#sunday crackday

[oldguardhc]

Old Guard hc #168

Nobody trusts what Nicky says about food. This man has the world’s best poker face and he will absolutely lie straight to your face.

He ate a ghost pepper and convinced everyone that it was sweet and that they should try it. It was not sweet. It was like eating fire.

Green bananas. “Not that bitter,” he said, like the filthy liar he is.

A weird citrus fruit they picked in the jungle. “It’s sweet!” Nicky takes another bite just to sell the lie. It was sourest thing they’ve ever tasted. Joe swears that fruit killed his enamel.

Dog food. Technically, dog treats. He ate some dog treats and fooled Booker into eating some as well.

Nicky knows that Joe hates celery. Raw, cooked, he doesn’t care, he hates it. So sometimes, just because he’s married to Joe doesn’t mean he’s off limits, he tricks Joe into eating something with celery. Puréed soups are the easiest and Joe does not consume green puréed soups anymore.

They definitely don’t trust him at self-serving places.

Nicky is the most polite guest though! Food could be burnt and he will lie and say it’s delicious.

[meryllfrey]

These Stark kids just keep getting weirder.

[oldguardhc]

Old Guard hc #162

One of the first things Nicky does when they Quynh back is take her to an arcade. I’m talking about those giant, Dave and Busters, Excalibur, Circus Circus type of arcades where parents can just see their money and will to live drain. So he takes her to one of those arcades with five grand in each of their pockets, and they destroy the place. They set new high scores on every single game. The basketball shooting game, skeeball, pinball, the fruit ninja arcade version, the one where you put coins and have to push coins off the belt, the one where you have to stop the light in front of you, every single game. Between the two of them, they get 86,237 tickets. This is only on the arcade game side. 

They also play the rigged carnival games. They toss ping pong balls into small fish bowls. Quynh knocks down weighted milk bottles. Popping balloons with darts? Please, give them a challenge. They do the horse race where you have to roll a ball into the holes to get them to move. Shooting water into a tiny hole? They can do that in their sleep. 

They win a ton of prizes. Giant teddy bears that completely dwarf Quynh. Yoga balls covered in a velvet fabric. Cheap guitars. Video game consoles. They keep two small stuffed animals (twin bears) and give the rest away. It’s the best day Quynh’s had in over 500 years. 

[oldguardhc]

Old Guard hc #148

Nicky loves lying on the floor. He will always sprawl out on the floor even though there’s a perfectly good couch or bed right next to him. If there’s a super soft carpet, there’s no way Nicky’s not going to lie on it. He’s practically obligated to lie on it. He’s fallen asleep under the kitchen table, next to the couch, on their bedroom floor. He just really likes lying on the floor much to Joe’s chagrin.

[oldguardhc]

Old Guard hc #188

One time, Nicky forgot what the regular human life span was. He was talking to their neighbor and he was like, “You’re nine—ninety, right?” And the neighbor was all ???? “I’m 26.” It would’ve been five if Nicky nodded and left it at that. Instead, he looks at the neighbor all concerned and asks, “Do you have long left?”

It still haunts him at night.

[oldguardhc]

Old Guard hc #184

Back in the early 2000s, the team bought a razor scooter. Joe’s reasoning was that it looked like fun and if little kids can ride it, then so can he. Riding was easy. They all got the hang of it pretty quickly. It was when they started adding tricks that things went downhill. They started with little hops in the driveway. Nicky was the first one to go down with the dreaded scooter to ankle injury. It healed in thirty seconds, but he remained on the ground for a solid two minutes, cradling his knee to his chest. Joe lightly kicked his husband to get up, to stop being a giant baby, he’s been stabbed in the foot before, this is nothing, Nicolò. Famous last words. On his next turn, he tried to spin the deck, but he didn’t jump high enough so he landed before it finished rotating and Joe swears he shattered his right ankle. It was Nicky’s turn to playfully antagonize his husband. Who’s acting like a baby now? Stand up, Yusuf, it doesn’t hurt that much. You’ve been stabbed before too.

Andy was so close to landing the handlebar spin trick. She missed the handle on her way down and ended up in a roll five feet away from the scooter. Booker did a wheelie for two seconds. Everyone saw it. It was the coolest two seconds of the entire day, hell, week. They all, unfortunately, saw him land flat on his ass a second later. After wincing in sympathy, they could all almost feel the sharp pain shooting up their spine, they dissolved into a puddle of giggles. They got their ass handed to them by a kids toy. Over 9 thousand years of experience between the four of them and a scooter beat them.

They melted the scooter into four hand knives.

[oldguardhc]

Joe bought a spray bottle and every time Booker does something wrong, he gets sprayed.

Booker: I fucking hate myself.

Joe, without looking up from his book, grabs spray bottle and sprays sad french man: Bad.

Booker arguing about how throwing knives are better than swords, water dripping down his face as Joe continues to spray him. “Pause, I gotta refill,” Joe interrupts, shaking his hand out. He switches hands when he gets back.

Booker: That’s the hottest person here

Joe, dumps entire bottle on Booker’s head: Wrong, Nicky’s in this room

Joe spraying Booker’s face until he wakes up. “That’s our bed, yours is by the window.”

[oldguardhc]

Old Guard hc #195

The guard definitely have loyal crows all around the world. A couple of weeks of training and then decades, possibly centuries since crows teach the younger ones, of benefits to reap. Most are trained to make warning signals if they catch people sneaking up on the guard or if they need to count heads. No one ever suspects crows so they’re perfect. Then there are the crows that live in places where the guard went to rest and decided to mess around. These crows are interesting. They make heart formations at sunset. They steal knives. They judge you if you gain weight. They caw at people as they leave buildings and literally scare the shit out of them. They’re a bunch of menaces. The guard loves all of them.

[oldguardhc]

Old Guard hc #107

Every time Nicky washes dishes, he ends up blowing bubbles. He’s got a perfect water to dish soap ratio. His bubbles last at least a minute and they get freaking huge. The biggest bubble he’s ever blown using just his hands was the size of a beach ball. He excitedly held it in his hands and called everyone into the kitchen to look! Look! It’s huge!! After Andy got over her realization that this is why Nicky always takes so long to wash dishes, she was impressed. Joe took a picture of Nicky and his bubble and it’s one of the purest photos in his camera roll.

[oldguardhc]

Old Guard hc #164

Nicky is always saying that he doesn’t need gifts, that Joe is a gift, so for Valentine’s Day, Joe combines two things Nicky loves, himself and chocolate! He has a special mold made and after weeks of learning how to temper chocolate, he makes the gift on February 13th while Nicky is out buying groceries.

Nicky is surprised, to say the least, when Joe presents his gift. His eyes go wide and they travel between Joe and the gift several times as he tries to find the right, well any, words.

“So?” Joe thinks that Nicky likes it. It hasn’t been three minutes of silence, so he’s still hopeful that this is the joyful silence.

“It’s beautiful,” Nicky chokes out and Joe pumps his fist. He knew Nicky would love it! He knew it! “But I can’t-I can’t eat this!”

“Sure you can! It’s milk chocolate.”

“It’s you,” Nicky emphasizes and duh. That is literally the whole point. “I would feel guilty.”

“You eat me ou-ow, okay okay, do you want me to make a cake with it? I can repurpose it!” Nicky snatches the gift of the table and hugs it to his chest. “Or not. I heard freezing chocolate makes it last long. And you know, I still have the mold, so I can make more.”

Nicky’s eyes light up. “More Joe’s?”

“More Joe’s,” he confirms. “As many you want.”

They don’t freeze the gift. Nicky has to close his eyes as he brings the mallet down the first time. His fear is quickly forgotten as he discovers the joy of hammering chocolate into tiny pieces.

Joe remembers what fear is as he watches his husband wack his chocolate head with a manic grin.

—

Of course, Joe doesn’t forget about the others. He makes four more busts, cookies and cream for Booker and Nile, dark chocolate for Quynh and ruby chocolate for Andy. Their faces are considerably less pleased. Well, half of them.

Booker is the grumpiest. “I see your ugly face everyday, why would I want to see it more?”

“My face is a gift,” Joe says, then, “I made the lips extra thick, don’t suck it off too fast.” He runs out of the room before the shoe can hit him in the back.

Nile is weirded out. “This is weird. You know this is weird right? Like really weird. Normal people don’t make chocolate busts of themselves.”

Joe shrugs. “Weird is a social construct.”

Andy and Quynh are ecstatic. “Chocolate!” They both shout. They immediately break off a decent sized piece for each other. After a minute of pornographic sounds, Andy gives him her impressed face and Quynh breaks off another piece. That’s the biggest compliment anyone could ever give him.

—

It doesn’t take long for Joe to regret the gifts. If he thought watching Nicky take a hammer to his chocolate head was disturbing, it has nothing on the others angrily biting into his chocolate face. They make eye contact and Joe wants to look away, but it’s like his neck is magnetically drawn to the horrific scene.

Joe will never forget Nile, sweet sweet Nile, glaring at him as she bites his nose off. There’s a satisfying crack that makes Joe wince and he promises to never put salt in her plants again.

Andy punches the bust when she’s upset with him. Her fist goes straight through his nose and out the other side. Occasionally, she goes from the top down. Every time, Joe swears that he won’t make her more, but then he remembers that it’s either his head, or the chocolate’s. He’s really good at tempering chocolate now.

Quynh claws pieces off. She curls her fingers and digs her nails in and Joe doesn’t know what bothers him more, the chocolate under her nails or that it’s his face (sort of) that she’s defiling.

Booker is an asshole and doesn’t even need to be upset. He’ll make strong eye contact while he gnaws on the chocolate until a piece breaks off. Then he’ll smile, teeth covered in a thin layer of cookies and cream and Joe doesn’t have the heart to tell him that he looks like an unhinged hobo.

On the bright side, Joe now knows how they would eat a head if they were zombies. Or cannibals.

[oldguardhc]

Old Guard hc #190

Nicky answers the phone like Phil Dunphy in front of Nile to make her smile. “What goes between graham crackers and chocolate? Marshmallow!” The first time he did it, she choked on her water and the person on the other end of the line could hear her wheezing for three minutes. “What colors are bees? Black and yellow!” She finds it incredibly endearing and laughs at his increasingly ridiculous pick-up heh lines. Her favorite is, “What’s the best city in the world? Chicago!” Damn right it is.

[oldguardhc]

Old Guard hc #175

Booker and Joe have two handshakes. One is super long and complicated, it has twenty steps and weird bird noises and it takes over a minute to execute. They use that one mainly for victory. The other one is a clap and fist bump. It’s their entryway to a hug or a friendly wrestling match or a slap to the ass.

[oldguardhc]

Old Guard hc #131

Joe buys some chocolate stuffed marshmallows and suddenly, everything is pre and post-chocolate stuffed marshmallows. He puts it in his coffee and stirs it until it melts and there’s a nice foamy, deliciously sweet layer of goodness on the top. He buys cookies and warms them in the toaster-oven with a marshmallow so that he has s’mores. He makes hot chocolate and puts five giant marshmallows in a tiny 12 oz mug. He makes so many rice crispies with different kinds of cereals and sometimes with cookies. He just really loves the chocolate stuffed marshmallows. Don’t even get him started on the other flavors.

[oldguardhc]

Old Guard hc #178

It’s tradition to pick a town and set up scarecrows in random locations. Nothing freaks people out more than at least thirty new scarecrows popping up around town overnight. Sometimes, they set them up around the perimeter of the town. Others, in the public restroom. On one memorable occasion, in a circle in the middle of the woods. They come back ten years later to check if people still talk about the scarecrows. They always do.

[oldguardhc]

Old Guard hc #176

Damn, it’s been awhile since I’ve done one of these 😅

Every single time Booker tries to do one of those cool explosions like in the movies, something always goes wrong.

Booker lights a match and drops it over the trail of gasoline he just laid. Except a gust of wind comes out of nowhere and blows the match four feet off course. Joe doesn’t stop teasing him about it for weeks.

He tries again with a zippo lighter four years later. He makes sure Joe is in sight, ready to finally prove himself. He flips the cap open, strikes down on the wheel, already smirking at Joe and nothing. He does it again. And again. He forgot to replace the flint. The teasing is twice as bad this time.

Lighters and matches are out. Detonation remotes are in. He spent weeks testing the remotes and range. He double checked the batteries. Everything should have gone according to plan. Turns out, it’s really hard to set off a bomb when there’s no signal.

He tries a timer. Those are practically fool proof. He doesn’t account for a bomb disposal technician on the other side.

[oldguardhc]

Old Guard hc #174

Andy has a unique talent. She spent a decade in modern day Canada where mountain goats live and she studied how they climbed the steep mountain cliffs. She fell a lot. Thousands of times and every single time she fell, several goats would bahh in encouragement. She got so good and so fast that there’s a tribe who has a story about a supernatural being who haunts the cliffs.