#still a shit club but the prospects career wise are better at least

[donfermin]

I don’t even understand him wanting to leave even if it was to a club where he’ll get more regular time. Lewa is turning 36 soon, next season is probably his last. If Marc wanted more playing time he could easily ask for a loan and then return and fight for the position with Vitor when Lewa leaves. I don’t think it makes sense that he wants to leave because why would you leave the club of your life when you’re one of the few who can actually get into the first team, unlike many others who are forced to leave, and are only 18 so he has plenty of time to get into the first team on a regular basis if be actually wanted to. So for me even if he chose a better club it still makes no sense, but going especially for the money is even worse.

To be honest, I get why he would want to advance in his career by changing club. Lewa is an egomaniac who will probably want to start every single game until he's dead on the pitch. And all the drama regarding Vitor probably didn't help, because if we don't sell him his entourage will make sure he will get minutes. The way our club is managed doesn't give you much hope. And there's always the chance of them buying a new striker or having other players like Ferran being favored (since he's not planning on going anywhere...)

I remember when Xavi decided to stay, there were rumours about Marc wanting to stay at Barça and refusing loan offers. With Xavi, he would've 100% got a chance, but maybe Flick didn't show enough interest for him to stay.

[tetrisfinished]

i get it now

for years i've heard about how women who try to have it all can't....or don't exist.

that some level of their lives must be sacrificed or dropped.

and by "have it all" i mean run a household, have a family, and have a career. and i used to think - maybe that's not totally true. isn't it just all a juggle of time?

and partly - yes. but mostly - no. because i get it now.

before i dive into what i mean, let me just be very clear - i am not nearly as ambitious as the women who's company i hold. i am not seriously aspiring to be anything beyond a manager at work and i am not aspiring to have many more beyond 2 kids (second one is obviously non existent yet, but we've been trying - unsuccessfully - for almost half a year now, so there's that).

but still, most days i feel like i'm drowning. and i mean, in fairness, i don't push myself all too hard to keep up with my life and my surroundings and i readily give up my time to indulge in time with esa but especially in my own activities (participating in book clubs, joining badminton, staring at my phone etc).

but things are dropping off. i get a cleaning lady every other week. i've just received my first of what i feel will be fairly regular meal services today. my kid has been in full time daycare since he was ONE year old. i push and push and push yasir to be involved and help me out in the household. despite my beef that an equal partner should never "help" - they should take responsibility, initiative, and only DO. but that's neither here nor there - gotta live in the reality we're given and this is just not mine.

and from the outside, this may feel like me affording luxuries for myself. and maybe part of it is that - that i work so i can afford these things.

but the other part of it is a very real - i work so i cannot dedicate big portions of my time to these things either.

i mean, maybe i can, but i just am so tapped out most days that it feels unrealistic for me to do!

and today...with the food delivery. it's just made me really sad. that despite firing at par or sub par levels in each facet of my life, i am still so consumed by it that now i can see my dream of cooking and feeding my kid homecooked daily meals as a distant thing floating away. and that. fucking. sucks.

my mom made us daily meals (she also didn't re-join the workforce until we were a fair bit older) but i have so much love and gratitude towards her daily efforts.

i don't believe she needed to, but making us food and giving us...our health, was of course, part of her love language towards us. and what can i say - it's stuck that way.

and here i am, extremely average at most of my life and i can't do even this little bit.

when does my sacrifice or the things i'm letting go of to continue my lifestyle the way it is become no longer worth the effort? at what point do i say enough is enough and resign from my job. why won't my guilt about being a sub par parent leave me alone. why am i so thoroughly incapable of giving esa the love and attention that i was so abundantly given from my mom since my birth.

sometimes i will jokingly drop that i don't know what it even feels like to be a "full time" parent anymore but the reality is - that's not a joke. it's the real and honest truth and i loathe myself so fucking much for it.

that's it. i'm feeling melancholy as i realize that shit is dropping off, and maybe if i had better career prospects or more ambitions work-wise, i wouldn't be so sad about it. but i'm (at this point in my life) working simply to pay the bills i acquired when i thought i would be working for more than just those bills.

and it's sad. but i get it. i get why women can't have it all. i get why it's an unreasonable expectation. i allow myself my "luxuries" (read: necessities) so that i can value the time i do have with esa more. or at least i hope that's what i'm doing.

anyway.

that's all.

-k

[spaceorphan18]

Finding Kurt Hummel: Movin’ Out

Masterpost

5x06: Movin’ Out (5x06)

Hey, it’s the Billy Joel tribute episode (I kind of forget that it’s a tribute episode).  It’s also the first time Klaine’s been together since episode 1 - so it had a ton of pressure on it to be, well, more than it is.  The episode makes a few strange choices, but I say it still works in the overarching theme of what they were trying to achieve.  

Welcome to New York Blaine and Sam

You know I have some nitpicks about this episode.

Nitpick #1: The directing.  Brad Falchuk directed this episode - and he usually isn’t making strange choices, but this one kind of cracks me up.  

Why is Kurt so shocked to see Blaine and Sam enter the loft? Especially when the previous scene sets up the fact that the two of them would be hanging out in New York for a while.  Are you really going to tell me Blaine didn’t text every five second of his journey to Kurt?  And what person in general doesn’t have their cell right next to them? And - idk, it’s not how I would have done it.  

It’s not just Kurt - Santana and Rachel both seem overly surprised by their guests -- and do you think Santana would have been all smiley if someone interrupted her in the shower?  The over-enthusiasm of this scene cracks me up.  

Okay then the whole Kurt hugs Sam first thing.  Which is entirely a blocking issue.  I thought about it -- why not just switch Darren and Chord? Because Rachel has to come into the scene and hug one of them, and height wise Blaine and Rachel match up and Kurt and Sam match up better than vise versa?  Idk - but the whole thing seems like a blocking issue more than any real issue within the narrative.  

If you watch carefully, Blaine does kiss Kurt on the cheek upon embrace, and Klaine holds each other longer and tighter than Kurt’s hug with Sam.  

SO - you’re totally nitpicking a two second moment.  Yup.  Because fandom ripped this episode to shreds, and I don’t really think it deserves it.  Pretty sure the general audience, or those binge watching it for the first time noticed or cared thew weird blocking issue of this scene.  

However - the scene change from the loft to the Artie scene is kinda cool, actually.  

Anyway.... 

So, let’s talk about the fact that while, presumably, Kurt’s going to class and working, he sends Blaine (and Sam) on a little tour of New York -- which includes a bathhouse where Tennessee Williams once frequented.  Lol. Did Kurt learn about this during one of his meetings with the Tennessee Williams playwrighting club? And you say Glee lacks continuity.  

So - Blaine talks about looking at other campuses like NYU, and Kurt’s all - nope. you’re coming to NYADA cause a) I’m pretty giddy at the thought of having my fiance go to the same school as me and b) I totally talked you up to Carmen Tibideaux and you’ll probably get in just so she can shut me up.  

So.  Not getting into the Blaine side of things -- Kurt’s pretty excited that Blaine is in NY, he’s super excited at the prospect of Blaine going to the same school as him, and isn’t sure why Blaine’s doubting himself because Kurt thinks he’s pretty awesome.  I mean this entire scene episode is Kurt recognizing that Blaine’s overly critical of himself, and wants to give him support that he is an awesome person and performer.  

While I do think it’s better for the both of them to be going to different schools (as we see in the later NYC arc), here’s nothing but optimism and joy about his future from Kurt.  

Nitpick #2 - The writing.  Kurt’s line: She’ll give you a spot on the spot.  OMG - what an awkward sentence.  This script needed, at least, one more final edit.  This episode was written by the same guy who wrote The First Time -- though that original script was terrible, but the editing of the episode was awesome.  So yeah - maybe in season 5 they were rushing through things and not taking the care they used to.  Makes sense.  

Kurt wants to make sure that Blaine’s fully prepared to go into his NYADA audition (and how much off screen prep happened because it seems like Kurt’s been pretty active once they’ve gotten back together in helping Blaine prepare for his future) and has Blaine do an impromptu performance.  He’s not only trying to help Blaine, but being supportive and excited for the world to see Blaine.  

Look, okay.  So, it does make me sad that we don’t get to see more of this throughout the show, especially in season 5 -- but it is here -- Klaine happy and supportive and loving of each other.  Believe me - I wanted more of this, and would have watched an entire show of happy moments, too (and I agree that one drawback of the NYC arc is that it’s lacking in many of these happier moments).  But they are here.  

So yeah - Blaine sings Piano Man -- and that’s essentially his NYADA audition -- because apparently, we need to spend more time with Sam flirting with Rachel and kicking off his modeling career.  

I don’t have a whole lot to say about the performance - other than they’re cute all dancing around the diner.  

So, interestingly, Kurt exclaims that Blaine will get into NYADA - and then all their dreams will come true.  Which -- is a little bit of a weird thing to say.  But, what I find interesting about it is that at the end of this season, there’s a conversation there - more noticeably in Rachel’s story (and I’ll argue they’re in Sam’s and Artie’s to a minor degree), but also in the Klaine story that dreams come true but they aren’t always what they’re cracked up to be.  So a lot of this episode feels like set up for things not being as fully perfect as they thought it’d be when they finally get (one of the) thing(s) they’ve been wanting since season 2 - to be together, living their dream, in NYC. 

Nitpick #3 - The acting.  So, Chris gets a lot of shit for his acting in this episode.  And mostly, I think it’s unwarrented.  Except this scene.  It’s just over played - as if Chris had forgotten how to make Kurt genuinely excited about something.  I’m not going to speculate as to why (it could be a huge number of things, but no I don’t think it has /anything/ to do with hating Darren) but yeah, it’s a little awkwardly over-the-top.  But you know what, that’s the only time in the episode where anything feels /off/.  Sorry dudes. 

Doctor Blaine

**sigh** This scene.  This poor, little scene that had the weight of a thousand things on it -- the rumors that Blaine wanted to be a doctor, people speculating about Chris’s acting, the fact that there’s no kiss in this episode, the frustration that Klaine hasn’t had full focus since Love Love Love The First Time Season 2, the awkward directing and slightly awkward writing.  You know what I’m gonna say about it? It’s Not. That. Bad.  Take off all that weight, and it’s a fine little scene that I don’t think deserves as much crap as it gets.  So here we go. 

We open with Kurt helping Blaine pick out his wardrobe for his audition - it’s been speculated before that Kurt helps him with this, so I don’t think this anything out of the norm, tbh.  And then Blaine gets weird - and Kurt notices.  

It’s a little strange that Kurt jumps straight into thinking Blaine might have cheated on him again (though I don’t think this is as serious a worry) the sex addiction joke is indeed a joke.  (Though can we talk about the fact that he went straight to sex addiction - how much sex do these two have?) But I do think regaining trust is still a little bit of an issue with Kurt.  No, they didn’t fully talk through their issues with the first break up.  (I mean, this baggage does carry through the season.)  Sometimes the pull of -- I wanna be with you again doesn’t fix things that went wrong in the first place.  

I will say, though, that throughout the first part of this season, Kurt does make an effort to support and communicate with Blaine - something that was missing in the beginning of season 4.  

Alright so Blaine talks about maybe doing something else with his life that isn’t about performance.  (Which as an aside I think is an OKAY thing to do.  If Blaine wanted to be a doctor, he could have been a doctor -- I’ll argue with y’all about it on the podcast.)  

But Kurt here is not trying to push Blaine into anything.  He’s reminding Blaine that they’ve both talked about being performers since forever.  And he knows Blaine well enough that he knows when Blaine is nervous or scared about something.  So what does he do?  He tells him how awesome he is.  

I mean really.  Besides being a little Full House-cheesy, it’s a nice little speech from Kurt to Blaine -- about how even if Blaine fails, Kurt will be right there with him, and they’ll support each other, and Kurt tells Blaine how amazing he is no matter what he does.  I mean, that’s pretty sweet, right?  

But SO - what about in Tested when....you know what, I’ll talk about that when we get to Tested.  But SO what about the second break-up....I’ll talk about that in Loser Like Me.  

Listen - right now, in this scene, I believe everything Kurt’s saying is sincere and from the heart - there is no reason to doubt that.  And what Kurt says to Blaine is that they’re in this together, and they’re certainly going to have various fuck-ups along the way still, but they love each other and that will always prevail.  Okay?

[Okay I couldn’t get a nice shot of the hug so this is after.]

Okay, so the lack of kissing in this scene.  **sigh** Okay.  A) there’s not a lack of physicality -- Kurt hold’s Blaine’s hand, they hug, the whole shoulder rub is slightly weird, and I would have blocked the scene a little differently to make it slightly more intimate, but I wouldn’t say this is bad B) narratively - the lack of kissing doesn’t seem out of place.  I wouldn’t even say this was like Dance With Somebody, which did feel like it needed a kiss to resolve the relationship issue. This isn’t an issue with their relationship - it’s an issue with Blaine’s insecurity about his future.  

And I mean look at how this scene is laid out - they’re prepping Blaine’s audition, stop to have a heart to heart, and then continue prepping Blaine’s audition.  That seems pretty normal to me.  Stopping in the middle to go have sex seems -- a little like fanfiction. 

Okay, so unpopular opinion time -- I didn’t need every Klaine story to be about sex - and sometimes I feel/felt like fandoms sole focus was on sex and physical attention.  Look, I’d be right there enjoying myself popcorn and all if they had a full episode of making out -- these boys are hot, yo.  But I do appreciate when we get story lines and stories about Kurt and Blaine dealing with their individual issues together (which we really didn’t get a whole lot of in the entire series).  

I get the frustration of the time, I do.  And I always want more everything - but I can see why this scene and episode are the way they are and I don’t hate it for it.  

Anyway -- they pick back up with the audition prepping and Kurt’s gonna have Santana do Blaine’s make-up.  Which leads to a minor lament from me.  This little beat is so hilarious - I wish that Chris and Darren had been able to do more funny Klaine scenes, because both boys are excellent with comedy, and there’s just not enough of it in the show.  

Just the Way You Are

Let’s take a second and think about the fact that Blaine bought a piano for the loft.  I mean what?!?  Also hilarious is Santana’s reaction -- and the fact that Kurt’s not having any of her shit -- that piano is staying.  

Also - Kurt is supportive of just not Blaine in this episode! He also tells Sam he’s concerned about this whole House of Bichette thing - and that he should be healthy even if he wants to be a model.  

Which of course leads to the theme of the episode -- being who you are, and what’s a perfect song for that? Well, Billy Joel’s Just The Way You Are - of course! 

I love how excited Kurt is when Blaine gets up to sing.  

How Kurt looks at Blaine while he’s singing.  

Their lines together: 

Blaine and Kurt: I said I love you Blaine: That's forever (Kurt: Forever) Blaine and Kurt: And this I promise from the heart Hmm, hmm, hmm

I mean - that speaks for itself, right? 

They are all so adorable on this song.  It’s one of my favorite minor group songs because they all sound so good on it. 

Look - I do wish there had been more than three Klaine scenes in this episode (I mean, that’s it for Kurt in this episode).  I wish Kurt and Blaine had gotten way more in terms of story throughout the show (no one but Rachel really had solid, full stories in the show).  I do think some criticisms are completely valid (looking at you second break up resolution).  But I also still enjoy the show, and even though I can nitpick all the tiny things, I can’t really change anything so I’m just going to sit back and enjoy the show just the way it is. 

See what I did there -- har har I’m so clever.  ;) <3