#stoatkick6 is a play on weasel; sidekick; and ron being the 6th kid

[chartedrights]

okay your title is "oh my god they were quarantined"

Okay hear me out: Dikrats in quarantine. Jack Bauer is taking up a million diy hobbies and using up their supplies, Craphole is eating everything in sight because Quarantine Hunger, and Slippery When Wet is just trying to keep sane. Failing, but trying.

And Mouthface has attained four separate pen pals from a Quarantine Pen Pal Forum. Four. All hers. Nobody else’s. One is a nice(?) man named Mr. McDoon who won’t tell her his first name because, and quote- “it’s private” even though she literally has his address and he talks about his husband all the time. One is a nice girl whose username is LosAngelless and whose address is nowhere near LA, but who is very clearly dreaming of going. One is a girl whose username is ✨Prince_S✨ who replies in cryptic sentences and emojis that she has drawn realistically on the page. And the fourth is a boy named StoatKick6 who is very enthusiastic and uses lots!!!! Of exclamation points!!! He talks about magic a lot which leaves Mouthface very confused.

She writes them all lots of letters, mails them using charity postage her grandfather gave her growing up, and eventually makes all of them a group chat because she thinks they might want to talk! StoatKick6, McDoon (whose username is Guest1846), and LosAngelless all privately dm her to ask if she has a crush on Princess.

She didn’t think she did. Well. She didn’t know. She wasn’t sure.

She’s pretty sure now.

LosAngelless, who finally tells them all that her name is Lex, makes a second group chat for the rest of them to help coach Mouthface on her crush. Very little of what they say is helpful. McDoon’s name is eventually changed to BanditKingRoberMan and he grumpily admits that his husband changed it and he can’t change it back. Nobody tells him how.

Mouthface and Princess (who will only go as far as telling them to call her Princess :)) talk more and more and more and soon a crush has become more than a crush and Mouthface spends most of her time in the private group chat using the crying emoji and talking about how cute Princess is when she says things like “One day I’m gonna eat the moon” or “my ex was like 33 and I pushed him out of a window. my dad clapped” which leaves both StoatKick6 and LosAngelless with many worried questions. McDoon just sends a thumbs up emoji.

The other Dikrats gradually sink into complete madness, but Mouthface is fine bc she has both texts and letters from her four new friends. Once quarantine ends, they all agree to meet up. Lex introduces herself and her boyfriend Ethan and sister Hannah, saying happily that they’re all headed to LA after they’re done in Oregon, Ron introduces Hermione, and McDoon introduces them all to his husband, Cletus, who promptly informs them all that McDoon’s full name is Rober (no T) King McDoon. He is displeased about it. Princess comes forty five minutes late and introduces herself as Yazmin Oqbi, heiress to the vast Oqbi fortune.

Mouthface is struck down with a fatal case of the Gay, and drops her boba. Even after the others leave, the two of them sit and talk for a good four hours.

(Jack Bauer and Ja’far both weep at the wedding)