#stop being mean to me. im doing everything i can. i've been beating myself up over everything for the past 13 years.

[forgotten-daydreamer]

how do you call it when you're so angry that you start to panic

[catmask]

Been meaning to catch more of your streams because they're so fun and relaxing and inspire me to do art alongside you! but I have a question?? How on earth have you managed to keep a streaming schedule? (kudos!!!!) I've tried it a few times and after about a month of consistency I get so tired and drop off of it, do you get guilt about rescheduling? (saw some announcement from the other day and it was so communicative and professional) and, how do you measure your own levels of energy to know how long you can stream for? Some people are just Built Different but I don't hear it often talked about how being social like that can drain people, especially when popular streamers in this era are usually streaming all day every single day of the week! Honestly love your work and everything you do, from what you share we seem to have a lot of similar tastes and experiences so I was just curious if this was something you encountered, and if so would love to hear any routines or strategies you have, if you're comfortable doing so! :3

for one thing, this isnt my first time around the bend! i used to stream about four years ago to a much smaller audience, and i feel like that gave me a lot of experience that was useful now as a streamer. i was also still in college/working full time then, so it sort of gave me the like... 'if i stop now im going to sink and die like a shark' mentality about a LOT of my hobbies. art and streaming both.

i do fully understand the feeling of burnout, and with anything you do its important to develop a gage as to how tired you are to determine whether or not you need to reschedule. killling your momentum of doing something can often result in dropping the habit altogether, but at the same time you are a human being with needs so theres gonna be some days you have to just call it off.

my internal 'system' for sickdays/delays is 'if i cant fix the problem in an hour, its a sick day, and if i can its a delay. if i can fix the problem in ten minutes and im avoiding it, then i need to remember im gonna have a lot of fun after its fixed and get up off my ass'

sometimes that 'problem' was as simple as 'i got yelled at at work today and idk if i can handle being smiley and funny for people when i feel like shit', but reminding myself that i always felt better after i streamed was often enough to pull me out of that. if the problem was i was tired/felt like shit, id take a delay and prepare a dinner, shower, and sit down for a bit. then id generally feel okay enough and streaming was no problem!

its easy to beat yourself up for not maintaining a consistent schedule fr streaming when you start out, but the thing you should really be asking yourself is - did you take care of yourself, the streamer, so that consistency was possible? good food, good sleep, and alone time to relax are imperative to any public facing activity, especially something like streaming!

[thetriplets3]

melt - muse a holds muse b’s face gently, drawing circles into their cheeks with their thumbs

with matt its so cute

This is so cute I loved writing this please keep the requests coming <3

❊ delicate ❊

If there’s one word to describe how life has been lately it would be exhausting, in every aspect. I spend half my nights awake, restlessly tossing and turning thinking about the long list of things I need to do. I can’t seem to make the racing thoughts in my head stop.

I've isolated myself from my friends and more importantly, you. I’m trying to do a million things and keep my thoughts under control and not drag anyone down with me. Other than the odd text here and there to you we haven’t talked a lot in a week. I can’t help but feel bad. I don’t do this on purpose and you understand that, having experienced the same thing yourself. You give me space and know that I’ll come to you when I need help or when I’m ready.

Which brings me to now. Knocking on your door, I’m greeted by Nick who welcomes me in with a hug. He tells me that you and Chris have just gone to get groceries and should be back soon.

“I’ll let him find out on his own that you’re here” Nick tells me as he retreats to his room.

I send Nick a smile as I head to the comfort of your room. Simply being in your bed and the smell of your cologne is enough to make me fall asleep with ease for the first time in a while.

Matt’s POV:

Walking into my room I’m met with you sleeping peacefully in my bed. “Oh sweet girl” I coo to myself.

Taking my backpack and hoodie off and placing them on my chair, I carefully climb into bed trying to not wake you. I lie there facing you, happy that you feel safe enough to come to me when you need me. My eyes dance over your delicate features. My heart skips a beat whenever I look at you.

I love your eyes. They remind me of an endless galaxy that I never wanna leave, the way your eyes squint when you’re truly happy, how unknowingly expressive you are, the way everything about you's so perfectly suited, just for you. I can’t wrap my head around what there is that you could dislike about yourself. You’re the most beautiful person that has walked this earth and I can’t believe I get to call you my girlfriend.

Noticing you slowly start to wake up I place my hand gently on your cheek and begin softly rubbing circles into your skin. As your eyes open I can see the emotion and the toll this past week has taken on you. You don’t let this stop you from smiling back at me as your eyes flutter shut, taking in the physical contact you’ve been missing.

“You don’t know how happy I am to see you honey. Are you okay?” I whisper.

“I’m okay now that you’re here. I’m sorry for pushing you away. I don't mean to do it, it just feels easier to deal with it myself and not put it on other people” you whisper, sadness filling your voice.

“You’re not alone in this, I’m here for you, just like you are for me. Do you wanna talk about your week or do you wanna forget about it?” I ask.

“I know, thank you for being so patient with me. I wanna forget about it and just be with you right now. I’ve missed your touch” you say.

I open my arms inviting you in. You rest your head on my chest, tilting it up to look at my horse necklace as you fiddle with it. Wrapping one arm securely around you, knowing it makes you feel safe, the other makes its way back to your cheek. My thumb mindlessly draws circles on your soft skin. The warmth of my touch makes your eyelids flutter as they grow heavy, lulling you into a much needed sleep.

Even when things seem like they're falling apart, he's right there to pick up the pieces.

Taglist (msg me if you wanna be added)

@d0wnt0wnstu4n1ol0 @im-a-matt-girl @iluvmatt @antisocialties @stxrniqlo

[resi4skz]

A little drabble I wrote. I'm not in love with it :/

Pairing: Chan x fem!reader

Title: In Sickness and Health

On my way home from work, I felt my energy slipping and I knew something was wrong because as soon I stepped inside my apartment, I made a beeline for rhe kitchen. I popped 2 pain meds and took a huge gulp of water. Quickly changing into a shirt and shorts, I made myself comfy in my bed. I shoot a quick text to my boyfriend.

Y/N: baby, i dont feel so good. i think im gonna nap

Chan: do you want me to bring you porridge? Meds?

But I couldn't reply as I had fallen asleep while waiting for his message.

Chan: baby?

*Few hours later*

It's hot. It's cold. Why am I shivering? Ugh, why do my eyes feel heavy? I feel something cold on my forehead and it feels nice, refreshing. I try to open my eyes but it hurts. Everything hurts. "Mmmm," is the only sound comes out of me.

"Y/N?"

That voice....."Chan?"

I hear him release a breath of relief. "You gave me a heart attack."

"What's going on?" Jesus, what's wrong with my voice? "Why does everything hurt?"

"That's because you have a fever."

"What?"

"Sleep."

I didn't have the energy to speak so I went back to sleep.

--------------------------------------------------------------

The next time I open my eyes, they open with ease and everything doesn't hurt as much. Slowly sitting up, I glance around. But no sign of him. Wait, did I hallucinate him being here? In need of water, I walk into the kitchen only to be met with a view of the back of a man in front of the stove.

I scream bloody murder, making him jump and turning around. "Y/N! It's me!"

I put a hand over my heart, my heart beating faster than a bicycle. "Jesus!" Once my breathing and heart beat calms down, I suddenly feel dizzy bur he's quick to catch me. "What's wrong with me?"

"Well, considering you've been asleep for two days, this is bound to happen."

"Wait," I blink at his words. "2 days?" How the hell was I asleep for two days? I can't even fall asleep, even if my life depended on it.

He raises his hand and touches my forehead. "Well, your fever seems to be down so that's a good sign. What about other symptoms?"

"Other than starving, I'm good."

He chuckles, and oh, I've missed him. "I'm making porridge, kimbap and stir fried noodles." The moment he mentions the food, my ears perk up. He notices the change in my expression and laughs as he pinches my cheek. "How are you still this adorable even after waking up?"

I pout, rubbing my cheek which makes him laugh even more. "I just wanna," he doesn't finish the sentence, cups my cheeks and steps forward smothering me in kisses all over my face.

"Ah, stop!" I giggle, which turns into laughter. "Channie!"

But he doesn't stop. He keeps smothering me in kisses, not realizing he's walked me back against the kitchen island. "I've missed you."

My cheeks are warm and I feel good. I smile, poking his cheek. "I missed me too."

"Hey!" He protests by pouting.

I giggle, sliding my arms around his back. "Missed you too, big boy."

Smiling, he reaches down and places his lips on mine. The sudden heavy lingering odor goes up my nose as I scrunch it. "Is something burning?"

His face turns into fear and sprints to the stove. "No!" He shouts, his shoulder sagging.

"What happened?!" I asked, walking over to him.

"The porridge."

"Oh no," I say peeking inside the pot. "Baby, it's okay. I can survive on kimbap and noodles."

"But-"

I cup his cheeks, squishing them. "I'll wear your favorite lingerie if you make me the food."

His eyes gets a twinkling shine and his body reacts before I can step back. His hands reach the back of my neck, his mouth breathing on my neck. "Fuck, baby if only you weren't sick, I'd show you how much you really mean to me."

I grip his arms, giggling. "I need a shower first."

"Fuck, you're gonna be the death of me."

Giving him a kiss on the cheek, I walk into the bathroom and immediately turn on the shower. Getting all my good stuff, I take my time slathering and scrubbing my body till it's raw. Once finished, I wrap a towel around me and another around my head. Stepping out and into our shared room, I change into a comfy shirt and shorts before heading to the kitchen.

The table is filled with noodles, kimbap and various other side dishes. "Wha- Channie, this is so much food."

"And?" He says sitting in a chair across from me.

"You do know that I won't be able to eat all of it, right?"

He chuckles. "I know." He fills my plate with a little bit of everything before putting it in front of me. "Eat."

And I do just that. I even go for seconds. When I've finished, I slump in my chair with a hand on my tummy. He snickers and I glare at him. "This is all your fault."

"I didn't do anything?" He says, shrugging his shoulders with a mischievous look in his eyes.

I roll my eyes. And I instantly regret doing that action.

"Did you just roll your eyes at me?"

"No," I replied, slowly getting up from my chair.

"Yes, you did," he says, his eyes on me as I slowly back away, making a run for the room. "Hey! Get back here!"

In a split second, he's after me. I shriek, getting on the bed. For a moment, he stops sprinting and looks at me before lunges for me. But I'm quick to dodge and make a run for the living room. I quickly move behind the couch, giggling. "Hey, Chris. Did you lose your touch or something? You can't even catch m-Hey!" I had forgotten that he was quick and threw me over his shoulders. "Put me down!"

"Nope," he smacks one butt cheek making me gasp.

"Channie, please," I plead, squirming on his shoulders.

"Say sorr-"

"I'm sorry. Please put me down."

"Good girl."

He sets me down but I don't let go of him. With my arms wrapped around his neck, I plant my lips against his catching him off guard but he soons melts into it. I rake my hands through his hair, eliciting a moan from him when he breaks the kiss. "Y/N. What are you doing?"

His voice was low and deep which made me rub my thighs together. "What do you think I'm doing?" I asked, tilting my head as I slide my hand down to his grey sweatpants he was wearing and giving it a little squeeze.

"Fuck," he groans closing his eyes. "Babygirl, you're in no condition to-"

I shut him up with a kiss. "Shut up and take me to bed before I change my mind."

He grins, his dimples popping out. "Yes, ma'am." He then slides his arms under my hips and lifts me up with such ease. "Just so you know, I won't be able to stop myself."

"I never asked you to," I replied, smiling down at him.

That day, he showed me how much he loved me. We came out of the room to eat and drink, only to go back to our room hours later with me on top of him this time. He whispered sweet words in my ears and I indulged him with treating me as he wanted. Halfway through, he flipped me over and I lost count of how many times I went over the edge before he finally reached his peak.

I guess you could say he took care of me in sickness and health. And I was grateful for it.

[snufflepup]

Sorry it took me like forever to send in another ask. I walked my ex home to her house and missed my bus so my mom had to pick me up and she beat my ass and my shoes got so worn that i had holes in them lol. Totally worth it though, cause I got time with her. Honestly I'm torn between still being with her or loving all on you, cause I mean I love her so so much despite how badly she fucked me up. Im pathetic ik, but I also have come to love you just as much :(. Also one word to sum up the southeast, HOT (kinda like you~) and the bugs are crazy. People are pretty shit, I think I live in what's called the 'Bible belt' so that's pretty fucked considering I'm trans and not straight and everyone's a dick. Though there are some good people. While walking my ex to her house, we stopped by a convenience store and tried to buy some monsters with my cashapp but it wouldn't work for whatever reason, and this nice lady at the register bought them for us^^ she was nice and pretty, I couldn't thank her enough. Though most people, especially that I go to school with, would rather beat me up than talk to me about even partner work lol. Cis boys are....not the most accepting of people like me, I've come to find haha. All the girls in my classes are two faced as shit too. I'm glad I'm able to fluster you like that, though I wish I was more...'flirtatiously adept' like milena. I'm not good with people lol. I can talk and carry a conversation, but not very good with it in terms of flow and word choice. I'm in ap lit though, so I mean it's not like I'm not a master with words or something (I actually pride myself in my ability to write despite not thinking really) its just the delivery. Like when you talk to someone you like and just go stupid lol. Idk I'm probably just rambling out of exhaustion, today was a lot for me. But I'm glad I get to come home and talk to my favorite puppy ever!^^ how's your day been? -idk if I asked that earlier or not, I'm tired lol. Ik it's around 2 am for you at the moment, are you eepy? Lol

-ike<3

It's okay ! I know that I am . Less than punctual . at times, it would be rather strange for me to get upset over it when others do the same thing, I think. That sounds pretty eventful ! I've walked so much I did the same things to my shoes, as well !! Nobody belived me, until they actually saw the holes though. I think it's okay to feel like that, but in the end you should do what is best for you in the long run but ! I know it is not always as easy as that ! I was still holding onto hope with one of my ex's for a while after . everything went down so I think I can understand that ! (｡>\\<) aaa !! I think I would simply melt if it was that hot here /dram I think I saw a video once of someone talking about it was so cold they needed a scarf for the tempreture of our hot summers a couple years ago . I was shocked . We have a lot of different types of bugs that are all year round, but I don't think they are as big as some of the ones I've heard about over there which I am thankful for, bugs can really mess with me a lot sometimes ! Bugs where a pretty big fear of mine for a while, other than like . regukar ones, like spiders, flies, lady bugs and stuff, but I think I'm a lot better with all different kinds now !! Though, my Aunt was talking about something that happened with one of he bins and maggots and I got so . fhdghsj /neg about it, Lets just say I declined seeing any pictures for a start . I think there is a good mix around where I am, I don't think there is as much hate for differences here as there is in other places but there are definitely a lot of . use of slurs, or hateful language at times, if that makes sense but I feel like I also see a lot of queer people too, when I go places at least ! Earlier I went to a anime convention this year and there was a lot of people with pride flags, selling queer things and stuff so ! But I don't . really think I could come out propperly right now either, not as transmasc at least, but thats more of my family than where I live I guess . That was really nice of her !!! I'm happy she helped you out ! Do you have a favourite flavour of monster ? I don't get it all the time, but I usually get the white or the pink one when I do !! I tried a purple-ish one once that I really enjoyed, but I haven't been able to find it since because I don't really remember looks like (◞ ⸝⸝ ◟ ) I think so too . They can be really . difficult . a lot of them, from my classes when I was at school, were really not very nice. When Inwas there, I only really talked to people and my friends that I already knew. . . I didn't really get close with others, but we basically atopped talking when I left school a lot earlier than we were supposed too. I think I can be pretty bad at like . all of that stuff . I can be good at just, like, saying things sometimes, though I'm sure it's mostly nothing of value . and even then, sometimes I can be bad at that too !! I try my best though but I'm not a master at all, either ! I think ramballing is nice, so you don't need to worry ^–^ I hope today is not as overwhelming, but still as good ! or, even better !!! Has it been ? (⸝⸝๑﹏๑⸝⸝) ! I think my day was okay yesterday, it had it's ups amd downs ! Today was good though ! I was, I think I was already asleep at that time even though I tried my best not too . How has your day been ?

[chilewithcarnage]

My inability to be verbally articulate has potentially fucked up a job opportunity for me and I can't stop beating myself over it. No amount of practicing can outdo the social anxiety of speaking irl to another person in authority and I know we're supposed to keep doing things that scare us, but I just don't want to exist anymore because everything is expensive and I'm stuck living in an emotionally abusive household in a little nothing town.

im very sorry anon, i know first hand how its like dealing with social anxiety. i've gotten to a point where its not so crippling like when i was younger, but its still there. job interviews as well are majorly nerve wracking too. i see what you mean about the practicing not outdoing it. job interviews might be one of those things were probably never gonna be fully prepared for with steely nerves. but trust that its okay. im not a therapist or speech coach, so i can't give much advice on how to improve on the actual speaking portion. i will try to offer some comforting knowledge as someone who's been rejected after a lot of job interviews; its less likely they didn't go through with you because you stumbled over your words and more because they wanted to find someone with a longer resume that'd be more of an 'asset' to their company.

exist because there's value and beauty for you being here right now. the sum of your life will not be made up of heartache and hardships, trust. i do greatly hope that you can get some help to get out that bad situation though. i hope that you will soon be in a place where you can be comfortable, your needs are met and you're free to live and be loved the way you're meant to be.

[traumasurvivorshelpingsurvivors]

Tw:hallucinations, religious themes, abuse

Seeking: reassurance and advice if any can be given

So, I hallucinate. I feel like bugs are crawling on me and biting me, I hear things such as it sounds a muffled conversation happening in another room while I'm home alone. I see shadow people and animals. Hear footsteps and feel like things are either jumping on my bed or violently shaking it. Along with being touched and feeling like someone is always behind me, about to grab me. And I've desperately tried to rationalize it as I'm a minor im still growing and so is my brain so maybe it's just my brain changing. And my mom is no help she just tells me I'm in tune with the spirit world. Lately all of it has gotten a lot worse like I can't sleep and when hone alone I'll sit frozen with some sort of weapon in hand and just watch the room because I'm so scared even when I know it's not real. And the one friend I trust to talk to about this is religious and they say its demons, and I should pray. I know they mean no harm by it. The problem is that I also used to be religious so it strikes an extra chord of fear and guilt into me when I'm already on edge and feel like I'm losing it, like at that point I'm desperate and about to get extra pious if it would make it stop even if I dont believe in it. I'm just so scared and tired. I feel terribly childish because this has actually made me afraid of the dark again which is really embarrassing at 15. But seeing and feeling things in the dark is so much worse and I lose so much sleep and I'm already often not in a good place mentally due to so many things and the lack of sleep makes everything so much worse. I can't get help because I would have to talk to my mom and tell her why and she already sees me as a hypochondriac so she doesn't take me seriously and she thinks the hallucinations are spirits. And I'm not willing to tell her about my mental state due to my lack of trust for her since she is abusive, or at least I think she is, which is according to anyone I've told about her. Because like I can't bring myself to trust her again. I'm not sure if I can ever forgive her. I've been beaten for simply crying too loudly and I was pretty little at the time maybe 4 or 6. She knocked the qind out of me by throwing i a water bottle at my stomach when I got frustrated with homework and because I had asked for help multiple times to no avail. I was like 9. In more recent events I've been punched for simply standing in the wrong place at the wrong time while she was in a bad mood. She through a glass at my head, missed and now there's a dent in the wall. We got I to an argument about who knows what, but she threatened to beat me with the belt, and I was so stupid for this, but I grabbed a bat and threatened to hurt her if she tried. And that was so stupid because maybe I would have gotten away if I had had just shut up. She took the bat from me beat me across the back with the belt. And I ahet myself so much for this, but when I'm scared I laugh, and I started laughing. And in the past this has benefited me because it weirded her out but this time she got angrier and hit me in the back kf the head with the belt buckle. After she left she kept coming back to try and restart the argument and I didn't react because reacting never helps and usually escalate to a beating. But I got called stuck up and other things and u think eventually I started arguing back and she pinned me to the bed and started punching me repeatedly which left my arm all black for like two weeks. Then she started throwing my candles at me, which are really heavy and bruised up my leg. And another time she nearly backed the truck into me after she yelled at my to get out and for the next month or two threatened to do it again. Then she eventually tried to tell Me it was an accident, but I don't know what to believe because she threatened me. She's just done so many things. I'm sorry if this is too detailed or triggering or anything I just really needed to get it all off my chest.

-Nyx

Hi Nyx,

I'm so sorry to hear about everything you've been experiencing. I wonder if the hallucinations you experience are exacerbated by the abuse you've been suffering and the religious comments that may be enabling them. It definitely sounds like your mom is abusive physically and emotionally and that makes me concerned about your safety and wellbeing. I strongly recommend reaching out to a crisis line such as 741741 or 988 and they can help you get in touch with more appropriate resources from there, whether it's SCR or a shelter. Please also feel free to browse this spreadsheet of alternative crisis resources. If anyone has any other recommendations, please feel free to add on. Otherwise, I hope I could help and please let us know if you need anything.

-Bun

[atinylittlepain]

I finished Deliver Me from Nowhere immediately after you posted the final chapter. I flew through it, furiously, needing to read the ending before I could take everything in. But even as I did I captured so many lines and passages in my head. The final chapter was absolutely stunning. I don’t mean this as any offense to writers on tumblr or fan fics but when I read your work it feels so much bigger, so much more real, profound, beautiful than this platform gets credit for. Or you, really. Your work reads like short stories I read in The New Yorker. It deserves so much more than this.

These words struck something in me…

“This isn’t want, after all. Want isn’t big enough for whatever this is. Something deeper, something threaded in with all the sinew and stretch of bone, ligament, and beating tissue. This is need. Vital and visceral, and so very precarious.”

“Want is a child. But need is an animal. Need is base, bruising, battering. There is no escaping need. There is no lying about need. There is only offering it up, and hoping that someone will see it and decide yes, animal, come here, let me do something about your need, and you can do something about mine.”

“For now, the feeling of her ribs expanding and contracting against his side is all the goodness he could want, or even need. Pain yet to be understood in all the places that her breath catches. But for now, she is looking at him and smiling, and saying something about the sheep that makes him laugh.”

But this. THIS:

“In the kitchen, he would feed her his heart if he could. It’s hers anyways.”

This is everything ^^

- Please don’t ever stop writing. Ever. ❤️

Hi, so, yeah, ive been holding onto this message for two weeks now :')

i fucking love the passages you picked out because they were ones that felt important to me too - really essential viscera of this story

im gonna be so honest for a moment, just between you and me (and the rest of tumbles lol) but i've been seriously questioning my place here on tumbles - full disclosure, i started out here back in january (woof, almost a year ago) in the mindset that what i was writing didn't count as writing for me bc i was writing for the sole purpose of turning out work i thought people would like on here - and they did, and i did that for a long time, got a lot of notes on pretty vapid work etc etc, and even though i wasn't thinking about it as writing, it was a sort of stretching and contracting of musculature that eventually changed and evolved into me writing what i wanted to write.

i think june was the first departure from the canned fics i had been producing to something a little more my style, and a little less desirable to the masses of tumblr lol

the notes got fewer and fewer, but the readership ive had for works like june and deliver me (and even my cannibals, hi, freaks love ya lmao) is so close and lovely and that's been far more rewarding - getting messages from folks that this work has somehow touched them or made them feel seen or just loosened some essential emotion in them enough that they can process it and let it move through them - i love that, and writing these fics has done much the same for me - and (not but, and) and im also having growing pains

i keep coming back to fic bc it's safe and comfortable and i use it as a crutch - stakes are lower when you aren't thinking about querying or publishing or "good enough" - but, again, being honest, the fic thing doesn't feel good any more - it feels like what it is, me trying to fit something that doesn't fit any more, trying to cramp myself into something and expect people to like it when it's simply not what they come to tumblr for

ive been fighting myself on this for a while, slowly inching my way out of fic and into the reality that i want my work to go elsewhere and trying to believe that i have the chops to make that happen - your message is such a buoy and encouragement toward that future

let me make something very clear here, this is my experience, i am by no means shitting on fic writing in general at allllll - people are doing amazing shit on here, no doubt, this is just where i'm at personally with it - ive said it before and ill say it again - writing begets writing, and without all the fic i wrote this year, i know for a veritable fact i would've never gotten my first novel this year either - but i think it's time for a shift for me

all this is to say that i think an era is ending, but i'm so grateful i got it to begin with to have had the chance to share work with folks like you. maybe you'll see me in the new yorker one day :)

[mithliya]

Hi Mena. This is gonna be long. I'm an 18 year old girl and it's been a year since I'm utterly unable to study. I've dedicated my childhood and most of my teen years to studying mostly, to the point where I barely leave the house for any other reason than to go to class and school. My elementary school was especially vicious even though there was no need for me to spend most of my childhood studying to the point where my homework wouldn't end even at night. I was insanely stressed because the amount of homework they gave us was so much that I'd call my friend 6, and yes 6 times a day to make sure I haven't missed any homework. Teachers at elementary would usually take advantage of the quiet students' lack of self confidence and unconditional politeness to be absolutely vile to me and quiet students like me. They'd legit passive aggressively or aggressively lecture me for an hour for something I had no part in and was done by my other, more confident and vocal classmates who'd clap back at the teacher if lectured. Once one of them beat me and my friend up for using the restroom at the same time. No we didn't goof around. We just used the restroom and came back...and she gave us the permission for it!! Students were vicious to each other and even more vicious to me as I couldn't stand up for myself. That's my fault, but anyways. I do not know if I should blame the teachers, but some of them visibly self harmed in our presence and now that I'm older, I realize they had sadistic tendencies too. But I don't think that's their fault. I hope they're doing better now.

Fast forward to high school, the homework was still too much, still had shitty classmates, but at least they didn't attempt to murder me twice. But teachers were excellent! They didn't try to bond with us or have heart to heart talk with us about anything. Didn't try to act like we're their children. Didn't pretend to care about us. Didn't do "tough love" or whatever the fuck that means; they just didn't let anyone disrespect them and that's it. Didn't act like they owed us anything other than teaching. Didnt try to teach about morality or religion. They'd teach, help us with our academic problems, and then just leave. It might sound bad, but I don't care. I loved my teachers for being teachers, for being good at their jobs, not more or less. I'm still in contact with some of them and they are absolutely awesome. I told about my experiences in elementary school to my classmates and they told me to stop midway because it upset them. That was when I understood what I experienced wasn't normal.

In Corona, our online education was basically torture as it lagged 13 times per session, so I had to study on my own. Now the school is finished. I haven't had legitimate education for I suppose two years now, and I'm actually privileged to not be one of the girls in villages who can't and couldn't afford the technology to be connected to the exams at the very least, and had to give up on education. My heart absolutely goes for them, but I'm powerless.

But still. I'm struggling, and I'm tired of hiding it. Being a student was most of my identity. It was and is more important to me than being the daughter of my family, or being a sister to my little sibling. That was my most important identity. Please tell me how I can go back to studying the way I did? Im overwhelmed by bad memories when I try to study and I struggle to breath. I can't stand the sight of books anymore, and I'm being shamed and called lazy for it. I can't enjoy the subjects I used to enjoy. I didn't sacrifice everything that I did to be a jobless woman who will have to rely on a culum who will legally have the right to my body and more than half of my life choices under the law. Actually, my father, despite being very misogynistic on a lot of instances, cared about me enough to have a heart to heart with me and tell me what's up, instead of trying to marry me off and tell me it's safe to rely on men. He was honest with me, he told me as it is, and his biggest fear is me relying on my potential SO, and I'm privileged for it.

Now...how do I get back to studying? Do you have any suggestions? I can't bring up my issues anymore because it's used against me to justify barring women from education, while boys can unashamedly drone about their struggles with school.

your reaction to studying honestly sounds a lot like your former experiences with education deeply traumatised you. bad associations, what sounds like panic attacks, being flooded with negative memories… that’s either trauma or anxiety rooted in trauma. if seeking a therapist to help break these associations and instead associate positive things with studying is not a possibility for you, then i guess you’d have to break that association yourself. the way i’d suggest doing that is to break it down to very small steps. if you can’t stand the smell of books, would you be able to stand the smell of certain books or some papers or sth else? or perhaps have books around you (the kind u can smell) & do something positive & that u enjoy while smelling the scent of the books. this’ll at least help you not associate the smell of books with something deeply negative. the same can be said for other aspects, like if studying itself is automatically associated with negative memories for u is it possible to perhaps break down studying into very small sections, ensure you do it in a happy + safe environment and reward yourself before, after, & in between the study session? while doing these things, it also helps to write yourself notes about how it felt, if negative think of how you could think of the situation differently or feel better about the situation. if positive, make note of that too bc it’s good to show urself that its nothing too bad nor out of reach. basically i’m suggesting that u try to condition urself into associating studying with positive things rather than the very negative experiences you’ve had. it’s hard to do it on ur own, but it’s possible. trying to be consistent with this pattern and with the positive things you make the situation better with can help. besides that, practicing mindfulness around it can help. for example just dedicating some time to focusing on a book (look at it, hear the sounds it produces when u flip it and such, smell it, feel it… can’t taste it for obv reasons). while that sounds boring & dumb it can perhaps make u also associate book smells less with negative things.

those are the tips i’ve got off the top of my head but honestly it’s probably easier to find a therapist who perhaps specialises in therapy against phobias (such as exposure therapy) bc they generally can figure out how to break it down into smaller steps (better than i can at least dhdhshs). if thats possible id advise that above u trying to do it alone (requires a lot of discipline which i personally do not have & strength too). idk if that helps and i cant think of any other tips so if anyone has better advice.. pls feel free to help here 😭

[jdopes-recorder]

okay you sappy ass hoes

You made me tear up fuck you

@njmweb

Im kinda shit at this but I'll try. You're one of the closest friends I've had and i can't begin to tell you how much the friends I found in the three mean to me. I never thought I'd actually find people I can be myself with and not worry about being embarrassed. You guys are just as bad. I love how supportive you are and you're just always there to talk to and talk with. With the stuff only you know was happening...you've helped me last year more than you know. It felt so good to have someone actually care and be open with me. I loved when we played roblox just to beat little kids up the entire summer and you bashed on my ice cream and bourn vita (fuck you). Every single thing you've given me (except the flower I'm so sorry it died and i didn't have a book to put it in :D), every random drawing, I have them all and im definitely gonna treasure it my whole life. You are such a copycat sometimes smh (stop listening to the same random artists it's so weird when that happens yeesh). I learned so much stupid shit from you and i love your cat memes and jellyfish. I've picked up little mannerisms of yours since I've been stuck with you for two years, and i randomly realise how I never used to do something that I do now before I met you. Thank you for being you.

@kiew-ie

wait what when'd you get a new profile 😭😭

You fkn cutie. You've been next to me (almost) everyday the last year and it's always so weird when you're absent i just sit there like 🧍‍♀️I love listening to you talk about mlp Or some other cute shit I don't know anything about. I love how we both sound like we've had helium when we're excited. When we doodle in our books and talk about any topic when we're supposed to be studying? We're stupid but i love it. I srsly love your hair and I've told you that before but idk I don't think you believed me, but I get that. Thank you for always letting me sag on your shoulder when I feel too lazy (most of the time tbh). You're so fun to be around and I've loved every minute. I love listening to you rant and even though I never know what to say, I'm always so touched that you trust me enough to tell me shit. I love you and your obsession with pink stuff <3

k well we don't have ells acc cuz she's stubborn af, but I just wanted to tell you guys that even though I never say anything or act like it, you all mean more to me than you know. I never would have ever imagined what would have happened with me just asking dhri what music she listened to. If nana didn't overhear us talking about that, if ells didn't come with leo. It crazy to me how life works. You guys gave me that happiness and peace I had been craving for years. You know how my last friend group was and how toxic it was. I never had true friends and didn't have to be on guard. I can let go of all of that with you guys, because I know you don't care and even do the same (idiots). I don't wanna lose what we have and it scares the shit out of me that we aren't gonna be together and we're gonna leave everything we've known in less than 2 months. I finally got real happiness and I don't wanna lose that again. But you know, like how I never would have seen this coming, I have no idea what will be coming for all of us. This shit is crazy. I never would have imagined you guys would be my best friends. Even though I know we'll all have our own lives and get other friends too, I know I'll never forget you guys. When I look back to mt childhood, you guys will always stand out. Thank you for everything. I guess I'm better at writing about the things I think about instead of telling it to your faces.

Don't being this up tmr, I will self combust.

being madly in love with someone platonically is so ridiculous. hey man i think about you all the time. i wish you were here right now. talking to you makes me indescribably happy. i miss you. honestly what the hell

[undegroupie]

i feel so trapped, I've been helping everyone in my life the last year, taking care of everyone and everything, being a housewife while im just a daughter, listening to every problem anyone had, trying to shut up to put off even a little of weight off their shoulder, suck in up my own feelings if they wanted to take it on me.

And i think the time when I need some help has come, for the first time i feel like if im not going to be hold I can't do anything. Now that i need it, I can't relay on anyone, they just expect to hold them when I can't even stay in one piece. I can't take all the weight anymore, I don't want more responsibilitys.

Why did i had to step up when i was young, why did i had to sacrifice my own life, my whole life, to them, i got nothing in exchange but madness.

It's so nice seeing others choosing to help, having the opportunity to do what they really want. It's almost nostalgic to see how other people are, how they grew up, with who, how much they are love and cared for. And I can only stand there, wondering how good could I have been if i had the opposite, if i didn't burn out so early, if the people around me protected me.

It's the most frustrating thing to have a brain, to have the education, to know how to do things, to know how to get there, but I can't do it, I can't no longer function. I still have hopes that one day im going to do it, im going to beat myself and get the desired peace I've been searching for all my life. but im so far away, I cant even see a little star, i can't even think of that and not feel it like a fever dream, i can't think of getting it in this life.

maybe im just fighting a battle I lost long time ago

maybe in another life, with another parents, and another place, another body, another brain, another heart, i can do it, but I don't think i can in this life.

but i love being alive so much, i love every little thing in this world, i enjoy so much being alive even when im not ok, i really like to see the sky and the sea, i love living in a coast city, i love the stars and the trees, and every animal even if im afraid, i love my friends and my classmates, i love my family even if they don't like me, i love walking and swimming and i only love summer bc i can swim in the ocean as long as i want and then i can dry myself in the sun, i love traveling bc i can meet new people and things but i also love staying bc i have everything I love here, and even in the monotony i can discover new things everyday. i love car rides bc they never stop but i also love bus rides bc it's the same route every time and still you see new things everyday, i also love riding my bike. I love baking, feed my friends and family, make cute things or new things. I love my siblings, sometimes i don't like being the oldest one but sometimes im grateful bc it means it's me who suffers this and not them. I love books and music, beer and cigarettes, party, walking, running, cat and dogs, making cute outfits and feel pretty in the day, doing my make up and seeing the wind dance with the clothes i just washed, there's so much things i love i can't ever stop counting

the only thing i hate is loving everything so much, enjoying my life even if it's crap, I could leave easily if i hate this, but im so in love and so curious, i feel like I've lived 10 lives but i know i just lived 20 years, im afraid of what comes next, and most likely not prepared but I don't know if i could ever give up

[away-ward]

Hey, a genuine question. Why do you guys think michael and kai didnt care for emory? Because we saw them being protective of alex but not emory? I feel like both of them did care a lot for emory though, otherwise, they wouldnt have taken the jail sentence for beating up her brother (especially when that record stays in paper), and they wouldve treated her like any other side-hoes in this series. i feel like they just didnt know how exactly to approach emmy by the end of nightfall after all that revelation, orgies, marriage etc., because shes been gone away from thunder bay and them longer than she had been in their lives, so to treat someone who did not only had jailed them (even for valid reasons), but was never their friend like alex, or to show emmy even more intimacy than alex who had supported them through so many things, is a bit much, no?

Changes will take a while for michael, kai and emmy, unfortunately, but i dont think it's not understandable, given the context of the situation. + Alex's rika's bff, and theyve all been having orgies here and there. Banks kinda like alex too, so that means kai kinda likes her. Tbh, I wished pd had obliterated everything that is alex-related in this series, but i can see why kai and michael were closer to alex than they were to emory, even if i hated her whole arc in this series, especially in conclave in nightfall. Thank god we didnt see her as much in firenight.

Other than that, I think even emory admitted that alex was more of a friend to will and the horsemen than she ever was because she kept on rejecting them (in a way?) and their way of having fun. This was emmys one of many roots of jealousy but its not like anyone's stopping her from going back to thunder bay and confessed to them earlier and try to reconnect with those guys? Whats stopping her? And she admitted it took her long to admit to want to be part of that too because of legit and valid reasons. Just as much as will never reached out to emmy, she never did either. We understood that she was going through a lot, but hey, the world doesnt stop the horsemen from having other friends or hookups, just because emory was not part of it, no? Idk. I hate alex's everything in this series, but i dont think her presence in the ending was unreasonable or out of place.

My unwarranted and honest thoughts about willemmy and nightfall in general though:

Tbh, emmy was better than me, because if i was her, i wouldve gone back to san fransisco, love and heal myself, then find some other men to date around with. No way in hell am i going back to will grayson, but again thats just me. I just cannot ever imagine being in her place and kept on being reminded of how much this man who "loves me, reaches out to me" kept on hooking up with everybody, and even their past hookups moans his name in front of me and the. talks about her bed not being cold anymore (insinuating that will nd alex hookup right after) and her escapade with my man in the pool in front of everybody, and then still emmy goes "oh yea, i'll still be with will". Not to mention emmy was kidnapped because aydin was jealous of fucking will? And he took her on dates here and there? Even had scenes of them bonding but not his bonding with emmy? What the fuck? Emmy was so better than me because if i was in that train, i wouldve slap alex and will to death, idc. Alex doesnt deserve emmy as her friend, and will doesnt deserve emmy as his lover.

Emory Scott deserves better. Emory did not girlboss her way out of her abusive relationship with her brother and that horrible town only for her to end up with useless will grayson. I guess, if thats what she wants, good for her, but as her supporter, god, i wished she chose a different life for herself. Sorry, i love emory scott, but i'll never agree with her love for and her choosing of will grayson, because he is soooo nothing!? 😭 idk, im just a will grayson hater ok, he is the blandest character i've ever get to read, right after michael crist, and winter ashby, because the first one got to be michael and kai. Rika and dmaon were annoying as fuck, but at least they were doing their annoying shit everywhere, I feel like the most top two star review of nightfall on amazon by a user called nia (you can check it out through the app or the website on the amazon page), exactly describe why will was so fucking unlikeable and undesirable in nightfall for me. By the end of the series, i was so done with him and everyone, especially rika, michael, damon and alex in that order, that i just felt like i never want to see these characters anywhere or any books by pd ever again. This series was such an unnecessarily exhausting read!!! And It wasnt the good kind of exhaustion. The MMC, Will, was dissapointing, idk if this was discussed here before, but he was so similar with corrupt michael, i just had to stop several times while reading from wanting this book because of this tupod michael-will cross over. I hate them 😭 but thats the thing, i hate damon even more, idkkkkkkkk 😭 my hate list of this series in this order (putting aside other characters thats not main): Martin, Damon, Michael, Will, Alex, Aydin.

What about you, do you have a hate list too?

Hey. I assume this is a response to this post by @pro-logue-epi-logue. .

I will say that I don’t always 100% agree with everything I reblog from other people. Sometimes if I agree with a certain part or just want to show support. In this case, I shared the same sentiment that the Chosen/Found Family aspect of the story could have been better.

If you want to know what @pro-logue-epi-logue meant when they wrote that post, you'll have to ask them. But I can talk about my opinion.

Edit: one thing I did forget to say that I wanted to mention is that there isn't anything in my response is fact or canon. I think, like most of us, that what's being discussed is all interpretations of canon events and the characters. I'm also not trying to persuade anyone to my opinions, as I don't think even I can, or ever have in the past.

Anyway, carry on.

Why do you guys think michael and kai didnt care for emory?

I can’t speak about anyone else’s reasoning, but for me, it’s not that I don’t think that Michael and Kai dislike Emory. What I wanted was for stronger evidence of their bond, since we’re supposed to believe that they are to become a family unit. After they get off the train, though, we only see Michael interact with Emory once. Farther, in Fire Night, I felt that Kai’s interaction with Emory was… chilly, especially when compared with the much warmer interaction that immediately followed between Kai and Winter. This is just my opinion, however, and I’ve spoken with other fans who have felt differently.

I don’t believe that Michael and Kai dislike Emory. I just don’t have enough information to understand their friendships or bonds, which is lousy since I really want to. I think Michael and Kai are both supposed to love Emory. We just don’t get the opportunity to see it.

Because we saw them being protective of alex but not emory?

It has nothing to do with how they treated Alex over Emory. My opinions about the bond Emory would share with any in the group are completely separate from Alex.

otherwise, they wouldnt have taken the jail sentence for beating up her brother (especially when that record stays in paper), and they wouldve treated her like any other side-hoes in this series.

I completely disagree with this idea because I don’t think it had anything to do with Emory. They are loyal to Will.

If Damon wanted to do something for Emory, he had all the proof and opportunity to do so. He didn’t. He was only there because Will wanted to be.

Kai wasn’t completely on-board until he saw Martin preying on an underage girl. After that, it became enough for him to make a move. He made the connection to Emory, but Emory wasn’t his motivation, either. Will was.

Neither of them would have been there if it wasn’t Will who suggested it. And Will wasn’t there for Emory either. He was there for himself, because he was angry. If he were thinking solely about Emory, he wouldn’t have put her at risk by targeting her abuser, who still had access to her through her grandmother.

Now, I don’t expect 19-year-old Will to be thinking all those steps ahead, but I also don’t believe his attacking Martin was for Emory. It was for him. And he suffered the consequences of it.

My opinion is that, in high school, Kai and Michael were mostly indifferent to Emory. They liked her well enough, because Will liked her, but other than that, she wasn’t on their radar. Damon disliked Emory because Will liked her so much. He understood her better when he saw the bruises, but that didn’t change his thinking that Emory was a potential threat to Will’s happiness.

i feel like they just didnt know how exactly to approach emmy by the end of nightfall after all that revelation, orgies, marriage etc., because shes been gone away from thunder bay and them longer than she had been in their lives

It's fine if, at the end of the events in Nightfall, they’re all still getting to know each other. Emory was difficult to know before she left. My problem is that Nightfall has an epilogue that's set 10 years after those events, as does Fire Night, and I still have no idea how Michael and Emory talk to each other, forget how they care for each other. And I have no other scene of Kai and Emory after the one of the train other than the one in Fire Night to get an idea of how they interact.

The problem lies with me. I had expectations of what a Chosen Family would look like and I found the ending to be lacking for a lot of the characters, but especially for Emory.

so to treat someone who did not only had jailed them (even for valid reasons), but was never their friend like alex, or to show emmy even more intimacy than alex who had supported them through so many things, is a bit much, no?

Again, I disagree that Emory was the one who put them in prison, and that might be the reason I struggle so much to like Kai and Michael after that.

They have every right to be mad. I just wish they had directed their anger to a more reasonable target, like Martin.

I’m still not sure how anyone could hear Emory’s story about how she dropped everything she had in San Francisco to fly back to Thunder Bay overnight in an attempt to vindicate Will, only to be physically beaten and threatened with her grandmother’s death, unless she lies on a piece of paper, and think, “She’s the monster here.”

To me, any reasonable person would immediately hate Martin and let Emory off the hook. She clearly suffered enough already.

So yeah, I didn’t agree with their response to Emory, but I understood their anger. My opinion is that it was misdirected, and that's my problem. Even if they were to direct their anger towards Martin, it still doesn't mean they had to like Emory.

I didn’t want them to treat her like of their own. Those bonds take time, and she hadn’t made any kind of dedication to Will at that point, but a little bit of reasonableness and understanding would have been nice. I can’t believe we have to look to Damon in that scene to find it.

Alex's rika's bff, and theyve all been having orgies here and there. Banks kinda like alex too, so that means kai kinda likes her. but i can see why kai and michael were closer to alex than they were to emory,

There’s no denying that Alex had earned her place in that crew. She’d bent over backwards to answer their needs for years before Nightfall. I’ve never believed Emory needed to replace Alex in their eyes. For me, it was never about Michael and Kai or any of the others immediately loving Emory to the same degree that they cared for Alex. That would have been just as weird to me, for the same reasons you mentioned. They don’t know her; they don’t have a reason to trust her. Not yet.

10 years later should be a different story, however.

This was emmys one of many roots of jealousy but its not like anyone's stopping her from going back to thunder bay and confessed to them earlier and try to reconnect with those guys? Whats stopping her?

Martin.

Her pride

The fact that she thinks Will is going to hate her and want revenge, and she still has her grandmother to care for. Remember, her grandmother only died 6 months before the events of Nightfall. That’s nine years she’s been caring for her every single day. She didn’t have the time to deal with Will.

She’s scared to face him.

the world doesnt stop the horsemen from having other friends or hookups, just because emory was not part of it, no? Idk. I hate alex's everything in this series, but i dont think her presence in the ending was unreasonable or out of place.

I think there’s a bit of a misunderstanding where I and Alex am concerned. See, I don’t dislike Alex because of the actions she takes in the books. I don’t mind messy characters who do things that I would never in a million years do. Sometimes, those characters are even more interesting because their story can be exciting.

For me, Alex is a boring, underdeveloped, inconsistent character. I really don’t care that the Horsemen value her. They absolutely should if we’re only looking at what she did for them.

I don’t care that she and Will had a sexual relationship, or friends with benefits, or that they had a close friendship bond. That part makes the most sense to me.

She’s just boring to read about, and that’s mostly why I pick on the things she does. Alex’s role could have been really impact in the end, without changing anything that came before Nightfall, if she’d been used differently. As a reader, you don’t have to like a character to see their purpose. I just felt she was misused in this instance.

I have nothing much to add to your last few paragraphs. I feel that I’ve defended Will Grayson and his relationship with Emory, Alex, and the others so many times before that I would just be repeating myself.

Bottom line, you don’t have to like Will or any of the characters in this series. They’re not all that great. For me, I had a fun time reading, I loved the overall vibe, and I enjoy the way the characters are in my head.

I just wish we got a better understanding of the Family over… whatever it is that we got in the end. Why do they even have enemies? All they’re supposedly doing is running their little corner of the world. And if we’re to believe Rika, “they’re not really criminals.” If that’s the case, then what are you doing??? And why do you have a secret society dungeon? And why does Banks never have a reason to talk to Michael after 10 years? What kind of "family" is this?

I need answers!!

Sorry, forgot to address your second question

I don't really have like a hate list. I mean, of course I don't like Martin or Gabriel, but I liked them as villains. They were decently written characters. And that's the way I like to judge whether it's a "good" character. If you were meant to hate them and you do, that's a well written character. If you were meant to love them and you don't, it's good to look at why.

And I'd never want to meet any of these characters in real life.

I guess I'd have to rate them based on the enjoyment I get from reading them, so to reverse that would be...

Winter, because I find her bland.

Alex, because her character annoys me.

Kai and Michael are currently tied, but I think it's because I was so disappointed in Kai that it hurts more to read from him whereas I don't really care for Michael.

Rika...

I think that's it. I could tolerate or found something interesting about the rest.

-KO

[og-danny-dorito]

Would it be possible to request a hc of ghost who’s fwb with reader and he catches feelings like how he’d go abt that👀

hello!! sorry about the late response, but of course!! this is. VERY badly written and i ended up getting carried away and making it kind of like a fic so please be warned. i've hit a writing block recently so that's why it sucks 🚶

[ Ghost Catching Feelings For His "Friend With Benefits" ]

TW: mentions of sexual content. minors do not interact. small text included in post (warning for my visually impaired readers).

The relationship you and ghost have is very uhh... complicated. To say the least.

its not like no one's heard of the "friends with benefits" situation at some point in their lives, but he never really thought he'd be involved in something like that

it's even more of a shocker when he starts noticing that he wants a little more than the body that he's learned like the back of his hand

to be more specific, he wants your company. and regardless of whatever logical train of thought might go on in anyone else's head, to him that's a problem

ghost is very task oriented. when he starts to realize that he's developing feelings for you, he's going to do everything in his power to stop it

which means he's going to start avoiding you (rip)

usually he sticks around for a little bit after your little "meetups" are done, but ya'll start going back to square one with him just disappearing after he's done cleaning you up

the meetings start dwindling down in frequency and, eventually, to zero

it hurts your feelings, of course, but you know him well enough to know that he's not very confrontational when it comes to emotions and he's either lost interest in you or wants to stop for some other unknown reason

you won't pressure him to speak, but the fact that he doesn't even have the balls to tell you to your face pisses you off enough that you end up coming to his quarters one day after you get back from a mission

your blood is already boiling hot from the adrenaline of almost having you and 5 of your comrade's blown to bits, the fuel of not being able to take your energy out in the "usual" means fueling you enough to go banging on his door at an ungodly hour of the morning

only you didn't actually expect the door to swing open and reveal the very man you were only half searching for. and it doesn't look like he expected you either.

there's a long beat of silence where it doesn't really look like either of you know what to say, but you eventually speak up after searching his eyes for any sort emotion to go off of.

"Where the fuck have you been these past few weeks?!"

his stunned silence gives you plenty of room to rant at him about how upset you are that he ghosted you (pun fully intended im hilarious i know), not knowing what's been up with him and how HORRIBLE his communication skills are, how he didn't even have the balls to say that he didn't find you attractive anymore-

but you can barely get the rest of the words out before he pulls you into his room with a clean swoop and shuts the door behind him, throwing you off your balance enough to fall onto his cot with a guttural "hough!"

but you only have enough time to get your bearings before he sends you that look

yes, that look. like he's waiting for you to be ready to listen to what he has to say, arms folded against his chest as he stands in front of the door like he's guarding it

and after enough of a pause of silence for you to catch your breath and give him enough of an irritated but intent stare, he speaks

"I never said I didn't want you anymore. I didn't say anything. It was on purpose."

your eye twitches a little bit, sitting up with a groan. your muscles are already aching from the day but being thrown around certainly didn't make it better

"I... I didn't want to cross any lines. Found myself wanting more than just your mouth on me and got cold feet. Got nervous."

it's almost kind of odd how unsure he sounds, but you've seen this uncertainty in him before

he gets this way when he talks about something he thinks you'd like, or when you can see that you said something that made him want to laugh but he isn't letting himself do it

it's restraint, and you can see from the tightness in his shoulders that there's a lot of things that he wants to say that he isn't letting himself verbalize

but you choose to be patient with him, and sit up fully to lean against the wall and place your hands in your lap, waiting.

the silence between you eventually prompts you to speak, and you can't help the crease of confusion that furrows between your brows

"What are you saying? You uh... want me to... what do you want?"

the words make him stiffen a little, and for a second you can see his eyes flicker over you

it's something like desire, something you've sen a thousand times before in one of the many endeavors where he pursued you into some abandoned storage room in the base or played the game of cat and mouse that eventually lead into one of your personal quarters

only this time he looks more focused on your emotions and how you're processing the situation as if he's expecting you to figure it out on your own

aaand eventually the pieces start to click together. you don't... understand everything, but you get the idea of what he's saying to you

he wants you

not just your body, but you. as a person. it's something that burns slow as a realization, the flames making your neck and face heat up as you process what's going on

"You like me?"

his tone is soft when he responds. "More than that, love."

and so you sit in silence for a bit before he makes his move towards you

he's cautious at first, as if offering an opening for you to back out if you want, then goes in for the kill

you spend the night together like you have many times before, but somehow it feels different this time. more exposed, in a way.

he still doesn't take off his mask tonight, but over time he ends up getting more comfortable with it and makes an effort to remove it on occasion

like a lot of things in your relationship, the process of revealing himself both physically and emotionally is slow since this is almost entirely uncharted territory for him

he still struggles with feeling like he doesn't really deserve you or is somehow holding you down, but he barely ever verbalizes these thoughts since they reveal a more vulnerable side of him that he barely lets anyone else see

but even though it takes time, progress reveals that he's an incredibly caring lover and speaks with his actions where his words fail him

that and he's really possessive. but he was before you two were an item anyway so it doesn't change much

it's just that now he's a lot more open with his displeasure of others rather than having to resort just tracking them like a hawk from across a room or something

but overall i think that he'd be very tentative in going about actually establishing a relationship with you, but he loosens up later on and finds himself genuinely feeling safe with you and trusting you almost entirely

© ogdannydorito 2022; reblogs are greatly appreciated! do not repost, republish, or generally plagiarize any of my works without permission. translations welcome with proper credit.

[cruelfeline]

Entrapdak/Hordak songs currently in my listening rotation. And I'm marking what I find to be the best lyrics just because!

Work Song - Hozier Especially: "My babe would never fret none; about what my hands and my body done; If the Lord don't forgive me; I'd still have my baby and my babe would have me; When I was kissing on my baby; and she put her love down soft and sweet; in the low lamp light I was free; heaven and hell were words to me."

Ashes of Eden - Breaking Benjamin The entire thing. Like, I will cry.

All That You Are - Goo Goo Dolls Essentially all of it, but especially: "You, see me through; I was alone in the dark, and the fear was my truth."

What I've Done - Linkin Park So let mercy come and wash away; what I've done; I'll face myself' to cross out what I've bcome; erase myself; and let go of what I've done.

And especially: "For what I've done; I start again; And whatever pain may come; Today this ends; I'm forgiving what I've done."

On My Own - Ashes Remain "Every little thing that I've known is everything I need to let go; you're so much bigger than the world I have made; So I surrender my soul; I'm reaching out for your hope; I lay my weapons down; I'm ready for you now."

This one is particularly funny because I'm pretty sure it's Christian Rock and has the exact opposite meaning of how I interpret it.

I Don't Care - Ed Sheeran "'Cause I don't care as long as you just hold me near; You can take me anywhere; ANd you're making me feel like Im loved by somebody." Break the Cycle - You+Me All of it.

Like Half the Centaurworld Soundtrack Pretty much anything involving losing one's identity and/or being separated from a loved one against one's will. Dearly Beloved - AmaLee (From Kingdom Hearts) "My Dearly Beloved; Be strong, I shall be there; Always here beside you; So, keep your head held high; The shadows of this world; Will try to steal you away into their arms; But you belong in mine."

Falling Apart - Papa Roach "I'll follow you out of the dark; I tried it my way; But I keep falling apart."

And: "I stand here again; Forsaken in a place that feels like I can never win; I'm reaching for a saving grace' I can't even trust no one; I need to rise above; I don't think I'm good enough; To feel your perfect love."

Crush - Dave Matthews Band "It's crazy I'm thinking; And here, I'll be dancing on the ground; Am I right side up or upside down?' To each other we'll be facing my love, by love; We'll beat back the pain we've found; You know I mean to tell you all the things I've been thinking; Deep inside, my friend.; Each moment the more I love you."

Flames - David Guetta "Go, go, go; Figure it out, figure it out, but don't stop moving; Go, go, go; Figure it out, figure it out, you can do this; So my love, keep on running; You gotta get through the day; There my love, keep on running; Gotta keep those tears at bay."

Time Stands - Nathaniel Rateliff I don't actually know; just the whole sense of it, somehow; the melancholy of post-Prime recovery.

[reflections-in-a-critical-eye]

Hi bmt! Where do you think Jimin's and Jungkook's relationship stands? Overall/ as of lately? I have always been saying that they are close close, we'd see,hear things and we could tell that these 2 are close (im not gonna say together cos we dont know, or at least i dont) But all this talk about "oh look they're not interacting", "the fanservice is over" blah blah messes with you after the 50th ask you read lol. I dont know if you've talked about this already, if you have can you link me?

No, I haven't talked about it. You probably already noticed that I'm not keeping tab on every interaction/lack of it and what it means as this is not the point of my blog and even if both of them are my biases, I'm not going to spend time picking up apart every single thing. I'm not interested in that.

I think I know what you mean about those types of asks, I received a few myself for some reason, although it beats me why. My content is different that the usual shipping blogs.

But I do keep up with BTS in general and consequently I see Jimin and Jungkook. I don't think there is anything substantial to support the idea that they're not close. As I've probably mentioned before, friendships, like the one JM and JK have, don't fall apart just like that. Everything is fine and then next week it's all gone. I guess that for people having an opinion based on what they are only able to see, a rift could be visible if it's prolonged. Otherwise, I think all the members are media trained that even if something crucially bad might happen, they won't let that be seen immediately. But this is a situation that cannot be applied for JM and JK. The ones who are talking about them drifting apart are using lack of interactions on social media, which is bonkers to begin with. They want Jimin to post like he used to do, not taking into consideration that he's in another stage of his life and any type of relationship cannot be measured like that. But I don't need to explain this too much, I'll assume you understand the point.

The biggest example of why such theories are absurd is the time period when they all had their vacation because people were saying the same thing and then JM and JK were acting just as usual when they came back for the concerts in Seoul and Las Vegas. Not to mention the Festa dinner. Maybe it's just me, but if all of a sudden I would stop being close to a friend of mine, I would try to avoid getting into a conversation and that's not something that happened.

Anyway, I've written too much when it's actually not necessary. The point is, I think people expect too much or they have some ideas in their head and if the men are not acting according to that, then there is a problem. It's also way too much focus on microanalysis as it inevitably leads to missing the forest because of the trees. My advice for anyone who is interested, is to take a step back and just enjoy what you get if you like JM and JK as individuals and as friends and that's it. At the end of the day, their life belongs to them and no drifting apart asks or endless posts on tumblr, including mine, can ever be the one answer to a friendship to which we're barely privy to.

[hoediaz]

for the ask game: F!! would love to know what dialogue youre most proud of (everything you write is SO good so im curious abt it!!)

omg THANK you so much that's so nice 🥺

F: Share a snippet from one of your favourite dialogue scenes you've written and explain why you're proud of it.

ok this is. so hard bc i am Bad at complimenting myself nknknnd. i'll say that i Guess i'm pretty proud of most of the dialogue in the new girl au bc it's a lot of snappy group dialogue and i'm proud of all of taylor's dialogue in everything i've written her in just bc i have fun writing it nsknkk but for a specific scene i do love this exchange from tying you to me that i'll put under a cut to save everyone the length. i like that the dialogue itself is pretty short and straight to the point but it really cuts to the heart of the matter re: bucklucy and buck and eddie's shared trauma in this universe where they never met until the shooting, but that it's also clear that they understand each other. i also like the callback to earlier at the start of the fic, where buck tells eddie he wasn't in the bar (and eddie doesn't correct him, but then in this scene reveals that he already knew about lucy so he must have been in the bar) and that he doesn't look for him, only to admit that he's always looking for him. this fic was a lot about Soulmate-ism and Fate and Finding your way to someone that you're meant to know and i think this dialogue bit was just a good representation of that i GUESS idk no one look at me i hate being nice about my own shit

fanfic asks 🤩

the snippet in question:

Eddie says, “Why did you do it?”

There’s no point in playing dumb, but he has no idea what compels him to peel back his skin to admit, “Because it hurt.”

Another beat of silence. Eddie’s jaw shifts, clenches. “Yeah,” he says, almost too quiet to be heard over Buck’s playlist (and I have this dream where I’m screaming underwater). “I thought so.”

Buck feels horribly sober, a pressure on his chest he can hardly breathe around. He wants another shot, or maybe three. “You thought so? You don’t even know me.” He can’t quite keep the flint out of his tone.

Eddie doesn’t seem to care about Buck’s sharp edges, a soft smile ticking one side of his mouth up. “I guess I don’t.”

The thing is — Buck closes his eyes, so he doesn’t have to look at Eddie when he admits, “It feels like you do, though.” It’s strange, pathetic; that sad kid that just wanted someone to see him poking his head out and asking to be turned away.

But Buck blinks his eyes open, never able to stop himself from putting his hand on a hot stove, and sees Eddie looking back. Eddie’s eyes are brown — not like Taylor’s blue, and not really anything like Lucy’s brown, either.

They’re at a stop sign.

Eddie says, “I know.” His head turns, gaze sliding away from Buck and toward the road. He doesn’t take his foot off the brake. Buck watches the corner of Eddie’s mouth tense, his hands too-tight on the wheel. “You think that’s just the —”

“Trauma?” Buck fills in, tasting copper on his tongue.

Eddie blinks. The car doesn’t move. “Yeah.”

“Are we gonna talk about that?”

Another blink, brittle tension lining his jaw. Buck can see fracture lines all over him, as familiar as his reflection in a mirror. “No,” he says, “we’re not gonna talk about that.”

“Okay.” Buck’s not sure he could, anyway, not with this many drinks in him, not with Lucy’s smile still acting like a fresh bruise on all of his damage.

But Buck’s never been able to stop himself from digging up graves.

“I lied, you know,” he says. Eddie turns to him, a furrow in his brow. “I did. Look for you, I mean. In the bar and — and on calls and, Christ, at the fucking grocery store. I’m always looking for you. Don’t know why.”