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literaila · 3 years

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a void on your side of the bed.

loki x gn!reader

summary: loki is feeling lonely. and guilty about that.

here was the thing:

loki tried not to ask for too much. he tried to be the perfect partner, the perfect person just for you.

he didnt complain when you wanted to sleep in, or when he was supposed to make you breakfast (he enjoyed doing that). he wasnt upset when you asked him to ‘clean up’ around the house, or when you refused to buy him any more ice cream.

he tried to eliminate any problems-- never been done before by the god of mischief --he might cause before they even appeared, and tried to give you anything and everything you might want.

it wasnt a hard task, actually. he liked the feeling in his chest when you smiled at him, when you were grateful for his help or when he surprised you with something that made your life just a little bit better. he liked taking care of you, causing less trouble than before.

but. it was really hard not to complain when you werent paying attention to him.

when you needed space for just a bit too long for his liking. when he felt like an interruption every time he attempted to make any small talk with you, and you sighed-- almost reluctantly --before turning to him.

he knew you were busy, and he knew that you wanted to get as much work done as you could during the day. he just didnt like it.

he didnt like not conversing with you during the day, not cuddling with you on the couch during lunch while you snacked on something beside him. he didnt like leaving you alone until it was nine o’clock at night and you looked like you were contemplating murder.

he felt lonely. and he just missed you.

and, gods, he was really trying not to complain.

he was really trying not to make this a bigger struggle for you by stealing any of your time. he knew how hard you were working, knew that it drained all the life out of you by the end of the day, knew that the last thing you needed was him telling you that he was upset.

he was used to not sharing his emotions, to building up walls and keeping all his thoughts locked in. but usually, he didnt have to do that with you.

it was all looking up for loki when the week was coming to a slow end. friday night, he felt excited to get you back for at least two days, to steal all the time he could from you before you got annoyed of him. he got his usual smirk back when you came out of your office friday night, giving him a soft smile as you headed to the bedroom.

this was it, he knew. tomorrow morning, he wasnt going to let you leave bed until at least noon.

he fell asleep that night, arms tucked around you, lips smiling against your head, with thoughts of the next day filling his dreams.

so, when he woke up in the morning, colder than usual, a void where you were laying in his arms, it wasnt surprising that he was feeling more upset than before.

disappointment was a violent emotion.

still, he walked out of the room with some hope left, that maybe you were just drinking coffee and eating breakfast while you waited for him.

that hope disappeared when he heard the familiar click-clacking from the room you had proclaimed was your office.

you were working. again. and loki was alone. again.

he felt a groan building up in his chest, a terrible feeling filling him as he listened for your breathing. he knew it was madness to miss you this much when you were only a door away, but he wasnt used to spending days away from you.

he reminded himself that you were right there with a bitter laugh.

he was trying not to be angry or disappointed with you, he knew that it wasnt fair to put you at the end of the blame when you didnt even know how he was feeling and that it wasnt fair for him to want you to stay with him of every second of every day. to ask for so much.

he turned toward the bedroom again and tried to drown his emotions in reading.

it wasnt really working, but at least when he was this far away from you he didnt feel like you were ignoring him.

at around noon, after hours of re-reading the same chapter over and over again and illusioning himself as his brother and throwing a fake hammer around, he finally decided that you needed lunch, at least. he decided that bringing lunch was a perfectly acceptable thing for a significant other to do.

(and hopefully, it wouldnt annoy you too much)

“my love,” he called, knocking on the door. “i’ve brought you sustenance”

you replied a quick ‘come in!’ and loki put a smile on his face, walking in the room deviously and grinning down at you in your chair.

“thank you, loki,” you whispered, kissing his cheek when he leaned to place the plate on your desk, rubbing a hand down his arm when you looked back at the screen in front of you.

loki tried not to preen too much at the touch.

“how are you, love?” he asked, bending down to stare at the screen with you. he didnt understand anything about it, but it was still fun to pretend. to include himself with you.

“oh, tired,” was all you said as you leaned over to type something yet again. loki frowned at your words and focused his attention on your face instead.

you looked perfectly normal, perfect and normal, he supposed. your eyes were bright and your face was blank, but still, loki was worried over your words.

“maybe you could take a break for lunch then?” he asked, bringing a hand to your face and tracing your jawline with his thumb. he was trying to sound casual, to not let the hope that you might concede slip.

“i wish i could,” you sighed and looked over at him with a smile, taking the hand that was on your face and placing a gentle kiss on his palm. he froze under the attention. “thank you, sunshine, for lunch. i adore you,” you kissed him again, and turned away.

his hand was still in the air, left behind.

your words were sweet. exactly what loki wanted to hear, really, but he heard the unspoken dismissal of his presence. he knew this was your way of asking him to leave, even if you didnt realize it.

he wanted to plead with you to let him stay.

he stood up instead, not letting the sigh escape his lips in the room with you, and headed toward the door. he touched the doorknob, feeling all the emotions building up in his chest. making their way through his body like a stampede.

it was all very much for him. this disappointment that he could barely hide anymore. the loneliness he knew he had to return to in the other room.

before he realized it, the words were slipping from his lips.

“have i done something wrong?” his usual teasing tone was there, his usual indicator for dramatics, but when you looked at him the look on his face was much more serious than his tone.

you frowned immediately, and loki scolded himself. “quite the opposite really, sweets. you just brought me lunch?”

“right, of course.” he nodded to go, but you stopped him.

“is there something wrong, loki?” you were turned towards him completely, concern tainting both your face and your tone. loki felt terrible like he shouldn’t have said anything at all.

he tried to put on a smile. “no, darling.”

but you werent easy to trick, he knew, and you scowled at him. “loki.” you were staring at him with your intimidating eyes now, only slightly soft because you were worried. even to a god, it was scary.

reluctantly, he nodded. avoiding your eyes now.

“come sit, sunshine,” you said, gesturing to the couch next to your desk. loki could hear the concern more now, stronger. he winced and took a seat.

after a few moments of silence and loki looking at the wall with furrowed eyebrows, you spoke first. “whats wrong?”

he sighed, feeling silly. you were supposed to be working and he was interrupting that with childish emotions that he could deal with himself. but still, he couldnt help but feel grateful at your asking.

“we havent been spending as much time together recently and..” he stopped, still avoiding his eyes to run a hand through his hair. “i suppose i’m feeling a bit..excluded? or maybe lonely?” he winced, sighed, looked like the perfect definition of regret. “i dont know” he said, almost silent.

but while loki was feeling ridiculous, you were looking upon him with something similar to horror in your eyes. terror at the thought of hurting him.

you were well aware that you’d been working more, the exhaustion every night made sure of it, but you hadnt realized that it was taking a toll on loki too, that he was... missing you while you were preoccupied.

you hadnt even considered it, really, when you longed to go watch a movie with him or have dinner together. your clinginess wasnt surprising, but loki?

he never seemed to mind space.

your brain took a few seconds to process it before you could speak again. “i’m so sorry, loki.” you were already pleading with him, begging for forgiveness.

how could you have disregarded him so much this week? you felt disgusted at the thought.

loki’s head snapped up in shock. he thought you might be tired with his admission, maybe even upset. not... regretful? he didnt expect to see this look on your face, one that was so disappointed, so loving.

“i didnt realize that you might be feeling lonely also, which is completely unthoughtful of me, i just thought that maybe-” you were gesturing with your hands, looking around the room rapidly as you used all your breath.

“you arent upset?” loki asked carefully, interrupting your rambling.

you paused, then blinked, looking at him curiously. he was serious, that much you could tell. he had that same frown on his face. you blinked again.

“upset?” you repeated, astounded. “why would i be upset?”

loki was just as confused as you now. he scratched his neck, looking down. “because i’m getting in the way of your work, interrupting you, being troublesome?” he said it as if he was trying to ring any bells in your head. he seemed sure of every word he spoke.

all you felt was more horror.

“your emotions are not interruptions or ‘troublesome’“ you mocked his accent, mostly with anger at yourself as you scowled at the floor. your words were harsh, but loki didnt flinch away. he still didnt understand.

“they aren’t?”

your eyes snapped up to his, guilt pouring from them. immediately, you jumped up from your chair, coming to sit next to him and taking his hand in yours. his face relaxed a bit at the feel of your touch. “of course they’re not, loki. if you’re upset i want to know. you and your feelings arent burdens on my day, i love you!” you promised him with strong eyes, with a strong grip on his hand.

it was probably the most important thing in the world to you that he knew this. that he didnt feel unwanted again.

“i love you too” he answered, quickly, before he even had the chance to think over your words.

he almost smiled when he did, proud of himself, of you, for seemingly no reason. you loved him.

it was nice to hear.

it was also nice to hear the softness in your voice, the sweet words, his name. it was nice to be sitting next to you.

he was hit was a sudden burst of longing, this time for something different.

he wished he would’ve talked to you days before, wished there was more he could do. if that had happened, he might’ve saved you both from some unwanted feelings. might’ve kept you from the sorrow that you still had on your face.

you were still upset, he knew.

“i’m sorry i’ve been so busy. that i havent spent enough time with you,” the words fell from your lips before you could stop them, despite the happy look on loki’s face. you still felt horrible, guilty for making loki feel anything but joy.

“its okay, darling, i know you have a lot of work to do.”

though his words were sweet, they only made you scoff.

“thats not an excuse.” you insisted, scowling again. “i havent been taking care of you,”

loki, who no longer felt disappointed or lonely, who was enjoying just the sound of your voice and feel of your skin, frowned with you. he didnt like the pain in your voice, the anger he could hear.

he really wasnt upset anymore, never upset with you, to begin with. he was only glad that you knew he’d missed you and that you seemed to feel the same. he was happy to see you away from your desk.

his brows furrowed.

then he smiled again, leaning in closer to you with an idea.

he lifted your face towards him with gentle fingers, admiring you before he spoke. “i know how i’d like you to make it up to me,” he said, smirking at you.

it was a familiar look. one you hadnt seen in far too many days.

“you do?” you asked him, forgetting your guilt for a moment while he stared at you.

he nodded, staring down at your lips. his damned smirk was glued to his face now, distracting you from anything besides him. “i rather think you’ll enjoy it..” he assured.

and then he kissed you, and guilt was the last thing on your mind.

the thing was: loki was already the perfect person for you.

#loki x you #loki imagine #loki x reader #loki spoilers #loki #loki laufeyson #loki layfeyson imagine #loki layfeyson x reader #marvel fanfic #marvel #loki (marvel)#mcu imagine #mcu

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ithisatanytime · 4 years

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Boring ass shit about my sleep schedule with some potentially really helpful advice reddit style, its long too, bonus jew stuff at the end. here ill help you out the advice is if you are experiencing a depressive episode stay up for a couple days, look how long this title is, are you sure you want to do this?

ever since i was a kid i had a hard time sleeping at night and i distinctly remember going to bed at seven pm, and being bored shitless until the following morning, this happened WAY to frequently. it wasnt that i had a nocturnal circadian rhythm because half the time, my sleep schedule was borderline normal, the other half i was nocturnal and in the middle a fucking hell ride week where of the seven days in a week i would sleep on two of those days, so 48 hour days and 56 hour days abound. what i eventually figured out is that if there is such a thing as delayed sleep phase syndrome i have it. typically you find it in blind people or just regular joes isolated from all external incators of what time it is (sunshine,moonshine,bird noises etc) they found when isolated like this most peoples schedule would shift from a 24 hour to a 25 hour day or something close to that, in practice it means everyday your body will gear you up for sleep an hour later and you will wake up an hour later, this is aaverage, lets say you hold a job and you gotta be up by six, well for part of your month you will average about an hour less sleep every night, until you have no sleep for several nights, and eventually it swings back around and reses. what i learned from school and every job i ever had is that, your body doesnt seem to actually give a fuck when or how long you sleep, it tells you in no uncertain terms it doesnt want to be up for instance even if you had gotten a full eight hours, this is not normal groginess and sometimes you will feel as though you are fucking full on wasted drunk (without the fun) even though you managed through drugs or force of will to get a full nights rest uninterrupted. or lets say you try to shift your sleep schedule because your body is telling you to go to bed at 2 PM and that is impossible to accomplish for any days in a row, try it sometime, let your peeps know you are turning in at 2 pm and suddenly you are the worlds most important man, the world doesnt function without you in it doing mundane shit. anyway i digress, you say up for 24-48 hours, telling yourself i will go to sleep at like ten pm, or just some regular human hour, after 48 hours i shit you not, you will get a second wind if you push past the 2pm bedtime your body so retardedly desires and you will be up again until 2-4 pm the following evening, and if you do manage to fall asleep at some regularish nightime hour you will be displeased to find yourself waking up about two hours later and on exactly the same circadian rhythm you started with. now because i cant expect the whole world to revolve around my convoluted bullshit, other people will urge you to adapt, and they usually arent friendly about it. but i tried everything before i found what “works” which is just adapting to working with accute sleep deprivation. you see once my circadian rhythym hits that “go to bed at 3pm” mark, for a full week i will stay up for 48-56 hours at least twice. usually two days, a day where i sleep at some random time for a few hours, and then three days of zero sleep. no one would choose this because fucking youtube is just too entertaining to miss. anyway now on to the potentially useful advice.

once you have been up for 36-48 hours you will enter into accute sleep deprivation, and accute sleep deprivation is the most sure fire way ever discovered to snap someone out of a deep depressive episode. there have been many studies on this, google it. and im here to tell you it works. in fact it works a little too well, because often i find myself in a position where due to life circumstances, the weather, the phases of the moon, i will be deeply depressed for a long stretch, this time it was a solid month, no breaks (until this week) but as soon as acute sleep deprivation came on, it totally subsided, i life my ass off all fucking day and night, not quite manic, but just happy. finding joy in the little things again. the problem comes when after multiple days of not sleeping you stop wanting to sleep, because you know full well that you will wake up feeling down in the dumps, and besides you feel great. but you arent great, you WILL see things, not clowns or dead relatives, the most common hallucination i get is seeing distinctly spider like movement in the corners of your vision, it will make you jump and it will happen often, there are plenty more side effects that are worse, but i find that one the most interesting, i recal reading a study where they would show individuals benign photographs, leaves on trees, sailboats, shit like that, and for some infinitesimally small amount of time, a couple milliseconds the shape of a spider would appear the image, and most participants had a measurable fear response. the amount of time the image was displayed should have made it impossible to visually analyze what they were seeing, faster than the response to most things, and it may have been the same study or i might be confounding it with another similar study, but even VERY young infants show fear response when it comes to spiders, with a very low likelihood of it being a learned experience (too young). i have suspected for along time that early man must have dealt with a particularly small venomous arachnid that was enough of a threat that we developed specialized hardware in our brains to detect and react to spiders. and when we are in acute sleep withdrawal this particular bit of brain hardware malfunctions. i wonder also if this isnt related to formication ( the feeling of bugs crawling on the skin you pervert) being a common symptom of many neurological disorders and as a drug side effect. maybe this very distinct feeling was selected for in light of that same dangerous arachnid.

all that to say, if you feel super fucking depressed, and its bad, just dont sleep for a day and a half, two days. it might only be a temporary fix but sometimes thats all it takes to build a little momentum. one of the strangest realizations i had (way too late in life like most of my epiphanies) was that the average person or rarely if ever stays up for 24 hours plus let alone fifty plus sixty plus, which for me is a monthly occurrence. i may be down playing the difficulty of achieving this for the average joe, and especially the average depressed joe. remember kids, thats ACUTE sleep deprivation not CHRONIC sleep deprivation. meaning it has to be all in one go, missing few hours here and there likely contributed to your depressive episode in the first place. go big or go home.

I’d like to go on to describe my view of “depression” at length here but this is already long as hell (im on my second 40+ hour stretch this week) so ill save it for another time, but long story short (we’ll see) the understanding of it as a “chemical imbalance” has little scientific backing and the most commonly utilized treatment (selective serotonin re-uptake inhibitors or SSRIs) have equally scant data to support their effectiveness beyond edge cases according to the available literature. i suspect and im not alone in this (it might actually be the scientific consensus i dont remember) is that depression is an evolutionary adaption, when faced with a complex problem we become lethargic, our reward center doesnt dole out that sweet sweet dopamine and our brains enter a state conducive to solving complex long term problems. unfortunately in our modern world of today (parenthesis) most of our problems are socioeconomic, with a much larger emphasis on the economic, our problems arent tribal or communal (thanks to bad actors obliterating community life in the west) though some our. depression isnt really conducive to regularly attending night classes and networking for like two fucking years, so now depression is seen as maladaptive. i however think certain bad actors spent 80 years at least (it was definitely more than that but the effects of their hard work became very apparent starting in the sixties,) making life intentionally way fucking harder for westerners in ways that would make anyone with a brain kind of depressed. then they just “diagnosed” the natural response to the traditions and rules we used to organize our societies in a way that ensured the most amount of life satisfaction for the largest number of people possible. they then sold them the “cure” which in my experience, makes matters significantly worse for a large chunk of the patients, my only seriously suicidal period also happened to be when i had been newly prescribed SSRI’s (the circumstances that let me to hop on SSRI’s certainly contributed and confounds my anecdote) but also the only serious suicide attempts i had seen were under the same circumstances (i seen some gnarly hit). heres the kicker, SSRI’s arent even the main “cure” they were peddling to fix the depression they caused, the main cure for the modern world (see wiemar era germany) is opiate class drugs!! the purdue company is not owned by frenchmen, though the ceo, Mr. SACKLER passed away this year and the tribe have in recent times (less than a year) been shuffling out tribesmen for non tribesmen faces to head these companies, they had gotten lazy about it in the past handful of decades, who was counting after all? id love to go into detail about how the tribe has traditionally made a good chunk of its living peddling vice to no none europeans, and how doctors and dentists were handing out vicodin, norco and percocet like candy for decades which led to our current opioid crisis but jesus christ this is long and no one is reading it but you, im not even gonna proofread it, its your problem now.

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allworldus · 6 years

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When is The Best Time to Visit St. Barts?

If you’re about to enjoy a st. barts honeymoon, a vacation of a lifetime, or you simply want to go somewhere tropical you’re in for a great time. St. Barts is a stunning part of the world and its incredible beaches and glorious weather are just some of the reasons why more and more tourists visit this destination every year.

But when is the best time to visit St. Barts? Is it in the height of the summer or later on in the year? Let’s take a look at this now so you know exactly when to book your vacation:

December to March

If you know anything about St. Barts, chances are you’ll know that the best time to visit the area is between the months of December and March. While hotel and villa stays may cost a little more at this time of year, you will be welcomed with a lot of sunshine and very little rain. The high season typically runs in the last 2 weeks of December when many people enjoy a sun-filled Christmas. However, if you fancy celebrating the festive season in the sun, you should book your vacation as soon as you can as rooms and villas tend to fill quite quickly. Prices can be quite high during December and early January, particularly when schools are out for the Christmas holidays. If you enjoy going on vacation when there aren’t many people around you should opt to visit St. Barts another time of the year.

January typically sees temperatures of just 29°C (84°F), and these temperatures can last until March, however, if you’ve arrived in St. Barts from a cooler part of the world you should find the weather quite pleasant.

During the month of January St. Barts has its annual Music Festival which is always worth a visit. The area will also be home to the local ‘Fun Cup’, a Caribbean water event in which many locals and visitors to the area are happy to compete in. The month of February brings with it the Carnival, and in late March visitors can expect to enjoy seeing the impressive Bucket Regatta take place.

April to June

The beautiful island usually sees some sunny weather that’s intermittently interrupted by a few showers and storm clouds. The good news is that between these months you’ll still have more sunny days than rainy ones. Villa and hotel prices tend to be a little cheaper, but you may want to book your vacation as soon as you can.

The St Barts Film Festival takes place every April and is worth seeing. In late April to early May visitors to the area will see the West Indies Regatta take place and in May the island celebrates its Victory Day so it’s worth staying around for that if you have the chance.

July to August

Many hotels and a few villas in the area tend to close in July and August as the hurricane season hits the island. However, you’re likely to see a lot less rain than you will in the spring or Autumn. If you choose to risk it and visit St. Barts in July and August you should expect to stay in the area for a lot less. If you’re a little anxious about booking a vacation during the hurricane season, do not worry, satellite surveillance will give you plenty of warning. This may well mean that you’ll need to batten down the hatches for a day or two, but the hurricane will pass and usually without the need to evacuate anyone.

Despite the hurricane season hitting the island there are still a few events that take place. The SB JAM Music Festival is nothing short of delightful and takes place in July as does Bastille Day which is always worth sticking around for.

September to November

During the months of September to November, the island sees more hurricanes than at any other time of the year. However, if a hurricane does not hit there will be a lot of rain. In November, the rain tends to disappear and more tourists visit the island, as the weather starts to improve and hotels and villas open once more. During the month of September, you should start to see temperatures reaching approximately 32°C (90°F), helping you to shake off those cold autumn temperatures you had back home.

You should be aware that some resorts close during September so they can complete those all-important renovations. This means you may not be able to book a stay in the first hotel or villa of your choice but there will be something available.

While the beautiful island of St. Barts is a wonderful place to enjoy your vacation at any time of the year if you love the sun you may want to head here in December through until March. If you don’t mind the occasional bit of rain then vacationing in this part of the world between April and June is well worth it. July and August tend to be relatively quiet months with the odd rain shower, but it can still be quite pleasant here. Finally, the months of September through until November usually see more hurricanes but the weather starts to improve.

So now you know when the best of the weather and the worst of the weather hits the island. This means you can book your wonderful vacation in this stunning part of the world and pack your suitcase accordingly. I look forward to seeing you on the beautiful island of St. Barts!

The post When is The Best Time to Visit St. Barts? appeared first on AllWorld.com.

source https://www.allworld.com/when-is-the-best-time-to-visit-st-barts/

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