#stuff that I can't find

[alfvaen]

It sucks to not have things that you used to have, or not be able to find them when you know you do still have them. (This is mostly about books and music because that's mostly what I consume.) I often can get more and more obsessive and desperate when I'm just, like, "Why can't I have this thing that I used to have?"

Sometimes it's not like I even legitimately had it before. Some song I taped off the radio, and now I want a digital copy of it, and it doesn't exist anywhere. Like, where did it go?

The transition to digital has been the worst culprit--I might even still own something on vinyl or cassette, but I don't have a setup that allows me to rip it, and I only listen to stuff digitally these days, so it might as well be gone.

Canadian pop from the 80s is particularly bad for this. A lot of it wasn't, or was barely, released on CD, so vinyl rips may be the only form that exists. I used to go on Soulseek looking for this stuff, and a lot of it I gave up on. And nobody is apparently interested in re-releasing it digitally, as a lot of obscure 80s pop has been; some of this may be due to the "Canadian Content" culture where there was a sort of market for Canadian stuff that could satisfy the CanCon minimum quota for broadcasting requirements, but they didn't get a lot of support after an album or two. So maybe it got a lot of airplay on MuchMusic back in the day, but now, it's nowhere.

Out of print books are the other big thing. Some of these aren't ones I actually had, but I had this habit of picking up random first books in series from new authors, and then just never getting around to reading them for years. And now I've been trying to do that more often, and when I do find one I like, then I look for book two and nope, it's vanished. (Sometimes there's ebook versions, but I have issues with ebooks, particularly if they cost as much as a paperback used to, but you don't even have a physical copy, so screw you, I'm not paying that much.) (And don't quote the Internet Archive to me, I'm still mad at them for pretending to be a library when they're legally not. DNI if you want to argue about that.)

Or, I'm trying to do a reread of Dick Francis in order, and I run across Forfeit, which apparently I'd originally borrowed from someone else (someone I am no longer in contact with, for good and valid reasons) and it's no longer in print, why would it be in print? Except as an $8.99 ebook, screw you, that's too much. (Maybe I can Interlibrary Loan that one, because of course it's not in the local library either, probably because it's Too Old.)

And then recently I decided I wanted to do a reread of the Calvin & Hobbes books, because it's been a minute, and I go to the cramped bookshelf in the corner of the former TV room where most of the comic strip collections and such are, and they're all out of order because it's only the kids that have been reading them for some years now, but I go through them and take out the earlier ones (when the books weren't as wide) and put them in order, and...where's the first one? The one that's just called Calvin and Hobbes? Because it's not there. One of the kids must have it in their room. But I ask them (note: said kids are currently ages 15-24) and they say, "No, we've never even heard of this alleged collection. One that's just called Calvin and Hobbes? Are you sure it really exists?" And I am of course constitutionally incapable of just skipping over that one and rereading the other ones, so the project is on hold until I can find that first volume. Maybe I'll show them a picture of the cover and they'll recognize it. Maybe it will turn up somewhere (searching through horrible messy and scattered papers on one disused desk did turn up Scientific Progress Goes Boink!, for instance), but who has the energy for that kind of search in this messy and cluttered house? That one is at the library, and I put a hold on it; I'm currently "#36 on 4 copies" so probably I could get a copy in less than 7 months!

(I'm now going to proceed to rant in more specifics about the music that I can't find, but I'll put it under a cut. Clearly my hope here is that somehow this post will find its way onto the dashboard of somebody who actually has a copy or knows something about it, but my hope are not high.)

Big International Noise: Love Love Lies (song)

This is one of the ones that's bugging me the most right now. I remember this song from MuchMusic, a cool video of time-lapse night-time driving, and the song is...I dunno, "electrofunk" or something? But it has left absolutely zero imprint on the Internet. Nobody has ever posted anything about this song. No Youtube video, no nothing. Nothing on Bandcamp, nothing on Discogs. It was never a particular favourite or anything, but I liked it. And now I can't hear it outside of my own head. What the hell happened to it?

Mark Korven: Passengers (album)

This is one that I do have on vinyl (though all my vinyl is currently stored at my dad's house and he just moved into a trailer so it may be in boxes still). It was an indie album from Edmonton in 1984, before he got a major-label contract for a couple of albums, but I kind of like it, particularly the ballad "Time Heals Slow". It is my #1 candidate for vinyl ripping if I ever get a vinyl ripping setup (and now that I have both the Go Four 3 albums digitally). The opening track, "Clock On The Wall", is on Youtube, and at some point I may get a video-ripping setup working and get that one, but what about the rest of the album? (These days Korven is doing movie soundtracks, with weird instruments from all over the world; I wonder if even he has a digital copy of this album... Maybe I should email him.)

CANO: Visible (album)

CANO was a Canadian musical collective from the late 70's/early 80's. Their early albums seem to be fairly well available, but this one, their final, seems to have never had a digital release. I've seen it on cassette and vinyl, but see above.

Eye Eye: Just In Time To be Late (album)

Canadian late-new-wave album from like 1987, with two big tracks, "Out On A Limb" and "X-Ray Eyes". Those two songs are available because iTunes has their next album with those two tacked on as bonus tracks, but the original album? Nuh-uh.

The Extras: Extrapolis (album)

More Canadian pop. Their great animated video for "Can't Stand Still" is out there, but the rest of the album has also vanished. (I may have found one other random track on Soulseek but that's it. And you try searching for "Extras" and see what you find. Also sometimes it seems to be "Extropolis" instead of "Extrapolis".)

Christopher Ward: Time Stands Still (album) or Spark of Desire (album)

Christopher Ward was a musician, then a VJ on MuchMusic, then he wrote "Black Velvet" for Alannah Myles and quit to become a songwriter full-time. He did come out with a new album recently ("Same River Twice"), and those other two albums are no great shakes for random AOR pop, but dammit, I used to have them, why don't I still have them?

Shari Ulrich: Long Nights (album) and One Step Ahead (album)

Her song "Every Road" was great, and that album was out there, but these ones I only ever saw on vinyl. Again, random AOR pop, but why don't I have them???

Neo A-4: The Warmer Side of You (album)

More Edmontonians, more late new wave, where did they go?

Mrs. Torrance: I'm The Bird (album)

I taped this from the library about the same time as "So Tough" by Saint Etienne and I get them confused in my mind. They've also vanished, so they're probably also Canadian, even though I know they had a CD release at some point...

Everender: Punching Bag (song) and Pepper (song)

An Ottawa band, apparently, who may never have had an actual album release, though I don't know for sure; I got those two songs off of compilations (or maybe the same compilation?), and I loved their sound, where did they go?

Skymonters: Kings (song) and The Danang (song)

An old vinyl album that my dad had, I taped a couple of songs that I liked; I saw it once on the Internet Archive but you couldn't actually download it, so what's the point???

Eva Everything: The Right Thing (song)

This one had a great video with stop-motion effects (inspired by the techniques used to make Peter Gabriel's "Sledgehammer"), and I taped it off MuchMusic, but did it ever get an actual release? Is it even on Youtube these days? Why can't I have it?

Mike Whitaker & Rhodri James: Monty Who? (song)

From a compilation tape made up for people from alt.callahans on Usenet back in 1991; there were a few Mike Whitaker tracks on there, but with poor recording quality (very quiet among the tape hiss) which were okay, but I'm willing to give up on. But this one had much better quality, and is a hilarious song about overpowered D&D characters from each class, to the tune of "The Battle Hymn of The Republic", and I always wanted me kids to be able to hear it. Apparently it was one one filk cassette compilation once or something, and that was it. Why????

And so on. You get the idea. I'm running out of steam here. But yeah, this crap low-key bugs the hell out of me.

The irony is, of course, that if I do finally find one of these things, I'll be like, "Cool, well done" and then it'll disappear back into my gigantic music collection and I'll listen to it once every ten years, but I'll feel better for knowing it's there.

[egophiliac]

Final manifestations for Book 7?

I'm trying REALLY hard not to build up any solid expectations, because I wanna go in ~fresh~! they're already so far away from anything I thought would happen (not in a bad way, I'm just accepting that I'm on Miss Yana's Wild Ride at this point and we're seeing this thing through 'til the end, by gum). so it's nothing too major, but:

they've been handing new crying expressions out like candy lately, I want to see some delicious Malleus tears.

honestly I want everyone to cry buckets. their tears sustain me. the more Silver angst specifically I get the happier I am.

SILVER!!!! 👏 VANROUGE!!!! 👏

just let him have this. the poor boy's been through so much. let him have his big "I'm proud of you, son" moment with Lilia.

I'm 100% expecting Grim's arc (and probably whatever's going on with Crowley) to be its own episode, but a nice hook to leave us hanging on would be good!

a nice hook though, please, I don't think I can take another "Grim is attacking us! now wait eight months to find out what happens :)" cliffhanger...

some Meleanor? as a treat? just a little bit, a tiny quick flashback or something, please Twst I just, I just want to see her again. let her have a little ghost cameo like Dawnathan Knight got. Lilia and his kids are all having their big group hug or whatever and she can gently fade in to be all like

(turning asks off until I'm done playing, SEE YOU ON THE OTHER SIDE Y'ALL)

[saturnstrays]

WAKE UP LIBERAL!!!! I made you breakfast <3

Happy Valentine's day except I am soo late:3c blud is fuel or whatever

click for quality PLEAASE and shares appreciated 💗

vers with blood VVV

[vaguely-concerned]

thinking about not only the specific people lucanis pulls in to represent the 'locks' in his psyche, but the storytelling that happens in the structure/order of them. the underlying ideas are presented something like:

the lucanis who went into the ossuary never came back out again; he died down there (the boy caterina raised is gone forever) -> you're putting yourself in danger doing this (by being close to me), you should leave because I can't bear it if you get hurt because of me -> it doesn't matter even if we do try this, it won't work anyway (again because of me) ('you know what he's like, you can open the door but he won't walk through it' :'( oofie doofie) -> what if the real secret is that there was never anything but the monster in here from the beginning. you should leave, there was never anything here worth saving in the first place. (implicitly: what if I deserved what happened, all along.)

it runs pretty cleanly from outward-oriented attachment anxiety ('caterina won't even want me back like this, she won't recognize me (the same way I no longer recognize myself)) and gradually deeper inwards until we reach self-image and self worth. or you know, the harrowing basic lack of it lol.

"careful -- they'll know we're not right," spite says in one of their first scenes... but clearly, some very deep part of lucanis has feared or suspected for much longer than that that there's something inherently not right at the core of him, way before any demon entered the picture. and the voice he gives those lines to is the person who should know him better than anyone in the world, who he has loved more than anyone in the world -- and who deliberately chose to hurt him so horrifically anyway. 'It's better if I'm just a monster and deserved what happened than it is to allow for the idea that the brother I love doesn't really exist and maybe never did'. it's better if he's fundamentally flawed in some way that needed fixing to help him survive, and that's why caterina chose to hurt him again and again -- out of love. (this one I think he might have a very sad wakeup call on one day if he ever ends up with the responsibility and care of a child of his own in some way and realizes just how alien the idea of ever intentionally hurting them for any reason is to him. oh buddy. also interesting that he keeps caterina as the outermost lock -- there IS a distance he keeps there that he hasn't with illario. he doesn't resent her 'anymore' he says, but he also keeps her carefully further away from his deepest self.)

as far as I could tell the only note in the mind prison that's fully hidden and needs to be uncovered is the sad painful helpless stupid little truth that even after all this, even knowing what happened... he still loves his brother. is there anything illario could ever do that would make lucanis completely stop loving him, do you think? sometimes the trouble with unconditional love is that it is, well. unconditional, even when some terms and conditions probably would have been in order haha.

that's the pattern you see there again and again; he would rather destroy and abandon and imprison himself at every turn than let go of love, even when it's just scraps, even when there's only ever enough of it to hurt him. it's only when rook shows up and as it were takes his hand and walks along with him that he can entertain the idea of changing the story of what walking out the door might mean in the end.

[poorly-drawn-mdzs]

Lan Wangji Goes To Lotus Pier AU: Part 5: Flip Slip.

(Part 1, Part 2, Part 3, Part 4, Part 4.5)

[l4tchk3y]

Redraw of a cat meme. This is how I see baby Espio......

[babacontainsmultitudes]

In sum

"Of this episode or of the season in general?" Yes.

[secretagentspydetectiveninja]

happy ides of march

[lazylittledragon]

hi i'm unw el l

[whatudottu]

Mirror Twins

[canisalbus]

I love your art so much. There is something so distinctive about how tender and warm you draw Vasco and Machete and I love it all it just makes my heart melt. I love the dynamic of the catholic queer identity you have for them it's so distinctive and you do it so well. Keep up the amazing work, you are honestly one of my favorite if not my favorite artist you bring me so much comfort with your work.

.

[bierkastenwalzer]

Adam und Kommunikation

Adams Problem ist nicht, dass er nicht klar kommuniziert, sein Problem ist, dass es niemanden interessiert, was er eigentlich sagt und tut. Er kann reden, er redet, es hört nur meistens niemand hin. Er teilt sogar echt intime Dinge über sich mit, die aber eben oft einfach übergangen werden.

Und ich glaube auch, dass er meistens ziemlich gut weiß, was er fühlt. Und er kann seine Gefühle sogar ausdrücken. In seiner Mimik und Gestik macht er das ja sowieso, aber er spricht sie auch aus. Nur weil es canonically keine direkten romantischen Liebesbekundungen an Leo gibt, heißt das nicht, dass er sich seiner Gefühle allgemein nicht bewusst ist. (Was nicht heißt, dass er ihn nicht gern hat, aber man kann eben nichts unterdrücken oder zurückhalten, was nicht da ist. Er spricht aber aus, was da ist, zB in FdG, dass er sich Sorgen um ihn macht. In Worten eher indirekt, aber in seinen Taten sehr direkt).

Und auch keine Antwort, oder vermeintliches Weglaufen, ist manchmal eine Antwort (und hat bei ihm vor allem immer sehr nachvollziehbare Gründe, wie ich finde). (Die Beispiele beziehen sich alle auf Leo, aber man sieht das auch oft zB bei Esther oder seiner Mutter. Und vor der Brunnenszene mit Pia spricht er dann glaub ich zum ersten Mal direkt aus, dass er über etwas nicht reden will).

Und correct me if I'm wrong, aber diese Szene ist die Erste, in der mal jemand einfühlsam in Worten auf einen Ausdruck von Schmerz bei ihm eingeht. It took 6 episodes, aber es ist einer der wichtigsten Momente für ihn, glaube ich. Er wurde endlich gehört.

[poorly-drawn-mdzs]

As an owner of an xxy calico Jin rusong as an xxy calico is both so fun to see but so fitting and so sad in context of your warrior cats au

May I offer you a small consolation in the form of a slightly older Jin Rusong kitty?

[lazzarella]

🫠🫠🫠

[wrathyforest]

Today's performance with Wang Yifei, Zuo Yiping and Guo Hongxu <3 LC-mu knows how to resurrect me, my mental health is holding only thanks to them.

[psink]

Whilst overall I prefer the manga to the anime, there's one aspect that I think the anime does better - the very ending.

Compared to the manga's very compactly shown thoughts of the cast, the anime gives each of them a short scene.

But although that change already is great, what matters to me the most, is this added scene of Saiko.

Despite it being so short, it feels so fitting and important to Saiko's character, making its absence in the original seem wrong. (They also added Rifuta, though comparatively, her scene isn't so significant.)