#still have blips and weird spikes of anxiety

[leviiackrman]

Thought I would update:

[catboybiologist]

About to fall asleep ramble time, this has been kicking around in my brain for a bit and I need to get some form of this thought out

I was diagnosed with ADHD and gender dysphoria one day after the other back in August. Extremely stereotypically zillenial of me, I know. Handling both of these has dramatically improved my quality of life. yes yes insert discourse about how much you need to have dysphoria as a diagnosis, it's just a tool for the medical system that's ultimately meaningless, that's not what this is about.

There's one thing that was really, really weird about the experience of getting care for both of these.

Most treatment and public talk of transition and motivations to transition are about misery. How much despair your birth sex gives you and how gender affirming care is the only stopgap against suicide (oftentimes, used as a barrier to entry that it should only be given when it's at the suicidal point). How crushing dysphoria is.

In contrast, most of the public perception of ADHD is this cutesy, "omg look I'm so quirky" kind of thing. People talk of ADHD "superpowers" and how neat it is to have hyperfixations (I'm low key starting to dislike that word, even though it's an accurate description of many things- it's very overused).

My actual experience has been almost exactly the opposite.

I absolutely had gender dysphoria, and still do, and misery associated with being AMAB. But is that what defines my trans experience? No, and in fact, it feels like a more incidental blip in it. My trans experience has mostly been defined by joy, by feeling my mind and body slowly make me more and more content with my default existence day after day. And the exploration of it all! The social roles, the romantic dynamics, the friendship dynamics, even small aesthetics like clothes and makeup, and again, the body and mood changes. It's incredible and it brings me joy so much of the time. That, more than anything, has defined my trans experience.

In contrast.... ADHD has objectively made nearly every aspect of my life more miserable. Working with my therapist and my pysch, as well as feeling what it's like to be properly medicated, have shown me extremely well how much the constant feelings of misery I always seemed to have were caused by ADHD. ADHD means being unable to receive a baseline level of dopamine to function under normal circumstances, so your brain starts looking for any way it can get new sources. And wouldn't ya know it, novel stimuli are a perfect way to do that. Keep in mind that dopamine isn't just "the pleasure molecule" it's a neurotransmitter with a broad range of functions. If you don't have ADHD, or even if you do, I want you to think about how miserable of an existence that is. Your default state is depression and inability to do things. It has been for me for most of my life. Additionally, anxieties creep into your head and distract you far more easily. You're less functional. You can't do simple things most of the time. You're distracted and have anxiety spikes easily. Continuous tasks are hard. And day in, day out... You are miserable. Almost constantly.

Oh also, you're easily addicted to extreme novel stimuli. For me, it was self harm. And when that stopped working... Well, I was in a state of mostly background depression that was only punctuated by spikes of massive, overwhelming anxiety that my brain hooked itself on. At a certain point, I just wanted it to end, by any means necessary.

It's been almost ten years since that day, and at this point I can genuinely say that I'm glad I'm still here.

But it wasn't dysphoria that did that (it contributed a bit, but still wasn't the biggest factor). Or a depressive disorder. Or bipolar. Or whatever the big, more "scary" mental illnesses or neurodivergencies are. They tried to treat me for some of them, and it ended horribly. My symptoms fit mixed presentation ADHD perfectly, including my physiological response to stimulants. They don't fit anything else. I likely don't have any strong comorbidities, unless you count the symptom-level anxiety and depression. ADHD did all of that to me. The "cute and quirky" one.

By the time I got around to a diagnosis, my pysch was astounded that I made it as far as I did with symptoms as severe as mine. Tackling ADHD has removed so much misery from my life, it's indescribable. Adderall has been the only thing that has ever actually gotten rid of my constant anxiety.

It's not fucking cute. Keeping with this being the flip side to my dysphoria, I do try to keep it light most of the time, and I join in on all of the classic "whoopsie doopsie my ADHD" trains and jokes. You don't have to stop making those, hell, they're fun. There are cute and funny parts to having ADHD, and ways it's made my personality what it is. But don't forget that this is also something that makes people genuinely suffer well beyond the "oopsie I'm such a procrastinator!!!" Type thing.

Idk where this thought is going. It's just kind of an observation that's been kicking around in my head for a bit. So uh. Hope it at least generates discussion? Feel free to add your experiences if you think it'll help you. But fuck I need to sleep lol

[purplehoodiesimon]

In a thrilling twist of my usual projecting shenanigans, I will be projecting onto Simon tonight 💜

Just hear me out on this one. It's after the video. The dust has started to settle but those few weeks of terror are still so fresh. And Wilhelm is out of it. It's not his problem anymore. It's just Simon in the video, it's just Simon that has to deal with the reporters at his door and the articles picking apart his life. He may not have slept with the Crown Prince anymore, not to the public, but he's still the boy that momentarily held that title and people still want to know about him and his life at Hillerska. And he deals with it. He deals with it, it's fine, it's not like his entire life imploded just a few weeks ago. He deals with it, that's what he does.

And it's just a small thing at first. Just a momentary blip of panic when he goes to the store and there are people whispering, and he stands in the snack aisle and for one fleeting second his entire body seizes with this place isn't safe, it's not safe it's too far from home, what if something goes wrong in this unsafe place? And then he dismisses the thought, because it's ridiculous, it's fine. This is the store he goes to daily, it's not unsafe. But there's still that too fast heartbeat and weird weight on his chest as he walks home, that only goes away once the door is safely shut behind him.

And then it gets worse. And honestly, he doesn't see it happening. When Rosh and Ayub ask if he wants to go to the movies and he feels uncomfortable at the thought, it's nothing. When he stands at the gate of Hillerska after Linda's dropped him off and has to work up the courage to keep walking, to just keep his feet moving forward until he's up the path and in his first class of the day trying to calm his heartrate, it's nothing. When he realizes it's his third weekend in a row not leaving the house, it's nothing. It's all just weird anxiety spikes and nothing to worry about, he's dealing with it and it's fine.

But then it's the end of a school day and Henry asks if he wants to hang in the common room with all the guys, a subtle gesture of inclusion probably born of pity, and Simon's throat closes at the thought of walking all across campus to the Forest Ridge dorms. It's too far from his path to the bus. It's Sara asking him to walk to the store with her and him making excuses about having homework. It's too far to the store, anything could happen in the 10 minute walk. It's Ayub asking if he wants to come over to play games and Simon barely making it down the street to his house as his stomach rolls and his heart pounds. It's so far, too far, 13 steps from his house 14 steps from his house 15 steps from his house...

And Simon can't keep lying to himself about it, he's scared to leave the house and it's getting worse.

Wilhelm asks if they can hang out in Bjärstad one day, a few months after, well, everything. He's asking just as friends, trying to rebuild some of the tentative platonic layers under the love that drove them to each other's arms, and Simon wants to. But he can't have Wilhelm at his house, not so soon after the last time, and he feels his pulse spike at just the thought of being anywhere else with him. It's that thought, that realization that it's Wilhelm, who he loves (though he can only admit it in his head) and he can't hang out with him in Bjärstad because there's nowhere safe besides his house, and he can't hang out at Hillerska because it's too far away on the weekends, and where else is there to go? And it's him turning the offer down with a lie about not feeling well and a "maybe next week" that sends a different sort of sickening jolt of cold fear down his spine.

Simon knows he needs help. He needs to sort this out, fix it before the summer holidays roll around. Because honestly, he's not sure he'll leave his house at all once they start. It's the only place that feels safe, that doesn't leave him shaking and counting the minutes until he can return home. And it's a terrifying possibility that once he loses the sole reason of school to leave, he just. Won't.

[undercaffinatednightmare]

Okay….it’s almost 3am so I decided to post this 🙈 Still working on the other one so it’s not forgotten 😊

Also it’s 3am and I lost all my formatting so sorry now

————————————

Killian’s Extraordinary Playlist

Killian was fine.  It was completely normal to be in a MRI scan during a minor earthquake.  Perfect.  That did not make his anxiety spike at all.  Something buzzed and the lights flickered.  He walked back to his office and noticed everyone around him acting strangely.

Several people were singing Help! By the Beatles and dancing around like it was Broadway.  But no one but him seemed aware.  Inside his office, it got even stranger.  One of his coworkers, Tee Green, started singing Mad World.  His heart broke for her.

"You okay, Jones?  You look stressed.  More than usual."  Emma interrupted his thoughts.

"Uh yeah.  Just, I was getting an MRI done when the tremor hit."  He scratched behind his ear nervously.  "I think I'm going to go home."

"Sure you're okay?"  She asked.  "Don't forget dinner with your fam tonight."

"Aye, love.  I remember."  He sighed.

Once he got home, he slammed the door shut and crawled under the covers.  He didn't plan on emerging until morning, except he was interrupted by someone singing I Kissed A Girl.  He flung the door open and saw his neighbor, Ruby.  Her door was open and she was singing loud.

"Lass?  You do know you're singing, right?"  He frowned.

"Of course."  She grinned.  "Come on, Jones, it's a great day.  Sing some Katy Perry with me."  She teased.

"I think I'm going crazy.  I had an MRI today and when I got out, I could hear people singing.  Like Broadway musical numbers.  So when I heard you..."  He scrubbed a hand over his face.  "I've lost my mind."

Ruby gave him a look thst confirmed it.  "You might have, but I already thought that when you said you and your friend weren't banging."  

"Swan?  Emma and I have been friends since..."

"Since before you noticed girls."  She nodded. "Look, it may have been a blip.  Just reacting to the stress."

His phone buzzed.  Swan:  Dinner at your parents.  Don't be late.

He hiccuped.  Emma was his rock.  His everything.  She was his best friend.  He'd fall apart if he didn't have her.  And here she was making sure he got ready for dinner. 

"If anyone else starts singing, let me know."  Ruby grinned.

"Aye."  He rubbed his neck.  

Dinner with his family had gotten remarkably harder since his father was diagnosed with a terminal illness.  He could barely walk, could no longer speak.  It was a cruel and terrible way to lose his father.

Emma's yellow bug sat by the street just like always.  It really shouldn't have surprised him that she opened the door.  "You ok?"  Her eyes were earnest and filled with shared pain.

She cupped his cheek with one hand and brushed her thumb along the scruff.  "Getting kinda long."  She teased.  "Come on, KJ."

Killian sat beside his father.  "So today was weird.  I had my MRI interrupted by the tremor this morning and now I think I can hear songs that weigh on people's hearts.  No idea what's going on with that."

His dad had a laptop in front of him.  He moved the mouse carefully.  Hope.  "You think it's supposed to give me hope?"  

His father hit a button.  "No."

"You think I'm supposed to help people find hope?"  He asked.  It was the question he didn't want to ask.

"Correct-a-mundo."  His father hit the other button and wheezed a laugh.

"Let me guess?  Emma?"  He chuckled looking at the set up.  "She even gave you sarcastic answers.  Bloody hell."

"Whoa.  Who's talking like a pirate in here?"  Emma grinned and stuck her head out of the kitchen.

"I thought you were my best friend, not my father's?  Why, love?"  He mock whined.

"You had your chance.  Brennan needed his sarcasm back."  She came over and kissed his father's cheek.

"Si!"  The voice sounded like someone from Telemundo.  His father's eyes sparkled with mischief.

He listened to the sounds of his family in the kitchen.  For one moment everything was blissfully normal.  Then his mother and brother started singing  Lean On Me.

Dinner carried on as normal even if he was freaked out.  Especially when his father started singing True Colors.  

The following week, Emma brought him coffee to celebrate getting the promotion.  So far, she was the only person he hadn't heard burst into song.  It wasn't until she stopped at his place that she started singing Ruin The Friendship.  She danced and rolled her hips in a way he'd never seen her move.

Emma Swan was a vision.  Hearing her singing about changing their friendship and being more?  It sent a shiver down his spine.  She might be his best friend, but he'd been in love with her for half his life.  Did she feel the same way?  Or was this only about sex?

She finished and stood at her car.  "You okay, KJ?”

"I'm fine."  He said almost too quickly.  "I'll see you tomorrow?"

She gave him a worried look, but nodded.  He stood in the entrance of his apartment breathing.  When she was gone, he ran and pounded on Ruby's door.  "What's wrong with you?"

"Ruin the friendship."  He said.

She grinned.  "Gladly.  Let's go."

"No.  Emma.  Emma just sang...the sexiest version of that song I've ever witnessed."  He shook his head.  He needed to clear his thoughts of her begging for his touch, but he doubted that would happen any time soon.  The sight of her eyes full of desire for him was seared into his corneas.

"Aww, tell me you saw a hot dance number with that."  She teased.  "Emma wants to ruin your friendship?  What's wrong with that?  You've wanted to ruin it for years.  Why are you still here?  If I knew that woman wanted to ruin my friendship, I'd need at least a week's vacation."

Killian leaned on the wall.  "But does she mean hot sex or is she in love with me?”

"Sweetie, a girl like Emma isn't going to want to ruin a friendship for one night."  She arched a perfect eyebrow at him.  "Is that what's bothering you?  Her song wasn't a love song?  Even though you assume the sex would be hot."

He felt his ears burn.  Ruby sighed as if she was disappointed.  "Ruining a friendship takes a lot of forms.  Besides, Emma already tells you she loves you."

"What?"  He stared at her.  "I've been in love with her since I was 8 years old.  I think I'd know if she told me she loved me even once."

"How are you the one with too many women and I'm single?"  She scowled.  "I can't have this conversation with you right now.  She loves you.  All your little Tinkerbell fantasy will be is a great ride and a lot of drama." She shut the door in his face.

Emma loved him?

Killian frowned as Arthur Cambridge walked into the conference room with Regina and Robin.  Arthur caught his eye and suddenly started singing Moneytalks.

Bloody hell.  

Arthur owned SWRD Technologies.  Their stiffest competition next to MYST.  Every year they tried to lure coders away, but between Regina and Robin, their retention rate had been great.  For some reason, their competitors tried using this office as a talent farm.  Killian had considered that a possibility until he enjoyed working here.

"Where's Emma?"  Graham Humbert asked.  "I was hoping to see her.  Boss wants to take her to our staff retreat in Hawaii next month."

"Surprised you didn't have her schedule memorized, Humbert."  Killian said in a tight voice.

"She's representing at CodeANON."  Will added.

"She doesn't speak for two more hours.  I thought for sure she would have been here before she spoke.  She gets nervous before presentations.  Thought I'd see if she wanted to rehearse with me."  He said flexing his shoulders.  

Killian muttered under his breath praying Graham wouldn't sing.  And then he started singing champagne problems.  Oh bloody hell.  Graham used his desk to lay on as he lamented breaking up with Emma.  He didn't need that.  He especially didn't need Humbert singing Taylor Bloody Swift songs like a lovesick puppy.

Something in the lyrics made his blood run ice cold.

Graham got up and sat in her chair.  "She still smells amazing.  What is she wearing now?"

He tried to keep the eyeroll to himself.  "Dryer sheets.  She uses them to keep the cat hair from her computer.  And Scarlett."

"She's a peach, she is."  Will said with prim acknowledgment.  "Why are you here?"  

"I told you.  Arthur wants Emma to join the staff retreat."  He straightened his tie and smoothed down his sweater vest.  "Which means I get to wine and dine her beneath Hawaiian sunsets."

Bloody hell.

The day didn't end fast enough.  He sat beside his father on the sofa.  He was watching Emma's talk end.   It wasn't a standing ovation, but it was close.

"Did you know Emma dated that ponce Humbert?  I think you met Graham Humbert."  He scowled.  "Wanker came in and sang about how breaking up was the worst thing he's ever done.  Then bragged about taking Emma to Hawaii for Arthur Cambridge's staff retreat."

"I remember Graham.  Such a nice lad.  Very respectful."  His mother said sitting on the arm of the sofa beside her husband.  "He was so polite with Emma.  Is he going to ask her out again?"

The sound of a toilet flushing came from his father's computer.  2 smart.  "Graham was very sweet.  Don't be so hard on him, Brennan."  She kissed him and walked back in to finish dinner.

His father started singing Tell Him except he changed the phrase to her.  To his surprise, his mother joined in as well. 

"You boys ready for dinner?"  His mother asked.

"Ruby?  Which bloody tie..."  He stopped short in Ruby's doorway.  Emma stood wearing a one shouldered blue lace dress meant to look sheer.  Her hair was styled in a high ponytail with golden curls falling down her back.

"Drinks with Rob?  I say no tie."  Emma told him, taking it from his hand.  "One drink in and you'll say it's choking you before you start the show."

"What show is that, love?"  His voice got deeper as she came closer.

Emma rolled her eyes.  "The one you and Dave put on when you drink.  I can tell how drunk you are by how many buttons are undone."

"You remember this, yet I don't remember hearing a lecture on how I should be better behaved in public?"  He smirked.

Her cheeks bloomed red.  "A good friend would have.  Shows what a crap friend I am."

"Ah ah."  He took her hand and kissed her knuckles.  "No bad mouthing the best thing in my life."  He raised an eyebrow.  "Just because you enjoy the view, doesn't make you a bad friend."

Her blush brightened.  "Please.  You can't even remember that tattoo you love showing off."

There was a compass on his abs.  "I'll have you know I remember every bleeding second.  You laughed, but held my hand the entire time."

"But do you remember who drew it first?"  Her voice was almost all breath.  He doubted she even wanted him to hear it.

"OHMYGOD please leave the UST outside.  None of that in here."  Ruby said waving her hands at them.  "I am taking this girl to David and Mary Margaret's engagement party while you boys get whatever weird British term you use for drunk."

"Pissed."  Emma said at the same time he did.

"I have a very hot date tonight."  Ruby told him.  "Now shoo!  And Emma's right.  No tie."

Killian's brain was whirling too fast to keep up.  What had she meant?  Had she drawn that?  The permanent marker went below his waistband.  How much had she seen?  Did she like what she saw or....

"Mate!  Are we ready?"  Rob asked with a punch to his shoulder.

....

Killian stared at his phone trying to figure out why it was broken.  The only way his mother would have called about an emergencyis if it was broken.  He was too drunk and too upset.  Slender fingers took the phone and helped him into his jacket.  "Come on.  I'll get you to the hospital, okay?"

Emma helped him outside and started singing Count on Me as they walked to her car.  She helped him buckle in before driving to the hospital where his parents were.  His father had fallen trying to go upstairs without help.  

Nothing was quite so sobering as hospital coffee.  Emma, who was far too accustomed to sleeping in uncomfortable places, fell asleep with his jacket around her knees and her head on his leg.  He saw a purple tattoo on her shoulder in the same spot as his boots.  Were those...Buzz Lightyear boots inside an infinity?  Just like his cowboy boots?  

To infinity and beyond.  "Emma tells you she loves you all the time."  Ruby chastised.

Emma rolled her eyes.  "To infinity, KJ."

He looked down where his sleeves rolled up and exposed part of his trident tattoo.  Kraken tentacles wrapped around it and held the trident aloft.  Emma had drawn it one day.  She always seemed to use him as a coloring book.  Tattoos, she insisted, should be black outlines as much as possible to avoid becoming blobs.  That didn't stop her from using Sharpies to add new designs somewhere on his body. 

Killian managed to carry her to the car and drive them to his mother's house.  She'd woken up enough to walk, but she'd be staying the night.  It felt like college all over again.  He found her a tshirt and boxers, as well as her spare contact case.  Then she curled up in his bed like she belonged there.

As he completed his own bedtime routine, he took a moment to study the compass tattoo on his stomach.  There was a hook and a swan making a heart and poppies twined around the rope.  Looking at it compared to his other tattoos, it was safe to say who the artist was.  He wondered if she'd like to draw a new one.  

He knew she had some ink.  Besides the one he just found on her shoulder, she had a poppy on her wrist.  Did she have more?  Were there others that matched?  Traditionally, he hated couples getting tattoos to match, but he had a feeling drunk Killian didn't mind one bit.  

There were plenty of college memories of him waking up to find himself part of her homework or the canvas for whatever creative wave she'd felt.  He loved the feeling of her hands running across his skin.  

He slipped into the bed behind her and snuggled close like they did as kids.  She made a noise in her sleep and her hand held his.  "Behave.  Tired."  She murmured.

Morning came and the bed was empty when he woke.  Emma long ago stashed an extra outfit for late night study sessions.  He found her downstairs laughing and teasing his father as only she could do.  Killian hated that her life prepared her for dealing with situations like this.  

She handed him a travel cup of coffee.  "Ready for work?"

Emma managed to drag him to the food court for lunch and then found a bench outside.  "So we need to talk."

"Alright, but I find when a woman says that, I'm rarely in for a pleasant conversation."  She threw a grape at him.

"I got an offer from Ava on the 6th floor.  Managing my own team."  She said.  

"Swan, that's amazing!"  Something twisted in his gut.  "I mean as your boss, I hate losing you and I still need you on the presentation, but as your friend, how can I stand in your way?  You're meant for amazing things."

She frowned and then he found himself telling her.  "When I had the MRI a few weeks ago, something weird happened.  I can hear people singing whatever is on their heart.  Usually with a dance number.  Humbert was singing some bloody Taylor Swift song about how stupid he was for breaking things off.  Why didn't you tell me you were together?  Much less that he wanted to marry you?"

Emma blinked.  "That's the part you're focusing on?  You can't drop some kind of weird telepathy thing on me and then get mad about Humbert.  That was forever ago.  What do you mean they sing what's on their heart?"

"You don't believe me?"  Bloody hell.  He'd been hoping Emma would be the one person who would understand.  "Regina started singing Satisfaction one day.  Arthur sang Moneytalks.  Even Liam."  She flushed as if she knew what was coming.  "Thing is, it seems to be things they're struggling with.  "Tink's grief, Liam's impending fatherhood."

She winced when he said Tink.  She angrily stood and began singing Piece of My Heart.  He had no idea whether he should be afraid or turned on.  He knew that kind of passion hid beneath the surface, but seeing it displayed like this?  A cross between Janis Joplin and Faith Hill?  Gods this woman was going to wreck him.

She sat back down still looking angry, but all the passion and emotion was bottled back up.  "I didn't mean to upset you, love.  I just-"

"Hey!  Do you two want to go to the club tonight?  DJ Fa is playing."  Will said uncomfortably shifting. Suddenly he started singing Don't Speak.

Killian dragged Emma to Ruby's to explain what was going on.  "Oh yeah, lover boy has been hearing everyone's heart songs, as he called it."

"Is that why you think Scarlett is heartbroken?"  She asked.

"And you're mad at him."  Ruby gestured at Killian.

Killian ran up to Emma and knelt at her desk.  "Emma, I need your help.  I have no idea what's going on, but I think my power is somehow going in reverse."  

She spluttered a laugh.  "What?"

"I've been singing my feelings out all over the office."  He dropped his forehead onto her desk.

"And what am I supposed to do, KJ?"  She asked.

"Swan, please?  I can't make a complete fool of myself today."  He begged. 

"Fine.  I'll do what I can, okay?"  She patted his head.  "To infinity."  She whispered.

Once he'd put his job on the line singing Pressure, even with Emma backing him up, vocally and finding a way to tie it all together for the project, he hid in the hanging chairs they had.  Emma came over and joined him.

"So that's what you've been enjoying?"  She grinned.  "Gotta tell you, KJ, that kinda made my day."

"I'm so sorry, love.  I don't know what's going on."  He covered his face with his hands.

"Killian.  I talked to your mom.  You're avoiding what's happening and it's stressing you out."  She said taking his hand.

Killian cringed as he felt another song coming out.  He started serenading his best friend with I'm Yours.  She blushed and giggled when he finished.  "Please don't hate me."

"Killian..."  She breathed.  "I mean on top of being my second favorite song....are you saying..."

"I don't know."  He groaned.

"Well,"  She tugged his jacket and fused her lips to his.  Never had a kiss turned his world so upside down.  When she finally pulled back, he chased her mouth moment.  "You know where to find me when you're ready."

Killian waited until she left to put a hand to his lips.  What the hell had just happened?

He ran into the meditation room and found Tee there.  He sat on the opposite cushion before feeling another song.  "I apologize now for whatever comes out of my mouth."

Suddenly he found himself singing I Want You to Want Me.  Tee was at the door to leave and Emma opened it. Her face flushed and she composed herself quickly.  "I had a coding question, but I'll figure it out.  I hate to interrupt your song."

It was nearing the end of the day and Emma started to walk past him.  "Swan?  Please talk to me."

Her green eyes were full of hurt, but she walked back to his desk.  "What's going on, Killian?"

A chill hit his spine and he straightened up.  Emma called him by name, but normally he was some other nickname.  Until now.  "I wanted to apologize for earlier."

"Killian, you're a grown man.  You don't owe me any explanations."  She started to walk away and then came back.  "You said that usually your power is something that helps other people?  Maybe this time it's to help you.  Go talk to your dad.  You've avoided your mom long enough."

"I don't know what to say or..."

"KJ, if today hasn't proven it I don't know what will.  Nobody knows the right thing to say or do usually."  Emma voice softened as she leaned on his desk.  

Killian watched a pretty woman with long dark hair leave Ruby's apartment.  He grinned at his neighbor.  "When did this happen?"

"At the engagement party.  Emma introduced us."  Ruby looked happy.  "Granny even asked to meet Mulan this weekend.  Can you believe it?  Your girl is actually a really good wingman."

He chuckled and looked down at his handed remembering all the times she'd been his wingman.  "Yeah.  She is."  How much had he put her through?

"What did you do to my girl?"  Ruby asked folding her arms.  "You said things reversed and you were singing."

"Well, I sang I'm Yours to Emma."  He admitted.  "Then she kissed me."

"Like a peck on the cheek?"  She asked.

He felt his ears burn.  "Ruin the friendship.  I can’t go back to being just friends.  Not now that I know how she can kiss.”

Ruby's face broke into pure delight.  "Damn.  Good for her."

"And then I ran into Tee and Emma walked in during my rendition of I Want You to Want Me."  He groaned and leaned on his door.  "Is it possible to be in love with two people?"

"It is, but you're probably in love with one and in lust with the other."  She said.

He frowned.  "You think I'm in lust with Emma?"

Her face fell.  "Well if that's the case, you need to let her go now and get over it."

She shut the door to her apartment, leaving him at his door trying to figure out when the hell his life had gone so upside down.

He didn't see or hear from Emma all weekend.  Which was odd.  Part of him started to feel angry she wasn't at his parents' house at all.  She'd leave him at this moment?  Then his mother mentioned Emma coming while he was out.  She wasn't abandoning his family, she was just avoiding him.

Killian sat beside his father and sighed.  "I really messed up, Dad.  I'm confused and I don't know what to do."

Tears filled his eyes as his father sang Tell Her About It.  His father typed the word love into the computer.  

"I love you, Pops."  He choked.  

Killian asked Emma over for movie night.  He finished cleaning and put his mother's lasagna in the oven.  She'd made an extra pan for him to share with Emma.  He checked the mirror one last time.  Was this a date?  Had he asked Emma here on a date?

He planned on apologizing that was certain.  And he knew she couldn't say no to his mother's lasagna.  And he remembered that his dark blue shirt made her eyes darken to the color of ocean waves during a storm.

There was a knock at the door.  Emma never knocked.  They traded keys forever ago.  Why-

Tee stood at the door.  She must have noticed the disappointment.  "Am I interrupting something?"

"I'm waiting on someone."  He told her.  Wasn't he always waiting for Emma?

"Oh.  Well, I thought after the other day at work..."  She gave him a sultry smile and put her hands on his chest.

Suddenly everything snapped together for him.  "Actually,  Tee,"  He held both of her hands.  "I think all you and I have been doing is bonding over our pain."

"I know.  Does it have to be more than that?"  She grinned.

"Today it does."  He said in a softer tone.  "Right now, I think you and I are better as friends supporting each other through our grief."

She scowled.  "You said you wanted me."

"I did.  And you're a sexy, amazing woman..."  He scratched behind his ear.

"Oh my God.  You're in love with her, aren't you?"  Her eyes widened and she smiled at him.  Then she shook her head and kissed his cheek.  "If you strike out, call me."

He breathed a sigh of relief and leaned on the doorframe.  Emma turned the corner and he felt the weight on his chest lift.  "Hello, beautiful."

She blinked rapidly.  "I thought Tee...”

Killian didn't hesitate, he cradled the back of her head and kissed her.  It took a moment for her to relax into his kiss.  Her clever fingers threaded into his hair and he felt her smile against his mouth.  "I think I'm under dressed."  She sounded breathless and it sent a thrill along his spine.  He did that.

"Or over dressed."  He grinned.  He lifted her in his arms and her legs wrapped around his hips automatically as he pressed her into the doorframe.  

"Finally!"  Ruby yelled as she and Mulan stood in her door.  Mulan gave them a slow clap.  

Emma buried her laughter in his shoulder.  "Sorry, ladies, I don't plan on sharing."  He grinned and carried Emma inside, shutting the door by pushing her back against it.  "Where were we?"  

The timer went off.  He bit out a curse and kissed her again.  "You burn that lasagna and I'll never let you live it down."

Killian pulled dinner from the oven and turned the stove off.  The only fire he needed to deal with tonight was the one he saw in her eyes.  A promise of heaven or hell.  "Wow.  Princess Bride, wine, Mom's lasagna.  You really went all out."  Uncertainty crept into her expression.  "Was this for Tee?"

He shook his head.  "No.  I'm a desperate man, love.  I'm willing to pull out every trick I know to get you to talk to me again."  He thumbed the dimple in her chin.  "Can you find it in your heart to forgive me for being such an indecisive prat?  There are a lot of things I can live without in life, but your friendship is not one of them."

Her eyes dimmed and she started to look away.  Killian had said too much for that.  He cupped her face gently to guide her head back up.  "You, Emma Swan, are one of the most important people in my life.  And I think that's made me afraid to tell you how I feel."  He took a breath.  "I love you.  I've loved you for so long I can't even remember when I started.  With everything going on, I realized I don't want to just be your friend anymore.  I want so much more."

Emma let out the breath she'd been holding.  "What about Tee?"

"Temporary insanity."  He grinned.  "I didn't think you saw me as anything but a friend or worse, a brother.  Yes, there was something between Tee and I, but...."  He leaned his forehead on hers.  "Gods, love, I wish I could explain better.  You are my everything.  Tee..."

"KJ?"  Emma interrupted.  "You're going to dig that hole a little too deep.  Shut up."

He closed his eyes and laughed quietly.  "Make me."

Her lips brushed his again.  “I love you too.”

Tag List: I’m forgetting people and I’m sorry!

@kmomof4

[the-goddamn-queen]

The Girl I Thought You Were

Bucky Barnes x Readers

Warnings: swearing, brief death/torture mention, zero knowledge of the legal system

Word Count: 2058

Summary: Scoring a position working for the Avengers reveals a lot more about your past than you anticipated.

A/N: For @sunmoonandbucky​‘s 1.5k Constellations Challenge! My prompt was the Legally Blonde line “if you’re going to let one stupid prick ruin your life, you’re not the girl I thought you were.” Post-Endgame, but no one died.

You were lucky, you suppose, with the job you’d managed to find. The snap yanked you out of your senior year of college, and when it spit you back out, you didn’t have a degree or the money to finish it.

A non-descript assistant position wasn’t exactly ideal, but it was something, plus they were offering housing for people who’d been ‘blipped.’

You walk up to the shoddy office building, second guessing yourself at every step, but what other choice did you have? You reach the door and give it a firm tug, stumbling backwards when it doesn’t open as you expect it to. You try a few more times with the same result. Had you gotten the time wrong? The address? What this a set up? Your anxiety spikes, and you begin to back away when an Irish woman’s voice prompts you for your name and appointment time.

You manage your name through chattering teeth. “I-I’m just here for the assistant interview.”

“Ah, yes, Mr. Stark’s 3:00.”

Mr. Stark? As in Tony? It couldn’t be.

The door swings open of its own accord to reveal a completely normal office space.

Completely normal, that is, until you step through the hologram straight into a very high-tech elevator.

You barely have time to register the change before the door slams behind you and the elevator starts to drop.

A few moments later, you’re spit out the other side of the elevator into a surprisingly plush conference room.

“Six months away from graduating top honors in political science and intelligence from Columbia University. What happened?”

You snap from your daze to focus on the voice in front of you. The man who spoke was still covering his face with your file, but you’d recognize his voice anywhere. “You’re Ironman.”

“And you were on course to be recruited by the CIA. What. Happened?”

You cleared your throat in attempt to rid your voice of any nervousness. “The university wouldn’t reinstate my scholarship when I, uh, came back, and I didn’t exactly have the money to finish paying since my accounts had been closed for…five years.” It felt weird saying it out loud.

Tony dropped the file to look you over. “Well that’s shitty.” His blunt choice of words shocks you a bit. “I’ll have to have a word with board about that one.” Tony stands and flicks his wrist, opening up a holographic screen that he starts tapping on. “Don’t worry, kid, you’ll get your degree.”

“Mr. Stark, I don’t understand. Is this part of the interview?”

“Interview?” He shakes his head. “No interview. You have the job,” he says as he rounds the table, “this is more of an…” he gestures vaguely to the room, “orientation.”

“So, am I to be your assistant, Mr. Stark?” you question. You’re still pretty confused considering the situation.

Tony gives you a strange look. “Assistant? Is that what FRIDAY posted?” He huffed a laugh and went back to punching at the hologram. “And you can do away with the formalities, kid, ‘Tony’s fine.”

“I don’t…I don’t understand.”

Tony waved away the floating screen and faced you. “I had FRIDAY mockup an ad to attract you specifically,” he said pointing at you, “which is funny to me ‘cause your resume’s too damn good for an assistant.”

You stiffen. He was right, of course, but your field wanted a degree. “Who’s Friday?”

“My assistant.” He takes a step forward and claps a hand on your shoulder making you jump. “And you’re our new government liaison. Welcome to the Avengers.” He pulls away. “Let me show you to your room.”

 The fake office/bunker, it turned out, was temporary while the compound was rebuilt, and being the government liaison basically meant you were the face of the Avengers during negotiations. And no matter what you said, Tony insisted that you were the only person for the job.

You were pretty sure, though, that he was just desperate because the first assignment he gives you is the renegotiation of the Sokovia Accords.

You spend the next month pouring over the original documents and interviewing various Avengers for affidavits.

Steve and Natasha help you outline the full events of the Battle of New York, Wanda gives her own account of the battle with Ultron, and Bucky, poor Bucky, gives you every single detail of how Hydra tortured and brainwashed him.

Clearly, he liked talking to you, though, because after that, he started stopping in pretty regularly, bringing you food, coffee. One time he actually brought a pillow to your office because he caught you asleep on your desk.

A few days later, he brought a blanket.

 The day before the hearing, he brings you two takeout boxes and two forks.

“Am I supposed to double fist this orange chicken?” You’re surprised manage humor through your focus.

“Of course not.” He drags a chair from the corner and plops down across from you.

You glace up, brows furrowed. “I’m done with interviews, you know. You don’t have to hang out with me.” You weren’t trying to kick him out or anything, you just didn’t want him to feel obligated.

“Yeah, I know,” he replies with a mouth full of food.

You stab your fork into the chicken. “Why do you keep doing all this?”

“Why do you keep doing all this?” Bucky counters, gesturing to the plethora of notes you have laid out for tomorrow. You’d been studying them since daybreak to make sure it was perfect.

“It’s my job,” you say defensively, shuffling some of the papers out of his reach.

“A job that you’ve repeatedly claimed you’re not qualified for,” he points out.

“I’m just anxious, okay?” You sigh. “I’ve been going over old videos, and there’s this one fucking senator—”

“Who’s not there anymore.” You both know why. He was Hydra.

“Sure, but there’s always going to be more like him.”

“Look, if you’re going to let one stupid prick ruin your life, you’re not the girl I thought you were.”

You look up at him, shocked by his choice of words. “And who, exactly, do you think I am?”

“Why’d you take the job?” It wasn’t a question, really. He believed in you, they all did, he just wanted you to admit it.

“Well,” you have to word it right, “my parents were SHIELD—”

“You’re lying.”

Your eyes pop. He knows. Of course, he knows. Who else does? Tony, probably. Nat, definitely. Columbia, for sure. It was the real reason they took your scholarship, well before Thanos got to you. The history wipe, the name change. None of it could’ve lasted, anyway.

You take a deep breath, eyes down. You’re not sure you can look at him now.

“My parents were Hydra.” You steal a glance. Bucky’s eyes are sympathetic. You wonder if he knew them. “Hardly knew them, though.”

“You grew up in the Red Room.”

You nod. “I escaped when Hydra fell. I wanted to be better. I had to be better.” A tear drips onto the corner of one of your pages, but you can’t bring yourself to care. “But I’m a fucking pariah.”

You feel Bucky slide one of his hands into yours, and you squeeze down, using it as an anchor as you sob. “Me too.”

You stutter and look up at him. “I’m sorry, I didn’t mean—” He shakes his head to cut you off. “I just tried to hide it but I couldn’t keep it up I got found out and kicked out –”

As you ramble, you don’t notice Bucky rounding the desk until he wraps his arms around you, effectively shutting you up.

You instinctively reach your arms around his neck, sobbing into his shoulder as you cling to him. “I just wanted to start over.” He lowers the two of you down until you’re practically sitting in his lap, your face still buried in his neck. Bucky smooths his hand over your back as the tears die down.

“You’re gonna get your second chance, doll,” he whispers into your hair, “that’s why you’re here.” Then he adds quietly, “that’s why we’re all here.”

 You could almost feel Secretary Ross’s eyes burning a hole into your head, but he’s not your problem at the moment. The panel of senators sitting in front of you were much more important. You’d given them everything, you just hope you can handle whatever they throw back at you.

A few of the committee members that had been convening finally pulled their heads away from each other. One of the women leaned into her mic.

“Miss, is it true you were once part of the Soviet training program ‘The Red Room?’”

Your heart clenched. “Yes, ma’am.”

“And how did you find yourself in this program?” she pressed.

“I don’t see how this is relevant—”

“Just answer the question.”

You take a deep breath and glace over to Bucky. He offers a warm smile, nodding at you to continue. He has faith in you, it’s all you need.

“My parents were members of the shadow organization, Hydra—”

“The Nazi organization—”

“If you would allow me to answer your question, senator,” you fire back, “and if I remember correctly, a number of your colleagues were involved in Hydra as well.”

“They are answering for their crimes—”

“And my parents died for theirs.” A stunned silence fell over the courtroom. “They threw me into the Red Room when I was three years old. Hell bent on turning their own daughter into a weapon.” You were half standing now, but still leaned in on your mic. “They ruined my life. I carry no allegiance to them or the organization that tried to brainwash me and countless others. I was lucky. I escaped and got to go after my second chance. Thanks to the Avengers, we all got a second chance.”

It starts with one person, but it doesn’t take for the entire gallery to erupt into applause. The committee head practically has to yell into his mic about reconvening the next morning. It wasn’t over, but you sure as hell made an impression.

 “Don’t you think this celebration is a little pre-mature?” you ask as Tony hands you the glass bottle.

“No way, kid,” he insists, “you earned that beer. You did us proud today.”

You smile and start to turn from the bar but stumble back when you smack straight into a pillar.

“Shit, sorry, you alright?” Oh, okay. Not a pillar. You look up.

“Yeah! Yeah, I’m fine,” you reply, not realizing you still had a hand on Bucky’s chest.

He smiles down at you. “Walk with me?” He offers an elbow.

“Sure.”

The two of you wander the hallways for a while before you stop him. “You knew me didn’t you? In Hydra?”

Bucky parts hips lips for a moment and then nods, and you see his eyes get glassy.

“Bucky, what is it?”

“Nothing, really,” he shakes his head and you can tell he’s fighting tears. “Yeah, I knew you.”

“I didn’t know you though. Bucky why are you crying?”

A tear escapes and he chokes on a sob. “Because I watched you die.”

You feel it then. The echo of the electricity weaving its way into your head, latching onto bits and pieces of memories and frying them into obscurity. The realization hits you, and you grasp at Bucky’s face, forcing him to look you in the eyes. You let the blue run over you until your own tears start to fall. “I didn’t die,” you reassure him, smoothing with wet cheeks with your thumbs.

“They let me think it killed you.”

You choke out a laugh. “You know it takes a hell of a lot more than that to kill me.”

He smiles at that and pulls you a little closer. “You really are the girl I thought you were.”

You take a deep breath and lean in just enough to press you lips to his. Bucky sighs into you and returns the kiss. The two of you stay that way for as long as possible, letting the connection work a balm over the charred parts of your brain until all that was left was the memories of him.

“They made you forget me,” he murmurs against your lips.

“I could never forget you.”

[caindoglover]

Escape

My song of inspiration this time around was May We All. Don't ask. The best I can guess is the music video made me emotional and those emotions carried over to the song itself.

https://www.fanfiction.net/s/12387858/8/The-Thin-Line

Enjoy!

Batman sits and stares at the tv even though there is nothing there to watch. Only a blank screen stands before him. It is rare that he merely sits without any sort of background sound. In fact, he could probably count on one hand the times he sat alone with his thoughts in front of this tv. Usually it had to do with his parents, but tonight they could not be farther from his mind. He thinks only of Joker. He can’t forget the venom in Joker’s voice or how he shied away from being touched during that last visit. He plays the scene back through his head over and over again, trying to see what he is missing here. He. Just. Can’t. Find. It.

He throws his head back and groans. He really needs for something criminal to happen right now – a hostage situation, a bomb set to destroy the city, heck, he’d even settle for a good old fashioned robbery. Anything.

The alarms go off and he jumps in place. The surprise vanishes in a blink and adrenaline rushes through his veins. He grins from ear to ear. “Yes.” He pumps his fist in the air. “Computer! What’s the situation?” He races for the exit before a word is said, but he listens intently all the while.

“It’s Arkham Asylum. A prisoner has escaped.”

Batman’s heart skips a beat and he dares to hope. Could it be? Is this it? He trips over himself in his excitement but gets right back up and keeps running. He grabs the scanner as he goes. “Tracking,” he commands. He doesn’t expect anything to come of it, any escapees rip the tracker implanted by the prison off the first chance they get. Still, if it is Joker then perhaps…

The blips appear on the screen, one set far apart from the rest. “Joker…” The J beside the dot is all the proof he needs. He puffs out a laugh and a certain relief settles on him. And he’s…Batman frowns. At the docks? That’s weird. A fear crawls up his spine and curls around him. The relief vanishes beneath the intensity.

No. He shakes his head fervently. It’s fine. He just has to go there and Joker will be waiting for him – just like always. Still, he does not tarry. If anything he picks up his speed. He never once takes his eyes off the tracker, the soft beeping a steadying force for him.

Then it vanishes.

Batman gasps and skids to a stop. “What the…” His eyes widen and his mouth gapes as he stares at the empty space. He smacks it. Come on, come on. He grinds his teeth and growls deep in his throat. Stupid machine malfunctioning. He doesn’t have time for this, he-

His mouth goes dry. “No.” He kicks into overdrive and sprints. The dock comes into view in less than a minute and he looks wildly about. His heart pounds in his ears and every nerve stands on end, each passing second only driving the anxiety higher. “Where are you, where are you?”

He makes a beeline for the far left dock. That is closest to Joker’s last coordinates. He rips his cape off, draws in a deep breath, and dives. It is all black, so dark that he can’t see his hands in front of his face. All he can do is swim. He delves deeper and deeper until after an eternity his hand hits something.

He sucks in a breath of surprise and chokes on water, but he doesn’t have time to surface for air. He swipes for whatever he hit and his hand latches onto a bulk of clothes. Joker. He lugs the body up under his arm and surges toward the surface.

He breaches the surface and gasps for air. No. Still no time. He heaves Joker over the side of the dock and pulls himself up afterwards. “Joker,” he coughs out. “Joker, come on.” He smaks at Joker’s cheek. But there is no response. The fear spikes. His eyes dart all over Joker’s body, looking for any sign of life. His heart sticks in his throat when he sees none.

Joker is completely still and his face startlingly pale even compared to his usual mask.

Batman’s mind scatters and panic seizes him in a vice grip. He frantically feels around Joker’s neck for a pulse. Nothing. No, no, no, no, no. He shakes his head. He has to focus. He can fix this. He can.

He begins chest compressions, again and again, again and again, until he counts to thirty. He tilts Joker’s head back, pinches his nose shut, and presses his mouth to the clown’s, and breathes his air into him.

He rises and fumbles for a pulse. It is like a knife in his gut when there is still nothing. Tears prick at his eyes and he sneers at himself for such weakness. There is no need for it. Joker won’t die. He absolutely refuses. He repeats the process two, three, four times.

There is a sharp intake of breath and Joker goes into a coughing fit, his stomach clenching.

Batman snaps into action. He helps Joker sit up and leans him over.

Joker chokes up massive amounts of water that crosses into vomit. His body trembles from the exhaustion the effort causes.

Batman lets out a shuddery breath, a ghost of a smile passing his lips. “Joker…” He lays a hand on his shoulder. “God…you scared me to death.”

Joker’s head swims and he only vaguely register’s a voice. Batman’s voice. He tilts his head to peer toward the voice. “Batsy…” He coughs again. “You found me…” He manages a feeble smile.

Batman frowns. “Of course I did. Why wouldn’t I find you?”

Joker’s eyes slips shut and his body goes limp.

Batman starts and catches him before he hits the ground. “Hey,” Batman’s voice is an octave too high. “Hey, Joker.” His heart speeds up. His eyes catch on the steady rise and fall of Joker’s chest and he lets out a breath. Okay, still breathing. That’s good. Yeah.

He shifts Joker so that he is cradling the criminal. He touches a hand to Joker’s cheek. He shivers. Ice cold. He looks up, through all the buildings and to where Arkham Asylum stands. He knows that should be where he takes Joker. All escapees are to be returned immediately upon capture. And yet…he drops his gaze to Joker’s face. He’s still so pale. So utterly helpless. Batman’s stomach twists at the idea of abandoning him there, where he can’t be sure of the care he’ll get.

He could take Joker back to Wayne Manor, but some selfish part of him doesn’t want that either. Doesn’t want to give his family more proof that he has a soft spot for the criminal, more than a soft spot. He brushes his fingers over Joker’s hair. Either way, he can’t leave Joker here. He would die, from hypothermia if not from lingering water in his lungs.

“Look what you do to me.” He bites his lip as his thoughts continue to whir. “Well…” He stands. There is one other way. He grabs his cape and wraps it around Joker before he heads for the clown’s base and more specifically Harley Quinn. This has the potential to go very bad, very fast, but as long as he talks fast it’ll be alright.

He makes it there in record time, yet upon reaching the threshold his steps are tentative. He can already feel the backlash. He swallows hard. No, it’ll be fine. It’s just Harley. He kicks her butt at least once a week. This is nothing.

He walks in and there she is sitting on their couch.

Harley pops her head up at the sound of footsteps, a smile filling up her face as she expects to see Joker walking in. She saw the news. However, as she registers the sight in front of her the cheer is shattered. Horror flashes through her eyes before fury twists her expression, her lips curving into a snarl. “What did you do?” She leaps over the couch and draws her hammer.

Batman takes a quick step back. With no hands free he is demonstrably more uneasy. “Woah, woah, take it easy, Harley. I saved him, alright? This wasn’t me. I would never-” He stops himself from finishing that sentence.

Harley regards him with heavy suspicion. Still, she lowers her weapon. “Then who did? Who hurt Mr. J?” Her fingers twitch with desire to strangle something.

Batman shakes his head. “I don’t know. I was just answering the report of an escapee. I followed his tracker to the docks and found him...” He grimaces. “…drowning. Whoever did it was already gone.”

Harley abandons her weapon completely and hurries across the room to look Joker over. He is understandably drenched. She touches his face and shudders. She snaps her eyes to Batman. “Give him to me. He needs to get dry.” She holds her arms out.

Batman draws Joker closer. “You sure you’ll be enough?”

Harley scoffs. “You chose to bring him here didn’t you? Clearly you thought I’d be able to take care of him.” Her eyes flash dangerously. “So let me. Take care of him.”

Batman yields to her, carefully handing Joker to her. Still, his hands linger over Joker even as he relinquishes control.

Harley’s intensity fades and she offers his a smile. “Don’t worry, Bats. I was here long before you and I won’t let him die now.”

Batman nods vaguely and drops his arms. Sometimes he forgets that Harley isn’t just an ally made through villainy. She has a past with him. She even knows the him before he became the Joker.

Harley nods toward the door. “You should go.”

Batman nods again. “Yeah…right.” He wanders out of the building and toward home. At least he intends to. Ultimately he ends up roaming the city for hours before winding up at the docks, staring vacantly out to sea. Who did this? Who would even know where Joker was? Someone at the prison? But why? He just doesn’t know.

It isn’t until Batman is gone that Harley realizes his cape is still wrapped around Joker. She snorts in amusement. Oh well. She changes Joker into dry clothes and wraps him up in blankets on the couch. She lays his head on her lap and watches him intently. The steady in and out of each breath is her sanity.

It is hours later that Joker finally stirs. His eyes flutter open and the view of the crappy television is a familiar and reassuring sight. For a moment he even thinks he just nodded off watching some show with Harley. Then a coughing fit hits along with a searing headache.

“Mr. J!” Harley’s eyes widen in concern. “Are you okay?” She rubs his back.

Joker picks himself off of her, shrugs the blankets off, and presses his fingers to his temple. “It hurts. A lot.” He coughs again.

Harley grimaces. “I know. You got clobbered pretty good.” She runs a hand along the side of his head.

Joker blinks. “Clobbered…” His voice is far off. That’s right. A kick to the stomach. A blow to the head. And another. Then nothing. He goes rigid. “That guy…” His tone is hoarse.

“What guy?” Harley peers into his eyes.

Joker grimaces and wraps his arms around himself. “From the prison. You…you wouldn’t know him.” He shivers.

Harley’s brows knit together and a frown mars her face. “Boo boo…”

“Harley…” He bites his lip and bows his head. “I’m scared.”

Harley doesn’t know what to say to that. There is a strangling fear in Joker’s eyes, a sentiment she hasn’t seen in him since they were young. He may be emotional, but he does not scare easily. All she can do is wrap an arm around him and pull him close.

Joker leans his head into the crook of her neck. He breathes in her familiar scent and it steadies him, even if only for this small moment in time. Somewhere between sleep and consciousness he murmurs, “I think I’m gonna take a break from crime.”

Harley starts, but smothers her shock as quick as it came. She nods. “Okay, Boo boo.” She hugs him tighter. “Okay.”

Part 2 of me hoping I'm building suspense when really I'm probably just getting on everyone's nerves. lol Anyway, I really do hope you enjoyed it. Drowning scenes are one of my favs to do. I know, I'm a masochist.