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artsoupsoupart · 5 years ago

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Chrave Fic: A Night In

Title: A Night In

Pairing: Raven and Chelsea

Rating: M

Disclaimer: I don’t own any of the characters or ideas to That’s so Raven or Raven’s Home.

A/N: I have no shame for writing this lol. This not my first fic ever, but my first time writing something in a LONG time. I wanted to have this up on Valentine's Day, but I never make the deadlines I set for myself lol. I've recently started to kinda ship these two bc of some posts i saw on tumblr and this story came from it. Also, I’m lanassupport group on here, but on Ao3 I’m artsoupsoupart.... it’ll probably always be like that.

Read on Ao3: https://archiveofourown.org/works/22822261

It’s not too often that they get nights like this, where the house is quiet, candle light bouncing off the walls, smooth jazz playing on the stereo, utter peace and serenity. The kids, all four, are gone for the weekend on a school trip to Washington D.C., and while there is a certain sadness about their apartment not being filled with the sounds of video games being played or practiced steps for a music video, the two moms can’t help but feel absolutely relaxed and content.

Raven and Chelsea make their way to the kitchen hand in hand, both clad in satin pajamas after an eventful bubble bath. Chelsea’s emerald green teddy pairs well against her fair skin and ember hair while Raven dons a two piece pants set, in a fabulous blush pink and gold pattern.

They sit down at the moveable island in the middle of their kitchen where their dessert is spread out. They had moved the stools from the partition that separates the living room from the kitchen in order to feel a bit closer to each other. Chelsea’s the first the break into a marvelous smile and she nudges Raven with her shoulder. She receives a small chuckle from the other woman and a squeeze of her hand.

“Wow, Rae, I think I could get used to this.”

“Only for you. Though, the kids are definitely going to be back sooner than we expect.”

The redhead grimaces a little, a frown forming on her face. “Yeah!”

“You miss them, don’t you?”

“No, no, no!” Her eyes widen as she fibs. “Psh... we’ve been so relaxed and been able to focus on each other. It’s.... great.”

Raven smirks at her best friend, lips pursing. “But you miss them.”

“Oh God, yes, Rae!” The two break out into a laugh. Chelsea continues. “So.... what have you prepared for me now?”

This was all Raven’s doing, the ambiance, the dinner, the hot bubble bath. It’s been her motivation to show Chelsea how much she truly cares for her. She felt as though, for so long, she didn’t really value Chelsea’s company or even the work that she does around the house. Raven vowed to herself and to any God that may have been listening at the time, that she would never take Chelsea for granted, never wonder when she’d finally not burn a meal, when she’d contribute to the rent, because the redhead delivered so much more.

She delivered love and compassion, a dizziness that only Chelsea Daniels-turned-Grayson could ever produce. It was beautiful. There were moments, whether with the children or not, that Chelsea brought an entirely different view to whatever Raven or the kids were going through.

“Well, we first have a mini-sweet treat.”

The dark-haired beauty brought forth a plate of toasted bread and sweet apple jam. She took a small slice with a scoop on it and held it up to rosy lips. Chelsea took a bite with a soft hum and Raven couldn’t help but follow her lead. The moan was beautiful, almost intoxicating to the point where she needed more.

“That’s delicious! What is it?” she asked. Raven told her, let her know exactly where she brought the bread and jam and the brand name. Her eyes never left Chelsea’s face though. They focused on the way dark eyelashes fluttered, the way her pink tongue poked out to capture the remaining jam on her list. All Raven felt was lust.

“Did you make this bread yourself?”

It’s a beat before she responds, still lost in her own images in her mind. “Mom taught me. It’s a special recipe that doesn’t need a lot of time for the bread to rise”

“Perfect for a late-night snack” Chelsea grins as she sees a smirk pull at the corners of her brunette lover’s mouth. Raven turns to her then she gives her a light but teasing kiss to the lips.

“You didn’t have to go through so much trouble to impress me, you know?” the redhead smiles, millimeters away from another kiss waiting for her on plump lips.

“It was no trouble. Plus, you deserve the best of the best. The finest jam and the most delicious bread.” Raven moves to move the dessert that had been baking from the oven to cool.

Chelsea responded after taking a deep whiff of the scent that surrounded her. “That smells good.”

The brunette looks up from inspecting the pie, dipping her finger in it briefly after it had cooled a bit. “Just about ready. Do you want a taste?”

Chelsea leans over and captures the covered finger between her lips. She hums as she pulls away, making sure to give it a small suck when she reaches the tip.

“Mmm… that’s amazing. What’s your secret?”

“Love?”

“Aw, Rae! Good answer.”

Raven smiles at her as she removes the pie from its pan to cool better on the rack. She takes this moment to pour them both a glass of wine.

“We are surrounded by kids and work 24/7. It’s amazing and I wouldn’t trade it for anything in the world, but it does tend to mean that our moments are shared with others.” Chelsea hums in agreement, her eyes sparkling with affection that is only reserved for the raven-haired beauty in front of her. “I also like doing this for you myself… especially since you do so much.”

“It’s so sweet of you, Rae.”

Chelsea leans over and kisses her. It’s so soft yet holds so much passion behind it. If it weren’t for the dessert before them, Raven would carry her off to their bedroom immediately. Instead she returns the kiss, and another, and another, then licks her lips as she pulls away. Raven moves to plate a piece of pie and a dollop of vanilla. She puts it before her love and hands her a spoon. Chelsea grins wide and does a small happy dance as she scoops up the dessert. She raises it to her lips and takes the bite, gentle brown eyes fluttering close as the taste mixes and mingles on her tongue. She hums softly and Raven simply looks on at her.

“I hope I’m not enjoying this alone,” she smirks.

“Never, just enjoying the view.” Raven returns the smirk, mimicking Chelsea’s earlier words and picks up her spoon.

The duo sits and talks as they polish off their dessert and wine, even sneaking another scoop of ice cream to share. They exchange kisses and spoonfuls of the cold treat. The conversation continues on and on, flirty little jokes being passed between the two. Their dessert is long gone, two glasses, a bowl and two spoons forgotten in the small space between them as they get lost in each other’s lips. The kiss is soft, firm, but just as passionate as any other one they’ve had. It isn’t until Raven pulls away that they realize they’re still in the kitchen.

“We should move this somewhere more comfortable.” Chelsea smiles brightly, lip caught between her lips as she winks.

“I couldn’t agree more.”

Raven takes a moment to deposit their empty dishes in the sink, that was tomorrow’s problem, and put away the leftover ice cream so that is doesn’t melt. She rounds back around to her best friend and takes her hand, leading her to their bedroom.

They barely make it, lips locking just as the door opens and they stumble in. Raven kicks it closed with her foot and walks the redhead back to the bed where they fall into a fit of giggles. Hazel eyes meet brown and Raven’s hands find Chelsea’s waist while the other woman’s push a lock of ebony hair behind her ear. They look at each other for a moment, the briefest of seconds before capturing the others lips all over again, this time with a renewed fever.

Raven’s hands make their way under the Chelsea’s night gown, fingertips dipping against unusually warm skin (the woman was usually freezing cold). She gives her waist a light squeeze before grabbing the fabric in her hands and pulling it upward. Chelsea shifts, assisting in getting the pesky clothing off. Her lips reconnect back to her love’s, moving to her chin then down her neck. She focuses on a spot, just above Raven’s collarbone, eliciting a low moan from the brunette. Pink lips smile against skin as she makes her way lower and lower, removing pants to find nothing underneath (a sight that has her gasping), but skipping over where Raven wanted her most.

The brunette whimpers in protest. “Tease,” she breathes out.

Chelsea frowns playfully at that, clicks her tongue and takes a swipe of her girlfriend’s warm center. It elicits the exact response she wants, a slightly loud whisper and a small twitch. She does it again, slower this time, and again, and again until Raven is pent up, hips desperately rolling for more friction. Chelsea tosses her hair over her should and she props herself up on one forearm, sending a dazzling smile up to Raven. She holds up two fingers to brown lips and Raven follows her silent directions, wetting the digits with her mouth.

“Good girl, Rae,” the redhead whispers as she slides slim fingers into her girlfriend, her pace torturously slow.

Raven makes the comment again and her girlfriend throws her a look saying Patience, Rae. She doesn’t make her wait too long as she increases the speed of her fingers, curls them upwards, pressing them at just the right angle. Raven moves with her, her own breathing becoming rapid. She’s on the brink of her orgasm, Chelsea can feel it, has learned her body so well in the past two years. Pink lips attach themselves to a throbbing clit and sucks to the beat of her heart and Raven’s hips roll against her mouth. Moans and gasps and whimpers fill the air. The brunette grabs at the sheets, grunts, pleads, and Chelsea has no problem giving her exactly what she wants. Her body tenses and she gasps, losing control of herself as she releases.

Chelsea lets her ride out her orgasm, smiling and humming as she massages her girlfriend down. She places a lasting kiss to her core before feeling hands pull her upwards. Raven instantly finds her; hands raising to cup her face and smash their lips together. The taste of herself on Chelsea’s lips make her hum hungrily. She turns them so that they’re on their sides, a single hand reaching to stroke down a fair leg to toss over her hip. They’re a tangle of legs and kiss, of arms and caresses. She wedges her hand in the small space between them and feels just how ready Chelsea is, how she always is when she starts them off.

Had they not been in the position they were, Raven would have placed persistent kisses to the redhead’s core. Tangled together, she simply stokes at her girlfriend’s pussy, the wet heat causing her to let out a moan of her own. It’s intoxicating, she’s intoxicating. She moves her hand back and forth back and forth, rubbing, caressing, stroking. She captures Chelsea’s swollen bud between her fingers and circles it gently, adding pressure when she hears the grunt that comes from the woman against her. Her lips take Chelsea’s and she kisses her while moving her own hips in time with her fingers. It is when she dips two then three fingers into her warm center that she gets the loud groan she’s been dying to hear all night. It’s her favorite sound, one that spurs her on, gives her the fever she so desperately desires. Chelsea herself gets her bearings and snakes her hand between the two of them.

“With me,” is all the redhead can grunt out.

Raven had been rocking against her and hadn’t been expecting the joining of her love. She accepted slim fingers willingly, nods her head as she tips the redhead’s chin up to connect her lips to a pulsing pressure point in her neck. The moans coming from the other woman have her wetter than ever. Stroke after stroke after stroke has both women clinging to each other, gasping, whining, moaning, cursing into the air between them as they both tip over the edges of their orgasms.

They bring each other down, their breaths slowing and the lethargy starting to set in. Brown eyes meet hazel in the pale light of the moon. Smiles are exchanged, kisses too, with a side of soft caresses and murmured I love you’s. Hands find themselves around the other woman in stead of between them as they slight chill of the room starts to replace the heat of their lovemaking. They move under the covers and reconnect; final kisses being placed to plumped lips as they drift off to sleep.

When morning comes, the sun beams down on the duo. Chelsea tries to hide from it by burrowing into Raven’s back, having shifted their position during the night. The brunette murmurs they should get up, the kids will be at the school soon, they have to pick them up. All Chelsea does is groans, never a morning person, choosing to stay in bed for five more minutes.

The couple finally gets out of bed and ready for the day. Raven showers first, stating that if they did together, they’d be late. While she’s occupied Chelsea makes the bed, straightens up, cleans up the kitchen from the night before, putting things back in order. She then takes over the restroom, in her own process of getting ready.

They figure they’ll get breakfast with the kids so the forego making it themselves and head out the door to the school. Still high on their weekend alone, they trade kisses until Chelsea notices the large charter bus pull into the parking lot. Raven pops the trunk and the two of them get out to greet their children.

It’s a rush, a rapid change from the calm from the past two days but they smile anyway as Booker already starts recounting the weekend, help the kids put their bags in the trunk. The four of them squish into the back seat and Raven and Chelsea return to their front. They share a look before pulling out of the parking lot and making their way back to the apartment, back to normal.

#raven x chelsea #chelsea daniels #raven baxter #chrave #raven's home #that's so raven #ravens home #thats so raven #fic

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starlingsrps · 2 years ago

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my favorite color.

that adam can smell the vodka coming out of eve’s yeti doesn’t bode well for the drive to vallejo or the rest of the day. it’s barely nine am on memorial day and sure, some could consider it a drinking holiday but it does seem a little early.

“uh, evie?” he asks as she takes a slug after buckling up. “did you eat something first?”

she shoots him a look. “i had yogurt.”

“and is that vodka and vodka or…?”

“la croix.”

he raises his eyebrows and nods slowly. “cool. take it easy, okay? no repeats of easter.”

she rolls her eyes. “fuck off. that was food poisoning.”

he backs out of her driveway and pulls into traffic. “oh, sure. mimosa poisoning.”

“i said fuck off.” she shoves the yeti into a cup holder. “are we picking up your boytoy or what?”

he rolls his eyes but keeps them on the road. “yes.”

eve makes kissing noises and he cranks up the radio to shut her up. grady only lives a few

blocks from eve and it’s still far too long. somewhere along the line, grady went from something neatly categorized to something more complicated that he doesn’t think he minds. it’s fun though. they’re just having fun and seeing where it goes and it turns out to be nothing, adam has spent six months doing worse things.

jazz piano intensive. the guy who thought he was the reincarnation of lord byron. highlights. he’s definitely made worse decisions.

if his heart does a gross wet flop when grady slinks out of his front door wearing sunglasses and a carly rae jepsen t shirt with the arms cut off, that’s no one’s business but his. between the three of them, he imagines they almost make one functioning heterosexual. he has a backpack slung over his shoulder and shuffles his way to the curb as though he’s a thousand years old and to move any faster would shatter his bones.

finally, grady slides into the backseat with a moan and the sound of clinking glass. “it’s too fucking early,” he whines, setting the backpack on the seat next to him. “wake me when we get there.”

adam nods towards the backpack. “what the hell is that?”

“beer.”

“in a backpack?”

he shrugs.

“are you nineteen? are you nineteen and we’re going to a frat party?”

he lifts his sunglasses and sends him the same dark look eve did earlier. “yes adam,” he says sarcastically. “i’m nineteen and we’re going to a frat party.”

“you two are going to kill me.”

“i don’t have a cooler.”

adam decides to not dignify that with a response and pulls into traffic. both of his passengers are quiet (though he hears a muffle bottle cap pop in the backseat before they’re halfway over the bridge), giving adam time to continue emotionally preparing for the day ahead. eve skates through most family events by being barely sober and grady is chaotically charming enough that he’s sure there won’t be any issues there.

it’s himself he worries about. being back in vallejo sends him right back to seventeen, deep in the closet and getting hammered on gus’ roof. he’d had plenty of beer in backpack moments himself, half out of survival and half just because he could. eve tells him that he gets bitchy after more than an hour in their childhood home and she’s right - and he hates admitting when eve is right.

so he doesn’t.

he parks behind stephanie’s giant mom-mobile and eve slinks out, her straw rattling in an already empty yeti, in search of a refill. “hey, one sec,” he says, calling grady around to his side of the car. he quickly unbuttons his shirt and hands it to him when he comes around.

“seriously?” grady asks after rolling his eyes.

“leah’s husband is a waste of oxygen,” he says, tucking his plain white t-shirt into his belt in an effort to make it look like he did this on purpose. “saving you a day of ‘call me maybe’ jokes and frat house inspired homophobia, i promise.”

grady rolls his eyes but gingerly sets down his backpack of beer to shrug into the shirt. “you’re so fucking weird. they know you’re gay, right? fuck, did you invite me to your coming out party because i swear to god-“

“i came out when i was seventeen,” adam says. “give me some credit.”

“well then,” he finishes buttoning, leaving a trace of carly rae’s face visible, and places his hands on adam’s shoulders. his face is solemn. “fuck ‘em.”

it’s the nicest thing adam thinks anyone can say to him today.

#type: writing #s: adam x grady

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deadcactuswalking · 5 years ago

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REVIEWING THE CHARTS: 3rd November 2019

I apologise for how late this will probably end up being posted, but we have a big week to talk about, with EIGHT new arrivals, two from Selena Gomez, three from Kanye West and two appearing here in the top 10 so I’m just going to get through everything as soon as possible to the best of my ability, although this week has several...mishaps on the BBC page to say the least, so I’ll try to correct them if I can, and I have had to wait for my week of non-stop Weezer listening to end or for me to accidentally slip up and listen to something else so I could actually write about the new arrivals here.

Top 10

Interestingly, none of the nonsense that this chart week ensued seems to appear in the top 2 or shake the #1 at all, as “Dance Monkey” by Tones and I is at its fifth consecutive week at the top of the UK Singles Chart.

“Ride It” by Regard featuring Jay Sean – well, it’s actually a remix of a Jay Sean single but just let me relish in the fact Jay Sean is on the charts again – isn’t moving either at number-two, the runner-up spot.

The first impact that we can see at the top level of the charts is the debut at #3 for Selena Gomez’s first US #1 “Lose You to Love Me”, which the BBC has interestingly misspelled as “Loose You to Love Me”, her 13th UK Top 40 hit, fourth top 10 and highest-peaking song ever, after “It Ain’t Me” with Kygo peaked at #7. We’ll talk more about Selena Gomez’s two new arrivals later.

Thanks to Gomez, Post Malone’s “Circles” is down one spot to number-four.

At number-five is Ed Sheeran with “South of the Border” featuring Camila Cabello and Cardi B, down three spots this week to number-five.

We have our second new arrival within the top 10, at number-six, “Follow God” by Kanye West from his ninth studio album, JESUS IS KING. He has several songs debuting here in the UK Top 40 this week, so we’ll talk more in-depth about his mini-album bomb later on, but this is his 44th UK Top 40 hit, which is crazy impressive, and his 20th top 10.

At number-seven, boosted up 11 spots by an Ariana Grande remix, is Lizzo with “Good as Hell”, making it officially her biggest song in the UK and her first top 10 hit, as well as Grande’s 16th.

Up two spaces to number-eight this week is “Memories” by Maroon 5.

Down two spaces from last week, we have Dermot Kennedy at number-nine with “Outnumbered”.

Finally, at #10, to round off the top 10, we have Lewis Capaldi’s “Bruises” down four spaces from last week.

Climbers

Naturally, there aren’t many climbers here because of the album bomb and influx of new arrivals, but we do have some unfortunate boosts for “hot girl bummer” by blackbear up five spaces to #25... and that’s all.

Fallers

Fallers on the other hand... we could split this up into genre, actually.

For pop, rock and EDM, we can start with “Lights Up” by Harry Styles deservedly flopping six spaces down to #17, then continue with “10,000 Hours” by Dan + Shay and Justin Bieber down 12 to #29, “Higher Love” by Kygo and Whitney Houston down eight to #31, “Sorry” by Joel Corry featuring uncredited vocals from Hayley May down 10 to #32 and finally “Don’t Call Me Angel” by Ariana Grande featuring Miley Cyrus and Lana Del Rey down 13 to #39 – but that’s not all.

For hip hop and R&B, we have “HIGHEST IN THE ROOM” by Travis Scott down seven to #12, “Be Honest” by Jorja Smith and Burna Boy down five to #14, “Professor X” by Dave down seven to #21, “Take Me Back to London” by Ed Sheeran featuring Stormzy and remixed by Sir Spyro featuring Aitch and Jaykae down nine to #28, “Playing Games” by Summer Walker down nine to #33, “Ladbroke Grove” by AJ Tracey down 10 to #35 and finally, “Taste (Make it Shake)” by Aitch down nine to #39... but again, that’s not all.

Dropouts & Returning Entries

We have no returning entries but we sure do have a lot of dropouts, some of them genuine hits such as “Strike a Pose” by Young T & Bugsey and Aitch out from #36 and “Beautiful People” by Ed Sheeran featuring Khalid out from #39, hits that never really hit the landing with the British general public but have been on the middling section of the charts for a while and could easily rebound like “Motivation” by Normani out from #27, “Truth Hurts” by Lizzo and remixed by DaBaby from #31, “frick, i’m lonely” by LAUV and Anne-Marie out from #32 and “Lalala” by Y2K and bbno$ and remixed by Carly Rae Jepsen and Enrique Iglesias out from #37, as well as some genuinely premature drop-outs such as “Graveyard” by Halsey out from #29 and finally, “47” by Sidhu Moose Wala, MIST, Steel Banglez and Stefflon Don out from #38. Now, finally, after all that time spent on stray UK Top 40 observations... let’s talk about Kanye.

ALBUM BOMB: Kanye West – JESUS IS KING

On October 25th, Kanye released his ninth studio album, JESUS IS KING, after missing several release dates and changing name from YANDHI. Kanye, a now born-again Christian, makes a “gospel” album free of any explicit lyrics, accompanied by a short film of the same name. It features an all-star guest list of vocalists and producers, including frequent collaborators Ant Clemons, Benny Blanco and Mike Dean, the reunion of legendary rap group Clipse, trap beat-makers Pi’erre Bourne and Ronny J, and smooth jazz saxophonist Kenny G. Obviously, it went #1 in the US, #2 here, but to mixed reviews – now, I won’t be focusing on the politics that surround the album and I am not very knowledgeable of religion so I cannot really comment on much beyond my understanding of Christianity and arguably more importantly, the lore of Kanye West. Mark Grondin of Spectrum Pulse already quoted more Bible quotes in his album review than I could remember digits of pi, and several people, like DeadEndHipHop, Sean Cee and even Anthony Fantano, whether you like them or not, have made several in-depth discussion videos about whether West’s sudden revelation is a genuine moment for the rapper, a mental breakdown or a cash-grab. I’m here to discuss the music... but even that’s not very good. I wrote a very lengthy review for the album two days after it came out (And before it went through an additional few fixes for mixing quirks, sigh) which will be linked here if I remember, and overall, it was disappointing, a light 4/10 and easily the worst record in West’s discography. Regardless, let’s talk about the debuts here.

#20 – “Closed on Sunday” – Kanye West

Produced by Kanye West, Angel Lopez, Brian “AllDay” Miller, Federico Vindver and Timbaland – Peaked at #17 in the US

Features uncredited vocals from the Sunday Service choir and A$AP Bari(?)

The most memeable yet also one of the most detestable tracks on the album, this is his 45th UK Top 40 hit. “Closed on Sunday” was one of the few tracks set to fail off the pure concept, as the biggest issue with most songs on JESUS IS KING is the lack of development or complete mishandling of great ideas, to the point where there basically is no effort to, you know, write a song here. “Closed on Sunday” is essentially one verse split into half due to a flow switch at the midpoint, and despite a runtime of only two minutes and 32 seconds, it drones on endlessly, with a solemn guitar melody leading into what could sound like a pretty cool, dark ballad, built up by the choir vocalising in harmonies that sound actually pretty great but then the 808s come in and ruin any sense of harmony. Kanye comes in with some of the worst mixing I’ve ever heard vocals have, especially on an album with the budget Kanye has, with a lot of background noise and I can even hear the buttons pressed on the phone or other device Kanye is using to record at about 0:38, which signals a drastic change in how the vocals are mixed, but it’s still shoddy and allows them to have some pretty severe clipping during the “chorus”, until a sudden shift where a turgid beeping sound works as a pathetic excuse for you know, an actual synth, and until now, Kanye’s vocals have not had reverb or Auto-Tune added onto them, so his vocals being drenched in effects actually sounds great here... but he still has a sore throat and sounds like he’s struggling here, although unlike “God Is” and just about the entirety of 808s & Heartbreak, where it adds to the emotive performance, Kanye sounds bored and with no choir backing him like they could have been, the release here just isn’t as cinematic as it could be and it just sounds like a melodramatic Kanye aimlessly spouting random Bible motifs over 808s without taking his daily Dequadin lozenge... and there are no drums... ever. Oh, and A$AP Bari comes in at the end to shout “Chick-fil-A”, abruptly interrupting the beat’s natural progression and making it clear as day that the album is unfinished. Also, speaking of those lyrics, should you really be comparing YOURSELF to a fast food restaurant that donates charity to anti-LGBT hate and pressure groups? That’s not very Christ-like, Ye. It probably wouldn’t matter if they didn’t either, because a thinly-veiled Taylor Swift reference (Yes, I know the Bible mentions “snakes” and “vipers” as much as reputation does, but the two aren’t on good terms so it’s no coincidence in my opinion) and calling God your “number-one with the lemonade” don’t exactly make you sound like a wordsmith. Oh, and A$AP Bari, the uncredited vocalist on the outro, pleaded guilty to sexual assault earlier this year, which again doesn’t exactly sound like a Christ-like thing to be supporting either... but I digress. The version he performed on Jimmy Kimmel with a genuine choir backing him and a brass band is miles ahead of this, so don’t bother with this version, or better yet, don’t bother with this monotonous crap at all.

#19 – “Selah” – Kanye West

Produced by Kanye West, E*vax, BoogzDaBeast, Federico Vindver, benny blanco and Francis Starlite – Peaked at #19 in the US

Features uncredited vocals from the Sunday Service choir, Ant Clemons and Bongo ByTheWay

Now, I’m slightly more positive on his 46th UK Top 40 hit, “Selah”, the opening track (Aside from the short “Every Hour” interlude / intro track which is only Sunday Service) of JESUS IS KING, yet that might actually make it more frustrating and it’s easily the track I come back the least to because overall, it’s actually pretty uninteresting and doesn’t have a true “hook”. It starts with some cloudy synth noodling that sounds kind of cool with the subtle strings but then Kanye comes in with some pretty awfully-mixed vocals that is incredibly unprofessional, teasing his fans for wanting YANDHI, and saying it was coming before “Jesus Christ did the laundry”, and quoting John 8:33 to excuse his “Slavery is a choice” comment, which he’s been trying to respond to the backlash to for about a year and a half now, failing each time. Also:

Pour the lean out slower

Hold up –that ain’t Christ-like. The explosions of marching band drums come in in a similar fashion to “Feel the Love” off of KIDS SEE GHOSTS, and then honestly the bridge, which is insanely repetitive but builds up tension perfectly with Ant Clemons and the Sunday Service choir repeating “Hallelujah” incessantly with distant guitar strings, handclaps and sudden pitch shifts reflecting the change in Kanye’s mindset and the intensity soon becomes a lot more ramped up from now on, finishing the bridge with a pretty beautiful vocal line that the 808s hilariously harmonise with. Then, Kanye comes back in with a verse co-written by Pusha T, and you can REALLY tell, and it’s still awfully-mixed, when there’s no true excuse. He’s drowned out by the bursts of drums and bass as well as the choir’s recurring vocal sample. The best part of the song soon kind of fizzles out in a chaotic outro, in which fireworks literally go off while Kanye screams nonsense as well as “Yeezus” which isn’t exactly Christ-like, but it sounds insane and honestly a tad odd and unfitting for the album, which is supposed to be an uptempo Christian rap album? While there are parts of this song I don’t approve of, especially Kanye, who ruins pretty much every song he’s on... on his own album, this is pretty tolerable, albeit somewhat contradictory lyrically and far from my favourite Kanye track. At least there’s some grandiosity and emotion here.

#6 – “Follow God” – Kanye West

Produced by Kanye West, BoogszDaBeast and Xcelence – Peaked at #7 in the US

I should be thankful for the grandiosity and emotion behind “Selah”, because this sure doesn’t have any of that. How the HELL does this have three producers? How on Earth does this album have 11 people on the mixing and mastering and yet this still sound like absolute gutter trash in my headphones? “Follow God” is easily the least interesting song on the JESUS IS KING album, and that’s pretty impressive for a record that contains the song “Water” with Ant Clemons, yet it’s the biggest and I don’t see why at all. There straight-up isn’t a chorus by any meaning of the word, or its many synonyms, and its dated production almost resembling 90s hip hop in the soul sample from 1974’s “Can You Lose by Following God” by Whole Truth and the genuine 90s groove and funk that is somewhere here in the beat, doesn’t exactly make it sound like a catchy trap banger that would reach the US top 10 in 2019, but it’s there. It’s called by many fans a spiritual successor to 2016’s “Father Stretch My Hands” from The Life of Pablo but other than using the lyric “Father, I stretch my hands”, I don’t see it, mostly because the 2016 effort doesn’t actually have much relation to Christianity outside of the beautiful gospel choir harmonising with Caroline Shaw on the bridge of that single. In fact, that song does a better job at flipping Christian rap on its head – it’s a two-part trap banger featuring verses from Desiigner and lines about... bleached posteriors. This song on the other hand is only one minute and 44 seconds, with one badly-mixed and distorted verse from Kanye that is as repetitive as the mind-numbing recurring “Yeah” vocal sample and prone to making me roll my eyes with its one verse and the... outro of sorts. But since this beat is so minimalistic, surely he wants us to hear what he’s saying, right? Well, no, probably not, because not only is his “wordplay”(?) and half-rhymes embarrassing, but I have so many questions to raise to this drum pattern. I want to interview the 808 and the kick drum and ask what the heck they think they’re doing.

People really know you, push your buttons like type-write

That’s not a sentence. “Like type-write”? Excuse my brief, unsubtle blasphemy, but Jesus.

Every single night, right? Every single fight, right?

The ‘i’-based rhyme scheme here is cool in concept and he finds his way around it pretty well, in a fast-paced rap flow that I actually really like, but it reeks of laziness, especially since not only does he completely abandon the rhyme scheme 55 seconds in but – yes, I counted – his verse is 69 seconds, that’s one minute and nine seconds. To put into perspective, Rick Ross’ verse on “Devil in a New Dress” off of Kanye’s 2010 album My Beautiful Dark Twisted Fantasy is one minute and 28 seconds, only twenty seconds longer than this one, and it includes ten times as much clever wordplay, story-telling, interesting flow switches and bars that are really epic, making the song feel really celebratory of sorts actually – and that’s without the epic guitar solo that precedes it. What a fantastic song. On the other hand, this song is substance-less and Kanye says very little of anything despite how much he crams into every bar in the rapid yet sometimes pretty awkward flow. What he’s supposed to be discussing is his situation with his father and how when he was yelling at him and having a massive argument and fall-out, Ray West told him, it wasn’t Christ-like, leading to a revelation and possibly becoming the catalyst for the already-kickstarted Christian rebirth. Surely, his dad and God are the two most important men in his life, right? Then why does this feel passionless and boring? Why doesn’t this feel genuine? Fellow Christian rapper NF, a white rapper who makes bland piano-lead pop-rap with sung hooks, would call this flavourless, dull and more importantly, grey. It doesn’t feel blue and gold like he wants it to as he uses the colours to imply royalty, luxury and loyalty to God on the album cover and lyric video. This doesn’t show loyalty. You made this in five minutes, Kanye. You made this on a whim because you had an idea and you ran with it but you had no idea on how to actually develop it into something interesting or even listenable. What part of this shows royalty, luxury and a rich, graceful connection with God? This sounds cheap and gross, and frankly incredibly disappointing from such a talented artist. I haven’t even gotten onto the rest of the song, man, and I don’t even want to. “Decimal” doesn’t rhyme with “wrestle”, Kanye. “Wrestlin’ with God, I don’t even want to wrestle”? That’s the deepest you want to go into your confusion and conflict between Christianity and fame? That’s pathetic, as is the random screaming at the end of this track for quirky or emotive bonus points. There’s nothing lifelike or Christ-like about your lifestyle, Kanye West. Get some help.

NEW ARRIVALS

#34 – “Nice to Meet Ya” – Niall Horan

Produced by Julian Bunetta – Peaked at #9 in Ireland and #83 in the US

Sorry to any of the Niall Horan fans who crashed his website when this single was announced, but I have considerably less to say about the rest of these new arrivals than I do about Kanye West and/or Jesus Christ. I have to talk about them regardless of if I have anything I can actually add, and this one is one I’ve actually already heard since I watched the MTV EMAs and he performed it. I thought nothing of it initially, but this is the Irishman from One Direction’s comeback single after his debut studio album Flicker. This is Horan’s third UK Top 40 hit and first since 2017’s “Too Much to Ask” which peaked at #24, and I did not expect this shift to late 90s and early 2000s dance-rock, but I am definitely not complaining. It starts with a catchy piano line that’s pretty Robbie Williams-esque, then the drop comes in and it is killer. The sleek synths decorating the rock drums in a lot of slickness that you wouldn’t expect out of such a meek stage presence add to the chorus pretty well, but the best part of that chorus is the distant pitch-shifted vocal sample yelling in the background, making it feel even more industrial which again is out of character for Niall, the quiet, shy folk boy, but he definitely has the charisma to pull off this type of swaggering, stomping pop rock anthem, and he proves that in the sing-along bridge, where even his murmuring hums stand out, and while he’s drowned out by the cool bassline and drum pattern most of the time, his vocal delivery really is the highlight of the song, even if that is equally vintage and in a way, pretty nostalgic for the era it replicates. Funnily enough, it has the same lack of care for organised structure that “Lights Up” by Harry Styles had just two weeks ago, but the careless, reckless groove of this song works a lot more in Horan’s favour than Styles’. Just saying.

#27 – “Orphans” – Coldplay

Produced by Rik Simpson, Dan Green, Bill Rahko, Max Martin, Angel Lopez and Federico Vindver – Peaked at #14 in Scotland

Coldplay, with their most recent upcoming album Everyday Life, are getting pretty experimental. It’s an hour-long double-album kept a secret until a month before it is set to release featuring a track list full of songs that have odd stylisations like “BrokEn” and share song names with Arabic poems. “Arabesque”, the B-side to “Orphans”, is a storm of nu-jazz trumpets with a Fela Kuti-inspired breakdown and uncredited guest vocals from Stromae, as well as profanity, which is a first for the band. I’m not surprised at all that one didn’t kick off but we are instead left with their 24th UK Top 40 hit and first since “Something Just Like This” with the Chainsmokers peaked at #2 in 2017, “Orphans”, which is a lot tamer of a track to say the least. That doesn’t mean it’s any worse though. It starts with a kids’ choir singing before we get into a tropical rock jam with a funky bassline that I wouldn’t be surprised if Flea wrote, it’s that tight. Chris Martin sounds as focused on Christianity as he did on the Avicii album earlier this year, directly name-dropping Heaven in the first verse, and then joining in with the nonsense words that the vocal samples had been repeating prior to the verse. The chorus is pretty reminiscent of arena rock, specifically “Paradise” I feel as it has that same nasal falsetto but in a lot more palatable fashion, mostly because this actually has groove and you know, a pulse. Yeah, this is pretty great, and I love the bridge of purely the mythical guitar and Chris Martin’s ethereal vocals. Something I didn’t notice on initial listen is how that the song is about a girl, Rosaleem, during the Damascus bombing in Syria from last year (That’s what the nonsense words and sound effects are all about), who is greeted by angels who talk to her about what Heaven will be like, which is “almond and peach trees in bloom” but also a place for her dad to get drunk and talk with his friends so he can feel young again. That’s actually pretty deep subject matter, and together with Niall Horan, I’m glad we can have some fantastic rock on the charts again. “Arabesque” is the better of the two Coldplay songs though.

#26 – “Look at Her Now” – Selena Gomez

Produced by Ian Kirkpatrick – Peaked at #7 in Slovakia and #27 in the US

Man, those last two songs were so powerful and organic, I almost want some disposable garbage to review next. It’ll just be easier. Oh, we have two Selena Gomez songs and a new AJ Tracey single to cover? Perfect, that’s just what I asked for! Yeah, this is Selena Gomez’s 14th UK Top 40 hit and it is awful, but not even close to as offensively bad “Closed on Sunday” or “Follow God” are. It’s just a mistake on all fronts. The passionless vocal samples drowned out in the background that peters out by the verse and the nothingness of the synths and a glitchy beat that abruptly kicks itself out of the mix every other second, as well as Selena Gomez’s weak, whispery vocals don’t exactly scream “passionate, boasting kiss-off” to me. The chorus is absolutely PATHETIC, if it even exists at all – I mean, it’s just a bunch of different sound effects Selena Gomez made pretty much, with her rhythmically humming as if that’s an excuse for an actual chorus with some unintelligible, stuttering and sometimes whispered repetitions of the song title as well as several “W-w-w-w-wow”s that add very little to the song and seem pretty pointless. This is mixed well for the most part, despite the synths clipping at times and Selena’s vocoder-ed ad-libs in the second chorus being way louder than anything else in the mix, but I have no idea what the composers of this song were thinking. What a trainwreck. It almost sounds like glitch-pop to be honest, it’s chaos, and if it were marketed as that maybe I’d appreciate it more, but if this is supposed to be a genuine brag to Justin Bieber asking him to see what he’s missing, he might as well have dated a robot. I think a RateYourMusic user summed it up best: “This is so monumentally mediocre that it barely even exists.”

#22 – “Floss” – AJ Tracey featuring MoStack and Not3s

Produced by The Elements and AJ Tracey

AJ Tracey is a British rapper who had his break out this year and he released his self-titled debut studio album back in February, but it now has a deluxe edition, with five extra songs, this being one of them. I wasn’t exactly impressed with the album as it’s mostly pretty bland Americanised trap fluff with only some promising elements of dancehall (“Butterflies” with Not3s and remixed by Popcaan), grime (“Horror Flick”) and UK garage (“Ladbroke Grove”, one of my favourite songs of the year) propping up whenever AJ sees fit, but it’s 48 minutes so these moments can’t carry the whole track listing. Lucky for us, he’s increased that runtime to just over an hour and included a couple more boring trap songs to listen to. Joy. This is AJ’s seventh UK Top 40 hit, MoStack’s eighth and Not3’s sixth. This song relies on a pretty sweet falsetto vocal sample under a surprisingly energetic trap beat, with some pretty nice steel pans and cowbells in addition to the skittering hi-hats and 808s. AJ Tracey is pretty okay here, but I feel with these lyrics and beat he could have gone for a faster and more impressive flow than what he brings out here. I’m still in love with his “bling-blaow” ad-lib though. MoStack is embarrassing as always, with an oddly-mixed verse and sometimes off-beat flow, with the most obvious difference between him and AJ being that there aren’t any ad-libs or multi-tracked vocals, which is mostly the same with Not3s’ non-existent and actually pretty unnecessary bridge (He should have just added to the final chorus, though his last few bars sound nice). Mo does have a pretty funny line about how you wouldn’t be able to notice him on CCTV and would confuse him with Dave though. This is better than I expected, but still nothing of interest to me. Sorry.

#3 – “Lose You to Love Me” – Selena Gomez

Produced by Mattman & Robin and FINNEAS – Peaked at #1 in the US

Now, much like Coldplay, Selena Gomez also released two lead singles, however both charted and they are drastically different to Coldplay’s, quality-wise at least. This is supposed to be the big massive smash ballad hit that hit #1 in the US, becoming her first ever song to reach that peak, but I can’t bring myself to care, because honestly, this is one of her least interesting singles she’s ever released. Out of all of her songs, including some I actually like such as “It Ain’t Me” and “Same Old Love”, this seems like one of the most unlikely #1s yet it tugs at our heartstrings with the pianos from FINNEAS, Billie Eilish’s brother and producer, and it’s about how Justin Bieber dumped her with wordplay revolving around “purpose” – wow, it’s almost like she’s talking about Justin Bieber’s ALBUM, Purpose! Ugh, her mind! Okay, I’ll stop mocking her fanbase and the general public, because this really isn’t a bad song. Selena Gomez can’t sing, so through thinly-veiled Auto-Tune, the producers cleverly multi-track her vocals to create a grand, powerhouse chorus out of the repetition of “To love, to love, yeah” and because it’s a pop ballad, the vocals can be breathy and untrained and it’s fine, right? It’s a ballad, it doesn’t need to be perfect, and hence we can take advantage of the complete lack of singing talent this person has. I don’t know, it just seems so cliché and predictable to me. You can only tell it’s a FINNEAS beat once the second verse hits and the synths get jerkier with the bass wobbles, and he usually has a pretty signature sound, so yeah, that’s the best way to put it. Or, perhaps, this song is also so monumentally mediocre that it barely even exists.

Conclusion

Again, I’m sorry this is out so late but it was a big ordeal to write, especially due to all the Kanye songs. I’ll try and get the next one out a lot sooner, I assure you, but there’s an album bomb this week too, so we’ll see about that. Anyways, the Best of the Week is going to Coldplay for “Orphans”, who just barely edged out Niall Horan, who gets the Honourable Mention, with “Nice to Meet Ya”. Worst of the Week should be obvious, in fact, it’s not going to a song, it’s going to three songs, all by Kanye West. “Saleh” isn’t all that bad, but JESUS IS KING was such an immense disappointment that I think he should be crowned Worst of the Week based on not only “Closed on Sunday” or God forbid “Follow God”, but also on principle alone. The Dishonourable Mention is going to Selena Gomez for “Look at Her Now” for being hilariously misguided in the production area, Jesus. I’m going to wrap this week up with a Top 40 ranking of the whole chart on Twitter, which I’ll try to do bi-weekly, no guarantee, so follow me there @cactusinthebank for more musical ramblings and shoddy attempts at humour, and I’ll be seeing you here again next week. Peace!

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artdjgblog · 8 years ago

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Picture Show (or, The OOPSCARS)

I derive from an area of rural Missouri (The Show Me State) where some still refer to going to see a movie at the theater as, “Going to the SHOW.”

Other than the last few World Series outcomes and the Super Bowl a few weeks prior, off the top of my head the 89th Academy Awards Best Picture envelope mix-up is the most bizarre thing I’ve seen unfold on live television. What a show! I won’t add much more as there are plenty of articles, social media swaps, insider commentary and “think pieces” on La La Land passing the Oscar to Moonlight.

However, it has me thinking of my own playful “Oops! We messed up! The real winner is ACTUALLY ... “ results with the Academy’s top prize. Or, simply the films that have stuck far more to me than others over the years. Many of the top winners are fine films, but I prefer others. And in some cases there’s a tie. In the end, awards don’t matter as we like what we like surrounded by much larger fish to fry in the oil pan of life. But, to further my self-serving at the culture buffet, there are many times the Academy nailed it (even in cases where I shamefully didn’t see all respective nominees).

For the record, extensive research and reminders would be far too exhaustive an attempt to highlight all the films I fantasy-feel should have made the Best Picture nomination cut in a given year. (That would be for another opinionated and elongated discussion.) Therefore, I’ll just stick to those picks that are stuck in true time. Also, I won’t span the entirety of the 89 awards, rather the last 50. I guess this also reveals I have catching up to do with many pictures prior to the 1970s. Not to mention a good chunk sprinkled throughout the years of this little exercise.

I’m declaring myself ineligible for the years I’ve barely seen any Best Picture nominated films or, gulp, none at all. (And from what I understand not seeing all films nominated doesn’t stop actual Oscar voters. Which, is a little weird to me.) There are even a handful of the big winners I’ve yet to see. What kind of film fan am I? (Confession: Moonlight ... I wanted to see you for months but it never worked out. Sorry. Congrats, though!) So, really, why am I doing this? Because it’s fun! It’s hard to see or remember them all, so this may help me fill in the gaps. I’m not in it for an argument. Does the “O” in OSCAR stand for OPINION or OOPS?

Motion Pictures by Neil Young, 1974

BOLD = My Vote(s) / NA = My Idiot Eyes Unseen

1967 (40th) - INELIGIBLE TO VOTE PER ONLY SEEING 2 FILMS! In the Heat of the Night (NA) Bonnie and Clyde Doctor Dolittle (NA) The Graduate (SHOULD HAVE NAILED IT!) Guess Who's Coming to Dinner (NA)

1968 (41st) - INELIGIBLE TO VOTE PER NOT SEEING ANY FILMS! Oliver! (NA) Funny Girl (NA) The Lion in Winter (NA) Rachel, Rachel (NA) Romeo and Juliet (NA)

1969 (42nd) - INELIGIBLE TO VOTE PER ONLY SEEING 2 FILMS! Midnight Cowboy Anne of the Thousand Days (NA) Butch Cassidy and the Sundance Kid Hello, Dolly! (NA) Z (NA) 1970 (43rd) Patton Airport (NA) Five Easy Pieces Love Story (NA) M*A*S*H 1971 (44th) The French Connection (NA) A Clockwork Orange Fiddler on the Roof The Last Picture Show Nicholas and Alexandra (NA) 1972 (45th) - NAILED IT! The Godfather Cabaret Deliverance The Emigrants (NA) Sounder (NA) 1973 (46th) The Sting American Graffiti Cries and Whispers (NA) The Exorcist A Touch of Class (NA) 1974 (47th) The Godfather Part II Chinatown The Conversation Lenny The Towering Inferno (NA) 1975 (48th) One Flew Over the Cuckoo's Nest Barry Lyndon Dog Day Afternoon Jaws Nashville 1976 (49th) Rocky All the President's Men Bound for Glory (NA) Network Taxi Driver 1977 (50th) - INELIGIBLE TO VOTE PER ONLY SEEING 2 FILMS! Annie Hall The Goodbye Girl (NA) Julia (NA) Star Wars (SHOULD HAVE NAILED IT!) The Turning Point (NA) 1978 (51st) - NAILED IT! The Deer Hunter Coming Home Heaven Can Wait (NA) Midnight Express An Unmarried Woman (NA) 1979 (52nd) - INELIGIBLE TO VOTE PER ONLY SEEING 1 FILM! Kramer vs. Kramer (NA) All That Jazz (NA) Apocalypse Now (SHOULD HAVE NAILED IT!) Breaking Away (NA) Norma Rae (NA) 1980 (53rd) Ordinary People Coal Miner's Daughter (NA) The Elephant Man Raging Bull Tess (NA) 1981 (54th) Chariots of Fire (NA) Atlantic City On Golden Pond Raiders of the Lost Ark Reds (NA) 1982 (55th) Gandhi E.T. the Extra-Terrestrial Missing (NA) Tootsie The Verdict (NA) 1983 (56th) - INELIGIBLE TO VOTE PER ONLY SEEING 1 FILM! Terms of Endearment The Big Chill (NA) The Dresser (NA) The Right Stuff (NA) Tender Mercies (NA) 1984 (57th) - INELIGIBLE TO VOTE PER NOT SEEING ANY FILMS! Amadeus (NA) The Killing Fields (NA) A Passage to India (NA) Places in the Heart (NA) A Soldier's Story (NA) 1985 (58th) Out of Africa (NA) The Color Purple Kiss of the Spider Woman (NA) Prizzi's Honor Witness 1986 (59th) - INELIGIBLE TO VOTE PER ONLY SEEING 2 FILMS! Platoon Children of a Lesser God (NA) Hannah and Her Sisters The Mission (NA) A Room with a View (NA) 1987 (60th) - NAILED IT! The Last Emperor Broadcast News Fatal Attraction Hope and Glory (NA) Moonstruck 1988 (61st) - INELIGIBLE TO VOTE PER ONLY SEEING 2 FILMS! Rain Man The Accidental Tourist (NA) Dangerous Liaisons (NA) Mississippi Burning Working Girl (NA) 1989 (62nd) Driving Miss Daisy Born on the Fourth of July Dead Poets Society Field of Dreams My Left Foot 1990 (63rd) - NAILED IT! / DEMANDS A TIE! Dances with Wolves Awakenings Ghost The Godfather Part III (NA) Goodfellas 1991 (64th) - NAILED IT! The Silence of the Lambs Beauty and the Beast Bugsy (NA) JFK The Prince of Tides (NA) 1992 (65th) - INELIGIBLE TO VOTE PER ONLY SEEING 1 FILM! Unforgiven (NAILED IT ANYWAY!) The Crying Game (NA) A Few Good Men (NA) Howard's End (NA) Scent of a Woman (NA) 1993 (66th) - INELIGIBLE TO VOTE PER ONLY SEEING 2 FILMS! Schindler's List (NAILED IT ANYWAY!) The Fugitive In the Name of the Father (NA) The Piano (NA) The Remains of the Day (NA) 1994 (67th) Forrest Gump Four Weddings and a Funeral (NA) Pulp Fiction Quiz Show The Shawshank Redemption 1995 (68th) - NAILED IT! / DEMANDS A TIE! Braveheart Apollo 13 Babe Il Postino: The Postman Sense and Sensibility (NA) 1996 (69th) The English Patient Fargo Jerry Maguire Secrets & Lies (NA) Shine 1997 (70th) Titanic As Good as It Gets The Full Monty (NA) Good Will Hunting L.A. Confidential (NA) 1998 (71st) Shakespeare in Love Elizabeth (NA) Life Is Beautiful Saving Private Ryan The Thin Red Line 1999 (72nd) American Beauty The Cider House Rules The Green Mile (NA) The Insider The Sixth Sense 2000 (73rd) Gladiator Chocolat Crouching Tiger, Hidden Dragon Erin Brockovich Traffic 2001 (74th) A Beautiful Mind Gosford Park (NA) In the Bedroom The Lord of the Rings: The Fellowship of the Ring Moulin Rouge! 2002 (75th) - NAILED IT! / DEMANDS A TIE! Chicago Gangs of New York The Hours (NA) The Lord of the Rings: The Two Towers The Pianist 2003 (76th) - NAILED IT! / DEMANDS A TIE! The Lord of the Rings: The Return of the King Lost in Translation Master and Commander: The Far Side of the World (NA) Mystic River Seabiscuit (NA) 2004 (77th) - NAILED IT! / DEMANDS A TIE! Million Dollar Baby The Aviator Finding Neverland Ray Sideways 2005 (78th) Crash Brokeback Mountain Capote Good Night, and Good Luck Munich 2006 (79th) - NAILED IT! The Departed Babel Letters from Iwo Jima Little Miss Sunshine The Queen (NA) 2007 (80th) - NAILED IT! / DEMANDS A TIE! No Country for Old Men Atonement (NA) Juno Michael Clayton (NA) There Will Be Blood 2008 (81st) - NAILED IT! Slumdog Millionaire The Curious Case of Benjamin Button Frost/Nixon Milk The Reader 2009 (82nd) - DEMANDS A TIE! The Hurt Locker Avatar The Blind Side District 9 An Education Inglourious Basterds Precious (NA) A Serious Man Up Up in the Air 2010 (83rd) - DEMANDS A TIE! The King's Speech 127 Hours Black Swan The Fighter Inception The Social Network Toy Story 3 True Grit Winter's Bone 2011 (84th) - DEMANDS A TIE! The Artist The Descendants Extremely Loud & Incredibly Close (NA) The Help Hugo Midnight in Paris Moneyball The Tree of Life War Horse 2012 (85th) - DEMANDS A TIE! Argo Amour Beasts of the Southern Wild Django Unchained Les Misérables (NA) Life of Pi Lincoln Silver Linings Playbook Zero Dark Thirty 2013 (86th) - DEMANDS A TIE! 12 Years a Slave American Hustle Captain Phillips (NA) Dallas Buyers Club Gravity Her Nebraska Philomena The Wolf of Wall Street 2014 (87th) - NAILED IT! / DEMANDS A TIE! Birdman American Sniper Boyhood The Grand Budapest Hotel The Imitation Game Selma The Theory of Everything Whiplash 2015 (88th) - DEMANDS A TIE! Spotlight The Big Short Bridge of Spies Brooklyn Mad Max: Fury Road The Martian The Revenant Room

-djg

#oscars #academyawards #movies #films #awards #notesonculture

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chpkns · 7 years ago

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BEST ALBUMS 2017

2017. Great year for music. Weird/terrible year for mostly everything else. You know how this works... let’s go.

Hon. Mentions: Mura Masa - Mura Masa; Everything Now - Arcade Fire; Teenage Emotions - Lil Yachty; Antisocialites - Alvvays; Ti Amo - Phoenix; Humanz - Gorillaz; Harry Styles - Harry Styles; Good for You - Amine; All American Made - Margo Price; This Old Dog - Mac Demarco’ Pleasure - Feist; Life Without Sound - Cloud Nothings; Big Fish Theory - Vince Staples; Aromanticism - Moses Sumney; Culture - Migos; More Life - Drake; Something To Tell You - HAIM; Hug of Thunder - Broken Social Scene; City of No Reply - Amber Coffman; Ctrl - SZA; Now That The Light Is Fading - Maggie Rogers; Blue Chips 7000 - Action Bronson; The Wild - Rural Alberta Advantage; American Teen - Khalid; Reputation - Taylor Swift; Run The Jewels 3 - Run The Jewels; Process - Sampha; Japandroids - Near to the Wild Heart of Life; Rainbow - Kesha

10) Half-Light - Rostam

Two things pushed the former Vampire Weekender’s debut solo album into my top ten, despite its shortcomings (that garbled dialogue section on ‘When’ almost lost it for me)... (1) I’m an all time sucker for Vampire Weekend, and this album at its best moments sounds like the very best parts of Modern Vampires, (2) BIKE DREAM. The glimmering centrepiece of a lead single might be the single best song of 2017. Although the rest of the album doesn’t quite match Bike Dream’s energy, it is airy and delightful in its own way. While Half-Light misses the boldness of a frontman like Ezra Koenig (busy with his own vanity projects at the moment) or any of the superstars that Rostam Batmanglij has worked with since parting ways with VW (Frank Ocean, Hamilton Leithauser, Carly Rae Jepsen, among others), there is an undeniable charm to the tentativeness of Rostam’s voice as he takes centre stage for the first time. A worthy solo debut.

Highlights: Bike Dream, Gwan, When, Wood, Thatch Snow

9) Funk Wav Bounces, Vol. 1 - Calvin Harris

Funk Wav Bounces Vol. 1 is the Scottish DJ’s first Post-Swift album and the closest thing 2017 had to an official summer soundtrack. Harris reinvented himself, trading in the club for the beach and teaming up with a cadre of collaborators from established hip-hop stars (Migos, Pharell, Nicki Minaj) and rising stars (Khalid, Lil Yachty and Toronto’s own Jessie Reyez). Harris displays his talents as curator on Funk Wav Bounces, matching each track to just the right combination of guest artists with often inspired combinations (Frank Ocean and Migos on Slide, Kehlani and Lil Yachty on Faking It). And despite the varied cast, it maintains a consistent sound throughout -much moreso than its chief rival and closest contemporary in the summer collaboration album field this year, DJ Khaled’s wildly inconsistent and gloriously self-indulgent Grateful. FWB sounds exactly like its title - a collection of tropical jams sure to keep any backyard BBQ bumpin’.

Highlights: Slide (ft. Frank Ocean and Migos), Rollin (ft. Future and Khalid), Prayers Up (ft. Travis Scott and A-Trak), Faking It (ft. Kehlani and Lil Yachty)

8) Dirty Projectors - Dirty Projectors

2017′s self-titled Dirty Projectors release could not be more different from 2012′s Swing Lo Magellan. Most notable, of course, is the absence of Amber Coffman. Not just for her vocals, but for the fact that Dave Longstreth seemingly crafted the entire album around her breakup with him and the band (although he swears it isn’t as autobiographical as it sounds). There’s almost a chutzpah to Longstreth titling the Coffman-less album “Dirty Projectors” as if to put his own stamp on the meaning of the band (as he quotes KISS’ Gene Simmons: “a band is a brand”). Listening to the album, you can hear Longstreth working through the emotions of the breakup in real time, from bitterness, to regret, to resignedness and ultimately, resolution. Longstreth seems to have evolved the Projectors’ sound in his years since Swing Lo, having spent time collaborating with more mainstream pop and hip-hop artists. Dirty Projectors the album sheds the acoustic jam band aesthetic for tightly produced, electronic beats and vocal distortions. The result is a complex and eminently enjoyable album that delivers surprises on every track.

Highlights: Keep Your Name, Up In Hudson, Little Bubble, Cool Your Heart (ft. Dawn Richard)

7) Melodrama - Lorde

It’s amazing to think Ella Yelich-O’Connor is only 21 years old. Whereas Pure Heroine, released when she was 16, was a quintessential teen pop record, Melodrama, her second album, is a testament to newfound maturity. The New Zealander has done some growing up since she sang about “getting on [her] first plane” on Heroine, and it shows through the lyrical and musical diversity of this album. Melodrama ranges from anthems (Supercut, Green Light), to bangers (the Tove Lo co-written Homemade Dynamite) to ballads (Liability) all the while retaining an authenticity and unique weirdness to its songwriting. The lead track, Green Light, stands out as a particularly ambitious piece of songwriting. In less skilled hands, it might collapse under its own weight, but Lorde makes it work. The refrain on Liability of “you’re a little much for me, you’re a liability” and the image of “one girl, swaying alone, stroking her cheek” is just so good. Melodrama is a beautiful, complex pop album that solidifies Lorde’s place well above the majority of mainstream mass produced blandness.

Highlights: Green Light, Homemade Dynamite, Liability, The Louvre

6) Freudian - Daniel Caesar

Toronto’s own Daniel Caesar’s debut album, Freudian, quickly became one of my most played records of 2017. Caesar’s mix of jazz, gospel and R&B is such easy listening I’ve often put it on while working and forgotten to change playlists before the album loops several times over. No one will accuse Freudian of being a high energy party record, but damn is it ever chill. Caesar’s silky smooth vocals, slipping effortlessly in and out of falsetto and floating effortlessly over the instrumental arrangements, are reminiscent of early Frank Ocean with a coolness harkens back to Love Below era Andre 3000. Freudian’s bucking of trap-influenced R&B trend for a more traditional sound comes out sounding modern and innovative. The obvious gospel influences make Caesar sound closer to Chance the Rapper than his fellow 6-natives Drake and the Weeknd. If Freudian is any indication, Daniel Caesar will be helping define Toronto’s sound for a long time to come.

Highlights: Get You (ft. Kali Uchis), Best Part (ft. H.E.R.), We Find Love, Transform (ft. Charlotte Day Wilson)

5) DAMN. - Kendrick Lamar

New Kung Fu Kenny! It’s even a shock to me that there ended up only being one true hip-hop record on this top ten (and we’re not really counting Calvin Harris as a rap album, are we? I didn’t think so.) But if there had to be only one, it had to be Kendrick Lamar. Kendrick is in rarefied, Kanye West type company in being able to say both that DAMN. might be his worst album, but still a bona fide classic. DAMN. embraces more of a mainstream hip-hop sound (complete with the faux mixtape DJ ad libs) than either of his last two offerings, To Pimp a Butterfly and untitled, unmastered. And while it fails to match the thematic unity of Good Kid, m.A.A.d. City, it still bangs. My first impression of DAMN. was that it sounded like if Kendrick made a Drake album (and made it look sexy)... and that ain’t a bad thing. Under the more commercially tuned exterior is the same incendiary social commentary we’ve come to expect from Kendrick. Turning his sights on Fox News critics, flexing about his friendship with Obama, and somehow making U2 seem cool in 2017 are all things that Kendrick does on DAMN. Another entry in K-dot’s epic canon.

Highlights: DNA., LOYALTY. (ft. Rihanna), HUMBLE., GOD.

4) Colter Wall - Colter Wall

My favourite country record of 2017. Speedy Creek’s own Colter Wall (the son of soon-to-be former Saskatchewan Premier Brad Wall) is only 22, but you wouldn’t know it listening to this album. Wall’s deep, gravelly voice, layered over a stripped-down accompaniment feels as classic country as it gets. The starkness of the songs creates a barroom feel and leaves you to focus on the storytelling in his lyrics. Thirteen Silver Dollars tells the tale of an unfortunate drunken encounter with an RCMP officer. Kate McCannon is a classic western murder/love ballad. You Look To Yours rattles off a series of rejections by women in bars (and warns the listener “don’t trust no politicians”, showing that Colter Wall isn’t just a chip off the old block). Nashville producer Dave Cobb, who also worked on recent albums from the likes of Sturgill Simpson, Jason Isbell and Chris Stapleton - all leading disciples of the neo-traditionalist movement in alt-country - lends his talents to Wall’s debut release. The increasingly unlistenable quality of mainstream radio country may make one want to pour out a bottle of Thunderbird on music row, but Colter Wall shows us that the saving grace may come in the form of a prairie kid from up north.

Highlights: Thirteen Silver Dollars, Motorcycle, Kate McCannon, You Look To Yours

3) Turn Out The Lights - Julien Baker

The sophomore record from Tennessee singer-songwriter Julien Baker is not exactly a “feel good” album. At times, it feels downright depressing. The visceral quality and the rawness of the emotion in these songs just kept me coming back to this album. There is a realness and an intimacy that runs deep through the album. Turn Out The Lights deals with weighty stuff - addiction, mental health, loneliness, self-doubt - but with an undeniable beauty to the way Baker’s voice and lyrics layers over the piano and guitar. Woodwinds and violin accompaniments add to the richness on a few tracks but for the most part, the sparse palette of Baker’s voice, guitar and piano is enough to get the devastating point across. Baker’s voice, especially, has a haunting and beautiful quality that helps convey the gut wrenching emotion in her lyrics. There’s a hope, too, shining out behind the darkness. On Hurt Less, Baker moves from not wearing seatbelts because “I didn’t see the point in trying to save myself” to finding a reason in someone else to start buckling up. On another standout song, Appointments, Baker closes on a refrain of “Maybe it's all gonna turn out all right / Oh, I know that it's not, but I have to believe that it is.” Moments like that show that Turn Out The Lights isn’t the collection of sad songs it seems at first blush, but a celebration of the little moments of hope that help us get through the darkness.

Highlights: Appointments, Turn Out The Lights, Televangelist, Hurt Less

2) A Deeper Understanding - The War On Drugs

One word to describe this album: Big. I first listened to A Deeper Understanding on a float plane ride crossing the Georgia Strait from Vancouver island to the mainland on a sunny day. I can’t think of a better soundtrack for that than this. A Deeper Understanding is all soaring guitar, wailing synths and beating drums, perfect for tearing down a highway on a summer day, windows open to the wind. The War On Drugs’ Adam Granduciel has perfected his 80′s rock sound from 2014′s epic Lost In The Dream, tuning it perfectly to his Dire Straits-meets-Springsteen vocals. Every part of A Deeper Understanding feels finely tuned and crafted - you can feel the obsessiveness of Granduciel’s arrangements as the songs unfold. The songs themselves, mostly dwelling on loss and longing but against an undeniably upbeat musical background, are a strange contradiction that somehow never sounds wrong. It’s impossible to get through the guitar or organ riff sections on Nothing To Find without nodding a head or tapping a foot. The sonic grandeur, the “bigness”, of A Deeper Understanding is ultimately its greatest strength. Granduciel is painting landscapes here, not portraits. The influences are clear: Springsteen, Petty, Knopfler. If you think rock and roll is dead, you’re not listening to The War on Drugs.

Highlights: Up All Night, Holding On, Nothing To Find, Clean Living

1) American Dream - LCD Soundsystem

I never understood the backlash that LCD Soundsystem faced for coming out of retirement. Sometimes, an honest intention to hang up your skates is what it takes to bring out your best work (see, for example, Jay-Z’s The Black Album). American Dream, my favourite album of 2017, should solidify LCD’s comeback as a “good thing” once and for all. It would be one thing if a band kept churning out new, increasingly mediocre material (like later seasons of The Simpsons), but with American Dream, James Murphy and co. have done something truly great. American Dream is a brilliant, electric, synth-pop odyssey from start to finish. Recurring LCD themes like commentary on the state of popular music (lamenting on tonite that ‘everybody’s singing the same songs’) are prominent, but Murphy ruminates on personal topics like his divorce, missed opportunities (Black Screen lingers on Murphy’s failed chance to work more closely with David Bowie on his final album) and friendships lost. The most stunning track on the album, how do you sleep, is a pulsating, 9 minute take down of Murphy’s former collaborator Tim Goldsworthy - essentially a diss track - and it’s savage. The ‘drop’ at around the 3:30 mark is right about where I realized this album was something special. What finally sold me on American Dream as my album of the year was seeing it played live. LCD are probably one of, if not the, best live acts we have and this album truly bangs in person. At the centre of it all is Murphy, the unlikeliest front man, unshaven and drinking expensive wine in a grubby t-shirt. A rockstar with a dad bod. A bizarro light-side-of-the-force version of Steve Bannon. The American Dream incarnate if there ever was one. James Murphy is all of us, and none of us at the same time. Normal, but exceptional at the same time. This album is all exceptional. It’s the best of 2017.

Highlights: oh baby, how do you sleep, tonite, call the police

SPECIAL RETROSPECTIVE

Now that I’ve been doing this a few years, I wanted to look back at my top albums of the decade so far...

2010: The Suburbs - Arcade Fire

2011: Take Care - Drake

2012: Channel Orange - Frank Ocean

2013: Yeezus - Kanye West

2014: Our Love - Caribou

2015: Art Angels - Grimes

2016: Coloring Book - Chance The Rapper

2017: American Dream - LCD Soundsystem

All in all a very solid and defensible selection of albums. I don’t want to second guess myself too much, and I would still ride or die for any of these choices, but if I’d change one or two, it might be to flip Yeezus for Modern Vampires in the City in 2013, or swap the Caribou for RTJ2 in 2014... which are just albums that have stuck with me more over time.

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deadcactuswalking · 7 years ago

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HIDE IT IN MY SOCK -- THE TOP 10 BEST HIT SONGS OF 2017

Well then, 2017 was fantastic! Well, I mean, for popular music; in terms of anything else, 2017 was pretty horrible, but that’s not what we’re here to discuss. We’re here to discuss...

THE TOP TEN BEST HIT SONGS OF 2017

Yeah, it’s finally here – I wanted to really finalise my list before it was released so I kind of missed List Season entirely, but hopefully those extra weeks of working on these lists will be for the best. Now, throughout the last year, I’ve been more fascinated by and involved in the world of hip hop and rap music, including listening to artists such as Tyler, the Creator, BROCKHAMPTON and Anderson .Paak much more than I used to simply because the genre overall is much more easily enjoyable and accessible, even the more underground and alternative stuff. The reason for that is probably the dominance of urban music on the charts in 2017, with hip hop and R&B overthrowing rock as the most popular genre as of right now. This was expected for a while now, but it’s crazy how much hip hop and rap is more easily available now and especially insane how much hip hop and rap is on the charts now. I’m not really complaining for most of it – you’ll be seeing quite a lot of hip hop on this list – but the oversaturation of trap music, a brand of Southern hip hop, has really gotten on my nerves and honestly I’m starting to get sick of how anyone with ‘Lil’ in their name and lean in their cup can get a Top 40 hit nowadays, but that’s enough rambling and complaining! This is the best list, so let’s start things off positively and reveal the honourable mentions, because there’s a hell of a lot of them.

Honourable Mentions

These are ranked from how far they are from the list proper, furthest to closest. Let’s go!

XXXTENTACION – “Look at Me!”

I was tempted to put this on the list for the meme, but, nah, this sucks.

The Chainsmokers and Coldplay – “Something Just Like This” / Migos – “Bad and Boujee” featuring Lil Uzi Vert / French Montana – “Unforgettable” featuring Swae Lee / Cardi B – “Bodak Yellow” / The Chainsmokers – “Paris” / Justin Timberlake – “Can’t Stop the Feeling!”

I can’t decide if these songs are terrific or terrible. Other than that, I have nothing really to say about these other than I’m excited for Swaecation.

Adele – “Water under the Bridge”

I want to like this song.

DJ Khaled – “Wild Thoughts” featuring Rihanna and Bryson Tyler

I don’t want to like this song, but that groove is tight enough for me to forgive Bryson Tiller comparing sex to a cremation.

twenty one pilots – “Heathens”

I’ve yet to come to terms with the fact that I kinda like these guys.

Miley Cyrus – “Malibu”

This is the sweetest song of the year. Ew.

Zedd and Alessia Cara – “Stay”

This was on the list at some point. Guess it couldn’t stay.

Also, yes, since I don’t have much to say about these songs, a lot of these reasons will just be puns.

21 Savage – “Bank Account” / Post Malone – “Rockstar” featuring 21 Savage

21 Savage has never bored me like he bores other people.

Sweeter than a Pop-Tart

The only reason “Rockstar” isn’t on this list is because of the Pop-Tart diss. How dare you!

Travis Scott – “Goosebumps” featuring Kendrick Lamar

God, Kendrick is terrible on this.

Demi Lovato – “Sorry Not Sorry”

I ain’t got no problem, got no problem with this.

Niall Horan – “Slow Hands”

Why does everyone hate this again? This is too cute for me to dislike, even if it does compare sex to laundry.

Shawn Mendes – “There’s Nothing Holdin’ Me Back”

Yeah, that guitar melody holds this back.

Rae Sremmurd – “Black Beatles” featuring Gucci Mane / Migos – “I Get the Bag” featuring Gucci Mane

Happy belated birthday, Gucci Mane.

Luis Fonsi featuring Daddy Yankee and Justin Bieber – “Despacito” (remix)

This is a really fun song, but it kind of bores me towards the end.

Big Sean – “Bounce Back”

Tragic irony.

The Weeknd – “I Feel it Coming”

This is one of the few times that a song is too repetitive for my taste.

Rihanna – “Love on the Brain”

Doo-wop-wop, shooby-doo-wop.

Charlie Puth – “Attention”

The ultimate battle between good and evil: bassline vs. falsetto.

Bruno Mars – “24K Magic” / Bruno Mars – “That’s What I Like”

Sorry, Bruno, you’re not #blessed enough.

Got to blame it on Jesus

Kendrick Lamar – “HUMBLE.”

I’m just not very good at talking about Kendrick, probably because if you hear his songs you’ll immediately know why I like them.

A Boogie wit da Hoodie – “Drowning” featuring Kodak Black

This nearly topped my list until I got sick of Kodak Black’s verse.

KYLE – “iSpy” featuring Lil Yachty / D.R.A.M. - “Broccoli” featuring Lil Yachty

These are fun but Lil Yachty exists, so they’re not on the list.

Touch my gang, we gon’ turn this s**t to Columbine

I hope KYLE and D.R.A.M. won’t end up as one-hit wonders, though they probably will be.

Ed Sheeran – “Castle on the Hill”

This is the only time you will see me endorsing Ed Sheeran because this song rocks. Too bad the rest of his output is cringeworthy or boring.

Harry Styles – “Sign of the Times”

We’re at the point where the only reason these songs didn’t make the list is because there were a few songs that were better. Exhibit A.

Playboi Carti – “Magnolia”

Consider this my honorary #11.

Charlie Puth – “How Long”

If this made the year-end, it would have been on the list.

Jason Derulo – “Tip Toe” featuring French Montana / CamelPhat and Elderbrook – “Cola”

These songs didn’t cross over to the US in time to be a hit, and that upsets me because these probably would have made the top five. Hell, I’m listening to “Cola” as I’m typing this.

N.E.R.D. – “Don’t Don’t Do It!” featuring Kendrick Lamar

This is my favourite single released this year overall. Tied with...

Tyler, the Creator - “Boredom” featuring Rex Orange County and Anna of the North

Lil Uzi Vert - “The Way Life Goes” featuring Oh Wonder and Nicki Minaj

Lorde - “Perfect Places”

Now to get to the actual list of ten—well, twelve—songs that I consider to be the best that American popular music had to offer throughout the year. Let’s start with #10.

#10

I have never heard a good Fifth Harmony song in my life, mostly because of how unappealing Camila was as a singer. I personally found her voice very squeaky and at times aggravating. Sure, artists improve over time, but when she went solo, I did not expect this big of an improvement.

#10 – Camila Cabello – “Havana” featuring Young Thug

This took me by surprise when I first heard it because it is so smooth despite its blending of many popular genres, including jazz-influenced piano and Latin percussion that despite classic influences, still feels incredibly fresh, especially in today’s pop climate. What I love most about the song apart from the obvious which I’ll talk about later is actually the lyrics and the performers, especially Young Thug. Camila is the main star, obviously, with her almost sassy performance, but the lyrics she’s singing contrast that swagger completely, and are about a boy who seemingly doesn’t care about her when they initially meet, with a careless stride into the club Camila’s in and a chessy pick-up line along the way which, of course, he says to all the other girls. A Joey Tribbiani reference starts Camila’s verse, and if you mention Friends, I’m pretty sure you get on this list automatically.

I’m doin’ forever in a minute (that Summer night in June) / And poppa says he got malo in him

Camila uses the Spanish word “malo”, meaning “bad”, describing Young Thug as a typical bad boy. That pre-chorus is also one of the catchiest moments in the top ten right now.

And he got me feeling like (ooh)

Camila’s great but Young Thug, however, is a genius. You know how guest rap verses usually talk about something completely unrelated, usually just bragging about all the typical rap subjects? Well, somehow Young Thug both does exactly that and subverts it at the same time. For the first part of his verse, he gives us more detail about who this bad boy is and reveals his name, Jeffery – Young Thug’s real name. Talking from the perspective of Jeffery (or himself), he details how he just graduated from college, where he was “fresh on campus”, to brag to Camila about his perceived “coolness”, for lack of a better word. He continues to brag and talk about how he’s a bad boy, paying prostitutes like Uncle Sam – yes, that is the similie he uses – until he starts to talk about the sex that Jeffrey and Camila supposedly had, describing it with several food metaphors, even proclaiming that it’s “history in the making”, shredding his bad boy persona and revealing glimpses of hope to raise a child and settle down. He then hilariously retracts his statement, going back to Jeffery bragging, showing how Jeffery’s fear of getting too close has really left Camila’s heart in Havana.

This is history in the makin’ on me / Point blank, close range, that be / If it cost a million, that’s me

He ends his verse by begging Camila and trying to reason with her, but his persona has clouded his mind.

I was gettin’ mula, baby!

What makes this even better is that this verse both fits into the story and is a throwaway rap verse about himself. Young Thug is a genius.

Also, it has a saxophone solo, which obviously makes it God-tier in my books. Fantastic song.#

Havana, ooh, na-na

Let me make this clear: not every section will be as long as #10, but I had a lot of lyrical stuff I wanted to talk about for that song, so I did my best to keep it kind of concise while I explained why I love it. Most of these songs, however, I enjoy purely based on a musical standpoint and what better way to demonstrate this other than a song about what I assume is hipster nonsense.

#9 – Portugal. The Man – “Feel it Still”

This year was full of two things: stilted trap rap and funky-as-hell grooves. This is probably the funkiest and grooviest song out of the bunch, but it’s also psychedelic and eerie, creating a beautiful contrast between the percussion that sounds fitting in a disco or energetic soul track and the creeping bass and the jumpscare-worthy horns, as well as the fantastically creepy falsetto vocals performed by this indie rock band’s frontman, John Gourley, as well as the deep and reverb-effected vocals from the other members of the band, specifically the repetition of “is it coming?” just to lead to a non-climax; the feeling is still. The dial-up phone sounds during the first verse are also pretty clever and work with the “is it coming?” theme excellently as well. It feels like it’s right behind you and you’re constantly afraid of it, but it never comes. For a song that’s actually about wanting life to be peaceful like it supposedly was in the 1960s and 1980s again, it musically represents paranoia brilliantly. This psychedelic pop tune will be in my rotation for years to come.

Yeah, I don’t have much to talk about for this one so I suppose we’ll just jump right into it.

#8 – Khalid – “Young, Dumb & Broke”

Khalid as a vocalist is one of the best newcomers to the pop world, and for someone with such a mature smooth soulful vocal, you wouldn’t expect him to have had his 20th birthday just a few days ago. Despite that, his first big single “Location” didn’t work for me, I suppose it just felt too minimalistic and slightly drab, somewhat dull in fact. His follow-up, however, is an R&B jam about reminiscing on when he was a young, dumb and broke high-school kid that just clicks with me. Maybe it’s the chill trap-hinting production, maybe it’s the catchy vocalisation in the post-chorus, maybe it’s Khalid himself, but I’m not entirely sure. This just really clicks with me on a level I didn’t really think it could, and I don’t have much reason for it either, but for an incredibly basic song like this I don’t think it’s necessary. It’s just a solid jam you should definitely check out.

Who can relate? Whoo!

#7 – Post Malone – “Congratulations” featuring Quavo

That meme of a quote from Logic pretty much sums up why I like this song. It’s relatable to a degree where everyone can relate to it (whoo), because it’s just about having a small achievement in your life, and being happy that you accomplished it. It’s an anthem for people overcoming milestones in their life that mean more to them than it does to anyone else. Post mentions being on TV, which gets you some level of fame overall and gives you recognition, but the only people that truly notice and take it to heart are you and your closest friends and family.

My mama called, “seen you on TV, son” / Said, “s**t done changed ever since I was young”

Nothing has really changed at all, but to Postman Malone and his family, it means the world. It’s also an anthem for dismissing your haters – the main obstacle for anyone to get ahead – but maybe they’re not typical or conventional “haters”.

I dreamed it all ever since I was young / They said I wouldn’t be nothing, now they always say, “Congratulations!” (yeah)

He says “they” but he doesn’t specify, leading me to believe he’s talking about the voices in his head and his self-esteem pushing him down. What leads me to this theory, though? Huncho Houdini himself, Quavo. Do you notice that in the verse and the chorus, both Post Malone and Quavo have faint repetitions of “yeah”? Those are the voices that Post is being kept down by. In Post’s verse he even mentions what the voices have to say.

I know I sound dramatic, yeah

But he’s still determined.

But I knew I had to have it, yeah

Quavo, in his verse, portrays Post’s mindset and how all over the place is thoughts are: reminiscing on graduation...

Young n***a, young n***a, graduation

Attempting to find some energy and buzz to do something...

I pick up the rock and I ball, baby

...but he can’t. He tries to get help from out of this rut but he just can’t pick up the phone.

I’m looking for someone to call, baby / But right now, I got a situation

He later drops this beautiful line, wrapping everything up in one sentence.

My life is like a ball game

But in the end, despite everything all collapsing, Post gets through the struggle and reigns on top.

If you f**k with winnin’, put your lighters to the sky

Come on, who doesn’t f**k with winning?

#6 / #5

Hey, look, two consecutive Maroon 5 songs! God, there goes my dignity.

#6 – Maroon 5 – “Cold” featuring Future

#5 – Maroon 5 – “What Lovers Do” featuring SZA

I know everyone hates these songs but too bad, they’re awesome and also polar opposites.

“Cold” is a loose, dark tropical house track where Adam’s screeching vocals stand out as not a negative but a positive, being the only possible release of his anger and confusion against the muted bass in the verse, before the explosion of the chorus, where Adam outright asks his girlfriend, “why have you been so cold?” He shouts desperately, not worried but distressed and confused, in a state of isolation almost, until he finds a friend who can relate (whoo) in the form of Future. The whole song is a spill of Adam and Future’s emotions towards this woman, and it works beautifully in the tropical instrumentation. My favourite line is from Future:

So cold; this colder

The girl’s so cold that Future is cracking up a cold one with... himself.

“What Lovers Do”, however, is a tight funky synthpop track that focuses on Adam and SZA trying to do what lovers do, trying to be close but can’t. It’s not one-sided anymore, hence the instrumentation is much less natural and more stiff, because it’s not one man screaming at a wall, it’s a couple screaming at each other. Sonically, both of these songs are very fun, free songs with “What Lovers Do” having a tight groove and “Cold” feeling sparsely empty in its instrumentation but has a driving kick to it that shows Adam’s uncertainty. If you slander these songs, you can shut right up. Maroon 5 has never failed to delight.

I don’t wanna know, know, know, know

Oh, hey, ha, hey. I’ll be seeing you on my worst list.

No more, please stop

There’s three very predictable choices for the near-top of this list, and here’s probably the most predictable one.

#4 – Childish Gambino – “Redbone”

Have you ever just loved a song so much because everything works? Everything is so beautifully meshed together that it’s almost too perfect.

Well, that is not what happened here at all because I shouldn’t like this as much as I do, and nothing works about it. The bass is too overwhelming, especially in the pre-chorus, sounding very sludgy for that whole passage, also, Childish Gambino’s falsetto is grating to the point it makes me want to eat some Red Leicester, but you can never deny that melody that started the meme that created – or at least developed - the surge of popularity for this excellently-composed track. I think its imperfections are why I love it, it sounds clunky and at times drags on too much but it fits in perfect with Gambino, who is vocally all over the wall, with a weak murmur in the verse, and a powerful screech in the final chorus. Despite being out for more than a year now, this hasn’t grown on me, this has just become more and more interesting and mind-boggling that it became a hit. It’s strange but so is 2017, which leads me to the reason I have this song so high. It represents 2017 extremely well – everything is strange, new and worrying, especially with Trump in office and the current political climate.

What? You think he wasn’t gonna be on the list at all?

#3 – Kendrick Lamar – “DNA.”

Kendrick talks about racial, social and political issues a lot, and honestly, I couldn’t care less about what he brings up because his flow, punchlines, bars and especially production are all killer. This applies to this song more than any other Kendrick song I’ve heard. The stuttering trap production from Mike WiLL Made It brings more power to Kendrick’s first verse where he raps repetitively about what he has in his DNA or in his blood, stuff he’s dealt with so much it’s just natural for him. It is a hyped banger for its first minute and a half or so, before it switches to Geraldo Riviera being sampled stating that he believes hip hop music has damaged African-American youth culture, until Kendrick absolutely rips him apart in the second verse as the beat switches to a more gloomy and complex beat.

My DNA not for imitation / Your DNA an abomination

In this fantastic verse, he talks about the typical lyrical subjects Geraldo Riviera thinks hip hop is only about, and sarcastically glamorises them, saying sex, money and murder are what Riviera thinks are in his DNA. These verses from different perspectives make up and incredibly pumped-up track that is just excellent in every which way. Love it.

And now for our only tie, both songs by two artists who have a hit-and-miss track record and one artist I absolutely love. Drank.

#2 – Jason Derulo – “Swalla” featuring Ty Dolla $ign and Nicki Minaj / Calvin Harris – “Slide” featuring Frank Ocean and Migos (Offset and Quavo)

Both of these songs are here not because of any deep lyrical meaning or any beautiful mesh of instrumentation or its elements, they’re here because of peer enjoyment. They also both have some of my personal favourite elements of music overall, just stuff that tickles my fancy more than anything objectively great. The simple melody of the synth in “Slide”, as well as the brilliant synth-solo in “Swalla” in the post-chorus, which I have grown to absolutely love and herald as the best moment in pop music this year, maybe tied with the start of Offset’s verse in “Slide”.

(Offset!) Good gracious! / Staring at my diamonds while I’m hopping out the spaceship

Everyone’s favourite homophobic hip hop duo, Offset and Quavo, provide verses on “Slide”, with Quavo’s being more of a transition and bridge from the moody slow drone of Frank Ocean’s lead vocal to Offset’s energetic verse, which proves him as more than a trap rapper, who can star on a disco song and steal the limelight from one of the best R&B singers of the past few years. They also provide great quotables.

Mama too hot like a (like a what?) / Mama too hot like a furnace (furnace)

B****es be dippin’, dancin’ with n***as like a nacho

Like a nacho? Huh?

The song itself is about someone who just wants to enter a richer man’s life, but also about a Picasso painting.

I might empty my bank account / And buy that boy with a pipe

I don’t know, and I don’t care because this song rules, as does “Swalla”, with Jason’s vocals fleeting over the upbeat instrumental, right before the excellent drum fill, which is more of a breakdown than anything, but not just a drum breakdown – a breakdown in sanity and a crazy moment in this party that doesn’t feel full until this insane drum fill, which fits perfectly with Ty Dolla $ign’s verse, but the true star here is Nicki.

Bad girl, no swalla nuttin’, word to young Dalai Lama

Her verse is fire, nothing else to say, truly one of the best verses she’s ever written.

Bless her heart, she throwing shots, but every line sucks

Let’s be fair, Remy Ma, you got bodied on not one but two hit singles. You’ve lost. Overall, two flabbergastingly great tracks.

But they’re still not the best hit songs of 2017.

I may be breaking rules here but nonetheless, I believe this was the best hit song of 2017.

#1 – Lorde – “Green Light”

Nah, just kidding, it’s the joke song about the girl with the thicc booty.

#1 – Aminé –“Caroline”

The reason I do Reviewing the Charts and the reason I’m making this list is partially to analyse, review, talk about and share my opinion on pop music and culture, but what I really attempt to do is make you laugh, make you entertained, because that’s what we all want, right? At our very core, we want entertainment, and I don’t think any song this year is more entertaining than this.

Bad thing (s**t), fine as hell (whoa), thick as f**k

Over the beat that blends trap and old-school hip-hop synths pretty greatly, Aminé throws some lighthearted shade as he comically condemns one of rap’s longest-surviving lyrical mainstay, loving a woman only for her appearance, as he over exaggerates how careless he is for this woman to hilarious proportions.

Caroline, listen up / Don’t wanna hear about your horoscope / Or what the future holds / Just shut up and shut up and let’s get gory

There are some incredible quotables here as well, like this...

Holy s**t, I’m really lit

...and my personal favourite lyric of the year.

You say I’m a tall thug, guess I’m a G-raffe

That is the corniest yet also most outstanding pun I’ve ever heard a rapper spit.

If you want safe sex, baby, use the knee pads

Aminé manipulates his voice in some of the most interesting ways a pop-rapper has, and sounds great, especially when he’s singing on the chorus and then immediately goes to rapping about the girl again, like going from Ray Charles to Ying Yang Twins, or Ne-Yo to Ray William Johnson.

The reason this is on the list isn’t just because it’s funny, no, it’s because of his performance on the Tonight Show.

9/11, a day that we’re never forgetting / 11/9, a day that we’re never regretting / If my president is Trump, then it’s relevant enough / To talk ‘bout it on TV and not give a (f**k) / I’m black, and I’m proud / My skin is brown, and I’m loud

The outro of his performance is one of the best uses of someone’s platform to speak out against Trump I’ve ever seen. Nobody expects the one-hit wonder who eats a bunch of bananas in his music video to be talking about this, and to use his fifteen minutes to spread the word to millions of people on The Tonight Show is a very smart decision to use your fame. Make a difference before you fizzle out, or you’ll burn away without changing anyone’s life, without affecting anyone, which is the whole point of entertainment and art, to make a change in someone’s life who enjoys the music, or the films, or the art. It’s better that Aminé leaves his career as a one-hit wonder because I cannot imagine any better way to leave than this. Aminé, you’re divine, and your song is mighty fine. I’m out!

You can never make America great again / All you ever did was make this country hate again.

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