#streaming this somehow did wonders for my productivity though

[emometalhead]

In case anyone's curious

[girlgenius1111]

new world

alexia struggles with the adjustments that come with parenthoodcw: angst + fluff, mentions of anxiety

------

Alexia liked to think of herself as a calm person. Good in a crisis. She always had a level head, regardless of whatever was going on. 

As she stood, though, cradling your newborn daughter in her arms, tears streaming down her cheeks, she felt anything but calm. She felt overwhelmed and terrified and happy and proud. Most of all, she felt love, filling her whole body, until looking down at Mila’s little face felt like all she could do, all she ever wanted to do. 

Alexia thought she knew love. She loved her parents, she loved her sister. She loved you, more than she could comprehend sometimes. This little baby in her arms, that had her eyes, she noted, was so indescribably perfect. Alexia knew her, somehow. Her tiny little nose, the wisps of hair on her head. The way her little hand barely wrapped around Alexia’s pinky. This perfect little baby that was hers, and yours, and she was so overcome with love for Mila, and love for you, that all she could do was sit. Sit, stare at her baby in her arms, and cry. Alexia wasn’t a crier, not really. Here she was, though. And she didn’t care. You and Mila mattered more than anything in the world ever had, and ever would again. 

“Ale?” You said groggily, pulling her out of her thoughts. She turned to you and the look of wonder on her face that had been there since she laid eyes on your baby girl for the first time remained, even now, a few hours later. You smiled sleepily, the drugs from the c-section making you rather exhausted, not to mention the numerous hours you spent in labor. “Come sit.” 

Your wife walked closer, sliding onto the hospital bed next to you. Mila looked absolutely tiny in her arms, and Alexia removed one arm to wrap around your shoulders, and carefully pulled you into her. “How are you, mi amor?” 

“Perfect.” You mumbled back, resting your head on her shoulder. She delicately kissed your forehead. 

“Perfect? Are you sure?” 

“Well, I just had my abdomen cut open and my organs briefly removed. But I woke up to see you holding our baby and I don’t think I’ve ever been this happy before. It got scary for a bit there.” You told her quietly, voice thick with emotion. Mila had been… rather reluctant to come out. You’d been in labor for almost a full 15 hours before the doctors decided you weren’t progressing fast enough, the baby was under stress from the position she was in, and they took you straight to surgery. It had been the most painful 15 hours of your life, and the scariest of Alexia’s. 

“I love you. And I am so proud of you, you did so well, mi niña, so well,” Alexia assured you, focusing on the feeling of having you both close to her, and not the anxiety still swirling around inside of her. 

She didn’t know, though, that the anxiety would remain. It wasn’t temporary, a product of her baby’s delivery. It was the start of an almost constant level of stress she faced. Because she felt new levels of love and happiness that day. And with that, came the fear that something would happen to take it all away. 

-------

Alexia remembered that day so well, the day Mila was born. The best day of her life. She remembered how scared she was. You’d promised her that with time, that fear would fade, and she’d fall into a more comfortable routine of having a tiny human being completely reliant on her. 

The fear didn’t fade. The terror whenever she thought something might be wrong with her baby girl didn’t fade. The anxiety didn’t go anywhere; if anything, it strengthened. Until there she was; sitting in her daughter’s nursery, 3 months later, knees pulled to her chest, just watching the baby sleep. It was the only time she felt calm anymore, really, when she had Mila, and preferably you, in her sight. Safe. If Mila was somewhere else, something might happen. If someone else was holding her, something might happen. If she went too far for a match, or didn’t call to check in enough, something could happen. And she wouldn’t be able to stop it, or fix it. It was a different kind of fear, Alexia realized. The overwhelming sensation that if something were to happen, to you or to Mila, it wouldn’t be something she could recover from. 

So, she stayed home with the two of you, as much as possible. Barring visitors for weeks, even her mom and her sister. If you were all together, under one roof, nothing could happen. It was alright, then, those weeks she had off for maternity leave. Eventually, though, they came to an end and Alexia had to return to training, return to her first love; football. And she still loved it, still needed it. 

But being away from the both of you was so difficult. She was anxious constantly, checking her phone constantly, near tears constantly. Mila was so small. Alexia could practically hold her in one hand. And the birth hadn’t been easy for you, nor had the postpartum phase. Leaving the house felt like leaving her sanity behind, and she didn’t know how to fix it. 

She thought she must be a terrible mother, if she was this scared all the time over nothing. She didn’t want to be a helicopter parent, but she couldn’t help being overprotective of her baby. She just wanted you both safe and happy. 

Which is how she found herself where she was now; awake in the middle of the night. Just watching your little girl sleep, feeling some semblance of relief knowing, visually seeing, that Mila was okay.

Until Mila started to breathe weirdly, in a way Alexia was sure she’d never heard before. Then, the familiar terror, increased about a 100x, filled her chest, and she was taking Mila into her arms, and rushing down the hall to where you were peacefully sleeping. 

------

“Amor! Wake up, please,” Alexia pleaded. You stirred, sitting bolt upright when you noticed Alexia had Mila in her arms. 

“What, what is it?” You asked frantically, taking in the absolutely terrified look on your wife’s face. Terror filled you and you rose from the bed, hovering over the baby. 

“Something is wrong, she is breathing weird.”

“Let me see.” You replied, taking Mila out of Ale’s arms easily and cradling her close to your chest. Nothing seemed amiss; she had the hiccups, something she’d had a hundred times. She was half asleep, gazing up at you through cracked lids, and one of her hands lazily moved, searching for your pinkie to grab on to.  

“Hey, little one,” you murmured, before turning your attention back to Alexia. “She has the hiccups?” 

You were slightly grumpy at being woken up for the hiccups, but your annoyance faded when you saw Alexia shaking her head rapidly, fighting back tears. 

“No, no, something is not right. She making a snuffling sound, it is not normal and I do not know what it is or when it started and I think we should take her to the hospital just in case because-” 

“Alexia, breathe.” You interrupted, beginning to understand what was going on with her. 

“NO, amor, please, we can just go please, let me put her in the car and we can go get her checked out.” Alexia cried, and you looked between her and the baby, wondering who needed you more at the moment. You decided it was Alexia, considering Mila had dozed back off. She wasn’t even hiccuping anymore, she was completely normal, completely fine. You placed her on the little cot next to your bed, the one she no longer slept in unless it was during the day, and you wanted her near you. 

“Amor, no we have to go,” Alexia wheezed, pulling gently at the back of your shirt. She was really panicking now, her mind seemingly in a million different places. 

Mila let you put her down easily, and you turned back to your wife, taking her face in between your hands. 

“Alexia, relax. It’s just the hiccups. Mila is fine, completely fine. She isn’t even making a sound anymore, she’s asleep.” She shrugged your hands off to step closer to the cot, looking intently at the slumbering baby. Alexia was rapidly breathing, her hands clenching and unclenching into fists at her side. 

“She is okay?” She asked quietly, turning back to you. 

“She’s fine, my love.” You assured her, opening your arms and letting Alexia fall into them easily. Even though she seemed convinced, now, that Mila was okay, she was still panicking, her rapid exhales hitting the skin of your shoulder as she tried to regulate her breathing. 

“Cariño, I do not know what is happening,” she whispered. “I cannot breathe, please do something.” 

Now Alexia was begging you to help her, and you felt your heart break a little at the fact that she was so clearly afraid for Mila she didn’t even think of herself until she was sure the baby was okay. 

“You’re okay, my love. Mila is okay, I am okay, and you are okay. We’re all fine, we’re all safe.”

“It does not feel safe,” she murmured, and you felt a teardrop hit your skin. 

“Oh, baby.” You sighed, pulling out of Alexia’s strong grip even when she tried to pull you back in. You picked Mila up, and she squirmed slightly, but her eyes fluttered shut again, and you turned to Alexia, holding your daughter out to her. “Take her.”

“Cariño,” Alexia began to object. 

“No, Ale, take our daughter.” You insisted, and Alexia relented, holding Mila close to her spasming chest. You wrapped your arms around the both of them, fitting your face into the crook of Alexia’s neck, gently stroking the baby’s head. 

“She’s okay, baby. She’s right here with you, where nothing can hurt her. Look at her, Alexia. She’s perfectly fine, right?” 

“Sí, she’s okay.” Alexia mumbled shifting Mila over to one arm, pulling you even closer with her other one. “And you are okay?” 

“I am fine, my love. You are okay, too.”

“I am okay too.” Alexia repeated, as if trying to convince herself of it. “It was just the hiccups.” 

You decided to push, just a little, even when Alexia didn’t take her eyes away from her baby in her arms. “She’s had the hiccups before, amor. What happened?” 

“I- I do not know. It seemed different.” Alexia sniffled. You weren’t used to seeing her this distraught. 

You were exhausted yourself, or you would have seen it sooner; the bags under Alexia’s eyes, the slump in her shoulders, the pacing, the anxiety that had completely taken her over. You saw it now, though, like a veil had been lifted in the dim room, and you saw how utterly broken your wife looked. 

“Ale, put her down for a second.” You encouraged. She frowned but did as you asked, her hands gently and expertly maneuvering Mila back into her little cot. “Look at me, please.” 

She turned to you, and you brought a hand up to cup her cheek. “You haven’t been sleeping.” 

“No.” She admitted. “Not a lot.” 

“Why?” 

“I like to watch her sleep.” Alexia said softly, her eyes flickering back over to Mila’s sleeping form, before they focused back on you. 

“Can you tell me why you’re staying up late, watching our baby sleep, instead of sleeping yourself?” You asked. Alexia’s eyes fluttered shut, and when they opened again, they were filled with tears. 

“I have so much fear, all the time. That something is going to happen, and I will not be able to protect her. I love her so much, it is terrifying, amor. I do not know how to be a mom. I do not know how to do this, and I feel like I am doing a terrible job. I just love her, I just want her to be okay,” she sobbed, burying her face into your shoulder. 

“Oh, Ale.” You sighed, pulling her back with you onto the bed until she was laying with her head on your chest, in between your legs. This had clearly been building up for a while, and there wasn’t much you could do while she was so upset. You let her cry into you for a few minutes, running your hands through her hair, and holding her close. The time gave you the opportunity to think, and decide exactly how you were going to approach this. 

“A few months ago, when I freaked out. When Mila wouldn’t sleep without me holding her, and I was so exhausted and anxious, and I convinced myself I was a horrible mother. What did you tell me?” You asked, feeling Alexia tense under you. It wasn’t a fond memory, you falling into her arms and crying, so hard, and for so long, you were almost sick. The worst part was that Alexia hadn’t noticed you were struggling. 

Alexia’s accent was thicker when she spoke, her voice raspy. “I told you that it is an adjustment, and nothing is perfect right away. You are a great mother. That when it is hard, you just need to ask for help, and I will be there.” 

“Does that not apply to you, too?” 

“It is different.” Alexia argued, but you shook your head. 

“No, it’s the same. You’re having a hard time. You need to talk to me, so I can help, not keep it all inside until you break. This is normal, Ale, having increased anxiety after becoming a parent, but you don’t have to feel like this. There are things we can do to make it better, you don’t have to handle it all yourself. Just like I don’t.” 

Your wife didn’t say anything for a while, just wrapped her arms tight around you, and pulled you closer to her. “I am sorry. I should have said something sooner.” 

Trying to get Alexia to be honest about her feelings was something you still struggled with, though she was much better than she had been when you got together. 

“It’s alright, baby. I know this is hard for you. You don’t need to be perfect. You’re doing so well, though, Ale. Juggling all of this with work. You’re so good with her, and I am so proud of you.” Your words were reminiscent of what Alexia had said to you in the hospital, a detail that wasn’t lost on either of you. 

Alexia’s face grew red and she turned slightly to bury her face in your shirt; only you could make her blush like that, and she hoped you never stopped.  “Te amo.” She murmured. 

“I love you, Ale. And so does Mila.” You promised. 

Almost as if on cue, Mila began to cry in her little cot, clearly awake and annoyed that her parents were nearby, and not holding her. Alexia rolled off you, but you shook your head, pushing her back down onto the bed as you picked up your daughter. 

“No, you need sleep. M and I will stay here with you, and you sleep, okay?” You climbed into the bed next to her, laying Mila easily on your chest. She settled instantly, letting out a content little sigh, and Alexia layed down too, her face level with the baby’s. She traced a finger over the small slope of the baby’s nose, over her little eyebrows. Sleepily, Mila reached for her Mami’s hand, happily gripping on to one of her fingers, her eyes fluttering shut. You watched with an almost overwhelming amount of love in your body as Alexia’s eyes shut, too, her hand connected with your daughter’s. Both of them safe, and happy, and perfect. 

--------

not super sure how i feel about this but thought it was a cute / angst mostly fluffy fic :) also... i'd def be down to write more about these 3!

[bugs1nmybrain]

Okay, I decided to wake up and choose violence, so here goes? Imagine? Shigaraki with a pudgy kindhearted girlfriend (quirk or quirkless) that he absolutely loves so much🥰 The two of them have been dating Since he first assembled the LOV, (or before than?) So, after the fight against Re-Destro both Re-Destro and trumpet found out that Shigaraki has a girlfriend. The both of them were very, very bothered and disturbed by it, because they think that the idea of him having a girlfriend would just get in the way of his plans? and when Shigaraki here’s about all of the negative things that they’re saying about his beloved and he LOSES IT! Like completely lost it 😱 and Confronts them about their bullshit And put them back in their place. 

with all my heart - Shigaraki x Fem!Reader

First off, AMAZING PROMPT! I love when people perceive Tomura as a lovebug because he IS

warnings: a mention of sex but no smut, fem-reader with she/her pronouns, swearing, the writing isn't cohesive and is totally off topic at first, white-haired Shigaraki, ANGSTY backstory about their love, kind of fluffy!!, short story, not proofread and likely has typos

Throughout all of Tomura Shigaraki's efforts to bring hero society to its knees, there has always been a deep-seated emptiness within him. It became painful for him, so much so that he would dig himself completely raw before falling asleep at night. He hated it. Even when he made progress and advancements in his goals, he felt hallow.

Until you made him feel whole.

You two met right after he had gathered the League together, by a very casual encounter. Tomura was known to go on walks at night when he felt frustrated, and so while he was trying to process all that was happening and the wonders his group was going to pursue, he stumbled upon you at the park.

Sobbing, he heard. It was startling, and he almost wanted to leave. He picked you out, though, huddled on a bench and shaking with your phone in your hand. You were wearing a pencil skirt and some graphic t-shirt, with eyeliner streaming down your face, and surrounded by literal broken hearts. Tomura felt a tug at his heart, somehow. He didn't understand it, and hated how much dread he felt while looking at you. He didn't understand why he resonated with you so much then until he had fought Re-Destro and the memories of his past awoken.

When you looked up at him, he felt stuck. He didn't want to leave, but he also didn't know what to do.

All he could manage was a mumbled, "Hey."

You had been kicked out of your parent's house because they didn't approve of your so-called "lifestyle." That "lifestyle" consisted of wearing fashionable clothes, not meeting their expectations even though you tried extremely hard to be productive, and above all else- you hated hero society. They hurt you emotionally to the point that you had contemplated horrible things, only to be thrown out. A so-called "snowflake" in their eyes, but when Tomura listened to what you had to say, he told you to "let it snow."

The way you warmed up to him ignited a protective and playful spirit in him. He instantly offered for you to live with him, which was hasty, but it would soon blossom into a sweet and beautiful relationship between the two of you.

You've told him many times about how he "saved" you, and to that he tells you to shut up, but never maliciously. He knows deep down that he feels warmth knowing that he could offer you safety, in his own crooked way. You did the same for him, he'd argue. You stuck with Tomura throughout all of it; when AFO was arrested and they had to live dirt cheap, when he was insistent on beating Gigantomachia, throughout all his meltdowns and bad moods, you were there to hold him and let him just be. After a long day of taking a beating and destroying what he could, he came back to you, and you'd make him whole again. He loved you so much.

So to hear this bird-faced baldy and snob politician with a pedo-stash talking shit on you? He was not having that.

-

Shigaraki lingered outside Re-Destro's office. He had the door closed, but he could tell he was talking to Trumpet. Shigaraki was going to approach him about buying the League (and you) a night out to the casino, but he couldn't help but eavesdrop.

"I never even expected Shigaraki to be able to have a romantic partner," Trumpet comments, almost impressed. "I can almost guarantee she's with him because she feels that she has no other choice."

"Either way, she's slowing down operations. I don't mean to question the Grand Commander, but-"

"He comes to meetings, clicks his pen with a few "uh-huhs" unless he's the one talking, and when the meeting is over, she's right outside the door," Trumpet continues.

maybe if you guys talked about shit I cared about, things would be different

"He strolls off with her, giving her the attention that he should be giving to the cause."

"Not to mention, her quirk doesn't have any practical use. Nothing that would help protect the cause."

(Your quirk was a fascinating one, and multifaceted, actually. When you were feeling emotions of love and adoration, you produced bubbly hearts around you. Their color depended on the context of love you felt. However, your quirk had an added bonus! Which was that when you loved someone deeply, their quirk had no effect on you.)

(I guess you could consider this like Eraserhead's quirk mixed with La Brava's. However, this quirk wouldn't work for characters with external quirks like Explosion, Electricity, or Fire, because those are produced as a substance and not as an on-contact quirk. So for her, quirks like Tomura's would apply, but so could Brainwashing, Erasure, Toga's quirk (I can't remember the name), Zero-Gravity, etc.)

"Maybe we could find a way to get Shigaraki to focus on the real mission. Draw her away from him, and have her see his true colors, that way her quirk loses its effect.."

Oh he had heard ENOUGH now.

Some childish spite in Tomura wanted to decay the whole door down and say "listen motherfuckers," but he did things the adult way. Sort of. So he waited until their conversation was over. Trumpet started to leave and turned the doorknob to be abruptly faced with Tomura's "oh you've done it now" smile.

"Oh-jesu-"

"Grand Commander! What is it you need? Did your weekly payment go through? Any mistakes? Let me know and I'll fix it!" Re-Destro exclaimed, half-genuinely at his awe of Shigaraki, and half trying to throw a bandaid over what he knew Tomura had heard.

"Oh, you're going to have to do a lot of compensation for the bullshit I just heard," Tomura grumbled, trying to go with intimidation rather than attack.

"I-I don't understand!"

"Re-Destro..." Trumpet cringed, knowing that Tomura was on their asses.

"But you understand so much, don'tcha?" Tomura turns the other way to face Trumpet, too. "And so don't you? How about I give you two some grand advice and say this: mind your own fucking business and if you have a problem with my woman, you're going to have to tally your asses off because she's NOT leaving."

"I don't mean to impose Shigaraki. It's just that she takes up quite a bit of your time."

"And how many of us are there to be attending to all the dirty work? Mr. "I'm-going-to-hide-up-in-my-tower-while-my-people-go-after-the-big-bad League of Villains?" Yeah, I'm sorry that you two are some miserable geezers who have to pay to get laid, but I'm not cutting corners with Y/N because you guys have some sticks up your asses. Get the hell over it."

"I-I understand, Shigaraki!"

Trumpet began to roll his eyes and excused himself to leave, and was immediately startled with another face he did not want to see.

"Hi babe!" Tomura smiled wide with puppy eyes when he saw you standing in the doorway.

"Hi Tomura," you smiled back, tiny pink hearts popping around you. The two older men could immediately sense the "love-bird" energy between the two of you and felt annoyed. You practically tip-toed your way into the room and stood beside Tomura awkwardly.

"How'd you know I was here?" Tomura teased, brushing your hair out of your face. He gave zero fucks about PDA right now. They deserved the discomfort in his eyes.

"I saw you up the stairs when I was looking for you. I woke up and you weren't in bed."

"Sorry, baby, I should've told you before I left. I was just coming up to Re-Destro's office to ask him something," Shigaraki slied while averting his attention over to Re-Destro. "You know, y/n's been telling me about how she really wants a PC."

"Oh, is that so?" Re-Destro fake laughed.

You simply nodded shyly, feeling put on the spot, but knew full well what Tomura was doing. You had ironically heard what Tomura was saying to them right after he was eavesdropping himself.

"Yeaaa. She wants a really expensive one, too."

You actually had only wanted a pretty standard one; you were humble. This was Tomura just pulling some extra strings for you.

"Is that too much, Re-Destro?" Tomura pestered. Trumpet snuck out and had been long gone by this point.

"Of course not! Just tell me the price and I'll make it happen."

"Thank you," you said quietly, though you and Tomura both knew that was meant for him and not Re-Destro.

-

When you and Tomura left Re-Destro's office, you headed back to your shared room. Tomura held your hand delicately, thinking about what they said before about trying to make your quirk ineffective toward him. A part of him feared that happening since you started dating, and their comments only reinforced that anxiety for him. You squeezed his hand tight in realization and continued to snuggle up on him like a clingy cat.

"You know I love you, right?" Tomura mutters.

"I love you more, Tomu" you bubbled with an infestation of smokey hearts blowing in his face.

"Jesus! Haha, I guess so.." he smiles, waving the hearts out of his face playfully with an instant frown following.

"What's wrong, Tomura?"

"Nothing. I mean, I guess I'm just angry at them, for saying those things about you."

"I hope I'm not a distraction like they said."

"What? No! Don't ever fucking think that, please. I swear, if they ever tell you that you're getting in the way, or try to turn you from me, I give you full permission to kill them. Or come to me, I'll do it for you. I love you."

"I love you, too."

"You already said that, dummy."

"You said it too!"

"Fuck," Tomura cackles, pulling you in tight for a kiss. "Did you know that you're my comfort character, y/n?"

"Oh really?" you laugh.

"Duh. You're my favorite person, and...you make me feel warm? Which means you're stuck in this bed with me until I say you can leave."

"Aye-aye, Grand Commander," you obeyed sarcastically, hearts fluttering around you too as he pet your hair.

"Good girl. I'm not letting any bald-headed asshole try to take you from me."

"They couldn't do that, Tomura. I love you too much."

"You said it again."

"And I'll say it a thousand times more," you said, kissing his cheek tenderly as you continued to hold him until your brand-new PC arrived at your doorstep (under 24 hour shipping! Thanks Re-Destro!).

[vanoincidence]

The Friendship You Cave || Van & Cass

TIMING: current. SETTING: cass's cave. PARTIES:  @magmahearts & @vanoincidence SUMMARY: cass invites van to her cave! CONTENT WARNINGS: none!

Van slid in through the small opening with Cass’s guidance. It took her longer than she would have liked for her eyes to adjust to the dim lighting, but once they did, her eyes widened in surprise at the sight of Cass’s home. She hadn’t exactly believed her friend when she told her that she lived in a cave, but standing in it now, it was hard to ignore. She looked over at Cass who had her back turned to her. There was some light streaming in above them that aided Van as she ventured further in, gaze sweeping across the sleeping bag and the boxes of comics. 

“This is so…” She didn’t know what it was, but cool came to mind first, despite the mild concern she had for her friend and the fact that she was sleeping in a cave. Especially this close to the abnormality, even if she didn’t exactly believe in all the terrorizing details people spread about it. Van glanced at Cass with a smile. “Cool. It’s like a video game, seriously.” She dropped into a crouch next to one of the boxes of comics, not touching them, but looking. She knew how serious some people could take their collectibles and she didn’t want to upset her friend. “You seriously live in here?” It was nice, being able to focus on something other than all the shit that’d been dredged up around her. Here, she didn’t have to think about the way she melted everything in her path. Here, she could be Cass’s friend and stare in wonder at her home. 

—

There weren’t many people Cass had intentionally shown the cave to. People had stumbled upon it, sure, and there were a very select few that she’d shown the inside intentionally, but the number was very small. Van seemed like a good person to add to the limited list, though. She was a good friend, and she hadn’t said it was weird or made fun of Cass when she’d told her she lived in a cave. She seemed to think it was pretty cool, actually; Cass liked that. She liked Van. Their friendship may have been born in tragedy, but it didn’t stay there. That was a good thing.

There was a hint of anxiety clinging to her as Van looked around, though, a quiet feeling that had her holding her breath and waiting to see how the sentence might end. When Van settled on cool as a descriptor and compared it to a video game, a bright smile spread across the oread’s face. She looked ecstatic, practically bouncing as she nodded her head. “I do, yeah!” She held her arms out, as if introducing the space. “It’s huge. Way bigger than a house or an apartment. And there are different caverns and stuff, like rooms! I have a bedroom, a living room. There’s one I call the kitchen. There’s not, like, a microwave, but it’s colder in there so I can put drinks in there and they won’t get hot. And there’s a stream that runs through it if you go deep enough!” She crouched down next to Van by the comics, scooting the box towards her. “You can look at them if you want. I have a bunch.”

—

Between Nora and Cass, Van wasn’t sure whose living conditions were more like a product of fanfiction. Even though she had offered either of them a place to stay since she had an entire house, Nora only came over to shower every once and awhile, and Cass would drop in to stay sometimes. That was enough for Van, because at least she could offer something. The house felt too big for her, and it was emptier now than it had been, especially with her grandmother gone. 

“Yeah, it’s a lot bigger than my place!” Her house was big, but not really, not if you actually looked at it. Maybe it was big to her because she had it to herself. The cave was wider, more spacious– less suffocating, somehow, despite the rocks. Van’s eyes widened slightly as Cass explained she had multiple rooms. “Wait, really?” She tried to look down one way, and then another, but struggled in the dim lighting. “It’s like having an outside cooler thing.” She nodded as if in some kind of approval. “Do you have really good blankets or something? How do you stay warm?” She wondered what Cass would do come winter time. Had she experienced a Maine winter? Van looked back down at the box of comics as Cass prompted her forth. She smiled slightly and began to flick through them, gasping slightly as she pulled out a cover with Black Cat on it. “I think she was my gay awakening, seriously.” That, and a handful of other women both in comics and video games.

—

It felt like praise, even if it wasn’t. That was the thing about growing up the way Cass had, at existing as an unloved thing; anything someone said to you that wasn’t outright negative felt like a compliment. Van said Cass’s cave was bigger than her house, and that wasn’t necessarily her saying that she admired it or envied it, but that was how the oread’s mind interpreted the words. Her grin grew even wider, and she had to remind herself to keep her glamour up, to not let her joy burn through and make her face light up in a more literal sense of the word. 

“Yeah!” She nodded, watching Van look down the ‘hall.’ It didn’t occur to Cass that her friend would be unable to see in the dark; Cass’s own eyes were just as sharp in the darkness of her cave as they were in the brightness of the sun. “It is! I could keep anything in there, and it would stay cold. I haven’t tried it with ice cream, though. That might be the exception. It’s not that cold in there.” Blankets? Cass shook her head. “No,” she said, before realizing that maybe she should have said something else. The magma in her veins warmed her pretty well, but most people didn’t have that. “I, um… I run hot, I guess? I don’t get cold very easily.” Not a lie. Definitely not a lie. She watched Van flick through the books, brightening when she found one of the old Spider-Man comics with Black Cat on the cover. “Oh, no way! She’s one of my favorites. Spider-Man totally doesn’t deserve her.”

—

“Yeah, and warm ice cream isn’t that good.” She scrunched her nose, thinking about how many times she’d fallen asleep with a tub of ice cream out while waiting for it to thaw. Van arched an inquisitive brow as Cass explained she ran hot, but decided to accept her explanation. She wasn’t sure how warm Cass ran, or if it’d be enough in the winter time, but maybe she’d be okay during the summer. Instead of asking more questions, Van dropped it. 

“He really doesn’t.” Van rocked back so that she was seated firmly on the ground. It was cold and hard beneath her and she started to wonder if Cass was actually comfortable here, or if she felt like she had nowhere else to go. Even though she had explained what happened to her parents, Cass hadn’t said too much about her own support system. Maybe they were kindred souls in that way– not only had death brought them together, but the fact that they’d both faced a form of abandonment, too. Van hadn’t explained what happened with her grandma, but she hadn’t felt the need to. “I really wanted to be her when I grew up.” She pressed her index finger against the cover and flipped through the pages before looking over to Cass. “But I guess I’m more like…” Her eyebrows pulled together, “Cindy Moon.” That made sense. The anxiety was there. She put the comic back and turned, her shorts scraping against the floor of the cave as she faced Cass. “Do you want to do anything?” 

—

“Definitely not,” Cass agreed. In all honesty, she hadn’t had a lot of ice cream prior to coming to Wicked’s Rest. Leila and Metzli were both fond enough of buying it for her here, but it wasn’t something she’d often gotten for herself in her life before the town. After all, it wasn’t feasible to store it anywhere when you lived on the streets, and a single-serving of ice cream wasn’t the smartest use of the limited funds she’d managed to gather through pickpocketing her way across the country. The few times she’d gotten it had been for the novelty of it, because she’d seen it on TV or in movies. She wasn’t even sure she’d ever had warm ice cream, but Van said it was bad and Cass would say anything if it meant Van might want to hang out with her more. 

Van settled into a seating position, and Cass quickly followed suit. The hardness of the cave floor went unnoticed by the oread; where Van had soft human skin that might protest the rocks and the dirt, Cass was made of stone. The glamour covering it was little more than a mask she could slip on and off as needed. It didn’t feel the way human skin felt. Sometimes, she wished it did. Leaning in to look over the familiar pages, she nodded her head. “Honestly? I kind of think Cindy’s cooler. I mean, don’t get me wrong, Felicia’s badass. But Cindy’s story is… unique. You know? And good. And relatable, in some ways. Plus, Cindy makes Pokemon references. That’s cool.” She flicked through the covers herself, humming. “We could just sit here and read comics, if you wanted. Or I could show you farther back in the cave? We could go to the stream.”

—

Van closed the comic she held and placed it gently back into the box. She looked up at Cass, a small smile pulling at the corners of her lips. “You think so?” Maybe Cindy wasn’t all anxiety and a broken heart, she could be other things, too. And Van liked to make references towards pop culture, maybe just not pokemon. It reminded her of her dad too much. “I guess you’re right.” She grabbed the edge of the box and peered back into it, but didn’t bother moving the other comics aside. Instead, she stared at the cover of the issue she’d just put back into it and chewed on her bottom lip. 

She wanted to be cool. Like Nora, or like Cass. She didn’t think she could be, though. Van couldn’t imagine giving up such comforts as a bed for the sake of doing whatever she wanted. Or her computer, for that matter. The thought was petrifying– to leave her home, despite it not feeling like a home at all. Cass’s voice broke through the onslaught of thoughts and she looked up at her, smile faltering slightly. “Wait, there’s a stream? That’s so cool!” Van pressed her hand against Cass’s knee as she got to her feet, dusting her butt off with her hands. She held out a hand to her friend, feeling like a kid more than she had in months. It reminded her of the night she and Teagan had watched movies. “Do you um..” She pulled out her phone and shook her head, “never mind, I’ve got a flashlight on here. How do you even see? Do you use like, a candle? That would be cool, but maybe a little dangerous.” Would it be? Probably, considering the abnormality sometimes gave off weird fumes.

—

“Yeah. Definitely.” Cass nodded her head adamantly, and the lack of nausea tugging at her gut meant she wasn’t lying. She liked Black Cat just fine, but there was something special about Silk. The time lost, the loneliness, the way she related to the world… It was a lot easier for Cass to understand than Felicia’s flirtatious back and forth with Spider-Man, even if Black Cat’s thievery was a little easier to grasp. 

She watched the way Van stared at the comics, marveling at the familiar uncertainty on the other girl’s face. It was so strange to think that Van, of all people, might feel uncertain. She seemed so effortlessly cool to Cass, like the kind of person everyone ought to want to hang out with. She had a house and a job, and people talked to her. She always seemed so sure of herself online, too. And she was funny. Cass admired her, really. She thought she might be better if she were a little more like Van, but maybe it could be enough to just be like someone Van liked. She grinned as her friend held a hand out to her, taking it and letting Van help her to her feet. “Oh,” she said, a little embarrassed at the fact that she’d forgotten that humans’ eyes didn’t quite work like oreads’. “Um, I think your eyes just kind of… adjust after a while. When you’re down here enough. You know? But I light candles sometimes.” It wasn’t a lie, though the candles she lit were more for atmosphere than they were for seeing. “I don’t think it’s dangerous or anything? There’s not a lot in here to catch fire as long as I make sure to light them far away from my stuff.”

—

Van’s gaze wandered the nature-created ceiling, admiring how the slabs of rock vaulted against one another to create an almost perfect shape. She made sure to keep the flashlight on her phone from hitting Cass directly in the eyes. “I’m really clumsy, even if my eyes do adjust.” She let out a small laugh as she pointed the light towards the floor. This was so much easier than being worried about the things other people said. About what that boy in the common had said, or about the whispers that followed her and Nora away from the coffee shop. This was nice. Cass was nice. She liked Cass, and as much as she hated what had happened and how traumatizing it was, she was glad that Cass was there with them, not because she had wanted something terrible to happen to her, but because… well, just because. 

It felt a little selfish, and Van knew she should have wanted the opposite– to take the risk of not knowing Cass at all for the sake of not having murdered someone, or being attacked for that matter, but she couldn’t bring herself to think that way. “Good point.” She bit her lip and motioned for Cass to go first, not really sure what direction she should head in. 

—

“I can make sure you don’t fall.” She offered Van her arm, and she wondered if there was more she could do. She’d made rockslides in the caves before, whether by accident or intentionally, but she didn’t think the opposite was entirely possible. She wished it were. She wished she could make the terrain easier to trek, wished she could make the ground a little more even so Van wouldn’t trip. She wished she could make her world easier for other people to live in. Maybe then, more people would stay.

But Van was here now, rough terrain and all. She was pointing her flashlight at the floor, she was talking as they walked. They had this terrible thing binding them together, this awful secret and this restrictive promise to keep it, but Cass didn’t think she’d trade it. She knew that was selfish. Someone died because she and her friends killed them. Someone’s body was rotting at the bottom of a pit, and she was showing Van to the stream. She was talking about ice cream, she was giggling, she was light. She thought she should feel bad about that, thought she should feel more guilty about not feeling guilty. But it was hard to, in moments like this. In moments like this, she just felt… okay. She didn’t want to know what it said about her.

Offering Van a smile, she moved towards the stream. She walked slower than she would have had she been alone, made sure to look back. “It’s not too far,” she promised. “Really just a little ways. And worth the walk. It’s so cool.”

—

Van grabbed onto Cass’s arm without further prodding from her friend, knowing that her feet would be untrustworthy over the unfamiliar terrain. 

She followed Cass’s steps, careful and unsure at first, but eventually finding the confidence to keep up with her friend’s pace, even if it was probably slowed down for her. Van nodded at Cass’s reassurance that it wasn’t too far from where they currently were. The light from the entrance of the cave eventually dimmed, and Van found herself blinking to keep up with the descent into darkness. She scanned the flashlight over each rock she stepped over, somewhat afraid that she might take her friend down with her. 

She could hear the stream before she could see it and she tugged on Cass’s arm. “I can hear it! That’s so cool!” Van wasn’t usually one for outdoors, and maybe it showed, but this was Cass’s home, as weird as it was, and she wanted to be respectful and excited. For a moment, she could pretend to be a girl wandering Wicked’s Rest in search of adventure, not escape. She flashed her phone in the direction she thought the stream was, but a wall became illuminated instead. Maybe it was the echoes? “Do you sing in here a lot? I bet it carries over crazy good.” 

—

There was trust in the way Van took Cass’s arm, and the oread wasn’t entirely sure how to react to that. She felt warm inside in a way she usually didn’t, smiling in a way that was largely hidden by the darkness of the cave. Carefully, she led Van through the cave, slow at first and then a little faster when her friend seemed to gain confidence. It got darker the further they went, though Cass hardly seemed to notice. Her steps were just as confident far from the sunlight streaming into the cave as they had been at the front near the entrance, and she guided Van carefully around the rougher parts of the terrain.

As they got closer, the sounds of the stream began to cut through the silence, and Cass grinned at Van’s obvious excitement. “Right? Just wait ‘till you see it! It’s really neat.” The stream was around a bend, not close enough to be seen just yet. But the sound? That carried for a while. “Oh, I don’t really sing. But that’s a pretty good idea, actually! Maybe we should have a karaoke night in here one day? I bet that would be really fun.”

—

Van hadn’t realized it until after holding onto Cass’s arm for a little while, but she did run a lot warmer than normal. She didn’t say anything about it, just kept her grip on her friend so that she wouldn’t tumble and possibly bust open her knee. She realized then, that this was how horror movies started. Going into a place they had no business of exploring– alone, for that matter. But Cass lived here, and she said she knew the cave, so Van had to trust her on that. As anxious as she would, she tried her best to push it down. 

“Karaoke night in a cave?” She thought about cartoons and how loud sounds could potentially cause a cave in. “Maybe.” Van followed Cass like a lost puppy, fingers digging slightly into the fabric of her shirt as they rounded the corner. Her eyes lit up as she saw the stream, bubbling and fast, like out of a movie. “That’s so cool!” Surrounding the stream were small plants, like nothing that Van had ever seen before. “Are those glowing?” She turned to look at Cass, eyes widening slightly as she pulled her friend forward, stopping just at the edge, feet firmly planted on the rocky surface beneath her. “I can’t believe you live here.” That, of course, was for a few reasons. She still couldn’t wrap her head around how somebody could live in a cave alone, especially in Wicked’s Rest (even if she didn’t believe the town’s demented lore). “Thanks for showing me this, it’s gnarly.” 

—

The idea of a karaoke night in the cave with her friends, now that it had cemented itself in Cass’s mind, seemed like the greatest plan she’d ever come up with. She could imagine them all so clearly — Nora, who would probably pick the weirdest song she could think of, Van, who could bring the guitar Cass had seen in her living room, Thea, who might be a little apprehensive at first but could open up as they went on, Ren, who probably wouldn’t understand it but might try for them anyway. Maybe Ariadne would want to come, too, and Wynne. She’d never had friends to invite to a night out before; the idea of doing so now was more intoxicating than the fear that they might not accept her living situation or the territorial nature that came with being a nymph. “We could do snacks,” she said, hoping this might sell Van on the idea. Van liked snacks.

As they moved around the bend, the stream came into view and Van’s excitement became palpable. It was impossible for Cass not to feel the same, the quiet thrill of providing a cool experience to her friend warming her body. “Yeah!” She confirmed, letting Van pull her towards the water. “It’s, like, the best place to live. I come down here a lot.” She bathed in the stream sometimes, though she didn’t say as much to Van for fear that the other girl might find it strange or gross. “Oh, you don’t have to thank me. I wanted to show you. I think it’s cool, and I think you’re cool, so I thought it would be good to show you.”

—

Cass seemed excited by the throwaway comment and Van tried her best to dispel the possibilities of a cave-in. Maybe Cass knew something about the cave that she didn’t. But would that make sense? She wasn’t so sure, but thinking about it too in depth only make things more confusing. Van nodded instead, a smile pulling at the corners of her lips. “Snacks sound good, too. Gotta make sure we get ones that don’t make it hard to sing, though. So no cheese.” Disappointment colored her tone and she dropped into a crouch just beside Cass, careful not to get close to the water. The stream wasn’t huge but there was no telling where it led to. 

“You think I’m cool?” An involuntary laugh left Van as she peered down at the rushing water, only illuminated by the surrounding plants and mushrooms. Or, at least, that’s what she thought they were. Van wondered if Cass had planted them, or if they were plastic. She had said she used candles, maybe these were like those. As much as she wanted to reach out and touch them, she refrained. It took immense self control, but she didn’t want to upset Cass by moving her things around. “I don’t think I’m cool, but I do think you’re cool.” It felt weird, navigating friendship. Most of her relationships had been online, and though the mark on her stomach was a stark reminder of why she and Cass stood in next to the stream in the first place, Van felt somewhat responsible for the longevity of hers and Cass’s friendship. They had to work for it, the both of them. That meant something. “Most people just think I’m weird.” That was opening a can of worms on its own, so she quickly amended, “because I play a lot of video games. Obviously.” 

—

“Does cheese make it hard to sing?” Cass had never had that problem before but, then again, Cass had also never actually tried to sing immediately after eating cheese. Maybe it was a universal experience she’d missed out on, one of those silly human things she’d never known she was supposed to try. There were so many of those and, often times, she didn’t realize it until someone brought up the fact that she’d missed it. Most of her understanding of humanity came from the media she consumed, and there was so much they didn’t focus on. Who knew high school involved watching educational videos and reading from textbooks? On TV, it was all prom and house parties.

Adamantly, Cass nodded in response to Van’s question. The disbelief in her friend’s tone was a little sad, because it was so unearned. Of course she thought Van was cool — who wouldn’t? “You’re, like, one of the coolest people I know,” she replied, wholly honest. “Really? You think I’m cool?” The thought was exhilarating. She’d never considered herself ‘cool’ by any stretch of the imagination, but if Van thought so? Maybe it wasn’t so far-fetched. And she didn’t think Van was lying about thinking this way; after all, she was here, wasn’t she? In Cass’s cave, letting Cass lead her around. There was trust here. Companionship. She’d never really had that before. “I don’t think it’s weird to play video games. I like video games.” Granted, she’d only ever gotten the chance to play video games a time or two, but… she did enjoy them. “Maybe we could play some together sometime. You’ll be better than me, but that’s okay.”

—

“Yeah, because of lactose intolerance.” That’s what she thought it was, or maybe it was something else. It made sense to her, because every time she had cheese, she had to clear her throat a lot, but it never mattered to her. “There are non-cheesy snacks, but we can totally have cheese for when we’re done singing.” Van thought about Thea and how she said she got gassy. “Never mind, maybe. Only fake cheese.” 

Van wondered what she had done to obtain either Ren or Cass’s respect. Most people would turn their nose up at her. With Thea and Nora, it made a little more sense. She and Thea were a lot alike, and she had known things about Nora before she was Nora from WIcked’s Rest, even if it hadn’t been well. There was something about knowing somebody before you murdered together that made it easier, she guessed. Even if it was weird to think about, and the details on her meeting with Nora in New York was a little fuzzy. But Cass thought she was cool, and Van found herself puffing her chest out. “Yeah, I think you’re cool.” Maybe it’d be easier to think of herself in Cass’s shoes. If Cass said people thought she was weird and that she didn’t think she was cool, Van would be confused, too. “We can definitely do that! I play a lot of single player games, but I have a few we can play together.” She tapped her fingers against the cave’s floor before side-stepping to turn around, looking up at Cass while still crouched. “We can play card games again, too.” 

—

“Oh.” That made more sense. Cass knew about lactose intolerance — she’d seen it mentioned on TV. She didn’t really know what happened when a lactose intolerant person ate cheese, only that they really wanted to but weren’t allowed. “They make fake cheese? I didn’t know that. We can totally have fake cheese.” Where did you buy fake cheese? Or, more likely, where did you steal fake cheese? She made a note to find out.

When she’d broken into that supermarket looking for something to eat, she’d never imagined what she’d come out with. It was half horrible and, selfishly, half exhilarating. Debbie was dead, and that was never going to be anything resembling okay. They’d killed a girl their own age and left her to rot in a pit, and that was so, so hard to come to terms with. But look at what she’d gotten out of it! She wished she could change the circumstances of their first meeting, but she’d never wish she didn’t know Van. Not with the way she smiled, not with how she trusted Cass to lead her through the cave. This was good. And maybe this was allowed to be good. Maybe it was okay to be okay with it. “I could just watch you play, too,” she offered. “I like that, too. I like it when the games have stories, when it feels like a movie. I think it’s cool.” And the idea of playing card games again, the same way they had the last time she’d visited Van’s house? “That would be great! I had a lot of fun with that the first time.”

—

“Yeah, for vegans and stuff.” Van could never be a vegan. She respected them, as long as they weren’t dumb, but she wasn’t sure she could follow that lifestyle. “Sometimes I guess it’d taste real, but most of the time it tastes bad.” She scrunched her nose. “I haven’t had it in awhile, but it hasn’t ever been good. Maybe they’ve invented some new kinds that taste like real cheese. Then we can eat that and sing no problem.” Even if she had to constantly clear her throat, she would still sing, it’d just be annoying. She wasn’t sure why she was carrying on the conversation about cheese. 

As much as Van wanted to take Cass up on the offer to just watch her play games, she knew she should be fair. She’d been told that not sharing her things was a symptom of being an only child, and while she didn’t think that Cass had any siblings to speak of, it was probably nicer to offer anyway. “We can take turns,” Van decided with finality. She nodded as if to make the wordless pact. “The games that feel like movies are a lot of fun, yeah, it’s nice to get immersed in the story and stuff.” She brushed her hands off on her sides as she got to her feet. “I wonder if anyone else has better board games. I looked after we hung out that one time and most of the pieces in mine are missing.” There were notes, too, from her parents, or her grandma– on the notepads that the games provided. Mostly numbers, or little doodles here and there. They were painful to look at, so she had thrown them out. “I’m sure we can figure out something.” 

—

“Right.” Vegans were different than vegetarians, weren’t they? Cass knew, on some level, that the two weren’t identical… but she didn’t know exactly how. And she was a little embarrassed to ask, because most people would have known it, right? Most people understood things like that. She didn’t think Van knew that she wasn’t human, and she didn’t really want her to find out. Van liked her now. She didn’t want that to change. “Maybe we should do, like, a taste test! Get all the different kinds we can find and rank them to see which is the best.” That would be a fun group activity, wouldn’t it? The whole lot of them bickering about their tastes, but laughing while they did it. Cass could just see it in her mind.

Taking turns sounded nice, she decided, like Van was thinking of her entertainment alongside her own. Cass didn’t think many people had done that for her throughout her life. At best, she was usually an afterthought. It was so different with Van, who made a point to make things work for her, and it was hard not to grin. “Okay,” she agreed, “we can take turns.” She looked into the stream, content in the brief quiet before Van continued. “I bet Thea has some,” she replied thoughtfully. She doubted Nora or Ren did, and she didn’t have any herself. But she could always get some. “I could get some,” she spoke the thought aloud, “if we know which ones we want. Monopoly might be fun?” She’d heard those games lasted a long time, which was part of why she’d suggested it. She wanted to hang out with her friends for as long as they’d allow it.

—

“Oh wait, that would be fun…” Van’s mind wandered with the possibilities. Of different chips, drinks, and assorted snacks. She wondered if she should make the trek to Portland to go to the local grocer there and get the snacks her mom would give her when she was a kid. She couldn’t ever find them in Wicked’s Rest. Cass and the rest of them would probably like that. “Do you think we’d be able to bring it all over here?” She didn’t want to trash Cass’s cave, but the thought of having a mass cleaning after a party in it reminded Van a little too much about the grocery store and Debbie’s body. 

Van nodded absentmindedly, gaze following Cass’s to the stream. “Yeah, she probably does, doesn’t she?” She would need to make a note to ask her, even if the last time she’d seen her she had been covered in blood. “Monopoly?” She shook her head, “no that one is really boring and you have to do math and ugh– I count so much money at work already.” Not really, but she had always hated monopoly. “What about something like Ticket to Ride?” It wasn’t that popular of a game among people who didn’t usually play boardgames, but it was a fun one regardless, and it didn’t take that much time to play. “We can figure it out, we don’t need to think about it right now.” She patted Cass’s arm, doing her best to not focus on how warm she was. The urge to ask if she had a fever rose, but she pushed it back, remembering that her friend had just explained she ran warm. “The stream is really cool, is there other stuff here, too?” 

—

“As long as we clean the trash up after.” As much as Cass longed to have friends in her cave keeping her company, she couldn’t stand the thought of litter on the floor. The very concept of it made her feel a little nauseous. Even if she wasn’t very good at it, she was still a nymph, and this cave was still her domain. Letting anyone mess it up was something that went against her very nature. But she knew that her friends wouldn’t do that. She trusted them so much more than the nymphs back in her aos si would have ever allowed, believed in them with so much more readiness than most fae thought humans deserving of. They’d clean up their trash if she asked them to.They’d understand the importance even if they didn’t understand the details.

Nodding, she thought of Ariadne. Van knew her, too, she’d said. “We can invite Aria, too. I know she’ll have some.” Ariadne, despite being a mare, was the most human person Cass knew. If anyone would have board games lying around, it would be her. “Oh, is it? I’ve never played before, but if you say it’s boring, I’m probably not missing much. I haven’t heard of Ticket to Ride, though. What is it?” Quite frankly, Cass would agree to any game Van wanted to play so long as it meant she’d be allowed to play it with her. She had no backbone, someone told her once; she’d never known if it was supposed to be an insult or not. “Yeah, we can always decide later,” she agreed, a thrill of excitement running through her because that meant there would be a later. More hangouts, more time spent together. “There’s a lot of stuff in here. There are some openings that go up into the mines, little tunnels to other caves… some of it’s kind of hard to get around in, though. You’d probably want to come back another time with, like, different shoes or something.” She’d never let Van get hurt or lost in the caves, but there were some things that she was worried might freak her friend out. Bones, supernatural plants and animals, bits of the mineral abnormality crawling up the walls. It was best to go slow with these things, wasn’t it? She didn’t want to scare Van off.

—

“Oh, yeah! We’d definitely clean, and if anyone said they didn’t want to, then…” Van dragged her finger against her neck and stuck her tongue out of her mouth, tilting her head to the side. It was maybe a little too literal, considering what happened to Debbie, so she straightened up slightly. “But we’ll definitely clean, don’t worry about that.” She might not have been very good about cleaning up her own house, but that was because she was the only one there. Well, used to be there. Now, Nora came over for showers and Cass came over to watch movies, and at some point Ren would help her with her garden. She’d need to keep it clean, she realized, so that her friends didn’t get grossed out.

“Aria?” It took her a moment, but Van nodded. “Oh! Right, yeah.” She was a little uneasy about inviting people who didn’t know about Debbie, because what if somebody let something slip? What would happen then? The thought made her sick, especially because Ariadne always seemed like a good person, the kind of person who might tell on them if something like murder came to pass. “That would be fun.” She tried to keep her expression neutral, but it faltered slightly. “It’s a game about trains! You want to go from one part to the other. It’s kind of like a kid's game, the rules are super simple, but it’s fun.” She was just glad that Cass seemed to not care much about monopoly now. Those weren’t important right now, though, and Van wanted to focus on the present. Between the rush of the stream, the glowing mushrooms and Cass’s smile, she wanted to see more. It was a little funny, she thought. For some reason she had thought she’d be more afraid, being this deep in a cave system. “To the mines?” Her eyes widened slightly and she shook her head. “I’d rather stay away from those, if that’s okay.” She’d heard way too many stories, and after the rumbling she’d heard on the beach, she wasn’t sure if they were very safe. She looked down at her shoes and frowned. Her converse were a little busted, but they were reliable. “Yeah, you’re probably right. This is still really cool.” She motioned back to the stream. How many more times would she say that stupid word? 

—

Cass giggled a little at Van’s display. Van was funny, she’d learned. Online and in person, she always seemed to know the best thing to say to lift the heavy weight off Cass’s chest, always seemed to understand what the nymph needed to hear. Van told her not to worry, and Cass found that she wasn’t. The very idea of worrying when Van told her not to seemed silly, seemed stupid. If Van said everyone would clean, everyone would clean. Cass had no doubt about it.

She furrowed her brow at Van’s response, sensing something there, though she wasn’t sure what. Weren’t Van and Ariadne friends? Hadn’t Van said they’d known each other for ages now? Surely she wouldn’t be upset by the idea of Aria joining their ‘party,’ right? Maybe she was worried about the Debbie of it all, though Cass knew she didn’t have to be. With the promise in play, none of them could spill their secret. Cass thought about telling Van as much, but she held back. If Van didn’t know she’d been bound, Cass didn’t really want to tell her. She still remembered how angry Metzli had been when they realized she’d bound them. She didn’t want to repeat that with Van or with Nora or with anyone. “Trains? That sounds fun. You’ll probably have to teach me how to play.” And Ren, because Cass highly doubted that the other nymph had ever played a board game before. Quickly, she nodded her head. “Yeah, it’s best to stay away from there.” Even Cass had only been in the mines a handful of times, and if it was dangerous for an oread… She’d like to make sure Van stayed far, far away. She grinned as Van said again that the stream was cool, nodding her head. “You know, um, if you wanted, we could get in the stream. It’s not very deep, but you can wade in it.”

—

Even with the anxiety surrounding inviting people who didn’t know about what happened in the grocery store, Van had to believe that Cass would ever only do things with good intentions. It wasn’t like she wanted to get caught, either. Because if she did get caught, then things would end badly for all of them. Van chewed on her bottom lip as Cass expressed interest in Ticket to Ride. There were other games, too, but she’d been told to never play Catan with people ever again, mostly because she got too competitive. “That’s okay! I don’t know if the others will know how to play either.” She smiled softly at Cass before sticking her thumbs into the front pockets of her shorts. 

“I don’t really like cold cramped spaces.” She paused, “but this is totally different. It’s wide open, and there’s this cool stream, and things kind of echo.” Van smiled at Cass, her eyes widening slightly as she offered a dip in the stream. She looked over at the rushing water, uncertainty pulling over her like a blanket. “In the stream?” Van echoed back her friend’s words, gaze wandering over the bubbling water and glowing plant life.” What if something bad happened when they got in? What if something melted like it had been? She didn’t want to be responsible for ruining Cass’s home, but it did look fun, and Cass had told her it wasn’t dangerous. But she didn’t think she could, not right now, not with everything that had been happening. “That’s okay. Maybe another time. Maybe we can just hang out?” 

[crissiebaby]

DiapOut: Chapter 3

“Sup, nerds! It’s ya girl, AyayaGirl, and I’m behind the scenes of a super cool new show!” Spinning slowly to show off the entire green room and all the contestants waiting to start the game, Ayaya decided to take advantage of the downtime to stream on TikTok to her tens of thousands of fans. Rushing over to where Mia and Misa were sitting and chatting, she shoved her phone into Mia’s face and continued her monologue, “And looks who’s with me! Everyone’s favorite Baby New Year! Don’t be shy and say hello!”

Shrinking down in her chair, Mia did her best not to appear embarrassed by this interaction, a feat made difficult thanks to her rosy cheeks. “Hey there, I’m… *sigh* I’m the Baby New Year and we’re going to have some fun today,” she said, grimacing as she said it. Having been in the spotlight for the better half of a year, she knew that trying to deny and deflect only resulted in harsher teasing from her “adoring” audience. As stupid as it seemed, paying lip service to her 15 seconds of fame was somehow more empowering than trying to deny it happened at all.

Jumping into frame with Mia, Ayaya was more than thrilled to have her lolcow back in her clutches for an entire day. “We have such fun together, don’t we? And you somehow always end up padded one way or another!” she said, panning the camera down to show off both of their fluffy diapers.

Mia instantly scurried away from Ayaya. Even though she was about to step out in front of dozens of live studio cameras, something about having her padded status exposed on the internet beforehand felt invasive. 

Not to be deterred, Ayaya began posing on her own, showing off her diaper in a series of sensual poses. “I wasn’t too sure when the producers said I’d have to be diapered too, but who am I to turn down a friend in need,” she said as if she wasn’t the one who orchestrated their appearance on the show. 

Jumping into the shot with Ayaya, Lelaya was also eager to show off her pampers. Being the diaper fashionista that she was, it was never an inappropriate time to put her padding on display. “These aren’t usually as thick as the ones I wear at home, but I suppose it's only fair that I wear the same as everyone else,” she said proudly as she and Ayaya continued to pose together to the plethora of adoring fans watching live.

After about a minute of diaper voguing, Ayaya flipped the camera around on her phone and took aim at Kyoko, Zeke, Cade, and Rupert, “You see the four of them? Those are the diaper dorks we’re playing against today. These losers don’t know what’s about to hit ‘em,” she whispered, keeping her voice down so as not to start drama before the show. She watched gleefully as the stream chat spammed obscene emojis and vitriolic language. What a wonderful place the internet is.

Saving perhaps the best for last, Ayaya swung the camera around to sneak a peek at Misa’s diapered rump. “Get that camera out of my face,” she said, still a bit on edge to be seen in a diaper, even if it was just for laughs in a game show. 

“It’s not in your face, it’s in your butt!” shouted Lelaya, her words providing Ayaya with the encouragement to keep going, “Well…ON your butt. It’d be pretty uncomfy if her phone was IN your butt!”

Before Misa’s anger could get the better of her, the production manager in charge of guests entered the green room. “Yellow team! Brown team! Please come gather around,” said the production manager, her words quick and precise, “Okay, my name is Keelee, and I’m going to be your liaison for today’s show. Things are going to be moving pretty fast once we get on set, so if you ever have any questions, you can always find me on set wearing the green hat.” She tipped her cap to the others, showing off what to look for.

Raising her hand, Ayaya already had a specific question in mind, “Hey, Keekee, am I allowed to bring my phone with me? I’d love to get some exclusives for my blog.”

“It’s Keelee,” said the overworked production manager, her smiling eyes shooting daggers at the vlogging gamer, “And I’m sooo sorry, but the use of personal devices on set is prohibited.” Before Ayaya could protest, she snatched the phone out of her hand and placed it in her back pocket.

“Hey! That’s m-” yelled Ayaya, before being cut off by a round of justified shushes. Neither Mia, nor Misa, nor even Lelaya wanted to get booted from the show for Ayaya’s antics.

With that matter settled, Keelee turned to her clipboard. “Alright, back to business. When we enter the set, I’ll need the team captains to join Cassidy in the center of the sound stage. The others will form a semi-circle behind them. Both myself and the director will help you get set up,” she said, rattling off information at lightning speed.

Turning to the brown team, Keelee continued, “Messers, have you made a decision on team captain?” she asked, catching the group of four a bit off guard that their team’s nickname was “the Messers.”

“As President of the WET Diaper Lovers Club, I will be the captain,” announced Kyoko, earning a rowdy applause from her three cohorts.

Taking a note on her clipboard, Keelee responded, “Excellent, I was going to recommend you anyway. Audiences respond well to confident female captains.” She then turned her attention to the yellow team. “As for the yellow team-”

“No need to ask,” said Ayaya brashly as she brushed her hair over her shoulder, “If anyone here knows how to handle the burden of the spotlight, it’s me!”

A withering smirk crept across Keelee's face. “Actually, what I was about to say was your team captain has already been decided,” she said, looking past Ayaya and pointing to Mia, “Producers want the Baby New Year to handle the burden of the spotlight.”

Steam began rising up from Ayaya’s head, causing Misa and Lelaya to take a step back from their obviously pissed-off friend. Mia, meanwhile, was blushing up a storm at the prospect of being her team’s spokesperson, and for such an embarrassing reason no less. “D-Do I really have to? Ayaya and Misa both have a lot more experience with public speaking,” she said, hoping to shrug off this responsibility onto someone who actually wants it.

“Sorry, but them’s the breaks kid. Our producers would throw a fit if we placed the STAR in the background,” said Keelee, doing her best to boost up Mia’s confidence while also sneaking in a jab at Ayaya. Sneaking a glance using her peripheral vision, she ate up the visibly annoyed and upset diva’s expression.

“Two minutes to places!”

The voice over the loudspeaker left no room for confusion. It was time for the games to begin. “That’s our cue. Everyone, fall in line,” said Keelee as she led the group pied-piper style out of the green room and into a dimly lit hallway. With each step the eight contestants took, they could feel their anticipation building. Unlike future players, they had almost no idea what awaited them once they reached the stage.

Eying her competition, Kyoko looked Mia up and down, gathering as much information as she could. To the unobservant eye, things like posture, hand position, and eye contact might not mean much. But to Kyoko, they were tools for better understanding her rivals. “Good luck out there today,” she said to Mia, making sure to keep her eyes locked on the hallway ahead of her.

“Same to you,” said Mia, doing her best to hide how nervous she was. Grabbing the sides of her diaper, she lifted it up higher on her waist, her face flushing as she did so. Blocking out the humiliating thoughts that permeated her mind, she did her best to focus on the cash prize waiting at the end of the tunnel.

Walking directly behind the two captains, Ayaya was still fuming over the disrespect that Keelee had shown her, in front of everyone no less. Didn’t that bitch know who she was? She never would’ve agreed to come on and be in this stupid diaper-dork show if she wasn’t going to see her name in lights. She wasn’t certain how yet, but she was going to make sure to steal back the spotlight, one way or another.

Reaching a set of tall, metal double doors with a red light hanging above it to signal that production was ongoing, the eight contestants each braced themselves as to what they would see on the other side. “Remember to chatter to a minimum,” said Keelee, reminding the players that they were merely guests stepping into a moving engine designed to operate around them. Waiting not a moment longer, the production manager pushed the doors open, inviting the eight lucky competitors into the studio.

TO BE CONTINUED…

« PREVIOUS l FIRST l NEXT »

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Heyyo! Can't wait until next week for more DiapOut!? Subscribe to my Patreon, where you can get early access to main series chapters like this one, as well as exclusive content you won't find anywhere else! Join my dollhouse at patreon.com/crissiebaby!

Edited by AllySmolShork

[cracksofmtdoom]

Well nothing shocking here. It is 4 am and I’m up. Still got a bit of crack. Well not exactly but at least a hit or two. Yay!! It has now become nearly impossible to see any way out of this mess. Both of us are just doing the wrong thing over and over and over. I had really hoped that she could be strong enough to keep me from falling further. Be the rock that I really need. But she has instead followed me down this pit of failure and pain. It hurts me badly to see her in this state. It takes a heavy toll on her physically and mentally. She does not take proper care of herself. We have a void between us. The drugs cause the same goddamn problems each and every time. And the stress of having to come up with the money for this vile soulless cocksucker kills me. I hate him. But yet here I am yet again smoking his product. I am sick. I am an addict. I am powerless. I’m wasting the precious time that I should be spending with my son. Wow. I had typed a whole new sentence or two regarding the Hellicorn but it did not get saved somehow. Ok take 2.

Oh the countless times that I have failed. At sooo much for sooo long now. It needs to end. Period.

I have failed many. All of them ones whom I claim I love and care for. And yet almost each one them still, without question, genuinely love me. I am worthy of love. I am. I deserve to have a healthy happy productive meaningful life again. They are all pulling for me and want to see me happy, at peace, sober and alive again. I long for that. I have an absolutely incredible family that I am so very grateful, proud and blessed to be part of. We are all kinda fucked up in our own strange ways. But we are family. We look out for each other, take care of each other. Love and respect each other. It’s a beautiful thing. I shut them out, I fell victim to the family affliction of addiction. As my father, his father and his father’s father. It isn’t isolated to one side or the other, but I believe it is the Bartels bloodline which is more influential if that word makes sense. Anyway, it’s an awful soulless faceless monster which consumes all that was and is good in you. It is ugly. It is sick. It cares for nothing. It begins to kill the soul. I have to wonder after this much time lost and on a frantic pace, what remains of my soul…. I know that it’s still there. Battered, burned and broken. But there and desperately clinging to me. I need to let go. Enough is enough. I do want to feel alive again. Intermission

I do enjoy this font. Cursive writing is cool. It’s a dying thing though. They no longer teach it in school. No need when you don’t really have to write, typing being the majority of time

Strange little thought stream I guess. And I was just thinking of the fact that I have a lot of people to make amends with. To not let their continued love and support be in vain. I have long standing relationships that I would like to rekindle when possible. I have so many things I want and need to do and be to be the best possible father to B. I’ve been a terrible father and have let him down far too many times and missed out on a lot of important time and events in his life. He’s at a delicate point at this age. I was already on the wrong path by his age. I need to be there for him. Goddamn. How awful I am. This twisted mockery of me that is. There is good in me. I am a good person and deserve to love myself and those around me. To put this burden aside and stop the madness and the continuing suffering. I am a father and that is an awesome responsibility and a great privilege to have the opportunity to do good, to instill values and wisdom and praise and love the human being that you created and give him the best you possibly can and show him what a real father is like.

[baekhvuns]

Omg I forgot to tell you - two of my friends were on the set of The Crown (seasons 1-2) and they said the attention to details (interior design and fashion) was amazing. They even used some original wallpapers, furniture, clothes, and sometimes it took ages to find them

I'm a warm weather kind of person, like a lizard I NEED THE SUN. It's snowing right now and I'm in shambles 😭😭😭😭 your uni is in the mountains? Kinda spooky vibes, like a boarding school somewhere in the mountains 👀 be strong, we must survive it somehow 😢

Taemin lied down on my bed and was like "I sleep" kshdusyshdjsjsj he didn't give a fuck about me...

Atinys are shocked that despite Ateez gaining more fans, they don't vote and stream that much, y'all scared people away 😭 the surprise cocks on Twitter are the worst NOOOOO. Oh bestie you're lucky, because even if stans censor the names I still see it from time to time and 😐

If the JP MV isn't in the style of the previews I'm gonna 🔫 I need more vampire Ateez content

We got more deranged Hehetmons, they were bastardised 😭

You should add Clannad to your carrd under "triggers" 😅 But perhaps that's how I felt after reading Khr*n*s... I have such a soft spot for this show tho so I decided to focus on the positives.

AU of Ateez being wedding singers and Y/N decides to leave with Seonghwa 👀

TB is a train wreck, truly... Btw I'm obsessed with a webtoon called Blood Reverie (totally imagining vampire Hwa), I also started A Whirlwind Campus Affair - feel like it's gonna be a love triangle or perhaps even a quadruple 😭 but I'm rooting for the kinda mean but actually soft guy, he's a loser!

That styling on TXT reminds me of some of Ateez's stylings, because sometimes they just don't match 😭

Speaking of TXT I'm only gonna bark during Cat & Dog, you'll not catch me doing it otherwise hsgsjsgshaha embarrassing. Also some fans were barking for no reason at Loona and the girls were so confused

Why would you remind me of the Hwa hand holding?! The fact I was a bit reluctant back then, but now I would not let him go 💔

When Boa dropped her promo pics she was giving Avril too, she could be in Aespa with no problem.

ZOOTOPIA?! Stop because I was so hooked on that premise...

I'm laughing at people's reactions to Jongho's photo. What's next? Toes? 🤡

Lol and Japan won wih Germany, rip to Costa Rica though 7:0 💀

Damon gets better and then worse... he's my trigger 🔫

Maybe those people who dated capricorns are the problem, lol. Don't blame me, I never had a relationship!

Oiled London is now a TERF and a Christian man or whatever, someone lock him away

Bodyguard also I'm weak for Hwa in his big beanie and furry gloves. He's kinda going Soviet Union though

Oh that quiz was SERIOUS. I got "peace" but I lost the screenshot 💀 - DV 💖

hi hello!!

Omg I forgot to tell you - two of my friends were on the set of The Crown (seasons 1-2) and they said the attention to details (interior design and fashion) was amazing. They even used some original wallpapers, furniture, clothes, and sometimes it took ages to find them

EXCUSE ME THEY WHAT ??? omg ur fr so cool and u have the coolest friends omg,, SO UR SAYING DID THEY MEET THE CAST, but most importantly did they meet olivia colman bc i will beg ur friends for an autograph,, the crown really took their style to a different level, the interior and the cinematography truly so amazing !!!! but the recent season kinda lost it’s identity tbh 😭😭 i wonder what critique’s ur friends might have for this season!

I'm a warm weather kind of person, like a lizard I NEED THE SUN. It's snowing right now and I'm in shambles 😭😭😭😭 your uni is in the mountains? Kinda spooky vibes, like a boarding school somewhere in the mountains 👀 be strong, we must survive it somehow 😢

LIKE A LIZARDSDGWJDHWK 😭😭😭 omg what a perfect weather to stay in and relish some coffee,, it really is spooky! tbh some production company wanted to film it as north korea 😭😭😭😭 bc it does look like a boarding school,, almost hogwarts-y it’s spooky bc the fog really gathers up! and it’s just pure w h i t e ,,, WE MUST LIVE THRU IT BESTIE DONT SLIP ON THE SLUSH

Taemin lied down on my bed and was like "I sleep" kshdusyshdjsjsj he didn't give a fuck about me...

LMFAOOOO???? 😭😭😭😭 im in peak delulu bc taemin better comeback next week ALSO THIS TRACK IS CRIMINALLY UNDERRATED it’s very angst villain arc i rmr when he dropped the first part of this in want era,, i could not get it out of my mind

Atinys are shocked that despite Ateez gaining more fans, they don't vote and stream that much, y'all scared people away 😭 the surprise cocks on Twitter are the worst NOOOOO. Oh bestie you're lucky, because even if stans censor the names I still see it from time to time and 😐

the twt toxicity scared them away tbh 😭😭 the gatekeeping sometimes isn’t good 😭😭it just gets worse and worse,, FBWKHDWK NO BC ITS A MIX OF EVERYTHING THE WAY I BE SHIELDING MY EYES AND BLOCKING THE TAGS BUT SOMEHOW, SOMEHOW ITS ALWAYS THERE

If the JP MV isn't in the style of the previews I'm gonna 🔫 I need more vampire Ateez content

NO UR RIGHT IF THEY BAMBOOZLED US FOR THE MV IM GONNA 🔫🔫🔫 also i do not agree with a lot of the makeup choices in this cb <3

We got more deranged Hehetmons, they were bastardised 😭

BASTARDIZED 😭😭😭😭 THEY JUST KEEP GETTING WORSE AND WORSE WTF IS GOING ON 😭😭😭

You should add Clannad to your carrd under "triggers" 😅 But perhaps that's how I felt after reading Khr*n*s... I have such a soft spot for this show tho so I decided to focus on the positives.

im about to add that actually tysm,, LMFAOOOO KHRONUS WASNT REALLY TO THAT LEVEL TBH 😭😭 omg do u remember hanasaku iroha?? and wolf girl and black prince??

AU of Ateez being wedding singers and Y/N decides to leave with Seonghwa 👀

this is giving very sugar by maroon 5 vibes but the yn actually runs away 😭😭

TB is a train wreck, truly... Btw I'm obsessed with a webtoon called Blood Reverie (totally imagining vampire Hwa), I also started A Whirlwind Campus Affair - feel like it's gonna be a love triangle or perhaps even a quadruple 😭 but I'm rooting for the kinda mean but actually soft guy, he's a loser!

AYOO VAMPIRE??? im about to put this in my list rn,,, a campus affair 👁👁 IM SORRY IS THAT THE GUY UR ROOTING FOR??? BC AYOOO 🤚🏼🤚🏼 this is like a park seonghwa x park chanyeol = ban seongjun????

That styling on TXT reminds me of some of Ateez's stylings, because sometimes they just don't match 😭

YOURE RIGHT IDK WHAT HAPPENS TO STYLISTS WHEN THEIR GROUP HAS TO GO OVERSEAS BC THEY BE BRINGING OUT THE WORST OUTFITS 😭😭

Speaking of TXT I'm only gonna bark during Cat & Dog, you'll not catch me doing it otherwise hsgsjsgshaha embarrassing. Also some fans were barking for no reason at Loona and the girls were so confused

DBWMBDWK if u can awoo for wolf, we barking for txt id bark if yeonjun asks me to <3 KDJDKD ATP ORBITS DO ANYTHING AND ITS SO CASUAL 😭😭 and chuu??? 😭😭😭

Why would you remind me of the Hwa hand holding?! The fact I was a bit reluctant back then, but now I would not let him go 💔

I MEAAANNN

When Boa dropped her promo pics she was giving Avril too, she could be in Aespa with no problem. /// ZOOTOPIA?! Stop because I was so hooked on that premise...

SHE REALLY WAS !!!! what a legend, ur right her vocal also fits aespa’s in some way maybe it’s the high pitch ness,,, FBWKDHWKDHWK THAT WAS MY EXACT REACTION 😭😭 MY JAW DROPPED WHEN I READ ZOOTOPIA but it true tho

I'm laughing at people's reactions to Jongho's photo. What's next? Toes? 🤡

PLSSSS NOT THE TOES AGAIN, ONE PICTURE IS FINE NO MORE TOES 😭😭 hwa’s other shoulder drop will k word me actually

Lol and Japan won wih Germany, rip to Costa Rica though 7:0 💀

no bc japan was DEADLY !!!! sk and uruguay was so neck to neck they did NOT COME TO PLAYY,,, can’t wait for sk vs portugal, son and ronaldo ??? 😮‍💨😮‍💨 NO CB WHAT WENT WRONG WITH COSTA 😭😭😭 AND NEYMAR?? i will give him my ankle i dont even use it bro pls take it and this?? THIS IS SO FUNNY 😭😭😭 THIS IS BY FAR THE BEST THING KPOP TWT HAS DONE ,,, also found out that the next fifa, my city will host it along with america but what’s the point if the main ppl aren’t there 😭😭🤚🏼

THE NEYMAR AEGYO 😭😭😭

nugu (saudi) winning over a big 3 (argentina) company?? rigged

fanservice king 😭😭


no bc GET OUT

??? 😭😭 LMFAOOOO???

if he was in. bg, he’d be the main rapper 

Damon gets better and then worse... he's my trigger 🔫 /// Maybe those people who dated capricorns are the problem, lol. Don't blame me, I never had a relationship!

STOP BC HES A WALKING RED FLAG BUT HES TOO FINE 😭😭 i would like to say those are most likely men, bc cap women are so funny aint no way this for them 🔫

Oiled London is now a TERF and a Christian man or whatever, someone lock him away

LMFAOOOO HES A WHAT NOW 😭😭😭

Bodyguard also I'm weak for Hwa in his big beanie and furry gloves. He's kinda going Soviet Union though /// Oh that quiz was SERIOUS. I got "peace" but I lost the screenshot 💀 - DV 💖

PLS THAT PHOTO DROP IS SO FUNNY THE LAST PIC LOOKS LIKE HES ABOUT TO TAKE A SHIT 😭😭 soviet union HEJWHDKQHDKQHDKWHSKW

that quiz read something so deep i was 😳🤚🏼since u lost it dbdb i did it multiple times so i can stumble on peace and wow.. anon are u okay <3 😭😭 mines almost similar in a way, solitude!

got another one!

AND???

what’s going on at the jackson wang party 😭😭

HE IS SO 🤏🏼🤏🏼🤏🏼

[stellocchia]

Since I really enjoyed yesterday's stream I decided to do one of my overly long analysis on it

So, here's my analysis of (DSMP LORE) Healthy Competition

Dialogues will be color-coded as usual, so here's what I used: Phil, Wilbur, Ranboo

As always I am incapable of brevity, so everything's under the cut

The stream starts with a conversation between Phil and Wilbur in which Wilbur admits that he hasn't been to visit Phil in a while, which makes Phil's later threat about throwing him out feel that much more ridiculous since Wilbur clearly doesn't really live with him either way...

"Alright, it's got one for Phil, one for Ranboo, and one for Techno. Is that all that live here? Just you three?" "Yep, just us three, just chilling"

The only reason why I'm singling this out is that it was right after the mention of Techno's birthday and Wilbur was pointing at the seats occupied by the 4 members of the Syndicate so it feels slightly weird that Niki wasn't mentioned at all. But also it's technically not a lie, she doesn't live there and she only comes around for the Syndicate meetings.

Another thing to add is that Wilbur did notice the chest Ranboo left for him and consciously decided to ignore it.

"I must admit I've come to you with a bit of a- a bit of a proposition. You're into propositions Phil? Are you a bit of a 'propositions' kinda guy?" "Oh, depends, depends. You- you've had some pretty... let- let's just say, uh- not- not a great track record on propositions that you've had in the past" "Alright... I mean, I'm trying to move past that"

I wonder what exactly Phil is referring to here. Because, like, Wilbur did bad things, don't get me wrong, but what's his track record with "propositions" in particular? Because he isn't talking about "Tommy, let's be the bad guys" here since he doesn't know about that. Is he talking about Wilbur founding L'Manburg? But then again, I don't think Wilbur interpreted it that way. I think that, from Wilbur's reaction, he clearly interpreted it as a jab at him exploding L'Manburg (which is the one thing he's trying to move past) which would be extremely hypocritical from Phil since he did the exact same thing but worse.

Also, I really do think that Wilbur is trying to move forward. He's lonely and he has the lowest possible opinion of himself so it doesn't feel weird that he'd want to move on. He isn't putting the work in it right now and he hasn't really changed, but he does seem to want to (though I think he may not know how).

"He [Quackity] didn't seem afraid of me, which is cool. Not many people- I mean you don't seem afraid of me. You aren't afraid of me, are you Phil?" (little look into Wilbur's mind and his fear of isolation once again. And this is fear of isolation, he's worried that other people are afraid of him and therefore are only waiting for him to step out of line so that all their fears would be confirmed)

"'Cause I'm not afraid of you [Phil]" (bold words for someone who spent who knows how long lying to his dad because of a crippling fear of disappointment...)

"Technoblade spent his entire time taking down the establishments, what he left is, as predicted, a power vacuum for a new establishment to come in" (in case it wasn't obvious, Wilbur is not the biggest fan of anarchy. And he actually got this one criticism spot on, indeed all taking down L'Manburg did was getting 4 new governmental-like structures to sprout in its place)

"Phil, I want to make a burger van" *Phil sighs and walks away* (I'm more sure now that Phil really meant "creating L'Manburg" as Wilbur's bad track record with propositions)

Wilbur repeating 4 times that he has no ulterior motive with the burger van managed to make me think the exact opposite. That said that ulterior motive may just be to create a safe little home for himself and Tommy for all we know honestly. Also, the whole thing with Phil trying to convince his grown-ass kid to go play with the neighbor kid and Wilbur throwing a tantrum in response was hilarious...

"If he's [Ranboo] shit you gotta come help me okay? If he's shit you've gotta come be burger boy with me, okay?" (he still is mistrustful to an extreme and pretty childish admittedly)

"Why is he [Phil] treating me like a kid?! Why is he treating me like a little baby?" (remembering how Wilbur treated Fundy I think it may be a family problem)

Another interesting thing to point out is that Wilbur was openly scared of the spider attacking him here, and fights it off, but he doesn't move away from the explosion later on and he didn't move away from the exploding creepers last stream. Other people already made this connection, but I do think it may be a sort of way to punish himself. Specifically, it's brought up later on that he thinks he got off easy for what he did, so he's using what he hurt others with (explosions) to hurt himself now as a sort of punishment for that. Which is another indication of just how much his stay in Limbo didn't help with his mental health.

"Am I being- is this [Ranboo having both cows and wheat] a setup?" (the paranoia never left)

"Ranboo I'm gonna go out on a limb here: do- do you wanna be friends?" "Su-sure yeah, I don't see why not" (I think that at this point it was still just Wilbur following along with what his dad told him to do and trying to find out more about Ranboo. That does seem to change later down the line)

"And then we decided that it [the 'cookie' outpost] was too much trouble so we kinda just left it" (So we have confirmation that the cookie outpost was abandoned)

"We're not gonna annoy Quackity" "That's good" "We can't annoy- we can't annoy him because we're simply put- we're simply put gonna be making...- I got the real estate! He's giving me the area and we're gonna be making a competing business"

Wilbur says this as if he wasn't perfectly aware that this would annoy the sh*t out of Quackity. As if the point of it wasn't exactly to annoy Quackity. Or well, annoying him isn't the end goal, it's just the means to an end. We don't know the actual end goal (though I think Wilbur still wants to either be let into Las Nevadas or actually instate a rivalry between them as he said, one of the two).

"We [he and Quackity] were a part of the same cabinet during New L'Manburg or whatever" "Cabinet?" "Yeah a cabinet is like-" "Was this- was this with Tubbo?" "Yeah yeah" (...) "So you were part of the old L'Manburg? I didn't know that actually, I thought you were a bit of an independent"

Once again: Wilbur is missing A LOT of knowledge. He wasn't aware that New L'Manburg had a cabinet and he wasn't aware that Ranboo was ever part of the country either. He has a lot of misconceptions about what happened during the time he was dead so it really shouldn't be a surprise to anyone that his views on a lot of things are as warped as they are. Wilbur is getting to his conclusions with an incomplete and sometimes wrong set of data.

"Do you dislike anyone Ranboo?" "Not too much I don't think. I mean there are other people I don't, like, agree with what they've done of course, but I think that everyone is just a product of what they've gone through and everything so if you understand that then you understand the person!"

There is nothing inherently wrong with Ranboo's reasoning here. It's true that most people are a result of their environment and, once you understand what they've been through you can understand them better as a person. It's also fine that he personally doesn't want to hold grudges. But that way of thinking isn't applicable to those who have been hurt by others, sure they can reach an understanding, but an understanding of a person doesn't justify shit and doesn't change shit unless that person works towards repairing old broken relationships. It just all sounds like a nice way of thinking about things in theory, but in practice, it just takes away responsibility from those who have wronged others to fix things and moves it to those who have been wronged. (Ranboo isn't advocating for everyone to think that way though, but I know the fandom will).

Either way, they arrive in Las Nevadas and Wilbur talks about how their place doesn't benefit the consumer and puts down 3 signs.

"I've been trying to think of a name for it [his and Tommy's area], I'm thinking about 'Paradise'"

There are two possible reasons for the name that I can think of:

1) It's in reference to Las Nevadas itself and how Las Nevadas is based on Las Vegas, the famous city of sin

2) It could be a reference to Tommy insistently calling Las Nevadas Paradise in the last stream and Wilbur trying to convince him that their place is the true Paradise

Wilbur does decide to make the Burger Van right at the border which really feels like a very obvious provocation. The other thing is that he makes it clear that he wants the van to be red and white which could be a random choice, but really feels like a reference to Tommy (since they are famously his colors) or an imitation of their opposition. Or both considering how much Tommy liked the restaurant of the opposition and the fact that Wilbur is still trying to convince him to stay.

"I'm not very fond of blue" (at this point it's obvious that Wilbur has quite a bit of pent-up animosity against Ghostbur. I wonder if it is because it still feels like people liked the ghost more than him...)

"Like, the Cookie Shop, I don't even know if it was a cookie shop, to begin with, because it was a little... fortified if I'm entirely honest, I realize that now" "Really?" "Yeah did you not see- oh wait- that giant stone structure?" (Ranboo really did fail to realize that the cookie shop was actually a military outpost, huh?)

"See, I like Tubbo. He's strong-headed, he doesn't let people push him around, you know?" (this is both an interesting change in what he thinks of Tubbo if he actually thinks that and further confirmation that Wilbur isn't a fan of people he considers to be 'followers')

"Why do you claim that you're so 'peaceful' and 'neutral' and yet somehow appear in almost every conflict this server's had since I died?" (since I saw people claiming this is manipulation already, just know that it isn't. He's just confused because, admittedly, Ranboo is a confusing guy and Wilbur doesn't really know him at all)

"Ranboo, why did you come to help me?" (...) "And then also I just think, you know... you can, you know- I think- I think you're an alright person, you know? So I wanna- I did kinda wanna get off on a better foot with you then what happened-" "Why?" "Just because I don't really like having the thought that people don't really like me" "Nonononono not the bit about the right foot, the 'why don't you think I'm a bad person'" "Well I mean, I think that you did bad things, but like, I think that you also went through things that made you that way and then I also think that you've changed now (...) but I think that now you've- apparently you've been away long enough that I think that if anyone goes away for that long eventually they'll have a thought about their morality and everything and maybe become a better person because of it"

I know this quote was absurdly long, but it is one of the most interesting conversations of the whole stream and it is really important and it tells us quite a bit as well. For one thing Wilbur was left quite emotional from someone simply admitting that he's an "alright person" and that they think he's capable of changing and this does bring him to open up to Ranboo right after. What Ranboo says to be exact is that anyone would have changed after going through what Wilbur went through and that change could be positive and while I completely disagree with it, it's clearly something that Wilbur needed to hear.

Now as to why I disagree with the notion that 13 years of semi-complete isolation could change anyone for the better should be rather obvious. But if it isn't, well, that's torture to put it simply. Psychological torture. Just like abuse it's one of those things that only cause trauma and a worsening mental health state and we see this with Wilbur because he didn't change, he only became more self-deprecating. Hurting someone doesn't make them become a better person all of a sudden, that's really not how it works. Hurting someone makes them become more traumatized.

"I think I scare people" ( as I said, immediately opening up about his insecurities)

"I think that a lot of people share your idea, but they share your idea in trying to- trying to keep me from hurting them" (for a bit here Wilbur talks about how he feels like everyone else is just waiting for him to step a foot out of line, which does really show that he's still interpreting all his interactions with people through the lens of his paranoia and self-deprecation, because no one is really interacting with him with that objective in mind)

"Dream's had his comeuppance and I've not" (this seems to be the crux of Wilbur's insecurity. This idea that he got off scot-free for his crimes, the idea that the only difference between him and Dream is the punishment that's been bestowed upon them which, of course, is wrong, but he doesn't know this, because he doesn't actually know why Dream's in prison)

"I've been investing into the wrong areas Ranboo, I've been investing into the wrong people" (This is either a reference to Tommy, to Phil, to Quackity, or to all of them)

"We're kindred man, we get each other" (the reason why he thinks that is because he seems to think that Ranboo has a similar type of paranoia to what Wilbur experience himself and he's not entirely wrong. Ranboo is deathly afraid of conflict and of being disliked so much so that he never stands up for anything in fear of angering others)

Little definition of "neuroticism" for you all since Wilbur kept mentioning it: neuroticism, one of the Big 5 personality traits, is typically defined as a tendency toward anxiety, depression, self-doubt, and other negative feelings.

I'd say it's quite fitting for both characters...

"I feel like life dealt us the same cards and the difference is that you built your trust by showing people your cards whilst I- I keep them close to my chest and I feel like that may be the big difference" (I felt like this was interesting. Especially knowing how much Ranboo actually doesn't share and how much he actually also keeps close to his chest)

They talk about tubbo in general for a bit and about what's been going on the server in general. Ranboo also that he's part of both Snowchester and the arctic commune (mostly the latter though).

"This has been chill, this has been good, I'm excited to show Tommy. What's your opinion on Tommy?" "Oh, he's- he's great. Tommy's awesome" "I agree I agree" "Definitely gone through a lot but I think that it's made him a good person" "Well you seem to think that everyone going through something at least gives them some merit you said" "I mean, yeah. I mean if- if no one- the only really bad people are the ones who are just evil because- just because and they don't have any reason why"

Included the whole thing here because if I stopped at Ranboo saying that Tommy going through trauma is what made him a good person it would have sounded really bad. As things are I think that that was just poor wording on his part and that this mostly goes back to the mentality he expressed before about how people sometimes do bad things because of the environment they're in pushing them and this idea he seems to have that actual hardships (like 13 years in Limbo or whatever he knows about what Tommy has been through) can encourage people to be better which is... sort of naive honestly. Again, trauma isn't a catalyst for the betterment of a person, and any improvement Tommy has made came from his self-reflection, not what he's been through.

After they're done with the van Wilbur brings Ranboo to their competing establishment and asks him to smash the windows, which Ranboo does with no hesitation whatsoever. After that Wilbur proceeds to place down one single block of TNT in a corner and Ranboo starts being a little more hesitant.

"You trust me right?" (I feel like that was a trick question considering how their common paranoia is the thing that Wilbur praised in Ranboo before)

Wilbur hands Ranboo the flint and steel to detonate the piece of TNT which Ranboo does, albeit with some hesitation.

"You passed the test, good job man, you go back to the van (...) Ranboo- Ranboo... I'm proud of you man. You've taken a side, you've proven that you can choose a side"

Quite a few people have already pointed out how similar this scene was to the time Wilbur tested Tommy in season 1 to decide if he was fit to be his right-hand man. In both situations, Wilbur gave someone a chance to cause some destruction against someone on the opposite side. Tommy passed the test by refusing to do so and showing that he was willing to uphold his morals and what he believed in. Ranboo passed the test by doing the exact opposite, by showing that, as much as he talks about how he chooses people and not sides, he's not willing to prove that even when all he would need to do to do so is doing nothing.

And it's an interesting scene to analyze as a parallel to that, but it's also interesting to note that Wilbur knows about Ranboo and Tommy griefing George together. He knows that Tommy was the only one to face any consequences for it (not that exile was actually the consequence for the griefing, but this is from Wilbur's point of view). Now putting this in the context of Wilbur seeing himself in Ranboo and thinking that he himself got off scot-free explains this next part perfectly in my opinion.

It explains why he made sure to leave this sign:

To me at least. This is only a theory honestly, we don't have an actual full explanation. But I do think that Wilbur may feel like the both of them never got the comeuppance they deserved, which is why he did something that's sure to get a reaction from one of the most powerful people on the server. Though considering that he also left 2 diamonds as retribution + a chest with all the materials he picked up it could have also been Wilbur's idea of a bonding moment and he could actually really be proud of Ranboo.

[lucy90712]

Sapnap- face cam

Wc- 1987

Warnings- none (I think)  I've been up for almost 30 hours mainly because I was doing college homework all of last night and because my boyfriend Sapnap was streaming and being very loud which kept me up in the first place which was why I did my homework anyway. I love Sapnap to death but sometime he can be a little annoying but I put up with it.

Sapnap only got into bed at 4am and he's still asleep now at 11pm meanwhile since then I've finished a big essay, cleaned the apartment, done another essay and then made breakfast for myself which I'm eating now. I wish I could be this productive when I've had sleep but somehow it never works like that.

Eventually Sapnap came downstairs sauntering because he was still sleepy, some of us wish. He walked right over giving me a hug from behind as I washed some dishes and gave me a kiss on my cheek.

"Morning babe you alright?" He asked

"Yeah I'm good a little tired but I'll live" I replied

"Just to let you know I'll be streaming later" he said

He always tells me when he's streaming because his fans don't know about us and he doesn't want to accidentally reveal anything to protect me which is cute but it gets hard when he streams for hours on end and I need help with something. Sapnap is good about to it though if I really need help I either text him or message him on discord and he'll help but he sometimes doesn't read his messages.

I gave him some of what I made for breakfast and he sat down to eat it while I talked at him about college work that he pretends to care about. He's very supportive of all my college work and he'll let me get on with things if I have to but he will also talk about things with me if I want to. Thats one of the best things about Sapnap is his ability to adapt to how I'm feeling at any given moment and I like to think I'm at least ok at doing the same for him.

After breakfast Sapnap cleaned the rest of the dishes and let me take a shower which was nice and relaxing and woke me up a little bit as the cold water at the start hit my back, usually I would not be under the water as it warmed up but today I felt like I needed a shock to my system to get it going for another day. I had more homework and a lecture to do today so there was no chance for a nap until the evening when it's kind of pointless anyway.

After my shower I got dressed into some sweatpants and a t-shirt because it was comfy for sitting down all day in. Sapnap had got my laptop ready for me and had got me a glass for water which was sweet of him. My lecture was in about 2 minutes so I logged onto the class ready for it to start, when it did I put my headphones on so that Sapnap didn't have to listen to my teacher going on about whatever we were doing today, he always says he doesn't care but even I don't want to listen to it sometimes so there is no way he does.

As I tapped away making notes Sapnap put his hand on my knee rubbing his thumb in circles comfortingly. He does this all the time whether its sat on the sofa like right now or while we're driving somewhere but its safe to say that I love it, it lets me know he's there in a weird way it's like he's acknowledging my presence. At one point he got up and went to the kitchen and when he came back he had my favourite snack which he put between us so that we could share. What a lovely boyfriend he's being today, I'm starting to wonder what he thinks he's done that's he's trying to make up for.

My lecture finally finished after what seemed like and age so I went to get straight on with my last essay that needed submitting by the end of the month but Sapnap shut my laptop before I could get the document open, he grabbed my hand and pulled me up from the sofa and towards the door.

"Come on were going out for a walk" he said

"Why, I have an essay to work on" I whined

"You'll never leave the house if I don't drag you out so come on" he said handing me my shoes

I put them on and grabbed a jacket because according to the weather it was meant to be a little bit chilly out today, Sapnap grabbed the house keys and pushed me out the door onto the street. We don't often go out on walks because neither of us like leaving the house that much if we were to go out it would most likely be in the car to just go for a drive.

The two of us walked down the street holding hands and swinging them back and forth as we took steps forwards. Sapnap clearly had a good idea of where he wanted to go because he was making turns all over the place. Eventually we ended up at the target not that far from our place and we went in looking at everything like you do in target and we topped up on some snacks for a movie night soon.

We left with our snacks and Sapnap dragged me to the nearest park so we could sit outside and get a bit more fresh air. The nearest park is actually the one that we went to on one of our first dates so we have good memories there, on one of the benches by the duck pond is where we had our first kiss and many more after that.

I always love going back to that park with Sapnap because each time we reminisce on the past and talk about the future which seems to change each time we come here. We walked to the exact bench that we had our first kiss on and sat down looking at the scenery. It had changed quite a bit since the first time we were here, there used to be a little play park for kids in the distance but now thats gone and is replaced with a small flower garden instead.

The first time we came here and we talked about the future all we wanted was to still be together after we left for college which of course happened, then the next time we wanted to move in together which we did and now. I'm not really sure what the future holds for us but I'm sure it will be interesting.

"Wow its been so long since we came here we have changed so much and achieved everything that we wanted to" he said

"I know its so weird to think that our last goal was to move in together and now we have been living together for 5 months where do you think we will end up in the future?" I asked

"On man I have no idea but I would love to still be living together and maybe in a bigger place and maybe even be engaged" he said

This shocked me I never expected him to say that but I guess that is the next logical step for us to take in our relationship.

"I like the sound of that" I said  

We went back home and Sapnap went to stream while I worked on my essay he didn't tell me how long he was going to stream for but it will probably be about 3 hours. So I sat down and got on with writing the last 15 pages of my essay which would probably take me the entire time he was streaming maybe longer.

My essay took me almost exactly 4 hours to do but when I tried to submit it it wouldn't upload which happens from time to time. I looked at the upload speed of the WiFi since Sapnap taught me how to do it and it was fine but I assumed that it was being used for something else. This problem has happened before when Sapnap is uploading a video so I assumed that was the issue.

It got up and walked to Sapnap’s streaming room waiting outside for a moment to double check that he wasn't still streaming, I waited a couple minutes and heard nothing so I knocked and went in.

As soon as I went in I saw that Sapnap was still streaming and his face cam was on which meant that I was now on his stream in front of however many people. I've never made such a stupid mistake especially one that outs my entire relationship, I just stood in shock not being able to move and get out of the shot. Sapnap had the exact same reaction his face was filled with shock and fear at the same time.

Nothing prepares you for the moment that you expose yourself live in front of probably 100,000 people or more who will record anything that happens. Nothing prepares you for the chaos that will ensue when you do the before mentioned thing and definitely nothing prepares you for the guilt you feel doing so.

"Um hi y/n" He said trying to make things less awkward

"Hey" I replied shyly

He motioned for me to come over because there was no point trying to hide this anymore since no one will believe anything we say now. I stood next to Sapnap luckily being short enough that I still fit in frame but he had obviously given up caring at this point because he pulled me down into his lap to sit while we talked to his chat. Again he did the thing where he rubs his thumb in a circle on my leg and this time it really was for comfort.

"Well chat this is y/n and shes my... girlfriend" he said

"Hi everyone" I said shyly

"Now chat I'm going to need you to be nice to her or I'll be angry because she is very precious to me" he said

His chat were going insane telling others to clip this and people getting way to excited about all of this and some were asking questions. The whole chat was going so incredibly fast that it was hard to read all the messages.

We answered some of the basic questions like how long we have been together and other things, people also asked if George and Dream knew which of course they did and they have made jokes about Sapnap having a girlfriend but no one ever took it too seriously. At one point dream joined the call and started mocking us for being stupid and exposing ourselves and he told some stories that he knew we wouldn't mind him saying which the chat enjoyed.

I started yawning more and more as I stayed on the stream because I wasn't keeping my mind busy my tiredness was taking over. I leant back into Sapnap to rest my head on his shoulder, he out his hand on my head running it through my hair which is very relaxing.

"Are you tired?" He asked

"No I'm fine I can stay awake" I said

"I don't want to hear it I know you've been awake for over 24 hours so you are going to sleep" he almost demanded

He put his arms around my waist and pulled me into a comfortable position where I closed my eyes and fell asleep almost right away forgetting that Sapnap was still streaming but it doesn't matter.

[absolutebl]

I love love love the time you take to answer each question so extensively, for real I love each post I've seen pop up on my TL since I stared following you.

Sorry for bring immediately again the topic of the queerbating. Same as you I feel that the devil judge it's totally my fault because I don't know if it's being advertised as I see on Tumblr 😂 like after you posted it I've seen a couple of account SCREAMING over how gay all this is, but obviously we are not getting anything out of it.

Now I do have a question regarding queerbating, are we being you know queerbated with this, like when I watch the whole at distance spring is greener (wow why is it so tiring to writge the name of this) I knew what was happening, I knew that they kept the relationship between the male leads and somehow manage to give them girlfriends, like if we would not notice, but I'm genuinely intrigued if the devil judge is doing the same. I don't expect anything from it yet I'm truly rooting for it. So are they queerbating me?

Also I just remembered other of the star dramas of the year (I'm new to dramas but again I asked if it was a trend become the few I've watched have it) and it's Doom at your service, now I know me and my friends where rooting for something, we obviously did not get it, but they hinted at a possibility TWICE in the las episode which for me feels like a confirmation, and we have a (GL not sure if that's correct) lesbian relationship in nevertheless, so I am wondering if we are seeing true progress with them or is it just a trend.

To end this I just want to say that I'm giving Viki all my coins for Light On Me, it's already competiting with cherry magic as my favourite BL of them all and I can't still wrap my head around the idea that we are getting 16 episodes and that we've had episodes of 28 minutes, I honestly did not think this was coming to us and I can only hope that we will get more. Again thank you for your answer and I'm sending you lots of love because I'm sick at the moment and you manage to make me smile while feeling shitty. ❤️

Why thank you for the compliment! I LOVE the questions, they make me think hard about this stuff. And that’s really fun for me. 

Devil Judge... is it queerbaiting? 

Maybe? Probably? Let me try to explain the grey areas. 

Wikipedia says:

Queerbaiting is a marketing technique for fiction and entertainment in which creators hint at, but then do not actually depict, same-sex romance or other LGBTQ+ representation. They do so to attract ("bait") a queer or straight ally audience with the suggestion of relationships or characters that appeal to them, while at the same time attempting to avoid alienating other consumers.

Honestly I think this is a case of, if you feel queerbaited, then yeah. It’s queerbaiting. 

Are you watching it for the bromance even though you know they'll never kiss and they probably won’t end up together? 

Will you be mad when that happens? 

Did it get your eyeballs because you’re invested in the characters being gay? 

Is it earning streaming revenue from you because of your identity, when it will likely never acknowledge or honor that identity? 

Probably queerbaiting. 

I feel it a little, but I kind of enjoy being manipulated by pop culture, that’s why I’m an analyst. I react and I’m like, 

“OH THAT was an interesting emotional response. Why did this drama make me feel like that? What did it do? And how did it do it? Why am I surprised when I should have guessed what was going to happen? Or why am I crying when I knew it was going to happen all along?” 

I can say that the director (at least) must know he’s using visual romance tropes applied to his with two male leads. The actors are experienced enough to know this too. But it’s the camera lens that is gay...  

No director puts this kinda thing on the screen of a strictly heterosexual or non-sexual court procedural or dystopian: 

So I have to assume someone in production knows what they are about with this bromance. These are only a few of the visual romance tropes (some of them even BL) being deployed. They’re sexy and hella gay. Don’t get me started on the amount of unexpected (and out of genre) domesticity in this drama. (If anything, that’s the real queerbaiting sin.) 

Devil Judge, however, does not have a romantic endgame. We have no guarantee that any characters will end up together, or indeed, survive the narrative. (It’s a court procedural meets superhero with a dystopian setting and an anti-hero lead, plus some buddy cop elements. Think Deadpool or Dexter.)  

I mean, I could tell you what would happen with this narrative under a Western studio. GaOn is being groomed as a scion, which means our judge is preparing to die for his revenge. And probably will, likely also in protection of GaOn. Leaving GaOn to assume the burden of the continued revenge as well as the mantle of the Devil Judge. 

In this case the sexual tension would be highlighting that part of the queer journey when we are like: wait, I’m a dude, do I admire him or is this lust, do I want to fuck him or do I want to be him? (Hannibal used this technique.) 

But as this is a K-drama, I have no real clue what the narrative endgame is, it’s not necessarily going to obey the taste conceits established by Hollywood.  

So are we being manipulated?

Sure are. 

The question as to whether to get upset about queerbaiting or not, is for me, one of whether I care that I am being manipulated. 

And right now, I’m really enjoying being manipulated.

 But I reserve the right to get angry about it later. 

* Note on Nevertheless, when it’s side dishes that’s a different situation. Because it doesn’t cost the drama much (marketing or money wise) to make a side character actually queer. I think they might follow through with those two. 

[yoongiseesawmp3]

candy kisses - yoongi

don’t judge me. stream butter. stay safe out there

summary: yoongi is y/n’s weed dealer, and he needs help expanding his business portfolio. weed brownies, anyone?

warnings: weed. trifling friends. a small couch. don’t read if you’re a narc or if you’re gonna point out the two grammar mistakes i found that i will not fix

word count: 3.3k

“when was the last time we smoked together?”

you don’t hear yoongi because you’re currently very focused on rolling this blunt correctly. your work in the past has been sloppy, rushed, and you’re worried about disappointing yoongi while also disrespecting his high-quality product, so you’re mega focused on the little pieces of herb in your hands that are trying to run away. you’re half aware of his gaze on you as you work, and you’re also barely aware that your tongue is just slightly sticking out, a sign of your steady concentration which yoongi is about to break.

“you look cute when you’re focused like that,” yoongi says nonchalantly, almost making you drop the blunt just as you’re about to bring it to your lips to wet the paper. 

“thank you?” you reply, noticing how relaxed yoongi is on your couch. just black sweats and a white t shirt on, and yet it’s hard for you not to stare at him. actually, you’re staring right now, so get back to work. you finish up the blunt and lean forward, searching your coffee table for your lighter. 

“looking for this?” yoongi asks, picking it up from underneath a stack of take out napkins that you’ve carefully curated. is that a fire hazard, a lighter underneath cheap napkins? probably. 

“yeah, thanks,” you answer, reaching over to grab it from him. “how’d you know it was there?”

“you always keep it on that little plate thing with the other tiny stuff you lose all the time,” he explains, and you glance at the napkins and see the minuscule design element you barely remembered peeking out from underneath. 

“ok, how’d you know that was there?” you ask, holding the blunt up before you start to slowly light the end of it.

“i go nuts for interior design,” he explains with a shrug. “the colors on the plate match your couch pillows. it’s a nice touch.”

“thank you,” you respond quietly. who notices stuff like that?

“you’re welcome.”

it’s quiet as you take your first puff of the blunt, one quick one just to test it and another, longer pull after for good luck. the acidic smoke hits your tastebuds before you breathe it in. you hold it for just a second, and then exhale, watching the cloud that forms in front of you. you turn to yoongi and intend to pass the blunt to him, but you realize you don’t have an ashtray ready so you pull that little plate from its paper prison and ash the blunt before yoongi takes it from you. your fingers brush as he takes it, and you notice how soft his hands are, so you tell him.

“thanks, it’s your lotion,” he replies, and you laugh at how comfortable he gets every time he comes over. 

“i thought i smelled peaches,” you joke, trying to rearrange the mess on your coffee table now. you push an empty vape pen out of the way as you search for any other trash to throw away, and still yoongi is watching you as he exhales from his first pull. he looks like that caterpillar from alice in wonderland.

“you shouldn’t smoke those little vape things, it’s getting metal in your lungs,” he tells you with a little bit of authority in his voice. you watch him as he pouts his pretty lips and closes them around the blunt, their slight downward slope mesmerizing as he breathes in. 

“well if you didn’t take so damn long to refill our stash i wouldn’t need these little vape things to get a buzz,” you bite back, graciously taking the blunt as he passes it back to you. you watch him hold the smoke just a second longer before pursing his lips to slowly let it all out. you’re still thinking about his lips when he speaks again. 

“do you like edibles?”

“um, it depends,” you reply. “what kind?”

“how many are there?” he asks, curious. 

“why, are you trying to expand your business portfolio?” you joke. “but really anything that you can use butter in, or infuse cbd oil somehow can be an edible i think. but i like brownies the best.”

“so, hypothetically, if i made weed brownies, could i make them here? and could you maybe help me with the recipe?”

“sure, but why do you need to make them here?”

“to hang out with you,” he says with a shrug. “is that ok?”

“that’s ok,” you reply, wondering if your heart is beating fast because of the blunt or the idea that yoongi wants to spend more time with you. “when?”

“are you free friday?”

-

you know how everyone uses phone alarms to wake up now? and sometimes if you hear that ringtone out in your everyday life it brings you war flashbacks? 

well, the timer on yoongi’s phone is going off, playing your typical morning alarm, and he won’t turn it off, so you’re about two seconds away from committing murder. 

“yoongi!” you shout to the man missing in action. “your brownies are done!”

you hear the bathroom sink running followed by yoongi’s shuffling footsteps, and you watch as he dashes to the kitchen while he dries his hands off on his sweatpants. 

“shit, sorry,” he apologizes, grabbing his phone off the counter before ending your misery. 

“thank you,” you sigh as you relax back into the couch. you hear his movements echoing in the kitchen, the oven opening, the pan clattering on top of the oven, and the impressed whistle yoongi lets out as he checks his masterpiece. “how do they look?”

“incredible,” he replies, popping his head out of the kitchen with an excited look on his face. “do you wanna be my first customer?”

“i’m letting you use my kitchen, so you better not charge me for trying one of your edibles,” you warn as you get up. your kitchen is a mess, by the way. yoongi might be a great chef when it comes to meals, but he didn’t know shit about desserts before today. so actually, he’s using your kitchen AND your baking expertise, you should get the entire batch for free. 

“i’m not gonna charge you,” he agrees with a roll of his eyes. “this time.”

“how much are you gonna take?” you ask, peering over his shoulder as he slices the pan of sweets into bite size portions. you get the urge to lean your head on his shoulder as he does, but you’re not sure if that would be weird, so you’ll settle with standing close enough to feel his warmth along with the warmth of the brownies. “just one to start?”

“i’m not sure i did this right, so one could be too much or not enough. it’s better to be safe and start small,” he explains.

“god, look at the delinquent who brought drugs into my home being responsible,” you tease. “it’s cute.”

“i don’t think you’re supposed to call your dealer cute,” he counters.

“good thing you’re not just my dealer, then,” you quip back as you snatch a piece from the corner, the best piece of any brownie, illegal or not. 

“wait,” he semi-shouts, grabbing your hand before you pop the piece into your mouth. “should we have a plan before we take them?”

“what do you mean, a plan?”

“like if something happens,” he explains, a nervous look in his eyes. “maybe i won’t try one, so i can keep an eye on you in case i made them wrong.”

“yoongi, we’ll be fine,” you assure him, picking up another piece and holding it out to him. “i won’t take it without you.”

“is this the peer pressure to do drugs that adults are always talking about?” he asks as he carefully takes the brownie from your hand. again, your hands brush, but this time yoongi just stays there, sort of cupping your hands in his even though you’ve already passed the contraband to him. you whisper his name, snapping him out of whatever thoughts were clouding his head, and he pulls his gaze up to your eyes, which have an excited glint in them that yoongi wants to see over and over again. he especially wants to be the reason for it, but he’ll settle for the simple pleasure of enjoying how it highlights the flecks of light that dance over your eyes. and now you’re noticing the way he’s staring at you, and it’s making your hands clam up, so you try to clear the air. 

“so, do we cheers with these before we take them or what?” you joke, and you’re rewarded with a silent chuckle and the shaking of yoongi’s broad shoulders. 

“i’m not sure, you’re the edible expert,” he replies. “we should just take them.”

“whatever you say, boss man.”

-

taking the edible was easy enough. waiting for it to kick in was another story. 

first of all, you and yoongi both have had butterfly fueled jitters around each other since the longing gaze you shared in the kitchen. that awkwardness was paired with the anxious jabbering of yoongi as he questioned every feeling, sight and sound, questioning if “this is what it feels like.” 

second of all, jimin and taehyung somehow found out you had a whole pan of weed brownies and quickly made their way over, and they might have mentioned this to hoseok too. he’s bringing pizza though, so you’re not mad about that. you had planned on watching your favorite movie with yoongi tonight, so the more the merrier? and also pizza. you were looking forward to that more than having your home invaded by three extra boys.

on top of your house being invaded by boys, you’re starting to wonder what’s going on between you and yoongi all while your mind starts to slowly drift away with your ability to focus. right now you can only think about how yoongi is starting to lean into you more and more and also did he look that good when he first got here? he’s never wearing much more than pajamas of some sort, but today he looks a little more put together than usual. it’s not a drastic difference, he’s wearing adidas track pants paired with a baggy, black button up, so anyone else wouldn’t think much of this outfit choice. but...did he dress up for this? is he trying to impress you? meanwhile, you’re wearing pajama shorts and a t shirt that’s so old it’s basically a family heirloom. 

having jimin and taehyung here keeps you distracted from the way yoongi keeps nervously running his hands over his thighs, and you definitely need a distraction from that. you started the movie a few minutes ago, but you swear you could just sit here watching yoongi and be just as entertained. 

“you know that wasn’t in the original script?” yoongi asks, snapping you out of your thoughts with his little fun fact.

“yeah, i knew that,” you reply, noticing how close he is to you now. taehyung took up the other side of the couch with his big ass self, so you’re slightly squished up next to yoongi in the corner and his eyes keep flitting around, like he’s equally excited and nervous about your proximity. “i thought you said you hadn’t watched this before though.”

“i haven’t,” he responds with a shrug. 

“then how did you know that?”

“...i read the imdb page before i got here.”

“nerd,” you tease, smiling at the thought that yoongi takes an interest in what you like. you’re about to share your own bit of trivia about the movie (because you could talk about it for hours) but hoseok banging on your door stops you.

“special delivery! yummy pizza!! give me weed!!!” hobi shouts from the other side of your door. you rush to your feet to answer it, hopefully to put a stop to his yelling before neighbors complain, but the edible is starting to hit and your knees suddenly feel like they’re made out of jello. you sway slightly and you feel yoongi’s hand on your back steadying you before you step around jimin on the floor to let hoseok in.

“you’re gonna get me evicted,” you warn hobi as you open the door, and he responds by kissing the top of your head. he makes his way to the kitchen and taehyung follows, leaving a loopy jimin and a pink-cheeked yoongi with you in the living room.

“hyung, are you good?” jimin asks yoongi, and he simply nods. “y/n, can you get me some pizza please?”

“go get it yourself, jimin.”

“you’re a terrible host,” he quips back, sitting up too quick. you can tell he’s feeling what you felt when you stood up, and jimin smiles. “hyung, the brownies were really good. can i have another?”

you and yoongi both say no at the same time, and jimin thinks it’s the funniest thing in the world. his giggle attracts tae’s attention as he comes out of the kitchen, several pieces of pizza stacked on one plate.

“what’s so funny?” he asks, handing you each a slice as he makes his way back to his spot on the couch. you take yours and sit back down, even closer to yoongi now because hobi has taken your spot on the couch. you’re practically in yoongi’s lap now, but you don’t mind. 

“yeah, was it actually funny chim or are you just high?” hobi asks, a fleck of brownie on one side of his face and a piece of cheese on the other. why are boys so gross?

“i don’t know, but when yoongi and y/n answered together it just sounded like they’re an old married couple that spends so much time together they start to sound the same,” jimin explains.

“aren’t we all like that though?” you ask. 

“eh, the two of you are getting worse,” taehyung replies. “you have been hanging out a lot lately.”

“that’s because y/n is my business partner now,” yoongi says calmly. business partners? is that all he thinks of you?

“do business partners talk about how kissable their partners lips are?” jimin asks, back to laying completely on the floor. there’s an awkward pause before he speaks again. “are you sure i can’t have another piece of brownie?”

“wait, who said the kissable thing?” hobi asks.

“yoongi hyung. he thinks y/n has nice lips.”

“and a nice ass,” taehyung adds.

“i hate you all,” yoongi grumbles from semi-underneath you. 

“you know you can kiss me if you want,” you tell yoongi before thinking about it. yoongi looks at you with something in his eyes that you can’t read, and your heart skips a beat. you look away from him quickly, turning the sound on the tv up a little louder. “actually, forget i said that.”

“i will if i can have more brownies.”

-

letting jimin have another piece was a mistake. 

nothing bad happened, he just ended up falling asleep on your floor and now he’s asleep in your bed after a nice group effort of carrying him to your room. hoseok left after that, saying he needed to get home for mickey’s vet appointment in the morning. he took some of the brownies with him and he’s going to try to get namjoon to eat one to see if he’ll do a dramatic performance of a poem or something for a dumb bet between him and jin. 

that leaves you, yoongi and taehyung. somehow there’s one less person on the couch now and yet you’re still smushed up next to yoongi, but you’re not complaining. it’s keeping you grounded, feeling him breathing next to you. otherwise you’d go back to thinking about his thighs in those track pants, and that isn’t good for anybody. it’s bothering yoongi though, if only because he’d rather be like this just the two of you, minus the nine foot giant next to him that found one of your newer vapes. it’s banana flavored, and yoongi finds himself wondering if your lips would taste like candy after smoking it.

“taehyung, can you stop blowing your smoke at me?” yoongi finally asks.

“sorry hyung, not many other places i can blow it,” he responds. “it’s a small apartment.”

“sorry about that,” you say, reaching for the vape in taehyung’s hand. 

“not your fault, y/n,” he replies. “you could invest in a bigger couch though.”

“or you could sit on the floor,” yoongi offers.

“why hyung? i thought you’d like sitting so close to y/n,” taehyung smiles. “beside, you can just buy y/n a new couch when your very successful brownie business kicks off.”

“yeah, since i am just a business partner to you,” you mumble, exhaling the sweet smoke. it wisps around yoongi and he tries not to look annoyed, but you like messing with him. he looks cute when he’s flustered.

“or you could buy a bigger apartment when you move in together,” taehyung suggests before getting off the couch. “but i’ll solve the couch problem for you, for now. jimin is awake and he found some of y/n’s school pictures, so if you’ll excuse me.”

“i’m never inviting you over ever again!” you shout, loud enough for jimin to hear you in your room.

“y/n, you were really cute in high school!” jimin shouts back. taehyung shouts “i wanna see!” before he’s gone, leaving you alone with yoongi at last.

“i was really awkward in high school,” you say more to yourself than yoongi. “but whatever.”

“i’m sure you’ve always been cute,” yoongi responds after a beat of silence.

“i don’t think you’re supposed to call your ‘business partner’ cute.”

“oh come on, you know i didn’t mean it like that,” yoongi says with a smirk, silent confidence starting to creep out.

“i would like a new couch, though,” you tell him. you smile at each other and it’s quiet again for a beat before yoongi speaks.

“you haven’t moved away.”

“what?”

“taehyung got off the couch, there’s plenty of space now, but you haven’t moved,” he explains quietly.

“yeah because the space is on your side, you should be the one to move.”

“what if i don’t want to?” yoongi asks, a slight challenge in his voice. you stare at each other for a moment before you lean in. your lips barely meet before you pull away, but yoongi’s cupping your chin and pulling you back in for a real kiss before you can crack a joke. it’s slow at first, but then you get more comfortable with it and move your lips slightly, yoongi following your lead. you part your lips and he deepens it, the hand on your chin falling down to the back of your neck to keep you in place. 

he was right, your lips do taste like candy. he could stay here like this forever, but eventually you have to breathe so you pull back and let your head fall down to the crook of his neck. you stay like that, catching your breath, and yoongi’s arms pull you closer to him to you’re fully seated on those damn thighs and he’s taking the discarded vape so he can have a taste, and he lets the smoke curl around you before he leans back in. now you get a chance to taste the sweetness on his lips, and you can’t believe you didn’t do this sooner. your arms are draped lazily over his shoulders, and you tap his back to signal that you’re pulling away again.

“for what it’s worth, i’ve always thought you had kissable lips,” you tell him. “but i have a better ass.”

“i’m not arguing with that,” yoongi replies with a smirk, cupping his hands around you as he moves so that you’re underneath him on the couch, lips tangled and the world forgotten. 

damn, you really should’ve done this sooner.

[imaginethathaikyuu]

tis the damn season

atsumu miya x fem reader 

the first fic in a series i like to call “Me Writing Whatever The Hell I Want” (a working title) hope u like it or dont idk im not ur boss!!!!!!!!!!

synopsis: Running away was easy when you were chasing hazy dreams of a big city that was destined to be yours, when your rear-view mirror showed nothing but your hole in the wall hometown. But now it’s all waiting tables and failing auditions. You were still running, but somehow, these winding roads always lead you back to Miya Atsumu - a man you’ve loved and left, until you return home for the holidays. 

tags: friends to lovers, exes to lovers, angst without a happy ending, established pre-relationship, friends with benefits, reader lives in Undisclosed Big City lmao who has celebrity dreams, atsumu is ur good ole southern boy (sort of), canon divergent, not edited, light nsfw, beginnings of sex but isn’t very detailed 

word count: 4220

song inspo  (tis the damn season by taylor swift)

-

i won’t ask you to wait if you don’t ask me to stay… 

. . . 

The soundtrack of this early morning replayed in your head as you made a hazy drive to the neighborhood’s hardware store, cutting left onto the correct street and forcing the car’s back tire over the curb you couldn’t miss. 

The replay of events looping in your mind? A whirring, then a splashing, then your father’s booming voice shouting curse words at anyone who could hear them. Your name was laced in there somewhere with demands for you to get to the kitchen, and you couldn’t tumble down the stairs fast enough to see what in the hell was going on. 

It was your first day home for the holidays, and already it was a catastrophe. 

Somehow your dad had busted a pipe underneath the kitchen sink and a strong stream of water was spraying halfway across the room because of it - your feet landed in a shallow pool when you finally reached the first floor. You didn’t have time to think of any questions before the man at fault, who was on his knees with his head hidden under the sink relentlessly trying to turn the water off, sent you out the door with more shouts, telling you to go to Miya’s Hardware and buy… something. 

“A connector?” You were talking to yourself, thinking out loud as you finally parked, but it didn’t help you remember. All you could do was walk inside the store and hope someone knew what you needed. 

It’d been years since you had been in this shop, but it looked just the same as when you were following your dad through its isles. You didn’t even bother browsing now, though - you went straight to the back of the store to the counter, expecting to see a familiar, perhaps older, face eager to help you. 

That isn’t what you found. 

“Well, hey stranger.” 

That voice rang in your ears like you’d just heard it through a megaphone pointed directly at you. Something about it was so warm, but it left you with a shiver down your spine and goosebump ridden skin. You could feel the hair on the back of your neck standing up, and you hadn’t even turned in the direction the words came from. 

But you didn’t have to look in order to know just who it was. “Atsumu.” 

“What in the hell are you doing back in town?” His voice rang with excited confusion; it carried the same inflection as anyone who’s happy to see you. Like nearly forgotten family members at a reunion before it all goes to hell, or the way the tone of your father’s voice changes when you tell him you’re doing well and mean it. People don’t speak that way often. 

He pulled you in for a hug and you gladly reciprocated, already forgetting that you were supposed to be in a hurry. 

“Home for the holidays. How have you been?”

“I’ve been alright,” he replied. “I’ve missed you.” 

His voice felt more like home than your four bedroom walls did, the charming drawl and depth in his words immediately reeling you in. It was familiar. You had spent a long time trying to forget about that familiarity; too long learning how to straighten out your words and lose any hint of the small town you came from. But Atsumu - he sounded like the epitome of this place. 

He didn’t give you time to reply, for one reason or another; instead he decided to push you back by your shoulders and get a good look at you. Up and down and up again, likely noticing every change you had made to your appearance in your time away. 

“Are you still wearing your pajamas, or is this a new… trend?” 

You looked down at yourself, “Shit,” and closed your jacket tight over the old graphic t-shirt you wore, but nothing could cover your pink polka-dotted pants. And you’d have been hit in the face with embarrassment if the image of your dad and the broken sink and a flooded kitchen didn’t smack you first. “Shit, no, um… I need something to fix a broken sink. Are you… do you work here now?” 

“I do - and you’re gonna need to be more specific.” 

“I don’t know, Atsumu,” you laughed, slowly realizing the bizarreness of what you were about to tell him. “I woke up to my dad shouting and water shooting out from under the sink, literally flooding the kitchen. He told me to get a part for the pipe… a connector, or a couple, or something - I don’t know.” 

“...A coupler?” 

“Yes!” 

“...He didn’t happen to tell you what size to get, did he?” 

The look on your face must have been a good enough answer for him, because he took off into a random aisle and left you wondering just how many sizes of couplers there could be. 

“This one will probably do the job,” he said as his path rounded the counter. “If it doesn’t, then, I can ignore the return policy for you. Just this once, though.” 

“Thanks, ‘Tsumu.” You made your payment and he slid your product over the counter as his elbows landed on it, leaning down to make himself comfortable. Like he thought he’d be there awhile. 

“How long are you gonna be in town?” 

“Two weeks. Why do you ask?” You knew why - you just wanted to hear him say it. 

“We should catch up.” 

He was grinning and shrugging and fidgeting with his fingers, just like he always did, and you would never turn down any offer he made you. 

“We should. I’ve got to get home, but are you free tonight?” 

“We close at six,” he said. “I’ll pick you up at seven.” 

“I’ll be looking forward to it,” you said, meaning every word. You wondered if he knew that. 

“So will I,” he replied, and then you made your way out before you convinced yourself to stay. 

It’d been three years since you last spoke to Atsumu. In that time, you had done a lot that felt like nothing, living in a different city that felt worlds bigger than this town - that city was a place you had once convinced yourself was all yours. You had pulled off running away effortlessly. 

But it didn’t matter how much time goes by between your meetings with Atsumu. There was something there that you could never shake, the hold you had on each other was anchor tight. Ten years could pass and you would speak to each other like it had only been one day. You’d have world ending fights and one of you would always come crawling back, letting the other win as long as it meant things would go back to normal. 

You couldn’t describe it. You never tried, you didn’t need to. The unspoken acts between the two of you didn’t need to be explained. It was something akin to a best friend with all the benefits included and most of the strings attached - confusing and nerve wracking but still so comforting. 

Atsumu was the closest thing to home you had in this town, and somehow every road always leads back to him. With a few detours on your part, of course, because you just couldn’t stay away too long. Even moving across the country didn’t change that - not like you thought it would. 

You just barely missed the turn into your driveway, being so distracted by your thoughts. So much was rushing back, so much that shouldn’t be - it isn’t a big deal, it’s just Atsumu, but it felt grand, like this was some massive reunion. 

But it wasn’t. You were only here to celebrate Christmas with your family. You weren’t even planning on seeing Atsumu, let alone meeting up with him or rekindling any kind of flame that was once there. 

And it was such a rush that you couldn’t even question why he was working at his father’s store - or why he was even in this town at all. What happened to the dreams he was chasing? 

For what felt like the first time in your life, you had questions for him. But you’d have to wait all day to ask them. 

. . .

You were thankful to come home to a dry floor and a calmer father - he finally figured out how to turn the water off and decided to fix the pipe later. You knew he’d inevitably be paying someone more qualified to repair it, but your mind had no space for that problem. 

You were still trying to figure out how you’d meander the night with Atsumu by the time he was picking you up, and when the two of you arrived at his home you still hadn’t found your answer. 

Easing into this would be best, and once alcohol was introduced to the equation it would turn into a slippery slope. 

Nothing was hard with Atsumu. You knew that - that’s why you couldn’t figure out why you were having such a hard time talking to him. 

A lot had changed. Not between the two of you, not exactly. You were right back where you were three years ago: on his couch, sitting too close to him, laughing at something he had said that was only funny because he said it. 

But your lives had changed. Your worlds had changed. His mind had very obviously changed, and because of it all, you couldn’t keep pretending that the two of you were teenagers again. 

You had to bite the bullet and ask the question that was on your mind, completely knowing that he could throw a hard hitting question back at you.

It came out more effortlessly and lighthearted than you expected. “So… what happened to playing volleyball?”

Atsumu scoffed. “You still remember that pipe dream? Nothing happened, it was just childish.” 

You didn’t like his answer, so you pressed him. You worked up the courage to start this conversation, so you were going to get to the bottom of things. “You said you wanted to catch up - I know you, Atsumu. You get what you want and you wanted to play volleyball. You were going to be a pro, you were good.” 

“I know you know me,” he said, and the smirk on his lips didn’t go unnoticed by you. “I wanted to get drunk and chat, not start up a fucking therapy session.” 

You sat patient and waiting, eyes on him, refusing to go without the answer to your question. You were teasing, really, eyeing him up and grinning as you watched him struggle. The problem was: you didn’t expect the answer you’d get. 

“I - I had the chance.” There was a scratch in his throat that wasn’t caused by the whiskey he’d just swallowed. “I was being scouted and playing my ass off and there were talks of being on an Olympic team one day, but… shit happens, and that’s it.” 

“What shit, Atsumu? You didn’t just give up, did you? Were you scared or something?” 

You didn’t realize how close you were to him until his hand came down to rest on your knee, and both of you focused on that touch as his next thoughts became words. “Dad got sick. And ‘Samu had just opened the restaurant, and… there were bills to pay and the store to run. Even though I wasn’t his preference, Dad had no choice and left the legacy of Miya’s Hardware to me, so - that’s where I am.” 

“Oh. I… I had no idea - I’m so sorry.” 

“It’s fine. You were already long gone by then - don’t say sorry.” 

“I’m sorry,” you said, and you hugged him without thinking, but he hugged you back all the same. “I’m sorry, ‘Tsumu.” 

“It’s okay,” he told you, but you didn’t feel okay. You were sure he didn’t, either. “It’s not your fault.” 

You pulled away from him just enough to look at his face, and you hadn’t noticed the distance in his eyes until just then. As you looked at him, you realized it was only familiar to now. It wasn’t there years ago, when you got to look into those eyes every day. 

“I should’ve been there for you.” 

“Don’t worry about it,” he said, but his words were dangling on an edge. He didn’t quite mean them. “You were off in your own dream. I got through it.” 

You only nodded. You weren’t sure what else to say after that. 

As Atsumu sat back against the couch, he brought you with him, tucking you under his arm against his chest. His lips on your forehead made you close your eyes and for a second, it was like you were both nineteen again. You could’ve been, if time would only slow down or freeze or go back - what wouldn’t you give for that? 

“I’m done talking about me,” he mumbled. “I wanna hear about your life now.” 

You laughed, but quiet, “My life’s been fine.”

“Only fine?” 

“You don’t see me on the big screen, do you?” 

He laughed this time. “Not yet. One day, though. Have you gotten used to the city yet?” 

“Oh… I don’t think I’ll ever get used to it, but… it does feel like home now. It’s so different from living here.” 

“I bet.” 

“I try not to romanticize it, but - I don’t know. It feels good, even if it’s not what I thought it’d be. The lights are pretty bright. Blinding compared to here.” 

His response was a nod, and that was it. If he had any questions or comments, he held them back. 

A break in the silence came soon, though. “You know,” he said, quiet, with a small laugh that was humorless, “I’m not as good at getting what I want as you think I am.” 

“That’s not true,” you replied, and you were setting up an argument you weren’t ready to make. “You got me.” 

“Did I?” 

“What do you mean?” 

Silence lingered, and after too long you sat up and looked at him, and that got him to talk. 

“Nothing,” he insisted. He pulled you closer with two fingers holding your chin, and you didn’t resist. “Nothing, baby. Let’s just… just be quiet for a while.” 

There wasn’t time for you to say anything else. His lips were on yours the moment he got his last word out. And even though you expected him to kiss you, it still made you gasp. 

You couldn’t describe how much you missed kissing someone you wanted to, and Astumu’s kiss was like finding home. His lips were like candy, sweeter than sugar; his bite was a freezing shock that always pulled a giggle and a whisper of his name out of you. He knew how to kiss you, slow and deep with a hand on your jaw to keep you there, never leaving you wanting more because he gave everything you could ever need. 

It didn’t take long for his kisses to trail down your neck, or for his shirt to come off, or for your back to land on the couch. You had already reached euphoria just seeing him hovering over you, eyes soft and hair askew; you didn’t need anything but this. You’d never want anything but this. 

You did what you always did - trailed your hand down his torso, over his golden skin, stopping just after every freckle or scar or mark. This time, you were looking for something new. You didn’t find anything. You didn’t stop until your hand landed on his waist, and there, you squeezed - 

“Stop, you little shit,” and he laughed, right along with you. A real and genuine laugh - you hadn’t heard that song in a long time. “Why do you always do that?” 

Finally he moved down to press his chest against yours, his hips locking in place between your legs. A perfect combination. 

“Why do you always give me the chance?” You were still laughing, not able to get over the cute sight. Atsumu was always so ticklish there, right on his waist, and when you made that discovery you swore you’d never forget it. And he sure as hell wished you would have. “You’re so cute. I’ve missed that smile.” 

“I’ve missed you,” he replied. Somehow you just knew that he meant it. 

“Don’t. I’m here.” 

“You’re here,” he repeated. Like he was reassuring himself. 

You took the initiative to unbutton your shirt yourself, so that there was no way for him to think that you wanted this to stop there. It couldn’t, not when you had him this close. And his eyes followed the popping buttons like stalking prey. 

“And you’re still the prettiest girl I’ve ever seen. Fucking hell.” 

You cringed - you couldn’t help the feeling in your gut when he gave you those sweet words. You knew he meant them in some way; you knew Atsumu wouldn’t lie to you. He’s never told you anything just for the sake of it. But how many times, in the last three years, had someone done just that? Told you just what you wanted to hear so they could get inside you? It was vile the first time. The second, it made you ache. But now, you’re used to it. Nobody means what they say. You’re used to it. 

And Atsumu could snatch up any girl he wanted. A girl who’s used to blinding lights and expensive wine and lying - or a girl who would stay with him, who wouldn’t push his buttons, who would be effortless in her charm and wit and beauty. 

You couldn’t put yourself in either category. 

“You haven’t seen many, then.” 

“Why would I even need to when I’ve got you? You’re a fucking dream. All I ever think about.” 

You shook your head, not even noticing you were doing it. Atsumu wouldn’t have it. 

“Don’t do that,” he said. “Not when you know what you do to me. You’ve got my heart beating out of my chest, for fuck’s sake - it has been since you walked into the store.” 

You never knew him to be so open with his feelings, or maybe you had just gotten used to being lied to. You weren’t sure and you didn’t care - all you could think about was kissing him, so you pulled him in, and you were sure he would devour you. You’d have no problem with that. 

It was desperate when you said, “I need you.”

And reassuring when he replied, “I’m right here.” 

He wasn’t close enough. You didn’t think he ever could be. And it was right then, when you were swimming in desperation, that you realized you shouldn’t have been doing this. It would only make leaving even harder. Doing it the first time was hell, letting him watch you leave and be okay with it. You hated yourself for wishing he wasn’t. And you were drowning. 

You hated yourself for leaving. 

You hated yourself more for coming back. 

And you didn’t want to be there, all of a sudden, despite the ache in between your thighs and the addicting warmth he had you trapped in. You didn’t want to be there and you didn’t want to leave, either - you only wanted something easy, but you’d never have it. Not here, and not in the city, and not with Atsumu. 

You felt him freeze, felt things shift. You hadn’t even noticed the way your energy had completely dropped. 

“Something wrong?” He moved up to hold your face. He noticed the tears in your eyes before you did. 

It was hard to look at him but you held his gaze, and his touch hurt more than it healed but you yearned for it. The concern on his face was genuine, the gentle strokes of his thumb on your cheek weren’t forced, and it all was making your stomach turn. 

He cared for you - obviously he did - but not enough to ask you to stay. Not enough to find trouble in letting you leave him. So maybe you shouldn’t have a problem with it, either. 

“No,” you said through a sore throat and a locked jaw. “Sorry, just…” 

“We don’t have to do this,” he told you. “We can just talk - I want to talk. If it’s too much -” 

“It’s okay,” you said. You tried to mean it as much as, “I miss you, Atsumu. I want you - touch me, I miss you.” 

“I know,” and he was wiping the tears off of your cheeks as he kissed your lips, “I’ll take care of you, baby, just let me. Stop thinking so much. Let me take care of you like I always do, yeah? You want me to help you feel good?” 

You always had a problem with that - thinking too much. He never hesitated to call you out on it. You nodded your head, strong and fast, like you were trying to knock the thoughts right out of it. 

“Please, ‘Tsumu.” You were crying for him, pulling him closer. “Need you. Make it better, please.” 

“I’d do anything,” he said. “You gotta quit crying, baby. You’re acting like our first time again.” 

You laughed at that, wiping your own tears and knocking his hands away. “God, that was so embarrassing.” 

“It was cute.” 

“It wasn’t.” 

“It was kinda hot, too.” 

“Atsumu!” 

It was his deep grin that made you relax again, and so did another blissful kiss that took your breath in a way that you enjoyed. 

“You can cry, baby,” he said, popping buttons on both of your pants, “as long as it’s because of how good I’m making you feel. That’s what you need, pretty girl. Let me show you how much I’ve been missing you - get these pants off, baby, let me see you.” 

He didn’t give you the chance to cry any more, at least not in an emotional sense. Your mind was stripped with your body, filled with nothing but him, no space between the two of you left for insecurities or questions. 

It wasn’t until he coaxed you into his bedroom that those things had the chance to creep back. 

Atsumu was out cold, cuddled into your chest and holding on tight to your waist, after smothering you in soft kisses and sweet sleepy words. You were comfortable there, warm and safe and content, but the pit in your stomach only grew. You watched him sleep, his mouth slightly open and eyes softly closed, and you wanted to reach down and kiss him but you resisted. 

It was late and you should be asleep but you couldn’t rest. You couldn’t stop loathing yourself long enough to close your eyes, and the more you thought, the harder it got to breathe. Your throat was sore again. Your eyes were watering again. And every word you wanted to say to Atsumu was tumbling out of your mouth and falling onto sleeping ears. 

“Why didn’t you ask me to stay?”

He didn’t stir. It was still rumbling breaths and the whir of the air conditioner filling the silence. 

“Everyone else did. But you. Why… You of all people should know I’m just as worthless there as I am here - I’ll never make it - I’ve changed everything and still…” 

You sucked a hard breath into your lungs to stop a wracking sob, just barely holding it in. 

“I just ended up here again. With you. I’m so alone without you but I can’t - fuck.”

It didn’t even matter what you were trying to say anymore, because you had no clue. You didn’t know why you couldn’t just stay with him regardless of his choice to let you go, but something in you made you run. Maybe it was worthless pride or a childish desire to be something more - you didn’t know. 

You didn’t belong in any industry you dreamed of working in. You weren’t born to be a star. You should know by now - should accept your failure and come back home for more than just one night. 

But you couldn’t. 

There was still a chance, wasn’t there? 

A chance to belong somewhere.

A chance to be led home.

A chance to make it. Would you die trying? 

You would leave in the morning. And you wouldn’t ask Atsumu to wait for you as he started getting ready for the day. And Atsumu wouldn’t ask you to ditch your own plotted destiny just to stay with him. 

But this would happen again. Every time you would swear it off and every time, you would travel roads that take you right back to this town, this bed, these arms. 

Running away would never get easier, but this is all it would ever be with him. He would never stop you leaving - and you would never ask him to.  

. . .

...so i’ll go back to LA

[rads-gossip]

Could you write about how the brothers would react to MC being turned into a little kid, maybe by a Solomon potion? But the MC was abused by their parents at that time, you don’t have to do that if that’s uncomfy for you though!

Btw I love your stories! They really brighten my day and make me super happy! Thank you for being so awesome!

A/n: Thank you so much for requesting this, you really made my day! And thanks a lot for the feedback it means so much to me, honestly.

Anyway, I hope you like what I came up with! :)

Imagine: MC being turned into a child

Asmo

He couldn't have known it. He couldn't have known how similar the bottle of his newest beauty product and one of Solomon's potions looked.

It was spa day for you and Asmo and he applied the liquid onto your face, at least he thought was the liquid he meant to use.

Asmo told you to wait for a bit and leave it on until he returned, and so you did.

Though when he returned, a very strange sieht greeted him. A small human sat on his bed with way too big clothes on. Needless to say Asmo already swooned as soon as he saw you and instantly went in to hug you real close and tight.

However, you flinched away from him as soon as he came close. Asmo felt a sting deep down, how could you be afraid of him, of his beauty?  He felt that something was wrong and crouched down with his arms laid on the edge of the bed.

Slowly you leaned back into his direction once you felt it was safe. Asmo reached a hand to your arm and began stroking it soothingly. He plucked one of the many flowers and held it infront of your face, his smile widening as you gave a shy smile. He kept talking to you about each and everything that came to mind while he brushed your hair until you fell asleep.

Beel

The potion Solomon had concocted smelled amazing, even though he didn't knew what it was. He had left it on the kitchen counter after Lucifer called him into his office. Just a few minutes later you came into the kitchen, being on cooking duty and thirsty, you grabbed the bottle and took a good sip.

When Beel returned, he was left puzzled. Infront of him stood a human child with MC's clothing pooling around them on the floor. You simply looked up at him with big, round eyes. He instantly went into big bro mode and made to ruffle your hair until you winced heartwrenchingly, ducked and flinched away from his touch. Beel stopped his movements completely and stood perfectly still while you still had their eyes closed.

He had to kneel onto the floor to be even remotely close to being eye-level with you. "Hey there, little one. I am not going to hurt you, you are safe here."

Upon hearing him speak, you opened your eyes and looked at him. Beel put on his best puppy face which didn't falter one bit when he looked into your teary eyes and opened his arms to you.

You were convinced he meant no harm and almost threw yourself into the hug. Beel was careful while embracing you and felt tears drenching his shirt. His heart almost broke then and there and he rubbed your back to calm you down.

Later, he took you into his room and shared some sweets with you.

Belphie

You two were in bed cuddling and having a movie night when you felt thirsty and felt around to grab your drink. However, unbeknownst to you, the bottle you grabbed wasn't the one you aimed for.

Belphie woke up from the place he had fallen asleep when, previously leaning on you, he suddenly hit the mattress after losing you as his pillow. It was enough to startle him and actually get up to see what was going on.

That was when he found you cowered in a corner of the bed, pillows protecting you from each side.

You were much smaller than he remembered, and then it hit him, sleep almost completely gone.

He rushed to your side and found the bottle, now emptying it's contents onto his beloved  pillows and mattress. An involutary growl followed by a hiss left him as he looked at you, a tad bit overwhelmed at the situation.

Wanting to check on you, Belphegor walked to you but after hearing the sounds that had come from him you were terrified and as he came closer, you draped everything around and above you in fear.

He went and grabbed each layer to toss it to the side, until he was able to get a good look at you. That was until a scream of fear left you, fearing for the worst, tears began to stream down your face.

Belphegor stooped in his tracks and raised his hands in a motion to show he meant no harm. Slowly he reached down and grabbed a blanket from the ground, crawled onto the bed inching closer to you while holding the blanket out. You looked at him for a while until you finally got closer to him and he wrapped the both of you in his blanket, rocking back and forth slightly. Whoever made you this afraid of being harmed, they would pay.

Levi

You two have been gaming all day, and it was your turn to go to the kitchen and get food and drinks.

As you went back to his room, you took a sip of a bottle. Then Levi heard bottles crash and a bowl hit the ground. He went up to his door and opened it, schicken at what he saw there.

You stood there, half the size you were before you left, food and your drink sticking to your now too big clothing.

Levi gasped and rushed over to you, way too fast for your liking. You covered your face with your hands and whimpered in fear. He was left dumbfounded, someone being afraid of him?

He was incredibly nervous and didn't know what to do, it might be best to call Lucifer. But first he had to get you to calm down and maybe give you something clean to wear. He crouched down while holding his hands up and talked to you, ranting about anything that came to mind. You felt he meant no harm and took his hand to let him lead you back to his room. There you played some games and watched TV while he secretly told Lucifer all about what happened.

Lucifer

He left you in his office for a second to get the wine bottle he forgot in the kitchen. You saw a bottle in his shelf and went ahead and poured yourself a glass, thinking it to be wine.

When he returned, a child sat on his desk with a glass in hand. It took him only a second to realise what was going on and that you had taken Solomon's potion he had kept out of his brothers reach.

He rushed over to you and ripped the glass out of your hand and put the bottle away from you. Then he turned around and his anger was blown away as he saw tears streaming down your face, a heartwrenching sight really.

Slowly he went over to you and you instantly put an arm infront of your face to shield yourself from a possible hit, but there came none.

Lucifer wondered what you had been through to elicit this reaction, it hurt him to say the least. He knelt down so as to not tower above you and slowly put a hand on your arm, giving you a genuine smile and apologizing for being too harsh but explaining why he did it and that he was worried about your well- being. Then he called Solomon to order him to his office for a lecture and the antidote.

Mammon

The both of you were in his room, Mammon so desperately wanted a partner to practice his pokerface with. You two jumped slightly upon hearing Lucifer calling Mammon to his office because of a new stack of bills that arrived.

As you were left alone in his room,you opened one of the bottles he had standing on his shelf and poured yourself a glass.

After an hour Mammon returned and almost screamed when he saw a small you sitting  on his couch. The cards were a mess as you had played with them to your hearts content, the chips laid everywhere on the floor.

Mammon hurried to you and made a fuss about how he was screamed at by Lucifer and now had to clean up the mess you made and also has to get you back to normal somehow.

He rants about that for a long while until he hears you sniffle and sees you crying. Immediately he feels bad and wants to comfort you but as he leaned closer to you, you flinched away.

He was a bit hurt but assured you he meant no harm in any way. To show you that, he made some grimaces and laughed back at you when they made you smile at long last. He tried to forget that he surely is in for another lecture as soon as Lucifer knows what happened.

Satan

You were sitting in the library with Satan sipping wine and reading together. At some point Satan got up to get a new book because he had finished the one he was reading.

You took another bottle and poured yourself a glass and took a sip, that is when Satan returned and called out to you to not drink that, but it was too late. Infront of his eyes you turned into your child self.

Satan was furious with himself that he wasn't there to prevent you from drinking it and taht he'd so recklessly left it laying around. He rushed to you and went to take the glass from you but you flinched away, shutting your eyes tightly.

In that moment all his anger vanished and he was full of concern and regret. Had he scared you with his wrath that you expected him to hurt you?

He reassured you in hushed whispers that he meant no harm and apologized for being so harsh. He asked if it was okay to touch you and then slowly pulled you into his lap, then he grabbed a book that was easy enough to understand and read out to you until the potion finally wore off.

[kanonsarchivedblog]

Redemption

Author's Note: What if Mayuri Kurotsuchi died during the Thousand Year Blood War? Who would take over the role of Captain of the Twelfth Division? This is an answer to that in the form a redemption for Urahara Kisuke and the Captaincy that had been wrongly stolen from him.

Word Count: 4,767

Characters: Urahara Kisuke, Hirako Shinji, Kyouraku Shunsui, Shihouin Yoruichi, Otoribashi Roujuurou, Kurotsuchi Mayuri, Akon, Kurotsuchi Nemu

Ship(s): Hirako Shinji/Urahara Kisuke

Setting: Post-Thousand Year Blood War

Warnings: Major Character Death

━━━━━━━━━━━━━━

You can’t have peace without a war, that’s how the saying goes. It spoke true; the Seireitei, while in shambles, was calm. Peaceful. The sound of hammering in the distance, of laughter and voices calling out to one another. Rebuilding, slowly but surely- with the aid of Shinigami and civilians alike. And the occasional Arrancar. The dead were still being retrieved from the various fields on which battles took place upon. Last time the toll had been released, they were well into the hundreds. A devastating blow to them all- on both sides.

It was difficult; so many young Shinigami had been killed, but so had many young Quincy. Too many, truthfully. Some of their own Captains had been casualties of the war: Head Captain Genryūsai Shigekuni Yamamoto had been one of the first to be slaughtered before their very eyes. Aside from him, the entire first division had been killed- all one hundred and six members, in the very beginning of the war. Following this had been Fourth Division Captain, Retsu Unohana- all for the sake of getting Zaraki Kenpachi to learn the true name of his sword and release his bankai, something that had nearly killed him. Their beloved Thirteenth Division Captain, Jushiro Ukitake had been killed somehow. Very few knew the truth of the matter-

That he had become the new Soul King. That, since birth, he’d been doomed to take over when the time came. A ticking time bomb, of sorts. But to the rest of Soul Society, he’d been another casualty of war.

Many others had nearly died; Captain of the Third Division, Ōtoribashi Rōjūrō, Captain of the Ninth Division, Muguruma Kensei, and both the Captain and Lieutenant of the Tenth Division, Tōshirō Hitsugaya and Rangiku Matsumoto, had all become members of the living dead due to the the Sternritter Giselle Gewelle’s ability. Captain of the Sixth Division, Byakuya Kuchiki, had nearly been slaughtered by the Sternritter Äs Nödt. For all intents and purposes, the Lieutenant of the Third Division was dead, and yet he still walked: Izuru Kira, who lost not just an arm, but a lung and portions of other organs after having a hole shot through his torso. Their new Captain Commander, Kyōraku Shunsui, had lost his left eye and part of his left ear, as well as having a hole shot through his sternum, nearly killing him.

Many others had been injured just as grievously. But that was what war did. It took and it took and it took until there wasn’t anything left to take. War was greedy.

One other had been taken from their ranks. Mayuri Kurotsuchi, the Captain of the Twelfth Division, had been killed during the battle. Details were still coming in, but from what was known, he’d sacrificed himself in the final moments to save his greatest creation, Nemu Kurotsuchi, his artificially created daughter. It seems that even the coldest and most detached of people could, in the end, redeem themselves and save those who they held closest to their hearts. It was certainly interesting to hear.

After all, when Urahara Kisuke had been Captain of the Twelfth, Mayuri had been a right bastard to deal with. He could still remember that day he pulled him out of the Maggot’s Nest, and the following years. How they had worked well together, even if the bickering was nearly constant, as well outright insubordination.

Many would grieve in silence for those that had been lost. The Fourth Division was busy; Isane Kotetsu was now the defacto Captain. She was young, but strong, resilient. She would survive.

Somewhere within the Division sat Rose and Kensei, sharing a room. Izuru Kira had his own room- something that was necessary, given the extent of his injuries. Kuchiki Byakuya was being treated at the Kuchiki Mansion; Kyōraku Shunsui, at the Kyōraku Mansion. Somewhere below them, Aizen sat, chained back up.

Kisuke sat in the bed, studying the way dust danced within the sun’s rays that spilled through his window. He wasn’t injured, not really; Benihime had made sure that her master would be pieced back together completely. All that was left of her work were the thin, surgical stitches that stretched down his face, across his knuckles, over his joints. They didn’t hurt. At least, he didn’t think they did. If there was pain, he was numb to it.

He supposed he owed his thanks to Grimmjow for saving him. He’d thank him later. Right now, the Pantera was hunting for a certain Shark that sat within one of the many, many cells beneath Soul Society. He was accompanied by a Ram and a Wolf.

He could thank Mayuri for saving the Wolf. Coyote Starrk had been a savior. A sharp shooter and a hidden weapon in Hueco Mundo.

There was also Kurosaki Ichigo. That kid deserved all of their thanks, and more. Without him, they’d all be dead. He couldn’t help but wonder where he was, right now. Back home in Karakura Town? Or here, lingering with those he’d fought beside?

Slate hues closed, listening to the hammering and calling. To the sound of laughter and weeping. Of birdsong and creeping silence. He was tired. More so than he’d ever been in his life.

But now was not the time to rest, not with the figure lingering outside of his door. Five minutes, Shinji had been standing there, reaching for the door and dropping his hand, only to reach again. A sigh escaped Kisuke as he swung his legs over the side of the bed. “Come in, already!” He called, amusement shining in his words.

The door opened, and the blonde made his appearance at last. “Didn’t wanna disturb yer beauty rest, your highness,” he teased, lips quirking up in a crooked smile.

Kisuke could remember the first time he’d seen that smile. “I think I’ve had enough beauty rest to last a lifetime,” as if to prove a point, he stretched his arms up over his head, listening as various bones popped and creaked, as if singing a song of rest. “You aren’t here to give me the latest gossip, are you, Hirako-san?”

A shake of the head. “I wish I were,” Shinji sighed, closing the door behind himself as if that would give them any privacy. It wouldn’t, but it was certainly the thought that counted. “We were called in for an emergency meeting. Y’know how… Bad everything is right now.”

“You’re down three captains, and the new Captain Commander is on mandatory bed rest.” Kisuke answered with a shake of the head. “You’re fucked.”

“And now in the fun way.” Arms crossing over his chest, Shinji grimaced. He was still in pain, too, it seemed.

Not surprising; he’d taken quite the beating as well, from what he’d heard. “I have a question to ask you.”

No, the Soul Society will not get a discount on any products they purchase at the Urahara Shoten.” A joke, though it seemed to fall flat. “... What is it?”

“You know Kurotsuchi-taichou was killed.”

“Yes.”

“They’re without a Captain now.”

Slate hues widened before narrowing, understanding quickly settling in. This was the one thing he had never been prepared for. “Nemu could act as defacto Captain.”

“She can’t. She’s a child again.”

“Of course she is.” Damn Mayrui. “Akon?”

“Doesn’t have a Bankai. Or a Shikai. At least, not one that's on record.”

“Of course he doesn’t. Of course Mayuri would keep all of his underlings under a careful watch and not allow them to progress. Of course he would. He never did think about anyone but himself.” A bitter laugh slipped free, one full of anger and mourning. A scarred hand reached up to rub at pale blonde hair. “What are you asking, Shinji?”

“You know what I’m asking, Kisuke.”

“I want to hear you say it.”

A pause. Shinji sucked on his teeth, lips pressing taunt. “The Captain Commander wants to know if you’ll step in and take over the position of Captain of the Twelfth Division once more.”

A bark of laughter escaped Kisuke as he tossed his head back, baring his throat and chest. He knew this was coming. But to hear it spoken aloud? It made everything suddenly so real. “Central Forty-Six is going to disagree.”

“It’ll be overridden. We’re down three captains and Soul King knows how many Shinigami.” Shinji’s lip curled into a scowl as he shook his head. “We’re fucked.”

“We’re fucked.” Kisuke agreed softly, gaze slipping from Shinji to study the floorboards. “Whose idea was it?”

“It was agreed on immediately that you were the only one who could take over the Twelfth and not accidentally kill everyone.” The humor in Shinji’s tone brought a smile to both of their faces.

“You’re not wrong there.” A pause. “... I have some conditions, then.”

Shinji waved his hands. “Save it for the official meeting. Shun’s calling it in three days time. We’re all to attend, no matter what it takes to get there.” He pushed away from the wall and turned. “I’d love t’stay and all, but I gotta make sure my Division isn’t all dead.”

“You make a good Captain, Shinji.” Kisuke murmured, watching as his back tensed, as his head raised. “You always have.”

“... Get some rest, you ogre.”

The door shut, and he was alone with his thoughts once more.

━━━━━━━

Three Days Later

━━━━━━━

The meeting did not take place within the Captain Commander’s hall. The First Division was still being cleaned of bodies and blood. Instead, it took place within the halls of the Kyōraku Mansion. The grounds were lovely, sprawling, teeming with deer and birds and streams. It was easy to see the wealth and prestige that came with the name.

But it was nothing compared to the Shihōin estate that Kisuke had grown up on.

Speaking of, Yoruichi had joined him. He’d requested she be allowed to attend, and lo and behold, his request had been approved. The past three days, he’d been talking with her and Tessai, deciding on their plan of action.

Now, it would come to fruition.

“I know this isn’t the First Division, but it will have to make do for the time being.” Shunsui spoke, breaking the idle conversation that had been occurring and drawing all attention to him. He wore the Captain Commander’s coat, but beneath was a simple violet yukata- loose fitting to accommodate the bandages that wound around his torso. His head was still bandaged, as well.

No one looked to be in good health. Across from him sat Rose and Kensei, both of who looked uncomfortable. Rose was bandaged around his middle, as well. Kensei’s color was still returning to normal. Behind them stood, or in Kira’s case, sat. Kira didn’t move. Didn’t breathe. He didn’t seem to be paying attention. Hisagi looked ready to pass out at any given moment.

No one else was any better, aside from perhaps Isane Kotetsu. Akon stood behind the empty chair where Mayuri should

have been sitting. Rukia Kuchiki stood behind the empty chair that should have held Ukitake.

“This meeting, while formal, is occurring off the books. We are in a grievous state, and while peace may be here, there is always the chance that it could break at any moment. That is why we are here.” He cleared his throat, brows furrowing. “We are rebuilding, and we have a shaky alliance with both the Quincy and the Arrancar- for now. I do not believe that we are under an immediate threat. However, there are certain items that must be addressed.

“The first of which is the passing of four of our Captains. There will be funerals held for each of them within the coming weeks. They will be open to the public. They will be grand, as is deserving of each.” The finality in Shunsui’s voice left no room for argument. “Captains Yamomoto, Unohana, Kurotsuchi, and Ukitake will be remembered for the rest of time for laying down their lives to save Soul Society, as well as the… Hundreds of others who were lost in battle.”

Hundreds. The word is heavy within the room. Everyone had lost someone in some form, whether it be family, friend, or lover.

“Secondly, it is time to right the errors of our past. This is the reason this meeting is occurring off the books. I plan to contest the banning of Urahara Kisuke and Shihōin Yoruichi personally before Central Forty-Six.” Murmurs drifted through the room. It was one thing to bring up the idea, but another to say that it will be happening. “Which is why they were both invited to attend this meeting.”

Gazes turned, landing on the pair. “Ohayo,” Kisuke hummed, leaning his weight upon Benihime, who was in her sealed form. “I have questions about that.”

“Of course you do,” Sui-Feng muttered, though she remained silent otherwise.

He pointedly ignored the angry little bee. “I was made aware that you all agreed that I should take over my former position that had been ripped from me one hundred and… What was it, twelve? Thirteen, now? Years ago. A title that I had rightly earned before I was condemned for a crime that I did not commit, which we all are aware of now, yes?” A quickly, cursory glance around the room. “I know a few of you here were too young to remember what happened. But let me refresh your memory, shall I? Aizen was working on a way to create Hollows out of Shinigami and chose three of your captains and one of the lieutenants here, now, to test that on, as well as Hiyori Sarugaki, my former Lieutenant, Hachigen Ushoda, formerly of the Fourth Division, and Love Aikawa, former Captain of the Seventh Division.” The words cut like a hot knife through ice, stinging and causing a few to look down or away.

“But some of you were not too young. Some of you remember when it happened, and you did nothing to intervene. So for the last one hundred and thirteen years, I have been living in the World of the Living, aiding the Vizards. Miss Shihōin had been exiled from her own family, even if they did not want to do so. They had no choice. So!” Kisuke clapped his hands together, watching as Isane jumped. Oops. “My condition is that not only we be pardoned of this crime that we did not commit, but that Miss Yoruichi Shihōin also be allowed back within Soul Society. My shop will remain within the World of the Living in Karakura Town. Tessai Tsukabishi, the former Captain of the Kido Corps, who was also wrongly convicted, will also be pardoned. He will remain and run the shop, looking over it and the two Modified Souls whom I created and love as if they were my own children, Ururu and Jinta.

“Those are the conditions upon which I will accept the Captaincy of the Twelfth Division once more. If they are not met, you’ll just have to find someone else who is capable enough to run the Division and understand how Mayuri Kurotsuchi’s mind worked. No offense to Akon or anyone with the Twelfth currently, but I don’t think any of them could actually handle that. After all,” his voice quiets, head dipping, a shadow falling over his eyes. “I was the one who brought Mayuri out of the Maggot’s Nest. Should any of you

forget, I was also the Commander of the Detention Corps, as well as a member of the Onmitsukidō.” Chin raising, slate gaze swept across the room, taking in the silence that had fallen. “I’m not asking for a compensation fund. I’m not asking for a new Division. I’m not asking for a golden parade through the Rukongai. I want an apology. And I want for Central Forty-Six to admit their mistake.”

Silence met him. It was as if no one had expected for Urahara Kisuke to speak out, to give demands. As if he, too, hadn’t been wronged by the events of the past. As if he, too, did not deserve an apology. As if he, too, were not angry and bitter over the mistakes of the past.

“Lest you all forget that without me, you would not have had the Twelfth as it is today. There would be no S.R.D.I.. Mayuri would have died in his cell. And you all would be dead, now, because Kurosaki Ichigo wouldn’t have been born without Isshin Kurosaki, someone who I helped personally. And you would be down four Captains and one lieutenant.” Jaw set, he met Shunsui’s gaze with his own. “These are the requirements. And I will not settle for any less, Captain Commander.”

Shunsui shifted in his seat, a peculiar little smile curling at the corners of his lips. One that read ‘I anticipated this’, or perhaps ‘All is going according to plan’. “Of course, Urahara-san. It will be done.”

“Will it?” Kisuke countered, head titling, voice low. “Just what do you have on the Central Forty-Six that would turn their vote so quickly, Shunsui-san?”

A chill crept into the air as the Captains and Lieutenants sat straighter, stood straighter, cast their gazes down. No one dared speak, no one dared to break the silence that had gripped their throats and held them captive.

“That,” Shunsui began, rising to his feet slowly. “Is for me to know, and for you to never find out. That is all that needed to be said. This meeting is dismissed.” His face was pale; it was beyond time for him to retire. Another session of healing, no doubt.

Kisuke made his way out, Yoruichi at his side. “That was ballsy,” she murmured, gaze trained ahead. “But good.”

“I figured a history lesson was overdue.” Kisuke replied with a soft chuckle, shaking his head. “Go, I’m sure no one will mind if you-”

She was already gone.

“-visit your family.” Sighing, he began the slow walk back towards the Gotei Thirteen, gaze downcast. He could hear murmurings from behind him- surprise, shock, anxiety. A presence settled in at his side, shoulder gently bumping against his arm.

“Think it’ll happen?” Shinji asked after a good few minutes of walking in silence.

“He managed to convince them to let Aizen out.” He hummed, head rising to study the horizon. “I don’t know what he has up his sleeves, but… I believe there is a chance I’ll be back to torment you, Hirako-taicho.”

The grin Shinji sent him was brighter than the sun. He couldn’t help but smile, as well.

━━━━━━━

One month later.

━━━━━━━

“I stand before you today to contest a punishment that was given over a century ago,” Shunsui began, gazing up at the blank blocks before him. Behind them sat the members of the Central Forty-Six. “I am aware that I was here merely two months prior. A lot can happen in two months.”

“Like losing hundreds of Shinigami,” one voice spoke up.

“That is the casualty of war, something that you all seem to forget exists outside of your protected lives.” Silence met Shunsui. “We lost four captains. And while there are many who could step up the plate, one of those is impossible to replace.”

“What are you suggesting?”

“That Urahara Kisuke be allowed back into the Soul Society and be allowed to take his mantle of Captain up once again.” Shunsui fell quiet as yells met him. Anger, alarm, it all spilled out.

“URAHARA KISUKE? DESERTER.”

“LIAR, A DANGER TO SOUL SOCIETY.”

“HE’S BEEN IN THE WORLD OF THE LIVING FOR TOO LONG.”

He raised his hands, listening as the voices died down. “I understand your anger. However, merely a few years ago, the Vizards were pardoned. Why should Kisuke not be pardoned, as well as Yoruichi Shihōin and Tessai

Tsukabishi.”

“THEY’RE TRAITORS TO THE SOUL SOCIETY-”

“THEY ABANDONED US YEARS AGO-”

“THEY SHOULD BE KILLED-”

Shunsui raised his hands once more, his brow furrowed. “Maa, maa- please, allow me to speak.” Agitated silence met him as he cleared his throat. “I’m not Yamomoto. I haven’t been here since the beginning. I was just a child when this place was really coming together. But because of that, I have been able to witness the way everything has changed and grown. How we’ve become stronger, how more and more Shinigami join our ranks each year. I was a Captain by the time Urahara Kisuke joined our ranks, stepping out from the shadow of the Onmitsukidō. I was able to watch as he built the Twelfth up from the bottom, and watched as he created the Shinigami Research and Development Institute. Without him, we wouldn’t have the Gigais that allow us to investigate further into the World of the Living, the Tenshintai. What Mayuri had to work with wouldn’t have existed without Kisuke. We wouldn’t have even had a captain to fill his place originally without Kisuke; he was the one who brought Mayuri out of the Maggot’s Nest.

“At the end of the day, you have to sit back and consider more than what those of the past did. At the time, there was no true solid proof that Urahara Kisuke, Yoruichi Shihōin and Tessai Tsukabishi were behind the hollowfication project that was, in actuality, spearheaded by Aizen. Their only crime had been being at the scene, trying to help their friends. When you consider this, along with how they have continued to aid us despite being stranded in the World of the Living for so long… Don’t we owe them this?” Murmurs began to echo through the tall chamber. Forty-six voices all talking, debating. Shunsui stood, hands folded politely before him as he waited.

He was right, and he knew it. After all, it had been his idea in the first place. Without Kisuke’s aid, they wouldn’t have ever had Kurosaki Ichigo to help them. Aizen would never have been stopped. Yhawch would still be alive, and they would all be dead or acting as prisoners. There wasn’t any real debate to be had other than stubborn old men wanting to keep history as it is.

“So, I ask once more: I wish for Urahara Kisuke to be allowed back into the Soul Society and be allowed to take his mantle of Captain of the Twelfth Division and Captain of the S.R.D.I. up once again as well as pardoning Urahara Kisuke, Yoruichi Shihōin and Tessai Tsukabishi of their wrongly accused crimes.”

Silence settled across the chamber. A pleased smile curled Shunsui’s lips as he relaxed.

━━━━━━━

Two weeks later.

━━━━━━━

The First Division was peaceful, calm, filled with idle chatter as the Captains and their Lieutenants gathered within the hall of the Captain Commander. There was no surprise written upon their features; they knew what this meeting was about. Even so, they stood, chatting amongst one another, until Shunsui made his way into the hall to settle in at the head of the hall. He used a heavy, cherry wood cane to aid him; it would not be a permanent fixture. Each day he grew stronger, healing from his injuries.

“Well, then,” he murmured, rolling his shoulders before raising the voice. “Would the new Captain of the Twelfth Division enter?”

The great doors opened, and standing within the entryway was none other than Urahara Kisuke, green and white striped hat nowhere to be seen. He no longer resembled the young, awkward Captain he had been one hundred and thirteen years ago. Now, he stood tall, still, gaze trained forward. He made his way in slowly, geta clad feet making soft ‘clacks’ with every step. Behind him, surprisingly, walked a black feline, trotting to keep up. He turned to the left, and stepped into the place where he’d once stood, where Mayuri had once stood.

“Very well. Now, since we are all here, our first manner of business…”

The meeting did not last long; many were still in frail condition, such as the Third Division. The walk to the Twelfth was quiet, calm. Yoruichi had slipped away, returning to her family for the first time in far too

long. She wouldn’t be taking up the mantle of Head of the Shihōin family; that title had passed to her younger brother. Instead, she’d become an aid to him, and split her time between the Soul Society and the World of the Living. Tessai didn’t want to return; he had no desire to come back. He’d handle the shop and keep an eye on Karakura, along with Jinta and Ururu.

Kisuke was pulled from his thoughts at the sound of a throat clearing. Head snapping up, slate gaze hues widening at the sight of his new lieutenant. “The last time I saw you, you were extremely little and didn’t have a nicotine addiction!” Kisuke greeted with a grin as Akon let out a bark of laughter.

“It’s good to see you again, too, Captain,” Akon replied, shaking his head as he fell into step beside Kisuke. “A lot’s changed.”

“I’d be more alarmed if nothing had changed. It has been over a century, after all!” His head tilts back, studying the sky. “It feels strange to be here again.”

“It does.” The sound of a little voice calling had both men pausing, glancing behind them, only to watch as a little black haired girl came bouncing over, nearly stumbling over her sandals. Nemu. Akon knelt down, arms open, allowing the girl to climb up into his arms. “Nemu, meet Urahara Kisuke. He’s taking over as Captain.”

“I remember him. Where’s your hat?” She asked, big dark eyes gazing up at Kisuke.

“Decided that it wouldn’t be appropriate to wear at a meeting,” he winked, and with a wave of his hand, it was as if the hat appeared out of thin air. Nemu’s eyes widened in surprise, mouth dropping open into a little ‘o’. “But I never wander too far without it.” Gaze turning, he took in the sight of the Division, how much it had changed, how large it had become. “Well…”

“Wherever you want to begin, I’ll guide you to it.”

A grimace. “Notes? Or did he burn them all again?”

“Surprisingly, he didn’t.” A shrug as Akon began to walk once more, carrying Nemu as if she were his own. Members of the Twelfth stopped where they stood and bowed low, murmurs of welcome echoing through the air. “I don’t think he had the foresight to do that.”

“Good,” Kisuke nodded, clapping his hands together. “Then let's get to work.”

“Aye-aye, Captain.”

━━━━━━━

That Night

━━━━━━━

The night air was cool here compared to the warm autumn air of Karakura Town. Geta clopped along the top of the wall idly with no true direction. That is, until the sound of a snicker drew the attention of the shoe’s owner. Head tilting, Kisuke glanced behind himself to find Hirako Shinji standing behind him.

“Can’t sleep?”

“Haunted by the past.” Kisuke replied, settling down on the wall. Was he in Shinji’s Division? He hadn’t realized he’d walked that far. “You?”

“Insomnia’s a bitch.” Shinji settled down on the wall, kicking his heels against the sturdy structure idly. “... It feels good to have you back.”

“Does it?” He mused, stepping closer before settling down, shoulder bumping Shinji’s before leaning against the other. “Never thought I’d hear you say that.”

“Fuck off,” Shinji teased, leaning his weight back against Kisuke’s shoulder. Together they sat, silence falling across them like a light dew in the early morning hours. Without speaking, Shinji reached over, taking hold of Kisuke’s hand. Calloused fingers drifted over stitched scars. “She did a number on you.”

“Benihime is a benevolent woman. I respect that,” Kisuke replied softly, watching Shinji’s fingers. “What about you? How’s your head?”

“I’ve had worse.”

“Touche.”

A chuckle slipped free from both men. Kisuke sighed, leaning over to rest his head atop Shinji’s own. “This is what you missed?”

“This and more.”

“It doesn’t feel right without Hiyori yelling at us. Or Love laughing. Or Hachi worrying…” Brows furrowing, he sighed. “But they like it in the World of the Living.”

curled Shinji’s lips as he pulled Kisuke’s hand up to his lips, pressing a lingering kiss to his knuckles. “Some of it will be, Captain.”

[thepriceofbeingaroseisloneliness]

KAORU PERSONAL INTERVIEW SPECIAL HEADBANG VOL.27 TRANSLATION ½

The ideal figure that the guitarist who leads the band as a leader got while struggling, and the reason for his unstoppable pursuit. “When we released "CLEVER SLEAZOID", we were still chasing an ideal, and I think we didn’t reach it. We didn’t, but I feel that pursuing how we could do that, the power at that time, remains in it as something that could be only be produced at that moment. If you look at it now, I think it’s connected to reality”

Notes before reading: This is the first part of the personal interview of Kaoru from the magazine Headbang Vol.27 released on 18th August 2020.  The interview is 11 pages long and this part covers the first 6 pages. As Toshiya and Die’s interviews, 2nd part is focused on his roots as a guitarist and overseas experience. You can read Toshiya’s personal interview here You can read Die’s personal interview here

 You can get the magazine at Amazon Japan or CDJapan.

 Feel free to correct me if you spot any mistake or any confusing parts.

 Links or credits to this post when the content is reposted or captured in other SNS is appreciated :) -------- Text by: Yohsuke Hayakawa The first to appear in this magazine is Kaoru, the guitarist who is also the composer of the latest single "Ochita koto ga aru sora”. Starting with the process of making the single, leading up to the completion of this new song, the days of struggling to pursue the ideal sound, the originality that they got from that, and the current band that has not changed from the past intense days. What I saw on him was, the figure of a stoic leader who bet on Dir en grey possibilities and devoted himself to it. Also in the latter half of the interview with the theme of “Albums that inspired you”, he did  not only  talk about X Japan and national legendary bands that changed his life, but he also talked enthusiastically about the unknown world that he learnt from Hide and Tsuyoshi Nagabuchi, who he is a fan of.  “I think there is something that can be challenged now” -First of all, I would like to ask you about the corona outbreak we are currently in, but it was impressive when you, with your own words, announced on SNS  a live without audience ‘The World You Live In” that was held in March with the message of  "it’s not the things that we can do now , it’s the things that only can be done now”. I thought the movements of DIR EN GREY with these rare activities and projects that entertained fans were summarized in those words. K: Well, that's right. There are things that can be done in the current limited situation, things that we wouldn't normally do, things that we didn't come to, and things that we can challenge now. There were quite a few things that were more like "Let's do it".  Regarding lives without audience, we don’t know how long this situation will keep going on but, under these circumstances, it wasn't that much at that point in time for us to perform live. We thought it would be a plus for what we are expressing and what we are going to express in the future. Also, we tried to do it in a moment in which you could feel something. -Including the streaming that came after that, I think there are many people who felt closer to DIR EN GREY. In particular, the livestream of talk between members (DIR EN GREY LIVE ARCHIVE & SPECIAL TALK) is a project that you wouldn’t had think of before, isn’t it? K: (laughs) We don't usually talk much. -(Laughs) Moreover, I thought that it was only now that we could see an appearance of the combination of Kaoru and Shinya acting ‘as usual’. K: Well, that's right (laughs). -Is that something that you could do now, 23 years after your formation as band? K: No (laughs), the main reason is to do it is the situation right now. If this weren't the case, I think the idea wouldn’t even come up. Normally there are live performances, so I'd like people to feel it there, but we can't do that now. Well, it’s just to entertain the fans, but after all we thought it would be nice if they could feel something similar to that, feeling excited by our presence. -I see. So, regarding the status of the announced the Pia Arena MM performances for the  tour final "The Insulated World -The Screams of Alienation-" in July, you probably were thinking about what do to about them until the very last minute. K: That's right. It was decided a few days before the announcement that the lives were canceled. Of course, we also made a set list, and the production side was also moving. The entirely staff were informed, and everything was working. I actually went to the venue and talked about how it would be possible to hold the lives in these conditions. However, there may be some people who couldn’t come no matter how much they tried to. There was also the risk of not knowing if you can do it until you start it. -I think it was canceled after assuming the kind of live performance that was possible to be held, but it was a really tough decision. K: Well, it couldn’t be helped. -Oh, in a nutshell. K: Yes, it couldn’t be helped, it couldn’t be helped. What we could do following the rules (the government guidelines) is the reason we couldn't do it. Tickets were sold in advance through the fanclub, but in fact, with the spreading of Corona on the way it already had a significant impact on sales. -Oh, that was what happened? K: Yes. So, in response to that, we even came up with the idea that all the arena would have seats not only the designed areas. We could do that by reducing the capacity in order to keep a social distance. That way, we also thought that we might be able to do it. However, there may still be some people who wouldn’t be able to come, and moreover, there were a lot of things that we couldn’t do in both days. Well, it was a half-way point situation. Therefore, there is no choice but when the situation calms down, to relocate the dates. -Under such circumstances, you said you were producing the single in parallel. K: Yes, we were planning to release it around the Pia Arena performances, so we have been working on it for some time. -And “Ochita koto ga aru sora” was completed. The original melody was composed by you but, the title was announced in May. I wondered if it was going to be a song that brings melancholic elements to the forefront. I was trying to imagine it. K: (Laughs) Ah, the atmosphere of the title. -Yes. The sound that we actually got is bursting with DIR EN GREY-ish aggression that explodes from the beginning including a grooved dragging guitar riff. So, to put it into words, I had the impression the style of DIR EN GREY was contained in a "super condensed" form. It's used in a kind of luxurious way, with the melody refrain being minimal by scraping off the excess. K: That’s right. This shape (final song) is like, we were really worried about it and it felt like it just got here. Along the way, there were elements that would make things more exciting, more piercing. There was more development.  However, we made it in that way, but I felt like “Well, I’m tired of it” (laughs). -Hahaha. K:  Rather, it doesn’t seem as interesting as usual. This is really…. words may not match…it’s somehow Japanese. I wasn’t satisfied with anything, so it felt more like I was speaking out my mind (laughs) I scraped it off though. -The reason why the song became very condensed is that all the members were looking in the same direction. K: Well, I don't know that. However, as my method, I don’t really decide (the direction) at the beginning. If you do that, the result will be in that shape and I prefer to explore the possibilities. Besides, because I don’t know if the rhythm really matches the melody or if the back-melody matches, there are many things to think about, so I don't want to decide at the beginning. Under such circumstances, I didn’t know what to do in the end.  Well, I settled on something that someone said, or something that inspired me, but it was hard to get to the point where I could see it.- -As a result, I feel that the single became very DIR EN GREY-like. K: Yes, that’s right. I was working on it while thinking that there was that “likeness”

-Did you imagine the development of this single with an impressive melody popping out even though it’s aggressive? I wonder if something like this come out naturally.

K: No. I didn’t really imagine that. Even if I try to imagine, there are things that I can’t imagine at all.

-So, how does the completed form of this song look to you?

K: This time I was arranging it all the time based on the data of the tentative/provisional  songs recorded at the beginning. So, with that, it was almost brought to this finished form. From that point on, Kyo sang again several times and changed it slightly but along with the melody from the beginning, it was made with that flow. However, there were setlists that each member made during this time, right? (”DIR EN GREY AUDIO LIVE STREAM 5 DAYS" that was broadcasted on YouTube in May).  As you could see there, there are various DIR EN GREY, right? On the other hand, I feel that whatever we do, it will probably feel like DIRENGREY-ish.

-Something that can be hidden anymore. There is something that oozes out.

K: Well, very much, as far as you don’t do something different. I was too worried. When I told the members that I didn’t know what to do, I was told ‘You don’t have to think so much about, right?”, so I was like ‘is that so?’. In the end, the song turned out like this (laughs).

“At that time, I kept struggling to find out how to get closer to the sound I envisioned.”

-Oh, that’s what they told you. As for the form of songwriting, you work remotely regardless of the corona, right?

K: Yes, that’s always the way. So, nothing was different than usual for us.

-The change was that you couldn’t go outside between work time.

K: That’s right. I was concentrated on it all the time.

-Always? (laughs) Then, in that situation, that a member told you to not think about too much, did those words make it easier for you?

K: Well, you can open yourself to new options like “well let’s do it this way a little more”. However, it’s something that I do all the time. Year after after, it’s not finished.

-It will take some time to complete the song.

K: It takes some time. After all, if it doesn’t become something interesting, I feel like what should I do. It takes time to move from the first stage, the members listening to it and go to the “let’s do this”.

-What’s that next step?

K: Listen to the demo songs together and decide to try one from the songs that are there.I think it’s necessary to put a song and drop the world view and the atmosphere of the song clearly at some point, but it takes a long time to get there.

-I think it’s difficult to express this stage in words, but it’s the key to make songs.

K: Yes, it’s quite difficult.

-However, this is also one  of the traits of  DIR EN GREY but, the chorus that enters at the key points is burning with passion. It seems like it’s going to look good live.

K: As I said before, Kyo is the one who puts the chorus, so it’s normal than the rest don’t know where the chorus is until we record it.

-It doesn’t matter how the guitar riff is going…

K: Yes. It doesn’t matter. That’s why we have to practice all the time during the rehearsal before the live performance. I’m the type of person who can’t do different things at the same time, so I skip it quite a bit (laughs)

-Hahaha. You leave it to the other two (Die and Toshiya)

K: Yes (laughs).

-Then there is another retake of the song “Clever Sleazoid”. What made you pick this song again?

K: He said that he wanted to translate the lyrics into Japanese. Kyo said something like he wanted to try it because the lyrics from the original song changed. It was like, “Well, let’s try to do it”.

 -Then, how about the completed form after re-recording?

K: Well, it was already released once, so I don’t really care about it(laughs) Some people liked the original, others will like the new version. Except for the lyrics, the tempo is a bit faster but overall, it hasn’t changed much.

 -Originally, this song was released in 2005, but when you look back on DIR EN GREY at that time, what do you think is very different from the present of the band?

K: I would say that there is a solid feeling now. Rather than trying to catch up with anything, I think we are proceeding in a somehow calm manner. The same applies to the stage. It was 15 years ago, so we were young….it was like an apprenticeship, now we are old men, that’s what different from that time.

-What do you remember pursuing at that time?

K: At that time, I was struggling to get closer to the sound I was envisioning.

-Do you mean that you haven’t been able to achieve what you were looking for?

K: Yes. It’s the same with the songs. I was thinking about the sound aspect every, like “How can I make a powerful heavy sound” every day.

-Was that a personal thing?

K: It was for the band as well, I often talked to the members about the kind of sound I wanted to do at that time for the CDs but also for the lives as well, I wondered how could I do it. But at that time, I was struggling to understand it like, “I haven’t achieved it, but I can only show the power of pursuing it while looking for the way to reach it”.

“I haven't reached it, I can only show the pursuit and power of" how can I do it?"

-Did you see anything regarding that aspect when you started going overseas?

K: No, what I thought when we started going abroad was the importance of being ourselves. I wonder if that would be the most powerful thing. So, around 2005, I felt like I was still chasing my ideals.  Like a way that I could I express them in this way. But since we went abroad… and I started to notice that being ourselves was the best more and more….. how could I say it?,..it seems that the destinations we were looking at have been pinpointed all the time. It’s not about how to do it, if we could express what was in ourselves more and more, we would change it to the consciousness that would create that kind of sound.

 -That means, for example, that when you released “CLEVER SLEAZOID”, looking back, you hadn’t reached that point that you are talking about yet.

K: I think we didn’t reach it. We didn’t but I feel that pursuing how we could do that, the power at that time, remains in it as something that could be only be produced at that moment.

-True. It emits an unbelievable power and it was a proof of that struggle.

K: Yes. If I look at it now, I wonder if that it’s linked to its originality.

 -Surely.   After that it connected with THE MARROW OF A BONE (2007). Around that album, did you feel like you obtained that you were looking for?

K: Well, I think I did, but still at that time, I was wondering how I could do it. So I think it’s only recently that I’m thinking in this way.

-Ah, recently?

K: Yes, about “DUM” (DUM SPIRO SPERO, released in 2011). But “DUM” isn’t recent either (laughs)

-Hahaha  you noticed that…that’s right (laughs). In an era when you were struggling to pursuit something, you became solid as a band. Then, the atmosphere in the band would naturally change for the better, because it means that from that moment, along with them and the music, you have reached your goal.

K: I think so.  Also, what could I say about our band?..... All the members think that they have a different feeling about their knowledge and ability to imagine but, the reaction will definitely come when the song seems to settle down in a “this is it” form. Some of us will say, “I think it’s better do it this way”, while other will say “if we go in this direction, we should do this”. Therefore, that we can talk about such things has not changed from the past. While my senses are growing, after all there is still an atmosphere of pursuit in the end, in doing more and more interesting things, so I think that’s a good place for us.

-Even if you gained more knowledge and experience, it doesn’t feel strangely calm at all. K: It’s not. If that happens, it wouldn’t be interesting.

 “Now I think, do we really want to do that?”

 -I see. So, the mastering engineer and mixing-in engineer this time are also talented, but did you proposed the selection of these people to the members after listening to how overseas artists sound?

K: Sometimes I do. As for this engineer,Josh Wilbur,  the director said he would like to try to work with him once and asked him to mix “Ochita koto ga aru sora”.He had been trying to get in touch with him for a long time, but he couldn’t, but he was able to communicate with him this time and asked, "Would you like to try it once?".

 -Josh Wilbur is a person whose range of work goes from Avil Lavigne to Lamb of God. How was the result?

K: Well, I’m glad we asked for a simple one.

-After all, with that width….

K: It’s better that way. This kind of person will return what you ordered exactly as you ordered it. Sometimes no matter how much we explain it, there are people who don’t understand, so they don’t know what to do. At first, Josh used to put a lot of effects on songs and so on. Listening to that, Kyo said "nothing is good" (laughs). The exchange was interesting, though.

-If you leave the decision to someone else, something that shocks you can come out.

K: Yes. Wow, this person comes quite a bit (laughs)

-(Laughs) At that moment, you understood his way.

K: So, Josh’s first mix was more metal-ish. Also, the sound of the drums….it wasn’t like it was crazy but it felt like bumpy….it was like “mmm, it’s a bit different”, but after several exchanges with him, it went well.

-What about Jens Bogren (who has worked with many famous metal bands such as Arch Enemy and Opeth) who mixed “CLEVER SLEAZOID”?

K: It’s a different type (of mixing) from Josh. Jens has worked with us several times so far so  he knows the directions.

-And the mastering engineer for the three songs of the single, including the live version of  “Followers”, Brian Gardner (Linkin Park, Michael Jackson, Madonna, Eminen etc..) is the same one than “Ningen wo Kaburu” and “The World of Mercy”.

K: Yes. If you change the mastering too much, it’s hard to predict the finish result.  It’s difficult to know how the mix will turn out, so if you want to change the engineer that does the mixing, you should do the mastering with the same person as before.

-I see. Because the song will be created from the scratch again.

K: Well, that’s also interesting but I’m worried about what to do if it fails…

-About the future of DIR EN GREY, of course, I think that you will only do what you can do under these circumstances but, what kind of expectations do you have?

K: We are thinking about moving towards making an album.  As for concerts, it can’t be helped that we have to wait until we can do them, so I guess that I have to devote myself to making songs.

-Taking advantage of this situation, you will be able to concentrate in that.

K: Well, that’s right. I have time, so in that sense it’s easy to concentrate.

-In fact, is it time already to move into the album?

K: Yes. After Pia Arena, we were planning to go to production as we don’t have any concerts.

-For example, the single “The World of Mercy” included an acoustic version of “Dozing Green”, was there any talk about trying to do an acoustic live at these times?

K: Sometimes….that’s right. If we do that, I have to think about acoustic arrangements for that so let’s do a normal live performance (laughs). It’s not a bad idea to do a live like that because of this situation but, it’s like “do we really want to do it now?”.

-Ah, I see. Apart from your intentions it doesn’t make sense to you to simply say “We’ll do it because we can do it” in the current situation.

K: Yes, I think so.

 “Without “BLUE BLOOD” I wouldn’t really be who I am now” (second part here)

[shadowling-guistical]

Sit and Bleed.

Roman asks Remus for advice, and Remus delivers. In his own, mildly disturbing way. Somehow, bonding ensues.

Yeah idk either. I shared this to one of my friends and they said, and I quote, "Hey mishi i love you but wtf? Did remus posess you?"

So like, enjoy?

WARNING: Extensive blood talk, period talk, mild injury, mild gore, and generally just canon typical Remus shenanigans.

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"Do you think that it's true?" Roman had asked him one day, "That writing is easy? That you could just sit at a typewriter and… And bleed?"

It had been dusk, and somehow, Roman had Imaginationed the setting sun to send it's final rays streaking across his room. From where Remus had been lying, splayed out on Roman's carpet like a human sacrifice waiting for a malevolent god, it looked sickeningly beautiful. The gold that bathed the room, the warmth and splendour, he thought it was just saccharinely horrid.

Roman turned his chair to face him. Remus turned his head. A heartbeat turned into two before he scoffed.

"Please," Remus idly picked his nose, rolling the products he found jammed up in his sniffer into a small hard ball and flicked it off to god knows where. He hoped it landed on Roman's pillow. "If writing were that easy, I'd twist my foot off and feed it to Virgil's tarantula,"

"It used to be,"

Remus sighed, swinging his legs up before he leapt onto his feet with a soft oof. Roman went back to his writing, ignoring the sound of Remus' spine popping when he straightened himself. The Duke sauntered to Roman's desk, looking over his shoulder to see…

Nothing.

Well, nothing substantial .

Bits of writing here, a doodle there, scratched out ideas at the corner, angry scribbles at another…Oof.

His twin must have noticed, because Roman’s tone was bitter.

“Not anymore,”

"Yeah well," Remus muttered, thinking of glittering yellow eyes filled with mischief and a sly smirk underneath a shadowy hood, "A lot of other things used to be easy too,"

"Well? What do you think?"

Riiiiight, typewriting and bleeding. Remus scoffed, "Well willya lookit that. You never asked me before, why start now?"

Roman groaned, "... Remus I’m serious here,"

"Hey! It's true," Remus swiped the paper and crumpled it into a ball. Without looking, he threw it over the shoulder. Roman scowled when he sees it bounce onto his bed, "What's up, Prince stink-a-lot? You ask me to come hang out. You didn't kick me out when I wiped boogers onto that skinned angora cat you call a carpet, and now you're asking me questions? What gives?"

"...it's just…"

God, it’s just this and it’s just that , Remus wanted to pull his hair out already. He wished Roman would just spit it out. Just vomit it out and get this over with. Really, getting his stupid twin to just spew whatever was rattling in that noggin if his was worse than pulling teeth out of a gator. And Remus would know, he tried it a lot over the years.

"I just wanted to be like you,"

And there it was, whatever thing that had been sitting in his twin’s gut like a 5 foot long tapeworm.

…

Like him.

Like Remus.

The Duke of Dastardly Deeds.

Mr. Dark and Disgusting himself.

Roman "Pretty Boy" Sanders wanted to be like him?

Remus leaned forward, far more amused than shocked.

"...You're fucking with me,"

"No, I am not," Roman was looking at him with those intense green eyes of his and woah… the guy really was serious, wasn't he?

Huh.

Curiosity reared it's head, familiar and cloying somewhere inside of Remus'  stomach. Then again, it could have been the extra potent shaving cream he had over his deodorant earlier today. Who fucking knows.

"Why?" He finally asked.

"Because… You've always made it look so… easy," Shaking hands ran through unruly curls, "It comes easier for you than it did for me. Always did. Just— How do you do it, Remus?"

The other twin considered it for a moment.

Had it really? Admittedly, Remus didn’t really notice it. He hummed. Sit on a typewriter and let yourself bleed , huh?

Well. He apparently had a crisis to handle.

Remus leaned against Roman's desk. Lightly, he ran rough, clumsy fingers on a splotch of dried ink absorbed into wood.

The tone that his Other Half (Don't make it weird Tumblr, he didn't mean that way. So put those pitchforks down and back away. Thanks.) had used while gesturing to the stack of papers and feather quills on his desk now morphed into disgust, "it feels like I just don't have any flowing in me anymore,"

"Well duh," long, dirty fingernails tapped against polished wood, "It's because bleeding isn't supposed to be easy, you doofus," He sighed, and Roman’s expression caused him to nearly want to groan and drape himself over the table. God, it was so fucking obvious that Roman really had no idea, did he? "You know, If you wanna go all gross metaphor with me, you gotta at least not half ass it,"

"Okay, but half ass it how? That how the saying goes,"

With all the tact and delicacy of a blunt axe, Roman’s words were cut off.

"Then it's a shit saying,"Before Roman could protest, "Look do you want me to help or not? Yeah? Then good. Just shut up for a sec and spill the juicy details," Pause, "Okay, what do you know about periods?"

Roman stiffened, obviously beginning to not like where the conversation was steered to. Because not even Jesus could take the wheel when Remus was behind it. However, Roman reluctantly let his shoulders relax when his twin brushed him off with an eye roll. Cautiously, because Remus still needs to be handled much like a skunk would.

"Remus— “

"Oh just relax. This is going somewhere. Trust me. And I won't do any shit I can't clean up. Just answer the question,"

Roman looked queasy, but swallowed heavily. He supposed he did ask, "I guess, just what Thomas learned in Sex Ed,"

Hm, he could work with that.

"So absolutely shit! Great! I just love the educational system in Florida. Wonderful. Wish the Nerdy Wolverine was here to tell you. But you only got me so it'll have to do— Should've prepared a whole musical number about it too—"

Remus held out his palms, and Roman sees the skin tighten. It strained and stretched before it ripped into a bloody gash.  Roman grimaced, the other unperturbed. In fact, he daresay Remus looked curious. Like he was mulling over what to say.

"Eh, Follow up— Have" Remus let the blood pool into his cupped hands. A tablespoonful turned into a cupful and soon it was overflowing. He tipped his hand so that the blood dribbled down. Drip drip drip, a small stream of blood hit the floor in splatters, "Have you seen it before? Period blood?"

"What?” Oh god, he feels like he could gag, “Gross—! No of course not,"

Remus rolled his eyes.

"Unfeminist much?" The dry tone was met with protest.

"I'm not!—" Roman spluttered, "I don't go around looking for what comes out of people's pants, Remus!"

"Yeah yeah, but did you know they're chunky though?"

"I— What the fuck Remus?"

"Just...humour me for a sec. So they're chunky," Remus sort of flicked his hand, sending smaller droplets flying. A particularly large droplet streaked across Roman’s floor, "Thick goopy, disgusting— Hey, think of that the next time you scoop out some Crofters eh?"

Well, there nearly goes Roman's lunch.

"Oh god.” He pushed down the tickle at the back of his throat, “Please don't— Just, get to the point,"

"Okay okay. Jeez. The point is," two scarred, calloused hands rubbed together, letting the blood smear, "Is that even blood flows differently,"

The hands raised up, tinged red and both of them marred with an angry, red, jagged tear.

"Look at this shit. See? Not everything that comes out is the same. Some places will drip. Others flow and some? They're chunky. That's just how it is. you can't expect chunky blood to flow as easily as fresh blood,"

Without letting Roman mull on the morbid metaphor, he ploughed on.

"Oh yeah— And blood coagulates. It dries up and turns to scab. It won't stay bleeding forever. It's not supposed to. And expecting it to is just stupid, so write that down with your fancy quill,"

Blinking, Roman's mind slowly caught up with him.

Flowing blood and drying and scabbing— He soon deflated.

Oh.

Oh…

He just watched wordlessly as Remus wiped his hand against the fabric of his outfit. Flakes of dried blood sprinkled down joining the droplets on the ground like some sort of morbid snow.

" And just in case you forget, because of course you do. Scabbing is good. Personal experience guaranteed. It heals things. Plus…" the hand with the cut waved again. Exaggeratedly, mockingly, and even Roman couldn't help but to crack a smile, "You gotta make a pretty deep cut if you wanna bleed a lot,"

Maybe Roman was imagining the softer tone that Remus had let bleed into his voice.

"And if you bleed a lot, you gotta let yourself scab,"

A long, slow exhale.

He had to let himself scab.

"And… You've kinda been bleeding a lot, didn’tcha?"

"I…" Roman swallowed, mouth suddenly dry, "...Yeah...I think so,"

"Been making some huge cut lately to get it flowing?…"

"...Mmmm…" Shaking breaths, fragile and soft. Okay… okay… "Remus?"

"Hmm?"

"Do you… do you think I can… I should—"

Should he stop?

"... Course you could, you stupid bleeding heart…" a hand found itself in Roman's hair, gently carding it. Really, almost petting it, "...But fuck Ro, if that isn't the thing we all love about you, you doof. Of course you can. And you should. In fact, I am telling you to,"

Hesitantly, a pair of arms circled themselves over Roman's shoulder, pulling him close.

Remus didn't mention it when he saw broad shoulders decorated in tassels begin to  shake. He didn't pay attention to the soft sobs that sent a Prince, unwavering and strong, shaking. He didn't care about the way Roman's face had crumpled.

"It's time to let it scab, Roman. And try not to pick at it too much,”

Outside, the figure that had been leaning against the door for the better part of the last 10 minutes smiled.

Heh… Credit where credit's due, he supposed.

He tilted his bowler hat forward and began walking down the hallway. No need to worry.

Who knew that the Duke had it in him.