#still if theyre eating dog food i dont think its as good as wed like

[eggbagelz]

It is occuring to me that not many ppl will enjoy the actual contents of the roadtrip au

[angelofavarice]

Answer all of them fool

I suppose fairs fair

1. Virginia

2. 17

3. January

4. Cap babey!

5. Cobalt blue

6. Six! My lucky numbers six

7. I have cat dog dog cat

8. I am from Delaware

9. 5’5

10. Size Seven

11. I think i have six pairs of shoes

12. I dreamed this package ive been waiting for for a month came

13. My talent is making other ppl understand stuff like that shit teachers are supposed to do

14. I am not psychic i have no intuition

15. Madman by zero authority or All or nothing by elliphant or reflaugh by hungry lights

16. Avatar or Nerve or Bedazzled or probably all three

17. Someone who will eat pickles and doesnt kill spiders

18. Hell fuck yes i want kids

19. No cuz i dont want a wedding

20. Not really

21. Yea i went when i was little for surgery and i pretty much lived there a couple years ago

22. Nah cuz they cant catch me ; o p

23. My sisters gonna b on tv does that count

24. Always showers

25. Blacc socks

26. Ive never been famous but im popular and well liked among my peers which is basically the same thing

27. I would never wanna b a celebrity i hate being popular and well liked among my peers

28. I listen to metal punk and jazz w a lil soft spot for really electric pop

29. No

30. I sleep with as many pillows as i can get for i believe in living life comfortably

31. If i dont sleep on my stomach my shoulders get really fucked up so

32. Not

33. I would rather die than eat breakfast even tho i love breakfast foods

34. Why would i have any desire to fire a gun

35. Ive done archery a bunch

36. Glib

37. Whore

38. I dont think ive been more than like 23 hrs without sleep

39. Regrettably yes

40. If ive ever had a secret admirer i wouldnt know cuz theyre secret boom next question

41. I can b a good liar

42. Absolutely not i still dont have any intuition

43. I can do a bitchin southern accent

44. I speak mostly gen american so no

45. I love me a good drawl, its a soothing voice to listen to

46. Everytime ive taken the myers briggs test ive gotten a different answer and it’s probably bc im not a person

47. The most expensive piece of clothing i have are my platform boots which isnt really saying much but like i saved for them for a while

48. Yes? Idk i feel like everyone shows me this does it a different way

49. Innie (thanks surgery from earlier)

50. Right handed

51. I am still technically afraid of spiders but im working on just not bc theyre cool and awesome and deserve life

52. Mnms i cant stop eating them its such a problemmmmmm

53. Idk if this counts but pot stickers HIT also channa masala is fukin good

54. I am messy in personality. So very, very messy

55. Probably “that/it fucks”

56. Fuck fucking fucker i do not hav a wide vocabulary

57. It takes me 14 minutes to get ready in the morning but to properly get ready more like 26/7

58. My ego is so large it cannot be comprehended by mortal minds

59. Both

60. All the time it never ends ppl who drive next to me see me yelling at myself and think me a weirdo

61. Also yes

62. No one has ever heard me so theyre not allowed to say one way or the other

63. Oof no skip

64. I try not to b

65. I dont really watch dramas cuz they make me mad ( does sharknado count? Pacific rim? Now that im thinking abt it idk wat constitutes a drama)

66. On me, long hair, on others, doesnt matter

67. I still have the state song from second grade memorized so FUCK YES

68. Biology! I love biology! Chems also pretty cool but its makin me wanna die a little

69. Ambivert

70. No

71. Bitch everything but mostly new situations

72. Not really im scared of not being able to see and falling and busting my ass

73. Sometimes yes sometimes no i hav social intelligence and kno when u shouldnt b nit picky

74. Who isnt

75. Yea but i dont think ive ever started a rumor abt a person

76. I always naturally end up in some sort of leadership position and its annoying as hell

77. Yes

78. Technically

79. Thats a very difficult question to answer

80. Three

81. No i take french

82. If i type fast i type wrong

83. I can sprint pretty fast but anything more than like a minute is a no go i dont b egg of sizing

84. Brown and pink

85. Brown and not pink

86. Bitch everything thanks del river- the environment, most sunscreens, immunity boosters like airborne, ibuprofen and advil and i have a slight cross sensitivity to aleeve

87. Yes its the only way i remember things

88. Their best

89. No

90. Currently my band teacher hes a cunt

91. I guess? Like im used to my name now so i dont have any problems with it but ive always liked the idea of being called angel

92. Not having baby, not naming baby, am adopt thank u

93. I want a kid for a child

94. I work my ass off

95. I work my ass off to the point where i dont stop and im left sitting in the crumbling shambles of my metal stability

96. Movie

97. Really doubt it but i couldnt b certain

98. Still yes they have not faded from my skin

99. One is brown other is purble

100. One is yellow the other is white

101. I nominate myself for the “never having to think deeply abt ur existence ever again” challenge thank u and goodnight

[proheromidoriyashouto]

Inksignia, Beyond Alteo - Tattoo artist!Inko x Flower Shop Owner!Rei AU with pre-IzuShou Part 1

Canon is mostly the same with a few exceptions. Izuku immediately tells the teachers what Shouto said during the Sports Festival. Trust is broken but Izuku would rather have him alive and safe than continue to leave him in that house. The teachers - Eraserhead, All Might and Nighteye mostly- investigate and Endeavor is taken down, goes to jail, blah, blah, blah he’s not important. After careful consideration, the authorities tentatively release Todoroki Rei from the mental hospital as an out-patient.

In order to gain independence from his estate, she decides to start up a flower shop for income. So much time spent in that drab, stale hospital has fostered a desire for bright colors and the scents of nature. She uses some of her monetary award to pay off the rent for a space wedged between a smaller convenience store and a tattoo shop. The tattoo shop has dark-tinted windows with intricate, black detailing that creates a black-on-black appearance Rei recalls seeing on pottery in the States a lifetime ago. The tattoo shop opens and closes later than her own flower shop so she goes a few weeks before she makes contact with the owner.

Business starts off slowly as there are more renowned shops a short drive away but Rei creates a niche for herself by exclusively offering carnivorous plants, and freeze-drying flowers. She had a lot of time to read and explore her tastes with a decade apart from Enji and she developed a fascination with carnivorous plants. Beautiful, deadly, and deceptively delicate, they require the utmost care. Preserving flowers by freezing them was a past-time of hers prior to her marriage and she is delighting to pick it up again. It was an uncommon practice then and continues to be so now. She uses her quirk to frost the vases and keep that part of the shop cool without altering the temperature necessary by the tropical plants. Soon enough she has moderate, steady business and she’s finally beginning to turn over a profit.

She’s returning from lunch when she spots Shouto shuffling about outside. He visits her here since her release or at her apartment above the shop so being outside must mean he was waiting for her. He looks despondent when she guides him inside and he spends nearly an hour simply walking through the shop, familiarizing himself with her wares. Even after all this time she call tell something has upset him, though he undoubtedly has a lot on his mind after the Hosu Incident. Though when he came to visit after the Sports Festival and again since the investigation into her ex-husband he had been angry about something then too. He’ll speak when he’s ready so she helps a few patrons with their orders in the meantime and when he does he seems... lost.

Mama?

Yes, dear?

Are you... happy... with all of this?

...How do you mean?

I... He visibly swallowed around a lump in his throat. H-his arrest. The court proceedings, the media attention, public opinion. Doesn’t it... bother you? Make you uncomfortable? I passed by people on the way here who were whispering about you and all of us, how we’re ungrateful and-! Validating the things people like Stain say about heroes and society. Is this, he kept his eyes firmly downcast, all even worth reliving that pain? Wouldn’t you rather forget it?

S-shouto?

I’m not saying this isn’t a good thing, now, but wouldn’t have been better to let sleeping dogs lie? I... I was going to save you from that place. When I made it and he couldn’t control me or you anymore, I-I had a plan, but...

But? She approached him slowly, letting him gather his thoughts. Something changed that? She could see the tips of his ears flush though she couldn’t see his face for his hair.

I told someone. He almost growled at that taking her by surprise. He told the teachers. That’s when they started looking into it. His fists were clenched at his sides in his hurt. I just needed him to understand what- I didn’t think he’d say anything. I didn’t know him. We’d never spoken before but he was always butting his nose into things... I didn’t think he’d hang us out to dry. But he did and now. He lifted his head to look her in the eye. His expression was imploring, desperate maybe. Being dragged through court and forced to relive all those horrible things and having people think less of you for it.You- you can’t tell me it’s made you happy.

She considered his words carefully. No. No, that certainly wasn’t. Having to testify, being in the same room as your father. That was... never something I wanted to experience again.

He adopted a look that was equal parts relief and... vindication? But she continued.

But I would do it again in a heartbeat.

His expression became clear shock then. Why?

Shouto, where do you live now? She asked instead of answering.

...with Fuyumi?

Are you happy with her?

Yes.

Do you feel safe there?

He tilted his head to the side, reminiscent of an inquisitive puppy. So cute her son. ...Yes.

And you know that your father will never come near you again, right?

...Yeah.

So, my sweet boy, who I know is so so smart, She gently cupped his face in her hands and kept his eyes on her own, why wouldn’t I repeat this fight if it meant getting you and your siblings here, to this safe, happy place every time?

His eyes shined with tears.

For the record, she said, I am. Happy- that is- here. And however unintentional, I’m grateful that you told that boy. Her son’s eyes widened. He set us on this path. It was painful, yes. She tucked an errant lock of crimson hair behind is ear. It was also the road to freedom. For all of us.

Tears wet her fingers and Shouto looked away in shame. Oh. He said so softly. You- it- it doesn’t... you mean that?

She nodded fervently. Absolutely. I would thank him if I saw him.

Shouto drew his shoulders up tensely and gently pulled her hands away from his face. That... I’m not sure that’ll ever happen.

She hummed curiously. Has he requested to remain anonymous?

No, I-I thought you were hurt by all of this. I, um. He curled in on himself a bit. I was angry. I... told him off after they started looking into our lives. ...we aren’t talking.

Oh. Shouto. You were worried about my feelings? She would remain amazed by his capacity to love her after what she’d done to him.

He nodded.

Could you make up? I’d hate for him to think he didn’t do the right thing. He might not come forward for someone else if the situation arises. I’d hate to think that someone else if left in suffering over this.

He seemed to shrink in on himself even more. The- the things I said to him were, um, pretty personal. His face twisted in obvious shame. Someone else told me- a bully of his told me that he was... I said a lot of horrible things to him and he won’t even look at me anymore. Before, I was glad. But you’re- you’re happy. He said the last word as though it a ludicrous notion.

She nodded.

Now, I- I don’t know. I should apologize. Looking back it was going too far. He didn’t mean to hurt you by it. Or me. Or any of us. He’s just... I think he’s just like that. So helpful.

She smiled. He sounds nice.

Yeah. His voice cracked as he blinked away more tears. His right hand reached over to cover the knife wounds on his left arm. They were weeks old, maybe they were still causing him pain? Too nice. ...I don’t think he’ll want to talk to me. His voice dropped to a nearly inaudible whisper, a few more silent tears slipping down his face unbidden. ...I made him cry.

Would it hurt to try?

They spent the rest of the day discussing how to go about making amends, and ended up staying well-past the typical closing time. It’s dark out by the time they head out to pick up dinner. She finally has enough money to take the children out for food and Fuyumi and Natsuo said they would meet up at the restaurant. It’s been such a long time since she had a warm meal with her babies. She’s excited. They can finally get to being a real family.

They’re surprised by the door to Inksignia suddenly swinging open, bathing the street in light. A woman stepped out and she blinked large eyes at them. She was short and chubby with green hair and eyes, wearing a black dress with sheer lace revealing colorful patterns on her shoulders, chest, and back without appearing risque. Her arms, neck, and legs were conspicuously bare of tattoos. She carried herself like someone comfortable in their own skin. Surreal.

Oh! Hello! She offered them a smile. Didn’t see you there. Her green eyes drifted over Rei’s apron. She’s forgotten to take it off. You work right here at Beyond Alteo?

No worries. Yes, I’m the owner actually. I’m, uh, Rei. Just Rei.

Ah, how rude of me, I didn’t introduce myself. I’m Midoriya Inko, nice to meet you. Her round face was soft and welcoming. This is my parlor. She said proudly.

Midoriya? Shouto blurted out suddenly, eyes wide.

Hm? Yes. Inko turned to him. Do I- oh. You’re him. She narrowed her eyes in recognition. Todoroki Shouto-kun. You fought my son during the Sports Festival.

Y-yeah, I did. Shouto looked nervous. Understandable. Rei had watched the fight after all. A seed of suspicion before to take root in her chest. If it had been her son injured in their match...

Are you alright? Inko asked to their surprise.

I- I’m okay.

I heard about Hosu. Are you healed properly? Have you been eating enough? My son said you eat very little- he eats me out of house and home so his idea about what constitutes regular portions is a bit skewed but he seems really worried about you so I thought I’d ask. Ah, if that’s okay?

It’s... fine. My wounds are healed. I’m eating, uh, everyday?

We’re going out for dinner right now. Rei said. Hm, she would have to see if he was in fact eating enough for a boy his age. She’d compare to Natsuo for reference.

Midoriya-san, your son... talks about me? Shouto asked.

Oh, all the time. Everyday it’s Todoroki-kun this, Todoroki-kun that. He’s been so worried about you! Especially since the, well, the news. And Hosu. He said you’ve been busy with family matters- and I won’t pry- so he hasn’t had the chance to talk to you in a while. So you mind if I tell him you’re doing okay?

Everyday? He seemed to whisper to himself. No, t-that’s okay. Yeah. Um, has he said anything else?

Ah... Just that he’s worried about where you’re staying and if you feel comfortable there. We have a spare bedroom and he wants you to know you’re welcome to it if you need it. It’s alright with me of course.

Shouto’s jaw dropped as his cheeks pinked again, and he dropped his face to hide behind his bangs. He clutched his hands to his chest. O-oh.

Shouto is staying with his sister for the time being. He was telling me how much he likes it. Rei replied when it was clear Shouto wasn’t going to. Thank you for the concern. Please thank your son for his thoughts. I’m glad that someone outside of the family is looking out for him.

Shouto flinched from behind his mother.

Inko smiled. I will. He’ll be so relieved. She spared a look to her watch and gasped. Oh gosh, I just meant to get some fresh air but I’ve kept you from your plans! Sorry! She opened the door to return to her business. It’s been wonderful talking to you. I know the hours are a bit unusual but feel free to stop by anytime with your boy! It’ll be nice to have a friend in the neighborhood.

Rei felt a flutter of something soft and fuzzy from her hairline to her toes. A friend? ...when was the last time she had one of those? Before Enji. After, most of her friends had gone on to actually make use of their hero certification and were too cowed by his political and social capital to heed her plight. None of them had reached out to her in years. The children were great comfort but they had their own lives. Maybe... should she? Oh it’s been a bit, should probably respond sometime this year- Yes!

Inko blinked at her loud answer.

Erm, Rei flushed, y-yes, I’d like that.

Inko’s smile widened into a 1000-megawatt grin that almost seemed to dull the lights from the within the parlor in comparison. We’re open earlier on the weekends. You could come by then if it’s better for you.

I will, I think. Yeah.

(This was supposed to be a short headcannon and now the animal is loose. I’ll expand from here and post link to AO3 when it’s done. Does anyone want to read more??? Let me know!!

Shouto felt betrayed and protective over his mama so he raged a bit. Izuku can understand why but it definitely hurt and he’s been avoiding Shouto- which Shouto now feels regret about. They’ll make up don’t worry.

Rei and Inko are gonna be nearly as dumb as their sons and I think it’ll be fun.

TLDR: tattoo artist!Inko x flower shop owner!Rei get together AU, still quirks and hero-sons. the name of Rei’s shop has meaning. inko’s almost as cool as she seems yo)

[bioniiic]

all of the asks

1: Full nameidk man. not too fond w putting my full name on the tumbsz but wassup im sam2: Age163: 3 Fearsflyingthe darkmen4: 3 things I lovemy gfmy friendsmy DOG5: 4 turns on good smellgood,,asshumorgirl6: 4 turns offBAD SMELLTHATS IT ALSO MEN7: My best friendhek sarah and josefine. also lys8: Sexual orientationpansexual ???? idk mostly i just like girls 9: My best first datedo nothing. eat and watch shows and nap10: How tall am I6'4 i know11: What do I misshek :/(12: What time were I born12:15 am I was almost a march 9th kiddo13: Favourite coloryello 14: Do I have a crushyes my gf my love 15: Favourite quotedie16: Favourite placecopenhagen and paris. both very different cities and equally important 2 me17: Favourite foodTARTLET 18: Do I use sarcasmall. the time 19: What am I listening to right nowthis old dog by mac demarco ok20: First thing I notice in new personidk if theyre funny i think21: Shoe size 7 !!! small22: Eye colorone is green n one is brown 23: Hair colorcurrently very black 24: Favourite style of clothingblack jeans and some sort of fuckin hoodie im boring 25: Ever done a prank call?i used to do them all the time w my friends in the choir HDKVNSMCN yes i was in a choir but only for the cake 27: Meaning behind my URLidk its a placebo song fskkcsjskdks28: Favourite moviemr nobody leave me alone 29: Favourite songSCSRED OF GIRLS BY PLACEBO FUCK ME30: Favourite bandPLACEBOSJDKSKKD31: How I feel right nowim tired and i want lys to wake up 32: Someone I lovelys my beeeeb33: My current relationship statusim dating my BEAUTIFUL angel gf 34: My relationship with my parentshmmmm. below average 35: Favourite holidayCHRISTMAS 36: Tattoos and piercing i havenoone 37: Tattoos and piercing i wanti want a septum piercing and all the tattoos38: The reason I joined Tumblri had a crush on a girl and i was obsessed with her and she had tumblr so i got tumblr and only reblogged things she liked and she never noticed me JDKSJDJSK39: Do I and my last ex hate each other?NO we just don't talk 40: Do I ever get “good morning” or “good night ” texts?lys41: Have I ever kissed the last person you texted?its lys i wish i had :-(42: When did I last hold hands?it was with josefines girlfriend while she was tweezing her eyebrows and she needed to hold my hand for support 43: How long does it take me to get ready in the morning?like. 5 seconds 44: Have You shaved your legs in the past three days?HAHAHA NO45: Where am I right now?in my bed 46: If I were drunk & can’t stand, who’s taking care of me?idk i dont drink that much but probably josefine47: Do I like my music loud or at a reasonable level?reasonable in like. headphones but anywhere else it's LOUD48: Do I live with my Mom and Dad?no. well like. every 2 weeks i shift between them #divorce am i right ladiez 49: Am I excited for anything?summer 50: Do I have someone of the opposite sex I can tell everything to?my DOG 51: How often do I wear a fake smile?a lot ha ha ha 52: When was the last time I hugged someone?my adult friend yesterday JSJSJK53: What if the last person I kissed was kissing someone else right in front of me?the last person i kissed was my friend ,,,and she has a gf so id probably say can yall like do that somewhere else JDJAHSH54: Is there anyone I trust even though I should not?no i only trust a few very good people 55: What is something I disliked about today?i just woke up. also that56: If I could meet anyone on this earth, who would it be?lys :-(57: What do I think about most?lys LoL 58: What’s my strangest talent?idk ???? 59: Do I have any strange phobias?PUKE60: Do I prefer to be behind the camera or in front of it?behind 61: What was the last lie I told?"im gonna wake up soon" lol62: Do I perfer talking on the phone or video chatting online?video 63: Do I believe in ghosts? How about aliens?both are real and valid 64: Do I believe in magic?no hoe65: Do I believe in luck?no. hoe66: What’s the weather like right now?grey67: What was the last book I’ve read?sushi for beginners haha68: Do I like the smell of gasoline?nnO69: Do I have any nicknames?sammy but only lys gets to call me that also hek calls me sami I do not know why 70: What was the worst injury I’ve ever had?i broke my tailbone once that was pretty bad71: Do I spend money or save it?SAVE IT IM SO BAD AT SOENDING MONEY72: Can I touch my nose with a tounge?noooooo ma'am 73: Is there anything pink in 10 feets from me?a marker 74: Favourite animal?dogggggggGGGGG75: What was I doing last night at 12 AM?talking to lys but then she disappeared for 3 hours and im mad76: What do I think is Satan’s last name is?roberts77: What’s a song that always makes me happy when I hear it?you had me at hello GAYYSYYAYSY78: How can you win my heart?be lys. also food 79: What would I want to be written on my tombstone?gay 80: What is my favorite word?gay81: My top 5 blogs on tumblrgay82: If the whole world were listening to me right now, what would I say?gay83: Do I have any relatives in jail?i dont think so ???84: I accidentally eat some radioactive vegetables. They were good, and what’s even cooler is that they endow me with the super-power of my choice! What is that power?FLYING. TELEPORTING 85: What would be a question I’d be afraid to tell the truth on?idk mannn86: What is my current desktop picture?the default one cause im lazy and its a school computer 87: Had sex?NOO 88: Bought condoms?no 89: Gotten pregnant?no90: Failed a class?noooOoo maam 91: Kissed a boy?nooooOOOO MAAM 92: Kissed a girl?yes,93: Have I ever kissed somebody in the rain?no94: Had job?nonoooo MAAM 95: Left the house without my wallet?yes96: Bullied someone on the internet?HAHHAHAA97: Had sex in public?no98: Played on a sports team?yes but like. not really 99: Smoked weed?NOO MAAM 100: Did drugs?no101: Smoked cigarettes?noooo102: Drank alcohol?yes 103: Am I a vegetarian/vegan?fuck NO104: Been overweight?yes105: Been underweight?no 106: Been to a wedding?yes 107: Been on the computer for 5 hours straight?LOL108: Watched TV for 5 hours straight?LOL109: Been outside my home country?yes 110: Gotten my heart broken?yes oopsie111: Been to a professional sports game?yes but at half time me and my dad left and got mcdonalds and then we went home112: Broken a bone? yes 113: Cut myself?no more 114: Been to prom?no im foreign 115: Been in airplane?yes116: Fly by helicopter?i haven't but i NEVER WILL. NEVER 117: What concerts have I been to?one direction, the 1975, gerard way, the front bottoms and twenty one pilots 118: Had a crush on someone of the same sex?yes. exclusively 119: Learned another language?yes120: Wore make up?yes no h0mo bro121: Lost my virginity before I was 18?no122: Had oral sex?nnnno123: Dyed my hair?yes its dead now 124: Voted in a presidential election?noooo maam im still foreign 125: Rode in an ambulance?no126: Had a surgery?im so boring ive never tried anything 127: Met someone famous?no i was rlly close to meeting bry after twenty one pilots once but NAH128: Stalked someone on a social network?always129: Peed outside?mo 130: Been fishing?fuck no 131: Helped with charity?yes132: Been rejected by a crush?well. kinda133: Broken a mirror?no134: What do I want for birthday?idk i just had my birthday man 135: How many kids do I want and what will be their names?IF. I HAD A KID. IF. it would be a girl and her name would be leah 136: Was I named after anyone?no137: Do I like my handwriting?fuck no its so bad138: What was my favourite toy as a child?probably that doll that pisses by itself. u know what im talking about 139: Favourite Tv Show?idk oh fuck probably new girl 140: Where do I want to live when older?copenhagen or the us for a bit 141: Play any musical instrument?guitar ukulele and bass cause im basic142: One of my scars, how did I get it?my dog scratches me a lot 143: Favourite pizza toping?ham. cheese144: Am I afraid of the dark?y e s 145: Am I afraid of heights?Y E S146: Have I ever got caught sneaking out or doing anything bad?yes but i wasn't sneaking out really,,147: Have I ever tried my hardest and then gotten disappointed in the end?every day hoe !148: What I’m really bad atlife 149: What my greatest achievments arefuck idk150: The meanest thing somebody has ever said to methat i was a trump supporter. u know who u are 151: What I’d do if I won in a lotterylive on a bigass farm and have all the animals 152: What do I like about myselfmy eyes ?? my cheekbones 153: My closest Tumblr friendnone i hate yall 154: Something I fantasise about😉😉😉😉😉😉

[adambstingus]

Are You The One Season Finale Recap: Just Put Me Out of My Goddamn Misery (PART TWO)

Since everyone bitches and whines about how long my recaps are, I separated them into two parts. Pick up a book, you lazy pieces of shit and read part 1 here >>

Chuck is like, were not going to win so next match ceremony Im picking Britni and everyone is like Chuck and Alec start yelling at each other and having a food fight, which pisses off Alec more because hes a firm believer that you should never waste food.

Alec: WE SHOULD NEVER QUIT Chuck: Eat a dick dude

Chuck goes up to push Alec, which is a huge mistake surfer brah, and Alec shoves Chuck to the ground like hes made of paper. Alec, congrats, your ovaries have officially transformed into a small chode of a penis. Gotta start somewhere.

Britni is like You would shove Chuck, who btw looks like a Ken doll version of the lead singer of AFI, for money?! Thats some shit ONLY poor people would say. Britni, people have done way worse shit for way less money. Read a book, tune into the news, watch Empire (or read my recaps).

Rashida and Devin are like And I agree. I did not sit through 10 weeks of this retarded shit to watch yall give up.

Devin is like If I can get this fresh batch of mentally incapable humans to win this stupid fucking reality show, it would be equivalent to the greatest feat in sports history. Which sport? Speed walking? Turn on ESPN Devin, I fucking dare you.

Zak and Hannah are mourning the fact that they arent a match, and tbh, I am too.

Cheyenne is talking to Devin about how he is disrespectful and is like

Devin: (actual quote) Im a shit head, but not a total shit head. – I honestly dont even need to try and be funny for these recaps, they all say enough stupid shit where I dont even have to try.

THE GAME

Chuck is like, I was hammered last night and said dumb shit and Im going to actually play this thing. Thank god Chuck, otherwise I seriously would have cunt punted you, and your little dog too! (Britni)

The game is the easiest one of the season: its an obstacle course with girls sitting on their back. There is a true/false section, where if the team guesses it right, then they get 30 seconds off their time.

Zak and Kayla are in first, which is crazy because Zak might be the smallest out of all of them. Alec is terrible with this shit and is back to being a giant bitch.

Melanie and Tyler go to the true or false thing, where Mel admits she offered Chuck a threesome, which is a new low.

Kayla and Zak win, being the Italian stallions. Rashida and Devin get second and Mel/Tyler get third because they answered the question right- aka, Mel is a closeted freak.

Stacey is talking to Nelson about how she has no idea who her match is and shes talking so fast I could have sworn it was a Gilmore Girls episode. You can def tell Stacey is fucking hammered in this, but its cool. I love Stacey. And apparently so does Nelson. Okay whatever.

Meanwhile, Alec is flirting with Amanda and Kiki is like WTF. Which is literally her reaction to everything- WTF.

THE DATE

Theyre hanging out on fucking boat that doesnt even have a bar. That sounds like some Life of Pi shit.

Devin and Rashida are flirting and shes like except this shitty white guy with a butt chin.

Zak and Kayla are like you remind me of my family so they must be a match- some fucking Freudian shit right there. Chelsey the aspiring psychologist is probably fucking creaming her pants somewhere in the distance.

Tyler and Melanie are like, were besties and Tyler thinks thats code for match but Mel was like,

THE TRUTH BOOTH

The group makes a smart decision for once ,(they probably all broke out in hives afterwards because we all know they are allergic to brainpower), and send Zak and Kayla to the truth booth. Hannah is like Hannah save the stupid lines for Hunter please, babe.

Zak and Kayla make their way to the truth booth, looking like a set of fraternal twins walking into their grandmas 90th birthday. Not gonna lie, Im stressed right now. Im on bottle number 2 of wine, and shit is REAL rn.

Results are in and- THEYRE A PERFECT MATCH! YAAAAAAASSSS.

Everyone is screaming and jumping while Hannah is like, . Its okay Hanz, its not like these matches are real. Those rules arent even real! They were real that day I wore a vest!

Alec and Kiki are flirting and they are drunk AF and Kiki is like Shes talking about how she got stupid fucking matching bracelets for her perfect match and Im like

Devin is doing his shit math again using red solo cups, I feel like an algebra class is being taught in a frat house. Aka this shit is dumb AF.

They determine there are two scenarios- one where Kiki mtches with Alec, and one where she doesnt. Guess which one best friends forever bracelet Kiki wants?

The decide to use deductive reasoning and rationality.

Jk, they decide to flip a fucking coin. I CANT RIGHT NOW WITH YOU PEOPLE. Hunter is like Here is a quarter and ew, I dont trust anyone who has change offhand like that. Get a fucking debit card, you hillbilly fuck.

Kiki is upset because they get scenario one, but you know if the coin flipped for the scenario she wanted shed be like PERFECT! ITS ALL SETTLED, THIS COIN IS HOLY.

Tyler is like, Fuck your heart Tyler, fuck it. Austin is like WOAH you need to figure this shit out. Like I dont mean to sound aggressive, but if you fuck us all over were probs gonna stab you.

Never did I ever think that the game would rest in Tylers hands. Take a drink to that.

THE FINAL MATCH UP CEREMONY

Devin is like, there is a high possibility we lose- not high, almost definite. But he thinks they chose scenario one for a reason, that reason being a coin flip.

Ryan gives some speech about love and how they need it and its like, save it Ryan. Empire comes on in 20 minutes and I need to get this show on the road.

Austin is first and he picks Britni– basing it off the fact that he wanted a girlfriend who would be a ghost for most of their relationship and they would get together eventually when it was convenient. You know what thats called? A fuckbuddy. You came on a reality show to find a fuckbuddy. May I suggest Tinder next time?

Hunter is next, and Ryan is like, do you all have a strategy? And hes like clearly fate isnt on our side, so we decided to do a coin flip. So, fates not on your side, and you decided to rely on it again? Seems legit.

Ryan is like, And Connor and Chelsey are like

Hunter picks Hannah, which is a weird match but whatever I dont care anymore. Im gonna be honest, this whole season I thought Hunter was secretly gay.

Devin is up next and he picks Rashida. Rashida, girl, I have been praying for you. Clearly I am a sinner because my prayers have not been well received. My b.

Tyler is up next and were all on edge. Hes like I think Melanie is my match truly and this is the biggest plotline he has had all season, so hes rollin with it. Tyler ends up picking Cheyenne, and everyone breathes a sigh of relief.

Alec picks Amanda, and Kiki is like WTF (again). What is she gonna do with her bracelet?!!!!

Nelson picks Stacey and RyDev is like, And shes like, Okay, thatll work. Cant wait for an invite to the wedding.

Chuck is up next and gives an inspiring speech. Well, it would be inspiring if he wasnt talking to a band of idiots who put their fate in a coin toss and if he didnt look like a homeless folk singer.

Chuck picks Melanie. Shes like, well this sucks because well never date because hes still fucking Brittni. Maybe you can get that threesome you wanted, skank.

Kiki is last, and ends up alone, well, because her match is Mike. #tbt to Mike. LOL. She shows those bracelets to Ryan and Ryan tries so hard not to fucking vomit on her. Kiki is like I am not confident at all Mike is my match and honestly, ditto.

The beams and RyDevs dramatic hand motions begin. They get 4 beams, which they have never gotten before, so #progress..They get a 5th, then a 6th, then a 7th. Everyone is on edge as fuck, and I am stunned into complete silence at home. Even my boyfriend, who has migrated out of the room is whispering no fucking way to himself. Idk if he is saying that because hes surprised Im silent for once, or surprised that they just might actually win.

They get 8 OMG, They literally need one more to win the fucking game. Im shaking.

THEY GOT TEN BEAMS! THEY WIN THE FUCKING GAME.

MIRACLES HAPPEN (queue song from The Princess Diaries)

MTV IS THE LAND OF DREAMS

IM CRYING

IM SCREAMING, I FEEL THINGS

Okay, Im back. Wow Im hammered. So its made clear- either MTV is a magical place where miracles prevail, or this shit is staged AF. I mean, we all saw The Hills.

Wow, thats it for this season and this truly unique group of escaped mental patents. Thanks for reading, even though, lets be honest- I made your shitty Thursdays infinitely better. And to the cast who read and tweeted me, thanks for having a thick skin. Low key surprised I havent received a death threat from Britni by now. Good luck existing in the real world, you all are sure gonna need it. And if youre ever in California, come buy me a beer, because god knows I deserve one for putting up with your shit.

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from All Of Beer http://allofbeer.com/are-you-the-one-season-finale-recap-just-put-me-out-of-my-goddamn-misery-part-two/ from All of Beer https://allofbeercom.tumblr.com/post/178560286887