#such an incredible and heartbreaking ending for such a complex caring man

[prismatoxic]

Thoughts upon finishing dungeon meshi? I didn't expect to fall in love with this series and about to reread it all over again cause I know there's tons of details I missed on the first time around

many thoughts... head full...

i was spoiled for a lot of the stuff in the end because that's what happens when you jump headlong into a fandom without finishing the media, but there were some things that took me by surprise, which i was grateful for. i was shielding my partner from spoilers the whole time as well, because they actively upset him and i didn't want any of the stuff i knew to ruin the reveal for him. outside of one thing (laios becoming king), he actually avoided it all!

but, like, on the whole? fuck, man. there aren't many medias i hold in such high regard.

i loved every single character in the entire story. yes, even the ones who sucked; they sucked in compelling and well-written ways. i fell hard for kabru and mithrun, and love them so much, which surprised me. like, i could write essays about kabru, i fucking love the guy. don't let the chilaios posting fool you. but i also fucking adore namari and shuro, who seemed so insignificant in the very beginning. i loved every break we got to see them, or the canaries, or kabru's party.

and our main cast... izutsumi exceeded expectations in every possible way and i can't get enough of her. senshi's backstory was heartbreaking and added a depth to him i hadn't anticipated at all. falin, despite being fridged for the majority of the story, was such an important part of it all that she permeates every inch of the tale, and her survival by the end is an emotionally momentous occasion--and she's so incredible in the moments we get to spend with her!! marcille is so richly complex and amazing to watch, whether she's struggling or dominating the scene, and her love for those close to her is beautiful; we all know she loves falin, but the depths of her affection for the others, especially laios, was amazing.

and, like, you know how i feel about chilchuck and laios. but i will say laios's arc by the end of the manga blew me the fuck away. the things he had to sacrifice to save those he loved... the way he was revealed to hate humanity, yet we know he's always kind? that the people he loves most are humans? the way he did, in the end, accept his role as king, to guide and protect people?

laios doesn't get fixed by the narrative. much like falin, he merely changes, and whether it's for the better or not isn't always clear. but his friends love him, and he's respected, even though the oddities that have been pointed out about him the entire time have gone nowhere. and i think that's fucking incredible.

ryoko kui is a master at showing and not telling. from the small actions characters perform that are never brought up in the text to the things you can trace back through the story as having always been implied, the story remains deep and compelling all the way through, building an entire world and the lives of its characters up as it goes. there was not an inch of this work that wasn't given thought and care.

i loved dungeon meshi from start to finish. nothing i've been into in the past long, long while has been so consistently well done. i'm excited to see what trigger does with it, and what else ryoko kui might do post-canon, and perhaps most of all, where the fandom takes it. it's been such a blast to engage with and i'm so glad i gave it a chance.

[balladedutempsjadis]

I drove 30 minutes each way today to go and see Ponniyin Selvan 2 at the theater closest to me that was still showing it. So this is the sequel to a movie that I didn’t even know about until last Saturday but I’m now OBSESSED (so if you’re a fan and I just friended you that’s why!)

The long drive was soooo worth it though I’m a little ticked off that the manager of the theater was so late to open things up that we missed the first ten minutes of the film (but I know I’ll watch both films again when Amazon gets PS2 in late June so no violence was done ;))

Short version: well worth seeing in the theater and I’m really glad I got the chance. I loved the movie, and couldn’t believe how fast it moved for an-almost 3 hour film. The characters and plot were as engrossing as in the first film and I’m glad I was mostly unspoiled except by history (spoilers below) because there were moments of intense suspense. I’m sad that it’s not a trilogy because I really wanted to spend even MORE TIME in this world with these people.

Longer version (with SPOILERS):

1. I knew Aditha Karikalan would die at some point because he never became a Chola king. And it was probably for the best that he didn’t rule the Cholas lands because I think he would not have made a good king, being so ruled by his passions. At least a few courses in anger management would have helped probably. But … Vikram was really stunning in the role of a man who loathes himself for what he’s become and is dying of guilt and shame long before he actually dies. Just ... I need to watch both movies again and see how his character develops from the flashbacks to the bitter husk of a man he is.

I still can’t figure out one thing, which is why he agreed to basically give up the kingdom for Madhurantakan without taking account the interests of his brother Arunmozhi Varman, whom he very demonstrably cared for deeply. (He was destroyed by the thought that his younger brother had drowned, and the only time we've seen present Aditya happy what when Nambi told him that Arunmozhi was alive.) Was it just because he already knew he was either going to convince Nandini to run away with him or more likely let her kill him and other people would be sorting out that mess anyway? Another reason that he wouldn’t have made a good king - running off with another dude's wife - but which made him such a fascinating and complex character and I keep thinking about how both Nandini and Aditha were destroyed by his family's actions. *sob* (Although, Arunmozhi also gave up a crown twice - the one the monks offered him in Sri Lanka and the one his father gave him at the end - so maybe giving up kingdoms just runs in the family. I'm #TeamQueenKundavai TBQH :P)

2. That brings me to Nandini. I felt like she really did love Aditha Karikalan but she also did love power and being a Queen (because of the theater malfunction I only got to see the very end of the flashbacks of young Aditha and young Nandini at the beginning of the movie so I may have a clearer understanding that this is not what she's about once I see that.) Aditha says "lies!" when she says she wants power, and riches, and a throne, but I think it's not *entirely* lies? She was powerless when the Cholas deported her, and powerless to stop Aditha from killing the man she thought of as a father (who actually WAS her father), so I can certainly understand why part of her longed for the power to protect herself from heartbreak and destitution and why that part of her was willing to use her beauty to manipulate men (like Parthibendran, more on him later.) Her vengeance and hatred hollowed out her character just as much as guilt and anger did to Aditha, but she doesn't murder Vanthiyadevan (OMG HOW DO YOU SPELL THAT?) when she has the chance even though she knows he's going to do everything to spoil her plans. So there's still something in her that isn't completely spoiled, and I ended up just feeling incredibly awful for her (and even more awful for her mother!)

She is so damn beautiful! (One slight thing that I WISH they had done was give the young woman who played young Nandini (wonderfully) some hazel contact lenses so I'd wouldn't mentally have to color her eyes :P)

3. Next we come to Vandiyadevan, who was just ... perfect? I loved him. He was like an ancient Tamil D'Artagnan (and that would make Aditha Karikalan Athos and Nandini Milady, I guess? And Nambi is Porthos and Kundavai is Aramis, the clever one.) Anyway, he was great, smart, quick-thinking, a great warrior, but also not at all dumb. I really liked him and enjoyed all of his scenes. And I found out from history that the historical character did get to marry Kundavai so YAY! He was just a nice bright spirit without a ton of angst.

4. And now we come to the titular character, Ponniyin Selvan (Ponni's son) himself, Arunmozhi Varman, who eventually becomes Rajaraja Chola. I had never even heard of Jayam Ravi (sorry, this is I think the first Tamil movie I've watched since I was a kid) but he was ABSOLUTELY PERFECT as the young "King of Kings." I think this might have been the most difficult role in the film to pull off, simply because Rajaraja Cholas is so famous and so beloved STILL, a thousand years after his death. It's very rare that I would love the unequivocally good guys in a historical epic or fantasy movie/series but there is something about this character played by this actor that is just extremely charismatic. To start with, he's tall and handsome so that helps. But there's another quality that no one else in this film has, which that he radiates inner calm.

It's not that he doesn't have strong emotions that he shows on his face, because yes absolutely he does, and it's not that he doesn't have much do action-wise because he does, especially in P-S2.

But in the midst of this frenetic action and these tortured characters, Arulmozhi Varman has this quality of stillness at his core. No wonder the Buddhist monks like him so much that that they will put themselves between him and assassins' daggers. (Also did I mention the tall and handsome part?)

Plus, he has that classic "worthy to be a king" thing going because he does not want the throne and that's what makes him worthy. First of all, he refuses the throne of Lanka when he's offered it by the Buddhist monks there, and then, after he's won the battle and broken the rebellion and secured the safety of his family's kingdom, he gives up THAT crown too. WE - the audience - know that Uttama Chola will ultimately die (I think peacefully?) and Arulmozhi will become Rajaraja Chola but HE doesn't know that, and none of the other people, his friends and family, know that either. Like, I'm kind of in awe of the actual historical figure too. The character could have died so many times in these two films, and the historical person, who was a warrior king, could also have died long before he took the throne, so he was FOR REAL making a huge sacrifice. And I think he did it so there would be no divisions that the Cholas' enemies could take advantage of, as there had been for Nandini and the Pandyas to exploit when Maduranthakan decided that yes, he did want to be king and that it wasn’t fair that his brother’s oldest son would be king instead of him. No one living at the end of the film knows that Aditha essentially killed himself, but everyone knows that the plotters were using Maduranthakan as a puppet. (The crown was kind of funny looking so I'm actually glad my boo didn't put it on at the end :P) (Also more on Maduranthakan later.)

Also, how cool is it that in the battle at the end, Arunmozhi comes riding out of the smoke while the Chola anthem plays, just as his brother did in the first scene of the first movie. I love that parallel (and the differences are important too, because Aditha was engaging in a conquest of a neighboring kingdom and Arunmozhi is defending the Chola kingdom.)

Anyway, Ponniyan Selvan lived to become the great Rajaraja Chola, whose reign saw one of the highest points of Indian art (the extraordinary Chola bronzes) and the construction of the great South Indian temple of Brihadeswara in Thanjavur.

The carvings are amazing (look closely at this elephant which is doing something that happens in PS2 :D)

OK, moving on ... though I don't want to ...

5. Kundavai, the third royal sibling, who I also love to BITS. She didn't have as much to do in this film, I thought, and maybe it's because there was more focus on Nandini in this one, but she remained smart and sensible and I love the face-off with her uncle when he brings the Shiva-yogis to make his mother (Kundavai's grandmother) apologize for not putting him on the throne. Kundavai forces him and his rather intimidating crowd of followers to back off with a lot of hard stares (Paddington would be so proud.) And then she has the lovely little scene with Vandiyadevan (I'm still so sorry I don't know how to make this work) and and another gorgeous scene with her brothers at the Buddhist monastery (which, I love the scene but I hate that it’s the ONLY one). I love her, and I think she should have become the queen and my only consolation is that IRL she got to basically shape two great kings of the Chola dynasty, Rajaraja AND his son Rajendra. (And Rajaraja named his daughter after her so he obviously appreciated her a LOT.) Anyway, I love her and would love a series about her (IF ANYONE IS LISTENING.)

Awww! I just want to draw little hearts and flowers around this GIF. I wish we got more of them being adorable and hot together.

6. Everyone else (sorry this is getting super long), including some questions I have.

a. Vanathi: I know I saw some scenes of her and Arulmozhi in one of the song videos hat got cut in the actual film and I just would have liked to know more of her relationship with Kundavai and with Kundavai's brother. They were lovely together, but it just felt like there was a lot of missing stuff. I liked what I saw of her especially the adorable dance in PS1. And she was also related to ... someone? Because she called him "mama" (uncle?) and he seemed to be the commander of Aditha's forces, but then there was another dude at Kadambur who was a relative of the Cholas and the treasurer guy who was married to Nandini but they were not the same person and I thought one of them was Vanathi's uncle. NEEDS MORE BACKSTORY.

b. Poonguzhali (AGAIN I AM SURE I SPELLED THIS WRONG): I REALLY need more backstory on this. When did she meet Ponniyan Selvan? Why did he call her Samudra Kumari? Why did she risk her life for him (I mean, besides being in love with him which checks out because everyone else is :P) and what was the deal with her and the flower man at the temple? I just feel like a lot of stuff was missing that would have helped me understand better what was happening. (Also she was an amazing sailor to have gotten through that storm.)

c. Parthibendran Pallava and his lightning-fast enmity to Vandiyadevan and then his baseless accusation that Arunmozhi Varman had sent Vandiyadevan to murder Aditha Karikalan. I mean, did he even meet either of them? Why did he think Arunmozhi wanted his brother dead? Was it all just from meeting Nandini THAT ONE TIME because bro, you need a slap if that's the case?

d. Madhurantakan - I was screaming at him (in my head) to realize that there would be no coup without bloodshed, GOD OF COURSE SOME OR ALL OF HIS BROTHER'S KIDS AND HIS BROTHER WOULD DIE. And the other kings wanted a puppet on the throne, not a warrior like Aditha or someone as popular as Arunmozhi (also a brave warrior). But finally Madhurantakan learned his lesson before he fully betrayed his kingdom and family and people. However, the bit about how he was administrating the kingdom for 25 years dropped in at the end was a bit sudden and I would have liked to know Arunmozhi’s thought process, even if it was just “hey I just want to go have adventures with Vandiyadevan because it’s super fun.” I would have also liked some evidence of said administration because they kept playing up his devotion to Shiva and not much else (though he clearly had the Shaivite warrior-mendicant vote SOWN UP! But I'm also confused because some - but not all - of those dudes appeared to be Secret Pandya Assassins, like the lady who attacked the Buddhist monastery and forced Arunmozhi to come out and show himself to the people and by people I mean assassins.) So I don't know ... Anyway, glad Madhurantakan came to his senses and did not side with the other kings against his family. While his reward for only being partially a traitor seemed disproportionate, on the other hand, I thought Arulmozhi was also smart to say that his sword and Vandiyadevan's would be backing up Uncle M so no one got any ideas and probably Kundavai would also be advising Uncle M about good administration. :D (It was kind of funny that Arulmozhi had to get the crowd to cheer for his uncle because they were all like *do not want**we want YOU, young victorious prince* but it’s a sign of his charisma that he got them to accept his uncle as king.)

e. The Pandya assassins were a bit reminiscent of Wile E. Coyote tbqh. All their plans kept not working out in spectacular ways. Is there some reason why no one tipped an arrow with poison or put poison in a cup of wine for Aditha who liked his wine or put poison on their swords so even if they nicked Arunmozhi they'd end up killing them? Do you sense a theme here? Was there some reason why the revenge had to involve actual beheading or it didn't count? Honestly, without Nandini they would have failed even more spectacularly. Also, after Nandini killed herself, what happened to the little Pandya boy king - Nandini's half-brother who swore vengeance? (FYI, I read somewhere - wish I could remember where - that Rajaraja Chola hunted down the assassins of his brother even as far as Indonesia.)

f. I was a little confused by all the uncles and grandparents and so on, like the white-haired general was the grandfather of the three Chola siblings, I assume their mother's father?

g. I would have liked some of the storylines more fleshed out (especially Mandakini's because that was very sudden and if she came and gave birth to Nandini in the Chola lands, how did Sundara Chola not know about this and I guess she spent time hanging out so she could save Arunmozhi when he fell in the water at home and abroad? Why did she care for him so much? Because he was like his father? That seems pretty generous. Anyway ...) If there is a director's cut that is five hours long for each film, PLEASE BRING IT ON. I would love to see it.

In conclusion - I LOVED both movies. This feels like a very special and great achievement, and I hope its success leads to more really good directors delving into South Indian history, like that of the Vijaynagara Empire (which is the subject of Salman Rushdie's latest novel which I haven't read yet.)

ETA: THE MUSIC. I loved it. I've been listening to some of it on a constant loop.

I'm now off to read the books and explore the filmography of Vikram, Trisha, Karthi and Jayam Ravi (if there are any films that are really awesome or really awful please let me know in the comments.) I have been meaning to get into South Indian cinema more and this was a great starting point.

[fridgoris]

The tragedy of Simon Petrikov

(An Ice King character analysis)

The tragedy of Simon Petrikov (AKA, the Ice King) in Adventure Time is one of the most heartbreaking and emotional character arcs I've ever encountered in any show. To directly quote TV.com, "it's sort of amazing how Adventure Time has transformed the Ice King from an irritating antagonist to one of the most tragic figures on television[6]." Ice King was introduced as a goofy, somewhat harmless villain that posed no real threat to anyone but himself. However, his story transforms into a complex story of mental illness, isolation and loss of identity. For me, Ice King's story is by far the most powerful element of Adventure Time, and is singlehandedly why the show is as enjoyable as it is.

Ice King is nothing more than a silly idiot antagonist that's obsessed with kidnapping princesses to make into his wife. He's portrayed as a clueless joke of a villain that is just lonely. However, beneath the surface (and the crown) lies Simon Petrikov. Simon Petrikov was a loving, sweet and incredibly intelligent man who discovered the crown, unaware of its dark power within. Simon began to wear the crown to study it's magical properties, but was slowly driven mad by its magic. Simon's transformation into the Ice King wasn't instant- it was a slow, and painful descent into utter madness. Simon's self-awareness of his own mental deterioration is what makes his story so tragic. We see through flashbacks that Simon tries to claw on to his identity and memories for as long as possible, fearing he'll lose his fiancée Betty, and himself for good.

The most heart-breaking aspect of Simon's transformation into Ice King, is that he's unaware of his own tragedy. Ice King can't remember what it was like to be Simon, or the love-filled life he lived before he put on the crown. To him, he's blissfully unaware of the man he used to be, he's always been Ice King. This makes his interactions with Marceline hit even harder. Marceline is the only person alive who can remember the man Ice King used to be, and she holds on to those memories dearly

Marceline sees Ice King as Simon Petrikov, and treats him with a level of kindness and care not given by any other character. As a child, Simon Petrikov protected Marceline during the aftermath of the great Mushroom War. She tries to gently remind the Ice King of who he once was throughout the show; which combined with her refusal to give up on the man beneath the crown, shows her love and unwillingness to give up on the man who once saved her life.

In the end, Ice King's story is one of redemption and forgiveness. While he never regains his identity as Simon, he learns to build good lasting relationships as the Ice King. With the help of those who care for him (like Marceline, Finn and Jake.) Ice King mightn ot fully remember who he was, but the people around him continue to see the good man he was, and still is. Ice King's story is a powerful reminder that even when someone loses themselves, their love and true selves are still there buried underneath. Ice King's character arc is a testament to the fragility of one's mind and how important love and friendship are for your mental health.

[iwatchedyougoinghomeeveryday]

So... over the summer I finally watched Lost.

I can't believe I waited over a decade to watch this show. I used to read all of the recaps in my Entertainment Weekly magazines and was closely following the fan reactions throughout the final season. I remember everyone hating the final episode and I was shocked at that. I actually started the pilot twice within the decade, but it stressed me out so much that I switched to watching something more lighthearted lol. Well, this past summer, my mom and I watched the entire show. And we freakin loved it. (Duh.) (Also EVERYONE IS WRONG AND THE FINALE IS GREAT.)

Here are my thoughts because talking about 2000s television shows is my favorite thing:

(spoilers)

I loved all of the characters and can't stand any of the hate I've seen online. THESE PEOPLE WERE GOING THROUGH SOME DEEP TRAUMA, OKAY?! My favorites: 1) Jack 2) Locke 3) Sayid 4) Sun 5) Sawyer

Jack was my favorite from the first episode. People who take on all this excess emotional responsibility are always my favorites (Matt Saracen! Randall Pearson!), but I found it so interesting to watch a character with a savior complex being thrown into a huge crisis. Did he make mistakes? Yes. Was he sometimes toxic and super messy? Obviously. But that made him an even stronger lead character and he, ultimately, was a layered and great deconstruction of the typical "hero" character. Y'ALL JUST DON'T UNDERSTAND JACK SHEPARD.

John Locke. "Walkabout". I don't even need to say more. Okay, yeah I do. He won me over in the previous episode, with him helping find Vincent and letting Michael take the credit. But this episode... I had chills. I was sobbing throughout the final five minutes. The episode got me completely obsessed with the show. John Locke was also a messy character, and he had his good and bad moments, but my God, was his story just so sad. I can't think about his ending because I'll start sobbing all over again.

Also the Jack/John dynamic was one of my favorite parts of the show. Every single one of their scenes was golden. The fact that their final conversation is what pushed John over the edge and made him want to commit suicide, AND THEN John's death and Jack's guilt over everything is what led JACK to want to commit suicide. THE HEARTBREAKING PARALLELS IN THIS SHOW MY GOD.

Okay but in the limited time I've been checking fan reactions, why does Sayid seem to be underrated?! WHY?! He was also one of my favorites from the very beginning and he's pretty much the only one to not let me down. (Okay, season 6 weirdness aside.) WHAT A MAN. If I was on that dang island, I would just be doing whatever Sayid did. Sayid says we should stay? We should stay. Sayid's going with Jack? I'm going with Jack. He was intelligent, thoughtful, strong, had finesse, could do weird things with his legs (not sexual). Yeah, he had the most yiiiikes backstory of being a torturer, but... I'D FOLLOW HIM ANYWHERE.

SUN WAS A QUEEN. She had the most iconic lines. Her takedowns... incredible. I love how at the start she was seen as the most "pure" one on the island, but she also had all these secrets and was lowkey manipulative. (I love how her arc is also the reverse of Jin's, who starts out as the worst, but becomes so sweet and everyone's fave later on. Not saying Sun became a bad person, but her character got darker while Jin's got lighter.) No one talk to me about the sub. NO ONE TALK TO ME ABOUT THE SUB.

Sawyer... first, I loved that he was a reader. Him with his little glasses... some of my favorite moments. I loved that his awfulness didn't go away in an episode. You'd have moments of him showing a deeper, more caring side, then he'd immediately remind you why you couldn't stand him. He was a jerk and didn't really shed that in until, what, season 3? He didn't really make the transition to "hero" until he jumped out of that helicopter though. Anyway, never met a character that hated himself more!!!

I was into the Jack/Kate/Sawyer love triangle for the first season and a half because they all seemed to have respect for each other. Okay, "respect" might not be the right word, but Jack and Sawyer's beef went way deeper than Kate. They never really fought each other over Kate, which was refreshing. The writers definitely dragged the triangle on for way too long, though, and at the detriment of Kate's character. Girl deserved better!!! The show should've focused on how Kate tried to redeem herself by always being there for everyone, but they kept her in love triangle limbo. I thought Kate/Sawyer made sense on the island, but they were ultimately indulging each other's worst traits. Like they bonded because they could relate to their shady pasts, so that was the strength of their relationship. Jack/Kate definitely won me over and I wish we got more happy moments of them off the island. This show could never let these characters have nice things!!!

Sawyer and Juliet... I like in theory. Buttttt I'm not as crazy about them as most fans. I think it's because I live for the build-up in a relationship and we skipped all that with them. I wanted to understand better why they were "it" for each other. But the Incident scenes, OH MY GOD WHY IS THIS SHOW MY NEW COMFORT SHOW WHEN IT IS SO PAINFUL?!

Sun/Jin, Jack/Kate, Desmond/Penny. Those are the ships.

(Okay and crackship is definitely Jack/Sawyer. Those two had CHEMISTRY.)

I love that all I've talked about are the characters. I need to rapid fire add my thoughts: I wish Danielle and Alex had more time. We deserved more scenes of them together. Danielle was a badass and Alex was, too, and their reunion took SOOO long to happen, then it was over. Also Alex lowkey had the saddest story on this show, thinking about her entire life but especially her last hour alive... I can't.

MICHAEL DESERVED SO MUCH BETTER!!! Michael and Walt had one of the most interesting dynamics, but I also loved his interactions with so many other characters, like Jin. I get why they had to write Walt off the show, with the child actor growing so fast, but to do Michael so dirty... WHY?! What he did was the worst (I can't recall anyone else senselessly killing someone in cold blood... no self-defense, just two innocent people), BUT I also felt bad because he was driven to that point by his child being taken from him. I wish the writers didn't have him tell Walt what happened because the way Michael's story ended was heartbreaking. And they should've brought Walt back once they did a time-jump!!! At the very least, they deserved to be in that church at the end.

I love that Ben has done so many awful things, literally committed genocide, and I'm just like, "Ahhhh, I love that funny little man".

Season 1 was definitely my favorite season. I didn't expect so much of it to be focused on the survival aspect... I expected more of the overt mystery elements to be the focus in the first season? But surprisingly, the survival story of the first season was my favorite. I felt like it gave everyone time to bond and they really became a little family. Later they get split up a lot, and the survival elements aren't the same, so I was nostalgic for the first season.

I've written so much and I haven't even talked about the individual seasons. I don't even think I can rank them. Season 1... easy favorite. Season 6... last. But the others all had parts I really liked and didn't like. Like season 2's first half, season 3's back half, and the concepts of seasons 4 and 5 were great (even though I think they could've been executed better in parts). One thing I wish we had was more of the Oceanic 6's time off-island. That was such a huge reveal and change in the story... I wish we saw how they were coping, not just with their lies and leaving everyone behind, but adjusting to "normal" life after being in intense survival mode for 100 days.

[xserpx]

TV Show Ask: 2, 4, 9, 10, 35, 38, 39, 46, 47, and 48?

Thanks for the asks! 🥰

2. Already answered.

4. are there any shows you wish could just be cancelled already?

I'm gonna be cantankerous and say House of the Dragon. I'm just not a fan of GoT. Granted, I will probably eat my words if/when I ever get around to reading the books, but until then I find the discussion about it quite irritating, especially because of how inescapable it feels lmao

9. Already answered.

10. what’s one show you thought you’d love but turned out to really hate?

I think probably Chainsaw Man? I do like some aspects of it, and I really wanted to like it more, but it just feels almost boring how teenage angsty it is, it conforms too much to the genre to be interesting. I stopped watching after episode 8.

35. who are your top 5 TV characters right now?

1. Anthony Lockwood, Lucy Carlyle, George Karim (Lockwood & Co.) - I'm obsessed with Lockwood & Co. to the point where I'm procrastinating finishing the last book. I can't pick a favourite of the main trio, they're all so great in their own ways. I just love how truly found family they are, the actors are all spectacular, they just fill my heart with joy.

2. Scanlan Shorthalt (The Legend of Vox Machina) - It's so hard to pick a favourite in TLoVM and this is definitely subject to change, but Scanlan is my favourite at the moment. I love me a comic relief character who is much more than just comic relief and I was so impressed with his arc in the second season.

3. August of Arnäs (Young Royals) - deeply problematic/unpopular opinion, I know, but I will die on this hill. Young Royals is an incredible show with genuinely clever writing and complex characters, it's nowhere near as tropey as it appears from the outside, and while I love Wille & Simon I think the character writing really shines when it comes to August. It helps that he has Leo levels of self-hatred that manifest as egotism. They're surprisingly similar characters, actually.

4. Kendall Roy (Succession) - I think Kendall is the character I'm most interested in seeing genuinely change, either for the better (fucking over Logan) or for the worse (becoming Logan). Maybe he'll end up doing both. Either way, I'm rooting for him.

5. Geordi La Forge (Star Trek: TNG) - I've been actually watching TNG after years of catching episodes every now and then, and have come to realise that my favourite of the TNG crew is Geordi. I always thought it'd be Picard or Data, but I think Geordi is a great all-rounder, he's funny, he's kind, he's clever, he's approachable. I love him!

38. do you prefer hour long episodes, or 30 minute?

Hour long episodes are the best. Proper ones, too, without ads.

38. do you prefer 22 episode seasons, or 13?

I prefer 13 episode seasons I think. It generally makes for a better quality show. That said, there is also definitely space in my life for longer seasons when I want something less taxing.

46. do you prefer to watch TV alone or with friends?

Alone. I don't watch TV with friends that often, but even when I do more often than not I'd still rather watch it alone. I like forming my own opinions on things, I always care too much about what the person I'm watching it with is thinking.

47. are there any shows you love but your friends aren’t interested in?

Mostly the kid's/teen shows like JatP, Lockwood, Young Royals, Heartbreak High.

48. are there any shows your friends love but you aren’t interested in?

Rick & Morty & Dragonball Z are the big ones, they make references to those shows and I just don't get them. Aforementioned Game of Thrones & spin-offs, some of the anime they watch I'm not interested in either.

[actuallylisteningtolyrics]

Roll to Me

A song about how a lady is broken hearted, and this man says he'll be there for her.

Of course, that might not work out! That's not in the lyrics, I'm just adding that.

It's nice to have a song about finding life after being beaten down. The music matches.

If We Ever Meet Again

A song about two people meeting each other and feeling a spark, hoping that they meet again. Simple, positive, beautiful.

I don't think there's anything wrong with really simple songs that can be summed up in one sentence but I can't help but feel like there's more a song can be.

Quiet

This is the kind of song I'm talking about. Where it feels like more of a journey.

Matilda has so much pain and chaos in her brain to the point where she struggles to explain it, and manages to find inner peace.

Such clever and even moving similies.

She feels the chaos, then finds the inner peace so she can deal with the chaos. It's inspiring. It's moving. It's an act of love for herself to move past the heartbreak.

You can find it within you to move past the pain.

How Do You Sleep

I've done this one before but I don't remember it.

I'm gathering this is a relationship where the girl is cheating on the guy. The guy's in disbelief that the girl can sleep while treating him this way and is desperately hoping that she'll be kept awake knowing that he loves her.

Unfortunately, the relationship seems dead and I'm guessing this won't happen.

The guy is aware that this relationship is dead but there are still things about her he loves so he struggles to leave and start the healing.

It's a compelling song about desperation. He's desperately hoping that she'll just change and start feeling bad because he doesn't have the strength to leave.

It's a tough situation, and it happens. Love explodes on you.

While it's a simple song, what it's about is complex and dynamic, and it adds a bit more to the story than the previous songs today did.

Through a Door

This is an intriguing one. It seems like Regina is saying how you have the capacity to feel for other people. That you don't have to worry that if you start feeling for other people, you won't be able to feel for yourself. That as long as you're alive, you'll always come back to yourself, no matter how long you've been feeling for others.

Home seems to represent a place of peace and comfort, and Regina is saying that no matter what hardships you go through, there will be a home to go to.

She's saying how it's okay to feel, and it's okay to deal with dark things, and it's okay to care about others. And that ultimately, we're all in this together, we're all caring about one another, and that we'll all have a home to go back to.

It's a dynamic and lovely song.

If you let your heart go free, it has resilience. It will naturally gravitate toward others. And it will naturally come home. And that journey start with going through a closed door.

It's about how incredible the heart can be.

A dynamic premise that manages to expand on itself. Lovely.

Flamingo

It's a quirky song about the dichotomy between reality and fantasy, and how this man is a dreamer even if it's not always realistic.

It plays into the fun of dreaming and breaking free.

When I Grow Up

More Matilda!

A really cute and moving song about what children want when they grow up. Dreams that are beautiful but not really sustainable, not unlike a love that can't be.

And the really intelligent twist of having an adult come in at the end. Taking the song from kids growing up to being about everyone. About how you're always on a journey, having trouble but being hopeful.

It's a bittersweet song at its heart. You dream of a world without trouble. In reality, the trouble is always there. But there's a hope that you'll grow past it.

You're always growing up. You're always growing past trouble.

Ungh. Incredible song. Very dynamic.

The Kiss of Life

Oh. This is going to hit hard.

It's a song about a man who's lost his love for life but had one fleeting moment of feeling that love again. The "kiss of life".

He desperately wants to avoid the despair of being so hopeless. He wants the things that make him happy to be alive.

Despite how defeated he is, there's still a passion in him.

I loved the music and I love the lyrics, too. Amazing song.

[100cat]

Current thoughts on Higurashi: When They Cry Ch. 3, Tatarigoroshi

(No spoilers plz, but also . Spoilers from me here tho HKGJD)

(I have just reached the end of chapter 6 btw-)

So I hate Coach, he’s weird 😭 I know the point is supposed to be that he’s ~silly~ and ~quirky~ but it doesn’t make me feel less uncomfortable GKGKG I mean like yeah he’s nice. But he’s also 🤨 to me. Jail 👏

This whole Chapter just feels more sus than the others, but also it has so many more wholesome moments as well 😭

Ok with that out of the way, onto things I’m liking so far!

Once again, wholesome moments. Amazing. I’ve always loved Keiichi and Satoko’s dynamic, and it’s really nice to see them get along so well here.

As always, the show-not-tell of the group’s strengths and love for one another showing here. That’s something I really admire about the writing- each character is so multidimensional that trying to describe them with one word feels so wrong. And they all care about each other so much!

But my favorite thing right now is how heartbreaking the current situation is. If you or anyone you’ve cared about has dealt with child abuse, then you really get how the characters are feeling :c it really hits home for me, more than the other chapters (not that they had to be relatable to be as impactful as they were-)

Once again the overall writing is incredible, and I am once again grateful that it was written in first person point of view. You can really feel Keiichi’s confusion and frustration as he argues with Mion over how to get Satoko out of the abusive household. (While the laws may be different here in America, I do feel like I understand the complexities of the law when dealing with abuse better now. ) Like… he’s just a kid. A teenager. He wants so badly to help his dear friend, but he’s naive and optimistic. There’s nothing anyone can do, really…

Oh man, and the scene where Coach and Keiichi hear Satoko’s uncle being awful to her, and both of them knowing there’s nothing they can do?! The “wait and see” approach that Keiichi hated the social workers doing- i looove how that phrase and idea keeps popping up, it’s heart wrenching and thematically impactful 😭

Just remembered they’re gonna have to face demons or something later oh no- we haven’t even gotten to the Watanagashi festival yet o.o”

And just knowing that the creator worked as a social worker once… (from what I’ve heard) …wow. This stuff is heartbreaking!

Also ACAB lol no one likes the cops. That’s another theme of these games I like. But are we getting some timeline convergence/ZE morphogenetic field stuff with Keiichi seeing Ooishi and hating him on sight..? Exciting!

[clavissionary-position]

I hear your concerns, and I used to have similar opinions of Chevalier myself, because I only saw him on a superficial level. But that's the same fallacy that MC herself falls into in his route, judging him by surface-level actions and menace without seeing all the little ways in which he is human and the opposite of cruel.

I don't know if I can change your mind with this, and it's well within your rights to not want to bother with a character you despise (there are definitely characters the Ikemen fandom adores that I'm not super crazy about, so I understand). In that sense, it's hypocritical of me to even attempt this, but if you ever feel like revisiting Chev one day, I urge you to look closer at what he's been doing this entire time. Because it's heartbreaking.

(Clavis Dramatic end and True end spoilers under the cut)

It may seem like he's coldly and callously casting aside individuals for the benefit of the whole, and that's because that's what he wants to do, because that's pragmatic and ensures the future of the kingdom in his mind. However, he is always at war with his own heart and conscience and humanity. There is a pure, innocent soul in him that craves love and secretly protects all his brothers, especially Clavis, even if on the surface-level it seems like he was antagonizing Clavis the entire time in Clavis's route. He certainly has the choice to hold dialogue instead of resorting to immediate violence, and come to a compromise instead. That's his character flaw, and it can be hard to stomach, I know from personal experience. But despite that, he is willing to listen, even if it doesn't seem like he's listening.

He's an incredibly proud and tsundere man, but he finds sneaky ways to help his brothers and limit the loss of life, even if his methods are highly questionable and cruel. Maybe it seems like those two things can't coexist. I personally believe that Chevalier and Clavis have an abusive relationship, but that doesn't negate the clumsy affection Chevalier shows for Clavis. Their bond is incredibly complex, and I don't know that it's right to dismiss it or extoll it either way.

I guess what I'm saying is, even if you come out with the same exact opinion of Chevalier as you have now, I hope can do so while acknowledging the other well-intentioned facets of him. Sariel's story about Chevalier in the collection event about his relationship with each of the princes reveals a lot about how much Chevalier does for his brothers behind the scenes. But if you want an expert analysis, I highly recommend aquagirl1978's brilliant breakdown of Chevalier that she wrote up recently.

I also disagree about Gilbert not caring for individuals. There's evidence of how strongly he feels about the regular people who get taken advantage of and sacrificed by the nobility in Clavis's route, especially his Dramatic ending. Clavis's Dramatic ending also makes clear where Chevalier's heart is and how Chevalier has been looking after Clavis this entire time, and always will, despite whatever threats he makes. Clavis's True Ending once you clear both endings reveals an even more heartbreaking look at Chevalier's affection for his fool of a brother.

But all this is to say that I respect your opinions on these characters, whether or not they change. All I ask is for you to not dismiss them without seeing their different layers. But if you come out disagreeing with me, that's totally fine too ^^ Or if you don't feel like giving them a second look, that's also cool because if someone told me to give x or y characters that I dislike another shot I'd probably be like "I'm sorry, I really don't want to ^^"

Anyway, happy playing! And I hope you have a wonderful day!

I can't believe I struggled through Chevalier's route and gained a grudging acceptance of him only to play Clavis's route and tumble right back down the ladder. It's not even neutrality anymore, it's full on dislike.

I'm not even mad that he wants to protect the kingdom. That's valid. It's that he and gilbert have this grand "the people matter less than the kingdom". As if kingdoms aren't made up of said people. It's the same nationalism in a different font. The only thing Rhodolite has above Obsidian is that they don't keep slaves (debatable, given what I remember of Leon's route).

The game insists that Chevalier is some sort of genius, he's playing fucking quantum 3D chess while everyone is stuck figuring out the checkers board, but all I see is that he's classically intelligent with a side of eidetic memory. Congratulations, he can memorize a book in .5 seconds. Is he going to use all that big brain energy to cooperate with anyone, save lives, or oppose Rhodolite's internal issues with their own corrupt nobility?

I recognize that I'm not being wholly objective but I have played through so many routes in this game and in every single one of them Chevalier has always been a brick wall. If a problem can't be potentially solved with a sword or a threat, he's out. Violence is the only solution he wants to get involved with and if no one's getting stabbed then why the fuck did you call him here. Diplomacy? Fuck you.

I know he's not supposed to be the "good guy", arguably none of them are considering they're all "beasts", but it's just annoying to have the characters treat him like this infallible golden goose of good ideas, meanwhile his grand ambition is stupid and is exactly what Obsidian wants in a different palette.

[roobylavender]

i don’t really agree with the idea that ra’s can be swapped out for talia in terms of damian’s upbringing and nothing would change about the story bc he’d be near exactly as abusive as morrison wrote talia to be like.. no.. that’s just misunderstanding ra’s as a character which frankly a lot of people do. ra’s is emotionally abusive but there are still specific patterns to that behavior. he wants the people at his side to genuinely believe in his vision and abide by it and act upon it, it’s far more complex than him being a physically abusive person who would brutally train a child with no remorse or regard for that child’s well being. current canon esp in the last year has led to this belief that talia grew up cold and pressured to take upon the role and be the perfect weapon but she didn’t. she and ra’s were implied to have a relatively fine relationship as she grew up and things only began to shift once bruce entered the picture and became an influence on talia and her loyalties

when the idea of losing talia to bruce began to veer into reality, ra’s became more possessive and insistent in what he wanted talia to do to ensure she would remain on his side. but even then when she ultimately left him for good to move to metropolis the retaliation that ra’s took out wasn’t on her, it was on bruce. he respected her attempts to break out and do something on her own terms, and that’s not to absolve him, i’m simply pointing out how he’s capable of respecting the people he cares about so long as they don’t go directly against him. so when you toy with the idea of ra’s killing damian’s adoptive parents (which is something i believe he would do. they’re an obstacle to his family after all) and thereby choosing to raise him on his own you have to remember that damian is ultimately a child who will possess little to no tangible worldview with respect to what ra’s is preaching (unless his parents are conveniently environmentalists and he’s a genius child which personally is a boring cop out)

so damian is this relatively unexposed kid whose parents suddenly die only for a man to present himself as his grandfather. ra’s pulls the strings to let it all show in the paperwork and damian goes home to one of his bases. and i think the first thing ra’s would do is teach damian about the world. about the way he views it but in the simplest terms understandable to a child. and he would pull damian into this world of scholarship and travel and athleticism not out of cruelty but out of love. bc there is genuine love that ra’s has for bruce and talia even if he eventually abused it. he was overjoyed when they were going to have damian. and he can still be overjoyed and engrossed in the idea of having a grandson to call his own and to teach his philosophy to even if ultimately what he would be doing is projecting his own desires onto damian. he can hope for damian to be the one person in his family who stands by him and understands him and follows him and it can be tragic bc we know his worldview is ultimately wrong and what he’s done isn’t right and damian needs to be rescued asap. but it would all be punctuated by love that would frankly be so much more interesting to explore bc the real crux of ra’s as a character is that he is incredibly proud and lonely and loving in all of the most heartbreaking and potentially unforgivable ways possible. he holds onto people too tightly without understanding why they might want to let go. and there’s no better person to explore the breaking point of that behavior through than a completely unaware damian who ends up on his doorstep and genuinely believes he’s going to live with a grandfather who loves him in all of the right ways. and love him ra’s does. just without telling damian all of the ugly truths it took to get him there

[onyxheartbeat]

I’m turning 30 this year. Here are some things I learned throughout my 20s about love and heartbreak. This won’t apply to every identity, obviously. I’m simply sharing from my own romantic/sexual preferences.

-You can’t make a man love or value you by dressing sexier, dressing more modest, wearing more makeup, wearing less makeup, buying him gifts, giving him nudes or sexual attention, or even by offering him love, friendship, and support. It’s easy to get caught up in the “But what if I was more ... ?” mentality. He loves you or he doesn’t. Love isn’t something we control or buy. Love, gifts, your energy, sexual affection may feel unconditional, but years can go by before you even realize he didn’t reciprocate any of it even though he gladly took all those things, and you’re probably going to feel like an idiot. Wanting attention from a man you like is normal, but unrequited love is a bitch. You have to take accountability for how long you indulge in the dysfunction of it all.

-Love, hate, and resentment for a man who took advantage of you can live in your heart all at once. It’s always complex if the friendship/relationship was complex. If you loved him, there’s a chance that you’ll never fall out of love completely. Acknowledge everything you’re feeling. 

-Giving chances is a healthy thing, despite this era’s obsession with cutting people off the second things get hard, but after a few incidents of the same disappointment, you have to take responsibility for enabling them. You have to find the self-respect to tell them what they’re doing isn’t ok with you, and you have to say goodbye. This was definitely the hardest lesson for me to accept. It took me a long time to express upset feelings to two different men I fell for while in my 20s, because I thought they wouldn’t want to talk to me anymore if I did (and I was right). But it’s a blessing in disguise when someone repeatedly doesn’t respect your boundaries. It lets you know they don’t care about you—it’s like the trash taking itself out. Just accept that they’re gone.

-Closure is a myth. You’ll never get closure if you’re upset about something they did that they never apologized for, etc.. You’ll never be able to “make them take accountability” for what they did unless you decide to do something reckless or illegal (I don’t recommend that). If you’re like me and you don’t believe in karma, you just have to accept that they got away with being shitty. It sucks. Being angry is valid and you don’t have to forgive and forget. Channel the rage and resentment into art, writing, physical activity, or just to better understanding yourself. Go to therapy or find a support group. You will drive yourself insane trying to understand why they acted how they did. You have to understand that they don’t care.

-Overseas/long distance or internet relationships can be incredibly intellectually fulfilling, if you’re like me and you don’t date, but you love writing and the romance of words and getting lost in a fantasy world. It feels less stressful because there’s no dating involved. It feels safer, as you get to know someone from a distance. It can feel very romantic, but unless you feel the same way about each other, years can go by and it can end up feeling juvenile, like a waste of time, and a lost cause.

-Keeping yourself single all the while perpetually being in “situationships” where you’re waiting and hoping and trying for a specific someone to want you back just amplifies the loneliness of being single. 

[cwarscars]

*taps mic* hi hello good night! I'm here to talk about Magnar Valerio Heidegger because of course that is his canon name and I don't care what SE has to say about it. :) No, but really - I know I've said this in the past but Heid is an emotional muse for me and I'll do this again.

I don't think I was prepared for how much you made me care for him - it's fair that the remake made him more than a lil pixel in a green coat and thick beard, but I had no feelings or thoughts for Heid until I met you. I remember being a weird choice of a muse - Reeve and Scarlet (even Hojo with the yucky factor) were such popular directors, why would someone pick Heidegger?

All I can say is that I'm glad you did it because HOLY FUCK. I remember reading through this incredibly long and detailed bio and just... Fully seeing Heidegger as a fully-fleshed character. The abuse at the hands of the father he failed to recognize as such; the intense pressure to succeed and to please him nonetheless; the marriage that ended in heartbreak with two daughters he didn't spend nearly enough time with; the worship of Shinra Sr.; his views on world politics and how he so clearly sees himself as a man with the guts to do what needs to be done to achieve results.

With your writing, I just went from someone who largely ignored him to someone who frankly adores the character. There is just so MUCH room for growth, complicated themes to work with and you just turned him into this layered, complex asshole I love? That Melissa would definitely marry no matter the verse? I just cannot get enough of how much history you've given him, how plausible it all sounds and the fact that you write a villain we can relate/understand his reasoning without ever woobifying him.

You are THE Heidegger writer to me and I'm forever amazed and wowed by your headcanons and super well detailed posts. It all tracks to the OG or the remake in some way and it's just so good I forget it's not canon. Or fuck that - you're better than canon. PLUS Heidegger gave me you and 3 years later (3 years??? omg) we're here and having fun and I will never not love the husbando for it.

You're amazing and your Heidegger is a work of art. *mic drop*

hey…how’s my portrayal? ♡

(( MARI. WHAT THE FUCK ----

i legit saw the start of this and thought 'ooohhhh, a nice tasty lil ask for heidegger & mel to have sexy times in' AND THEN I KEPT READING AND I WAS LIKE 'WAIT A SECOND'. you know something, i'm not much of an emotional bear - i think we both know this because i have n e r v e s of s t e e l but...this got my eyes damp? like, what the hell???

i feel emotional reading this, it's like how i mentioned to light; it feels good to have been given the platform and supported by you guys in writing heid. like, i feel as though these headcanons and storylines and stuff come out because of you guys. i sometimes feel so embarrassed by my love of this guy because he isn't cloud or sephiroth or even one of the lesser but still popular characters (ala rufus or tseng). like, who the hell would like heidegger? haha. well, me apparently :P

but it feels great because i get this support and this validation by people like yourself. you just DIVEBOMB into my inbox with this absolute love letter of goodness and it honestly has me feeling so warm and fuzzy. ive been so down these last few weeks just due to various bits and pieces and you know, when you reach a stage where you can't even cry* because you feel so shit? well, now i'm sat here with lil happy tears beading in the corners of my eyes - like, bruh- you did that, i love you for it.

of course - i can't just fawn on how much i love you and how sweet you are, mari. because our friendship is special and i'm so forever grateful to have started to write with you that one day and i'm so glad that everything from there has happened and we've always stayed in touch but like -

melissa. you KNOW i wouldn't have half the characterisation of heid if it wasn't for her. that initial meeting - the INITIAL plots we had with the blackmail and stuff before these two coconuts fell in love. their son and retirement to costa del sol. remember the bitchy neighbour that mel HATED? edlyn and dwayna befriending mel and mel restoring their relationship with their father? all of the smut and all of the wonderful things we've written together? mari, you're such a special writing partner to have. you're one in a million. your girl is the best and i (and my lil collection of men) will forever love her. i don't even need to tell you how much i adore your writing because you know i could read a novel of your works. please write mel into a book, i NEED

my final thing i wanna say is just -

suns out, guns out - i love them and i love you ♡♡♡♡

[bluetomorrows]

Going Through My Movies Part 8: An Elephant Sitting Still (2018)

Heavy, heavy trigger warning here. This post will contain extensive discussions of suicide and depression.

This might be the most difficult movie I've ever watched. In a way it is a suicide note. And this is coming from someone who's been there, that's what it feels like.

The philosophy of the world of AESS is that the world is static. Things are terrible, and they will be terrible forever. You cannot change it, and you cannot run from it. It is the same all over the world. Trying to find a better life down a different path is a futile endeavor, that will just lead to disappointment and more heartbreak. The best thing you can do is not run away, just accept that your sadness cannot be escaped, and don't waste your energy trying something else.

The best thing you can be in this world, is an elephant sitting still.

Let me be clear. This is a really good movie. It is shot beautifully, it is acted well, the direction is superb, and the script is a goddamn masterclass. It is probably one of the best directorial debuts I've ever seen. I think Hu Bo could have gone down as one of the best directors of all time if he hadn't cut his potential off.

I'm surprised that the conclusion a man about to kill himself came to was that you should sit still. I half expected the elephant to die at the end.

I think that's the problem with reviewing this film. It is fucking fantastic, but I don't know if I can condone it. "Everything is terrible and nothing will change, you should just fucking kill yourself". I don't feel comfortable giving that 5 stars.

But at the same time, this is still a fucking amazing piece of cinema. It's practically all long shots. It doesn't want to cut and bring attention to the fact that it's a movie. It wants to feel as real as possible. And oh god the story here. Absolute genius. There are essentially 4 main characters, all with their own semi-related stories. And the way each story weaves through the general world and atmosphere and through the other stories is amazing. When they all come together at the end it does feel like a payoff to 3 hours of setup, but it also just feels like the totally natural direction each story would take.

Each character is so complex and you learn to care about them so much. Even characters you would expect to be one-dimensional aren't. There's a character here who is the head of a local gang. He believes in his heart that every single person on earth sucks. They're all bad. So he doesn't really care about much. He causes a suicide, he's an asshole to one of the characters because she won't have sex with him, and he hunts down another character because he accidentally hurt his brother.

AND HE'S LIKE THE COOLEST GUY.

Like you know he isn't a good person, but god you are so fucking invested in what he does next. This is partly because of the stellar performance of Yu Zhang, and also just cause he's written so well that you manage to make that character incredibly interesting and a little sympathetic.

This is a great movie. I could talk for hours about how practically every character is perfect and how it's an incredibly dense and genius piece of storytelling. But should an artistic cinematic suicide note be held up like this? As someone who has been close to death multiple times, I cannot feel right condoning the message of this movie. I don't want to believe it. It's unhealthy to believe it.

If you want to see something perfectly replicate the empty feeling of being actively suicidal, then check out An Elephant Sitting Still.

If that is something you want.

Goddamn, this thing destroyed me. Cool soundtrack though.

I made a mistake in my Jodorowsky's Dune post when I said the Blu-Ray after Jodorowsky's Dune was All Monsters Attack, it is actually FLCL: The Complete Series. I have not started this one, but I think it's only like 5 or 6 episodes so I should be fine. Hope this is a much lighter watch

[lokiondisneyplus]

Variants. Time Keepers. Apocalypses. Alligators. Jet Skis. Over the course of Season 1 of Marvel Studios’ Loki, the God of Mischief has seen and done it all across the Sacred Timeline. But now at the end of time — literally, Loki has arrived at the Citadel at the End of Time, accompanied by Sylvie — only one question remains: Has this journey changed Loki? It’s even a question He Who Remains poses, reminding the duo that they can’t reach the end until they’ve seen a change: “It needs to happen, to get us all in the right mindset to finish the quest.”

For a trickster who has always been so focused on his wants and needs, it’s safe to say that Loki’s time working for the Time Variance Authority (and then trying to take down the TVA) has certainly shaped him in ways we haven’t seen before. Gone is the Asgardian who commanded people to kneel before him; now, for the first time, we’re seeing a softer side to Loki as he realizes that his choices have consequences and he’s in charge of his own destiny — no one else. Going all the way back to the very beginning of Episode 1, as Loki stands before Judge Renslayer at the TVA, he yells that no one else will dictate how his story ends, and he’s finally doing just that.

“Loki, as a show, has introduced so many complex ideas, and themes, and conversations,” Tom Hiddleston tells Marvel.com. “One of the things I've been so pleased and thrilled to see with the show is how deeply the audience is engaged with the big ideas, the ideas of fate versus free will, agency versus determinism. Do we have the capacity to genuinely choose our path through our lives? And in those choices, where do we derive meaning? To what extent are any of us free? To what extent are these characters free to choose their route through the universe and self-realize and determine the course of their lives?”

Loki didn’t change completely on his own, though, as everyone he encounters throughout all six episodes influences him in ways he never could have predicted, from his surprising friendship with Mobius to Classic Loki reclaiming his “glorious purpose.”

“People latched onto the relationship between Loki and Mobius, and understood that there was a mirror in the two of them,” Hiddleston says. “Both Mobius and Loki had a lot to teach each other. Mobius opens up Loki’s sense of his own identity and that this might be something that's malleable. And then Sylvie opens up something in Loki about the nature of identity. And that Loki is able to then reflect back to Mobius.”

“In Episode 5, suddenly, the conversations the three of them have had [cause] an effect on the variant Lokis — on Classic Loki, on Kid Loki, on Boastful Loki. I like to think on Alligator Loki, too. Maybe he starts to think about free will.”

This all comes to a head when Loki and Sylvie have the most important conversation of all, with He Who Remains. Standing before this man behind the curtain, He Who Remains lays out his entire philosophy, the reason behind the TVA and all the smoke and mirrors. It’s to protect the Sacred Timeline from his own variants.

“This conversation between the three of them about the nature of reality, about the nature of time, about the nature of the multiverse, and the question about whether the TVA organization has any moral authority to determine reality as we see it,” Hiddleston continues. “There's an enormous amount to unpack, an enormous amount to think about, and it provokes as many questions as it provides answers.”

Loki, having gained a new perspective, wants to stop and think about what he’s just learned since it’s heavy. Sylvie, on the other hand, believes “he’s stalling for time and that it’s another manipulation. She feels is on the precipice of some catharsis,” adds Hiddleston. The two come to a disagreement where they both believe they’re the one in the right. Loki wants to weigh the options of He Who Remains’ proposal, and Sylvie just wants this puppet-master dead.

“It’s incredibly distressing for both of them that they disagree in this moment,” Hiddleston says. “It was quite an intense scene for us. We knew we had to be quite precise about the way the scene unfolded.”

Not only are they verbally arguing, but soon both have their weapons at the ready and are trading blows back and forth. (Something He Who Remains giddily watches from the sidelines.)

This finale was the last thing shot for the season, with Jonathan Majors joining the cast, as He Who Remains, for the last week they were in production. From there, it was time to dive into the trio’s conversation and how it caps off all the themes leading up to this point — identity, free will, and accepting yourself, to name a few.

“Right up to the time of the few days in which we filmed it, we were refining the dialogue between Loki and Sylvie because we needed to make sure that there was a balance,” Hiddleston recalls. “Both their positions [needed to be] articulated, and the audience could see the struggle. We worked all weekend to make sure we integrated the scene with the choreography so that it was completely seamless. The disagreement was at the center of all of it, and every word and every move.”

Unfortunately, the two just can’t see eye to eye on the situation — as He Who Remains points out, Sylvie can’t trust and Loki can’t be trusted. Hiddleston even notes, “At the center of Loki’s identity, certainly for as long as I’ve played him, is untrustworthiness. He’s unpredictable and spontaneous.”

But now, with a tearful confession to Sylvie, Loki’s newly changed outlook shines through as he takes everything he’s learned over the course of the series and tries to reason with her. But, “it’s heartbreaking pain because she’s not on the same page.”

“The confession in Episode 6 reveals how much he’s evolved. Sylvie believes Loki’s position comes from the same old motivation to sit on a throne. But it doesn’t. It comes from genuine care for another being outside of himself. It speaks to a theme that was very close to all of our hearts as filmmakers, which was about self-confrontation, and self-awareness, and self-forgiveness, and self-acceptance in some way. That the only way of moving forward is to acknowledge who you are. And then change can begin.”

Making matters worse, Sylvie isn’t the only familiar face Loki loses in the end. Though he ends up back within the halls of the TVA, this isn’t the TVA he left. The choices Loki and Sylvie made at the Citadel at the End of Time are already breeding consequences, one of which is that “his friend Mobius doesn’t recognize him and doesn’t know who he is. His destabilization in that moment is profound.”

Loki and Mobius’ friendship has been a touchstone for the series, and according to Hiddleston, as the show was being developed, their relationship was “one of the things I was drawn to.”

“I’m very moved by the idea of their friendship,” he continues. “I don’t think Loki has allowed himself to have many friends. Because to have friends, you have to be vulnerable, and you have to trust. Loki’s so defensive, vulnerability and trust, those two things don’t come easily to him. Mobius is perhaps the first figure in Loki’s life to sit across from him and reflect him back to himself without judgment, but somehow with compassion.”

“Mobius is able to contain Loki and say, ‘This is who you are. And I understand.’ That feeling of compassion or lack of judgment is new for Loki, and allows him to open up in a way that facilitates the genesis of this unique friendship. Mobius also is surprised by his affection for Loki. And then it’s Loki who teaches Mobius about life outside the TVA, life before the TVA. Maybe he had a life. Maybe he had a family. Maybe he had a jet ski. They mean a lot to each other, and they’ve done a lot for each other.”

With a new Mobius now in the mix, this means that the pair’s parting goodbye in Episode 5 was their final farewell, when “Mobius offers his hand; Loki chooses to hug him and he says, ‘Thank you, my friend.’ That’s very sincere and very meaningful.”

What’s a trickster to do when he finds himself in an unfamiliar place surrounded by people he used to know? That remains to be seen, as the season ends before those questions are answered, laying the complex groundwork for Season 2 and the lingering unanswered TVA questions.

“What’s been fascinating for me making it, and continues to be one of the most interesting questions of our story, is the moral complexity of the TVA,” Hiddleston concludes. “The idea that an organization that claims to govern the order of time with benevolence and precision is actually something much more ambiguous. And there's a question: On what authority does the TVA, or anyone who has set it up or runs it, decide who gets to live and who doesn't, who gets to participate in reality as we know it?”

[sadclearance]

M!reader and hanta sero! toxic toxic manipulative reunion after breakup

how the #26 hero made headlines with his sex tape

pairing: hanta sero x male manipulative reader

summary: hanta sero and y/n meet again after their sex tape is leaked.

warning: sex tape (sero fucking you), manipulative and toxic behavior, implied/referenced past cheating, suicide attemptish, implied/referenced revenge porn

category: angst(?), fluff(?) idrk 

word count: 4300

"and then the fucking cashier asked to take a picture!" katsuki bakugo seethed. "i just wanted to get my damn groceries, but everyone's so damn nosy!"

"at least they asked?" mina ashido said, her voice pitched at the end, making it sound more like a question than a statement.

"don't even get me started on the fucking stalkers that don't ask," bakugo growled.

"i don't know how you can live like that," hanta sero laughed at bakugo's misery. "sounds terrible."

is this karma for being amused by bakugo's misfortunes?

the day immediately after, sero is scanning his items after getting everything he needs from the grocery store when the cashier stares at him with wide eyes, glancing between him and the phone in their hand.

"are you cellophane?"

is this what having fans feels like? it's kind of flattering but also annoying that he's being called his hero name during his off time.

"oh, yeah," sero responds with a light laugh, trying to stay polite.

he expects them to ask for a picture or maybe an autograph. what he doesn't expect is snickering.

he vaguely remembers how denki kaminari described being recognized in public for the first time. he was met with taunts from a group of students because a video of him short circuiting had just gone viral.

sero's quirk doesn't even have any drawbacks similar to short circuiting, so he can't think of a possible reason why his cashier would be laughing at him.

he ignores it and finishes checking out because he doesn't want to ask what's wrong with the other person.

when he gets back to his apartment complex, he checks his mail. there's a few bills and postcards from old friends.

the guy next to him bursts out laughing.

he closes his mailbox and gives him a questioning look. that just made it two people that have laughed at him in the past thirty minutes. what's going on?

"you're cellophane, right?"

"uh, yeah?" sero says, completely confused.

"just don't be too loud in this building," the guy says, apparently cracking himself up.

sero is still puzzled. he's been the perfect tenant. the loudest noise that's ever come from his apartment was the merciless explosions from bakugo directed toward kaminari after a particularly bad joke, but that happened two years ago. ever since then, the most that could be heard was maybe kaminari's laughter, but sero doubts that that was even that loud.

when he reaches his floor and opens the door of his apartment, he's greeted with his friends on the couch.

"oh, hey," sero says, shutting the front door with his foot and going toward the kitchen to start organizing his groceries. "i told you guys to start warning me before you come. do i have to start hiding my spare key?"

"we know what you're doing, sero," ashido frowns.

okay, something's up. the pink hero isn't using her normal teasing or upbeat tone, and the television isn't even on.

"what?" sero looks at her with the same expression he wore toward the guy who told him not to be too loud.

"you did this last time, bro," eijiro kirishima gives a disapproving look. "i thought we made it clear back then that we're here for you."

what is kirishima going on about? "last time"? well, sero knows what he's talking about because of the whole "here for you" part. of course he remembers. it was a prominent part of his life because it only happened once, during a time in his life he remembers too well.

see, sero is an easy-going guy. out of everybody in the group, he's probably the most stable.

i mean, ashido is a party animal that drags the group out to upbeat bars at least once a month even when she would do a hundred things she'd regret the next morning. it's not like they didn't like doing it, but she definitely needed supervision.

then, there's kaminari. he's an emotional mess, getting caught up in too many confusing flirty situations. each week, he would have a breakdown in the group chat. "so do you guys think me and x are really flirting? or is this like joke flirting?"

can't forget about kirishima. he's probably the second most stable, but he still has a lot of times where he needs reassurance and comfort.

last but definitely not least, bakugo--the emotionally constipated man who is only the tiniest bit better at communicating his emotions than he was in their first year together.

too long, didn't read: four out of five of the group needed someone to depend on at least once a month.

sero is the one person in their group that didn't necessarily need anybody. this isn't because he keeps shit to himself. he's just fortunate enough to not have any problems that aren't surface level. the most he has to deal with are minor inconveniences like running out of toilet paper, running into a villain on his off day, or getting puked on by ashido on a particularly wild night--nothing that emotionally tears him apart.

well, there was this one time about three years ago when he felt the worst that he ever had before. it was a terrible experience of heartbreak and self-hatred which is why he unfortunately remembers it so well. he kept it all to himself until his friends managed to eventually force it out of him, hence the "we're here for you".

but there is absolutely no reason for them to say "last time" as if it's happening again.

"what are you guys talking about? everyone's being so weird today."

"oh my god," kaminari's jaw falls. "do you seriously not know, or are you pretending like you're okay again?"

"not know what?" today is a day of questions, and he doesn't like it one bit.

"do you not check your fucking phone or something?" bakugo growls with annoyance and the slightest hint of shock. the slight gentleness of his volume gets sero incredibly worried.

"i haven't had time to. why? what's going on?"

the four look at each other, considering if they should enlighten sero on whatever it is.

when sero determines they're taking too long to decide, he takes out his phone from his pocket.

at first, he sees a bunch of text notifications from almost all of his old classmates and coworkers, all asking in various ways if he's okay.

he moves past them and searches up his hero name. what could be so bad that his friends expect him to go back to being as much of a concerning mess as he was the last time they spoke to him like this? he doubts that anything could make him as bad as he was after his breakup with his high school sweetheart.

oh... well, he can admit that seeing his name with a link from an adult video website being the top result and under "trending" doesn't make him feel that great, but he doesn't think that it's that bad.

"there's a video on pornhub with my name on it. is it like a really messed up cosplay of me or something?" sero asks, partially joking. "because if it is, i don't really care, guys. you don't have to worry about stuff like that. i know what it means to be known by the world, and that there are creeps out there that get off to--"

"shut the fuck up and watch the damn video," bakugo scowls.

"you want me to watch porn in front of you?" sero raises an eyebrow, slightly amused--a feeling that clearly isn't being reciprocated by any of the four that are staring at him.

"just watch it," kirishima sighs.

he clicks on it, even if he thinks it's a little weird that his friends want to watch him watch porn. maybe it's so bad that it's funny. he's expecting some weirdo to be wearing a poor version of his hero costume getting bukkaked or something weird like that.

all amusement leaves his body, and his confused smile drops.

it's not some weirdo wearing a knock off cellophane costume. he's greeted with a screen covered by him. wearing nothing.

it's not even the fact that his nude body is exposed on the internet to be shown to anybody and everybody that causes the pit in his stomach. it's because he recognizes the video. he knows what happens in it. he knows who's in it.

he doesn't stop watching as giggling from his phone fills the awkwardly silent room. soon enough, the nineteen year old sero in the video has a cock in his mouth, and his fingers are up the ass of the owner of said cock.

that's not even the worst part. the worst part is the next part, which is where sero from three years ago takes the camera, uses his quirk to tie his ex-love's wrists together, and fucks him while getting everything on camera, including a clear shot of his face.

he watches the entire thing, too frozen to do anything else.

in any other situation, his friends would be teasing the shit out of him. ashido would poke fun at how sero of all people made a sex tape, kaminari would make some stupid pun about how he made a sex tape, kirishima would try to be holding himself back from laughing at how sero used his quirk for such a purpose as tying his partner up for sex, and bakugo would probably call him something along the lines of "plain face cock-sucking bottom bitch", even though the next few scenes that follow show that he's clearly not the last part.

this isn't any other situation, though. this is a sex tape with the one person he fucked over so badly that he still stays up every night thinking about it--regretting it. sero thinks that the universe must think he's one big joke.

"sero?" kaminari asks when sero doesn't speak even after the video ends. it's an awkward situation, really, because as mentioned earlier, his friends just watched him watch himself suck a dick and then proceed to pound into the ass of their former classmate.

he's not nearly as mortified by that as he should be.

he's more mortified that this is trending on every single social platform, not even because he's a pro hero with the world currently looking at his naked body, but because he somehow managed to fuck up y/n's life more than he already had three years ago.

"i'm tired" is the excuse he decides on using as he walks toward his bedroom. "i'll talk to you guys later."

hesitantly, his friends show themselves out, which he's glad for because he really needs some time to process--and wallow--by himself.

sero lies in bed for a while, not sure what to do, before he finally pulls out his phone again and does something that only makes the pit of guilt in his stomach worsen.

DailyHero: Taping Hero: Cellophane and the Video That Everyone's Talking about

HeroWeekly: Cellophane--26th Ranking Hero, Everything We Know About His Video

HeroTribune: Cellophane's Shocking Video

it isn't just hero media networks that are talking about it, though.

CelebrityGossip: Plain Hero Plain No More

since when is he a celebrity? he would find that funny if he wasn't so abashed by today's events.

RecreationalChronicle: How the Tape Hero is Making HeadLines

it makes him slightly amused to think of how that's another one of the stupid puns kaminari would make if the situation wasn't so sensitive.

he clicks on the hero weekly one, which just so happens to be the number one news outlet for hero news. sero's kind of surprised that they said anything about it. they were known for keeping things profession based, and the title of the article frankly sounds like any other drama website. he might be flattered by hero weekly deeming his amateur sex tape important enough to dedicate a whole article to it if he wasn't so plagued with guilt still.

Cellophane--26th Ranking Hero, Everything We Know About His Video

Cellophane, real name Hanta Sero, is the 26th ranking hero in Japan today. This morning, an explicit video featuring him and another man was leaked onto the internet via an adult video website. The original source is unknown, but we can only assume that neither Cellophane or his featured partner was behind revealing this to the public eye.

From what we gather, this video was filmed roughly around or before the first assignment that brought Cellophane lots of recognition. By this time, he was nineteen years old and had graduated the prestigious U.A. Academy a year prior.

The identities in the video are very clear, as there are many clear shots of both participants' faces.

While the video itself is shocking to many, Cellophane's partner is what surprises us the most. Y/n L/n was a hero that graduated alongside Cellophane from U.A. Academy. He was famous for being so fresh out of high school, but after just one year of unbelievable success--around the same time the infamous video was recorded--he went completely off the grid. To this day, nobody has seen him since.

sero stops reading because he feels more shitty the more he reads. he knows what the article is talking about. y/n cut off almost everybody from u.a. after their breakup. his friends tried to assure him that it wasn't his fault, but it was an awful big coincidence that his abrupt disappearance happened the exact day of their breakup.

he wonders what y/n's up to nowadays. is he still in japan? is he still pursuing a heroic lifestyle? perhaps he's been doing what aizawa did. maybe he continues to fight crime, just minus the recognition and media time.

if y/n really is living a peaceful life right now, did sero just shatter that? the world had sort of forgotten he existed at all after a few months of his disappearance, so he probably would've gotten away with roaming the streets freely without being recognized. did sero just ruin that for him?

he needs to know. he needs to try to fix things, even if he knows he can't. he needs to... he needs to talk to him, even after all these years.

when sero asks kaminari to meet him alone, the electric hero's kind of nervous. last time, he was happy with the entirety of their friend group comforting him. why did he want some one-on-one time all of a sudden?

apparently, he was right to be nervous because what sero is asking of him is hard for him to do.

"hey," kaminari says with the best smile he can muster in his anxious state.

"hey," sero greets back, taking a sip of his hot coffee.

"thanks for buying," kaminari says, twirling the straw in his cup with his hand, the ice of the iced coffee moving and crashing together.

"no problem," sero nods.

"what's up?" kaminari asks, putting the tip of the straw that lays in between his fingers into his mouth to take a nice long taste of the sweet treat.

"i need to talk to y/n," sero says, looking down at the coffee between his two hands instead of up into kaminari's eyes.

"i--what?" kaminari asks, almost spitting out his drink.

"i know you still talk to him, and i know why you can't tell me how to find him, but--"

"sero," kaminari frowns at the frantic desperation in his friends voice. "it's not that i can't. i mean, i probably shouldn't, but... that's not why."

"then why?" sero's voice is pleading, but his eyes hold angry frustration.

"look, the thing is, i don't even talk to him that often," kaminari sighs. "we've talked maybe twice since you guys broke up. we're not the friends that we used to be before."

"i understand that there's boundaries that shouldn't be crossed, okay? believe me, i really do, but i really need a chance to talk to him again. if he tells me to go away, i swear i'll drop it. i'll leave him alone. please."

"i know, i know. i know you aren't a stalker ex. just..."

kaminari's lips tighten into a line, a habit he's picked up over the years whenever he's faced with any kind of decision--whether it be deciding what flavor of ice cream he should get, or, apparently, if he should let his best friend see the guy he broke the heart of.

"okay," kaminari hesitates.

"thank you! thank you thank you--"

"don't thank me yet," kaminari says with a weak shake of his head. "before you talk to him, i need you to know that he's not the same person you knew."

"i understand," sero nods. he doesn't expects his meeting with him to go well anyway. sure, he hopes it will, but he's mentally prepared himself for the worst outcome, which his brain has decided is for y/n to yell and start throwing things at him.

"i... i don't know how to put it, really, but the few times that we talked, he's sounded... weird. like creepy. i don't know, man," kaminari shudders at the thought, but sero's too caught up in his anxious excitement to really care.

"it's okay. i understand," sero repeats.

"if you're sure," kaminari pauses. "truth is, y/n wants to see you, too."

"really?" sero feels all too hopeful, and he can see the worry paint kaminari's face.

"i don't know if it's in a good way or not," kaminari says carefully. he doesn't want to hurt his friend, but he doesn't want to set him up for disappointment either.

"i'm not expecting anything," sero says, but his words aren't very convincing when there's a clear smile growing on his face.

"just be careful, bro." kaminari writes an address on a piece of paper.

"you don't have to worry about me," sero reassures with a smile.

as he wanders through the streets, he's shaky and nervous and scared and ecstatic and--just everything.

y/n wants to meet with him. the possibilities are endless, but at least he now knows he won't be turned away--at least not immediately.

he goes between riding in cabs to treading amongst the shadows on the street, changing whenever someone recognizes him from the trending news.

he endures long hours of stares and whispers, encouraging himself with the thought of being able to see y/n again soon, whether that be a good thing or not.

"fiftieth floor of paragon hotel..." sero mutters to himself as he presses on the cold metal button. lots of questions come to mind, like where will y/n be? he didn't get a room number with the address. how will y/n react? will he stay civil? will he give him a chance to explain himself? did he only want sero to come so he could vent out his anger and frustrations?

when the elevator doors open, he sees a single door.

he hesitantly turns the knob until he's hit with a cold breeze from the night air.

oh.

it's the roof.

his brain's new worst conclusion is that y/n's going to push him off, but he's more okay with that than he should be. he has a quirk that can save him even if that happens, and if anything, he thinks it'll help him feel a little less guilty about everything he's done to make y/n's life more shitty.

"y/n," he calls out softly when he sees y/n just standing there, looking up at the big white moon in the sky.

nothing's really changed. his appearance isn't much different from the last time they saw each other, and sero's still enamored by how the stars above could never compare to the bright light that is y/n.

but that's not something he should be thinking about right now. his head shouldn't be filled with hopeful thoughts.

the object of his love to this day turns around upon hearing his name.

"sero," he greets with a smile. "you made it."

"yeah. i did," sero hesitantly steps closer to y/n. "listen, y/n, i'm..."

fuck. why is that the only thing he can get out of his mouth? he has so much to say--he's been thinking about it every night for the past three years--every hour for the past few days. so why is his mind blank now of all times?

"how're things with... i can't even remember her name," y/n laughs a little, and sero frowns. he doesn't know why he's laughing about the mistake that's been haunting him forever, but he swallows down those feelings. people grieve differently, and if anybody had a right to how they react to that night, it's y/n.

"i'm sorry," sero finally manages out. "she... i haven't talked to her since then. she's not a part of my life."

a casual "weird" is y/n's only comment before he turns back to look at the moon.

"you know... you know she never meant anything, right? we were--"

"'we were drunk, and i was lonely, but that's not an excuse, but she meant nothing, and you're the only one i want'," y/n finishes for him.

sero's heart sinks. has he been playing that night over and over in his head, too? has it been hurting him all this time as well?

"i remember." y/n's smile is still there, albeit more grim, and it unsettles sero.

"yeah..." and sero doesn't know what else to say because apparently, after years of mulling it over in his head, he hasn't come up with anything better than his initial rambles of regret. though, he still has something else to apologize for-- "i'm sorry. i swear it wasn't me who leaked it. i deleted--or at least i thought i deleted my copy years ago. maybe i didn't do it right. i don't know. i can't imagine how hard this must be for you. god, i'm so sorry. i managed to ruin everything all over again a whole three--"

"sero," y/n interrupts, sitting on the low ledge, eyes still on the sky.

"yeah?" sero swallows thickly at how desperate he sounds. he hates how messy his words are--hates how they pour out sounding so slow and stupid.

"do you love me?" y/n asks.

"what?" sero completely blanks. did he hear him right?

"do you love me?" y/n repeats, fully turning his body to him.

"yes." he doesn't hesitate for even a second, even though he wonders why he's asking that question at such an inappropriate time, because he has no doubt in his mind that he loves y/n and has since the moment they met.

"i don't believe you," y/n smiles as he stands up on the platform.

"what are you doing?" sero asks obliviously.

"what i should have done all those years ago," y/n smiles big, and it scares sero a little. "if you really love me... then you would catch me."

sero barely has time to process what he said before y/n lets himself freefall backwards.

sero's brain hadn't even considered that this would be one of the possible outcomes.

"y/n!" sero screams as he runs toward the ledge. he panics as he watches y/n's body get smaller and smaller the more he falls. he rips off his civilian long sleeve, shoots out his tape to stick onto the floor, before throwing himself off to go after him.

he uses his free elbow to launch his tape at y/n, knowing his own body wouldn't be able to get to him fast enough.

he wants to let out a sigh of relief when he sees that y/n's dangling by the white line rather than falling, but he knows from past experience with hero work that they're not completely safe just yet.

pulling himself up with the clear film he had luckily had the brains to think of placing first, he makes it back onto the roof of the building, slowly pulling his other elbow to haul y/n's body up as well.

"are you fucking crazy?!" he raises his voice for the first time in a long time. he doesn't think he's ever felt this angry and frustrated and mortified in his entire life.

y/n doesn't bother unwrapping himself from the tape as he uses a hand to pull sero's face close, kissing him softly.

and sero can't help but melt, which is the opposite of what he should probably be doing. a simple kiss shouldn't be able to pacify him with a situation like this at hand, but it does.

"you love me," y/n smiles when he pulls away just enough to feel the harsh pants coming from sero--the result of both the terrifying moment he just had to experience and his reaction to kissing y/n again.

"i do," sero nods eagerly, and shit, those aren't the words that are supposed to leave his mouth right now. he's supposed to ask what the hell is wrong with y/n. he's supposed to ask why he would do that. he's supposed to curse and swear and--anything but act like it's all okay.

"you love me," y/n says again before pulling him in for another kiss.

when sero puts his arms around y/n's waist and pulls his body as close as possible to his, he feels the buzz of y/n's phone.

"do you--do you need to get that?" sero asks as he reluctantly pulls away, sounding like a whiny child.

"i'm sure it's nothing important," y/n says before throwing his phone off of the roof, and sero pulls him back hungrily, because as strange as that action was, sero can't bring himself to care when the love of his life is back in his arms after three long years.

[12:39am] reporter to y/n: i got myself a promotion! been an honor working with you. again, thank you so much for selling it to me.

-ˋˏ✄┈┈┈┈┈┈┈┈┈┈┈┈┈

a/n;

i wrote part of this in may last year because i thought the title was funny then i didn't know how to end it but then i got this sero request so

not proofread but when is it ever

[c-jay321]

I find very odd how a part of the fandom tends to and tries to justify Six’s decision of dropping Mono, not by trying explaining why she did what she did, but rather by trying to find an excuses for her in order to make her choice seem less cruel.

The most popular theories are the ones which says she somehow knew that Mono was the The Thin man, or that it was because she didn’t wanted to kill Mono due to her hunger. (I share the same sentiment with you in that none of this theories made much sense)

And recently there has been some fans who even try to shift the blame of her decision into Mono, saying things like:

“Well Mono didn’t save her and he cowered in fear when the Thin man abducted her, he put her in danger first, so it’s his fault”

Or even asking things like “Mono had a savior complex, did he ever really cared about Six?” (he didn’t had a savior complex, he was just a little kid who tried to protect his friend in a very cruel world)

And it’s weird because people try to justify Six’s actions due to her circumstances, yet couldn’t the same be said for Mono? Why not extend that same sympathy towards him as well?

He couldn’t save six because the thin man’s transmissions were producing him headaches and he was also a scared little kid, who at the given time couldn’t possibly have had confronted the Thin man on his own and still he fought teeth and nails in order to rescue his friend.

Both were kids who made mistakes, but it never sat well with me how the fandom tried to shift the blame of Six’s decision towards Mono.

And to be fair I also fall under that part of the fandom, I also find myself trying to rationalize and find an explanation or even an excuse for Six’s betrayal.

And at the end of the day, both of them were just two little kids who found each other on a very cruel world and due to circumstances and mistakes out of their control they ended up losing each other, it’s incredibly sad.

And I am sure that Mono not only did cared about Six, but Six also cared about him as well.

I think everything that ended up happening at the end of the game happened because of the events that took place inside the signal tower, Six most likely didn’t wanted to be taken out of the tower and her perspective of the events might have been very different than ours and to an extend different than Mono’s , yet with all said it wasn’t Mono’s fault and Six betrayal was indeed very cruel and heartbreaking

Most of what you said is stuff I already agree with but yeah! I don't get why people try to justify Six's actions so much? I love Six as much as the next guy but to even try to defend her dropping Mono is ridiculous, no amount of looking into different perspectives will change the fact that dropping Mono to his death (because she honestly dropped him to KILL him) was okay.

I get why Six was angry, I really do understand. She's a morally gray kid, she doesn't see anything wrong with killing. To her, survival is everything and she will always put herself first no matter what.

Mono breaking the little trust she had in him by repeatedly smashing her music box and putting her into excruciating pain was enough to make her decide that she wanted him dead.

That DOES NOT MEAN SHE SHOULD'VE DROPPED HIM GOD DAMN IT, NO AMOUNT OF EXCUSES AND SHITTY HUNGER/SHE KNEW HE WAS THE THE THIN MAN THEORIES CAN OR WILL JUSTIFY THIS!!!

It's absolutely stupid how anyone would think that Mono has a hero complex and he only saved Six to fit his ego because the hell he went through to get his buddy back isn't something you'd do if you didn't care.

[lambourngb]

“It was supposed to be a regular, boring morning shower”

First line tag

A million years ago, an anon sent me this ask for the first line meme. I woke up possessed and wrote “stuck in gravity, clawing for some bravery” in 10 days.  This story is complete, 23,000 words. I put the first two chapters up on AO3 early in honor of the news of our show coming back. The rest goes up tomorrow.

beta thanks to the wonderful @tasyfa

Pairing: Michael Guerin/Alex Manes, Alex Manes/Forrest Long, Michael Guerin/Maria Deluca (past) Kyle Valenti/Maria Deluca (implied/mentioned)

Tags: Starts Forlex ends in Malex, Getting back together, Nebulous Season 3, Angst,  Pining, Alien Soulmate Bullshit, Emotional Infidelity, Communication, Emotional Hurt/Comforot,  Explicit Sexual Content, Dirty Talk , Telepathy, Handprint Sex

Summary: A year after Crashcon, Michael knows three things for certain. 

1. He loves Alex and he probably definitely always will.

2. Having Alex as his best friend makes everything in his life better.

3. Knowing, thanks to his bullshit alien biology, that Alex still fantasizes about his body regularly while dating someone else for a year, well, that is a little more difficult to navigate. 

It’s fine. It is all just fine. 

Author Notes: This content is probably not appropriate for review by a college writing class on tumblr, just saying but you’re welcome to leave a kudo if you like it. 

*****

It was supposed to be a regular, boring morning shower for Michael. 

His first Sunday off in over three months deserved a little self-care, he had decided. The summer had brought an abrupt uptick in work at the garage with increased summertime driving leading to more careless accidents and stranded motorists to tow to safety. While Walt would deny it to the end, Michael couldn’t help but notice the old man had slowed down in his work. Between doing his best to keep Sanders’ in business and taking shifts at the Crashdown to fill in for the still-absent Liz so Arturo and Rosa could have their own break, taking the time for more than a perfunctory late night wash down felt luxurious to Michael.

There was a point to staying busy, with filling every hour inside an engine or on a different project around the junkyard with his trailer and that point was distraction. Distraction from the awareness that everyone was thriving. Max and his new-found ‘cousin’ Jones were reconstructing the history of their people’s language and literature together. Isobel had recently celebrated her three-month anniversary with Monica, an artist who shared the same studio space as Rosa. Maria had made exploring her alien-rooted abilities the focus of her life outside of the bar, combining her knowledge of yoga and meditation to crack the ability of moving forward in time. With that success, she had managed to bring back the answer to saving her brain from damage from the future. Her work with Kyle in developing the treatment for her and Mimi had led a new romance there. Then there was Alex, the true focus of Michael’s need for distraction, marking a one-year anniversary with Forrest. 

It was fine. All Michael had ever wanted was for Alex to be happy. The distractions he had filled his life with helped soothe the edges of knowing who was at the root of Alex’s new-found peace.

In the last year, Michael had built a permanent wooden deck out in front of his Airstream, transforming his fire pit into an outdoor brick barbecue oven, before moving on to recycle discarded auto glass into window panes for a small greenhouse complete with a rainwater cistern off the rear of the trailer. The actual interior boasted its own changes, an expanded shower stall and more of a kitchen set up than a hotplate and kettle with a small split-level stove and expanded countertop. The next task was building a canopy to shield the deck from the elements. At some point, Michael had acknowledged to himself that each piece he had worked on had turned his portable, transient can-go-anywhere Airstream into a stable fixture at Sanders’. 

A home with roots. 

A home without Alex and he had accepted that, respecting Alex’s choice of partner. They were the right people for each other, but were always meeting at the wrong time. For a while, he had waited patiently for things to end with Forrest. He had been happy enough to work on being Alex’s friend in the meantime. Then, once they were truly friends sharing every stupid moment of their days via a text message or over a beer at his trailer, he had felt the betrayal of his selfish thoughts keenly. What kind of friend would root for a break-up? What kind of friend would wish heartbreak on the other?

The asshole kind, he had concluded. 

As the hot water from the shower head poured over his head though, the acceptance he had about Alex moving on was just a little farther from his reach because Alex was currently thinking about him. They weren’t platonic friend-thoughts either.

A ghost sensation of a hand skirted down Michael’s body, lingering over his chest hair, and fuck, Alex had really loved to card his fingers through it. His mind was awash with impulses not his own, hot anticipation and the thrill of pleasure dropped down his body like the free-falling crest of a rollercoaster. Michael closed his eyes, soaking in the feelings. A gasp escaped his mouth, heard by no one in his trailer. Good God, Alex was really ready, waking with morning wood or to someone — Wrapping his own hand around his hardening cock, Michael stroked himself in time with Alex’s thoughts, pushing aside his own. It was best to just give into temptation and enjoy the moment. 

It was something he had learned to embrace with varying degrees of eagerness over the last few years. 

The connection with Alex had formed apparently sometime after the shed, but it had taken him over ten years and Alex moving back to Roswell to realize what was going on between them. The summer they had turned eighteen, they had barely been able to keep their hands off each other in the desert, and when Michael was alone, all he could think about back then, was Alex. His head had been a complex swirl of emotion, slingshotting him from the highs of seeing Alex to the lows of facing his own aborted future. There was the longing for Alex, the sadness that he knew their time was limited because Alex was going to go places, and he was stuck in Roswell watching over Isobel, but in the background, of what he thought was a relic from Jesse’s attack, was always a sense of sick fear, of being caught. Again.

Then over the last ten years, Michael would experience this awareness, and suddenly all he could think about was Alex. How it felt to touch him, the wickedness of his mouth, the burn and the stretch to accept Alex’s cock as he took him inside with a bitten lip- Michael thought it was just his mind, giving him a touchstone to happiness and the remembrance of being loved briefly by Alex. Nostalgia. Afterwards as he caught his breath, with his chest splattered with come, the sadness would seep in again, stealing whatever light that was made by those memories.

It wasn’t until after the drive-in, when Alex had spent almost two months avoiding him in person, that Michael had realized that those moments, late at night or early in the morning, were tied to Alex. It took falling into his bed one night, after visiting Isobel in her pod to finally piece it together. His face had hurt from crying on the drive home and the urge to sleep and never wake up again had been so incredibly strong that it took a moment for him to realize he was thinking about Alex. His cock hadn’t even been on his radar, but suddenly all he could think about was getting sucked off. 

Fuck, he hadn’t wanted it then, too sad and scared about Isobel to feel much connection to his body for the purposes of pleasure, but the sensations and feelings that had overtaken Michael were too intense to fight that night. Later as he panted, open-mouthed and staring at the ceiling of his Airstream with distant thoughts of cleaning up, his phone rang once. Only the once. Then a ding of a text.

Alex -is home: Sorry pocket dialed.

The rush of self-loathing that hit Michael as he read the message had been so strong he had dropped the phone on the floor of the trailer. That’s when he knew it wasn’t his feelings in his head because in all the years of knowing Alex, of loving Alex, he had never once felt disgust toward himself for his feelings for Alex. From the moment across a borrowed guitar, Michael had accepted the tilt of his axis toward Alex Manes as a fundamental fact, like force equalling mass times acceleration.

Alex hadn’t shared that comfort, and the more Michael tuned into what was going on in Alex’s head, the more his heart broke. Two things became clear to Michael over time; the occurrences were sporadic enough for him to know that he only felt them when Alex was specifically thinking about Michael when he jerked off, and the post-orgasm feelings of disgust and self-loathing were not isolated incidents for Alex to feel afterwards.

“Sometimes things end in a whimper, Guerin-” and Michael had numbly accepted that as proof that while Alex might enjoy thinking about his body, about the ways he had pleasured Alex in the past, Alex had no desire for anything more from Michael. The sex was epic, fodder for a late night fantasy, but Michael himself? He was not someone that Alex wanted to want. 

He had changed Alex’s name in his phone from “Alex -is home” to “Alex -is a bad idea” after that and then cursed himself for the trick of alien biology, doomed to be forever aware that he was an example of backsliding to Alex. When Maria had reached for him that night in Texas, he had welcomed her because she seemed at least self-aware of the fact she didn’t want to want him. There was zero chance of a misunderstanding between them that night, even as he kicked himself for still following after people who swore to him that it would never happen again.

For a long time after Caulfield, he had thought perhaps the grief of losing his mother had broken the link with Alex, setting them both free in the wreckage and dust of the prison. The dying psychic screams of his people had rolled over him, scorching his thoughts into cinders as that last connection to love and hope burned out in his mind, his mother’s life extinguishing under the thunder of Semtex and C-4. Then one night shortly after moving his trailer to the Wild Pony, it had happened again. The same overwhelming feeling of need, of longing, but this time the self-loathing afterwards had been accompanied by a crippling feeling of guilt. He had laid there in the twilight of the Wild Pony’s loft, having silently come into his palm while the sound of Maria’s breathing brushed against his ear. For the first time, he had joined Alex in that feeling of self-hatred. 

It was past the time for him to flip the switch from ‘tortured lust’ to some semblance of friendship with Alex, if he could and so tentatively, he agreed to work on uncovering his mother’s past together with him. He updated his phone again with that decision in mind to “Alex -sup bro”.

After Maria had learned the truth about Rosa and sent him away with betrayed eyes, he experienced a moment of weakness for Alex after the visit they had made to the Long Farm. There had been a lightness in how Alex had moved that day, his steps had been considered but committed as they had explored the last place his mother had felt at home on earth. Inside of Michael’s heart, he had been able to feel the pieces moving together while he had stood in a place where Nora had had a family, next to a man who had always represented that promise to Michael. The openness of Alex’s smile as they had waited for Forrest Long to reappear had had Michael thinking dangerous thoughts again about a future with him.

What if.  What if Alex were ready to take a step toward him without the weight of the past? 

That tenuous hope had lasted until the night after Alex had given him the piece of the ship’s console. Standing in his bunker near two am, he had been examining the new piece of his ship, of his past, puzzling over why it wasn’t bonding with the rest of the console when he had felt the awareness of Alex creep into his cells, into his DNA. Eagerly he had opened his jeans with both hands and had fisted his cock, letting himself go with the pull of Alex’s desire. In the aftermath, he had found himself on the floor of the bunker, with come dripping off a fallen drawing of a ship’s engine, but near tears with the knowledge that nothing had changed for Alex. It had still been the same fear flooding his veins, still the same anchor of tortured longing and deep shame weighing his limbs down even as he had been left wrecked by how good his body had felt.

It had been madness for Michael the next few months as he had fallen in deeper with Maria, while the connection with Alex had kept tugging at his soul. There had been little rhyme or reason to when it had happened. Weeks would pass where he apparently hadn’t crossed Alex’s mind once, and then there had been a week when every night Michael had been hit with the same mix of love, lust and bottomless need. Thankfully it had matched with the week-long retreat Maria and Mimi had taken together, saving Michael the work of explaining to her why he was wearing out the washing machines at the Fluff N Fold with his dirty sheets.

The self-torment Alex had felt about him had slowly lifted, to the point when Michael had found out the truth about Walt Sanders, he had called Alex without hesitation. The contact in his phone had changed to ‘Alex- best bro’. If he had finally become a measure of comfort for Alex to remember in his most personal moments, then perhaps Alex could also become a comfort to him, without the mire of their trauma holding them frozen in place. 

He had been fooling himself completely in the aftermath of Alex’s abduction that friendship would ever be enough for him. The wounds from his breakup with Maria had still been bleeding below his skin when he had stepped into the Wild Pony to hear Alex singing about him. About them. Then he had been hit with the connection, blossoming open for the first time ever in Alex’s actual presence under the spell of his song. 

There had still been a ghost of darkness in Alex’s feelings for him, as he had sung about fighting battles but for the first time in a long time, Michael had felt that there was hope that Alex was finally finding peace with Jesse dead. Despite Isobel’s prodding him to stay and make a move, he had known that it wasn’t their time yet. There had been too much grief and regret swirling in his head, and not just from Alex, but he could be patient for them both for the right moment. The connection had never felt more alive between them that night on the promise of a future.

At least that was what he had thought, until time had kept passing yet here he was, standing in his shower with his hand on his dick a year later, while Alex was across town in someone else’s bed but clearly thinking about him.

Michael watched as his seed dripped down the fiberglass walls, the shower spray sending it down the drain in an eddy of his own frustrated longing. His body was calm, at least, and his mind was buzzing with happiness from Alex. He concentrated on the euphoria floating between them in particular. Alex had soaked up pleasure this morning, pursuing it with a greed that Michael couldn’t help but admire, and then he had let himself go without any hint of shame. God, it felt good to know that Alex had finally found that comfort with himself.

He breathed in and out, counting the seconds down until the connection faded. Once it was over, he gave himself five more minutes under the hot spray, letting whatever was welling in his eyes, slip unseen down his face. He cursed his stupid alien biology in the same breath that he clung to it for giving him Alex again, if only briefly. 

After he was dressed for his brunch plans with everyone, he checked his phone before he left, to find a text from Alex. The contact had been updated one more time, six months after the Crashcon, from “Alex -best bro” to “Alex -bf”. Isobel had been way too excited to see that notation, until Michael had patiently explained it had stood for ‘best friend’. Maybe in another universe it was ‘boyfriend’, just not this one.

This wasn’t crumbs, he had argued to her, Alex was still a feast for him in whatever way he could have him. He read the text with his mind still working to box up the feelings that lingered for Alex, “Tell everyone we will be late- overslept”. The ‘we’ was what puzzled Michael the most about the whole situation over the last year. Why was Alex still thinking about Michael the way he did while he was with someone else?

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