#stop talking about souls and inherent evilness like some sort of christian

[vamprisms]

me: you literally have a disorder. this is symptoms

me: no perhaps my soul is rotten

[kingofthewilderwest]

The ridiculous thing about bigotted Christians freaking out about an 'upside down cross = demonic' is that---- it originally wasn't? like it was meant to represent humility because one of the apostles got crucified upside down so as to not be crucified the same way as jesus and so like- that's the least demonic thing ever? but of course it then got appropriated by edgy- 'anti-religious' jerks and lost it's original meaning...

I love my faith and I love my God, and while there’s many great forms of scholastic study and lovingkindness going through the modern church… there are also those enormous and worrisome pockets of… ignorance and lack of education. Like this guy.

I was literally thinking about that too when he mentioned the inverted cross! [high fives you] The traditional account of Peter’s death arose through Christian texts.

I think this evidence is a bit of a stretch, but some people have used John 21:18-19 as reference to it:

“Very truly I tell you, when you were younger you dressed yourself and went where you wanted; but when you are old you will stretch out your hands, and someone else will dress you and lead you where you do not want to go.” Jesus said this to indicate the kind of death by which Peter would glorify God.

But the tradition was more clearly introduced to us through apocryphal Early Church writings. And honestly it got brought up really early too! Like, I’m talking Clement in his Letters to the Corinthians talked about Peter being martyred circa 90 C.E. - around the same time some Gospels were probably written!

Peter, through unrighteous envy, endured not one or two, but numerous labors; and when he had at length suffered martyrdom, departed to the place of glory due to him.

Peter was first mentioned to be crucified upside-down circa 180-200 C.E. in The Acts of Peter:

I beseech you the executioners, crucify me thus, with the head downward and not otherwise: and the reason wherefore, I will tell unto them that hear. 

And when they had hanged him up after the manner he desired, he began again to say: 

“Ye men unto whom it belongeth to hear, hearken to that which I shall declare unto you at this especial time as I hang here. Learn ye the mystery of all nature, and the beginning of all things, what it was. For the first man, whose race I bear in mine appearance, fell head downwards, and showed forth a manner of birth such as was not heretofore: for it was dead, having no motion.”

[yada yada yada he yaks some more, learn to be brief, my dude]

“For it is right to mount upon the cross of Christ, who is the word stretched out, the one and only, of whom the spirit saith: For what else is Christ, but the word, the sound of God?”

Tertullian, a bigass name in Early Church writings, described in Ch. 15 of Scorpiace, written sometime between 203 and 211 C.E.:

At Rome Nero was the first who stained with blood the rising faith. Then is Peter girt by another, John 21:18 when he is made fast to the cross.

And Eusebius of Caesarea, who’s ALSO rather well-read as a Christian Church Father, who I keep going back to time and time again in my extrabiblical studies, wrote in the fourth century in Book III of his Ecclesiastical History:

Peter appears to have preached in Pontus, Galatia, Bithynia, Cappadocia, and Asia to the Jews of the dispersion. And at last, having come to Rome, he was crucified head-downwards; for he had requested that he might suffer in this way.

Whether or not it happened, I mean, I’m not the one to say. I wasn’t there back then. But it’s obviously not “evil” where the inverted cross concept came from. It’s also… blatantly Christian. I’m making that should-be-obvious distinction because, SHOUTING TO THE IDIOT JUDGERS IN THE BACK, NON-CHRISTIAN DOES NOT MEAN “EVIL” aurghghghg.

Like… the inverted cross… The Cross of Saint Peter… is sort of A SYMBOL FOR THE POPE because he’s the successor of Peter????

Now like. Everyday Christians don’t make a habit of wearing upside-down crosses, that’s true. And sure, in recent years it has been used by non-Christian groups. But like. That doesn’t matter to me anyway. I know is has connections to anti-religion and SORT of isshhh Satanism (BUT!! the prime symbol of Satanists is actually the Sigil of Baphomet):

Literature has long depicted anyone who has embraced Satan and thus rejected Jesus as having embraced the reversed cross as symbolic of that act. Satanists are free to employ any symbols which they feel have resonance, so if such an upside-down cross has personal meaning they could use it.

But like, I don’t care if it has connections to that. That’s not some indicator saying people are inherently horrible evil blights of humanity who’ve lost their moral way. Yikes. :( Contrarily, every human’s soul is beautiful, valuable, and important. We’re all equally capable as humans of acting kindly or falling down bad roads, doesn’t matter what religion you affiliate with. There are infinite beautiful, loving, cherishing, morally-conscious souls who hate religion… or simply enjoy heavy metal music. We need to stop judging people based upon what religion they follow, and appreciate everyone for the beauty they bring this world.

And frankly… what’s weirder? The fact that some people put a cross upside-down to protest or maaaaybe be edgy against an organized religion that has legitimate ongoing societal issues… or the religion itself which decided “Let’s wear a torture device on our necks!!!”

(I do wear crosses, but I will mock myself for that anyway. It *IS* a weird tradition, that *WE* appropriated a symbol of execution to become a symbol of salvation.)

The fact this dude got immediately scared of me for wearing a symbol ain’t good. Even if I HAD been wearing it as some anti-religious emblem, that doesn’t mean we should judge someone else as being “bad.” Someone not being of the same religion as you doesn’t mean they’re evil, for crying out loud. And turns out this guy was flagging down a theologically well-studied worship pastor’s kid.

(And for the record, his “scary upside-down cross” was just Bill Cipher’s top hat, oh dear Thor.)

I’m not going to be scared seeing someone with an inverted cross. It’s the swastika I care about. And guess what? Some of those fucking assholes who wear that sign also wear a right side up cross.

P.S. If I accidentally messed something up, I am so sorry and I did not intend to! Let me know and I’ll fix the post.

[asphaltapostle]

What I have long predicted is now coming to pass: Google believes it should assume control.

Out of all the technology companies that have made my knees knock and my voice hoarse and my [Tweets manic](https://twitter.com/search?f=tweets&q="google" %40ficklecrux&src=typd) as a technoheretic in the past several years, Jumbo Google would easily take home the winning trophy for Dystopian of the Millennium. I have been rehearsing an especially dear pet prophecy of mine, unsolicited, to family, friends, and podcast guests since 2011 in which I end up arguing quite convincingly that Google is a dead ringer for the 16th-century Vatican: an inherently self-isolating organization with an absolute monopoly yielding gargantuan levels of essentially passive income from a service which nearly everybody transacts with, but only Google understands (and is therefore assumed to be its only possible provider,) which inevitably develops such a distance from the rest of the populace and their way of life (in tandem with total notoriety and celebrity among them all) not intentionally out of malice, but from the delusion of mythically-bestowed philanthropic duty that is borned of and compounded by this economic and cultural isolation in a perpetual accumulation of power and wealth that radicalizes the monopolizers — the majority already highly predisposed to zeal as they would’ve needed to be in order to find themselves in this singular, universally powerful position over every other class — and leaves their egocentric minds to wander exempt from all criticism save for that of fellow radicalized monopolizers, who together begin to feel more and more comfortable wondering aloud about themselves in increasingly fantastic presumptions: what if all of this was bestowed upon us because we are superior to them? What if it is our divine responsibility as superior beings to take charge and shepherd the common people as our sheep — for they cannot possibly know as well as we what is truly best for them?

You see it, right? And you can feel a very specific flavor of terror that is both awed by the scale of the circumstances created by so few human minds and sincerely amused by the absoluteness of your own inability to alter them in any way. Perhaps you even recognize this taste as one perfected by Christianity’s ancient advertising business, but Google knows so much about you that it’s rumored to’ve been selling user data to the Judeochristian God for some time now at a 10% discount, and so we extrapolate and anticipate, yes?

Of course, it’s admittedly satisfying for me to deliver you to this godfearing place in the most perverse look what I saw first that you didn’t see because you’re just not as bright but lucky for you, I’m so fucking generous with my wisdom sort of thinking around which the entire personas and livelihoods of fringe movement fanatics are built upon, but this is my one thing, okay? I’ve been waiting years for the right time to formally argue this theory in depth, and — thanks to this year’s public spotlight finally pivoting on the giants who’ve been silently swallowing their competition and relentlessly forcing their already ridiculous margins higher and higher in relative obscurity for decades, the time has come, indeed. The common people’s trust in Google had a godawful week.

Don’t Be Evil

On Monday, Gizmodo reported that twelve frustrated Google employees were quitting the company in protest of their work assisting the Department of Defense to “implement machine learning to classify images gathered by drones” for the detail fleeting Project Maven, despite some 4000 employee signatures on a letter addressed to CEO Sundar Pichai requesting (in full) that he “cancel this project immediately,” and “draft, publicize, and enforce a clear policy stating that neither Google nor its contractors will ever build warfare technology,” citing the infamous “Don’t Be Evil” motto, which Google then proceeded to remove from its code of conduct for the first time in 18 years the day after the New York Times article went to press, on April 5th.

On initial approach to the abstract of this story, from the ass to our thoughts arrives an easy narrative of a Silicon Valley mutiny comprised of twelve brave, conscientious souls who’ve been eaten up inside by their complicity in the filthy deals made by their power-obsessed CEO over scotch and cigars in a dark D.C. study — kept awake for months by the sound of his puffing cackles at satellite images of dead toddlers in a bombed-out street.

Ah ha, we say. That man is no good, and he just wouldn’t listen! They knew they didn’t have a choice… They only did what they had to do…

The reality of internal disagreements at Google, though, manages to be even more theatrical. The sheer volume of correspondence must surely be beyond anything capable of the enduser’s imagination, so let’s phone a friend: my favorite peek into the day-to-days of inter-Google existence is an old blog post by Benjamin Tilly on his first month at the company in which he was compelled almost immediately to describe in great detail how best to “deal with a lot of email in gmail” at peak efficiency using shortcuts and labels. “As you get email, you need to be aggressive about deciding what you need to see, versus what is context specific.”

Now we have a bit better idea of the aggressive emailing that was a sure constant on a normal workday at Google in 2010, so it must’ve been deafening after 8 years of Gmail development as 4000 employees no doubt vented, debated, and decided to organize last month, though without making much headway because the leadership’s response was apparently “complicated by the fact that Google claims it is only providing open-source software to Project Maven,” this new knowledge having significant effect on our mind’s image of Sundar Pichai’s activities in Washington: he is now swapping seats with a frustrated Colin Powell in order to install OpenOffice onto his desktop from a flash drive, and we recall that Google’s Googleplex headquarters resembles nowhere in modern life more than a brand new playground built in a design language borrowing heavily from Spy Kids. And though these Twelve disciples are unnamed for the moment, a few of them could immediately land book deals by going public, and every single one would always have by default not only the badge of “I landed a job at Google,” (which is really to say I have hit Life’s maximum level cap,) but “I worked at Google for a while, but ended up quitting to do something else,” which is guaranteed to make you the most interesting, intellectually superior person present in whatever crowd for the rest of your life. The ultra-cool Sarah Cooper quit Google to become a comedian and even got to talk to Kara Swisher! I won’t pretend to understand big tech’s diminutive bastardization of prestige, but “more than 90 academics” jumping to publish an open letter (adjacent to a huge DONATE: Support the Campaign to Stop Killer Robots button) in which they “write in solidarity with the 3100+ Google employees” who’s terrible boss decided to help some lackeys in the Pentagon set up their email and didn’t text back for a whole hour doesn’t sound 100% sincere. Notably, I don’t know how or why the fuck 90 people would go about collaborating on a single document, but if it really was managed, they definitely used Google Docs… At one point, it was fun to think about the history of the friendly side-scroller-playing garage ghouls and dorm dorks who gave cooky, wacko names to their dot com startups in parody and defiance of the lame-ass surname anagrams on the buildings of their established competitors, but those who’ve stuck around have only done so by becoming expert at SUCKING UP EVERYTHING around them, and it pisses me off every day how worried I am that my species will finally be done in by a company with a name like Yahoo! and be known only to a bunch of adolescent interdimensional silicon blobs 30 million years in the future as that bipedal race who remained dignified until the last 0.01% of their reign on Earth, when in way less than a single generation, they all just went FUCKING INSANE and blew themselves up because they suddenly hated all sense.

“Google” is perhaps the worst of these to have to shout in fear and/or anger in your last moments as it sounds in American English like you’ve startled your subject with a ticklish pinch followed so immediately by an esophagus-busting chokehold that the two events appear simultaneous, and in real English English, it almost always sounds like a parent speaking of a character on a pre-K children’s television programme whom they find quite foul and upsetting, but will manage to refrain from expressing so otherwise because they know that Teletubbies shit is the most quickly forgotten stage of television viewership. It’s fascinating how exclusive the word “Google” is to American English because in everything else it really is complete nonsense, but lets halt all etymological discussions right now because we’ve only now just finished with Monday.

The Soul Ledger

On Thursday, all of my Google experiences, suppositions, and soul-detaching screenshots were usurped when a thoroughly alarming internal company video called The Selfish Ledger was leaked to The Verge, which I watched once then and do not want to watch again for the sake of this piece, but I will. Though the big V has been disappointingly timid for years about editorializing — when tech journalism desperately needs some confident, informed opinion more than ever — Vlad Savov’s accompanying article should be read in its entirety, to which I can add my own terror where he perhaps could not. The production style is technically identical to that of the very popular thinkpiece-esque, motion-graphics-paired-with-obligatory-sharpie illustrated videos which you find playing at max volume on your mom’s iPad from where she’s fallen asleep on the couch at 9PM, but the repeating stock string soundtrack multiplies one’s discomfort as such that we would all end up in the fetal position without remembering the transition were it not for the appearance of trusty old Dank Jenkins, who’s face I thankfully associate heavily enough with his infamous down-and-out Tweet to be a welcome respite in attention before the very scary hypothesis for which it’s been buttering me up, as best summed by Vlad:

> The system would be able to “plug gaps in its knowledge and refine its model of human behavior” — not just your particular behavior or mine, but that of the entire human species. “By thinking of user data as multigenerational,” explains Foster, “it becomes possible for emerging users to benefit from the preceding generation’s behaviors and decisions.” Foster imagines mining the database of human behavior for patterns, “sequencing” it like the human genome, and making “increasingly accurate predictions about decisions and future behaviors.”

The next time the what if they do something scary question comes up in a casual conversation about Google, you’ll have something a lot more substantial than just speculation. Or will you? The Verge reached out for comment and got an awfully convenient response.

> This is a thought-experiment by the Design team from years ago that uses a technique known as ‘speculative design’ to explore uncomfortable ideas and concepts in order to provoke discussion and debate.

Wow! Leave it up to grand ole Googe to reveal the ultimate excuse for just about any suggestion or behavior, though it does seem almost deliberately uncomfortable, doesn’t it? No matter — whether or not this video was ever about a project or tangible product development, or simply to explore uncomfortable ideas because it is proof that the company has reached that critical Vatican stage — if you’ll remember — where they now feel comfortable exploring Very Bad, but Very easily made Real Ideas amongst themselves about what would happen if they allowed their system to nudge its users around a different, slightly less optimal route to the bar, let’s say — without their knowledge — in order for the system to collect traffic data for the sake of its own interests? Which would be, technically, in the interest of all Ledger users now and in the future, so why not?

> The ledger could be given a focus, shifting it from a system which not only tracks our behavior, but offers direction towards a desired result.”

This, my dear privacy-obsessed friends, is the real issue with data collection — its power over huge groups by way of their behavior and it is never going to be remedied in any significant way by ad-blockers or VPNs because the EndUser shall always out number you 50 to 1, even decades from now. EndUser does not understand — or, crucially, have any desire to understand anything technical about what leads to the PewDiePie videos playing on his filthy screen. Here’s a great opportunity to escape Silicon Valley’s technolibertarianism and resign your Darwinian empathy in favor of meaningful and truly-effective action: if you want to avoid a future Google Church (or Google Government, more worryingly,) you should invest your time, effort, and knowledge into electing officials more capable of understanding and regulating Big Tech.

Google Government

The internet as it stands is made possible by Google as the goto resource for online advertising. In 2016, “Google held 75.8 percent of the search ad market, bringing in $24.6 billion in revenue from search ads,” according to Recode. By 2019, “that’s expected to grow to $36.62 billion in revenue, or 80.2 percent of the market.” Google’s edge in user behavior and targeted advertising combined with their extensive resources available developers to integrate independent platforms with Google’s software services at various levels makes it very difficult for any advertising-funded individual or organization to compete online without dipping in to the Google universe. YouTube — a Google property since 2006 — has actively invested in and supported a new career path entirely within their own platform that is rapidly becoming popularly aspired-to by young children, while the reality of existence as a full-time YouTuber is far less glamorous than the immediately-visible surface would indicate, and the effort already expended by my generation in its pursuit has already made us insane.

So, what would the internet look like if Google didn’t exist? We know they’ve been working with the government now on various projects, but what if some terrible exposed transgression of theirs suddenly warranted an immediate shutdown and seizure of all Google properties? Well, we know from a post on Quora by Googler Ashish Kedia that even 5 years ago, the sudden absence of Google for “2–3 mins” set the internet into a bit of a panic, reducing overall traffic by 40%. In the time since, we’ve all grown exponentially more dependent on Google properties: billions of people rely on Google Maps for directions and, thousands of companies (including the Pentagon and other government institutions) rely on Gmail and GSuites for intercommunication, file sharing, task management, etc., and more and more academic institutions rely on Chromebook devices running connection-dependent operating systems. It’s not much of a stretch to argue that Google’s sudden disappearance would constitute a Civil Emergency in the United States, which will only become a stronger and more serious incentive for regulatory bodies to look the other way.

Though the tangible results of advertising have been quantified significantly in the past 20 years, one can’t help but wonder after watching YouTube ads for the new Mercedes-Benz S-Class on toy unboxing videos if the companies who spend big bucks on Google advertising understand where their money is going, but they know that if they don’t advertise there, their competitors will. This, of course, is a fundamental practice of a monopoly, and it’s yielded Google so much fucking money that they cannot possibly spend it fast enough, as evidenced by their investments in life extension — so that, perhaps, they will have more time on Earth to figure it out.

When you build a collection of the world’s smartest people in a self-sufficient environment that discourages exploration of other lifestyles and ideas, and you sustain the society with a gargantuan, relatively low-maintenance revenue stream, you create a culture which is not only well-primed for isolationism, but is also extremely inefficient. In fact, with its vast collection of abandoned products and properties, Google must surely be one of the most inefficient companies in history. Thinking back on recent software releases along with its recent entries into the hardware space, Google is also one of the worst competing tech companies. Very little aside from Gmail, Google Photos, Google Maps, and Chrome have found their place or garnered significant usership. Google Play Music is unintuitive and impossible, Google Allo and Google+ are all but forgotten addendums to other services, and Google Search — its core, original function — has been out of control for years, and all of them are designed blandly and excruciatingly tiring to look at.

Google Shun

If this all has stirred nothing more in you than a desire to eliminate Google from your own online life as much as possible, there are alternatives in almost every one of the sphere’s they dominate. As of late, DuckDuckGo has accumulated a fair amount of buzz and coverage as a private, more relevant alternative to Google’s plain old search engine. Though it is clever enough to list us as the first result for “extratone,” I’ve found it simply insufficient as a replacement in my own life because, essentially, it rarely delivers what I’m looking for. By contrast, Dropbox Paper is such an elegant cloud notetaking and word processing software that it makes Google Docs look simply idiotic (and warrants its own review very shortly.) For getting around, know that MapQuest is not only still around — it’s now a very competitive mobile navigation app.

I, myself, have allowed Google as complete of access to my information and behavior as possible because I believe “privacy” is a completely futile endeavor if one wishes to be a part of society, though I do often use alternatives to Google services simply because I fucking hate the way they look. If you want a more complete list of services and software that allow one to shun the Google God entirely, you’ll be forced to seek out less dignified sources like Lifehacker and Reddit and decide if the additional time you’ll spend using most of them to accomplish the same tasks is really worth your digital angst.

If Google were to be more explicit with its users and staff about its aspirations to take over control of our lives, there will be little to do but accept the future they intend to create because they’ve long been too powerful to control. In the meantime, I’d suggest you continue to use whatever software works best for you and refrain from wasting your time fretting on conspiratorial suppositions of what the tech industry may be doing to “invade your privacy,” because there is no longer any such thing, nor will there be ever again. However, I would also urge to you worship your own Gods, whomever they may be, for Google will never be worthy. I, for one, shall only pray to our Mother Sun.

#social #google #future #web #privacy

original post

[alpsss]

everyone liked my eyes today

I knew on thursday when he came round several times ‘i intentionally wanted to roast F in front of J’, and commented on my tattoo, that suddenly it all came back to me the tension that always existed. and when he said friday, tomorrow was the last day and the show would close and i said i would go. and in the morning he asked again if i was really coming. and after lunch he asked what i was up to, the plans for the day. ‘did you already notice i dont make eye contact i find it bloody distracting’ Actually shes abit like you Im drawn to girls with a certain sadness I like the messed up ones, I still gravitate towards the art types In the cab- dating is hard because no one gets the artist life, how you’re freelance, juggling a bunch of things I’ve always called them ‘partners’ not ‘girlfriends’ I don’t give it so easily I guard it a lot cos im all about my heart, im not about my brain Estella what would you like-lets do Jap food its Friday ‘I want to touch it’ ‘Only cos its you’ ‘What about you do you stay with your parents’ Similar upbringing, him referencing my sister,Have I not told you this? – said repeatedly I guess this is the first time we are properly speaking Im kidding, I’ll stop messing with you I take things so literally that I need to mess with the world as a game to deal His Aspergers ‘Youre a neurotypical- neuro means brain- you have high EQ dont get me wrong thats good’ im lacking in the emotional part cos im a T and youre an F so you guys are better. ‘now that you know me, or that you are getting to know me’ Sounds really get to him- drilling, ambulances are the worst ‘Atypical’ on Netflix Did you glue every strand of grass ‘well, I scattered it’ That’s why ive such a soft spot for Sean The night is when he makes work- is your house very neat cos his dad is OCD- all his work-making happens outside I don’t know what Love is but I know what it Isnt Rainer Maria Rilke ‘Letters to a Young Poet’ is my bible – ‘and I thought you were a Christian’ There was this girl I was sleeping with who was ENFP and she was going on about how ENFP and INTJs are the most compatible Well look at you things worked out for you you’re good, you’re married ‘He’s Kiwi’ ‘Is he an artist?’ ‘But he gets art, its not like Sharon’s..that was why I broke up with my first one’ ‘Its not like married and game over’ Living, why im alive Its my art cause All the moments and connections and love, etc And he acknowledges it too Being human-being adept at the brain? Rather I’d rather simple naivete You are such a modernist (he says hes a post-modernist) We’re from vicious apes we are inately evil ‘i still choose to believe everyone is inherently good- but you know already that im an idealist’ Its not bout being human and staying alive but not wrestling with it, just sitting idle Telling me about his fishing – and showing me pictures Telling me about Sab’s family history, and sharing about his fam. His OCD dad driving Grab, his brother not actually a weirdo gamer but is probably going to marry his first girlfriend, ‘another breakup and it will actually ruin your sister’, K and S, F and S, R and Levy and S Long, we went down the damn list Bitching about Sab like him showing me her plagerised posts and when I told him she goes ‘hows things? Slow?’ Do you want kids- or is this too early/weird to ask I don’t want to get married, I don’t want kids ‘you say this now but if your partner wanted to get married you probably would’ ‘probably’ ‘the one you marry might not be the one you’re most connected to’ ‘why do you not want kids, you’d be such a good dad’ ‘are you high’ ‘no its true, I can see how you are with the students’ ‘well youre brave and youre doing it’ – my art fight when I said I was well-loved and had a great set of parents ‘yea I can see that’ ‘your parents have a good marriage?’ ‘yea how about yours, good too?’ ‘well yea but they love to fight that’s their thing they love to fight, I don’t’ ‘well that’s good right, healthy fighting’ ‘I love women- colour blind-scottish, swedish, asian-american, an indian in between somewhere’ the broken bridge artwork The Fishtank and galerie fish,also he gets that people are fishing in the gallery– I told him when he brought up his fishing Art is Universal- said in the cab and he started opening up ‘You can come for lunch if you want and them come with me’ When we were in his fog room and I was having a dialogue with him, with the students And his student said something provoking Or when Clara walks in and she recognizes me and he said ‘famous, youre famous’ ‘Where do you live’ My dad is coming to get me and we’re going to get some food and then Im going to come back and take down the pieces Me and Raymond are similar because we’re open Rare that you can say something and id be like ‘HELL NO’ Im free-spirited ‘yea you’re more agnostic’ ZH pushes his own agenda more ‘yea but that’s because hes so passionate he seriously cant help it’ R just likes someone to reminisce the streets of London with When I said R just started knowing Im a painter, I make work ‘you have a way more exciting practice than he does’‘Youre on your way, youre doing great’ Talking about oweing your parents and he went out fishing before his parents came to visit I feel the same way- about needing to repay parents- or feel indebted ‘but there are things I cant reveal to them’ when I say ive a completely open relationship with my parents, anything goes, no filter Showing me his back scar ‘i once showed a girl and she started crying’ ‘im high now btw’- and he smokes up like 5-6-7 things I don’t even keep count Telling me about his jailtime for 26 hours, how his ex wasn’t there for him The last one was more typical, asian, Christian, one day decided I was too ‘sinful’ for her and she couldn’t deal – I might write her a letter to apologize And his grandmother and how they found her on a Sunday- how the emotions set in later, through the initial parts he was all rational and calm even though his brother was hysterical ‘I KNOW your work I saw the wall I just didn’t know that was you’ ‘Yea when I first met you I did feel like whats with this person’ ‘there you go’ Shes like you- cares about people, sees the good. how Sab is eroding away the nanyang style way too quick and too fast. S and S ‘similar types that the vice d can dominate. Rilke says be patient, they are already doing the best they can to ‘get it’- the face that both moms visited the schools with us.

Crazy shit friday

I mean i always knew the chemistry sort of existed, was underlying, or something sensed that it was going to be more than normal getting to hang out with him. But you can talk to someone but not Know-Know them in such a way, ever. you can go about in your day to day and something like this just stops you right in your tracks. and you go along, because your instincts are dying to take this ride into the exciting abyss, but also you recognize its short-lived and its made more precious that it isnt reality. you do not have to act on things/have ownership for it to take special place in the recesses of your soul (i even spoke about Soul and innerblink, how the soul is what created those things outside when he woke up with the image and started making-its spirituality rather than practised religion- dude, what can we not talk about). you just..savour it and you delight in it when its actually taking place. like ive been conscious of doing so-taking breaths and pausing while the good stuffs happening, the capital L-I-F-E is happening because i understand its rare and its beautiful and you never know when its going to next happen to you...so yea these are the things that really feed me, what i live for. its just deeply special and i wonder if he feels the same way too. aka its 7am post-yesterday and i wonder whats he thinking/is he?