#stressed? sure am!! literally don't know how i'm supposed to afford this shit it's too expensive

[eutonous]

the contrast in this grief vs how i felt losing my mother is indescribable, i gotta say

[abyssal-author-and-artist]

Brief Little Drabble

Mabel you've made me want to do something again. How dare you/lh

Mabel -- @drifting-stars-mabel Dipper -- @drifting-stars-dipper (me actually, go check it out) McGucket -- @it-is-unseen (sorry for the ping i just got inspired)

Dipper's not sure why he's running or why his heart is beating so fast. He's panicking, and it's a familiar feeling at this point, spurred on by months of wandering the multiverse, months of seeing horrible things and not sleeping due to the pervasive nightmares.

But whatever he's running towards is worse, and he can't explain why it is, but he also can't shake the feeling.

Mabel, Mabel, Mabel, some part of his brain is whispering, the part that tells him when there's a monster behind him or when he's going to have a particularly bad nightmare. Mabel, Mabel, Mabel. She's in danger, isn't she? She has to be. He wouldn't be able to hear his heartbeat in his head if she wasn't.

And she's been so bad recently. So stressed and uncomfortable. She won't tell him what's wrong and it hurts because even if she says she trusts him, it doesn't feel like she does. It briefly crosses his head that she's protecting him, but he shakes that thought away. It's not that it's wrong - it's that he can't afford distractions right now.

The communicator in his vest screeches with feedback, and he follows it, turning it down slightly as it gets louder and louder, more staticky and more staticky, more and more persistant and keeps just getting loude-

Mabel.

She's standing in front of a man who looks like Fiddleford McGucket when he was younger. On the memories they watched. He's holding the memory gun to her head.

"Ready to forget, little lady?" he's asking, and Dipper's running, he's pushing himself as hard as he can go.

Mabel swallows audibly, or maybe she doesn't and he's just imagining it based on the little lump in her throat and the minute bob of her head. Her hands are shaking so badly he can see it as he runs towards her.

"Y-yeah. I think I-"

"MABEL," he's screaming, wedging his body between her and the young man McGucket, batting the gun away with one hand. His chest is facing her and he turns slightly to fix McGucket with a glare with all the rage in his tiny little body. So, so tiny, so helpless, so pathetic.

"Dipper?" Mabel asks, her voice breaking in a way that her voice never does. "W-what are you doing?"

"What am I doing? Mabel, what are you doing? That's the memory gun. Were you really gonna go behind my back like that? Just wipe your memory?"

"Dipper, you weren't supposed to be here, I-"

"

I wasn't supposed to be here? Oh, so you're upset at me for stopping you from wiping your memory? Mabel you know what that thing does to people. You were there when we got McGucket's memories back. That- that thing drives people insane! It does the same thing that drugs in movies always do. Do you wanna end up like Old Man McGucket? Mabel, I-I can't believe you. You went behind my back to do this. To wipe your memories. Would it have stopped here?"

"What are you-"

"Would you have just wiped this? Would you have wiped something else next?"

"No, Dip-dop, I was just gonna wipe this one thing."

"Oh, really? And you wouldn't wipe anything else? Bill possessing me? Gideon kidnapping you in a giant robot? Anything?"

"No, really."

"I don't believe you."

"Dipper, you don't understand," she pleads, her voice cracking. "I'm a wreck over this. I-I can't sleep, I can't eat, I can barely think." She lifts her shaking hands. "I'm a mess, Dipper, I need this. I just, I just need it this once. You don't understand what I've been through, what I'm struggling with."

"I don't understand? Mabel, I've seen shit too," he says, cursing without even thinking. Her eyes go wide but she doesn't stop him. "Do you know what I've been through? I haven't slept in literal months. Sure, I've tried, but that's no excuse for actually doing it. Mabel, I can't even touch you without being terrified you'll turn to bugs in my hands."

His hands shake as he lifts them, nearly as much as hers do, and a flash of panic rushes through him, the intrinsic fear of her dissolving into a mass of wriggling creatures, writhing in his hands.

He grabs her shoulders, holding her arms as steady as his own trembling ones can manage.

"We're both suffering, Mabel. I may not know what you're going through, but I can. I can learn. I can listen. Just- just tell me, Mabes. Let me into your messed up head."

"I..." she glances behind him, and belatedly he remembers that he shoved McGucket to the side to get to her. He glances at him to see McGucket with his arms crossed, tapping one finger on the memory gun.

"Are y'all done yet?" He makes a pointed expression. "I offered to help, not watch whatever this slop was. Little lady, do y'all want yer memory wiped or not?"

"I..." she glances back at Dipper. He's so close to her, and it's terrifying him but he does nothing but hold her closer.

Mabel stops shaking.

"Thanks for offering, Mr. McGucket. I... I think..." she takes a deep breath in. Her arms wrap around Dipper and he's so happy she's chosen him.

Then she's pulling him to her chest, one hand on the back of his head.

"I think you should do us both."

The memory gun hurts. He forgets it in seconds.

[chipped-chimera]

I am ... Idk man. I'm pissed. I'm sad. I'm angry. So the Green Neon Tetras I got absolutely came down with ich and there was so much fucking conflicting information out there ... well it delayed me treating it. Heck I was trying to just be sure I was seeing what I was seeing at first.

Anyway I've lost 3. I think it might be 4 this morning. By tomorrow I suspect it'll be two more. If any manage to scrape through it'll be down to 4. If I'm lucky.

Everyone else (Corycats, Starlight Bristlenose) are fine. Though the Corycats show some signs of being itchy, nothing's become visible and they were on the tank the day I started treatment. Yeah I know, quarantine tank yadda yadda. But considering a 100ml bottle of medication costs 40 bucks and I need to use it for 14 days minimum at 4.5 mL a day - no way was I doing two tanks. It's likely I'm going to run out soon and money is tight since this decided to happen right around me replacing my HDD.

I cried when the first one died. Now I just feel ... numb. My mood has been awful, which isn't looking great for my very expensive rTMS treatment - I'm literally at halfway today. I should have seen results. Instead I'm bouncing between hating myself and angry at everything else because information is so diluted and despite researching this tank for over three months straight, trying so goddamn hard not to fuck up - I fucked up. I know I shouldn't blame myself, but a part of me deep down does. Because maybe I was too stupid to realise on such tiny fish the situation was only going to get worse faster. Then I'm angry I feel stupid because the information isn't clear, or that I feel stupid for crying over a fish because that's what normal people think. I hate how everything is really affordable but then medicines are so prohibitive it'd be more cost effective to let them all fucking die. I hate how people regard fish as objects, decorations for their goddamn bathroom or some kind of 'investment' for rarer varieties, swimming in sterile tanks like their a goddamn floating gold bar - not a life. A living, breathing, thinking little life. That I let down. So yeah I'll fucking cry because no one else will.

This tank was supposed to be a source of relief while I went through this intense treatment but now it's just a trigger for me ruminating over and over. I worry with the tetra population so depleted it's going to cause them more stress making them more likely to die. I'm scared to do water changes, though I need to keep doing them.

I'm angry this parasite is so common it's considered to be encountered by anyone new to the hobby within 6 months, because it takes no prisoners - any kind of fish can get it. I'm angry research only revealed the possibility of a vaccine a few years ago, despite fish being the most owned pet globally. I'm angry the reputable, best aquarium shop in my entire city had tetra carrying this and there's jack shit I can do. I don't know whether to tell them or not even bother. Given the entire shop runs on what I suspect are the same sumps, it's likely everything has the risk.

Maybe I'm just stupid and this is all my fault.

I'll keep trying. I'll buy another 40 dollar bottle and treat them for the 14 days and aone more week just in case. I put too much work into this to give up.

[slippery-minghus]

ugh i've been really shirking my most basic responsibilities this week. sady needs to get fed wet food 2x a day, and because i get home at such an odd time (and have been taking my friends places literally every day this week) and i go to bed so early, i've just been feeding her once a day. and she's puked 3x already this week and it just occured to me that she's probably doing that bc she's all backed up because she's not getting her laxative enough (in the 2x daily wet food). and i just feel awful. she has something in her eye again too but last time that happened (also during another heat wave...? which is weird) but i didnt see anything in there when i checked. well anyway, i fed her before i left this morning. (i'm almost out of her food, too. i have various other backups but i need to get more of what i know she likes) and i was almost late to catching the bus. it would have been fine, i probably wouldn't have been late if i had taken the next bus, and my coworker is always late anyway, but it's still stressful.

i need to stop hitting the snooze button every goddamn morning and be a big boy and get up at 5:30 like i'm supposed to. i would have probably been able to take a (very sorely needed) shower this morning if i had gotten up when i was supposed to. and like, i fell asleep before 9 last night. i got PLENTY of sleep (for the first time in a while tbh) so those last ten minutes wouldn't really have been missed. but i am not a morning person. and as much as i love my job and refuse to resent it, i am not a morning person and i don't know if i'll be able to adjust to this. because i go home after work and i just fall into a haze and don't enjoy my precious free time at all. i'm just too tired to even think straight once i get home. and the fact that i made a propper dinner last night was a near miracle. i prefer to eat dinner around 8 or 9, but that's basically bed time! and by then i'm so exhausted anyway that eating isnt possible.

ugh well at least i start seeing my shrink again tomorrow. they can probably help me... i hope. if not, it'll still be good to talk about the other shit that's been bringing me down. like, yanno, that broken heart and the fact that i'm paying for all my shit now (i could probably ease into it but my brain is on fire and doesnt work like that) and i'm just panicking about not having enough money bc tbh i do cost more than i earn and i don't know how to budget without making myself panic more. and i also still want to have a life and i need some new clothes (not need. really want. i have plenty of clothes i just hate half of them). idk. i'm a mess. i'm hoping my shrink's new office is cool with me paying $10-20 per session bc tbh i cant afford more (even $20/week is pushing it) bc if not i'm screwed. i know it's sliding scale and gonna be cheaper but still. and i reallt wish i could see them two times a week right now while i get my head back in straight but i dont know if i can. it's expensive and theyre not at that clinic often and they have very limited space.

also i still need to figure out getting coverage for when my aunts come in a few weeks. i need to talk to one of the office guys to see if he can cover me for a day or so, because while i'm for sure gonna have a three day weekend that week, i really want to spend as much time as possible with one of my two aunts, because we're incredibly alike and while she doesn't have the education i do, (i educate my family on ptsd and trauma all the time. because we all have/experienced it) she's a brilliant person and incredibly talented, and i love talking to her. and who knows when i'll get to see her again after this....

anyway, i'm almost to my stop. i spent the whole bus ride writing this post... amazing lmao