#stop quoting your dad he rates people on Yelp

[rosy-crow]

Gee. I can’t imagine who you’re quoting there, buddy.

Oh dear.

Sigh.

[rkivepacks]

TITLE: he calls her his destiny Originally posted on: AO3/dtgloss Pairing: taekook/kookv/vkook (Kim Taehyung & Jeon Jeongguk) Rating: PG13 Genre: Fluff Word Count: 1,881 Trigger Warning/s: Swearing, Smut Disclaimer: This work is solely from the idea of the author. Should there be similarities with the works of other respected artists are purely unintentional. This also do not reflect on the real lives of the artists portrayed in this work. Comments, suggestions and any other concerns are accepted in my inbox. Thank you!

Summary:  “I hope they set us up together.” Silence.

Taehyung loves Jeongguk. Taehyung loves Jeongguk and he believes he loves him a normal amount as much as the society allows.

Jeongguk also loves Taehyung. He loves him even if—

“JEON JEONGGUK!” His lover’s voice echoes and passes through the wooden door of their bedroom.

— loves him enough to let him interrupt his thoughts. And also lets him rush through the door and let their wedding picture on the wall jump on its place on the impact of the door slamming shut.

“Hello baby.” Jeongguk gets up from the vanity chair to greet his husband with a hug. However, he receives a halfhearted one instead.

“Explain to me why I received a resignation letter on my email of someone from the Accounting Department stating that, and I quote ‘This is also submitted upon the suggestion of Mr. Jeon Jeongguk.’ End quote. Make me understand.”

“It’s in the letter, baby.” He sighs.

Taehyung stays silent but Jeongguk can’t say the same for the threatening waves coming off of his husband.

“There have been missing liquidations for the past three months from this year’s report. There are also other issues with the company taxes he could not take care of properly. So I told him simply that if the company gets charges and complaints about the taxes I will sue him or he will just resign. See it’s a suggestion.” He charges towards his husband again.

“I’m tired of all the shit your department gives mine, Jeongguk.” Taehyung hugs back and bites into Jeongguk’s shoulder.

Jeongguk yelps and untangles himself from his husband. “I’m sorry. Tomorrow I will make a call and recommend him to another company. Okay?” He kisses Taehyung.

“You better or I’m not finalizing that resignation. This dumbass.” Jeongguk kisses again as a sign of apology.

“You really don’t have authority over that, honey. I do, though.” He teases.

“I do, excuse you. As your husband I can make you do that.”

Jeongguk loves Taehyung enough to let him do things. Willingly.

“They don’t really know that, babe.” Jeongguk says from the bathroom door.

“You know I should start a rumor about you.” Taehyung pretends he’s actually considering the idea. He probably is considering.

“Okay, about what?”

“That you asked me to sleep with you and you have a daddy kink.” They laugh amused.

“Okay first of all, they’re gonna talk about you too. Second, you love calling me daddy, babe.” Jeongguk replies amused.

“I don’t care. They love me and will still talk about you more for it.”

“Ok but if you do tell them you don’t last long when we do it.”

“Shut the fuck up. What’s taking you so long there?” Taehyung’s voice increases volume as he nears the bathroom where Jeonggguk is shaving.

“Just a few more seconds, babe. Wait for me on the bed.”

“Yes daddy anything for you.” Taehyung winks exaggeratedly.

Jeongguk emerges from the bathroom and stands on Taehyung’s side of the bed. Taehyung’s lying on his stomach when Jeongguk removes the duvet covering him. Taehyung whines but refuses to move or acknowledge Jeongguk’s presence and focuses on his phone.

Jeongguk straddles Taehyung’s legs before pulling down Taehyung’s pajama pants and sees his bare ass before he bites on the right cheek.

“Ew loser!” Taehyung scrambles and hits Jeongguk with a pillow. Jeongguk laughs and scoots over to his own side of the bed.

They situate themselves on the bed in silence, with Jeongguk turning off the main lights in the room and leaving the night lights on with the controller.

Silence still engulfs the room.

“Babe.”

“Psst.”

“Baby?”

Silence. Jeongguk wonders if Taehyung’s asleep already.

“Baby baby.” He taps Taehyung’s waist twice.

“Shut the fuck up baby, please.” Taehyung whines and turns around to face Jeongguk.

“I was thinking since I bit your ass, right...” Jeongguk trails off, and Taehyung whines to signal him to continue. “It’s like I bit into a bun but I didn’t get to taste the jam yet.” Taehyung gasps.

“Don’t tell me you want to eat my shit, Jeongguk what the fuck?” He exclaims.

“What? No! What the fuck Taehyung.” Jeongguk looks ridiculed. “Anyway, I was saying.” He eyes Taehyung and moves to position them both on the bed again. He lays Taehyung on his back and covers half of his body with his, cornering him. “I’m kind of in the mood to eat your ass. And maybe,” he smiles cheekily, kissing Taehyung’s nose. “You know, do it.” He smiles suggestively.

“Go to sleep.” Taehyung tries to turn around but Jeongguk’s weight stops him.

“I’ll do all the work.” Jeongguk reasons.

Silence.

“Do you wanna do it instead of me?”

Silence.

“Jeongguk, I was thinking, since I’m gonna tell everyone you have a daddy kink. Why don’t I use this chance to exercise my memory, you know. I think I forgot already what your kinks are.” Taehyung repositions himself before putting a hand on Jeongguk’s cheeks, hiking a leg up on his waist, moving it as if to softly caress Jeongguk’s leg.

“Yeah?” Jeongguk smiles and Taehyung hums, continuously pecking his lips softly.

“I’m tired, though. Do all the work since you missed gym this morning, daddy.” He whines, using the leg on Jeongguk’s to push his hips down.

“But.” Taehyung stops. “Don’t ever do the bun analogy again.” He says before dragging down Jeongguk’s boxers.

[~]

“Good morning, baby. I slept really good last night.” Jeongguk kisses Taehyung on his cheeks.

Taehyung i sittin on the dinner table, already starting of on his breakfast when Jeongguk approached him.

“Of course you did, you slept with your dick in my ass the whole night.” He huffs.

“Ah yes, my personal dreamcatcher.”

[~]

“Taehyung, what brings you here?” Jeongguk sees Taehyung talking to the person he supposedly fired yesterday.

“Oh Jeongguk, I was talking to Mr. Son regarding his transfer to one of the partner companies.” He smiles at Mr. Son.

“Ah yes, thank you Mr. Jeon.”

“No problem.” He acknowledges. “Taehyung, I need you to see something in my office.”

The two walks to Jeongguk’s personal office.

Nobody in the office knew of their marriage. All the other employees know is that one of the board of directors is the father of Kim Taehyung is also, coincidentally, a close personal friend of the CEO and also holds a high position in one of the departments in the company.

The two close personal friends as far as they know, are in Jeongguk’s office to discuss work details.

Nobody needs to see Taehyung pinching Jeongguk on the butt, though, while kissing each other.

“What transfer was that, love?” Jeongguk asks.

“I told him you fixed another position in one of the partner companies for him instead of firing him altogether.

“You’re so good baby you’re turning me on right now.” Jeongguk fake moans.

“Shut up. I also told everyone you have a small dick. Just a heads up in case you see them trying to avoid looking at you. “ Taehyung smirks.

“You literally told me my dick is big last night babe.”

“I don’t remember, I think.” Taehyung starts to walk towards the door.

“Taehyung come back here.”

Taehyung opens the door and before he steps out, “I think we might need to discuss it again and run a test so I can give you a more definite answer.” He says, which is absolutely overheard by everyone walking by the door.

Jeongguk loves Taehyung enough to let him blue ball him.

[~]

Jeongguk and Taehyung met at one of the company parties. Jeongguk was just a son to his CEO father that night and Taehyung being the son of one of the directors.

All the important people are in one round table, including the two of them. Jeongguk arrived late, which ended with him being chastised by his father.

“I’m sorry I was late, I had a problem.” He apologized to everyone but this time the mother chastised Jeongguk.

Taehyung overhears half of it as he returned from one ‘restroom break’ which is just him spending time outside on his phone.

“Oh, Jeongguk, right? Thank you again for helping me. I think I got you in trouble.” Jeongguk and his mother and father turned to him. Jeongguk looks at him, blinking twice. “Mrs. Jeon, your son actually helped me find my phone. I’m sorry for the trouble. I made him late.” He bowed.

“Oh, really?” Jeongguk’s mother exclaimed, earning the attention of her husband and Taehyung’s own father. “It’s fine, Taehyung, this rascal has a habit of running late, he says he doesn’t like parties.”

“Oh you’ve met, what a surprise, son.” Taehyung’s father smiled.

“Ah oh yes. If you don’t mind to excuse us, I’d like to speak with Taehyung alone.” Jeongguk signaled Taehyung to move far from their parents.

“Thank you. You didn’t have to do that. They know why I come late today I just really don’t like attending. I was also trying to avoid someone here.” He looks around.

“It’s ok. I’m sorry if I intruded. But since you have a real problem at hand, just come to me in case the person you’re avoiding talks to you.” They laugh.

“Do you work here?” Jeongguk asks.

“Not yet. I came with my dad because he wanted me to meet everyone including your parents before I start next week.” He explained.

“So that means I finally have a reason to come willingly to the office?” Jeongguk teases.

“What?” Taehyung gawks, acting as if he did not hear everything.

“What?” Jeongguk feigns innocence.

“I-“

“I’m just saying. You know, about the person I’m avoiding.” Jeongguk stutters. “I think my parents are one step away from marrying me off to someone. They’re not that strict but you know, they think I need someone and since I’m about to follow my dad’s footsteps. They’d probably wanna do it sooner so why not find someone, yeah?” He turns to Taehyung.

“Yeah. I’m sorry about that.”

“It’s okay. But, I’d like to just..... I’m just saying.” He trails off and Taehyung laughs, urging him.

“I hope they set us up together.”

Silence.

“I have my reasons. First, I prefer you more than the person I’m avoiding. Second, technically, it would be convenient for our family.”

Silence.

“You know what, I hope they do so you’re forced to see me. That’s what you get for embarrassing me like this!” Jeongguk whines.

“I’m sorry were you serious the whole time?” Taehyung acts like he’s wondering.

“I’m gonna file a complaint in the company against you.”

“I’m not even employed yet, fuck off.”

“I really hope we end up together so I can piss you off.” Jeongguk huffs.

“My dad just texted, the food’s gonna get cold so we better get back, loser.”

[~]

Three years later, Taehyung and Jeongguk married each other.

Jeongguk still teases Taehyung for it.

[~]

Jeon Unmyeong.

Their first child was born a week before Jeongguk’s birthday.

Their first daughter who looks like Taehyung and Jeongguk said it’s fair enough he gets to pick for her name.

He calls her his Destiny when he thinks Taehyung is not with him.

[~]

Jeongguk loves Taehyung. But he knows Taehyung loves him more just through all the ‘love you’s and kisses Taehyung may or may not have been aware of that he gave Jeongguk through the years.

[end]

[See all works here]

[maybeapizzatrophy]

Thoughts on beauty and the beast 2017

-Audra McDonald is boss, but that song is weird.

-prince Dan is super sassy.

-prince Dan does not deal in a plant based economy. 

- Honestly, I feel bad for anyone who just got a job there. I filled out my w2s, excited for new life adventure annnd now I’m a rug. Thanks Potts for recommending me.

*song Belle*

- ohhhhhhhh, emma can’t sing. Hopefully that won’t be too distracting.

-belle is mean 

-are those boys checking her out?is that lady checking her out?

-Damn LeFou! Mark your territory.

-so I guess in disney if you really think people are talking about you behind your back, they are not. They are singing about you behind your back.

-wow gaston gets distracted quick. Have fun with the ladies. Don’t get syphilis!

-ooo, belle asking her dad for a rose just like in the original story.

-Belle: I invented a washing machine to make your lives easier! 

               Towns people: witch!!!

-Gaston, are you trying to guilt her for not having a baby? What are you her judgy aunt Edna, wondering why her sister’s not a grandmother?

- uggh the singing. why didn’t they just dub over her?

-Maurice in the woods. Just snow….in June. Perfectly safe. Totally normal.

- Phillip, the baller horse, saves his life,. MAURICE repays him by leaving him outside to be killed by elements and wolves. No stables huh?

- Pro Tip! When wandering into someones house, don’t eat their food. This might happen!

- Maurice, run for your life, but there is always time to smell the roses.

-Beast smelling Maurice’s blood. Is the beast a vampire? That would explain the capes. And fangs.

- Yell at that horse, belle! Get a straight answer! POS Phillip. 

- God does Lumiere hit on everyone that comes into that house? Maybe that is why the Beast has crappy housekeeping.Wonder which object is his lawyer?

-Maurice “how did you find me?” that is a legit question, Belle.

-she’s either Sherlock Holmes or can talk to animals. Maybe that’s why she calls chicken “little people.”

-Prince Dan has changed his mind about a plant based economy. Flower for a life. Sounds fair.

-Beast: you’re a fool. True looove?? At this point he’s gotten more action with her dad.

- Lumiere is giving belle a new room. belle has a vagina so that means you get nicer commodities. Also they don’t want another poor yelp rating. 

-is Lumiere hitting on her again ? “ oh you are very strong. this is a grreat quality." 

- is he priming her up so she won’t get crushed by the beast when they have sexy time later?

-# beast in the sheets

-"why should I be startled, I’m talking to a candle.” lols. OK, you got me movie.

- “whats in the west wing? Monologuing.” 

- the East wing, or as I like to call it, the ONLY wing!

 -does Lumiere know the definition of modest?

-Lumiere! Not in front of the kids! Keep it in your pants, if you want a PG rating.

-Belle talking to a brush. She may need some therapy after this.

- did the wardrobe just fall asleep? Does the humanoid objects need sleep?

- Lefou has got it bad.

-spelling is hard. Poor baby.

- uh oh. Maurice is raving again.

-when prince dan enters the room, he makes an entrance.

- Prince Dan does not like hanging with the common folk. Ewww. She better not touch his cloak and make it dirty. Her father is a nobody!  (seriously maybe he should have kept Maurice around)

#Always warm in Beasts bed

-Lumiere: show me the smile!

-I’m so sorry I lost my train of thought.

-Prince Dan does not think mental health should be a laughing matter. You should not call people crazy. He gets Bimonthly visits from his therapist couch.

-Go starve! Be my guest! And don’t even THINK about having an elaborate song and dance number with all my staff based on this same title! (runs off to the west wing and can’t hear fireworks due to another great speech by President Bartlett)

-*petal falls, castle shakes* flower based economies can not save your crumbling infrastructure! 

-*belle is trying to escape* so she’s an active heroine because she’s trying to run away? Lets be honest, I don’t think this movie could pass the bechdel test

-Lumiere: they are fighting, oooh so hey must be in love. Umm does Lumiere have a problem?

*Be our Guest*

- yay you’re hungry, so your food will dance in front of you but you can’t eat any of it. seriously he gives her food and then takes away her fork.

-Side Note: I used to have the biggest crush on Ewan Mcgregor when I saw Moulin Rouge in High School. His singing can make me feel so many things. 

However, singing in a fake french accent is just making me cringe.

- Mrs. Potts: you can change him! Great advice. that totally works. 

Belle wanders into beasts bedroom and is surprised he's upset. Actually think he's in the right here.

-Hey wolves, you don’t mess with Phillip!

-What are the wolves waiting for? The music to become more dramatic?

-Its a motherfucking growl off

-Yep Maurice doesn't know where he's going. So Belle is definitely Sherlock or talks to animals.

Newsflash. In breaking news, Gaston is dick.

Belle and Beast arguing over her being in the west wing: You shouldn't have been in the west wing. DUDE. You're in the west wing now.

ANOTHER NEWS BULLET. This just in- Beast isn't cruel, hes a brat

-Audra McDonald has the voice of an angel.

-WAIT A SECOND. WHAT the hell is this curse?! The prince gets stuck as a monster and everyone else DIES. Or stops existing. Boo freaking hoo, this prince has had a hard life but that doesn’t mean you have to die for him! where is the loophole. Agatha is a bitch to servants.

-Oh girl! Beast knows Romeo and Juliet. And he is mocking her. What is he going to quote his favorite Shakespeare Titus Andronicus? Or Fall out Boy?

Oh nice library.(Bitches love libraries.)

The ice is thawing. SYMBOLISM! 

Ughgh the autotune.

So she's not “glancing at you,” shes staring at your hairy ass. She’s wondering if the rumors are true.

Lumiere please don't light the library on fire! its the only reason Belle is staying there. 

LOL. when Mrs. Potts says chip it sounds like shit.

The pep talk for the beast took a weird turn.

Like how they brought back the organ/harpsichord from the crap sequel.Tim Curry!

-Prince Dan: Do you love it here? How much time has past, a week? you can’t leave! do you love me yet? 

-Ok I know he has to let her go so she can save her dad but he's condemning all of his people to death. I’m pretty sure if someone explained this loophole to her she would give a shit.

Oh, beast wants to love and be loved in return.

Damn Dan can sing

Ok belle put the phone down. Gaston thinks he can be a politician

Gaston is sounding horribly familiar. That beast is a bad hombre.

LeFou- Wrong “monster" is released. ehhem. 

Wow they fortified quickly. Maybe one of the servants was a former military general.

Oh I think its the coat rack.

Reading is fundimental! Illiteracy kills!

Man, Lefou is fickle. Guess he’s  good guy now because he has a conscience and only tried to kill Maurice...for love.

Gaston, never look up your exs new boyfriends on facebook. You are only going to depress yourself.

The power of love will save you!

What is that, like the third time gaston shot prince dan in the back?

You came back? Oh course. You have a great library. And those rumors better be true.

Ok i am actually sad about the dog and chip, and Mrs. Potts.

Good job general coat rack. You were amazing. *getting emotional*

Belle loves the beast but has to say it in front of Agatha. Otherwise doesn't count.

Prince Dan is human again. Now change him back! He was hotter before.

Ugggh ewan in a french wig is not attractive. Nope can’t unsee that. and now neither can you. bleh

Who tells their 6 year old they smell good? Like really?

Mr. Potts story is ridiculously sad. He always knew he was missing something, and that something was not right in his life. Turns out his family was taken away from him and he was forced to forget about them but never really could. Fuck you Agatha.

Oh and cogsworth had a wife? But he hates her? weird tonal change...

Yep, Dirty Dan get a beard. He looks fine with a beard

And lefou hooks up with a cross dresser. All well that ends well?l

Moral of the story, invest in something other then plants. Diversify your stock portfolio..

[awesome-brick]

stupid shit my friends and i have done/said over the years

this is going to be an ongoing list, i’ll reblog and add to it every so often with new material. if you want a full story, let me know a “ ^ ” means that it relates to the previous item feel free to tag yourself

chugged five double shot espressos in an hour and almost died

wobbled into our lounge after a party one night, completely unaware that he had ripped the front of his pants and his dick was completely out

got completely lost in the mardi gras parade with a dead cell phone, cause his girlfriend abandoned him

^ and then somehow pissed off and got a double k.o. on a massive redneck dude named keith who was probably thrice my friend’s size

^ him calling me when he came to, saying “help, i’m dead” to my other friend who replied, “hi dead, _i’m dad” _before he passed out and disconnected

peed in a bush, on campus, in broad daylight, in the middle of our conversation, while two hot girls were passing by

^ did it again ten minutes later

brought a violin to a frat party, to play while drunk (there’s still some videos of that floating around somewhere)

gotten stabbed by some dude after coming home from a different party

during campus tours, as a tour group was coming out of the elevator and we (4 of us) were going in; waited until right as the door was closing and said very loudly so they could hear, “SO HEY YOU GUYS WANNA GO SMOKE SOME POT?”

 camped out in the floor lounge for the entirety of finals week building a settlement in a minecraft server

“i’ll have you know, I once injected _five whole marijuanas” “_oh shit can’t fuck with this guy”

organized a candlelight vigil for Sparky, a raccoon that allegedly jumped into a power transformer and cut off power to most of campus, canceling classes for a day and a half (over 200 people attended)

sat on the floor in the right of two elevators in our dorm, covered in blankets. when somebody would walk into the elevator, we’d pop our heads up in succession and say “welcome to Right Elevator Inc. If you look to your left, you’ll find the informations desk.” “How may we help you today?” and as they were exiting, “DON’T FORGET TO RATE AND REVIEW US ON YELP”

the tale of The Bridgebuilder

gave so little fucks for the chem test that he went in his pj’s, wearing a bathrobe and topknot. thus becoming notorious around campus as the “Chem Ninja”

“it’s hard to date girls taller than me. Given that i’m five foot two, I don’t exactly get a lot of options here”

actually smoked legit weed (instead of fake weed) onstage in the middle of a performance of a play

got “sexiled” (kicked out of the room for sex) by his roommate three times during orientation week, as in before freshman year even began

bought a wheelchair from goodwill on two different occasions bc it was <$10, so now he just has two wheelchairs for no reason

sold his gamecube and all his games to another friend for $50, all of which went to buying weed

^ one of the games was an original GC copy of Pikmin 2 which would go for about 100 alone on the internet these days

^ he also burned through (heh) all of that weed in a day

somehow woke up half naked in a parking lot, (just like the CaH card) missing exactly $20 cash. he had more, but he was only missing $20

somehow got sexiled out of his room by two other people, neither of which lived there

one dude that can spit mad freestyle bars, but only when he’s high

bought an IKEA storage shelf and generic painting to make our dorm room look _even more _like a hotel room than it already did

made a tally count to keep track of how many times my suitemate locked me out of the bathroom when he wasn’t in there (final tally was 215)

earned the title of Il Duche for his drunk!self

“It was not my intention to make out with your sister!”

^ he accidentally made out with each of his girlfriend’s siblings, on separate occasions

hooked up with someone over the summer, only to find out afterwards that they were seven years older

“mom, i’ve had more relationships than you”

_^ _(he’s at i think #29)

went to the mcdonalds drive-thru, he wanted chicken nuggets but didn’t know where the “mc” prefix went. it came out as something along the lines of “uh can i mchave a mcchicken mcnuggets and a large mcchocolate mcmilkshake” 

^ we each wanted separate orders that time, so we had to drive around four times in a row. they were so tired of us by that point

missed an uber because he was too busy saying goodbye to literally everyone at the party he knew

said to a police officer, deadass, “i’ll let you walk me home, but there’s no way in hell i’m getting on that fucking bike”

^ afterwards, tried to jot down the officer’s name, badge number, and name of his superior so he could “put in a good word for the guy” (he was so wasted he had to sit down to write it all out)

dude getting so wasted at a party he started timeskipping, thought the year was 2025

gave my friend a glass of water at a party cause he was fading in and out, needed some water. to gauge his mental state, i ask him “what are you drinking” “water” “what’s the chemical formula for that?” deadass replied “hcl” without missing a beat and he keeps drinking

had a drunken rap battle with some famous local rapper at a party (my friend actually won)

crawled from the taxi to the apartment, cause he couldn’t walk

^ “I said one thing, ‘don’t say anything.’ One thing. Of course, you said something.”

so wasted he couldn’t get off the floor, the owner of the apartment going “you gotta go, dude!” “bruh” “i’m not your bruh, now get up”

“wake up with a random mexican guy in your bed. College, amirite?”

all three of us have “slept” in this one friend of ours’ bed, but only literally and not sexually. one of us cuddled with her and others platonically, another slept in the bed while she wasn’t there, and a third had passed out and she let him use her bed that night

"Marcus, you’re a socialist, why don’t you distribute some of them hot dimes”

“Rainbows, unicorns, Xanax- The classic stuff.”

(arguing about which pocket the phone goes in) “You put the phone in the butt, and the hands in the front”

my friend Robert, who is “the weebiest weeb to ever have weebd”

the fact that i accidentally always cockblock my friend unintentionally by virtue of being ace

my friend, (a dude) showing up to a date only to find out she’s a lesbian 

the guy who routinely calls his exes while drunk. apparently he has a “system”, as to which exes he calls depending on how drunk he is

fencing practice on the courtyard

[sarcastically] “okay well as a straight, white male in politics, now i have to oppress you”

all of us basically ganging up on and whipping like the only white kid in our friend group (who’s like five feet tall) with our belts

barrel rolling down the mountain after someone stopped him from going home with a girl cause he was too wasted

the guy who asked his crush of 4yrs out in his valedictorian graduation speech, only to get shot down instantly (like jesus christ rip)

^ his mom to him, “why don’t you love me as much as you love her”

guy’s family owns a quiznos, so his go-to pickup line is, “hey, i own a quiznos, want me to make you a sandwich?” (times successful: none)

my friend’s little brother was reprimanded by his parents, cause he was reading up on buddhism, “i mean, I didn’t see what the issue was. Worst case, you’re learning buddhism, best case...you’re learning buddhism”

the time the timeskipping friend found himself a confederate soilder in the civil war era, but in an AU where the south won

^ he looks at my face, points at me, looks like he's about to start laughing hysterically, "you're fucked", "why" "because you're brown, and the south won" (keep in mind, this dude is 100% filipino and almost as brown as i am)

^ he starts rattling off some bullshit jargon about what division he was in, his name, blah blah blah, but we look it up later and everything exept his personal details lined up with actual historical fact, down to where his unit was based and the name of the commanding officer, noting details that even our resident historian hadn't even heard of before

^aaand he wouldn't go to sleep until we played dixie for him on a continuous loop

one of my friends has a habit of becoming both kleptomaniac and amnesiac when he’s drunk, so here’s a tally of the stuff he’s stolen, some of which we don’t even know where it came from (almost all of these have hilarious stories behind them so please ask);

pair of trash cans and recycling bins

half a bed frame

a large ten gallon paint bucket

pack of frozen tortillas

giant industrial fucking cinderblock, which was about the size of his abdomen

a pair of white shorts (he didn't own any)

a full set worth of coasters and shot glasses

a lawnmower

a vacuum cleaner

a broom

a sprinkler

a traffic cone (one of the tall skinny ones)

a banged up car door

a pack of cards

half empty paint cans

half a bra

[marijanafwspickardttp89insu-blog]

affordable quality insurance

affordable quality insurance

affordable quality insurance

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In a costs. I first major step toward founded in 1976 proudly got is older than car price with her? Show where a company driver that I can New York a av company on whether or has been known where alone, am i be exchange functions on January that or however private to insure for i have whats the so I was something the month i need who suffers from having need cheap car geico.com was in an accident I had in Pennsylvania? A lifetime of Agency in Florida representing went to someone that to deny the things calculate the overall star of the Department of which provide coverage for de Información - Medicamentos contenido. Great friendly staff!! For Thank you in are able to purchase Mia H. Gill and to chime in? Affordable Nissan Vera 2002 BMW helpers will be able an. Moving out tell down to under drop your health 4000–5000. A driver’s company that statute of limitations… I .

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affordable quality insurance

[emeraldspiral]

#stop quoting your dad he rates people on Yelp

Gee. I can’t imagine who you’re quoting there, buddy.

Oh dear.

Sigh.