indeed hdbdbsb he said like woooow our debut album and you already have it signed oabdbs i didnt explain the entire mwave thing bc wud he understand haha but he opened n he saw the pic of himself hes like what do u like better me now or me here??? me being myself im like fanfare bc ur hair down is so cute oahdhshs i rlly not a narcissus hag anyways but fanfare was best rowoon as always... so rowoon did his sign and i asked him to do sky castle impersonation he didnt understand so i just repeated sky castle he was like ah the voice thing im like yes cha minhyuk isbdbsh so he did the fucking thing and i was dying lmao great to have seen it in the flesh ofc...

after rowoon was taeyang and taeyang!!!! was so hyper and attentive like hdnsb whenever u see him in vids hes usually very casual but he was soooo sweet and he too was like ahhh fanfare he took a while to say but he said his heart was still in there hdhdhsh so i was 🤧🤧 i just asked tae if he was doing okay or if he wasnt feeling tired and he said he was doing great bc i was there im like dying hdhshsh so i said yah me too!!!!

jae was after taeyang n jae was jdhshshs soooo into it i know korean fans say ppl change biases to jae after meeting him and i have to say i can see why!!! i didnt rlly know what to say to jae beforehand but he said oooo i really love london and im like haha i dont like it here im like im from the netherlands so he was shocked he said thank you for coming to travel here and he held my hand isbdbsbsb

next was inseong and... the eye contact level was sooo severe he rlly threw all into it hes like hi thank you for coming so much so i was wearing this shirt w a 🥩 on it and im like inseong do u like my shirt bc i know u love meat iahdhahsh so he was laughing n said yea wow this is my favorite shirt oshdhshs rlly had me going LOL he asked if it was my first time seeing them im like yea but im going to korea in the summer tho oshdhshs he said that was great n asked how long i was staying for,,, so im like im going a month so he asked why i was going so long im like im going for u!!! hdbshsb he gave me some hearts and i moved on ndhsbsab

so chani was next up and he looked so shy,,,, im sad bc i forgot to say everything i wanted to say to him at the beginning and i was just like chaniiiiiii and he laughed and signed my album before i went i quickly pushed in a URE MY FAVE DANCER n he highfived me hdhsbs

so youngbin was next and i... lmao... i was weak haha he just read my name hes like hiiiii gia im here being depressed saying HI YOUNGBIN I LOVE U SM thank u sm for everything u do for us and i shit u not my eyes like tearing up oshdbsbs yb asking me how im feeling im like YEA GREAT tears in my eyes oabdbs i rly couldnt speak otherwise id actually have them roll down my face so i just nodded and moved on iabsbs

hwiyoung im so sorry... i was still emo from yb and i even forgot to say happy birthday like pls hit me... hwi cheered for the fanfare album and im like yess hwi i love ur hair here i love the blonde;; hwi thanked me for coming

next up was dawon and jdbsbs i came in saying hi fantasy president so he said yeeee fantasyyyyy and hes an unbothered legend oabbdhssbn he signed quickly and within a minute i was away again jdhdhs

so juho.. my god oshdhshwh hes so:((( pretty let me breathe liek... i came there im like juho i love u oahdhshsh hes just nodding his way going to sign my album and he drawing that heart stickman so im like i have a question can u draw— hes like this is my signature drawing LUCKILY i drew the jucasso next to my name so im like pointing at it being like lmao boy we dont want this heart flop bdhdhsh so he quickly drew it and i said i hope u feel better soon and i was off again,,, rlly dawon and juhos signing went so quick...

so we moved on to the pictures and they were grabbing the chairs and ju was standing all way back at first but then no members went to sit on the chairs oahdhs so JUHO THE MAN WENT FOR THE SEAT NEXT TO THE MIDDLE HDHSHSH and hwi on the other side and jae behind so im blessed like juho... he rlly did it... hdhshsh i quickly go to grab one of my banners bc im like bitch i gotta fucking rep for it now otherwise i wudnt know a pose anyways oahdhshs so i quickly took off my glasses as well

so its my turn im going up and sitting down and like handing this banner to ju and hes like ???? oh???? he quickly reads it n was impressed hdbsb so there was one pic and tae was sitting next to ju and wanted to read what was on the banner so he turned to us but then we had to take another pic so he had to turn back quickly again oahdhshsh and then i had to go again but as i walked away ju was explaining to the members what was on my banner so i :((((

after everyones picture was taken they said goodbye and waved and inseong stayed behind a lil to joke abt drinking beer (i rlly hate him but also me?) and then they left and we got our merch bags n went back downstairs

so i quickly ran over to my bestie to tell her abt it before realizing we had to line up to go inside for the concert so i was like stressed running away i rlly almost lost my first spot LOL but we were let inside the venue i had like 50 bags but i ran to the front and BLESS IT there was like tiny space left at the left side which is were i wanted to be bc juwoon!!!!!! so i rly did get barrier thank god i could put down all my bags as well and the fantasy next to me were great as well!!!!

// i’ll add the concert later as im tired rn and this is already 5k osjbhdbhjas

#sf9 concert #thsi is sooo long wtf #hate this oashjbdbajsd

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sweetpxsin · 7 years ago

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Soulmates AU! [ Han Jisung // Requested ]

Requested: anon

Member:Han Jisung

Plot: Helloo i hope your having a nice day! Is it okay if i request a jisung x reader soulmate! AU?? Thankyouu ☺️

Genre:angst/fluff

Note:so y’all know how Jisungs English name is Peter right? Well your girl just had to incorporate a small allusion to Peter Pan in here because of it *warning slight mention of bullying and depression*

[Masterlist // guidelines // request]

•it was already a known fact that there were several ways that connected soulmates

•and as a child you were born not being able to see an sort of color besides blacks, grays and whites

•and at first your parents had thought it was just a birth defect so they never bothered to bring to much attention to it

•till they had noticed there was no other sign that had connected you to your soulmate

•you had no tattoo, no charm, no timer, no vision of a red string in your very bland looking world or any physiological connection to the person who was your so called soulmate

•you had nothing and so only then did it click to them that their only child was cursed with one of the rarest forms of connection to a soulmate

•in your case your vision would stay dark and grey till you had met your said soulmate

•there was no other indication besides the sudden spark and the flood of colors you would witness

•and the worse part of it all was that your chances of finding him/her were little to none, since all they’d feel was a spark of over welling emotions

•though as if that wasn’t enough for you to handle at such a young age you would often get teased

•for well your lack of being able to see colors and because kids are stupid and teased you about how you’d be “lonely forever” or other stupid things that were out of your hands

•the teasing even dared to follow you into your high school years where it only became worse

•So you could say your world was dark figuratively and visually

•you couldn’t tell whether to hate your soulmate or the system so you settled for both

•though who could blame you for being bitter after all these years

•you were stripped from your ability to see and was bullied over it

•which in turn made you lose all faith in finding hope and happiness

•life had turned just as dull as your vision so who was to stop you from feeling so bitter?

•Perhaps a boy that goes by the name of Han Jisung?

•He was a transfer

•a typical boy the girls would flock to and would fit in nicely with the other boys

•he was just another person you would fall victim to if he was just that type of person

•you couldn’t help but scoff at the thought the day you thought of it

•you never bother to introduce yourself to the boy or even make eye contact with him

•he’d find out about you through the nasty rumors that spread about you someday

•and eventually he did...

•he had found you on the hallway floor bruised and tattered

•He approached you without hesitation and helped you despite your persistent “I’m fines” and “leave me alone”

•You couldn’t bare to look him in the eyes that day, you were to hurt and humiliated to even dare to

•and you barely even managed out a thanks as he helped you clean up in the nurse's office

•after that day you avoid him

•for as long as you could

•thought it seemed he would go to the ends of the worlds to just see you again

•but what for?

•to ask you about what happened that day?

•to what only then tease you about it? Ask you about how you felt with such a handsome guy helping out someone like you?

•So when you were finally face to face with him again you were reluctant

•your eyes lowered like you’ve been trained as your hands fidgeted with the ends of your uniform,waiting for humiliating words to be thrown at you

•”Are..are you okay from that day? Are those girls still bugging you?”

•His words made your world stop for a second

•it was the first time anyone had cared in your lonely years

•”Let’s be friends, so they can’t bug you anymore.”

•you didn’t even have to look at his face to tell he was smiling

•it wasn’t sarcastic or degrading his words were soft, attentive and genuine

•you accepted his offer with reluctance and from that day on you two were announced friends

•Jisung was your polar opposite and always at your side in attempts to bring up your mood and fend off who ever dare tried to hurt you

•He never failed to think of you no matter how busy of a day it was for him

•He had figured out your favorite treats in a heartbeat and recognized the topics that would spark a certain child like innocence in you

•Jisung had turned into your ray of hope

•Your Peter Pan that would take you way from the darkness the world had bestowed upon you

•and likewise you had turned into his everything

•He was always racing out of his final class just to find you so he could hold you, talk to you, see you smile and even hear you laugh

•and even through his toughest days you were there besides him cheering him on when balancing school and trainee life had become too hard

•though if there was one thing that bothered Jisung it was that you never even dared to look him in is eyes

•from the day you had meet to this very day

•he knew it was hard considering you would always get hit from looking others in the eye previously

•but he wanted to see your pretty eyes and how they’d twinkle under the sunlight

•not watch you avoid his gaze like he as someone who was going to hurt you

•and he decided to do it by surprise

•you were sitting with your back leaning against the lunch table the two of you would usually sit at after school

•when Jisung hand come running up to you and kneeled before you catching you off order, forcing you to accidentally make eye contact with him

•and it was as if the world had stopped for the both of you

•color flood your vision as Jisung took in the moment to appreciate your eyes

•but he was soon snapped back into realty as tears began to pour down your face

•”(y-y/n)!”

•before even thinking about it he’d pull you into a tight hug suddenly fully aware of how selfish his actions were as the weight of guilt pressed on his shoulders

•”I-I’m so sorry don’t know what I was thinking I-“

•”shut up idiot I’m not crying because of that.”

•ignoring your harsher choice of words he pulled away from the embrace he had you in and looked you in your eyes

•”W-What do you mea-“

•and his the overwhelming feeling of affection hit him like a ton of bricks

•Jisung couldn’t help but smile tearing up a little himself while looking at you

•he didn’t know why but he felt so proud and happy for you

•You had one through so much just to find your true loved one

•and once again he pulled you back into his tight embrace

•”I’m so sorry (y/n) I should have found you sooner, you wouldn’t have gone thru so much pain...and if I think of it I’m glad there was a reason as to why i was attracted to you when we first met.”

•He could hear you giggle into his shirt and he could help it smiled more before pulling way to admire your face

•”Your so adorable.”

•”Are you crying Hannie?”

•”I’m just so happy your able to see colors now and no longer can be hurt because of it.”

•a comfortable silence stayed between you two as you admire the other with only love and admiration for the other till Jisung broke the silence

•”Can… Can I kiss you?”

•he didn’t miss the spark of mischievous in your eyes as you got onto your tippy toes and kissed him first allowing him to giggle slightly before kissing you back

•his hands wrapping around your smaller form

•”I know this is super early and all but I really do love you cutie.”

•”I love you to Peter Pan.”

•”Anything for you Wendy~.”

*okay so here’s the reasoning for me in cooperating peterman into this

Firstly it’s not just because Jisung’s English name is Peter though I will admit it was the influencing reason. But as you had read the reader (aka you) who is trapped into a downward spiral of never ending misery couldn’t seem to find hope. And I don’t know about you but while I was growing up I always interpreted Peter Pan as a sign of hope and light of childish innocence and ignorance that brought happiness. Which I thought fitted Jisung’s personality to an extent. And Jisung was the light, that flood of color and beauty to the Reader. Yall get my flow?(idk why I had to explain myself I just thought the idea was pretty)

Originally the sorry would have not had Peter Pan if it wasn’t for that reasoning. So yes I did incorporate Peter Pan our on a whim but never the else I hoped you liked it!

#han jisung imagine #han jisung scenarios #han jisung #stray kids han jisung #stray kids imagines #stray kids scenarios #stray kids han #kpop #kpop imagines #kpop scenarios #kpop fluff #stray kids fluff #stray kids x reader #han jisung x reader #jisung x reader

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xocontinentaldrift · 2 years ago

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monthly report: january 2023

Wowza, I can't believe a month has already flown by. After a rough start of my kiddo getting stomach fly on New Year's Day, I spent most of the month just catching my breath and easing into the new year. It was a good call not to put too much pressure on myself.

Ironically, it was a productive month anyway, with lots of happy-making moments and accomplishments:

Revised about 1/3 of my novel

Took a lot of outdoor open air walks despite the snow and cold

Started to go out for dinner every Friday night with the family

Decluttered a lot of papers and some books

Mastered making falafel in our Instant Pot air fryer

Talked with my best friend on the phone a few times

Spent more time with my parents with my kiddo

Did a little more strength training in the mornings, experimenting with doing pushups everyday (because a few times a week makes it hard to track, it's easier for me just to do them everyday)

Bonded with our new kitty and she seems happy and well-adjusted in our home, and she is so snuggly!

Began getting to bed at a reasonable hour (before midnight is a huge accomplishment for me.)

Participated in some fashion challenges via my favorite fashion forum on Reddit

Read a lot of books

Began planning the little guy's birthday party next week, which is NOT a fun task for me, but I booked the location, put down a deposit, sent out invites, managed the RSVPs. Next up: figuring out food, transport/pickup logistics, ordering the cake, sending out reminders

Bought a nice lounge bed roll from Natural Life that makes my home so much more cheerful, funky and comfy

Paid all my bills!

Trucking along in my Duolingo French course -- I'm determined to finish the Intermediate 1 course by mid-year

However, the month had its difficulties and sticking points:

Some instances of mindless spending

Yelling a few times at my kiddo, especially when I was burned out at the beginning of the month coming off the busy holiday season

Conflict with partner over who does what in terms of house/life shit. The problem is that I feel all the work I do is never seen as the work that it is, it's just written off as "easy" and inconsequential.

Thought it got better at the end, my sleeping patterns were off, and I've begun waking up in the middle of the night. (Thanks, perimenopause!) Gotta figure something out because it really does bite into quality of life.

BORED AT WORK. Can't figure out if the responsibilities, the need for a new direction, or just the drab isolation of working from home in the middle of winter.

Inconsistent exercise when it's sub-zero temps. I mean, part of me thinks I can give myself some slack on this, but it does affect my overall sense of well-being

Having moments of feeling super, super depressed right before my period. It's not even just sad -- it's like my brain just can't feel good in any way, and I feel really despondent and hopeless in a way that doesn't feel right. Sometimes I wonder if I have PMDD. Something to think upon, I guess.

Just that general feeling of being in a hamster wheel, running furiously but with no real movement forward. Spinning my wheels. File it under "existential mid-life malaise."

So that's my roundup of January 2023. Not a bad month, I must say. I'm really looking forward to February 2023's goals and resolutions:

Keep revising my novel! I'm really making a lot of headway at the moment, maybe because I've hit a decent patch of storytelling

Getting ready for my writers group to start up again

Planning my kiddo's birthday party, it's gonna be a banger, lol

An old friend will be in town from London, so I'm looking forward to seeing her

Talking regularly on the phone with my best friend from college

More Friday night dinners as a family

Making myself get dressed in real clothes instead of being in sweats all day -- too easy to do in the winter, for sure!

Focusing my reading on books on relationships, parenting, love and marriage, and also incorporating more fiction

Cleaning out my closet once again and sending a box of clothes to ThredUp

Getting a shoe storage cabinet for my dining room

Getting to bed before midnight most nights -- ideally asleep by 11:30pm, but let's be realistic that this might not always happen

Cleaning out toiletries and makeup bag

Wearing perfume everyday -- I have a lot of scents that I need to use and use up and use out

Making an appointment to meet with a new OB-Gyn -- might delay this till March

Taking walks outside as much as I can

Going out to work at a cafe or some place like that at least once a week

Trying out 2-3 new recipes this month as a challenge. I don't care too much about being the ideal housewife, but for my own sake, I need to try some new recipes

Start re-creating an official website/social media professional presence again...which means paying off Dreamhost, ugh.

Maybe look into estimates for redoing kitchen floor

Start planning outdoor landscaping miniprojects, like planting new boxwoods on my side garden beds

Ok, that's getting a little too ambitious; I'll revise this as needed. Here's to a lovely February full of peace, inspiration, liberation and the divine feminine!

#dailylife #inner life

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dzpenumbra · 3 years ago

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9/18/22

I got pretty cranky today. I've been off pretty much all day, just kinda going through the motions. I ended up making a pizza and eating a ton for dinner. That turned into basically 3 hours of eating. I eventually said fuck it around 11 and started streaming.

I tried Minecraft tonight. You know, the place I've been paying $15 a month for so my zero friends can play with me? Well, I decided that playing alone on a private modded minecraft server was a little bit too sad to do alone, so I might as well stream it. The teenager kid showed up, like immediately after I went live. Like within 2 minutes of the stream starting.

He started talking about how he joined a different streamer's server, and how it was weird because he was the only non-streamer there. It was insanely awkward. Like... you're in my chat, talking to me about how you applied to join a different streamer's server. He's been leeching in my chat for like... at least a year, probably more at this point. I've been talking about my server for at least 2 weeks now. Not that I really want him on my server, but god, it just doesn't really make me look great talking about how you'd prefer to be on someone else's server than the one you are literally watching a stream of.

I tried to push past it. After a bit, he went silent. I assume he fell asleep. Probably around 12:00-12:30. Then a new chatter came in, started talking. After a bit of back and forth, they said they were 12. I just... explained very firmly that this was an 18+ chat and that Twitch itself is 13+, so... banned. Finally banning people, better for it.

It got under my skin. I went quiet and moody for the rest of the stream until I finally just called it. I didn't even want to play Minecraft after, I didn't even really want to stream Minecraft again after that.

It just depressed the fuck out of me. I'm still holding the weight of it. It's just like... how did shit get so bad? How did I get so low that literally no one from my past gives half a shit if I'm dead in a gutter somewhere, while I'm regularly publicly broadcasting. I used to be on TV. I used to be on radio. Meh, maybe they didn't even give a shit back then either. The more I think about it, I don't know. Maybe I've just always been supported by self-absorbed non-supportive people. People who call themselves "friends" or "supporters" but won't even go to your piano recitals. Who won't even go to your concerts and cheer you on. Who go and drink at the nice bar up the street rather than the one you work at, or own.

So I'm just... I'm really frustrated and depressed. It hit me really hard. And I'm just getting really sick of putting on a strong face and not talking about how shitty this is. It's been years. I remember insanely sad times during the pandemic when I was recording episodes of my Rimworld series for YouTube and streaming to literally no one. The level of depression narrating a livestream when there's no one watching, just praying someone watches a VoD... Recording for YouTube helped, because then I could just convince myself I was recording for that audience. It makes me wonder why I bother. It feels insanely hopeless and powerless.

Like... think of it this way. Why would you go haul your amp and set up on stage to play a concert that you know for a fact no one is coming to? And you're relying on tips for that gig, let's not forget that. Maybe a more relatable analogy for a wider audience. You're a bartender or waitress - in this analogy, you don't get paid hourly, you rely entirely on tips. Someone asks you to cover a shift where you know for a fact it is Super Bowl Sunday and your restaurant/bar does not have a TV, you know that the chances of you getting paid or even attempting to do your job would be like... 5%. How the fuck do you get yourself to cover that shift?

I don't give a fuck about "you play video games, don't complain". Bro, you don't have to babysit teenagers. You don't have to kiss peoples' asses for 20 fucking bits, for literal pennies. "Oh thank you sooooo much for the sub!!!! You're so generous!!!!" That motherfucker just spent $5 for a monthly subscription, I only see like half of that. That motherfucker just spent like 4 times that much on their dinner, at least. And I'm suckin your dick for that $5? Plaster your name all over my screen so you feel reeeeeal special? Fuck that.

I'm just really fed up, clearly. The years have taken their toll. My social circle is simply... empty. I don't really know how to remedy it in the immediate.

When I move, I'm gonna try to get out there more and meet people in person. I guess. I still don't know what to think with Covid and all, but no one even talks about it. In fact, no one really ever talked about it with me, which is actually really shitty. I went through the entire pandemic and people really didn't even ask me how bad it hit me, being someone who lives alone with no friends. Now I can't even talk about how to adjust back to something that I didn't even have pre-pandemic, especially if I still have concerns about getting sick. I mean, up there I'll be pretty close to my older brother whose wife is a doctor, so I guess that's safer than here, to be fair.

I don't know, I'm just so unfamiliar with socializing. I've just gotten a chain of shitty shitty social interactions and social traumas consistently over the last 5 years. It just keeps wearing on me. I'm trying so hard to keep my faith in humanity alive, but goddamn are you motherfuckers really dead-set on making me give up! At least the ones that interacted with me.

I need good people, and I just don't know how to find them. And I'm afraid, with how little I have left to spare, of what the next parasite is going to do to me.

Geez, I just glanced up the post a bit to see some pretty nasty language. I'm pretty angry, I guess. It's clearly depression, but yeah, I'm pretty angry. I hate being stuck. I hate being powerlessly stuck, let me clarify. I don't mind if I'm stuck of my own doing. I can't get the portrait to come out right because I didn't practice muscle structure enough. Okay. I'll go practice that. Done deal. It sucks that's where I'm at but at least I have a plan. BUT. If I'm stuck because my "friends" are too fucking busy, or just don't give a shit about what I do? What steps do I take to remedy that? How do I go about it? Someone, please, this might seem like a dumb or rhetorical question to you, but I really need to figure out the answer to this. I seriously can only think of Bumble or something.

This is what people use social media for, I'm assuming? Do people meet new friends on social media? Like... I just don't know. Here's what my thought process is. If I go to the skatepark, I'm gonna meet teenagers from the local highschool, maybe a few local early-20's people, more rarely a few in their late 20s. The ones in their 30s would have to be there when they get free time off work and not with their kids. Late 30's would be even rarer. And I'm looking for people in their late 30's. I don't do bars. I'm not on Facebook. I'm not on Twitter.

Discord? Is that the key? Find a Discord that I mesh with and socialize regularly? Get to know the regulars? Become a regular? Maybe that's the answer. Maybe I need to get off of Reddit and find a Discord I mesh with. Well... maybe I need to fuse the two, even. Maybe I need to stop just browsing Reddit and responding to spiritual self-help posts on an anon account. Maybe I need to get back on my original like 11+ year old account that still has all my super personal posts from r/ptsd and shit. The one where I made a pledge to myself to wear my scars like badges of honor and never delete a post. Maybe I need to start that up again.

On the other hand, every time I'm on social media, I feel dirty. I read so much shit that's just insanely negative and anti-social and often violent and aggressive. It's become so normalized. Like I read this post the other day, this person left a note warning a neighbor that their 4 year old kid was not reacting well to their move at all and was like throwing shit and freaking out pretty regularly. They left the note to warn their neighbors of that, asking them to move the car if they didn't want it damaged. I don't know if they really could have worded that differently, they really shouldn't have to either. That made perfect sense to me, moving is super traumatic, especially for a kid. And no one seems to think it is... for some reason... it's really weird. It's like one of the biggest impact things you can go through, relocation is really big. They're clearly struggling, they're clearly articulating the problem and trying to look out for their neighbors, give them a heads up that something might slip through the cracks since they're not perfect and they're dealing with an impossible situation. The comment section was just lit up with what I picture as a caricature of some aristocratic elite overweight curly mustached boar laying with his feet up, twirling his moustache and going "Hmmm yes, what horrific parents, how dare they tell you where to park! How can they not control their child. You better make sure you sue them for damages if there's one scratch on that vehicle!" I saw dozens of replies like this, like... I just kept scrolling, it was all the same. Until one that was an actual parent who had gone through similar shit. They got my upvote.

That kind of stuff, which I'm seeing every time I go on social media. It pollutes my head, my thinking. I feel more and more alien when I'm surrounded by it, like the way I process these situations is wrong. It goes against the herd. It's not just... different. Or even... evolved. It's rebellion. It's defiance against the correctness of conformity. What I am experiencing there, is peer pressure. The peer pressure of hundreds of people at once. Not just the cool kid in school handing you a cigarette and saying "you wanna be cool, too?" Not the cool group of 4 kids bullying a nerdy kid, then looking at you to deliver the killing blow to their ego in order to become accepted in the group. Nope. The passive peer pressure of over 100 people, just repeating sentiments they've heard their whole life, from people who also repeated sentiments they'd heard their whole life, none of them stopping to think about the textbook definitions of the words they're using, or to question whether this is the best course of action, if there's any way it could be improved upon. It's all peer pressure, isn't it? BLM was the straw that got me off Twitter. It was pure political peer pressure. If you don't change your profile picture to black, you were automatically categorized as an enemy. I could just blow through this, because I simply just do not want to get involved with political movements with this much fucking shit going on in my life. But where I drew the line was people flooding twitter with videos of people bleeding out on sidewalks after being shot. Like, actual videos of people dying every day. And I'm just going on there to announce YouTube video releases, announce I'm going live on Twitch and maybe try to meet people if I can. I jumped ship, I had to, it was like infiltrating my dreams and shit.

So yeah. Maybe Discord, maybe personal Reddit. I'm gonna try the skatepark, but honestly I'll be more likely to go if I'm going there to practice a certain trick or something. Not if I'm going to meet people. So I'm gonna call it a bonus for the skatepark, and try to focus social connection opportunities elsewhere. We'll see how it goes. And if I even remember I wrote this in the morning.

I'm utterly exhausted. I guess a perk of severe depression when you're an ADD insomniac. Here's to a better day tomorrow. Much love.

#diary #journal #stream of thoughts #spilled thoughts #online journal #stream of consciousness

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pepperoniwhirlwind · 7 years ago

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~Honesty Hour~

I was asked by @lovelynhiddenkittens to do all 150 questions in the Honesty Hour tag! 😮 Thank you, lovely and curious stranger~! 😆 But since that’s a lot for one post, I’ll break it up into chunks of 50 questions so it’s easier for all my blogging buddies to digest. 😊 Starting... now! 😝

1. Who was the last person you held hands with? That would have to be Alex. He was warming my hand for me because it was ice cold. Though he doesn’t know that’s because I intentionally held my super cold drink for a really long time with that hand, then casually mentioned how cold my hand was so he’d try to warm it... >//> Introverts are sneaky flirts, what can I say? 😆😏

2. Are you outgoing or shy? Shy, definitely. Though there are alters in the system much more outgoing than me.

3. Who are you looking forward to seeing? Tyler! 😄 I’ve been staying over at her apartment every weekend this past summer, and always enjoy our movie and gaming marathons. 😝

4. Are you easy to get along with? I think so. I’m not very easily angered, a pacifist at heart, and a people-pleaser at my core. 😂 So it’s pretty hard not to get along with me.

5. If you were drunk would the person you like take care of you?

I don’t know, Alex is a sweetheart so he’d probably help, and Tyler cares but she doesn’t do bodily fluids. 😆 So, it depends. And considering I’ve never been drunk, and seem to have too high a tolerance to get drunk without having to rob a bank to fund the sheer volume of alcohol needed, I doubt this problem will ever arise. 👌

6. What kind of people are you attracted to?

Kind and funny people. 😊

7. Do you think you’ll be in a relationship two months from now?

I have no idea, but I won’t rule it out. Alex has kinda been cute and flirty towards me lately, so maaaybe~? >//>

8. Who from the opposite gender is on your mind?

Uh, well, the subject of the last question was Alex, so, him. 😆

9. Does talking about sex make you uncomfortable?

A wee bit, yes. 😅 I put up a good facade though, but being asexual, sex is kinda... bleeehhh~ for me. e~e

10. Who was the last person you had a deep conversation with?

That would have to be Tyler. :3 She’s my bestie from my ASL classes~ 💜 We have a looot in common, so we talk for hours at a time, in between movie and game marathons that is. 😆

11. What does the most recent text that you sent say?

Context: I was spamming Tyler gifs of adorable animals earlier today.

The Text: “Aaand now I gotta get ready for therapy, so this shall be the crowning gif of adorable goodness!”

Followed by a gif of two golden retrievers fighting over a tennis ball, with a third retriever (being shoved into the frame by a fourth, offscreen, retriever) resting his head on the two dogs feuding over the aforementioned tennis ball. 💖

12. What are your 5 favorite songs right now?

This is rather hard... so I’ll just list the songs that I listen to on repeat a lot.

1. “The Cure” by Lady Gaga

2. “Insomnia” by IAMX

3. “Middle of the Bed” by Lucy Rose

4. “All the Rage” by Allie X

5. “Wires” by The Neighbourhood

13. Do you like it when people play with your hair?

Yes. No. Kinda? It depends... If I’ve just had a shower and my hair is clean, I love it. ^w^ But if it’s been a bit and my hair isn’t all that clean I just feel embarrassed if people touch my hair. e~e

14. Do you believe in luck and miracles?

Ehhh... Depends which alter you ask really. Me, personally? Not so much. My family has always told me our family line is cursed to have bad luck, so if I believed in such things, I guess I’m doomed. 😂

15. What good thing happened this summer?

I’ve started working on myself and my social life, strengthening friendships irl and online, or, at least attempting to. 😅 Sometimes I’m just bad at not isolating. But this past summer I’ve been spending basically every weekend at my friend Tyler’s apartment and hanging out with her core group of friends. It’s been a nice break from the chaos of the school semester. 😊

16. Would you kiss the last person you kissed again?

Well, considering she’s on the other side of the country back in my home state, probably not. She was a lovely first kiss, but I’ll leave it at that. 🤭

17. Do you think there is life on other planets?

With how many planets there are in the galaxy; the universe? Not to mention how many planets within The Goldilocks Zone that share a similar atmosphere to earth within the observable universe alone... How could I not think other life exists? At the very least, in some kind of bacterial form, though, I dare to dream a little bigger. ✨

18. Do you still talk to your first crush?

Well, I’ve never really had a crush, per se, though plenty of squishes. :3 But my first squish did not turn out well, so, no. :c

19. Do you like bubble baths?

Yes, especially if I go all out and light candles and play music on my phone. 🕯️🎶😌 However, I don’t do that very often. I take showers mostly.

20. Do you like your neighbors?

Yeah, they’re chill people. The neighbors with the overly-territorial pitbull that kept us prisoner in our car for hours and broke into our fenced-in backyard to take massive doggie dumps out of sheer hatred for us moved away because their dog kept terrorizing the neighbourhood and was going to get put down if it didn’t stop breaking out to chase children on trikes and joggers onto rooftops. So, the neighbors we have now are awesome! 😆

21. What are your bad habits?

Sometimes I’m too honest and don’t know when to stop talking, other times I’m so socially anxious I might as well be a feature of the wall at parties. 😂 I also have trichotillomania, a compulsive disorder related to OCD, in which I get really strong urges to pull out my hair sometimes, so definitely a bad habit... Just talking about it kinda... ehhhh... moving on. e~e

22. Where would you like to travel?

A lot of places. Though Scotland is at the top of my list. Scotland is a huge part of my family’s heritage, and some of my family still lives there. So I would love to visit and spend some time in nature there~ 💕

23. Do you have trust issues?

Yes.

24. Favorite part of your daily routine?

Well, anytime I get to de-stress is nice. I know wiping down my face with a face wipe always feels nice and refreshing after a day out running errands and attending classes. It’s the little things that are the most help~ 😊

25. What part of your body are you most uncomfortable with?

All of it. If I could edit my body, that would be nice.

26. What do you do when you wake up?

Hit snooze on the alarm a couple times, get up, walk to the bathroom... you can imagine the rest.

27. Do you wish your skin was lighter or darker?

Nope, I’m quite happy with my vampire pale skin, and even my dirty blonde, curly lion’s mane of hair, and my blue eyes ain’t so bad either. I’m not completely hideous, just 97% hideous. 👌😂

28. Who are you most comfortable around?

Myself. My alters. Tyler. Alex. My Tumblr fam~ 💞

29. Have any of your ex’s told you they regret breaking up?

No, because I usually cut them out of my life after they break my heart. Some have tried to stay friends with me or become friends with me again years later, but... no. I don’t need backstabbers in my life.

30. Do you ever want to get married?

Maybe, someday. When the time is right, I’ll know, until then, I’ll enjoy my singledom~ :3

31. Is your hair long enough for a ponytail?

Yes, it’s in a ponytail right now actually. 😆

32. Which celebrities would you have a threesome with?

NONE.

33. Spell your name with your chin.

gtlo nhy (Oh gawd... What a name. 😂)

34. Do you play sports? What sports?

Mi-Suk used to play on tennis and basketball teams, but our spine is a little too deteriorated nowadays to attempt such things.

35. Would you rather live without TV or music?

Without TV, hands down. I’d die without music. I bleed music.

36. Have you ever liked someone and never told them?

Yep. I had a bit of a squish on this kid named Travis in elementary school and never told him. My frenemy told him I had a crush on him, and he never talked to me after that. 😭

37. What do you say during awkward silences?

I either make a joke or just enjoy the silence. Depends what mood I’m in. Sometimes I’m more introverted and just want to sit in silence or listen to music instead of talk. Other times I just wanna connect with people and I tend to crack a lot of darker, self-deprecating jokes as a way to break the ice, or tension if I feel some.

38. Describe your dream girl/guy?

I want someone who is genuinely kind, patient, and funny. It also helps if they are neurodivergent like me, and have similar enough interests, sense of humor, etc. to my own. c: Overall, I just want to feel comfortable and safe with someone. 😊

39. What are your favorite stores to shop in?

I buy food at Fry’s... so... Fry’s?

40. What do you want to do after high school?

I’m already out of high school, bub. Now I’m in college, and I still have no idea. I have dream jobs, dream homes, dream lives. But none of them seem realistic.

41. Do you believe everyone deserves a second chance?

Depends on the crime, really. If I hired someone to babysit my hypothetical children, and they forgot to tell the children to clean up their toys, I believe a second chance is in order. If they, however, ditched the job to mack on Paul Puffy Lips next door, leaving my children to starve, I don’t believe I’ll be giving them another call.

42. If you’re being extremely quiet what does it mean?

It means I’m probably really socially anxious at the moment and would prefer to not be made the center of attention. o~o’

43. Do you smile at strangers?

Yes, sometimes to spread cheer and joy, other times because I’m worried they’ll think I’m an up-to-no-good deviant or zombified by depression, which is how I feel at least 80% of the time, and worry everyone notices, even strangers, who probably would not assume such things, but that’s social anxiety for you. 😂

44. A trip to outer space or the bottom of the ocean?

Why not both? However, humans are so preoccupied with space that we’ve only explored 5% of our oceans. I don’t want the oceans to feel lonely, so I’ll visit them first. 💙

45. What makes you get out of bed in the morning?

Sometimes the looming responsibilities in my life, other times I just don’t get out of bed.

46. What are you paranoid about?

A lot of things, but the most pressing concern of mine is that everyone will inevitably leave me because I’m a terrible, horrible human being who doesn’t deserve friendship. 😅

47. Have you ever been high?

Every day, if I can help it. I have a medical marijuana card and have for a couple years now.

48. Have you ever been drunk?

No.

49. Have you done anything recently that you hope nobody finds out about?

No, not really. Nothing is coming to mind.

50. What was the color of the last hoodie you wore?

Well, I’m wearing a hoodie now, and it’s gray, with the Nirvana emblem on the front. 😝 It’s my favorite and coziest hoodie of all.

#honesty hour #asks #tony

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contradictoryenigmas · 5 years ago

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2019 Postmortem: 10 Questions

2019 is coming to a close and it’s time to look back via ten questions. If you’re new to this series, I recommend checking out the ones I did in 2017 and 2018. While 2019 had its ups and downs, this was the first year where I can say it worked out quite well.

What made up your body of work this year? Which parts are you most proud of?

Most of the work that made up this year was with my new day job as a car specifications researcher. You may think that researching car specs would be easy, but I wasn’t fully prepared for how in-depth it would go. For example, I have to look up both the liters and cc’s of an engine to input into the system. Nevertheless, a lot of knowledge I had from writing reviews and previews has come in handy when trying to decipher what a company names a certain piece of tech or figuring out where to find that one piece of information.

As for my writing, I haven’t done much. Towards the end of last year and beginning of this year, I was feeling less enthusiastic about writing anything - feeling like I was phoning it in to get something up. When I started my new job back in mid-February, I took a break to try and give my brain a break from it. I have slowly dipped my toes back in it during the spring and summer, but started to do more towards the end of the year - a combination of writing for an internal news service my company offers and finishing a backlog of reviews. Writing is still a bit of struggle as my creative side of the brain is still running on fumes and I only get about a quarter to half-way on a piece before setting it aside, most likely not coming back to it.

There were a couple of pieces that did make their way out over the year and I’m quite proud of them.

Afterthoughts: The Sad Trombone of the 2019 Detroit Auto Show (Cheers & Gears): Some passing thoughts on what would be the final Detroit Auto Show held in January. It would be memorable for all of the wrong reasons and made me wonder what the future will hold as the show moves to the summer for 2020.

Three Years On, A Brain Dump (Contradictory Enigmas): Looking back at three years of this site, what has come, and what I had hoped to do in the coming year - sadly none of those items came to fruition.

What were your top 5 moments of the year?

Finally achieving a major goal of getting a job

Turing 30 years old

Beginning to make some progress on other major goals

Reducing my hermit tendencies and going to a small number of events

Continue working on giving me more space to relax

What are you really glad is over?

Uncertainty reared its ugly head again throughout the year. It ranged from whether I was the right person for the new job I had accepted to worrying about whether or not I would have enough money to cover unexpected expenses. Luckily, I remembered that if I took it slow and worked it out - whether through thought or writing it down - the uncertainty would begin to wither away.

How are you different today than you were 365 days ago?

The most difficult part of this year is trying not to feel like I need to constantly work. Being a full-time freelance writer for the past seven years left me with a routine of constantly being busy to try and keep myself afloat. Drew Magary on Vice sums it up quite well.

When you freelance, you know that every job is temporary. You might get paid well, but you can’t assume that will always be the case. I remember being pathologically incapable of turning down work when I freelanced. Every assignment I didn’t do was money lost. I felt as if I already HAD the money and was giving it away by not doing the work.

That meant I gleefully accepted multiple gigs at once, and on weekends, and over holidays. I can’t speak for other freelancers out there, but a kind of PTSD sets in if you do this long enough, where you always fear the faucet will be shut off with a cursory email from a temp boss or, worse, no emails of any sort. There’s such a short distance between “I freelance” and “I’m unemployed” that the two statements often feel indistinguishable.

Emphasis mine.

This feeling still resides in my head and constantly tells me that I should be doing some sort of work, even though I know that giving myself some breathing space is good. This wasn’t helped by my growing amount of work throughout the year as new hires that were brought in around the same time as me either decided to go with another career or were let go. Getting some of their workloads on top of mine meant the feeling of “when will I find the time” started to creep in. Only setting some ground rules did this alleviate this feeling somewhat. I’m hoping this feeling goes away as time goes on.

I mentioned last year that I was re-diagnosed with Attention Deficit Hyperactivity Disorder (ADHD). At the time, I was seeing a psychiatrist and was on medication to help me control some of the various issues I’ve been dealing with. But a combination of the new job, not having the time to make the hour-long trek to see the psychiatrist, and the expensive cost of the medication meant I had to put a stop to this for the time being. This has meant a return of the various symptoms (being able to focus on one task, having my mind wander, forgetting various things, etc). It has also meant that it is hard for me to relax with anything for a few moments because it doesn’t provide my brain enough stimuli to keep me occupied. Oddly, doing work of some sort seems to provide stimuli. But it comes at the cost of me not being to relax.

Pic Credit: Pina ADHD_Alien

On the plus side, starting this new job has brought something that I wanted for some time - separate spaces. What I mean by this is having one space for my work (the office) and then another to relax (the house). Previously, I would be working on stuff in the same room where I would sleep, causing all sorts of anxiety and feelings that I should be working on. Having that separation allows me some breathing space, despite that being somewhat difficult.

It’s also nice having a steady income and not one that is a roller coaster of sorts. Various amounts of money coming in at different times gave me a lot of stress. Moving to something that follows a regular pattern not only gives me a bit of breathing room for anything unexpected but also allows me to plan out new ideas and trips,

To cap off this section, I’m glad that I’m still involved in covering the automotive industry. I have dialed it back by a large amount, but I think this may be for the better as it means I can take more time and produce higher-quality pieces.

Is there anything you achieved that you forgot to celebrate?

Nothing that I can think of.

What have you changed your perspective on this year?

Talking about my mental health in public. I’ve been slowly talking about how I have both ADHD and clinical depression on various forums after seeing a number for friends and people who admire talk about it. I’m still in a grey area of how much I should reveal and whether it is worth it. I can see there is a lot of good as you see other people come out of the woodwork and reveal some of the issues they’re dealing with. But some don’t believe mental illness is a thing or will go out of their way to make it worse. This is a balancing act that I’m trying to figure out.

Who are the people that really came through for you this year?

A lot of the people that I work with at my job. Whether it be the various supervisors that would take time to answer a question I’m sure they have been asked countless times, to the other researchers who I might help with a quick issue or chit-chat about whatever, they have all played a part in making me feel welcomed.

What were some pieces of media that defined your year?

The Heavy, Sons: It has been a long time coming for the group’s latest album and it is very much worth it. All of the traits that I like about their previous albums such as the gritty sound and soulful lyrics are present. Heavy for You, their first single off this album has been on constant repeat.

youtube

Choom, Progger: I can’t explain why this dark jazz-funk-rock hybrid song just clicked with me. Maybe its how all of the instruments are arranged to provide a dark mood in one part, and then rise with something lighter later on. All I know is this song helped out in some bleak times during this year.

youtube

Nintendo Switch: An early Christmas gift to myself, I’m surprised at how much I have been playing. It is cool to play something on the TV and then undock it to continue playing while on the move. This has captured the magic and fun that I had been missing on playing video games throughout the year. So far, I have beaten Super Mario Odyssey and will be checking out Legend of Zelda: Link’s Awakening.

What will you be leaving behind in 2019?

The feelings of not being able to fully plan out stuff. Since starting the new job, I have been able to make slightly more concrete plans to ideas or items that I want to do soon. Some of these have come fruition, while others are still in the planning stages. This may not seem like a big accomplishment, but considering that the past few years where it mostly treading water and putting off various items because of one thing or another, it is a huge weight off my back.

What do you hope to accomplish in 2020?

There are two items that I want to work on writing and photography. I’ve been feeling either drained or hit a wall in terms of knowledge and want to expand it more.

For my writing, I want to try and recapture some of the fun and creativeness that I had when I first started many moons ago. I have some books including The Writer’s Way that has been recommended by a few people to help rekindle this. I’m also wanting to do other writings such as doing some history pieces, and more stuff on this blog. But of course, trying to find the time to do this will be one of the challenges.

As for the photography, I’m planning on doing some sort of online course and some reading to help me understand basic photography ideas, along with exploring various settings on my DSLR. I tend to shoot mostly in Auto without the flash and while it does deliver decent photos, I know that it is capable of more. I’m also wanting a new camera, a prosumer point-and-shoot to expand the possibility of taking more photos.

There are some long-term goals sprinkled in here such as working towards moving out of my parent’s house into my place. I have started saving up a fair amount of cash to cover a security deposit and a month’s rent, but I’m trying to aim for at least two to three months of rent to give a bit of a cushion. Also taking some sort of vacation is in the cards. Not sure where I want to go, but I do know it will be out of state.

That’s a wrap for this year’s postmortem. 2019 wasn’t a complete mess and hoping 2020 continues that trend.

#look back #2019 #2020 #postmortem #10 questions

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incendavery · 8 years ago

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gosh, thank you! that is so sweet??? I hope you (and any other of my followers who celebrate!) have/had a very happy Eid!💖 💕

on another note, I’ve finally gotten around to cleaning out my askbox! under the cut is almost every ask I’ve gotten that i haven’t answered in the past.... I’m not sure. it’s been a WHILE though.

as a warning, there’s all sorts of stuff, and it’s all untagged! also also, if you sent one of these asks and want me to remove it, just let me know!

yes!! @fuckaspunk IS super sweet and talented and i AM very lucky to have them! and I’ve heard from reliable sources that the feeling is mutual~~💕

i’m glad my comics make you feel less alone; that’s a rough situation you’re in. i really hope you find yourself in a better environment soon!

thank you!!!💕

thank you for understanding! and yes, aidan is a huge help to me??? even when they’re not answering asks, they’re always supporting me in some way, whether that’s making sure I’ve eaten enough, or talking me through my anxiety, or all the other ways they’re there for me every single day💕💕

ok, my tips are!!:

draw as much as possible! even if it’s just lines and shapes with no meaning, you’re still developing your hand/eye skills

BUT: dont draw if you’re not feeling it! if you’re feeling fried, it’s better to take a break. go on a walk to somewhere scenic, read your favorite book, listen to some new music, hang out with friends, or just take a nap! rest up and find some inspiration! you can come back to your sketchbook when you feel energized again

draw stuff that you like! you’ll improve way faster if you’re passionate about what you’re doing

look at art you like with a critical eye. try to examine the different components and figure out what you think works or doesn’t work. try incorporation those components into your own work

read a lot of tutorials and other resources, but take what they say with a grain of salt

ultimately, remember that the only real rule to drawing is that doing it should make you happy

good luck!! i do my best not to pick, but it’s a real struggle; i have lots of scars from it too. ;v; im cheering for you!!!

ALWAYS!!!! if you do, please show me!! my notifications get real busy, but anyone is welcome to IM me any time!

thank you! i actually get very worried about my style; i tend to admire artists with complex linework and delicate shading, so i often feel my style is far to simple! so thank you!!

that is really high praise????? gosh??!?!?!? best of luck with the next three years; i hope you grow to be someone you like even better than me!

thank you!!

peanut time is the best!! i haven’t gotten to do a proper one in a while though ;-; i’ve mostly been feeding the crows on my way back home from night shifts, when i give them the reject eggs from the continental breakfast.

wow, neat!! chickens are so wonderful; i cont wait until i can have some of my own :>

dont be nervous! i know i can be hard to get ahold of over the internet (bc i get overwhelmed easily) and hard to talk with irl (bc i get so nervous and interacting w ppl doesn’t come naturally to me AT ALL) but honestly i?? love making new friends??!

thank you!!? im thankful every day that someone as radient as aidan is in my life for the long haul

thank you!!!!!!!💕

i completely feel that? its ok to hit rough patches! just do your best!!

i dont remember what i felt bad about but THANK YOU💕💕

honestly its done me worlds of good to share my art?? hearing people talk about how they go through all the same shit i do makes me feel so much less alone, especially on the toughest days! so i guess thank you, and thank you?

youre welcome!!!! :>

huh!! i dont know much about shoegaze (other than thinking abt that post abt the guy who pronounced it like fugazi I THINK ABT THAT EVERY TIME) but thats real neat!! im glad youve found something that works for you!!

hey, neat middle name! and youre very welcome; i hope things have been looking up for you since you sent this?💕

i dont remember when this was from but im currently doing really well with my meds!! i switched to a combination of lexapro in the morning and benadryl in the evening, and its been working super well!✨

thank you??!! ;o; i would love to see all your favorite birds!!

hey, right back atcha!!!

ty!!!

hey. thank YOU

you’re absolutely not bothering me! thank you so much!!

!!!!!!!!!!

hey, nice! im glad you like both me and my music!

gosh thanks?!?!

she is the most beautiful and handsome!!!!!!!!!!!! i love her! thank you from both of us!!!!

aw, gosh! im sure i like you too!!

this was from.... A WHILE AGO.... but youre welcome?? i just wish i could have done more

hey, thank you so much!!!!!

thank YOU and a very very belated merry christmas!!!

that does make sense!! reconciling friendships and crushes is tricky business. the best i can say to you is to be as honest and open with each other as you can

i dont personally get those, but ive heard of people experiencing them as a sideeffect when coming off or switching meds

i think these two are part of the same message? but oh man yeah that sucks when ppl are misgendering you AND hitting on you at the same time. on a different note, ive never heard of using a corset to stim before! neat!

i mean, 1. depression doesn’t care if you have a “””good””” reason and 2. ive literally never met anyone w depression (including myself) who thinks that they do have a “””good””” reason for having it. thats the insidious part of depression, is that it makes you think that theres nothing wrong and that its all just you not measuring up in some way

so i guess that would make you.... someone with depression?

real BAD

💕 💖 💞 💓 💗

not yet haha THANK YOU

hey, im glad you like it!! since this blog has gotten so big, its kinda my happy place to be? (for anyone wondering, my reblog blog/personal is @spinels!

that IS a fun fact!! thank you!

it’s absolutely ok! i get a little bitter when people take my work WAY out of context (for example, straight people removing the caption that says “im just really gay” before tagging their bf/gf) but i am 100% ok and happy with people relating to my work in a different way than i intended (ex: a comic i made about being ashamed of my derma getting reblogged by someone struggling to be ok w their visible burn scars)

hoo gosh, thank you!!

glad to have you here!! im glad people can relate to some of the weirdly specific shit i write about tbh???

i’m sorry its taken so long for me to get back to you; that a terrible situation

if you have a teacher you trust, i would absolutely bring it up to them. that is 100% not an ok thing for those kids to be doing. at all.

im glad you at least have your friends that support you!

:0 WAIT is this someone i know through ucsc?? :0 :0 :0

aaaa thank you! that is high praise ;v;

i have no words; this is such a touching message. thank you so much ;v;

this is belated but!! the main creative community i can recommend is kzsc, the radio station! i had a real cool time there, and its a great way to make friends and connect with ppl of all sorts! :0

yeah, its totally normal! ive had roommates ive been super tight with, and roommates who i barely ever hung around with. its natural! i doubt you’ll finish college w/o finding a roomie that you get ~The Roomie Experience~ with though, even if its like a housemate or s/t!! ;0

i’ve never been told that, actually! neat!! (and wow?? i cant believe i inspire ppl.... wow......... what a concept tbh??)

oh yikes... i do hope youre feeling better :( im glad my comics can help a little bit at least!

💕 💖 💞 💓 💗!!!

HUGS

i dont remember what this was in reference to, but good to know?

also good to know!?

i think the crows and jays do! i dunno about the squirrels and other birds. and thank you!!

the youth gang..... i love it..... how good???!

i wrote about getting yuri right here! he’s a southern alligator lizard and i love him to bits.

heres a pic of the Long Boy doin his thing:

hey neat! i’m glad youve chosen a lame you can be proud of!!💖

ive never heard of that!! wow

what play is this?? :0 :0 :0 im so curious now!!

oh SHUCKS...,,,,,,,,,, ;v;

hahahaha omg thank u

i dont actually have any more of them interacting, unfortunately! the owl isnt one specific person, like a lot of my characters are meant to represent. the owl more represents as a whole all the people i run into in my life that i am very very gay for.

thank you!!!

youre very welcome! im glad you feel better!!!!

aaa gosh thank you!!!

hhhhfgh ive gotten less of it recently BUT YEAH that was bad times™️

thanks for the info!!! :0

no problem! a lot of the credit honestly goes to @fuckaspunk, who is always keeping me updated on that sort of stuff.

i didn’t know that! a lot of the symbolism seems to come from multiple sources sometimes, from what ive seen?

aaaa gosh omg thank you ;v;

aw thank you???!!

nice!!! oct 24 bdays go!!!

thank you!! it really does mean a lot actually!!!!!!!

of course?? antisemitism cant be ignored in this fight

aw, thats so cute! id love to hear what headcanons you have tbh???

hey thanks?! this is really cool to hear, tbh. i try to be positive most of the time, but im not going to like,,, kid myself when im not feeling it and im glad that other people can appreciate that too, ya know?

wow!!

(this one!) thank you i love that one too???!

hey, im glad you found your way here!! thank you so much!!!

aaaa ty!

hmmm i have two leopard geckos, and they made very good beginning lizards for me and aidan! but i would maybe ask someone a bit more experienced than me, like @kaijutegu or @wheremyscalesslither!!

thank you!!

one day at a time! (but seriously, thank you!!)

yummy yummy sauce...... ty!!!

awww, gosh! thank you!?

AAAA TY BOTH I GET SO SELF-CONSCIOUS ABT MY VOICE,,,,, ;o;

:0 i havent watched that, but it sounds rly cool!!

i like that fun fact a lot! ty!!

pae stands for paerlin, which is what @fuckaspunk‘s internet handle used to be! i used it to refer to them on my blog in secret back when they still didnt know i had a crush on them.... ;//v//;

aaaaa thank you!!! ;o;

nice nice nice ty!!

>:0 get back down here!! (jk that’s rly neat! highfive!!)

those are all good words that i like!! thank you!!!!

i dont know anything about him, but i looked him up and i guess i can see it?!

@fishcrow is really cool! ive never really interacted with them, but im p sure were mutuals...? anyway yeah their comics are rly cute and cool!

that is me! thank you; i hope things go well for you as well!

hello to you too!

aaaa ty!!! tbh the number of nice anons i get way way way outnumbers the mean ones <3

thank you! thank YOU for existing!

:0 chocolate croissant, here i come!!!

thank you!!!!!!💕

its literally my pleasure!!!

aaa ty!!! 💕💕

hehe im glad!

sldf;j;sfjdklfdslfjs thank you so much?????? what a compliment omg gosh

yeah!! i have a hard time on settling what class id be, but i feel like id be a heart player!

ohh um! im not sure which pens youre referring to, but if you mean the ones I use for my comics, i color them with Winsor & Newton ProMarkers, and I do the lines with a purple fine-point Sakura Gelly Roll Classic pen! i also use micron pens of all different sizes and colors in some of my non-diary comic art!

aww thank you so much!!

:0 :) :0 !!!!!!

ty!!! ive grown to love him very much as well!!

thank you! i hope you are doing well also!!

i love them very much?!! id put a picture but i dont have one with all four of them so instead imagine me lying on the floor crying abt how much i love them bc thats me basically every day

you dont mean......

?!?!?!?!?!?!

awwww ty!!!

HEY WOW

aaa gosh thank you!💕

DOUBLE FOLLOW

gay dragons combine the best of both very good things: gay and dragons. im glad you appreciate them w me tysm ;v;

aaa what a lovely message! ty💕

3rd-shift-working, depression-having, corvid-loving solidarity fistbumnp!!!!

huh! ive never heard of that; ill check it out maybe!!

ah im really glad? tysm!!💕

my understanding is that it helps people who have text-to-speech readers? but im honestly not as well informed on that as i should be!

hell yeah!!!!

gosh!!!!!

hnmngnhng youve probably already made a decision but i just gotta say.........shadow rulez

delicious!!

i havent!! i really want to though!

oh man ALL THE TIME. i usually try to either reality check with someone i trust, or to do an activity thats easy and i know i can do, or both!

i love andre and karl!!! its actually a huge influence on me and my art tbh???

i had a good (and safe) trip! ty!!!

hey, thank you!!!

oh jeez thats bad :( i think this was in response to when i needed to wait between med refills?

i cant give a precise reason, tbh! when it comes to whats lucky, i just sort of.... go with my gut, ya know?

thank you!! 👍

that sure sounds like insomnia! its almost hard for me to say tbh, bc ive had trouble sleeping for as long as i can remember, so NOT having trouble sleeping is bizarre and unrealistic to me haha... but i think the bottom line is, if its interrupting your daily routine and making it hard for you to have enough energy, then its something you should look into remedies for!

:0 :0 :0

ohhh how nice! ill give it a try! :>

omg,,,, nope, just me!

thank you!!!!!!

honestly? thats such a good way to look at it i love the idea of my blog as a big zine

always!!!!! go for it!!!

hey, thank you so much!!!!!

omg, thats so great! thank you!

im so glad; thank you!!!

thank you so much!💖 (and mexico, neat! i love hearing where people are following from??)

aaaaaaaaaaaa ;//v//; thank you??? i get so happy whenever ppl tell me they like my singing aaaaaaa

aw, hey, no worries! money is all well and good, but in some ways, messages like this mean just as much!

its cool that comic gave you plural feels! im def not a system though :>

its tricky, isnt it? i still feel like im no good at it lmao

LISTEN,,, there is a 99.9999% chance i wont notice, and a 100% chance i wont judge. reblog away!

THANK YOU ARENT THEY THE BEST I LOVE THEM SO MUCH

thank you!! i hope you have a good day as well!

aaa ty!!💖

aa ty! (what a cool name!!! im kind jealous ngl!)

awww thank you💖

i do my best! i just worry when im not active, bc i tend to connect my self-worth to my output (;^; )

aaaaa ty!! 💖

!!!!!!!!!!!! omg wow i love being called a pretty boy???? ty???????

hey, neat! crow high-five!

aw, thank you!!! 💖

im doing my best! thank you so much, messages like this really help when im in a place like that tbh ;v;

gosh this is so sweet? thank you so muhc !!?

thank you all!! im sorry that saying thank you over and over sounds so repetitive, but i truely do mean it for every one of you!!!

i am..... one of those things!

well thank you!!

ohoho~✨

thank you! and honestly im sure it does??

hey, cool! good for you!!!!!!! and ty!!

aw gosh thank you!💖

hey, wow! thats super cool; thank you so much!

(i dont follow the first person i followed on tumblr anymore.... they became a hockey blog rip haha)

aaaah, thank you so much!!

almost???

i do!! drunken lullabies is an absolute banger!!!!!!!!!!

i am!!!! thank you!!

aw, ty!!! 💖

hee hee, thank you!

my biggest tip honestly?? have someone who can be by your side to help you with... basically everything... during your recovery. bc trust me, i was n o t a v a i l a b l e. i spent a lot of my recovery playing 2048 at the same time as watching tv, bc doing both at once distracted me from how much the bandages itched.

thank you!! (i think this was in reference to getting top surgery!)

how shitty??????? yikes. i hope your supervisor has your back??? bc wow????

hey!!! thank you!!! i draw all my comics traditionally on paper! im not sure what you mean by the writing though? if you mean the word bubbles, i do those by hand on paper too!

I COMPLETELY UNDERSTAND THAT FEELING,,,, im so happy ppl talk to me, but i get really nervous about saying the wrong thing.

when i’m down, i usually crave validation. i like being reminded about things ive done right! i also like gentle reality checks, like, ‘hey: this is the situation, this is what we can do about it. ok? ok’

i unfortunately dont have any!! i had a couple at one point, but they’ve since been lost to the depths of my old laptop. and hey, thank you so much!!

now thats a nifty trick!! im terrible at telling all my white tablets from each other lmao

!!!!!!! ITS ME!!!!!!!!

maybe you just need some space? i know i sometimes temporarily block people i know, if i need some private space or if i dont trust myself to keep cool and solve problems constructively. do what you need to do to feel at ease, and go from there, ya know?

thank you!!!

its,,,, up somewhere above in this monster post lmao i,m so sorry,,,,

thank you so much!!!

WOW NO WORRIES??,,,,,,,,, INCREDIBLE 10/10???????

all four of these came right after i gave myself a hair cut and THANK YOU SO MUCH??? i live for validation and it feels so good to have my actions affirmed ;o;

#WOW THAT TOOK LIKE THREE HOURS HAHA #hopefully next time it wont be as long!!#daveanswersstuff #long post

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