sunshinestaytiny

[sunshinestaytiny]

I DIDN'T WANT THIS TO END! IT WAS SO BEAUTIFUL😭😭😭😭❤❤❤❤

Spring

making hyunjin love spring again.

i wrote this because hyunjin saying he doesn't like spring anymore devastated me. i didn't specify on why he doesn't anymore, so u can imagine whatever you like.

"I used to like spring, but I don't anymore." 

That's what Hyunjin told you on your third date when you asked about his favorite season. His answer might have seemed innocent to an outsider, but the way he said it made you pause in your tracks. 

There was a slight waver in his voice, so imperceptible you could've missed it had you not been listening to him intently. His hold on his spoon tightened, only for a fleeting second, before it returned to normal once again. But you noticed.

You didn't want to further press onto the matter, so you changed the subject, and Hyunjin smiled at you gratefully. But his confession stuck with you long after that night. There was something bittersweet in his tone- as if someone came and snatched his love for spring out of his hands, and all he could was helplessly watch it happen. 

So you waited patiently, as the seasons gently morphed into one another. As the summer when you've met- sticky fingers from molten icecream and the salty scent of the beach, turned into autumn- rustling orange leaves and golden sunsets reflecting in his eyes, then a winter- rosy nose tips and freezing hands that you warmed up in the pockets of his sweater. 

And then finally came spring.

i. march 21st

"Where are we going?" Hyunjin whines, blindfold wrapped around his eyes and you only giggle in reply. He's been asking you for the past half an hour as you drove outside of the city. 

"Be patient, baby," you chastise and he sighs, puckering his lower lip out. You lean over once you stop at a red light, kissing his pouty lips softly. 

"Better?" you ask and he grins at you. "Better."

You finally arrive at your destination, and you walk over to open the door for Hyunjin. You take his hand in your own, before leading him slowly to the surprise you planned. When you finally stop, you stand behind him and slowly remove his blindfold. 

You lace your arm around his waist, as Hyunjin blinks repeatedly, adjusting to the sudden light before looking around him. You are in a flower field, and a picnic is laid out for the two of you- seasonal fruits that you handpicked at the farmer's market, some cool beverages, sushi, and Hyunjin's painting supplies. You remind yourself to send Felix a text to thank him for setting all of this up for you.

"What's this?" Hyunjin asks in bewilderment and you shrug, "it's finally warm again. We should enjoy it, right?"

"I can't believe you did all of this for me," he beams at you, turning around to kiss your cheek softly. it feels more intimate somehow than a kiss on your lips.

Your afternoon is spent laying under the shades of a tree, the sun rays seeping through your bodies and warming up your souls. You feed Hyunjin some honeydew melon that you cut up in cubes beforehand. "It's really fresh during spring," you say, as his lips brush against your fingertips. 

"It's sweet," he nods, eyes softening as they look at you, "but I know how I can make it sweeter," he grins, before crashing his lips on yours.

He kisses you longingly as if you aren't near him and he wishes to make you materialize through the kiss. He tastes like honey and you find yourself getting drunk from his sweet taste, as your lips part only to meet again in a feverish dance. You finally pull apart dazed, and then he kisses you again, but softly this time, his lips simply pressed upon yours. As if you are their home and they are now resting in you. 

You then lay on the blanket, your hair fanning around you and Hyunjin grabs his sketchbook, asking you to stay put so he'd draw you. He pauses his movements, plucking a flower from the grass beside you and tucking it into your ear. "So pretty," he says, resuming his drawing. He makes sure to capture the faint blush now dusting your cheeks. 

On your drive home, Hyunjin sticks his head out of the window, watching silently the sunset unfolding in front of him. You place your hand on his knee reassuringly and he turns to look at you, a soft smile on his face. "I missed the sun," he says.

"Me too." Although you didn't really feel its absence- he was your sun. 

ii. may 5th

"We're going out!" 

"We are?" Hyunjin asks confused, but still grabbing your outstretched hand and standing up.

"We are! I'll be downstairs, okay? Put on your shoes," you grin, kissing his palm before heading first to the car. Hyunjin smiles to himself, shaking his head slightly before doing as you said.

A thirty minutes drive later, you arrive to a field of blooming tulips. Rows of red and pink and yellow, stretching onto the horizon. They paint the sky in the prettiest shades of pastel, the colors reflecting on Hyunjin's face who looks at them in amazement. 

While he takes in the beautiful scenery, you open the car trunk, taking out two bikes you rented for the weekend. 

"Wanna bike with me?" you ask, a huge smile on your face, and Hyunjin giggles, tucking a strand of your hair behind your ear. "You are insane and I love you." 

"I love you most, now come on," you hop on the bike, and he follows suit. You think to yourself that Hyunjin fits right in here, in the middle of this mesmerizing field. Your heart warms in your chest as he speeds past you, the wind ruffling his hair, and the sun peeking through his soft black locks. You can hear his giggles echo around the field, and you feel a strange sense of pride at being the one behind his joy. 

You finally stop biking, before venturing into the tulip field, hand in hand. The sweet citrusy scent of the blooming flowers wafts into the air and envelops you both. "Do you know the story behind tulips?" you ask.

"No. Tell me?"

"It's rumored that there were two lovers who were forbidden to be together. One of them died and the other, driven by his overwhelming love, rode his horse off of a cliff. A single tulip then bloomed on where his blood spilled..." you pause, taking in Hyunjin's lovestruck expression as he gazed at you, "why are you smiling like that?"

"I'm just really happy right now."

"You deserve to be happy," you tell him, your eyes looking straight into his so he'd know how serious you were being. In response, Hyunjin pulls you in for a warm hug- his hand is on the back of your head, and your arms are around his waist, keeping him close. Your ear rests directly on top of his racing heart- 'my heartbeat is spelling out my love for you' he wants to say. But he hopes you know.

Later on that night, Hyunjin paints the two of you hugging in the middle of the tulips field. You hang it on your fridge, right next to his drawing of you on your picnic. You go to move away when a small writing catches your eyes, there right next to Hyunjin's signature, the smallest inscription in cursive writing 'Spring is here.'

iii. april 10th

"Aren't we near Seokchon Lake?" Hyunjin questions while you're strolling around the city, bags of books and painting supplies in your hands.

"We are," you nod excitedly, "should we check it out?"

"Sure, angel."

You intertwine your fingers with Hyunjin's as he pulls you through the main entrance. It's nearly eleven pm and lights are illuminating the paths you are walking in. But that's not what makes Hyunjin gasp softly in awe. It's the imagery of cherry blossoms blooming all around you. Pink dainty petals swept away by the wind. They swivel around the two of you, before carrying on with their travels.

Hyunjin pulls you to a nearby bench, and as soon as you both sit, he guides your head to his shoulder, before resting his cheek on the top of your hair.

You're both silent for a while, quietly taking in the cherry blossoms surrounding you. It's truly magical, even more so with Hyunjin next to you.

"You wanted me to see this, didn't you?" he says, breaking the peaceful silence surrounding you.

"No. I just happened to want to go to the bookstore that's closest to this lake," you joke and he chuckles lightly before sobering up.

"Thank you. For letting me see the world through your eyes," he says, turning his head to look at you. His eyes are twinkling under the lights- tiny constellations binded by his love for you.

You swipe your thumb gently across his cheek, silently watching him too for a while. "You know," you finally speak again, "cherry blossoms only come out during spring. Don't you think there is a certain beauty that comes with blooming after times of hardship?" you whisper and you watch as his lower lip quivers slightly.

You didn't need to tell him 'just like you did', he knew.

iv. april 25th

'Come to the balcony!' Hyunjin reads on a note you left on the counter. He quickly drops his keys and removes his shoes before darting to where you told him to go. 

He opens the door to the balcony to be met with fairy lights dangling from the ceiling. You laid a floatable bed there, and on top of it you've thrown multiple colorful pillows and a heavy blanket. On a tray to your right, two steaming cups of tea were awaiting him. 

"My love," he calls out and you turn to look at him, a wide smile on your face. "Hyune, you are here!"

"I'm here, baby. What are you doing?" he asks, laying beside you on the bed. 

"It's a surprise!"

"Aren't you full of surprises lately," he smiles, running his hand through your hair gently. his heart was soring in his chest, he couldn't believe you were his. 

"It was too cold during the winter for us to use the balcony, but now we can again." 

"Are we sleeping here?" 

"Yeah, it'll be slightly chilly that's why I brought out this thick blanket. And I know you've been stressed this week, so we'll unwind here. I can read for you if you want. A little quiet time, just you and me," you explain and he sighs, burying his head in your stomach. 

"Do you not like it?" you ask cautiously and he shakes his head no.

"I do. I like it so much it's scaring me."

"Why is that?" you ask softly, giving him the time to collect his thoughts. 

"I'd go through this week's stress over and over again, if it meant I'd have you with me like this in the end." 

"You don't have to do that. I'll always be here with you." 

"You promise me?"

"I promise," you say, placing a tender kiss on the top of his hair.

When your cups of tea are finished, and Hyunjin's eyes are drowsy with sleep, you place your book down and turn off the lights. It's dark, save for the full moon's silvery light, as she watches over the two of you. 

"The weather is nice," he mumbles and you nod, "It is." 

"It's spring," he smiles softly, eyes closed and you feel a part of your heart heal and shatter at the same time. 

"It is spring, my love," you whisper, holding him even closer to you. 

v. may 13th 

"What if we go on a bus to the neighboring city?" 

"Good morning to you too," Hyunjin smiles, voice still husky from sleep. 

"It's only an hour's drive away. Please, baby?" 

"Like right now?" 

"Right now. Just for the weekend." 

"Okay." he nods and you beam at him, "Really? Okay?" 

"Mm. whatever you want, angel." 

An hour later, and with a lightly packed bag, you are sitting on the bus to the neighboring town. Hyunjin is fast asleep again, your shared earbud threatening to fall out of his ear. And you are checking your phone for the tenth time since you've gotten on.

They said it will rain today there- a 98% chance of rain to be more precise. You hoped the weather app didn't lie to you.

When you arrive, you quickly drop your bags at the hotel you reserved before getting on the bus, and then you are out to explore.

You walk for a while, stopping at a local café that one of your friends once recommended. They had a delicious spring specialty- cherry muffins with white chocolate drizzle on top. You can tell that Hyunjin is enjoying them too by the way his eyes crinkle closed each time he takes a bite.

Two hours later, you're starting to lose hope when it finally happens- the first droplet of water hitting your skin. Then another. You break out in a wide smile as a light rain falls on you. It's barely there, as if too shy to fully brush against your skin.

It's still sunny despite it raining, and you grab Hyunjin's hand, spinning him around. He almost trips on his feet and he erupts in loud laughter, his head tipped back. It is then that you finally see it, the reason why you came here to begin with- watching your first rainbow with Hyunjin.

"Look, there is a rainbow now," you point out, and he turns to look at it, a soft smile on his face.

"One of my favorite childhood memories was during spring. I was playing outside and then it started raining lightly, just like this. I stood there in awe as I saw my very first rainbow, peeking through the sun rays and the rain," you tell him, as you both watch the colors of the rainbow grow stronger by the second.

"It felt magical, and freeing. But also so serene. I think it was the first time I wanted to preserve a moment and live in it forever. And I've always wanted to experience it with you too."

Hyunjin's eyes soften completely as he gazes at you, the colors unraveling in the sky long forgotten by him.

"That's what loving you feels like to me," he says as he brushes his lips against yours, "you feel like your spring rainbow."

vi. june 1st 

You knock on the door of Hyunjin's art studio softly, pushing down the doorknob once you hear a "come in." 

"Hey, angel," Hyunjin beams at you, "why did you knock?"

"I didn't want to bother you."

"You're never a bother, come here," he gestures to you, and you walk towards him, hands behind your back. 

"What are you hiding?" he smiles at you and you shift from one leg to another. "Um. A little something I made for you. You don't have to like it. Just, read it. I suppose." 

"Why are you nervous, hum?" he questions, grazing your arm with the back of his hand, "It's just me."

"Okay. Okay. Here it is." 

You suck in a deep breath before handing him a diary. Written in simple letters on the front page is Spring. 

Hyunjin slowly opens it, his heart beating wildly in his chest. 'To remind you of the beauty of spring' he reads in the first page, and he almost chokes out a sob. You remembered, he thinks to himself. You remembered and you love him.

He flips to the next page, and he has to bite his lower lip harshly to stop himself from crying. There glued on each page, he finds pictures of him through your spring dates. They are slightly blurry, since you tried to take them quickly without him noticing.

He sees himself, legs crisscrossed and eyebrows furrowed in concentration, painting on your picnic. He sees himself, biking while the field of tulips stretch beside him, his arms open wide as if to store the sun's energy within. He sees himself, sleeping on top of your chest on the balcony, a peaceful look on his face. He sees himself, looking at the cherry blossoms in wonder, the city lights reflecting on his brown eyes. And finally a picture of him and the rainbow. He posed for that one, he recalls. He looks so happy in it, in all of them. He truly was. He always is with you.

And then with a shaky hand, he flips to the very last page. And there he reads,

"My love 

If you are reading this, it means that spring is over and I've gathered enough courage to give this to you. I don't think I have the power to rewrite your memories, but I wanted to give you a little taste of spring, the season you once loved. I think you have the most beautiful soul I've had the pleasure of encountering, you see beauty in everything, my beautiful Hyunjin. I didn't want spring to be a bitter exception for you. 

Maybe it's wishful thinking, but I hope that whenever you think of spring now, you'll think of picnics in the middle of grass fields, where the sun's rays gently caress your cheek. I hope you think of fruits that taste like honey and melt on your tongue. I hope you think of tulips and the countless love tales they carry with them. I hope you think of cherry blossoms falling so beautifully, like a cascading waterfall of petals. I hope you think of a soft breeze ruffling your hair, and the peace that comes with sleeping under the stars. I hope you think of rainbows and a faint rain while the sun still warms your soul. I hope you think of cherry muffins and the joy of witnessing it all. 

I hope you think of yourself existing during spring and for it to be gentle on your soul once again. Because you deserve to love spring my hyunjin, more than anyone I know." 

Hyunjin wordlessly gets up from his place and pulls you in a bone-crushing hug. You can feel his silent tears wetting your shirt, but you don't mind. You hug him back just as tightly, patting his back in what you hope is a soothing motion. 

Hyunjin pulls away, pressing his forehead on top of yours. Your hands cradle his face, gently wiping away the hot tears trailing down his cheeks. 

"When I'll..." he lets out a deep breath and it fans all across your skin, sending tingles down your spine. "When I'll think of spring, all I will think of for the rest of my life is you," he hiccups and you stand on your tiptoes, placing a gentle kiss on his forehead, as raw emotion bubbles within you too.

"Promise me you'll stay," he mumbles against your lips, "just like a spring, that you'll always be here to pick me up after it gets hard," his tone is urgent, and you feel as if he's unraveling between your hands, clutching onto you desperately so you wouldn't leave. You wouldn't dare of it.

"I promise, I promise you, baby. I'm not going anywhere."

"My spring is you," he kisses you softly, salty tears mingling with yours, "and every hope I've ever had in my life is you."

"Good thing I'm never leaving then," you grin as he pulls away, and Hyunjin finally smiles again, and it feels as if every crack in the universe is magically mended back.

[sunshinestaytiny]

Your blog has been signed by Stray Kids! ♡

[sunshinestaytiny]

Dear Stray Kids

On the extremely off chance that Chris and Lix are lurking on tumblr and find this post, this is what I'd say to the SKZ members if I had the chance.

(Before you come for me, I wrote most of this two years ago when I was a Baby STAY, and I tried editing it now, so it'd be less cringy. I still apologize if this is painful to read. I tried my best LMAO).

Bang Chan

Leader – BANG CHAN! Kangaroo – BANG CHAN!

To say that you are such an amazing man would be an understatement. You are an incredibly hard worker, and I wish that you went easier on yourself and got more rest. I know you strive for perfection in your craft, but rest. It’s okay.

I am so proud of you; STAY is so proud of you, and Stray Kids is (are?) so proud of you. I know you want to do more, and you feel like you have to do more, but everything you are already doing is perfect. Nevertheless, thank you for always giving us your best.

Thank you for being you. Thank you for being dependable, kind, helpful, empathetic and one of the sweetest humans to ever walk the face of this planet. Thank you for all the hard work you put into what you do. I can’t even imagine what it’s like to be in your shoes, but you are doing a fabulous job. You are the best leader SKZ could ever ask for, and a phenomenal person that STAY looks up to. The world needs more people like you. You are funny, SUPER talented, adorable, charming, empathetic, inspiring, intelligent, kind, incredibly handsome…ugh, there are not enough words in any language – let alone English – to describe how wonderful you are. I cannot and will never understand the hate that you get. To have people attack you for no apparent reason and hear such harsh things about yourself must be so difficult. I can’t imagine how you feel. I admire you SO much, and you are so strong, Channie. I’m so sorry that we can’t protect you from that, but STAY will try harder to defend you. You truly do not deserve that. No one does.

(I'm also sorry for the crazy shit that we do because, admittedly, sometimes we don't know our place. Thank you for tolerating us regardless lmao, and thank you for reinforcing your boundaries and putting us in place when we need it.)

From the bottom of my heart, thank you for everything. Thank you for being a source of comfort and security. You mean more to me than I could ever express. I know that STAY and Stray Kids feel the same.

You have such a special place in my heart. I love you, Chris.

**insert BIG hug here**

Lee Know

I’d be lying if I said that you didn’t intimidate me at first. I wouldn’t describe you as cold or mean, though. I’d say that you’re just blunt, and that your sense of humour isn’t really understood by everyone. I understand it, though – my sense of humour is a little like yours – and I really appreciate and take comfort in it. (You are absolutely hilarious!). Teasing is a valid love language😊.

You aren’t one to display your emotions for all to see, but it doesn’t mean that you are heartless. To you love is a verb, and your humanity shines through without you realising it, and I think that is truly beautiful. You are so strong, kind, gorgeous, hilarious, caring, smart, witty, and sharp.

Also, your cats so adorable, and the way you love them and interact with them (and the SKZ members) warms my heart! It’s a shame that I’m allergic to cat fur, but I can still adore them from afar.

You are ICONIC, Minho (and yes, your name is incredibly handsome). You are a phenomenal dancer, a stellar rapper, and a great singer! While Chan is the official leader of the group, you too lead the members in a beautiful way. You support Chan, and you also do a phenomenal job at taking care of the younger members. You are doing your best, and that is more than enough. That is spectacular. You are 100% unapologetically yourself, and you are also insightful, wise, and caring. Language barriers aside, I find great comfort in you, and you help me become more open-minded each day. When I become fluent in Korean – and when I get the chance to meet and/or interact with you – I will make sure to tell you how much I care for and appreciate you. If my Korean still sucks by then, I'll do it in Korenglish and hope for the best lmao.

I love you so much – more than you know…I know… LEE KNOW!

Changbin

YOUR VOICE!!! CAN WE JUST TAKE A MOMENT TO APPRECIATE THE SOUND OF YOUR VOICE WHENEVER YOU RAP?!

**screams and aggressively slams keyboard but tries to not break laptop**

(Also, YOHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!)

Oh, Changbin (Seo Changbin – don’t worry, I know you aren’t Oh Changbin **wink**) …where do I begin? Honestly, I love you. Period. You are so talented – that is an understatement – you literally give me LIFE! The way you interact with the members and react whenever they poke fun at you is hilarious. You always make me laugh. You are ICONIC!

Your stage presence is unparalleled, your skill is undeniable, your aegyo is AMAZING, your arms – I’m sorry, I need to take weightlifting lessons from you because HELLO?! (Please be my personal trainer, and please put me in a headlock. Thanks.)

Back to the point – you are literally such a wonderful person. You are also so kind, gentle and lovely. I wish I could cuddle you – dark image and all. You seem like such a wonderful person to just hang out with and talk to. I get such a warm vibe from you. You are incredibly sweet and loving. You are my comfort person, and I appreciate how you advocate not only for general health and fitness but also for loving oneself as is. You are genuine and unapologetically yourself. You are loved. You are amazing. You are talented. You are handsome. You are wonderful.

Our beloved dwaekki; life without Seo Changbin would totally suck.

Hyunjin

My first bias<3. You have a special place in my heart. Where do I even start?

The words beautiful, stunning, and gorgeous are not strong enough to describe you. This isn’t just about your visuals – you are a work of art, Hwang Hyunjin – your soul is also a wonderous sight for sore eyes.

You have such an amazing heart and a kind soul – you are so wonderful, warm, artistic, hilarious, and lovely. You’re also so TALL -_-

Like damn, compared to me you’re just…yeah, you’re tall! I love that, though. I love you.

Everything you’ve ever done has been nothing less than spectacular. Everything – including (but not limited to) your art, your dancing, your rapping, your hair (long, medium, or short) …need I go on?

I especially appreciate and admire how hard you work – not only for SKZ and STAY, but also for yourself. You’re constantly working on yourself, and I respect that so much. I love how passionate you are – it’s so evident in the way you move and express yourself artistically. It’s amazing to see. Just remember to be kind to yourself and – like I said to Chan – rest.

Hyunjin’s Counselling Centre has been a great help to me. Your words of comfort and encouragement have helped me get through the darkest of times. You have helped me even without knowing me or talking to me directly. You have the kindest and most beautiful, genuine, and amazing heart and soul. I’m sorry that people have tried to make you out to be what you are not. Please know that you are not what the haters are trying to put on you or turn you into. Please don’t interpret your sensitivity as weakness or fragility. I admire how you love and trust easily. While it can be a detriment when you are wronged, it is one of the best things about you.

Keep doing you, Hyun-e. We love you so much. No one can take that away from you!

Han

Jisung, you – like Hyunjin and Bang Chan…actually, all the members – have a special place in my heart. I have so much to say about you, but I have no idea where to begin.

You are so ethereal, so precious, so hilarious – the funniest member IMO but legit EVERYONE in SKZ makes me laugh and smile so much – so adorable (our beloved squirrel/quokka/hamster) …YOU ARE EVERYTHING!!!

Can we just take a moment to talk about your talent? There’s versatility, and then there’s you. Honey – haha, Hannie 😉 – you INVENTED versatility. Is there anything you can’t do?! (I’ll answer that right away – NO! YOU CAN DO ANYTHING AND EVERYTHING. PERIOD!).

Your rapping…like, wrap me in 3 burritos and call it a day. I LOVE IT SO MUCH! Your singing…umm, HELLO?!?!?! Did someone say FLAWLESS?! THAT’S YOU! Your dancing almost rivals Lee Know’s, but don’t tell him that because tissue will end up in someone’s mouth – and it won’t be Hyunjin’s. Open any dictionary and look for the word ace. You’ll be staring at your reflection because that is what you are!

As if your beauty, charisma, and talent didn’t give me enough reasons to explode, your personality comes in and KA-BOOM. I am deceased.

You are the life of the party, but you are also the comforting home to go to after the party…I hope that came out the way I intended it to. Point is, you are (or rather you seem, because I don’t personally know you) fun to be around and mess around with, but you are also someone to share the quiet, intimate, peaceful moments with.

Peace is something I wish I could give you in abundance – in addition to all the love and happiness in the world because you deserve it, duh. You have no idea how much it hurts to see you or any of the members experience anything related to exhaustion, pain, discomfort, heartbreak, or suffering. I know that the bad things in life help us grow stronger, and suffering makes the good times much more enjoyable and whatnot, but still…no one wants to watch their loved ones endure that.

I can only hope that my love and support – along with that of STAY and your amazing members – will remind you to keep on going.

You are enough, Hannie. You are so strong, so amazing. You are doing so well, and we are so f***ing proud of you. We love you. I love you so much.

Felix

Ah, Lixie!! Our sunshine! The member with duality powerful enough to cause and stop traffic.

(OKAY, YOUR VOICE?!?!?!  Pack it up, Corpse Husband! Also, you are more than your voice. Your talent is immeasurable, from your vocals and dancing to your bakery, ASMR, and gaming skills.)

You are sunshine personified. There is no way that someone can look at you and not smile; that is physically and scientifically impossible. You are our happiness – our reason to smile and be at peace. You are a healer. I get such positive energy from you. Whether you’re baking brownies and cookies, making ASMR videos, giving meme-able dance tutorials – BRING POPS IN SEOUL PRESENTER LIX BACK! – or goofing off and repping Gen Z with your dance moves (don’t be shy, drop your TikTok, bestie!), you are such a marvellous sight to see.

You are my happy place and I hope that you continue to grow in happiness, peace, and love. You are extraordinarily unique and one-of-a-kind, and that is a wonderful thing. You are one of the kindest and most genuine people I have ever seen. Some people can be nice in a fake way, and you are not like that. You are pure love and kindness personified. You are a marvellous creation, a shining light in this dark world. Never lose that spark. Always keep your head up and that (beautiful) smile wide.

Keep it up, Felix. I love you. (I love your freckles as well, and your vibe is immaculate. Period.) You are a wonderful human being, and you don’t need to do or be anything different. Please stay as you are (but also continue evolving as you see fit).

Seungmin

Your voice…I can’t even put into words how much comfort it gives me. My mind is a constant raging storm, and your voice always calms me. It’s the warm hug on a cold day; the cool breeze on a scorching afternoon.

**Insert 5000 more words detailing how much I love your (singing and speaking) voice**

Seungmin, you are such a beautiful person. Quiet, calm, comforting… and sometimes chaotic (but in the best way possible). Honestly, your existence brings me peace. Your humour is underrated, quick and unexpected. You are hilarious. You constantly surprise me and keep me on my toes (in a good way, of course.) You are also MEGA talented – duh – let’s not sleep on your skills! You have a gift, you really do, and I acknowledge and respect that so much. I admire you so much!

You are so handsome. I’m not just saying that because you got your braces removed and are bias wrecking everyone left, right and centre. You have been an ethereal prince since day 1 (or shall I say DAY6? I’m sorry. That was bad).

You have nothing to worry or feel bad about. (That came out of nowhere, but I just felt like saying that). You are making waves, no matter how small they may seem. They are still impactful. You are doing spectacularly, and you will only get better and better. You will be the greatest, I know you will. I see you. I appreciate you. You are absolutely wonderful, and I love you.

I.N

I confidently saying this knowing that I am a month and a few weeks younger than you:

YANG JEONGIN, YOU ARE SO ADORABLE!!!!!!

You are legit the superior maknae, and you are so powerful and strong. I don’t ever want you to think or speak badly about yourself – you are amazing, Jeongin. Never doubt that for a second.

You are also much more than SKZ’s maknae and aggibang. You are a star in your own right, and you are incredibly handsome, talented, charming, and hilarious. Your smile lights up my world, and it is more infectious than any epidemic/pandemic (in the best way possible. I meant that as a compliment, I promise). By simply smiling, you have the power to turn my day from terrible to great in a millisecond.

Your voice is so calming. I love the sound of your voice; it’s like a vocal hug that wards off all the negativity that surrounds me.

You have the purest soul I’ve ever seen, and you are genuine and authentically yourself. I hope you never lose that – never lose your youthful spirit and your zestful energy. It is refreshing, and it is one of the many things that make you a wonderful individual.

What else can I say without sounding redundant?

Watching you grow and become more confident in yourself and your craft is amazing. You have always been wonderful, but you have improved so much, and you’ve made such incredible progress. I hope you are proud of yourself. I am so proud of you!

I love watching you perform – you clearly love what you do, and you are so happy while you are singing, dancing, and/or rapping. That makes me so happy, and it makes me adore you even more. I hope you never lose your joy for what you love.

You are a wonderful human, Jeongin, and you are definitely a key member of SKZ. You are not in this group by accident; you are where you are meant to be, and you will continue to shine.

I love you.

To all the members

If I were to use one of your songs to reference my affection for you, I would choose I am YOU. That song – along with pretty much the rest of your discography – has gotten me through the darkest of days where I thought some of the most awful thoughts you could imagine. When I felt weak and like I couldn’t go on, I found you and you all became my strength.

In you and your music, I found healing. I found a reason to be happy – to continue fighting and surviving in this cruel world. I can’t tell you how alone I’ve been – how alone I’ve felt – all my life, so it’s wonderful for me to get lost in your music and sing and dance as if I’ve never shed a tear or had my heart broken. Each song is like entering a world where pain doesn’t exist; where negativity, self-hatred and loneliness are nowhere to be found. In your music and as a STAY, I feel like I belong – like I am not a weirdo, an outcast or a person who doesn’t deserve anything remotely good in life.

You make me feel like I could conquer the world and that I deserve it. For that, I thank you. For putting a smile on my face every day – even on the days where I don’t want to do anything except cry myself to sleep – I thank you SO MUCH. I am eternally grateful to you.

This statement is considered a cliché – especially because of how many times you’ve probably heard it – but really, you saved me. You injected new life into me when I thought that there wasn’t any left.

I see a part of myself in all eight of you. Bang Chan reminds me of my own willingness to love, care for/about and support my nearest and dearest.

I relate to Minho, his sense of humour, and his outlook on life. Teasing and wordlessly helping/providing for/taking care of others is also my love language.

As a fellow fire sign, I definitely see quite a bit of myself in Changbin. He reflects my playfulness, sensibility, and ability to relate to younger people even though I am (well, I consider myself) quite mature. I’m just as dramatic as Hyunjin (just jokes) and in him I see my creativity, passion, empathy, and artisticness (is that even a word?).

Han is just as hilarious as I am (if not, more), but I can relate to him in the sense that people don’t really see my vulnerable moments. I can be loud and goofy when I’m with my friends and other people I am comfortable around, but I become introverted and reclusive when I am by myself or around people with whom I feel uncomfortable. I am also a massive homebody😊.

Lix is full of energy, life, and light, and I can relate to that sometimes (especially when I’m around the right people). Like Felix, I would also like to heal others, make them feel better, and comfort them with my presence and my actions.

I wish I could sing as well as Seungmin, but I suppose I have something else in common with him – I have brown eyes (I just realised that all of you have brown eyes, and that joke was more cringy than it was funny. **Face palm**. Anyway…). In all seriousness, I’d say that Seungmin reflects my ability to shine through and use my voice, even if it is not heard or appreciated by everyone. I also love puppies and dogs, and I am quick-witted.

Just like Jeongin, I am the youngest in my family (I know that he’s the middle child in his biological family, but he’s the youngest in his SKZ family, so there! Loophole!). Like Jeongin, while I appear as cute and wholesome (sometimes), I have an intelligence and maturity that is often underestimated and overlooked. I still try my best to live past the label that has been put on me. I feel that people will forever see me as a baby no matter what I do, so we are in the same boat, I.N. I know that I am making little improvements day by day. At least, I hope so.

Stray Kids members, I have so much love for all of you – I don’t even know how to express it, even after typing out this long letter.

For now, I hope that me thanking you and reminding you how much I appreciate and care for you will suffice. I am so proud of you, and I am in awe of how much you all shine. You are such amazing humans – I say humans here to emphasize that I recognise your humanity, and I am not putting you on a pedestal. I do not expect you to be cookie-cutter, perfect people. You will trip, make mistakes, and experience hardships; that is just how life works.

I believe in you, though. I know how strong you all are. You all have gone through things that I could never fully comprehend or fathom, but you are still standing. I admire you so much for that.

With love,

sunshinestayy

(P.S Please consider visiting and performing in South Africa someday. I’d love to see you all in person, and I know many other South African STAYs who feel the same way! <3 JYPE, PLEEEEAAASSSEEEE!!!!!)

[sunshinestaytiny]

i wrote this for the love of my life

one day i'll be brave enough to tell you these words instead of hiding behind them...

Note: 'Axel Engelbrecht' is a pseudonym. I've kept my love's name hidden for obvious reasons lol).

(I'll probably publish all my "love letters" here since I can't give them to 'Axel'. Not yet anyway.)

(Thanks for reading:]).

30 March 2023

dear axel

one day you’ll read this. maybe not. maybe it’ll stay here forever, lost in the archives to collect digital dust. maybe it’ll find its way to you. if it does, i hope it finds you in love, light, and happiness.

i can’t lie and say that my heart doesn’t shatter, and my stomach doesn’t drop whenever i see, hear about, or picture you with someone else. merely typing that brought tears to my eyes. it’s selfish of me, i know. you are the last person that i want to be selfish with or towards, but i can’t help it. i am selfish with you because i want to be the one. i want to be yours, and i want you to be mine, neither possessively nor from a place of objectivity. i’d like us to share one house, one home (because a house and a home are two different things), one heart, one life, one love. ours as separate vessels may be imperfect and not in working order, but maybe we can build something so strong, powerful, beautiful, and everlasting together.

i’m willing to do whatever it takes. i’m willing to suffer for ten, fifty, a hundred more years if it means that, in the end, i have you to hug, kiss, hold, laugh with, love, and cherish for all the days of my life. i’m willing, able, and ready to get out of my comfort zone; to try new things, struggle through what makes me uncomfortable, embarrassed, and/or afraid. i will fight for you and defend you from everyone who tries or thinks of even hurting you. when necessary, i’ll defend you from myself. i would and will do anything for you; not just as your partner/person, but also as your friend, confidante, companion, and whatever else you need me to be.

if you let me, i promise that i will try my hardest to make you happy all the days of my life. i will be faithful, honest, respectful, and i will try my best. i’m not perfect at all. i still look in the mirror – and/or i look within – and i wish that i was a different person. i wish that i was better than what i am; that i wasn’t as stubborn, self-deprecating, insecure, self-sabotaging, fearful, and weak. i only ask that you love and accept me as i am, and i will do the same.

i will screw up. i’ll say and/or do the wrong thing every once in a while. i won’t always get it right. i won’t always be happy. i will have my moments where i push you away even when every cell in body is screaming at me to reach out to you for help and support. please bear with me, and please forgive me for any pain i may put you through. with all my heart, i promise that it is not intentional. hurting you is the last thing i want to do – i swear.

i also don’t want to restrict or change you, or make you feel like you have to behave a certain way or do/say/think differently. i love you for you; and not for what the unrealistic and idealistic parts of my brain dictate the love of my life to be (no doubt due to me consuming too much romantic fiction for my health). i don’t want or need a perfect love. i just need you and your love.

i love you, and i want you to let me to in a way that will cross the boundary of a typical friendship. i would also love it if you felt the same, and i do not wish for you to feel coerced or pressured into returning my feelings. in fact, if you feel even an inkling of doubt at any point in time, just say the word and i’ll back off. i’ll let you go. i’ll set you free. no doubt, it’ll be one of the most agonising and difficult things i’ll ever do, but i want you to be happy even if it is without me and/or because of someone else.

i felt an inkling of this sensation when we first got to know each other, but now that i’ve known you for over a year i can confirm and declare it with confidence. you are my person. you are it for me. you are my endgame.

when i was (or thought i was) in love in the past, it fogged my mind. it completely consumed me and became my identity. i almost made the same mistake with you, but the breakup – and the few months we weren’t talking – really opened my eyes. i learned that pursuing a romantic relationship with you instead of simply appreciating the relationship we already had nearly destroyed you. when i’m not hyper-focused on my feelings for you, i can truly enjoy my time with you. i can be present in the moments and the memories in the making. i can learn more about you, and i can learn more from you. i become calmer and more centred.

loving you is no longer the centre of my life. it, however, makes my life more enjoyable and worthwhile. it makes me want to be a better person. you make me want to be a better person.

you’ve taught me some of the most important lessons in my life – including how to not take things for granted; how to persevere through the difficult times; how to find happiness in the unlikeliest of places; etc. above all, you have taught me what true love is. love is not a Wattpad book, romance movie, or a painless and picture-perfect scenery.

love is challenging, complex, confusing, and not for the faint of heart. it has no recipe, formula, or structure. it is the strongest and most fragile thing to ever exist. it exists in abundance, and humanity often takes it for granted, and misuses, misinterprets, and wastes it. love is not an end goal or destination. it is not a beginning or end. it’s a-fucking-lot, that’s what it is.

however, it is worth it. when you have the right person, the amount of tears, sacrifice, suffering, pain, and difficulty pales in comparison to the ultimate joy, blessing, gift, and treasure that is love.

axel, you are worth waiting for.

you are worth fighting for.

you are worthy and deserving of the greatest and most beautiful love to ever exist.

i hope and pray that i will be that lucky person who will give you the love that you deserve.

in case it wasn’t already clear, i love you. with a clear, sound, sober, and unbiased mind – and a determined and persistent heart with quite a few abrasions and stitches in it – i love you. differently and more than i have ever loved anyone in my life. i love you. i admire you. i respect you. i appreciate you.

 i want you in every capacity, every category, every city, scenario, universe, timeline, and lifetime.

my belief in god wavers every day, but my belief in us is as solid as the house that was built on the rock. i truly believe that you are my person, and i will continue to work hard to be the person that you deserve.

one day – god willing – we’ll live in a spacious apartment/house/dwelling/whatever together. we’ll have at least 2 bedrooms and a guest room, so that you can sleep in your own room when you need your space, and you can have a sleepover in mine whenever you want. we’ll get tile flooring so that we don’t have to worry about vacuuming. we’ll get a dishwasher, or i’ll wash and rinse the dishes and you can dry and pack them away. you’ll sweep and i’ll mop. we’ll both handle laundry. we’ll teach each other new recipes; i’ll try my best to nail your ouma’s date bread and you’ll get me hooked on mango cheesecake.

should we ever marry – which is my greatest heart’s desire – i will ask for your sister's permission, because i know how much she means to you.

if i’m rich enough, i’ll get someone to perform for us at our wedding. i highly doubt that it’ll be skz, but i’ll make sure that this artist does our songs justice.

i want to give you the world, for you make mine better by simply being in it.

i love you, axel engelbrecht, with everything that i am. everything that i will be.

i am so grateful that you exist, and i am so grateful that i know you, and that you are part of my life.

you are my person, my best friend, my happiness, my laughter, my joy, my hope, my love, my confidence, and everything that you are is phenomenal. everything that you are is more than enough for me.

here always,

your sunshine

[sunshinestaytiny]

I didn't fall in love with you.

Falling would imply that it was a misstep; a moment of weakness or clumsiness.

Everyday I walk with the confidence of knowing that how I feel about you is unparalleled to anything I have ever felt before.

I walk with pride knowing that some days will be difficult, and that you are worth the pain and more.

I may stumble, but I will never fall.

I will always walk in love.

For you.

With you.