#stuff like this just happens bc of her chronic illness and stress makes it so much worse ofc

[real-life-cloud]

friend is in the hospital and there's nothing I can do to help 👍

[force0fchaos]

Last yap session of the day but while I’m at it, i wanna share my kanade headcanons!!

Unrelated opinions paragraph here, scroll to the red title to get to the actual hc’s

Headcanons are a tough thing for me in the pjsk fandom because sometimes I see people get a little lost in the sauce and use ‘hc’ when what they really mean is ‘au’ or ‘thing I want to happen/wish happened.’ In addition, many hcs I’ve seen tend towards being reductive in my opinion, or not necessarily accurate to the way I see the character. This is fine with me! I love fandom discourse (as long as everyone stays respectful). Everything is a matter of opinion, and as someone who prefers to stay near the canon-accurate side of things (unless I am making an au, see: evil nightcord) not everything will be for me. All that is to say, these takes might not be super daring. I’ve thought a lot before coming to my own conclusions about my favorite characters, and feel a strong need to sufficiently explain and support my takes with evidence and elaboration. But I do hope they’re fun to read nonetheless, and I’d love to hear other people’s opinions as well as their own hcs in the reblogs, contradictory or otherwise!

KANADE HEADCANONS (in order from least to most elaboration)

1) kanade has albinism :D she inherited it from her mom, and it’s (part of) why the sun is especially rough on her

2) kanade is terrible at stem, especially math. She seriously struggles doing operations in her head, she has good spacial awareness but can’t grasp conceptual stuff. When she was younger her parents considered getting her a tutor, but since she’s going into music anyway she just took the bare minimum math classes and moved on

3) (this is a little contrary to canon but) kanade DOES have some semblance of a hair routine (bc how else is it not all matted by now). When she was younger, her mom liked to dress her up and would braid her hair before bed, so kanade always brushes and braids her hair whenever she goes to sleep properly instead of passing out. She will neglect her own needs for the purposes of composing, but her hair feels more like her mom’s than hers, so she makes sure to take good care of it.

4) kanade is the rectangle body type. I only feel the need to say this myself because pjsk has such little variation between their character models, and you really have to look hard to discern their features from one another, but I do think it’s fairly obvious for kanade in particular. Part of it is her lack of healthy eating habits, but I always picture Kanade to be relatively flat with a boxy torso and a round face

5) kanade is demiromantic & ace! (This one is just for me) but I like to imagine her wondering at some point why she doesn’t have crushes on anyone while in junior high school, but all of those thoughts get pushed aside and mostly forgotten after her dad collapsed because ‘I don’t have time for that, I need to make music.’ In terms of other orientation, I imagine kanade to be pan as I don’t think she would have much of a preference as long as she knows the person well. And I can’t honestly picture her going out of her way to use pronouns other than ‘she/her,’ at least in the context of canon.

(Now for the more major/stretching canon hcs)

6) kanade has a chronic illness, which is a major cause of her general fatigue. Yes I know it’s canonically because she doesn’t eat enough or go outside but I think that’s part of why she doesn’t know about it: she rarely engages in physical activity, so she chalks up fatigue to lack of practice, not realizing her fatigue is abnormal. I also think it makes sense for her because her parents both have histories of underlying conditions. Not that pjsk gives us anything to work with, but we know her mom passed away of an illness, and her dad suffered a stroke due to stress; one so major that it could only have been caused by an underlying condition. Running on the assumption that she would have inherited her condition from her mother, I’m sure this would be a subject that would, at least, be on Kanade’s mind. I can’t imagine when she was younger that she would be able to understand her mother’s condition in its entirety. But I can easily imagine as Kanade grows older and puts herself out there more, her having to confront that she may be sick. She would admit her concerns to her grandmother once she realizes she can’t deny it anymore, and her grandmother would confess that she had feared this all along; that it was the same condition her mother suffered from. It’s a compelling concept to me, and one I definitely want to fanfic in the future…

Last but not least, the one you’ve been waiting for:

7) kanade has autism. This one is also tough because project sekai gives us nothing but my CANON evidence is: she eats the same thing every day (not just out of convenience because she also orders noodles when she goes out to eat), wears the same thing every day (verified in a 1koma that she has several of the same outfit, and possibly pointing to sensory issues), focuses on composing for such long stretches that she forgets to eat and take care of herself, and ofc, special interest. I also like to think that kanade is hyper-empathetic, doing things in her childhood like: “I have to spend the same amount of time with all my stuffed animals so none of them feel left out”. Not having the words (much less the diagnosis) to explain some of her behaviors, when she goes nonverbal with niigo she will use the chat function and say something like ‘my voice hurts,’ or more often skip out on the call saying she needs to focus for a while (because when she’s stressed enough to be nonverbal, she’s also going to fall back into the mindset of needing to work herself to death composing). She stimmed a lot when she was younger but (as many do) learned to mask it as she got older. It still manifests in her drumming her fingers on her desk, bouncing her knees, etc. when working at home, and a lot of the time vocally in the form of singing. Her house has always been musical, so this was never a problem. But whenever honami hears her doing this (as it’s often without her realizing it) she gets very embarrassed, so honami pretends not to hear it so that Kanade will do it more.

[bitchin-witchin]

CW in tags too but this post will contain mention of like... cosmic non-con (lack of bodily autonomy), mpreg (he's afab but he's a guy so, mpreg) and fpreg, and miscarriage happening with one underage Anakin. And like... cosmic incest? Anakin force shenanigans. Just tread with caution if any of these things sound upsetting.

about halfway thru under a space themed text divider is some stuff about an alternative timeline with some Tatooine slave culture where Anakin leaves the order and returns to Tatooine to start a revolution. I might post separatly so people dont have to wade thru the weird preg stuff to get to it.

Erm. That one hc where Anakin is something more like a clone of his mom but not totally bc of genetic variation from the forces influence. Or like a stem cell baby. The force didn't really do much for him phenotypically, so they're not total copies but appearance wise... but very similar.

We won't get too much into the nitty gritty bc it's just an excuse to get him pregnant like his mom did bc he got the organs for it from her >:3c

The first time he doesn't even realize it's happened. he's barely a teen, still in the midst of his padawan training. He has been feeling cramps and notices clotted blood, but it's so early that there's been very little symptoms and it doesn't feel or look too different from his normal cycle. he's never been good with tracking it anyway so he just assumes he's menstruating. The force had been feeling different around him but he doesn't recognize it for what it means and has a whole mess of other adolencent concerns he's focused on like his relationships with other padawans and jedi, his temple studies, the genesis of his festering mental illnesses... kdbvhjf.

The second time is, of course, during the passing of his mom and Geonosis (the process of miscarriages happen over a period of time like a few days to a few weeks depending on the situation). chronic stress, dangerous and excessive exercise (like killing a lot of Tuskens), lack of sleep, bad nutrition, it's a whole concoction (yes irl miscarriages are rarely from any of these things but hard to explain the magical baby being misdeveloped when it worked great the first time (birth of Anakin)). This time he DOES know, recognizes the feeling of the force as a new life form, has more obvious symptoms of pregnancy, and he is very scared and confused because he would have been a virgin when the egg was conceived. And when he sees Padme he's all self conscious about how his body might look, is it as obvious to her as much as it is to him? Will she be disappointed or disgusted if they have sex and she doesn't see what she expects? sexual intimacy scary.... if she finds out will she believe the truth of the situation? Or will she think him unfaithful? ;w; much to agonize over

The third time is during the war once its in full swing. Idk a specific timeline. could be really evil and say Rako Hardeen or Ashoka leaving arc. HMMMM. Ashoka leaving would ofc hurt.... Can't keep any of his damn kids. Somehow the "second" time feels worst than the "first". The guilt and anger and hopelessness compounded. Why does the force keep doing this? Is he not loved even by it? Cannot he not be in control of his own body even now? He is supposed to be free.... (why does the force do this indeed. My excuse is that maybe it's a well-intentioned-but-nevertheless-fucked-up-way to guide Anakin onto a different path, except even the force cannot get plans to go right when they revolve around anakin. it is both a most beloved and mourned aspect of its child.)

The next time kids are a potential future, it's Padme! Maybe they did the stem cell baby procedure, maybe it was the force again. maybe they were rubbing off on each other and fingerbanging so the force manipulates Anakin's makeup to make it possible for Padme to be impregnated. lmao. weird magic makes for many possibilities. If the force is responsible Padme would ofc also feel extremely violated. Either way, choice or not, Anakin has too much birth trauma to do it and out of the two of them shes least often in active war zones and such. So Anakin is like, surely nothing bad will happen now. And it looks like the war will end just in time so he can leave the Jedi on a good note and have his wife and kids! Oh no, what are these nightmares? and so goes the rest....

🛸　.　　•. 　🌎　°　.•　🌓　•　　.°•　　•　🚀 ✯. •. . •. 　.　•　★　*　　　　　°　　.　　🛰 　°·　　•. ๏ .• 🪐 .　•　•　° ★　• ☄. ๏ •. . •. . •. . •. • ▁▂▃▄▅▆▇▇▆▅▄▃▂▃▄▆▇▇▆▅▄▇▆▅▄▃▁▂

Alternative timeline perhaps: After Ashoka and after Clovis, Anakin is like no one loves me I hurt everything I touch everyone leaves me in the end time to go die in the desert I was born to. So he goes to Tatooine, gets a speeder, goes out into the dunes, directionless, no supplies, fully intending to never come back. But being who he is, he stumbles upon or falls into an ancient temple that has long forgotten ties to the force (Inspired by the idea of Tatooine being an old af planet and having old af strong relations to the existence of the force (it is where the chosen one was conceived after all)) and goes thru the painful but liberating process of spiritual renewal. He leaves the desert with revived dreams and newfound courage to live on to create a better world and change to be a better person. and!! this time he gets to choose to have his babies when he decides he's ready to try again. but first, he is going to accomplish his dreams freeing the first family he knew, help lead his people to free others, and eradicate slavery from the galaxy. yayyyy. Sometime here he has the twins bc a galaxy-wide slave revolution is a long ass thing. He'd be waiting all that time otherwise. Perhaps once Tatooine's freedom is achieved, then. Here he knows his children will remain free because he has done and will continue to ensure so as long as he lives.

He reluctantly returns to Coruscant as the people of this union of freed planets agree to elect him as a representative. Not as a senator though. The union wants to stay separate from the republic, but is willing to coexist. Anyways, his return allows for Padme and the Jedi (Obi-Wan!!!!) to meet the bebes, now like 4, 5 years old. Padme and Obi-wan only first see him in the senate rotunda tho and wow! what a shock that is. emotionally unrepressed and matured Anakin is crazy to see. Also his clothes FUCK. learned from him wife. Padme has moved on bc like, he LEFT. but it does hurt to see him again. and doing well without her. But they come to an understanding after a big conversation and then Anakin is like "wanna meet my kids?" LOL

Less fluffy and more in line with Anakin's political philosophy shaped by his childhood, he kind of ends up being a warlord. Not out of bad intentions, he wants to bring peace and stability but believes that is best achieved through certain sacrifice. There is no such thing as a bloodless revolution when the oppressor uses fear and violence to keep you oppressed through generations. Also. Dukkra ba dukkra. For those who might not know, the fan language Amatakkan (tatooine slave language) uses the same word for freedom and death. So I like to think by slaughtering slavers he believes he is freeing them from the chains of greed and corruption. He still has his babies and family is his everything. One of his primary motivators as a warlord is the control he gets to protect them. And it would make for a juicy senate meeting. Like yeah. this guy is unapologetically a killer and feels justified in it!! The senate, Padme, Obi-wan, and the Jedi order aren't really reconciling with that. And if the Republic refuses to let their union of planets conduct their own affairs they are ready to protect what is theirs. Dukkra ba dukkra. They will be free.

Just to go wild with this idea, Anakin has figured out Palpatine's identity as a sith lord during his time on Tatooine and spearheading a revolution (probably some key stuff revealed by the force when he ungoes his spiritual renewal and more discovered through his own research following those key reveals). Palpatine invites him to his office bc like, his would-be apprentice is stronger in the force than ever and is now a warlord lol. He needs to get a grip on things again bc this could fuck up his plans more than Anakin leaving did. Palpatine tries to manipulate him into compliancy by bringing up he knows about Anakin's kids but he doesn't realize Anakin figured out Palpatine was trying to groom him before and so no longer holds a scrap of loyalty to him for that. Anakin's love was his only protection from Anakin. And when Palpatine threatens the wellbeing of his kids? His family? That seals the deal. He will end this tyrant's reign too. Of course this doesn't go over well with the Republic and the Jedi order but palpatine's deception and crimes are gradually revealed, so it's... a smidge less bad. but still bad.

Anyways. I think i'll stop here. this post is so long 😭😆

[therhythmafterthesummer]

Bonjour!

Would our werewolves ever suffer from ailments which could affect their shifting? Perhaps being unable to shift into the wolf or not being able to change back? No longer hearing the wolf inside or losing their strength? Stress related or some AU sickness or magic?

How would you think each would handle it?

Sorry for the angst!

-🧁

hallo!!

what an interesting question. my short answer would be that: yes, yes this could potentially exist in this universe. it kinda makes sense to me for wolves to have specific illnesses that a human wouldn't have... things that could affect them not only physically, but also mentally as well!

as for how each would handle being sick... i'll leave some Thoughts under the cut.

Chris: regardless of the ailment, whenever Chris gets sick, he's GONE. he doesn't get sick often, but when he does he just becomes completely useless. can barely take care of himself. if he ever went through periods of not being able to shift it'll take him LONG time to recover. which, if it happens to be that he can't shift from wolf to human, would be very inconvenient. not only because he's got to work to maintain his flat, his house, and his life overall, but also because he wouldn't be able to be with his pretty girl, and that would be what would hurt him the most. on the other hand, if he weren't capable of shifting into his wolf form from his human form, he'd probably feel incredibly frustrated and inadequate bc at the end of the day he's an alpha and his wolf side is part of his pride as a werewolf, if that makes sense.

Minho: manages well enough on his own because he just... grew up taking care of himself. he'll be extra pouty if kitten is close just because he wants attention (she knows he's doing it on purpose, and he knows she knows, you know? lee know). anyway, minho already has trouble figuring out his instincts, so you could kinda say he's pretty much chronically ill on this aspect. unfortunately, this is a thing he carried over from his human self before being turned. he already had a condition, so it makes sense it affects his inner wolf, too.

Changbin: also becomes a bit useless when sick, but to a lesser degree than chris. will still be capable of going through with her day as long as his ailment isn't too serious, and will also heal fairly quickly if he follows doctor's orders religiously, but he'll be super whiny about it the entire time. cranky mood to the max. will snap at people often. not being able to hear his inner wolf or shift from either form would frustrate him, but it wouldn't be crippling.

Hyunjin: this boy is fuelled by spite, and something like being sick won't stop him. fuck everything and everyone, he's gonna keep doing his thing for as long as he can. he's passed out in inconvenient places before because of this mentality lol. heals quickly overall.

Jisung: hardly ever gets sick at all. he's been blessed with amazing health and antibodies. he does, however, tend to suffer from mental related stuff... will try his best not to burden anyone with his problems but will eventually open up to kitten or minho or chris about it.

Felix: hardly ever gets sick as well. his time living in the forest has prepared him for almost anything and made him immune to a lot of things because of it. will be able to push through just fine if he does get sick, though.

Seungmin: will keep any problems to himself. doesn't like it when people worry about him so if he's feeling bad he'll isolate himself until pretty mum figures it out and goes into his flat to pull on his ear. will suffer in silence.... i don't want to add much here because i don't wanna spoil anything i've got planned for seungmin hfdsljkfds

Jeongin: also doesn't like to burden people with his problems, but is definitely more open than seungmin. will also become a little useless when sick, and he'll need a lot of help from his pack mates to get better.

[bloodfcst-a]

Hey, y’all. Tumblr’s been setting off my anxiety in the last few days, thus the reason I’ve been away. I’ll give you a full explanation under the cut for those who are interested (though I’d really appreciate it if you all read it anyway), and provide some contact information for places you can find me.

Discord: conjure. ☆#6443 Twitch: ninabeanxo Twitter: mishtadelet

I’ve been kind of quiet on Discord lately & I’m the most active on Twitter. I also announce when I’m streaming on Twitter, so... yeah. Sorry about this.

I want to be here. I really do. But there’s something about the summers on Tumblr that are really hard on me. I also think people’s attitudes change & idk why, but people seem to treat me pretty rudely? I try so hard to be approachable, to be kind and positive and supportive, but the amount that people try to take advantage of me or are just plain rude to me is?? So wild. So for those reasons, I’ve just kind of been isolating myself lately, and I may seem a little distant/less approachable/not talking much about myself because tbh... some of y’all are just haphazardly setting off my anxiety / panic attacks and I seriously can’t do it. I already have PTSD, so it’s a fucking nightmare lmao.

There is no gentle way of saying this, but it really needs to be stated. Please respect my triggers, or I will not talk to you. Please respect if I ask you not to mention something or someone to me.

and this is a really big one....

Please respect my boundaries.

If I have mentioned to you that I am not vibing with someone, do not send me media of them / that includes them, do not ask me about ships with them, do not tag me in posts of / with them, and please stop asking me about group verses / affiliated servers. In my time on tumblr, I’ve dealt with theft, bullying, emotional abuse, sexual harassment & solicitation. I’m constantly asking myself ‘ Why me? ’ but more than that, I’m really trying to avoid further situations from happening. I haven’t found an answer. I’m guessing it’s ‘cause I’m soft / nice? idk. Stop ruining a good thing. Y’all are gonna make me bitter, dang. 

When I made this blog, I was explicit that I do not want to be in mainstream FF fandom. When I promo this blog, I even say primarily fandomless & canon-divergent. There is way too much messiness in the fandom, extremely toxic people & tendencies there, and I just don’t like fandom discussion. Regardless of my reasons, the point is that I’m not interested, so please stop trying to entice me to go back. It’s so blatantly rude & shows you think your interests & wishes are more important than my comfort level, and I don’t appreciate that sentiment in the slightest.

That being said, I know Yufi reads differently. That’s why I put so much work into her metas. I even have two tags for all the content. At some point I’ll even have a less minimalistic blog & with more links so it’s super accessible ( in the off chances searching for the ‘  meta ’ and ‘ kisaragi ‘ tags don’t work ). But in the meantime... ask questions. Read. Join a stream. I’ve literally streamed games & movies for folks privately & occasionally stream now. I actually started a new file of VII not too long ago and just got Yuffie, so I could literally have a gameplay stream where we go through canon together. I’m like... nearly begging. Don’t make assumptions.

Again, there are so many resources. There’s wikis, there’s the tags, there’s the inbox ( just ask! ), there’s streams, there’s gameplay & commentary videos, there’s stuff. If you are confused or unsure, I would much rather you reach out. This is regardless of how long I’ve known you, ‘cause some of us have known me for a while and still don’t know anything about me or my portrayal or how to interact, in- or out-of-character.

On the topic of assumptions (because it really is that important, so many issues stem from assumptions & you continuously making the wrong assumptions will leave me less inclined to speak with you, nevermind interact), let’s address some.

I do not write a hyper-sexualized muse. I know this is fanon because of her choice in clothes... however, clothes are a fashion choice, and do not reflect a person’s... existence? I don’t know if it’s the masculinity or the rape culture or what but... what she’s wearing does not mean she deserves any hypersexual treatment... and also as an extension, myself ( bc this happens way too frequently-- please stop seeing my muse and then approaching me about your personal sexual fantasies. It is extremely uncomfortable, as someone who is sex-neutral & demiromantic, to be randomly selected to talk about sex? with me personally? via my muse? Or about my muse when we have zero chemistry? Why do y’all think this is okay??). When I do choose to write sexual / nsfw content, it’s always after conversations ( plural!! ) with my writing partner & after I feel comfortable with the topic and with them. But even if I had her hoein’ it up on the dash, that doesn’t mean to make assumptions about her character (bc maybe there’s character motivations I need to write a meta for & it’s part of her background) or me (the mun is not the muse!! say it with me!!).

I do not write a kleptomanic. Again, this is entirely fanon, because Yuffie says in literally everything she’s mentioned in that she does not steal without a purpose-- and the highest purpose is that she’s stealing items that would restore the power and glory of Wutai or for her personal safety. However, I very rarely write theft... I try really hard to steer clear of the topic because I’m aware that it’s like the #1 thing she’s reduced to. She’s a thief class, yes, but that is not the only dimension to her. I could go on, but I think that’s enough.

Just because our characters share canon does not mean they’re going to have chemistry. I am canon-divergent. But not only that... Yuffie just doesn’t vibe with most people as a canon fact. She is an outsider to like... 99% of people, exclusion being Godo ( Wutai ) & the Turks & the WRO. She doesn’t even claim herself as a member of AVALANCHE. Not only this, but the dynamic she has with one Reeve or Cloud does not represent every duplicate-- that comes with plotting and with chemistry. We will have to plot & work together to figure out exactly how our versions of characters mesh. This is a collaborative hobby.... so the collaborating shouldn’t be that much of a surprise. 

If you come guns-a-blazin’ without clearly having read anything about my portrayal, with completely inaccurate characterizations & just assume because we’re friendly out-of-character I’m gonna be pleased with it.... you’re dead wrong. I’m actually just... a very kind and nice person. I may just gently offer you some suggestions or corrections. But if you repeatedly come with your assumptions &  pre-conceived notions and it’s clear you’re not paying literally any attention to me or my ideas about my portrayal...  I’ll probably just recommend you to another duplicate. I know one who stole a ton of my content & former friends, so you’ll be in good hands. 

If you’re here, I assume that you want to write with me, not the idea of me. I’m a person with feelings & interests too, y’know ?? I feel like somehow that’s easy to forget with me for some reason, given how often people feel inclined to overstep my boundaries & act so disrespectful to me. Which is... fucking wild, honestly !! I’ve even had a person deadass say to my face “ I didn’t think/know you’d want to be treated with appreciation and respect. ” What the actual fuck does that mean? What kind of dominant abuser mentality ??????? Y’all on this site stress me out!!

The last two weeks have been legit stupid stressful on me, and I’ve had some interpersonal changes with folks in the last month (mainly in private) all regarding these subjects. About people here feeling entitled to be rude to me & finding all sorts of justifications for it (I’ve heard everything from “my grandma was sick” to “work’s hard”-- what’s that gotta do with you curb stomping me & my ideas/feelings, and telling me my emotions aren’t relevant in comparison to yours? It doesn’t). And it’s just been weighing down on me a lot. I don’t usually go on main here to discuss issues like this, but because it’s been OVERWHELMING in the last few weeks (and also, bc being nice to everyone is kinda common sense ? and idk why folks here seem to think I’m excluded from the ‘everyone’???), it just seemed like now, while I’m isolating a bit in an attempt to focus on some self-healing, would be a great time to discuss things.

I know this was a long post... but there’s been a lot of injustices done to me on here & in life, so....... if it burdens you to read all this, imagine how shitty it feels to have to experience it. Yeah. It’s rough, pals.

I don’t know how to really end this post godhsaohof. I’m hoping this will kind of open someone’s eyes & like... maybe things will change. I’ve stated before, but I have chronic illness so I really can’t handle stress or, for lack of a better term, a lot of bullshit tbh. If you wouldn’t say it to someone with a dying illness or cancer or a soft sweet grandma, don’t say it to me. Because that’s literally me! I’ve got an illness I’m dying from & I’ve had cancer & I’m soft and sweet! tl;dr, stop being so mean to me dang. I didn’t do anything to deserve this.

[dead-thorin]

everything im gonna write is gonna be concerning but it be like that and its really not concerning

for like months now i haven’t been ok. And like it’s gotten worse with the holidays and ive been so fucking angry and tired lol. like at first i was like its fine its ok, then i was like its the hormones it happens, then its the stress of finals and work but like its really not like i legit just dont want to be alive anymore im really tired of it. Like idk how to convey just how much i dont care anymore to be alive

1) I feel so fucking isolated here like i have friends but a majority of them are cis. And like the trans people i know? most of them on T are non binary which like valid, but they dont get the full extent. And like their families support them lmao and theres one person i could talk to but he doesnt seem to want to socialize much so i always feel awful thinking about hitting him up

and like i feel like my friends dont like me and i know thats not the case but also maybe it is!!! who fucking knows anymore!!!! i dont have time to talk to them bc im so busy at work and then i get home and immediately have to do more work and by the time im free this week theyll be home for break so like!!! fuck i guess!!! i saw one of my friends who i havent been able to see all semester and she said shed hit me up today and she hasnt and i know its cause she and another friend have to study and theyve been busy but in my mind its still “she fucking hates u!!! doesnt matter that she was so excited to see u and would definitely have no qualms in telling u to fuck off she hates u!!!”

2) no one listens to me lol like people listen to me when i rant, which is really helpful and i really appreciate and love that they do that bc emotional labor, but like in groups? i talk and people interrupt or dont hear what i say or disregard it and im like k. OR THEY THINK IM FUCKING JOKING LIKE THIS LEGIT IS SUCH A PROBLEM AND IVE HAD IT HAPPEN WITH SEVERAL PPL AND IDK WHAT TO DO. Like i physically say “im really not joking dont do that” AND THEY STILL THINK IM JOKING

and whenever i talk to people and they give me advice or just listen they do at least one thing. They either mention medicine, which again, valid, but i dont want to go back on medicine right now. But then they fucking push that shit and demand reasons why i dont want to like fuck u i dont have to explain shit to u i just dont want to. And/or it turns into me educating them and im just like great! i managed to do labor in this trying time! nice!

3) I cant talk to my therapist bc shell become concerned lol. i told her how i went to the labor looking for a book about the pros and cons of committing suicide and researched it and i had to talk for 10 minutes afterwards about the steps i was taking to help combat it but like i was legit scared to tell her in case she made me go into inpatient care lmao and this brings me to pt 4

4) theres like nothing here LMAOOOOOOO like no books at either library about stopping suicidal thoughts or helping depression or about family estrangement. I had to order books from different libraries to get something and theres a few that i got from the Libby app but like wtf lmao and theres no events during christmas and every volunteer thing? either i gotta fill out an application and do training which who knows how long thatll take or i need a car. Like there legit isnt anything here i did so much looking lmao like i have my hobbies but that wont make me leave the house

i talked to a professor about this shit too and he understands and stuff and told me to hit him up during break if i feel isolated but like I FEEL SO FUCKING GUILTY FOR EVEN BREATHING LMAO LIKE WHAT hes got shit to do too and i know he has research going on so like doubt it

5) im gonna die alone at this pt and i know thats mad dramatic and also probably false but im like so conflicted about everything i feel with my gender and dating

like every time i like a man im like wow if i was a girl, this wouldnt be a problem and like being cis has more privileges than being trans but i know last time i dated in the closet it wasnt a good time SO

and every time i like a girl, im like she prob wont see me as a man or will be disappointed in my body or transition

and like no matter who im interested in, the same thought is always “they prob dont see me as a man and will misgender me, even unintentionally” like i know people who dont even know my birth name and have known my pronouns as he/him AND THEY STILL GET IT WRONG LIKE WHAT AM I SUPPOSED TO EVEN DO ANYMORE TATTOO IT ON MY FUCKING FOREHEAD 

theres a guy i currently like, whos so sweet like theres one incident that happened that i had me thinking damn.... hope hes into guys and single..... and like its kept me up thinking “oh man hes definitely str8 this fucking sucks if i was a girl i would probably have a shot” but like every time i toy with the idea of detransitioning (not in a serious way, but just like casually thinking of a scenario) my mind physically rejects it and is like “motherfucking do u wanna go back to THOSE shitty feelings??? really??? it was worse before!!” and i will definitely get over this crush, like im just lonely and its cuffing season, but it fucking sucks in the meantime like i feel like i cant date because im too nervous and scared to!!! im so scared they wont think im a man and i know thats not every person but like Jesus its enough that its a good possibility

6) this part is sad but i think i have to stop talking to my sister or at least give her limited info bc shes having her parents contact me through her and im not giving them shit so...

like she just texted asking when id be home and for the millionth time (BC NO ONE LISTENS TO ME) i said i wasnt going home, im never going home, stop asking and i know that its them asking her to ask me and they can honestly fuck themselves

like these are all problems that have solutions and i know the solutions but like im so tired of it lol im tired of having to deal with my family situation, im tired of being ignored and interrupted and not taken serious and having to explain my boundaries over and over and over again, im tired of not being able to talk to people for fear of getting hospitalized or interrupted or pushed onto meds, im tired of not having resources, im so tired of it all. Im so sick of being suicidal and not even being able to get out of bed and having to deal with being depressed and anxious and chronically ill fuck all of it

legitimately had to make a list of shit i could do over break so that i feel like i cant hurt myself until i finish it bc thats how my shit brain works. like i dont want to die but i also just dont want to deal with this anymore and i know itll get better in time but jesus fucking christ its been 8 damn years when does it actually get fully fucking good? its gotten better but more shit keeps coming up like yea i started hormones but now i dont have a fucking family anymore. 

Even if i didnt have this list i wouldnt do it bc 1) i dont want to do that to my closest friend and 2) im helping someone get out of an abusive situation. She has like no support, just one cousin whos there for her, but he doesnt have resources for her. Ive been listening to her and validating her and making sure she knows that a) this is the type of shit abusers do and b) shes not fucking crazy for thinking certain things!!! she really isnt and i get it so much so ive been gently giving her contacts from the beginning to help her and she finally left and is in a really delicate place. So like not exactly the best thing for me to suddenly be gone and id feel terrible if she had no one there for her

anyway this was a long post that can basically be summed up as i really want to fucking kill myself but i wont but also im suffering a lot

[newhologram]

The actor/comedian who tried to make me his side chick after shoving his hands up my dress twice is getting more starring roles. His career and his following has been growing. I had to physically grab his hand and stop him twice. I had to pry his head away from my chest. I can’t help but wonder how many other girls he has done this to throughout his career.

(Yes, he’s on TV and in movies. No, I won’t be naming him and starting anything with the media, so please do not try to pressure me into doing so or try to figure out who it was. Please be respectful as I allow myself to be vulnerable in sharing this.) 

When I stopped him and told him I didn’t want to do what he was trying to initiate, he was baffled and tried again like I was some kind of NPC you can just keep pressing X at. My heart was racing like a rabbit in a trap. I had a panic attack later that night and threw up until 5am. I blamed myself, asking, “what went wrong? Did I miscommunicate something? Why did he think I would be okay with that?”

At this point I knew obviously we weren’t going to be compatible bc wtf  but I still invited him to grab smoothies or something so I could have an honest grown-up talk with him about what happened, why it wasn’t okay, and hopefully be able to officially reject him and move on. It wasn’t until the day of this smoothie invitation that he texted me to explain that he had a girlfriend and y’know, being soo famous he couldn’t be seen in public hanging out with me. He framed it like “I don’t know if you knew...” like yeah bro, I’m holy and I know all the secrets of the universe. No, I didn’t know you had a girlfriend because you didn’t tell me.

But the best part is he said that he thought I was cool or whatever so he still wanted to “hang out” more whenever he was stressed out from work.

1. I’m not a stress relief toy, gross.  2. It doesn’t matter how “cool” you think I am. I know I’m cool. I don’t need some D-lister to tell me. Am I supposed to swoon because the lead actor of a (canceled) TV show called me cool? 3. He seriously thought I would be champing at the bit at the chance to be his side chick even after he did not respect my boundaries and lied by omission.

*wipes a tear from my eye* I know. I couldn’t believe he was for real. I told him I wasn’t comfortable with that and that it really wasn’t fair to his gf either. He proceeded to try to change my mind by saying that he didn’t know how much longer he would even be with her. (I think they’re married now?)

It was then I realized no, I didn’t miscommunicate. Maybe I was my usual alien from Saturn self and just don’t understand human dating rituals or social cues for “I wanna bone you!”

But he actually thought he was so irresistible, so *~famous~* and loaded with his fancy sports car that he could do whatever he wanted. Have any girl he wanted. I wondered if he had done the same to other girls. I wondered if he was putting his gf at risk by having other partners she didn’t know about. I wondered if it was just a sport to him.

I had to work on that show a few more times and I was terrified at first. I didn’t know what it was going to be like. Luckily he seemed more scared than I was, maybe he thought I was going to start something. When he noticed me from a distance, he raised his hand up in a tentative wave, like he wasn’t sure how I would respond.

All day I had to hear all the other cast and crew say how much they loved him, how cool he was, how sweet and funny and genuine, how he’s going places! And I couldn’t say anything. He tried texting me a few times after all this to say he was thinking about me and stuff, but I didn’t respond.

Like, he seemed normal, like they usually do. He was funny, friendly, down to earth about his work, non-threatening. He was kind when I opened up to him about my illnesses and how I live with chronic pain. It turns out his mom has one of the same illnesses as me and I had wanted to reach out and offer her some advice if she needed it.

But, he still did all of that. He still for some reason thought he could just do whatever he wanted.

What about the girls who wouldn’t be able to stop him, who would freeze in fear, who would not know what to do? Has he pressured many others into sex and then told them after the fact that he has a girlfriend, oops, I thought you knew?

I’m not angry or vengeful. I don’t wish harm or failure upon him in this life or the next. I am not the karma bringer (and to be honest the Western idea of karma is all wrong anyway). That is not productive or in alignment with my plans for change. I am focused on my own goals and dreams and on the love and support of my followers. 

But I really hope as we move into this new era that we can get to a point where we actually talk intelligently about this behavior and where it comes from so we can work to break down and repair the things that enable it rather than just being reactive. Rant and perform being awake to the sins of man all you want, doesn’t actually stop it from happening in or out of the industry. 

Father Time is already snatching wigs (and toupees). Hollywood is shedding its rotten foundations as this change happens. And boooy does it have a lot of cat skeletons under there. 

[itisizzy]

I talk about me being upset today

It is a regular cycle: Izzy gets anxious Izzy goes into PANIC PANIC TIME Mother tries to support me Father tries to calm me down

The problem usually rests in the last part. He tells me that I’m self-inducing my anxiety. That I shouldn’t let myself do this and I can bring myself back. And he expects me to bring myself back right away. He gets frustrated, but panic attacks take time and I hate that. He keeps on trying to talk me down, which often makes things worse bc he says things that often get me more upset and I’ve talked to my therapist about this happening so we had me write him a letter to please not do that when I’m upset here are some other options but that didn’t work so we have to work on that more I guess. So I get more upset when he talks to me when I’m freaking out and then he thinks that I am mad at him and he is the problem.

His actions are not helping me in that moment, yes, but I am not mad at him; I am willing to work things through. However, as I’ve said, working things through hasn’t really worked out thus far. Basically every time I get myself into a panic panic time at home, he gets grumpy for the rest of the day, the day after, sometimes the next few days. And that makes me feel like I am the problem. Bc I have made him upset. I can’t control my anxiety that well but I’m getting the impression that he thinks I am a master of it–- or at least he expects me to since I’ve been in therapy for 4ish years now.

I had to take a lil break from writing this bc I was getting a bit upset as I’m still calming down from the panic panic time that made me want to write this. I’m back now. We continue. Sorry for repetition of previously said ideas.

I feel like he doesn’t get that I’m trying super very hard to do all I can to not be a puddle of anxiety. He tells me he knows I’m trying hard, but I’m not super convinced. I’ve not been making a ton of progress lately as far as dealing with things. But that isn’t all the way in my control. I had a period start before thanksgiving 2016 and just ended a few days ago (Jan 2017). That’s a long time to be bleeding, light as it was. My body fluctuates in ways I have no way of controlling. I’ve been working with my doctor on period regulation (bc I tend to get worse when I’m on my period) so I’ve been on depo for a few injections, but periods have still been irregular and long, which obviously means that my moods have been very strange. This is all combined with my meds being all crazy bc I started lactating bc of one, so we had to get rid of it. And the one we eventually replaced it with was helping but I also had real bad stomach aches, diarrhea, and nausea (which included some vomiting ughhh). So we obviously had to stop that one. I was officially off that in November, and my psychiatrist wanted to see if I’d do okay with just my other meds (lololol not the case). So my depression got worse over this past christmassy time with New Years so that was really not cool. I met with my psychiatrist last week and I started a new med for anxiety and sleep. Maybe things will get better? I don’t know. I’ve only been on it a week.

I didn’t enjoy my time off of school very much bc I didn’t feel good with all the ailments of my brain. And that medicine that made you lactate so you had to stop it? It helps keep weight on you! So I’m here now in January 20 pounds lighter than I was over the summer. Then I go back to school super overwhelmed with everything going on with my body (that includes my mental stuff). oh joy! So I’m all anxious and depressed and then look!, a retreat with your youth group where you have to be social and open up about faith and be in a large group singing together with the speakers too loud. I did not enjoy myself there. A week later, finals week at the high school! I only have two bc I’m taking two classes at the community college for dual credit, but I’m still a ball of stress bc I get very nervous about those things as you probably would guess. (I got good results tho. I just wish I could get those without having to be in a constant state of very heightened anxiety.) I’m a lil more relaxed now as far as school but still stressed about other things.

And then here is today. I get a panic panic time. My dad does his nonhelpful thing then gets upset with my mom for something and storms off upstairs to their room. I continue taking my sweet time to freak out. When I’m a bit more calm I ask my mom what my dad is upset about. She had asked him to turn the tv down a bit bc loud noises really aren’t helpful when I am having a panic panic time, and he had already been getting the remote ready to turn the volume down but she didn’t see that. So he got mad. (All you gotta do is say oh yes I noticed it was loud too! I’m turning it down right now! You don’t need to be an angsty teen. You are 55 years old.) My mom and I take the dogs out to go pee bc they need to go and then I go upstairs to get ready for bed. I change into pjs and feed my fish and watch her swim. It is nice. I am trying to relax while still being quite upset with myself and my dad.

I know that I really haven’t done anything wrong but I still feel guilty for making him upset every time I am unable to control my anxiety and burst. But the way he talks to me, or at least the way I interpret it, says that I am making the choice to work myself up but I can make the choice to calm down again. Sir, it isn’t quite that simple. I am not making a conscious choice to make myself freak out and my heart pound in my chest and my legs shake and my mind spin out of control. No one would choose to go through that. I don’t enjoy suffering. I didn’t choose to have my mental illness just like he didn’t choose to have kidney cancer. When I’m having a panic time I’m not giving in as he calls it. I’m using all the strength I can muster, but that isn’t always enough or applied in the right way. That is why I’m still in therapy. It’s a chronic illness; it doesn’t go away when you start taking meds or when you’ve been in therapy for a while. It’s power fluctuates and sometimes you deal with it better than others, but that doesn’t mean I’m not trying as hard when I’m not doing as well.

I don’t hate him and I know he doesn’t hate me. But he does sometimes be short with me for a few days after. My mom says that he is trying to be careful around me so that he doesn’t upset me again. It just makes me uncomfortable bc every time I interact with him when he is like that I feel guilty and reminded of the fact that I wasn’t able to control my brain and prevent myself from getting more anxious when he says things, all leading to him being upset. I don’t like when he is upset. It makes me uncomfortable and there is a strange feeling in the house whenever that happens (and it can happen when he is upset with my sister too, but she is at college rn so it doesn’t really happen anymore).

So I guess I’m feeling quite lost in my brain. I know I’m trying hard and giving what I can to get better, but I’m questioning if I am truly trying hard enough bc of the way my dad sees me when I get panic panic. I am seeing my therapist tomorrow, which is good. I guess I need to say what I’m saying here and we’ll work something out. I don’t know what. Maybe we’ll talk about family therapy. I don’t know how that would go bc my dad gets very defensive when you confront him bc he hates being wrong and loves to argue (bc of his law degree and jag officer experience). It makes me quite scared to confront him about things bc I don’t like when he gets defensive and gives long lectures about why he’s right. (That’s why I had to give him a letter to tell him about what he should be doing when I am panic panic bc I don’t like to talk to him about things like that).

He isn’t intending to do wrong; he wants to help me, but I guess he hasn’t figured out the right way yet. There is always something to work on. We all keep changing and growing. I just wish I would grow in a nicer, easier, less stressful way. But I can’t have everything. I do have dogs tho. And a fish.

tl;dr izzy is working hard to get better at managing her moods, but it isn’t going great and her dad isn’t being super helpful, so she is upset.

[You don’t need to worry about safety, etc bc I’ve got my mom and I’m seeing my therapist tomorrow and I have some coping skills that I can use when I am not feeling great about living. Feel free to send me pictures of dogs tho. That would be appreciated.]

[loudlymychild]

very long rant, just need to talk to someone/the void

posting on here is really just yelling into the void for me bc i have very few followers. but what the fuck

i think i just had a panic attack bc of an argument with my sister but i also think that i fucked up during said argument and i feel guilty but also still angry. like i know why i got mad but i also know that maybe i should’ve just not said anything and it would’ve been better? but that makes me mad too?

she’s dealing with a lot of shit bc her best friends brother is really really sick and she’s been stressed for like a year about it & about her own stuff. and my best friend has a chronic illness and we’ve talked about how there are like concentric circles where the sick person is in the middle the next circle is the people closest to them/bearing the most stress about it after them, and the circle goes out from there to other people BUT that the stress and messy emotions should only go outward, so that the people dealing with the most shit (the people in the middle & close to it) aren’t having to support people less effected.

& i’m 100% on board with this but like.... i live with my sister. i know she’s stressed and tired and working her ass off. but we share a pretty small apartment & basically for the last year she’s just gotten really rude, or she’ll just boss me around or ask me to do simple shit for her for no reason, and treat me like i’m an idiot. it’s not like it’s verbal abuse, it’s just little comments or actions or tones that happen constantly. and most of it is done in a joking way, she never just asks for help genuinely she has to do it in a jokingly rude/aggressive way. She gets really mad if I tell her no or am rude back. Most of the time i try to just help out and not take it personally bc what she and her friend & her friends brother are going through is fucking insane. I understand that.

but she just came into my room and asked me to help them drive out west to get him out of the environment making him sick, and to stay with them for two weeks. I will, of course, it’s a fucking emergency. But I’m also moving in like two and a half weeks and that’s stressful and sad. 

i have one weekend when i get to see my friends & i need to be back for that. it’s obviously not life threatening but i have like 4 friends close enough that i am actually completely comfortable with them. they all live at least a state away if not further & i see them all about once a year during this one weekend. So yeah i’m not missing it, esp bc for the last 4 years i’ve just been so fucking isolated & alone & unable to honestly feel at home & depressed & so so lonely. And I need to fucking pack and move and say goodbye to the place im leaving and I KNOW that getting this person somewhere better is more important. I’m going to do everything i can.

But my sister asks me to do this and then when i say, i want to come back this day, ideally, so that i have any fucking time at all just says “this is more important” in a tone that was completely dismissive, and i fucking get that it is. and i get why she said it but i think tiny things have just been building and i wanted to scream and then when i said “oh my god, i know” she got mad at me for “being mad that she was upset” which like..... this is the part where i feel like shit bc she’s closer to the crisis and she’s exhausted and it’s an awful situation so maybe i’m an asshole???? 

but it just felt like dropping another tiny weight on this pile that’s been getting so fucking heavy that i feel like i cant breath in the apartment. and i know i could’ve responded better and we had a fight about me asking her not to be rude to me and i get that for her that’s just me asking her to be nice while she’s exhausted and tired and angry but like??? is that an ok thing for me to ask? bc i know that it’s impossible to do all the time, like i know that that anger and exhaustion will come out but i just feel like i’ve been absorbing it all in these tiny little bits for a year now and it’s like eroding me. i feel like a raw nerve at this point so she left mad and i just sat in my room and cried a little and felt like i was going to puke & like i couldn’t breath & like i’m freezing cold and i don’t know if that’s what a panic attack feels like but it didn’t feel like i was just crying.

and i feel like i’m an asshole and like i’m blowing it out of proportion bc she says that i’m just as mean to her but like... i don’t think i am? i don’t know? i try so hard to be careful around her. i feel like i don’t actually know i just want to know what this all looks like from the outside. i want to have another circle outside of mine that i can give all this too but there’s no one here. i don’t know how to process this or look at it objectively. i just feel like we’re hurting each other but also like i don’t have a right to be mad but also i’m fucking mad & hurt

[bloodfcst-a]

updates !

ya girl is just... 99% removed from fandom anyway, so let’s just go ahead and add that we’re not affiliated to the ff/kh fandoms and primarily headcanon-based. i’m not gonna get into who’s the “ true yuffie of tumblr. ” don’t understand why there needs to be an argument / deadass copying anyway like duplicates can’t coincide... but i’m hella not gonna fight over it, so !

this blog is primarily fandomless, but contains canon verses. lbr, this blog practically acts like an oc anyway..... so....... this is no new surprise.

the verses page has been updated to reflect this ! the about & rules pages have also been updated !

added a new modern verse which is.... basically the same as the yakuza verse, without the yakuza affiliation. the pg version, you might say. now some crossover ideas might be easier for those with muses who are... ordinary students, or something like that.

yuffie is default age 22 unless otherwise requested/discussed. this was already a thing, but now that i’ve deleted a separate default verse ( bc even that was copied too....... ), felt the need to restate it. if it makes sense to age her down, bc like high school au ( thinking persona characters or certain other muses ), then we can talk about it and work from there! i would just.... rather avoid the whole ~ underage ~ discussion if i can help it.

& a few reminders !

i’m not keen on drama ? don’t bring it to me, don’t confront me about dumb things. just respect my decisions, feel free to ask polite and respectful questions, or LEAVE. that simple, really. it’s eds month & it seems like a good time to remind folks that i do have chronic illnesses that impact my lifespan & quality of living, and large amounts of stress does impact them & will escalate my health to be worse, so?? let’s not have that, okay ?

also ! in light of all the detective pikachu & sonic the hedgehog & all the other live action stuff coming out....... please don’t come to me with weird ships. yufi is pansexual, but not...... weird stuff. don’t ask me to ship with your kirbies or king dededes or sonics or alligators or yoshis.....  i deadass have to say this bc it’s happened in the past. just...... don’t do it scoobs. the farthest i’m willing to go is bang bang bang devil triggers y’all.