#still tired tho and I still hate big cities and I don't really understand the stuff they're teaching us so I'm glad I'm going home tomorrow

[liebelesbe]

btw guys this week has been a lot better than expected bc I get along rlly well with my roommates and my classmates yay!!

[ladydeath-vanserra]

tbh talking to my coworkers about going home made me realize that despite living in this stupid state and this stupid city I've felt,,, unsettled. that I can't find a place to be rooted down into and relax

and even tho I've been here for years, I've never considered this place my home. there's so much concrete and city people and people who don't share the same kind of values I do. Like. if it wasn't for the grace of several people I know living in small towns sprinkled throughout my life, I have to wonder where I'd be right now

the minute I thought about seriously moving back home, or at least *trying* to, I started to feel more settled and grounded. I've never cared about cities or clubs or a lot of super big things. I'm a homebody who likes to read and watch movies and write

the buildings are all so modernized and grey and lifeless it makes *me* feel grey and lifeless. I love the modpodged buildings knitted together with the brick roads or the gravel roads. while there's definitely a lot more queer spaces I quite literally haven't gone to any of them

I hate feeling cramped around a million people. I hate that I'm constantly hypervigilent bec I keep getting approached by strange, drunk men who hit on me or try to kiss my hand. it's so loud I always have headphones in. my district manager reeks of capitalism and military and corporations. she has the most predatory vibes I've ever felt and reminds me of a vulture

I keep thinking "I want to go home" and I've been here for almost 4 years, already. if this place hasn't shifted to feel like home yet it never will

I know people like to clown on rural areas as being boring but like. I like quiet. I like peace. I never get to know peace. I'm always afraid. I'm always lonely. I'm always sad. I live paycheck to paycheck in a ridiculously priced apartment and tbh I felt more stable in rural Iowa in my income based single bedroom apartment for people with disabilities and without a job that didn't pay more than like $150 every two weeks compared to my paycheck between 900-1100 every two weeks with a $1000+ rent I have to split with someone to even survive. I'm too disabled and mentally ill to be working 40+ hours every week. it's *killing* me

I could just set up an appointment at the damn dentist with my state insurance and STILL GET IN and here I can't??? this place is supposed to be #progressive but this capitalist hellscape won't even let me see a dentist bec "were not taking anymore state insurance patients" like what the hell

it is so much harder to get help from the medical professionals and dentists and eye doctors in the damn cities than in my rural home towns

I realized with such a stark realization that despite my family always fighting and being super problematic, I deeply, deeply miss my family. We all lost my mom who didn't want a funeral bec she didn't think anyone cared enough about her and I know we all miss her so damn much. my grandma lost her daughter and both her parents and her brother and now both of her boys live out of state. honestly I want to move close to my grandma. she's one of the only people who understands how much I miss my mom almost 10 years later.

I still can't get over the grief or trauma of watching her die in front of me and I feel like I should be able to push through it and get over it but even tho my mom Was a solid source of my trauma and issues, I know none of it was malicious and was due to her own severe trauma and she was one of my biggest support systems and I just want to go home

I'm just really, really tired and I just wanna go home and I really, really miss my mom

[gey-beans]

I posted 478 times in 2021

40 posts created (8%)

438 posts reblogged (92%)

For every post I created, I reblogged 10.9 posts.

I added 30 tags in 2021

#elricest - 15 posts

#omegaverse - 3 posts

#edxal - 2 posts

#alpha/beta/omega dynamics - 2 posts

#fullmetal alchemist - 2 posts

#fanfiction - 2 posts

#this is calling me out - 1 posts

#i got 9 - 1 posts

#understanding friendly stubborn - 1 posts

#i haven't eaten many things on this list tho - 1 posts

Longest Tag: 114 characters

#i sometimes pretend that i don't have any mental illnesses just to make myself feel bad about my current situation

My Top Posts in 2021

#5

Here's a quick preview of an elricest ABO fic that I'm writing!

Edward checked the clock. 9:45. Shit.

Alphonse had left almost around 8 promising to be home in an hour. However, almost 2 hours later and still no sight of him. 

Edward knew he could handle his own, but it didn't mean he wasn't freaking out. It was going to rain soon, he could tell. His ports ached and his head throbbed. He had a fog slowly building up in his head that he blamed on the weather too.

He knew it was useless to go looking for Al, he didn't even say where he was going, but he had already made up his mind. He nearly fell face forward when he got up from the chair he was sitting in. The rain must really be affecting him today. 

He managed to stumble his way over to the wall where his coat hung and collapsed against it completely winded. Was he sick or something? He was probably just tired. He could sleep after he found alphonse. But his scent glands were acting up too, probably from the stress. 

He struggled with the sleeves while trying to put his coat on and eventually gave up, throwing it on the ground and walking out the door. 

He nearly fell again while trying to walk down the stairs, having to use the handrail as a lifeline in order to make it down. This was getting old, why was he stumbling everywhere? This has never happened when he was sick, had it? His brain was too fuzzy to remember. Oh well, he'd be fine.

Walking down the sidewalk was difficult. His legs felt heavy and the road was too narrow and it felt like the world was closing in on him. A car drove past him and he almost fell over when the lights got too close. Shit, this was too much.

Everything was too much. He could smell all the people who walked by him, their scents assaulting his nose. The closer he got to the city the worse it got. There were too many sounds, too many scents, hell, he couldn't even tell where he was at this point.

Edward started hyperventilating, wishing he was anywhere but here. Wishing he was at home in his nest.

Nest...

Fuck.

He was in heat.

Oh god, he was in public and he was going through heat.

6 notes • Posted 2021-11-02 17:25:39 GMT

#4

For the headcanon meme, the Elric brothers (together or separate): ☾ ☆ ☯ ൠ please!

Sleepy headcanon: When Al gets his body back, he is extremely tired. But he can't sleep without ed next to him. He whines to the nurses and uses his big sad eyes to convince her to bring in a bigger bed so they can sleep together.

Happy headcanon: Despite the fact that Ed doesn't like cats, he loves to see Al happy. Sometimes he'll purposefully look down an alley that he hears a cat from and pretend to grumble when Al starts playing with the cat. He just can't help himself, he loves seeing Al get all excited.

Likes/dislikes: Al loves learning new languages while Ed sleeps. He gets as many books as he can and reads them to keep him occupied at night. He's probably fluent in 4 other languages by the time he gets his body back.

Edward hates sweets. I think that's kinda canon already tho. I imagine he doesn't like super salty things either. (Sorry if this one was bland I didn't have too many headcanons for this TwT)

Random headcanon: (sorry if this one is kinda sad) Alphonse has a lot of mental illnesses even when he was in the armor. It made Ed all the more motivated to get Al's body back, because without a body they couldn't help treat them. Sometimes Alphonse gets overwhelmed and just needs a hug, but it only makes him more stressed when he realizes he can't feel them. He also can't escape them. He can't sleep, can't feel anything which makes fidgeting pointless, and he can't take any medication because he doesn't have a body.

Ugggh sorry yall I ended it on a sour note.

6 notes • Posted 2021-11-02 19:16:06 GMT

#3

Yall I need fic Ideas 🥺

I will write literally anything elricest. Gimme fluff, gimme kinky smut. Just gimme ideas

6 notes • Posted 2021-11-14 19:08:34 GMT

#2

A Home Inside Your Heart

This is my first fanfiction please go easy on me 🙏

8 notes • Posted 2021-11-16 03:45:26 GMT

#1

So like the absolute crackhead I am, I am writing an elricest fic in Old English. Behold: God's greatest failure.

14 notes • Posted 2021-10-26 19:21:01 GMT

Get your Tumblr 2021 Year in Review →

[eternallybroken7604-blog]

We have been up for 2 days. I accepted years ago that this has to be part of my life. He's a package deal. But I am so tired. I do it with him. Idk y. I don't enjoy it most times. But I'm also afraid and to sleep while he's up. I learned not to the hard way.... A part of me wants my life back. My before life. But I know it will be the fight of my life. And I'm not ready. I sometimes tell myself that this was God's plan. I believe that each of us have at least one person that they are mentally to impact in some way and set in motion a positive path. Or bring a lost soul to God. God made me strong and brought me this man. He had to put me thru it to equip me to be wha this man needs. Maybe I'm the only one capable of sticking this journey out with him and bringing him out other side with me. That's why my addiction is so odd. My husband gets locked up from time to time, and when he's gone, I don't do any dope, I smoke my weed. But with the dope, he does my shots, from start to finish. He twirls the bowl. I don't want to know how. I tried once, he got arrested at the end of an 8 month horrendous, traumatizing bender. Suddenly my person is gone and I've been up for weeks. I tried to do it myself. I had the audacity to tell him about it at visitation, because he has always hated doing my shots. He feels enough guilt over where my life is and where it was. He's scared that bnb if I die, he will go to prison. So I always take sure my prints are on it too. He's not ready to even see that he needs to change. I can see that it weighs on him sometimes. And he will want to do better. But then he has no way to stop the guilt, the pain, self hatred. The high and associated relief are his constant and a very erratic life. I'm aware of all this and more. I'm aware I could be completely wrong and he really is just a piece of shit junkiethat destroy a family by joining it. I can't even fault him for that. My kids adored him. And he them. He had a family finally. He was know where near ready to be a step dad. But he gave it an honest try. Then again maybe I just rrwa lly ne ed there to be a greater purpose beh9nd all this, losing my babies, my self respect, my family. Everything.

I can't hate him for being selfish and out for number one, it's all his life has really ever been. I can see what drives everything about h, I study him cause I have never met someone that level of addicted. I cant explain why his thought processes fascinate me, I have to study them til I understand them. Which is hard to do because it's so complex and I'm juggling moneyissues, homelessness, the hustle, him in general, and the dope. The more I learn him, the more pity I feel and I cant leave. I love him to a fault, but I am not ready to abandon him to his demons. He won't survive it with any sort of sanity. He would argue with me on that but it's the one thing I believe with no doubt, he does need me. I think he knows it deep down. He knows I'm 100% on his side. Even if he dont like how at times. He knows I'm real. Even if he tells u I'm not. It's like his pride and years of telling me in so inferior refuse to allow him to recognize anyachievements, no matter the size. I know this but I forget every time we fight, cause it's his defense mechanism with me, it's about the only thing that works. He will reach I to the depths of cruelty and verbally destroy me. He knows what hurts me too. He has left scars that will never go away. I will never forget his eyes and voices and the feeling of my own pain at things he has said. My first husband beat me, that's not how u hurt me. The act of being able to hurt me, that really hurts. My now husband has gotten physical a few times. I cant hate him for it long because I see how much he hates himself for it. But that pride tho, he wont apologize verbally, but he will show me best he can that he's sorry. He knows I deserve better. He went thru a phase where all the blame was put on me for not leaving when it first started, woth the dope and us losing the kids. I tell myself I pushed him too far. It's no excuse I know. But I know how much weighs on him daily, and when substances are u introduced, well I am the embodiment of a large portion of his pain and stress and guilt. I forgive him because I know he's not mentally able to deal with all that and day to day life without help. To stubborn to ever agree with me but I just k ow I'm right. Cant explain that but it's never led me wrong. I shoulder as much as he will let me. And getting high and drunk and my mouth can sometimes push him too far, exacerbates things.

I knew he was a 'recovering' addict when we met. But he only smoked weed when I met him. I thought all that was his past. I didn't mind weed. I didn't personally smoke when we met. I was a divorced mom to 3. We were all finally happy and stable after my horror of an ex-husband. Idk y I fell in love with this man. But I did. He was my first serious relationship in the 2 years since. I never even missed sex, I wasn't lonely. I didn't miss that kind of love until...I was reminded.

8 mos later, we have a place together with my kids. Then a neighbor moved and offered my husband dope. He hid it for a little bit. But I picked up on his different behaviors and made him tell me. Then I wanted to smoke some too. I'd heard of Meth. But I grew up very sheltered by a pill head. I didnt know that when this gorgeous man told me he used to be an addict that he meant thousands of dollars and many hears of hardcore IV drug use. Herion, bar salts. His drug of choice was simply, more. He named his addiction Maria. He needed that relief so badly that once he discovered its power to 'fix' things, he personified his addiction. Maria has been his stability. Shes lways there when everyone else let's him dow. I can understand the desire not to feel. So badly u wanna die. But I was raised different. U can be weak, but dont stay weak. .

But by the time I realized that he didn't recover from his addictions, he fled his former home state and had no access to those things here. He was big on the run big ti.e qhen we met. Hes a hardened city boy. I'm a small town countrygirl. He let me smoke with him. A week later, hes got a needle. I have never seen a pill snorted. I wanted him to let watch him and he did. Seeing the man I love so in thrall to drugs, it broke my heart for him. Women pray to God to see a man look at them with that look. His addiction borders worship. As I write this we are also high with a few friends, he just finished fixing his shot and has decided to ask them to film him. I cant keep going. Thats bothers.me and ill to tore up now to try to figure out my feelings. So I'll wrap this up. My emotions are going every where and I really hate him like this. I hope he watches his video and hates himself. I love him and wint leave him to feel all that guiltalone, that doesn't mean he doesn't deserve to feel most of it. God knows I feel my fair share. I promise myself one thing, I will not live like this forever. I'll keep looking for my way out. I'll keep praying for strength to leave. Or for God to open his eyes. I know better than to preach too much at him. He usually shuts down as soon. as he realizes what I'm saying. But I still try. He doesn't know it yet, cause he has never felt it before, but I love him enough for this. I will win this fight. Even if he hates.me in the end. (Forgove any typos, I'm intoxicated and when I get adamant about a topic, I type too fast)