#still on the floor and i'd just decreed that to be its new place

[buck-yyyy]

i keep telling myself that the reason i'm not doing the things that i love and enjoy is that i'm so overloaded with college work that i just don't have time but like. that's just not fucking true LMAO. i get home from school and i don't have the energy to do anything but lay in bed and scroll on my fucking phone and then suddenly it's dinner time and then suddenly i have to shower and then suddenly it's 11:30 and i've spent approximately 0% of my time doing anything i actually care about or even working on college applications and then i have to go to sleep. then it's the weekends and suddenly whoops! i have to recover from the week, guess i'll just lay in bed some more so long as i don't have plans with anybody, i'll draw later i'll read later i'll write later and then guess what it's dinner again and then i have to shower again and then i have to go to bed again and i still haven't done anything i ACTUALLY FUCKING CARE ABOUT, except maybe a brief 20 minute blip where i planned out something i wanted to do then ended up just laying on my side in bed with all the materials a mess in the sheets (they won't move anywhere else for days, not until my mom finally does it or they end up knocked on the floor). and my room is a mess, i can't even bring myself to pick up the literal actual fucking garbage on my nightstand, and my bed has so much random shit in it because the idea of putting that book away is so absolutely horrific that i can't comprehend expending the energy to move it so i guess i'll just sleep with it there and try not to kick it off and if i do welp guess it lives on the floor now. my planned out quilt is a mess on the floor and everything is a disaster and i'm sleeping with literally stained clothes because i cannot just get up and put them in the hamper and i just want to cry about all of it and i haven't even realized that everything has gotten this bad until RIGHT FUCKING NOW. the only time i ever do something i enjoy that requires effort is when i'm putting off schoolwork in school. and even then, it's only writing three sentences of fic, or spending 30 seconds on a NYT game, before just switching to my phone because it's all too fucking much and i'm tired and i just want to rest FUCK