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poguesofthebau · 4 years

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if you’re still doing ships, hi! im 5’4, blonde, blue-green eyes, super tan in summer super pale in winter lol. im super shy and introverted until i become comfortable with people, and then i become my loud self! i love adventure, and i definitely have a ‘no regrets’ mentality and try to get my friends to do stuff (oops) but im also really intuitive and logical so i know when to get out of those risky situations quickly! my two favorite things are coffee and hiking lol

super sorry for the wait on this one :( hope u enjoy!! i think it turned out a little longer than usual oops hehe

i ship you with john b!! (honorary mention: honestly very plausible that jj would be your brother, prob twinzies! best-friend-sibling energy, but also jj would literally do anything for or to protect you)

you would definitely have grown up being just like jj. the two of you would wreak havoc together, and then he would force you to let him take the fall for all of it so your dad wouldn’t set his sights on you. no one ever suspected you to be capable of the same things that jj was, until john b. after school one day, you and jj would’ve secretly sabotaged some other kid’s bike chain, watching the chaos that ensued as a result with proud looks before starting to head home. the next day at school, though, some kid from your class (surprise, it was john b!) would come up to you during recess when jj was off elsewhere. “i saw what you did yesterday,” jb would say coolly. you’d play dumb, and he’d give you that look, the john b already knows look that he’d spend the next 7 years giving you. “i stood right over here and watched you pull apart the kid’s bike while your brother stood watch.” you’d flush then, turning to find jj in the sea of children. john b would laugh at your actions. “wait, you don’t have to call your guard dog. i like your work.” and when jj conveniently spotted you chatting it up with john b a few minutes later, the pogues had formed.

as the years passed, and kie and pope came into the picture, things would change a lot for you. you were used to it being just you and your boys-- jj, your brother, and john b, the boy who had seen you when nobody else bothered. so when another girl entered the picture, your world was rocked a little. the only person who saw the worst of it was jj. you’d spend your middle school afternoons crying to your brother over john b having feelings for kie instead of you. jj would tell you every time. “dude, what makes you think he likes kie? you’re the only one who thinks that, idiot!” but it wouldn’t stop the tears from rolling down your flushed cheeks, so jj knew the truth wasn’t going to set anyone free in this situation. those few months were really hard for you, but they were also rough on jj and john b. jj was being forced to choose between his sister and his best friend, and john b spent all his time wondering why you never wanted to come by the chateau after school anymore. jj tried his best to separate your tears from john b, and jb was convinced you hated him for something he’d done without realizing. with all that tension in the air, it was no surprise to anyone when john b and jj got into their little scuffle.

you and jj had agreed to have a sibling night, and after stealing a few bucks from your dad’s wallet, you were heading out to get pizza and sodas and sit on the dock counting kooks. you never got so far as the dock, though, because when you walked into the local obx pizza parlour, you were met with the rest of the pogues. more importantly, john b and kie. being very comfortable with each other. john b had one arm around kie’s shoulders, and he was trying to force a kiss onto her face as she giggled and pushed him back. pope saw you first, having been searching for something else to see when he spotted the two of you. he smiled at you guys first, excited to see you both, but then he realized. pope wasn’t dumb-- he’d known that you were in love with john b since he met the pogues. so when he noted how pissed off jj looked, and how heartbroken you did, he realized how distasteful the entire situation was. he would clear his throat, getting john b’s attention and nodding at the two of you as you walked by, letting john b know you were there. you stepped up to the counter and began to order for you and jj, when john b decided he wanted to talk to you. as soon as he reached you, jj was putting his hands up and shoving him lightly in the chest. “she doesn’t wanna talk to you, bro.” “fuck that, jj,” john b would say lowly. just as you finished ordering, john b tried to step around jj to see you-- big mistake. when he moved, jj kicked his legs out from under him, knocking him on his ass and crouching on top of him. “jj, cut the shit,” you’d warn, grabbing him by the bicep and yanking him away from the other boy. “are you fucking trying to get arrested for fighting in a restaurant? or are you just stupid?” john b was getting up behind you, and you turned to give him a once-over, making sure he wasn’t hurt. “you really don’t wanna talk to me?” he’d word vomit, a lost puppy look on his face. “no, i really don’t. but i’m sure you could find someone else to talk to.” he’d watch your eyes flicker back to where pope and kie were nervously watching the whole scene. “that’s what you think? you really think i--” “i said i didn’t wanna talk, john b.” jj would take a step forward from his spot behind you, sending a reminder that he was still there. john b would nod, seemingly surprised. “okay. okay. just-- it’s not her, okay?” his eyes were wide as they stared into yours. “it’s not kie. it’s you. and it always has been, and it always will be.” he’d turn then, walking out of the restaurant with pope and kie following.

after another fifteen minutes, your food was ready and you were walking out of the restaurant. as soon as you turned the corner toward the parking lot, you’d collide with someone else-- someone with broad shoulders, and strong arms, who seemed to have been waiting for you. john b. “dude, do you ever give up?” jj would ask, seeming tired of fighting with his friend for the moment. “i just wanted to get an update,” he’d say, smiling softly at you. “see if you still didn’t wanna talk to me.” you just looked at him, cocking your head and failing to fight a smile. when you didn’t speak, john b continued to ramble. “i don’t know. i just thought maybe if i gave you some time to reconsider, you know, after what i told you back there. but maybe you didn’t get it? basically i was saying i don’t feel anything, anything for kie, i mean. i feel lots of stuff for you, in the least weird way possible. no offense. i mean--” and that’s when you kissed him, and jj groaned in displeasure behind you, and john b knew you were ready to talk.

#outer banks #obx #john b #john b routledge #jj maybank #jj #outer banks ships #obx ships #outer banks ship #obx ship #john b blurbs #john b blurb #outer banks blurbs #outer banks blurb

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earako · 7 years

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Magic mom

Gwen blinked at the sight in front of her. After all the parents left with their children she and David packed up the camp, the chances of them returning highly unlikely. She knew Max was going to stick around with David for a bit until they could solve things with the parents (or hopefully convince them to give David custody of Max) but she did not expect the residant magician to hang around. His parents didn't seem that bad.....did they seriously just abandon their kid at a no longer operating summer camp?

Gwen tapped David on the shoulder and geastured towards Harrison and Max curled up on one of the beds, asleep. She raised a brow in silent question.

The red head looked from the kids, to Gwen, then back to the kids. He chewed his bottom lip, opened his mouth to answer, closed it, then tried again.

"Harrisons parents....they....they said he was broken. I....when.....Gwen they were holding a rosary everytime Harrison was within 3 yards of them...."

"His parents treated their own child like a demon?" Gwen asked in disbelief. At Davids nod her concern grew.

"Do you remember what Harrisons mother said?"

Between Campbell and the pizza parlour Gwen couldn't really recall much, however she did seem to remember something about a brother disappearing.

She chewed the insde of her lip as she and David weighed their options. It wasn't likely that her co-counselor had enough to support two kids. He would need at lest two jobs just to support him and Max. And with Camp Campbell being shut down money would be tight for the both of them. There wasn't much she could do with a liberal arts and psych degree-

"We can't just leave them, Gwen."

"David, when the fuck did I say anything about leaving the lil shits?" David looked aside for a moment and chewed his lip again. "I....I don't know if I can give them a comfortable life-"

"Whoa, let me stop you right there." Gwen said as she held up a hand, indicating for David to be silent. "Who said you'd be taking both of them?"

"Er, w-well I know that you're super busy during off season, a-and the whole job hunting and-"

Gwen held up her hand again, effectively cutting off Davids rambling.

"Look, here's what will do. You take one lil shit, I'll take the other." David was about to protest but a glare had it die down in his throat

"I think we can land a shitty teaching job somewhere. That way we can keep an eye on the lil shits while they're at school. Sound good?"

"....S-sounds good." Davids voice cracked slightly as he gazed at the sleeping campers. Was this really happening? Did he and Gwen really just agree to essentislly be parents despite only being in their early twenties? He jumped when a hand clamped down on his shoulder.

"We better finish packing. It's late." He nodded as Gwen resumed her packing, holding back the urge to squeal as he saw Gwen place a blanket over the two boys out of his prephial vision.

#camp camp family au #cc gwen #cc david #cc max #cc harrison

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winchester-sisters-imagines · 7 years

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The Winchesters Go to Camp

Pairing: Gabriel x TwinSister!Reader

Words: 1,633

Forever Tag List: @capandbuck @bummblebeeblue @sarbear429 @bea789 @xtina2191@lovethefandomsuniverse @evyiione @trustnobodyshootfirst @motleymoose@thegoodhunterrr5 @bookaddictedhedgehog @gurlwitafro@ohmystars30 @aquabrie@fanboyswhereare-you @percussiongirl2017 @dionnemaria @sherlockslove112@sesshomaru-lover @freaksforthewin @neishax-butler @hi-pixzza @cookee50@captainidjit @imasunflower13 @clairedelalune @swimmer-sarcasm @lovelife-tothefullest@dylcole @almightyunnie @winchesterswantmypie @exploratiionist @dolliegirl16@aworldwideapart @i-want-to-be-watered-by-roger @captaindaudreystark

Request: Hi so I was wondering if you could do an imagine or something that's a Gabriel x reader at a summer camp? All the main characters could be there and they're all teenagers. Gabriel and cas could still be angels too. Sorry if this was hard to understand haha - Anonymous

Author’s Note: So whoever sent this in, also sent in a message saying that this was (I think) based off a movie called Ernest Goes To Camp. I have never seen that movie, so I’m going to be basing most of this from a book I read a few months ago called The Little Friend by Donna Tartt. In the book, the main character goes to a summer church camp for a little bit and she hates it! So that’s where a lot of the inspiration is coming from. Title is me ripping off Ernest Goes To Camp. I hope you all like it! Also, this will probably have a part 2! – Haley xx

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I stood at the front gate of the camp, watching the dust fall down from the dirt road. After dad had dropped us three off at camp, he spun away back to his normal life of drinking. My little brother Sam was standing behind me and my twin brother Dean had a hard grip on my shoulder. It wasn’t the first time our dad had dropped us all off with some person for a few weeks, but taking us all to a summer camp was a new low for him.

“This is bullshit,” Dean muttered.

“Ah, you three must be the Winchesters,” a voice said behind us. Dean let go of my shoulder and we all turned around. It was a man, way shorter than Dean, with dark curly hair. “I’m Chuck Shurley, the camp owner. If you all follow me, we will get you settled in.”

Chuck turned around and started walking down the dirt path to the camp. Dean sighed loudly, “alright, let’s go.”

We begrudgingly picked up our bags and followed Chuck. “I don’t want to be here,” Sam muttered.

“None of us do, Sammy,” I offered, “but we have no choice.”

“We’re going to have to sneak out,” Dean said in a hushed tone. “There’s no way in hell dad left us here for the entire summer.”

“And go where?” I asked. “Where in the middle of nowhere.”

“Bobby’s?” Sam suggested.

I shrugged. “Maybe, but a bunch of kids traveling by themselves is going to raise suspicion. Plus, Dad and Bobby hate each other.”

Chuck stopped walking and turned around to us. The sign above his head said, Camp Eden. “Welcome to Camp Eden, kids! Now, the girl cabins are on the left, Anna will help you sort everything out. And I’ll take the boys to the right where all the boy cabins are at.”

“You must be Y/N,” a redhead girl said to me as I walked up to the cabins.

“Yeah, are you Anna?”

She nodded her head. “Sure am. Since you and your brothers arrived late, you’ll be bunking with me a few other girls. I hope that’s alright.”

I nodded my head back. True John Winchester fashion to drop his kids off at a summer camp late.

“Did my dad tell you much about the camp?” Anna asked.

“Chuck’s your dad?” I asked her back.

Anna laughed. “I guess he didn’t say that much. He’s not in a good mood since my brother Gabriel convinced my other brother Castiel to go for a midnight swim a few days ago.” Anna led me to a cabin with a forest green door and pushed it opened. “This is our cabin, Y/N. The other girls who also bunk in here are Jo, Meg, and Jess. We’re the only teens this year so dad stuck us all in a cabin.”

“Sounds fun,” I said.

Anna led me to a bunk in the back and I dropped my bag onto of it. “We also have uniforms.” I groaned out loud causing her to laugh. “They aren’t that bad. Just the camp logo on a plain white shirt and a pair of khaki shorts.”

She went over to the first bunk and grabbed some clothes off of it. “Here, I’ll let you change. Whenever you’re done, just meet me by the mess hall. That’s the building Dad would have led you all too.”

The mess hall was more a mess than an actual hall. I found Dean and Sam standing in the front with Chuck and two other boys. They looked around mine and Dean’s age. One was just as tall as Dean with black hair and the other one was about as tall as Chuck, with light brown hair that curled at the ends. I know noticed everyone had been wearing the camp uniform, even Chuck.

“I have to get back to my duties,” Anna said, “I’m over the girls’ crafts and I need to go make sure someone isn’t gluing macaroni to someone else’s hair.”

“How old are these kids you’re watching?” I asked her.

“Teens,” Anna answered, before rolling her eyes. “Dad! Here’s Y/N, I’m going to back check on the crafts!” She called. Anna pushed me forward before making her exit.

I made my way up to them and tried not to bust at gut at the sight of Dean in khaki shorts. The hall had mostly white folding tables and chairs all around the room, except for a long wooden table at the front, where everyone had been standing near. “The registration forms your dad filled out for each of you doesn’t have that much information,” Chuck said to me. “But that’s no problem. Busy parents always seem to forget a line or two on the form.”

“Sorry about that,” Sam said.

“Yeah,” I offered. “Dad’s normally not like that.”

“That’s fine,” Chuck said, taking a clipboard from the shorter boy next to him. “I just need your ages and home address.”

We all froze in fear. Ever since mom died when Dean and I were four, we haven’t had a proper home. The only address I know by heart is a pizza parlour in downtown New York because I would walk there to get food for Sammy. “Y/N and I are twins, we’re both seventeen,” Dean said. “Sam’s thirteen.”

“And um…” I trailed off.

“Our home address is 2194 Singer Salvage Road, Sioux Falls, South Dakota,” Sam lied.

I felt the two other boys’ eyes on us, but Chuck kept writing down on his little clipboard. “Alright, that’s all I needed. Since you all are new and lunch will be starting up in less than thirty minutes, you three can stay in here with Cas and Gabe. I’m going to head back to my office and get this all filed in.”

Chuck turned on his heel and headed over to a side door. He opened it up and went through, before sticking his head back inside the room. “Cas, Gabe, get lunch together. And don’t mess it up.”

One boy nodded his head and the other sighed. When Chuck finally left, the shorter boy flopped down in a fold up chair and propped his feet up on the table. “You heard Dad, Cassie,” he said. “Get lunch together.”

“Gabriel, it’s all your fault. You need to help,” Cas said.

These were Anna’s brothers that had gotten in trouble a few days ago. Gabe shook his head. “Listen, I’m the oldest, I’m going to stay here and talk to the newbies.”

Cas, the taller one, narrowed his blue eyes at his brother. “You’re just making it worse.”

Gabriel threw his head back and sighed loudly before jumping up. “Fine, I’ll help. You all can just wait in here for when lunch starts up,” he said to us. There was a large archway that led to a kitchen that Gabe and Cas walked into.

I grabbed Dean and Sam by the arm and pulled them over to a table in the back. “Why did you say Bobby’s address?” I asked Sam.

He shrugged. “It was the first thing that came to my mind. Was it bad?”

“No, Sam,” Dean said, “that means whenever we bust out, going to Bobby’s won’t look skeptical. And we need to get out soon because I don’t look good in khaki shorts.”

I snorted. “None of these guys do. It’s awful.”

“Dean and I saw a lake when Chuck was taking us to our cabins,” Sam whispered. “I could see the other side of it, and I don’t think there is a fence.”

“Even if there was, we could jump it,” Dean said.

“I think trying to get out our first night would be risky,” I commented. “I’m sharing a cabin with his daughter.”

“I’m sharing on with those two morons,” Dean said, jutting his thumb over his shoulder.

“What about Sam?” I asked.

“He didn’t know how old I was,” Sam said, “so I’ll probably be put with a bunch of tweens.”

“Ew,” I wrinkled my nose.

“I’ll smooth talk those two tonight and see what info I can get on around the area,” Dean said.

“I’ll do the same to Anna,” I said.

We heard a scraping noise and looked at the front of the room. It was Gabriel pushing a box with his foot to the long table. I watched him pick it up, open it, and unload small bags of chips and drinks. “Cas, hurry up! Lunch starts in fifteen minutes!” Gabe called.

Gabe looked over at us and he caught my attention. I could feel the heat rise up in my body. “I’m going to go talk to him,” I said, pushing myself off the chair.

“What?” Sam asked.

“Why?” Dean asked.

“I’m bored,” I told them. “Plus, I’ve heard you two bicker the entire car ride here. I need someone new to talk to, at least before we skip out,” I lowered my voice at the end. I weaved myself between the chairs and tables before coming face to face with Gabriel.

“Hi,” I said.

“Hey,” Gabe said, tossing the box to the corner. “Do you need anything?”

“Me? Oh no, I’m just bored of my brothers. Thought I could make a friend.”

Gabe gave me a fake smile, “Well that’s one thing this place is good for,” before rolling his eyes. “Sorry… I’m just over being here.”

“You hate being here that much?” I asked.

“My dad’s been doing this camp crap for years, and me, Anna, and Cas have been dragged here every. Single. Year. I’m nineteen, I don’t want to be forced here any longer.” There was a thud from the kitchen. Gabe looked over his shoulder before turning back to me. “But honestly, talking to you has made today better.”

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dimpsandhoes · 8 years

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Tag game.

Tagged by @hvlliwells, @electricinndigo & @cathasmuse

Tagging: @tehkatieofrps @tobeephemeral @requicms @midnight-howlings @narrctives @deliicatepoiise @setthgecko @richigecko @hardestcfhearts

1: Are you named after someone? Yea, my Mom’s younger sister and my Aunt Maria. She’s the sweetest and most nice person I’ve ever met in my life, so I’m proud to have her name. The name Maria/Mary is historic in my family and if you have that as your first name, then you tend to have Catherine/Kathleen as your middle name. It’s nice to be part of the tradition :))

2: When was the last time you cried? last year, probs november/decemebr time... it wasn’t the best of times for me, so i’m glad that’s over.

3: Do you like your handwriting? FUCK NO. It’s oooooogleh and so lazy cus i’m lazy.

4: What is your favorite lunch meat? Jesus this is weird uh.... chicken? I don’t eat lunch much and don’t eat much meat outside of dinner.

5: Do you have kids? Nope.

6: If you were another person, would you be friends with you? I think so, yea. I mean, would be hard cus I’m so anti social like I love my own space, but I’d hang out with me.

7: Do you use sarcasm? A little bit.

8: Do you still have your tonsils? No, and from reading all your guys responses I feel like I’m the odd one out in this LOLOL

9: Would you bungee jump? No thank you. I want to live.

10: What is your favorite kind of cereal? Frosted Shreddies, Frosties, Crunchy Nut and I love the cluster ones with chocolate and shit yuuum - basically all the unhealthy ones. I do like Weetabix too.

11: Do you untie your shoes when you take them off? aint nobody got time for dat.

12: Do you think you’re a strong person? yes and I feel myself getting stronger.

13: What is your favorite ice cream? fusco’s (a ice cream parlour here) honey comb, strawberry, bubble gum and raspberry ripple.

14: What is the first thing you notice about people? their smiles and their vibe/aura. I pick up on that shit so quick and adapt myself to suit the vibe I get from the person. I do it unconsciously too.

16: What is the least favorite physical thing you like about yourself? my body I guess but eh I’m working on it and one day i’ll adore it.

17: What color pants and shoes are you wearing now? if by pants you mean trousers, then navy and not wearing any shoes.

20: If you were a crayon, what color would you be? red always been drawn to it.

21: Favorite smell? damn... sunday roast cooking or petrol or cut grass or that unexpected waft of aftershave when you’re walking by someone ooooor the sea.

22: Who was the last person you spoke to on the phone? my brother asking him to grab yoghurts lol what an exciting life i lead.

23: Favorite sport to watch? damn this is tough cus i love most of them but probs football aka soccer.

24: Hair color? very dark brown.

25: Eye color? very dark brown lol.

26: Do you wear contacts? not often only when i’m going out and wanna look extra hella.

27: Favorite food to eat? italian all day everyday - pizza, lasagne, tomato pastas, bread...yum but i do also love potatoes. i’m irish, it’s in my genes.

28: Scary movies or comedy? comedy. ever since conjuring 2 i’ve been scarred!!!

29: Last movie you watched? the lion king 3 haha.

30: What color shirt are you wearing? reeeed.

31: Summer or winter? i like both though soooo can’t choose. winter is cosy and has christmas but summer is the only time people in ireland can have any semblance of a social life and make plans when we get our one week of sun.

32: Hugs or kisses? neither buuuut if i had to choose then kisses.

33: What book are you currently reading? i am intending on reading girl on the train.

34: Who do you miss right now? everyone! i miss you all LOL.

35: What is on your mouse pad? Don’t gots one.

36: What is the last tv program you watched? Tipping Point cus it’s on in the background but last I actively watched is “13th” doc on netflix and jesus is it amazing, so eye opening and honestly cannot believe the corruption in america and how they have literally legalised slavery through the prison system. it’s a joke.

37: What is the best sound? silence hahaha that or sounds of nature i really like that and i fucking love the sound of the ocean on the rocks uuuugh soothes my soul.

38: Rolling Stones or The Beatles? The Beatles.

39: What is the furthest you have ever traveled? Budapest or Prague, whichever is furthest.

40: Do you have a special talent? I can do weird shit with my tongue. Not in like a sexual way, but like I can do this weird wave almost like a body wave but a tongue wave annnnd I can do this other thing but it’s hard to describe. AND i can make the best pig noise.

41: Where were you born? Béal Feirste aka Belfast in the North of Ireland.

#ooc #meme #rp fam #i changed from lower case to upper so much through out this that i do not care to go back and fix it

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countdownto65 · 8 years

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When Forever Existed

I’m reminiscent of a time that love was real and forever existed. When I was a teenager before life really took away hope of happily ever after. Granted it was my mental illness and trauma that made me choose the men I did and therefore solidified my fate. But even before that when teenage lust and infatuation seemed so real. It was full of hope. I was “engaged” at 15. I wore a gold plated mens ring that was 5 sized too big for me as a symbol that we would be together forever. And forever still had so much hope. Love took it’s first hit at 14 when I started babysitting for a rich couple. Looking back the man was a pedophile or at best a sexual deviant. He didn’t necessarily like young children but more like young teens. They made me feel special, important, beautiful. It transitioned over to getting me drunk, buying me lingerie and photographing me. Eventually escalated into bringing me into the bedroom. I was rarely an active participant but laid there and had things done to me. Once I preformed oral sex on the wife while she was quite pregnant. I felt like it was consensual but still made me feel bad inside. During this time I had a steady boyfriend but I never disclosed what was happening to me and our relationship couldn’t stand my emotional instability. From then on my relationships were turbulent and sexual. But it still felt like a future was possible. Like a happy marriage, family and a partnership was possible. At 17 I moved out. I met a boy that night and we fell in love. Of course it helped that he had his own apartment with his brother. At the time I already had a decent marijuana habit in place. I worked at a pizza parlour and sometimes went to school. I made sure I showed up once a week just long enough to go to prom before I dropped out. By my senior year I had moved back home but we continued our relationship. By now he had given me a real diamond ring and we were going to get married after graduation. But sometime during this year he started selling cocaine. He didn’t attend my graduation. The summer after graduation I had moved back in and developed a decent habit myself. That contributed to the turbulence. He cheated on me often but even after I found out I stayed for a long time. Eventually life became unmanageable. I left him. I moved back home and started college. He got busted for selling coke and got some time in prison. He called me, apologized and said I was all he ever wanted. I took him back and visited faithfully, but I dated other men while he was in. I worked at a daycare but since I spent most of my money on pot, I stripped at a local club when rent was due. He got out. It was good for a bit (still smoking pot daily) but we had a place and I got pregnant. His drug use started back up. I continued to smoke pot while pregnant. I was stressed. I lost the baby at 15 weeks. He didn’t stay at the hospital. He let me go into the D and E surgery to remove the baby and stay the night at the hospital alone. Shortly after I packed my stuff and left him while he was at work. A few months later I contacted one of the men I had dated while he was in prison. This man was finishing up his own prison sentence. When he got out I got pregnant immediately. Almost on purpose because I was grieving the loss of my other baby. This man was good hearted but his moral compass was off and he was a sex addict. We stayed together for a few years. Things were ok. I wasn’t in love with him but I still believed in family and forever. We bought a house. One day his parole agent came over and searched the house. He found stolen property in the garage. My daughters father went to prison. He had been stealing the whole time. I stayed with him but my job at the pizza parlour couldn’t afford a mortgage so I lost the house. I continued to date casually while he was in prison. I took the baby to visit him every week. By the time he got out I had so much animosity toward him for leaving me with the baby for so long we were doomed. No matter what he did right I was still mad. I eventually told him to leave. I spent a year being promiscuous. At some point a man that I had dated casually when my daughter’s father was in prison contacted me. We began to date. He was so nice at first, probably because he needed a place to stay. I ignored the warning signs, his heroin addicted son’s mother, a pending domestic assault from another woman. I was pregnant within 3 months. I was about 3 months pregnant when he started drinking, doing crack and staying out all night. I would wait up all night fuming. He would say he was driving home at 9 oclock and then turn his phone off and stumble in at 5 am. He would come home and verbally abuse me. On two occasions I punched him in the mouth for his terrible words. Dispite this we were trying to get his son out of foster care and I put on the happy family face for the court. The baby was born. He left an hour after the birth and stayed the day at the bar. We got custody of his son 3 days after the baby came home. Now I had 3 kids to parent and he continued to drink and stay out all night. I started to fantasize about suicide and self harm. I would threaten to leave, he would shape up for a few weeks and repeat for years. Once I got the balls to leave. I got an apartment in subsidized housing without him and finally finished my associate’s degree. We were still together but only because everytime I tried to leave him he refused to go and would be a prince for a minute. During this time I fell in love with someone else. He was aware of my turbulent relationship but was willing to be the other man. Eventually I got a decent job and bought a house. After much back and forth I let my youngest daughters father move in. I left the other man. I wanted to try it again wholeheartedly to have a happy family. He quit drinking for a year but he was a dry drunk. He was mean. He was mean to my oldest child. I hid in my room and smoked pot constantly to numb my unhappiness. I tried to kick him out. He refused to leave saying that he wanted to be a family and if I wanted him to leave I would have to legally evict him. Which was true, he was a resident in my home. So I put up with the abuse at the cost of my mental health and my parenting. When his father was diagnosed with cancer he started using. He got caught buying crack with the little kids in the car. I finally got the courage to start the eviction. It was 3 months of hell. I was on the verge of suicide and often engaging in self harm. He knew it. He tried to get me to commit suicide. He left out knives telling me to just do it. He told me to carve whore on my skin. He stole my soul and self confidence. Finally he left. He took everything in my house but I was ok with an empty house just to have him gone. He did let me continue to parent his son. We split time with the kids 50/50. When he left I was afraid of loosing my house so I let a highschool friend move in the basement. It didn’t take long for that to become a fling. But unbeknownst to me he was on heroin. He robbed me blind. Took my debit card and my grandmother’s jewelry. He left when I found out and called the cops. Not much later was the start of my current relationship. We were childhood friends, he started out as emotional support but we ended up starting a relationship. He has a terrible mental health and depression problem that hinders his motivation and ability to hold a job and even take care of himself, let alone a relationship and my family. After several tries at living together and trying to have a partnership I have given up on that possibility. I also got sober and he continues to smoke pot. He got his own place and we have no intentions of changing that. Our relationship has some good points and I stay in it because some needs are being met. At least for the time being. We are best friends. He is a great emotional support. He is a big part of my girls life. He shows them that men can be respectful and show up when they say they will. We have fun together. He has been there through the stress of my youngest daughters father drinking and flipping the car with her in it and the aftermath of custody battles and her father consequently no longer letting me take part in his son’s life. But it has also solidified my feelings of the termination of the ideal of a real romantic partnership. I have made life work basically on my own. I have 2 part time jobs that I can parent my kids and manage to pay my bills with the help of government food stamps and health-care. I have a plan to get my masters degree in social work that I am slowly working towards. I mow my own yard, shovel my own snow and fix what I can around the house. I rely on my dad and friends that are willing to do cheap work for the rest. I envy the women who married into money right after high school and live happily ever after. I envy the women who ended up marrying my highschool sweethearts and have loving families and relationships. Like somehow that was supposed to have been me. I am trying to be ok with the fact that in all probability I will end up alone. I plan on selling this house after the kids graduate and buying a small house with a small yard, no stairs and minimum up keep so I can live alone as an old lady and keep my independence. Even if I meet a man that could meet my emotional and cohabitating needs, my own fears and reservations keep them at arms length. I am not willing to risk another rollercoaster ride. Another disaster. Another heartbreak. But I often dream of the passionate, hopeful love of my youth. I wake up with an emptiness in my chest. But I do what I have to do and shake it off and go on to live the life I have built for myself and my children. All in all I am doing better. I used to have a suicide plan to be executed when I was 65. Now I just plan on being lonely, smoking weed again and owning a cat. But I still long for the days when hope for the future was so real and open ended.

Feb 1 2017

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