#super fucking unsettling to not be able to tell which is reality

[thinkhappythxughts]

having an active imagination and vivid dreams is all fun and games until you have a series of recurring nightmares in which there are inception-style layers so you think you've woken up from the nightmare part only to work out a bit later that no you're still in the dream and there's another layer you need to break out of and when you're actually finally awake you need to like fully check that this is real life

[masterthespianduchovny]

The counter argument to people being against Sam/Rebecca for legitimate reasons are claims that Sam is being “infantilized.”

These age gap conversations in general are difficult to have because one side won’t acknowledge that just because two people are adults doesn’t mean they are in the same place emotionally and mentally. And this is a very important thing to note.

Someone being 18, a legal adult in America (I think you can date adults at 16 in the UK), doesn’t mean they are able to date a significantly older person, say 38, without a problem. Because, more times than not, which is an understatement, there’s a lot of fucking problems in an age gap relationship even if the older person isn’t dating the younger for nefarious reasons.

It is not infantilizing Sam or any young adult to say, “hey, this relationship may be detrimental to them because of their age.” That is just…facts.

Many people on tumblr and other SM sites often talk about how they still feel like kids at 22 and are still figuring life at, despite having jobs, kids, and shit. Despite being in full blown relationships, these young adults don’t feel like adults and that’s because you aren’t magically mature just because you’ve reached an arbitrary age to be declared a legal adult.

You just aren’t.

And being mature in one aspect of your life or regarding emotional development doesn’t mean you’re mature in other aspects. At 17, I was mature enough to understand this.

Because maturity isn’t just something you obtain like your degree or license, it’s an ongoing, ever evolving thing.

It’s life experience. As in how you learn and grow from it.

Acknowledging that someone doesn’t have significant life experience isn’t infantilizing them, it’s giving an important perspective to a crowd of who is essentially arguing “age ain’t nothing, but a number.”

If you’re all for an 18 year old dating a 38 year old, why not a 16 year old and a 36 year. It’s only a two year difference, right? And what if that 16 year old is really mature? Most would have an issue with that. People are justifying a significantly older person dating a younger person due to legality and not they are actually mature and on the same level. But there’s not much difference between a 16 and 18 year old or an 18 year old and a 20 year old. But guess what, there is a significant difference between people between the ages of 18-22 dating people a decade or more.

I literally just turned 30 last week and, even when I was 25, after a while I could tell when I was speaking to a teen or someone in their early 20s. Because, whether or not you get along with them, there are just some things that, because they haven’t had enough life experience, they don’t have the nuance or perspective to engage with you a certain way and this is even on a non romantic level.

And, in some cases, the younger person is more “mature” not because they’re actually that mature, but because the older person is that immature.

So before I get into the issues with Sam and Rebecca, let me give you four examples of age gaps relationships:

1. A friend of mine dating an older man when she was 23 and he was 38. She was a manager at a gym and he was a gym member. They would have sex and hang out, but she wanted commitment. Whenever she asked him about it, he’d get weird on her. After finally breaking it off months later, he “loved” her and finally wanted commitment, but she’d moved on. While she dated him, I told her my two cents on the situation and left it alone. Last month, she recalled this conversation as she groaned in displeasure hearing about an age gap relationship. She’s now skeptical of older people dating significantly younger people.

2. A friend of mine was 18 dating a 28 year old. We all worked at a pizzeria. He watched her on the cameras from the back when he became a manager—got mad if she talked to male coworkers. Used to gaslight her, controlled her via manipulation, and other gross toxic shit. After emotionally tormenting her for a year or so and pressuring her to live with him, which her parents allowed due to some issues they didn’t want to exacerbate, he cheated on her. They’re broken up now. She was always stressed out while with him.

3. A girl got into her first and only relationship when she was 19 with a man who was 32. They’re now married 23 and 36. She wants to wait to have kids and on her birthday he gifted her baby clothes. Make of that what you will.

4. A girl, 22, dated her 37 year old professor. At 28, she feels like she’s outgrown him and is disturbed about how and when they got together. And one night she heard him advise his friends to date younger girls so they can mold them. Yeah…

Sure you have marriages that have age gaps that lasted, but even then, very few of those are actually healthy. The younger person is usually taking orders from the older partner, can’t do certain things, doesn’t have any true agency, skills to survive on their own, etc. What typically happens is after that person becomes older, they begin to question their relationship because what seemed okay when they were younger, is unsettling after becoming older.

Like I said, take out the nefarious shit, and there is still a significant life experience gulf between Sam and Rebecca and that is one of the many issues with this pairing. Despite what some romantics and media loves to say, “love does not conquer all.” Most of the marriages that end in divorce isn’t because they couple fell out of love, it’s due to finances. Love couldn’t conquer that. Some marriages end because one of them changed or they could’ve overcome their vast differences.

I’m not saying Sam and Rebecca are on a path for marriage or are even in love, they aren’t, however, they idea that just because they get along and have some things in common means it would be a great relationship is very shortsighted. There isn’t even enough significant interaction to prove this. Getting along on an app isn’t the same as connecting face to face. And none of this can overcome Rebecca’s life experience and, relatively speaking, Sam’s lack thereof.

And I’d argue that, on average, athletes tend to be immature because they live in such a bubble where people constantly kiss their ass. Which makes Sam look more mature than he probably is.

Even then, being with an older person ages you. This younger person misses out on so much, many of which they regret, because they’re trying to be mature enough for their older partner. They don’t want to seen as immature for doing young shit when that’s exactly their age range.

But let’s get into the real consequences for Sam here:

1. Sam has to keep his relationship a secret. The media will tear him up about dating/fucking the owner of the team. And so will fans. People love to mention he’s being infantilized because he’s young and black, how do you think that is going to go if anyone finds out about them? Racism, baby. He won’t suffer from sexism, however, they will question his place on the team and if he deserves to be there. This will taint him and even cause issues with his parents. So secret relationship it is.

2. If his teammates found out, this will fracture his relationship with them. Whether or not it’s true, Sam will be blamed for shit outside of his control. They’ll think he only got more playing time, more pay, or whatever because he’s fucking Rebecca. OR they’ll try to ask him for favors and get upset if he won’t do it. His team will think he’s getting favoritism and believe there is a power imbalance between them and Sam as a result. Don’t believe me, Google dynamics once students realize a classmate is dating their teacher or an employee is dating their boss. It usually doesn’t go over so well.

So even if the relationship is loving and healthy, Sam will suffer from being with Rebecca. Because if it's a secret, it’s going to bother him eventually that they have to sneak around and the anxiety of being caught. If it’s out in the open, he will suffer harassment, alienation, his play will suffer because his teammates probably won’t pass to him, etc.

Which leads to, 3: transferring teams. But how is that fair? Sam is developing well under ted and now that may delay his development and stock just so he can be with Rebecca? We want this young, black man to succeed, but his career will be kneecapped due to his relationship. Sam is serious about football and this would be a major blow to him.

Like I said, take out nefarious shit and this relationship is still detrimental to Sam. And even with a healthy relationship, there will still be a disconnect that will lead to their relationship ending because they are in two vastly different places in their lives.

That is not infantilizing Sam, that’s reality.

And, again, that power imbalance is massive. We saw how easy it was for Rebecca to send Jamie back to Man City. She has so much power, control, and influence over Sam’s career and livelihood. She can dictate how much or how little they offer to pay him during contract negotiations.

And this is the ship people are getting upset at others rightfully taking issue with?

It doesn’t even make sense for Rebecca to go along with this either. She played a part in Keeley breaking up with Jamie, which age, Jamie being younger, played a key part in it. She’s even disgusted by Rupert dating a significantly younger woman. I doubt her opinion centered on maturity. She’s not going to suddenly support this relationship if she found out that Bex is super mature.

Rebecca would stand to lose a lot of she were to get involved with Sam and others found out. She’d get dragged through the mud worse than she did after her divorce. She’s lose them support of her staff. And it would fuck up the relationship she has with her players.

Now some Sam/Rebecca supporters have called bullshit on people who are against this relationship, yet support Ted and Rebecca. They claim it’s the same power imbalance or that one exists.

1. It’s not the same power imbalance.

2. Yes, one does exist, but it’s not nearly as wide as it is with Sam and it wouldn’t destroy her either.

Ted has the authority to hire and fire people. He has the authority to facilitate trades, call up people, and send them down. He has a lot of influence that Sam does not. They aren’t equals, but there also isn’t a massive power disparity either.

Rebecca also can’t completely fuck over Ted like she can Sam if she went all scorned woman. Because, doing so, would entail her own demise. Even if you don’t include that, Ted is only attached to Richmond. He doesn’t care about having a career as a football coach in the ways coaches from non US countries do. He can go back and have a career as an American football coach and still be massively successful. Or, if Rebecca did want to fuck him over, he has that bomb as to why he was hired. Ted doesn’t even have to play that card for it to be played by either Higgins or Keeley.

Because one of them will if they feel it’s necessary.

We have no clue what’s going to happen with this storyline. But the idea that people against Sam and Rebecca being a thing, romantically or sexually, being fueled by racism or sexism is misguided, hypocritical, and flat out wrong. If this entanglement is pursued, it stands to harm Sam from various angles and that’s MY objection.

People think this is all about Ted/Rebecca when, personally, I’d lose (some) respect for Rebecca if she got involved with Sam. That would taint her for me. Because let’s be real, many of us are grossed out by Rupert dating, marrying, and then impregnating Bex. Yet, some are okay with Rebecca and Sam getting together and those who are against it are sexist? And I truly believe the same people supporting this ship are also grossed out by Rupert’s relationship.

How is Rupert’s relationship gross, but we shouldn’t obsess over age with Rebecca and Sam? People say Sam is mature enough to date Rebecca, which implies that Bex isn’t mature enough to be with Rupert and that IS sexist.

Even if the writers confirm tomorrow that Ted/Rebecca will never be a thing, I wouldn’t object any less to Sam/Rebecca. If Sam was Roy’s age and in Roy’s position, I’d have way less of an issue.

But you’re going to have a tough time convincing me that a young man who is 20/21 and employed by a 47 year woman who can heavily influence his career isn’t a massive power imbalance that shouldn’t be explored by fans.

I’m really curious to see how this post ages once the storyline plays out. But this post is about exploring what it means for Sam and Rebecca to get involved and how the accusations of infantilizing Sam doesn’t pass the sniff test.

[smugraccoon137]

Supergirl Season 2 episode 8 Medusa review part 2

If your curious part 1 was just my breakdown of Kara and Mon-els relationship that got way too long. But as always SPOILERS AND GAY THOUGHTS AHEAD

Me and kel get so excited when Lenas in an episode. Like practically giddy. I can’t help smiling when shes on screen honestly. And yes Katie McGrath is beautiful, but beyond that such a pretty smile and lovely voice. I’m sure ratings started to spike when she joined the cast. Okay enough about pretty girls on to the review 

Tipsy fucking Alex though guys I can’t get over this mess of a person. 

Alex: if I have to come out to my mom then I choose to do it drunk

Kara: no your not *yoinks beer*

Alex: wait no my coming out juice

Kara Danvers sneaky sneaker extraordinaire can totally interview Lena and find out Cadmus things without anyone knowing. The confidence this goofball has is top tier

Underrated relationship: Alex and Winn though. I really really love Winn and honestly Alex is such big sister energy to both him and Kara. 

wow Lenas pretty in the interview scene. A touch of auburn hair from the sunlight really makes this shot and we never get to see her with her hair down. Fan service honestly, or maybe she heard a certain beef cake reporter was gonna come by and wanted to dazzel her.

Lena: hair up is for business. Hair down is for flirting friendship time with Kara

Poor baby thinks she falls short nooooo. Your doing your best godamn your only like 25 jesus. Kara give her a hug she needs love and affection

Kara thinks shes being so sneaky in this interview. Such a golden retriever, bad at sneakin. As soon as she toes the line Lena catches on and kicks her out. Really good acting in the scene, the subtle change in expression to show Lenas guard raising. Good job Katie.

Real quick Lena why is your office so ugly? How do you keep it clean? You spend 99% of your days in this place and its whiter than a hospital room. I hate it. Why is your desk an oval? and why does it have a hole in it? Kara cant eat you out in secret anymore damn. 

OOHHHhhhh noooo the fucking gas bomb in the bar what the fuck. EVERYBODIES DEAD JESUS WHAT WAS THAT

Poor Mon-el. What happened at the bar was fucked up, and he feels like its fault when its obviously not.

Love that he and Kara are having bro time playing some Monopoly. Oh no not Kara asking if he likes her. Honestly thought these two had good chemistry in this scene. Im a sucker for dumbass not understanding certain words and phrases. So Kara having to reiterate her questions and finally being like “You don’t want to mate with me do you?” was super fun. Omegaverse vibes mfs. Although I am confused by mon-els reaction “I mean have you seen the kind of women I’ve been attracting?” I honestly don’t know what this means.

Kara internal reaction though: Oh thank god

Wow Kara really just has no regard for her own life, huh? she just opens the door and possibly contaminates herself. It’s good to want to help people, but love you gotta care about yourself too

Good reveal with the fortress of solitude. Oof Kara gonna feel like its her fault all those aliens died and mon-els sick. They do a really good job of showing Karas relationship with her parents through their holograms. She wants so badly to see them again, to talk to them. And she can, but not really. They just aren’t real.

Lena cattily to her mother: im used to celebrating holiday weekends alone at my desk

me to Kara: please invite her to thanksgiving

Okay so Lena being adopted is another interesting parallel to Kara. Also the fact that both Kara and Lena fall into there families shadows, and are left behhind or forgotten. Really interesting how Lena and Karas relationship is so similar to Clark and Lex’s for obvious purposes. Though the CW queer coding the fuck out of their relationship in Smallville really only adds to Supercorp fever. Its always been Homoerotic subtext Harold!

Me watching Lena and Lillian trade verbal blows: Wow ya’lls relationship is fucked up. Lex and Lionelle would spar and fence but you two are on another level jesus

oooooof that last line. 

Lena: I know your lying

Lillian: and how could you possibly know that?

Lena: because you told me you loved me. And we both know thats not true

Who wrote this jesus fuck my heart. The PAIN.

Bonus thought Lena thinks Karas smart. Goofball beefcake sneaky sneakster who doesnt know the difference between flirting and friendship is smart she thinks. I love these idiots

Wow Kara just doesn’t wait huh? Oh cadmus is going to be at LCorp? Not on my watch. Lena’s there. I know this because I tune into her heart beat just to check on her cus she likes to work late. Don’t worry Alex it’s for friendship reasons.

That LCorp security guard got princess carried for .2 seconds. Best moment of his life.

God its like dark out. Lenas working on a holiday weekend into the night. I hate this, give her friends.

Lena looks so scared when Kara gets thrown into the giant LCorp sign

And then hurt Kara looking up at her with dread.

Kara internal: fuck don’t come out now. I came here to save you

God I love the protectiveness. Its *chefs kiss*. Hank throwing the beam at Lena and Kara even in her hurt state throwing herself in front of it. Sometimes self sacrifice is gay. But how Lena looks at her after wards like “I can’t believe I’m alive. I can’t believe she chose to save me”. Met with a gruff “Get out of here!”. mm yes this is my kind of content. Fight for me.

I was robbed an aftercare scene but I doubt it will be the last time. (*COUGHS* the “im leaving” phone call *COUGHS*)

Talking about the virus Eliza: what about Lena Luthor?

Kara: What about her?! (super defensive is also a super power maam)

Winn: Luthors can be pretty good actors

Kara: No, I looked into LENAS EYES. She doesn’t know anything about cadmus or her mother

J’onzz: Would you stake Mon-els life on that?

well I guess that really puts Lena and Mon-el right next to each other in priorities huh? Which one is more important? 

Wow Lena totally has a crush on Supergirl after that. Flustered dork. 

Lena: *laughs nervously* you know that doors not really an entrance

Kara: *upsettit stone face pupper*

Lena: :,) 

Okay but the way Lena just says “Anything” all breathless and helpful when Kara says she needs her help. Shes crushin hard

Kara tells Lena her mother is in charge of Cadmus. 

Lena: >:(

Annnd the crush is dead. That did not last long. Really love that Lena has such a different relationship with Kara vs Supergirl though, good dynamic having her reactions so different. Which I believe actually relates as a Clark and Lois parallel? Seeing as how Lois has two separate relationships with Clark and Superman. 

OOf the way Lenas throat bobs with genuine sadness because who she thought Supergirl was is wrong. Shes just like the rest of them. Thinks Lena is just another crazy Luthor. It hurts

Kara: I know what its like to be disillusioned by our parents, but Im a pretty good judge of character, and you are not like your mother. She is cold and dangerous. And you are too good and too smart to follow in her path. Be your own Hero.

Wow just what a good line. They are capable of some things here and there arent they? Melissa's delivery on this is excellent. And the way Katie McGrath is able to show such depth of sadness and bitterness even from a shot of her BACK is really cool. Great acting in this scene in particular. And I can see why the “desperation to be good” is such a highlighted part of these two relationship. Its the one thing in common between Lena and Supergirl, the place where they can meet in the middle. And the way Lena looks after her as she leaves! AHHH thats the good shit, the pining

Okay big Mon-el scene in coming so if you dont want to hear my ranting skip over this part. 

Funny how as soon as Kara has this big impactful scene with Lena full of tension and emotion the writers were like: shit we almost forgot Mon-els dying. 

Kara: *staring sadly back into Lenas office kind of wanting to go back in*

Writers: *cough cough* KARA He’s DYINGGGG

Kara: Oh shit right. Mon-el Oh no. My *looks at poorly written handwriting on her palm* romantic interest?

Wow Mon-el looks like shit, poor guy. Someone swaddle this pillow princess and get him some soup.

Heres a question. Kara is visibly upset that Mon-el is dying. Is it because she’s sad that the guy shes likes is dying. Because her friend is dying? Because her father created the virus thats killing him (what the writers want us to think)? Or because no matter what Kara does the people she loves keep falling through the cracks and shes helpless to stop it?

Her parents. Clark. Her adoptive father. Now Lena. Now Mon-el. Why can’t she ever do anything? Why is it always her fault? This poor kid has some deep seeded abandonment issues

Mon-el: you know you look beautiful with the weight of all these worlds on your shoulders.

I do remember my reaction here, cus I thought this was a weird line. A line that was obviously meant to be romantic and complimentary, but it felt unsettled in my stomach. Coming back and watching the scene it sits even more uncomfortably there. He obviously means well, but this line is kind of just shitty. Its a very selfish and unthoughtful thing to say to someone. 

Kara’s entire fucking life has revolved around other people and making sure they are happy and taken care of. But having “failed” at such a young age to do the impossible things asked of her (carrying on Kryptons legacy, raising Clark) she overcompensates. Any normal person would just make their life revolve around their family and friends, not healthy but it works. But Kara feels responsibility over an entire world of lost people and lives. So the amount she overcompensates is ungodly. She does have the weight of worlds on her shoulders. This is not a joke or hyperbole. Its just her life. And thats so fucking shitty. And to have someone actually see that and acknowledge it. To make it a reality so to speak. Then to have them say “yeah you look good like this” while you’re a shaking Atlas being crushed. It is just a little too much isn’t it? That pain to have someone see you finally, and then completely miss the point. For them to go “oh wow your so strong. your so brave” instead of “let me help you. you shouldn’t have to do this at all, forget by yourself. But now I am here”. 

I imagine this was the scene that crowned my darling himbo boy Mon-Hell? Which is so unfortunate. I hope Im wrong, but I feel that his character might just end up a big missed opportunity

I want everyone to know that me and Kel screamed through the entire enxt few seconds of the scene. We knew the kiss was coming from how they were building it up. But god was it painful, especially for it to be delivered after a line like THAT. But yeah very loud angry screaming

Also not to be that bitch but Kara and Mon-els scene was a total of 1:53 RT, and Kara and Lenas ran at a 1:57 RT. Just sayin...

No Lena don’t be evil thats too sexy...

Okay but the way that Lena just tricks Lillian is so good. Shes so clever. And added bonus she makes her ask for her help, which is nice actually. Lillian's obvious vice is weakness and that is often shown in embarrassment. A woman like this asking for help borders that line of weakness and its nice to see on such a dislikable character. Lena didn’t just get what she wanted she got a point over her mother.

Lena looks good in the purple coat. Repeat she is pretty

Love the mental chess game between Lena and Lillian. Lena offering help right off the bat and giving her the isotope free of charge. And then Lillian making Lena launch the virus to prove herself. Good stuff.

Kara appears: don’t do it Lena!

Lena: why not? im a luthor

Okay so obviously Lena switched the Isotope and the Virus won’t work. But thats what makes this line so perfect. Throwing it back in Supergirls face. Like “Yeah, Im a luthor. And Ill show you what im capable of.” But instead of mass death and destruction Lena saves the day. She saved thousands of lives, and its because shes a Luthor that she was able to do that. Really nice way to full circle that 

Wow Lillian really just starts booking it without Lena, huh? bitch

I really love the scene of the virus falling all around National City. The choice of an orangish snow falling was a really really good one. Paired with some excellent music for the mid season finale.

Its sad but I do love Hank just being ready and at peace with death. Im sure he misses his wife and daughters. 

Okay but Lena calling the cops is tea. Send your mom to jail honey. 

So we’re really not gonna talk about how Lena saved everyones asses? Like don’t you think Supergirl would want to talk to the woman that A) kind of tricked her, and B) saved National City. Thats just what makes sense??? But no we’re going to ignore that the DEO is a kind of shit at their job sometimes. And that the woman that they were accusing of having a part to play in all the xenophobic shit is the one who did their job. BY HER SELF. 

Okay rant over. This was a long one review dear god. Really really good episode though. I enjoyed rewatching all the scenes even if it was a mixed bag of feelings. Thanks for reading hope you enjoyed all the screaming!

[dazais-guardian-angel]

Hot take: Bakugou's character wouldn't survive if not for the one he kept abusing all his life. 90% of his character revolves around his victim and yet the fandom paints him as this super developed, fleshed out character when in reality he'd never be anything bigger than a side character if not for Deku.

Also the concequences he supposedly received are just him being teased or not getting the win he wanted, no being kidnapped doesn't count, he literally got away with his shit while even been treated like a victim and the privilege to know something about Deku that isn't any of his business. And now because he sacrificed himself that one time the fandom acts like Izuku owes his ass anything. It's disgusting.

I have given up on him actually being half the decent character ppl make him out to be and the fandom reaction to him makes me hate him even more.

He's not complex, he's just a pretty boy, asshole archetype who gets nicer and has some more cooperative and ppl love to eat that shit up while making up stuff for him. He changes but he's doesn't change for what matters and definitely pales in comparison to other characters who are better written than him.

(holy shit, did they remove the character limit on asks?? omg a GODSEND)

Well yeah, if it weren’t for Izuku and how he treats Izuku he wouldn’t have anything to improve from; people only think he’s developed because he no longer outright bullies him and “””worries””” (I say in heavy quotes) about him, and “reflects” on how he treated him even though he.......... comes to the absolute wrongest, most idiotic conclusions imaginable, that put the brunt of the excuses on Izuku instead of himself, but Toshinori validates him because Horikoshi has made Toshi into Bakugou’s uwu stan and stan of the two boys’ “friendship” (completely ignoring the fact that THIS KID FOR TEN YEARS BULLIED HIS SON). He’s basically already been devolved to acting like a side character for a long time now, with his funny anger quirk pun partly intended that’s just treated like a joke at this point, just like everyone else’s character quirks, even though it would be far more interesting for him to, you know. actually get some therapy and learn to calm himself and become an actual pleasant person to be around. But that’s not what makes him “funny”, that’s not him, according to most people, so he’s always going to stay like this, a boring angry pomeranian who flies off the handle at everything for no reason, who has done the absolute bare minimum of “changing”, which makes him a perfect character in everyone’s eyes.

“He changes but doesn’t change for what matters” pretty much sums up the problem with him in a nutshell, and is the exact reason he frustrates me so much, that I’ve ranted about plenty before. Bakugou has never been viewed through the lens of a bully, an abuser, he was never set up to be that, at least not realistically, and so his development hasn’t happened in accordance with that setup either, and people don’t have a problem with it and actively praise it because the manga actively downplay(ed)s the severity of that origin story. People can ignore the reality of how seriously traumatic being bullied for ten years of your childhood, verbally and physically would be, and how seriously and with such sensitivity such a relationship and character arc must be handled, because aside from the very first chapter when Izuku and Bakugou are still in middle school, really, with the “take a swan dive off the roof” comment and others, it’s never focused on in that way ever again; ever since, it’s just been treated as a typical anime “rivalry”, that both of them need to better themselves to overcome. The story and teachers say “the two of them are so alike but they just keep missing each other; if they just made up for each others’ weaknesses and understood that they both want the same thing, they’d be stronger together!”, and Izuku HIMSELF tries so hard to reach through to Bakugou, always still considering him his friend, always feeling like he’s the one equally at fault for their relationship being as rocky as it is, when BAKUGOU!!! FUCKING!!! BULLIED HIM!!! FOR TEN YEARS. bullied a DISABLED CHILD, which again, as a disabled person who relates to Izuku and how he felt about his quirklessness, feelings that continue to affect him even long after he gets a quirk because of how he was treated when he was younger, is DEEPLY unsettling to me. You CANNOT read/watch MHA without the metaphor of quirklessness = disabled being very apparent, and so that makes Bakugou’s bullying and how it is so utterly glossed over and purposefully forgotten a hundred times more disturbing and aggravating than it already is! If this were any other shounen rivalry then yes, it could be resolved with effort from both parties, because both parties have their own personal reasons for why they have trouble getting along with the other, and the fun is watching to see how they will overcome those, but Izuku and Bakugou were never on an equal playing field to begin with; this is a bullying story, with its victim trying desperately to win over and befriend his abuser, when he owes him absolutely NOTHING and has a BOATLOAD of unresolved issues thanks to said bullying, with no outside help from adults for either of them because none of them are acknowledging it as fucking bullying. I guarantee you that if the manga went into much more painful, bleak detail and showed many more flashbacks of how Izuku was treated by Bakugou in the past, and then still continued with the “development” he’s had since, people would be unable to ignore it like they can now, and it would make all of them extremely uncomfortable like it does those of us now who already dislike him. Hori himself has said he doesn’t understand why Bakugou is so popular, but he’s able to just continue as he does with him because no one is complaining, and because he said he regrets making him so awful in the beginning, as if that magically makes it disappear as much as it already has in 90% of the fandom’s collective mind. You wanna know an actual good manga that also deals with a bully of a disabled child growing and improving himself and forming a close relationship with his former victim? A Silent Voice. Such a journey is long, and hard, and it is painful, with many ups and downs and many nasty, hateful, guilt-filled, depression-filled feelings from both sides, along with from other characters who either also partook in the bullying, were bystanders to it who did nothing, or were indirect victims as well. The bully is bullied himself after what he does, and then grows up nearly suicidal, closing himself off and struggling to be social and make new friends because he doesn’t know how and doesn’t entirely feel like he deserves it (and the story notably doesn’t go the route of “he was abused too at home and so that’s why he bullied”), and tries and fails many times to make amends with the person he hurt before he finally is at peace with himself and everyone; the victim, meanwhile, drowns in continued guilt and suicidal feelings over feeling like she’s a burden to others, both from her disability and from watching all the infighting and victim blaming and finger pointing that ensues between her old classmates when all of the nasty emotions are brought back to the surface, along with dealing with budding romantic feelings for her past bully when he genuinely starts being kind towards her and making an effort to connect with her. ASV is entirely about this complex narrative, it’s able to dedicate everything it has to telling this story tactfully and with all the time and attention it needs. MHA, meanwhile, is a shounen battle manga, and so it was never going to do this narrative and Bakugou’s arc justice, even though I honestly think it could have if Hori really wanted to, because Izuku and Toshinori’s relationship has such masterfully subtle and touching emotions and care, at least early on; Horikoshi knows how to write good, subtle character arcs. I’m not asking for something ASV level, of course not, when the series has so many other things it has to juggle. I just wanted Bakugou to be treated as exactly what he is: a former bully, who can be taught, and learn, and reflect, and change, and become a better, more humble, more interesting person, and actually become someone worthy of all the praise and love he gets, not only for Izuku’s sake, but for his own, as well. They don’t excuse his actions in the slightest, but it’s still undeniable that Bakugou himself is a victim of how the adults in his life have treated him and raised his own expectations of himself, giving him the crippling insecurity issues he has, and that they continue to harm him (and Izuku) by simply letting him continue to go on angrily the way he does, instead of getting him help and some therapy in order for him to change and heal from things like being kidnapped by villains (which is no small thing to go through!! on top of his guilt over Toshinori’s final battle!) and becoming a better person to the one he hurt in the past, and it all just makes me so sad, not because I’m all “uwu poor Bakugou”, but just cause his character deserves better, as a person he deserves better, just like Izuku deserves better than everything he’s gone through because of him. This is all just a very long-winded way of agreeing with you OP that yes, none of Bakugou’s “punishments” for his behavior mean anything because he’s punished as a rival student who needs to humble himself in order to get along with his friend he doesn’t like, not as a former(??) bully who needs to be separated from his victim. The bar is set so low, was never set where it should be, and so absolutely no progress to “better himself” Bakugou makes either will mean anything, as long as it’s never acknowledged that he needs to make amends as a bully and abuser.

[thefloatingstone]

If you’re doing Self Quarintine (and you should be if you can help it) here’s some Youtube recommendations! Some of these I have posted about or recommended before but with almost all of us stuck indoors now’s a good time to remind you of some cool things you can watch for free!

I’m not gonna imbed the videos, I’ll just post the link because otherwise I would only able to post 5 and I want to collect a few so you can make a playlist or something. (I could make a playlist too but then I couldn’t tell you what each video is and you can’t pick and choose which one sounds interesting to you)

In no particular order:

Polybius: The video Game that doesn’t exist

An hour long documentary in which the youtuber did extensive research to find the origin of the “Polybius” Urban Legend, which speaks of an early arcade game reportedly seen around the early 1980s which reportedly gave people migraines, insomnia, nausea, subliminal messages, and in some cases heart attacks.

The Universal S

A shorter video in which LEMMiNO does his very best to try and track down where exactly this S that we all drew in middle school comes from? Why does literally every country on earth seem to HAVE their children draw this S?

I also recommend LEMMiNO’s video on the Dayltov Pass Incident and the perplexing UFO cases

Down the Rabbit Hole: Henry Darger

Fredrick Knudsen has an incredible fascinating series called “Down the Rabbit Hole” which simply focuses on... anything you can discover and go digging into. From weird internet personalities, to bizarre happenings in history. This video is about the artist Henry Darger, a man who lived in the early 1900s and for all intents and purposes had a perfectly average, lonely life, until it was discovered just before his death he had spent literally decades writing and drawing a fantasy world in what is possibly the longest piece of literature ever written.

I also recommend his video on the Hurdy Gurdy

Bedtime Stories Channel

I’m actually just gonna link the whole channel for “Bedtime Stories”. If you like weird and creepy stories, all of which at least claim to be “true” then Bedtime Stories is great. Coupled by illustrations and subtle sound effects, Bedtime Stories is literally listening to someone tell you a story about such things like hikers who mysteriously went missing, Sightings of Bog Men in Florida and giant Birds over Chernobyl, as well as weird and unsettling murders that remain unsolved. Sometimes the facts are a little dubious or have been disproved, but that’s not the point of the channel. It’s here to tell a creepy story, not give you a documentary.

A Journey Through Rule of Rose

Rule of Rose is a Survival Horror gave for the PS2 which has rather bad gameplay... but a FASCINATING story with just as many layers and symbolism as Silent Hill 2 could boast. It tells the story of one young woman traveling back into her own childhood in an orphanage in the 1930s, and all the horrors that contains. From repressed grief, abusive relationships, child neglect, abuse, and bullying... but it ALSO contains symbolism of societal class structure, politics, eating the rich, and how power structures work. Not for the faint of heart, but HIGHLY recommended.

I also super highly recommend his video on the similarities between Silent Hill 2 and Solaris

Clemps Reviews Crisis Core

Mr. Clemps is a great internet gamer who reviews JRPGs and other games he simply enjoys. Sprinkling in a heavy dose of comedy and very fast jokes and observations, Clemps’ videos are always upbeat, fun, and incredibly enjoyable to watch. I’m linking part 1 of his Crisis Core video in which he explains why the PSP game remains a personal favourite of his despite its flaws.

I also recommend his video on Eternal Sonata

Defunct TV: The History of Dragon Tales

Defunctland is a channel that deals with theme parks and theme park rides that are no longer standing, or which are no longer around in their current form. Defunctland also has a sub series though, called “Defunct TV” where they look at the origin of children’s TV which are no longer airing. I recommend the video on Dragon Tales which is incredibly wholesome, and a genuinely uplifting and soft story of good people trying to make good things for children. (I also recommend the videos on Bear in the Big Blue House, Zoboomafoo, and Legends of the Hidden Temple)

Hagan’s Histories of Polar Exploration

A Playlist for Diamanda Hagan’s videos about the doomed Franklin Expedition from the late 1800s, where England tried to find a passage through the Northern Arctic to the Pacific Ocean. This went horribly horribly wrong, with every member of the Expedition dead. Over a 100 years later we are still fuzzy on what EXACTLY happened, but apart from the arctic chill, there is also evidence of faulty canned food, a series of bad decisions, and cannibalism. Caution advised for this series.

I also recommend the rest of Diamanda Hagan’s channel. She is NOT for everyone, but if you enjoy somebody reviewing Z grade indie movies as well as just BIZARRE films, really bad Christian media bordering on Science Fiction (without making fun of religion itself) hot takes of classic (and modern) Dr. Who, an introduction to Red Dwarf, She’s an EXCELLENT channel to check out.

Good Bad or Bad Bad: Pass Thru

A half podcast half review show where two guys watch a terrible film, decide if it’s “Good” Bad or just Bad Bad and tell you if you should watch it too.

That’s it. That’s the whole show.

I recommend diving into the untold madness that is one of the best(?) bad film makers currently still producing batshit insane movies, the immortal Niel Breen.

There is literally nothing I can say that’ll prepare you for Niel Breen.

(I also recommend their more recent video for “Dancin’ It’s on!”)

History Buffs: Apollo 13

Do you like History? Do you like movies ABOUT History? Do you want to know if the movies about history you watch actually resemble what really happened in any way at all? History Buffs is an EXCELLENT channel, which does talk about the merit of a film itself, but is mainly focused on letting you know just how true to life that historical film you watch is. I highly recommend his longest video which covers the space race between the USA and the USSR, leading to what is known as “The most Successful Failure in NASA’s History”. The Infamous Apollo 13 and where the words “Houston, we have a problem” came from.

If you’re not interested in Apollo 13 however, I also recommend his video on the movie Casino, as well as his video on the female philosopher, Agora.

The Internet Historian: The Goodening of No Man’s Sky

With videos with literally MILLIONS of views, you probably already know the Internet Historian. But I still want to recommend him very highly because his videos are just THAT good and entertaining. I recommend his newest video, documenting that time we were all pissed off about No Man’s Sky, the difficulties the game studio was in when the game released, and how they have been working hard to finally create what is now a truly brilliant game which is winning major awards. A really good underdog story of how a video game company actually saw what was wrong with their game, and FIXED it.

I also recommend his video on Fallour 76 as well as the Failure of Dashcon

8 Creepy Video game mysteries

Hey. Did you know that sometimes there’s some REALLY weird shit in video games, hidden easter eggs which took literal decades to find as well as just a lot of “what the actual fuck?”. Oddheader is a channel with a dedicated discord and Reddit form solely focusing on trying to find or replicate bizarre video game finds, mysteries, and hidden glitches. Even if it means getting in his car and driving to a specific arcade just to check a rumour about Street Fighter II’s arcade version. So if you like getting spooked by weird game shit that’s not just some dumb creepypasta, this is a great place to start.

I also recommend his video on weird discoveries in DVDs and movies.

Red Letter Media: Best of the Worst

Look you already know who Red Letter Media is.

You know... these guys:

Here’s a video of them and Macaulay Culkin watching 3 terrible movies together.

I recommend literally any and all of their videos. Their discussion on Carpenter’s The Thing is amazing.

The Impact of Akira: The film that changed Everything

Ok trying to pick just ONE Super Eyepatch Wolf video is literal torture. Originally I was going to suggest his recent video on Final Fantasy 7 for the PSone but I realised I recommended something FF7 related with Clemps, so instead I will recommend The Impact of Akira, a video talking in depth about Akira both as a film as well as a manga, how it completely and utterly changed the anime industry both in Japan as well as the west, and why it is still a meaningful and one of the most important anime/manga even to this day, still being unsurpassed despite so much competition.

However, ALL of Wolf’s videos are incredible, so I also recommend his videos on wrestling (despite me not caring about wrestling at all), His video on how media scares us, The bizarre reality of modern Simpsons, Why the Dragon Ball Z manga is great, and literally any other video he’s made. He hasn’t made one bad video yet.

Was Oblivion as Good as I remember?

Exactly what it says on the tin. The Salt Factory goes back to playing The Elder Scrolls Oblivion and now with hindsight and modern sensibilities, gives feedback on his experience and whether Oblivion still holds up. This isn’t a super in depth review of the game’s mechanics or how its put together or how it was made. This is simply one guy talking about his experience replaying it with somejokes thrown in and how he felt revisiting it. It’s pretty good.

I also recommend the video he did on Morrowind (because I’m biased).

Weird Japan Only PS1 games

Thor High Heels is SO GOOD and deserves SO MUCH MORE subs than he currently has. THH focuses a lot of obscure and lesser known games as well as big popular titles like the Yakuza series, talking about what he likes about them, what he thinks is cool, and just what kind of atmosphere and mood a certain game has, even if the game itself is kind of ass. He’s done several videos on games that were only released in Japan, as well as videos talking about the fashion in Squaresoft games and how it inspired as well as was inspired by real world street fashion, the aesthetic of PC-98 games and other topics. He also styles his videos and thumbnails after promotional art for video games from the 90s and generally just has an excellent style to his channel over all. Very chill.

Blue Reflection Review

ValkyrieAurora is a channel run by Sophie where she talks about games she personally likes and enjoys. Her videos are really laid back and her voice is really calm and pleasant to listen to. She’s made a bit of a reputation for herself as “The channel that talks about the Atelier Games” and general is just a really enjoyable channel worth checking out if you just want something soothing to listen to.

Ancient Chinese Historians Describe Japan

Voices from the Past is a channel were historical text is read out loud in english. These can be anything like the above video where Chinese historians describe the people of Japan around 297 AD, Accounts of “Dog-Men”, or the worlds oldest letter of complaint from 1750 BC. If you’d like something interesting historically to listen to but don’t want a full blown history lesson, this is a really good way to hear contemporary people talk about their experiences and what they thought about each other in their own words, without opinions or input given by the narrator.

The Most Mysterious Song on the Internet

Whang! is a channel that covers weird internet stories, some horrifying, some curious and interesting, and some just plain weird. His video on The Most Mysterious Song on the Internet and its update, are about a song which was recorded off the radio in Germany around the 1980s, and after one person online asked if anyone knew who the artist was as they couldn’t find any information, led to the realization that NOBODY online knows where this song came from or who sang it. It’s a fun mystery to look into that, unlike some others on this list, is not creepy or unsettling, although perhaps a little frustrating.

I also recommend his video on The Most Mysterious Anime theme song, and the haunted Ebay Painting.

5 Lost, Destroyed, and Locked away Broadcasts

Yesterworld is similar to the Defunctland channel in that it talks about obsolete rides, theme parks and other forgotten pieces of entertainment. Although the majority of the channel focuses on movie rides, rollercoasters and Disneyland, I recommend the video on lost and locked away broadcasts which you can no longer see. I also recommend the video about Lost and Rediscovered movie props.

The Nightmare Artist

I talked about this one recently as I just discovered this channel. This video is about the renowned Polish artist Zdzislaw Beksinski who painted surreal and horrifying paintings during his lifetime. There is no mystery here or anything like that, it merely talks about the impact WWII left on Beksinski and how the trauma his country and people suffered influenced his painting, and how certain images and motifs can be seen to directly reference this terrible part of Poland’s history.

Disabilities in Prehistory

Modern media likes to portray how “savage” the ancient past is, and tell us stories of how any person born with a deformity or disability would be thrown over a cliff or dumped in a well because they would be too big a drain on a community to look after. But here’s the thing... according to archaeological evidence, it turns out our ancient ancestors actually did their best to look after its disabled members to the best of their abilities. This video talks about archaeological finds of people who had genetic disabilities and what we can learn from their remains. TREY the Explainer is a great channel for archaeology and also talking about what answers we could have for sightings of cryptids. (not ALL of which we have answers for)

I also recommend his video on Pre-Contact dogs as well as Homosexuality in Nature and the Genetic History of the Ainu.

Decoding “The Secret: A treasure Hunt”

“The Secret” was an art book released in the 80s full of beautiful paintings, but it is also more than that. The book has a fantasy story talking about 12 fantastical races who left wonderful treasures for humans to find,and the book’s paintings and riddles will tell you where you can find each of these treasures which are yours to keep if you can solve the puzzle... and the treasures are 100% true and can actualy be found and claimed, if you can solve the riddles in the book. The video tells the story of the artbook, who was behind it, what the treasures are, how many have been found and various other facts and details.

I also recommend the videos on this channel “The Game: A scavenger Hunt” and “The investigation of Erratas”.

5 Ancient Inventions That Were WAY Ahead Of Their Time

I would recommend you be careful with this channel as its main focus is existentialism and rather alarming topics such as “how close are we to the apocalypse” and other things whose titles alone are enough to upset me. However this video is nothing like that. This video is exactly what the title suggests it is. 5 ancient inventions that were so incredibly ahead of their time you’d think they were made up. From the computer used by ancient Greeks to steel swords we don’t know how to replicate, this video is a great mix of mystery and history.

Although I caution you with this channel, I recommend Joe’s other videos about mysterious books, as well as his video on the most inbred people in history.

However, I know I keep repeating this, I highly recommend caution with this channel. Perhaps its just me and the topics of life and existent are just triggering for me, but I’d recommend maybe just doing a search for the titles I mentioned and not to go searching through the video library unless you’re not bothered by this kind of thing.

-

Anyway I could keep going, but I think that’s a LARGE amount of videos to keep you occupied for the time being as well as some suggestions for further viewing.

Please enjoy, let me know if you found something interesting, and look after yourself!

If you enjoyed this list at all, please consider tipping me for a coffee

☕️ Ko-fi ☕️

[ipsomaniac]

Thoughts on the 2010 Globe version of Henry IV Part I, which I rewatched last night (definitely got a lot more out of it than when I saw it live back in the day, to which I think my main takeout was just, “ha ha, Falstaff funny”). Lengthy rambles below:

- Obviously this version brings out the comedy of the play brilliantly. What I really like about the specific mode of humour is how it is the vehicle for the cruelty of the main characters - particularly Hal. The really funny moments are also very barbed and tense: watching the play I laughed a lot but always in an unsettled, uneasy way. Like, the pranks Hal pulls on Falstaff, the insults he throws at him: always hilarious but in a kind of, “jeeeeeeeeezzzz. yikes. wow he went there” kind of way. From their very first scene. You really do feel sorry for Falstaff, even though (at least in Part I) he’s always able to bounce back and give tit for tat. Parker and Allam play it brilliantly: with Parker bringing just enough seriousness to the delivery of his insults, and Allam giving just enough of a pause before diving back into the reparté, to indicate that the blow has struck home. These pauses leave just enough space for the audience to really understand the force of these insults.

- And then the “anon anon sir” bit: again, one of the funniest bits of the play, but utterly brutal because the victim is an impoverished uneducated serving boy of slow wit who just has no standing or ability whatsoever to parry the joke. And like, the best part of that whole bit is when Hal promises the boy, “I’ll give you a thousand pounds, ask me for it whenever”; Poins calls the boy from offstage; boy chimes out, “anon anon sir!”; and Hal says, “I mean I’ll give it to you but not right now.... ask me tomorrow!” And it’s the best written joke in the whole scene but it’s also completely fucked up how Hal uses his power and wealth to toy with this powerless kid like a cat playing with a mouse. As often happens in Shakespeare, the funniest bits are the cruelest (thinking bout Malvolio....)

- Seriously, what the fuck is up with Hal? His favourite passtime is bullying poor people. And athough he has clear disdain for them, he is obsessed with them (or with Falstaff specifically) - he won’t leave them alone.

- This version really brings out the homoeroticism of the play, I think in the right ways. It doesn’t try to translate that homoeroticism into modern notions of queerness/gay identity, but it also doesn’t shy away from just how much charge and innuendo there is in that direction. And this homoeroticism is inextricably bound up in Hal’s cruelty and insecurity. The bit where Hal imitates Hotspur coming home to his wife and acts out the "give my roan horse a drench” innuendo; and then during the “anon anon sir” bit when Hal spills beer/sack on the boy and then suckles it off his shirt... basically Hal is just super mean and insecure and horny for men he despises. And tbh the psychosexual element of it is so overt to me that at times it feels a lot more transgressive than just having some dudes kiss on stage. We’re just fully subjected to the full force of Hal’s weird sado-masochistic class complex.

- Also, although there are lots of references to whores and whoring, Hal basically doesn’t interact with any women in the play (aside from Mistress Quickly for 2 seconds) and this version doesn’t have him interact with nonspeaking background wenches. He’s simply having a very homosocial old time with the lads at all times. Good for him.

- In particular, Roger Allam’s performance really brought out for me just how effeminitely Falstaff is coded. Obviously there’s the fact that everyone, particularly Hal, is absolutely fixated on Falstaff’s effeminite physical traits, his fleshy corpulence, his roundness, his red cheeks... But it’s also embedded in Falstaff’s campness and the language he uses to relate to Hal. In his very first appearance, Falstaff jokingly accuses Hal of corrupting him:

“Thou...art indeed able to corrupt a saint. Thou hast done much harm upon me, Hal, God forgive thee for it. Before I knew thee, Hal, I knew nothing, and now am I, if a man should speak truly, little better than one of the wicked. I must give over this life, and I will give it over.”

The cadence and language here (especially in Allam’s performance) evokes a hysterical fallen woman accusing her seducer. You really want to finish the clause, “before I knew thee, Hal,” with “I was a virgin”: that’s the sentiment here, literally embedded in the innuendo of “knew”, and even if it’s jokingly made, to have Falstaff position himself so effeminately in relation to Hal this early on is very pointed, I think. This campy coyness, especially when Falstaff is ironically “playing innocent”, is peppered throughout the play (“Thou seest I have more flesh than another man and therefore more frailty.”)

- There’s also a striking parallel between Hotspur/Kate and Hal/Falstaff. The hot-and-cold way Hotspur mistreats his wife through heated flirtation followed by abrupt rejection, crystalises the same dynamic with Hal and Falstaff. They bait each other and bicker like a married couple; their barbed reparté expresses a kind of lustful antagonism: they give off strong Who’s Afraid of Virigina Woolf vibes. Falstaff is Hal’s wife.

- Given Falstaff’s campness/effeminicy, the scene where he eviscerates Mistress Quickly is interesting. On the one hand you don’t necessarily have to read loads into it; can be understood as standard misogynistic humour. But the sudden viciousness of it - “go, you thing, go”; “she’s neither fish nor flesh; a man knows not where to have her” - feels both compensatory (Falstaff using misogyny to assert his own masculinity), performative (the performance is for Hal) and also smells of a type of misogyny stereotypically characteristic of gay men; the implied repugnance towards female genitalia, the disdain for the superfluous sex. Probs reading too much into it (he’s also simply lashing out cos she’s reminding him of the debts he owes her) but it’s an interesting moment.

- This play really keeps overtly telling you what is going to happen. The directness with which Hal, again from the very first scene, continually tells Falstaff that one day he is going to fuck him over. The extempore scene where Hal and Falstaff take turns to play the king is particularly good because it explicitly foreshadows two confrontations that are already clearly structurally inevitable: the confrontation Hal will have with his father later in Part I, and the eventual moment when Hal will publicly cast off Falstaff in Part II. To me this also adds to the barbed aspect of the play: as much as Hal and Falstaff love to flirt, as much as they like to play with the power dynamics, we are constantly reminded of the stark reality of that power dynamic and the inevitability of how this is going to pan out.

[spookyblackwidow]

Fanfic request: Natasha's having nightmares and is getting super sleep deprived and it's kind of making her sick, and Clint notices and confronts her about it?

Author’s note: Nightmares are literally one of my favorite things to write about?? BLESS YOU. This is way longer than anticipated, but I hope you enjoy!

Weakness

2552 words

Natasha jolted awake, sweat beading on her forehead, a gun clutched in her hand, trained on an imaginary threat. The fear faded, slowly, as she became aware of her familiar surroundings, the antique furniture of the bedroom in her primary safe house just outside New York City. She shook off the dream and forced her ragged breathing to slow, an attempt to counteract her racing heart. It was just past 2 a.m., and, although she hadn’t been asleep long, she had enough experience to know she’d be awake for quite a while.

The glow of streetlights seeped through the blinds, softly illuminating strips of laminate beneath her feet. She made her way to the kitchen, resisting the innate urge to flip on lights and ensure her safety, certain enough of her movements and the reality that the danger she’d just emerged from would remain firmly in her mind, unable to creep out into existence. Realism and denial were programmed into her, a staunch refusal to take things at face value ingrained over years of reprogramming, the aliases and brainwashing that never seemed to end, no light at the end of a labyrinth. Tunnels were too linear, too neat, too easy to navigate. Her life had been a messy nightmare she couldn’t quite shake, no matter how much time had passed since she’d defected, since she’d last been unmade.

The kettle whistled, an agonizingly sharp whine burrowing its way into her exhausted brain. She swore under her breath and turned off the burner, annoyed she’d gotten so wrapped up inside her thoughts she’d lost awareness of her surroundings. Something wound through her legs, further startling her, the black shadow begging for attention, acknowledgement, anything.

“Fucking hell, Liho,” Natasha grumbled into her steaming mug of tea, her perpetually icy fingers clutching the ceramic, greedily absorbing its warmth. Carefully stepping around the way-too-fucking-alert cat, she settled into an oversized chair and clicked on a lamp, the pale light fighting against the encroaching darkness an all too familiar sight.

She picked up a book, its spine cracked, the edges worn and faded, a relic from a previous life, from back when she could dissociate enough to get lost in a story. It was one of the few things she’d carried with her into the Red Room, always safely stashed away under a mattress, stuffed in a threadbare pillowcase, buried within a carefully carved hole in the wall. She wasn’t quite sure how she’d managed to hold onto it through all the identities she’d been given, and whatever original meaning it had held was gone, but she liked the idea of having a tangible reminder of the innocent girl she’d once been. She’d tried night after night for years, but she couldn’t bring herself to read it, opting instead to study the dog-eared corners, the inked drawings scattered throughout, mostly doodles scribbled by unknown hands, each an everlasting mark of the book’s history.

Natasha paged through it, seeing but not comprehending the Cyrillic characters of her native tongue. This had become her nightly ritual, a way to detach from whatever horrible vision had awoken her, actions that would hopefully calm her enough to be able to sleep again, although it was never for long. How many years had she been sleeping so fitfully? Her whole life? Or maybe just the last several identities? She’d lost too much time, too much trust in reality to ever be sure. She closed her eyes, but she knew there’d be no more rest before sunrise.

Morning crept in, sunlight inching its way in through the windows, a warm hue that she might’ve derived pleasure from if this hadn’t been the eighteenth morning in a row she’d sat in the same chair, agonizingly awake, witnessing the same dreadful reminder that she’d soon be expected to do things. As it was nearing six, she figured she had just enough time to shower, get dressed, and wash her mug before the first message from Nick would arrive; after so many years working together, he was aware that she was typically an early riser, a fact he took full advantage of. Sure enough, she was placing the mug back in the cupboard when she got the call to come in.

She considered making breakfast, but her stomach turned, the mere idea of eating seemed revolting. The dull ache behind her eyes reminded her that skipping another meal was definitely not what she should be doing, but the food aversion won out, a side effect she’d mentally catalogued and shoved aside long ago.

Her debriefing was short—a routine tracking job, a potential hit, more busy work than anything. Nick handed her a new identity to become familiar with in the event she was cornered, along with one for Clint; it was officially a Strike Team: Delta mission, not that she needed the help, although she would be grateful for the company. As always, they’d improvise, no overly complex maneuvers, no extraction plan. All she needed now was her dumbass best friend to show up on time.

Nick left her to wait in his office, which, under normal circumstances wouldn’t bother her, but the leather chair and wide windows felt too much like home in the most literal sense, and she was getting restless. She stood—too quickly, she soon realized—and paced, her empty stomach complaining, small bursts of light dancing in her peripherals. She blinked away the spots, certain they’d been gold, although they’d simply been white earlier, as they should be. No, they shouldn’t be there at all.

Clint entered as she returned to her seat, physically drained, her head fuzzy and aching. His smile was exuberant, but his eyes flickered with concern, a quick once-over confirming that something was very much not okay with Nat. He shot her a knowing look before pasting the smile back on for Nick’s benefit; Clint acted like an idiot most of the time, but he knew better than to let anyone else worry about his best friend.

Natasha let her eyes track the birds flitting past the windows, slightly iridescent rock pigeons swooping about, bouncing across various ledges and sills, their feathers ruffling in the breeze. She was only faintly aware of Nick droning on in the background, her mind miles away, drifting somewhere among the birds. Clouds of smoke billowed up outside, the thick grey choking out parts of the city, flooding her vision until she could see nothing else. Her muscles tensed, heart rate steadily increasing, the flood of cortisol effectively convincing her this was how it all ended. She closed her eyes, anticipating a flash of heat, pain, and then nothing.

“Nat?” Clint placed a hand on hers, the rough pad of his thumb gently rubbing circles across her white knuckles, a familiar and instinctive action they rarely let others witness. She could hear the strain in his voice, thinly disguised as annoyance, nearly every part of their lives some sort of act, a far cry from who they were together, who they wanted to be. Having felt no other change, her body still intact, she slowly opened her eyes, blinking away the previous fogginess, restoring her sight to normal.

“Sorry, I got a little lost in thought there.” She smiled weakly, just enough to shake off concern, but not too much to raise suspicion. “Where were we?”

“Reviewing your identities. I shouldn’t have to remind you that being well-versed in your backstory could make the difference between life and death,” Nick said.

She struggled to focus through the rest of the meeting, her mind straying to the horrors that had been keeping her up at night, the visions that she knew would never truly leave her, rather mutating into increasingly unsettling versions of themselves, morphing with other memories and fears. The red in her ledge had merged with her vivid imagination, creating monstrosities she didn’t care to reveal to anyone, as letting them out of her mind, giving voice to the atrocities, would only spread the nightmare, infecting her most trusted friends with the concepts, irreparably contaminating their thoughts and dreams. She knew he would ask, as he always had in times like these, but she wouldn’t share, couldn’t willingly harm him. The secrecy would hurt him enough, he didn’t need to allow her worst fears to become his own.

He waited for the elevator doors to close before confronting her, one hand wrapped firmly around her bicep, the other pivoting her shoulder so she’d face him. Normally she’d fight back, at the very least pry his fingers off her arm, but fighting this seemed pointless. Instead, she fought the resurfacing image from the night before, the pain of Clint following through on Loki’s promise. They stood in silence a few moments as he studied her.

“You’re not sleeping, are you.” It was not a question but a final conclusion, spot-on, as always.

“Not for lack of trying.” She shrugged as much as she was able to in his grasp, which had let up only slightly.

“Nightmares again?”

“Mmhmm.”

“Want to talk about it?”

“Not really. My bad dreams aren’t really your concern.”

“Of course they are! Do you think I like seeing you like this? My best friend, sick, practically a zombie!” He finally released her arm to run his fingers through his hair in exasperation.

“For fuck’s sake, I’m not a zombie, I’m just tired,” she scowled.

“Jesus Christ, Nat.” He watched her thin fingers tap restlessly against her thigh, a telling tic she was too weak to suppress. “Have you even eaten today?”

“Not hungry.”

“Bullshit. We’re getting food in you.” Clint pushed the button for the main floor, and they descended in tense silence. She closed her eyes again, ignoring the spots in her vision, focusing solely on keeping her breathing steady as another nightmare returned to rear its head. Memories of who she used to be, the torment she suffered at the hands of her superiors, the unspeakable crimes she’d committed. Mangled screams, her hands red and bloodied, endless lists of her victims, the names half-remembered at best.

He shoved her through the lobby, down the street, and in the closest door advertising food. It was a cheap pizza joint, one he frequented after missions, usually while intoxicated, but it was the quickest option at the moment. She opened her mouth to protest, to argue that her standard of living was above eating at dollar by-the-slice pizza places that were a far cry from anything resembling a restaurant, but was immediately met with a stern glare.

“Eat.” Clint shoved a paper plate into her hands, a greasy slice of pizza covering most of it. She grimaced and took a small bite, fully aware he wouldn’t let her leave until he’d decided she’d eaten enough. It had been a few months since they’d last gone through this routine, but his food choices had not improved.

“You couldn’t have taken me some place a little nicer? I though you knew how to show a girl a good time.”

“I’ll buy you a proper meal when you learn how to feed yourself. You know, most people gorge on junk food when they’re sleep deprived.”

“I’m much more familiar with fasting.” She set her crust down on the plate, unable to force herself to finish it. “Besides, caffeine is a wonderful appetite suppressant.”

“It’s also a stimulant that can prevent you from sleeping.”

“That’s not about the caffeine, and you know it,” she snapped.

“Then tell me about it! And don’t give me some bullshit about protecting me, I’m not falling for it. You need to work through what’s keeping you awake before it kills you.”

“What part of my hellish life isn’t coming back to haunt me?” she scoffed. “My past, present, potential future. It’s all fucked, Clint, and there’s nothing you can do about it.”

“You wanna bet?” He smiled, a mischievous glint in his eyes.

“Clinton Francis Barton, what the hell are you planning now?”

…

Later that night, Natasha sat staring at her book, gently stroking a very happy Liho who was curled up in her lap, anxiously waiting for Clint to arrive. He’d refused to tell her anything—claimed it was better if she didn’t know—and now he was late, despite the fact that he had set the time. The clock in her kitchen seemed louder than usual, the incessant ticking of the second hand stabbing at her aching head. She was moments away from breaking it when the doorbell rang. Clint was smiling, a duffle bag slung over his shoulder.

“What’s in the bag?”

“Don’t worry about it.”

“Clint.”

“My stuff. I’m spending the night.”

“Like hell you are!” She started to close the door, but he braced himself against the doorframe and caught the edge.

“Hear me out, Nat. Please. You owe it to yourself to try.”

“Why on earth would you think this is a good idea?” Natasha crossed her arms, but she stepped back, allowing him into her safe house.

“You trust me—don’t even try to argue with me on that. Your unconscious mind is playing off your deepest fears, and you have no method of self-assurance that you’re not who you used to be. But if we trust each other enough to be openly vulnerable, how could you still be that girl? There’s also the added bonus of having an actual Avenger to protect you.”

“I hate you,” she laughed softly and smacked his arm, “but you have a point. One night, that’s it. And you’re sleeping on the floor.”

…

“Nat, please, I know you’re in there somewhere.” Clint was lying at her feet, bloodied, bruised, a blade pressed to the soft flesh beneath his jaw, the knife clutched in her hand. She scanned the room, taking in the lifeless forms of Steve, Sam, Nick. This was her body, but it was full of someone else’s idea of who she should be, the brainwashed identity pulled from the depths of her mind.

“Fallaces sunt rerum species,” she hissed. With an expert flick of her wrist, she severed his jugular and watched him bleed out.

“Nat? Nat!”

She woke in a cold sweat to find Clint, alive and well, shaking her shoulders. It was dark, but the panic was clear in the shadowed lines of his face, and, after a moment, she realized she’d been crying.

“Shh, it’s okay, it’s over.” He laid down next to her and gently wiped her tears, his voice low and soothing.

“I—I killed you,” she whispered.

“Then I guess I’m the zombie now.” He grinned and instinctively flinched, expecting her to hit him.

“You’re an idiot.” Despite her best efforts, she smiled back and hoped he wouldn’t see. She cared far too much for this particular idiot, but letting that show was dangerous, a weakness she’d been trained not to let slip. But moments like these, when they were alone, allowed to be themselves, were treasured memories, the things she longed to dream about instead.

Natasha would never admit it, but Clint’s presence was comforting, so she let him stay in her bed. Curled up in his arms, her head resting on his chest, she let the steady rhythm of his heart lull her into the best sleep she’d had in weeks.

[dreadhaus-literature]

“Evidence.”

“Guys...don’t panic but...I think we’re in Silent Hill.”

All heads in the party swiveled toward Michael “Booster Gold” Carter, who was looking around the horrifying landscape with his mouth agape. Beside him, Wade “Deadpool” Wilson had a matching expression, visible under his mask, but the duo that made up “DeadGold” or “Boosterpool” or “DeadBooster” or “PoolGold” (arguably the dumbest out of all the name combinations based on a Haus poll that nearly broke the network in everyone’s rush to condemn it) were the only two who didn’t seem to know this was the intended place to be.

Tony “Iron Man” Stark was looking between the two besties with his trademark “you’re an idiot” face, his square jaw tightening for a moment or two before he spoke.

“Yeah, what was your first piece of evidence to that, Booster, was it the giant fucking sign to our right?” Tony didn’t miss a beat. “And why the hell are you two here, again?”

“Because, Daddy-in-law, Mommi’s here!” Wade threw his gloved hands up with a squeal of unbridled excitement.

Tony’s lip all but curled. “I’ve told you about calling me that--”

“Can you be my Daddy-in-law, too?” Michael cut in. “I’ll marry one of your other sons if you want to make it like, really official. Or would marrying Wade be enough--”

“Mikey~” Wade all but purred. “If you want to propose to me you’ve got to do it on both knees, holding one of my hands and one of Mommi’s hands--”

“Touch her and I’m sending you two to the Otherworld.” Carol “Captain Marvel” Danvers was another member of this particular party, and she was giving Michael and Wade a look that said she meant what she said, but she shot Monica a grin and a wink when the smaller woman looked up at her.

“So this isn’t the Otherworld?” Michael looked around, unfamiliar with this particular place. Wade, on the other hand, was not. He’s irritated Alessa enough to be sent here before.

“Nopey nope, this is the Smog World.”

...But apparently that still wasn’t enough for him to actually learn something.

“Fog World,” Monica corrected gently, unable to help looking away when Wade turned the full brunt of his suffocating attention on her.

“Oh Mommi you’re so smart!” Wade threw his heavily muscled arms around her petite shoulders, nuzzling his masked cheek against hers.

“What did I tell you about touching her?” Carol cut in, half-joking, but it was Tony who pinched Wade’s masked ear between two of his fingers and hauled him off Monica.

“Move it, buddy, I need to get started with the reason we’re all here.” Tony didn’t add it was because he was selfish and every time someone touched Monica who wasn’t him (or best buddy Al or Batsy Bruce) he got prickly.

“Why are we here?” Monica asked. “I was joking when I told Dottie I’d want to tackle Silent Hill if I got a kiddie version of it. I don’t really need to tame Silent Hill. I’d be okay if I didn’t.”

Tony’s smile reached his eyes listening to Monica speak and he couldn’t resist pressing a kiss to her forehead as he attached something similar to his glowing arc reactor to the front of her shirt with careful, loving fingers. A Daddy’s mindful touch.

“I wanted to test the newest prototype for your Safety Suit,” Tony explained. “Carebear needs to be here because she keeps teasing me about how your suit isn’t very safe--”

“Ohmygod you call her Carebear?!” Michael looked between Tony and Carol with a boyish grin, blond hair bouncing. Wade had his gloved hands clasped to his cheek.

Carol slowly slid her gaze to Tony, who wasn’t looking at her but rather using nimble, calloused fingers to gingerly adjust the reactor on Monica’s chest. The fog was so dense around them it swirled between his fingers and despite the group standing so close together, occasionally visibility between them dipped and cast each other in ominous shadow. The Family was safe and together but the ambiance of Silent Hill couldn’t be ignored and Monica gave in to a little chill that was partly due to the ice of the fog (who knew fog could be so cold?) and partly because...they were in Silent Hill.

“I’m going to regret asking this, but...what does S.A.F.E.T.Y. stand for?” Carol slipped her leather jacket off after noticing Monica shiver, slipping it around her little’s petite shoulders. “Here you go, baby,” she murmured quietly, rubbing her hands up and down Monica’s arms to help bring some warmth back to her sun-kissed skin.

“T-Thank you, Carol.”

“Mommy,” Carol winked back, before Tony answered the first question--partly in an attempt to stop Carol flirting with Monica.

“Safely Affording Felina Effective Tranquility Yearly.”

Carol blinked, several times. “...What?”

“Okay, Spaceface, you come up with a better acronym for SAFETY.” Tony straightened up, giving absolutely zero time for Carol to do that--mostly because no one upstages Tony Stark, especially in front of his little girl. “I didn’t know a Safety Suit needed an acronym when what it does is in the title.”

“Well I mean it makes sense to me,” Michael cut in, scratching his head. “With the acronym you know it’s Felina’s safety suit. Like it’s supposed to keep her safe, not anyone else.”

Tony gestured with one hand toward Michael, but Carol was not impressed.

“You’re taking a Win from Wade’s best friend?”

Tony shrugged one broad shoulder. “I’ve taken one from Barton so what’s the difference?”

Carol laughed. “Fine, you got me there. So this suit is actually going to work?”

“T-The suits always work!!” Monica couldn’t help interject, giving her little arms a flap inside Carol’s jacket. “I’m just a wuss!”

“You’re not a wuss, angel.” Tony shook his dark head, giving her a charming smile. “But this way, Daddy gets to be the one to keep you safe. And to answer your ill-phrased question, Bestie, this suit works like a charm. She’ll be able to see and interact with the monsters she encounters but they won’t be able to see her to fuck with her.”

“Yeah, that was a huge problem with the last one.” Carol couldn’t help but jab at her best friend once more, who looked none too pleased about that.

“I’m going to ignore you’re making it sound like it’s my fault monsters act like monsters and just move on to the demonstration of Monica’s amazing new suit.” Tony reached out and tapped two fingers on the reactor secured to Monica’s chest and instantly, the same nanites that make up Tony’s trademark armor were sliding over Monica’s body like a warm hug, almost as if she had warm honey pouring over her. The helmet was the final touch and before the alloy faceplate slid over her, Tony leaned down and stole a kiss.

In a matter of seconds Monica was encased in her own Iron Armor (not the first she’s ever owned, Tony works on improvements to her Iron Armor all the time) but this particular prototype was exclusively for any horror realities and simulations Monica may find herself in, such as exploring the world of her Soma game. It resembled Tony’s armor in design (selfishly, possessively, he wanted anyone who saw her in it to know he’d made it for her) but fit her perfectly and was decorated in the most beautiful sea-sapphire blue. The reactor in her chest was shaped like the infinity symbol (what he knew to be her favorite) and within the helmet Monica was connected to JARVIS as well as her own GHOST AI, working in tandem to help keep her from being overloaded with information at any given moment.

“How’s it feel, honey?” Carol came around the front and as Monica turned to look at her, the interface put a little square around her face and began listing Carol’s name, stats, and threat level--which of course was at zero, since Carol would never hurt Monica.

“It feels good! Really cool--Daddy can I fly?!” Monica turned to Tony, who couldn’t help but laugh and nod.

“Of course. You’ve got my repulsor tech just like in your Armor.”

Michael and Wade, meanwhile, were ooo’ing and aww’ing as they walked in circles around Monica, all but fanboying at seeing their favorite girl looking like the badass super-villain she was, clad head to toe in armor that would protect her from any and all threats.

“So that’s why we’re here. We need to test the new tech against some monsters and where better than Silent Hill?” Tony looked up, though he wasn’t exactly sure how this worked. “Uh, Alessa? We’re ready, go ahead and start.”

It seemed the little girl was listening because as soon as Tony finished speaking, the air raid siren started up, screaming it’s fury as the fog rushed from around them as if a giant had taken a single, deep breath. The eerie light that seemed to come from nowhere and everywhere dissipated and was replaced by the darkest night any of them had seen, as if the giant had then swallowed them whole. The siren shrieked it’s outrage one final time before dying in the darkness and leaving stark silence in it’s wake...

...but that didn’t last long.

The sound of heavy flesh being dragged along asphalt reached the group’s ears and even inside her armor, the sound was a little unsettling to Monica’s ears. Out of the darkness directly in front of them came something that...resembled roadkill. It was mangled, bloody and oozing, and it’s limbs were at horrid angles as it dragged itself relentlessly forward--but it’s slow pace quickened as it “saw” them. Monica had no idea how, it didn’t seem to have a head, only limbs and a mangled body mass that would likely crush any of them if it connected with them. And it seemed to be barreling toward them like a runaway semi, further adhering itself to it’s “roadkill” imagery.

“All right sweetie, what’s the armor telling you about it?” Tony stepped a bit to the side, and as Monica continued to stare at the creature, the interface relayed information back to her.

“I-It’s called Carrion? I g-guess it’s like roadkill?” She swallowed thickly. “It’s danger level is listed as high, should--should we move?”

“No no, this is perfect. Tell the suit to activate stealth mode.”

Monica repeated the command and she overheard JARVIS’s confirmation, “Cloaking complete. You are now hidden, madam, and virtually undetectable.”

Monica turned to look at Tony. “JARVIS says I’m invisible? Am I--”

“WHOA MAMI YOU ARE INVISIBLE!” Michael exclaimed, and Wade was cheering.

Carol actually looked impressed. “Wow, Tone. This might actually work.”

“Yeah yeah I’m amazing and it’s about time everyone got on board with that,” Tony snagged Michael and Wade by the back of their shirts. “Come on, out of the way, I need to see if that thing can detect her at all and you idiots are in the way.”

“Pete says I am the way~”

“My son would never say that.”

“He does in my dreams.”

“It’s okay, Wade. I’ll say you’re the way.”

“Mikey have I told you that you’re my best friend--”

Monica had to bite her lip to stop the giggle as Carol literally knocked Wade and Michael’s heads together, the quad moving a little to the side of Monica, all eyes turning to the hulking mass that had been barreling down the road at them. As the group moved, it’s focus on Monica seemed to break and it slowed it’s pace down to it’s creeping crawl, heaving itself forward on broken, disjointed limbs as if trying to find her again--but to no avail. Even as it got close enough for Monica to reach out and touch (something she really didn’t want to do) it didn’t seem to know where she was and as she took a few steps back, she realized the shock absorption on her suit boots made her completely silent when she moved. Monica was safe as safe could be!

Which was a good thing, because despite all the safety precautions in place (and knowing Alessa would never let anything happen to her Mommi) Carol was still standing there with her sparkle fists at the ready to blast that thing into yet another dimension if something went wrong.

“Oh come on, Bestie, have a little faith in my designs.” Tony turned to Carol, gesturing at her hands. “It’s like you don’t believe in me at all.”

“Yeah, I’m not stroking your ego, Tony, that’s what the girls are for.”

“Uh, guys.” Michael tried to cut in.

“You could every once in a while. Even Al gives me compliments.”

“Good for Al, why didn’t you bring him?”

“Because I wanted to show you my suit worked!”

“Guys...” Wade tried this time.

Carol shook her blonde head. “I’ll be convinced it works when babygirl isn’t scared.”

“Yeah but if she never gets scared we’ll never get to hear her squeal again and who the hell wants that? No one, Carebear, no one wants that.”

“GUYS MAYBE NOW IS A GOOD TIME TO TELL US WE HAVE SAFETY SUITS TOO.” Michael finally started shouting to be heard, and when Tony turned to face him...he and Carol realized the monster, having lost sight of Monica, was now facing them. “BECAUSE IT LOOKS HANGRY.”

“Oh Daddy-in-law~ You did...pack us safety suits too, right?” Wade asked. “Because I didn’t bring my shooty-stabbies on this trip so a suit would be awesome right now.”

The creature let out an inhuman bellow of rage and started it’s charge, just in time for Tony to sheepishly say--

“I did specify the safety suit was just for Felina, right?”

[swingbeard]

Matt’s Top 7 Games of 2017

2017 was a weird year.

At times, it was hard to focus on games.

On a global scale, we found ourselves often transfixed on news both positive and negative; in my opinion, it was often more of the latter. Games became an afterthought in a lot of ways. 

But at times, it was easy to focus on games.

They provided a sanctuary, a place to take a breather and relax, to joke and laugh and have fun with friends or on my own. Even at times when the subject matter of some games took on relevance to real world issues, it was still fascinating and an escape in a way but a thoughtful one.

With this all in mind, I still wanted to take some time to celebrate some games I very much enjoyed (and others I’m just starting to get into and very much enjoy) in 2017.

Originally… this was going to be a much longer and more involved thing. 

Instead, I’m going with something a bit shorter and more succinct so here’s seven games I really enjoyed this year, one of which has taken up a spot as my favorite game of the year. Thanks for reading and following along this year! 

ABSOLVER (Sloclap)

As someone who doesn’t exactly enjoy playing fighting games, Absolver would seem a bit of an anomaly, right? You’re correct! 

When it was presented at E3 a few years ago, I actually saw it as a Dark Souls-esque RPG with martial arts combat and lore instituted in place of sword-and-board action. I was so into the world, into what they were trying to build, into the ideas of gameplay (stances and switching between them, the moves themselves).

To a degree, this game is that… but the true endgame? What really drives the game once you’ve defeated the campaign? It’s the PvP, the actual “fighting game” part, and it’s something I’ve very much enjoyed - I never thought those words would leave my mouth.

Ever.

For someone like me, Absolver has proven to be a perfect introduction into that world; into fighting the same people online over and over to learn their movesets, to practice timing and get that down, to get frustrated but also understand why I’m getting beat and getting better.

The year is 2017 and I now enjoy playing an honest-to-god fighting game. What has happened to me?

FINAL FANTASY XIV: STORMBLOOD (Square Enix)

2017 was the year I truly got into Final Fantasy XIV.

I had struggled in the past, but the quality-of-life improvements plus finding two jobs/classes (Samurai and Monk) that I really liked propelled me into the main story of the core game, the Heavensward expansion, and the recently released Stormblood which brings you - the Warrior of Light - to far-off places like Gyr Abania, Othard, and the Ruby Sea.

I’m someone who’s never really been into the series in general, but the story and characters of FFXIV has grabbed me in an unexpected way and brought me along for a pretty wild ride at times. What World of Warcraft lacks in terms of consistency in its lore and sometimes not going far enough with its visuals? That’s what this game makes up for me.

I’m glad I finally got into this game and am looking forward to whatever patches and stories Yoshi-P and team have next for us. 

* A shoutout goes to the people in my free company too, some of whom I like to think are pretty dang good friends now.

DOOM (id Software) 

A game from 2016 on 2017’s list?

You’re correct, but this game is just that good and there’s a good reason for why it shows up on this list.

I actually purchased this game last year, but was never able to play it due to technical limitations. When I purchased a new PC in early September, this was one of the first games I installed.

And holy shit, all of the hype? All of the coverage I read? DOOM delivers on that, and more. It understands what it is, reverential in a way to the first games in this series… but also fresh, fun, and thrilling with modern twists and turns. While short, the campaign is worth the price of admission and I hope we get to see more of this story in a proper sequel after a good cliffhanger ending.

All in all, this game is a hell of a thing.

Literally.

WOLFENSTEIN II: THE NEW COLOSSUS (MachineGames) 

I’m only a couple of hours into this game, and there’s already been a few moments where I’ve had to just sit back and let out a loud “What the fuck?” at what I’m seeing on the screen. It’s enough to put it on this list. Really. 

As someone who never played The New Order but is generally aware of what happened, Wolfenstein II: The New Colossus appears to be something that stays true to the themes and roots of what that game set… and then expands that beyond those boundaries and confines to a degree that at times feels unsettling and uncomfortable in a way which reflects the fears of many in modern times.

It’s a game that is both an escape and a reality check in a way.

Even in a game with such great characters and shows reverence for them (but also will pull the trigger at any time), the compelling performance and depth Brian Bloom gives as B.J. Blazkowicz is absolutely incredible. The little things he says as you traverse levels, the flashbacks to a brutal past; the catharsis you seem him go through in often spectacularly bloody and violent fashion? It’s incredible to watch, mesmerizing almost.

Sure, the gameplay isn’t exactly what a lot of folks love… but at the same time, it almost doesn’t matter.

The New Colossus succeeds because the themes and message are heard loud and clear.

DESTINY 2 (Bungie) 

I’ve seen a lot of negativity aimed toward Bungie lately.

And I think it’s understandable.

They’ve messed up a lot on a variety of fronts, including the most important - communication and transparency - and at times? It seems like Destiny 2 may be an unsalvageable situation, a repeat of the mistakes the company with the first game.

But a lot of the time? I have a great time with this game still and have spent hours exploring, raiding, or just chaining Strikes over and over with an occasional foray into the Crucible. I still appreciate the lore of Destiny to a ridiculous degree, to how the idea of “post-apocalyptic space fantasy opera” is explored. As frustrating as it can be sometimes, when Bungie does their lore right? It’s some of the best worldbuilding and storytelling I’ve ever seen.

I hope that Bungie can iron out the issues, because this game has the makings of a great foundation with which to build upon. Only time can tell if they can pull that off.

SUPER MARIO ODYSSEY (Nintendo) 

Remember the crazy trailer for this game at E3?

I don’t think we actually thought this would deliver, right? Maybe?

Who knows?

What matters is that Nintendo delivered on that crazy gameplay reveal and gave us Super Mario Odyssey, which at its heart is the Mario everyone wanted all along with a few twists and turns that make it a fresh experience. Incorporating the “Capture” mechanic to the way this game does is tremendous and getting to utilize Cappy himself as a tool for exploration allows for you to fully explore the beautiful and vibrant worlds of this game.

Plus there’s the 2D sidescrolling element, and the photo mode, and the post-game stuff which-

You get my point. There’s so much here. 

The thing I want to give Odyssey the most credit for? It’s just a happy game. It’s about making exploration fun, it’s about having a damn good time, and it delivers on those in every single way possible. In any other year, it might be my favorite game of the year but…

THE LEGEND OF ZELDA: BREATH OF THE WILD (Nintendo) 

If you know me, this is no surprise.

I’ve been thinking on how to best write this since early March.

For Nintendo to basically blow up the standards of what a Zelda game is? To bring back the roots of what made games like the original the thing that caught fans’ attention and kept them hanging on for thirty-plus years? It’s a hell of a thing to do, but I feel as though they stuck the landing and with aplomb.

The Legend of Zelda: Breath of the Wild is an incredible thing; an open-world action-adventure game which takes so many elements plucked from so many other genres and then blends them all together in something that never fails to awe or amaze. It’s something I wanted for them to do for so long, to shake up the franchise and do something different.

Does it have some flaws here and there? Absolutely. It’s not a perfect game daresay, but damn it’s… an experience, it’s something I’ve told almost all of my friends who likes games to go play. Those dungeons you loved to explore or those items you so loved from past titles? They’re not here, but for good reason.

Why?

Because Breath of the Wild’s true challenge is exploration in this vibrant and amazing world of Hyrule. It’s conquering that highest mountain top or finding that shrine in a den full of dangerous enemies; maybe it’s hunting Lynels all day or trying to find all 900 Korok seeds.

In a year where I feel like I needed an escape at times? This game provided just that. 

Hell, I’ve put 400+ hours into this thing and I can see myself putting in more.

What surprises me most about this game is the emotional impact I felt. In previous games, the same plot is often followed; many of the tropes and story beats in Zelda games are often circular. While this story is sparse in some places, the delivery of it is interesting enough that it makes me more interested in the canon of this universe than I have been since Wind Waker. I want to know what’s next for this incarnation of Link and Zelda in this world Nintendo has so elaborately constructed.

All in all, I wouldn’t call Breath of the Wild just my favorite game of 2017.

It’s without a doubt one of my favorite games ever, a classic that propels this franchise into the future and for the better by drawing upon its “you can do anything anywhere at anytime” beginnings. 

[thisiswhatwereupagainst]

“Mutant Empire: Siege” Ch 5 & 6

Okay guys, here's my notes for Chapter Five and Six of “Siege” the first book in the “Mutant Empire” triology! We get some interesting Charles/Erik debate stuff, reflection on the reality of how relationships are basically all sacrified for the X-Men, some Acolytes team dynamics, and MILAN! 

MILAN IS SO ADORABLE OMFG I LOVE HIM SO MUCH especially because the way he acts with Magneto is the way I've always written Anne Marie with Magneto? I want to put him with the first-gen Acolytes so he can fanboy with Anne Marie about THEIR LORD AND SAVIOR MAGNETO and so Delgado can protect him <3 This is SUPER LONG so it’s under a cut

CHAPTER FIVE This chapter is about the X-Men, not the Acolytes, so no Magneto or Milan, but here's a few bits I thought worth noting

“Where Dr. Henry P. McCoy could forget, just for a moment, that he was a member of that elite race known as homo sapiens superior.” Elite race seems a....poor word choice. But this kinda comes back to what I talked to you two about before, about how I think certain forms of bigotry are actually MORE likely among mutants (ableism, scientific racism, etc.) because so much of mutant identity and the way mutants are understood both by society and themselves is based around being the “next step of human evolution” and being able to do things other people can't, etc.

“Finally, Bobby looked over at him, raised eyebrows in place of an actual shrug. His body had filled out from the time he'd joined the X-Men as a teenager. These days he was muscular and fit. But Hank figured that tousled brown hair and open, genuinely handsome features would make him look like a college boy forever.” Is...is Hank kinda gay for Bobby here? I didn't think straight guys thought about other guys bodies filling out with muscle or having handsome features. But then again, straight girls get to straight up compliment other girls on their boobs and it's not gay, so maybe I'm just falling victim to the homophobic mindset that guys can never ever EVER notice anything attractive about another guy or it's TOTALLY HOMO which is not something I support. Normalize bros saying their bros look nice today! You go novel! Anyway, Bobby has pointed out that they're fighting for their future and their children and all that, but the reality is that none of them except Jean and Scott have been able to have a consistent relationship that lasts more than a year, so most likely none of them actually will ever have children. Deep, man. I mean, I guess if you wanted to go all selfless hero you could say “yeah but other children still matter!” but the fact is, they have basically given up their lives for this. Wolverine tells Storm he wants to be on her X-team and not Scott's because Scott at least sort of expects Wolverine to call him boss, whereas being called “boss” surprises Storm every time. Okay, I'm calling bullshit, no way SCOTT would expect LOGAN to call him boss, whereas Storm is THE BOSS OF ALL BOSSES ok, this queen led a team of X-Men at the same time she was leader of the Morlocks at the same time she was White KING of the Hellfire Club. And this is when SHE DIDN'T HAVE HER POWERS. She is THE boss. I am just gonna say Logan is trying to suck up to her. BECAUSE SHE'S THE BOSS! “Attention X-Men. This is Colonel Tomko, United States Army. You are trespassing at a top-secret federal facility. Throw down your weapons and surrender or you will be fired upon.” “Seem a little anxious to shoot a couple mutants, don't they?” Uh, no, Wolverine, I think it's that you're a group of known vigilantes with a history of leaving a whole lot of destruction, trespassing at a top-secret government facility, and carrying A HUGE PLASMA RIFLE. Like I feel like the fact they are giving the X-Men warning here proves they'd rather NOT open fire, because like...look what happens to actual minorities when they encounter racist government authorities while NOT trespassing and NOT carrying weapons and NOT known criminals? Like I feel like this warning would have been just as easily issued to a bunch of humans, especially if said humans were a vigilante group commonly believed to be terrorists by the public and also toting A BIG FUCKING GUN like sell me on this 'feared and hated' thing a bit better please. I...have a hunch this writer might be a white dude, if he thinks this is what constitutes super-obvious out-of-bounds bigotry from government authority towards a minority seen as dangerous.

CHAPTER SIX Ok, here's where we get Magneto and Milan and the Acolytes! It starts out with some stuff about Charles and Erik, and I know you guys are hella down for that, so here's the bigass quote because I love you enough to type it all out: “Xavier would see the light at last. That was important to Magneto. Once, they had been the best of friends, but their divergent dreams tore them apart. Ever the idealist, Charles would argue with him hour after hour, day after day, until finally Magneto realized he must act to make his dream real, rather than simply debate its finer points. The last time they had parted as friends, at peace with one another, the argument had reached new heights. In the heat of the Israeli summer, desert sand flying in the sweltering wind, bodies baking inside uncomfortable clothing as their Jeep bounced on rutted unpaved roads, their already-tattered friendship was torn asunder. Finally, Magneto had insisted that Charles recognized the primary flaw in his philosophy. “And what might that be?” Charles asked, eyes narrowing at this new approach to the debate. “It's so obvious, Charles,” Magneto had answered, “You see it around you every day, in every newspaper, in every city. It's something I learned in war that you have yet to accept. Human society needs someone to hate. There must be a bottom rung on the ladder. Right now, mutants are it, and I don't see anyone else climbing up after us. Therefore, as long as mutant society exists in its current form, humans will hate and fear mutants.” Charles was quiet for a long time after that, his face darkened by the shadow of his consternation. When he met Magneto's gaze again, he seemed unsettled, yet determined. “There are certainly humans who need to hate,” Charles began, “But I do not believe that is true of humanity as a whole. Humans and mutants can live in peace, Magnus. I will never believe otherwise. Never.” That stubborn quality had blinded Charles from the beginning, and Magneto believed that it still did. But not for long. In one day, he would teach Charles Xavier what he not been able to in all the long years since they had first met. Today.” I think this is really interesting for two reason. The minor reason is that the “humans need someone to hate” isn't something I've seen Magneto say before (though that could be because I've read far less of him than you, Hex) Like I feel like he's said things that are CLOSE but not this specific. The bigger thing, though, is that this points out what a lot of people miss in fandom in my opinion, that Charles is as adamant in his stance as Magneto is in his. He gets painted a lot as the soft and yielding one who compromises, but he's NOT. He does NOT compromise with Magneto one little bit, he is NOT open to Magneto's ideas, and you know what, GOOD, he shouldn't be. But I feel like that tends to get forgotten and Magneto is the only one people talk about as being hubristic in his belief he's absolutely right, even though Xavier is doing the same thing. Also, even though I really like this, I have to point out that at this point in the timeline...the claim that mutants are the bottom rung really would not apply? Mutants were NOT really cropping up enough to be noticed by the public at that point in time, Magneto and Xavier were the first of their kind each other had met, the whole “mutants as a persecuted minority” thing didn't start till the 1980s. Magneto's belief back then, if I recall right, is supposed to be that mutants will BECOME treated like other minorities, not that they already ARE. Now on to Milan, my favorite part/person. He's still mentally hooked up to a computer to broadcast a jamming signal so the US military's radios don't work (Magneto and the Acolytes have taken over the military base where the Sentinels are kept) while Magneto's magnetic force shield (MAGNETS ARE MAGIC I GUESS) keeps them out. Milan's consciousness is “completely integrated into the computer core” and the poor baby is totally slumped over like a corpse. We get a POV switch to Amelia Voght. In case you don't know who that is, Jon, she's a mutant woman (a teleporter, precisely) who is not only an Acolyte, but was Xavier's girlfriend when he founded the X-Men. But she considered that to be “asking for trouble” and wanted to live a normal life, so she left him  (and he tried to MIND-CONTROL HER INTO STOPPING) It's not clear exactly what happened in her life later, but apparently she lost her family and everything else to humans, according to her, and she decided that, also according to her, since every decision she made was bad, she'd let someone else do it. But she was always one of the questioning, less hateful Acolytes despite this claim she WANTED someone else to think for her. Oh, and she's the poor lady that Fabian tried to shove in his would-be harem. I would like to note he's still dead at the time this novel takes place, and while I would like to see him, I am glad for Amelia's sake that his skeevy self isn't around. Anyway, we get this infodump on her past, and this interesting bit gets said: “When he began to build the foundations for the X-Men, their relationship became...well, competition was the only word she could think of. If she had wanted to continue her relationship with Xavier, she would have had to throw herself wholly into his dreams for the X-Men.” I guess this is something I technically knew, but never thought about: That anyone romantically involved with Xavier basically has to be involved with his dream too. They're inseparable. I'd say the same is true of Magneto too except he does end up having a tryst or two where that doesn't apply, like with Lee Forrester, but then again I think that was when he wasn't a villain? I can't remember. But I think this also goes back to what Bobby and Beast were talking about, about how they probably won't ever have kids and a family and all. And canon reflects this. Not only do a lot of superhero relationships not last, but if one of the parties is NOT a superhero, they usually DIE. I guess this doesn't really come up in RP a lot because everybody is playing a member of the X-Men or Brotherhood or similar, no civilians, but, yeah. (Or civilians who can just...somehow be buddy-pals with bad guys and never had it affect them or think twice about these people being CRIMINALS >>) Also just because Amelia questions the violence and methods of the anti-human Acolytes, we're reminded she also thinks that the X-Men are “hopeless fools all, seduced by romanticism and wallowing in ignorance” and that she will be “happy to teach them the error of their ways.” Magneto tells Amelia to watch her back in battle around Carmella Unuscione, and Amelia thinks how she expects that from Unuscione but is surprised Magneto would “deign” to mention it. For some reason, this makes her worry he has romantic interest in her. I don't pretend to understand the leap that she's making here. She then wonders if he's trying to manipulate a confrontation between her and Unuscione, which makes slightly more sense at least. Just slightly. As for what Magneto is thinking, we get back to his POV, and it's neither. He is confident that Amelia can handle herself against Carmella, but he believes the women are on a “collision course” for each other's throats and he doesn't want to see their conflict undermine the “Empire Agenda” which is what his plot is called. We never see any sign of this dymanic between Amelia and Carmella in the comics, nor any backstabbing traits from Carmella, which is why I really enjoy these novels---the comics don't have time to give a lot of development to the personalities and team dynamics to the bad guys, it's hard enough working that in with the good guys in a 25-page issue, but the novels frequently take time to develop this stuff even for the baddies that don't usually get it. Milan 'wakes up' to tell Magneto that “We're ready, My Lord” and Magneto thinks he looks like he's dying and he's all sweaty but he seems super pleased at Doing A Good and dgkgksfkg I JUST LOVE HIM SO MUUUUCH and he says all that's needed to reprogram the Sentinels now is to enter Magneto's password. “For a moment, Magneto wished he did not have to disappoint one of his most faithful Acolytes, but there was no avoiding it.” Oh no! What is Magneto about to do?! Magneto: “I'm sorry, Milan, but I must take over from here.” Milan: “My Lord? Have I offended you somehow, Lord? What may I do to salve whatever wrong I have produced. Surely, there must be...” Magneto: “Please, Milan, be still. You have done no wrong.” OH NO, THIS PRECIOUS ANXIOUS NERD HE THINKS HE DID A BAD BECAUSE MAGNETO IS TAKING OVER THE REST OF THE JOB

LOVE HIIIIM Anyway, Mags puts in his password (“Empire”) and identifies himself as “Erik Magnus Lehnsherr, called Magneto, White King of the Hellfire Club” and we learn that Shaw programmed this all in for him while he was with the Hellfire Club in the 1980s. So Magneto not only KNEW that Shaw had Sentinels, Shaw set things up for Magneto to use them! Holy shit, HOW GOOD WAS THE MAGNET DICK, SHAW?! Magneto has to put his fingers down to scan for fingerprints and cut off a swatch of skin for genetic analysis to confirm it's him (smart move, Shaw, that keeps out shapeshifters) and when it does, Magneto winces, and: “My Lord, you are in pain,” Milan said, and Magneto almost laughed at the childlike wonder in the man. Though it was possible devout piety and childlike wonder were too often confused.” OH MY GOD HE -IS- ANNE MARIE ANNE MARIE IS THE GIRL JOCK, MILAN IS THE BOY NERD, THEY ARE THE RULE 63 VERSIONS OF EACH OTHER CLEARLY SRSLY THIS IS JUST LIKE HOW I WRITE ANNE MARIE WITH MAGS AND IT MAKES ME LOVE HIM I WOULD LOVE HIM ANYWAY ALL THE LOVE FOR MILAN

Cut to some government people. Specifically Valerie Cooper and Henry Gyrich. These are long-standing canon characters, and long story short, Cooper is on the side of mutants and Gyrich is not. But bigot though he might be, GYRICH IS CLEARLY SMART because I don't think ANYONE else has thought of this in the X-series before: “Then we can only assume, as I have long believed that Professor Xavier is directly tied to the X-Men.”

GASP! Val Cooper, who knows that's indeed the case, tells Gyrich basically pssh no, we just know that Xavier is friendly with the Beast (whose identity is apparently public? I guess because he was a member of the Avengers and Defenders for awhile) and Beast has been seen with the X-Men before, so probably Xavier passed on such and so info to Beast who passed it on to the X-Men. ...I feel like this is MORE support for Gyrich's guess, not less. But she continues she finds even this idea unlikely because Xavier has too much to lose in terms of support for mutant rights if he did something to make himself so unfavorable to the current administration. Yup, that's Professor Xavier, never puts a toe out of line, perfectly respectable law-abiding human guy! ;)

Surprisingly, Gyrich agrees with her, but now he thinks it's the X-Men who took over the facility (the one Magneto has taken over) Whoops. Back to Milan and beating himself up immediately when Magneto says he needs to take over, this reminds me of when he does that in the comics too. Like when he couldn’t get everything from Moira’s head that they needed all at once when he was trying to digitally reroute her memories on to the computer to get info they needed, he said that he felt like he had failed his brethren. Amazingly, it was FABIAN who comforted him, saying that,“You’ve done nothing wrong, Milan. The task you set yourself up for was monumental. Using your mutant ability to psionically transfer mental impulses into electromagnetic video impulses is difficult to apply under the best of circumstances. Having to fight this human’s formidable will makes it nearly impossible. I am confident that wherever Magnus is, our true lord and master has blessed you for your efforts.” AW, FABIAN Seriously, I really love this moment, not because I think Fabian has a secret soft side or something but because showing him being kind and encouraging to the Acolytes makes his manipulation and control of them more believable. If an abusive person is abusive and awful 24/7 all the time, nobody would get near them, but true abusers know how to balance the carrot with the stick. It’s ESPECIALLY common with cult leaders; they recruit with the carrot, and once you’re deep in and dependent on them, they can bring out the stick over and over, but the carrot still makes an appearance now and then so you have REASON to try and want to please them. Fabian showing that he values and appreciates the gifts and efforts of his Acolytes (or rather, acting like he does) is probably something they needed tremendously in their lives when he first approaches them, as likely no one else saw anything good about them being mutants, and that’s what enabled him to get them to stay around long enough for him to start showing his tyrannical dickbag side. Sure, he might be awful—but if they left him, they would be going to an even worse world, one that was ALWAYS awful to them, unlike Fabian, who, clearly, was not. I also notice that when he’s harsh on the Acolytes, it’s usually only on an individual to individual basis, when he’s alone with just one of them, so they probably don’t realize they’re ALL being abused, versus that they alone are being singled out like they probably think, so they’re less likely to think there’s a chance of uniting against him. But anyway, I’m getting off-topic, this is about MILAN, not Fabian. And Milan clearly wants to be useful SO BAD and he beats himself up over minor things/acts like he failed just because he didn’t 100% flawlessly succeed, and I just AW BABY especially since we see his teammates being jerks to him too. For instance, when the Acolytes were looking for Cable in the comics, Milan said that the base they were searching for him in was jamming his power, so he couldn’t use it to pick up any signs of Cable, and his teammate Javitz said “So you’re even more useless than usual.” SO MEAN, JAVITZ! WE CAN’T ALL BE TEN FEET TALL! So yeah, he gets ribbed, his powers aren’t good for fighting, maybe that’s why he stays buff, so he won’t be the scrawny nerd cliche (yes, I’m reaching to explain 90s-art anatomy, because this dork child is drawn all big and buff like every man in the 1990s) But I would just like to point out that he clearly has other talents! Milan, along with Joanna “Frenzy” Cargill and Carmella Unuscione, were the ones who found Simon “Neophyte” Hall, a young mutant who had holed himself up in a church, and they spent two days talking him out.  This is just a hunch, but given the aggressive, downright mean personalities of Frenzy and Carmella, I suspect that it was Milan who did a lot of the actual coaxing, with the ladies just there to protect him in case this young mutant had dangerous abilities. Likewise, this is also just a hunch, but given how upset Milan was at Neophyte “betraying” the Acolytes later, I also wonder if he didn’t bond with him afterward, maybe feel responsible for him. It would make sense, with Neophyte being younger and someone he had personally brought into the fold at such a vulnerable point in the boy’s life. I like to imagine that Neophyte looked up these three Acolytes, seeing Frenzy and Carmella as the terrifying badasses they are, and Milan more as a kindred spirit cool big brother. Which would also be nice for Milan, since, again, it seems like the more aggressively-powered Acolytes looked down on him. I love Milan guys I love him so much ;A;

[of-another-broken-heart]

Going to the doctor tomorrow. Just gonna show up and hope that 1) I still have insurance and 2) that my PCP hasn’t changed and 3) they can take a walk-in. 

How fucked is it that my phone anxiety is so goddamn bad that I’m more okay with doing an unannounced walk-in and probably having to wait for hours, than just use the fucking phone? Ha ha ha... 

I honestly just need the damn infection treatment meds. I hope I’m going early enough that I’ve spared myself the immense pain I went through last time. Time will tell. It doesn’t seem much bigger or smaller today - just more tender because I’ve fucked with it so much and tried to squeeze the infection out before it could really do its whole infection thing. I’ve swabbed it with rubbing alcohol several times and slapped a bandaid on it to keep myself from picking at it more and risking making it worse. 

Also, I’ve been sitting on a correspondence from my insurance for over a month because I had to “make an appointment” to CALL them to confirm my re-enrollment or whatever. Literally you had to call. There was no online way to do it, there was no office listed to go to (at least none that I could find within 50 miles of here) - it has to be done by the phone. Twice, technically, because first you have to call to schedule the fucking “appointment” and then you have to hope they keep the damn appointment and take it during the appointed time - or, y’know, whenever they decide to call, appointment time be damned. 

Suffice to say, I never fucking called. 

BUT I did get confirmation that I was automatically re-enrolled? 

But the thing is I’m enrolled through the ACA Medicaid expansion thing. So the state-level government part sent me that confirmation. Meanwhile the actual insurance company I was “sorted into” (for lack of a better phrase) is the one who wanted me to call. 

So. IDK. I assume the information trickled down from the fed/state level. But what do I know. 

Today... today feels like it just blinked out of existence tbh. I lost most of it this morning as a result of not being able to sleep. I finally got to sleep around 8 AM I think. Then I was in bed the whole day. Literally the whole fucking day. I tried to set alarms. It accomplished nothing for me. I woke up exactly enough to disable the alarms. I managed to get up, finally, around 6 PM. 

What finally got me up? An overwhelming sense of panic that I was too late on work stuff. Which was partially based in reality I guess. 

Problem is my brain just... isn’t online today. 

Work wasn’t even that bad. Probably like... 10 quantifiable tasks came in? More sales than tests. 

Sales headache: there’s some new insurance thing going on where Title insurers need to get in on the continuing education requirements. I’m not sure if Title insurers are new as a whole, or if the CE req is new, or what. The headache comes in here: They want/need their company on the final documents, not necessarily the individual’s name. But 1) despite my boss setting up some different sales items the descriptions don’t clarify which items are for which target groups; and 2) unless I manually check each and every license number we get in, I have no way of knowing which ones are for title companies vs individuals - because all the orders come in with individual info, not company info. At some point I’ll learn which sales IDs refer to individuals vs title companies. Then I’ll have to stress about retroactively updating my files to reflect that difference. 

Sales headache, continued: I have to make sure all the right materials get to the right people, I have to track them all in the master registration, AND I have to set up each individual sale in the testing platform. With 5 different courses being sold, and multiple “versions” of each (boss has some special ones set up for particular company groups, plus the new Title shit) it’s almost overwhelming keeping it all straight. 

Test headache: there were only 3 complete tests that came in today. There was a fourth, but it was a repeat. Which is super fucking annoying because this dude had me MAKE a copy of our files FOR HIM (because he wasn’t keeping his own records) so he could check it to avoid this - and he’s not even using it! Because this duplicate test was IN that file. But he went ahead and set this person up with the exact same fucking course and test again. And some fault falls on that person - they should be keeping track of which course(s) they’ve taken before, too, to avoid wasting time and money on repeat classes. THEN, those 3 that were full files? Only 1 was done properly (online) - the other 2 were on paper (fuuuuccckkkk) and 1 of them was from that dude who doesn’t even score the shit (FFUUUUUUCCCKKKKKK). The 3 tests were for 2 different courses, so reporting was split, I could only bath 2 of the 3, and even that didn’t work and I ended up having to do most things manually anyway. 

I’m not looking forward to tallying my hours this month. I’ve been really out of it and not keeping track well, but it’s also been fairly busy and so the tallying process is going to take a while. 

I finished things around 9:30 PM. I still feel like I fucked absolutely everything up. But we’ll see. I probably didn’t. Just feels like I did. 

Mom made a nice baked ziti for dinner. I ate soup as dinner-part-two in the wee hours of the morning, but obviously I didn’t eat anything since that, having been in bed the whole fucking day. 

I made myself some coffee (pumpkin - I have pumpkin coffee for practically the rest of eternity at this point) which may or may not reveal itself to be a mistake. I want lattes still. But that whole Dark Mark barista situation unsettled me way more than I thought it did. And I find myself not wanting to go there at all now. idk, since I’d swapped to living off canned food (instead of fast food) I guess I’d shifted my “treat yourself” shopping/food therapy to warm coffee goods, and the whole star program made it worth it to me. Gave me the illusion of being moderately successful and independent and not a wretched basement troll. I think I liked that even more than the treats themselves, honestly. 

My brain’s flopping around like a fish dropped on a boat deck. I don’t know. I’m feeling lots of ways but mostly just trying to survive. 

I need to tap out on the political front for a while. I’m genuinely overwhelmed right now. Feeling more than a little hopeless. Etc.