#stop ppl from escaping that for a few days but i swear im not doing shit this year.

[robotpussy]

Christmas needs to be cancelled I've hated Christmas for a few years now but I don't want to celebrate it this year at all

[madfantasy]

Dear blogging

t's cold and all I want to do is draw Juicy and his bros cuddle for survival

Hope your doing well my dears. I don't know what I have been doing all this time but just trying my best not to. Just not.

I have this immense guilt in typing any sort of update because, I'll be just repeating myself.. I wish so hard that things change, gets better and stop sucking to a point it feels like I'm disappointing others, in way that I got not much of progress..

I haven't thought of nothing but vagueness and leaving earth. One day dreaming of a bliss between the nightmares, being the very -impossible- thing I wanted, and feeling such disgusting overwhelming happiness I don't think I experienced, tears welling up in my eyes every time I remembered the scene.

I don't know what I truly want and I always figured that i don't really need to know, I don't need to be something specific, or want one thing with all my might, everything can come and go, and thats okay, everything can be hard or easy, I laughed at all my sorrows and drew them and made them into stories I retun to..

I don't know maybe that thick shield of the accusatory insanity wore off, or maybe its called maturing, cuz I can't deal with it anymore, I can't keep fighting over losing the very few things that pleasures me in life.. and the more I do, the more I feel truly closer..

It was prayer time, and during the announcements its favorable that one mute sounds and listen to it and quietly say it alongside. The masque people were praying, but at home most of us finished. I got my game running. Got cussed at, and ofc I replied of how much longer ppl pray u think, my guardians exploded with stream of demeaning and colorful swears, eventually kept praying that I die for saying that line.

I was shaking with anger head to toe, if we kept it religious, u can't just pray for ppl to die, or accuse them of not having faith. I called it out on them, and they kept saying it.. with every prayer of death I answered with Ameen, equally yelling how Im tired of this life

I went to my room and couldn't stop hyperventilating and weeping, my heart felt like it will escape my chest. Suddenly i hear them approaching, they never came into my room. They told my sib who ran to deter them from entering, they were like "I want you to stand witness that I cam here to apologise to your elder sib, and I didn't mean what I said" then they came in anyway and hugged me and kissing my hands and the top of my head, saying sorry. Telling me they never wanted to hurt me and they're nothing without me, that I run this house and without me they are lost, and the reason they lost it because they remembered their job, and wish that they never worked that job because it ruined they look on life

This is the first time that they ever apologised to me, in my whole frkin life. And actually admitted that their job was toxic among many things..

But in that moment nothing mattered. I went to bed that day expecting to leave earth. But I'm thankful I woke up the next day, still convulsing like I was hit by a truck

I don't know how to explain how faith is important to me, as in I'd be long gone without it, and it's something between oneself and God only, and not for people to judge or control how it "should" be. But they weaponize it more than practice it, as the still on going example used against me and my art and how I sm treated, in general..

I didn't get much work for this month, mum suggesting because it's the holiday season, which was a good time to spend it improving my art, but I spent it trying not to sit alone conscious or not escaping through flash backs and the torment of their words on never ending repeat , playing my hp over and over, till I notice the rats there danced, something I have never noticed and made me laugh

I want to do more art, the more I doubt it the more I'm sure it's what my soul aches to do if one day left un-art-ed In. I was even drawing while telling myself I'm not, escaping my notice till sib told me. With it I want to grow, even if hypothetically, with people I imagine how it is to meet one day, and enjoying every moment and not live undead.. one of my vids were, sorta replied to by a human being saying words, I know im making it sounds extremely basic, but my god, I have been isolated from people for so long even pics and vids are super hard for me to look.

Like, I just realised this the first time in centuries I seen a live reaction to my art, I still couldn't look at them directly but the resistance to look away decreased and I lost myself in this person's infectious joy saying how amazed they r by my art.. they don't know that gave me so hope that yes, maybe I can look at people one day, I can be with people one day, I can be okay one day..

I'm still open for commissions, now that my art apps subscriptions near expiry, and I don't want to use ProCreate cuz is icky and ewy and I want my smooth CSP specially after their upcoming update <3

Wish you the coziest safest, thrilling times, and happy holidays and birthdays, if I couldn't make it

All the love;

Mani

2:30 am, 4 Dec 2021, frozen toes

[serowotonin]

˗ˏˋ 𝗴𝗼𝗹𝗱𝗲𝗻 𝗱𝗮𝘆𝘀 ˎˊ˗

✰ PAIRING ( terushima yuuji x fem!reader ) ✰ WORDCOUNT ( 1.9k ) ✰ GENRE ( ansgt, songfic ) ✰ WARNINGS ( um one swear word, angst, implications of de*th )

all the memories that we make will never change we'll stay drunk, we'll stay tan, let the love remain and I swear that I'll always paint you golden days ♫ panic! at the disco

✰✰ NOTE.. so uH i think this is the first angst thing i wrote that im actually happy with and i know terushima isn’t someone a lot of ppl write for so to the few ppl who see this</3 hope u guys enjoy:”)

“Ughh where is it,” Terushima grumbled to himself as he pulled open drawer after drawer. He had searched all the cabinets, all the tables, and just about every inch of his apartment but has yet to find his phone charger. 

As he closed the second to last drawer on this shelf, which held no phone charger, he pulled out his phone and saw it had 1% battery remaining. Quickly, he unlocked it and went to his contacts. Before he could make a call though, the screen turned black and he was left staring at a faint reflection of himself.

“Damn it,” he cursed under his breath. “She’s gonna get upset again.”

He clutched the now dead phone in one hand and ran the other through his hair, sighing in exhaustion. Today had been tiring enough with work and now he had this to deal with.

There was still one more drawer he hadn’t checked though. So, he lifted his hand out of his hair and pulled it wide open. 

In it sat a small box. 

He knew of its contents the moment he laid eyes on it. He also knew opening it now would only make him feel worse, not to mention, it would definitely delay his plans.

But for some reason, a longing for nostalgia or maybe the person that brought such nostalgia, his arms unconsciously moved to take the box into his hands.

Your words echoed in the back of his mind as he traced his fingers along the edges of the box.

“It’ll be like our little time capsule. For us to open when we’re all old and wrinkly…”

A deep sigh escaped his lips. 

Every rational thought that came into his head begged him not to open it, to put it back, to forget he even found it. 

Instead, his fingers moved to lift the cover and lay it down on the floor beside him.

And there you were... a polaroid of you at least. 

Your lips were curved in a sweet smile inviting him in and breaking his heart all over again. Up until now, he could barely recall what your face looked like when you were happy, truly happy. He could only remember the tears and regret you had on your face towards the end… 

But seeing you like this again, the wideness of your smile, the crinkle of your eyes… you radiated a joy and happiness he had begun to forget in you.

He stared at the picture for a good minute before turning it around to see the familiar strokes of your handwriting.

‘HAPPY BIRTHDAY TO ME!!’ and under it ‘(first pic taken with the polaroid my baby Yuuji got for me<3)’

“My baby Yuuji,” he whispered.

“Happy birthday to you. Happy birthday to you,” he sang softly into your ear as he held you from behind, swaying gently in tune. 

“Happy birthday dear Y/n.. Happy birthday to you~”

You turned to kiss the blond and he pulled you even closer to him. 

“I love you babe, happy birthday...” 

The tiredness he had felt just moments ago seemed to have fluttered away when he found you again in the polaroids, and a longing burst from the depths as he put the picture down and picked up another one, his hands once again moving on their own will.

This one had the two of you standing together, backs facing the camera. It was taken at a beach when the sun was still high in the sky and the water glistened blue. But it wasn’t the scenery that appealed to him, nor was it the way the sun wrapped around you two in perfect golden light. 

It was how close you were to him. The physical distance between you two was barely existent. Your arms were wrapped around his waist and his were draped over your shoulders. 

‘Sea breeze, cute outfit, sand between my toes, and 1 Terushima Yuuji… Damn was today great.’

How he would give to be that close to you again.

“Ok 3, 2, 1…”

You clung on to him as tight as you could and he smiled, pulling you closer. 

At the sound of the camera click and the hum of the photo being printed, you let go and quickly turned around to thank the woman for taking the picture.

When you did that he felt off; as if a part of his body was just yanked away. It wasn’t an extreme feeling, nor was it painful in any way. It was more just a lingering emptiness that was put to rest a few seconds later when you were back by his side again.

He put his arm back on your shoulder and peered down at the polaroid in your hand. You were staring at the photo patiently waiting for the colors to fade in. And when it finally did, you smiled satisfactorily at it before tucking it away and flashing another smile to the man right next to you.

Terushima closed his eyes, took a deep breath, and tried to clear his mind. It’s been years, he shouldn’t be dwelling on the past like this.

And yet, there was comfort in the pain the memories brought.

When he opened his eyes, they landed on yet another photo of you. And as he has been for a good part of his life, he was drawn to you. Reaching out a hand, he picked it up and let the memories wash over him once more.

After a while, he set it down and picked up another. And another. And another. Each capturing a moment with you he would never get back. 

It’s been years since he’s had to learn to live without you. Truthfully though, he never did learn how. The sun became a little dimmer, the rain a little harder, the breeze a little less refreshing. The world lost its vibrancy when he lost you. He adapted, got used to the dullness, but he couldn’t learn to live the same anymore...

He picked up another polaroid.

This one didn’t have either of your faces on it. It just showed the two of you holding hands against a dark background.

The bottom held no words but instead an arrow pointing to the right. Terushima turned the polaroid and saw a small envelope attached to the back. Curious, he opened it up and pulled out the piece of paper snuggled inside.

‘This one’s a bit longer than any other note I’ve written for a polaroid but… I kinda just realized smth really important. He drove me out at 3AM in the morning to get food because I said I was hungry. Then we sat in his car listening to some old mixtapes he had. They were pretty crappy but it didn’t matter. I love Terushima Yuuji. I’ve said it a million times before but last night it really hit me, hard. I love him in a way I’d never be able to love anyone else. 

I want to go on more dates with him. more stupid dates, more romantic ones, more 3AM dates, more cuddle dates. And even though it might be selfish of me, I want to spend my every breathing minute with him. 

If I can’t have anything else in this then I just want these golden days of ours to last forever..’

And before he realized it, tears were rolling down his cheeks. Fuck it all. He missed you. He missed the days you had together, the nights spent in each others’ arms. He missed you so much it tore a hole in his heart and all he could see when he looked at the sunlight drifting through the window was just darkness. 

It pained him to know that everything you wanted was all he ever needed. It pained him that he hadn’t realized this until it was too late. And it pained him most that you were never coming back.

Why’d you have to leave? 

He tried so hard to stop asking this question, and for a while, he was successful. But the polaroids, your handwriting, the memories, you.. there was just so much pain in the happiness of the past. 

But you were gone. He had accepted that long ago. 

┈┈┈┈┈┈┈┈┈┈┈┈┈┈┈┈

“Terushima, you in here?” a familiar voice called from outside. 

Right, he forgot about Misaki. Wiping any tears left on his face, he put all the polaroids back in the box, covered the lid, and left the room.

“DADDY!!” a little girl yelled, running at him full speed. He bent down and lifted her into his arms effortlessly.

“Oh you’ve gotten heavier. How much has Misaki been feeding you huh?” he teased.

The little girl pouted as she pointed to the floor signaling she wanted to be put down. Terushima chuckled and did so.

Walking over to a slightly annoyed-looking Misaki, he muttered an apology for not going to pick her up and a thanks for taking care of his daughter. 

“Hey wait, you look like you’ve been crying… Are you ok Teru?” she asked, eyes showing her concern.

He let out a deep sigh. 

“I uh- I found a box with some old pictures of Y/n and I just-”

She put a hand on his shoulder and squeezed it reassuringly. 

“Look, I know you miss her and I know you know this, but don’t get too stuck in the past. Focus on what you have now,” she said looking in the direction of the young girl who had made her way over to the small pile of stuffed animals on the couch.

He rubbed his face and nodded, “Yeah. Yeah, thank you Misaki.”

“Ok,” she replied with a sympathetic smile. “I’ll be going then.” 

Terushima nodded again and after she said bye to his daughter, he walked her to the door.

Turning back he leaned on the wall and looked affectionately at the girl playing on his couch. She was still so young, but it’s been almost 5 years now that he’s taken care of her. 

Time seemed to fly by with her and yet it felt like so long ago he welcomed her to the world. 

He understood now the past and its memories were something to be treasured. It was not something to cling on tightly though. The golden days of the past are gone, but the glittering rays that coated the floor and walls of his living room tell him it’s a new age. 

It was an age he had to cherish well.

Deciding to do something he’s been putting off, he walked back into his room and brought out the box with all its polaroids and memories.

“Yui, come here. I want to show you something.”

She stared at him before taking one frayed teddy bear into her hands and walking over to her father. Taking his outreached hand, she looked at the box he held in his other.

Sitting at the top of the pile was a photo of a beautiful woman. The sun was shining bright in the background and the light swirled around her as if she was wrapped in a golden halo.

“Is she an angel?” Yui asked innocently, pointing to the picture.

“You got that right,” he replied with a sad smile. “She’s the most beautiful angel out there..”

He watched as the young girl picked up the photo, seemingly mesmerized.

“That angel is your mom.”

“My mom?” she echoed. “Mommy is an angel?”

He smiled and ruffled her hair, “She sure is, and you know what? She’s looking out for us from heaven, so you better be a good girl for her, okay?”

✰✰ NOTE.. pls lemme know if u guys thought this was angsty enough sdkjlsdg,,,, i dunno i can’t seem to tell whether angst is painful enough yet;-; also don’t mind the name yui dkglsd it was the first one i could think of T-T

✰✰✰ TAGLIST.. @lilikags @luna-in-luv​ @kureyama​

[strangetownsayit]

ok so um.......... .. . . ..

 i had a really bad time, went crazy and deleted all my maurice fics. Yes I have them in my notes and if someone wants them, I can send them to them, but still. i no longer feel confident about You Don’t Own Me and To a Happier Year.

but i feel bad and guilty bc then i remembered someone who left a very nice comment in my fic. maybe ill rewrite everything and publish it again, but not today and certainly not tomorrow. so ill explain my outline for the two fanfics cus i already had a ending in mind

before anything-- do i plan to write more maurice fanfic? the answer is yes. i hyperfixate very hard on maurice so ill never stop, but ill try not to make it public till i trust my bilingual capacities

 so, You Don’t Own Me

Percival Darsey is a young man who spend time in Penderleigh’s after having an encounter with Anne in the village next to Penge. He becomes Clive’s pupil bc of Anne’s desire, and so Percival bounces between them (wanting clive’s attention, then wanting anne’s)

Clive doesn’t really care about Percy’s attraction to Anne, bc he was sure it was silly love-at-first sight stuff. It was supposed to be explained later that Percy was really naive when it came to love. I actually had some dialogue written in my phone’s notes app to show how percy views were when it came to love and how easy it was for him to fall in love:

“I can’t do nothing but leave it to take me, Mr. Durham”, said Percy gently, with his back resting against the black slate of the roof; the light rays of sun --whose bright, blinding face was hiding behind clouds-- were worth coming the next day. “When someone smiles back at me, when someone touches my shoulder to get me out of the way, when they wish me a good day; I fall in love too easily, with many people. Approximately five times a day.”

“Many people?”, Clive laughed. “You mean, many women.”

Percival contemplated the sky a while.

“No,” he finally said, “many people.”

 Percival was supposed to be Clive’s opposite: excited about loving and be loved in return, excited to be discovered and being so happy with himself, he can barely hide it.

But when Percival got infatuated with a man, an acquaintance of Clive, Clive started to snap, to wander, to ask questions he could’ve never asked before. But Percival had nothing to hide anyways, and this would make Clive distant

Resume: with time Percival would’ve become closer and closer to anne’s circle, and thus he would’ve grown tired and exhausted. Bc Percival is autistic, and he has very little spoons (a metaphor about being autistic), meeting new people every day, being dragged to social compromises and being treated as some sort of servant that these rich ppl needed for entertainment, he would’ve suffered a meltdown and avoid Pendersleigh for a while

But bc Percy is not dumb, he would’ve returned bc he needs to eat, and bc of his neurodivergence he couldn’t keep jobs that were mostly aimed to neurotypicals. So when he came back, he decided to stay in Clive’s side. He found comfort in his cases cus all he needed to do was ignore Clive and sleep and little lol. And so this was supposed to be the first step to develop their relationship: Clive being interested in percy now that he has discover Percy likes men as well, Percival feeling drawn to Clive. They get to know each other and eventually, they fall in love.

But ofc everytime Clive perceives a hint of flirt, he panics and back off, bc hes an I—HSHFS- NOO- WAIT—LMAO DLFAOF—IM SO SHY--- gay, and Percy is a ;)) bisexual, so they keep flirting a good part of my outline.

But then BOOm I planned Mrs Hall to visit clive. And so clive wouldve remembered everything with Maurice, feel bad, and reject percival once for all. Percival cries a lot and anne thinks he is sick bc he has an uncontrollable sobbing, but then he escapes again

Clive has some awful months and Anne notices. She knows, but at the same time, she doesn’t: she knows Percy and Clive had a cute dynamic and relationship, she knows they loved each other, but she cant notice the homoerotism they had, and so she goes on looking for percival

I shpuld add that even tho I didn’t outlined this, there was a subplot exploring Anne’s bisexuality. I was working on how to do it when I deleted the fanfic

She finds Percival and discovers that he lied this whole time: his real name is Daniel Darcy, son of Mrs. Darcy, a middle-class woman who fell in disgrace after her husband escaped with his lover. It is revealed that Percival has many brothers and is the youngest of all, being 22. It is also revealed that he have been running away from home and coming back since he was twelve. His mother openly talks shit about Percy and it is hinted that Percy is a  Bastard, a product of a love affair.

There was a silly joke I had in my notes app:

“Many years ago, Mr. Darcy ran away from us, in the gay nineties”, he spat, struggling with laughing and bitterness. “Gay, my mother hates the word, just like she hates me and everything that is stunning.”

Then Anne wouldve told Percival about Clive but he wouldve stop her and ask her to go. But he wouldve return to penge a few weeks later cus he a dumbass who doesn’t value himself. Then he and clive wouldve kissed in the rain while he sees percy in the darkness of the night at penge’s garden, but then percy wouldve been like “lol bye” bc he just wanted to let clive know that he loved him too and that he would be back in the morning.

Fluffy ffluffy fluffy flufly

Then BOOM Maurice makes an appearance, telling clive everything about what happened with kitty, then asking for money lmao so he and alec can look for another place, and he tells clive that didn’t anywhere else to go. At fisrt Clive says no but then percy manages to persuade him into helping Maurice, who is surprised to see Clive with a man. Clive and Maurice have a nice chat, clive apologizes and cries and then the next day Clives calls Risley and cries too and say something like sorry I wasn’t there for you yoy didn’t deserved to go through that and it was so unfair, and then he -in  a very subtle way- apologizes to anne. And thus Clive is clean of guilt

But then Clive and Percival have a fight bc he wants to participate in Clive’s life but Clive refuses. Angsty angsty angsty. Percival reveals he was promised by his mother his part of the heritage if he married and became a proper gentleman. He tells clive he will accept his mother offer if clive keeps being ashamed of him

Clive wants to be with percival but he sees himself in another drama, so he does what is easier: letting Percival go.

But percival didn’t expected that shit to happen ?? as extra as he is, he thought clive wouldve comfort him and kiss him. .. .. . . .

Bc he doenst know anywhere else to go, and doesn’t want to get married and hates his mom and he would hate it if he became clive, he goes with Maurice and Alec CUS HE WANTS THEM TO BE HIS DADS ¿’¿’’93 me too bitch get in the line

So advices advices advices. Percival has a clearer mind and he runs his way up to penge

So kisses kisses kisses, he and Clive are in love nd stuff. JUMP TIME, Maurice and alec live in France and they are Percy’s and Clive’s neighbors. Anne is looking for adventures and kisses many women and many men. Everyone is happy YAY I can cope

TO A HAPPIER YEAR

Ok I am a little tired I want to sleep jdswiow io

So Clive’s durham first love. Fluffly fluffly fflufy

It cover events during the movie (clive being tired of bullshit after Christmas vacs).

Bc clive is an asshole, he ignores Quinn (his first love and stuff]) and quinn wants to know why he is being pushed aside and why is clive so distant. But then he discovers it and wish clive luck

JUMP TIME they are both in their 36 and clive is miserable during a trip in Italy. They both meet during said trip, reconnect romantically,  and HAPPY YEAR YES EVERYTHING IS HAPPIER THE YEARS HAPPY ENDING WHATEVer. I swear it is cuter Im just very sleepy now lol

[horansqueen]

BabyGirl 9.0

NOTES:

♥ this is based on a concept i received a few weeks ago and ppl asked that i made a story with it. ♥ i planned 3-4 long parts but i think it’ll be 8-10 short parts ♥ 3.4k. fluff. ♥ there may be smut but i doubt it and IF it happens it wont be as explicit as my other smut works. ♥ i didn’t proofread and if you read my stuff you know i never do because im a lazy ass. ♥ i hope some of you still enjoy this! let me know! ♥ if you have any questions please dont hesitate.

♥ PART 1  // PART 2 // PART 3  // PART 4 // PART 5 // PART 6 // PART 7 // PART 8

                     9.0  HESITATIONS & OREOS

HIM

I had no idea what made me propose that but although my mind was fighting hard against it, this time, my heart won. She stared at me, blinking a few times, probably wondering what my words meant exactly, and what they implied. I was asking myself the same thing but it seemed like I couldn't concentrate. All I could hear were the hard beatings of my heart against my rib cage. It echoed all over my body, making it throb and making nervousness spread inside me. I wanted her to say yes, I wanted her to stay with me, even if I knew it was dangerous, but at the same time, i knew the right answer was to refuse.

Despite everything Louis had told me, I still was not sure our feelings were real anymore. I didn't know if the relationship we could start would be as deep and intense as it used to be, and I was not sure it was the right thing to do for Chelsea. It made me realize that my daughter's happiness was now the most important thing for me, and I was ready to let go of things I wanted if it meant keeping her from hurting. That evidence hit me hard and I moved back slightly like someone had slapped me hard.

"You know what, maybe it's not a good idea after all."

The words escaped my lips and I regretted them as soon as I heard them. I found her eyes with mine and she frowned, nodding slowly and licking her lips. I had done it again, I had hurt her, and i cursed at myself mentally. Every single time I took a step forward with her, I ended up taking two steps back, making things even harder between us.

"I mean, no, you can stay." I corrected myself quickly. "The room where Chelsea is sleeping has a king size bed, so you two can share it."

She didn't even try to hide it, her face twisted into a sad expression and she nodded, sending me a fake smile. She kept quiet, and silence fell between us. I thought about the kiss we shared only a few minutes ago, and my heart skipped a beat. It was incredible how her lips seemed to fit perfectly with mine, how this damn kiss seemed like a choreography we had rehearsed for years, how every time my mouth left hers, I seemed to feel completely empty. I wanted to reach for her, bring my hands on her cheeks to cup her face, if only to feel my skin against hers.

I shut my eyes tight for a few seconds and opened them again. She was playing with her fingers nervously, her leg shaking and her gaze fixing the floor, like she was lost in her thoughts. I wish we could share how we felt, but we were both a bit confused and I couldn't seem to put into words all the emotions invading me. I was never really good with expressing my feelings unless it was in a song, but it's been even worse in the past few days. It probably didn't help that I kept backing away after showing her affection and even if I was having a hard time, it still was not an excuse to play yo-yo with her.

I suddenly felt extremely guilty and licked my lips, reaching out to grab her fingers with mine. It seemed to startle her and her head raised up before her eyes met mine again.

"Come on." I let out very gently with a small head movement.

She didn't ask anything, she simply got up and followed me to the kitchen, bringing her empty glass with her when I grabbed my beer. She put her glass on the isle and leaned against it, her fingers brushing on the marble of the counter. I felt my heart twist at her sight, trying to push away all the romantic thoughts that rushed to my brain.

My heart jumped in my chest when I noticed something on the counter and held my breath, walking to it. It lay in my hand, the cold metal burning the palm of my hand. Louis had told me that he had left something for me in the kitchen, but I didn't expect it to be the silver heart I had thrown away before the party he dragged me to. I stared at it, blinking a few times, before quickly slipping it in my pocket. I took a deep breath, happy that it was not lost forever, even if I didn't want to admit it to myself.

"Are you alright?"

I looked back at my ex girlfriend and sent her a smile and a nod to reassure her. I grabbed the bottle of wine from the fridge and poured her an other glass. She stared at it, making it turn around with two of her fingers while I took an other sip of my beer, emptying it quickly.

"Hungry?"

She raised her head as I walked to the pantry, reaching up to grab a box of cookies and coming back to her, placing it next to her glass as I leaned on the isle too, right next to her. I watched as her lips curled and she chuckled, looking up at me. I noticed I was closer to her than I thought but I fought my first instinct and remained motionless instead to back away again.

"Wine, cookies... you're a real diet breaker, Niall Horan, did you know that?"

I stared at her some seconds before answering.

"You haven't seen anything, I ordered pizza earlier." I pointed out with a smirk, making her laugh. "There's some left if you're interested."

Her smile turned into a fonder one and mine did too. She took her glass and brought it to her lips, making my gaze move to her mouth as she took a sip. If only I didn't feel that strongly about her, perhaps it wouldn't be as confusing.

"No thanks." she finally replied. "Cookies are good."

I knew she had a sweet tooth and I smiled more, opening the box and giving her an oreo cookie. She grabbed it and twisted it, separating both cookies before letting her tongue gather all the cream on one until there was only the cookie left. I laughed and rolled my eyes as she handed it to me, making me grimace.

"There's no way I'm eating that," I admitted with a laugh. "It's full of your spit. You literally licked all of it."

"It's the cookies you prefer though, right? And I prefer the cream. It's called sharing." she joked with an other chuckle. "Besides, you kissed me earlier, did you think it was nasty?"

She stared at me with a daring smile as my eyes traveled from her eyes to her lips and back to her eyes.

"That's different." I whispered. "You know it."

She licked her lips and this time, it made my heart skip a beat. It was crazy the effect she had on me and it bothered me.

"But did you think it was nasty?"

I smiled more and laughed, my hand reaching her way as I touched the top of her hand with the tip of my fingers. It sent an electric shock all over my body and I could swear I saw her shiver.

"Of course not."

"I dare you to do it." she let out, playing with the cookie in her hand, her gaze still dived in mine.

I felt my heartbeats accelerate and held my breath as we looked at each other intensely. Time seemed to be suspended and my fingers stopped moving on top of her hand. My lips parted slightly and I finally inhaled, filling my lungs with air but also courage. I had to stop fighting against what I wanted, I had to stop over-analyzing every single action I made. It was not easy for me, I was used to check my every move, to choose my words carefully, to make sure I let out enough but not too much, that I reacted exactly the way I was supposed to...

Without thinking, I moved closer quickly and pushed my lips against hers. She jumped slightly but I wrapped my arms around her, pulling her closer, and she finally relaxed against me, allowing me to kiss her deeper. This time, our kiss was more impatient, and way more passionate. I held her body flush against mine, enjoying the burning sensation it procured me, and when I finally broke the kiss, I kept my forehead pressed against her, opening my eyes slowly. I met her gaze and we smiled, chuckling again and she nibbled on her bottom lip for a few seconds.

"I meant, I dare you to eat the cookie." she explained with a short and low laugh, making me smile more.

"I know."

We remained like that for a few minutes before I loosened my embrace and she sighed, reaching for her glass and taking a long sip from it, making me laugh again. I grabbed the cookie on the counter and put it completely in my mouth, chewing on it and swallowing it quickly. She rolled her eyes with a grin and shook her head before to hand be the other half.

"Still hungry?"

I glanced at the cookie in her hand as she shook it to catch my attention but finally looked back up at her. She was pretty, and the way she smiled made me want to be close to her, physically, and emotionally.

"I bought wine just for you, in case you'd come here." I randomly let out.

She immediately stopped wiggling the cookie and looked at me, surprised. I breathed in and sighed, looking down at her hand and taking the cookie gently from her fingers, putting it away.

"And I kept buying oreo cookies because it reminds me of you." I confessed, feeling my heart jump up my throat. "I never really forgot you, or got over you. I just pushed the memories away."

She kept silent, swallowing hard but pressing her lips together. I didn't know if it was to stop herself from talking, or from crying, but I just shook my head.

"See? I contradict myself all the time." I scoffed, feeling ridiculous and shaking my head. "I did all I could to stop thinking about you, yet I kept buying these cookies that made me think of you. It's exactly like right now. I kiss you and back away, when in reality I just want to bring you to my room. I invite you for the night and take it back but what I actually want is to have you in my life. And not just as the mother of my kid but as my girlfriend."

HER

His self-critical tirade left me voiceless. It was the last thing I expected and I felt slightly dizzy from his avowal mixed with the two glasses of wine I had swallowed. I backed away slightly, as if to get an overview of the whole situation, but I was not sure the words he spoke had really sank it yet.

"What do... what do you mean, Niall?"

He turned around, his back facing me, and moved his hand in his hair, pulling on it slightly and letting out a sigh. I watched him, remaining motionless but feeling my heart beat so hard in my chest that the sound echoed all over my body.

I didn't want him to stop talking. I wanted to hear his voice over and over again. I wanted to listen to his words for a million times, until I could really grasp them and let them invade all of me. If I could, I would record him, just to close my eyes and play his confession all night.

"I don't know, I don't know what i'm saying."

Slowly, he turned my way, his hand still in his hair, and his eyes moved up to meet mine. I held my breath as he took a step closer and shook his head.

"I know what I want, but I don't know what I should do."

"Why don't you do what you want to do." I let out very low, tilting my head and frowning slightly. "You ever heard of the saying 'just follow your heart'?"

He chuckled and shut his eyes tight for a few seconds before opening them. He became serious again and just shrugged.

"I know you're that kind of person but I'm not. I can't be."

Obviously, I had no idea what he was going though or what his life was like, but what kind of regrets is he going to have in fifty years from now?

"I can't pretend I understand," I started, moving closer and holding myself on the isle. " But I respect that. You have a very different life than mine."

He stares at me again, letting his arm fall back on the side of his body, and I let my eyes wander on him. He grew up and changed. He was not the skinny kid I used to date, and I felt sorry I didn't get the chance to watch him turn into the man he became.

"That's the problem." he admitted so low I barely heard him. "I want my life and yours to be similar."

I felt my lips curl into a small but fond smile.

"We have Chelsea," I mentioned. "That means we're linked forever."

His eyes roamed on my face and he put his hand on the isle too. I glanced at it and breathed in, desperate to be closer to him again.

"I'm very happy about my new title, I love being Chelsea's dad, way more than I thought I would at first." he professed, bending slightly and making me look up to follow his eyes. "But I want us to be linked in many other ways. I just don't know if it's really what we should do, I don't know if it's the good thing to do for Chelsea."

It took me a few seconds but I finally nodded slowly at his comment. I felt my heart twist in my chest knowing he cared about our daughter's well-being before his own, since making her my priority was something I did ever since I found out I was pregnant.

"She asked me if I was her new father."

My lips curled at his words and I chuckled, my gaze never leaving his.

"What did you say?"

He shrugged, licking his lips and I did the same without thinking.

"You know me, I eluded the question with an other question."

This time, I let out a laugh that made his smile grow. I brought my hand slowly to his chest and gripped his shirt lightly, shaking my head. There are so many questions I wanted to ask him myself without daring to, but I was not surprised my daughter had more guts than I did.

"Well done." I simply said. "But one day, we're gonna have to answer it. You're lucky she didn't insist."

I felt his fingers over mine on the counter but didn't have the courage to look at our hands. At that point, I didn't care about anything else but what he was going to do next.

"I know." he whispered, his face so close to mine I could feel his warm breath on my skin.

"Okay."

He bent closer and I swallowed, keeping my eyes open until his lips pressed against mine once again. I gripped his shirt harder and pulled him to me a bit rougher than I intended, making him chuckle against my mouth.

"How about we take things slow but without telling Chelsea?" he breathed, his lips brushing against mine as he talked.

"Okay."

I swallowed my emotions and cleared my throat, knowing my voice was about to crack. I knew why he didn't want to tell our daughter yet, and I knew he was right, but trying again with him was something I desperately wanted. I was scared, probably even more than he was, and there was no way I wanted to risk hurting Chelsea with this.

He kissed me again. It was a simple kiss, but it made an ecstatic sensation run through my body and I didn't deepen the kiss this time, in fear of ruining it. It took me a while but I finally let go of his shirt. He moved back a bit to look in my eyes and I sent him a large smile that he sent back.

I grabbed my glass and downed it completely, making him laugh. He took it and brought it to the sink.

"Enough for tonight, are you tired?" he asked. I shook my head and he just nodded. "Alright, maybe we can listen to music in the living room?"

I waited until he was sitting down and he patted the seat next to him. I sat down and immediately, his arm moved around my shoulders. The intense feeling that invaded me was almost unknown but after searching in my memory, I realized that the only times I ever felt like that was when I was with Niall.

He used his phone to put music on the tv and I smiled when it filled the entire room. I leaned my head on the couch and closed my eyes until I heard a chuckle next to me. I turned my head in his direction and opened my eyes, raising my eyebrows.

"What?"

"You and Chelsea, you're both so..." he let out, shaking his head. "I don't know, you two have the same expressions, you do the same faces, and you react the same."

I laughed too and shrugged, closing my eyes again.

"We've been doing almost everything together for five years now, I guess you develop similar habits and reactions."

I couldn't tell him how bad I wanted him to be a part of us, a part of what we had. I would gladly let him join us and I was sure Chelsea already had feelings for him. She had such a big heart and Niall was so easy to love.

"Chelsea is gonna need new clothes," I started, feeling him shift slightly on his seat.

"Oh, yea, sure, I can pay for her stuff."

His response made a laugh escape my lips and my eyes fluttered open, waiting until he looked back at me.

"No, I'm not asking for your money, Nee." I explained with a grin. "I was wondering if you wanted to come with us."

He stared at me, blinking a few times, amusing me even more.

"The mall? You, me, and Chelsea? Tomorrow?"

His expression changed and he seemed surprised.

"Oh, yes, of course."

I sat up and turned my body to him, glancing at his lap and bringing one of my hands on his thigh. I had no idea why I needed to touch him so bad, but it was stronger than me. I felt bad until he moved his arm from the back of the couch to bring me closer to him. My lips found his easily and I brought both of my hands on his cheeks to cup his face.

"I know it's probably not your favorite activity, but Chelsea loves shopping." I mentioned. "She also loved trying out clothes, so I hope you're patient."

He laughed and I did the same.

"I'm ready. Bring it."

I felt my heart soften and he pulled me with him as he lied down. His body felt so good against mine and I inhaled deeply, closing my eyes and wrapping my arm around him. I didn't want to move ever again, I just wanted to stay close to him forever. He smelled exactly the way I remembered, a mix of his expensive cologne and his unique body scent. The heat of his body warmed mine and it calmed me in a way I couldn't explain.

"I think I'm gonna spend the night here, after all."

He chuckled and I pushed myself harder on him, feeling suddenly incredibly tired.

[achrvmatic-blog]

                                                         THE SAPPY BITS.

I genuinely suck at these, but let me just say i’m grateful for !! so many of you !! ALL of you !! sice is the first canon muse and muse, in general, i’ve ever had on Tumblr, so all my newness has been experienced here. in this community and many others as i continue to branch out, and i’ve never met as many lovely people as i have here before in one place.

BUCKLE UP BUTTERCUPS YOURE IN FOR A RIDE

                                                MY SQUAD !! RIDE OR DIE !!

@tireurae / @lancerborn / @electricwove / @ffamran.    almond, my man, my main trey you were legit the first type-0 blog to follow and interact with me and seemed so genuinely happy and excited when i made my sice, it made my day?? and kept me on her tbh before i got more mutuals. i loved our interactions together between our class zero babs, and i hope we can do more in the future!! i’ll follow whatever blog you make for the rest of my days i swear.

@noctiscaelvm.    dan, my sweetie pie, my honey bun this goes without even saying how valued you are on my blog. because its a lot. A. Lot. you write your muse so well on noctis, but that’s obvious because you always seem to do so well with any character you take on?? character you take on?? and need i Mention our ship with @sorebullet these three got me Wrecked.

@nightscaped.   phob, your oc kael is just. so amazing he Blows my mind how well written and made and thought out and EVERYTHING he is. sometimes i play ffviii and wonder “wheres kael? wheres my bro?” and lets not even mention how badly sice needed a friend that wouldnt punch her in the face lbr, because everyone else would if they could.

@lazuliss.   let me just say: your noel snatches me bald okay he Owns My Weave. I’ve idolised your blog Forever not gonna lie because noel is such a good character and im like. why does no one write my boyfriend?? love him?? and then your blog came along and i was effectively launched into the planets orbit alright im out of this world. i’m also in love with our au and expect so many things your way when summer hits and i am Free from the majority of my obligations we’re gonna get TURNT.

@lockedfighter.   your tifa is a BAE and honestly as the first tifa i’ve ever written with you will always have a special place in this dark little gay heart of mine. i love how you write her and im often stuck between her mom-ing sice and just being a really good pal y’feel. but then i remember: why not both?

@irradiancies.    i love your kairi. i really do, watching you write her reminds me and makes me see all the reasons why i should and DO love her?? she’s honestly equally important as riku and sora and the bbs trio ppl okay she’s hella important and i love her and sice will little sister the fuck out of her eventually just give her some time.

@eternalfaction .   ley. ley!! LEY !! I love you too like i dont even know where to Begin with you?? but lets start and remind you how Awesome you were for starting the rp group you did for everyone, the first affiliated community i’ve ever been in and by far from that experience i wouldn’t ever mind being in one again. you brought me close to some of the people i’ve mentioned already, and for that i am ever greatful!! it even brought me to you.

@lastscion .   you’re like, the only other noctis so far i can recall deeply interacting with and boy. i love your noctis too and i have in no way forogtten your king blog im just hella slow af, and god just punch me in the face w/ur talent come on lemme have it.

@leviathkand .  your tidus has scortched my eyebrows off with how pure of a sun he is. i have no eyebrows. theyre gone. eyebrows were a myth for me tbh and even though we literally rn only have one thread, i look forward to a future full of them between our gaurdian babies !! they have so much potential. so much.

@akamure .   literally we’ve only had a few crack interactions that incluuded @adventson , and to the both of you, i’m just waiting man my clock is set the calendar is marked i love you guys’ writing and portrayals and hmu one day yfeel...

@shinatosark &&. @puritybled . this fits for the both of you because we have only just scratched the surface of plotting between the relationships our muses will have but if you dont think in her ygo verse sice isnt gonna sister the hell out of these two boys you are Wrong and you are in for a surprise. they’re not blood related but that doesnt matter?? they’re her little brothers now. you cant escape and you cant stop this kaiba name or no kaiba name she cant be controlled. you’ve both also been some of the very first people outside my muses canon fandom to be chill and open to interact with me and i am grateful. so greatful. ive been blessed by two angels right here.

@yunafied .  uhm? ur yuna? ur yuna. she owns my soul no take backs she has it now and i dont want it back. i have so many ideas i need to hurry up and pitch at you to develop of class zero kids, because i have such concepts to get yuna into that sibling bond group too she needs to learn a little compassion from yuna honestly.

@shitheaddog .  we’ve barely been mutuals but just like my ygo fam you’re so ?? cool and open to me wtf and i cant wait for what we’ll be able to do together in sice’s inuyasha verse ( also that botw stuff *wink wonk* im in that hell too).

@yuhaie . A GODDESS?? A LITERAL GODDESS. WE’VE BEEN MUTUALS FOR ONE DAY. ONE. AND YOU’VE BEEN KIND ENOUGH TO MAKE A PRE-ESTABLISHED BOND WITH MY MUSE IN A NARUTO VERSE OUT THE KINDNESS OF YOUR HEAT AND OMG WHAT THE FUK I CANT EVEN.

                                  some bomb ass bitches lemme tell u.

i love seeing you guys on my feed?? you make my time here worth just as much as everybody else. thank you.

@pharahos @puzzllcd @infiniitas @cardgamez @brandedrose @synxrgist @papilia / @tiiamate @adventhero @reminiscentiae @keycursed @tacticalgunner @infusedblues @valeurr / @bloodknuckles @kaosureign @ofhammerhead @ibisangelus @scphiroth @magitekelite @jourdevanille @notavampirehere

[horansqueen]

BabyGirl 1.0

NOTES:

♥ this is based on a concept i received a few weeks ago and ppl asked that i made a story with it. ♥ i planned 3-4 long parts but i think it’ll be 8-10 short parts ♥ 3.7k. fluff. ♥ there may be smut but i doubt it and IF it happens it wont be as explicit as my other smut works. ♥ i didn’t proofread and if you read my stuff you know i never do because im a lazy ass. ♥ i would be SO SO SO happy to get feedback for this. please? ♥ if you have any questions please dont hesitate.  ♥ read part 2 HERE

                                        1.0  ♥ LIES & TIES ♥

HIM

The first time I met her, I noticed her. It was in the way she laughed, I think. That's what drew me to her first. Then, I noticed how clever and cheeky she was, but also how kind and generous she turned out to be. When I brought her outside to take her away from all the noise and music, it hit me how perfect her face looked through the moonlight, and how bad I wanted to kiss her. I made sure she was not panicking, and when our eyes met, I felt my heart twist. Maybe it was from all the beer I had swallowed, but I could swear it was from the way she actually looked at me: Intensely, like she was looking  for answers of existential questions through my eyes.

I remember the way her cold hands on my cheeks made a shiver run through my back, and how her warm lips against mine made me want to take a cab and bring her home. I had never felt my heart beat harder than that, and I remember thinking that I finally knew what it meant to be in love.

We wanted to take things slow, but the problem was that we couldn't stay away from each other. The waiting and the time apart didn't excite us, it actually made us miserable. When we both admitted that to each other, and to ourselves, we decided to take things as they came. And they came fast. But I didnt even feel nauseous or scared of the quick pace. Rather, it made my heart swell with all the feelings I had for her.

That's why I was a bit annoyed when I came home one day and she started asking me all these questions about our future and what I expected from this relationship. I was in a bad mood, just a bunch of small inconveniences that poured on me through the day, and rehearsing had been a pain in the ass. I didn't want to fight, but I also didn't want to sit down and talk about this.

I wanted a shower, a good fuck, and to watch the golf channel. But there she was, with her impossible questions and her crazy suspicions. Did I want kids with her? Why would she even ask that, at that very moment? I couldn't lie, we had talked about it a few times, late at night, in the darkness of my bedroom, but it was different than almost pressuring me into it, as if she wanted to start a family with me in the next hours.

We fought, and after telling her I could find an other girl, she stormed out. I couldn't blame her. I knew she was self-conscious, for no real reason in my opinion, and I twisted the knife deeper in the wound. I regretted my words as soon as they escaped my lips but it was too late and somehow, I felt like she wanted to leave anyway.

It took me months to call her again, which was quite surprising, knowing how close we used to be, but after that fight, I started questioning my feelings and hers. Did we really love each other? Would we really last? What was I missing by being in a steady relationship with an older girl whom I barely saw since I was always on tour or working?

One night, after getting drunk with the boys, I spilled my heart out to her on text, and when I realized she wouldn't answer, I cried. I cried like a fucking baby who had lost his mom forever. I cried like I had lost the love of my life. I cried because I knew it was really over, and that if I had called her before, maybe she would still be in my life.

"Mate, stop, why are you even crying?"

I sniffed, sitting up in bed and turning to Louis, a sudden realization coming through me.

"You! You call her and talk to her for me! Louis, you do it!"

I was not sure those were the words I used, and I probably slurred them a bit more, but it's how it sounded to me. Louis looked at me, raising his nose up. He never liked to get into his friends' business and the fact that he knew both of us made it even worse.

"You're her best mate! Call her! Please!"

I was literally begging my bandmate, the guy who was like a brother to me, to call my girlfriend for me. The girl who wouldn't even answer my text messages.

"I'm not her best mate at all. We're just... friends." he shrugged. "And I ain't gonna play matchmaker for you two. You got into this together, then work it out."

I felt my eyes burn again from the tears and stared at him intensely. I couldn't believe he was being so harsh with me and he finally turned to look at me and rolled his eyes with a sigh.

"Okay you know what? You get a rest and we'll discuss it tomorrow." he let out, clearly annoyed. "If you still want me to talk to her, I'll fly back home and pay her a visit. Just because I also need to see my family, alright?"

When he came back from that trip, though, he didn't mention anything. I waited, and waited, but after the third show we had in a row, I confronted him. It took him forever to answer and he just closed his eyes with a sigh. There was something he didn't want to mention, and I suspected she already had a new boyfriend.

"Look, Niall..." he sighed for a second time. "Just know that she doesn't want you back, okay? She's moved on, so you should do the same."

I wanted to ask more, I wanted to find out why she didn't want to be around me anymore, and why her love for me left so fast, but I just watched Louis get up and leave. I got drunk again that night, but I didn't message her. I threw my phone in a trash bin as soon as I found one and never looked back.

Perhaps, we weren't meant to be. After all, I couldn't dwell on the past or expect anything more if she didn't want it too. It was useless, and I had to mend the pieces of my heart back together quickly. We only have one life to live and I was one of the luckiest persons in the world. That's what I had to focus on.

God, I didn't know I was in for a ride.

HER

I met Niall one day that had started like all the others, except maybe the fact that Louis, who also happened to be a close friend of mine, had insisted I was there for his birthday. It was a cold december night and soon, I had felt overwhelmed by all the people, the noise and the alcohol. It was Niall who talked to me first, asking me if I was okay, and making sure I was not panicking. It was Niall who brought me outside, talked me out of my paranoia and helped me breathe. It was Niall who bent down to meet my eyes, made my heart melt, made me fall in love with him. And when it started snowing, I felt like I was in some sort of romantic Christmas movie.

We took things slow, and then we took things fast. I was happy with him and even if he was super busy and barely home, we always found ways not to let our relationship die. There was one day though... One day when everything changed.

When he walked inside, I was waiting for him, but I didn't think my heart would jump so high. He wasn't smiling like he normally does, and I thought that perhaps, something bad had happened at rehearsal. It made me nervous. Nervous to the point of swallowing the lump in my throat every 15 seconds. Nervous to the point of being nauseous and have sweaty hands. Nervous to the point of feeling like my whole future was going to be decided in the next hour of my life. I tried to push the bad thoughts away but without much success. I knew by just looking at his face that it was a bad time to have a serious discussion. I knew it was going to turn wrong. Thinking about it again, I realized I probably unconsciously wanted to fight with him to make things easier for both of us. I didn't want to ruin his life, and that's really what I felt I was doing.

"Do you want kids?"

He stopped dead in his track as the door closed behind him and turned to me, his lips now parted Clearly, he had a bad day and wasn't in the mood for this, but here I was, asking him some random question about the future, as if we never talked about it before.

I was so often at his place that it felt like home, but for some odd reason, I kept my own apartment. He had asked me a few times to move in, which was quite surprising coming from him, but I always refused. I was dating a rich kid in a boyband, the chances of him finding someone prettier, thinner and just simply better was very high, and I wasn't even sure why he was interested in me. He would probably tell me I need to be more confident, but I was not sure it was really what it was about. I was definitely not the most confident person in the world, but being scared to lose someone like Niall was not really just a part of my imagination.

"I..." he stopped, his eyes roaming on my face, and i tried to remain motionless, sitting straight on his sofa.

I was trying to keep eye contact but it wasn't as easy as I thought. I wanted to analyze his every reaction, as if it would change anything from what was about to happen.

"I already told you I wanted them, but later, when i'll be, i don't know..." he explained, raising his shoulders, shaking his head. "In my thirties?"

I felt my heart twist in my chest and I swallowed my tears, glancing down before looking back up in his eyes. He stared at me, slightly annoyed, slightly impatient, and I licked my lips.

"And, do you want them... with me?"

This time, it's fear I could read on his face. He was young, famous and rich. I could understand that the thought of promising his girlfriend to have babies with her was something scary. I was scared too, more than he could ever think, but I was doing my best not to show it.

"We're young, you know." he just said with a shrug. "I don't know what the future holds for us."

I closed my eyes and breathed in and out slowly and deeply. I wanted to insist, I had to insist. Even if I knew there was a big chance it would turn into an argument.

"I know, but you still plan on it, right?" I added, getting up. "You love me, and you want to spend your life with me, don't you?"

His face twisted again. I was aware I was asking a twenty-year old boybander if he wanted to spend his life with me. I was not even sure if he actually loved me and from seeing the expression on his face, I could tell he wasn't sure either. I loved him, though. Deeply, truly, with my entire being, I was in love with him, but I didn't expect him to return the feeling. In fact, I didn't expect anything. I couldn't expect anything.

"Why exactly are we having this discussion again?" he asked with a sigh. "I'm not ready to start a family, and you're not either. I'm going on tour in a few weeks, and it's not like we can really plan it anytime soon."

I kept silent and swallowed, glancing down at his feet. He had taken his shoes off and for some odd reason, I was endeared by the way he let his foot rub gently against the carpet. I wanted to move closer to him, I wanted him to engulf me in one of his incredibly satisfying and comforting hugs, but that was not going to happen.

"Plan it?" I just asked in a whisper, not even sure he actually heard me.

"Come on, love, look at me."

I breathed in and finally moved my chin up, my eyes meeting his immediately. He seems confused and still annoyed, but he called me love, and it made my heart melt every single time.

"Why are we talking about this?" he just wondered with a shrug. "I've had a bad day and to be honest, i'm really not in the mood for this shit."

Something stirred inside me when he talked and I felt tears burn my eyes. I had to do something, or else, I was going to cry and tell him everything.

"Shit? Are you fucking serious now?"

My answer took him by surprise and he raised his eyebrows, taking a short step back. I swallowed again and shook my head, closing my eyes for a few seconds before opening them again.

"I'm older than you, Niall, and i've always wanted a family." I pointed out, trying to let anger take over and erase my sadness. "If you're not sure you want that, then there's no point in even keeping this up."

I grabbed my purse on the floor roughly and moved past him to reach the door. He quickly stopped me, blocking me with one of his arms, and I tried not to look at him, knowing too well It was the best way for me to crack.

"Woa, calm down ok! That's not what I said!"

"Okay but that's what I said." I answered, feeling my voice started to shake. "You don't want to discuss this seriously? Then I'm out."

Silence fell between us for a few seconds but he remained motionless.

"Now let me go."

Something clearly burst inside him because he moved his arm and suddenly got angrier than I've ever seen him.

"Yea? FINE THEN!" he swung both his arms exaggeratedly in the door's direction. "Just fucking leave! You think I'm gonna weep and cry? I can have ANYONE okay, ANYONE."

I deserved it. I deserved that outburst and I deserved his anger, but despite this fact, his words hurt me deeper than I could have imagined. He knew this was something that bothered me and made me insecure, and he used it against me. I felt myself tear up and turned to look at him. As soon as he saw my face, his expression changed into a guilty one and my eyes got smaller at the rage now invading my whole body and mind.

"Well good for you! You do that!" I expressed roughly, staring him. "You go get that fucking perfect girl and forget about me and all that we had! Who cares, right?"

I didn't want for his answer, I just rushed out. He could have ran after me but he didn't. I could have walked back in to tell him the truth but I didn't. I just drove home, sobbing the whole time of the ride, and walked into an empty apartment I hadn't seen in weeks. It was cold, sad, and most of all, it was Niall-less.

Out of pain, I threw my purse violently down, watching as its content scattered all over the wood floor. The only thing that actually reached my feet was a white stick. Watching it made me cry even more. I let myself fall on the cold floor and pressed my palms on my eyes. I didn't want all of this to happen. I didn't want to lose Niall. And thinking i'll never be close to him anymore makes me literally want to vomit. I pulled my hands away but I could barely see anything because of the tears. I reached for the stick and blinked a few times, trying to clear my eyes, and held my breath, looking at the pregnancy test I took only a few hours before.

Positive. The little plus sign seemed to get bigger and bigger as I stared at it, as if it was taunting me. I could almost hear it say "Hey, I just ruined your relationship! Now you're gonna have to raise that baby all alone!" But the truth was, I had ruined my own relationship. It was all me. I couldn't blame anyone else. The truth was, I knew it would ruin Niall's career, and I didn't want to lock him into a relationship and a situation he would feel miserable in. I didn't want to turn this talented and happy young man into a desperate and unhappy person, even if it would be despite myself.

That's why I never called him again, and that's why I didn't answer when he messaged me, a few months later. I knew he was on tour and I knew he sometimes got lonely in his hotel room, and it was definitely not a good reason to come back in his life. He was touring, he was happy, he was living his dream, and there was no way I was going to take that away from him. I would hate myself forever If i ever did that.

To my biggest surprise, it knocked on my door a few days after ignoring Niall's text messages, and I really didn't expect who was on the other side. I opened the door slowly, peeking out and my eyes got bigger when I saw Louis standing there. He looked tired but still amazing, and my lips curled at his sight. I didn't think twice and threw myself in his arms before he wrapped them around me. It only lasted a few seconds though and he quickly pulled away, his eyes falling on my growing stomach.

"Oh my... god."

I breathed in and my hand reached for my tummy, as if it could hide anything from my pregnancy.

"Is this... Is it...?"

"Louis, please come in, okay?"

I turned around and walked back inside, hearing him close the door behind us and I brought him to the nursery I had prepared. He stayed in the door frame, his eyes roaming on the pink walls, the stuffed animals, and the pure white drawers I had bought. It took him a whole minute to finally turn to me, his eyes dropping to my belly again.

"You have to tell Niall..."

"No!" I cut him straight and breathed in and out slowly. "And you can't tell him either."

"If it's his baby, he deserves to know..."

I raised my hand up, making him stop talking, and closed my eyes. I didn't expect Louis to be here, I didn't expect him to see me like this and discover my secret, but now that he had, I couldn't just let him leave and spill it all to Niall. I knew he would come back and try to work things out with me, and I couldn't let him ruin his tour and his life for me.

"Louis, you're my oldest friend." I argued, opening my eyes to meet his. "I've known you since I was a kid, and i'm begging you, in the name of our friendship, don't tell Niall. Please. He's happy, he's touring the world, he's doing what he likes... and I want that for him. I want him to keep doing that. I don't want to be the girl who forced him into a relationship and a family life."

Louis started at me for a while. He stared at me for so long that I thought he would never speak again. I tried to concentrate on my heart beating hard against my chest, hoping to get it back to a normal speed, but it's only when Louis nodded that a feeling of relief washed over me.

"Thank you."

He moved closer and stared at my belly again. I reached down and grabbed his hand, placing it on the side of it and when I felt the baby hit, my lips curled. His head raised up quickly and a surprised expression appeared on his face, making me chuckle.

"Fooking hell..."

This time, I laughed and he shook his head, leaving his hand on me.

"So this is real, you're gonna have Niall's baby."

My smile fell and his hand too. We looked up in each other's eyes with serious faces and I finally nodded.

"Most of all though, it's my baby." I explained. "And you need to promise me, Lou."

"What am I supposed to tell Niall? I told him i'd check on you and find out why you won't answer his messages."

I walked to the couch and sat on it. There was no real comfortable position and I gave up on trying to find one.

"He literally declared his love to me, you knew that? I mean, he's been ignoring me for months now. I can't be with someone who's there only when he wants to. I bet he was drunk and alone when he sent these texts?"

From Louis' expression, I knew I was right and I just shrugged.

"Just tell him I don't want anything to do with him anymore. He'll get over me, he'll find someone else. We both know it, right? He'll be happier this way."

Louis left and promised to call me from time to time. A few weeks later, I even received a large box full of goodies, from toys to diapers, and I couldn't believe how lucky I was to be friends with someone like him. I wanted him to be the godfather but I knew how unfair it would be to ask him to lie even more to a guy he considered his brother, so I didn't.

I thought it was all over. I thought i'd never see Niall again. I thought I was over him. Boy, I've never been more wrong in my entire life.