#struggling with the idea that i might be aro too bc it feels like 1 too many non-identities to have

[shark--apologist]

i know there probably is, but is there an agender asexual aromantic person out there

like

please i cant be the only one

[a-small-batch-of-dragons]

Needy

A 5 + 1 fic where it’s 5 times the other sides suspect Roman is touch-starved, and 1 time they do something about it. – monkeythefander

Thomas is having a really bad executive dysfunction/burnout day, and it's affecting Logan & Roman the most as his executive function Sides. Everyone ends up in a giant cuddle pile to rest with each other as Thomas learns some self-care. Maybe some gentle bullying into said resting by Janus. Some Remus-classic hug attack & him comforting Roman bc brotherly love. They're all too tired and foggy to care about what they're supposed to be doing (sans Logan & Roman, bc. self-worth issues). Maybe a kinda loopy/tired Janus or Virgil gets possessive over Thomathy like a Mama Hen. No pressure to write this! (/gen) Remember to take care of yourself & rest when ya need to <3 – anon

Hey so if you're doing request and would like to, I was wondering if you'd be willing to write something with aro Roman who still wants a 'romantic' relationship? Maybe with him struggling with internalised arophobia about it and one of the other sides helping him overcome that maybe? Showing that he's still able to have relationships like he wants without feeling romantic attraction and stuff? This might be worded really badly and for that I apologize -w- Even if you don't do this (which is completely fine feel free to ignore me) you should know your writing is absolutely amazing - never fails to make me smile <3 - Princey

Read on Ao3

Warnings: touch starved, internalized arophobia

Pairings: none

Word Count: 5377

Logan will be honest: it is not something he has given extensive thought to, nor did he deem it something worth paying attention to in the grand scheme of things. Simply because, well, he didn't believe it was possible. Roman, touch starved? The prince was more likely to sweep any of them into a ballroom dance at a moment's notice than to deprive himself of something so simple as touch. The very idea was counterintuitive to Logan's fundamental understanding of Roman to begin with. But after this morning… Or, five times the Sides thought Roman could be touch-starved, and the one time they did something about it

 

Logan will be honest: it is not something he has given extensive thought to, nor did he deem it something worth paying attention to in the grand scheme of things. Simply because, well, he didn't believe it was possible. Roman, touch starved? The prince was more likely to sweep any of them into a ballroom dance at a moment's notice than to deprive himself of something so simple as touch. The very idea was counterintuitive to Logan's fundamental understanding of Roman to begin with.

But after this morning…

It had not been a good morning, admittedly. Thomas had little to no executive function, leaving both him and Roman metaphorically drowning in their own issues. He'd gone over every single notebook he could find, trying to locate some guide to dealing with this, surely this could not be the first time such a thing had occurred, and therefore he must have made some note about what was happening and how to fix it. But tearing his room apart—figuratively speaking—hadn't yielded anything more than a ball of frustration in his chest that refused to unwind and a torn notebook cover. Then, of course, Janus and Virgil happened upon him as he struggled to refill his water bottle and the rest, as they say, is history.

Never let it be said that the two of them aren't determined, he'd thought as he was unceremoniously sunk into the living room to be surrounded by pillows and blankets. A slightly loopy Patton had beamed at him, holding his arms out for cuddles and Janus had none-too-gently hinted that he'd be forced into relaxing whether he liked it or not. And yes, he could admit it felt nice to be held, especially when the others had so quickly joined them on the couch to watch mindless animal documentaries and game show episodes.

But then…well, then he'd noticed that Roman was missing.

Struggling upwards through the fog in his brain, he'd managed to mumble something along the lines of where's Creativity, for Remus was missing too, and Janus had quickly stood up to go look. Logan had tried to get up as well, only for Virgil and Patton to flop on top of him and render him quite motionless. Then Virgil had begun to card his hand through his hair and he lost all ability to focus on anything other than the gentle scratching sensation. He'd only managed to rouse himself from his daze when three more bodies appeared.

"Hey, it's okay, Roro, just come lie down."

"But I have to—we can't just stop, I can't—something's wrong with me—"

The genuine hurt and panic in Roman's voice had cut through the worst of Logan's brain fog and he'd sat up, looking over to see Remus barely restraining Roman with a sheet wrapped around him. Janus was on his other side, trying to reach out too, only for Roman to jerk and whimper every time his hands made contact with the sheet.

"Sweetie, it's okay," he murmurs instead, "one day off isn't going to make or break anything. You need to rest, pushing yourself more now won't help anything. No one's going to be angry at you for taking some time to rest."

Roman's gaze had darted around frantically, finally landing on Logan in the midst of being swaddled by Patton and Virgil. Something had undone itself then, his shoulders sagging as Remus finally coaxed him down to lean against the base of the couch. He'd bent close to mutter something, his hand reaching up to brush Roman's cheek, and Roman had flinched.

It hadn't been large enough for Janus to notice, nor did Remus seem to be surprised by it, but it was there. And for the life of him, Logan hadn't been able to figure out why. Not until he'd noticed that after that, Remus was careful to only touch him through the sheet, and that he never ventured close enough for anyone else to lay a hand on him.

That afternoon, when the worst of the fog began to lift, he'd thought about it again. He'd reached a conclusion that surprised him, so much so that he began to doubt it almost immediately.

Roman couldn't be touch starved, could he?

 

Virgil won't ever claim that he's the nicest to Roman, but he doesn't always go out of his way to be a jerk to him. Case in point: when he notices Roman starts getting scared every time one of them except for Remus gets close enough to accidentally bump into him, he doesn't start trying to get close to Princey on purpose.

He's concerned as hell, though, don't get him wrong. Roman's not exactly what you'd call a shy person, nor is he immune to the general theater kid-ism of getting swept up in dramatic monologues to the point where he's willing to drag people along with him. And most of the time if he's going to touch one of them, he's the one initiating it. Hugs, slaps on the back or the shoulder, high-fives, all of it. It's not like Princey's suddenly gone and declared a no-touchy zone around himself.

But Virgil knows what he's feeling.

He knows the stab of something icy cold in his gut when Patton runs at Roman to give him a hug. He knows the prickle of his skin when Janus leans close to whisper in Roman's ear. He knows the momentary lurch when Logan sits close enough that their arms brush. He knows the tensing of shoulders and the drop in his chest when he goes to ruffle Princey's hair. He knows the shudder when Remus knocks against him. Roman is scared, and what's worse is that Virgil has no idea what he's scared of.

Roman isn't the type of person to just take something lying down, not when it's actually, truly scaring him. Sure, he doesn't speak up all the time when one of them hurts his feelings, and he's long since stopped pretending he can tell when Roman's being honest about whether he wants to do something or Thomas wants to do something—honestly, he's not sure J can tell anymore either—but if something's really, honestly scaring him? Virgil's been sat down and told he can't hide in certain caves in the Imagination because it makes Roman freak out that he might've been gotten by something, or that he can't jump off the cliffs by the ocean anymore because the depth isn't always constant and it gives Roman a heart attack. Not in that way where it's like he's being scolded by a parent—no offense, Pop Star—but in that genuine way of hey, please don't do this, you're scaring me, and he'd said yes every single time.

Which is why this is so confusing. It's not like it's just one person, it's all of them. It's not like Roman's handling it well—well, he might be, if none of the others have noticed what's going on—and it's especially not like he's getting any better. The only thing he can think of is that Roman's suddenly developed this aversion to being touched, but that can't be it either.

Why would Roman have problems with being touched?

 

Patton's been feeling cold lately.

Not himself, not in the way where he needs to go put on his fluffiest sweater and huddle under the blankets with a cup of hot chocolate, but there's a part of his chest that's never really warm anymore. It's beginning to worry him, because that's the part that feels when one of his kiddos is upset.

But who would be cold? Janus is the obvious guess, but he's always wearing at least three layers, gloves, and spends most of his time alone under his heat lamp being a happy little snake puddle. He's also been seen scolding the others for not wearing enough outside or for letting themselves forget to do things like move and ask for help if they need it. So it's probably not Janus.

Logan, then, because for as much as he claims to be sensible, he has a terrible habit of believing himself impervious to some of the things in the Mindscape. Object impermanence, he says, when he's about to walk into a freezing Imagination without a coat. Roman helped scold him out of the worst of that, though, especially when Logan got hurt that one time he tried to look for Roman during a brutal rainstorm.

Virgil? Not likely either. He's never seen without that big hoodie and he's always scrunching himself into little corners and huddling under blankets and making a show of how warm he is. That could be a cover for how cold he actually is, but they've come such a long way from those days. He can still remember what it feels like when Virgil's not comfortable around them, and it's not the same.

Remus, then, but that doesn't feel right either. True, he doesn't have as good a handle on Remus's feelings as he does some of the others, but there's something achingly familiar about this cold. Something that makes it feel like he should know it, or at the very least, know what to do about it.

Which leaves Roman.

As soon as he puts name to it, the cold pulses. He puts a hand to his chest and closes his eyes, feeling the dull pain of swallowing an ice cube make itself at home in his ribs. He lies back on his bed, pulling the blankets over himself, trying to figure out why Roman feels so, so cold. Is he upset about something? Did a project not go the way he wanted it to? But Roman wasn't the type to be silent about things going wrong with his work, not like this. And it wasn't like him to be quietly cold either—he can still vividly picture the look on Janus's face when Roman came and flopped down next to him under the sun on the Imagination's rock plateau, or snuggling up under the blankets during the winter. Sure, he was a bit of a furnace himself, but that didn't mean he didn't get cold too. But this wasn't that type of cold, this one was deeper, in his bones, in his soul. As though he could be snuggled up under every kind of blanket, in the hottest desert in the world, and still, he might shiver. The kind where being inside a bonfire wouldn't help at all.

Why was Roman so cold?

 

Janus is concerned about Roman. That sentence has run the full circle of 'being concerned that Roman will mess up his plans' to 'something is wrong with the Mindscape's dear little prince and that's concerning.' Right now, however, he's a little too preoccupied to consider the irony.

Is he proud of the fact that he's snooped in on Roman while he's working on his own projects? No. Is he willing to admit that he's done so to someone like, say, Remus, who's already threatened him half a dozen times against doing that very thing? Not likely. Would he risk it anyway because what he's found out is making him worried?

Yes. Yes, he is.

He's not stupid enough to go intrude while Roman's actively in the Imagination, but he is willing to use the trick Remus taught him to investigate further. For the double doors leading into the Imagination, there's a little button on the underside of one of the handles that takes you to wherever the last person went. So, it's a simple matter of waiting for Roman to come back—through his own door, which is difficult enough to recognize—and then going to see where he went last.

He opens the door into a quiet forest. Fireflies twinkle in the dark green leaves, a deep blue sky opening up just above the treetops. A little ways down a dirt path, he sees a simple wooden cabin with a porch swing out front. He walks towards it slowly, footsteps crunching along the path. Just as he gets to the base of the steps, the door opens and a young man looks out.

"Evening," he says, "you're an awfully long way from the village, stranger."

"My apologies for intruding. I only saw a friend come this way and wondered where he'd gotten off to."

"Friend? Ah, you must be a friend of the prince's. Yes, you've just missed him, sorry to say, he's gone off that way."

"I see." Janus looks him up and down. A perfectly ordinary man, bearded chin turning up as he smiles. "I'm sure you can understand my unwillingness to just take your word for it."

"No, I understand. I can assure you I mean your friend no harm." He closes the door and comes down the steps, taking a seat and motioning for Janus to do the same. "He's been coming here for, oh, I'm not sure I can remember. Quite a while now."

"And what is it you do?"

"Talk, mostly. He helps me tend to the garden around the back—I told him it wasn't my place to accept the help of a prince and he told me not to think of him as the prince, then." He huffs a laugh. "He's a very thoughtful man, your friend."

"He is."

The man looks up at the stars for a moment, before he turns to Janus. "Forgive my questioning, but as his friend, I must confess, I am worried about him."

Janus sits up. "Oh?"

"I offered him payment, of course, or some form of compensation for helping me, but he refused all except for one thing." Here he shifts. "Tell me, if it's not too much, has the prince always been…cold?"

"Cold? How do you mean?"

"The only thing he would accept or request from me is touch. An embrace, or something so small as a hand on his shoulder. I have offered him a seat at my table for a warm meal and he treats it as though it is the finest of offerings from a neighboring kingdom." The man's expression grows more worried still. "In the winters, when I can hardly send him off into the night, he knows he has a place in my bed, but he—"

"Oh, he does, does he?"

The man gives him an almost scolding look. "Not like that. My dwelling is humble but the bed is warm and we are not creatures to deny the warmth of another. But he reacts as though I had given him riches when they are but simple touches."

Janus is quiet for a long moment. Roman sneaks in here to…what, to cuddle? To be touched? To enjoy companionship so simple and pure it belongs in some fairy tale? And then to have to be coaxed into it, reassured that it is freely offered, even if under the guise of huddling together for warmth.

"I didn't know it was like this," he says eventually, "and I thank you for being able to provide him some comfort. Stubborn man often refuses to take it."

"That I know. Would you permit me, if it is not too rude, to ask if you could see that his needs are better met?" He gestures around them. "There is only so much I can do."

"I will do my best."

"Thank you, stranger," the man says and rests his hand on Janus's shoulder.

And Janus wants to weep. Because this isn't touch. The man's hand feels scarcely more substantial than a piece of tissue paper resting atop his cloak. There's no warmth, no solidity, hardly anything more than a whisper of a promise that comes from seeing the hand there and knowing there must be some form of sensation to go with it.

If all Roman is subsisting on are touches like this, what must an actual touch feel like to him?

 

Remus knows his brother is touch starved. He's furious about it.

Because there's only so much he can do by himself, only so many times he can tackle his brother to the bed and smother him with cuddles, and Roman doesn't let him do it where anyone else could see. Why? Because Roman's terrified of being needy, that's why, and apparently letting himself be comforted in the way he needs to be comforted is a bad thing all of a sudden. Doesn't matter that Virgil needs to be squished back into his own body sometimes, doesn't matter that Logan keeps reminding them that they're social animals who need to spend time together, nope, none of that matters. What matters is that Roman is scared of letting them know he actually wants something and that means Remus has to bully his brother into letting him cuddle him because hey, guess what, he loves his brother and that means he's gonna take care of him.

He's not actually mad at Roman. No, it's not Roro's fault he's scared. It's not his fault that far too much of the meetings and Thomas working through things has come off as Roman not being allowed to want things just for the sake of wanting them. Ro's too good for that. He's too good at being quiet about stuff he actually needs, never mind the fact that if Roman actually told them what it was he really wanted, they'd never believe him. Because come on, a hug? A cuddle? Just the ability to say I need a hug and get one without any sort of teasing or mocking? Since when did Roman dream so small?

It wasn't small. That was the problem. To Roman, it's everything.

He didn't end up following through on his promise when Janus confessed what he'd done, only in part because he already looked so distraught that anything else wouldn't have done anything. No, Janus telling him about the cabin with the sweet man who just wanted to make sure Ro was okay made Remus cry out of sheer frustration. Because he's all too familiar with how insubstantial Imagination creations can be, especially when it's to supplement something like actual physical contact. And Roman, his sweet, stupid, sappy brother, was never going to be able to get by with Imagination touch alone.

Not to discount the man in the cabin. Remus has met him a few times, he's really a sweet guy. But that's partly because the Imagination knows Ro, the same way it knows Remus, and so it tries to give him the things he needs in between giving him all the things he wants too.

And apparently, what Roman needs is someone kind, patient, sweet, and caring enough to give him the physical affection he won't dare tell anyone else he's starved for.

So yeah. Remus is pissed.

+1.

It's the most humiliating thing in the world, to want to be special.

To want to have someone look at you out of everyone in the room and say that one, you, yes, I want you. To be the exception. To just be something a little bit different from everything else. To be the one for whom they have a soft spot.

A single room. A bed or a chair or a rug on the floor. A window or no window at all. A fireplace, lit or unlit. A door in the back, open or closed. Quiet footsteps or loud footsteps crossing the room, a blanket or a coat draped over shoulders as another body lowers itself. There you are or you look cold or a soft hum or nothing at all. Arms wrapping gently about shoulders or waists or just brushing against each other. Gentle kisses to the crown of the head or the temple or the cheek, or no kisses at all. Murmurings or soft worried questions or knowing silences. Warmth, always warmth. Warmth and solidity and endless unspoken affection.

Cuddled in a too-big bed with gentle whispers and firm touches. Surprised by a hug from behind, a teasing kiss pressed to a shoulder. Spotted across the room and a smile, arms opening, the come here spoken or unspoken and no less clear in either.

Yes, a humiliating thing indeed.

How can you ask to want to be special? How can you look someone in the face and tell them you care not for the work it takes to grow so close? How can you ask them to give you a place in their hearts when you don't want to give them one in yours, not in the same way? How can you want something that you could never fully appreciate, because you could never see yourself giving the same to someone else?

Give me this, you say, I want it. I want to know what it feels like.

Will you give it back to me, they say, if I give it to you?

You can't. You don't know how. You aren't capable of it. That's for other people, people who do know how to do it. It's better for them to be that for each other, after all, and not for you. You don't get that. You won't ever get it. How could you ever hope to be that kind of special? How could you ever hope for someone to choose you? What do you have that they couldn't get, a thousand times over, in someone else?

You can be liked. You can even be loved. But you will never be chosen.

It is easier, then, a voice whispers in the back of your head, to not have at all. Why would you chase crumbs when you could eat by yourself? You needn't hide under their tables. You could eat on your own. You could have your own food.

And so you do. You make your own and you smell the aromas wafting from their tables and you bite down on your own bland creations. You like them, you do, but sometimes you get a glimpse of what sorts of things they eat and your mouth waters but your stomach never grows any hungrier. You fill your mind with the thought of how good it must taste, what you imagine it to taste like. You wrap your arms around yourself and imagine a full, content stomach. You imagine someone noticing when you get a little hungry and bringing you something they think you might like to eat. But you will never be someone's first choice of dinner companion.

You watch the hugs and touches and kisses and you imagine what it might be like to be a vessel for such affection. You do not position yourself close enough to catch the runoff from the fountain because that will only make it clear how empty you are. You sit bone dry on a nearby shelf and take comfort in the shade for it reminds you of how cool the water must feel. And when it is dark and the fountain has shut off for the night, you think of how it would feel to have someone pour in the cool, gentle water until it laps against the lip at the top. Perfectly filled, just for you. It won't be, it won't ever be, but in the cool of the dark you imagine it could.

You will only be special to the things that you make to treat you as special. They give you some relief, the flat words on pieces of paper describing how badly you wish to be cherished or nourished. The phantoms you conjure in your own imagination whose only purpose is to love you, absent of the realities of touch and only there to give you the idea of it. You tell yourself a thousand stories of being loved, being cared for, being chosen and that never makes it any more real.

You take the humiliation of wanting to be special and bundle it into a cloak, wrapping it about your fragile chest as though the shame of it would deign to warm you.

***

"Is this really how you feel, Ro?"

Roman doesn't look up, the choked voice coming out of Remus enough to let him know how his brother is feeling. He shrugs, wrapping his arms tighter around himself as Remus sniffles. "I just…yeah."

"You're allowed to want stuff, Ro, especially if it's how you want to be cared for."

"But it's not—it's not fair. I can't—I can't do that, so I can't—how can I ask someone to give me something when they're not gonna get anything out of it?"

"Because it's not like they wouldn't get anything out of it." Roman turns away, face burning with shame, humiliation, a cocktail of the two, and the paper rustles as Remus puts it down. "Okay, okay, think of it this way: I ask you to do stuff for me to help ground me and pull me out of spirals, right?"

"Yeah?"

"I don't do that for you."

"Yes, you do."

"Right, but I don't do the same thing. I love you and support you in the way that you need it."

"But I can't—how can I ask someone to get into a relationship with me when I'm never gonna feel like that for them? That's what most people talk about! They feel unloved and it makes them sad and they—and then they break up and I can't hurt someone like that, Re, I can't—"

"Shh, shh, hey, hey, Roro." Remus is up and out of the chair and Roman's shrinking back before he even touches him. "I'm not—okay, I won't touch you."

He relaxes a tiny bit.

"You care about people," Remus continues, "you care a lot about people. And you're really good at making them feel cared about. You know how many times one of the others comes up to me because they can't find you to tell you how much they appreciate you? 'Cause it's a lot, Ro-bro, it's a whole hell of a lot."

Roman peeks out at Remus. He's on his knees near Roman's chair. "Really?"

"Yeah, really. They care so much about you, Roro. They want to care about you. So badly. Do you have any idea how much we've—god, no, you don't. You don't know."

"Know what?"

Remus sighs heavily. "Janus followed you to the cabin a few weeks ago."

Roman freezes.

Then he panics and because he panics, Virgil shows up. And because he can't tell Virgil the truth, Janus shows up. And because the two of them just disappeared out of nowhere, Patton and Logan show up to see what's going on. And now all of them are here and his soul is scrawled out on a piece of paper right there and Remus is reaching up to try and touch him and—

Everything stutters to a stop when warm, solid, real hands cup his face.

"Ro," comes Remus's voice, past the muffled everything of the world, "it's okay. I'm telling you it's okay. We're all worried, Roro, that's all this is. See? Everyone's just worried."

He blinks through the panicked fog to see concern written plainly across each of their faces. But the warmth won't let him think and soon he's squeezing his eyes shut again, a mortifying noise leaving his throat.

"Come let us help you," Remus is saying, "come get cuddles and kisses and everything, okay? It's okay, Roro, it's okay."

And because Roman is weak and stupid and already humiliated, he nods.

"Thank fuck," he hears distantly before there are strong, solid arms around him, hefting him up out of the chair like he weighs nothing, "hey, Princey, shh-shh-shh, it's just me, it's just Virgil."

Virgil carries him over to something soft, something else warm opening its arms to meet them. He's lowered against something else warm and solid and smelling faintly of sunflowers and there's a real kiss against his cheek.

"Sweet prince," he hears, and his mind belatedly supplies Janus, "sweet, dear prince, oh, you poor thing…you're so cold, sweetie."

"Come here, come get him under the blankets." Patton, his fading brain gives him as the faint smell of fresh cookies surrounds him with warmth, "hey, baby, it's okay. We're gonna look after you now, okay?"

Everything is too much. Everything is too much and too warm and too real and too good and Roman can't have this, he can't have this, he's being selfish, he's being awful, he's going to end up hurting someone, especially himself, and then something cool and dark falls across his face and another kiss brushes the spot just behind his ear.

"Breathe," Logan's deep voice instructs, a hand running up and down his back, "breathe, Roman."

His breath comes in great, whooping gasps, but he's breathing. A hand slips down to rest over his stomach and he near sobs with the relief of it.

"Hush, it's alright, we won't go anywhere until you're feeling much better. Just focus on us, alright? Can you do that, my dear?"

Roman will do anything if Logan keeps speaking to him so tenderly. He does his best to block out the thoughts swirling around and around, instead trying to feel the puff of Logan's breath against his cheek, the warmth of his hand on his stomach, the weight of Patton adjusting the blanket, the way Virgil's hand cards through his hair, one of his hands held in several of Janus's. He takes one deep breath in, then another, then another, and the sobs leave him with a foreign softness.

"You're doing so well, sweetheart," Patton murmurs, "so well."

"It's bad," Virgil says, more to the others than to him, "he's really out of it. He's gonna need a lot of support going forward."

"Oh, no," Janus teases, "whatever shall we do? Cuddle our sweet prince until he feels better? Tell him how much we care for him? I couldn't imagine a worse fate."

"Shush," Logan scolds, far too fond to be a true indictment before he kisses Roman's forehead, "now's not the time for jokes. Roman needs our help still."

"He's overwhelmed." Remus shuffles up close to him, pressing his side against Roman's. "Let him go to sleep about it."

"Do you need to sleep, little one? That's alright, shh, yes, that's it, close your eyes, now…sleep, my dear, we'll be here when you wake up."

Deep in the Imagination, a bird carries a letter to a little wooden cabin. A man opens the door and takes the letter, smiling as he reads what's written upon it.

He will be taken care of. Thank you.

"It is my pleasure, as always," he says, and he knows somehow the prince will hear it, "and you are always welcome to come back."

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[just-graysexual]

I'm feeling so distressed :( I've been back and forth thinking I'm maybe ace and on the aro spectrum but other times I'm like no I'm just not hypersexual that's all but then i just. don't even think about sex like more than once a month and thinking about getting intimate with someone just feels really scary even though I'm 19... but it might be bc i feel like my body is gross and I have no self esteem which I'm working on... (1/2)

Hey Anon,

I apologize, but this is the only message I received. Tumblr must’ve eaten the part. I am so sorry you feel this way, but hang in there. Stay strong. Learning about yourself is not an easy thing to go through and it can be very stressful; especially with so many conflicting feelings, emotions, and thoughts. Just take a deep breath. You will get through this. Take it step-by-step.

Don’t stress too much about what ifs or what you could be. This can drive you crazy, however, it is something many aces and aros go through. It is very common for us to doubt ourself and questions our own orientations. It’s okay to have this back and forth battle with yourself, but don’t let the doubts distract you. A pretty good indicator that you might be ace and aro is the fact that you question if you really are ace/aro or allo-. Majority of the time, non-aces and non-aros do not have this internal struggle. Keep this in mind and take that as your first step. You don’t have to dive deeper into terms just at the moment. Give yourself some time to understand that it’s okay to have these thoughts an feelings, but overall if you have to question it odds are you are ace and aro.

It’s perfectly fine to be hypersexual and ace and aro. This does not have to take away or invalidate your ace and aro orientation. Just because you are hypersexual does not mean that you cannot be ace or aro. There are many aces and aros who are hypersexual. It is understandable that being hypersexual can make you question your ace or aro orientation that much more. It’s not easy having such conflicting feelings. Feel free to look into other hypersexual aces and ask around for some help.

It’s also okay if being intimate with someone scares you. This does not necessarily mean that you are ace or aro, but you can use it as a way to identify if you wish. You might have some sex aversion and romance aversion and that is perfectly fine. Many people ace, aro, non-ace, and non-aro can have different aversions. And don’t worry about your age. It does not matter what age you are, if you don’t care to be intimate with someone and if it scares that is fine; this can happen to anyone at any age. Your life experiences and feelings do not have to coincide with the projected image of what someone your age should be experiencing or feeling. You will probably be surprised at how many people your age feel the same way that you do.

It’s okay if your body feels gross. Many people don’t like their body’s or parts of their body’s. You are definitely not alone in this. And it’s not an easy thing to overcome. But I am glad to hear that you are working on yours self esteem and image. That’s good! Keep it up! You don’t have to like your body, but you should love yourself. Remember there is more to you than how you look and your orientations. You are a person with thoughts, feelings, and ideas. You are important to other people. You mean something to other people. People like you and love you because of you. Not your orientation or how you like. It’s you they like. And to the right people, it’s only you that matters. Never forget that. 

Remember, if you are questioning and wondering about these things odds are you might be ace and aro. Take that as a stepping block for now. Work on accepting this and squashing those other doubts. Give yourself some time. Many aces and aros doubt their orientations, including me, but deep down I know that I am different from non-ace people and that helps me accept my orientation. After that, then dig a little deeper into your feelings and attractions. This can help and you can explore more ace and aro orientations. Don’t let all the terms and orientations overwhelm you; there is a lot, but the more you learn about yourself the more things start to make sense.

Stay strong, Anon. Everything will fall into place eventually. Learning about yourself is like putting together a puzzle, you get to a point where it becomes really hard, you try different pieces to see if they fit, but eventually the right piece goes into the proper place. You will get there. Keep working on your image and self love; that’s important. Focus on that first and then continue working on your orientations. If you need any help, have any questions, or need to talk feel free to message us anytime.

[edwardsvirginity]

I would have always pegged Lydia to be more of a Rosalie than a Edward/Edythe (Mostly because both Lydia and Rosalie give off the same aura? Don'T know how to explain it), really, perhaps even a Alice due to their Love for fashion and history of forced internment in evil psychiatric hospitals due to their gift. Of course, that would make either Jackson being Royce in the Rosalie scenario or Peter being James in the Alice one. Also some of Bella's friend could be Danny and Mason?

I can totally see Lydia as Rosalie, and I get where you’re coming from with that! They’re both infamous for being beautiful and have standoffish mean girl vibes to them. They both make a big show of being perfect and not needing anyone. 

I chose Lydia as Edward/Edythe though for a few reasons:

1. Redheads

2. They’re both really smart and secretly nerdy

3. They’re both terrified of (and dismissive of) vulnerability and really struggle to let people in

4. They have an intense unhealthy devotion to any romantic partners they get serious about, even when they know the relationship is a bad idea and will end up hurting them

5. Sass

6. As the series goes on it becomes clear that Lydia is deeply insecure and emotionally fucked up and that she has a tendency to blame herself for things out of her control. She very much has a god complex and feels responsible for saving everyone. She’s also incredibly empathetic. For me, this really reminded me of Edward, as obviously he’s also super empathetic, hates himself, and feels guilty about a million things that he can’t do anything about. For Lydia, hating herself manifests in attempts to become perfect (as though this will somehow make her redeemable, or if enough people like her she might like herself) whereas Edward just accepted his expected damnation and got really cynical. I think part of the difference in reaction here is that Lydia is a woman and has grown up feeling like she has to please/accomodate others, while Edward hasn’t. They both really struggle with deaths that involve them (Lydia with screaming/finding the bodies even though the deaths weren’t her fault, Edward with killing evil people or not saving people he could). They both really crave love and validation. 

7. With people Lydia doesn’t care about, she has no problem being confident and dating them/manipulating them to get what she wants. This is... most of her romantic interests in the series, which makes ppl think she’s confident/callous with love interests. HOWEVER, when she’s actually genuinely into someone and has real feelings for them, she’s waaayyy more hesistant and scared. Meanwhile, Edward has 0 issue dazzling/manipulating women in the books to get what he wants when he doesn’t care about them, but when it comes to Bella he’s pretty tentative. 

I think the thing about Lydia is on the outside she has this really harsh mean girl exterior that, you’re right, really does resemble Rosalie, but on the inside (and as she grows as a person and stops fronting) she’s a lot more like Edward: smart, wry, self-hating, hesistant to let people in, empathetic, nerdy, god complex, calculating

But also i feel like every girl on teen wolf is a Rosalie archetype. Teen Wolf is just full of gorgeous, badass, standoffish, mean-girl like women. Erica, Braeden, Lydia, Kate, Cora.. I could go on but it would be easier to list the women who AREN’T like that. As you may have seen, my original pick for Rose was Braeden. 

There’s also a lot of evidence that Allison is the first real friend that Lydia has (and the first person she can be really vulnerable with), and there was a lot of groundwork laid that would allow them to be interpreted as romantic, and with her as Bella... well, in a lot of ways, Bella is Edward’s first real friend too. The movies just skipped over the slowburn friend part. 

Maybe Peter would make a good James? He hates allison bc she’s associated with Kate, he plays mindgames with Lydia, is generally villanous and the whole team gets together to take him down..... he might also make a good Aro, endlessly scheming, fascinated by and yet cruel toward Lydia/Edward, power hungry but also motives that make sense in the right light and allow him to claim tactical innocence, always lurking in the background waiting for the perfect moment to swoop in, you’re never sure if he’s a reluctant ally or an enemy, though occasionally useful to have on your side, in some ways royalty.

Maybe Danny would make a good Ben? And Mason is definitely goofy enough to be another friend, but Mason’s also smart, and Mike Tyler and Eric are oblivious dumbos. 

Anyway thanks for asking abt this bc i obviously have a lot of Thoughts

[cat-in-a-basement]

I was...cautious, about posting this. I tried my very best cover all angles and counter every viable point I could think of, but it is still a rather heated topic. 

Let’s discuss the differences between why is okay to make heterosexual characters LGBTQ+, and why it is not okay to make LGBTQ+ characters heterosexual.

Naturally, I will be using Warrior Cats as my example.

   I would like to take this time to try and explain the sort of...the sort of difference that comes with shippings, and sexualities/romantic attractions in Warriors. 

   So, it's a logical thought process. Why is it to okay make characters in a heterosexual relationship in canon a different sexuality/attraction, but making LGBTQ+ characters straight is not? 

   I occasionally see it, and, in theory, it is correct. 'I have every right to change what I don't like about the series.' Yes, you do have the freedom to say, change Tallstar and ship him with Reena. But, is that 'right?' Objectively speaking, no, it isn't. But I'll come back to that point later. Let's start on the differences between the two.

   This is the difference between changing heterosexual characters and changing LGBTQ+ characters. 

   With LGBTQ+ characters, you already know their sexuality/romantic attraction, or what they identify as. The only way to add onto that is to make the character into an even more specific category. For example, you could in theory change the previously mentioned Tallstar from gay and attracted to Jake to something along the lines of 'Is attracted romantically to Jake, but doesn't have a sexual attraction to any cat'. So he loves Jake, but at the same time, doesn't desire a sexual relationship. The overall original character's attraction stays the same, but more is added to it that doesn't change from what is canon. It does not erase the feelings of the character in canon.

   BUT, if you decide to completely erase this already established canon and erase it to be heterosexual, then it is going backwards. You're not adding onto the already established canon. You are reversing it. This is erasing what is already confirmed, and choosing instead to ignore the romantic attraction/sexuality confirmed. This is not acceptable in an environment that typically encourages the LGBTQ+ community to express themselves. It shouldn't be socially or morally acceptable in any environment, but sadly that isn't the case in many countries and religions.

   So, on tumblr, you are going to get negative reactions due to the nature of reversing the sexuality/romantic attraction already confirmed. This happens on the forums as well, as people who chime in they prefer Tallstar with Reena, or Ravenpaw is better off with a she-cat, often get ignored or a flame war starts if people take the bait. This is because It continues the very real problem in society of erasing LGBTQ+ communities and individuals because of who they are attracted to. 

  I mean, you have the freedom to ship who you want, but if you're erasing canon romantic attraction/sexuality to do it, you're probably not going to get many positive responses. I fully believe in the neutrality of the internet, but I also believe in progressive ideals and in giving people a character to represent them in their respective fandom. Ultimately, it’s up to whoever to decide for themselves. Your freedom to create what you want should be respected. But, at the same time, it wouldn’t hurt to be mindful they are plenty other characters to work with.

-

   This is why the same idea doesn't hold up with heterosexual characters.

   The thing with heterosexuality, is that unless it is explicitly implied in the books, it can't really be confirmed. This means that writers have free reign to interpret the relationships as they like, because they are not erasing the sexuality. (Unless the sexuality/romantic attraction is explicitly defined, that is.) They can only add onto that character. For example, Blossomfall had a brief crush on Toadstep, and later on, has scenes that could be implied as her liking Ivypool. However, she does have a canon (unfortunately...) relationship with Thornclaw. (My apologies for that bout of bias there. I'm just...processing the information. Slowly.)

   You could very well headcanon Blossomfall as bisexual but only romantically attracted to other she-cats. It does not erase what is canon. It adds onto what is already established by giving Blossomfall layers and making it so that she only develops a romantic attraction to she-cats, but is sexually attracted to both toms and she-cats.

   And yes, like before, you can do what you want. Say Mothwing is explicitly stated to only be straight. People can and will still ship her with Leafpool.

   And, this is where things differ. It is not acceptable to erase canon LGBTQ+ characters. But, due to the nature of heterosexual relationships being generally undefined, it is acceptable to change heterosexual relationships to LGBTQ+ ones.

   I know. That isn't exactly 'fair'. It's kind of hypocritical to say only heterosexual characters that are canonically straight can be made LGBTQ+, while the exact opposite will net you a ton of angry people telling you that you are wrong.

   But...here's the thing. Heterosexual people haven't endured the same. They don't have to worry about some of things LGBTQ+ people do. I don’t speak for them, as I’m not going to silence their voices, but one has to admit that LGBTQ+ community is constantly facing hurdles, obstructions, and hate. Heterosexual people do not have to worry about the same struggles. Sure, both may have bills to pay, a job they need, and like memes galore, but the attitudes of the people around them can change depending on their sexuality and romantic attraction.

   Not to mention, heterosexual people have quite literally over a million heterosexuals in media and literature to choose from to represent them. In the Warrior Cat books, they have over a thousand to pick to represent them. LGBTQ+? The only confirmed (and it's debated whether it was, even at that) representation is Ravenpaw and Barley, and Tallstar and Jake. Two. Two couples. One might understand why they choose a non-confirmed character to represent them and give them a different sexuality/romantic attraction other than heterosexual.

   If you want an example of that, it’s why I headcanon Hollyleaf as ace-aro. I see lot of myself in her and her redemption story, and so I portray her as ace-aro like myself. Since only Mousefur (again, debatable as to whether it was explicitly stated or not) is possibly asexual, that just leaves me with her as a canon asexual character. However, I don’t know a lot about Mousefur. But Hollyleaf, who has stated she doesn’t want kits or to be a queen and whose only possible ship was Fallen Leaves, and they basically acted as friends...now her I can relate to.

   And I can understand some criticisms. The books focus on the plot, not the romances. The romances are added to give some drama to the story, try and give character depth, and try to complete character arcs. It shouldn't matter what their sexuality/romantic orientation is because 1. they're cats - cats don’t care, and 2. the books aren't geared to detail every little romance that happens.

   I get that. But what needs to be understood is that there is a major difference between 2 gay canon couples to choose from and a thousand heterosexual couples (well, unconfirmed heterosexuality). I get wanting to create your own thing. But you have to understand that people may not respond as you like if you choose to erase this when you have thousands of other characters to work with.

   I also get that not everyone needs a character to represent them. And that’s fine too. But, there are people in this fandom who think differently, myself included. I want characters to represent my lack of attraction. It’s perfectly fine if you don’t concern yourself over it. But for others, things can be different, and I think it’s important to be able to distinguish this.

   So, I guess in my personal opinion...are you going to tell somebody whose sexuality/romantic attraction is constantly dismissed, erased, and prosecuted they can't change a heterosexual character to a sexuality/romantic attraction that represents them? You can, but you're not going to be considered a good or decent person for it. And, it isn't fair. But neither is what LGBTQ+ people go through either. So I can overlook a fictional heterosexual character being made LGBTQ+. (Well, as long as it is written and done well. I can't condone shipping cats just to ship them. I have to give them a backstory and character development. But that's more my opinion than anything.)

   "But...BC, it's a book about fighting cats. It's really not that important, or worth making an analysis over."

   Here's the thing. In objective writing standards, it is illogical to rewrite a story where a LGBTQ+ character's entire sexuality/attraction is replaced just to have wish fulfillment. You could say the same for heterosexual characters being make a different sexuality/romantic attraction, but as stated before, there are generally less LGBTQ+ characters to work with. So unconfirmed sexualities will receive fanworks to give them background and a story, as well as a character who can be represented. 

   And, as stated before, you are only going backwards if you decide to erase the canon sexuality/romantic attraction. You can add onto it, but going backwards is taking character away. It doesn't add anything new to the character's feelings. I made this to explain why the two are different, and while one is acceptable and one is not.

   I mean, you could still do what you want. Nobody can stop you from expressing ideas. Just don't expect to erase a canon LGBTQ+ representation without people telling you how it isn't acceptable. Myself included.

   And finally, I’m not one to censor criticism. If you disagree, then you are absolutely free to state so. If you think I got something wrong, then tell me. This was an attempt at an analytical essay explaining the differences between the two, and if it wasn’t satisfactory, tell me so I can learn for next time I make an analysis. I’m not trying to be a mouthpiece who parrots words. I do my research and homework, for I am a nerd. I try to be non-biased (Unless it’s BlossomXThorn because WHO ON EARTH thought that was a good idea?!), while also trying to see both sides PoV. 

  If you are part of the LGBTQ+ community, and whether you agree or disagree, you have every right to give your opinion.

  If you are heterosexual, and whether you agree or disagree, you have every right to give your opinion.

   Regardless, I hope everyone who reads this has a great week!)