#stuff that I can't find

[alfvaen]

It sucks to not have things that you used to have, or not be able to find them when you know you do still have them. (This is mostly about books and music because that's mostly what I consume.) I often can get more and more obsessive and desperate when I'm just, like, "Why can't I have this thing that I used to have?"

Sometimes it's not like I even legitimately had it before. Some song I taped off the radio, and now I want a digital copy of it, and it doesn't exist anywhere. Like, where did it go?

The transition to digital has been the worst culprit--I might even still own something on vinyl or cassette, but I don't have a setup that allows me to rip it, and I only listen to stuff digitally these days, so it might as well be gone.

Canadian pop from the 80s is particularly bad for this. A lot of it wasn't, or was barely, released on CD, so vinyl rips may be the only form that exists. I used to go on Soulseek looking for this stuff, and a lot of it I gave up on. And nobody is apparently interested in re-releasing it digitally, as a lot of obscure 80s pop has been; some of this may be due to the "Canadian Content" culture where there was a sort of market for Canadian stuff that could satisfy the CanCon minimum quota for broadcasting requirements, but they didn't get a lot of support after an album or two. So maybe it got a lot of airplay on MuchMusic back in the day, but now, it's nowhere.

Out of print books are the other big thing. Some of these aren't ones I actually had, but I had this habit of picking up random first books in series from new authors, and then just never getting around to reading them for years. And now I've been trying to do that more often, and when I do find one I like, then I look for book two and nope, it's vanished. (Sometimes there's ebook versions, but I have issues with ebooks, particularly if they cost as much as a paperback used to, but you don't even have a physical copy, so screw you, I'm not paying that much.) (And don't quote the Internet Archive to me, I'm still mad at them for pretending to be a library when they're legally not. DNI if you want to argue about that.)

Or, I'm trying to do a reread of Dick Francis in order, and I run across Forfeit, which apparently I'd originally borrowed from someone else (someone I am no longer in contact with, for good and valid reasons) and it's no longer in print, why would it be in print? Except as an $8.99 ebook, screw you, that's too much. (Maybe I can Interlibrary Loan that one, because of course it's not in the local library either, probably because it's Too Old.)

And then recently I decided I wanted to do a reread of the Calvin & Hobbes books, because it's been a minute, and I go to the cramped bookshelf in the corner of the former TV room where most of the comic strip collections and such are, and they're all out of order because it's only the kids that have been reading them for some years now, but I go through them and take out the earlier ones (when the books weren't as wide) and put them in order, and...where's the first one? The one that's just called Calvin and Hobbes? Because it's not there. One of the kids must have it in their room. But I ask them (note: said kids are currently ages 15-24) and they say, "No, we've never even heard of this alleged collection. One that's just called Calvin and Hobbes? Are you sure it really exists?" And I am of course constitutionally incapable of just skipping over that one and rereading the other ones, so the project is on hold until I can find that first volume. Maybe I'll show them a picture of the cover and they'll recognize it. Maybe it will turn up somewhere (searching through horrible messy and scattered papers on one disused desk did turn up Scientific Progress Goes Boink!, for instance), but who has the energy for that kind of search in this messy and cluttered house? That one is at the library, and I put a hold on it; I'm currently "#36 on 4 copies" so probably I could get a copy in less than 7 months!

(I'm now going to proceed to rant in more specifics about the music that I can't find, but I'll put it under a cut. Clearly my hope here is that somehow this post will find its way onto the dashboard of somebody who actually has a copy or knows something about it, but my hope are not high.)

Big International Noise: Love Love Lies (song)

This is one of the ones that's bugging me the most right now. I remember this song from MuchMusic, a cool video of time-lapse night-time driving, and the song is...I dunno, "electrofunk" or something? But it has left absolutely zero imprint on the Internet. Nobody has ever posted anything about this song. No Youtube video, no nothing. Nothing on Bandcamp, nothing on Discogs. It was never a particular favourite or anything, but I liked it. And now I can't hear it outside of my own head. What the hell happened to it?

Mark Korven: Passengers (album)

This is one that I do have on vinyl (though all my vinyl is currently stored at my dad's house and he just moved into a trailer so it may be in boxes still). It was an indie album from Edmonton in 1984, before he got a major-label contract for a couple of albums, but I kind of like it, particularly the ballad "Time Heals Slow". It is my #1 candidate for vinyl ripping if I ever get a vinyl ripping setup (and now that I have both the Go Four 3 albums digitally). The opening track, "Clock On The Wall", is on Youtube, and at some point I may get a video-ripping setup working and get that one, but what about the rest of the album? (These days Korven is doing movie soundtracks, with weird instruments from all over the world; I wonder if even he has a digital copy of this album... Maybe I should email him.)

CANO: Visible (album)

CANO was a Canadian musical collective from the late 70's/early 80's. Their early albums seem to be fairly well available, but this one, their final, seems to have never had a digital release. I've seen it on cassette and vinyl, but see above.

Eye Eye: Just In Time To be Late (album)

Canadian late-new-wave album from like 1987, with two big tracks, "Out On A Limb" and "X-Ray Eyes". Those two songs are available because iTunes has their next album with those two tacked on as bonus tracks, but the original album? Nuh-uh.

The Extras: Extrapolis (album)

More Canadian pop. Their great animated video for "Can't Stand Still" is out there, but the rest of the album has also vanished. (I may have found one other random track on Soulseek but that's it. And you try searching for "Extras" and see what you find. Also sometimes it seems to be "Extropolis" instead of "Extrapolis".)

Christopher Ward: Time Stands Still (album) or Spark of Desire (album)

Christopher Ward was a musician, then a VJ on MuchMusic, then he wrote "Black Velvet" for Alannah Myles and quit to become a songwriter full-time. He did come out with a new album recently ("Same River Twice"), and those other two albums are no great shakes for random AOR pop, but dammit, I used to have them, why don't I still have them?

Shari Ulrich: Long Nights (album) and One Step Ahead (album)

Her song "Every Road" was great, and that album was out there, but these ones I only ever saw on vinyl. Again, random AOR pop, but why don't I have them???

Neo A-4: The Warmer Side of You (album)

More Edmontonians, more late new wave, where did they go?

Mrs. Torrance: I'm The Bird (album)

I taped this from the library about the same time as "So Tough" by Saint Etienne and I get them confused in my mind. They've also vanished, so they're probably also Canadian, even though I know they had a CD release at some point...

Everender: Punching Bag (song) and Pepper (song)

An Ottawa band, apparently, who may never have had an actual album release, though I don't know for sure; I got those two songs off of compilations (or maybe the same compilation?), and I loved their sound, where did they go?

Skymonters: Kings (song) and The Danang (song)

An old vinyl album that my dad had, I taped a couple of songs that I liked; I saw it once on the Internet Archive but you couldn't actually download it, so what's the point???

Eva Everything: The Right Thing (song)

This one had a great video with stop-motion effects (inspired by the techniques used to make Peter Gabriel's "Sledgehammer"), and I taped it off MuchMusic, but did it ever get an actual release? Is it even on Youtube these days? Why can't I have it?

Mike Whitaker & Rhodri James: Monty Who? (song)

From a compilation tape made up for people from alt.callahans on Usenet back in 1991; there were a few Mike Whitaker tracks on there, but with poor recording quality (very quiet among the tape hiss) which were okay, but I'm willing to give up on. But this one had much better quality, and is a hilarious song about overpowered D&D characters from each class, to the tune of "The Battle Hymn of The Republic", and I always wanted me kids to be able to hear it. Apparently it was one one filk cassette compilation once or something, and that was it. Why????

And so on. You get the idea. I'm running out of steam here. But yeah, this crap low-key bugs the hell out of me.

The irony is, of course, that if I do finally find one of these things, I'll be like, "Cool, well done" and then it'll disappear back into my gigantic music collection and I'll listen to it once every ten years, but I'll feel better for knowing it's there.

[egophiliac]

Final manifestations for Book 7?

I'm trying REALLY hard not to build up any solid expectations, because I wanna go in ~fresh~! they're already so far away from anything I thought would happen (not in a bad way, I'm just accepting that I'm on Miss Yana's Wild Ride at this point and we're seeing this thing through 'til the end, by gum). so it's nothing too major, but:

they've been handing new crying expressions out like candy lately, I want to see some delicious Malleus tears.

honestly I want everyone to cry buckets. their tears sustain me. the more Silver angst specifically I get the happier I am.

SILVER!!!! 👏 VANROUGE!!!! 👏

just let him have this. the poor boy's been through so much. let him have his big "I'm proud of you, son" moment with Lilia.

I'm 100% expecting Grim's arc (and probably whatever's going on with Crowley) to be its own episode, but a nice hook to leave us hanging on would be good!

a nice hook though, please, I don't think I can take another "Grim is attacking us! now wait eight months to find out what happens :)" cliffhanger...

some Meleanor? as a treat? just a little bit, a tiny quick flashback or something, please Twst I just, I just want to see her again. let her have a little ghost cameo like Dawnathan Knight got. Lilia and his kids are all having their big group hug or whatever and she can gently fade in to be all like

(turning asks off until I'm done playing, SEE YOU ON THE OTHER SIDE Y'ALL)

[keferon]

Two Peas in a Pod: part 7/?

I'm so sorry for the delay. I struggled...

_________________________________________

"Jazz?" Blaster calls just loud enough for his mer to hear him. Now that the initial meeting was over, he wanted to take advantage of the break. 

While understanding that the human was calling him over, Jazz was a bit hesitant that moving might start up the whole confrontation again. He glanced over to the other orca still floating a little ways away, •၊||၊၊၊ had his eyes closed and it looked like he was focused on dealing with the repercussions of his actions. His expression was twisted lightly in a restrained grimace with his right arm holding his side.  

Slowly Jazz pushed himself further away, before turning over and swimming to the pier.  

"Are you okay?" Blaster asked as he knelt at the edge. 

With an uneasy look, he shamefully admitted, "it could have gone better…" 

The chief vet speaks up before Blaster can, but not to Jazz, but into the radio. "Has anyone seen signs of reopening or blood?" 

The Vet Chief wanted to fully isolate them from you, to keep them in a transfer-crate, at least until the injuries had a low risk of reopening. 

Blaster shoots them an offended side-eye, as Jazz is literally right here. However, he pushed it aside, half listening to the radio chatter – all good from the sounds of it – and turned to what was more important. "Did he hurt ya?" 

They'll take him away. 

"I'm fine," he whispered, looking down as he placed a hand on his chest. It still stung, as the first hit was made with intent – he had gotten mad when it happened, did it show on my face, did they see it – and the rest, warning shots. "Just a bruise… it was more dizzying trying to keep away from him than anything."  

–if the team reports you showing signs of aggression, they'll… remove him. 

He hums in thought, eyes drifting momentarily as •၊||၊၊၊ disappeared from the surface. Blaster was a little nervous about that as he looked back at Jazz. "Do you think that you'll be okay, the two of you, I mean. Do you need us to separate–" 

They'll take him away. 

"No." Jazz insisted quickly, fighting to keep his voice low – behave – and shaking his head. "We should be fine now." 

Blaster knew there was more going on, seeing as Jazz was soft spoken and avoiding eye contact; an old habit of hiding himself when speaking to staff, but it would have to be a talk for later. When Jazz felt safe enough to open up. So instead, Blaster smiled and said, "Alright. But me and a few others will be keeping an eye on you both throughout the day. Just to make sure you're both comfortable as you can be. It might be a bit rocky for the first few days, but that's okay, we were expecting that." 

Jazz didn't respond, his attention had been captured by the other mer at the bottom of the pool, beneath him. He had been somewhat keeping an eye on him with his sonar, watching •၊||၊၊၊ slowly explore the tank.  

Though, Blaster was just barely able to spot the other orca from the surface, and honestly wouldn't have noticed if not for Jazz. Pressing the call button on his radio, Blaster looked to the staff, "we've passed the first hurdle, everyone. We'll move onto doing rotation monitoring. Fred and Josh, you'll remain for the first shift. Everyone else, business as usual till I get a schedule in order." 

"I've adjusted the medications and sedatives." The chief vet told Blaster, though didn't even look at him, as they were currently preoccupied sending messages on their phone. Not even a second later, Blaster's own was going off in his pocket.  

"I'll look over your recommendations after." He sneered at them, though the vet had already turned to leave.  

Then while folks celebrated the success and steadily wondered off to their main duties, Blaster's second brought up the mers breakfast from the kitchen. They set Jazz's down next to him, but held on to the other while they eyed the water with extreme caution.  

"Ah, ya, no." Blaster spoke up before they even began to wind up, holding his hands out for the food. "Give it here, we are not chucking anything at him."  

They snapped to him with wide, frightened eyes. Like Blaster hadn't been here to see the speeds that the wild mer had gone after Jazz. "You cannot be serious– you're going to attempt to pole feed him? Now–here? When they have the space to jump!?" 

"No." He said with rising irritation towards their attitude and their poor handling of the situation. "I'm going to treat him the same as Jazz."  

His second now looked flabbergasted, glancing between Jazz, him, out over the pool, and then back at him. "But–!" 

Blaster pointed at both Jazz and up at the pair watching on the viewing deck. He wasn't stupid, he wasn't being reckless, he had been taking everything into account. And honestly, if he wasn't so mad about how the wild mer had been treated – and was just about to be treated – during meals, he'd probably be shaking in anxiety right about now. With a heavy sigh, he then carefully pulled the bucket from their hands to set it with the other, "look… I'm not trying to force you to do something you don't feel comfortable with. You're welcome to leave, I'll handle the meals and hopefully by the week's end, everyone will be feeling comfortable when it's time for food." 

They took one last nervous glance at Jazz, before whispering – pointless, he could hear it clearly – "I don't think you can – or should rely on him to protect you… especially with how–"  

"You're right," Blaster said deliberately louder than a normal speaking volume, "I am responsible for my own choices and actions. Thank you, for your concern. We'll talk in more detail later." 

Thankfully taking the hint, they left.  

Then the area was silent for a moment, save for the sounds of dawn songbirds being overruled by the sound of the scavenging birds of the morning. Starting to beg or fight for bits of food across the aquarium yard. 

"They're right, you know." Jazz said weakly, still not looking at Blaster.  

There might be other staff up on the deck that oversaw his pool, but one of the perks to being outside was that voices didn't carry as far unless one was intentionally loud. So they might as well have been the only two here.  

It was just enough for words to come tumbling out, like he could talk freely once more. "I messed up, it wasn't his fault, he wants to be peaceful – I'm pretty sure, and I just… I think I ended up challenging him?" 

"Jazz, listen, they misunderstood." He leaned over and placed a hand on his shoulder. "I'm not expecting you to come to my rescue, or put yourself between me and him, or anything like that. I know very well that I may be putting myself in a potentially dangerous situation, and I'm ready to face whatever the outcome might be. But what I meant was, that with you here – just like this, with us together. You are showing him with your actions that you don’t see me as a threat. That by willing to be around me and allowing me to touch you, you’re showing trust. Jazz, buddy, you’re a far greater help than those goons posing up there." The last bit was meant to cause him to laugh, or at least smirk. 

But when Jazz still seemed like he didn't believe him, Blaster made a small gesture for Jazz to look. In turning his head to see •၊||၊၊၊, the mer was at the far end with only his head above the water and had a serious gaze fixed on Jazz.  

"It might not seem like it, even with what had just happened, but he's relying on you." He waved at the wild mer and smiled, before reaching for a bucket and held it up in offering. But •၊||၊၊၊ simply scowled further. 

"I don't think Mr. prowl-around-you-like-you're-breakfast relies on anyone." Jazz grumbles in dismay.  

Blaster chuckled and set the bucket back down, "well maybe Prowl, is waiting for you to invite him over for breakfast. He seems to hold some expectations of you." 

"Ya, he sure– wait, Prowl?" Jazz whipped his head back towards Blaster, finally looking at him again. 

"If it fits, it fits." He shrugged with an amused smile, "though, out of anyone here, it should be you that chooses a nickname for him for us to use. I don't want to keep addressing him namelessly or calling him 'the wild' one, and I don't want folks to think that us calling him 'buddy' is his name." Then he laughed as he glanced back out to the sour mer still watching them closely, "I mean, come on, does he look like a Buddy?" 

Jazz tried to stifle his laughter, "n-no." 

Good, good, Blaster was relieved to hear it. Jazz was starting to relax back into his usual self. Coming back up from the depths to the surface to breathe. "So, what will it be?" 

Jazz's smile had slowly begun to return and so did his hopeful enthusiasm, "I think Prowl is good." 

"I'll send out a notice to everyone." And be sure to tear down all those horrible sticky-note suggestions. "But I am going to still try and learn to say his name properly," Blaster then clapped the orca's shoulder before stretching, "so I hope you're ready to have the worst student ever." 

"You're going to learn Mer," Jazz asked in surprise. 

"Heh, I'm shit at learning languages, but I'd be happy if you want to share more of your world with me." He then brought them back to the next part of their day. "But first, breakfast. Want to ask Prowl to join us?" 

"I'll try." He said, before turning around. Though gave a slight pause and adjusted his stance so his side was facing Prowl. When he saw a slight shift in his expression, one that eased some tension in his brow, Jazz gave himself a mental pat on the back. Already a marked improvement.  

{You hungry, Prowler?} Jazz asked. It was sort of funny having a word he understood that could connect to the mer's name. He wasn't sure of the meaning of •၊||၊၊၊ yet, or if it had one. But prowling was something he did, so it still felt like Jazz had gained another tiny piece of who they were.  

{Yes.} He answered, rising enough that his shoulders could be clearly seen, side facing Jazz for a beat, before he slowly began to swim over. Caution or taking it easy due to discomfort, his moments caused only the smallest and softest of ripples. Like a silent hunter.  

Yet, it made Jazz’s smile shift a bit higher. Prowl is prowling.  

But for Blaster, his instincts were starting to claw up his spine, alerting him of a predator. He was forcing himself to relax and keep up his friendly smile by the time Prowl came within five feet of the pier.  

Prowl eyed him up and down as he came to a stop, then gently turned after a moment.  

"Oh, right!" Jazz abruptly speaking up in slight alarm cause Blaster to flinch – which in turn caused a moment of internal panic, because sudden movements are always a bad idea – but Jazz quickly reached up over the pier and grabbed the human by the legs – which caused Prowl to flinch, and oh-boy, was Blaster having flashbacks of close calls – twisting him so he sat with his shoulder turned towards Prowl. "Pretty sure that facing toward him is like telling him you want to challenge them."  

"R-really," Blaster asked, both trying to distract from his thundering heart and focus on the new information. 

"I think so? He kept telling me to stop doing it, before I realized what he was talking about, so it has to be some sort of an aggressive sign." They both looked back to Prowl, who seemed a little tense, but otherwise calm. {You okay, Prowler?} 

{Yes.} His voice firm and serious, but did not look at Jazz when he answered. 

"… Guess we're ready." We’re good, but he must still be uncomfortable with what happened. 

Blaster handed Jazz his bucket first, hoping it would make the next easier. But then Blaster paused, seeing a distant look in his mer's eyes. "Hey, what's wrong?" 

"Nothing." Jazz fiddled with the bucket in his hands, but Blaster was still holding onto the handle. Not that taking it would be difficult, but it didn't feel like it was worth the effort.  

"Jazz…" he pressed softly. 

And Jazz retreated, "I… I don't feel hungry." 

At least he was being honest about it.  

Blaster had hoped that taking some time to talk would have helped to improve Jazz's current mental state. And it had a little. But his guilt over the misunderstanding with Prowl and the bad history with the chief vet were likely weighing too heavily on him. And as much as Blaster wanted to take the time and work through everything with Jazz, he couldn't right now, or rather Jazz would be unwilling.  

Because Prowl was present. Even with a language barrier, Blaster didn't expect Jazz to feel comfortable having a personal conversation with him so close. But if Jazz didn't eat, then it was likely that Prowl wouldn't either. The trust was thin as it was, and hesitating too long – and not being able to explain why – would only make rebuilding trust harder. So, offering to use the holding pool and close the gate wasn't something they could do at the moment. And he hated it.  

Blaster had to do something now to help restore Jazz's confidence and stop the spiralling of whatever thoughts were holding him back.  

Good thing he was prepared for Jazz possibly becoming stressed.  

"Hang on." Blaster said, his smile impish as he pulled the bucket back to set on the pier. Though, not wanting to risk Prowl backing off from him standing, he flopped back reaching for his bag strap, barely snagging it with the tips of his fingers. But he managed and pulled himself back up with it settling in his lap. "I've brought a little somethin." 

Jazz didn't seem interested but waited none the less. Watching as Blaster pull out a huge plastic food-container – ... okay, he was slightly curious now and a little annoyed, because if he was going to tease him–  

But then Blaster shook it with the biggest grin, and as the contents clunked around softly, Jazz's whole face lit up. Because what Blaster had just offered was the equivalent of a chocolate bar. There weren't many things that Blaster brought for him in a container, but there was only one that made that sound. "Moose jerky!?" 

"Shh! Not so loud." He glanced up at the other staff, like he was doing something that would get him in trouble. But it wasn't a secret that Blaster made these treats for Jazz. And while it still pissed off the chief vet, there was nothing they could do about it.  

It had caused a site wide outrage the first time he had done it. But orcas ate moose – the orca mers more so than the animals – even if it was mostly if there just happened to be one in front of them rather than an active hunting choice. But there was enough history, and with Blaster's dietary knowledge, he had won that battle.  

He just chose to mix it up a little, rather than bring in raw meat. Not so different than some sun-dried fish really. And Blaster personally prepared it to make sure it was safe. Seasoning was just sea salt, simple, but tasty.  

Jazz was now buzzing with eager energy. "Can I share with Prowl?" 

"You’d better," Blaster laughed as he opened it and handed Jazz two strips that were almost the size of dinner plates. He could have tried to use it to mend the trust between him and the wild mer. But Blaster knew it would help Jazz foster his relationship with Prowl and that was far more important. 

The whole time Prowl had been watching them and their exchange with intense focus, trying to figure out what was going on. So, when Jazz turned to him with a huge smile and held out what looked to be a piece of thin wood, he was wary.  

{It's good!} Jazz wanted to say it was amazing, but unfortunately 'good', 'okay', 'safe' was all he currently had to work with.  

After Prowl finally gave in and moved in close enough to take the offering, Jazz laid out on the surface. Careful not to get his food wet as he happily began to bite and tear small strips off. Taking delight in the satisfying sensation of the treat ripping and savouring the flavour as he chewed the tough meat.  

Seeing how much Jazz was enjoying himself, Prowl took a tentative bite and immediately understood why. The look of surprise on his face had the other two laughing.  

{Good, yes?}  

{Yes.} Prowl then followed Jazz's lead and relaxed on the surface, enjoying the first piece of decent food since he arrived. 

Blaster chuckled at the sight of the two of them and set aside the container to dig out his own personal stash to nibble on. "I've got more for you two sea otters, but only after you finish your breakfast."  

Smoothing things over by sharing snacks always opened opportunities for bonding. Good ol' comfort food saving the day. 

_________________________________________

Idk, this one felt very clunky to me, but I must move on -lays on the floor in defeat-

I'm now trying to put together a timeline of the all interactions that you share or like on your blog. Like a countdown clock to the flood/jailbreak, hitting all the angsty and fluffy notes, I want to make sure I can include everything. Q~Q

You and so many others have been showering me in praise and encouragement I want to live up to it. ♡(╥︣﹏᷅╥᷅)♡ I love you all, thank you so much!!

Going forward there is going to more Jazz and Prowl, without Blaster, I promise. Please forgive me and my long setups, my brain struggles with keeping things short, everything I write is a 200K+ slow burn. -cries-

-GLC

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OH HELL YEAH GIVE THOSE GUYS A MOOSE THEY DESERVE IT KDDKSHFV

Blaster over there is having battles on all fronts possible alsjfnfjnf

Also I'm happy they can have proper food at least sometimes~ Although I can't help but think that like. Jazz is happy because this poor moose is kind of a rare treat. Nice occasion gift you know. And then Prowl also loves the moose but in more "I was eating nothing but raw potatoes for a while and now there's a properly seasoned and cooked meal again" way. You know. Cause mers have all kinds of different foods in their cities and stuff~ While humans just go "here's your fish".

Anyway haha. The scene is so cute I love itt~

[saturnstrays]

WAKE UP LIBERAL!!!! I made you breakfast <3

Happy Valentine's day except I am soo late:3c blud is fuel or whatever

click for quality PLEAASE and shares appreciated 💗

vers with blood VVV

[vaguely-concerned]

thinking about not only the specific people lucanis pulls in to represent the 'locks' in his psyche, but the storytelling that happens in the structure/order of them. the underlying ideas are presented something like:

the lucanis who went into the ossuary never came back out again; he died down there (the boy caterina raised is gone forever) -> you're putting yourself in danger doing this (by being close to me), you should leave because I can't bear it if you get hurt because of me -> it doesn't matter even if we do try this, it won't work anyway (again because of me) ('you know what he's like, you can open the door but he won't walk through it' :'( oofie doofie) -> what if the real secret is that there was never anything but the monster in here from the beginning. you should leave, there was never anything here worth saving in the first place. (implicitly: what if I deserved what happened, all along.)

it runs pretty cleanly from outward-oriented attachment anxiety ('caterina won't even want me back like this, she won't recognize me (the same way I no longer recognize myself)) and gradually deeper inwards until we reach self-image and self worth. or you know, the harrowing basic lack of it lol.

"careful -- they'll know we're not right," spite says in one of their first scenes... but clearly, some very deep part of lucanis has feared or suspected for much longer than that that there's something inherently not right at the core of him, way before any demon entered the picture. and the voice he gives those lines to is the person who should know him better than anyone in the world, who he has loved more than anyone in the world -- and who deliberately chose to hurt him so horrifically anyway. 'It's better if I'm just a monster and deserved what happened than it is to allow for the idea that the brother I love doesn't really exist and maybe never did'. it's better if he's fundamentally flawed in some way that needed fixing to help him survive, and that's why caterina chose to hurt him again and again -- out of love. (this one I think he might have a very sad wakeup call on one day if he ever ends up with the responsibility and care of a child of his own in some way and realizes just how alien the idea of ever intentionally hurting them for any reason is to him. oh buddy. also interesting that he keeps caterina as the outermost lock -- there IS a distance he keeps there that he hasn't with illario. he doesn't resent her 'anymore' he says, but he also keeps her carefully further away from his deepest self.)

as far as I could tell the only note in the mind prison that's fully hidden and needs to be uncovered is the sad painful helpless stupid little truth that even after all this, even knowing what happened... he still loves his brother. is there anything illario could ever do that would make lucanis completely stop loving him, do you think? sometimes the trouble with unconditional love is that it is, well. unconditional, even when some terms and conditions probably would have been in order haha.

that's the pattern you see there again and again; he would rather destroy and abandon and imprison himself at every turn than let go of love, even when it's just scraps, even when there's only ever enough of it to hurt him. it's only when rook shows up and as it were takes his hand and walks along with him that he can entertain the idea of changing the story of what walking out the door might mean in the end.

[secretagentspydetectiveninja]

happy ides of march

[l4tchk3y]

Redraw of a cat meme. This is how I see baby Espio......

[poorly-drawn-mdzs]

Lan Wangji Goes To Lotus Pier AU: Part 5: Flip Slip.

(Part 1, Part 2, Part 3, Part 4, Part 4.5)

[babacontainsmultitudes]

In sum

"Of this episode or of the season in general?" Yes.

[lazylittledragon]

hi i'm unw el l

[whatudottu]

Mirror Twins

[canisalbus]

I love your art so much. There is something so distinctive about how tender and warm you draw Vasco and Machete and I love it all it just makes my heart melt. I love the dynamic of the catholic queer identity you have for them it's so distinctive and you do it so well. Keep up the amazing work, you are honestly one of my favorite if not my favorite artist you bring me so much comfort with your work.

.

[bierkastenwalzer]

Adam und Kommunikation

Adams Problem ist nicht, dass er nicht klar kommuniziert, sein Problem ist, dass es niemanden interessiert, was er eigentlich sagt und tut. Er kann reden, er redet, es hört nur meistens niemand hin. Er teilt sogar echt intime Dinge über sich mit, die aber eben oft einfach übergangen werden.

Und ich glaube auch, dass er meistens ziemlich gut weiß, was er fühlt. Und er kann seine Gefühle sogar ausdrücken. In seiner Mimik und Gestik macht er das ja sowieso, aber er spricht sie auch aus. Nur weil es canonically keine direkten romantischen Liebesbekundungen an Leo gibt, heißt das nicht, dass er sich seiner Gefühle allgemein nicht bewusst ist. (Was nicht heißt, dass er ihn nicht gern hat, aber man kann eben nichts unterdrücken oder zurückhalten, was nicht da ist. Er spricht aber aus, was da ist, zB in FdG, dass er sich Sorgen um ihn macht. In Worten eher indirekt, aber in seinen Taten sehr direkt).

Und auch keine Antwort, oder vermeintliches Weglaufen, ist manchmal eine Antwort (und hat bei ihm vor allem immer sehr nachvollziehbare Gründe, wie ich finde). (Die Beispiele beziehen sich alle auf Leo, aber man sieht das auch oft zB bei Esther oder seiner Mutter. Und vor der Brunnenszene mit Pia spricht er dann glaub ich zum ersten Mal direkt aus, dass er über etwas nicht reden will).

Und correct me if I'm wrong, aber diese Szene ist die Erste, in der mal jemand einfühlsam in Worten auf einen Ausdruck von Schmerz bei ihm eingeht. It took 6 episodes, aber es ist einer der wichtigsten Momente für ihn, glaube ich. Er wurde endlich gehört.

[poorly-drawn-mdzs]

As an owner of an xxy calico Jin rusong as an xxy calico is both so fun to see but so fitting and so sad in context of your warrior cats au

May I offer you a small consolation in the form of a slightly older Jin Rusong kitty?

[lazzarella]

🫠🫠🫠

[wrathyforest]

Today's performance with Wang Yifei, Zuo Yiping and Guo Hongxu <3 LC-mu knows how to resurrect me, my mental health is holding only thanks to them.