#stop fixating and dO THE THING
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Any idea how more power solves the problem of being a good person?
With more POWER, you can protect your teammates. With more POWER, you can defeat the Aberrant criminals who kill and extort and farm children for Rapture. With more POWER, you can avenge Jaeil. With the right kind of POWER, you could reform the Aberrant Corps from a killer, his killer, into a true hand of justice. You could impose Goodness across the entire world. With enough POWER, you wouldn't even need violence to do it.
And on the smaller scale... POWER can erase your mistakes. Good? You could be perfect.
#oh sayeon...#my own thoughts on the matter are 1: i didn't actually like that line lol#it was too on the nose#i forgive it because of the great character moment afterwards... but only just.#2: i think sayeon sees power/her own powerlessness as a barrier to being a good person in practice#she can't do most of the things she believes are good as a relatively powerless corps trainee#pretty much all she could do was confront aberrant criminals and now juni is telling her she's too weak to do that#& if she tries people will die because of her#damn this is becoming an essay. so becoming strong enough to protect good people and stop bad ones is sayeon's immediate “Power = Good”#and climbing the corps ranks to use the power she'll have at the top for good (lol. lmao even) is her long-term one.#double feature bc climbing the ranks requires power#3. BUT. rereading and she is HARDCORE fixated on jaeil. rn that logic is being co-opted into post hoc justification for her revenge mission#and then of course 4. her self esteem and using her power to wipe out any mistakes. but that requires further research#sayeon lee#hand jumper#asks
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snape deserved everything he got and worse. he was an incel creep and james was ALWAYS the better person by far.
gonna say something real crazy here, buck wild, just balls to the wall insane – but what if they were both bad? what if it’s bad to join a fascist hate movement and be mean to children as a fully grown adult and teacher, but it’s also bad to bully someone and threaten to take off their underwear in front of a crowd? and it’s bad to try to manipulate a girl into going out with you by saying you’ll stop bullying her friend if she accepts? what if that part when james says he doesn’t like snape because of “the fact that he exists” is in there for a reason? i know this is a really bonkers take, just cuckoo crazypants, to imagine that two people can be bad at the same time. and it’s probably even crazier to suggest that it actually doesn’t even matter who is better than who, and that this whole argument is a pointless endeavor, and that trying to play judge jury and executioner with fictional characters is an unproductive and frankly dumb way to engage with media
#sorry for really going in on you anon but jfc please open your mind to the possibility#that it’s fine and even good and interesting for characters to do bad things#stop fixating on what you think these fictional characters ‘deserved’ and start thinking about whether their actions make the story better#i promise you’ll have a better time#asks#my posts#hp#severus snape#james potter#pro snape#<- so dumb to put that. i’m ‘pro’ both characters because i think they’re INTERESTING not because i think their actions are justified!#actually i’m starting a new tag for this#the great snape debate
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. Ignore how inconsistent is I started it last night at 5am. It’s 4am right now and idgafffff I just needed to get the idea out of my head
#pleeease help me#my fave thing to do when I can’t stop thinking is to make it about my hyper fixation#I actually debated on posting this too cause it’s kinda personal and very loose#this is for the five underthello fans out there#black butler#kuroshitsuji#black butler fanart#undertaker black butler#undertaker#othello black butler#underthello#my eyes were unfocused n my brain was turned off for this
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oh yeah that’s fine yup this is fine THIS IS FINE!
NO ITS NOT, IM NOT FINE, NOTHING IS FINE, NOT AT ALL, HELP~🎃
(disclaimer: i know smoking is bad for you. 100% i get it. i’m not glamorizing it. neither of us are.)
#but seriously (and it’s very likely just my fucking oral fixation) he’s fucking—UGH#don’t smoke kids it’s bad for you#—he needs to stop being hot even when he’s doing unhealthy things.#he’s just so pretty with something in his mo—whoops#uhhhh#welp#so anyway#franks hands and his mouth huh?#yk i had made it out of my dumpster fire earlier this evening#but i’ve just had to roll right back in thanks to you#frnkiebby#bucciaratibugs#frank iero#mcr#frnkiero#mcrmy#frnkie#mcr5#my chemical romance#my chem#ilhsm
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talked w/ a friend about this and wanted to post something similar yesterday after a convo i saw also
about people criticizing ttcc / ttcc fans for just... being cog fans? being cog centric? usually coming from people who only like the toons.
and everyone likes what they like! it's okay! but saying that people who like the cogs are horrible and support the bad things they do, is just blatantly wrong. i thought we knew that enjoying villainous and morally Bad / grey characters is... okay? it doesn't mean you support what they do. it's interesting to explore these topics.
i've seen many people just... paint anyone who likes the cogs as horrible because they're "apologists of x and y" and... i dunno. rubs me the wrong way! you do have a point and recognize the cogs do bad things, but liking them as characters means nothing about who you are as a person.
and this is not to say that people who are in toontown for the toons are bad. hell! they are right this IS toontown. i may be on the cog liker side but i like the toons! maybe ocs more than the npcs - mostly because i like my friends and the sheer creativity the toons can bring out!!
SO what i wanna say... i dunno. let's not point fingers...? let's have fun in a goofy cartoon game together??? also complaining about people liking VILLAIN ROBOTS on TUMBLR is kind of funny to me. do you realize where you are. but then again a lot of this i see on discord and in-game as well since i avoid things on tumblr... i am a sensitive little fella i avoid misty fight bc of One Really mean "Critic" guy i saw there and i have been shivering in my bootsies since. so you get me
but like yes ttcc is more cog centric but... that's okay? things could be written better and i still wanna speak on it, and i do thing the toons deserve attention and better writing... but the fact it focuses on the cogs isn't... bad? if you don't like how con centric it is you can go play ttr...? god forbid people have fun and explore the villain's side of things...? i'm not saying either toontown server is better or worse than the other... and everyone can like their own things!!
but like... people will just like the cogs and that's okay and it doesn't make you bad. let's all be friends okay? both sides may be going at each other's necks in-game and the cogs in fact do horrible things - but it's what makes them fun, and it gives the toons things to do in the game!! but we don't gotta !!!!!!!! i may be really sarcastic and sometimes mean in private but like that's me just privately sassing, deep down i think people should just... y'know..? enjoy things.
so yea that's the guzma / cathal thought of today. toon people cog people both people are all awesome as fuck and you keep doing what you're doing i love you toontown isn't toontown without you
#anyways omg god forbid ppl are cog kissers on the robot kissing website /silly#but like!! tt/r may not be for everyone and tt/cc may not be for everyone and THATS OK!! ur not gonna like everything!!#like i accepted tt/r isnt for me but its mostly bc they dont show cog health specifically and i struggle with these things but !! i#heard they are updating that so i might be able to play without getting bored / frustrated again ^^ i havent played properly in yeaaaars#i will still prefer clash bc fixation and?? i LIKE ROBOBTS....!#but tewtow is tewtow its all swag. the least toony thing u can do is bully someone for Liking Robobt. be niceys#like ya i admit im not perfect i also dont like people andhave so much one sided beef and i am sensitive to so many things and i complain#in private but at the end of the day its to make myself feel better and i KNOW to not engage and look away and work on feeling better#bc this stuff does Heehoo upset me bc Mental Health Probulem. but i know everyone should and can do their own thing and have fun#i may complain about (redacted ship) all the time and i dont get it at all but...? bro... just have fun... be free. im not here to stop you#im just not gonna interact as i should. good for both of us! joyous world! happy that ur happy!!!!#why complain abt ppl just Enjoying Cogs like that though................................................ do you not like fun#this is not at anyone specific#my friend did show me tags of a post anonymously#and i vague a person whos name i dont know ingame like A YEAR AGO#and a convo what happened in a server a while back. but its not anyone specific i just wanted to like. speak my thoughts#lets be frense... and if not thats okay lets not argue either then we all stay in our lanes
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not to be a bitch (she said, as she was about to be a bitch) but when The Discourse happens AGAIN and the lokius shippers start going on about how "healthy" that relationship is i'm like... look, there's many reasons to like a pairing, but "IT'S HEALTHY!!" is such a weird one to hang everything on? at least to me. and also, i TOLD you buying that glass house was a bad idea and yes i WILL help you with the repairs, as i agreed when you moved in there, but can you PLEASE stop with all the stone-throwing parties or at least hold them in another venue???/?
#i'm maybe just bitter that the “OMG HEALTHY!!!” fixation has led to the MOST BORING takes on lokius becoming the only acceptable ones#it's right up there with “he did no wrong!!” in the Thanks For Making This Thing Fucking Boring To Me list#“but this relationship is HEALTHIER than loki's relationship with [whoever]!!” you think this man prioritises 'healthy choices' do you???#(and if he does then how can i stop him doing that? asking for a friend who has a very low boredom threshold.)
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listen i know that the star rail girls suffer from "same character design" but i got mildly obsessed with a bit of ruan mei's design because of one particular detail and that is:
it's this particular bit where the DNA strands are joined together by the plum blossom she's named after.
in order for DNA to be replicated, it has to be unwound by a protein called helicase which then allows for the reading of the DNA to create the new strands. I felt like it was fitting that like the plum blossom unraveling the DNA in her design, she's also trying to unravel the truths of the world and get to its essence.
#was it actually intentional? who knows! but i do like the thought alskdjfahl#like idk#helicase is the first step on DNA replication - it unwinds/unzips the DNA so that another protein can read each nucleotide and produce a ne#strand#in a similar fashion ruan mei does the same trying to unravel what makes an aeon or life or etc and tries to reproduce it#utterly fails but YOU KNOW YOU GET THE POINT#anyways i like ruan mei but i think she does the same thing that a certain other scientist does for me#where im holding my head in my hands like mAAM WHAT THE FUCK ARE YOU DOING STOPPPPPP STOP GIRL STOPPPPPPP#snow plays hsr#anyways i finished the first new trailblazer continuance (finally) and i have cats :) weeeeeeee#ruan mei#ngl i wonder just how many geneticist jokes are in ruan mei's design/abilities/etc#i would crunch on them if possible but alskjdfhal i probably shouldnt fixate#hsr#im just tagging these two for myself but its fine
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More 5M(+P) doodle dumping
#5miinust#stop saying things like OMG DO PEOPLE DO FANART OF THEM its already as embarrassing as it is#I don’t pick my fixations
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How its been going if I'm being quite honest
#Sorry this is ooc it's just how I'm feeling#My brain went 'oh? You're in the middle of the worst week of your life? Here's a random character to fixate on until things calm down 👍'#I'm back at the apartment btw#Severe thunderstorms here so they kept us in the air for an extra hour#But yeah I'm sorry I've been inactive and not chatty lately. Just going through a lot right now and it's taking its toll#I'm doing what I can just to keep myself from falling to pieces#On the brightside the paper work went through so she will be seeing the specialists on Monday if all goes well#On the downside I just can't stop crying#I can barely walk as soon as I got in I just collapsed#I barely slept all weekend#This is the first shower I'm taking since Thursday night#Haven't brushed my teeth either#I know I smell like shit I just couldn't be bothered#My hair was matted to my head#I felt bad for everyone at the airport but I just couldn't bear to be away from her longer than absolutely necessary#Cruddy rambles
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HUGE VENT
I'm sorry but i need to get this out, just please don't worry too much or take anything personally/gen
My routine these last two weeeks has been:
-Wake up at my 10 am alarm and spend the whole day in bed, mentally and physically exhausted, brain fog and no motivation for anything, only getting up to eat, having to wait for the "food time" hours to roll around that my therapist gave me because I'm not allowed to eat outside of those hours and if I'm hungry but missed the last food time then too bad, struggling to stay awake because again I'm not allowed to sleep out of the "sleep hours" she gave me and that includes naps, excitedly waiting for 21h30/22h to roll around so i can finally sleep
-Spend the evening mentally screaming in my mind because, while my body is still just as physically exhausted, my mind is suddenly sharp and full of ideas and motivation, but i'm still too tired to get up and draw
-Then spend midnight and onward rolling around in bed, hot and bored out of my mind because my physical tiredness also vanished, but i'm not allowed to get up and draw because it's "sleep hours" and i need to reschedule my body, and end up falling asleep at around 5 am
I'm totally not slowly loosing my mind 😃👍
Edit: Oh also the constant noise in my ears has gotten worse, i don't know what silence is anymore
Silence is actually worse than loud rooms
It's driving me insane
It's so loud
#literaly so mentally exhausted to the point that i forgot to ask a bunch of really important stuff and tests at my last gyneco appointement#i can't remember which med I'm supposed to take at a specific hour and which one is whenever. so i just take them both at the same time#i can't remember if i have still boxes of meds in advance and which one i need to go refill#because they're stuff i need to constantly take and not suddenly stop with#but i keep forgetting to check#and i can't remember where i put the prescriptions anyway#and which one are the right one and which one are old#I'm so tired#and I'm so tired of being tired#and I'm SO so so tired of constantly fighting to have my health and struggles acknowledge#i kinda just gave up and now i'm just mindlessly sitting there at the appointments for only 10 minutes being being told that i can leave#I've just been run in circles for way too long#and i get aggresively criticised every time i use advice and seek for help on the Internet. by the same doctors who don't give me ANY advic#or help#and my head has been pounding for two days#and my verbal ticks have gotten so bad that it genuinely gets hard to breathe sometimes#with a therapist that just made me talk in circles and lowkey criticised me for two hours#(this was our first real therapy meeting and they're supposed to only be 1 hour and are NOT reimbursed because the autism center will NOT#fucking answer to ANYONE. medical professional or not. so i had to go private 😃👍)#and the only thing she gave me at the end of those 2 hours was this schedule that I'm not allowed to bend#I've been trying to daydream about my AUs and develope them as usual to try to feel better#but now that i have time to draw. i just get more and more drawing ideas that keep pilling up and tear me apart from the inside because i#can't draw any of them thanks to this damn fatigue#i literally only did 1 af revenge and still need to do 3 more. and i genuinely don't know if I'll manage to do that#i told two friends that ill draw something for them. but nothing. because too tired and everything keeps slipping from my mind#i will daydream about Dimentio for hours straight. then forget that i did. and panic that the fixation is slipping because i “haven't#thought about him in a while“. ”a while“ was 40 seconds ago. I'm not exaggerating this keeps happening#i also keep spending the night DRENCHED in sweat because i just can't sleep without my blanket on me anymore. so more struggles#vent#negative
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Coughs. Afternoon yall
#trips while standing completely still and falls on my face#i have got to stop drawing things i can't post. i haven't posted for so long. UGHHHHH#i do need to do work still also but like whatever#hope yallre well. i feel like another cereal fixation is happening to me rn i don't wanna eat anything else LOL#txt
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I hate when I get into these phases when once I process through one thing causing me anxiety there's another thing right behind it
#we've moved on to ye olde ''what if i have repressed memories and horrible things have happened that I don't remember''#which...#like...#to some degree you have to go with a schrodinger answer. like... it's inherently not true#but the weird part is that I have weird anxiety when I think about certain family members bc of this#but when I'm actually around them it's no more uncomfortable than any family member you're not around often#so I'm like OH NO WHAT IF SAID FAMILY MEMBER WHO I HAVEN'T SEEN IN YEARS DID SOMETHING TO ME#BUT I REPRESSED IT#and like... a what if is just a what if. do I believe it? no. do I fixate on it and get wildly afraid? sometimes#also it's not even consistent sometimes I'm like ah yes family member I haven't seen in ages I wonder what he's up to#and then other times it's like I'VE HEARD SO MANY STORIES OF FAMILY MEMBERS RAPING THEIR NIECES AND STUFF#WHAT IF THAT HAPPENED TO ME#actually I feel like watching law and order SVU made a lot of these anxieties worse like that's part of why I stopped watching it#bc it exacerbates a lot of anxiety my mind tries to throw at me#anyway I do not actually think any family member has done anything and I don't actually believe I have repressed memories#or else I would have probably brought it up to my parents. I'm still like ''ooogh anxiety monster what if?'' about it tho#which is why we have philippians 4:8!! is is true? categorically due to being a ''what if'' anxiety — nope!! okiedoke moving on#k I just needed to talk through this I'm done now#*I'm barely any more uncomfortable than with any family member I haven't seen in a long time#(tbf I'm generally less comfortable with my dad's family bc 1) no female relatives other than grandma and 2) I see them way less often)
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L'Lapin déchu
Akihiko in the style of Cabanel’s L’Ange déchu has been in the back of my mind for so long and i fianlly did it :’)
#junjou romantica#Akihiko Usami#usami akihiko#happy birthday usagi ily#i dappled with the idea of making all the angels misaki#but i feel this is better as a representation of usagi before misaki's influence so they're all suzuki-san#i put this idea off for a long time because im not a painter lol#as soon as i stopped fretting over that fact and just decided to do my own thing it was fun#sorry i've been mia i was fixated on other stuff!#art
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I'm dedicating this post to update how much of my book I've written because while my internal locus of control has been popping off lately, I could also benefit from external motivation.
As of rn, I am on pg 169 (nice)/ chapter 35. I've been working on it for over a year so this isn't a nanowrimo thing though I wanted to do that but forgot like a GIT. But it sort of also is nanowrimo because I've been writing everyday for November so 🤷🏻
Update 11.25.23: pg175 almost done with part 1/3 and oh god I don't want to say goodbye to my blorbos 🥹
#book writing#nanowrimo#I'm trying to finish it by christmas which is in 30 days and that's irrational I know but I'm irrational#I am going to make my delusions a reality wahoo!#I'm going to do bad things to my characters and not a soul can stop me 😃#If I write 8 pgs a day I can write 240 by christmas day if I don't stop to breath#this is almost easy for me because I don't have a social life so I can just hyperfixate#oh wait no I'm doing the hyperfixation thing again noo#usually my fixations last about a week or two so if I last more then two weeks we know I'm actually just losing it#🫠🥹🕺💃🕺💃🤧🤧🤠#I do not have an outline! Yayyy!#can i get a wahoo#CAN I GET A YEEHAW
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Still searching for the fic where Akutagawa's mouth is described as tasting of blood
#It was literally my first sskk post on here.#And I know it's a dumb thing to fixate on but it's also not?#It's a good way to express the tragedy of Akutagawa's character–#how even something as sweet and immaculate as a kiss gets corrupted by the metallic taste of blood.#And it's not because of fight‚ but because of his illness– that's another apparently indifferent detail I'm really set on#because to have blood in his mouth because of a fight is something changing and transitory;#his illness on the other hand is something that is perpetually with him‚ a tragic constant reminder of death that fits Akutagawa oh so much#Not to mention he can chose to stop fighting (and he did. well. Kind of)‚ but he can't do anything to stop his illness.#It's just another fitting metaphor of his tragic and doomed fate#Anyways. How are you doing peoples ❤️#ryūnosuke akutagawa#sskk#shin soukoku#bsd#bungou stray dogs#mine#q.#05/10/22
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thinkign about my f/os helping me deal w my disorders n stuff makes me feel better.... my brain tries to shut me down sometimes and be like "Thats stupid" but Who Cares .
there's some thjngs it can't help, no matter how much i want to i still can't speak properly in public or even at all to strangers, but just imagining my f/os are near me & talking / helping me through my avpd has made me go from having anixety attacks just standing in my backyard to being able to go inside grocery stores and actually shop even while crowded like.... that is so awesome sauce...
i never in my life though i'd be able to do that again, for a time i didn't think i'd ever be able to go outside at all again, but selfshipping is awesome and i am mentally ill and i think the former is very helpful & epic when you're the latter but that might just be mmy pov though
#frowns this got longerthen i wanted#oh well#i love my partners sooo much &they klove me and it makes me happy#Also my stomach still hurts sooo bad help i fear im dying#also i . i hope no one has noticed like... a decline in formality(?)#i feel like i've stopped caring or paying attention to my spelling and grammar on here and it makes me embarrassed#i feel like since im older now i shouldn't be posting or texting like a child but idirjjrie idk.#i like not caring too much abt how i type or whst im saying.... normally im so fixated on whether im saying or doing the wrong thing#and tryig to figure out if my friend will hate me if i say xyz or abc or literally anythjng and . its nice to be able to go mindless and#just say whatever i want#i think this goes hand in hand w me starting to use this as like a ''personal diary'' / blog or something lol
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