#Nicky hayes watching the others eat the head but he freaking loves destroying the busy with the mallet

[oldguardhc]

Old Guard hc #164

Nicky is always saying that he doesn’t need gifts, that Joe is a gift, so for Valentine’s Day, Joe combines two things Nicky loves, himself and chocolate! He has a special mold made and after weeks of learning how to temper chocolate, he makes the gift on February 13th while Nicky is out buying groceries.

Nicky is surprised, to say the least, when Joe presents his gift. His eyes go wide and they travel between Joe and the gift several times as he tries to find the right, well any, words.

“So?” Joe thinks that Nicky likes it. It hasn’t been three minutes of silence, so he’s still hopeful that this is the joyful silence.

“It’s beautiful,” Nicky chokes out and Joe pumps his fist. He knew Nicky would love it! He knew it! “But I can’t-I can’t eat this!”

“Sure you can! It’s milk chocolate.”

“It’s you,” Nicky emphasizes and duh. That is literally the whole point. “I would feel guilty.”

“You eat me ou-ow, okay okay, do you want me to make a cake with it? I can repurpose it!” Nicky snatches the gift of the table and hugs it to his chest. “Or not. I heard freezing chocolate makes it last long. And you know, I still have the mold, so I can make more.”

Nicky’s eyes light up. “More Joe’s?”

“More Joe’s,” he confirms. “As many you want.”

They don’t freeze the gift. Nicky has to close his eyes as he brings the mallet down the first time. His fear is quickly forgotten as he discovers the joy of hammering chocolate into tiny pieces.

Joe remembers what fear is as he watches his husband wack his chocolate head with a manic grin.

—

Of course, Joe doesn’t forget about the others. He makes four more busts, cookies and cream for Booker and Nile, dark chocolate for Quynh and ruby chocolate for Andy. Their faces are considerably less pleased. Well, half of them.

Booker is the grumpiest. “I see your ugly face everyday, why would I want to see it more?”

“My face is a gift,” Joe says, then, “I made the lips extra thick, don’t suck it off too fast.” He runs out of the room before the shoe can hit him in the back.

Nile is weirded out. “This is weird. You know this is weird right? Like really weird. Normal people don’t make chocolate busts of themselves.”

Joe shrugs. “Weird is a social construct.”

Andy and Quynh are ecstatic. “Chocolate!” They both shout. They immediately break off a decent sized piece for each other. After a minute of pornographic sounds, Andy gives him her impressed face and Quynh breaks off another piece. That’s the biggest compliment anyone could ever give him.

—

It doesn’t take long for Joe to regret the gifts. If he thought watching Nicky take a hammer to his chocolate head was disturbing, it has nothing on the others angrily biting into his chocolate face. They make eye contact and Joe wants to look away, but it’s like his neck is magnetically drawn to the horrific scene.

Joe will never forget Nile, sweet sweet Nile, glaring at him as she bites his nose off. There’s a satisfying crack that makes Joe wince and he promises to never put salt in her plants again.

Andy punches the bust when she’s upset with him. Her fist goes straight through his nose and out the other side. Occasionally, she goes from the top down. Every time, Joe swears that he won’t make her more, but then he remembers that it’s either his head, or the chocolate’s. He’s really good at tempering chocolate now.

Quynh claws pieces off. She curls her fingers and digs her nails in and Joe doesn’t know what bothers him more, the chocolate under her nails or that it’s his face (sort of) that she’s defiling.

Booker is an asshole and doesn’t even need to be upset. He’ll make strong eye contact while he gnaws on the chocolate until a piece breaks off. Then he’ll smile, teeth covered in a thin layer of cookies and cream and Joe doesn’t have the heart to tell him that he looks like an unhinged hobo.

On the bright side, Joe now knows how they would eat a head if they were zombies. Or cannibals.