#sue and miles rewrite the entire dc multiverse

[captainlordauditor]

Harleen Quinzel and Bruce Wayne are college friends who still go to the same synagogue. They slept across the hall from each other for two years at Gotham University of Maryland. They used to get into arguments with Dr Crane in their psychology classes, and everyone else in the class either hated them because they took up so much class time or loved them because if Bruce started fighting Dr Crane about something, half the time he’d forget to assign homework. Bruce used to get high with Harley and Harvey and every time he did he’d dissolve into talking about how cool bats were. He’d get drunk and rant about the justice system and how he should just be a vigilante. Halfway through medical school Harley sees Batman on the news and goes “oh my god that fucker actually did it”

Harley Quinn keeps telling Robin about dumb things Batman did when he was Robin’s age. “Your dad once swapped out my shampoo for neon pink hair dye, an’ after that I never looked back” “Hon, I know he doesn’t want you drinkin’ ‘til you’re 21, but you’re off with the Titans now, an’ I did a keg stand with him at least once a month when we were 18″. She has a video she sends every member of the batfamily of Bruce climbing their dorm room in his underwear in the middle of February on a dare. She gave Jason weed once because she thought Bruce was being a hypocrite about it. 

[rainbowfoxes]

DC thought of the day: 

Slade’s wife Adeline’s maiden name is Kane. 

who else is named Kane? Kate Kane, who is Bruce’s maternal cousin.

conclusion: Slade is one of Bruce’s in-laws.

[captainlordauditor]

Green Lanterns don’t know much about earth-specific rogues, because why would they? Their job is to deal with interplanetary threats, Ollie, do you know who Parallax is? No? You’re welcome. They know Red Hood is Batman’s kid because Kyle worked with him that one time but that’s basically it. Hal thinks Cass’s mother is the literal Hindu god of destruction. John is under the impression that Ra’s Al Ghul is an elaborate prank the Justice League is playing on him. 

They know Batman starts crying every time someone brings up Two Face, so they have a bet going on about who Two Face IS to Bats. They’re trying to figure it out without directly asking Bats, because they don’t want to upset him. It’s been going for years. John put his money on clone because he knows Talia is Batman’s villain ex and who the hell has multiple villain exes. Guy is convinced that Batman is absolutely the kind of man who would date several villains.

Finally, Kyle introduces them to Jason, and they see an opportunity to settle this once and for all. Jason looks at John and completely straight faced says that yes, Two Face is a clone of Batman.

It’s years before someone explains that Guy was the one who was right.

[captainlordauditor]

important facts about earth 427, the shove everything in until it fits au, in no particular order

Jason used to be allergic to strawberries and gluten intolerant. Alfred stopped keeping strawberries in the house, ever, because whenever they had them Jason would eat them anyway and give himself hives. The Lazarus pit got rid of this since it gives you your ideal body and Jason craves that forbidden fruit

Bruce, watching his son, whom he knows is lactose intolerant and allergic to strawberries, eating strawberry yogurt: please tell me you’re at least still on your antiretrovirals

Jason, whose HIV got cured by the Lazarus pit: :D

the lactose intolerance was not changed by the Lazarus pit, he just takes Lactaid

the Riddler looks like Brian David Gilbert

Tim’s YouTube is xxX_redbat5ever_Xxx. It is primarily cliched shippy batfamily music videos

Dick is friends with the owner of the only Romani restaurant in Bludhaven (which canonically exists, somehow) and her couch is prime hero real estate. She’s a little old lady from the opposite side of Europe as Dick’s family. She has tried to set him and his brothers up with her family members at least twice

Bette Kane gets so mad at the Titans she goes to the other side of the country and starts her own team called the Argonauts

Bruce has a second cousin who’s a rogue in Baltimore named Cherry Bomb

Most of the other masks in Baltimore are either Poe themed, corvid themed, or water themed

The most popular Wayne family tiktoks include one of Titus looking more and more resigned as Damian sets puppies next to him and Alfred talking to Alfred the cat as he cooks

Carrie Kelley has an aunt who’s a PI and worked with Batman on a case once before Carrie was born

Raven is the ultimate no bra at home woman

doing each other’s hair is an important bonding activity for Tamaraneans. They also don’t dye it and the culture Kori is from rarely cuts it. As such Kori thinks Roy, who gets the others to help him with his hair and doesn’t cut it/rarely cuts it, is the only sensible human when it comes to haircare until 3 years after knowing him when she walks in on him dyeing it

the first time Jason met Cass he was unconscious and he just woke up later with a phone number on his arm and the word TEXT in all caps and underlined

Clark can’t see blue or purple very well and makes Lois check if his clothes match

Everyone in Gotham is ridiculously superstitious about death and demons. Almost everybody has a piece of silver, hazelwood, or iron by their door, and it’s also common to have it in your windows. Hanging bat figurines are especially popular.

Different families and neighborhoods in Gotham have their own death traditions, but most of them bury their dead with some kind of message to Death and the goddess of Gotham to let them stay dead. The Waynes bury their dead with deathbread, a kind of hardtack made with dried fruit, as either a plea to let them stay dead but acknowledging that if Gotham needs them she can raise them

Jason habitually eats it for breakfast to annoy his family

Bruce has an aunt that died when he was 3 and her ghost haunts the cave and yells at him sometimes, but only people who have died before can hear and see her so he never gets the message

Ivy makes plants that she names after her girlfriends. Harley’s is a multicolored daisy

Cass and Kate are their respective generations’ goth lesbian aunts

Selina has 9 lives because  Gotham Herself decided she should have them

Dick’s family knew the Joker before he became the Joker. Bruce is the only person to know this

Dinah Lance deafened her father as a baby with her Canary Cry

the Amazons use upper armbands as wedding rings

When Gordon becomes commissioner, he starts a special unit of the GCPD called the Masked Crimes Unit. the MCU is a subset of major crimes, specifically trained and assigned on rogue cases. In order to get onto the MCU, you have to be specifically picked by Gordon and vetted by Batman.This is why we see the same four detectives over and over.

Tim thinks US states make good names for children.

[captainlordauditor]

just, hear me out,

[captainlordauditor]

okay but seriously: Do (defected) Talons need to observe mitzvot, and if so, can they be in the presence of cohanim, or are they fully alive and that’s negated?

[captainlordauditor]

For @bottomjasontoddweek​ ! 

12th of August: Daddy kink | Going undercover as a celebrity/model works too well | Earth 3 AU | Small!Jason AU

He’s been coming here every night he can for the past six months. He curls against the cold stone, mounted barely a week ago, and traces the raised letters that read A GOOD SOLDIER.

A good soldier. The highest of praise a Talon could gain, and him not even fully trained when he died.

The wind blows over the grass, unrestrained by trees or buildings. The dew on the grass will turn into frost soon, will ice him over, but he doesn’t care. So what if he doesn’t handle cold well? It will warm up in the morning. Right now all that matters is that he is here. If anything, the cold might be an advantage for now. If he lays here, tucked against the marble like his brother used to tuck himself against him, if he falls asleep here, then he’ll die tonight. The cold will turn him almost as dead as his brother, the closest he can get to embracing him again. He won’t stay dead; he’ll wake when the frost melts and the black stone warms his body back to the living. But it’s the closest he’ll come for a long time yet, and for now it’s enough.

It’s enough to feel cold tears on his cheeks; it’s enough to see the beginnings of frost form from his breath as the cold settles over Gotham. It’s enough to hear his own whispered voice as he tells his lover’s ghost about the world of the living.

Keep Reading

[captainlordauditor]

all batfamily costumes should fall into one of three categories: cryptid, thot, and baybee

[captainlordauditor]

First batch of fake covers is done! I’ve been sitting on these because I keep forgetting to post them, but they’re done now!

[captainlordauditor]

DC: BatBurger is a chain in Gotham and Bludhaven.

Me, an intellectual, who knows no Gothamite would ever willingly “jokerize” their fries: SuperBurger is a chain in Gotham and Bludhaven. BatBurger is in Metropolis and is owned by the same people and serves the exact same food but without the Old Bay.

[captainlordauditor]

Chapters: 1/1 Fandom: Gotham (TV), Batman (Comics) Rating: General Audiences Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply Characters: Jeremiah Valeska, Joker (DCU), Jokester (DCU) Additional Tags: Demonic Possession, Alternate Universe - Dark, Earth-3, Crossroads Deals & Demons, alternate universe - alignment flip, you know the evil guys are the good guys and vice versa Series: Part 1 of Earth 427-3 Summary:

They say if you're willing to pay the price, Chaos lives at the crossroads in Gotham.

for @batfam-halloween-week, though I realised after I finished it that I don’t know if it counts. Prompt: possession. 

I post like every six months guys, enjoy this one

[captainlordauditor]

who wants some............427 multiverse facts........

the only thing separating earth 3 Tim from earth 427 Tim is a difference in role models and whether his family enables him or calls him out

Theo doesn’t exist in most universes

on Earth 1071, the three Flashes mapped out the multiverse and changes made to their universe’s timeline

the Bruce on earth 1071 keeps a list of concerning things he learns about the multiverse

earth 3 Stephanie is Not Allowed on earth 69

earth 988 Dick can, should, must, and will adopt any Jason he sees

1055 Bruce is absolutely appalled by the idea that he wouldn’t kill the man who killed his son

[captainlordauditor]

Batman Hanukkah prompt: the Most Competitive Game of Dreidel Ever, ft. Batkids

The real problem was that nobody in their family knew when to stop.

It had started two days ago, when Tim, needing something to occupy his hands, had pulled out a dreidel and spun it. Damian had asked what it was, and Tim had found a bag of m&ms and explained the rules.

Or at least, the rules at the time.

The money is evenly divided between the players, and then everybody puts half of their money into the pot. 

the nun means you do nothing.

the hei means you take half of the centre pot.

the gimel means you take all of it.

the shin means you put one of your coins in.

The game is over when the pot or one player’s hand is empty.

It’s been 39 hours, and in that time the list of rules has expanded significantly. In addition to the original rules, the list, collaboratively written by all nine of them over the course of at least a dozen games is taped up above the breakfast table by Alfred and now reads:

Wayne Family House Rules For Dreidel

last updated 12/15/19

If you eat your money before the game’s over, you don’t get to complain about losing

all dreidels must be tested by both players for imbalance issues and agreed upon prior to the game

jostling the table in an attempt to influence the fall is prohibited. This includes purposefully jiggling your leg, leaning against the table, shifting one’s weight, or shaking it.

The above may be ignored if a third party outside of the game judges it to be done accidentally.

Ideally, this third party should be Alfred.

leaning over, blowing, or waving one’s arm, hand, or item in the air around the dreidel in an attempt to influence the fall is prohibited.

When playing for length of time a dreidel spins before falling, two (2) stop watches are to be used and the length of time a dreidel spins should be recorded as the average of the two.

when playing for length of time a dreidel spins, the time is to be measured twice, once until the first wobble and once until the dreidel stops moving. 

exploding dreidels are prohibited.

if a player runs out of money in their hand, they may not bet the batarangs they are currently carrying.

or the knives.

or the bullets.

or any gear which may be needed while on patrol or a mission.

or their hairsticks.

everything used as money in a game of dreidel must either be a form of currency recognized by the US government or edible.

Unless playing with US currency, all individual pieces of money in the pot are assigned an equal numerical value

Glucose tablets are not edible. They also count as gear needed for patrol.

The game is to be played on a smooth surface.

The above rules apply to all members of the Wayne household when playing against each other or within a property owned or rented by a member of the household

They also apply to members of the Gordon, Brown, Grayson, and Todd households, just in case anyone wants to get clever

Steph is now several bags of skittles richer, and she’s loving it.

Jason’s digging out metalworking tools to make himself a custom dreidel.

[captainlordauditor]

Earth 427 Shazam aka Ancient Wizard Bullied Into Coherent Morality By Two Immortal Jewish Teenagers

[captainlordauditor]

Richard “Dick” Grayson

Tatiana “Tit” Grayson

Yonaton “Yoni” Grayson

The one constant in the 427 multiverse? The surviving Grayson’s unfortunate nicknames.

[captainlordauditor]

Chapters: 1/1 Fandom: Batman - All Media Types Rating: Explicit Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings Relationships: Dick Grayson/Jason Todd, mentions of Thomas Wayne Jr/Dick Grayson Characters: Dick Grayson, Jason Todd Additional Tags: Earth 3, Bottom Jason Todd, Bottom Jason Todd Week 2020, Anal Sex, Oral Sex, Bloodplay, Incest Kink, Brother/Brother Incest, Underage Sex, Unsafe Sex, do not try this at home, gothic horror, Porn with Feelings, yes this is both of those things, mentions of extreme underage sex, Alternate Universe - Dark, Implied/Referenced Child Abuse, Implied Childhood Sexual Abuse, Cults, Codependency, Dick Grayson is a Talon, Thomas Wayne Jr is a bad sibling, Brief suicide ideation, sort of kind of tim drake bashing, in that Dick doesn't like him, no Tims were harmed in the making of this fic, a Jason was, Resurrected Jason Todd, canon typical resurrection, i can't believe that's a tag i just wrote, Mentions of Murder, light gore, Partner Worship, small!Jason, Unhealthy Relationships, Established Relationship, Just everything, if you'd warn for it assume this fic might have it, Consent Issues, due to, Age Difference, Graveyard Sex, idk if that's a tag but it should be, jason todd channels mary shelley but somehow even more goth, Court of Owls, Alternate Universe - Court of Owls | Talon (DCU), Fanart, Fanfiction with Fanart Summary:

Talon spends every night curled at the gravesite that proves his failure.

Tonight is different.

For Bottom Jason Todd week 2020, the prompts Earth 3 and tiny!Jason