#sunshinestay

[sunshinestayy]

i wrote this for the love of my life

one day i'll be brave enough to tell you these words instead of hiding behind them...

Note: 'Axel Engelbrecht' is a pseudonym. I've kept my love's name hidden for obvious reasons lol).

(I'll probably publish all my "love letters" here since I can't give them to 'Axel'. Not yet anyway.)

(Thanks for reading:]).

30 March 2023

dear axel

one day you’ll read this. maybe not. maybe it’ll stay here forever, lost in the archives to collect digital dust. maybe it’ll find its way to you. if it does, i hope it finds you in love, light, and happiness.

i can’t lie and say that my heart doesn’t shatter, and my stomach doesn’t drop whenever i see, hear about, or picture you with someone else. merely typing that brought tears to my eyes. it’s selfish of me, i know. you are the last person that i want to be selfish with or towards, but i can’t help it. i am selfish with you because i want to be the one. i want to be yours, and i want you to be mine, neither possessively nor from a place of objectivity. i’d like us to share one house, one home (because a house and a home are two different things), one heart, one life, one love. ours as separate vessels may be imperfect and not in working order, but maybe we can build something so strong, powerful, beautiful, and everlasting together.

i’m willing to do whatever it takes. i’m willing to suffer for ten, fifty, a hundred more years if it means that, in the end, i have you to hug, kiss, hold, laugh with, love, and cherish for all the days of my life. i’m willing, able, and ready to get out of my comfort zone; to try new things, struggle through what makes me uncomfortable, embarrassed, and/or afraid. i will fight for you and defend you from everyone who tries or thinks of even hurting you. when necessary, i’ll defend you from myself. i would and will do anything for you; not just as your partner/person, but also as your friend, confidante, companion, and whatever else you need me to be.

if you let me, i promise that i will try my hardest to make you happy all the days of my life. i will be faithful, honest, respectful, and i will try my best. i’m not perfect at all. i still look in the mirror – and/or i look within – and i wish that i was a different person. i wish that i was better than what i am; that i wasn’t as stubborn, self-deprecating, insecure, self-sabotaging, fearful, and weak. i only ask that you love and accept me as i am, and i will do the same.

i will screw up. i’ll say and/or do the wrong thing every once in a while. i won’t always get it right. i won’t always be happy. i will have my moments where i push you away even when every cell in body is screaming at me to reach out to you for help and support. please bear with me, and please forgive me for any pain i may put you through. with all my heart, i promise that it is not intentional. hurting you is the last thing i want to do – i swear.

i also don’t want to restrict or change you, or make you feel like you have to behave a certain way or do/say/think differently. i love you for you; and not for what the unrealistic and idealistic parts of my brain dictate the love of my life to be (no doubt due to me consuming too much romantic fiction for my health). i don’t want or need a perfect love. i just need you and your love.

i love you, and i want you to let me to in a way that will cross the boundary of a typical friendship. i would also love it if you felt the same, and i do not wish for you to feel coerced or pressured into returning my feelings. in fact, if you feel even an inkling of doubt at any point in time, just say the word and i’ll back off. i’ll let you go. i’ll set you free. no doubt, it’ll be one of the most agonising and difficult things i’ll ever do, but i want you to be happy even if it is without me and/or because of someone else.

i felt an inkling of this sensation when we first got to know each other, but now that i’ve known you for over a year i can confirm and declare it with confidence. you are my person. you are it for me. you are my endgame.

when i was (or thought i was) in love in the past, it fogged my mind. it completely consumed me and became my identity. i almost made the same mistake with you, but the breakup – and the few months we weren’t talking – really opened my eyes. i learned that pursuing a romantic relationship with you instead of simply appreciating the relationship we already had nearly destroyed you. when i’m not hyper-focused on my feelings for you, i can truly enjoy my time with you. i can be present in the moments and the memories in the making. i can learn more about you, and i can learn more from you. i become calmer and more centred.

loving you is no longer the centre of my life. it, however, makes my life more enjoyable and worthwhile. it makes me want to be a better person. you make me want to be a better person.

you’ve taught me some of the most important lessons in my life – including how to not take things for granted; how to persevere through the difficult times; how to find happiness in the unlikeliest of places; etc. above all, you have taught me what true love is. love is not a Wattpad book, romance movie, or a painless and picture-perfect scenery.

love is challenging, complex, confusing, and not for the faint of heart. it has no recipe, formula, or structure. it is the strongest and most fragile thing to ever exist. it exists in abundance, and humanity often takes it for granted, and misuses, misinterprets, and wastes it. love is not an end goal or destination. it is not a beginning or end. it’s a-fucking-lot, that’s what it is.

however, it is worth it. when you have the right person, the amount of tears, sacrifice, suffering, pain, and difficulty pales in comparison to the ultimate joy, blessing, gift, and treasure that is love.

axel, you are worth waiting for.

you are worth fighting for.

you are worthy and deserving of the greatest and most beautiful love to ever exist.

i hope and pray that i will be that lucky person who will give you the love that you deserve.

in case it wasn’t already clear, i love you. with a clear, sound, sober, and unbiased mind – and a determined and persistent heart with quite a few abrasions and stitches in it – i love you. differently and more than i have ever loved anyone in my life. i love you. i admire you. i respect you. i appreciate you.

 i want you in every capacity, every category, every city, scenario, universe, timeline, and lifetime.

my belief in god wavers every day, but my belief in us is as solid as the house that was built on the rock. i truly believe that you are my person, and i will continue to work hard to be the person that you deserve.

one day – god willing – we’ll live in a spacious apartment/house/dwelling/whatever together. we’ll have at least 2 bedrooms and a guest room, so that you can sleep in your own room when you need your space, and you can have a sleepover in mine whenever you want. we’ll get tile flooring so that we don’t have to worry about vacuuming. we’ll get a dishwasher, or i’ll wash and rinse the dishes and you can dry and pack them away. you’ll sweep and i’ll mop. we’ll both handle laundry. we’ll teach each other new recipes; i’ll try my best to nail your ouma’s date bread and you’ll get me hooked on mango cheesecake.

should we ever marry – which is my greatest heart’s desire – i will ask for your sister's permission, because i know how much she means to you.

if i’m rich enough, i’ll get someone to perform for us at our wedding. i highly doubt that it’ll be skz, but i’ll make sure that this artist does our songs justice.

i want to give you the world, for you make mine better by simply being in it.

i love you, axel engelbrecht, with everything that i am. everything that i will be.

i am so grateful that you exist, and i am so grateful that i know you, and that you are part of my life.

you are my person, my best friend, my happiness, my laughter, my joy, my hope, my love, my confidence, and everything that you are is phenomenal. everything that you are is more than enough for me.

here always,

your sunshine