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sonderisms-blog · 6 years

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❛ Waiting is painful. Forgetting is painful. But not knowing which to do is the worst kind of suffering. ❜

Spotted at Grand Central, bags in hand, {KAREN GILLAN}. No, that’s a mistake. It’s {AMELIA POND}, they are a {CANON CHARACTER} and come from {DOCTOR WHO}. They are {TWENTY-NINE} and I’ve heard they are {CREATIVE}, as well {OBSTINATE}. They happen to hold {THEIR} memories. Don’t believe me? See for yourself. Lucky for us, {jinx, 23, pst, she/her & they/them} sent us proof.

Welcome to New York, what is your character’s name?

Amelia Jessica Pond-Williams. Though, she took on the last name Williams when she was transported back to 1920s New York because she couldn’t really legally hyphenate + it was a testament to how much she loves Rory & how she was willing to leave behind her old life with the Doctor behind. But she prefers to just be called Amy!

Where have they been pulled from in their fandom?

Right when Amy & Rory make their exit in Doctor Who, in the Angels Take Manhattan. I imagine that she wakes up in her new life in this RP from that point.

With the curse, how has your character’s life changed?

Well, I don’t want to godmod the potential Rory player but if Rory isn’t in her life then that’s a major change ( though, I’d love if they were best friends who grew up together or something in the new life ). Like in canon, Amy had the belief the Doctor was real but instead of him coming back, he was just a story. She still grew up the same way in canon, the weird girl who turned ginger bombshell who was a kissogram but in this verse ( to mirror canon ) she gets picked up by a modeling agency and moves to New York. As far as Amy knows she’s lived in New York for 10 years, now a successful science fiction author and currently working on a children’s book both illustrating & writing it. Her life has changed because she turned her childhood shit into stories that have sold pretty well. She didn’t get married to Rory at a young age, she’s had quite a few years to develop who she is and live her life outside of Leadworth.

With Amy’s memories coming back, to put it simply, it hurts. All over again. Remembering it all, losing it all, it hurts. Though not a drinker AT ALL, Amy has found herself doing anything she can to forget remembering, working on a much darker novel than her previous ones. It’s been disorienting because even though her life is beautiful & brilliant as it is -- it’s not real. The feeling of things not being real, the blurring of lines between reality & falsity has really done a number on her as she does deal with mental illness, worrying that she’s finally, properly, losing her mind. Frankly, she doesn’t know if it’s real, she doesn’t know what’s real, though she tries to be Amy Pond, this blurring of reality is something that scares her. Another feeling she feels is anger, anger about what happened to her in canon, anger about having to doubt her own mind all over again and a determination to fix this and/or find the person responsible.

Do they have a job, and if so what is it?

To dive in more about her job, Amy isn’t the most famous person around but she definitely has mild celebrity due to her early modeling ( a model turned scifi author intrigues a lot of weird fanboys that’s for sure ), her books are what has really launched any celebrity she has into something more recognizable. Sometimes asked to help host D list red carpet shows, etc. Amy is not Known Known but you find her face recognizable. She’s done a lot of activism as well for mental illness and the LGBTQIA+ & Queer communities as she’s openly bisexual so there’s definitely a funky little cult following she has and she’s fairly popular in Scotland as well as a hometown hero in her town of Leadworth ( something she finds HILARIOUS as they hated her for years ).

Is there any other information about your character that members might find helpful?

THIS SECTION WILL BE FOR MY RAMBLING. Because where else am I GONNA DO IT??? I’ve been playing Amy for 5+ years now and I’m going to give y’all some insight on how i play her as well as how i see her. I’m watching an episode right now that’s helped come up with some of this as well. I’ll probably add more HCs as I slowly rewatch her scenes, etc.

A Sagittarius!!!!!!!!!! which literally fits her so well if you love astrology and Amy Pond, you already know!

One of my favorite aspects of Amy’s character is her empathy & intuitiveness. While sometimes lacking social grace and not always the best with interpersonal relations, she can see people for who they are deep down, their intentions, the emotions she feels like she feels from others often overwhelming but something that does lead her. A gut instinct magnified. She’s intuitive and empathetic because she’s got such an active imagination paired with a creative mind, she’s able to put those two things together, not only painting a picture of who someone is, painting colors on them they might not see themselves. Maybe this is a bit naive at times, maybe even a bit dangerous if it steers her wrong ( which is why Rory Williams is so important to her, her impulsiveness paired with this can get her into tough situations and he always has her back, always by her side ). Amelia is not always one to think before jumping into situations if she feels it’s the right thing to do, a prime example of this is her running off with The Doctor EASILY. Both as a kid and an adult. Luckily, not many have taken advantage of this as she can be extremely closed off emotionally. She’s a good judge of character and if she puts her faith in you, know while it could be surprising, it was a very much calculated, thought out, and a felt through choice. Amy’s extremely stubborn so good luck getting her to do something she doesn’t want to do ESPECIALLY if she doesn’t feel it’s right. Amy is usually able to connect to anyone and everyone some sort of way when she tries due to all of this, usually better with connecting to people than the ( Eleventh ) Doctor himself is.

[ EMOTIONAL NEGLECT MENTION, ALCOHOLISM MENTION ] Verbal, straightforward, blunt, but it when it comes to her emotions, the ones that hurt, the ones that can’t be wrapped in something beautiful or lightly joked about are the ones tucked away. Amy’s got serious commitment issues as well, as shown throughout Doctor Who, that stemmed from the Doctor leaving her multiple times as well as never knowing her parents. I play her Aunt as a high functioning alcoholic, growing up she was never really home much less attentive to Amy ( also due to the whole crack in Amy’s wall thing, but, that’s a whole other topic ). For insight on how this effects her, I once played her in a multifandom at hogwarts rp where she was in a relationship with a character and they were really fucking cute ( I still rp them to this day w/ my friend ). But she was SO cared of this relationship not working out / losing Rory because he had just confessed that he romantically liked her, that she broke up with the other person ( who she had deep feelings for who never EVER would’ve left her ) because Rory meant too much to her, he’d been there through everything, the thought of losing him? Unthinkable. this isn’t to say she didn’t love them both ( polyamorous Amelia Pond ftw! ), or value Rory as much ( I felt pressured to go into canon as well so I had to find a believable fault/fear/issue to really sell this but I think there’s something to be said for this ), I don’t play it that way in THIS rp, of course. [ END OF EMOTIONAL NEGLECT MENTION, ALCOHOLISM MENTION ]

It goes to show that she will make fear based decisions as well as decisions based on her insecurities that she’s not enough, that she’s more pain than she’s worth, out of not being able to give someone she cares about what they need. For example, when in canon Amy breaks up with Rory because she feels so guilty she can’t have biological kids when she knows he ALWAYS wanted kids. She was scared if she stayed with him, he’d hate her, that she was keeping him from having a fulfilling life, that she wasn’t enough and didn’t fit into what he wanted. Rory deserves everything to her, she couldn’t give it to him, when he gave and gave and gave to her. She didn’t feel worthy, but she didn’t express that fear either, making Rory feel completely shut out because she was shutting him out. She’ll self sabotage easily, because commitment is scary to her and she’d rather be the one leaving than being left. Amy can’t stand to wait for the worst to happen, for the other shoe to drop, she isn’t the fucking girl who waited -- not anymore.

Amy is diagnosed with major depressive disorder previously diagnosed with psychotic features added on as well until the Doctor came back but after having 4 psychiatrists in her youth, Amy definitely fits into having MDD. There are many evidences in canon besides her literally going to psychiatrists that suggest that Amy is mentally ill / ND, another hint in the episode ‘Vincent and The Doctor’. Amy empathizes with Vincent Van Gogh ( my Amy is an extreme art history lover as well, especially Vincent Van Gogh ), she says she’s been where he is, that she gets it. [ SUICIDE MENTION ] She is physically effected when he talks about dark shit and in another episode with the Dreamlord, she talks about how she doesn’t want to live in a world if Rory’s not in it, then killing herself in the show. The way she does it in my head ( and in the show ) is extremely steely, easily done, because Amy has dealt with mental illness, because she’s been in dark places & suicidal ideation. [ END OF SUICIDE MENTION ] In this RP, she’ll also have been diagnosed and is taking medication because we stan healthy characters who cope with their mental illness! Even though she’s definitely having a hard time currently.

Rory Williams really is everything to her. Her best friend, a love of her life, her partner, the only person who stuck by her side through everything. She never waivers in this love for him, even though she does have doubts due to her own commitment issues ( and regular issues ) but she doesn’t have doubts about who Rory is. She loves him. The Doctor is also someone she loves passionately, though she could’ve loved him romantically and often could see that sort of a future with him -- he’s completely unavailable and unreliable. If there’s one thing that Amy can’t do in a partner romantically it’s unreliable. Plus, after finding out her daughter was married to him in canon? She’ll pass. The Doctor is more like a twin flame sort of thing for her, a very kindred spirit. She loves him because in her little town of Leadworth, full of boring, sensible things, where she was the weird girl in town -- he was just as weird as her.

If I had to pick a Hogwarts house for Amy, it’d be Gryffindor.

#intro: amelia pond.#amelia pond: she's mad but she's magic.#intros make me nervous bc i never learned the art of brevity & my name is jared im 19 i never learned how to read #so we got a MESS ur honor!#but i just tell myself no one is paying me to rp STOP CARING SO MUCH fewoijfw #i aint getting no AWARDS #NO GRADES #this took so long bc its a high pain day and im slow! LRIJFFWE

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lifeinthegladhouse · 3 years

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I've been thinking about the have's and the have not's. I've been thinking about the reality of a life of being worn down. Every day I am confronted with the extreme poverty, middle class ignorance, and occasional hidden opulence of southern california. They warned me. But Seattle was not that much different. This is just, denser. Denser with more fake tans and beach bodies. More working class, more destitute. More palm trees, healthy, and dying. Dusty. it's dirty. you pay for a lot of dirt and 'opportunity'. you pay to be near people who are like you, throw the dice, and hope you roll a good chance to be alone, because this is your last stop for now. it's the stop you dreamed of for a decade. and a decade passed and killed a lot of things. you're waiting for the growth to begin, weeds pushing through concrete cracks. the sun helps. but even the california winter, mild and not so bad, it's still winter. there are reminders everywhere.

the transition has been difficult. lost all of my friends practically the minute we moved here due to a misunderstanding and then a loss of interest. who could be interested in two transplants who arent willing to party every night through covid? two people who live in a beach town instead of bustling dirty hollywood? landlord selling the building. paying over 2k in rent now (split). a good gay work place. still alone. isolated. no time to explore el-lay or the beaches. just sitting inside, scheming how to survive. losing my sense of glamor. covid has been chipping away at my mind and body for years now. it has become all i know. after mom and g*ne, i have a permanent black sick paint permeating over my psychic vision and poisoning everything i touch or think about. death has a way of changing you forever. i live in a permanent state of grief, for old friends, failed friends, dead relatives, dead dreams, a dead childhood i never had, the old days of being a musician on stage, relating to people. with each passing month i feel further estranged. i frequently navigate suicidal ideation, which ive lived through for the past 14 years solid (since I was 13, at least), and look for the little things. the nice coffee i made myself at work, alone, watching the catty old gay men banter at the bar and roll their eyes at me because i look like a silly little woman to them. even in the gay world, i am disregarded. you're either not cis enough, not man enough, not vagina enough, or you aren't trendy enough and young enough for the polyam trans cult. rocker, but not punk enough to brave covid. being vaccinated 'is uncool', and so is 'staying home' and 'working'. so is 'staying sober'. outside of punk, outside of queerness, outside of california.

x is my favorite band, one of my favorites, of all time. i think of their song hungry wolf. 'she loves her mate, and he loves her, and they live together for life' and the jaws of death and all that bukowski (i hate him) shit over the venice beach meets ramones guitar. hungry wolf. the have nots. x wasnt wrong about la county living. they got me through texas and the north but this is different. it hurts in a different way. in la you are nothing in a different way. in seattle, i was nothing too, but i had time to cope. in texas, i was born nothing, survived as nothing, and escaped for something else.

it's no surprise that i think often of the hanged god. the traveler, and shapeshifter and cult revered war deity, but also, someone of liminal spaces, magick, the outcast, the outlaw, the brave, the ones who were born doomed and on the "FTW" path, from biker to hippie to prison nazi to homeless to sweet suburban teenager, to film maker, to dead souls, someone revered from the edges of everything. is there anything more punk than that? i think about this while i clean dishes in hot water and listen to the old gay german guy and his ugly friends by the open bay windows in the sunlight. they talk about inaccurate history and condescend women. i listen to the students talk about home loans, space-x, their new tesla, their student debt. i think about how inherited cp from my dead brother and that is another tax for surviving a premature birth, but at least im surviving. if i were fully disabled id likely be dead from poverty. people forget that. i spent money to make my hair nice. but they dont see my body changing. they dont see and hear the parallels im making every second. the fall of america, of civilization, all the people crying over slow amazon deliveries and oh no target is out of fake meat again. it's hard to get up from the willful ignorance. the immediate pain. i think of all the people who were too smart for their own good and killed themselves because they saw life's hard edges in modern society a little too clearly. i think of all the edgelords who idealize these people and make narcissistic selfish choices to sustain their grifting behavior. i think of all the people who delusionally go along with the plot of mommy and daddy state will take care of you. if you prove your worth. if you pay enough $. they breadcrumb us. like a master sociopath, the state breadcrumbs us. it rewards sociopathic behavior. it rewards the suicidal modern cutting edge chrome and glass while emaciated families starving by the thousands and millions from embargos get bombed to death.

it's hard to get up.

#personalposting

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cruximpetus · 7 years

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On Chara, Asgore, and Goat Family Dynamics: This is going to be a long post, so head under the read more for the headcanon.

First off, we have to start way before Chara even arrived - to the war between monsters and humans. We know from the signs in Waterfall that the humans started the war because monsters could absorb human souls (which begs the question how did they find out? If a monster can only absorb a human soul after the human has died (because human souls persist after death), then they would have needed to be around when that happened - whether as a cause of death or because they were simply friends enough with the human for it to happen. I’d prefer it was the latter, but I think it was more likely to be the former - not necessarily an intentional cause of death, but certainly that the human and the monster weren’t on friendly terms, thus leading the human populace to have more reason to panic than to see it as a way to live longer after death -- but that’s another thing entirely. To be honest, I think if it’d been friendly circumstances, the monster-human fusion likely wouldn’t have said anything if they didn’t have to do so-- but, then, this assumes that not all such fusions cause a physical appearance change as the Chara-Asriel fusion did, which I think is based more on the souls of the two involved and their age. Asgore, for instance, absorbing one human soul would likely not have that vast amount of change. But that is beside the point and I’m getting carried away), despite the fact that humans were, as a result of their souls naturally stronger than monsters. We do not know how long the war went on, and we don’t know who was in charge during the war. Signs point to Asgore (due to his crappy naming scheme) or an ancestor of his (because crappy naming can be passed down in genetics, I have no doubt). Either way, Asgore or a direct ancestor led the monsters during the war. For ease of discussion (and because canon more clearly points to it), let’s say Asgore led the monsters during the war between monsters and humans. Now, why does this matter? What does this have to do with later dynamics? Humans started the war. Asgore led the monsters during the fight - which means they fought back. Humans are naturally stronger - which means they could easily have killed the monsters, his people. Asgore continued to pursue peace (even within the context of war), because that is more his personality, but humans refused peaceful terms - which meant more fighting and more monsters dying because humans were afraid, humans were fighting, and humans weren’t allowing for any sort of reconciliation. We have seen how Asgore reacted to his son’s death and the pressure of his people; it is likely that under this pressure he cowed and ordered the monsters to fight. And every time a human died, their soul was absorbed, which made the humans more afraid because look at how much damage that monster can do - but we also know from the canon lore that when monsters don’t want to fight, their whole physicality reacts to it. A human soul can fight the monster who absorbed it (as noted with Chara but even more noticeable in how the six human souls dealt with Flowey), can make them weaker, so even such a powerful fusion, in that circumstance, would likely have fallen to the humans. And when they won (after the loss on the monster’s side was too great to continue), humans sealed the monsters into the Underground, where they would have no hope of getting out ever again. No leader - even a monster leader as completely capable of love and compassion (since that is, after all, what monster souls are made of) as Asgore is - would, after that, be able to look on a human and feel anything but conflicting emotions for them. Perhaps before the war, it would have been nothing but love, but after? After humans decimated his people? After they were forced to fight? After the humans locked them away? Maybe that part of him was still there, but there had to have also been some sense of despair, some sense of anger, frustration - hatred is a strong word when we’re talking about Asgore, but in this context, it makes sense. Certainly his first reaction would have been a negative one instead of a positive one. This leads us to Chara. We know from canon that they are the first fallen human - the first human to fall into the Underground after that great war. Asgore’s initial feelings towards them could not have been good. We know that Asriel found them first, and I tentatively headcanon that Asriel was born in the Underground, sometime after the war - which would mean that he hadn’t seen a human before. He had probably grown up with the stories, but he didn’t have that same lingering...hesitancy, anger, negative feelings that Asgore would have (likely because he is Toriel’s son as well, and her first instinct with human children is to mother them the way she would any abandoned child. Her reaction to a human adult falling is debatable, but to her, a child is a child is a child, and she will mom the heck out of them and protect them). It is even possible that Asriel didn’t know that Chara was a human until Asgore said something about it, may have just thought they were another sort of monster they hadn’t met before (less likely, but possible). Either way, Asriel struck up a friendship with Chara before Asgore met them. Given all of the above, Asgore’s reaction was not necessarily a good one - likely wasn’t - but even if he tried to fight that off to be a good adoptive parent he does not want to adopt a human child Toriel and he does not like that their child is associating with a human but Asgore is a pushover and fine, fine, let the human live with us, they don’t seem so bad for a human, I suppose we will get along just fine and I will do my best - Chara grew up in an abusive household (my headcanon, not necessarily canon) and would know that something was off. They don’t necessarily know what love looks like from a parental figure, not until they learn it from Toriel, but they know what disgust and anger and a lot of negative emotions looks like. And maybe he doesn’t hate them entirely, but those negative feelings towards humans in general are there, and Chara can feel that and feels that directed towards them. So, from Chara, at least, there’s that instinctive wariness of Asgore - not because he dislikes them specifically, necessarily, but because he is wary of them, as a human, and even if that slowly fades away, there’s still a part of Chara that is scared of Asgore and identifies him as a threat. From an abusive household standpoint. And that’s the problem with Chara/Asgore - they don’t dislike each other specifically but they see in each other a lot of negative associations they have with other people in their past. And no matter how hard Chara might try to get Asgore to like them, they do it because they’re afraid that he hates them (even if he doesn’t hate them), and no matter how much Asgore might like Chara, it’s still a hurdle because humans are bad. (Toriel would say not all humans, but Asgore doesn’t necessarily believe that is the case. He saw the war. He led during the war. He watched what humans did. Toriel might forgive readily unless it’s personal, but from what we’ve seen Asgore does not - not when it comes to leading his people. His people come first, regardless of what he personally might feel. A human is a threat. Regardless.) I think this is why Asgore constantly mentions that Chara is the future of monsters and humans. From what he has seen, Chara does not seem to be as monstrous horrible as other humans did. He sees the way they interact with Asriel (besties ftw!) and they see the way Toriel dotes on them and how that makes them shine, and Asgore likes to push hope, so he’s saying - look, here’s hope. Here’s hope that maybe humans and monsters can get along. But for Chara, that’s an additional pressure, that’s something they have to live up to, and since they already suffer from suicidal ideation (and at least one previous attempt) and likely have a history of being abused when they don’t live up to a parent’s expectations, that instinctive fear is still there. They feel they have to live up to that. They feel they have to earn his love (and rightly so, although they don’t know they probably already earned it). Further - it’s likely that Asgore has to use that phrase to get his people who have just come out of a war with the humans and many of them still remember it to accept that their king and queen have just adopted a human child. Bitter is the word I’m looking for. Inevitably, this comes to a head with the accidental buttercup butterscotch pie. This looks like a murder attempt and Chara laughs. It’s a nervous laugh, it’s an I tried to do something nice because I feel like you don’t really love me and I want your approval so much and I fucked it up and now you’re going to hate me more than you already do and for once in my life it felt like I had something good and I just fucked it up, and it’s possible that Toriel understands it was an honest mistake, and Asgore likely understands it’s an honest mistake (even if he has his doubts because, hey, human), but that doesn’t mean that Chara isn’t still beating themselves up over it. (I also think it’s likely that they told the monster populace that Asgore was just sick because that would not have looked good on Chara.) And that’s when Chara comes up with their plan. If they die, they can live up to what Asgore has constantly told them they are meant to do (be the future of humans and monsters). Asriel can absorb their soul (hopefully) and go take out a few humans (they can give him descriptions of their parents, their family, who are horrible, Asriel, their deaths aren’t so bad) so that monsters can go free. Because monsters have treated them better than humans ever did. And, yeah, they die in the process, but that’s okay, isn’t it? They’ll have done something nice for their family and made up for almost accidentally killing Asgore. And they wanted to die anyway, so that works out for them. At least they had something good for a little while first. (And then they don’t die when Asriel absorbs them and then Asriel refuses to kill anyone and then they actually die because Asriel refused to do anything and now Asriel is dead, too and then, fuck this, everyone deserves to die because if my best friend can’t do this, if he chooses the people he knows hurt me over himself, his family, over me, then fuck it all. And then they’re soulless, which really makes everything that much worse. Bitterness, my dear friends, is the word.)

#[ ordinary deviation from external reality | first fallen human ]#long post for ts #undertale spoilers #[ i have a lot of other thoughts but this is the primary one ]#[ because while i do think that on a whole the four of them were a good family ]#[ i DO think there was a bit of internal conflict between chara and asgore ]#[ and i think it would get kind of smoothed over and then get ruffled up again ]#[ and i don't think asgore truly considered chara his child in the same way he considered asriel as his son ]#[ i think he tried but it wasn't the same ]#[ ON THE OTHER HAND ]#[ asgore did start the war against humans because his son was killed ]#[ or was it because BOTH children were killed? ]#[ because surely as a monster he would know what would happen if they fused ]#[ that chara would still have voice and mobility and ability and still exist ]#[ chara wouldn't have known that - at least i headcanon they don't; i headcanon they fully expected to die and then didn't ]#[ and it would have been better if they had tbh ]#[ and that maybe asgore wanted to destroy humans because they killed BOTH ]#[ and he probably regretted that later because he would see kids and they would remind him of chara and he'd feel bad for pushing chara to #what happened but he pushes himself anyway because this is just as much for Chara as it is for Asriel ]#[ but that's really up to someone writing asgore ]#[ -shrugs- ]

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